Hot in Cleveland - Season 1 Edit

A biscuit for his guide dog?

A blue shirt and khakis headed your way,

A diaper.

A great deal of money and attention.

A Japanese company wants me to do a commercial.

A little something extra.

A little surprised by all the Justin Bieber

A pad or...

A polka!

A sign that Anders is the devil and should burn in hell.

A truly spectacular set of knockers.

A wise man once said, "there are no accidents".

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah! Aah!

About beneficial dryness force products

Accepting for her tonight, Ms. Susan Lucci.

Accidents happen.

Act natural.

Actually what I could use is some advice.

Actually, coach, I know a couple of acting exercises

Actually, I go more by how many karats

Actually, ms. Chase,

After all, you're our designated driver.

After being overlooked for such a long time...

Ah, it was wonderful.

Ah, luckily, this disease hasn't affected my wit.

Ah, this is Elka Ostrovsky.

Ah, weather be damned.

Ah, yes, theresa.

Ah, you shouldn't have spelled everything correctly.

Ah!

Ah! Perfect timing.

Ah! The best six months of my life.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah. Likewise.

Ah. Yes.

Ahem.

Aka award magnet.

Albeit taller and with better skin.

All acting is an art,

All of them mine.

All right, guys, pick up the pace.

All right, now...

All right, there was one more.

All right, uh.

All right, who cares, who cares, ah.

All right, you win. I'm gonna go.

All right.

All that running... they're just stupid, okay?

All the cool seniors stay home anyway.

All the women in my family

All you said to me is, "I'll miss you."

All: Shakespeare!

Almost had to use a local anesthetic, but she'll make it.

Although I've never won this thing.

Although it wasn't on television for 27 years.

Although she cannot be here with us today,

Although, in the last week,

Am I getting a little insight

And a columnist. I don't want him not to like me.

And a famous actress. Crazy, huh?

And a liar.

And again, I'm so sorry about last night.

And all of us dying and all!

And all those people staring at you?

And an endless array of bad boyfriends.

And are you an actor also?

And as our electronic gates were opening,

And before knew it all these little, old feelings

And besides, it's my wig anyway.

And cannot get to the daytime Emmy awards

And Crystal McAllister

And did I mention that the grandfather

And don't leave any smudges.

And don't you just love how everyone seems to have worn

And exhale.

And frankly, I'm glad.

And he ends up breaking her heart again,

And he was looking for you too?

And he'll see that I'm a nice person, because he's a nice person, right?

And he's overplaying like crazy.

And he's someplace thinking I don't care.

And help you pretend to be your son,

And how does that make you feel, Melanie?

And how does that make you feel?

And how does that make you feel?

And I begged him to stop here on the way.

And I catch him at the very last minute.

And I desperately need you to help us not make it suck.

And I don't know how to tell Melanie.

And I had a couple of good bozo jokes at the ready too.

And I have drew curry

And I hope this cures you of your belief

And I just want to shout it out loud!

And I know a thing or two about directing.

And I love that.

And I met with a couple of potential therapists.

And I need you to be my bear carcass.

And I need you to either talk me into it or out of it.

And I really wanna reconnect with him.

And I should know. I'm the one who "corrected" it.

And I shouldn't have. So now I just have to make it right

And I think he smokes weed.

And I told him I loved him.

And I want them to think I'm pretty.

And I went crazy so I texted back.

And I'll never know if I won that Emmy.

And I'll never know if Pete was gonna say "I love you" back.

And I'm flying back to L.A. Today,

And I'm out there...

And I'm pretty sure she's feeling it too?

And I'm sorry I took off part of yours.

And if it doesn't work, we can park you at the end of a runway.

And in my one of a kind dress.

And it feels right you know?

And it really messed with my head and my trust.

And it still hasn't arrived.

And it's almost as if the hand of god was at work,

And it's not healthy to hold on to it...

And it's not who think.

And meet the other after for a nightcap.

And my clothing iron runs on batteries.

And new Melanie just made a big mistake.

And no matter how many infractions against the law

And none of this was turning you on?

And not even know it.

And now he's cheating on Kim with you.

And now I'm going to have to kill you!

And now it's here. Here.

And now she thinks that you love her more than ever.

And one thing led to another.

And our production is doomed

And Pete's out there.

And put one of those frowny faces with the angry eyes.

And recovering from some disfiguring disease.

And ruin my husband's good name?

And saying I need to come in four times a week.

And she's a paralegal.

And shoot the breeze.

And still regrets it."

And suddenly you become oblivious to everyone else?

And talk to him.

And tell her it's the best sex you ever had.

And that's how I found out you were engaged.

And that's way, way, way at the end of the thing.

And the Emmy for outstanding actress

And the guy I thought was a murderer.

And the other one hooks up with the handsome cater waiter.

And the reason I don't have a goiter...

And the world was good.

And then Anders and I took Jenna out to dinner,

And then at age 12, I decided becoming an actress...

And then he pretended to read me my miranda rights,

And then he said, "you have the right to remain adorable".

And then I got all flustered, and I made it worse.

And then the art of loving."

And then they blackmail you with threats...

And then we broke up,

And then we met up for drinks afterwards,

And then you used me to cheat on your fiance

And they are paying me a ton of money to...

And they end up getting remarried,

And they made a beautiful connection

And they're comfortable and perfectly stylish, and I love them.

And they've been trying to get me to talk.

And this is the first time I've heard from him, ever.

And this would be the scene

And this year, I definitely don't have a chance.

And throw it away.

And throwing "I love you"s around.

And to wash it all down,

And visualize it.

And we can do that, if you'd like.

And we're going out to dinner after.

And well, game over.

And when I was in my 20s,

And you better act sad.

And you explain it to me?

And you had better be ready because they are awesome.

And you know how important friends are.

And you raised a son with enough character...

And you're welcome.

And your parents aren't paying

And, of course, announce my miraculous recovery.

And, time permitting, do it again.

And, uh...

And, yes, I do smell of fish.

Anders and Kim got back together.

Anders was there?

Anders, Anders!

Anders, Joy and Victoria told me everything.

Anders, this is crazy.

Apparently.

Are bouncing light back into my eyes.

Are perfect and thin,

Are we breaking into or what?

Are you kidding me?

Are you sure you're not high in the middle?

Are you wearing your diaper pants?

Aren't we past the days when a guy comes into your life

As am I.

As pants do.

As soon as I fix this.

As the drama advisor, and I said yes.

As the kind of guy you would go out with.

As you should.

Asking me questions about...

At her own game.

At that luau tonight.

At the dance, princess.

At the last minute, the twins dropped out, so.

Attention, all personnel report immediately

Aw.

Awesome.

Barker, you're out of position again.

Be standing here before you on this humble stage?

Be truthful. How bad is it out there?

Because I'm meeting pete's friends

Because I'm not quite prepared

Because if this tornado gets any worse,

Because in that dream is the truth about yourself.

Because Kim had a yoga emergency.

Because nothing in life is as important as friendship.

Because of that owl that keeps me up at night.

Because she's been so lifeless all along.

Because that is when the awards come a'calling.

Because the soccer coach is now doubling as the drama teacher

Because this time you're gonna let her break up with you.

Because you don't know what the you want?

Because you must have been so hot back then.

Because your plan has worked so well up to this point.

Because, believe it or not,

Because, unlike Honor St. Raven,

Before he gets on that plane, please.

Before I came here, I thought, Cleveland was one of those places people came from

Beneficial dryness force.

Best actress. Susan Lucci...

Best romeo and juliet I've ever seen.

Between 12:00 and 1:00.

Bloody feelings, spoil everything.

Bloody French.

Bones. I said bones, is what I said.

Booty call.

Both Max and Nick have invited me

Both want me.

Boy push ups.

Boy, I loved every second.

Boy, this thing is awful.

But

But all the therapists ask it.

But as a mother,

But as soon as we hit the sheets,

But before you get on that airplane

But can you guys blame me? You understand, right?

But dad said he couldn't make it

But fertile Myrtle over here

But for whatever reasons, those did not work out.

But he did promise to text me at least once a week.

But he was really sincere this time.

But he's our neighbor.

But here, I feel great.

But I decided to take your suggestion...

But I don't like it.

But I don't want to be you.

But I have to go pretend I'm dying.

But I I don't wanna lose my hair or anything.

But I really need a good rogering.

But I thought maybe we'd go out to lunch first.

But I thought you told us your husband was an accountant?

But I'm gonna need your help.

But I'm just surprised at how well you look.

But I'm not buying it.

But I'm not giving up.

But I'm not really a school play sort of person.

But I'm still kind of on edge.

But I'm sure your way would work too.

But I'm telling him no.

But if we don't say anything

But imagine, just for a second,

But in my defense, the last time I had a boyfriend,

But it did sell like crazy.

But it did sell like crazy.

But it doesn't make you any less angry, does it?

But it wasn't turning me off.

But it'll be worth it just to see the smile on my face...

But Jenna set me up with one of her friend's fathers,

But just promise me you'll go down to the storm cellar,

But just remember, it's only airing in Japan.

But last night, when we were dancing,

But make it in time for everything else

But may we just take a look?

But mostly because I'm afraid if...

But not with this storm

But on the other hand,

But she was just trying to get you to talk.

But that was lifesaving information.

But the new Melanie is fabulous, confident, and independent.

But the new Melanie, she let it fly.

But then Nick asked me to dance,

But then we got back together again,

But they cleaned it all up.

But they never went to.

But we can try.

But we're celebrating, and I would like...

But who can say?

But yes.

But you and I are definitely on for our movie tonight, okay?

But you and I are definitely on for our movie tonight, okay?

But you better be cool!

But you can't just say that I have a disease.

But you guys can go without me.

But you have max.

But you have my word.

But you have to!

But you know those dumb romantic comedies

But you're straddling my gun.

But, truth is...

But...

But...

But... after he died,

By any means possible, right?

By crawling inside a bear carcass.

By doing something completely Shady.

By now, you should be having trouble with...

By people of Asian descent, so...

By the way, what kind of a guy keeps you waiting?

C l e a v e l a n d?

C l e a v e l a n d?

Calling to blow smoke up my... well, you know.

Campbell, I see you smirk like that again,

Can I get a stick of butter, please?

Can you believe it?

Can you give me a little bit of a higher arch this time?

Can you see it, francesca?

Chercher ma robe maintenant, ou des tetes tomberont!

Child collecting money, some tragedy.

Clearly it's hard for you to relate to the untalented,

Cleveland never gets hit by tornadoes.

Cleveland's a rock and roll town. Lots of party end with fire.

Come in.

Come on in

Come on, guys. Mix it up.

Coming soon...

Coming...

Congratulations.

Could stay best friends for 20 years

Could we talk?

Could you just excuse me for just one more second?

Could you send him back please?

Couldn't you have just given him

Crystal McAllister from the strong and the gorgeous...

Crystal McAllister, nobody, nobody, and...

Dating at our age is a very delicate dance.

Dear, sweet, small town Pete.

Desperate much?

Despicable liar.

Did he say it back?

Did I mention the cater waiter's a secret prince?

Did she freak?"...

Did you even know the nooner's name?

Did you finally get that peruvian tapeworm you ordered?

Did you get dressed under overhead lighting again?

Did you get your emergency supplies together,

Did you know Cleveland was originally spelled...

Did you know...

Dinnertime.

Disfiguring?

Do people still say that?

Do the women know he's gay?

Do you guys think Mirabella's

Do you have a pill that can help with this situation?

Do you love him?

Do you think he'll like the wine? Or does it seem pretentious?

Do you understand?

Do you want him to say it back or not?

Do you want me to show you where the room is?

Doesn't arrive within the hour,

Doesn't it?

Doesn't she have an understudy?

Don't forget the red nose and floppy shoes.

Don't get up.

Don't judge.

Don't need to.

Don't start with me.

Don't worry. She's not going anywhere.

Don't you have a house of your own?

Don't you see? If it's not bad,

Done.

Drop and gimme 20.

Dry for my lifetime

Dude.

Due of budget cuts.

Earlier in the day.

Earlier today, I was calling my kids

Elka came up with this Internet rumor...

Elka is not letting us in!

Elka said she looked it up on Wikipedia.

Elka says tornadoes never hit Cleveland.

Elka, celebrities are just like everyone else.

Elka, we don't care about your stash, just let us in!

Elka!

Elka!

Elka.

Elkaa!

Enjoy.

Entertainment weekly and in style magazine...

Erika Kane will be around to entertain you

Especially Agnes Bratford.

Especially someone as sweet as your mum.

Even a word from you

Even how to survive a blizzard

Even if your dress does arrive,

Even though she has...

Every line a triumph, every gesture a revelation.

Everybody all right in here?

Everybody just shut up.

Everybody, know your lines and be awesome.

Everything will probably be fine,

Everything you want to know about will is right in there.

Except during earthquakes.

Except you, zack. You are mercutio.

Except you're not trying to hide how crazy you are.

Excuse me,

Excuse me, is this seat taken?

Excuse me.

Facial drooping, involuntary body spasms,

Fighting isn't gonna help Elka make up her mind.

Finally, it's zack's turn.

Fine, if you think you can do better, go for it.

Fine.

Fine.

First a waltz, and then a polka.

Five kids.

Five of them yours.

Flett Giordano syndrome.

For a special polish polish.

For all my loyal fans!

For best good times, be on dry."

For better and for worse.

For both my kids.

For dinner tomorrow night,

For John Moses Cleaveland.

For many, many years to come.

For relaxing times,

For the grandkids.

For the past 27 years,

For the strong and the gorgeous.

For this season.

For why else would victoria chase

Foreign, but cute.

Frankly, you guys are a little wishy washy on that one.

Freak? About what?

Freshness of crotch."

From "Indonesian beauty auto supply".

From Nick. He's the poet.

Gave him my information.

Geometry's more Victoria's specialty.

Get back here, Raggedy Ann.

Get it? O hi o.

Get pregnant at the drop of a hat.

Get your grubby little doll hands off my award,

Gets pregnant the first time out.

Getting a chance to talk and catch up...

Getting the plans out again for Victoria 2.0.

Give it up.

Go ahead.

God, I can't look. What's it say?

God, I hate jocks.

God, is this from California? Do they make Cleveland wine?

God, what am I gonna do?

God.

Goiter?

Good bye, Anders.

Good lord, she hoots like that?

Good luck faking the goiter.

Good morning!

Good one

Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much

Good, good.

Gosh, where do I start?

Grab some Roman goblets.

Gratitude...

Great morning!

Guys, I know you don't like him,

Ha! Typical.

Hands in, "shakespeare" on three.

Have been tossed around,

He breaks up with his bimbo,

He can find it.

He chose the one with the biggest breasts.

He didn't change his column.

He didn't know how to tell you,

He hasn't changed at all, but I have changed.

He is still cheating, isn't he?

He just lifts me up in his arms.

He sent a text, but I can't read it. My glasses are upstairs.

He wants me to come meet him.

He was crushed.

He was questioning his questioning of his sexuality.

He was.

He'll make me do push ups.

He's a guy.

He's driving back to college from L.A.

He's just so cute!

He's not coming.

He's only 20 years old.

He's probably someplace safe, wondering if you're okay.

He's really thinking about me right now.

Hear that?

Hello,

Hello, Anders.

Hello.

Hello. All.

Hello. I'm Victoria Chase.

Helping Elka get ready for prom.

Her clothes are gonna fly right off!

Here, make mine a double.

Here, we're gonna get to know our neighbors.

Here, you can relax, you know, and let yourself go.

Here's your butter.

Hey, Elka.

Hey, I wasn't even clapping.

Hey, joy. Where you been?

Hey, people eat in here!

Hey, she caught one by accident,

Hey, will. We found your phone.

Hey!

Hi, Elka. Is that your dress?

Hi, Evelyn. Love your shirt.

Hi, honey!

Hi, sweetie.

Hi.

His friends, his music, everything.

Hm, again with the advice.

Hmm, that's very odd.

Honey, that was so great!

Honor st. Raven taught me courage, determination, love...

Hot In Cleveland 1x05 Good Neighbors

Hot In Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience!

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Hot In Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Hot In Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

How about we all have some Cuyahoga River punch?

How about we open that bottle of wine you were gonna give to Rick?

How about you just go and dive in?

How are you feeling, francesca?

How can I put this in a way that won't offend you?

How could I ever trust you again?

How could that be?

How could you guys do this to me?

How cute is he?

How cute is she?

How did this happen and where was Kim?

How did you get this?

How is she?

How much did you pay him?

I I broke them up. He's gonna hate me.

I I don't know. Elka?

I always trip on that gosh darn step.

I always try on the wedding ring he gave me.

I am also a devotee of honor st. Raven,

I am also a devotee of honor st. Raven,

I am done with this.

I am far too recognizable to help you hide a dead body.

I am on the next plane out of here

I am so relieved.

I beg your pardon?

I believe you left this behind

I came to see my girl.

I can help you.

I can honestly say I am.

I can.

I can't believe we just did that. My heart is still pounding.

I can't believe you left without me.

I can't compete with someone who's doping.

I can't help but worry, 'cause if Rick is writing the article

I can't help it. I'm delirious from cosmetics depravation.

I changed my hair.

I could bring you some muskie some time.

I could get used to it.

I could just hear the announcer...

I could not be more proud.

I couldn't resist. I love that show.

I did not mean to imply that everyone here is fat and ugly.

I did too.

I did, right?

I did.

I didn't care about the things I normally would.

I didn't get his name.

I didn't think of it that way.

I discovered he was also a fence for the mob.

I do start to open up and let it out,

I do wanna move forward, not backward.

I don't either anymore.

I don't even know if he heard me.

I don't even know their names, and they don't know mine.

I don't have any others.

I don't know if I would use healthy.

I don't know what to say.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. I guess the only word for it would be primal.

I don't like to dwell on it.

I don't mean to be crude,

I don't need sex with you.

I don't really have a leg to stand on.

I don't think it's gonna be a very nice article after all.

I don't think we want to interrupt that.

I don't want him to know anybody's been here.

I dropped the f bomb, like, 15 times.

I feel as fresh as Mt. Fuji.

I feel guilty enough already.

I feel like I'm in the Goonies.

I fixed up the guest room for you,

I forgot to bring it out with me, and it's got a note on it from me.

I found a picture in a magazine, and I gave it to my hair stylist.

I get the occasional grunt on mother's day.

I got a column to write.

I got a good look at myself in the dress shop.

I got applause!

I got great Lake Latkes.

I gotta get him back.

I gotta tell you,

I guess that trumps award nominated actress.

I had a conversation with a neighbor.

I had fun last night but I'm engaged to Max.

I had just talked to my kids.

I had to buy a box of them

I hate you, douche bag.

I have been acting a little bit like a teenager.

I have my son.

I have never seen him cry before.

I have some potato whisky right here.

I have to break up with.

I have to rush straight to Jenna's play.

I have to rush straight to Jenna's play.

I have to take it up a notch.

I have to wear it at least once before I can legally say,

I have told you before,

I haven't felt this excited about getting away with something

I hear music swelling.

I heard Brad Pitt did a Japanese commercial for baby formula.

I hope it's your daughter...

I hope so.

I hope this marks a turning point...

I I feel terrible.

I just got divorced. I moved to a new city.

I just got swept up.

I just had a glorious morning fishing on Lake Erie.

I just had the scare of my life.

I just hope he's okay

I just I forget about everything else.

I just lost track of time.

I just mean, people in L.A., they're abnormally thin.

I just need one more chance to tell him how I feel.

I just said that I did because I thought...

I just totally violated his privacy.

I just want to do it.

I just want to make a good impression.

I just want you to know that I love you.

I just wanted to see you again.

I keep telling her I should have a beard.

I kinda just wanna crash, if that's cool.

I knew I'd see you again. I didn't think it would be this soon.

I know a little bit about anger.

I know all of her lines,

I know just what to say to her.

I know she must be feeling what I feel.

I know that I need to.

I know this sounds crazy,

I know we can be hard on each other,

I know what I have to do. I have to go across the street

I know you're upset, but let's not go crazy.

I know, and now nutrition breast juice wow

I know, it's way too soon.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know. I saw it too.

I know. I've seen your love life.

I know. In L.A., by now, I'd have had at least one conversation

I know. That's why the box is labeled "auto parts".

I let my guard down, fell madly in love,

I like being likeable.

I like funyuns.

I like you a lot.

I like you.

I live at the same house number, two blocks over.

I look like little orphan granny.

I love her.

I love you so much.

I love you!

I made a miracle comeback from a fake illness

I mean she's right.

I mean, by the time you park, get the shuttle,

I mean, he cried.

I mean, he might not be ready yet.

I mean, I can play tired in my sleep.

I mean, it wasn't just you clapping like a maniac?

I mean, just standing up there in your wedding dress...

I mean, we're in girlfriend purgatory.

I mean, what group of women

I mean, who can talk about themselves for that long?

I mean, why?

I mean, you could go to jail.

I mean, you get them the best nannies money can buy...

I meant a tolerance for your voices.

I meant that, here,

I meant to say that people in L.A. are vain and superficial.

I might completely fall apart.

I might not be ready yet.

I miss you, Melanie. And I miss us.

I must have had a good reason.

I need a list of really fun things...

I need advice.

I need to know what's going on with my son...

I needed cheering up.

I never even saw my neighbors in L.A.

I notice even now a few people looking my way.

I only need to know what he's going to do

I played a lady storm chaser in the lifetime movie

I played Esmeralda in summer stock.

I posted it.

I really do think this is the best for both of us.

I really don't have much of an appetite this morning.

I really don't think you women are thinking this through.

I really need to tell you how I feel.

I resent that comment.

I rush ordered some Indonesian Rosewood oil last week,

I say that we celebrate now that it's all over.

I say we kill him.

I see he got your change of address card.

I see the truth about myself, too!

I see what you're dealing with here.

I see.

I shouldn't do that.

I still don't know what sport that was.

I think he's writing about me, the whole city's gonna hate me.

I think I'm having a mid life crisis.

I think might loosen everyone up.

I think so.

I think that might actually be quite fantastic.

I think there are three empty seats over there.

I think weather's cool.