Harley Quinn (2019) - Season 1 Edit

A broken record. He's not coming!

A cat up a tree.

A damn good bat signal.

A dream come true, puddin'.

A fire! Brilliant!

A giant tentacle monster in the basement.

A half monkey, half octopus,

A highly classified technological device

A Japanese chef offered a large sum of money for it

A kryptonite powered submarine

A little bit about the Legion of Doom.

A little ******* lightning never hurt anyone.

A male supervillain can literally look like a deformed penguin,

A man can't show emotion!

A man?

A midget and a mudslide? [laughs]

A name for themselves at parties.

A one armed officer... The stories my mind is weaving.

A repressed memory or something?

A scourge.

A stranger on the streets. [chuckling]

A super villain's lair is a reflection of who they really are.

A tapeworm that sets up shop in Gotham's lower

A transchanger.

A triumph!

A villain goes in alone,

A weak woman and whatnot.

A work drink.

Aah! Come on! Come on! To the exit, now!

About a man who explodes...

About me being the missing piece?

About that meeting, I wanted to say

About that tower with your face on it you pitched at the meeting?

Absolutely. Over my dead body.

Abused, shit on, used as a human shield?

According to head scientist Jerome Stansfield,

Actors exchange true

Actually I'm not currently committed to anyone,

Actually, Fables may have done us a solid.

Actually, I'm a normal sized shark,

Actually, it's not okay.

Acupuncture works.

Add a fun hat.

Admit it! Admit we never battled.

Admit you're nothing without me

After 9:00 p.m.?

After all the cases I've helped him solve.

After all, you're a criminal, like me.

After everything I did for them.

After I lost 20 pounds.

After Piano Bar Janet said she

After treating her like shit for months?

After we get married, we'll take a cruise to Barbados,

After what I did in...

After what you did for me,

Again, it's margarita mix, so that doesn't apply. But look, chin up.

Again?

Ah ha! The Olympic gold medals.

Ah hah, ah hah, ah hah.

Ah uh. Don't you dare Italian chef finger kiss

Ah, ah, I might finish that.

Ah, fuck me.

Ah, geez, that's so nice.

Ah, got it! So you're just a creepy dick.

Ah, I gotta tell ya. I think he's adorable.

Ah, it doesn't matter. You look fantastic. Is that new lipstick, or

Ah, or... Or we can do what I usually do.

Ah, screw this.

Ah, shit...

Ah, sorry for that too!

Ah, sorry!

Ah, well, what if it's not too late?

Ah, what'd I tell ya about this place?

Ah, you've got that "or" face.

Ah! Before that happens. Now we're trapped.

Ah! I thought you ended the bloodline?

Ah! No response to physical stimuli.

Ah! Okay, boys.

Ah! What have I done?

Ah. Damn it.

Ah. Easy come, easy go.

Ah. Oh, I was so proud.

Ah...

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahhh!

Ahhh!

Ahhh! Goddammit! Who put that there?

Ain't gonna make me see him any different, okay?

Ain't no shower in that tower.

AKA the Bill doe.

All credit goes to the Big Bad Wolf here.

All great suggestions for things we need'a stop sayin'.

All I ask is that occasionally

All I can say is,

All I wanted was what every ******* mother wants,

All I'm asking for is a second chance.

All I'm saying is, is that you can do way better than Joker.

All of Ivy's biggest fears.

All right

All right, all right, all right, I got a plan.

All right, all right. Thanks, Frank.

All right, dickhead. Just drop the lisp.

All right, Doctor, help your patient.

All right, everybody back in the tank.

All right, everyone.

All right, fine. Do your thing.

All right, fine. Just go. Go steal the money.

All right, guys.

All right, guys. Come on. Take a look around.

All right, here's the plan. Me and Psycho will go in through the back,

All right, I learned something today, Cowlheads,

All right, I'm going to let you guys go.

All right, I've got a two o'clock with an independent contractor

All right, let's boogie.

All right, let's get in there and fix her up.

All right, let's get outta here

All right, let's see now.

All right, now I'm going.

All right, people, listen, I want ideas.

All right, Quinn. Time for me to take you to Arkham.

All right, so look, there's a glass ceiling for female supervillains, okay?

All right, stop!

All right, Stop. Let's get real for a second.

All right, thank you. I remember what you said.

All right, that's it. Enough of this shit.

All right, the place isn't ready. You'll come back tomorrow. Tomorrow.

All right, this is what we're going after.

All right, we're going in. Sy's stayin'.

All right, we're gonna steal this asshole's gold medals

All right, who ya workin' for?

All right, you know, I really better get going.

All right. Calm down, calm down, don't panic.

All right. Kill him.

All right. Let me grab the Three Little Pigs to clean this mess up.

All right. Let's come up with a plan here.

All right. Okay, okay.

All right. Two options, Gordy.

All right. We got a personal force field to steal.

All right. You know what? Screw it. It's corn.

All scary shit got that laugh.

All the heavy hitters,

All the Legion bigwigs are here.

All the reasons you said it can't work

All you gotta do is swim around

All your dreams come true!

Almost beat an Irish to death. Nothing to do with gamblin'.

Alone ish.

Already done

Already thought of that. Psycho?

Also heard we have an actor here.

Also known as

Also want to apologize for saying

Also, are those raisins?

Also, FYI he's banging his assistant Denise.

Also, got a checkup at the doc yesterday.

Also, he is not my nemesis.

Also, let's be honest,

Also, let's not mention the whole face punchin' thingy.

Also, let's talk about dinner.

Also, listen, I am very sorry

Also, the LOL felt a little sweaty.

Also, you'd be a child killer,

Although I don't know how you avoided her family proclivity for...

Although, he did use my idea

Although, technically, one boy becomes a man today.

Although, that could be the morphine talking.

Am I right audience?

Am I super baked

Am I the only one whose asshole's puckering.

Am I? Am I?

An adorable little soldier of fortune, isn't he?

An explosion? Perhaps! I know, diabetes!

An extension of the business conversation from earlier.

An idea.

An individual person who exists outside of you!

An intricate system of tunnels carved by The Mole.

And a couple of horny tigers.

And a one and a two

And also morphine induced,

And also, Harley's gonna show up

And an old one at that.

And anything else we can get out hands on.

And Batman is missing.

And because he claimed I'm fucking Psycho.

And believe me,

And bleached mine. Look! Look!

And blow this whole fuckin' place sky high.

And boom, you're a war criminal.

And brokenhearted after breakin' up with Joker.

And burnt a hole through the countertop.

And calls himself a "beer nerd"?

And common sense gun laws.

And cut off your bat nuts!

And do everything for her.

And do the fucking thing.

And do you know why?

And every time ya end up at Arkham.

And finally, because of how much she loved me,

And for the record, our couple name was...

And from what exotic pueblito

And get those two.

And God help us if you get to Gotham's bladder!

And he apologized for that

And he grew up in a cage!

And he hasn't been down here for like 35 years.

And he plans to broadcast it on live TV.

And heated you up in an abandoned pizza oven.

And her buds can handle this cold.

And here we are.

And his stupid Legion of Doom buddies think.

And how do we figure out what that is?

And how, pray tell, will you do that?

And I am a telepath

And I am part plant.

And I asked you for one favor,

And I don't call women [bleep] anymore?

And I haven't seen an evil rising star like you

And I hope it doesn't affect our friendship.

And I just didn't tell you.

And I just want to thank absolutely no one.

And I just, honestly,

And I know just where to start.

And I saw so much evil potential in you.

And I still am.

And I thought I could talk about that with my friend.

And I thought you didn't love anything more than trees.

And I told you I only go there once a year,

And I want to give a special shout out to Dr. Psycho,

And I was told I should ask what happened to you.

And I wasn't thinking computers.

And I will never get into the Legion.

And I won't ever, knowingly, send you to your deaths.

And I... I really do wish I could be there to see it.

And I'd like to welcome our newest member,

And I'll just, like, shoot it at the moon

And I'll never get my lost, little right hand man back.

And I'll put him in a missile

And I'm definitely not writing a puff piece about...

And I'm done in a two minutes.

And I'm going give you this whole tray.

And I'm happy to say,

And I'm here to tell you

And I'm not going to let these animals touch you.

And I'm not paying to re carpet this place.

And I'm sorry for what I'm about to do.

And if I had one, I'd use that warhead to blackmail Gotham

And if no bad guy will work with me,

And if you don't... [laughing]

And if you just stopped sabotaging yourself

And if you wanna get in there,

And if your dirty circus freak friends keep messin' it up,

And in the '80s, cocaine and animal hybridization

And in the acid, the loser will fry.

And into the fucking tax book we go, forever.

And it doesn't include the crossword, which is ridic.

And it was addressed to you,

And it wasn't an engagement ring.

And it's a gonna be a delicious.

And it's the only thing I wanted!

And just let this shit play out?

And just look for the emergency exit, all right?

And killed trees for us.

And knew you must have her.

And lay with...

And less Harley ish than I would have imagined.

And let me tell you, she did not...

And let my brains smash all over the sidewalk.

And made a whole bunch of new ones!

And made off with a set of ancient Atlantean jewels.

And make sure you bad guys bring a good attitude.

And make the world an even worse place?

And my gymnastics, I mean, there's nothing we can't do if we team up.

And next thing I know she doesn't wanna be friends anymore!

And no sign of Batman,

And not a demolitions expert.

And nothing more.

And now I literally sleep on a pile of gold.

And now I'll text her back.

And now I'm doing this,

And now I'm going to undo that mistake.

And now I'm here and it's gonna damn well happen.

And now look at ya.

And now our last and most compelling story.

And now this is my life.

And now, for me, too.

And now, look!

And now... [laughs]

And on and off.

And on the 26th floor.

And put an end to this.

And really make it something special.

And rise as Harley Quinn!

And s'plosions!

And said I can expense any meal

And said I lost my virginity to a horse!

And say you're not over your ex boyfriend.

And say, "We have your daughter."

And scare the kid so bad he admits he's lying.

And scare the shit out of people.

And screw Fables for joining 'em.

And sees I'm not there!

And she doesn't want to do a heist with you

And she needs to end it and find her own identity and... [gasps]

And she's decided to get adult braces.

And slowly trim them back to death.

And sneak into a PG 13 movie?

And so has Harley.

And so now you're gonna tell her that it's...

And so oddly similar to that of Forrest Gump.

And so, my only option

And something suspiciously labeled "dolphin encounter."

And speaking of time,

And spliced 'em together.

And squeeze your butt cheeks together.

And stand atop the mountain of skulls

And start a riot to cause a distraction?

And stealing that cash ola,

And stealing that cash ola,

And still is.

And suddenly a simple crime

And tear him a new asshole, I get it, I get it.

And thanks to Black Manta for the bagels.

And that ain't you, puddin'.

And that is Harley Quinn and her crew aren't worthy of Legionnaires' disease,

And that makes the dinner last five minutes longer?

And that motherfucker won't even call me back

And that we can lean on each other for our most intimate emotional needs.

And that weird electric guy just to steal an unstealable weather machine,

And that you got no friends and that

And that.

And that's all the time we have.

And that's our show, folks!

And that's why you always end the what?

And the best thing to do is just cut them loose.

And the CIA took notice.

And the goddamn Second Amendment.

And the headline is... Never mind.

And the interest attached to those loans.

And the killer's still in the ho

And the Legion of Doom will never take me.

And the longer we wait... Okay, she's gone.

And the other one

And the piece de resistance?

And the truth being, what, exactly?

And the worst part, I can't blame her.

And then after getting the Medal of Honor in war

And then chase that guard... Mwah!

And then having them ditch me.

And then I'm not going to not puppeteer his face.

And then kills them by turning them into plants.

And then kills them.

And then let me walk away in one piece?

And then my breakup with Joker.

And then you can go back to doing whatever it is you do.

And then you get it for yourself.

And then you won't like what I get you

And then, they all ran off with that loser Kite Man.

And there's no way I'm living' in Metropolis.

And these people are not your enemy

And they say it's so funny it makes people's brains explode!

And they say it's so funny it makes people's brains explode!

And they see this shit everyday. Anyway.

And they're available to our members at any time.

And they're covered in soft, soft gloves.

And they're the toughest audience to make laugh

And this asshole's trying to steal it on live TV!

And this is the thanks I get?

And this!

And thought, "I get it. This is fun."

And thought, "Oh, I wish I could touch this dead body."

And tonight, I "max"

And we have a new member.

And we have to work for anyone who asks.

And we hit the perfect tone!

And we never covered anything this fucked up.

And we're just kinda soaring majestically,

And we're murdering everyone in Gotham in three, two...

And we've got every resource your crew could want.

And what better hands to be in?

And what did I just say about going to that island?

And when you wanna unveil it,

And when you're the most powerful man in the world, there's no room for weakness.

And where is that stupid neighbor kid

And where the fuck is Psycho?

And where this giant tentacle monster came from?

And who do you think you are, a psychiatrist?

And won't end their relationship

And ya know what?

And yes, I'm in the crew.

And yes, if we die in Harley's mind,

And yet, they're only

And you came home drunk and tried to mind control the microwave,

And you can count me out of this Legion of Doom business.

And you can meet a hot guy and use your cool love potion.

And you could be any kind of... I don't know,

And you ended up happy, and heroic.

And you have destroyed nine TVs.

And you just got a verbal ass whooping.

And you know I don't want to do that.

And you know, just don't, like, touch anything.

And you produce Clayface's Fuller House reboot...

And you smell like shrimp shit. Excuse us.

And you stole it from me.

And you sure as hell

And you walk away alive.

And you wanna throw your success in his face.

And you weren't even there to tell me to not consider it!

And you'll be mine forever.

And you'll be mine forever.

And you're gonna eat them?

And you're one petite young woman with a bat.

And your ambition won't just hurt you,

And, by the way, I know that tree, okay?

And, instead of helpin' him get it back,

And, like, smash some people with her bat, too.

And, maybe if it goes well,

And, of my friend, I will say just this.

And, uh, hope it calms down.

And, we needed a new ottoman.

And, yes, I heard you,

And, you know, maybe the tears helped a little, too.

And..

And... I care about dat ass.

And... Just one chair.

Ann halina Yo lee.

Another member insisted on dropping by.

Another suicide cult.

Any last words

Any part of that disaster.

Any thoughts on this kite?

Anybody feel this shit but me?

Anybody have any WD 40?

Anyone have a Class B commercial license?

Anyway, are you here for the big execution?

Anyway, I think Zach Braff is alive.

Anyway, I'm sorry. I shoulda stayed in touch.

Anyway, no. The reason I wasn't happy

Anyway. You stained all my carpeting.

Apologies for the disguise.

Apologies, but your friend, Rupert,

Apparently not!

Aquaman!

Aquaman?

Arabian Double Front!

Are behind this anarchy.

Are exactly the reasons I gotta do it!

Are hideous scars on your face actually awesome?

Are we finally going to see those tanks

Are we still gonna get our weekly coffees?

Are ya gonna shut the fuck up so I can talk?

Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?

Are you familiar with it?

Are you gonna let my crew go, or what?

Are you mad because I had to save you from Joker?

Are you okay?

Are you on a tank?

Are you one of the dancers for my nephew's bar mitzvah?

Are you shittin' me?

Are you shitting me!

Are you sure you took everything out of your pockets?

Are you tired of being a lousy sidekick?

Are you trying to steal my Batman?

Are you wearing a helmet?

Argh!

Argh!

Argh! [choking]

Around four inches tall out of your storybook.

Around the perimeter of Gotham,

As a vat of freedom sauce! [grunts]

As apropos a speech now

As it does not represent our brand of evil.

As the Dickens of the Deep.

As when it was originally delivered

As you might've guessed, it all went horribly wrong.

Asks the guy who fucks bats.

At least you got a swag bag, right?

At the end of a rotting pier!

Aw, don't do that.

Aw, Harleen, I am so sorry for what I did.

Aw, I couldn't leave you behind.

Aw, I guess I was just being...impulsive.

Aw, Ive, you'd hurt him for me?

Aw, little Ivy.

Aw, shit. What are you doin' in my memory?

Aw, such sweet girls.

Aw, thanks, friend.

Aw, that's really sweet of you to say.

Aw, the fuck do you know? You're all fuckin' insane.

Aw, yeah, that's truly evil of ya, Ma.

Aw. And that's one chipmunk we'll never forget.

Aw. Butterfingers.

Aw. He is precious.

Aw...

Aw...

Away from the tower so we can stop Joker.

Aww. No baby?

Babe, anytime.

Babe, what real supervillain is gonna give away their trade secrets?

Baby steps, right, Harley?

Backwards salto!

Bad news, thanks to an 8.6 earthquake,

Bane, he decided to blow up

Bane, Sinestro, Grodd,

Bane, stop it.

Bane, why are you letting him talk to you like that?

Bane!

Bane? Ugh! We only work together.

Based on your recent evil efforts,

Bat down. Bat down. [chuckles]

Batman stops Joker from robbing the credit union.

Batman! Batman!

Batman? You have fought him countless times

Batman.

Bats will be our nemesis.

Bats?

Batter up!

Be prudent.

Be with me, Konstantin.

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Because a regular tower doesn't have a fire pole

Because after a great date, you usually have sex.

Because everyone else has already done it.

Because Harley dumped you.

Because he didn't say it to you

Because I am squished.

Because I am this credit card's reckoning.

Because I don't want to join

Because I truly believe that you deserve better.

Because I'm about to work blue.

Because I'm the Joker!

Because it's the only way to keep you safe.

Because no bad guy will ever work for a woman

Because plants do all this shit for her lazy ass.

Because Scarecrow's crop dusting fear toxin

Because she's the only human being I think is worth a shit.

Because some jazz hippies

Because this is serious, meticulous, neuron processing

Because this is sort of how you screw up.

Because this is the Legion of Doom table!

Because this was not a date.

Because you and your troublesome horde

Because you are young.

Because you never asked.

Because you never order anything.

Because you said you wanted to be

Because you were canoodling with the Joker instead.

Because you're a textbook sociopathic narcissist

Because you're afraid I won't need you anymore.

Because your sick brain is trying to lock up memories

Because... Oh!

Becomes a thrilling narrative between two titans.

Before I kill your dumb blonde, stupid, smelly...

Before I left she was like, "I have to use the bathroom.

Before NCIS comes on.

Before putting them in the recycling bin, okay?

Before she can crawl

Before she looks for something new.

Before you open your female trap,

Bein' Ivy's boyfriend, it is pricey.

Being in the meeting earlier

Being John Malcovich rules.

Besides, no,

Besides, no,

Best day ever!

Best Earth Day ever. Holla. [chuckles]

Best friends again?

Better than the picture they use of me.

Big whoop!

Bingo.

Black Mamba, this is Gerbil, it happened again.

Blood Haven Thrill Park. Such memories.

Bon soir, bro. Rezzy for two.

Boom! Look at that. We just figured it out.

Boom! On site coordinator.

Boom! Reveals a giant TV.

Booyah!

Borrow? Take him, please.

Both uncut on a small ranch just outside of Muskogee.

Bounty's up to... Oh, man! That's a lot of zeros.

Boy, stop it!

Boy, that was some fun shit, Harley, huh?

Boys?

Bravo!

Break the Batman.

Brilliant! Hm, what do cops love?

Brilliant! That's what the world sees.

Bring it on, Bats! [laughs]

Bring it, bitch.

Brother, it is I, the Superman, from Kryptalon.

Brought a tiger. Pretty cool.

BTW, all those times you stared at

Buh bye.

But a supervillain needs henchmen.

But actually kind of glad we could all be here together.

But against all logic and reason, I do like you.

But also for me.

But answer my question.

But are we really war criminals?

But are you sure Cinderella's mouse is up for the job?

But as long as I'm here, I'm gonna keep my family safe.

But at least I'm not on the streets turning tricks for cash anymore.

But at least, that guy showed up

But by the time I unleash it,

But didn't he try to kill you multiple times?

But didn't realize that you needed a password?

But do ya know how much a pant suit costs?

But eat enough that you don't get fainty

But first, [chuckles nervously]

But for the record, he does have a point.

But for you. For us.

But frankly, Harley,

But God forbid we outshine them even a little bit,

But Harley says

But he always does.

But he replaced it with one of those greeting cards that plays music.

But he took me from eight social media followers

But he was attacking me.

But he's too powerful.

But hey, you got a chance to repair it, okay?

But him?

But Howie Mandel's only showing

But I am a doctor!

But I believe in you, and I think you have a part to play.

But I believe this is where we must part ways.

But I bet the article itself is more positive.

But I did set this whole thing up.

But I didn't 'cause he's a kid and kids are gross.

But I don't wanna be the third "Thriller" in line for the potato salad. You feel me?

But I figured she'd come running as soon as she heard.

But I found Scarecrow... wait.

But I have a regional margarine commercial audition

But I just couldn't do it.

But I just kept bugging her,

But I love never usin' your advice

But I mean, that is what happened, right?

But I need this job.

But I never thought I was evil enough.

But I suppose I am large for a man.

But I think it'd look better on me.

But I wanted to see how all this played out.

But I was a total shit back then.

But I was afraid I let it go too long.

But I was still plannin' on helping you.

But I won't forget again.

But I, like, totally ship you guys.

But I'd never deny you the pleasure

But I'd never deny you the pleasure of buying me time to escape.

But I'll be damned.

But I'll definitely get you out before breakfast.

But I'll get ya in.

But I'm a purist.

But I'm also practical.

But I'm happy I finally have someone here

But I'm not happy.

But I'm off the grid here.

But I'm passive aggressively not responding.

But I'm the chemo.

But I'm your daughter.

But I've got my real friend back now,

But I've hidden a bomb somewhere in Gotham.

But if I did, I'd drop to three stars on Goon Review.

But if there was any person who definitely belongs there,

But if volcano sacrifices is your thing,

But if we succeed, it will make the Legion so furious,

But if you did, the world would be yours.

But in this fight, I'm afraid I have to

But instead of killing me, it...

But instead you ditched me

But it can be.

But it can swim,

But it felt like that's where it was headed.

But it is quite majestic.

But it seemed like such a hard concept for you to understand,

But it wasn't being turned into a tentacle monster

But it wouldn't give away our location,

But it... it was.

But it's almost impossible to get brain out of a cape.

But it's Legally Blonde or I'm out!

But it's mine now.

But it's not not about me either.

But it's so sad she suffered from a lisp.

But it's the little ones that keep me going.

But like not so much that they weren't also delighted

But look at you.

But maybe it should be, Jim.

But maybe we could put a little sugar

But maybe you can mention I'm reformed

But mostly for you, babe.

But my arm.

But no! You can't put a price on a smile.

But not more important than you guys.

But not someone you just referred to as "Psycho."

But not your own son's birthday!

But now, they'll let in any, say...

But on the whole, though, a lotta regret.

But once you drop below four, you're dead.

But one person stood above the rest.

But please note that as soon as I'm able to urinate

But she was on the right side of your heart

But so good for your Instagram.

But that is the old me.

But that joke killed with the camera crew,

But that shark's been coming in here all week.

But that was God's trigger to pull.

But that's not what really happened, is it?

But that's not what we're here to talk about.

But that's not your problem.

But the castle is perfect for entertaining.

But the only effective way of doing it

But the person who told me that had nasty breath,

But the point he's trying to make is,

But the retinal scanner at the entrance to the room is on you.

But the truth is, they punished me in a way no one has ever been punished.

But then I rode the Cyclotron

But there is a card.

But there's nothing I can't handle.

But there's still someone

But they change their menu every day.

But they didn't check...

But they will respect the shit out of me.

But they're really just... [screaming] assholes!

But this green thumbed plant enthusiast

But this is close enough. Isn't this place awesome?

But this is my dream.

But this is the last time.

But those pieces of shit are the only people Joker ever treated as equals.

But was imprisoned in the US Tax Code by The Justice League.

But we agreed I'm the muscle! I do the hitting!

But we are a little backed up. It will be about 40 minutes.

But we are completely and utterly screwed.

But we can still give the people a show, buddy.

But we do have explosives.

But we leaned on each other.

But we... [chuckles] We know better, don't we?

But weirdly really moving.

But who?

But why does he want your ass alive?

But why?

But y'know, Supes, if you're avail, I'm...

But ya couldn't do it!

But ya wanna find the critic that said you're the biggest fuck up on my crew

But yeah, I like your fancy way better.

But you are worth it.

But you came here to fight, Harley.

But you can come help rescue Ivy.

But you can't change your memories!

But you didn't,

But you do.