The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel - Season 1 Edit

A '55 Bel Air.

A 25th anniversary party Friday.

A And I didn't know tonight was gonna happen,

A And I didn't know tonight was gonna happen,

A And once a year, we'd tour the building? The outside,

A Are you kidding me? You're in a wedding dress.

A backup place in case you get bored with the other one?

A block. A whole block.

A boxing thing.

A boy and a girl

A boy and a girl.

A business proposition.

A comedienne. Intriguing.

A compact;

A distraction.

A door does not represent infinite possibilities.

A dream is what keeps you going

A fancy garage and a fancy mansion to go with it.

A fat suit is very warm, by the way.

A few months ago. I'm sorry you weren't invited to the wedding.

A few. We hire our own technicians, our own scientists.

A funny Betty Crocker... that's interesting.

A gift for you and Miriam.

A gift from God,

A good 40 to 50 minutes of crying.

A good amount of time.

A half empty...

A hammer means triumph. You will triumph.

A hammer means triumph. You will triumph.

A hole here, a hole here, two holes here.

A late in life bris, that's more fun. Uh uh.

A lawyer.

A list of people

A list that would include the venerable Rabbi Wasserman

A little boy is only three and a half feet tall,

A little lesson that crime doesn't pay.

A lot of French women aren't married?

A lot of what?

A man doesn't leave

A man is gonna pick it up.

A manic emotional state.

A million times, looking like Lena Horne.

A minute, make sure he's not gonna blow again.

A new job.

A nudge. A gentle nudge.

A perfect man.

A pointless "no."

A press agent talking to Abe Lincoln.

A pretty girl with $500."

A quantum leap in satellite technology.

A rare sighting.

A rat died in the wall or something.

A ringing endorsement.

A rough, rough time, and I just want to

A Silly Putty, pass the bag, and so on.

A small city just outside Bucharest.

A sort of cardigan?

A stand up act.

A starving artist never pays.

A stuffed cabbage,

A testament to your skill.

A valuable commodity these days. Uh uh.

A very good man, but that card's in every pack,

A very good question, Chaim.

A very, very funny guy.

A wedding gift to a married couple.

A, uh, articulated stylus incising...

Aah! Hey!

Aaron writes doorbells for all his friends.

Abe and Rose are very smart.

Abe got up this morning and went to work.

Abe, don't you see that doesn't go

Abe, I know this is your gathering,

Abe, Miriam is here.

Abe, perhaps just for tonight

Abe, please relax.

Abe, slow down. Why are we going out to dinner?

Abe, we're gathering the best and the brightest

Abe, what do you think?

Abe, would you leave the beard on

Abe, you got a package.

Abe, you haven't changed the speech, have you?

Abe, your door is clear!

Abe! Dinner's on the table!

Abe! I thought you wanted to come out.

Abe?

Abe?

Abe? The boxes have been moved.

Abe.

Abe. Abe!

Abe's family, everyone's married.

About a month ago, Joel came here

About Bell Labs.

About everything.

About half an inch before you reach the eyebrow.

About how generous I'm feeling right now,

About ******* girls in the bedroom?

About ******* girls in the bedroom?

About my husband, and my kids.

About taking back the apartment? Nope. No way.

About this stupid gig?

About what?

About why Joel's not there.

About you in front of a bunch of people you know.

About your situation... I've completely lost track.

Abraham...

Absolutely nothing is wrong with these people.

Absolutely.

Accompanied by excessive paperwork. And how.

Across all five boroughs.

Across all five boroughs.

Actually Moishe, you haven't, that I know of.

Actually, I'm a little bloated right now.

Actually, just for the underwear.

Actually, my wife would bring the brisket,

Actually, that doesn't sound funny at all.

Add a little airplane glue.

Adjusting to your needs.

After 10.

After all, I am a woman.

After all, she has a teddy bear he won for her at Coney Island.

After dinner is my time to read.

After Ethan's party, he spent the night.

After hearing them. Isn't that right, guys?

After that night, at the club, after I failed like that,

After three glasses of champagne

After what you put your mother and me through,

After years of having my mother tell me,

Again and again and again?

Again, with the cousins.

Against that wall instead of over here by the bathroom

Agents, secretaries, security, the janitor.

Agnes Moorehead.

Ah, did he now? Guys, guys, you're not in your homes.

Ah, gee, thanks.

Ah, get over here.

Ah, I didn't cut the lines. Just wanted to sound like

Ah, I will. Yes.

Ah, I'm sure I changed.

Ah, ******* women are known to be more difficult.

Ah, see, you already got another shit gig.

Ah, the curry's terrible. We'll have the takeout.

Ah, who the hell knows?

Ah, yes.

Ah, yes. I am here to have dinner.

Ah, you stupid, stupid boy.

Ah!

Ah! They couldn't believe it.

Ah! You miss the Dodgers?

Ah.

Ah. See my card?

Aha! I was right.

Airplane glue on a rag and fuck, shit, cock, prick."

Al Jolson is goyish

Al, let me call you back.

All based on her notebook.

All designed to cut off the circulation to your brain,

All hail the Upper West Side.

All hell breaks loose.

All I can remember is

All I've got is a wedding ring

All of this goes in that mouth

All of this.

All of you who came out today and marched and made signs,

All right

All right then. You asked for it.

All right, all right, we're having fun here.

All right, all right.

All right, all right.

All right, all right. She'll remain nameless.

All right, ankle.

All right, come on, come to Grandpa.

All right, everybody.

All right, give it up for a very funny lady,

All right, here. Go smoke a cigarette.

All right, just keep in mind

All right, ladies, crab walk.

All right, let's see what we got here.

All right, let's think this through.

All right, next up is a really funny comedian.

All right, next up, a lady

All right, now, Abe, you got your speech, right?

All right, orange tie, crappy suit. Ready?

All right, thank you, Ethan Carter and his combo!

All right, up next, we have a comedian.

All right, yeah!

All right? They're gonna be drunk,

All right.

All right.

All right. WOMAN: Yeah

All right. All right. But did I mention

All right. Bowling alley's in Jersey

All right. I'll resume smelling my dessert wine

All right. Now, that's very nice of you,

All right. Thank... well, thank you for your help.

All right. Yes. Uh huh. Okay. Bye bye, Shirley.

All right. You win.

All she did was suck a lemon down to the rind,

All that applause for me?

All that shit they say

All that shit they say

All that shit they say about ******* girls...

All that yelling, all that emotion.

All the best comics do.

All this anger and emotion is pointless.

All we know is she's married to some guy named Joel,

All women.

All your background checks are completed.

Alphabetizing my books.

Although I'm sure it's way more complicated than it looks,

Although you might when you hear this.

Always be on time...

Always be polite...

Always be pretty...

Always spreading it around.

Always with the books, geez.

Am I supposed to live in here now?

Amanda Gleason better not come within ten feet

Amanda Gleason has been blackballed.

Amanda Gleason is a terrible name.

Amanda is ready.

Amanda may be opening for you

Amaretto sour, please, Palmer.

Amaretto sour.

Amen! WOMAN 2: Right!

An activity. Yes.

An airtight ten.

An And... and my mother is so nosy,

An anti Semite, an isolationist.

An anti Semite, an isolationist.

An applied mathematician of your skills

An asshole has to be motivated.

An impermanent solution,

An informative colloquy can't hurt.

An old soldier with one arm gave me a nickel

An upstanding citizen with a spotless record.

And "B," what if I wasn't supposed to be a mother?

And 100% my wife.

And a bunch of guys saying shit loud enough

And a couple of extra, like, laughlets.

And a dreidel signed by Sammy Davis Jr.,

And a half chopped liver on challah,

And a Kelvinator Foodarama refrigerator, can't I?

And a lady never kicks men repeatedly in the balls

And a lion chased me and ate my purse.

And about how easy it would be to make me angry again.

And accessorize it!

And acting like I know what the hell I'm talking about.

And after a while, I start yelling back.

And after dinner...

And after I say it and after you hear it,

And after I stole it, I could do it better.

And all my bags got lost,

And all the undecided.

And also hearsay, Your Honor,

And and I'm thinking, "Well, right now he's small.

And and this so called Robert Moses?

And another; she's on the prowl

And apparently whatever he's been saying is very impressive.

And apparently, you exposed your breasts.

And are those pretzels?

And as they all start to read,

And at night, jigsaw puzzles, portraits,

And be happy. No.

And beautiful, like, God, this woman is beautiful.

And because it's better

And Bell Labs is leading the pack.

And boy, oh, boy, did we get it right!

And burned the house down.

And chose not to meet me.

And come on, who wouldn't want to come home

And compares all her lipstick color to the stain.

And consommé and hard boiled eggs and pureed cauliflower

And deaf and married, but keep an open mind.

And decide that it doesn't need the other vector anymore,

And deranged to you all right now, and I am.

And doesn't speak to anyone for the next three weeks.

And doink.

And don't be funny without me.

And don't fake it like you did for me

And don't let her wriggle for a full minute after.

And dumb. I mean, she's pretty,

And every time I think I can breathe again, I can't.

And everybody completely ignored me.

And everyone in the store is staring,

And extremely disrespectful.

And extremely hungry.

And familiar.

And figure out he has to accelerate the plan.

And finally, I said, "Shirley, if Abe doesn't

And get it over with.

And get the shawl, huh?

And go make a sandwich?

And got downtown as quickly as I could.

And got home at 9:30 in the morning.

And Greek dramas.

And had children of my own. Two, actually.

And have you ever seen that place?

And he and Archie went into Archie's office

And he asked to come back.

And he left.

And he looks the other way.

And he ripped a tablecloth out

And he thought I was brilliant.

And he took it back when his son left me.

And he wanted to walk through the park and then

And he was eating out of the palm of my hand

And he was fabulous.

And he was staring at Rose in a very weird way.

And he'd say...

And he'd say...

And he'll laugh at a sponge.

And he's saying you screwed him over.

And he's single

And he's thrown the cat out the window.

And her poor staff.

And here comes her husband to say hello,

And here we go.

And here's the worst thing.

And here's why.

And his bloviating and speeches.

And his name would be Dashiell or Stafford or...

And his right ear is completely deaf.

And honing their act so you don't have to see them bomb.

And hope we don't go out of business first.

And how come men seem to get a completely different

And how they create the public personas

And how would that work? We buy Union Carbide?

And I am all out of my Mermaid Ice eye shadow.

And I am going to get back up on that stage.

And I am starving.

And I came here, and here you are.

And I can dive in today.

And I cannot stress this strongly enough,

And I did this for you also.

And I don't care.

And I don't have a time.

And I don't know what corner of the room

And I don't understand it, because so what if I work?

And I don't understand why you'd do it

And I don't want to get on a rant here,

And I don't want to keep anything from you.

And I don't want to throw up, so close the door.

And I felt bad about that, but now I think

And I graded them perfectly...

And I hated to send him off like that.

And I have absolutely no idea what's going on, at all.

And I have faith that you know what you're doing,

And I have no idea

And I have no idea what people of their age do at parties.

And I have no idea what you've been telling people.

And I have to say, if he talks about getting

And I hear a rustling noise from a button crate.

And I just didn't read the fine print?

And I just didn't try hard enough.

And I just thought, "My God...

And I know that you've always thought

And I know this is shallow and petty and small,

And I know you think he's pretty dreamy,

And I love this top.

And I marry Adam's son, Cain.

And I mean completely empty

And I mean dating and married...

And I ordered Chinese in case it's awful

And I realized she wasn't even on the other end of the phone,

And I realized... I don't have one

And I really hit it off with Darren on the way up.

And I said yes, and they asked to see a picture,

And I say my name, Sophie Lennon,

And I say, "Do you have vanilla creams?"

And I say, "No," and she says, "You're sure?"

And I say, "That's a very immature argument,"

And I showed him I loved him.

And I sort of fake punched his arm...

And I swear to you, it is gonna work.

And I swear to you, it is gonna work.

And I think that's rotten. It's mean

And I thought your teenage years were a problem.

And I took the bus home. Oh, you're welcome!

And I walked out that door, I would not have a place to go.

And I want my notebook.

And I wanted a powder room.

And I wanted to say to him, "Sir, look in a mirror.

And I was in the neighborhood.

And I was scared to death that it was a ghost.

And I was the man to get them out.

And I wear four layers of petticoats."

And I will have my usual, Dawes.

And I would solve the mysteries of the universe

And I would've.

And I... bombed.

And I'd be going...

And I'll be stuck with your brother's nephew's

And I'll buy more notebooks.

And I'll take it.

And I'm going to take a shower, hmm.

And I'm I'm trying to get it right.

And I'm in line for a new job.

And I'm just wondering what the deal is

And I'm like, "Moths? What moths?"

And I'm not gonna try. Do you understand?

And I'm not naive. I know that men like stupid girls.

And I'm officially losing my mind,

And I'm saying, "I was there first."

And I'm sorry, but look at me

And I'm starting to wonder, who's right here?

And I'm thinking about last week.

And I'm up there dying,

And I've been blackballed along with her.

And I've been crunching the numbers.

And I've dabbled in TV a little.

And I've got news for you.

And if Columbia University fell into the ocean,

And if I am not wearing that when he gets home,

And if I have to go to Israel

And if I see those towels

And if you don't get the new job?

And if you ever go near Midge again,

And if you pay in advance, your tenth visit is free.

And if you want to be a comic,

And Imogene's not feeling well.

And in high school, I helped raise money

And instead I'm filled with dread and doubts

And intuitive and hysterical, and I think she's gonna be big.

And invite some of your friends

And is enormously respected in her community.

And it could come up occasionally.

And it it's just terrible. Somebody should do something.

And it was cold last night.

And it was crazy.

And it would make everything so much calmer.

And it's always Professor Glickman.

And it's gonna mean more money.

And it's it's, uh...

And it's not just deals and lectures.

And it's not seasonal anymore, it's year round.

And it's pretty, and I thought of you.

And it's so close to the park.

And it's spiteful and vindictive

And it's terrific with your complexion.

And Joel moved in with that girlfriend.

And Joel was usually off to work before he was even up.

And just like that, Joel left, in the middle of the night,

And just like that, three became four.

And just this side of idiot.

And just... just...

And know that Joel moved out. Someone got to them before me.

And last month,

And let her know your marriage is over.

And let me cry and pat me on the back

And Lindsey here whips out his...

And look at us now...

And look what it paid for.

And lose a guitar. Happy?

And may I address the court?

And meet brilliant women, kindred spirits

And Miss Bedetsky is so overloaded

And move on.

And my inflection is different.

And my mother's closest to me.

And my new salary will cover it all.

And my parents' apartment's a wreck.

And never pulled them apart.

And next up in a night full of triumphs,

And next up...

And no one needs a good laugh

And no one wants to celebrate with me?

And no one will ever know that for a brief, shining moment,

And no one will have known he left.

And no one would have stopped me.

And not the IRS? Thank God.

And now he's on television

And now here we are.

And now I am in their ranks.

And now I just look like a Reuben sandwich.

And now I live nowhere.

And now it's all falling apart.

And now my life is a fat, fuzzy peach.

And now that there's no more havoc to wreak,

And now, instead of getting sleep,

And now, Joely, I'm gonna come clean with you,

And now, now I'm thinking, "A," I could have used the money

And now... we got to pay for it.

And once they have entre to our husbands,

And one asked the other, said, "How you like to be fed,

And one of the things he says is, "Trust yourself.

And parking in the city's murder, so...

And Penny will be excited, too.

And people say, "The princess lived in a magic castle

And perfect you are, it's tonight.

And performing without a cabaret license.

And please never ask me what the money's for.

And poten... What are you doing?

And pudding for dessert.

And remember.

And right as she says she's only got a month to live,

And said the craziest thing.

And says "They're up there

And says "Where the hell is the spoon?"

And seen you perform,

And sent him to bed.

And she did not come out looking happy.

And she didn't tell me.

And she doesn't need a William Morris agent

And she goes over to my secretary's apartment

And she had a place to go.

And she is sentenced to time served.

And she lives uptown.

And she says "Moths."

And she says "Ted."

And she says, "Do you want to buy some Girl Scout cookies?"

And she says, "I was there second,"

And she says, "No," and I said, "You bitch!"

And she says, "No," and I said, "You bitch!"

And she thought it was cute

And she turned him away.

And she wants the kids to go to private school?

And she's a hell of a lot easier on the eyes than I am.

And she's all excited about seeing The Music Man next week.

And she's gonna be a star and you are just gonna be that guy

And she's moved me into the kids' room...

And she's not fun. She's sad and embarrassed

And she's one or two of those things.

And she's saying, "You stole him,"

And shut the door, and all I could hear was

And sit in my section, they got to order.

And Sleeping Beauty's screwed.

And smashes into a million pieces.

And so far, it's been young parties, Viv's age.

And so fragrant.

And so I was reading the paper,

And so I will now do our two man show act

And so, the priest says, "The Vatican's full

And so's your mother.

And some chatty broad's gonna know all my shit.

And some really dirty comedy albums.

And some roller skates.

And speaking of vodka, why don't they serve booze here?

And starts yelling at me.

And steal a little kiss for my baby Esther.

And stick two straws up your nose.

And stop right here,

And stuck them in his factory

And suddenly I just wished everybody had the flu.

And suddenly it's like, "You know what?

And suddenly the whole synagogue goes nuts.

And sunshine shone out of my ass.

And take the freight elevator back down.

And take the subway at rush hour, same fucking thing.

And tell all of you that I love this man.

And tell me that men won't think I'm funny

And tell v one, "You know what?

And tells me to do jigsaw puzzles.

And thanks for your time.

And that all sales are subject to the owner's approval?

And that call from this strange person, this "Mrs. Miniver."

And that gives them entre to our husbands.

And that is not acceptable.

And that Joel is traveling for work.

And that line was from a book,

And that means they need to divorce.

And that you have something you'd like to say to the court.

And that's been going on for months.

And that's not just because I'm an only child.

And that's why he didn't eat the soup.

And the apartment is a big piece of that puzzle.

And the cards.

And the coat with a tapered waist. I mean, come on.

And the customer says "Aha."

And the customers, they were hysterical.

And the last name?

And the leaves say this journey will end in peace and happiness.

And the next day, and the day after that

And the nun says...

And the reason it's so funny is because

And the string tie.

And the string tie.

And the turnout... 200 people RSVP,

And the uniform. Picture me in that hat

And the week before that, your mother had rickets?

And the workers start whistling at each other!

And the... the girdles and the corsets,

And the... the string top?

And then Adam... Adam takes my house

And then four shit gigs become six shit gigs.

And then he comes on stage and he's all,

And then I came in here...

And then I heard about you...

And then I'd say, "Randy,

And then I'm gonna hand the mic off to you.

And then I'm heading out.

And then I'm on the clock.

And then one day Cain leaves me for,

And then Randy would say,

And then she passes out, pisses herself,

And then sings "Danny Boy,"

And then slowly work our way down.

And then they talk about the crazy lady

And then those two shit gigs become four shit gigs.

And then v one's dad has to come in and tell her, "No,

And then we can talk about king of comedy.

And then we'll hand out some very nice color coded binders,

And then you came there and then you banged on it

And then you dump 'em if lightning doesn't strike

And then you end it describing a cruise to Istanbul.

And then you schedule a fancy lunch... there's always lunch...

And then...

And there is nothing on her plate.

And there on the front page is a headline:

And there was no place for me to get my hair done.

And there was this pink one with a little collar

And there's a vending machine in the employee break room

And therefore, I humbly apologize

And these, which he gave me.

And they busted his door in, that's how.

And they drop the anchor,

And they got back together, got married,

And they had to create Abe Lincoln.

And they lived happily ever after."

And they made us come back three times.

And they miss you. Yes, I'm I'm very, very sure.

And they told me to come here.

And they will always go together.

And they'll fix it before it's too late.

And they're not dealing with me, and I'm your manager. Right?

And this entire building down.

And this is gonna sound weird...

And this is Rabbi Schneerson.

And this is the moment you decide

And this rug was once owned by George Gershwin.

And this year we got him. We got the rabbi

And this...

And those children need a father.

And those people are not a real audience...

And though I knew that love would be great,

And throw you out the window.

And today he's a salad.

And today, in that temple, in that banquet hall,

And together they can eat lemon wedges for eternity!

And tonight he left

And tonight you show up with this attractive young guy?

And tonight, you are witnessing a very special showcase.

And tonight, you are witnessing a very special showcase.

And took a ride across the Hudson!

And try and peek in the windows. Yes.

And two kids who called him "Daddy."

And unlimited clean jockey shorts?

And up to three months in jail.

And vindictive. And she has a point.

And we are asking that these charges be dismissed.

And we are going forward in a big, aggressive way.

And we had finished playing for the night.

And we need to call the West Coast, give 'em a heads up.

And we saw how that turned out

And we spend time together

And we turn plastic into toys and coasters.

And we, we are all so very proud of you.

And we... spent the night.

And we'll be back in 20.

And well paid, with vacation time.

And what are you gonna wear?

And what color would you recommend

And what exactly was wrong with the words I said?

And what is all this? It's for Ethan's birthday party.

And whatever's in it you get to take home.

And when he woke up, it was a beer garden.

And when I had the audacity to take a bite of a cookie,

And when I say five boroughs...

And when I woke up, I looked like this.

And when Joel comes back, we'll get rid of it,

And where is your son, anyway?

And who are you, to be telling me this?

And who is heckling me?

And who's gonna stop us, huh?

And why didn't they put the stage over there

And why would you think I would bring someone home

And will understand each other's nightmares completely.

And William Holdens and...

And wit.

And yes, our little girl is looking

And yes, there is shrimp in the egg rolls.

And yet apparently it's not the end of the discussion.

And you are gonna have to stop backing away from me

And you are not tired and you are not fucking weak.

And you bring him to me. Yes? Good? Great.

And you built something, you forged your own path.

And you can achieve anything you set your mind to.

And you can achieve anything you set your mind to.

And you can bet if he cost us this loser gig,

And you can forgive...

And you can swing that? Place ain't cheap.

And you did. Welcome to my office.

And you didn't tell me.

And you have not read Dr. Spock? I'm not sure.

And you haven't tried to kill each other yet?

And you just believe them.

And you know her...

And you know that makes my eyes sensitive to light.

And you look at your husband, and he tells you things,

And you realize just how great looking she must've been

And you said yes.

And you sit there for four hours.

And you think... that's plausible.

And you were pushing me to go on.

And you, I mean, I don't know what happened today.

And you...

And you'd run around in those little green pants.

And you'll tell him my name.

And you're here for our elevator operator position?

And you're not doing anything about it.

And you're talking about clothes.

And you've given me every opportunity,

And your dad?

And your name is?

And Zed Lieberman will drone on and on again,

And, "My God, I'd give up pastrami

And, as of today,

And, oh, my God, so much challah.

And, see, tonight our best friends are here...

And, uh, and you suddenly realize you're not?

And, uh, I don't want you to think we're like that,

And, uh, in keeping with this trend,

And, uh, let's hear it for him...

And, uh, there was a story.

And, uh, there's a bed for him

And, yes, our little girl is looking more and more

And, you know, I heard that scraping noise

And, young lady, I heard through the door

And?

And...

And...

And... oh!

Another compadre, Harriet Owens.

Another gorgeous sunshiny day.

Another macaroon, miss?

Another television set?

Antonio, I bought you a black and white.

Any kids?

Any place you can recommend for a quick bite to eat?

Any suggestions? LAWRENCE: There's nothing to do, boss,

Anyhow,

Anyhow, I grab his knife and...

Anyhow, I've helped tons of comics

Anyhow, it was a crazy day at work,

Anyhow, Lolita found out and, boy, was she steamed.

Anyhow, my point is, with the ring came the sex.

Anyhow, the other day I picked up a newspaper

Anyhow, this is, uh,

Anyhow, yesterday she drags her giant vagina into my work

Anyhow...