A little easier.
Ain't nobody doing nothing to no one or body!
All right, fine.
All right, now, dude, you gotta get itβ¦
All right?
All right. The Wet Offensive.
All right. Yeah.
Alpa Chino chinos sold more than five million pairs last spring at the Gap.
Alpa, go help Cody.
Alpa, keep this clown posse down. Come on now.
Alpa!
And by the end of the whole thing, I was like,
And I'm going to make sure because I'm the director.
And Jeff Portnoy are The Fatties: Fart Two.
And they shot us over the wall, and we parachuted down.
And you can call me
Are you the special effects guy?
Big ass titties!
Boomer, this is Wall Eye. I got two Alpha four
Boundaries, man. Fuck.
But like a really cool brother, you know?
But Mama take care of Jack a lot.
But now the question is, can Speedman make audiences happy
But right now,
Come on, we gotta split, man
Come on! Here we go!
Come on! You're Kirk Lazarus.
Congratulations, Fats. You just got us all killed.
Cruising. Sea of Love.
Cut!
Damn.
Dead meat, soldier!
Devil's Advocate. Dog Day Afternoon.
Doing the noodle legs, Damien.
Don't count him out! That bastard's got luck tattooed to his ass!
Don't you worry, Brooklyn.
Eat lead!
Fingers are pointed at rookie director Damien Cockburn,
Flaming Dragon's a heroin manufacturer.
For the third runner up Sexiest Man Alive 1998,
Four Leaf!
Fuck you, Charlie!
Fuck you!
Fuck!
Fucking! Jesus! Dude!
Get him a Diet Coke. Les! It's working!
Get in! Get in!
Go, go, go! Get out of the chopper!
God! I think we were supposed to be doing this,
Guess who I'm staring at right now.
Had to break into the rich girl camp.
He just wants a little face time.
He'll become a naturalist.
He's in a meeting.
He's right, you know.
Here. Okay.
Hey, drink Booty Sweat, baby. Drink Booty Sweat.
Hey, so, if it's no big deal,
Hey, yo, Fats! I ain't seen Four Leaf!
Hey, yo! We gotta get our shit together, Tugg!
How did the crying scene go?
How do you know that?
I ain't got a good brain.
I am Tran.
I believed it.
I copy!
I don't even think we're in Vietnam anymore.
I get excited about my foods, man.
I got a bad feeling on this one there, Fats
I got the TiVo!
I love the pussy, hell, yeah
I love the pussy, hell, yeah
I love the pussy! All right?
I saw Scorcher I 24 times when I was in eighth grade.
I think I can put it back in!
I think it pertains to the journeyβ¦
I will massacre you!
I'll see you tonight, when I go to bed, in my head movies.
I'm awesome.
I'm drinking up your Booty Sweat and busting a nut
I'm gonna fucking do all the heroin in the fucking world.
I'm gonna rip your fucking tits off.
I'm sick of this koala hugging ****** telling meβ¦
I've never been outside the States.
In a weird way, I had to sort of just free myself up
Is action juggernaut Tugg Speedman
It took a whole lot of trying just to get up that hill.
It's justβ¦ It's very political. You have to take out adsβ¦
Jack, stupid ass Jack.
Jacket's on, I'm out the door!
Jeff Portnoy.
Jesus Christ!
Just to be nominatedβ¦
Kwan Lo!
Laz, come on. He joined the circus. Let's go.
Let me off, I gotta puke! I don't wanna die like Hendrix!
Let's go! We got a lot of klicks to cover!
Look at you, man. Playing with grenades.
Look, do me a favor. I don't want to do a countdown before I do the scene
Look, I'm Alpa Chino, okay?
Man, I don't drop character till I done a DVD commentary.
Man, it's a real honor to be hereβ¦
Maybe he's not, you know, Ridley Scott or something,
Maybe y'all heard of me. Y'all heard of Alpa Chino? No?
Me?
Monkey swine!
My farm?
Nights like tonight make a man wonder what it's all about.
No, a panda.
No, I'm telling you, I'm not being crazy. They'll listen to me.
No, it's Kevin.
No, look at his eyes, man.
No!
No!
No! That's my jellybeans! No!
Now,
Oh, fuck. We're dead.
Oh, God.
Oh, right, right. I like you.
Oh, shit
Okay.
Okay.
Okay. Flaming Dragon. Fuckface.
On the back cover of Vanity Fair magazine,
Only one way to find out, dude. Let's go.
Or I'll be on the next NetJet out of here, baby. You feel me?
Or Neil Armstrong.
Pa, why you gotta make me feel bad?
People thought it would come down to
Playing a guy who ain't smart but thinks he is,
Please!
Prop a man up?
Ready to kick the tires and light the fires on your say so.
Real, baby, I'm real.
Really?
Really?
Say it!
Scorcher VI: Global Meltdown.
See, this is the good part, Pecker. This is when the job gets fun
Sergeant Osiris, get your men. Load and lock.
She in heaven now.
Simple Jack sucked ass!
Smoke!
Sorry, man.
Sounds like the dinner bell's ringing.
Speedman was right?
That is not true, you are not a screw up! You make so many people laugh.
That shit ain't funny.
That's a quotation from a children's book I co wrote,
That's for Brooklyn, motherfucker!
That's the signal! Go, go, go, go, go!
That's the trailer right there.
The one man who made a difference five times before,
The one who has lice that none of the other kids want to play with?
The real deep shit.
The straps are cutting off my circulation!
The straps are too tight!
The whole movie?
Then we take those boys up there,
Then you got Tom Hanks, Forrest Gump.
There. All right, you keep six right here.
They got Speedman.
They're busting caps like a motherfucker down there.
This is bullshit! I gotta at least call my fucking assistant.
This is bullshit. I don't wanna be in this shitty movie.
This is the last Christmas I spend with Victor Charlie up my ass!
Time to man up. And I ain't gonna sugarcoat.
Trying to hold his own onscreen with Kirk
Two BET Awards. Alpa Chino.
Want some? Get some!
Watched a lot of retarded people. Spent time with them. Observed them.
We file an insurance claim.
We got ground to cover!
We're fixing to lift off!
We're kind of the same.
Were you crying when your hands blew up?
Weren't no cell phones in '69, man. I'm head to toe legitimate.
What do you mean, βyou peopleβ?
What do you mean? Like not on the same flight?
What the fuck?
What would've happened in The Great Escape
What, man?
What?
What're you talking about?
When you wrote I Love Tha Pussy
Where Hollywood was split into schisms,
Where's the fucking prop guy?
Who, insiders say, can't control a star studded cast,
Would somebody please let me know what the game plan is?
Wow!
Yeah, noodle some crawfish out the paddy, yo.
Yeah, yeah, live it. Yeah, exactly.
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah! Chicka chickaw, baby!
Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah.
Yes, I do!
Yes.
Yo, asshole! This motherfucker's dead!
You are my brother. You are myβ¦ You are myβ¦
You are still my client, Tugg Speedman! I am getting the TiVo!
You call in that snake and nape and get us some boom boom now!
You have no real family.
You know, back before the war broked out,
You land there!
You little piece of shit! I'm gonna fucking rip your wings off!
You O.D'ed!
You on the set?
You pull down their pants and you spank their ass.
You shit the money bed, my friend.
You stick with the program, we get this movie in the can,
You was farting in bathtubs and laughing your ass off.
You're all fucked up, man, you look tired.
You're gonna focus up now, motherfucker, and say it.
You're my brother.
You're tangling me, God damn it!
ββViet Congβ! βWhat?
βCan I have a look at it? βI got it.
βCoast Guard. βSanitation Department.
βCome on! βGet in!
βCome on! βHe's staying?
βCome on! βWait, come back!
βDo you? βNo!
βDoor! βOne, two, three!
βFuck! You've got hands? βCome on!
βHe killed Damien. βBullshit!
βHow's it going? βGood. Yourself?
βI don't wanna be next to you. βWriters lie all the time.
βI sewed them patterns myself, baby. βLet's roll out.
βI think I could've done that better. βI thought it was good.
βI would never do that toβ¦ βJoking.
βI'll handle the map. βOkay.
βNo. No, no, no, no, noβ¦ βAll right, you know what?
βOkay. βAction. Go, come on.
βSweet. βOh, mama!
βWant the map? βYeah, I want the fucking map.
βWell, yeah, I guess you can. βDynamite. I'm out.
βWhat do you mean? βI mean we gotta shave your head
βWhat's your fucking name? βReally? It's Kevin.
βWhen you was the character. βYeah, as Jack, definitely.
βYou make me happy. βMake me happy.
'Cause I left most of my vitamins back at the hotel.
'Cause I'm trying to come up a little, but it's just⦠It's tough.
βScene 12, exterior, jungle clearing, day, ambush.
Γ’ΒΒWhat do we do now? Γ’ΒΒYeah
Γ’ΒΒWhat do you think? Γ’ΒΒJuice them