Bad Moms (2016) Soundboard Edit

Ah!

Airlines and restaurants.

All I did today was, like, rub lotion on my face

All right, okay, let go

ALL: (CHANTING) Amy! Amy! Amy!

Also, my name's Jane.

Amy for president! AMY: Yes!

Amy Mitchell. PTA president.

AMY: Hey, hon, I've got a question for you.

AMY: I'm Amy Mitchell, and I'm a mom.

AMY: Morning, Tessa

AMY: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. (JESSIE PANTING)

AMY: Sweetie, I am so sorry

And go to work?

And I hand searched my son's poo for a pen cap

And I'm really very fragile right now.

And I'm running for PTA president.

And I've been running late ever since

And if you don't learn how to work hard now,

And it is for that reason and the 47 others

And my husband totally Fifty Shaded me this morning.

And poetry readings and class projects...

And why were you looking in my locker anyway?

And you know that I chair the hiring

And you started partying

Are you firing me?

Babe, it's gonna be fine. I'm staying at the Waldorf.

Baby, I'm doing the best that I can.

Baby, it's okay, relax. You will make the soccer team, I promise.

Baby, what happened?

Because I'm your mom,

Because of the way I thought that it had to be

Because they know their dicks are gross.

Braden, nice to meet you, Braden.

But Dale, I'm already running sales for supermarkets,

But I definitely fucked a bald guy

But if you're a bad mom like me

But what are we gonna eat?

But what's really hard is raising kids

But you're gonna actually have to start

Bye, Becky! Shh. Okay, thanks, Carla.

Carla, get her!

CARLA: Oh.

CARLA: Okay, okay, all right. Let's get right down to it.

Come here. Love you

Come on, come on! Very generous

Cool dream, Dale.

Couldn't even splurge for the eight?

Cruising is a movie about a man

Cute backpack you got there.

Does your mom know you're here?

Drink! Drink!

DYLAN: I made a frittata

Every time I think about that big,

Fuck!

Get the fuck out of my house.

God, and they have way too much homework.

God, I'm drowning at work

Great day at school. Love you, Mom

Guys! Guys, guys. Did you hear?

Gwendolyn, what could possibly be wrong?

Gwendolyn.

Hello?

Hey

HEY

Hey, Amy, uh, I'm so sorry,

Hey, I'm Mike.

Hey, lady.

Hey! Hey!

Hey...

HG'! »

Hi, bunny

Hi, Jessie. I really like your clothes.

Hi, there. Hi!

Hi. Meet the Candidate Night tomorrow night, 7:30.

Honey, please, I didn't mean for this

Honey, that is a lot of shit to shove up your cooter.

How about a dollar?

I can see it. Guys, my tits are gettin' up

I can't believe you're making me cook

I can't, uh, do the math right now.

I cannot believe Amy is talking to Jessie Harkness.

I do. But I also need, like, money

I don't know

I don't know!

I don't know. He likes really stiff underwear.

I don't wanna do that. I don't wanna rub my face on it.

I drink margaritas for breakfast

I feel invigorated

I give my kids a Benadryl every Tuesday night

I had a dream last night.

I had no idea. Yeah

I have four kids.

I have lots of work to do.

I have this fantasy that I get into a car crash.

I have to go to the grocery store

I haven't cried since the Cubbies lost it all in '03.

I hope you like it

I know we make fun of them, but fuck, I love them so much.

I know, I know. I'm sorry, I'm late.

I like to start by saying that every marriage is savable.

I love you

I love you. I love you, hon.

I love you. I love you!

I made you lunch today.

I mean, I'm just part time.

I mean, Jesus Christ!

I mean, our kids don't even have time

I mean, who knew that that was even a real thing, you guys?

I mean, yes, no, like yes, sit, please. Yeah.

I promise, I promise to always be here for you

I said, You're holding back

I still can't believe you won. I know!

I think she's perfect.

I wanna cry like a baby.

I wanna work from home two days a week

I want our school to be a place where it's okay to be a bad mom

I was only 20.

I will fight you in the cafeteria

I will give you whatever you want

I would love to, but I can't

I'll drive. She could have a point, yeah.

I'll see you Friday. Okay

I'm doing amazing.

I'm done.

I'm fine. Everything's fine. I'm fine

I'm going to the PTA meeting with my friends

I'm gonna get my tits up

I'm good at these days.

I'm here. I'm here. Amy's here.

I'm pretty sure my brother in law

I'm really glad we did this, Mom.

I'm really sorry about what I did to your daughter

I'm really sorry for how I've been acting lately

If you work this, it's gonna be like...

If you're a perfect mom

In front of everybody in the office right now

Is that Jennifer Noonan peeing behind that car?

Is that... ls that...

Is the fact that your kids are actually nice people.

It happens. Snoop been smokin' since he was five

It was exhausting

It's dope, right? So tight.

It's fine. Don't worry about it. And I'm so embarrassed.

It's not gonna grab itself.

It's the wife that she is and the mother that she is,

It's true. Listen, I got pregnant, we got married.

It's very exciting! Yes!

JANE: We cannot afford this place.

Kiki and I at the movies this afternoon.

Let's take your daddy's special car today.

Like it gets a little tight,

Like just kind of fat and *******,

Listen, um, I wanna talk to you about

Literally anything for them

Look at that! This is your PTA president!

Love you!

Me too. Me three

Mmm.

Mmm. And a shitload of vodka.

My mom kept telling me that we were moving up the street.

My son failed study hall.

Nice to meet you. I like your wedding ring.

No glasses. Everything, fully fucking naked

No, she was just kidding.

No! No, thank you! Take it!

No! No.

No? Okay. Okay.

No.

No. We're not getting divorced right away.

Nope. That was nothing.

Not a big one with fire and explosions, but just like a little one.

Not for long.

Now, I don't have anything nice to say to anyone,

Oh, God, it literally could not get any...

Oh, God, you know, I forgot what it was

Oh, I wanna eat her face.

Oh, I'm so excited. Oh, my God.

Oh, Jesus, you guys, look at the kids.

Oh, look. Free soap.

Oh, mama.

Oh, my God

Oh, my God, that's a giant bush!

Oh, my God, there's a truck!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Hey, my hands were tied

Oh, my...

Oh, no.

Oh, shit. Oh, fun. Kent is calling

Oh, that's so sad.

Oh, the Waldorf's dog friendly, so don't worry.

Oh, this is Amy

Oh, yes!

Oh!

Oh. Mmm.

Okay

Okay, creepy. Let's go.

Okay, she wants us all to be these perfect little Nazi moms

Okay! Great!

Okay? And now I just want you to

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Okay. Oh, my God.

On, my God, you guys

Ooh.

Or eggs or milk or butter or salt or sugar or wheat

PRINCIPAL BURR: Welcome to the annual PTA election

Really?

Right now. Do it right now.

She said, Ooh ooh hoo, Shut up and dance with me!

She said, Shut up and dance with me!

She's a killer.

She's developing an app.

She's doing great. She's a natural.

Shut your face! Oh, my God.

So gross!

So I can watch The Voice

So stop being such a goddamn pussy and make it work!

Sometimes I take the balls and shove 'em up there, too,

Tessa took two weeks off when Jon Snow died on Game of Thrones,

Thanks. Yeah, you been workin' out?

That made any fuckin' sense

That was so awesome!

That's probably something you shouldn't tell your boss.

The company is falling apart without you

Then racing to work where I have meeting,

They're getting up. They're getting up. That's it

This is amazing

This is gonna look so awesome on my college applications.

This is totally mainstream now.

This party is raging.

Three, two, one, go!

Throw it at me,

Ugh.

Ugh.

Uh, Amy?

Uh, we live in Westbury with our kids.

Uh...

Um, I was actually calling to see,

Um...

Um... (CLEARS THROAT)

Unbelievable. I can't...

VICKY: Hey, how's it going?

VICKY: Hi. GWENDOLYN: Hi.

VICKY: This party looks awesome!

Was it okay?

Way to go, bud

We just met, Kiki. Forever.

We'll find something, honey. Don't get discouraged.

We're on our way to a PTA meeting, motherfuckers!

Well, then, what are you doing?

Well, you know what? I do have a little thing for papier maché.

What did I say?

What do I do? Ask him about his hobbies.

What was that... Wow.

What you did back there was amazing.

What, do I just touch it? Oh, I'll show you. Here

What?

What? It was a great party, Am. So, uh...

What? Uh oh.

When did they get so big?

When I forget/don't want to.

When I went into labor and stuff,

Where is she?

Where you can make mistakes, where you can be yourself,

Which is fine. I feel good.

Who are actually decent and kind

Who cares what food people bring

Whoo!

Why can't you make lunch like Dylan's mom?

Why don't I show you?

Without developing some feelings.

Would you like a new PTA president? Me too!

Wow

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah, me too

Yeah, sure. No problem. Okay.

Yeah, what do you bitches wanna see?

Yeah. Go to your kid's baseball games.

Yes, it's... Thank you

Yes!

Yes!

Yes. Hey, ladies.

You have crossed the line, little girl.

You just always acted like everything was so perfect

You just leave your kids all day

You just need two people who are willing to work at it.

You know, it's been awhile since I've done this.

You know, she runs her own dairy farm,

You know..

You psyched for Mandarin class?

You see, what works for my daughter almost never works for my son

You wanna start selling your coffee to hotels, now?

You work at the, uh, coffee company, right?

You'll be okay. I promise you I'm gonna handle this.

You'll finally go to therapy with me?

You're bat shit crazy. Yeah.

You're doing awesome, buddy. You really are.

You're doing great

Your dog has vertigo. That can't be a thing.

Yuck. Okay, that's not my word. I don't like that word

(ALL CHEERING)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES) Thank you

(GASPING AND CHEERING)

(GASPS)

(GASPS) Baby, I'm so proud of you!

(GASPS) Does Dad have a brain tumor?

(GASPS) Oh, my God, are you...

(GASPS) What if I get somebody who's not circumcised?

(GASPS) What?

(GROANING)

(GROANS) on, oh...

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS) This whole Dad thing

(INAUDIBLE)

(INAUDIBLE)

(INDISTINCT MURMURS)

(INDISTINCT)

(KIKI SIGHS)

(KIKI SIGHS)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) I don't know.

(MIKE SIGHS)

(MOUTHING) What the fuck?

(PANTING)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SLURPING)

(STUTTERING) Okay, you see, this is a funny story.

(TIRES SCREECH)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(WHOOPING)

(WOMAN COUGHING)

(WOMEN MURMURING)