2 Broke Girls - Season 5 Edit

A classic good news/bad news situation.

A couple of years ago.

A cult.

A few of the girls and I took up a collection

A goal I've had since I was 11.

A guy is driving a car up a hill and he sees a pig in the road.

A guy left me a half a tuna sandwich as a tip.

A jazzy beat, of course.

A lady who knows what she wants. I like that.

A little bit of the chicken satay, but all good.

A lot of fun stuff to catch up on.

A major rollback on civil rights?

A mildly attractive prostitute at Comic Con

A new low.

A rich couple fighting courtside!

A sort of coming out party.

A tasty tortellini.

A warning dingle.

A warning dingle.

A year, tops.

A, super very a lot.

A...B... C.

About the building in question, including, for some reason,

About the first time I ran away from home.

About this check.

About to accuse a black man of stealing...

According to Netflix, last night I watched

Actually, a little cartoon monkey tells us.

Actually, I really like him,

Actually, I was referencing booming Williamsburg businesses.

Actually, it looks like a precancerous basal cell.

Actually, yes, I am.

Admit it... everyone hates jazz, right?

After being a servant for a few hours,

After I ate that whole brick of cheese.

After last night's date, I need a rebound.

After she lost her tongue, you know...

After they'd had the chicken Parmesan here.

Against my will, but still.

Against the deviants, the divorces,

Against today's politically correct mafia.

Ah, here's $25.

Ah, ladies, ladies.

Ah, white light means it's a go.

Ahh! Well, well, well.

All he talked about is how proud he was of that band.

All I know is if that white girl had started singin',

All I know is, it doesn't mean this.

All of that unprotected sex, and still no baby.

All of them!

All part of the adventure,

All right, but I've been known to miss the cup.

All right, but if we lez out, nobody catch feelings.

All right, can I just come?

All right, come on, let's get out of here

All right, come on, Oleg. I'm ready for my first shot.

All right, Earl.

All right, Eugene, stay where you are.

All right, everybody start throwing some money.

All right, everyone.

All right, everyone.

All right, everyone.

All right, FYI,

All right, he can come.

All right, listen to our latest Yelp reviews.

All right, we gotta get the hell out.

All right, yeah.

All right.

All right. Sorry, ladies.

All the businesses on that block are gonna close.

All the jazz greats sang here.

All the rest of her friends RSVP'd "dead."

All this'll give you is great breasts.

Along the growing waterfront.

Also remind me to get a phone with Siri.

Also, the moving thing just came to and looks mad.

Also, ya ended the game.

Always making friends with the help.

Am I gonna be just some waitress you used to know?

And "God Bless the Child."

And "her" is leaving.

And a better opportunity awaits.

And a lot less annoying?

And a one, and a two, and a three...

And a pine nut had a baby.

And a struggling business

And a thigh gap?

And all my shoes.

And also a douche.

And also completely gone.

And also where it ends for ol' Max and Caroline.

And also, I should tell you,

And as I'm saying this,

And beyond what I thought you were intellectually capable of!

And bring me flowers.

And brush his teeth while he's sleeping?

And by drinks, I mean one PBR each.

And by the way, the fuchsia in your blouse

And came back with your hoops and hair.

And clothes shopping at CVS, then she's real bouncy.

And commissioner, you don't know me,

And Daryl B. was real slow with that water.

And decide to go after mine?

And do not fear.

And don't get in the back of anybody's Isuzu.

And don't say Max stole it,

And don't talk to the neighbors.

And Eugene makes a hell of a pancake breakfast.

And everybody there were so warm and positive.

And everyone lost.

And everywhere in between.

And find out how old John Stamos is.

And fine,

And for you two, pie on the house,

And from the looks of it,

And get the fact that I was totally dissing them.

And go straight to dessert.

And good news!

And he has something to say,

And he slathers butter on my biscuit.

And he wasn't invited to play your anniversary show.

And he's taking that tall right to the bank.

And here comes Mr. Belding.

And here we are on the much traveled

And here's the last of it.

And hide every time we hear someone in the hall?

And his name is Steven Tyler.

And hope for the best.

And how 'bout that hot dog?

And how about our new business labels

And I am very thankful that we could all pull together

And I could meet the doctor who fixes your broken nose!

And I didn't get to draw a mustache on them.

And I don't need it.

And I hate him because that tour never eats

And I just...

And I left my purse there.

And I let him get to know me.

And I lost my cheaters and Oleg's not upstairs.

And I mean every one of you,

And I pulled a glute

And I said, whether I like it or not,

And I should have told you four years ago,

And I thought I was gonna be dead at 14,

And I thought this uniform

And I want the truth.

And I want to order 500 cupcakes.

And I want you to tell me the truth

And I wanted to apologize for the whole mix up.

And I was at a Rolling Stones concert last night.

And I was buying a lotta cocaine.

And I'm about to get it.

And I'm gonna take you now

And I'm guessing a very tense cab ride home.

And I'm guessing cotton oof ya, ees good!

And I'm including the new breakfast restaurant

And I'm not about to try it now.

And I'm not drunk enough for that!

And I'm still not sure how this happened:

And I'm the only one who knows how to get out of here.

And I'm worried.

And I've seen those shoes that have toes.

And if it were so, it would be."

And in case you forget that,

And is Max Black even your real name?

And is this your same sex partner?

And it's not replaceable, unlike you.

And it's spectacular!

And Jennifer Aniston's second nose

And like I've already said twice, Your Honor,

And listen to homeless Barb pitch her screenplay

And maybe change into this paper gown

And my ability to be excited about literally anything?

And my pacemaker on cruise control

And nobody... and I mean nobody...

And not just because I can cheat on him with him.

And now he is.

And now I live in a better part of New Jersey.

And now I'm about to run.

And now she reaches out?

And obviously, we'll pretend that we don't know Caroline.

And of course this would happen here,

And one day, I will try lettuce,

And open the door to them with your eyes.

And other booming businesses opened

And our dentist was in it!

And our dreams.

And phone in this job, too,

And receive the healing vibrations

And recording all your conversations...

And remember,

And she didn't talk about it this much.

And she gets one of those and that was it.

And she has no idea.

And she might have blown it.

And she's not pointing fingers at anyone,

And so it begins!

And still waiting on that agua, Maria.

And take me away with her,

And talk some sense into Ruby,

And thank you, Brother Terry, for that warm introduction

And that one day she'd pick me up

And that Ruby woman

And that someone can do

And that was it; she was out.

And that was the first bus I've been on

And that's how I wound up here,

And that's why I'm blessed.

And that's why I'm blessed.

And that's why I'm blessed.

And that's why we're late to the game,

And that's worth a lot more than money,

And the bad news is...

And The Early Birds are invited to perform

And the metal draining table

And the mystery, and the...

And the only part of me that's transitioning

And the only way..

And the other one already happened...

And the party really goes downhill!

And the rest of the satay just came up

And their free online pornography.

And then I might have to marry someone shorter than me

And then I'm gonna go find an outfit that I can take back.

And then right here is where she'd give me her yearly hug.

And then the pig is in the car...

And then we'd get matching see through body stockings

And then you can watch

And there were no cock fights.

And they are not "the help,"

And they brought Blue Ivy!

And they can see some bushwick right now.

And they look like they get stoned a lot.

And they're freezing me out.

And think all our cupcakes are stuffed with wieners.

And this is Max,

And this is the cash register, where there'll be money someday.

And this is the sprinkle station.

And thus, our seats

And Time Out New York to say it, but...

And today, our family has found two new daughters.

And tomorrow, we need you,

And trust me; it won't be that one.

And wait till we get in the cab?

And we are going to tell them

And we got to get working on the baby body.

And we had a girls' day tomorrow?

And we had such interesting conversations.

And we have a big surprise.

And we won't forget you when we make it big.

And we'd still be closer to the court.

And we'll just continue to have the best luncheon ever.

And we're all working on our team building skills.

And we're having a party tomorrow.

And what about you, ma'am?

And what did he say?

And what the hell is a jazzy beat?

And what's worse is you have to tell her she's lost all hers.

And when he does, Max, don't turn around.

And why are you clenching your knees?

And why does he even have this?

And would you say there's someone holding you back?

And yes, we had kind of a business dream, too,

And you are?

And you are?

And you have no idea how brave I am.

And you have to do it.

And you have to work as a team to get out?

And you have to work as a team to get out.

And you know how much I love money

And you know what that smells like.

And you look perfect here.

And you look..

And you must be..

And you probably also sleep ordered

And you thought it was a cult

And you, don't they have wheelchairs in China?

And you're not part of the team.

And you're one tall drink of yak's milk.

And you're sweatin' to the oldies?

And your closing. Thanks, Caroline.

And your personality at the same time.

And, in honor of those German and Austrian

And, Oleg, I tried the food, and it wasn't gross.

And...

And... and my butt!

And... I'll be right back.

Angel.

Angry mob aside, the good news is

Another big tip. I think it's my smile.

Another insensitive remark,

Another Max is getting plowed on our block?

Any age, there's no coming back from that.

Any samosas in there?

Anymore.

Anyway, break a leg. Or... a heart.

Anyways, my new friends Rachel and Kathy

Apparently you've never met Martha,

Are my heels from day to evening.

Are they stuck?

Are we good?

Are we hiding? Are we fleeing?

Are you okay?

Are you running Wall Street yet?

Around a trash fire, singing doo wop.

As a historic landmark building.

As conductor of the crazy train.

As long as none of it gets on us.

As long as you don't turn around.

As of yesterday, I'm allowed

As we stream live around the world.

Ask anyone at Yale PREP.

Astrid, darling,

Astrid! Oh!

At least Owen's is right out there

At some point, you have to wake up and pee, right?

At table four.

At the end of the day,

At the Ye Olde Williamsburg Watering Hole Restaurant.

At your service.

Attention, everyone.

Attention, everyone.

Aw, Earl, that's too bad.

Aw, that's so disturbing.

Aw, were you holding on to hope?

Aw. [pepper spray fizzes]

Awesome

Ay, yi yi.

B...

Baaaah!

Baaah!

Baaah!

Baaah!

Baaah!

Back into the room

Bad news: they're aggressively protesting your cupcake shop.

Basketball is my favorite sport,

Because Earl would do the same for us if we had any talent

Because I can tell by the size of your pores,

Because I can't afford penicillin

Because I really don't like cream based sauces.

Because like the Sad Hatter said,

Because no reasonable black man

Because of some female impersonator.

Because she lost all her money

Because sometimes when you force things,

Because that's getting older than Randy's accent.

Because there's something wrong with me?

Because they're gross or mean

Becky can dance her some hora.

Becky's an actress.

Bedford Methadone and Drug Clinic?

Bedford Street right in the very heart

Been to every game.

Before he has sex with you.

Before he jumps into bed with you.

Before I tell her she's lost everything.

Before long, we'll be parents.

Before my life came crashing down.

Before she starts to sing again?

Before the night is over, each of you will have a chance

Before the sunrise, our moons will unite.

Before they Velcroed that dead cat to his head.

Before we have sex

Before we start, I need to collect your phones

Before we start.

Begin with a soft...

Behind the screen. Put the suit on over that.

Being rich and yelling at the help.

Bernard, hi. What are you doing here?

Bernard, I really do wish I could give

Bernard, next time, don't hire a child butler.

Bernard, this is Max. She's my roommate.

Bi? Now, those people I don't trust.

Bitch, that door is locked.

Blockbuster Video did?

Blow this out 'cause I worry about fire;

Boner appétit.

Boober.

Boober.

Boom! I just schooled you.

Booth one is all yours.

Booyah!

Both: Hold my hoops!

Boys, y'all know the drill. Vamp! Vamp, boys, vamp.

Breakfast all day at McDonald's.

Bring Max over by the gong.

Bring something to relax you.

Broadway, fashion week,

Broadway.

Brooklyn's my team.

Brother Dan.

Buh bye.

Bunch of rich bitches.

Businesses just like Max's Homemade Cupcakes.

But ain't nothing wrong with a righteous doob.

But baby making is brutal.

But before you go, why don't we discuss this as a group

But I always think that

But I am five cupcakes away

But I assure you you'll wake up feeling refreshed.

But I can't afford...

But I didn't love what I caught.

But I do know something that might make you feel better.

But I don't have to explain my performance piece to you.

But I don't know if that's exactly a woman

But I feel like it's me that just woke up

But I get it.

But I get it.

But I gotta tell you, you really took the cool out of Cool Whip.

But I had a good time. Good night.

But I promised myself

But I thought we wouldn't last a month.

But I was just outside talking to my new friends,

But I wasn't cool with it!

But I'm a little jealous of Earl

But I'm pretty sure he got back on Ruby.

But I've aged since this started

But I've got a hot date with that fine young thing

But if you don't wanna play, we can just go.

But it's come to my attention

But it's not good crystal that makes a life.

But it's still morning.

But it's the right thing to say right now.

But just know your granddaughter

But just make sure he shows up and he is sober.

But Max, I've wanted my own business

But maybe it was a really important one.

But maybe you should manage your expectations.

But mine's got two somethings

But my boobs are really, really sore.

But not tonight.

But one of us...

But seriously, something like a honey mustard

But she usually tells people

But she's awake now and wants to see you.

But thanks for sending the paramedics.

But thanks, girls. It would have been really nice.

But that ain't gonna happen,

But that was just a single dingle.

But that's gonna be a hard "no" from me.

But the house is made of silk and hope.

But then that lady died.

But then we did, and then another month,

But there were actually two Michelles...

But there's one problem: I no longer own a saxophone.

But these people are my family now

But they did come here to help me.

But they paid us.

But this is about so much more than business.

But this used to be America,

But turns out all I needed was Max.

But two wedding albums.

But we are a family!

But we are one hell of a lot more than that!

But what about wanting it to have a delicate chin?

But when it comes to finance,

But when it's down to just resin,

But who wants to be surprised by a little weenie?

But you and I have so much more than that.

But you are not done with this situation.

But you bad mouthing our business

But you can't always get what you want.

But you can't be the first person

But you look really cute right now.

But you screwed me on the rent.

But you would be, too, if you were her.

But you would need a miracle to find that proof in time.

But you wouldn't lend me 25¢ for a latte yesterday?

But you're embarrassed?

But your friend's in a lot of trouble.

But, Max, what about our plans?

But, Sophie, he hasn't even examined you yet.

By another group run by my ex husband, Nancy.

By the way, the piglet's popping the snout out

By the way, you heard I referenced

C'mon, Oleg, I mean nobody can say for sure

Can I borrow those binoculars,

Can I ever get a good roommate?

Can I get a "what what?"

Can I get a high five?

Can I see your tickets?

Can we have a little more class

Can you believe he's telling his entire tour

Can you excuse us for a minute?

Can you just admit it's not a cult?

Can you just let this go?

Can you just smell the money down here?

Can you take this?

Can you?

Can't leave him out there, can we?

Careful.

Careful. Don't get her overexcited.

Carmella, we just lost our lunch table.

Caroline and I were on the cover last week.

Caroline C. from here says,

Caroline is so happy right now.

Caroline reads everything.

Caroline,

Caroline, are you where you want to be in life?

Caroline, cover my tables.

Caroline, do you have any idea who this N.N. could be?

Caroline, how have you been?

Caroline, I found a city website

Caroline, I used to live in Jersey City,

Caroline, I'd like to meet the chef.

Caroline, I'm coming to you next.

Caroline, is there someone in this room

Caroline, literally slow your roll.

Caroline, please tell me you're okay.

Caroline, this sauce is delicious!

Caroline, throw one in there.

Caroline, wanna try again?

Caroline, where are you?

Caroline, why don't you read it?

Caroline, why don't you sit here, and Rachel,

Caroline, you are free to go at any time.

Caroline, you're not really gonna sing the blues.

Caroline, you're sharing a room with me.

Caroline!

Caroline! Let the help do that.

Caroline?

Caroline.

Caroline.

Caroline...

Caroline's kind of the Screech of the group.

Cheeseburger Pringles?

Cheesecake is a fun alternative

Cher hates us too.

Cher, you got me a present?

Chew it too long and it'll go south." Gum.

Chew it too long, and it will go south.

Cleansing you from head to toe

Closer?

Cobb salad.

Coconut mozzarella sticks, but... swing and a miss.

Coffee on his face.

Coleslaw tub. Come alone.

Come alone.

Come close so I can present you

Come closer to me.

Come on up for a hug.

Come on, Caroline. Where's your sense of whimsy?

Come on, let's go to the ladies' room

Come on, Sophie. It's not that bad.

Come on! Let's go steal their seats.

Come on.

Come on. It's not that bad.

Come out of your sad mouth for a change.

Come right into the locker room after the game.

Confuse you with a historic Williamsburg

Correctamundo. [chuckles]

Correction, if I could turn the clock back,

Correction: make that over hard.

Could you direct me to your...

Couple of rats, though.

Crack a window. Smells like Ass trid in here.

Crap! They're coming in here.

Dammit!

Dammit!

Dammit! I should have gone with "Han Golden Pond."

Damn it, yo!

Damn it! I forgot I invited people.

Damn it.

Damn it.

Dannon told me the market was also a front

Dannon, tell them about the windows.

Dannon.

Daryl B. says,

Dear, may I ask you a question?

Did anybody else think that?

Did anything come up for you during the sound bath?

Did I say adventure?

Did you ask that little Korean girl for a raise?

Did you guys see Murray with our curry in a hurry?

Did you just come here to brag?

Did you order curry in a hurry?

Did you order me those shoes?

Did you overcharge him too?

Did you two get bored killing your own business

Didn't you rib a dragon on "Game of Thrones"?

Do either of those NS stand for nachos?

Do I detect a Philadelphia accent?

Do I ever mind?

Do I have to escape from this too?

Do I look like a person with an end game?

Do that again, and I'm gonna squiddly da bop you in the head.

Do you accept nature's credit card?

Do you have a card?

Do you have documented proof of this?

Do you have more teeth than me?

Do you know what E. coli means?

Do you mind closing up? Thanks.

Do you mind?

Do you think anyone would notice

Do you think his thing will unfold?

Do you think our business dream

Do you think you can handle getting to know him?

Do you want a finger?

Do you want to go to the game?

Do you, A... ".

Do you? You're losing this crowd

Does he know we don't have penises?

Does it look like cancer?

Dollars? I could live in India.

Don't be hard on yourself, Han.

Don't be shy. You two girls went up

Don't be too dead to get my new Pop Tarts.

Don't drag me into the middle of Pretty Little Liars.

Don't get her mad.

Don't let this one talk your ear off.

Don't let this one talk your ear off.

Don't look at my screensaver

Don't mind if I don't mind.

Don't mumble, Connie.

Don't waste your Euros.

Don't worry. I'll settle up with Elaine.

Don't you look smashing, Astrid.

Dongs aren't the answer to everything.

Dongs. The answer is dongs.

Doors on the stalls.

Double dingle. Mayday.

Down a flight of stairs every time I have a hunch.

Down at Ruby's,

Down at the Brooklyn Courthouse

Down to the city archives.

During the 1830s, German and Austrian capitalists

Earl better not be dead, or I'll kill him.

Earl is more than just a cashier.

Earl only lives a block away.

Earl will be out in a hot second.

Earl with a couple of 18 year old white girls.

Earl, I know you remember a time

Earl, I thought this would make you happy,

Earl, three months ago,

Earl, wake up.

Earl, you played with Ella Fitzgerald?

Earl!

Earl! I'm so glad you're alive.

Earl...

Earl... we're waiting for you. [chuckles]

Earl's in charge when I'm gone.

Earl's in charge?

Earl's still in the bathroom.

Eh, I'm just talking about a little chick ity chat

Either that, or I've been shot.

Elaine, I thought I needed to make new friends,

Elaine, this is Caroline,

Established their businesses

Even if this guy has a hook for a hand.

Even the sight of one of them can be disturbing

Ever.

Every night this week, I have wept in the arms

Every single time, they just gave me back to my mother.

Everybody calm down, take a beat.

Everybody takes a little off the top.

Everybody, sit down.

Everybody, thank you all for coming out tonight.

Everyone else is listening

Everyone gather 'round.

Everyone, close your eyes and quiet the mind,

Everyone, maybe I can clear this up.

Everyone?

Everything is working out!

Exactamente.

Exactly how old do you think I am?

Exactly.

Except for cashews.

Except IMAXs are supposed to be big.

Except that medical marijuana store.

Except we didn't have an app... or a car.

Excuse me

Excuse me, ladies.

Excuse me, miss, in the drop crotch sweatpants!

Faster than I'm going to lose my diner.

Feel me up, Low bo cop.

Femme looking cupcakes, only to discover

Fibromyalgia and seasonal depression?

Final offer.

Finally, you admit you blew something

Finally.

Fine, I don't care if we never get out.

Fine, I'll go out and buy you another box

Fine, I'm the only one here who knows this story,

Fine; just tell me your safe word, and let's go.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine. This is garbage anyway

Fire hydrant?

First I'll put these in some diner water.

First of all, this is $12,

First say it.

Fish market, opened at that location

Flowers?

Flowers?

Follow along, boys.

Follow me.

For $10,000!

For a real fancy luncheon.

For a whore house.

For as long as I've known Earl,

For closing the diner tonight for this meeting.

For eating outside next to garbage cans.

For example, we're covering for Earl

For future reference, I'm more of a

For lack of a better word.

For me too.

For murdering Earl's girlfriend, but...

For my next job.

For our business.

For shutting your business down the last couple days,

For strong, brutal violence.

For that Porky Pig bong.

For the leader of our family,

For the luncheon you're going to throw me.

For the next three hours.

For the past five years,

For the record, I was filming my business

For this big order for... L?

For wanting more for us than bad seats

Forget it.

Forget this Ye Olde Williamsburg place.

Forgive me.

Founding fathers, here we have our

Fran Drescher's here?

Free speech.

From a sort of "Eyes Wide Shut" situation.

From mentioning your father's scandal

From my old jazz band The Early Birds.

From The Early Birds.

From the opposing side.

From what professional doctors call T.Rex arm.

From you and Janine.

Fun.

Gah!

Gah!

Gah! [clears throat]

Garboni Funeral Home?

Get in the ice bathtub.

Get out

Get out of this?

Get out.

Get up off of that floor!

Gettin' on the good foot doin' the bad thing.

Getting ripped off by my roommate.

Girl talk?

Girl talk.

Girl, you better check yourself!