Welcome To Flatch (2022) - Season 1 Edit

A 5 pound pan, bigger than this one, okay,

A big butt.

A big part of playing Santa is upselling.

A bonsai?

A bunch of jocks beat me up

A bunch of middle finger emojis,

A chokehold you put on a pit bull to make him let go,

A dollar for each of you.

A feast like that!

A flamingo.

A French Bulldog named Sausage.

A ghost is haunting her office.

A gumball machine with a bunch of candies.

A huge opportunity to get on the ground floor of this.

A list of our demands. Me and Levi are unionizing.

A little anxious, but mainly excited.

A little bit easier but just as cool

A little bit every day

A little bit less church y

A little bit more basic just to get us warmed up, okay?

A little bit of a scene,

A lot of these yeah, all the time.

A Men, is in town.

A Men.

A Pirates of the Caribbean marathon

A place that respected art. But I was wrong.

A pupu platter for one.

A real local delicacy.

A side effect of dying, I guess.

A spicy meat stick,

A vaping and magic shop?

A very selfless act.

A whole can of worms,

A whole minute faster than usual.

A wife.

About all the amazing stuff he's done.

About being seen with you, do you?

About eight months ago from Minneapolis, yeah

About four feet tall, blond hair,

About kids digging up holes

About the missing Flatch sign

About what I'm gonna say to Beth.

About your ferns or your cookies

Absolutely not. You're so funny.

According to Chapter 4, Section 22

Actually, hold on.

Actually, my sources say that it happens every single year,

After all, lunch is the most platonic meal of the day,

After he hauled me here.

After Hurricane Bobby blows through?

After I got it from Leotha for Valentine's.

After Kelly and I watched, like,

After my speech, there was a groundswell of votes

After school

After that, I realized that ballet's dumb

After that, we went our separate ways.

After today's debacle no offense

After you swept last year.

Against Kelly

Agh. Agh.

Ah, can you believe?

Ah, damn it, Kelly!

Ah, dude, do we have to deliver

Ah, geez!

Ah, got ya!

Ah, hey. Yeah.

Ah, I should have told you about that hole

Ah, it's so hard to tell these days!

Ah, let's try another one.

Ah, man, come on, all right, okay

Ah, no, they're fine.

Ah, sounded like you did, you know?

Ah, that is correct.

Ah, that's an actual person, wants an actual ride

Ah, yes!

Ah, you know, I I have a headache.

Ah, Your Royal Highness!

Ah! I'm cut in half again!

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah. Very nice.

AKA Horace Mattheson,

AKA, loads of free stuff.

All alone.

All around the world

All green M&M's is a big one.

All green, obviously.

All kinds.

All of my attention to your face?

All right, and you stick your fingers in here.

All right, come on, let's go

All right, everyone with me now!

All right, folks.

All right, I guess I have to go back to selling my body

All right, people. Time to get to work.

All right, Sandra Dee. Calm down.

All right, so, first off,

All right, y'all, come on, circle up.

All right!

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. I'm done

All right. Love you. Good night.

All right. Nice work, Mandy. That's right

All right. This looks great, Kel.

All righty, ma'am. That will be $15

All she had was me.

All she had was the paper.

All that's missing is a vehicle to exploit with

All the cherry wine coolers!

All the details of today, okay?

All the good deeds I've been doing.

All the way down there, long driveway.

All this equipment?

All three of her husbands were poisoned

All we need is $100 and we'll be walking like the Hawk King

All we need is a sales force of Sheroes

ALL: ♪ Highway

ALL: ♪ It's a hard knock life for us ♪

ALL: ♪ Yahweh

ALL: DWI!

All: Oh!

All: Ooh!

ALL: Sing a song!

ALL: Three, two, one!

Allegedly. That's why she was alone.

Almost completely alone, okay?

Almost knocked off Colin's scare 'fro

Almost there. Time for the unveiling

Almost.

Already headed to our second call

Also this is mine now

Also to mess with people's radio presets.

Also with you.

Also, Chantal keeps chewing on her toes

Also, Cheryl did some digging, and it turns out

Also, everyone, sell the crap outta that sad tree, okay?

Also, he loved the ribs, so I nailed that.

Also, he pees in a gallon Sprite bottle

Also, I figured out a way to ride the buffer around.

Also, I have no change

Also, I learned something about myself.

Also, I need to get Beth a super dope gift

Also, I'm not good at keeping secrets.

Also, if you get a tattoo of a taco, you get half off.

Also, let's not forget,

Also, my Aunt Lola's marriage only lasted, like, four months,

Also, my battery died.

Also, my osteoarthritis is acting up.

Also, no eating the candy canes.

Also, real shoes

Also, she was, like, homeschooled,

Also, she's literally

Also, there's sentimental value there, so 20 bucks

Also, we shut down in the summer

Also, we went paper on the bags,

Although she is out of town this week.

Although this could be a great chance for you

Always stick with the funny, unassuming guy.

Am I right, uh, fellas?

An amazing career, and a geriatric uterus.

An extra fortune cookie on any order over 20 bucks."

An honest day's work in your life.

An injury to his right leg.

An order of spring rolls, and some fried rice, please.

An original

And a baby sister.

And a box of Legos

And a chocolate cake for dessert.

And a huge, giant bottle of champagne had a baby.

And a little bit more sexy.

And a lizard and

And a mind too. A powerful one.

And a moped out of him?

And a one, two

And a rascal of a "Game of Thrones" slot machine

And a squeegee should be illegal.

And a stolen car

And abracadabra!

And all my elves quit on me.

And all their kids were, like, born in their barn

And also diet pop.

And also his nan told me.

And also replace the bumper on Father Joe's car

And also, I think a little friendly competition

And always got the lead solo dance

And anyone who deals with them.

And as a reward he gave me $200

And as far as Kelly goes,

And bathroom breaks

And be home by five, sharp.

And because he had hemophilia,

And believe me, not easy.

And besides, great stories are hard to come by.

And besides, if I hadn't moved to Flatch,

And couldn't make it.

And dating or whatever, so I never see them anymore

And didn't take it and now she regrets it?

And do some hand to hand combat.

And doesn't have a nose anymore?

And don't act like you don't know that

And don't come back!

And don't get me started on her invasive sumac

And each one, I'm not even kidding,

And et tu, Mandy? Et tu?

And even though Shrub and Kelly are always razzing him,

And even you don't even care that I'm dying.

And everyone votes for which one's best

And everyone's gonna wear a hat

And everything else cleared out

And fake dying kids.

And for all your hard work, I have something for you.

And for my final trick,

And for the fight.

And frankly, I'm blown away by your talent.

And frankly, I'm into it.

And free hot chocolate.

And good with his hands.

And got seven good people of Flatch to join me.

And gross. (chuckles)

And guess what I get to do. Huh?

And guess what?

And guess who I got?

And he ends up right here, it turns out,

And he met a lovely woman.

And he said that I wasn't gonna amount to anything,

And he says he can smell my presence.

And he sold my pig for 50 bucks!

And he still brags about it to this day.

And he's a Tiger King, okay?

And he's not really my boyfriend.

And he's offering the baby fish?

And he's, like, a good guy,

And his was pretty much, like,

And honestly, it's real uncomfortable.

And how can you be so naive?

And how do you expect me to read a book?

And I accepted.

And I actually recently started dating someone else.

And I am not talking

And I am really...well, not.

And I appreciate their honesty.

And I bet they think they're so funny,

And I can show you some better moves you can use?

And I can't believe you missed it

And I don't even know what that is, but the pudding part

And I don't want anything to distract from it.

And I don't want to buy another pair

And I got something for you too.

And I got that spaghetti dinner in an hour,

And I got you,

And I have been stuck in it all day.

And I have my eye on a Hot Doggie Deluxe.

And I helped him build his fence.

And I just can't seem to do it

And I just can't with him.

And I just thought I'll have some fun.

And I know I look hot in it.

And I know my way around an axe.

And I know Shrub's in love with her

And I know them all.

And I literally caught you red handed.

And I love I love you guys.

And I love the paper, probably as much as you did.

And I need a present and my art supplies

And I need in on your Wi Fi.

And I need your help

And I never even met my dad.

And I paid 15 stupid dollars, all I had, and it did nothing.

And I saw a naked lady, which was pretty cool.

And I say, "Do what?" (chuckles)

And I started to harness my own feminine power

And I still don't have my sermon yet,

And I think he might want to ask me out

And I think that dance is good for their body and their soul

And I think that he is officially gonna ask me

And I think that's just too explosive for me.

And I think we all know what that means

And I thought you might be willing to volunteer.

And I want to be a Lil Mama.

And I was everything but...

And I was like, "No, no. We need to honor this animal.

And I was like, "Oh, hell no.

And I was worried

And I will not grow in any way.

And I would never do anything to get in the way of that,

And I'll loan you this for the night, huh?

And I'm a little anxious right now, so lots of things

And I'm getting paid! Money!

And I'm not even dying, you guys.

And I'm not gonna learn anything.

And I'm not gonna take any of this disrespect anymore.

And I'm okay with that.

And I'm your first choice.

And I've come to expose the evil corporation,

And if I need it, you have to bring it right back

And if the gown still fits,

And if you don't have cash, you can always donate

And if you have to find that on the Internet or one town over,

And if you say Len, it doesn't count

And in fact, I'm going to interview him

And in return, he gave me this puppy.

And it didn't end great.

And it didn't work out.

And it is because you are such a caring person, Joe,

And it is someone in Pockton

And it leaves no footprint in my place.

And it really connected my physical with my spiritual

And it seems like you're looking

And it turns out it's all because of you two

And it turns out, I got her. She's making me

And it turns out, I have enough money

And it was dumb.

And it was nice of you

And it, like, totally scarred him

And it's a privilege to offer opportunities

And it's never too late.

And it's not because we've, like,

And it's really freaking me out.

And it's sweet that I'm your second choice.

And Jimmy is nominated for his takedown

And juices and stuff.

And just see my disability.

And just, like, tell him where to find them?

And Kelly was always put in the back row

And kick these pieces of deer into the ditch."

And last year, someone gave birth to twins

And let's just get better at knowing my needs a little bit

And let's see, well, then we get into emoji combinations,

And locking me out of my own phone.

And lost and found items for a dollar.

And made it into a spaghetti fundraiser for you

And made this

And make a name for myself,

And make it to Merwins in the morning.

And make sure that Kelly's birthday is still super fun.

And Mattheson was missing his right eye

And maybe I can teach you a few more sales techniques.

And Mickey.

And more because of the free wine.

And Mr. Reid picked me up. He filled my tank.

And my art come first.

And my cousin rocks

And my fantasy girl

And my guinea pig back. How about that?

And my head said, "Go."

And my legs are frickin' purple.

And my new friend, Mandy,

And my sense of adventure elsewhere.

And my sexy charm, you know?

And no color. How dumb is that?

And normal people close the door

And not in a good way, either.

And now Fargas is driving a bus,

And now that that's done,

And now we have Kelly Mallet

And now with the help of my assistant,

And nursed it back to health and then kept it as a pet.

And offensive stereotype.

And one way doesn't even use heat.

And owns zero cardigans if they're a woman,

And people who, like, appreciate my artistry.

And playing video games.

And poor Cheryl, she's the one with the sprained ankle

And remove some documents that I don't need anymore.

And rising

And rotate.

And scarves.

And secure its future

And see where the afternoon takes us?

And see, that's the type of wit that scares 'em off!

And seeing as this is my fault,

And set me up with a reasonable auto loan!

And set me up with a reasonable auto loan.

And set me up with a reasonable auto loan.

And she did drink most of it.

And she didn't talk to me for two days, so...

And she got, like, so loaded, and

And she had to buy it back, so me going off to college

And she just never did achieve anything at all

And she needs juice for that.

And she said I could help.

And she was like, "Oh, no, we have to keep going.

And she will fall for it every single time.

And she won't respond

And she, uh, she went out to celebrate

And she'd have to break up with me.

And shoot Cheryl out of it."

And Shrub and I wear the exact same size shoe,

And Shrub inhales those

And Shrub is my bro. So bro code, but still

And since I'm always trying to improve myself,

And so I did.

And so I hired Blind Billy.

And so I said, "That's your byline?

And so Kelly tried to top her,

And so the more fun and winding I can make the trip

And some new d****s.

And someone, to like, to hold your place.

And sometimes cases of chips will just show up at her house.

And spiritual expression

And starting today, the book club is cancelled.

And tell him the juice was kind of a scam.

And tell me,

And thank you for flying Mallet Air, exclusive airline

And thank you for flying Mallet Air.

And thanks to Shrub, Len got on a dating website,

And that "BDSM" does not stand for "Beef Dinner Small Meals."

And that can be intimidating

And that didn't work out either.

And that green stuff is a scam. It's a pyramid scheme.

And that guinea pig died nine years ago of old age.

And that little elephant they taught to paint

And that reason wasn't stinky fish.

And that thing is smaller than some of my closets.

And that. (laughs)

And that's a nut allergy time bomb.

And that's just pretty complicated stuff.

And that's just since I got here.

And that's kind of literally my only job.

And that's me.

And that's not even a scarecrow

And that's not my jam.

And that's what we did.

And that's when Mom started staying in bed, but...

And the best part of this whole thing:

And the history of the royal family

And the kids actually booed me when I left.

And the new baby, so he promoted me to Santa.

And the next closest girl was in Indiana

And the Norma stands for "not normal at all

And the other one keeps writing him letters.

And the Satan worshipper who runs it out of town!

And the second half is hollowed out with her passport in it.

And the shirt?

And the testing guy

And the third thing is proprietary

And their heads grew to the size of watermelons.

And then also, you can take bribes

And then before you know it,

And then do something to seriously bum her out,

And then eighth grade,

And then everybody votes.

And then guess who has to pick up the pieces

And then he married Nadine

And then he told me he loved me for the first time.

And then here you go.

And then I discovered Energize Her products,

And then I get super emotional all over your sorry ass

And then I'm going to jet on up to Sandusky for Ohio Bike Week.

And then I'm gonna

And then probably, like, a thousand slushies, so..

And then she forgot to take her pills

And then the pig followed him to his car

And then they just take it away like it never happened?

And then we can get started

And then you come over here,

And then you take each one back when I finish.

And then you would put Cheetos on the side of your plate,

And there are, like, a lot of possums under there.

And there's something else too...

And there's the routing number.

And they adore me, and I love the praise.

And they settled down for a while.

And they start wrestling, and Joe rips off

And they used to date

And they're from all over, like, Wisconsin.

And they're not, and you know why?

And they've gotten a lot better in their cursing too

And this juice is actually really tasty.

And this moped that he had lying around.

And this right here is Banana rama.

And this way we keep the proceeds,

And those are not for you. Those are for my dad.

And those sandal things

And to think, Shrub almost completely ruined it.

And tossing the beach ball around.

And try some sales tomorrow. How about that?

And uh, my sermon is already done,

And watch me blow out a candle,

And watch the plane fly over the Atlantic?

And we can talk about it.

And we deserve some damn attention

And we just sit there. And she's in pain, okay?

And we love Len.

And we used frozen

And we were maybe escorted off property.

And we will be in touch with you, Marlene.

And we worry that you push yourself so hard

And we'll be in Cincinnati when you wake up.

And we'll throw it away for you for free.

And we're gonna film that reunion with Father Joe.

And we're having family dinner tonight,

And we're there.

And we've all moved beyond such a simple

And when a female run tattoo removal shop opens,

And when that many people depend on you,

And when you do, you just you be honest with your feelings.

And why are you limping on the wrong leg?

And with this Beth situation, I literally am about to bust.

And wood gathering was Private Emerson's job.

And y'all pick lousy books.

And yeah, big deal, I didn't shave my legs,

And you and your friends go in there and muck it all up

And you are looking at the winner

And you both Giardia.

And you can visit anytime.

And you can't compete with God

And you chuck it as far as you possibly can

And you could just see Julius fuming.

And you don't look like Santa either.

And you get all excited,

And you have to eat the tickets

And you have to just go after what you want.

And you haven't filled out any of them.

And you know no one else with a car?

And you know what, I bet if y'all try some of our products,

And you know what, if I have to wear this cat bell

And you know what?

And you need a human shield

And you need to protect yourself.

And you said no

And you should just give up on me like everybody else.

And you stole money from the wallet and you bought a moped?

And you teach from your heart

And you think you're Bob Vila. Turns out, I'm not.

And you'd be like, "Now, that's a vegetable I can get behind."

And you'll pay me for that?

And you're just an inconvenience.

And you're not from Spain!

And your lips.

And your wheelie bag is broken.

And, clearly, I need all the advertising help I can get.

And, for some reason, that was the night

And, honestly, I want to be a part of it,

And, I don't know,

And, like, 15 posts about how much he loves green juice.

And, like, a lot of people want it, FYI, okay?

And, like, a super cool skull

And, like, didn't know who Oprah was until two years ago

And, like, if you did it, like,

And, like, it's, like, not, 'cause I love

And, like, throwing pens in their faces,

And, man, we had so much fun today.

And, obviously, I'm aware that that is a dated reference,

And, uh, it very well may be the case

And, um, you know, I got my own newspaper

And...

And...action.

Angry?

Animals out of napkins?

ANNOUNCER: And the winner

Another one of these scams?

Another riddle

Anyone annoying can't work here.

Anyone care to guess what this majestic creature is?

Anything new in Cheryl's world?

Anyway, back to the pothole. Can you give me

Anyway, I took the Christmas tree star

Anyway, it's my job to protect it

Anyway, she's going to do a free presentation

Anyway, the bank headquarters is in Nigeria,

Anyway. There's been something going on with my lights.

Anyways, about a year ago,

Anyways, all in favor

Anyways, thanks to Cheryl, I kicked it.

Anyways, they're all pretty lame.

Apparently the app just ups your time

Apparently, if you live in Flatch,

Are floating down from the airplanes?

Are going to get dirty again when they leave here.

Are on the same day.

Are spent listening to people complain.

Are staggered every two hours, heard?

Are supposed to be on a date!

Are the ones you cannot see.

Are we gonna need some more performance reviews, people?

Are we talking about Cynthia?

Are you familiar with the concept of vaping?

Are you going under the speed limit right now?

Are you gonna pick it up?

Are you jealous?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me? We had a pizza deal.

Are you kidding? I would love to hang out today.

Are you making a porno?

Are you not able to bend?

Are you okay?

Are you ready?

Are you seriously kidding me right now, Dylan?

Are you sure? Because I do not want

Are you talking about your genitals?

Are you talking to me or Horace right now?

Are you the crew that's filming that movie about us?

Are you?

Aren't you just the sweetest thing?

Aren't you the editor of the Pockton Gazette?

Arm wrestling, karaoke contests,

Around the perimeter of Flatch.

As a female running a small business,

As a robot scarecrow! There are no crows in space!

As a thank you, we want to give you this pen on us, okay?

As Cosmopolitan Yogurt

As minister salesperson confidentiality,

As payback for our town stealing your sign.

As you can see, there's a new gorgeous Santa in town.

Assistant?

At an Indian casino outside of Toledo.

At least one boat.

At the Christmas Tree Farm.

At the home this Friday.

At the same hospital, so ever since we were babies,

At this point, we're gonna turn off the main cabin lights.

Atención.

Aw, [bleep].

Aw, boo!

Away my look to the audience before I go on.

Away while I check my emails.

Awesome. [bleep], [bleep]. I'm good.

Awkward.

B, there's a trophy

Back at ya, professor. Yeah, you stay strong too

Back to the Mallet family where it belongs

Bad miscalculation

Bag of pop rocks here. Boom, party of one, mind blown

Based on the whistle.

Basically, Nadine was the best in class

Basically, they just wanted you to run next to a car for miles,

Basically, you put a dollar in it,

Be cool, be cool, be cool, be cool

Be safe

Beating up the bad guys,

Because bro code,

Because donuts turn into energy,

Because he said he was a hard worker

Because he's had a thing against me since I was five.

Because I you could put me anywhere.

Because I actually started selling a shake that was

Because I do, I really do.

Because I got a job.

Because I have a date with Jimmy again.

Because I never technically worked here.

Because I read in this alternative medicine blog

Because I totally wasted my life.

Because I was so light on my feet

Because I'ma tell you right now,

Because I've had enough!

Because if you're gonna uproot your life for love,

Because it looks like a drawing of you riding a dragon.

Because it's an original that I wrote

Because it's small

Because it's the only water

Because Murray told me that girls go crazy

Because my mom left me here with my nan when I was a baby,

Because my pits get cold.

Because now during Parney Auto Mall's No Credit, Bad Credit

Because now, during Parney Auto Mall's...

Because of how they're always together.

Because people aren't getting the nuances, clearly.

Because people don't know how to look where they walk.

Because royals always wear hats at parties

Because she barely talks.

Because that's the language of love.

Because there is nothing more rewarding

Because there's no hay in it

Because they mostly inspire worry.

Because Uncle Bobby comes in and out of her life

Because we actually tried pretty hard.

Because we got rid of all his magic stuff.

Because we're starring

Because you're not dying?

Because you're not even mature enough to be in a relationship.

Because you're the one who gave me the wrong, crappy location

Because, at town events, unfortunately,

Because, like, I've been hanging out with Beth for,

Because, you know, for just $25,

Because, you know, it's the dress.

Becomes your girlfriend?

Before I joined the Energize Her family,

Before it gets dark.

Before the real work happens tomorrow on Sunday.

Before today, I hadn't cleaned anything

Before we broke up.

Begging your way back into my school?

Being a young adult these days

Being there for your people in their time of need,

Believe it or not, in second grade,

Besides, you're one to talk about relationships.

Bessie has learned how to find recipes online

Best birthday ever.

Beth

Beth has a date with someone on Friday.

Beth is a complicated and fascinating creature

Beth is gonna fall hard,

Beth is gonna see me wearing this in my suit?

Beth is gonna want me so bad now

Beth is so hot

Beth told me about the class

Beth, can I talk to you in the kitchen?

BETH: Oh, I didn't think you'd wanna come

BETH: Should she stretch it that much?

Beth? W what's up?

Beth.

Beth...

Beth's food issues are so cute.

Beth's parents full on think the government's out

Beth's the bomb, dude.

Betrayed

Better get on the cleaning turnover, Kel.

Better love me!

Better moves?

Between a pair of orthopedic nurses' shoes

Big ass failure.

Big guy, I'm promoting you to head elf.

Big Mandy and Levi,

BIG MANDY: That girl's not right.

Big Mandy's a lot

Big meatloaf dinner fundraiser

Big misunderstanding.

Big Stuff Friday is the best.

Big Stuff Friday was great.

Big Stuff Friday's, like, our busy time right now.

Bigger is not always better.

Billions. Yeah, well, guess what

BILLY: It's important to me that people don't look at me

Binghoffer, your secret Santa

Bit of a change, you know. Big responsibility

Blind Billy here just canceled book club.

Blind Billy is now free to roam

Blowing my rent money on coconut flavored rum

BOBBY: Hey, Kel.

BOBBY: Ho ho ho.

BOBBY: I'll be the judge of that.

BOBBY: Jessie's just making stuff up again.

BOBBY: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Bangkok,

BOBBY: Yeah, I would know those boobs anywhere.

Bombs are bad.

Boom, boom, boom, boom.

Boom.

Boom.

Bored? No, no, not at all.

Boss Bitch in the making, and it was all one customer?

Boss bitch super hero, and I'm a little version of her.

BOTH: ♪ And the land we belong to is grand ♪

BOTH: ♪ Naked Lady Day, Naked Lady Day ♪

BOTH: ♪ We know we belong to the land ♪