Main Content
Sound Added to Your Favorites Soundboard
Sound added

Log in or create an account to save your favorites, or they'll expire in 4 hours

Error Adding Sound
Error adding sound to your favorites.
Sound Reported
Sound reported and our moderators will review it shortly.
Error Reporting Sound
Error reporting sound. Please use the Contact page.
297 4,917
Donald Trump Tells Clean Jokes Donald Trump tells hundreds of clean jokes on this .

Donald Trump Tells Clean Jokes

Donald Trump tells hundreds of clean jokes on this soundboard.

A Bagpiper, a Kangeroo, an Irish poet, and Mother Theresa walk into a bar . . . . . . . the barman, who was drying a glass, lifted his head and asked, "Is this some kind of joke?"
A Bagpiper, a Kangeroo, an Irish poet, and Mother Theresa walk into a bar . . . . . . . the barman, who was drying a glass, lifted his head and asked, "Is this some kind of joke?"
A bear and a rabbit are pooping in the woods The bear asks the rabbit "do you have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?" "Nope" So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit.
A bear and a rabbit are pooping in the woods The bear asks the rabbit "do you have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?" "Nope" So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit.
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a door. And a staircase. I don't think hes alright now.
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a door. And a staircase. I don't think hes alright now.
A broom only likes one brand of comedy. Dustpan.
A broom only likes one brand of comedy. Dustpan.
A classic: what do you call somebody with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
A classic: what do you call somebody with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
A cow fell off a truck in Russia Apparently he hadn't been Put in properly.
A cow fell off a truck in Russia Apparently he hadn't been Put in properly.
A disability, a curse word and a radical interpretation of scripture walk into a bar nothing happened welcome to /r/cleanjokes
A disability, a curse word and a radical interpretation of scripture walk into a bar nothing happened welcome to /r/cleanjokes
A dog with only 3 legs walks into a saloon in the Old West He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A dog with only 3 legs walks into a saloon in the Old West He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A farmer in (x town) who rolled over a cart of horse manure... Is reported in "stable condition."
A farmer in (x town) who rolled over a cart of horse manure... Is reported in "stable condition."
A frog decided to trace his genealogy one day... He discovered he was a tad Polish.
A frog decided to trace his genealogy one day... He discovered he was a tad Polish.
A funny bird is the pelican His beak can hold more than his belly can He can hold in his beak Enough for a week And I don't know how the heck he can!
A funny bird is the pelican His beak can hold more than his belly can He can hold in his beak Enough for a week And I don't know how the heck he can!
A guy walks into a bar Ouch
A guy walks into a bar Ouch
A horse walks into a bar, orders a beer. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" And the horse answers, "They've started a round of layoffs at the plant."
A horse walks into a bar, orders a beer. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" And the horse answers, "They've started a round of layoffs at the plant."
A long joke jooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooke
A long joke jooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooke
A man enters a store and asks for a color printer, the cashier asks "What color?"
A man enters a store and asks for a color printer, the cashier asks "What color?"
A man once thought he'd discovered a new primary color but it proved to be merely a pigment of his imagination.
A man once thought he'd discovered a new primary color but it proved to be merely a pigment of his imagination.
A man started to throw words beginning with 'th' at me I dodge this, then and there but I didn't see that coming Tim Vine
A man started to throw words beginning with 'th' at me I dodge this, then and there but I didn't see that coming Tim Vine
A man walked into a doctor's office . . . He said to the doctor: "I've hurt my arm in several places." The doctor said: "Well don't go there any more."
A man walked into a doctor's office . . . He said to the doctor: "I've hurt my arm in several places." The doctor said: "Well don't go there any more."
A man walks into a bar... He says "Ow"
A man walks into a bar... He says "Ow"
A man walks into a fancy dress party carrying a woman on his back... The host asks the man why this is so. "Oh, I'm a tortoise and this is Michelle" says the man.
A man walks into a fancy dress party carrying a woman on his back... The host asks the man why this is so. "Oh, I'm a tortoise and this is Michelle" says the man.
A man walks into an apple store and...... farts every one is really angry and there all shouting so he says it's not my fault you don't have windows
A man walks into an apple store and...... farts every one is really angry and there all shouting so he says it's not my fault you don't have windows
A man wanted to name his son a very long name... ...so he named him Miles
A man wanted to name his son a very long name... ...so he named him Miles
A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today... ...while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today... ...while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
A mathematician was constipated, how did he solve his problem? He worked it out with a pencil and paper.
A mathematician was constipated, how did he solve his problem? He worked it out with a pencil and paper.
A pair of mittens says to a hat, "I'll stay here, you go on a head"
A pair of mittens says to a hat, "I'll stay here, you go on a head"
A penguin walks into a bar... He goes up to the barman and says, "Have you seen my father in here today?" The barman says, "I don't know, what does he look like?"
A penguin walks into a bar... He goes up to the barman and says, "Have you seen my father in here today?" The barman says, "I don't know, what does he look like?"
A photon checks into a hotel... The bellhop asks him if he has any luggage and the photon replies "No. I'm travelling light."
A photon checks into a hotel... The bellhop asks him if he has any luggage and the photon replies "No. I'm travelling light."
A photon walks into a hotel. The bellhop asks if he needs help with his bags. The photon says, "no, I'm travelling light. "
A photon walks into a hotel. The bellhop asks if he needs help with his bags. The photon says, "no, I'm travelling light. "
A platypus went into a hotel owned by a duck.. ..A platypus went into a hotel owned by a duck. Platypus ate food. Duck billed platypus
A platypus went into a hotel owned by a duck.. ..A platypus went into a hotel owned by a duck. Platypus ate food. Duck billed platypus
A poem for Valentine's day Roses are red Poppies are red The grass is red Oh no my yard is on fire
A poem for Valentine's day Roses are red Poppies are red The grass is red Oh no my yard is on fire
A Polar Bear walks into a cafe He says, "I'll have a burger and.... a coke." The waitress says, "Okay. But, why the long pause?" The bear says, "I don't know. I was born with them."
A Polar Bear walks into a cafe He says, "I'll have a burger and.... a coke." The waitress says, "Okay. But, why the long pause?" The bear says, "I don't know. I was born with them."
A police officer bought a robot this robot was fueled by sodium and alkaline, but could only hold enough for 24 hours at a time. so every morning he had to charge it with a salt and battery.
A police officer bought a robot this robot was fueled by sodium and alkaline, but could only hold enough for 24 hours at a time. so every morning he had to charge it with a salt and battery.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar... ...and the bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar... ...and the bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"
A red ship and a blue ship crashed on an island together the survivors were marooned.
A red ship and a blue ship crashed on an island together the survivors were marooned.
A sad can goes to get recycled. He was soda pressed.
A sad can goes to get recycled. He was soda pressed.
A sentence and a phrase is arguing, what did the sentence say? I know where you're coming from this phrase, but I can't see your point.
A sentence and a phrase is arguing, what did the sentence say? I know where you're coming from this phrase, but I can't see your point.
A Siri joke!: Two iPhones walk into a bar... ...Carrying a set of iPod shuffles. The bartender says: > Let those iPods sing, man! He was an iSurfer on iPad mini.
A Siri joke!: Two iPhones walk into a bar... ...Carrying a set of iPod shuffles. The bartender says: > Let those iPods sing, man! He was an iSurfer on iPad mini.
A skeleton walks into a bar orders a beer and a mop.
A skeleton walks into a bar orders a beer and a mop.
A skeleton walks into a bar The bartender says, what will you have? Skeleton says, a beer... and a mop
A skeleton walks into a bar The bartender says, what will you have? Skeleton says, a beer... and a mop
A skeleton walks into a bar... Asks for a beer and a mop.
A skeleton walks into a bar... Asks for a beer and a mop.
A skelleton goes to the bar and says "Can I have a pint and a mop..."
A skelleton goes to the bar and says "Can I have a pint and a mop..."
A stamp collector walks into a bar... He walks up to the hostess and says, "You're more beautiful than any stamp in my collection" She replied, "Philately will get you nowhere."
A stamp collector walks into a bar... He walks up to the hostess and says, "You're more beautiful than any stamp in my collection" She replied, "Philately will get you nowhere."
A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence... "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence... "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
A termite walks into a bar... And asks the nearest person "Hey, is the bar tender here?"
A termite walks into a bar... And asks the nearest person "Hey, is the bar tender here?"
A termite walks into a pub And asks "where's the bar tender?"
A termite walks into a pub And asks "where's the bar tender?"
A Thanksgiving Joke What did the turkey say about the television program from the 1950s? There's a little bit too much grayvy.
A Thanksgiving Joke What did the turkey say about the television program from the 1950s? There's a little bit too much grayvy.
A vampire stopped coming to my nightly poker games. All I said was that he made too many mistakes...
A vampire stopped coming to my nightly poker games. All I said was that he made too many mistakes...
A woman files for divorce from her husband... citing that he makes too many Star Wars puns. When asked if this is true the husband says, "Divorce is strong with this one."
A woman files for divorce from her husband... citing that he makes too many Star Wars puns. When asked if this is true the husband says, "Divorce is strong with this one."
A WWII Joke! What did the German Shepherd say at his Nuremberg trial? "I was just following odors."
A WWII Joke! What did the German Shepherd say at his Nuremberg trial? "I was just following odors."
Accidental Seafood I tried dolphin once...but not on porpoise.
Accidental Seafood I tried dolphin once...but not on porpoise.
Actually, there are but two types of people Those who can extrapolate from limited data ...
Actually, there are but two types of people Those who can extrapolate from limited data ...
After watching a strongman competition... it amazed me to see how much the human body can lift without pooing itself.
After watching a strongman competition... it amazed me to see how much the human body can lift without pooing itself.
All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh... But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.
All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh... But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.
Almonds on the tree; Amonds off the tree cause to get them off the tree you hafta shake the "L" out of them!
Almonds on the tree; Amonds off the tree cause to get them off the tree you hafta shake the "L" out of them!
Alrighty Kids always remember: you are what you eat So eat loads of sweets and pass on those vegetables
Alrighty Kids always remember: you are what you eat So eat loads of sweets and pass on those vegetables
Always put sunglasses on your tree. Then, you'll get the proper shade.
Always put sunglasses on your tree. Then, you'll get the proper shade.
An idea for a board game... BONOPOLY Similar to Monopoly, but where the streets have no name.
An idea for a board game... BONOPOLY Similar to Monopoly, but where the streets have no name.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman... The kids were nothing to look at either.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman... The kids were nothing to look at either.
An ion walked up to Lost and Found and reported that he had lost an electron. The clerk asked:are you sure? The ion replied :Yes, I am positive.VCN
An ion walked up to Lost and Found and reported that he had lost an electron. The clerk asked:are you sure? The ion replied :Yes, I am positive.VCN
An oldie but goldie! *How do you stop a charging bull?* ***Take away its credit card!*** wa waa waaaa! ~Skip
An oldie but goldie! *How do you stop a charging bull?* ***Take away its credit card!*** wa waa waaaa! ~Skip
An Olympic gymnast walked into a bar... She didnt get a medal...
An Olympic gymnast walked into a bar... She didnt get a medal...
Apparently vegetables can hear when they're being eaten. So I always drown mine in salad dressing first. Because it's the Romaine thing to do.
Apparently vegetables can hear when they're being eaten. So I always drown mine in salad dressing first. Because it's the Romaine thing to do.
Apple just released a brand new programming language, *Swift*. Job recruiters everywhere immediately started posting ads for Swift programmers with 5 years of experience.
Apple just released a brand new programming language, *Swift*. Job recruiters everywhere immediately started posting ads for Swift programmers with 5 years of experience.
April showers bring May flowers, but what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
April showers bring May flowers, but what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
Armadillo The world needs more armed dillos.
Armadillo The world needs more armed dillos.
As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought, Dogs sure are easily amused!... ...then I realized I was watching the dog chasing his tail.
As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought, Dogs sure are easily amused!... ...then I realized I was watching the dog chasing his tail.
Ask your doctor if left is right for you.
Ask your doctor if left is right for you.
At the end of the Age of Dinosaurs what happened to the good ones? They got veloci raptured.
At the end of the Age of Dinosaurs what happened to the good ones? They got veloci raptured.
Bad scary film I was watching a really poorly done scary movie last night, it was horrorble.
Bad scary film I was watching a really poorly done scary movie last night, it was horrorble.
Barely amusing Japanese joke Why are snakes so difficult to pick up in Japan? Because in Japan, snakes are hebi.
Barely amusing Japanese joke Why are snakes so difficult to pick up in Japan? Because in Japan, snakes are hebi.
Batman doesn't have nightmares Nightmares have batman
Batman doesn't have nightmares Nightmares have batman
Bee jokes, courtesy of my niece (age 8). What did the bee use to dry off after swimming? A *bee*ch towel. What did the bee use to get out the tangles? A honeycomb.
Bee jokes, courtesy of my niece (age 8). What did the bee use to dry off after swimming? A *bee*ch towel. What did the bee use to get out the tangles? A honeycomb.
Better be named after what? If you had to choose, would you prefer having a disease named after you, or be named after your mother in law?
Better be named after what? If you had to choose, would you prefer having a disease named after you, or be named after your mother in law?
Book, you look so much thinner! I know! I had my appendix removed!
Book, you look so much thinner! I know! I had my appendix removed!
Breaking news! Energizer Bunny arrested... ...charged with battery.
Breaking news! Energizer Bunny arrested... ...charged with battery.
Broken pencils... ...are pointless.
Broken pencils... ...are pointless.
Broom advocates for cleaner work environment.
Broom advocates for cleaner work environment.
Bulls from all over India sent a petition to SC asking it to classify them as 'Jallikatu Bulls'.
Bulls from all over India sent a petition to SC asking it to classify them as 'Jallikatu Bulls'.
By shear coincidence... ...all these sheep look the same...
By shear coincidence... ...all these sheep look the same...
Can you tell me what you call a person from Corsica? Course a can.
Can you tell me what you call a person from Corsica? Course a can.
Captain Ahab's crew were highly efficient sailors In fact, they were running like a whale oiled machine.
Captain Ahab's crew were highly efficient sailors In fact, they were running like a whale oiled machine.
Cars Why do lazy people only drive automatics? Because they're shiftless.
Cars Why do lazy people only drive automatics? Because they're shiftless.
Charles Dickens walks into a bar... and orders a martini. The bartender asks "olive 'er twist?"
Charles Dickens walks into a bar... and orders a martini. The bartender asks "olive 'er twist?"
Chemistry Student I'm a science teacher and once I asked one of my lazy students if he knew the chemical symbol for sodium. He replied, 'Na, I don't'. Lucky sod, he's only ever right periodically.
Chemistry Student I'm a science teacher and once I asked one of my lazy students if he knew the chemical symbol for sodium. He replied, 'Na, I don't'. Lucky sod, he's only ever right periodically.
Choose a major you love and you won't have to work for a day in your life Because that major probably has no jobs (not an original)
Choose a major you love and you won't have to work for a day in your life Because that major probably has no jobs (not an original)
Clean joke about sorority girls Why do sorority girls only travel in odd numbered groups? Because they *can't even*!
Clean joke about sorority girls Why do sorority girls only travel in odd numbered groups? Because they *can't even*!
Coco The Clown took his car back to the garage this week. The door wouldn't fall off.
Coco The Clown took his car back to the garage this week. The door wouldn't fall off.
Cogito Ergo Spud. I think, therefore I yam.
Cogito Ergo Spud. I think, therefore I yam.
College My son took Rock Climbing in college but he had to drop the class. He couldn't find any "Cliff Notes."
College My son took Rock Climbing in college but he had to drop the class. He couldn't find any "Cliff Notes."
Congratulation on the new baby, from your family... except from me because I don't really care.
Congratulation on the new baby, from your family... except from me because I don't really care.
Darth Vader told me he knows what i'm getting for Christmas He said he felt my presents...
Darth Vader told me he knows what i'm getting for Christmas He said he felt my presents...
Definitions Bigamist An Italian fog. Myfunsalow "I am broke" in Italian. Innuendo Italian for suppository.
Definitions Bigamist An Italian fog. Myfunsalow "I am broke" in Italian. Innuendo Italian for suppository.
Did I tell you I'm joining a gym in Gainesborough? Because I'm all about those gains bro
Did I tell you I'm joining a gym in Gainesborough? Because I'm all about those gains bro
Did someone say "purple"? Sorry, it must have been a pigment of my imagination!
Did someone say "purple"? Sorry, it must have been a pigment of my imagination!
Did y'all hear the one about the professional jump roper? Never mind. *Skip it*.
Did y'all hear the one about the professional jump roper? Never mind. *Skip it*.
Did ya hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field
Did ya hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field
Did you hear about NASA finding bones on the moon? Yeah,the cow didn't make it.
Did you hear about NASA finding bones on the moon? Yeah,the cow didn't make it.
Did you hear about Scrooge's drinking problem? He had a dickens of a time with spirits.
Did you hear about Scrooge's drinking problem? He had a dickens of a time with spirits.
Did you hear about that spicy knight? Sir Acha.
Did you hear about that spicy knight? Sir Acha.
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.
Did you hear about the corduroy pillow? You didn't hear? It made headlines!
Did you hear about the corduroy pillow? You didn't hear? It made headlines!
Did you hear about the farmer that fell into the field machine and lost half his body? He's all right now! : )
Did you hear about the farmer that fell into the field machine and lost half his body? He's all right now! : )
Did you hear about the fight in the candy store? Two suckers got licked
Did you hear about the fight in the candy store? Two suckers got licked
Did you hear about the fortune teller that... Had bad breath, calluses all over his body and couldn't win a fight? He was a Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed with halitosis.
Did you hear about the fortune teller that... Had bad breath, calluses all over his body and couldn't win a fight? He was a Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed with halitosis.
Did you hear about the French chef who committed suicide? He lost the huile d'olive
Did you hear about the French chef who committed suicide? He lost the huile d'olive
Did you hear about the guy who fell into an upholstery machine? Now he's fully recovered.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into an upholstery machine? Now he's fully recovered.
Did you hear about the guy who invented a knife that can cut four loaves of bread at once? He's calling it the "Four Loaf Cleaver."
Did you hear about the guy who invented a knife that can cut four loaves of bread at once? He's calling it the "Four Loaf Cleaver."
Did you hear about the homemade poison ivy remedy? You can make it from scratch.
Did you hear about the homemade poison ivy remedy? You can make it from scratch.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
Did you hear about the kidnapping in Delaware? Don't worry, he eventually woke up.
Did you hear about the kidnapping in Delaware? Don't worry, he eventually woke up.
Did you hear about the kidnapping recently? The goatherd woke him up.
Did you hear about the kidnapping recently? The goatherd woke him up.
Did you hear about the lawyer for U2? He was Pro Bono
Did you hear about the lawyer for U2? He was Pro Bono
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? It was a grave mistake. Woohoo! I'm making these up!!
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? It was a grave mistake. Woohoo! I'm making these up!!
Did you hear about the mathematician who hated negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them!
Did you hear about the mathematician who hated negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them!
Did you hear about the Native American who went to a party and drank 37 cups of tea? They found him dead the next morning in his tea pee.
Did you hear about the Native American who went to a party and drank 37 cups of tea? They found him dead the next morning in his tea pee.
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested? He was held without charge.
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested? He was held without charge.
Did you hear about the ointment... Did you hear about the ointment that couldn't stop talking about politics? When confronted, he said he was just trying to be topical.
Did you hear about the ointment... Did you hear about the ointment that couldn't stop talking about politics? When confronted, he said he was just trying to be topical.
Did you hear about the production delays at that company that makes scales using lengthy pipes? They had really long weights.
Did you hear about the production delays at that company that makes scales using lengthy pipes? They had really long weights.
Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel Prize? He was outstanding in his field. From: http://www.dadlaughs.com
Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel Prize? He was outstanding in his field. From: http://www.dadlaughs.com
Did you hear about the schizophrenic accounts manager? He couldn't help but hear invoices inside his head.
Did you hear about the schizophrenic accounts manager? He couldn't help but hear invoices inside his head.
Did you hear about the skeleton who didn't go to prom? He had no body to go with.
Did you hear about the skeleton who didn't go to prom? He had no body to go with.
Did you hear about the stallion and the mare? They had a stable relationship.
Did you hear about the stallion and the mare? They had a stable relationship.
Did you hear about the two monocles at the party? They made spectacles out of themselves.
Did you hear about the two monocles at the party? They made spectacles out of themselves.
Did you hear about the two silk worms that got in a fight? It ended in a tie.
Did you hear about the two silk worms that got in a fight? It ended in a tie.
Did you hear about what happened with the elk? It was really amoosing.
Did you hear about what happened with the elk? It was really amoosing.
Did you hear that H.P. Lovecraft wrote a cookbook? It's called the Necronomnomnomicon.
Did you hear that H.P. Lovecraft wrote a cookbook? It's called the Necronomnomnomicon.
Did you hear the joke about the fast car? I would tell you but I think you're too slow to get it.
Did you hear the joke about the fast car? I would tell you but I think you're too slow to get it.
Did you hear the Offspring song about how to store mummies? "You gotta keep 'em desiccated"
Did you hear the Offspring song about how to store mummies? "You gotta keep 'em desiccated"
Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician? He worked his problem out with a pencil.
Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician? He worked his problem out with a pencil.
Did you hear the one about the three eggs? Too Bad.
Did you hear the one about the three eggs? Too Bad.
Did you know that 1 in every doll, in every doll, in every doll, in every doll are Russian?
Did you know that 1 in every doll, in every doll, in every doll, in every doll are Russian?
Did you know that it's traditional to serve Eggs Benedict on a hubcap? There's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.
Did you know that it's traditional to serve Eggs Benedict on a hubcap? There's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.
Did you know that protons have mass? >Yes Well I didn't even know they were Catholic!
Did you know that protons have mass? >Yes Well I didn't even know they were Catholic!
Did you know yesterday was National Middle Child Day? Don't worry, no one else remembered either.
Did you know yesterday was National Middle Child Day? Don't worry, no one else remembered either.
Did you see the guy at Walmart hiding from ugly people?
Did you see the guy at Walmart hiding from ugly people?
Did you take a shower today? Why, is one missing?
Did you take a shower today? Why, is one missing?
Difference between a dead squirrel and a dead drummer in the road? http://imgur.com/PKibj The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.
Difference between a dead squirrel and a dead drummer in the road? http://imgur.com/PKibj The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.
Do you guys/gals like horse jokes? Yeah or neeiiigghh?
Do you guys/gals like horse jokes? Yeah or neeiiigghh?
Do you have a hole in your sock? "No ..." *(looks at sock)* . . How'd you get your foot in it?
Do you have a hole in your sock? "No ..." *(looks at sock)* . . How'd you get your foot in it?
Do you know why one side of the the V formation of geese in flight is longer than the other side? Because It has more geese in it!
Do you know why one side of the the V formation of geese in flight is longer than the other side? Because It has more geese in it!
Do you know why the bike couldnt stand by itself? It was TWO TIRED!!!
Do you know why the bike couldnt stand by itself? It was TWO TIRED!!!
Do you know why there's no casinos in Africa? Because there's too many CHEETAHS!
Do you know why there's no casinos in Africa? Because there's too many CHEETAHS!
Do you think George Clooney has an iTunes playlist called Clooney Tunes?
Do you think George Clooney has an iTunes playlist called Clooney Tunes?
Dolphins don't do anything by accident.. Always on porpoise.
Dolphins don't do anything by accident.. Always on porpoise.
Don't you hate jokes about German sausage? They're the wurst!
Don't you hate jokes about German sausage? They're the wurst!
Ever heard about that movie called Constipation? It never came out.
Ever heard about that movie called Constipation? It never came out.
Every journey has a beginning. ahem Just a small town girl Living in a lonely world...
Every journey has a beginning. ahem Just a small town girl Living in a lonely world...
Everybody gets their 15 minutes of fame so here's my first original joke! why is it impossible to surprise a snowman? .. he has ice in the back of his head
Everybody gets their 15 minutes of fame so here's my first original joke! why is it impossible to surprise a snowman? .. he has ice in the back of his head
Fart tutor wanted, must have references
Fart tutor wanted, must have references
Finally decided on my thesis paper. It's a LOTR themed essay in defense of Sauron Titled "Getting away with Mordor"
Finally decided on my thesis paper. It's a LOTR themed essay in defense of Sauron Titled "Getting away with Mordor"
First original joke! Why did the rapper visit the urologist? Because his flows were so sick.
First original joke! Why did the rapper visit the urologist? Because his flows were so sick.
First post and an original How much does a Chinese elephant weigh? .................. Wonton
First post and an original How much does a Chinese elephant weigh? .................. Wonton
Four years ago, I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today, I asked her to marry me. She said no both times. (not an original)
Four years ago, I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today, I asked her to marry me. She said no both times. (not an original)
Garbage men have Hefty contracts.
Garbage men have Hefty contracts.
Harry Potter can't tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend. [X Post from r/Fantasy] They're both cauldron.
Harry Potter can't tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend. [X Post from r/Fantasy] They're both cauldron.
Have a very Joseph Christmas! We shouldn't discriminate by sex, you know.
Have a very Joseph Christmas! We shouldn't discriminate by sex, you know.
Have you been injured in a car accident? call 555 bottom feeders. We will do anything for money.
Have you been injured in a car accident? call 555 bottom feeders. We will do anything for money.
Have you ever heard the one about the dust bunny and the mud pie? Well then sorry, I only tell clean jokes.
Have you ever heard the one about the dust bunny and the mud pie? Well then sorry, I only tell clean jokes.
Have you guys ever heard of the crazy Mexican Train Killer? He had...... Loco Motives
Have you guys ever heard of the crazy Mexican Train Killer? He had...... Loco Motives
Have you heard about that hot Thai lounge singer? Yeah. They call him *Frank Sriracha.*
Have you heard about that hot Thai lounge singer? Yeah. They call him *Frank Sriracha.*
Have you heard about the 2 Spanish firemen? Jose and hose B
Have you heard about the 2 Spanish firemen? Jose and hose B
Have you heard about the Black Magic book for orphans? It's called the necro**mom**icon
Have you heard about the Black Magic book for orphans? It's called the necro**mom**icon
Have you heard the one about the agnostic with dyslexia and insomnia? He tossed and turned all night wondering if there was a dog
Have you heard the one about the agnostic with dyslexia and insomnia? He tossed and turned all night wondering if there was a dog
Have you heard what I think of windmills? Big Fan.
Have you heard what I think of windmills? Big Fan.
Have you seen the movie Constipated? No? Why? Cause it hasn't come out yet!
Have you seen the movie Constipated? No? Why? Cause it hasn't come out yet!
Heard the one about the corduroy pillowcase? It's making headlines.
Heard the one about the corduroy pillowcase? It's making headlines.
Heart attack When is the worst possible time to have a heart attack? When you are playing Charades.
Heart attack When is the worst possible time to have a heart attack? When you are playing Charades.
HELP! We need your best joke you have! We will choose the best joke and make a video of it, just for you!
HELP! We need your best joke you have! We will choose the best joke and make a video of it, just for you!
Here's a funny joke I heard about pizza oh nevermind. It's too cheesy.
Here's a funny joke I heard about pizza oh nevermind. It's too cheesy.
Hope you guys like clean humor videos https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNt aTq0hxM
Hope you guys like clean humor videos https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNt aTq0hxM
How can you tell if a hamburger was grilled in space? It's a little meteor.
How can you tell if a hamburger was grilled in space? It's a little meteor.
How can you tell that a straight pin is confused? Just look at it. It's headed in one direction and pointed in the other.
How can you tell that a straight pin is confused? Just look at it. It's headed in one direction and pointed in the other.
How did the aquarium win the battle? Giant Fish Tanks.
How did the aquarium win the battle? Giant Fish Tanks.
How did the burglar get into the house? Intruder window
How did the burglar get into the house? Intruder window
How did the desk lamp store manager feel when thieves stole all his lightbulbs? He was delighted.
How did the desk lamp store manager feel when thieves stole all his lightbulbs? He was delighted.
How did the firefly feel when he flew into the fan? He was de lighted
How did the firefly feel when he flew into the fan? He was de lighted
How did the geologist develop a career as an expert in sinkholes? He fell into it.
How did the geologist develop a career as an expert in sinkholes? He fell into it.
How did the metal get the wrong idea? He was misled.
How did the metal get the wrong idea? He was misled.
How did the musician catch his fish? He castanet
How did the musician catch his fish? He castanet
How did the Pillsbury Dough Boy Die? A Yeast Infection
How did the Pillsbury Dough Boy Die? A Yeast Infection
How did the pilot like his hotdog? Plane.
How did the pilot like his hotdog? Plane.
How did the prostitute get promoted? She slept her way to the top!
How did the prostitute get promoted? She slept her way to the top!
How did the townspeople react when the mayor presented them with a cost efficient, vegan protein source? They chia'd.
How did the townspeople react when the mayor presented them with a cost efficient, vegan protein source? They chia'd.
How do cows get their gossip? They herd it through the bovine.
How do cows get their gossip? They herd it through the bovine.
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
How do porcupines play leapfrog? Very carefully
How do porcupines play leapfrog? Very carefully
How do sailors finish a corny joke on a boat? Ba dum ship.
How do sailors finish a corny joke on a boat? Ba dum ship.
How do trees get online? They just log in...
How do trees get online? They just log in...
How do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
How do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
How do you call for a bath? With a Teletubbie.
How do you call for a bath? With a Teletubbie.
How do you catch a bra? You set a booby trap.
How do you catch a bra? You set a booby trap.
How do you catch a one of a kind rabbit? Unique up on it. How do you catch a very calm rabbit? The tame way.
How do you catch a one of a kind rabbit? Unique up on it. How do you catch a very calm rabbit? The tame way.
How do you catch a unique rabbit? *unique* up on it!
How do you catch a unique rabbit? *unique* up on it!
How do you confuse a fish? You put it in a bowl and tell it go to a corner!
How do you confuse a fish? You put it in a bowl and tell it go to a corner!
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints.
How do you find Will Smith in the winter? You search for Fresh Prints.
How do you find Will Smith in the winter? You search for Fresh Prints.
How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch!
How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch!
How do you get down from an elephant? You don't, you get down from a duck
How do you get down from an elephant? You don't, you get down from a duck
How do you get Pikachu on the bus? Poke 'em on!
How do you get Pikachu on the bus? Poke 'em on!
How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I'll tell you later.
How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I'll tell you later.
How do you kill a circus? You stab it in the juggler.
How do you kill a circus? You stab it in the juggler.
How do you kill a vampire from the South? With a chicken fried stake
How do you kill a vampire from the South? With a chicken fried stake
How do you kill bread? Bake it for a little while, and it will be toast.
How do you kill bread? Bake it for a little while, and it will be toast.
How do you know ancient Egyptians loved books so much? Because they built their stuff with reads!
How do you know ancient Egyptians loved books so much? Because they built their stuff with reads!
How do you know you put the right joke in the right thread? Don't worry, someone will tell you.
How do you know you put the right joke in the right thread? Don't worry, someone will tell you.
How do you make a computer your best friend? You buy it a nice bunch of software and get it loaded!
How do you make a computer your best friend? You buy it a nice bunch of software and get it loaded!
How do you make a kleenex dance? You put a little Boogie in it!
How do you make a kleenex dance? You put a little Boogie in it!
How do you make a squid laugh? Ten tickles.
How do you make a squid laugh? Ten tickles.
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a boogie in it! (Not sure of the spelling, heard it from someone).
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a boogie in it! (Not sure of the spelling, heard it from someone).
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. :)
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. :)
How do you make gold soup? You use 14 carrots.
How do you make gold soup? You use 14 carrots.
How do you pay for things in the Czech Republic? Cash or Czech Edit: a word
How do you pay for things in the Czech Republic? Cash or Czech Edit: a word
How do you prepare for a party in space? You Planet Thanks u/BostonCentrist
How do you prepare for a party in space? You Planet Thanks u/BostonCentrist
How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheburg.
How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheburg.
How do you turn soup into gold? You add 24 carats!
How do you turn soup into gold? You add 24 carats!
How do you unlock a monastery door? With a monk key.
How do you unlock a monastery door? With a monk key.
How does a cactus do his math homework? He uses a cacti lator!
How does a cactus do his math homework? He uses a cacti lator!
How does a duck pay for lipstick? She puts it on her bill
How does a duck pay for lipstick? She puts it on her bill
How does a fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales!
How does a fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales!
How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend? Meat patty! Thought of you guys!
How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend? Meat patty! Thought of you guys!
How does a mathematician get Tan? Sin/Cos
How does a mathematician get Tan? Sin/Cos
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!
How does a plant walk? It uses a plant stand.
How does a plant walk? It uses a plant stand.
How does Han Solo like to get around Endor? Ewoks
How does Han Solo like to get around Endor? Ewoks
How does Harry Houdini tell people to steal stuff? Straight jack it.
How does Harry Houdini tell people to steal stuff? Straight jack it.
How does the man in the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
How does the man in the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
How does the Mummy plan to destroy Superman? He's gonna lure him in to the crypt tonight.
How does the Mummy plan to destroy Superman? He's gonna lure him in to the crypt tonight.
How is a rabbit similar to a plum? they are both purple, except for the rabbit.
How is a rabbit similar to a plum? they are both purple, except for the rabbit.
How long did it take for the police to catch the man running in his underwear? It was a brief chase...
How long did it take for the police to catch the man running in his underwear? It was a brief chase...
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How many dancers does it take to change a lightbulb? 5,6,7,8
How many dancers does it take to change a lightbulb? 5,6,7,8
How many goals did Germany score? gerMANY
How many goals did Germany score? gerMANY
How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb? FOUR!
How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb? FOUR!
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? It's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? It's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
How many minimalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1
How many minimalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1
How many nihilists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? #
How many nihilists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? #
How many roads must a man walk? 42.
How many roads must a man walk? 42.
How many Romans does it take to screw in a light bulb? V.
How many Romans does it take to screw in a light bulb? V.
How many Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but it takes 5 episodes.
How many Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but it takes 5 episodes.
How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? A Brazilian.... I'll get my coat...
How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? A Brazilian.... I'll get my coat...
How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just 1 but it will take 3 episodes.
How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just 1 but it will take 3 episodes.
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh? Tentacles.
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh? Tentacles.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? ten tickles
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? ten tickles
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
How many US Congressmen does it take to change a lightbulb? Oh, please. Like they've ever changed anything that needed it.
How many US Congressmen does it take to change a lightbulb? Oh, please. Like they've ever changed anything that needed it.
How much did the pirate charge for corn? He sold them for a buccaneer.
How much did the pirate charge for corn? He sold them for a buccaneer.
How much did the skeleton charge for his excellent legal services? An arm and a leg.
How much did the skeleton charge for his excellent legal services? An arm and a leg.
How much do drum shaped sofas cost? 5 dollars per cushion.
How much do drum shaped sofas cost? 5 dollars per cushion.
How much do pirates pay for earrings? about a buck an ear.
How much do pirates pay for earrings? about a buck an ear.
How much does a pirate earing cost? A buccaneer
How much does a pirate earing cost? A buccaneer
How much does a truck full of bones weigh? A skeleTon
How much does a truck full of bones weigh? A skeleTon
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced? A buccaneer!
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced? A buccaneer!
How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears? A buccaneer!
How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears? A buccaneer!
How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ear pierced? A buccaneer.
How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ear pierced? A buccaneer.
How much does wonton soup weigh? One ton, but I don't know anyone that'd wantonly order it.
How much does wonton soup weigh? One ton, but I don't know anyone that'd wantonly order it.
How to create a clean joke Step 1. Find a dirty joke Step 2. Clean it
How to create a clean joke Step 1. Find a dirty joke Step 2. Clean it
How was Rome split in half? With a pair of *Caesars*
How was Rome split in half? With a pair of *Caesars*
How was the Roman Empire cut in two? With a pair of Caesars.
How was the Roman Empire cut in two? With a pair of Caesars.
I am not pro gay. I am not even amateur gay. But, I support their rights.
I am not pro gay. I am not even amateur gay. But, I support their rights.
I asked my soap who it voted for, it said... I'd lather not say! note: This one came to me in the shower just now, gotta go back in now. Oh, the irony! I think. ~Skip
I asked my soap who it voted for, it said... I'd lather not say! note: This one came to me in the shower just now, gotta go back in now. Oh, the irony! I think. ~Skip
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely... ...if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely... ...if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
I bought a duckdoo yesterday! 'What's a duckdoo?' "quack, quack"
I bought a duckdoo yesterday! 'What's a duckdoo?' "quack, quack"
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago... ...and so far, all it's been doing is gathering dust.
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago... ...and so far, all it's been doing is gathering dust.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer, I don't know what he laced them with but I have been tripping all day. My amazing girlfriend told me this one
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer, I don't know what he laced them with but I have been tripping all day. My amazing girlfriend told me this one
I came into this subreddit expecting jokes about soap. I am mildly disappointed.
I came into this subreddit expecting jokes about soap. I am mildly disappointed.
I came up with a joke about my old cell phone Nevermind, it tends to get terrible reception
I came up with a joke about my old cell phone Nevermind, it tends to get terrible reception
I can make a movie with my hand. All it takes is a FLICK of the wrist!
I can make a movie with my hand. All it takes is a FLICK of the wrist!
I can't stand Russian Dolls... They're always so full of themselves!
I can't stand Russian Dolls... They're always so full of themselves!
I dig, she dig, we dig, he dig, they dig, you dig ... Maybe not a funny joke but at least it is deep.
I dig, she dig, we dig, he dig, they dig, you dig ... Maybe not a funny joke but at least it is deep.
I do my best when my manager puts a gun to my head.
I do my best when my manager puts a gun to my head.
I don't have a Facebook or Twitter account... ...so I just go around announcing out loud what I'm doing at random times. I've got 3 followers so far, but I think 2 are cops.
I don't have a Facebook or Twitter account... ...so I just go around announcing out loud what I'm doing at random times. I've got 3 followers so far, but I think 2 are cops.
I don't like going to funerals early in the day. I'm not much of a mourning person.
I don't like going to funerals early in the day. I'm not much of a mourning person.
I farted on an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels. From /r/PeterL
I farted on an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels. From /r/PeterL
I fear for the calendar... ...its days are numbered.
I fear for the calendar... ...its days are numbered.
I feed my cat lemons. He's a real sour puss.
I feed my cat lemons. He's a real sour puss.
I fell in the mud. And took a shower right after!
I fell in the mud. And took a shower right after!
I fell off a forty foot ladder today.... lucky I was on the bottom rung.
I fell off a forty foot ladder today.... lucky I was on the bottom rung.
I finally finished baby proofing the house. Let's see those babies get in here now.
I finally finished baby proofing the house. Let's see those babies get in here now.
I find hanging around in coffee shops A great way to espresso yourself
I find hanging around in coffee shops A great way to espresso yourself
I forgot where I threw my boomerang. Oh wait.. It's coming back to me now.
I forgot where I threw my boomerang. Oh wait.. It's coming back to me now.
I got hit hard in the head with a can of 7up today... I'm alright though, it was a soft drink.
I got hit hard in the head with a can of 7up today... I'm alright though, it was a soft drink.
I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn't like it.
I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn't like it.
I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.
I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.
I hate girls with double standards unless they're pretty
I hate girls with double standards unless they're pretty
I hate people who talk about me behind my back... They discussed me.
I hate people who talk about me behind my back... They discussed me.
I hate when you're trying to be cheesy but everyone is laughtose intolerant.
I hate when you're trying to be cheesy but everyone is laughtose intolerant.
I have a lot of jokes about the unemployed... ...but none of them work.
I have a lot of jokes about the unemployed... ...but none of them work.
I have found that there are three kinds of people; Those who can count and those who can't.
I have found that there are three kinds of people; Those who can count and those who can't.
I have the opposite of a photographic memory i have a potatographic memory.
I have the opposite of a photographic memory i have a potatographic memory.
I have to find a new personal trainer. He didn't do squat(s).
I have to find a new personal trainer. He didn't do squat(s).
I hear that in Star Wars VIII they're going to introduce Han's perpetually depressed younger brother. His name is Y Solo.
I hear that in Star Wars VIII they're going to introduce Han's perpetually depressed younger brother. His name is Y Solo.
I heard a great joke about a boomerang earlier. I'm sure it will come back to me eventually.
I heard a great joke about a boomerang earlier. I'm sure it will come back to me eventually.
I heard it's a good night to see the Perseid meteor shower . . . . . . but I haven't heard how it got dirty.
I heard it's a good night to see the Perseid meteor shower . . . . . . but I haven't heard how it got dirty.
I heard she accidentally spilled her chocolate milkshake on her white poodle knick knack paddy whack give the dog a... bath!!!
I heard she accidentally spilled her chocolate milkshake on her white poodle knick knack paddy whack give the dog a... bath!!!
I heard the best time travel joke tomorrow.
I heard the best time travel joke tomorrow.
I invented a time machine... ...next week.
I invented a time machine... ...next week.
I just bought a Bonnie Tyler sat nav. It keeps telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.
I just bought a Bonnie Tyler sat nav. It keeps telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.
I just found out I'm colorblind It came out of the yellow.
I just found out I'm colorblind It came out of the yellow.
I just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters... Its shift work.
I just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters... Its shift work.
I just heard because of the government shutdown government archeologists are working with a skeleton crew.
I just heard because of the government shutdown government archeologists are working with a skeleton crew.
I just invented a new word! It's called "plagiarism".
I just invented a new word! It's called "plagiarism".
I just met someone who was a steam roller operator. He was such a flatterer.
I just met someone who was a steam roller operator. He was such a flatterer.
I just read this article about short term memory I don't remember what it was about
I just read this article about short term memory I don't remember what it was about
I knew I was old when I opened internet explorer.
I knew I was old when I opened internet explorer.
I knew this guy who would ask men at church, "is your tie made out of bird cloth?" <blank stare> "It's cheep, cheep, cheep."
I knew this guy who would ask men at church, "is your tie made out of bird cloth?" <blank stare> "It's cheep, cheep, cheep."
I know a guy who collects candy canes... ...they are all in mint condition.
I know a guy who collects candy canes... ...they are all in mint condition.
I know a woman who owns a taser... Let me tell you, she's stunning!
I know a woman who owns a taser... Let me tell you, she's stunning!
I like camping but... it's so in tents
I like camping but... it's so in tents
I like my jokes they way I like my robots. Killer.
I like my jokes they way I like my robots. Killer.
I like my slaves like I like my coffee Free.
I like my slaves like I like my coffee Free.
I like my slaves like I like my coffee: Free.
I like my slaves like I like my coffee: Free.
I love graphs! I used to be obsessed with them... I've calmed down now though, you've gotta draw the line somewhere
I love graphs! I used to be obsessed with them... I've calmed down now though, you've gotta draw the line somewhere
I love self deprecating humour. Shame I'm no good at it.
I love self deprecating humour. Shame I'm no good at it.
I love when I have dramatic realizations over my morning cereal... ... I call 'em "breakfast epiphanies"
I love when I have dramatic realizations over my morning cereal... ... I call 'em "breakfast epiphanies"
I made a model aircraft. I wanted it to be an unpainted smooth finish wooden aircraft. So I made a plain planed plane plane.
I made a model aircraft. I wanted it to be an unpainted smooth finish wooden aircraft. So I made a plain planed plane plane.
I made half a cup of tea the other day... It was so nice I had two.
I made half a cup of tea the other day... It was so nice I had two.
I may be middle class, but I'm hard. *Al dente*, you might say. **Jimmy Carr**
I may be middle class, but I'm hard. *Al dente*, you might say. **Jimmy Carr**
I met Phil Spector's brother Crispin the other day. He's head of quality control at Lays.
I met Phil Spector's brother Crispin the other day. He's head of quality control at Lays.
I named my cat "Curiosity". He killed himself ... Nine times.
I named my cat "Curiosity". He killed himself ... Nine times.
I need this plant to grow. Well, water you waiting for?
I need this plant to grow. Well, water you waiting for?
I never buy Velcro It's such a rip off.
I never buy Velcro It's such a rip off.
I once ate a watch. It was time consuming, I didn't go back for seconds.
I once ate a watch. It was time consuming, I didn't go back for seconds.
I personally don't believe in bros before hoes or hoes before hoes.. There needs to be a balance. A homie hoe stasis
I personally don't believe in bros before hoes or hoes before hoes.. There needs to be a balance. A homie hoe stasis
I rang up a local builder and said, "I want a skip outside my house." He said, "I'm not stopping you." **Tim Vine**
I rang up a local builder and said, "I want a skip outside my house." He said, "I'm not stopping you." **Tim Vine**
I read a story about a kid that ate 4 cans of alphabet soup in one sitting... It said that he later had a massive vowel movement. Maybe a dirty joke.
I read a story about a kid that ate 4 cans of alphabet soup in one sitting... It said that he later had a massive vowel movement. Maybe a dirty joke.
I said bring your coffee maker whenever you want Them: great headphones on planes is heavier than flying over TEAs
I said bring your coffee maker whenever you want Them: great headphones on planes is heavier than flying over TEAs
I saw a documentary on how they make jeans... It was riveting.
I saw a documentary on how they make jeans... It was riveting.
I saw a middle aged man staring at a picture of his very first steps. With tears in his eyes, he told me he regrets ever replacing the steps with an elevator.
I saw a middle aged man staring at a picture of his very first steps. With tears in his eyes, he told me he regrets ever replacing the steps with an elevator.
I saw an all frog production of Frozen yesterday... It was toad aly cool!
I saw an all frog production of Frozen yesterday... It was toad aly cool!
I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode... I asked, Are you two an item?
I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode... I asked, Are you two an item?
I still remember what my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket... "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?!"
I still remember what my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket... "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?!"
I support farming and math... I'm pro tractor.
I support farming and math... I'm pro tractor.
I the shell off a snail yesterday... you'd think it would move faster, but it was really kinda sluggish.
I the shell off a snail yesterday... you'd think it would move faster, but it was really kinda sluggish.
I thought I had a brain tumor but then I realized it was all in my head.
I thought I had a brain tumor but then I realized it was all in my head.
I thought the dryer shrank my clothes.. turns out it was the refrigerator
I thought the dryer shrank my clothes.. turns out it was the refrigerator
I tired playing soccer But I couldn't get a kick out of it.
I tired playing soccer But I couldn't get a kick out of it.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on too high she looked surprised.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on too high she looked surprised.
I tried to change my password to 14days... The computer said it was two week.
I tried to change my password to 14days... The computer said it was two week.
I try not to spend too much time online... ...but Wi Fight it?
I try not to spend too much time online... ...but Wi Fight it?
I used to be addicted... to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around (x post from /r/jokes)
I used to be addicted... to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around (x post from /r/jokes)
I used to work at an orange juice factory... I ended up getting fired because I couldn't concentrate.
I used to work at an orange juice factory... I ended up getting fired because I couldn't concentrate.
I wanna make a joke about sodium. But Na.
I wanna make a joke about sodium. But Na.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... Unlike the passengers in his car who were screaming and yelling! http://www.thedailyenglishshow.com/friday joke/98 how to die/
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... Unlike the passengers in his car who were screaming and yelling! http://www.thedailyenglishshow.com/friday joke/98 how to die/
I was addicted to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around.
I was at Redbox, but I didn't know what to watch. I consulted my groceries, and my pizza said, "Keep Frozen."
I was at Redbox, but I didn't know what to watch. I consulted my groceries, and my pizza said, "Keep Frozen."
I was driving today... And saw a sign that said, "Steamed Crabs". I began to wonder: "What made them so mad?"
I was driving today... And saw a sign that said, "Steamed Crabs". I began to wonder: "What made them so mad?"
I was going to go to a clairvoyants meeting the other day but.... it was cancelled due to unforeseen events.
I was going to go to a clairvoyants meeting the other day but.... it was cancelled due to unforeseen events.
I was gonna make a joke on Reddit.. .. but I guess you've already Reddit somewhere.
I was gonna make a joke on Reddit.. .. but I guess you've already Reddit somewhere.
I was thinking of ways to become transgender... So I figured I'd fly to Paris. Because then I'd be abroad.
I was thinking of ways to become transgender... So I figured I'd fly to Paris. Because then I'd be abroad.
I was walking in the desert and saw a redwood tree. I knew this must be a mirage, so I ran into it. To my dismay, the tree and I collided. I guess it must have been an obstacle illusion.
I was walking in the desert and saw a redwood tree. I knew this must be a mirage, so I ran into it. To my dismay, the tree and I collided. I guess it must have been an obstacle illusion.
I was watching a TV program on various Religious orders and how the use stringed instruments. I was appalled by the amount of sects and violins!
I was watching a TV program on various Religious orders and how the use stringed instruments. I was appalled by the amount of sects and violins!
I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger. And then it hit me.
I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger. And then it hit me.
I went for a job interview today... The interviewer said to me, What would you say your greatest weakness is? I said, I think Id have to say my listening skills are my greatest strength.
I went for a job interview today... The interviewer said to me, What would you say your greatest weakness is? I said, I think Id have to say my listening skills are my greatest strength.
I went in to a pet shop and said, Can I buy a goldfish? The guy said, Do you want an aquarium? I said, I dont care what star sign it is.
I went in to a pet shop and said, Can I buy a goldfish? The guy said, Do you want an aquarium? I said, I dont care what star sign it is.
I went out with anorexic twins last night... 2 birds, 1 stone
I went out with anorexic twins last night... 2 birds, 1 stone
I went to a seafood disco last week... ...and pulled a mussel.
I went to a seafood disco last week... ...and pulled a mussel.
I went to a shredded cheese convention the other day... it was grate
I went to a shredded cheese convention the other day... it was grate
I went to the dermatologist about something on my neck and they said I just needed to scrub it!!!
I went to the dermatologist about something on my neck and they said I just needed to scrub it!!!
I went to the store and asked for a one handed sailor... he said sorry, "I'm a wholesaler."
I went to the store and asked for a one handed sailor... he said sorry, "I'm a wholesaler."
I would make a sparrow joke... But they don't fly very well.
I would make a sparrow joke... But they don't fly very well.
I would never exaggerate... ...in a million years.
I would never exaggerate... ...in a million years.
I would think you'd have to be open minded... ...to be a brain surgeon.
I would think you'd have to be open minded... ...to be a brain surgeon.
I'm a social person. I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.
I'm a social person. I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.
I'm calculating how much it would cost to install lights for a little league baseball field A ballpark estimate would be perfect
I'm calculating how much it would cost to install lights for a little league baseball field A ballpark estimate would be perfect
I'm getting mighty fed up with these sheep human hybrids! What is with ewe people!?
I'm getting mighty fed up with these sheep human hybrids! What is with ewe people!?
I'm going to stand outside... So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
I'm going to stand outside... So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet... I don't know why.
I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet... I don't know why.
I'm in the terminator musical. I'll be Bach.
I'm in the terminator musical. I'll be Bach.
I'm making a band! I started a band called 999 Megabytes...we havent gotten a gig yet.
I'm making a band! I started a band called 999 Megabytes...we havent gotten a gig yet.
I'm naming my TV remote Waldo... ...for obvious reasons.
I'm naming my TV remote Waldo... ...for obvious reasons.
I'm not really sure I'm understanding this financial crisis in Greece... It's all Greek to me.
I'm not really sure I'm understanding this financial crisis in Greece... It's all Greek to me.
I'm reading a book about anti gravity. I can't put it down.
I'm reading a book about anti gravity. I can't put it down.
I'm reading a book about anti gravity... ... It's impossible to put down
I'm reading a book about anti gravity... ... It's impossible to put down
I'm so sad because my friend is moving to Shanghai. More like Shang bye.
I'm so sad because my friend is moving to Shanghai. More like Shang bye.
I'm tired of people calling America the dumbest country in the world Quite frankly, I think Europe is!
I'm tired of people calling America the dumbest country in the world Quite frankly, I think Europe is!
I'm very keen I could tell he was bald at the drop of a hat.
I'm very keen I could tell he was bald at the drop of a hat.
I've just made a meeting site for retired chemists It's called Carbon Dating
I've just made a meeting site for retired chemists It's called Carbon Dating
I've won the war! My pants fit! **Congratulations, have you lost weight?** Even better... I've bought new pants!!!
I've won the war! My pants fit! **Congratulations, have you lost weight?** Even better... I've bought new pants!!!
If all of Ireland sank, what part of it wouldn't? County Cork
If all of Ireland sank, what part of it wouldn't? County Cork
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims
If I bought a balloon for $0.99 ... How much should I sell it for when I adjust for inflation?
If I bought a balloon for $0.99 ... How much should I sell it for when I adjust for inflation?
If I don't eat all of my food, it goes to waste. If I do eat all of my food, it goes to *waist*.
If I don't eat all of my food, it goes to waste. If I do eat all of my food, it goes to *waist*.
If I ever fire someone who is a Taylor Swift fan I'll say "I knew you were trouble when you clocked in."
If I ever fire someone who is a Taylor Swift fan I'll say "I knew you were trouble when you clocked in."
If life gives you melons, you might have dyslexia.
If life gives you melons, you might have dyslexia.
If Mr. Bean lost one of his legs he'd be cannellini!
If Mr. Bean lost one of his legs he'd be cannellini!
If the house is in the kitchen, and Diana's in the kitchen, what's in Diana? A state (Indiana)
If the house is in the kitchen, and Diana's in the kitchen, what's in Diana? A state (Indiana)
If you bury someone in the wrong place then you have made a grave mistake.
If you bury someone in the wrong place then you have made a grave mistake.
If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. *They're normally around 90 degrees.*
If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. *They're normally around 90 degrees.*
If you have bladder problems. Urine trouble.
If you have bladder problems. Urine trouble.
If you walk into the bathroom an American and walk out an American, what are you in the bathroom? European.
If you walk into the bathroom an American and walk out an American, what are you in the bathroom? European.
If you're American, when are you not American? When European. Or when you're Russian. Any more? :)
If you're American, when are you not American? When European. Or when you're Russian. Any more? :)
If you're not buying kraft mac and cheese you might be buying an impasta.
If you're not buying kraft mac and cheese you might be buying an impasta.
Im trying to get into classical music... ...but I cant find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands.
Im trying to get into classical music... ...but I cant find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands.
In what town lives the mathematician who can only multiply by two? Dublin.
In what town lives the mathematician who can only multiply by two? Dublin.
Is your refrigerator running? Well, you better get glasses, and stop doing drugs
Is your refrigerator running? Well, you better get glasses, and stop doing drugs
It's an emergency! I need underwear jokes. My baby sister needs underwear jokes for some mysterious reason. I need your guys help!
It's an emergency! I need underwear jokes. My baby sister needs underwear jokes for some mysterious reason. I need your guys help!
James Bond went to get a haircut. The barber asked him if he wanted to dye his hair as well. Bond replied "Dye another day."
James Bond went to get a haircut. The barber asked him if he wanted to dye his hair as well. Bond replied "Dye another day."
Jesus wrote a play about a tornado. It was an Act of God.
Jesus wrote a play about a tornado. It was an Act of God.
JKLMNOPQRST That's all that stands between U and I :)
JKLMNOPQRST That's all that stands between U and I :)
Joke request Tell me your best joke that includes "July" "fourth" and "fire" Let's see what you've got, Reddit!
Joke request Tell me your best joke that includes "July" "fourth" and "fire" Let's see what you've got, Reddit!
Just found this sub the other day and I've come to this realization... Currently, this subreddit seems to be in quite the pickle.
Just found this sub the other day and I've come to this realization... Currently, this subreddit seems to be in quite the pickle.
Just went to an emotional wedding Even the cake was in tiers.
Just went to an emotional wedding Even the cake was in tiers.
Just wrote a book on reverse psychology... Don't read it!
Just wrote a book on reverse psychology... Don't read it!
Kids, I don't know if our ceiling is the best ceiling... ...but it's definitely up there.
Kids, I don't know if our ceiling is the best ceiling... ...but it's definitely up there.
Knock knock Who's there? Impatient cow. Impatient co He already left.
Knock knock Who's there? Impatient cow. Impatient co He already left.
Knock knock Who's there? Ash Ash who? Bless you.. P.S. kids love it
Knock knock Who's there? Ash Ash who? Bless you.. P.S. kids love it
Knock Knock Who's there Boo!! Boo who? Don't cry, it's only a joke
Knock Knock Who's there Boo!! Boo who? Don't cry, it's only a joke
Knock knock Who's there? Abby. Abby who. A bee has stolen my wallet. (I will show my self out)
Knock knock Who's there? Abby. Abby who. A bee has stolen my wallet. (I will show my self out)
Knock knock! **Who's there?** *Tank* **Tank who?** *You're welcome*
Knock knock! **Who's there?** *Tank* **Tank who?** *You're welcome*
KNOCK KNOCK! WHO'S THERE! ***sombrero **** ^sombrero who,,,? *****SOMBRERO VER THE RAINBOW****
KNOCK KNOCK! WHO'S THERE! ***sombrero **** ^sombrero who,,,? *****SOMBRERO VER THE RAINBOW****
Knock knock. Who's there? A cow. A cow who? Not a cow "who"! A cow moos. An owl says "who".
Knock knock. Who's there? A cow. A cow who? Not a cow "who"! A cow moos. An owl says "who".
Knock knock. Who's there? Doorbell technician.
Knock knock. Who's there? Doorbell technician.
Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting cow. Interrup........ MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! [Works best IRL](/spoiler)
Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting cow. Interrup........ MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! [Works best IRL](/spoiler)
Knock knock... "Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Control Freak now you say 'Control Freak who?'" :)
Knock knock... "Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Control Freak now you say 'Control Freak who?'" :)
Knock Knock... 1.Knock knock. Whos there? Yoda lady. Yoda lady who? Good job yodeling! 2.Knock knock. Whos there? Well, not your parents, because your parents never knock!
Knock Knock... 1.Knock knock. Whos there? Yoda lady. Yoda lady who? Good job yodeling! 2.Knock knock. Whos there? Well, not your parents, because your parents never knock!
Knock knock... Who's there? I did up. I did up who?
Knock knock... Who's there? I did up. I did up who?
Knock, Knock... Who's there? Peas. Peas who? *Peas pass the butter*
Knock, Knock... Who's there? Peas. Peas who? *Peas pass the butter*
Knock, Knock... Who's there? The K.G.B. The K.G.B. wh... **SLAP**! WE are K.G.B., WE will ask questions!!
Knock, Knock... Who's there? The K.G.B. The K.G.B. wh... **SLAP**! WE are K.G.B., WE will ask questions!!
Knock! Knock! Knock! Knock! Whos there? Control Freak. Con Okay, now you say, Control Freak who?
Knock! Knock! Knock! Knock! Whos there? Control Freak. Con Okay, now you say, Control Freak who?
Like most people my age... I'm 27.
Like most people my age... I'm 27.
Linuxmint 13 or 15 question why does 13 have lts and not newer versions?
Linuxmint 13 or 15 question why does 13 have lts and not newer versions?
Makeup beauty Omg = oh my girl so cute next morning without makeup Omg = ohh My God omg/omg = life without wife
Makeup beauty Omg = oh my girl so cute next morning without makeup Omg = ohh My God omg/omg = life without wife
Mary had a little lamb. She's not a vegan anymore.
Mary had a little lamb. She's not a vegan anymore.
Math problem: I had 10 chocolate bars and ate 9. What do I have now? "Oh, I do not know, DIABETES MAYBE!"
Math problem: I had 10 chocolate bars and ate 9. What do I have now? "Oh, I do not know, DIABETES MAYBE!"
Max wondered why the ball was slowly growing larger... and then it hit him.
Max wondered why the ball was slowly growing larger... and then it hit him.
Mints I was eating mint chocolates and I felt sick after eight.
Mints I was eating mint chocolates and I felt sick after eight.
Mom asked if I wanted to race toy cars with my neighbor Chucky. I responded, "Nah, that's child's play."
Mom asked if I wanted to race toy cars with my neighbor Chucky. I responded, "Nah, that's child's play."
More retailers should adopt the "Leave A Penny / Take A Penny" system. It is literally, common cents.
More retailers should adopt the "Leave A Penny / Take A Penny" system. It is literally, common cents.
My "go to" zoo joke I tell this to my wife and kids every time we go to a zoo... Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? A. Elephino
My "go to" zoo joke I tell this to my wife and kids every time we go to a zoo... Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? A. Elephino
My biggest problem with passive smoking is having to follow the smoker around.
My biggest problem with passive smoking is having to follow the smoker around.
My brother said he's incontinent. Yeah, he said he's wet his pants in nearly every nation in the world.
My brother said he's incontinent. Yeah, he said he's wet his pants in nearly every nation in the world.
My brother... Likes driving black and white F1 race cars. They call him the F1 racist.
My brother... Likes driving black and white F1 race cars. They call him the F1 racist.
My Bucket List * ~~Five gallon bucket~~ * ~~Mop bucket~~ * Bucket hat
My Bucket List * ~~Five gallon bucket~~ * ~~Mop bucket~~ * Bucket hat
My buddy said he'd give his right arm to be ambidextrous I can only admire such dedication.
My buddy said he'd give his right arm to be ambidextrous I can only admire such dedication.
My buddy says he is the world's worst at self deprecating humor. he worried once he was too modest. Then realized he was wrong.
My buddy says he is the world's worst at self deprecating humor. he worried once he was too modest. Then realized he was wrong.
My buddy the hacker took the quiz "What Beatles song best describes your life." The answer he got: "My Way".
My buddy the hacker took the quiz "What Beatles song best describes your life." The answer he got: "My Way".
My buddy went to a foreign country to get his sex change operation. Now he's a dude who's abroad.
My buddy went to a foreign country to get his sex change operation. Now he's a dude who's abroad.
My dad's not an alcoholic... ...He just collects empty bottles, sounds so much better, doesn't it? ~ Stewart Francis
My dad's not an alcoholic... ...He just collects empty bottles, sounds so much better, doesn't it? ~ Stewart Francis
My daughter hit me with this one while preparing for dinner Why did the table love playing volleyball? Because it was always getting set! I think she gets it from her mother.
My daughter hit me with this one while preparing for dinner Why did the table love playing volleyball? Because it was always getting set! I think she gets it from her mother.
My dental hygienist retired after working 55 years... All she got was a lousy plaque...
My dental hygienist retired after working 55 years... All she got was a lousy plaque...
My dog chewed up my laptop... I guess he wanted a byte to eat! ^imagine ^this ^in ^zoidberg's ^voice
My dog chewed up my laptop... I guess he wanted a byte to eat! ^imagine ^this ^in ^zoidberg's ^voice
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
My English teacher got really angry about the format of my essay. It wasn't justified.
My English teacher got really angry about the format of my essay. It wasn't justified.
My finger became really swollen after I jammed it Friday. And thats how I found out Im allergic to jam.
My finger became really swollen after I jammed it Friday. And thats how I found out Im allergic to jam.
My first job... My first job out of college was a "diesel fitter" at a pantyhose factory... As they came off the line, I would hold them up and say, "Yep, deez'll fit her!"
My first job... My first job out of college was a "diesel fitter" at a pantyhose factory... As they came off the line, I would hold them up and say, "Yep, deez'll fit her!"
My first joke here and an original! Did you hear about the two lawyers who set up shop under the old oak tree? I heard it was a pretty shady business.
My first joke here and an original! Did you hear about the two lawyers who set up shop under the old oak tree? I heard it was a pretty shady business.
My friend gave me a balloon and told me not to pop it.. but I blew it!
My friend gave me a balloon and told me not to pop it.. but I blew it!
My friend says she's doing good but she means well
My friend says she's doing good but she means well
My friend told an out of place joke about police searches. But I don't think it was warranted.
My friend told an out of place joke about police searches. But I don't think it was warranted.
My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
My girl asks why I love chocolate so much. Well, I have several Reisens...
My girl asks why I love chocolate so much. Well, I have several Reisens...
My Girlfriend told me she didn't want anything for Birthday I didn't give her anything :O #ThugLife
My Girlfriend told me she didn't want anything for Birthday I didn't give her anything :O #ThugLife
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer... I said, No, wait! I can change!
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer... I said, No, wait! I can change!
My grandma refused to be an organ donor. She was buried with all of her musical instruments.
My grandma refused to be an organ donor. She was buried with all of her musical instruments.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60... Now hes 97 years old and we have no idea where he is...
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60... Now hes 97 years old and we have no idea where he is...
My laptop is so dumb. Every time it says "Your password is incorrect", I type in: "incorrect" and the silly thing still tells me the same thing.
My laptop is so dumb. Every time it says "Your password is incorrect", I type in: "incorrect" and the silly thing still tells me the same thing.
My old roommate's bathroom was so dirty I had to clean the soap before using it. (Seriously.)
My old roommate's bathroom was so dirty I had to clean the soap before using it. (Seriously.)
My plumber finally quit on me... He couldn't take any more of my crap. Sorry that this isn't a CLEAN joke. Heh
My plumber finally quit on me... He couldn't take any more of my crap. Sorry that this isn't a CLEAN joke. Heh
My relationship is like Monopoly. She gives me too many Chances.
My relationship is like Monopoly. She gives me too many Chances.
My shower had a bit of mildew but all it took was a little... scrubbing!!!
My shower had a bit of mildew but all it took was a little... scrubbing!!!
My son decided to help me clean the car today. After ten minutes of watching him, I told him to use some elbow grease. Two hours later, the idiot came back and told me that he couldn't find it.
My son decided to help me clean the car today. After ten minutes of watching him, I told him to use some elbow grease. Two hours later, the idiot came back and told me that he couldn't find it.
My teacher's nickname in school is Flush. He always has the same suit.
My teacher's nickname in school is Flush. He always has the same suit.
My uncle wanted to give all his sheep a sex change... But it entailed too many ramifications!
My uncle wanted to give all his sheep a sex change... But it entailed too many ramifications!
Need help While scratching my ear with key few hours ago, audio on my brand new TV went off. Does anyone know good TV Service. Sh... I think my Laptop sound died too.
Need help While scratching my ear with key few hours ago, audio on my brand new TV went off. Does anyone know good TV Service. Sh... I think my Laptop sound died too.
Never play poker with a pieces of paper. They're bound to fold.
Never play poker with a pieces of paper. They're bound to fold.
Never trust an atom They make up everything
Never trust an atom They make up everything
Never try to kill a termite with a napkin. It'll only get bigger.
Never try to kill a termite with a napkin. It'll only get bigger.
New Internet acronym: RALSHMICOMN Rolling Around Laughing So Hard Milk Is Coming Out My Nose
New Internet acronym: RALSHMICOMN Rolling Around Laughing So Hard Milk Is Coming Out My Nose
Nickelback walks into a bar.... So Nickelback walks into a bar, and there is no punchline, because ruining music isn't funny.
Nickelback walks into a bar.... So Nickelback walks into a bar, and there is no punchline, because ruining music isn't funny.
No matter how much you push the envelope... ...it's still stationery.
No matter how much you push the envelope... ...it's still stationery.
No matter what anyone said, I was never going to take the stand. It's 1000 pages, for Pete's sake!
No matter what anyone said, I was never going to take the stand. It's 1000 pages, for Pete's sake!
Noah wasn't much for civilized society . . . You could say he was an arc ist.
Noah wasn't much for civilized society . . . You could say he was an arc ist.
Note for Santa Dear Santa, Please give me a big fat bank account and a slim body. Please don't mix those two up like you did last year. Thanks.
Note for Santa Dear Santa, Please give me a big fat bank account and a slim body. Please don't mix those two up like you did last year. Thanks.
Old Chinese proverb: Man who not shower in 7 days makes one reek.
Old Chinese proverb: Man who not shower in 7 days makes one reek.
Old game show bloopers...I miss this kind of humor today Found this video randomly http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xv3gK2bmkAk&feature=related
Old game show bloopers...I miss this kind of humor today Found this video randomly http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xv3gK2bmkAk&feature=related
One Eskimo said to the other, "Where is your mother from?" The second Eskimo says "Alaska."
One Eskimo said to the other, "Where is your mother from?" The second Eskimo says "Alaska."
One fifth of people... ...are just too tense!
One fifth of people... ...are just too tense!
One potato asks another: "Are you sure we are related?" "Yes I yam!"
One potato asks another: "Are you sure we are related?" "Yes I yam!"
One time we ran out of soap so we had to use hand sanitizer!!!
One time we ran out of soap so we had to use hand sanitizer!!!
One time, a cow saved my life It was bovine intervention.
One time, a cow saved my life It was bovine intervention.
Original physics joke. I'm very proud. I was organizing my desk the other day and the Entropy Police gave me a ticket for disturbing the chaos.
Original physics joke. I'm very proud. I was organizing my desk the other day and the Entropy Police gave me a ticket for disturbing the chaos.
Other uses for chloroform 1) A great conversational piece when talking to the cops about using it 2) Make the day go by faster 3) And finally, as a reagent.
Other uses for chloroform 1) A great conversational piece when talking to the cops about using it 2) Make the day go by faster 3) And finally, as a reagent.
Overheard: Augustus Caesar on New Year's Day: "I keep writing 'B.C.' on all my checks."
Overheard: Augustus Caesar on New Year's Day: "I keep writing 'B.C.' on all my checks."
Overheated some milk in a lab experiment today... ...and asked the teacher if it would affect the result. Her response? "To a degree."
Overheated some milk in a lab experiment today... ...and asked the teacher if it would affect the result. Her response? "To a degree."
Pac Man What should you do before you criticize Pac Man? WAKA WAKA WAKA mile in his shoes.
Pac Man What should you do before you criticize Pac Man? WAKA WAKA WAKA mile in his shoes.
Passwords 123456 abcdef Password
Passwords 123456 abcdef Password
People dont like having to bend over to get their drinks... We really need to raise the bar.
People dont like having to bend over to get their drinks... We really need to raise the bar.
Pick up line for a Shakespeare lover. How now brown chicken brown cow?
Pick up line for a Shakespeare lover. How now brown chicken brown cow?
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes? A: No eye deer (No idea) Q: What do you call a quadriplegic deer with no eyes? A: Still, no eye deer. (Still no idea)
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes? A: No eye deer (No idea) Q: What do you call a quadriplegic deer with no eyes? A: Still, no eye deer. (Still no idea)
Q) What do you call a group of 8 rabbits? A) Rabbyte!
Q) What do you call a group of 8 rabbits? A) Rabbyte!
Q)What will you call a person who sleeps next to a close relative? A) NapKin
Q)What will you call a person who sleeps next to a close relative? A) NapKin
Reinventing Yourself http://dryinginside.blogspot.com/2012/10/reinventing yourself doesnt always work.html
Reinventing Yourself http://dryinginside.blogspot.com/2012/10/reinventing yourself doesnt always work.html
Request: Jokes for the sick? I have a good friend who was just hospitalized, hopefully nothing too serious. I'd love to send him a few short, clean jokes to cheer him up. Thanks!
Request: Jokes for the sick? I have a good friend who was just hospitalized, hopefully nothing too serious. I'd love to send him a few short, clean jokes to cheer him up. Thanks!
Saitama tried to change his Facebook password to Goku but Facebook said it was too weak...
Saitama tried to change his Facebook password to Goku but Facebook said it was too weak...
Santa keeps his suits in the clauset.
Santa keeps his suits in the clauset.
Says she: "Say something soft and sweet" Says he: "Marshmallow."
Says she: "Say something soft and sweet" Says he: "Marshmallow."
Scary Halloween Joke **Person 1:** Knock knock! **Person 2:** Who's there? **Person 1:** A GHOST!!!
Scary Halloween Joke **Person 1:** Knock knock! **Person 2:** Who's there? **Person 1:** A GHOST!!!
Schooner or later, sailors... ...engage in rudder nonsense.
Schooner or later, sailors... ...engage in rudder nonsense.
Science joke The bartender says "we don't serve your kind here" He orders a drink A Tachyon walks into a bar Who wants to hear a Tachyon joke?
Science joke The bartender says "we don't serve your kind here" He orders a drink A Tachyon walks into a bar Who wants to hear a Tachyon joke?
Science Jokes Thread on AskReddit! For your amusement: http://en.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1auxsf/what are some funny scientific jokes that you know/
Science Jokes Thread on AskReddit! For your amusement: http://en.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1auxsf/what are some funny scientific jokes that you know/
Seven days without a joke makes one weak.
Seven days without a joke makes one weak.
Shall I tell you the joke about the body snatchers? Best not, you might get carried away.
Shall I tell you the joke about the body snatchers? Best not, you might get carried away.
Shout out to... ...baseball players who have three strikes.
Shout out to... ...baseball players who have three strikes.
So a polar bear walks into a bar... and says, "I'll have a gin.....and tonic" The bartender says, "What's with the big pause?" And the polar bear says, "Oh, I've always had them."
So a polar bear walks into a bar... and says, "I'll have a gin.....and tonic" The bartender says, "What's with the big pause?" And the polar bear says, "Oh, I've always had them."
So I was feeling down the other day... My friend wanted to cheer me up, so he told me 10 jokes to make me feel better. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
So I was feeling down the other day... My friend wanted to cheer me up, so he told me 10 jokes to make me feel better. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
So I work in a Steak House and all the people there are really lazy So I must say after working there: That it's rare to see a job well done
So I work in a Steak House and all the people there are really lazy So I must say after working there: That it's rare to see a job well done
So today is Earth day on what grounds are we celebrating?
So today is Earth day on what grounds are we celebrating?
So today is Star Wars day May the fourth be with you!
So today is Star Wars day May the fourth be with you!
So, a guy gave his friend 10 puns, hoping that one of them would make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
So, a guy gave his friend 10 puns, hoping that one of them would make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
So, I have this new knock knock joke You start... (when you get it)
So, I have this new knock knock joke You start... (when you get it)
Soap addiction I used to be addicted to soap. But I'm clean now!!
Soap addiction I used to be addicted to soap. But I'm clean now!!
Some people have trouble sleeping... ...but I can do it with my eyes closed...
Some people have trouble sleeping... ...but I can do it with my eyes closed...
Someone dropped their Scrabble in the middle of the road... ...that's the word on the street anyway.
Someone dropped their Scrabble in the middle of the road... ...that's the word on the street anyway.
Someone sly sheared sleeping sheep. Talk about shear terror.
Someone sly sheared sleeping sheep. Talk about shear terror.
Someone talked to me today about having two X chromosomes. Typical woman.
Someone talked to me today about having two X chromosomes. Typical woman.
Sports: So how's the shoestring game goin'? Right now, it's ***ALL TIED UP!*** Oh my oh my! I couldn't find a cornylamejokes subreddit, so... ~Skip
Sports: So how's the shoestring game goin'? Right now, it's ***ALL TIED UP!*** Oh my oh my! I couldn't find a cornylamejokes subreddit, so... ~Skip
Starcraft: Why did the marine vote for the dragoon? He was Protoss
Starcraft: Why did the marine vote for the dragoon? He was Protoss
Superman and Eyore had a baby. The baby's name? Supereyore
Superman and Eyore had a baby. The baby's name? Supereyore
Tasted the best Borscht ever! It'll be hard to beet.
Tasted the best Borscht ever! It'll be hard to beet.
The cheesiest joke ever. "I don't feel grate." Block of Cheese before it got shredded.
The cheesiest joke ever. "I don't feel grate." Block of Cheese before it got shredded.
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza store... and says, "Can you make me one with everything?"
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza store... and says, "Can you make me one with everything?"
The fast food restaurant for babies. "Welcome to Gerber King, may I take your order?"
The fast food restaurant for babies. "Welcome to Gerber King, may I take your order?"
The Fine Bros. 'React' announcement was like a television with no antenna. Poor reception.
The Fine Bros. 'React' announcement was like a television with no antenna. Poor reception.
The Great Yarn Race **Joe:** Did you hear about the great yarn race? **Jane:** No. Who won? **Joe:** Well, they had to weave their selves through the obstacles and in the end, it was a tie.
The Great Yarn Race **Joe:** Did you hear about the great yarn race? **Jane:** No. Who won? **Joe:** Well, they had to weave their selves through the obstacles and in the end, it was a tie.
The hairdresser's oath First, harm no 'do...
The hairdresser's oath First, harm no 'do...
The hole in the boat So two guys steal a boat and get drunk. Kane of them goes "Hey, there is a hole in this boat". The other says "don't worry it's not ours".
The hole in the boat So two guys steal a boat and get drunk. Kane of them goes "Hey, there is a hole in this boat". The other says "don't worry it's not ours".
The joke of 2016 Trump
The joke of 2016 Trump
The only one of its kind on this sub Want to hear a dirty joke? horse fell in the mud!
The only one of its kind on this sub Want to hear a dirty joke? horse fell in the mud!
The other day, I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow... I called her up and asked, ''Did you get my drift?''
The other day, I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow... I called her up and asked, ''Did you get my drift?''
The other day, I was looking through my socks, when I found one had a hole in it... "darn it..." I muttered.
The other day, I was looking through my socks, when I found one had a hole in it... "darn it..." I muttered.
The pollen count that's a difficult job! [Credit to Milton Jones]
The pollen count that's a difficult job! [Credit to Milton Jones]
The preacher today used Star Wars as a sermon illustration. I felt it was a little forced.
The preacher today used Star Wars as a sermon illustration. I felt it was a little forced.
The scientists a scientist went to a remote island with a dog in order to teach his speaking. Three years later, the scientist returns, and is asked about his experiment; he replied "woof, woof, woof"
The scientists a scientist went to a remote island with a dog in order to teach his speaking. Three years later, the scientist returns, and is asked about his experiment; he replied "woof, woof, woof"
The signature dish of a restaurant called the Twisted Rooster: Mobius Chicken Strips.
The signature dish of a restaurant called the Twisted Rooster: Mobius Chicken Strips.
The three unwritten rules of /r/cleanjokes are: 1. 2. 3.
The three unwritten rules of /r/cleanjokes are: 1. 2. 3.
The victim's body was found in the kitchen surrounded by eight empty boxes of cornflakes. Police suspect it was the work of a serial killer.
The victim's body was found in the kitchen surrounded by eight empty boxes of cornflakes. Police suspect it was the work of a serial killer.
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary code and those who do not.
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary code and those who do not.
There are three types of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't.
There are three types of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't.
There are two types of people in this world 1. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
There are two types of people in this world 1. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
There is a special species of bird that is really good at holding stuff together... They're called velcrows.
There is a special species of bird that is really good at holding stuff together... They're called velcrows.
There once was a girl from Nantucket... Who carried her ice in a bucket. She walked down a hill. She had a great spill. And when she got up, she said, "I'm going to watch my step next time!"
There once was a girl from Nantucket... Who carried her ice in a bucket. She walked down a hill. She had a great spill. And when she got up, she said, "I'm going to watch my step next time!"
There once was a jealous zombie... But he ate his heart out.
There once was a jealous zombie... But he ate his heart out.
There was a depressed sausage... he thought his life was THE WURST.
There was a depressed sausage... he thought his life was THE WURST.
There were two flies sitting on a toilet seat... one got pissed off.
There were two flies sitting on a toilet seat... one got pissed off.
There were two snowmen standing in a field, one says to the other... Can you smell Carrots?
There were two snowmen standing in a field, one says to the other... Can you smell Carrots?
There's 10 kind of people in the world. Those who know binary and those who don't.
There's 10 kind of people in the world. Those who know binary and those who don't.
There's a guy at the office today wearing full camo. At least I think so... I haven't seen him in a while.
There's a guy at the office today wearing full camo. At least I think so... I haven't seen him in a while.
There's a TV channel where you can buy all the Pope's speeches It's called "Papal View".
There's a TV channel where you can buy all the Pope's speeches It's called "Papal View".
There's a wreath hanging on my door with hundred dollar bills attached. I call it an Aretha Franklin. c:
There's a wreath hanging on my door with hundred dollar bills attached. I call it an Aretha Franklin. c:
There's only one problem with reading articles about space based technology It all goes waaaay over my head.
There's only one problem with reading articles about space based technology It all goes waaaay over my head.
They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, no ones laughing now.
They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, no ones laughing now.
They told me I had type "A" blood... turns out it was a typo.
They told me I had type "A" blood... turns out it was a typo.
This boy said he was going to hit me with the neck of a guitar.... I said, Is that a fret?
This boy said he was going to hit me with the neck of a guitar.... I said, Is that a fret?
This dermatologist waits a month to diagnose a skin disorder... She's reluctant to make a rash decision.
This dermatologist waits a month to diagnose a skin disorder... She's reluctant to make a rash decision.
This is 2 girls with 1 cup. [A.K.A. Friends At (a) Cafe Bar](http://www.gettyimages.com/detail/photo/friends at cafe bar high res stock photography/156534295)
This is 2 girls with 1 cup. [A.K.A. Friends At (a) Cafe Bar](http://www.gettyimages.com/detail/photo/friends at cafe bar high res stock photography/156534295)
This is an X and Z conversation... Y are you in the middle?
This is an X and Z conversation... Y are you in the middle?
This mallard waddled into a bar... Should've ducked.
This mallard waddled into a bar... Should've ducked.
This Post just says it all! It all.
This Post just says it all! It all.
This summer I'm going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say, 'Get a life' on them. Demetri Martin
This summer I'm going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say, 'Get a life' on them. Demetri Martin
Three drums and a cymbal rolled down a hill ba dum dum ching
Three drums and a cymbal rolled down a hill ba dum dum ching
Three tomatoes are walking down the street... A papa tomato, a mama tomato, and a baby tomato. The baby tomato starts falling behind so the papa tomato squishes him and says, Ketchup!
Three tomatoes are walking down the street... A papa tomato, a mama tomato, and a baby tomato. The baby tomato starts falling behind so the papa tomato squishes him and says, Ketchup!
Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like... bananas!
Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like... bananas!
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
Today I'm 45. But with the wind chill I feel like 32.
Today I'm 45. But with the wind chill I feel like 32.
Today, the doctor told me that the bottom of my heart has stopped functioning. My girlfriend will be disappointed; that's the part I loved her from.
Today, the doctor told me that the bottom of my heart has stopped functioning. My girlfriend will be disappointed; that's the part I loved her from.
Today's my cake day! And I'm going to eat it too!
Today's my cake day! And I'm going to eat it too!
Totally original joke/first post: What do you get when you play a Frank Sinatra record at twice the speed? "Shrank Sinatra"
Totally original joke/first post: What do you get when you play a Frank Sinatra record at twice the speed? "Shrank Sinatra"
TV playback craziness [Through the eyes of Adrienne Hedger](https://www.facebook.com/HedgerHumor/photos/pb.630201143662377. 2207520000.1443863939./1179935295355623/?type=3&theater). :)
TV playback craziness [Through the eyes of Adrienne Hedger](https://www.facebook.com/HedgerHumor/photos/pb.630201143662377. 2207520000.1443863939./1179935295355623/?type=3&theater). :)
Two antennas met on a roof . . . Two antennas met on a roof, they fell in love and got married, the ceremony was awful but the reception was brilliant.
Two antennas met on a roof . . . Two antennas met on a roof, they fell in love and got married, the ceremony was awful but the reception was brilliant.
Two artists had an art contest... It ended in a draw
Two artists had an art contest... It ended in a draw
Two atoms walk into a bar... One says, "Oh no, I've lost an electron." The other asks, "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
Two atoms walk into a bar... One says, "Oh no, I've lost an electron." The other asks, "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
Two balloons are floating across the desert One balloon says to the other, Look out for the cactussssssssssssssssssss!
Two balloons are floating across the desert One balloon says to the other, Look out for the cactussssssssssssssssssss!
Two birds are sitting on a perch. One bird says to the other, "Do you smell fish?"
Two birds are sitting on a perch. One bird says to the other, "Do you smell fish?"
Two bookworms were having a dispute... ...across an open book until one bookworm moves closer to the other and says, "well then, I'm glad we're on the same page."
Two bookworms were having a dispute... ...across an open book until one bookworm moves closer to the other and says, "well then, I'm glad we're on the same page."
Two chimps are in the bath One says "ooh oooh eek eek" The other one says "well put some cold water in then!"
Two chimps are in the bath One says "ooh oooh eek eek" The other one says "well put some cold water in then!"
Two competing podiatrists opened offices next door to each other... They were arch enemies. Edit: Spelling
Two competing podiatrists opened offices next door to each other... They were arch enemies. Edit: Spelling
Two dogs are going on a walk down the street They walk past a few parking meters and one dog says to the other, "Hey, check it out! Pay toilets!"
Two dogs are going on a walk down the street They walk past a few parking meters and one dog says to the other, "Hey, check it out! Pay toilets!"
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... ba dum tss
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... ba dum tss
Two fish are in a tank... Two fish are in a tank... First one says: I'll drive! Second one says: "I'll man the guns!"
Two fish are in a tank... Two fish are in a tank... First one says: I'll drive! Second one says: "I'll man the guns!"
Two fish in a tank Fish 1:Uh, Greg? Fish 2:What Fish 1:How do we drive this thing
Two fish in a tank Fish 1:Uh, Greg? Fish 2:What Fish 1:How do we drive this thing
Two fish in a tank. [x post from r/Jokes] One asks: How do you drive this thing?
Two fish in a tank. [x post from r/Jokes] One asks: How do you drive this thing?
Two guys walk into a bar... the third one ducks.
Two guys walk into a bar... the third one ducks.
Two horses are standing in a field. "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse" Says the first. "Moo!" says the second
Two horses are standing in a field. "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse" Says the first. "Moo!" says the second
Two peanuts were walking down the street.... And one of them was assaulted
Two peanuts were walking down the street.... And one of them was assaulted
Two pretzels.. Two pretzels went walking down the street, one was "assaulted"
Two pretzels.. Two pretzels went walking down the street, one was "assaulted"
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Two wrongs don't make a right... but three lefts make a right. And two Wrights make a plane 6 lefts make a plane.
Two wrongs don't make a right... but three lefts make a right. And two Wrights make a plane 6 lefts make a plane.
Velcro What a rip off. Joke by Tim Vine.
Velcro What a rip off. Joke by Tim Vine.
Wanna hear a construction joke? I'm working on it.
Wanna hear a construction joke? I'm working on it.
Wanna hear a dirty joke? A white horse fell in a mud puddle.
Wanna hear a dirty joke? A white horse fell in a mud puddle.
Wanna hear a dirty joke? A white horse fell in the mud.
Wanna hear a dirty joke? A white horse fell in the mud.
Wanna hear a dirty joke? Two white stallions fell in the mud.
Wanna hear a dirty joke? Two white stallions fell in the mud.
Wanna hear a joke about Nitric Oxide ? NO
Wanna hear a joke about Nitric Oxide ? NO
Wanna hear a joke about unemployed people? Nevermind, they don't work.
Wanna hear a joke about unemployed people? Nevermind, they don't work.
Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke? Joke joke jooooke!
Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke? Joke joke jooooke!
Want to hear a clean Joke? Johnny took a bath with bubbles. Want to hear a dirty one? Bubbles is a man
Want to hear a clean Joke? Johnny took a bath with bubbles. Want to hear a dirty one? Bubbles is a man
Want to hear a dirty joke? This boy trips and falls into some mud.
Want to hear a dirty joke? This boy trips and falls into some mud.
Want to hear a joke about a crappy restaurant? Nevermind, I'm afraid it may be in poor taste.
Want to hear a joke about a crappy restaurant? Nevermind, I'm afraid it may be in poor taste.
Want to hear a joke about pizza? Never mind it is too cheesy.
Want to hear a joke about pizza? Never mind it is too cheesy.
Want to hear a joke about pizza? Never mind, it's probably too cheesy.
Want to hear a joke about pizza? Never mind, it's probably too cheesy.
Was going to make a joke about science but I know for I wont get a reaction...
Was going to make a joke about science but I know for I wont get a reaction...
Wash the alligator clips with rubbing alcohol during flu season Protect yourself from catching a terminal illness.
Wash the alligator clips with rubbing alcohol during flu season Protect yourself from catching a terminal illness.
We always bought our cars used, this one was as black as the night that is, until we washed it!!!
We always bought our cars used, this one was as black as the night that is, until we washed it!!!
We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here, says the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.
We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here, says the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.
We now have TWO Wawa's by the interstate. The one on the east side of I4 is not so bad. But the other one, whoa. It's the Wawa West over there.
We now have TWO Wawa's by the interstate. The one on the east side of I4 is not so bad. But the other one, whoa. It's the Wawa West over there.
What age were pigs discovered in? The Saus Age.
What age were pigs discovered in? The Saus Age.
What animal is best at hitting a baseball? A bat!
What animal is best at hitting a baseball? A bat!
What are caterpillars afraid of? DOGerpillars!
What are caterpillars afraid of? DOGerpillars!
What are twins favorite fruits? Pears
What are twins favorite fruits? Pears
What are two doctors with colds An ironic Paradox.
What are two doctors with colds An ironic Paradox.
What begins with E, ends with E, and has one letter? envelope
What begins with E, ends with E, and has one letter? envelope
What bird can write underwater? A ball point Penguin!
What bird can write underwater? A ball point Penguin!
What cars do cows drive? Cattleacs
What cars do cows drive? Cattleacs
What cars do wolves drive? Auuuuuuuuuuuuudis!
What cars do wolves drive? Auuuuuuuuuuuuudis!
What celebrity never payed with a cheque or credit? Johnny Cash.
What celebrity never payed with a cheque or credit? Johnny Cash.
What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree? Camembert!
What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree? Camembert!
What city loves to eat sandwiches? Koldcutta
What city loves to eat sandwiches? Koldcutta
What colour T shirt would win a race? Red, because it runs the most.
What colour T shirt would win a race? Red, because it runs the most.
What di you call a snowman in may? A puddle!
What di you call a snowman in may? A puddle!
What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt!
What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt!
What did aged mother cheddar say to her son the day of school photos? Looking sharp.
What did aged mother cheddar say to her son the day of school photos? Looking sharp.
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say upon being asked to star in a Broadway production about the world's greatest composers? I'll be Bach. Sorry.
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say upon being asked to star in a Broadway production about the world's greatest composers? I'll be Bach. Sorry.
What did batman say to robin before robin got in the car? get in the car
What did batman say to robin before robin got in the car? get in the car
What did Captain Ahab say when he harpooned a whale's tail fin on the first try? "Well that was a fluke."
What did Captain Ahab say when he harpooned a whale's tail fin on the first try? "Well that was a fluke."
What did Cholera say to Malaria? Are you gonna Jaundice on Saturday?
What did Cholera say to Malaria? Are you gonna Jaundice on Saturday?
What did Cinderella say while waiting for her photos? Someday my prints will come
What did Cinderella say while waiting for her photos? Someday my prints will come
What did daddy fish do when mommy fish got herself lost? ...He flounder
What did daddy fish do when mommy fish got herself lost? ...He flounder
What Did Delaware? A brand New Jersey!
What Did Delaware? A brand New Jersey!
What did Descartes say while shopping online? I think therefore I Amazon
What did Descartes say while shopping online? I think therefore I Amazon
What did earth say to the other planets? You guys have no life!
What did earth say to the other planets? You guys have no life!
What did Ernie say to Bert when he asked for ice cream? Sure, Bert!
What did Ernie say to Bert when he asked for ice cream? Sure, Bert!
What did fish say when she hit the wall ? Dam(n) !!!
What did fish say when she hit the wall ? Dam(n) !!!
What did music tell the pancakes? B flat.
What did music tell the pancakes? B flat.
What did one casket say to the other? "Is that you coffin?"
What did one casket say to the other? "Is that you coffin?"
What did one computer CPU say to the other after getting hit? Ow! That megahertz!
What did one computer CPU say to the other after getting hit? Ow! That megahertz!
What did one dry erase marker say to the other? I'm bored! (As in board) Another one from my 9 year old.
What did one dry erase marker say to the other? I'm bored! (As in board) Another one from my 9 year old.
What did one duck say to the other? Quack!
What did one duck say to the other? Quack!
What did one frog say to the other frog? Time's fun when you're having flies.
What did one frog say to the other frog? Time's fun when you're having flies.
What did one frog say to the other? Time's fun when you're having flies.
What did one frog say to the other? Time's fun when you're having flies.
What did one math book say to the other math book? We've got a lot of problems.
What did one math book say to the other math book? We've got a lot of problems.
What did one math book say to the other? Don't bother me; I've got my own *problems!*
What did one math book say to the other? Don't bother me; I've got my own *problems!*
What did one nose say when the other nose said "I love you"? "Back achoo!"
What did one nose say when the other nose said "I love you"? "Back achoo!"
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
What did one ocean say to the other? Nothing, they just waved.
What did one ocean say to the other? Nothing, they just waved.
What did one octopus say to the other octopus? Will you hold my hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand?
What did one octopus say to the other octopus? Will you hold my hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand?
What did one slice of bread say to the other at the end of a game of chess? "It's stale, mate."
What did one slice of bread say to the other at the end of a game of chess? "It's stale, mate."
What did one snowman say to the other snowman? 'Do you smell carrots?'
What did one snowman say to the other snowman? 'Do you smell carrots?'
What did one snowman say to the other? Do you smell carrots?
What did one snowman say to the other? Do you smell carrots?
What did one wall say to the other wall? I`ll meet you at the corner.
What did one wall say to the other wall? I`ll meet you at the corner.
What did papa butter say to troublesome son butter? You had *butter* behave now, alright son? I sure know you don't want to get *whipped*!
What did papa butter say to troublesome son butter? You had *butter* behave now, alright son? I sure know you don't want to get *whipped*!
What did Sean Connery say when his books fell on his head? I blame my shelf
What did Sean Connery say when his books fell on his head? I blame my shelf
What did socrates learn from the T rex? i dino
What did socrates learn from the T rex? i dino
What did Tennessee? What Arkansas.
What did Tennessee? What Arkansas.
What did the 0 say to the 8? ... Hey, nice belt..
What did the 0 say to the 8? ... Hey, nice belt..
What did the 0 say to the 8? Let's make a snowman!
What did the 0 say to the 8? Let's make a snowman!
What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!
What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!
What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.
What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.
What did the 8 say to the 0? Hey, fatty
What did the 8 say to the 0? Hey, fatty
What did the amazed Kazakhstani say? That's Astana shing
What did the amazed Kazakhstani say? That's Astana shing
What did the American call Karl Marx when a shrine was dedicated to him in Japan? A Kami.
What did the American call Karl Marx when a shrine was dedicated to him in Japan? A Kami.
What did the apple say to the pear? [Man, go] away!
What did the apple say to the pear? [Man, go] away!
What did the bartender say to the jumper cables? You better not try to start anything.
What did the bartender say to the jumper cables? You better not try to start anything.
What did the blonde do when she discovered that most accidents happen within a mile from home? She moved.
What did the blonde do when she discovered that most accidents happen within a mile from home? She moved.
What did the blue denims say to the black denims? I guess we have different genes! *knee slap* ... I'll see myself to the door
What did the blue denims say to the black denims? I guess we have different genes! *knee slap* ... I'll see myself to the door
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
What did the Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.
What did the Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison
What did the Buffalo say when his child left for college? Bison
What did the Buffalo say when his child left for college? Bison
What did the bunny say to the frog? [My name is Rabbit, not ribbit!!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYkDxsaHlkg)
What did the bunny say to the frog? [My name is Rabbit, not ribbit!!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYkDxsaHlkg)
What did the butcher say when he handed his customer an empty pack of hotdogs on halloween? Happy halloweenie
What did the butcher say when he handed his customer an empty pack of hotdogs on halloween? Happy halloweenie
What did the closed can say to the half opened can? YOU'RE BEING UNCANNY!
What did the closed can say to the half opened can? YOU'RE BEING UNCANNY!
What did the corn say when it was complemented? Aww, shucks!
What did the corn say when it was complemented? Aww, shucks!
What did the creepy scientist say to his new creepy wife? Let's grow MOLD together!
What did the creepy scientist say to his new creepy wife? Let's grow MOLD together!
What did the dad buffalo say when his offspring left for college? Bison
What did the dad buffalo say when his offspring left for college? Bison
What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock? "Look grandpa, no hands!"
What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock? "Look grandpa, no hands!"
What did the elephant say to the horn less rhino? "Rhino horn?"
What did the elephant say to the horn less rhino? "Rhino horn?"
What did the Estonian student say in language class? I'll never Finnish. *dodges tomato*
What did the Estonian student say in language class? I'll never Finnish. *dodges tomato*
What did the eye say to the other eye? Something smells between us.
What did the eye say to the other eye? Something smells between us.
What did the famous musician say the moment he was born? *I'LL BE BACH*
What did the famous musician say the moment he was born? *I'LL BE BACH*
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor?
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor?
What did the figurine say when the boot flew past her protective dome? "That was a cloche call!"
What did the figurine say when the boot flew past her protective dome? "That was a cloche call!"
What did the fish say before he hit the wall? Oh, Dam.
What did the fish say before he hit the wall? Oh, Dam.
What did the fish say when it hit the concrete wall? Dam
What did the fish say when it hit the concrete wall? Dam
What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam
What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam
What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam.
What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam.
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall? Dam
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall? Dam
What did the fish say when it swam into the wall? Dam.
What did the fish say when it swam into the wall? Dam.
What did the flat iron say to the follicle? Now let me get this straight . . .
What did the flat iron say to the follicle? Now let me get this straight . . .
What did the floor say to the desk? I can see your drawers!
What did the floor say to the desk? I can see your drawers!
What did the french butter say when it got stocked in the cooler? Beurre... I came up with this today while grocery shopping. I'm ridiculously pleased with myself.
What did the french butter say when it got stocked in the cooler? Beurre... I came up with this today while grocery shopping. I'm ridiculously pleased with myself.
What did the German air force eat for breakfast during WW2? Luftwaffles
What did the German air force eat for breakfast during WW2? Luftwaffles
What did the German physicist use to drink his beer? Ein stein. From Big Nate, as told by my kid.
What did the German physicist use to drink his beer? Ein stein. From Big Nate, as told by my kid.
What did the German policeman say to his nipples? You are under a vest!
What did the German policeman say to his nipples? You are under a vest!
What did the g**** say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just gave a little wine
What did the g**** say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just gave a little wine
What did the green g**** say to the purple g****? "Breathe, stupid!"
What did the green g**** say to the purple g****? "Breathe, stupid!"
What did the green g**** say to the purple g****? "Breathe you idiot! Breathe!"
What did the green g**** say to the purple g****? "Breathe you idiot! Breathe!"
What did the green light say to the red light? I love you, but I'm sick of yellow light always breaking us up.
What did the green light say to the red light? I love you, but I'm sick of yellow light always breaking us up.
What did the hammer say to the drill? You're too boring.
What did the hammer say to the drill? You're too boring.
What did the horse order at the bar? Chardaneiiiiiiggghhhhh
What did the horse order at the bar? Chardaneiiiiiiggghhhhh
What did the horse say when he fell over? "Help! I've fallen and I can't giddy up."
What did the horse say when he fell over? "Help! I've fallen and I can't giddy up."
What did the host serve his guests for The Simpsons marathon night? Disco Stew!
What did the host serve his guests for The Simpsons marathon night? Disco Stew!
What did the hot dogs name their child? Frank
What did the hot dogs name their child? Frank
What did the Hungarian say to the annoying kid? "You're nothing budapest!"
What did the Hungarian say to the annoying kid? "You're nothing budapest!"
What did the judge ask when he went to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
What did the judge ask when he went to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
What did the knob say to the door? I LOCK you a lot! yep, its corny, indeed, but... I'm tryin'! ~Skip
What did the knob say to the door? I LOCK you a lot! yep, its corny, indeed, but... I'm tryin'! ~Skip
What did the koala bear say to the barber? You ca lip this?
What did the koala bear say to the barber? You ca lip this?
What did the lazy surgeon say to his patient? Suture self!
What did the lazy surgeon say to his patient? Suture self!
What did the llama say when asked to a picnic? Alpaca lunch!
What did the llama say when asked to a picnic? Alpaca lunch!
What did the mailman say when his Mail truck caught fire? That he needed to address the situation
What did the mailman say when his Mail truck caught fire? That he needed to address the situation
What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? (x post from /r/3amjokes) [It's pasture bedtime!](http://www.reddit.com/r/3amjokes/comments/1y8d67/what did the mama cow say to the baby cow/)
What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? (x post from /r/3amjokes) [It's pasture bedtime!](http://www.reddit.com/r/3amjokes/comments/1y8d67/what did the mama cow say to the baby cow/)
What did the mama pig give her baby pig for its rash? ***OINKMENT!*** > (This exchange that I found on /r/tumblr makes this joke even funnier to me: > http://i.imgur.com/EzT0Bkd.jpg)
What did the mama pig give her baby pig for its rash? ***OINKMENT!*** > (This exchange that I found on /r/tumblr makes this joke even funnier to me: > http://i.imgur.com/EzT0Bkd.jpg)
What did the mexican firecheif name his kids... Hose A and Hose B
What did the mexican firecheif name his kids... Hose A and Hose B
What did the mom say to her son when he said he didn't want any of her flippin' pancakes? Fine. They will just be burnt on one side.
What did the mom say to her son when he said he didn't want any of her flippin' pancakes? Fine. They will just be burnt on one side.
What did the neutrino say to the planet? Just passing through
What did the neutrino say to the planet? Just passing through
What did the number zero say to the number eight? "Nice belt."
What did the number zero say to the number eight? "Nice belt."
What did the number zero say to the number eight? Nice Belt
What did the number zero say to the number eight? Nice Belt
What did the O say to the 8? Nice belt.
What did the O say to the 8? Nice belt.
What did the one wall say to the other wall? "Meet you at the corner"
What did the one wall say to the other wall? "Meet you at the corner"
What did the owner of a brownie factory say when his factory caught fire? "I'm getting the fudge outta here!"
What did the owner of a brownie factory say when his factory caught fire? "I'm getting the fudge outta here!"
What did the owner of the Indian restaurant say when he burned all of his bread? "Don't worry, it's a naan issue."
What did the owner of the Indian restaurant say when he burned all of his bread? "Don't worry, it's a naan issue."
What did the pebble say to the rock? I wish I was a little boulder!
What did the pebble say to the rock? I wish I was a little boulder!
What did the Pelican say to the fish when he was running late for work? I'll catch you later!
What did the Pelican say to the fish when he was running late for work? I'll catch you later!
What did the picture say to the Judge? I WAS FRAMED! I just now made that up. I feel good about this one! ~Skip
What did the picture say to the Judge? I WAS FRAMED! I just now made that up. I feel good about this one! ~Skip
What did the pony say when he had a sore throat? Pardon me, I'm just a little hoarse.
What did the pony say when he had a sore throat? Pardon me, I'm just a little hoarse.
What did the priest say when watering his garden? Let us spray.
What did the priest say when watering his garden? Let us spray.
What did the rubber band factory worker say when he was fired? Oh snap!
What did the rubber band factory worker say when he was fired? Oh snap!
What did the slab of meat say when it was covered in salt and left out to dry? "I'm cured!"
What did the slab of meat say when it was covered in salt and left out to dry? "I'm cured!"
What did the space between two tiles say? I AM GROUT
What did the space between two tiles say? I AM GROUT
What did the tailpipe say to the muffler? I'm exhausted. What did the muffler say back? ^mmmmbfmbm
What did the tailpipe say to the muffler? I'm exhausted. What did the muffler say back? ^mmmmbfmbm
What did the three holes in the ground say? Well, well, well My grandpa's favorite joke. Took me five years to get it.
What did the three holes in the ground say? Well, well, well My grandpa's favorite joke. Took me five years to get it.
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? Curses! Foil again!
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? Curses! Foil again!
What did the topic sentence say to the evidence? Why aren't you supporting me?
What did the topic sentence say to the evidence? Why aren't you supporting me?
What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look at me I'm changing.
What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look at me I'm changing.
What did the Triangle say to the Circle? "Your life is pointless."
What did the Triangle say to the Circle? "Your life is pointless."
What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter? "Quack, quack, quack."
What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter? "Quack, quack, quack."
What did the wall ask the picture? (All together now!) ***"How's it hangin'?"*** ~Skip
What did the wall ask the picture? (All together now!) ***"How's it hangin'?"*** ~Skip
What did the zero say to the eight? nice belt
What did the zero say to the eight? nice belt
What did they call the Pillsbury Doughboy after he hurt his leg? Limp Biscuit
What did they call the Pillsbury Doughboy after he hurt his leg? Limp Biscuit
What did Vincent van Gogh call himself when he joined the Justice League? The Starry Knight
What did Vincent van Gogh call himself when he joined the Justice League? The Starry Knight
What did Virginia get when she walked into the pet shop? (state joke) A New Hampshire
What did Virginia get when she walked into the pet shop? (state joke) A New Hampshire
What do beef hearts smell like? Honey.
What do beef hearts smell like? Honey.
What do call a horse that lives near you? A naybor
What do call a horse that lives near you? A naybor
What do call a horse that lives near you? A neighbor (naybor for pessimist horses)
What do call a horse that lives near you? A neighbor (naybor for pessimist horses)
What do caves have? Echosystems. From my 9 year old.
What do caves have? Echosystems. From my 9 year old.
What do cows do for fun? They go to the mooooo vies.
What do cows do for fun? They go to the mooooo vies.
What do cows like on their hotdogs? MOOstard.
What do cows like on their hotdogs? MOOstard.
What do cows like to put on their hot dogs? moostard
What do cows like to put on their hot dogs? moostard
What do ducks do at Christmas time? They duckerate cookies.
What do ducks do at Christmas time? They duckerate cookies.
What do dwarves use to cut their pizza? Little Caesars
What do dwarves use to cut their pizza? Little Caesars
What do Egyptians do when their mass transit breaks down? Get Anubis.
What do Egyptians do when their mass transit breaks down? Get Anubis.
What do Engineers use as birth control? Their Personality.
What do Engineers use as birth control? Their Personality.
What do fish smoke? Seaweed!
What do fish smoke? Seaweed!
What do fish think about air? It's UN B REATHABLE!
What do fish think about air? It's UN B REATHABLE!
What do gamers plant in their garden? Skill trees! **Dances wildly with top hat and cane**
What do gamers plant in their garden? Skill trees! **Dances wildly with top hat and cane**
What do get when you cross 50 female pigs with 50 male deer? One hundred sows and bucks?
What do get when you cross 50 female pigs with 50 male deer? One hundred sows and bucks?
What do kids eat for breakfast? Yogoat!
What do kids eat for breakfast? Yogoat!
What do lawyers wear to court? Law suits!
What do lawyers wear to court? Law suits!
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits.
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits.
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships.
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships.
What do the French call artificial feet for cats? Faux Paws
What do the French call artificial feet for cats? Faux Paws
What do they call a monastery key that opens all doors? Monk key
What do they call a monastery key that opens all doors? Monk key
What do vegan zombies eat? Graaaaains!
What do vegan zombies eat? Graaaaains!
What do vegan zombies eat? GRAAAAINS
What do vegan zombies eat? GRAAAAINS
What do vegan zombies eat? GRAAAIIINSSS!
What do vegan zombies eat? GRAAAIIINSSS!
What do vegetarian zombies eat? Graaaaaaiiiins......
What do vegetarian zombies eat? Graaaaaaiiiins......
What do you cal a bear with extreme mood swings? A bi polar bear.
What do you cal a bear with extreme mood swings? A bi polar bear.
What do you call 99 bunnies walking forward and they take one step backwards? A receding hare line.
What do you call 99 bunnies walking forward and they take one step backwards? A receding hare line.
What do you call a alligator in a vest? Investigator.
What do you call a alligator in a vest? Investigator.
What do you call a bald porcupine? Pointless!
What do you call a bald porcupine? Pointless!
What do you call a barbarian you can't see? an Invisigoth.
What do you call a barbarian you can't see? an Invisigoth.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? *A gummy bear.*
What do you call a bear with no teeth? *A gummy bear.*
What do you call a bee from the wrong side of town? A bumblegee
What do you call a bee from the wrong side of town? A bumblegee
What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowtain.
What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowtain.
What do you call a black and white bird that can't win, nor fly. A peng lose.
What do you call a black and white bird that can't win, nor fly. A peng lose.
What do you call a blind deer? No eye deer. What do you call a blind deer with no legs? *Still* no eye deer.
What do you call a blind deer? No eye deer. What do you call a blind deer with no legs? *Still* no eye deer.
What do you call a blind, legless buck? No eye deer. EDIT: I totally messed this joke up. Please give me another chance with another joke?
What do you call a blind, legless buck? No eye deer. EDIT: I totally messed this joke up. Please give me another chance with another joke?
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A Stick
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A Stick
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? pt 2 A boomer WRONG!
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? pt 2 A boomer WRONG!
What do you call a bug that can't talk? A hoarse fly.
What do you call a bug that can't talk? A hoarse fly.
What do you call a bulimic tree? Sycamore.
What do you call a bulimic tree? Sycamore.
What do you call a bunch of Asian bears roaring? Panda monium.
What do you call a bunch of Asian bears roaring? Panda monium.
What do you call a burial chamber full of Moose? Moosoleum.
What do you call a burial chamber full of Moose? Moosoleum.
What do you call a camel in Alaska? Lost.
What do you call a camel in Alaska? Lost.
What do you call a camel with 3 humps? Humphrey. (I was told this joke by an actual dad, it was his response to one of my jokes)
What do you call a camel with 3 humps? Humphrey. (I was told this joke by an actual dad, it was his response to one of my jokes)
What do you call a car that eats other cars? A carnivore.
What do you call a car that eats other cars? A carnivore.
What do you call a cashew in space? An astronut.
What do you call a cashew in space? An astronut.
What do you call a cavator that isnt a cavator anymore? an EXcavator
What do you call a cavator that isnt a cavator anymore? an EXcavator
What do you call a chef who's stingy with herbs? PARSLEYMONIOUS
What do you call a chef who's stingy with herbs? PARSLEYMONIOUS
What do you call a chicken crossed with a cow? Cock a doodle moo!
What do you call a chicken crossed with a cow? Cock a doodle moo!
What do you call a con artist who minored in psychology? Sigmund Fraud
What do you call a con artist who minored in psychology? Sigmund Fraud
What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence? Utter destruction! !!!!
What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence? Utter destruction! !!!!
What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk? A Milk Dud.
What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk? A Milk Dud.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth? Decaffeinated
What do you call a cow that just gave birth? Decaffeinated
What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with one leg? Steak.
What do you call a cow with one leg? Steak.
What do you call a cow with only two legs? Lean Beef!
What do you call a cow with only two legs? Lean Beef!
What do you call a cow with three legs? Tri tip.
What do you call a cow with three legs? Tri tip.
What do you call a cross between a gorilla and a monkey? A cross.
What do you call a cross between a gorilla and a monkey? A cross.
What do you call a dead fly? a flew
What do you call a dead fly? a flew
What do you call a deep sea diving dog? Scuba Doo!
What do you call a deep sea diving dog? Scuba Doo!
What do you call a dinosaur FBI agent? A pteredacted.
What do you call a dinosaur FBI agent? A pteredacted.
What do you call a discounted Zuckerberg? Marked down!
What do you call a discounted Zuckerberg? Marked down!
What do you call a dog in a diving bell? A sub woofer
What do you call a dog in a diving bell? A sub woofer
What do you call a dog with no legs? Don't bother, he's not coming.
What do you call a dog with no legs? Don't bother, he's not coming.
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call it, it won't come.
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call it, it won't come.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta! :D
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta! :D
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
What do you call a father who was kidnapped in Iraq? A Baghdad.
What do you call a father who was kidnapped in Iraq? A Baghdad.
What do you call a fear of horned bovines? Aurochnophobia.
What do you call a fear of horned bovines? Aurochnophobia.
What do you call a fish that operates on brains? A brain sturgeon.
What do you call a fish that operates on brains? A brain sturgeon.
What do you call a fish who works for the government? An Official.
What do you call a fish who works for the government? An Official.
What do you call a fish with no eye? fsh
What do you call a fish with no eye? fsh
What do you call a fish with no eyes? ....a fssshhh...
What do you call a fish with no eyes? ....a fssshhh...
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh
What do you call a flower in Florida? Orlando Bloom.
What do you call a flower in Florida? Orlando Bloom.
What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.
What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.
What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.
What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.
What do you call a group of Combi's? A Combi nation!
What do you call a group of Combi's? A Combi nation!
What do you call a group of Geometry classes? A geomeforest.
What do you call a group of Geometry classes? A geomeforest.
What do you call a group of people standing in the arctic circle? A Finnish line.
What do you call a group of people standing in the arctic circle? A Finnish line.
What do you call a group of security guards in front of a Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy.
What do you call a group of security guards in front of a Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy.
What do you call a happy penguin? A pengrin!
What do you call a happy penguin? A pengrin!
What do you call a Jihadist that loves turkey? A Tryptophanatic.
What do you call a Jihadist that loves turkey? A Tryptophanatic.
What do you call a lion in the circus. A Carny vore
What do you call a lion in the circus. A Carny vore
What do you call a loaf baked in a zoo? Bread in captivity.
What do you call a loaf baked in a zoo? Bread in captivity.
What do you call a Macho Man Randy Savage that does not belong to you? >Nacho Man Randy Savage!!!!! this is my original content!!!!
What do you call a Macho Man Randy Savage that does not belong to you? >Nacho Man Randy Savage!!!!! this is my original content!!!!
What do you call a man with his big toe above his shin? Tony
What do you call a man with his big toe above his shin? Tony
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? Rubber Toe! (Roberto)
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? Rubber Toe! (Roberto)
What do you call a midget psychic that broke out of prison? A small medium at large!
What do you call a midget psychic that broke out of prison? A small medium at large!
What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison? A small medium at large
What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison? A small medium at large
What do you call a monk that operates a door unlocking service? A monkey. (p.s. I have a wonderful, terrible love for bad jokes)
What do you call a monk that operates a door unlocking service? A monkey. (p.s. I have a wonderful, terrible love for bad jokes)
What do you call a Moroccan candy distributor? Fez dispenser.
What do you call a Moroccan candy distributor? Fez dispenser.
What do you call a native american cook a sioux chef
What do you call a native american cook a sioux chef
What do you call a noisy Chinese dog? How Ling (my dad wanted me to post this)
What do you call a noisy Chinese dog? How Ling (my dad wanted me to post this)
What do you call a nose without a body? Nobody knows...
What do you call a nose without a body? Nobody knows...
What do you call a nosey pepper? Jalapeno Business
What do you call a nosey pepper? Jalapeno Business
What do you call a number that cant keep still? A roamin numeral.
What do you call a number that cant keep still? A roamin numeral.
What do you call a one eyed dinosaur? Doyouthinkhesarus (Credit goes to whoever submitted that to the Coffee News)
What do you call a one eyed dinosaur? Doyouthinkhesarus (Credit goes to whoever submitted that to the Coffee News)
What do you call a pachyderm that doesn't matter? Irrelephant.
What do you call a pachyderm that doesn't matter? Irrelephant.
What do you call a pachyderm that sings jazz? Elephants Gerald
What do you call a pachyderm that sings jazz? Elephants Gerald
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare line.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare line.
What do you call a penguin with a smoking problem? It's a puffin!
What do you call a penguin with a smoking problem? It's a puffin!
What do you call a person who farts in private? A private tutor
What do you call a person who farts in private? A private tutor
What do you call a pig that does karate? *A pork chop.*
What do you call a pig that does karate? *A pork chop.*
What do you call a pile of dogs? A ruff terrain.
What do you call a pile of dogs? A ruff terrain.
What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowtin
What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowtin
What do you call a plastic sheep? Lambinated!
What do you call a plastic sheep? Lambinated!
What do you call a productive Asian? China get something done.
What do you call a productive Asian? China get something done.
What do you call a race ran by female horses? A mare a thon.
What do you call a race ran by female horses? A mare a thon.
What do you call a race run by baristas? A **decaf**alon
What do you call a race run by baristas? A **decaf**alon
What do you call a Romanian grocery clerk? Scanthesku
What do you call a Romanian grocery clerk? Scanthesku
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate? A candy baa
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate? A candy baa
What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A dino snore.
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A dino snore.
What do you call a smart pig? Swinestein.
What do you call a smart pig? Swinestein.
What do you call a social media platform designed for religious people who also have speech impediments? Faithbook
What do you call a social media platform designed for religious people who also have speech impediments? Faithbook
What do you call a spider with no legs? A raisin
What do you call a spider with no legs? A raisin
What do you call a stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want to it can't here you!
What do you call a stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want to it can't here you!
What do you call a t shirt with stalks of wheat on it? A crop top!
What do you call a t shirt with stalks of wheat on it? A crop top!
What do you call a truthful piece of paper? Fax.
What do you call a truthful piece of paper? Fax.
What do you call a ubiquitous spud? A common tater!
What do you call a ubiquitous spud? A common tater!
What do you call a vampire that sucks mucus instead of blood? nose feratu!
What do you call a vampire that sucks mucus instead of blood? nose feratu!
What do you call a very religious person who sleep walks? A Roman Catholic.
What do you call a very religious person who sleep walks? A Roman Catholic.
What do you call a white supremacist who doesn't eat meat? A vegitaryan
What do you call a white supremacist who doesn't eat meat? A vegitaryan
What do you call a woman on a cruise ship in Mexico using the diving board at the pool? A broad abroad on a board aboard.
What do you call a woman on a cruise ship in Mexico using the diving board at the pool? A broad abroad on a board aboard.
What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen
What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen
What do you call an alien in a swamp? A MARSHian
What do you call an alien in a swamp? A MARSHian
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator
What do you call an alligator with a vest? An Investigator!
What do you call an alligator with a vest? An Investigator!
What do you call an animal that goes through your trash and tells great stories? A raccoonteur.
What do you call an animal that goes through your trash and tells great stories? A raccoonteur.
What do you call an arcade in eastern europe? czech e cheese
What do you call an arcade in eastern europe? czech e cheese
What do you call an atheist bone? A blasfemur.
What do you call an atheist bone? A blasfemur.
What do you call an Autobot who works in an overpriced makeup store at the mall ? Ulta Magnus!
What do you call an Autobot who works in an overpriced makeup store at the mall ? Ulta Magnus!
What do you call an economics lecturer? Prof. it
What do you call an economics lecturer? Prof. it
What do you call an economist at an amusement park who is just sitting around? A lazy fair goer!
What do you call an economist at an amusement park who is just sitting around? A lazy fair goer!
What do you call an effeminate dwarf? A metro gnome....
What do you call an effeminate dwarf? A metro gnome....
What do you call an Egyptian bone setter? Cairo practor.
What do you call an Egyptian bone setter? Cairo practor.
What do you call an Egyptian doctor who works on peoples backs? A Cairopractor!
What do you call an Egyptian doctor who works on peoples backs? A Cairopractor!
What do you call an elephant with a poor memory? A bold and innovative departure from the hackneyed stereotypes that all too often dominate the joke telling industry.
What do you call an elephant with a poor memory? A bold and innovative departure from the hackneyed stereotypes that all too often dominate the joke telling industry.
What do you call an imaginary color? A pigment of your imagination.
What do you call an imaginary color? A pigment of your imagination.
What do you call an Italian guy with a rubber toe? Roberto
What do you call an Italian guy with a rubber toe? Roberto
What do you call an Italian romance novel model who's let himself go? Flabio
What do you call an Italian romance novel model who's let himself go? Flabio
What do you call an obese psychic that works at a bank? A four chin teller
What do you call an obese psychic that works at a bank? A four chin teller
What do you call Batman skipping church? Christian Bail.
What do you call Batman skipping church? Christian Bail.
What do you call beef that's been burned? A mis steak.
What do you call beef that's been burned? A mis steak.
What do you call cheese that is by itself? Provolone
What do you call cheese that is by itself? Provolone
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese!
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese!
What do you call coffee made from coal? Tarbucks.
What do you call coffee made from coal? Tarbucks.
What do you call fake German currency? Question marks
What do you call fake German currency? Question marks
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
What do you call it when Google Glass connects to the internet? Eye fi.
What do you call it when Google Glass connects to the internet? Eye fi.
What do you call it when someone resuscitates a person who chokes on alcohol? La chaim lich maneuver.
What do you call it when someone resuscitates a person who chokes on alcohol? La chaim lich maneuver.
What do you call it when you dip poultry and beef in chocolate? Brown chichen Brown cow
What do you call it when you dip poultry and beef in chocolate? Brown chichen Brown cow
What do you call it when your wife brings you rice porridge in prison? Congee gal visit
What do you call it when your wife brings you rice porridge in prison? Congee gal visit
What do you call people who pretend to be Irish on St. Patrick's Day? Counterfitz
What do you call people who pretend to be Irish on St. Patrick's Day? Counterfitz
What do you call Protestants who want to save a dime? Econoclasts.
What do you call Protestants who want to save a dime? Econoclasts.
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy
What do you call shaving a crazy sheep? Shear madness.
What do you call shaving a crazy sheep? Shear madness.
What do you call somebody with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
What do you call somebody with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
What do you call someone that steals shoes? A sneaker.
What do you call someone that steals shoes? A sneaker.
What do you call someone who majors in geology and astronomy A rockstar
What do you call someone who majors in geology and astronomy A rockstar
What do you call someone who makes a lot of money through deforestation of the Amazon? A Brazillionaire!
What do you call someone who makes a lot of money through deforestation of the Amazon? A Brazillionaire!
What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.
What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.
What do you call someone who really loves breakfast? A cereal killer.
What do you call someone who really loves breakfast? A cereal killer.
What do you call someone who serves smelly drinks? a Fartender
What do you call someone who serves smelly drinks? a Fartender
What do you call someone who wears leather, likes bondage and likes getting inked? Moleskine
What do you call someone who wears leather, likes bondage and likes getting inked? Moleskine
What do you call someone who's studied Old Norse literature and become an expert. Well edda cated.
What do you call someone who's studied Old Norse literature and become an expert. Well edda cated.
What do you call soup that you've found a hair in? Rabbit Soup :D
What do you call soup that you've found a hair in? Rabbit Soup :D
What do you call the delivery boy at an Indian restaurant? Curry er.
What do you call the delivery boy at an Indian restaurant? Curry er.
What do you call the Hamburglar's accomplice? hamburglar helpler
What do you call the Hamburglar's accomplice? hamburglar helpler
What do you call the object Attila the Hun uses to brush his leg hair? A Hun knee comb.
What do you call the object Attila the Hun uses to brush his leg hair? A Hun knee comb.
What do you call the ultimate fish doctor? The Sturgeon General
What do you call the ultimate fish doctor? The Sturgeon General
What do you call thrusting a hairy rod in and out of your mouth really fast then afterwards spitting out a white liquid? Brushing your teeth
What do you call thrusting a hairy rod in and out of your mouth really fast then afterwards spitting out a white liquid? Brushing your teeth
What do you call two crows? Attempted murder.
What do you call two crows? Attempted murder.
What do you call two guys above a window? Curt 'n Rod
What do you call two guys above a window? Curt 'n Rod
What do you call Washington State after a long rain storm? Washed a Ton State. I woke up with that joke in my head this morning. My brain is weird. Had to share it with someone.
What do you call Washington State after a long rain storm? Washed a Ton State. I woke up with that joke in my head this morning. My brain is weird. Had to share it with someone.
What do you call... What do you call an Italian romance novel model who's let himself go? Flabio.
What do you call... What do you call an Italian romance novel model who's let himself go? Flabio.
What do you do if a cow is in the middle of the road you're driving on? steer clear
What do you do if a cow is in the middle of the road you're driving on? steer clear
What do you do if you see a spaceman? You park in it, man.
What do you do if you see a spaceman? You park in it, man.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
What do you find in a cloud's shorts? Thunderpants!
What do you find in a cloud's shorts? Thunderpants!
What do you get for the women who has everything? A divorce, then she'll only have half of everything.
What do you get for the women who has everything? A divorce, then she'll only have half of everything.
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a fish? Swimming trunks
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a fish? Swimming trunks
What do you get when you cross a crocodile with a cartridge? A snapshot.
What do you get when you cross a crocodile with a cartridge? A snapshot.
What do you get when you cross a firecracker and a duck? A firequacker.
What do you get when you cross a firecracker and a duck? A firequacker.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a spider? Bacon and scrambled leggs.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a spider? Bacon and scrambled leggs.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? 'ell if I know wot to call it!
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? 'ell if I know wot to call it!
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a cow? A stern rebuke from the Ethics Committee, and an immediate cessation of funding.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a cow? A stern rebuke from the Ethics Committee, and an immediate cessation of funding.
What do you get when you cross Kansas with a vulture? Carrion my wayward son
What do you get when you cross Kansas with a vulture? Carrion my wayward son
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? Halfway.
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? Halfway.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat miner.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat miner.
What do you get when you drop a piano in a coal mine? A flat minor. Night... Don't forget to tip your waitress
What do you get when you drop a piano in a coal mine? A flat minor. Night... Don't forget to tip your waitress
What do you get when you mix Michael Jordan with Donald Trump? A Dunkin' Donut.
What do you get when you mix Michael Jordan with Donald Trump? A Dunkin' Donut.
What do you get when you mix two chains and a cow? Truuuuuuuuuuu moooooooooooooooooo!!!
What do you get when you mix two chains and a cow? Truuuuuuuuuuu moooooooooooooooooo!!!
What do you get when you sit on a potato? A potato wedge! (I made this up when I was 9)
What do you get when you sit on a potato? A potato wedge! (I made this up when I was 9)
What do you say to the Montana barista when they overfill your chamomile? Beautiful
What do you say to the Montana barista when they overfill your chamomile? Beautiful
What do you say when you find two banana peels together? Answer: A pair of slipper
What do you say when you find two banana peels together? Answer: A pair of slipper
What do you say when you see three whales? Whale whale whale, what do we have here?
What do you say when you see three whales? Whale whale whale, what do we have here?
What does a bag of rice and an onion do when they get into a fast car? They pilaf. I'll show my way out
What does a bag of rice and an onion do when they get into a fast car? They pilaf. I'll show my way out
What does a baker wear on his feet? Loafers.
What does a baker wear on his feet? Loafers.
What does a can of tuna say? Premium flaked tuna Best before dd/mm/yy
What does a can of tuna say? Premium flaked tuna Best before dd/mm/yy
What does a duck call a tractor? A quacktor
What does a duck call a tractor? A quacktor
What does a ghost cow say? *wave arms around* MoooooOOOOOOoooooooo
What does a ghost cow say? *wave arms around* MoooooOOOOOOoooooooo
What does a hawk call a high ledge A *falcony!*
What does a hawk call a high ledge A *falcony!*
What does a Jedi say after a tragic loss of life? "May my thoughts be with them".
What does a Jedi say after a tragic loss of life? "May my thoughts be with them".
What does a mexican magician make for breakfast? Toast tah dahs!
What does a mexican magician make for breakfast? Toast tah dahs!
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business.
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business.
What does a rock do all day? Nothing. (this joke was made by daughter when she was 5)
What does a rock do all day? Nothing. (this joke was made by daughter when she was 5)
What does a storm cloud have on beneath its clothes? Thunderwear!
What does a storm cloud have on beneath its clothes? Thunderwear!
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.
What does a train full of grain's whistle sound like? "COUS, COUS!!!"
What does a train full of grain's whistle sound like? "COUS, COUS!!!"
What does a Vulcan lawnmower need to function? A spock plug.
What does a Vulcan lawnmower need to function? A spock plug.
What does batman take in his whiskey? Just ice.
What does batman take in his whiskey? Just ice.
What does Captain Kirk wear to the fitness center? Jim shorts.
What does Captain Kirk wear to the fitness center? Jim shorts.
What does clark kent have for breakfast? alter eggos
What does clark kent have for breakfast? alter eggos
What does Colonel Mustard's Mexican maid call him? *(Phonetically ish)* Mis'ser Dijon.
What does Colonel Mustard's Mexican maid call him? *(Phonetically ish)* Mis'ser Dijon.
What does December have that other months dont have? The letter D.
What does December have that other months dont have? The letter D.
What does Drew Carey have in his driveway? Cleveland Rocks!
What does Drew Carey have in his driveway? Cleveland Rocks!
What does Mario use to get his hot dogs off the grill? He uses his Donkey Tongs.
What does Mario use to get his hot dogs off the grill? He uses his Donkey Tongs.
What does music have to do with safety? If you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.
What does music have to do with safety? If you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.
What does r/The Donald call its rule list? The MAGA Carta
What does r/The Donald call its rule list? The MAGA Carta
What does the horse call the pigs on his farm? Neigh boars.
What does the horse call the pigs on his farm? Neigh boars.
What electronic device leaves behind a lot of broken glass? A PC, seeing how they typically run on Windows!
What electronic device leaves behind a lot of broken glass? A PC, seeing how they typically run on Windows!
What form of radiation bakes you cookies? A gramma ray
What form of radiation bakes you cookies? A gramma ray
What fruit do Romeo and Juliet eat? Cantelope
What fruit do Romeo and Juliet eat? Cantelope
What game do you play with a wombat? Wom.
What game do you play with a wombat? Wom.
What gets longer the more you cut it at both ends? A ditch.
What gets longer the more you cut it at both ends? A ditch.
What goes "Hahahahaha...*thud*"? Someone laughing their head off
What goes "Hahahahaha...*thud*"? Someone laughing their head off
What goes oh oh oh? Santa walking backwards.
What goes oh oh oh? Santa walking backwards.
What goes up and down but does not move? Stairs
What goes up and down but does not move? Stairs
What gun do you use to hunt a moose? A moosecut!
What gun do you use to hunt a moose? A moosecut!
What haircut did the Texan barber recommend when asked? He couldn't think of anything, and said "I'll mullet over"
What haircut did the Texan barber recommend when asked? He couldn't think of anything, and said "I'll mullet over"
What happened to the butched after he backed into the meat grinder? he got a little "behind" in his work
What happened to the butched after he backed into the meat grinder? he got a little "behind" in his work
What happened to the Denver Broncos in the Super Bowl? They had a MetLife crisis. (that's the name of the stadium)
What happened to the Denver Broncos in the Super Bowl? They had a MetLife crisis. (that's the name of the stadium)
What happened to the runny nose... it tripped and fell. Now it's all boogered up.
What happened to the runny nose... it tripped and fell. Now it's all boogered up.
What happened to the tyrannical fruit? He was impeached!
What happened to the tyrannical fruit? He was impeached!
What happened to the tyrannical peach? He got impeached!
What happened to the tyrannical peach? He got impeached!
What happened when porky pig fell asleep at his construction job? The foreman fired him, saying, 'We can't have bored boars boring boards.'
What happened when porky pig fell asleep at his construction job? The foreman fired him, saying, 'We can't have bored boars boring boards.'
What happened when the carrot died? There was a huge turnip at the funeral.
What happened when the carrot died? There was a huge turnip at the funeral.
What happened when the man couldn't afford the mortgage on his haunted house? ...it was repossessed!
What happened when the man couldn't afford the mortgage on his haunted house? ...it was repossessed!
What happens if socialism comes to the Sahara? Old Soviet era joke told in Russia: What happens if socialism comes to the Sahara? Nothing at first, but then the sand shortages will start.
What happens if socialism comes to the Sahara? Old Soviet era joke told in Russia: What happens if socialism comes to the Sahara? Nothing at first, but then the sand shortages will start.
What happens if you drink 3.14 liters of water? you will Pi ss
What happens if you drink 3.14 liters of water? you will Pi ss
What happens if you pass gas in church? You have to sit in your own pew.
What happens if you pass gas in church? You have to sit in your own pew.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
What happens when a spoon and fork get into a fight? civilwar
What happens when a spoon and fork get into a fight? civilwar
What happens when breed a shark and snowman? You get a frostbite!
What happens when breed a shark and snowman? You get a frostbite!
What happens when you don't serve drinks at a party? There's no punch line.
What happens when you don't serve drinks at a party? There's no punch line.
What happens when you get some vinegar in your ear? You suffer from pickled hearing!
What happens when you get some vinegar in your ear? You suffer from pickled hearing!
What happens when you steamroll Batman and Robin? They become flatman and ribbon.
What happens when you steamroll Batman and Robin? They become flatman and ribbon.
What happens when your cousin eats all the Pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving? Plump kin!
What happens when your cousin eats all the Pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving? Plump kin!
What has a bottom at the top? Your legs.
What has a bottom at the top? Your legs.
What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office.
What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office.
What has six eyes but cannot see? Three men in a house with dirty dishes in the sink, laundry that needs to be folded and kids that need a bath
What has six eyes but cannot see? Three men in a house with dirty dishes in the sink, laundry that needs to be folded and kids that need a bath
What has two arms and 14 legs? Guy who collects legs.
What has two arms and 14 legs? Guy who collects legs.
What have you got if your pet kangaroo gets into molasses and Indian curry? An Indian goo roo
What have you got if your pet kangaroo gets into molasses and Indian curry? An Indian goo roo
What instrument does God play? He plays the cello. As it says in scripture: "Our God is a cellist God."
What instrument does God play? He plays the cello. As it says in scripture: "Our God is a cellist God."
What is a bacteria's OTHER favorite dish? The PETRI dish!
What is a bacteria's OTHER favorite dish? The PETRI dish!
What is a martian's favourite chocolate? A mars bar
What is a martian's favourite chocolate? A mars bar
What is a pair of sheep's favorite instrument? Two Baaas.
What is a pair of sheep's favorite instrument? Two Baaas.
What is a rocket's favorite meal? Launch! Another one from my 9 year old.
What is a rocket's favorite meal? Launch! Another one from my 9 year old.
What is a spectre's favorite theme park attraction? The Roller Ghoster
What is a spectre's favorite theme park attraction? The Roller Ghoster
What is a traveler's favorite font? Times New Roamin'!
What is a traveler's favorite font? Times New Roamin'!
What is a tuna's favorite city? Albacoreque.
What is a tuna's favorite city? Albacoreque.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit? a Neck tarine From a great co worker
What is a vampire's favorite fruit? a Neck tarine From a great co worker
What is agitated buy joyful? A washing machine
What is agitated buy joyful? A washing machine
What is an astronaut's favorite meal? Launch
What is an astronaut's favorite meal? Launch
What is black, bitter and dont work worth a damn? Decaf coffee
What is black, bitter and dont work worth a damn? Decaf coffee
What is black, white, and red all over? A Communist Propaganda film from the 1930s.
What is black, white, and red all over? A Communist Propaganda film from the 1930s.
WHAT is Bruce Lee's favorite drink? WAH TAHH!!!!
WHAT is Bruce Lee's favorite drink? WAH TAHH!!!!
What is Captain Ahab's favorite reggae band? Bob Marley and The Whalers!
What is Captain Ahab's favorite reggae band? Bob Marley and The Whalers!
What is Forrest Gump's favorite pasta? Penne
What is Forrest Gump's favorite pasta? Penne
What is green, fuzzy, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table. [Thanks, Wagon Train camper!]
What is green, fuzzy, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table. [Thanks, Wagon Train camper!]
What is green, has four legs and if it fell out of a tree and landed on you it would kill you? A pool table!
What is green, has four legs and if it fell out of a tree and landed on you it would kill you? A pool table!
What is green, sings and can be found in the fridge? Elvis Parsley
What is green, sings and can be found in the fridge? Elvis Parsley
What is H.P. Lovecraft's cook book called? The Necronomnomnomicon.
What is H.P. Lovecraft's cook book called? The Necronomnomnomicon.
What is heavy forward but not backward? **ton**
What is heavy forward but not backward? **ton**
What is invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny Farts.
What is invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny Farts.
What is ISIL's favourite dessert? Terrormisu
What is ISIL's favourite dessert? Terrormisu
What is Jackie Chan's favorite drink? Wata
What is Jackie Chan's favorite drink? Wata
What is Mozart doing right now? *Decomposing*
What is Mozart doing right now? *Decomposing*
What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing
What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing
What is robot jazz called? Beep Boop Bop!
What is robot jazz called? Beep Boop Bop!
What is the cheapest part of a boat? The part with the sail in it.
What is the cheapest part of a boat? The part with the sail in it.
What is the difference between a man and a cat? One eats a lot, is lazy and doesnt care who brings the food. The other is a pet.
What is the difference between a man and a cat? One eats a lot, is lazy and doesnt care who brings the food. The other is a pet.
What is the difference between a Siberian husky and an Alaskan husky? About 1500 miles.
What is the difference between a Siberian husky and an Alaskan husky? About 1500 miles.
What is the difference... What is the difference between unlawful and illegal? One is against the law and the other is a sick bird.
What is the difference... What is the difference between unlawful and illegal? One is against the law and the other is a sick bird.
What is the horror movie Quija rated? Quija 13
What is the horror movie Quija rated? Quija 13
What is the last thing to go through a fly's mind when it hits a windshield? Its butt.
What is the last thing to go through a fly's mind when it hits a windshield? Its butt.
What is the longest word in the English language? SMILES because there is a mile between the first and last letters!
What is the longest word in the English language? SMILES because there is a mile between the first and last letters!
What is the medical term for owning too many dogs? [A Roverdose](http://i.imgur.com/BtyF5ys.jpg)
What is the medical term for owning too many dogs? [A Roverdose](http://i.imgur.com/BtyF5ys.jpg)
What is the most religious unit in electrical engineering? Ohm.
What is the most religious unit in electrical engineering? Ohm.
What is the scientific name for a crippled tyrannosaurus rex ? Tywalkasoreus Rex
What is the scientific name for a crippled tyrannosaurus rex ? Tywalkasoreus Rex
What is the Sun's favorite candy? Starburst! Another one from my 9 year old. I don't know where he gets it.
What is the Sun's favorite candy? Starburst! Another one from my 9 year old. I don't know where he gets it.
What is the swamp dwellers favorite form of extraterrestrial life? the Martians
What is the swamp dwellers favorite form of extraterrestrial life? the Martians
What is the world famous Chef Gordan's favorite football team? The Ramsays
What is the world famous Chef Gordan's favorite football team? The Ramsays
What is tuba plus tuba? Fourba!
What is tuba plus tuba? Fourba!
What Johnny Mercer song does December 21st remind you of? Autumn Leaves.
What Johnny Mercer song does December 21st remind you of? Autumn Leaves.
What keeps the lions from leaving the savannah the ele fence
What keeps the lions from leaving the savannah the ele fence
What killed the guy ordering at an Italian restaurant? He'd had trouble deciding to go with the appetizers or entrees, but eventually he went antipasto way.
What killed the guy ordering at an Italian restaurant? He'd had trouble deciding to go with the appetizers or entrees, but eventually he went antipasto way.
What kind of bee can never be understood? A mumble bee.
What kind of bee can never be understood? A mumble bee.
What kind of bee will not take credit for his contributions? A Humblebee.
What kind of bee will not take credit for his contributions? A Humblebee.
What kind of bees make milk? Boobies.
What kind of bees make milk? Boobies.
What kind of bird can write? A penguin.
What kind of bird can write? A penguin.
What kind of birds stick together? Vel crows
What kind of birds stick together? Vel crows
What kind of boats do smart people ride on? Scholar ships!
What kind of boats do smart people ride on? Scholar ships!
What kind of car did the German cowboy purchase? Audi *tips hat*
What kind of car did the German cowboy purchase? Audi *tips hat*
What kind of dish does LeBron like? anything with curry in it.
What kind of dish does LeBron like? anything with curry in it.
What kind of dog can do magic tricks? A labracadabrador.
What kind of dog can do magic tricks? A labracadabrador.
What kind of fish would be good to tune a piano? Oh, you guessed it right ... the tuna fish!
What kind of fish would be good to tune a piano? Oh, you guessed it right ... the tuna fish!
What kind of house does a stoned loaf of bread live in? A high rise
What kind of house does a stoned loaf of bread live in? A high rise
What kind of music does a printer make? A paper jam.
What kind of music does a printer make? A paper jam.
What kind of pants does Super Mario wear? [Denim, denim, denim.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0SuIMUoShI)
What kind of pants does Super Mario wear? [Denim, denim, denim.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0SuIMUoShI)
What kind of pants does Super Mario wear? Denim Denim Denim
What kind of pants does Super Mario wear? Denim Denim Denim
What kind of soda do dogs drink? Barq's Root Beer.
What kind of soda do dogs drink? Barq's Root Beer.
What kind of turns do letters take? U turns! *From my 9 year old son yesterday. Fixed typo.
What kind of turns do letters take? U turns! *From my 9 year old son yesterday. Fixed typo.
What language do they speak in Holland? Hollandaise.
What language do they speak in Holland? Hollandaise.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
What mysterious hair product does Lucifer use to keep himself looking good? Arcane gel!
What mysterious hair product does Lucifer use to keep himself looking good? Arcane gel!
What name is given to the most chickens ? pEGGy
What name is given to the most chickens ? pEGGy
What other body parts did Voldemort not have apart from his nose? His legs and arms.. because he was disarmed and defeated.
What other body parts did Voldemort not have apart from his nose? His legs and arms.. because he was disarmed and defeated.
What should you do before criticizing Pac Man? WAKA WAKA WAKA mile in his shoes
What should you do before criticizing Pac Man? WAKA WAKA WAKA mile in his shoes
What side dish do frogs like to enjoy with their hamburgers? French Flies!
What side dish do frogs like to enjoy with their hamburgers? French Flies!
What side of a leopard has the most spots? The outside
What side of a leopard has the most spots? The outside
What side of a turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
What side of a turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
What state do most people live in? Denial. Myself included.
What state do most people live in? Denial. Myself included.
What the plate say to the other plate? Dinners on me
What the plate say to the other plate? Dinners on me
What the the electrician say to his buddy? Watts up?!
What the the electrician say to his buddy? Watts up?!
What time do you go to the dentist? 2:30
What time do you go to the dentist? 2:30
What Time Do You Go To The Dentist? Tooth Hurty! XD
What Time Do You Go To The Dentist? Tooth Hurty! XD
What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish
What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish
What type of cheese lives under your bed? Muenster.
What type of cheese lives under your bed? Muenster.
What type of doctor prescribes Coke and 7 up for a living? A Poptometrist!
What type of doctor prescribes Coke and 7 up for a living? A Poptometrist!
What type of grain uses profanity? Vulgar Wheat
What type of grain uses profanity? Vulgar Wheat
What type of melon would Romeo and Juliet have been? Cantaloupe.
What type of melon would Romeo and Juliet have been? Cantaloupe.
What type of school did Sherlock Holmes go to? Elementary :)
What type of school did Sherlock Holmes go to? Elementary :)
What type pf culture is most peaceful and never gets angry? Nomads!
What type pf culture is most peaceful and never gets angry? Nomads!
What was Beethoven's favorite fruit? BA NA NA NA!
What was Beethoven's favorite fruit? BA NA NA NA!
What was Carl Sagan's favorite drink? Cosmos.
What was Carl Sagan's favorite drink? Cosmos.
What was Dr Frankenstein's second job? He was a body builder
What was Dr Frankenstein's second job? He was a body builder
What was the car doing in the dressing room? Changing attire.
What was the car doing in the dressing room? Changing attire.
What was wrong with the wooden car? It wooden go.
What was wrong with the wooden car? It wooden go.
What' the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef, but not everyone can pea soup. (As told by my 8yo, who made me laugh with a joke for the first time. Proud dad moment.)
What' the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef, but not everyone can pea soup. (As told by my 8yo, who made me laugh with a joke for the first time. Proud dad moment.)
What's a baker's biggest fear? Something going a rye while they're raisin' bread.
What's a baker's biggest fear? Something going a rye while they're raisin' bread.
What's a balloon's favorite genre of music? Pop.
What's a balloon's favorite genre of music? Pop.
What's a blind person's favorite fast food joint? Taco Braille
What's a blind person's favorite fast food joint? Taco Braille
What's a comedian's favorite candy? Laffy Taffy.
What's a comedian's favorite candy? Laffy Taffy.
What's a difference between a teacher and a train? The teacher tells you to spit you gum out. The train says, "Chew, chew, chew!"
What's a difference between a teacher and a train? The teacher tells you to spit you gum out. The train says, "Chew, chew, chew!"
What's a dog's favorite mode of transportation? A waggin'
What's a dog's favorite mode of transportation? A waggin'
What's a martini's favorite garnish? Olive 'em!
What's a martini's favorite garnish? Olive 'em!
What's a pigs favorite muscle? The hamstring.
What's a pigs favorite muscle? The hamstring.
What's a pirate's favorite letter? The C.
What's a pirate's favorite letter? The C.
What's a pirates favorite letter? You think it's the "R" but it's really the "C". Happy talk like a pirate day!
What's a pirates favorite letter? You think it's the "R" but it's really the "C". Happy talk like a pirate day!
What's a reporter's favorite food? Ice cream because they always want a scoop!
What's a reporter's favorite food? Ice cream because they always want a scoop!
What's an atheist's favorite Christmas movie? Coincidence on 34th Street
What's an atheist's favorite Christmas movie? Coincidence on 34th Street
What's an idealist vegetarian's favorite meal? Peas and hominy
What's an idealist vegetarian's favorite meal? Peas and hominy
What's an oven's favorite comedy routine? Deadpan.
What's an oven's favorite comedy routine? Deadpan.
What's Anakin Skywalker's favorite animal? Well, it was cats, originally, but then he was turned to the dog side.
What's Anakin Skywalker's favorite animal? Well, it was cats, originally, but then he was turned to the dog side.
What's Beethoven's favorite fruit? A ba na na naaaaa
What's Beethoven's favorite fruit? A ba na na naaaaa
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre
What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.
What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.
What's brown and sticky? A stick
What's brown and sticky? A stick
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What's cold and scary?! I scream!
What's cold and scary?! I scream!
What's faster hot or cold? Hot! Because anyone can catch a cold! buh duh tsst
What's faster hot or cold? Hot! Because anyone can catch a cold! buh duh tsst
What's George Washington's least favorite flower? Li[e] lacs!
What's George Washington's least favorite flower? Li[e] lacs!
What's gray and all around? Everything. I'm a dog.
What's gray and all around? Everything. I'm a dog.
What's green and fuzzy and can kill you if it falls from a tree? A pool table.
What's green and fuzzy and can kill you if it falls from a tree? A pool table.
What's green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it'll kill you? A pool table.
What's green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it'll kill you? A pool table.
What's grey? A melted penguin!
What's grey? A melted penguin!
What's invisible and smells like carrots? Rabbit farts
What's invisible and smells like carrots? Rabbit farts
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones!
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones!
What's Medusa's favorite kind of cheese? Gorgonzola.
What's Medusa's favorite kind of cheese? Gorgonzola.
What's my New Year resolution? Well, I just got a Hi Def TV, so it's 1920 X 1080i.
What's my New Year resolution? Well, I just got a Hi Def TV, so it's 1920 X 1080i.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot
What's orange and sounds like a Parrot? A Carrot
What's orange and sounds like a Parrot? A Carrot
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? a carrot.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? a carrot.
What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff. Whats blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding its breath
What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff. Whats blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding its breath
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
What's red and is bad for your teeth? A brick
What's red and is bad for your teeth? A brick
What's Sam Smith's favorite type of nut? [It's an alllllllllmond](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fB63ztKnGvo&feature=youtu.be&t=37s)
What's Sam Smith's favorite type of nut? [It's an alllllllllmond](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fB63ztKnGvo&feature=youtu.be&t=37s)
What's so great about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
What's so great about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
What's that coffee drink with icecream? I used to know it, but... Affogato.
What's that coffee drink with icecream? I used to know it, but... Affogato.
What's the best part about twenty two year old wheels of cheese? There are twenty of them.
What's the best part about twenty two year old wheels of cheese? There are twenty of them.
What's the best part of a baker's body? Their buns.
What's the best part of a baker's body? Their buns.
What's the best thing to put into a pie Your teeth.
What's the best thing to put into a pie Your teeth.
What's the best way to capitalize on an opportunity? ON AN OPPORTUNITY
What's the best way to capitalize on an opportunity? ON AN OPPORTUNITY
What's the best way to get a hold of Vin Diesel? IM Groot. : D Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lvlj1u9S258
What's the best way to get a hold of Vin Diesel? IM Groot. : D Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lvlj1u9S258
What's the difference between a bag of chips and a duck with the flu? One's a quick snack and the other's a sick quack!
What's the difference between a bag of chips and a duck with the flu? One's a quick snack and the other's a sick quack!
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence? A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence? A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
What's the difference between a firstborn prince and a baseball? A baseball is thrown to the air.
What's the difference between a firstborn prince and a baseball? A baseball is thrown to the air.
What's the difference between a fish and a guitar? You can't tuna fish!
What's the difference between a fish and a guitar? You can't tuna fish!
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? The pizza can have ham and cheese together.
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? The pizza can have ham and cheese together.
What's the difference between a piano, a tuna and a jar of glue? You: You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna! Person getting told joke: What about the glue? You: I knew you'd get stuck there!
What's the difference between a piano, a tuna and a jar of glue? You: You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna! Person getting told joke: What about the glue? You: I knew you'd get stuck there!
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dessed man on a bicycle? Attire...!!
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dessed man on a bicycle? Attire...!!
What's the difference between a Thai man and a Thai woman? Pls help.
What's the difference between a Thai man and a Thai woman? Pls help.
What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu? For one you get tweetment and the other you get oinkment...
What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu? For one you get tweetment and the other you get oinkment...
What's the difference between Botox and Borax? Two letters.
What's the difference between Botox and Borax? Two letters.
What's the difference between me and a calendar? A calendar has dates. #foreveralone
What's the difference between me and a calendar? A calendar has dates. #foreveralone
What's the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Anyone can roast beef...
What's the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Anyone can roast beef...
What's the difference between unlawful and illegal? Unlawful is against the law and illegal is a sick bird.
What's the difference between unlawful and illegal? Unlawful is against the law and illegal is a sick bird.
What's the first rule of bug ownership? Watch your step!
What's the first rule of bug ownership? Watch your step!
What's the internal temperature of a Taun Taun? Lukewarm
What's the internal temperature of a Taun Taun? Lukewarm
What's the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles" because there is a mile between each S!
What's the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles" because there is a mile between each S!
What's the loudest economic system? CAPITALISM
What's the loudest economic system? CAPITALISM
What's the most beautiful thing in Advanced Physics? A passing grade. :)
What's the most beautiful thing in Advanced Physics? A passing grade. :)
What's the most beautiful thing in mathematics? A cute angle
What's the most beautiful thing in mathematics? A cute angle
What's the smartest dinosaur? Thesaurus Rex! omg, I crack myself up! ~Skip
What's the smartest dinosaur? Thesaurus Rex! omg, I crack myself up! ~Skip
What's the strongest letter in the alphabet? ***P*** Even Superman can't hold it.
What's the strongest letter in the alphabet? ***P*** Even Superman can't hold it.
What's worse than a centipede with sore feet? A giraffe with a sore throat
What's worse than a centipede with sore feet? A giraffe with a sore throat
Whats blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint
Whats blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint
Whats brown and rhymes with "snoop"? Dr. Dre
Whats brown and rhymes with "snoop"? Dr. Dre
Whats brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre
Whats brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre
Whats brown and sticky? a stick
Whats brown and sticky? a stick
Whats brown and sticky? a stick!
Whats brown and sticky? a stick!
Whats Marios favorite type of jeans? denim denim denim!
Whats Marios favorite type of jeans? denim denim denim!
Whats the best thing to put into a pie? Your teeth!
Whats the best thing to put into a pie? Your teeth!
Whats the problem with tainted money? It taint yours and it taint mine :D (Puns for the win? :D)
Whats the problem with tainted money? It taint yours and it taint mine :D (Puns for the win? :D)
When Captain Picard's sewing machine broke he brought it to the repairman and said... "make it sew."
When Captain Picard's sewing machine broke he brought it to the repairman and said... "make it sew."
When do elephants have eight feet? When there are two of them.
When do elephants have eight feet? When there are two of them.
When do you know you are getting a good deal on a boat? When there's a sail on it.
When do you know you are getting a good deal on a boat? When there's a sail on it.
When does one play a corny game? You play it by ear.
When does one play a corny game? You play it by ear.
When German children play a game involving touching each other with bread... it's called gluten tag. I'll show myself out.
When German children play a game involving touching each other with bread... it's called gluten tag. I'll show myself out.
When I grow old, I am sure I will look back at my life and say "aaaah! my neck hurts"
When I grow old, I am sure I will look back at my life and say "aaaah! my neck hurts"
When is a door not a door? When it's a jar
When is a door not a door? When it's a jar
When is booger not a booger? When it('s not).
When is booger not a booger? When it('s not).
When is the month when the most trees fall? Sep timber
When is the month when the most trees fall? Sep timber
When you ask a girl, Wanna go to the gym with me? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQegAi6d MM
When you ask a girl, Wanna go to the gym with me? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQegAi6d MM
When you cook duck you should always add a little bit of goose It makes a game out of every bite.
When you cook duck you should always add a little bit of goose It makes a game out of every bite.
Where did Napoleon Bonaparte keep his armies? In his sleevies.
Where did Napoleon Bonaparte keep his armies? In his sleevies.
Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies!
Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies!
Where did Sally go after the explosion? Everywhere.
Where did Sally go after the explosion? Everywhere.
Where did the cat go when it lost it's tail? To the retail store!
Where did the cat go when it lost it's tail? To the retail store!
Where did the fish go when it needed an operation? To the sturgeon
Where did the fish go when it needed an operation? To the sturgeon
Where did the general keep his armies? In his sleevies!
Where did the general keep his armies? In his sleevies!
Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and famous? Hollywood.
Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and famous? Hollywood.
Where did the seaweed... Where did the seaweed find a job? In the "Kelp Wanted" section of the want ads.
Where did the seaweed... Where did the seaweed find a job? In the "Kelp Wanted" section of the want ads.
Where did the team get there uniforms? New Jersey
Where did the team get there uniforms? New Jersey
Where do Cows go for parties? The Moovies
Where do Cows go for parties? The Moovies
Where do dinosaurs get their pickles from? Vlasic Park
Where do dinosaurs get their pickles from? Vlasic Park
Where do dogs go when they lose their tails? To a retail store.
Where do dogs go when they lose their tails? To a retail store.
Where do literal dogs live? On the roof.
Where do literal dogs live? On the roof.
Where do rabbits like to eat breakfast? IHOP!
Where do rabbits like to eat breakfast? IHOP!
Where do sick boats go? The dock!
Where do sick boats go? The dock!
Where do snowmen dance? At the snowball!
Where do snowmen dance? At the snowball!
Where do toilets live? Porcel Lane.
Where do toilets live? Porcel Lane.
Where do weirdos ride their bicycles? Psycho paths. (as told by one of my coworkers)
Where do weirdos ride their bicycles? Psycho paths. (as told by one of my coworkers)
Where do you buy Pikmin from? The Oli Mart
Where do you buy Pikmin from? The Oli Mart
Where do you drown a hipster? The Mainstream.
Where do you drown a hipster? The Mainstream.
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow weigh a pie. (sounds like way up high)
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow weigh a pie. (sounds like way up high)
Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae School
Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae School
Where does a river keep it's money? At the bank.
Where does a river keep it's money? At the bank.
Where does dubious pasta come from? The spaghetto. I can't take all the credit, however: I heard the word from [this](http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/xdp4k/the gaydar/c5lnkep) guy
Where does dubious pasta come from? The spaghetto. I can't take all the credit, however: I heard the word from [this](http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/xdp4k/the gaydar/c5lnkep) guy
Where does the General keep his armies? In his sleevies.
Where does the General keep his armies? In his sleevies.
Where does the little king keep his little armies? Up his little sleevies.
Where does the little king keep his little armies? Up his little sleevies.
Where does the thumb meet its type? At the SPACE BAR! reddit is fun! I'm staring at the keyboard tryin' to think up a joke and voila'!
Where does the thumb meet its type? At the SPACE BAR! reddit is fun! I'm staring at the keyboard tryin' to think up a joke and voila'!
Where is Engagement, Ohio? Between Dayton and Marion.
Where is Engagement, Ohio? Between Dayton and Marion.
Which celebrity is great at creating probate documents? Will Smith
Which celebrity is great at creating probate documents? Will Smith
Which cheese is the loneliest? Prov alone!
Which cheese is the loneliest? Prov alone!
Which day do chickens fear most? Fryday.
Which day do chickens fear most? Fryday.
Which fairground ride is made of iron? The ferrous wheel
Which fairground ride is made of iron? The ferrous wheel
Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot is faster. Anyone can catch a cold.
Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot is faster. Anyone can catch a cold.
Which is the most silky planet? Satin!
Which is the most silky planet? Satin!
Which kitchen appliance tells the best jokes? The beater he cracks everybody up!
Which kitchen appliance tells the best jokes? The beater he cracks everybody up!
Which letter of the alphabet is the laziest? letter G (lethargy)
Which letter of the alphabet is the laziest? letter G (lethargy)
Which Pokemon got a cold? Pik a choo.
Which Pokemon got a cold? Pik a choo.
Which side of a horse has the most hair? The OUTSIDE! oh my goodness, that's hilarious! ~Skip
Which side of a horse has the most hair? The OUTSIDE! oh my goodness, that's hilarious! ~Skip
Which US state is the friendliest towards the Japanese? Ohio
Which US state is the friendliest towards the Japanese? Ohio
Which way will it fall? If a rooster lays an egg on a pointed roof, which way will it land? Roosters don't lay eggs
Which way will it fall? If a rooster lays an egg on a pointed roof, which way will it land? Roosters don't lay eggs
Which whiskey should you buy if you want to dance all night? Wild Twerky!
Which whiskey should you buy if you want to dance all night? Wild Twerky!
Which word is the longest in the English language? Smiles because there is a mile between the first and last letters
Which word is the longest in the English language? Smiles because there is a mile between the first and last letters
Who invented fractions? Henry the 1/8
Who invented fractions? Henry the 1/8
Who is the only superhuman Frozone can't deal with? Thor.
Who is the only superhuman Frozone can't deal with? Thor.
Who is the roundest knight at King Arthur's table? Sir Cumference.
Who is the roundest knight at King Arthur's table? Sir Cumference.
Who is William Shatner's mythical nemesis? The Lepre khaaaaannnnn!!!!!
Who is William Shatner's mythical nemesis? The Lepre khaaaaannnnn!!!!!
Who makes the sweetest video games? Masahiro Saccharide
Who makes the sweetest video games? Masahiro Saccharide
Who was the chicken's favorite musician? BAAAACH BACH BACH BACH
Who was the chicken's favorite musician? BAAAACH BACH BACH BACH
Who was the knight that invented the round table? Sir Cumference. (via friend who got this from a street performance group in the England area of Epcot)
Who was the knight that invented the round table? Sir Cumference. (via friend who got this from a street performance group in the England area of Epcot)
Who was the most important Knight of the Round Table? Sir Cumference.
Who was the most important Knight of the Round Table? Sir Cumference.
Who was the only novelist with both direction and magnitude? Vector Hugo.
Who was the only novelist with both direction and magnitude? Vector Hugo.
Who's bad at baseball but fun at parties? A pitcher filled with margaritas!
Who's bad at baseball but fun at parties? A pitcher filled with margaritas!
Who's the world's greatest underwater spy? Pond. James Pond.
Who's the world's greatest underwater spy? Pond. James Pond.
Why are bears so hairy ? They don't have salons in the jungle !
Why are bears so hairy ? They don't have salons in the jungle !
Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one *tale*
Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one *tale*
Why are colds such bad robbers? Because they're so easy to catch!
Why are colds such bad robbers? Because they're so easy to catch!
Why are giraffes slow to apologize? It takes them a long time to swallow their pride
Why are giraffes slow to apologize? It takes them a long time to swallow their pride
Why are giraffes' necks so long? Because their heads are so far away from their bodies.
Why are giraffes' necks so long? Because their heads are so far away from their bodies.
Why are horses never overweight? They're on a stable diet.
Why are horses never overweight? They're on a stable diet.
Why are locomotive drivers so good at driving locomotives? Because they were trained.
Why are locomotive drivers so good at driving locomotives? Because they were trained.
Why are manhole covers round? Because manholes are round.
Why are manhole covers round? Because manholes are round.
Why are pirates so mean? I dont know, they just arrrrrrrrr!
Why are pirates so mean? I dont know, they just arrrrrrrrr!
Why are proteins so cranky? Because they're made of a mean ol' acids.
Why are proteins so cranky? Because they're made of a mean ol' acids.
Why are some chillies nosy? They're jalapeno business
Why are some chillies nosy? They're jalapeno business
Why are the nordic countries the best countries to live in? Their flags are big plusses.
Why are the nordic countries the best countries to live in? Their flags are big plusses.
Why are there fences around graveyards? people are just dying to get in there these days.
Why are there fences around graveyards? people are just dying to get in there these days.
Why are there no midget accountants? They always come up short.
Why are there no midget accountants? They always come up short.
Why are there only two hundred and thirty nine beans in a bowl of bean soup? Because just one more and it would be two farty
Why are there only two hundred and thirty nine beans in a bowl of bean soup? Because just one more and it would be two farty
Why aren't sumos chummy with racecar drivers? They move in different circles.
Why aren't sumos chummy with racecar drivers? They move in different circles.
Why arent koalas actual bears? They dont meet the koalafications.
Why arent koalas actual bears? They dont meet the koalafications.
Why can't a Pirate make it through their ABC's? They always get lost at C.
Why can't a Pirate make it through their ABC's? They always get lost at C.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom ... because the "p" is silent
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom ... because the "p" is silent
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl urinate? Because of the silent P.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl urinate? Because of the silent P.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl use the restroom? Because the *p* is silent
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl use the restroom? Because the *p* is silent
Why can't you run in a camp ground? You can only 'ran'; it's past tents.
Why can't you run in a camp ground? You can only 'ran'; it's past tents.
Why cant college students take exams at the zoo? Too many cheetahs
Why cant college students take exams at the zoo? Too many cheetahs
Why couldn't Bach pay for his dinner? Because he was Baroque.
Why couldn't Bach pay for his dinner? Because he was Baroque.
Why couldn't Elsa hold on to a balloon? She would always let it go.
Why couldn't Elsa hold on to a balloon? She would always let it go.
Why couldn't Joe be friends with a double amputee? Because he's lack toes intolerant.
Why couldn't Joe be friends with a double amputee? Because he's lack toes intolerant.
Why couldn't the alligator satisfy his lover? He had a reptile dysfunction.
Why couldn't the alligator satisfy his lover? He had a reptile dysfunction.
Why couldn't the hunter cook breakfast? The game warden found out he poached his eggs!
Why couldn't the hunter cook breakfast? The game warden found out he poached his eggs!
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning? He was *too far out, maaan*.
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning? He was *too far out, maaan*.
Why couldn't the melons be together? Everyone knows melons cantaloupe.
Why couldn't the melons be together? Everyone knows melons cantaloupe.
Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet? Because he was always lost at C.
Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet? Because he was always lost at C.
Why couldn't the pony sing? He was a little horse.
Why couldn't the pony sing? He was a little horse.
Why couldn't the skeleton cross the street? Because he didn't have the guts!
Why couldn't the skeleton cross the street? Because he didn't have the guts!
Why couldn't the woman date a German man? Because she was Klaustrophobic!
Why couldn't the woman date a German man? Because she was Klaustrophobic!
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, Bach, Bach, Bach ...
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, Bach, Bach, Bach ...
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, Bach, Bach, Bach"
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, Bach, Bach, Bach"
Why did Beethoven kill off his chickens? They kept saying, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
Why did Beethoven kill off his chickens? They kept saying, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
Why did everyone trust the marsupial? Everything he said was troo
Why did everyone trust the marsupial? Everything he said was troo
Why did Little Miss Muffet have GPS on her Tuffet? To keep her from losing her whey.
Why did Little Miss Muffet have GPS on her Tuffet? To keep her from losing her whey.
Why did Mrs. G**** leave Mr. G****? She was tired of raisin kids.
Why did Mrs. G**** leave Mr. G****? She was tired of raisin kids.
Why did no one ever consider Tony Stark (the Iron Man) a protagonist? Because he was always cited as the Anthony hero.
Why did no one ever consider Tony Stark (the Iron Man) a protagonist? Because he was always cited as the Anthony hero.
Why did peanut butter flop at the talent show? He didn't have the right jam.
Why did peanut butter flop at the talent show? He didn't have the right jam.
Why did the air freshener company go out of business? Because they lacked common scents...
Why did the air freshener company go out of business? Because they lacked common scents...
Why did the bacteria cross the microscope? To get to the other slide
Why did the bacteria cross the microscope? To get to the other slide
Why did the bald man draw rabbits all over his head? From a distance they look like hares!
Why did the bald man draw rabbits all over his head? From a distance they look like hares!
Why did the banker leave his job? he lost interest
Why did the banker leave his job? he lost interest
Why did the bee go to the doctor? Because he had hives.
Why did the bee go to the doctor? Because he had hives.
Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired
Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired
Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired.
Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired.
Why did the bigamist cross the road? To get to the other bride.
Why did the bigamist cross the road? To get to the other bride.
Why did the boy take a ladder to school? He wanted to go to high school.
Why did the boy take a ladder to school? He wanted to go to high school.
Why did the boy take a pencil and paper to bed? He was told to draw the curtains before going to sleep.
Why did the boy take a pencil and paper to bed? He was told to draw the curtains before going to sleep.
Why did the boy throw a clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly.
Why did the boy throw a clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly.
Why did the Buddhist monk refuse Novocain? Because he wanted to transcend dental medication.
Why did the Buddhist monk refuse Novocain? Because he wanted to transcend dental medication.
Why did the buddhist refuse novocaine when he went to get a tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Why did the buddhist refuse novocaine when he went to get a tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Why did the bullet stay home? Because it got fired!
Why did the bullet stay home? Because it got fired!
Why did the chef invest in chicken and cow bones? He wanted to buy stock options.
Why did the chef invest in chicken and cow bones? He wanted to buy stock options.
Why did the chess master order a Russian bride? He needed a Chech mate!
Why did the chess master order a Russian bride? He needed a Chech mate!
Why did the Chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide
Why did the Chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
Why did the chicken cross the road half way? She wanted to lay it on the line.
Why did the chicken cross the road half way? She wanted to lay it on the line.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from Gordon ramsey
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from Gordon ramsey
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the moron's house. *knock knock* ^^Whose ^^there? *the chicken...*
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the moron's house. *knock knock* ^^Whose ^^there? *the chicken...*
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the opossum it could be done.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the opossum it could be done.
Why did the chicken kill itself? To get to the other side.
Why did the chicken kill itself? To get to the other side.
Why did the chicken lay an egg? (Quoted from daughter at age 3) To get food for her babies!
Why did the chicken lay an egg? (Quoted from daughter at age 3) To get food for her babies!
Why did the chicken soup cross the road? Because it was down hill!
Why did the chicken soup cross the road? Because it was down hill!
Why did the chicken? Q: Why did the chicken cross the road naked? A: Because chickens don't wear clothes.
Why did the chicken? Q: Why did the chicken cross the road naked? A: Because chickens don't wear clothes.
Why did the coffee file a police report? Because it was mugged.
Why did the coffee file a police report? Because it was mugged.
Why did the cop wake up his son? To stop a kid napping.
Why did the cop wake up his son? To stop a kid napping.
Why did the Country Bear Jamboree bear blush? Because he was a bear a singing. ..... I am at Disney with the kids this week...
Why did the Country Bear Jamboree bear blush? Because he was a bear a singing. ..... I am at Disney with the kids this week...
Why did the cow go to the psychologist? She had a fodder complex.
Why did the cow go to the psychologist? She had a fodder complex.
Why did the cowgirl name her pony ink? Because it kept running out of the pen!! My favorite joke when young :).
Why did the cowgirl name her pony ink? Because it kept running out of the pen!! My favorite joke when young :).
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken didn't exist.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken didn't exist.
Why did the dog go into the water? Because he didn't want to be a hot dog.
Why did the dog go into the water? Because he didn't want to be a hot dog.
Why did the dog sleep on the chandelier? Because he was a light sleeper.
Why did the dog sleep on the chandelier? Because he was a light sleeper.
Why did the elephant turn around in the airport and go home? He forgot to pack his trunk.
Why did the elephant turn around in the airport and go home? He forgot to pack his trunk.
Why did the Fall break off from all the other seasons? Because it wanted autumnomy
Why did the Fall break off from all the other seasons? Because it wanted autumnomy
Why did the fly fly? Because the spider spied her.
Why did the fly fly? Because the spider spied her.
Why did the fox cross the road? It was chassing after the chicken!
Why did the fox cross the road? It was chassing after the chicken!
Why did the girl quit her job at the donut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.
Why did the girl quit her job at the donut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.
Why did the girltree fall in love with the boy tree? He was sappy
Why did the girltree fall in love with the boy tree? He was sappy
Why did the golfer need to buy a new pair of socks? Because he got a hole in one!
Why did the golfer need to buy a new pair of socks? Because he got a hole in one!
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants In case he gets a hole in one
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants In case he gets a hole in one
Why did the hippie drown? He was too *far out*!
Why did the hippie drown? He was too *far out*!
Why did the jellyroll? He saw the apple turnover.
Why did the jellyroll? He saw the apple turnover.
Why did the knife quit? It couldn't CUT IT! woohoo! I made this one up while sitting at a buffet table. Enjoy! ~Skip
Why did the knife quit? It couldn't CUT IT! woohoo! I made this one up while sitting at a buffet table. Enjoy! ~Skip
Why did the Kurd bury his music collection? His tribesman said "ISIL is approaching, and they're coming for Yazidis."
Why did the Kurd bury his music collection? His tribesman said "ISIL is approaching, and they're coming for Yazidis."
Why did the lettuce get arrested? ...for disturbing the peas!
Why did the lettuce get arrested? ...for disturbing the peas!
Why did the library book go to the doctor? It needed to be checked out; it had a bloated appendix.
Why did the library book go to the doctor? It needed to be checked out; it had a bloated appendix.
Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
Why did the man throw his watch out the window? He wanted to see time fly!
Why did the man throw his watch out the window? He wanted to see time fly!
Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop!
Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop!
Why did the mechanic go to art school? Because he wanted to learn how to make a van go!
Why did the mechanic go to art school? Because he wanted to learn how to make a van go!
Why did the melon get married in a church? Because he was in love with a cantaloupe.
Why did the melon get married in a church? Because he was in love with a cantaloupe.
Why did the melon try so hard to get her father's approval? Because she cant aloupe
Why did the melon try so hard to get her father's approval? Because she cant aloupe
Why did the mobster buy a planner? So he could organize his crime
Why did the mobster buy a planner? So he could organize his crime
Why did the mortgage broker go out of business? ...because he lost interest.
Why did the mortgage broker go out of business? ...because he lost interest.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because the octopus was well armed.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because the octopus was well armed.
Why did the orange move to veggieland? So he could live in peas and hominy.
Why did the orange move to veggieland? So he could live in peas and hominy.
Why did the packaged green onion get into trouble? Because it was a wrapped scallion.
Why did the packaged green onion get into trouble? Because it was a wrapped scallion.
Why did the paper follow the pencil? Because it LED THE WAY! I'm on a roll here! this is fun! ~Skip
Why did the paper follow the pencil? Because it LED THE WAY! I'm on a roll here! this is fun! ~Skip
Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon? There was no atmosphere
Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon? There was no atmosphere
Why did the pie go to the dentist? It needed a filling.
Why did the pie go to the dentist? It needed a filling.
Why did the puppy get away with committing murder? ...He had paws able deniability.
Why did the puppy get away with committing murder? ...He had paws able deniability.
Why did the rabbit go to rehab? He was hopped up on easter eggs.
Why did the rabbit go to rehab? He was hopped up on easter eggs.
Why did the raisin take the prune to the new year's ball? Because he couldn't find a date!
Why did the raisin take the prune to the new year's ball? Because he couldn't find a date!
Why did the rap battle champion get the most spacious and accessible seat on the bus? Because of his dis ability.
Why did the rap battle champion get the most spacious and accessible seat on the bus? Because of his dis ability.
Why did the redditor go to /r/zelda? To boost his link karma! (X post from /r/Jokes)
Why did the redditor go to /r/zelda? To boost his link karma! (X post from /r/Jokes)
Why did the rope get put in timeout? Because he was very knotty.
Why did the rope get put in timeout? Because he was very knotty.
Why did the Russians use peanuts for torture in the Cold War? Because in Soviet Russia, Nut Cracks You!
Why did the Russians use peanuts for torture in the Cold War? Because in Soviet Russia, Nut Cracks You!
Why did the sand dune blush? Because the sea weed
Why did the sand dune blush? Because the sea weed
Why did the scale decide that the scam artists were heavier than the novels? Because the cons outweighed the prose.
Why did the scale decide that the scam artists were heavier than the novels? Because the cons outweighed the prose.
Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field.
Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field.
Why did the skeleton not attend prom? He had no body to go with.
Why did the skeleton not attend prom? He had no body to go with.
Why did the snail draw an "S" on the side of his car? So that when he drove by people could say, "Look at that escargot!"
Why did the snail draw an "S" on the side of his car? So that when he drove by people could say, "Look at that escargot!"
Why did the snail drink beer? To come out of its shell!
Why did the snail drink beer? To come out of its shell!
Why did the spider land on the keyboard? She wanted a new website.
Why did the spider land on the keyboard? She wanted a new website.
Why did the Spy cross the road? 'Cause he wasn't really on your side.
Why did the Spy cross the road? 'Cause he wasn't really on your side.
Why did the squirrel cross the road on the telephone wire? To be on the safe side!
Why did the squirrel cross the road on the telephone wire? To be on the safe side!
Why did the SSD burn a flag? Because it was a Patriot Blaze
Why did the SSD burn a flag? Because it was a Patriot Blaze
Why did the strawberry cry? Because his mother was in a jam.
Why did the strawberry cry? Because his mother was in a jam.
Why did the strawberry go out with the pineapple? Because he couldn't get a date!
Why did the strawberry go out with the pineapple? Because he couldn't get a date!
Why did the superhero make a lot of shredded cheese? It was for the grater good.
Why did the superhero make a lot of shredded cheese? It was for the grater good.
Why did the tissue get up and dance? It had a little boogy in it.
Why did the tissue get up and dance? It had a little boogy in it.
Why did the tomato turned red? Because it saw the salad dressing
Why did the tomato turned red? Because it saw the salad dressing
Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the nearest Shell Station!
Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the nearest Shell Station!
Why did the twinkie go to the dentist? He lost his filling!
Why did the twinkie go to the dentist? He lost his filling!
Why did the vampire use mouthwash? Because he had bat breath
Why did the vampire use mouthwash? Because he had bat breath
Why did the vegetable band break up? They couldn't keep a beet.
Why did the vegetable band break up? They couldn't keep a beet.
Why did the wave fail the driving test? It kept crashing on the beach.
Why did the wave fail the driving test? It kept crashing on the beach.
Why did the Wise Man get 25 to life? Myrrhder
Why did the Wise Man get 25 to life? Myrrhder
Why did the woman buy new wine glasses? Because the ones she was using made everything blurry.
Why did the woman buy new wine glasses? Because the ones she was using made everything blurry.
Why did tomato blush? because it saw the salad dressing
Why did tomato blush? because it saw the salad dressing
Why did Trump insist on Hillary Clinton as Secretary of state? He doesn't believe women should get above secretary
Why did Trump insist on Hillary Clinton as Secretary of state? He doesn't believe women should get above secretary
Why did Woodrow Wilson take a long time to turn around? Because he could only make 14 point turns.
Why did Woodrow Wilson take a long time to turn around? Because he could only make 14 point turns.
Why didn't Silento knock before coming inside? Because you already know who it's isss! My little sister told me this joke.
Why didn't Silento knock before coming inside? Because you already know who it's isss! My little sister told me this joke.
Why didn't the american leek want to talk to the japanese leek? because it was negi
Why didn't the american leek want to talk to the japanese leek? because it was negi
Why didn't the bicycle cross the road? ...he was two tired...
Why didn't the bicycle cross the road? ...he was two tired...
Why didn't the bicycle cross the road? because it was two tired.
Why didn't the bicycle cross the road? because it was two tired.
Why didn't the cargo ship want to leave the bay? Because it was a freight!
Why didn't the cargo ship want to leave the bay? Because it was a freight!
Why didn't the Duke of Windsor let his French servant help him tie his tie? He never does it with a four in (foreign) hand.
Why didn't the Duke of Windsor let his French servant help him tie his tie? He never does it with a four in (foreign) hand.
Why didn't the fisherman go to Florida to fish for long jawed fish with rows of razor like teeth? He didn't have a Gar
Why didn't the fisherman go to Florida to fish for long jawed fish with rows of razor like teeth? He didn't have a Gar
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party? He had no *body* to go with
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party? He had no *body* to go with
Why do abcdefghijklmopqrstuvwxy & z hate hanging out with the letter n? Because n always has to be the center of attention.
Why do abcdefghijklmopqrstuvwxy & z hate hanging out with the letter n? Because n always has to be the center of attention.
Why do bears hate shoes so much? They like to run around in their bear feet.
Why do bears hate shoes so much? They like to run around in their bear feet.
Why do birds fly south for the winter? because its too far to walk!
Why do birds fly south for the winter? because its too far to walk!
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.
Why do ducks have flat feet? To stomp out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out flaming ducks.
Why do ducks have flat feet? To stomp out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out flaming ducks.
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stomp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out the burning ducks.
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stomp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out the burning ducks.
Why do elephants hide behind trees? To trip ants.
Why do elephants hide behind trees? To trip ants.
Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So they can hide in cherry trees. You ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? *Then it's working*.
Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So they can hide in cherry trees. You ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? *Then it's working*.
Why do fish always sing off key? Because you can't tune a fish. Say it outloud if you don't get it. I made this one up in first grade IIRC.
Why do fish always sing off key? Because you can't tune a fish. Say it outloud if you don't get it. I made this one up in first grade IIRC.
Why do fish live in salt water? Because *pepper* makes them sneeze!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because *pepper* makes them sneeze!
Why do Gastroenterologists have such a passion for their job? Because they find the components of one's stomach very intestine.
Why do Gastroenterologists have such a passion for their job? Because they find the components of one's stomach very intestine.
Why do ghosts carry tissues? Because they have BOOOOgers.
Why do ghosts carry tissues? Because they have BOOOOgers.
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils? Cos they got big fingers.
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils? Cos they got big fingers.
Why do Hutus hate Dustin Hoffman? He impersonated a Tootsie.
Why do Hutus hate Dustin Hoffman? He impersonated a Tootsie.
Why do Jamaican chickens make fun of all the other chickens? Because they're jerks.
Why do Jamaican chickens make fun of all the other chickens? Because they're jerks.
Why do Java developers wear glasses? Because they don't C#
Why do Java developers wear glasses? Because they don't C#
Why do librarians like the wind? It says, "Shhh!" all day!
Why do librarians like the wind? It says, "Shhh!" all day!
Why do sailors give their wives a bouqet of ropes instead of flowers?? It's a bouqet of forget me knots.
Why do sailors give their wives a bouqet of ropes instead of flowers?? It's a bouqet of forget me knots.
Why do sharks swim in salt water? Because pepper would make them sneeze!
Why do sharks swim in salt water? Because pepper would make them sneeze!
Why do space rocks taste better than earth rocks? Because they are a little meteor
Why do space rocks taste better than earth rocks? Because they are a little meteor
Why do the French like eating snails? Because they can't stand fast food!
Why do the French like eating snails? Because they can't stand fast food!
Why do they call them light bulbs? they don't weigh very much
Why do they call them light bulbs? they don't weigh very much
Why do they make Raisin Bran commercials? For raisin bran awareness.
Why do they make Raisin Bran commercials? For raisin bran awareness.
Why do zombies always kill at comedy clubs? Because their jokes are told post humorously!
Why do zombies always kill at comedy clubs? Because their jokes are told post humorously!
Why does a Bicycle have a kickstand? Because it's two tired.
Why does a Bicycle have a kickstand? Because it's two tired.
Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four it would be a chicken sedan!
Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four it would be a chicken sedan!
Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors? Because if it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken Sedan.
Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors? Because if it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken Sedan.
Why does a chicken coupe only have two doors? If it had four it'd be a chicken sedan!
Why does a chicken coupe only have two doors? If it had four it'd be a chicken sedan!
Why does a milking stool have only three legs? Because the cow has the udder!
Why does a milking stool have only three legs? Because the cow has the udder!
Why does a rapper need an umbrella? Fo' drizzle.
Why does a rapper need an umbrella? Fo' drizzle.
Why does Mario hate Punchbug? Because he bruises like a Peach!
Why does Mario hate Punchbug? Because he bruises like a Peach!
Why does Mr. Pencil hate Mr. Pen so much? Because he is an erascist.
Why does Mr. Pencil hate Mr. Pen so much? Because he is an erascist.
Why does not a forth grader ever take the bus home? Because he knew his parents will make him return it.
Why does not a forth grader ever take the bus home? Because he knew his parents will make him return it.
Why does Snoop Dog carry and umbrella? Fo Drizzle
Why does Snoop Dog carry and umbrella? Fo Drizzle
Why Does Snoop Dogg need an umbrella? For drizzle, my nizzle. :D
Why Does Snoop Dogg need an umbrella? For drizzle, my nizzle. :D
Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella? For Drizzle
Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella? For Drizzle
Why does the dog go to the gym? He wants to get ruff
Why does the dog go to the gym? He wants to get ruff
Why does the Pope only eat munchkins? Cause they're the holy part of the donut!
Why does the Pope only eat munchkins? Cause they're the holy part of the donut!
Why does Thor have insomnia? He's up all night to get Loki.
Why does Thor have insomnia? He's up all night to get Loki.
Why doesn't the sun need to go to University? He's too bright.
Why doesn't the sun need to go to University? He's too bright.
Why don't bears wear boots? Cos they like to walk around in their bear feet.
Why don't bears wear boots? Cos they like to walk around in their bear feet.
Why don't blind people like skydiving? It scares the crap out of the dog.
Why don't blind people like skydiving? It scares the crap out of the dog.
Why don't blind people like to go skydiving? It scares their seeing eye dog.
Why don't blind people like to go skydiving? It scares their seeing eye dog.
Why don't blind people like to skydive? Because it scares the dog.
Why don't blind people like to skydive? Because it scares the dog.
Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares their dogs too much!
Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares their dogs too much!
Why don't Bond villains feel cold in the winter? Because they dress in lairs.
Why don't Bond villains feel cold in the winter? Because they dress in lairs.
Why don't cannibals like clowns? they taste funny!
Why don't cannibals like clowns? they taste funny!
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs!
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs!
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle... ...theres too many cheet ahs
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle... ...theres too many cheet ahs
Why don't melons ever run away and get married? Because they cantaloupe!
Why don't melons ever run away and get married? Because they cantaloupe!
Why don't robots have any brothers anymore? Because they have trans sisters.
Why don't robots have any brothers anymore? Because they have trans sisters.
Why don't tennis players get married? Because to them love means nothing.
Why don't tennis players get married? Because to them love means nothing.
Why don't you see penguins in Britain? Because they're afraid of Wales
Why don't you see penguins in Britain? Because they're afraid of Wales
Why don't you want to hang out with a dude from Chicago? Because 'Illinois you!
Why don't you want to hang out with a dude from Chicago? Because 'Illinois you!
Why don't you want your nose to be 12 inches long? because then it would be a foot!
Why don't you want your nose to be 12 inches long? because then it would be a foot!
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7, 8, 9.
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7, 8, 9.
Why is a shooting star better than a hamburger? It's meteor.
Why is a shooting star better than a hamburger? It's meteor.
Why is Dr. Frankenstein never lonely? He's good at making friends.
Why is Dr. Frankenstein never lonely? He's good at making friends.
Why is Ireland the richest country in the world? Because it's capital is always Dublin.
Why is Ireland the richest country in the world? Because it's capital is always Dublin.
Why is it a bad idea to get in a relationship with a statue? Because it's not going anywhere.
Why is it a bad idea to get in a relationship with a statue? Because it's not going anywhere.
Why is Kim Jong Un like todays music? They both ain't got the same Seoul.
Why is Kim Jong Un like todays music? They both ain't got the same Seoul.
Why is ok to leave the lid off a basket of socialist crabs? Because whenever one of them climbs to the top, the others drag it back down.
Why is ok to leave the lid off a basket of socialist crabs? Because whenever one of them climbs to the top, the others drag it back down.
Why is there very little honey in Belgium? Because there is only one B in Belgium
Why is there very little honey in Belgium? Because there is only one B in Belgium
Why is Yoda afraid of seven? Because six seven eight.
Why is Yoda afraid of seven? Because six seven eight.
Why should you always bring 2 pair of trousers when golfing? In case you get a hole in one.
Why should you always bring 2 pair of trousers when golfing? In case you get a hole in one.
Why should you always knock before opening the refrigerator? Because there might be an Italian dressing.
Why should you always knock before opening the refrigerator? Because there might be an Italian dressing.
Why should you avoid people dressed as celery? They could be stalking you!
Why should you avoid people dressed as celery? They could be stalking you!
Why should you leery of stairs? Because they are always up to something.
Why should you leery of stairs? Because they are always up to something.
Why should you never invest in bakeries? Because they have a high turnover rate.
Why should you never invest in bakeries? Because they have a high turnover rate.
Why shouldn't you have coffee while on the clock? Because that would be "grounds" for termination!
Why shouldn't you have coffee while on the clock? Because that would be "grounds" for termination!
Why was Cinderella banned from playing sports? Because she always ran away from the ball <p> My favorite joke since I was little
Why was Cinderella banned from playing sports? Because she always ran away from the ball <p> My favorite joke since I was little
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? *She ran away from the ball.*
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? *She ran away from the ball.*
Why was Farmer Bob so good at his job? Because he was outstanding in his field
Why was Farmer Bob so good at his job? Because he was outstanding in his field
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft? classical conditioning.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft? classical conditioning.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft? He conditioned it.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft? He conditioned it.
Why was the apricot late to the party? He got stuck in a jam.
Why was the apricot late to the party? He got stuck in a jam.
Why was the belt locked up? Because it held a pair of pants.
Why was the belt locked up? Because it held a pair of pants.
Why was the burrito embarrassed? It saw the salad dressing.
Why was the burrito embarrassed? It saw the salad dressing.
Why was the chicken kicked out of class? For using *fowl* language.
Why was the chicken kicked out of class? For using *fowl* language.
Why was the dolphin happy and the shark depressed? The sharks life lacked porpoise.
Why was the dolphin happy and the shark depressed? The sharks life lacked porpoise.
Why was the egg kicked out of the comedy club? Because he was telling bad yolks!
Why was the egg kicked out of the comedy club? Because he was telling bad yolks!
Why was the Egyptian kid confused? Because his daddy was a mummy
Why was the Egyptian kid confused? Because his daddy was a mummy
Why was the Headless Horseman depressed? He could never seem to get ahead in life.
Why was the Headless Horseman depressed? He could never seem to get ahead in life.
Why was the healthy potato not allowed on the plane? He was on the "No Fry" list.
Why was the healthy potato not allowed on the plane? He was on the "No Fry" list.
Why was the hula hoop a great boxer? It could go round for round.
Why was the hula hoop a great boxer? It could go round for round.
Why was the lobster upset? Because he found out his friends thought he was a little crabby!
Why was the lobster upset? Because he found out his friends thought he was a little crabby!
Why was the math book sad? It had a lot of problems
Why was the math book sad? It had a lot of problems
Why was the panda crying? He had a bambooboo. Aonther one from my 9 year old.
Why was the panda crying? He had a bambooboo. Aonther one from my 9 year old.
Why was the rabbit promoted to brewmaster? All his beers had a lot of hops
Why was the rabbit promoted to brewmaster? All his beers had a lot of hops
Why was the rooster happy after his trip to Vegas? He got clucky.
Why was the rooster happy after his trip to Vegas? He got clucky.
Why was the scarecrow promoted? Because he was outstanding in his field!
Why was the scarecrow promoted? Because he was outstanding in his field!
Why was the school grey? Because it was a Greyed School. I woke up with this joke in my head this morning. I think my brain is trying to kill me with horrible puns.
Why was the school grey? Because it was a Greyed School. I woke up with this joke in my head this morning. I think my brain is trying to kill me with horrible puns.
Why was the tank top more gangster than the tube top? The tube top was strapless.
Why was the tank top more gangster than the tube top? The tube top was strapless.
Why was the tomato blushing? Because it saw the salad dressing!
Why was the tomato blushing? Because it saw the salad dressing!
Why was the tomato blushing? Because it saw the salad dressing.
Why was the tomato blushing? Because it saw the salad dressing.
Why were the breakfast potatoes running around hitting each other? HashTag!
Why were the breakfast potatoes running around hitting each other? HashTag!
Why were the Libyans eating money? They were having dinar.
Why were the Libyans eating money? They were having dinar.
Why were the treefrog's stories always so attention grabbing? Because he was absolutely ribbeting!
Why were the treefrog's stories always so attention grabbing? Because he was absolutely ribbeting!
Why were Wrigley, Doublemint, and Orbit watching CNN? To find out the latest on gum control legislation.
Why were Wrigley, Doublemint, and Orbit watching CNN? To find out the latest on gum control legislation.
Why would no one listen to the percussion section? Because they couldn't drum up enough support.
Why would no one listen to the percussion section? Because they couldn't drum up enough support.
Why'd the hipster burn his mouth on his coffee? Because he drank it before it was cool.
Why'd the hipster burn his mouth on his coffee? Because he drank it before it was cool.
Will Smith joke How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for fresh prince...
Will Smith joke How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for fresh prince...
Will Smith's website isn't responding. What do you do? Refresh Prince of Bel Air.
Will Smith's website isn't responding. What do you do? Refresh Prince of Bel Air.
Will you tell you the story of the huge sad wall? I shouldn't, you'll never get over it.
Will you tell you the story of the huge sad wall? I shouldn't, you'll never get over it.
Wise man once say... He who runs in front of car will get tired, He who runs behind car will get exhausted.
Wise man once say... He who runs in front of car will get tired, He who runs behind car will get exhausted.
With a name like Freddy Mercury... shouldn't he have done heavy metal?
With a name like Freddy Mercury... shouldn't he have done heavy metal?
Words can't possibly describe how beautiful you are... But numbers can 4/10
Words can't possibly describe how beautiful you are... But numbers can 4/10
X post from r/jokes: "Hey! The dog you sold me yesterday just fell over and died today!" "Huh, strange. He's never done that before."
X post from r/jokes: "Hey! The dog you sold me yesterday just fell over and died today!" "Huh, strange. He's never done that before."
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose... But you can't pick your friend's nose
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose... But you can't pick your friend's nose
You can tune a guitar... but you can't tuna fish!
You can tune a guitar... but you can't tuna fish!
You know what I hate about fashion designers? They are so clothes minded.
You know what I hate about fashion designers? They are so clothes minded.
You know what they say about men that have big feet? #They wear big shoes! *Come on guys, this is /r/cleanjokes! Get your minds out of the gutter!*
You know what they say about men that have big feet? #They wear big shoes! *Come on guys, this is /r/cleanjokes! Get your minds out of the gutter!*
You know why ancient Greek children were always getting lost from their parents? 'Cause they kept Roman around!
You know why ancient Greek children were always getting lost from their parents? 'Cause they kept Roman around!
You'd think that people who kept their head warm would tend to be healthier... but as it turns out, people who wear turbans are actually more likely to be Sikh
You'd think that people who kept their head warm would tend to be healthier... but as it turns out, people who wear turbans are actually more likely to be Sikh
2 fish in a tank, one says to the other Do you know how to drive this thing?
2 fish in a tank, one says to the other Do you know how to drive this thing?
6:30 is the best time on a clock... ...hands down.
6:30 is the best time on a clock... ...hands down.
16 sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman.
16 sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman.
...walks into a bar... A golfer, a priest and a lawyer walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and asks, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
...walks into a bar... A golfer, a priest and a lawyer walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and asks, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
"Stay strong!" I said to my wi fi signal.
"Stay strong!" I said to my wi fi signal.
"We don't serve time travelers here" A time traveler walks into a bar.
"We don't serve time travelers here" A time traveler walks into a bar.
"What kind of house does cheese like to live in?" "A cottage"
"What kind of house does cheese like to live in?" "A cottage"
(True story) So my friend saw me browsing this subreddit and he said... "Is this a subreddit for really bad jokes?"
(True story) So my friend saw me browsing this subreddit and he said... "Is this a subreddit for really bad jokes?"
[ This one from the great /u/KingOfRibbles ] "My sink was a bit dirty " " but all it needed was a little ...wiping!!!"
[ This one from the great /u/KingOfRibbles ] "My sink was a bit dirty " " but all it needed was a little ...wiping!!!"
[My Joke] Where do noodles get their nails done? At the spa getti.
[My Joke] Where do noodles get their nails done? At the spa getti.
[My Joke] Why do galaxies put on boring shows while separated? Because their performance is lack cluster.
[My Joke] Why do galaxies put on boring shows while separated? Because their performance is lack cluster.
[OC c/o my 9 y.o.] What holds up a bowl's pants? Suspoonders!
[OC c/o my 9 y.o.] What holds up a bowl's pants? Suspoonders!
[OC] How does Gandhi measure passive resistance? In oooooohms.
[OC] How does Gandhi measure passive resistance? In oooooohms.
[OC] Why couldn't the dragon breathe fire? He had a cold
[OC] Why couldn't the dragon breathe fire? He had a cold
[PICKLE] Our first chance to help our new ally! http://www.reddit.com/r/pickle/comments/1a2xg8/next attack for our entire army march 12th at 520/
[PICKLE] Our first chance to help our new ally! http://www.reddit.com/r/pickle/comments/1a2xg8/next attack for our entire army march 12th at 520/
*THUD* "What was that?" "My pants fell down." "...Why so loud?" "I'm wearing them."
*THUD* "What was that?" "My pants fell down." "...Why so loud?" "I'm wearing them."
/r/askreddit thread "What's the best clean joke you know" with thousands of replies http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/zrotp/whats the best clean joke you know/
/r/askreddit thread "What's the best clean joke you know" with thousands of replies http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/zrotp/whats the best clean joke you know/
/r/cleanjokes hits 10K subscribers **/r/cleanjokes metrics:** Total Subscribers: 10,000 Subreddit Rank: 2,246 Milestones & Subreddit Growth: http://redditmetrics.com/r/cleanjokes
/r/cleanjokes hits 10K subscribers **/r/cleanjokes metrics:** Total Subscribers: 10,000 Subreddit Rank: 2,246 Milestones & Subreddit Growth: http://redditmetrics.com/r/cleanjokes
/r/pickle welcomes it's newest ally. It's always good to have clean jokes. I due urge the mods to add us to your sidebar, due to the fact that you are on ours.
/r/pickle welcomes it's newest ally. It's always good to have clean jokes. I due urge the mods to add us to your sidebar, due to the fact that you are on ours.
~tips fedora at mosquito~ Mlaria
~tips fedora at mosquito~ Mlaria

You Might Also Like:

Donald Trump 1 Donald trump your fired Count von Count : Sesame Street Donald Trump We Are a Nation Donald Trump Roast 💬 Donald Trump HiFi TTS Computer AI Voice Donald Trump : Rosie O'Donnell You're Fired Donald Trump Singing Donald Trump and Joe Biden AI Song Cover… Donald Trump Waze GPS Donald Trump Swears Hoax Meme soundboard for stream Donald Trump Ringtones
Viral
TTS
Funny
Popular
Updated
Random
Hot
Random NSFW Most Popular NSFW Recent NSFW
Categories