Mars Attacks! (1996) Soundboard Edit

A date sounds good

A fleet of vehicles which can best be described as flying saucers

A message from the martians

A message from the Martians.

A powerful memory is in the making not just for me but for all mankind

A silver ramp is coming out like a giant tongue oh

Aah!

Abraham lincoln meets leave it to beaver you know the sort of thing yes sir

Abraham Lincoln meets Leave It to Beaver. You know the sort of thing. Heh.

Adios

Ah getting more comfortable I see

Ahem but seriously this is tremendously exciting

Ak ak ak ak ak ak ak ak! (martian speaking in alien language)

Ak ak ak ak ak ak! (martian speaking in alien language)

Ak ak ak ak ak ak! ak ak ak ak (speaking in alien language)

Ak ak ak! (speaks in alien language)

Ak!

All green of skin 800 centuries ago

All right

An advanced civilization is by definition not barbaric

And I personally guarantee that you will get a complete return on your investment within five months

And I want a cop on every corner

And I want the people to know that the garbage will still be carried out

And I want the people to know...

And I want to thank my grandma for always being so good to me and for helping save the world and everything

And I want to thank my grandma for always being so good to me...

And if we notice down here behind the optic chiasm several glands

And if we notice down here, behind the optic chiasm...

And if you think you can make a nickel in this town without knowing how to dally around a few curves well you don't know diddlysquat about the gaming industry

And it's so perfect that it's happening at the beginning of the new millennium

And jerry i'll need a good speech statesman like historical and yet warm and neighborly

And let me make it clear you have nothing to fear from us

And of course down here we have the aorta up here we have the sphinx

And our world will never feel quite the same again

And rest assured that working together we will soon come out at a very real outcome thank you

And soon we will become one solar system

And the news that I have heard today ranks right up there

And then the martians heard our global karmic cry for help

And three, the large cerebrum here indicates...

And we have the united states army that'll fight you to the last man and we'll never surrender

And whoever lives and believes in me shall never die

And you do please call me donald

And you, do please call me Donald.

Annihilate kill! kill! kill!

Anyway look things have been a little lean around here and I was wondering if I could get a raise

Anyway, look. Things have been a little lean around here...

Are the kids there yeah hold on

Are they too old fashioned yes no I don't think so

Are you out of your mind i'm not going to start a war

Are you positive this thing is gonna work

Are you sure I shouldn't be there

Are you sure I shouldn't be there?

Art are you still spinning your wheels on that cockamamie hotel

Art, are you still spinning your wheels on that cockamamie hotel?

As soon as I get back to the base

As you know earlier today the martian ambassador and his confederates attacked and killed many of your representatives on capitol hill

Assholes why did I listen to them I should have stayed in the hotel

Barbara can I have the gun back please barbara give me the gun and come on!

Barbara go with him okay

Be careful boy bye bye

Because eleanor roosevelt was too fond of chintz that's why

Because Eleanor Roosevelt was too fond of chintz. That's why.

Because if you want, I could give you a personalized tour.

Because we didn't get into the canals the martian canals are actually canyons some of them are over 100 miles deep

Because we're different?

Because you know i've watched you on tv quite a bit and well i've had something of a schoolboy crush on you for oh gosh ages

Because you're cooking up a feast

Because, you know, I've watched you on TV quite a bit...

Billy glenn norris gave his life defending our country

Billy glenn norris is a true american hero

Billy Glenn Norris is a true American hero.

Boy! richie come back here!

Budget negotiations may be dead in the water after this week

Bullshit! the airfield's over there!

But didn't I always tell you honey if I just stayed in place and never spoke up good things were bound to happen yeah okay

But don't you realize what you're doing you're destroying the earth all this greed this money system you're destroying everything

But I was thinking maybe instead of houses we could live in tepees because it's better in a lot of ways

But when I see you hanging about with anyone it's not unusual to see me cry I wanna die

Bye bye grandma

Bye bye honey

Bye bye you be careful baby okay don't get yourself killed

Bye bye, Grandma

Byron byron byron

Byron is everything all right you still coming tomorrow

Byron there's martians everywhere

Byron williams

Byron williams heavyweight champion of the world

Byron williams telephone byron williams that's me I gotta go

Byron you're a nice guy but I can get leon spinks or buster douglas for the same money maybe less

Byron!

Byron?

Call me nathalie

Can we go this way sorry ma'am there's a tour going through here

Can you speak up we can't hear you

Can't expect the same luck twice

Cedric neville

Cindy come with me

Cindy get in the plane what

Cindy over here

Come here

Come here for what i'm not gonna hurt you now come here

Come on barbara

Come on come on papa needs a new pair of shoes

Come on kid i'm not that old

Come on this way!

Coming out of commercial in five four three two

Cool

Corinthian if they got it

Daddy! daddy! daddy!

Darling we got plumb lucky with billy glenn

Did any one of you traitors see my muffy

Did you see that?

Didn't I tell you this would happen

Die you alien shithead!

Die, you alien shithead!

Do the martians have two sexes like we do

Do we know they're warships

Do we know they're warships?

Do you got a girlfriend no

Do you have to drink in front of me

Do you hear me we'll fight you on the beaches we'll fight you on the street we will never never surrender

Do you hear me?

Do you know anyone who can fly a plane

Doctor thank you professor

Don't run we are your friends

Don't run we are your friends don't run we are your friends

Don't shoot

Don't shoot.

Don't worry darling

Don't worry, darling.

Doorway is opening

Doorway is opening.

Ethel that reminds me

Everything is fixed now general you may speak

Excellent sir I have prepared the order

Excuse me but you said you wanted to know as soon as we had an analysis of the gum

Excuse me folks but we gotta make an unscheduled stop

Extraterrestrial life

Feels good don't it

Finished! one minute 57 seconds

Fire!

Fire!

First, I just want to say

Florence norris I hereby present to you the congressional medal of honor the highest decoration our nation can bestow

For dark is the suede that mows like a harvest

For many years i've been refining a translating computer the results are not perfect but this may answer some of your questions

For some picky reason the secret service don't want the executive branch and the legislative branch in the same room at the same time

Frame enlargements provide an astonishing sight

Fresh baked Monday.

From hollywood we bring you the lawrence welk show

From Hollywood, we bring you The Lawrence Welk Show.

From the limited information available i've made three extrapolations

From the limited information available, I've made three extrapolations.

Galaxy's gonna be the best hotel in vegas the best I promise

Galaxy's gonna be world class

Gee whiz

General casey

General casey do you have an opinion

General casey you think you can handle it i'd be proud

General decker if you do not shut up

General decker it seems I owe you an apology

General they're sending coordinates

Gentlemen there is no way that we can lose

Get back there I don't want to hear another word

Get down!

Get your butt on the bus get on that bus boy

Girls get out! get out! get out! get out!

Give me your ma again all right all right hold on mom

Give them room that's it give them room

Go get it started

Go go!

Go to Camera 2!

Good but keep a lid on it key media good cross section of guests

Good evening my fellow americans

Good morning it's nice to see you all again

Good night and god bless you all

Goodbye I love you I love you too nathalie

Goodbye my darling I wish things could've been different so do i

Goodbye thomas it's billy glenn grandma I know thomas ha ha ha

Goodbye.

Grandma are you okay

Grandma I bet you never thought you'd live to see the martians coming to earth

Grandma i'm richie I know thomas

Grandma!

Grandma!

Greetings I am general casey commanding officer of the armed forces of the united states of america

Greetings I am the martian ambassador

Guess it wasn't the dove

Guys come on give me a break go on in there and start cleaning your room I can't do all this by myself please look at you

Ha ha you did really

Ha ha! didn't I tell you under two minutes you did

Ha ha. You did? Really?

Hair looks good I like the hair

He did say that we come in peace yes

He did that well

He just copped a feel

He who believes in me though he die yet shall he live

He who believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live.

He's going to throw them off so we can escape

He's interrupting everybody

He's the chairman of the american academy of astronautics

Heh i'm glad somebody did

Hello

Hello byron! byron!

Hello gentlemen nice of you to come on such short notice

Hello hello operator operator this is an emergency! help! please!

Hello maurice ca va tres bien

Hello my name is barbara hello barbara

Hello the martians have attacked

Hello, my name is Barbara

Hello?

Here it is

Here it is.

Here lock and load

Here you want my watch take it take it go on it's a rolex

Hey are you doing anything because if you want I could give you a personalized tour would you like that

Hey are you still cool on me coming to washington

Hey barbara yeah you all right

Hey dad who's that neville yeah

Hey grandma you gonna be okay

Hey hey just because you're dressed like king tut doesn't mean you're our leader

Hey howdy there mr lee

Hey I saw you fight in cardiff wales once yeah

Hey listen i've been thinking about martians when there wasn't no martians

Hey ma you want a doughnut how old are they fresh baked monday richie that's six days ago okay give me a couple

Hey mitch good morning miss

Hey mitch it's me can you let me in

Hey poppy all these people all of them here to see you mm mwah

Hey that was a hell of a punch

Hey this is work baby okay

Hey this martian thing is pretty awesome huh

Hey we all make mistakes mr president

Hey what's that that is a portrait of james monroe

Hey you're tom jones right it ain't unusual

Hey, are you doing anything?

Hey, Poppy. All these people...

Hey, you're Tom Jones, right?

Hey! cut it out!

Hey! hey am I the only one shooting craps here

Hi everybody first I just want to say

Hi hi there want a date how about it

Hi there are you interested in the white house

Hi. Yoo hoo.

Hmm

Ho! shh! shh quiet

Holy mother of god did you see that

How do byron

How many centuries did he say eight hundred sir

How you doing

How's my lady doing

I am an alcoholic but I haven't had a drink in three months

I and all my colleagues are extremely excited good

I apologize for interrupting your regular programs but I have a very important announcement to make

I apologize for interrupting your regular programs...

I belong to you

I bet people were pretty scared when they invented the train

I can smell it all the way from the interstate

I can't hear you!

I don't care i'm gonna go get grandma

I don't know it's some sort of emergency announcement or something

I even loaded a plane with supplies

I faced that demon I don't want him coming out again

I feel this is the perfect summation to the 20th century

I found Allah, I don't eat pork, and I'm a better man.

I got people coming in everybody wants to be a part of this

I got to go

I gotta get to washington

I hardly think I need worry about that

I hate school

I have some good news for you the martian ambassador is here and we've negotiated a settlement

I have to.

I heard that

I honestly don't know nathalie I don't know what's going on anymore this is frustrating

I just have a few minutes for questions so let's get started

I like him I do

I love you baby

I love you I love you too byron

I made a ton of money on your last fight in '73

I mean that's good isn't it

I mean they like me around here

I need a drink you and me both baby

I prepared a speech is that all right sure that's very appropriate

I proudly present to you the medal of honor

I saw you fight sonny liston in '69 really

I surrender okay you understand what that means surrender

I surrender, okay?

I thought perhaps the watered silk and this week it's on sale

I thought you were divorced well I am but I still have to take care of them

I want the martians to be treated like foreign dignitaries

I want the people to know that the schools will still be open okay

I want the people to know that the schools will still be open, okay?

I want to go to tahoe to the tahoe caves it's remote the martians won't find it

I want to see slim I want to see slim and muffy and richie

I want your men alert and majestic with a snap in their step

I was there when first man met martian

I will be conferring with other world leaders as time goes on

I work there i'm the press secretary

I would like for every limo to be stocked with every kind of alcohol known to man and top it off with a bottle of dom on ice

I'll be tripping all over you

I'll call you later okay

I'll draw them away now go no I said go!

I'll tell you one thing they ain't getting the tv

I'll tell you one thing. They ain't getting the TV

I'll wear my blue cerruti suit

I'm checking the decor the lighting the traffic flow

I'm feeling so optimistic because of the martians

I'm going back to the hotel

I'm going to relieve you of your command

I'm gonna do you a favor byron I owe you one

I'm just not feeling myself nathalie if only I could hold you in my arms

I'm not a crook i'm ambitious there's a difference

I'm not a crook.

I'm not gonna have that thing in my house

I'm not leaving you just do it

I'm sorry I have to call you at work

I'm sorry you can't come this way there's a tour in progress oh

I'm speaking to you in the hope that what happened earlier today in the nevada desert was a cultural misunderstanding

I'm staying i'll distract them

I'm tell you one thing if any of them martians come around here i'm gonna kick their butts heh heh heh

I'm tom jones

I've always admired your show

I've been trying to call you all day the flight's been canceled

I've changed man I found allah I don't eat pork and i'm a better man

If i'd known you'd turn into a crook I never would have married you

If the martians land will the press have access can we do interviews

If you need anything any doughnuts or anything give me a call all right bye

In fact it is often used by the president to receive guests

In five, four, three, two....

Is that why?

Isn't the universe big enough for both of us

It doesn't help me that all we ever do is sit around in bars

It is an awesome sight

It is an order to deploy our nuclear capability sir

It is furnished to represent the period of james monroe

It is out of sight

It is out of sight.

It is profoundly moving to know there is intelligent life out there glad they got it somewhere

It's a full scale invasion mr president we're gonna need to get you to safety

It's a great victory for our administration

It's a great victory for our administration.

It's a school thing like a tour

It's a school thing, like a tour.

It's all yours ian

It's Billy Glenn, Grandma.

It's for you

It's gross

It's gross don't forget nathalie that we will look equally gross to him

It's mama

It's my job

It's nice to see a new face

It's not logical! It's not

It's not unusual to be loved by anyone

It's not unusual to have fun with anyone

It's pretty far out huh

It's pretty far out, huh?

It's stuck

It's tremendously exciting

Jason

Jason hi it's me

Jason stone

Jason stone gnn pahrump

Jason yeah jerry thanks

Jerry how soon can we go on the air

Jesus christ

Jimmy aah! jimmy

Jump!

Just a second sheik rakmula

Just a second, Sheik Rakmula.

Just because I feel like saying it all right

Just don't be touching none of my stuff while i'm gone

Just in the ring art you know just in the ring

Just in the ring, Art, you know? Just in the ring.

Just think of all the crazy stuff you must have seen in your lifetime

Keep your voice down I got friends here

Kessler donald kessler yeah I think that was his name

Kick the crap out of them

Ladies and gentlemen this could be a cultural misunderstanding

Ladies and gentlemen this is a proud day for all americans

Ladies and gentlemen.

Language you choose to employ and in certain circumstances the proposition that two and two equals five is entirely legitimate

Let go of him

Let me take this

Let's cut a deal I can help you i'm a lawyer

Let's cut a deal. I can help you.

Let's move it!

Liberals intellectuals peace mongers idiots!

Listen this is big president dale is cutting into my show today

Listen you're doing the best you can

Little people why can't we all just get along

Logic dictates that given their extremely high level of technical development they're an advanced culture therefore peaceful and enlightened

Look at this this is wrong!

Look you're worried about yesterday but i'm worried about tomorrow

Look!

Lookit you're intelligent beings

Looks like you ain't got no wheels come on get in

Louise the casino manager's giving me the evil eye i've gotta go

Love would never do what you want it to

Love would never do What you want it to

Mama class was canceled class was not canceled

Man give it back leave me alone

Many great men and women have passed through here now we're passing through here

Many important things have happened to me in my life

Many important things have happened to me in my life:

Marsha!

Marsha!

Marsha! marsha! marsha

Martians blew up the shop you're kidding me

Martians funny little critters ain't they

Martians this is great please come to earth please we need you

Maurice get out of the room get out now

May god rest his soul

May I ask you a question

Maybe they can tell us about our universe how it started where it's going perhaps even its purpose

Maybe you've heard of me

Mm yes yes of course you can nathalie

Mon dieu

Mother this isn't your house

Mr ambassador what are you doing this doesn't make sense! it's not logical! it's not

Mr bava can I speak to you in private

Mr bava i'm an asset to this hotel

Mr land excuse me please

Mr land I believe just five more minutes quinn

Mr president mr president! I need you to sign this

Mr president please keep moving we have to get you to the back stairs!

Mr president the president of france is on line two he says it's important

Mr president this is a great day

Mr president we cannot sit on this

Mr president we have to act

Mr president we must not send these people the wrong message

Mr president!

Mr. Bava, can I speak to you in private?

Mr. President, please. Keep moving. We have to get you to the back stairs!

Mr. President, we must not send these people the wrong message.

Mrs dale yes

Music

Mwah.

My fellow americans it is with a heavy heart that I speak to you this afternoon

My god maybe we should all be destroyed the human race doesn't deserve to live

My graduation from princeton the day that marsha said she would be my wife the birth of our daughter taffy

My husband is the leader of the free world

My name's jerry ross

Nancy had this in the library didn't she yes indeed I don't think so

Nathalie!

Next stop radio station

Next stop, radio station.

Nice shot yeah pity I was too late

No

No he's dead I told him this was gonna happen

No I gotta watch the floor

No no mama it's dumb

No no no not at all no

No that ain't happening that didn't happen

No weapon no clown outfit just me!

No weapon. No clown outfit.

No why you say that

No you ain't stay and defend this trailer

No, you ain't. Stay and defend this trailer.

Not anymore

Notice the highly developed cranial nerve system here

Now even in a time of so called intergalactic emergency the people still wanna roll them bones

Now here he is mr music maker himself lawrence welk

Now I suspect they have more to fear from us than we from them

Now I want the people to know that they still have two out of three branches of government working for them and that ain't bad

Now stop wasting money i'll see you tomorrow

Now what

Now, even in a time of so called intergalactic emergency...

Now, here he is, Mr. Music Maker himself, Lawrence Welk.

Oh ain't she cute

Oh art

Oh christ what's wrong with the picture go to camera 2! I can't it's busted well then go to 1 go to 4

Oh donald i'm scared

Oh god here go on over to the roulette play our anniversary and stay off of black

Oh hello mr ross sure

Oh here's the president

Oh look at that brain he must be real smart

Oh missy you're hot but could we get that gum out of your mouth

Oh mr ambassador please!

Oh my god

Oh my god (2)

Oh my god yikes

Oh nathalie nathalie is that you

Oh richie why can't you be more like your brother

Oh that's your executive order authorizing full use of our nuclear deterrent sir

Oh yeah but it not coming from here

Oh, missy, you're hot.

Oh!

Oh! my finger!

Oh.

Okay let's do it I know we're making the right decision

Okay now just come here come here

Okay okay barbara okay

Okay that's all I have to say thanks

Old glory will win! democracy will survive!

Old Glory will win! Democracy will survive!

On behalf of the people of earth welcome

One our martian friend is a carbon based life form two he breathes nitrogen and three the large cerebrum here indicates telepathic potential

Open fire!

Our customs may be strange to you but we mean no harm

Our customs may be strange to you...

Our love will come true

Our only conflict is whether we ambush the 6 00 news or hold out for prime time

Our planet was suffering with the ozone and the rain forest and so many people unhappy in their lives

Out of the question

Outstanding

People live here.

People say they're ugly but I think they've come to show us the way I think they've come to save us

Poppy honey no sweetie that's right shh good girl

Positively positive

Pretty nifty huh

Private airfield. Other side of the freeway.

Professor isn't it weird that we sent a space probe to mars and we didn't even find anyone

Professor what do we know about them

Quite a lot about mars I expect nathalie

Quite a lot about Mars, I expect, Nathalie.

Ready aim fire aim fire

Ready to transmit

Ready. Aim.

Really

Really you like my work

Richard norris on behalf of my parents who couldn't be here today for saving the world from the martians

Richard Norris...

Richie didn't you ever have a pussycat of your own sure grandma

Richie I think these guys are very sick

Richie want to make yourself useful for a change sure dad

Richie was always the best one

Richie, want to make yourself useful for a change?

Right now the president is talking to other world leaders

Right poppy

Rolex

Rolex.

Rusty shh

Rusty. Shh.

Screw the press this is a need to know situation

Self determination of the cosmos

She's flirting with him

Shit!

Should I get grandma forget grandma she's halfway to outer space already

Shut up poppy shut up shut up

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up! shut up! shut up!

Sir mr president I know this seems terrible but let's not be too rash

So here's the deal I got this chump owes me a lot of money needs a wake up call

So how's about a drink

So I guess like now we just have to start over and start rebuilding everything like our houses

So long bro so long retard

So that means you're still going to school once in a while yeah

So that's how it could breathe in our atmosphere

So what in your view donald kessler chairman are some of the things that the martians can teach us professor

Something's happened something's happened to byron

Something's happened.

Something's happening

Something's happening.

Son we're real proud of you thanks dad

Sounds good.

Stop flirting with the waitress

Sugar hit me one more time

Sugar. Hit me one more time.

Sure of course I am

Sweetie we may have to the people will expect me to meet with them

Taffy if you're going to be a pest i'm going to ignore you

Take grandma back to the home

Thank you honey but don't you dare let this happen again

Thank you mitch

Thanks dad

Thanks honey

That means I offer my love

That's a martian

That's absurd why would he stoop to being on today in fashion

That's my muffy mwah

That's what billy glenn would've done

The best. I promise.

The blue room is often considered the most beautiful room in the white house

The Blue Room is often considered...

The boys haven't been home in two nights and I don't know what to do

The data from the hubble was decoded then analyzed by the most powerful computers at mit

The first chance you get you take off

The giant spacecraft glinting in the nevada sun like a giant hubcap

The human race on the other hand is an aggressively dangerous species

The images are undeniable

The martian ambassador feels terrible and asked permission to speak to congress

The martian ambassador is gonna say a few words come on down mr ambassador

The martian civilization has clearly developed under the surface of the planet

The martians land on earth they're gonna need a place to stay just like everybody else

The Martians land on Earth, they're gonna need a place to stay.

The nancy reagan chandelier

The new computer's ready mr president

The people are gonna love it

The people are gonna love it mr president

The president of france on line two

The quaker in jamaica

The situation needs to be supervised absolutely sir

The situation needs to be supervised.

The stress at work is unbelievable

The teeming masses have gathered from who knows how many states waiting and watching

Their bodily fluids include the birth of half breeds

Their science and technology must be absolutely mind boggling

Their science and technology must be absolutely mind boggling.

Then I guess we just see what happens heh heh

Theodore I simply do not feel that lincoln

There can be no doubt that we two peoples have a great deal to offer one another

There is a unilateral concerted diplomatic effort being made

There is a unilateral, concerted, diplomatic effort being made.

There is nothing that we could not accomplish think about it

There it is

There you go thank you

There's a martian right behind me

There's a Martian right behind me.

There's jason poppy hi jason! hi jason hi yoo hoo

These flying saucers have come from the planet mars and at their current course and speed

These flying saucers have come from the planet Mars...

They appear to be in a highly agitated state nathalie and I don't know

They blew up congress

They came in peace

They don't know what the hell they're talking about

They have our planet surrounded with thousands of warships

They haven't seen us yet come here

They're just at that age

They're preparing a list of issues of common interest to discuss

They're responding

They've issued a formal apology

Think about it.

Think it's smart to cut school do you do you huh huh

Think of it the knowledge new ideas it's gonna change everything and we must be open to it

Think of the things that we could do think how strong we would be earth and mars together

This doesn't make sense he should be talking to us

This explains of course the cerebral arteries

This has got the colors but no I don't think so not vivid enough

This has got to look good the whole world is watching yes sir

This has got to look good. The whole world is watching.

This is a hell of a photo op jerry

This is a momentous occasion

This is great

This is intense

This is nuts this is

This is the most important thing to happen since jesus walked in galilee

This is the president of the united states

This pussycat is the most beautiful pussycat in the whole world

This show's gonna get a hell of a rating

This was no misunderstanding I was there I saw it

This was no misunderstanding. I was there. I saw it

This way no this way

Three two one fire

Today an extraordinary discovery was made by the hubble telescope

Tom are you sure you can fly this yeah I think so yeah

Tom tom can I have an autograph anybody got a pen

Top of the line cars leather interiors

Uh

Uh oh I surrender

Very curious

Volunteer for what billy glenn martian detail uh huh

Wait! no wait! where are you going

Was that okay yeah

We all saw how they reacted to that dove it frightened them

We are entering the dawn of a new era

We better get out of here

We call this the kennedy room

We can have it all or we can smash it all

We come in peace

We come in peace we come in peace we come in peace

We could work together why be enemies because we're different is that why

We could work together.

We don't want any slip ups

We don't want it to turn into a zoo out there yes sir

We have to strike now sir

We know they're extremely advanced technologically which suggests very rightfully so that they're peaceful

We lost taffy oh no

We must establish a line of communication first

We need a welcome mat not a row of tanks

We should have got that guy

We should have got that guy

We should hit these assholes with everything we got sir

We should make it top secret and move in right away with def con 4

We should nuke them now sir

We used to have problems with that same kind of shit

We will have the opportunity to meet with them

We will never ever surrender!

We will win! The eagle will be triumphant!

We will win! the eagle will be triumphant!

We'll fight you on the beaches. We'll fight you on the street.

We'll go all media on this

We're a little nervous here after what happened in congress exactly

We're already at war sir we have to nuke them we have to nuke them now!

We're going to take charge of this thing

We're going to take charge of this thing.

We're going to the white house

We're lost he led us down a maze

We're not alone in the universe

We've always been fight fans haven't we sisters

Welcome back we're speaking with professor donald kessler

Welcome back. We're speaking with Professor Donald Kessler.

Well he'll be all right I hope so army trains them good

Well he's gone for a while

Well I can't help it if your people are too slow

Well I mean that depends

Well I want to say that there's a lot of people in the world that have like done a lot more than I have and they're the ones that should be here now getting a medal

Well i'm first to the game

Well not really nathalie

Well sir do we know they're hostile

Well they're not gonna eat off the van buren china

Well wait a moment

Well where's the plane private airfield other side of the freeway

Were you flirting with me on the show because if you were I just want you to know that I liked it

What about their intentions are they a friendly people

What are you doing here huh if you ain't home why ain't you in class

What are you guys gawking at get that president out of here!

What are you wasting this phone time for we're gonna see you tomorrow

What confounds me most of all gentlemen is the lack of genitalia

What did they do that for maybe they don't liking the human being

What do you mean do we know they're hostile

What do you think marsha

What do you think taffy

What do you think, Marsha?

What do you want byron

What I would like for you gentlemen to do is to view our brand new state of the art show room

What i'd like for you to do is use that patented left hook on him

What in the hell is that

What is it it's no2 highly concentrated nitrogen

What is it my last will and testament

What is that barbecue

What is that noise

What is this filipino new year's

What is this? Filipino New Year's?

What is wrong with you people

What is your take on this jerry

What the actual president what do you mean cutting in

What the hell are you talking about

What the hell does that mean

What the hell is he talking about

What the hell is he talking about?

What the hell is this

What the hell is this?

What the hell was that

What the hell was that?

What was that

What was that?

What's happening

What's happening to them what's killing them I think it must be my music

What's he doing he must have flipped!

What's that noise

What's that so that's a martian

What's this

What's this (2)

When i'm calling you

When I'm calling you

When i'm calling you (2)

When the investors fly in I would like for them each to be met by a limo

When you're done all you gotta do is mosey on by the office and pick up the cash

Where are they landing pahrump it's in the nevada desert

Where you going to go get grandma

Which incidentally we would already have if they had listened to me in the last election

Which, incidentally...

White house is coming out live

White House is coming out live

Who put that on

Whoa

Whoa he made the international sign of the doughnut

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa! (2)

Why

Why are you doing this

Why can't this crazy love be mine

Why can't we work out our differences

Why can't we work things out

Why destroy when you can create

Why did it have to be him

Why don't you leave the roosevelt room the way the roosevelts wanted it

Why have they come curiosity or is it something more or is it simply to say I was there

Why I wanna go to tahoe

Why not set up a town hall we can get the public's opinion

Why why thank you

Why you wanna come at me that way art

Would you please keep it down people live here

Would you please keep it down?

Yeah but there's something I want to say to you

Yeah but we can't leave him

Yeah byron oh louise

Yeah I know I know it's rough on jocks get to a certain age opportunities dry up

Yeah i'm hip i'm hip but i'll give you two grand

Yeah make it quick we go out live in 10 minutes

Yeah maybe to them doves mean war

Yeah stone speak

Yeah what's that

Yeah yeah well I could be there at I don't know 11 okay bye bye

Yeah your husband art

Yeah. How you doing?

Yeah. Maybe to them, doves mean war.

Yes how are you feeling not terribly good i'm afraid

Yes I get to greet the martian ambassador isn't that great oh it's a hell of an honor

Yes oh they want me to go interview that professor from the white house

Yes sir I can have my troops there at 0800 hours sir

Yes very much

You always get to the phone first so what

You belong to me I belong to you

You bet

You better get moving you're on in five minutes

You can't have martians running all over nevada!

You did i'm so proud of you

You don't have to kiss me if you don't want to I have to

You gave up pork

You just try and stop me that plane arrives at 4 p m

You know how to fly a plane sure you got one she has

You know i'm supporting my family back east

You know i'm trying to get back with my wife

You know the science guy

You know we'd have to establish contact work out whatever communication problems establish a parameter for talks

You know, we'd have to establish contact...

You ladies have a nice time all right thank you

You leave you're disgracing an american hero

You mean they can read our thoughts potentially yes

You mean you were a nun back then oh yes

You must be as excited as we to find intelligent life in the solar system

You see because we are human beings

You take care okay bye

You think they'll fly to washington d c

You think you can do anything you want well you can't

You want to conquer the world you're gonna need lawyers right

You wearing a bra

You wouldn't believe the pressure of my job

You'd better get that gun

You'll find it happens all the time

You're an adult just cope

You're going to the white house yeah tomorrow

You're gonna flunk and go to jail

You're right general thank you sir

You're right jerry

You're very graceful I like that

Your brother's gonna volunteer

I don't want to hear another word. I hate school.

language you choose to employ, and in certain circumstances...

self determination of the cosmos.

Finished! One minute, 57 seconds

Give me your ma again, all right? All right. Hold on. Mom.

I'm supporting my family back East. I thought you were divorced.

I'm Tom Jones. Byron Williams.

Mr. President, we have to act We'll go all media on this.

We lost Taffy. Oh, no

What's he doing? He must have flipped!

...and stay off of black.

...and we didn't even find anyone?

...because we didn't get into the canals.

...but I think they've come to show us the way.

...commanding officer of the armed forces of the United States of America

...earlier today the Martian ambassador and his confederates...

...for saving the world from the Martians...

...historical and yet warm and neighborly.

...I would like for them each to be met by a limo

...if I just stayed in place and never spoke up...

...is intense.

...met Martian.

...telepathic potential.

...that have, like, done a lot more than I have...

...that it's happening at the beginning of the new millennium.

...that we will look equally gross to him.

...therefore, peaceful and enlightened.

...which suggests, very rightfully so, that they're peaceful.

...without knowing how to dally around a few curves, well...

...you don't know doodlysquat about the gaming industry.

(applause in the bus)

(brass band playing star spangled banner)

(bus closes doors and starts)

(bus tires screech)

(cameras clicking)

(cell phone rings)

(crowd applauds) thank you

(electronic game gunshots) jump!

(flying saucers whirring)

(giggles and chuckles)

(laughs)

(laughs) (2)

(little dog barks)

(martians cackling)

(martians speaking in alien language)

(needle scratches)

(ray guns blasting people screaming)

(reporters shouting all at once)

(scientist playing translation in alien language)

(scoffs)

(ship horn blowing)

(shots two guns)

(small dog barking)

(small dog barking) (2)

(vehicle passing on the highway)

(woman screams)