💬 Limmy's Homemade Show Soundboard

A building that could staun a bomb getting dropped right on its heid

A doctor cannae help you, eh- There's nae help for you

A lot of good tutors online

A Ouija board is just a stupit idea, eh

A wee comedy talk

A wee reminder frae the past

Ah, but you see, that wisnae hard enough

Ahaha, he's doing it!

All away frae eating your family

All right

All right- I'm Limmy

All right- Making a wee video. Right

And actually haud the trainer in my haun. But I cannae be arsed

And again and again,

And check it out today, then

And download the instructions, this was, like, I don't know how I found it

And go o'er there and pick it up

And he's away. Shut the door

And he's back

And I come by here. I think it would be nice to do a wee show here

And I don't know if you've ever been, but if you haven't,

And I just want to ask the question, what is comedy

And I know that isnae impressive, but managed to build

And I know what you're gonnae say,

And I'm here today to give a talk about comedy

And I'm just trying to work out, are they weans' trainers

And it just all..

And it's fine

And it's the weapons bit

And just go like that

And just see if something funny comes frae it

And maybe the reason is because I've seen people drop..

And pray to God for help, because you turned your back oan him, eh

And that's a good question

And then go like this..

And then I shut the door

And then when I open them, whatever trainers are there,

And then you put your other finger in, like that

And then you see my bike in the background there

And then, like, you sort of pick it up

And there's these steps here, these kind of seats,

And they drop the bomb in that..

And they were grieving outside,

And they're snapping their fingers in my face, like that, Where are ye- Where are ye

And this was their face

And turn it around again and again

And turn it around again and again..

And turn it around again,

And we'll be asking the question, what does it mean to be a good ally

And welcome to Limmy's Homemade Show

And you can see that I'm...I'm lying

And you cannae go to a priest or anything, you cannae go

And you freaked it, and then we stopped it right there

And you just happen to sort of turn it around

And you saw one of the grievers,

And you send everything back, we'll send you out a new box with instructions in it

And you were just going round and around and around,

And you were to see one of these funerals outside

And you'd be hypnotised

Are they, like, wee boys' trainers

Armed with, like...a wee bread knife

As you can see, I've no' really managed much

Aye. Aye, all right. There's nae bins

Because he'll just laugh us oot the place, but I need help, eh

Because I'm no' right in the heid, eh- Jamesie was right

Because it'd be right behind me, I'd be in front of it

Because they didnae include the instructions. They forgot

Because we cannae go on like this. I know, I know, all right

Big spitfire hanging above this elephant

Brian is a stupid idiot. Ahaha!

Brian is stupid. Hahaha!

Brian Limond, AKA Limmy,

Brian, right. Say, Brian is stupid

Brilliant. Thanks, cheers. Thanks, bye

Broad daylight and he had, like, a fast food, like,

But I don't get it. Nothing even happened, eh

But I don't know if a tiler..

But I don't... Jamesie was right

But I especially hate this wee tile here

But I know that if I don't, if I don't get up and check,

But I shouldnae have to no' dae that

But if you're not, what are you going to do to survive

But it isnae a laugh, eh- Because I cannae think straight

But it's a call-out charge, it's going to cost me time and

But look, it's placed just to the side

But maybe none of that will happen

But naebody does, naebody does anything with it

But that, hoor, that's...

But then I noticed that, see if I shut the door

But there's this one wee bit that I love in particular

But we cannae go on like this. What am I supposed to...

But what are you going to do when it does

But what if I was to tell you that just over there,

But what if you were to drive past

But you're still getting a bit of the backchat. You're still getting kind of..

But..

But...don't know

Cannibalism

Cheers, brother

Container sort of thing

Cos I cannae string two thoughts together, eh

Cos I'm all right, eh- Aye, well I'm no' all right, eh

Cos it's built like a castle

Cos of that Ouija board, eh- Yous talking about the Ouija board

Cos that's what will happen, by the way

Could always phone 'em. I'll phone

Could maybe fix it myself

Could you pick that up

Could you..

Could you... Pick that up

Cover it in a bit of bog roll

Cut him in hauf, man

Demons and that. Cos that's what I've got. Demons

DISCONCERTING ORGAN MUSIC

Do you ever do that

Do you ever, like, if you're trying to come up with ideas,

Do you know, he came in last night. I says, You are drunk!

Doctor Who, who

Doctor Who, who, who, who,

Doing wee squares or wee circles or something like that

Don't listen to him, mate, I'm telling you. I'm all right

Don't listen to him, mate. It's all your heid, eh

DOOR OPENS That's me back!

Down here, next to the... Just spotted this here,

DREAMLIKE MUSIC PLAYS ..and again and again,

Er, ach... Son, you're talking, just even for that, you're talking 50

Erm, I just like giving it a wee visit. Now and again

Erm, that's not really worth my time, to be honest

Erm... Hit yourself. Hit your face

Especially if you're in Glesga

Evaporated, just like that

Everybody agrees that a joke's comedy

Everybody looks like that when they look down. Big double chin

Everybody looks like that. No, I know, I know,

Everybody, he's hypnotised!

Excuse me

Excuse me, do you mind picking that up

Excuse me, I think my son would love to learn that

Excuse me, mate. You don't know where Central Station is, do you...

FEMININE VOICE- Ivy

Free entry

Fuck

Fuck off

Fucking pick it up!

Fucking pick that up

Funny faces, is that comedy

Get one of they two-handed swords, big two-hauner

Get oot. Get oot. Oot

Get out my house. All right

Get yourself over there anyway

Get yourself there

God willnae help you

Good boys

Good to maybe do one of they...do a wee talk

Grieving, in tears as they staun next to a hearse

Hate all the tiles, hate the colours,

HE BREATHES SHAKILY

HE CHANTS- Am na na hem na na am na na

HE FAKES SOBS

HE GROANS Hey!

HE GROWLS

He just dropped it right at his feet. He didn't even try to hide it

He played with a Ouija board just once and that finished him, eh

He says, Is a man no' allowed to have a drink

HE SIGHS

He thinks he can take you because you're just being cheeky

HE TUTS

He wasn't drunk

He... Yeah, he approves of that. OK

He's got nae reason to help you, eh

Hello- Hello, is this the tiler

Hello, erm, I'm looking to just get a wee tile job done

Hello, tiler here

Here

Here in Glesga

Here, mate, that type of music isn't my type of thing usually,

Here. On this path

Here. Pick that up!

Hey

Hey, guys. On today's show,

Hey!

HEY! Ah!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey. THUMP

Hi, guys, my name's Limmy

Hope you liked it. And I hope to see you again soon

How can you no' tell- You're right next to them

How come the last ones were cream, then

How hard is it for them to remember to put the instructions in the box

How would I go about that

I can see he's not so sure, that's OK

I can't... I don't know how to do it

I cannae go to the doctor and ask for help

I cannae...I don't know what to do

I caught this other thing on the camera

I couldn't see a..

I do think it's disgusting

I don't care what you do, if it's pills or something like that,

I don't care. Oot. Oot. Oot my house

I don't know how I'm gonnae cope!

I don't know what I'm gonnae dae

I don't know what I'm gonnae dae. Don't think about it

I don't know what I'm gonnae dae. I'm terrified, eh

I don't know why but it does my nut in

I don't know, son. I don't come out for just one wee tile

I don't want you thinking this is something I've made up for a laugh

I don't... I don't think..

I e-mailed them and said, Could you send us the instructions

I hate this, this is my toilet. I hate the tiles in here

I just said, Is there anybody there

I just think it's all in your heid, eh

I keep getting into trouble in work because I cannae think straight

I knew a boy where I grew up,

I know it sounds like I'm exaggerating, I'm not

I know where I'd rather be

I know, but I just thought it would be a laugh, eh

I know, I know, but I changed my mind. I just said that to get you out

I know, shut up, fuck off... I don't care what it is,

I know, that's what I was trying to tell you

I like looking at the paintings and they've got this, er,

I look down at the mirror and I see my face and I'm just like..

I mean, they look kind of wee and stubby, like wee boys' trainers

I mean, what if you were drawing that spiral

I must have made a wee mistake somewhere, cos..

I open the door

I saw this guy in Partick once

I think it's open seven days a week

I told you, you wasted your time by getting me out

I want to show you something. This will cheer you up

I was actually out for a cycle

I was like, Can you no' just send us...- Oh, just forget it

I was right. I thought I was going mental there, but they are blue

I'd like to just fix it myself but I don't..

I'd want to get... I want to get a tiler out

I'll be honest with you, but that, that's a different class

I'll phone and I'll see

I'll take that tile aff the wall and..

I'll take your heid off, mate

I'm a comedian

I'm daein' it!

I'm going, son

I'm gonnae have to go and check

I'm gonnae have to have another check, 'mon

I'm gonnae lose my job, eh- I'm gonnae lose my job,

I'm gonnae shut my eyes, I'm gonnae count to three,

I'm here, writing down ideas for stuff

I'm just down next to the suspension bridge here in Glesga,

I'm just gonnae leave you wi' a joke

I'm just looking at these trainers, here

I'm legally entitled to f...in stab you, mate

I'm no'. I'm no'. Look

I'm not exaggerating, by the way

I'm out having a wee walk

I'm out having a wee walk here

I'm telling you, I need help, eh

I've no' been able to dae my work

I've seen myself like this before, but..

I've went past and I've looked, and there's been people outside,

If you can just make that whole... What, just the one tile- No, you..

If you don't like it, don't go, Am na na hem na na am na na

If you ever actually saw somebody drop litter..

If you're going to act hard,

If you're lucky, you and your family will get wiped out

In fact, it wouldn't even be that. It would be this

Is for me to actually get up aff my fat arse

Is it in my bag- Gonnae have a look

Is that funny

Is that funny- Is that comedy

Is that funny- That's comedy

Is that it

Is this comedy

Is this comedy, what I'm doing right now

Is this... Is this comedy

It is gonnae..

It is- Oh, thank God

It is. Hello

It kind of looks a bit like a lecture theatre, as well

It was broad daylight

It was like this, it was like this..

It wasn't at the weekend, on Saturday night

It'll probably all work itself out, always does. But, erm..

It's a nice teddy

It's all about to kick off again

It's all in your heid, mate. I need help, eh

It's all in your heid. It's all in your heid

It's brilliant

It's disgusting

It's fucking disgusting

It's good for weans and they've got a wee church bit

It's good, isn't it

It's got to be the most important..

It's in a building that's still stauning,

It's just a Ouija board. It's no' real. It's just a board game, eh

It's just hard to tell

It's just... It's just one wee tile. It's nothing... It's nothing much

It's kind of like one of they spirals

It's never been this bad. Right, listen, forget about that

It's no' special effects or anything like that, it actually happened

It's no' supposed to be funny. It's no' made up

It's perfect except for one wee thing

It's pointing at me. Yourself- Aye

It's right next to the toilet. It's just..

It's split into three..

It's that there. It's your bike

It's the mirror on it

It's this here

Ivy, gonnae do us a favour, is my purse there

Ivy, what is she wearing-!

Just about here, there's something no' quite right

Just behind where you're sitting, there's a church,

Just cut him in hauf, right down the middle

Just get yourself familiar with it

Just look online

Just out and about filming myself, making stuff up,

Just round about here. What is it

Just sort of worked it out. Look

Just step out, just walk in a straight line for us

Just stick... What

Just tell the guy to pick it up

Just the one- Aye. So it's just a tiny wee job, it's, erm..

Just this wee blue tile that's split into three. I just want that fixed

Just to the side, just to really help you see it

Just to...just to pay you a visit

Just wanted to do a wee introduction

Just watching this video again, this little one

Just wondering

Just, what I do normally is I film a lot of stuff, just me waffling on,

Kelvingrove Art Gallery and Museum

Kind of looks a wee bit like a theatre

Like a chippie or something. And he just dropped it

Like that

Like this

Like, every time I pick up the table to move it,

Listen, here's what I'm gonnae dae

Litter

Look at this T-shirt. Does that look dirty

Looks quite dirty, doesn't it- These wee bits, here

LOW VOICE- Is that you back, hen

Maybe get a wee bit of bog roll

Maybe none of that will happen

Miles away

Mind you, because, erm..

Money to get out here, and petrol,

MUSIC STOPS Phone a fucking ambulance!

My God, what is she wearing

My memory... My memory's went to pot. Am I going mental here

My washing machine does something to the... See there

Nah, it isnae comedy. OK, we can agree that that isnae comedy

Nice teddy and everything, but I don't want it. Just sort of bugs us

Nice, big wardrobe. Managed to build the whole thing myself

No way, he's hypnotised!

NO-O-O!

No, it would go more like this

No, no, I cannae...I cannae be bothered

No, not 50p, I don't think I'd be paying a mortgage off

No!

No. Hey!

No' really much to show you here

No' very often you see anybody alang here taking pictures

Not that we need reminding,

Nothing even happened. Aye, but something did happen, eh

Now it looks all scripted. That couldnae be in a worse place

Now what you going to do- What are you going to do

Och, it's this...it's this table

Oh, fuck off!

Oh, hi!

Oh, I see what it is

Oh, that's beautiful

Oh, you're here, good. Erm..

Oh. Oh, he's away. All right

OK, OK, well, you just tell me where you are and I'll come out

OK, son, if you can just step out the car

OK, son... Oot

OK, well, thanks for listening to my talk, everybody

One of them greeting their eyes out, crying,

One thing that isn't good though is,

One,

Oot my house

Open it

Or a chapel, a cathedral, and they have funerals there

Or are they normal size, like, grown-up trainers

Or if you're writing down, might be writing something,

ORGAN MUSIC STARTS UP

ORGAN MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

People could do wee shows here, like, wee stand-up shows and..

Perfect, isn't it

Phone an ambulance! Turn the music off

Pick it up

Pick it up!

Pick that up

Protect protect your wean

Protect your family

Right, 'mon, we're gonnae have to get up again, 'mon

Right, 'mon. 'Mon, let's have a look. 'Mon

Right, I see, well, how much will it be just to fix that one tile

Right, look at this

Right, now..

Right, see, see, I WAS right

Right, so laughing at a funeral's all right,

Right, so looks like they're grown-up trainers efter all

Right, so, what it is, it's just this one tile here

Right, well, a bigger job. The whole room, then

Right, you need to sort this out

Runs for your wean, you just go..

See if it was actually right behind me, you wouldnae be able to see it,

See it's sort of..

See you later

See, that's not going to work

See, that's what I was saying to you

Sharon

Sharon, you in, hen

Shields, helmets, armour, gauntlets

Shut the door

SLURS- I'm fine

SLURS- This is ridiculous. One, two, three

So I just did the whole thing myself,

So it's just this one tile I just need fixed

So now you know I'm no' out for a walk. I'm lying

So that actually happened the day

So you want to watch that

Somebody could come up to you and go like that

Somebody there

Someone there

Something no' quite right with it

Something no' quite right with it, just at the beginning, here

Son, that isn't going to be worth your while

Split into three

STAIRS CREAK QUIETLY

Swords, actual swords

SYNTH MELODY

Take a look

Talks to himself now, eh

TECHNO BEAT

Thank you

Thanks. You think it would just go like that

That costs money

That is gonnae drive me mental for months. So I'm gonnae get up

That is gonnae drive me mental. I know what I'm like

That isn't that good

That they use to hypnotise you

That they're grown-up trainers. You can tell now

That, every now and again, it can all just..

That... Naebody cares!

That's a wee bit better, that's a wee bit better,

That's actually right out the washing machine

That's all right

That's been two weeks now and I... There's something no' right with me

That's brilliant!

That's brilliant. How do you do that

That's comedy, isn't it, son

That's cos I know it's just a laugh, eh

That's cos that's what it used to be,

That's disgusting, isn't it

That's it. All the way out

That's no' how they looked before

That's not bad

That's the name of my talk. What is comedy

That's the trainers they are

That's what you look like if you put the wrang camera on your phone,

That's where I'll be heading

That's why I didnae go anywhere near it, eh

The demons and that, eh

The front door of the museum, you just go like that..

The last ones were blue. Am I...

The mair you think about it, he worse it's gonnae get, eh

The only way for me to be definitely sure

The reason why I'm doing a wee intro here is because it isnae a sketch,

The second you played wi' a Ouija board,

The talking stops. People stop talking

The trainers sitting on top of that cabinet thing

The whole thing here is, it's meant to be me

The whole thing myself without looking at the instructions

The whole toilet. If you want to come out

Then I'll just be sitting about the house all day, eh

Then open it again

Then they'll really get to me, won't they

There we are. Not a prob..

There's just that wee tile but, no, the whole room, then, aye

There's my bed

There's nae help for you

There's nothing you can dae. There's nothing you can dae

They say it's good for your mental health to have a wee walk

They say it's good for your mental health, to have a wee walk

They were blue. They are blue

They're no' putting on a funny face, this is their actual face

They've got a big organ that this guy sometimes plays

They've got this bit with all these weapons and armour frae a long

Thing like that, just, one of they cannibals

This is Kelvingrove Art Gallery and Museum

This is my bedroom

This is something I managed to capture

This one with the..

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

This used to be a bandstand, here

This video that I'm about to show you here is..

This wisnae the kind of shop where you could go onto their website

Thought I left it on the bus

Three

THUMP

THUMP Hey

THUMP Heya

THUMPING BEAT

Time ago and it's like a wee reminder frae the past

To get me out just for the one..

Trying to keep all the, trying to keep them

Two,

Unbelievable. Unreal

Under the rubble of your house

Up the road

Wait a minute

Wait a minute one... One tile

Wait a minute. They were... They look completely..

Wait a minute..

Wait a wee second

Wardrobe

We cannae go on like this! You need to speak to somebody..

We should never have meddled with a Ouija board

We should never have meddled with a Ouija board, eh

We'll be looking at call-out culture in online spaces,

We've never done it up since we moved in

Wee daggers, wee daggers that one of they cannibals breaks through

Well, come here and I'll show you. Sit down

Well, everybody, that's the end of Limmy's Homemade Show

Well, I told you... Oot my house

Were they

Were they cream

What

What about if I do this

What about this, is this comedy

What are you going to do when it does

What can you say to the guy

What I mean is, assembled it, right, flatpack furniture, right,

What is comedy

What is comedy- Is this comedy

What is that

What you taking pictures of

What you taking pictures of, mate- What's that

What yous talking about- People are coming up to me

What- Oh, nae bother. Nae bother

What're you going to do then

What're you going to do to survive

What's happened to my face- But everybody looks like that

What's up

What's your name- Brian. Or Limmy

When I charge 50p. £50

When you meddle wi' a Ouija board, you've turned your back on God, eh

When you meddle wi' a Ouija board..

When you meddle with a Ouija board,

While filming something else

While I was filming me waffling on,

WHISPERS- Hey

Whit

Who are you calling a hoor

Who you talking to

Who's there- Doctor Who

Whole thing

Wi' that thing

You and your family are going to huddle together

You can see, you can definitely see fae here now,

You can sit in to just kind of relax and, och, I just love it

You cannae start acting all hard when you've just said,

You end up just sort of doodling

You go like that

You got a problem, son

You know, it would be something like that

You look down and you've got the big double chin

You meddle with a Ouija board,

You might be wondering,

You open up a portal to the spirit world, eh

You put your finger like that, like a wee kind of hoop

You said it was going to be the whole room

You should get a wee visit an' all

You should never have brought it o'er, eh

You think I'd be able to just go like this, look..

You think you're just going to go like this- Look. Here

You turned your back on God, eh

You want to watch yourself wi' this, though. Spirals

You, sir, knock, knock

You..

You'd be out and about in a highly suggestible state

You'd get a wee grumble

You're going to have to act hard frae the start

You're meddling with the spirit world and demons and that, eh

You're no' being hard

You're off your heid. Aye

You're wasting... Get oot my house

You're welcome, brother

You've got a problem... Get oot my house

You've got to be a wee bit more like this. Look

You've got to be more like this, look

50 quid-! 50 quid just to fix that one tile

50p- That's not bad. That's fine. Oh, 50p-!

..and then open the door..

..it's all going to kick off again, isn't it

..kick off

..kicks off

..pick that up

..say, Brian is a stupid idiot

..take your heid aff wi' it

..that whatdoyoumacallit, Faslane

..this guy appears

..this wee thin one at the side, here

..would do a wee job like that

# A big fat hen

# A pocketful of posies

# Ah, ah, ah Achoo

# Ah, ah, ah, ah Achoo

# Ah. #

# Atishoo Atishoo

# Atishoo, atishoo

# Because he can't work any faster

# Buckle my shoe

# Cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, pakaw!

# Cluck, cluck, cluck, pakaw! #

# Faster, faster

# Faster, faster, faster

# Faster, faster, faster,

# Faster, faster, faster, faster

# Faster, faster, faster, faster... #

# Five, six, pick up sticks

# He shall earn but a penny a day

# Johnny shall have a new master

# N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-ine

# Nine, ten, nine, ten

# Nine, ten, nine, ten, nine, ten, nine, ten, nine, ten

# One, two, buckle my shoe

# One, two, one, two, one, two

# Penny a day, day Penny a day, day

# Ring a ring o' roses

# Seesaw Margery Daw

# Seven, eight, lay them straight

# Three, four, knock at the door

# We all fall down

Limmy's Homemade Show Soundboard
Before Limmy made it onto BBC Scotland with Limmy's Show, he became known through his own rough-and-ready, funny homemade videos. When Limmy's Show stopped, Brian Limond took to Vine and YouTube, racking up millions of views for videos made on nothing more than his phone. Limmy's Homemade Show takes the DIY style of his homemade videos - the cast of one, the staying at home and losing his marbles, the going out and about and speaking his mind - and puts it on the telly. Limmy jumps from sketch to observation to nonsense. He takes you down to the Clydeside for a tour of Glasgow, and gets into an argument with himself. He plays some techno nursery rhymes on his synth. He shows you his toilet, and a particular tile that has been bothering him. Brian later beat his wife which led to divorce, and continues this behavior during his toxic streams where he advises others to beat their spouses.
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