Muzlamic Soundboard Edit

About your book, how has the response been so far

After the anniversary of September 11

AIRPORT TANNOY- Flight 348 for Zurich

Akmal

Akmal didn't even charge the clippers, bro

Akmal! What settings did you use on the towel

Akmal! Where's the towel- I don't want a hot towel

All the money in my will goes to my dog

ALL- What- Are you joking

Amazing, I love it so much. All right, listen, thanks and have a good day

And on Saturday, I'm going kayak shopping. I've never been before

And that's going to be me

And voice-note you, and all of that stuff, right

And we're going to Marrakech to do his stag do

And we're out

Angela, have you read my book

Angela, I'm a writer who just happens to be Muslim

Angela, it's a children's book! How could you even think that

Anwar, welcome. Thanks for having me

Any mention of honour killings or forced marriages

As a Muslim writer to speak out against the ills of your community

Back in Bethnal Green, Mabs is on his way to open up

Basically, one of our boys is getting married

Because he was the white... RIGHT guy for the role

Before you bounce, what's your number- My what

Big deal. I sunbathe at the slightest sight of sunshine

BOTH- Already done it

BOTH- Take both, bro. Here you go, bro. Take both

BOTH- Which one do you want

Bruv, bruv

Buddy, I am so white, I think chicken korma is far too spicy

But don't you think it was insensitive to release it so soon

But hey, Wahid's coming later, yeah- He's a top legend, yeah

But South Asian, buff and halal, do you know what I mean

But the audition is for Mo Salah,

But the role of Mo Salah has just been cast

But those people out there, they're my white people

But you have actually missed your two o'clock flight

But, obviously, we keep it halal. Hashtag halal, bro

By the way,

Call all my cousins

Can you both please remove your shoes

Celebrated author of acclaimed children's books

Come on, mate. Obvs

Come, come into my shop, man!

Competition amongst barbers in this area is fierce

Crimewatch reconstruction, hands up, hands up, yeah

Cuz, chill. You know what you need, yeah- You need a hot towel, bro

Danny will be in to interview you shortly

Do you have links with terrorism- Do you know how to make a bomb

Do you know Isis- To save time,

Do you know what- We literally just met

Don't worry, G, I miss me, too

ECHOES- Wipe, wipe, wipe..

Er... I-I don't know

Escaping from your skin and that, yeah

Every day, I open up at 9am. Right now..

Every morning for breakfast, I have...avocados on...toast

Excuse me

Excuse me- Excuse me- Are you that guy from the Dingles advert

Excuse me- You don't have an opinion

Exeter turned out to be a quality night out with the lads

Forced marriages of squirrels- Mr Hussain-Khan, I think many feel you should use your platform

Funny face, funny face. CAMERA CLICKS

Give it to me straight, doc. How long have I got

Good, I'm all right. Yeah

Goodnight

G**** and mint

Grooming...- Unbelievable!

Have you ever had any trouble with the police

Have you ever had any trouble with the police-!

Have you two been in here before

HE GASPS

HE LAUGHS

HE SCOFFS You can't survive here

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS What's your daughter's name

He wipes!

He's a smart guy. He's good. Nice guy. He'll go far

He's here now to discuss his latest book,

He's proper hilarious and that. I can't wait, bro

He's so stuck up and so entitled

Hey, Akmal! My man's gone to sleep, you know

Hey, here you go, bro, yeah- Here you go, G

Hey, hey, look at all the pollution, bro

Hey, I just met the guy from the Dingles advert

Hey, let's get a selfie one time, all right- Stop, stop, stop. Oh, OK

Hey, Mr Humble, Mr Humble, I saw you in the pakora ad

Hey, rise and grind, yeah, what you sayin', what you sayin'

Hey, Susie, it's me, the guy from the Dingles advert

Hey, um, I don't know if you realise,

Hey, you know the new guy starts today

Hey! Hey. Mushtaq Choudury! Yeah. How are you

Hey! Oh, I do apologise, though,

High, yeah- I am, innit

Hold on, hold on. Say it, say it. It's on recording

How is Russell Kane getting cast as Mo Salah

Huh

Humble yourself, you waste man!

I am Mo Salah. Yeah, but if you..

I bought them all from a Sri Lankan website, but that's not the point

I came in all the way from Milton Keynes for this

I can just send it to you right now, if you want

I can write about anything I please. Any final thoughts

I can't wait for National Pancake Day

I collect stamps

I did not know that

I didn't say brown. He said it

I don't know what possessed you to get a job here in Stevenage,

I enjoy bird-watching and trainspotting

I go camping twice a year

I have all of Jamie Oliver's cookbooks

I keep my festival wristbands on forever

I lick my dog's face back

I love it when my dog licks my face

I love saying, It's raining cats and dogs

I mean, if you want to

I mispronounce my own name

I prefer Sam, actually

I saw your advert for that mango juice

I shaved my friend's eyebrows off and puked on his face for banter

I take horse riding lessons every Thursday

I think the clocks went forward, isn't it

I thought..

I wanted to be a barber, bro

I was only in it for a second. No, but you were, like, so hilarious

I wipe

I-I thought I was here to discuss my book,

I'd just like to go over my notes one time before the interview,

I'm Angela O'Brien and joining me now is Anwar Hussain-Khan,

I'm basically the Edward Scissorhands man here

I'm so white, I don't even know what it feels like to be late

I'm so white, I have a loyalty card at Greggs

I'm so white, I only drink sparkling water

I'm sorry, we're out of time. Join us tomorrow on Chat To Me

I'm thinking about getting a rose tattoo

I've got a PDF copy with all the answers on my phone

If that's OK- Of course, I'll leave you to it

If you're not on social media, then bun your life, innit

In the cut-throat world of East London barbery,

Is it good news or bad news

Is that a comment on grooming gangs

It feels a bit strange to give you my number. You understand, right

It happened again!

It is not a tan, my friend. Nice one

It isn't good news, I'm afraid

It was nice to meet you, man. Hey, it's my little sister's birthday tomorrow

It was on a roundabout in Birmingham

It'll grow back tomorrow. You've ruined my face, man!

It's a bit inappropriate. Wow

It's a...investment into a perception, you know what I mean

It's all psychological, bro. And Mabs tries out a new treatment

It's been wonderful. It's literally been a dream

It's here! It's..

It's just the pollution, right,

It's not just that, is it- Laptops, belts, phones

It's the Edward Scissorhands man film

Kashmir

Keeping customers happy is key

Laters, Mo. Really good

Let me get you a hot towel. It's good for your skin, bro. Hey!

Let my man take a power nap. I'm going to check my socials

Looking forward to our welcome brunch!

Mabs has found himself embroiled in a turf war

Mabs increases his social media profile

Make sure you keep my beard line high, yeah

Many barbers feel a calling to their profession. Mabs is no exception

Mate, I'm so white, I think a grade C is a ready good grade

Me, I got 36,000 followers

Meet Mabs, owner of Halal Cuts in Bethnal Green

Mind giving her a little shout-out- She's called Susie. It's still recording. Let's do it

My daughter absolutely loves The Diary Of A Friendly Squirrel

My dog has its own Instagram page

Nah, nah, man, just chilling. Just filming this thing for the BBC

Never met a more arrogant person in my life

Next time on The Barber Shop..

No problemo. After you

No, no, I haven't, G

No, no, of course not, sorry

No, not... No, not Shamim, no, not Shamim, but everyone else, yeah

Nor have I. I don't think most people have

Not just shoes, bruv, come on, come on

Not Mo Salah's ears, so what are you doing here

Not really buying it, bruv

Now, how do you feel about 9-11

Now, Tom, the squirrel, forms an unusual friendship

Oh, chewing gum. Oh, yeah, of course, chewing gum, bro

Oh, it's three o'clock

Oh, my days, Sheraz. Yeah, mate

Oh, my God, do the voice. You know, the voice. That's Dinga-licious

Oh, my God, I can't believe I'm meeting you, man. Um, thanks, man

Oh, my God, you absolute legend. God, I'm posting that right now

Oh, my God, you legend! Wait, wait, I need to record it, I need to record it

Oh, of course I have! It's a charming story. Let's talk about it

Oh, oh, mango juice guy! Sick

Oh, please!

Oh, so you have no comment- Are you sympathetic towards Isis

Oh, well done, Russell. We'll see you next week for rehearsals

Oh, you must be Samir

Oh. Assalaamu Alaikum, brothers

OK, fine

OK, how about 7-7

OK, Sam. I'm George. This is Mo. Let me show you around

OK. Um, That's Dinga-licious

On your h..

Or I've got a printed copy

Our flight is at two o'clock tomorrow not today, silly

Plus, bro, even if I have lowered it, yeah, you're ****stani, bro

Really- Too big for your fans

Right, I mean, this all checks out. You're free to go

Right, you listen to me, Sam

See this- Obviously. Obviously. Yeah

See, you know what my favourite film is, yeah

SLOW-MOTION LAUGHTER

So we get a bit scared, know what I mean- Like with good posture

So, obviously, time to open up the shop and that, yeah

SOBS- You have to wash!

Some people!

Sorry, boys, we appreciate you all coming in,

Sorry, I just forgot to..

Sorry, why are you asking me this

Surprised to see you here. Yeah- Hey, congratulations

Thanks for coming in. Please, have a seat. Thank you

That must have been a proud moment, huh- Well done

That's boiling hot! It's not, G, relax. Stop being extra

That's what I'm saying, cuz. Finally a decent role for a brown guy

That's what my wife Elizabeth calls me, anyway

That's what you call customer service, bro

The chairs are fallen down

The Diary Of A Friendly Squirrel

The Diary Of A Friendly Squirrel. Yes!

The lamp wasn't there before

The lamp, bro, that's the one. And they changed the paint, still

The main dish at my wedding was cucumber sandwiches

The Tumbling Turtle and Barry The Badger

There you go. He did the same face but that's all right

There's 23!

There's nothing remotely white about you

There's only room for one of us here

They don't give Baftas for adverts, and you're the first person to recognise me, but thanks

THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY

This ends now

This isn't over!

Toby, what are you apologising to us for, man

Tomorrow

Too big for your fans, is that what it is- Mr Big Shot now

Um, can I get you anything- Um, no, thank you

Um, excuse me, is this the fifth floor

Um, happy birthday. Have a great day. How's that, cool

Um, yes, that was me. Oh, my God, I knew it!

Um...OK. That's Dinga-licious

Wait, what- Are you saying books shouldn't be released in September

Wasn't your left ear in it- Oh..

We'll send in the next brown boys, yeah

Welcome back to Chat To Me

Well, I call my mum and dad..

Well, I don't even wash my bum

Well, I wear socks with Velcro-strap sandals

What happened to my shop

What is the purpose of your visit to Marrakech

What the hell- You've taken it so low! Oh..

What's your name- Toby. Toby, do me a favour, yeah

When I first saw that film, bruv, I knew there and then

When you say that, say it with more aggression,

Where's my 24 multipack Red Bull

Why did you check in for your flight 24 hours early

Why don't...I show Sam around

With Ollie the elephant, who's much older than him

Would you mind signing a copy for me

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah, Bengali British Corporation and that

Yeah, come by to the shop, innit

Yeah, even Asif

Yeah, even my dad's side

Yeah, I know. Oh, casting director

Yeah, please do. Er..

Yes, like that. Like, Do you have suspicious items in your bag-!

Yes, my book, The Diary Of A Friendly Squirrel, is out now..

You absolute legend, Mo. I know

You can't wipe!

You have to wash!

You know what- I'm going to vlog this

You miss me, yeah- You miss me, innit

You see, years of smoking has had a drastically adverse effect

You should win, like, a Bafta for your performance, man. You must get recognised all the time, right

You were so hilarious in that

You weren't even that funny

You're right, there is only room for one brown person here

Your number, so I can text you, whatsapp you and call you

Your test results are back

..all white people have

..by their first names