Definitely, Maybe (2008) Edit

A little while longer. She's going to let us in.

A woman's right to do what she wants with her body? What about that?

A, you've fallen in love, and, B, you've fallen in love!

Absolutely.

Actually, he was completely alone and it was hours before the janitor found him.

After going too fast for way too long.

After they find each other after all that time?

All rise

Also cursing and fighting.

Although that's not what we real men call it.

Always on the cutting edge.

Am I Caroline Hopper in this story or your mom?

An entire table? No, that is very possible.

And all the guys wanted to sleep with her, and you probably will, too.

And all these old feelings, they start coming up.

And all you can dig up is that his daughter had an eating disorder?

And before I knew it, even though we were separated by entire worlds,

And considered a key political advisor of the White House.

And for a long time, nothing seemed to matter.

And he sees my mom walking around the corner.

And he'd find some way to hurt me.

And he's thinking,

And hope is exactly what he stands for, so...

And I figure it'll take about nine months,

And I have a phone. And this empty basket.

And I know all about you and your friend Robredo.

And I mean that. That's just a fact.

And I miss you like crazy, and it's really hard.

And I realized I had to tell someone.

And I think you guys are really gonna, you know, hit it off.

And I'm working at a bookstore.

And if she doesn't let us in, we're gonna go home,

And inside, he wrote a beautiful inscription, which I could care less about at the time

And instead my dad bought me a hardcover copy of Jane Eyre.

And it felt life changing.

And it was swell

And it was the truth.

And it's like you're too blind to see it.

And no one's in love with you.

And now that you're in love with April, she's in love with Kevin.

And on top of that, I was positive that in just a few hours,

And she says that it was because of something

And some of the facts, but I just decided that right now.

And somehow you neglect to tell me that,

And Summer's that Natasha lady who writes for that magazine.

And that moment he knows that he had no reason to be afraid.

And the only one I wanna kiss goodnight.

And the part about you and Emily touching each other and kissing.

And the person that you're with then, they become the one.

And the real story, not the, "Oh, we met, we fell in love,

And the staplers and those scissors?

And then after we broke up, I just felt lost.

And then I decided to do something really dramatic.

And then I'd be writing speeches,

And then just when you were about to put your penis

And then she fell in love with you, but you were in love with Summer,

And then some other, a smattering of other women that I dated.

And then the inevitable moment, and I don't know why it...

And then they couldn't even be friends.

And then you just left?

And then you twist it with a completely negative connotation.

And then, eventually, you're totally gonna hate me for it.

And then, our old boss, Arthur Robredo gave Russell and me our first big break.

And this one has a happy ending.

And we worked on campaigns for everybody.

And we're never gonna talk about this again.

And why should I marry you, anyway? I mean, why do you wanna marry me?

And you being wrong is more than enough for me.

And you don't have to wait long to find out, because that very night...

And you're completely obsessed with power and money.

And you're way ahead in all the polls.

Anyhow, when I went away to college, my mom sold our house

Anyway, I'm pretty sure I am the only Kevin who's actually living with her.

Anyway, we started writing postcards. We started writing letters.

Anyway, when Clinton got elected,

April?

April?

April?

Are you all right?

Are you serious?

Are you sure it didn't seem like a puff piece?

Are you the same Kevin that she mentioned a while back?

Aren't they kind of young?

As a known enemy

As I recall from our first encounter, you're a man of principles and ideals, even.

At least I tried. I went out there and I tried.

At some fancy French restaurant on the Upper East Side.

At some point in our lives, we all get coffee. Your time's now. Come on.

Babe, I am about the love.

Be a man.

Be great if you wore underwear. I'm gonna go check the weather in Chicago.

Beauty, ideals, love don't mean squat anymore.

Because I want you to be happy.

Because the first time that I saw these hands,

Because there's no way I can face going alone.

Because they don't have a beautiful girlfriend that they're eternally devoted to!

Because, after all, he is the big survivor, indeed, the victor

Bedtime!

Besides some bourgeois desire to fulfill an ideal that society embeds in us

Besides some bourgeois desire to fulfill an ideal that society embeds in us

Besides, did you know that the majority of Americans believe

Besides, we have a plan, right?

Besides, you and me, it'd kind of be like cats and dogs.

Big deal. Everyone has their weaknesses, you know?

Both legs.

Brooding and sexy, monosyllabic and totally my type.

Bryant, well, you forgot to mention the Texas Rangers.

But a little "oralness" and you're headed for impeachment.

But at last minute, he gets a gig in Philly, which, of course, he takes 'cause...

But he still happens to be the President of the United States.

But he's basically out of the picture.

But I can't even get it together to do that.

But I didn't mean to tell you that.

But I don't think I will. You see, I don't want a fling.

But I just don't really have time for the pain.

But I screwed it up.

But I still love you.

But I wasn't the only one with problems.

But I've been thinking about going back to school.

But now I'm kinda liking her. Did you ask her out on a date?

But sometimes, no matter how carefully you plan your playlist,

But the big question tonight is, to what degree?

But the editor made me change it.

But there's a really nice dedication inside, with a quote from the book.

But this guy, he can't even define the word "is."

But this wasn't what was supposed to have happened.

But Tuesdays and Fridays are my favorite days.

But what I don't understand,

But you didn't change April's name. Why?

But you had such persistence

Bye, copy girl.

Can I get you to sign right here, please?

Can I have a cigarette? Just a dying man's last request.

Can we be friends?

Can you hear me now?

Christ, you're tall.

Christ.

City council, state senate.

Close the door behind you.

Come as you are, as a friend

Come on through. You can do it.

Come on, let's go. Let's go.

Come on, sweetheart, give me a smile. I've waited my whole life to do that joke.

Come on, tell me the truth.

Come on, you've been staring at that package for about a week now.

Come on.

Congratulations.

Congratulations.

Copies? You want me to make copies?

Copy girl, what I think you're actually paying for

Could be.

Dad!

Dad?

Definitely. Maybe.

Did you always want to be a journalist?

Did you call Summer?

Did you ever think

Did you have another girlfriend before you met her?

Did you know that 35 people try to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge each year?

Did you know that 50% of Americans believe that

Did you know that penguins mate for life?

Did you read this?

Do you know what the husband and wife penguins do

Do you remember that song?

Do you still have sex with Daddy?

Do your job.

Do your job.

Don't make me laugh. Emily,

Don't mention osmosis.

Don't mess with me.

Don't stop! This is good stuff. Where were you? Okay.

Don't you think it's a little weird we've been writing each other for however long

Drink!

Dumbass!

Early. You're fresh off the boat, aren't you?

Easiest 20 bucks I ever made.

Easy. Easy now.

Emergency room? Hello?

Emily sounds like she would make a good mom.

Emily.

Ended up marrying your mother, you'll also need to know

Everybody seems to be using that line these days.

Everybody's talking about it, so why is it okay for him and not for Clinton?

Except for one, which is for you.

Except to really understand how this young man

Fair enough.

Fantastic. I cannot wait to peruse these in my abundant spare time.

Fine! Fine!

First of all, Arthur Robredo is not a hack. He's worked his way up from the streets.

Five minutes, okay? Five...

Flap their flippers and sing as loud as they can!

For an institution that fails as often as it succeeds?

For my 13th birthday, I wanted a pair of gold stud earrings,

For the first time, New York was coming to me,

For the past two years, I have lied to the press about our relationship to protect him.

For the President of the United States of America,

Forget about the real deal. You don't find it, it finds you.

Frank Sinatra, Linda Ronstadt.

From an early age to promote a consumer capitalist agenda?

From bagels and toilet paper to signs and bumper stickers.

From the Columbia Presbyterian emergency room. We have...

From... Don't tell me!

Gareth, have a drink.

Gareth, you are unfailingly repugnant.

Get off my front porch!

Getting married is the only thing left to do.

Glad to have you aboard, Hayes!

Go on, tell her.

Go to rehab or life rehab or something like that.

God, I'm coming.

Goes 'round the moon

Going from a one night stand to being sworn in as President.

Gonna meet you and Arthur in the restaurant.

Good evening, gentlemen. Pack of Reds, please.

Good luck.

Good morning.

Good night, Russell!

Good to see you.

Good.

Great. Ask her out.

Guess that's it for Emily.

Hampton encourages me to cultivate my curiosity.

Hampton?

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, dear Will

Happy birthday, gorgeous.

Happy New Year!

Has anyone seen Robert Klein?

Have the coffee here by 10:00, or Arthur's gonna kill me!

Hayes! Where is Hayes? Hayes!

Hayes.

Hayes.

He had just discovered that the woman he truly loved, April Hoffman,

He may not be in your union,

He says it's the key to being a good journalist.

He was a cop, an entrepreneur.

He was telling me how to be a real man, as opposed to the sort of

He's a putz. This is exactly what my book is about.

He's from Texas. His name's George Bush. But he is not the President.

He's gonna make a difference with women. He gets women.

He's my thesis advisor.

He's not your father? Is that what he told you?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello.

Hello. Hey. Hi.

Here is Tom Brokaw in New York.

Here.

Here. Read it. It's free.

Here's a list of Madison graduates in the New York area.

Hey, come on, now. I just want you to come for a weekend.

Hey, deep breath, okay? Look, let's just ask the hotel,

Hey, did I tell you that I hate my job?

Hey, don't hand this in, okay?

Hey, everybody, he's here!

Hey, guess who's gonna be the luckiest guy on planet Earth in about four seconds?

Hey, it's April. I still need to talk to you. Please call me back.

Hey, let's get this party started.

Hey, maybe you should follow his lead and seduce an intern.

Hey, monster, that was fun today. I'll see you on Wednesday, okay?

Hey, somebody turn it up.

Hey, there is no excuse, and I'm sorry.

Hey, this is April.

Hey! It's me!

Hey! Listen up! Look up, everybody!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. That is a coincidence. I love women that say "unfailingly repugnant."

Hey. Wake up.

Hey. You okay?

Hi, this is Summer. Please leave a message, and I will call you back.

Hi, Will. Package for you.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. I'm looking for April.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hold it! Stop. Stop right there!

Homeless, I know.

How are we supposed to know where Robert Klein is?

How are you? What's doing?

How come you changed all the names except hers?

How come you have so many copies of Jane Eyre?

How could she do that to you?

How did you find it? I mean, where did you find it?

How do you tell someone that you care about

How does it have a happy ending?

How long?

How was the rest of your evening? Successful, I take it.

How you doing?

How's high school?

How's that, Mr. Roth? Are you comfortable?

I always imagined that he'd make a more theatrical exit.

I always think of something more important to do.

I am fine with that.

I am nothing. Why am I obligated to be something?

I am.

I bet that if you just told me the story, you'd realize that it's not complicated at all.

I brought my C.V. and a sample of some speeches I wrote for Congressman Sweeney.

I can be happy for you. Of course I can be happy for you.

I can see where you're going with this.

I can't believe that she rehearsed with Charlie.

I can't believe we're finally gonna meet the President.

I can't believe you smoked and drank and were such a slut.

I can't believe you're doing this.

I can't do that.

I can't explain. She'll just know.

I can't have that, Hayes. I need you to sell five of them.

I can't stop my leg

I couldn't imagine not being able to hold them.

I couldn't miss your birthday. We came all the way up from Washington.

I couldn't. And I don't know why.

I decided to unlock his beautiful lips from mine,

I did not have sexual relations with that woman,

I didn't do it the first time around.

I didn't, I didn't. I didn't.

I didn't.

I do what I want with my body.

I don't believe it! I don't believe it!

I don't even know if they have that sort of thing, but if they did...

I don't have a lot of experience with whatever this is.

I don't know why it happens, but it always does,

I don't know, and I don't know how to know. You know?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't think anyone ever imagines on their wedding day

I don't think she's gonna let us in.

I don't think, I know. Look at the picture of her. I love her.

I downloaded a copy of the union seal.

I drink!

I dropped it off once. I mean, I tried. Kevin was there and...

I fell

I fell in love with her because she was smart and beautiful and fun.

I get out of work early, and I go pick up my daughter, Maya, from school.

I got a new roommate, Olivia.

I got a thing for guys who've got a thing for me.

I got that one, too.

I got to go.

I guess you could say that they were rehearsing.

I had finally made it inside the room.

I had two serious girlfriends.

I have a thought.

I have no idea why. They're like kryptonite to me.

I have some news for you, too.

I have something for you.

I have something for you. This is from Emily.

I have to think about it.

I haven't heard any of your long sorry messages in a while.

I haven't seen you in weeks!

I hear they asked you to stay on. You must be very happy.

I heard. I'm so sorry.

I hope so. Unless she's collecting Kevins.

I just had the weirdest flash of a whole life,

I just sold an entire table for $50,000.

I just wonder if you want people to like you a little too much.

I knew Summer would be back. Did you?

I know I'll never find it.

I know that's none of my business, but you're too good for him.

I know this is tough for you, but what are you thinking?

I know who Bill Clinton is.

I know you're dying to know what's inside.

I know. I know.

I know. I know. But it was from her dad.

I know. Shocking.

I know. What about the dancing? Make that end.

I look for the copy that my dad bought me for my birthday.

I love beer.

I love long haired brunettes with horn rimmed glasses.

I love penguins.

I love this girl so much.

I love you.

I make a living.

I mean, don't make me come over there and hurt you.

I mean, don't you know about New York girls?

I mean, her hair alone is enough reason to go after Clinton.

I mean, how do you accidentally thrust a penis into... Hi, Luis.

I mean, I was camping on this beautiful beach in Crete

I mean, really, what do I know about missile systems

I mean, sure, after, he'd be sorry.

I mean, the incredibly hot start, with Paco basking in my love and admiration...

I mean, to please a woman like you, it would obviously take a...

I mean, you're in love with April, who used to be in love with Lucas,

I meant to give it to you. I wanted to give it to you.

I meant to...

I need to know.

I never should have opened that diary. It's like Pandora's hot, sexy box.

I never thought I'd spend my days,

I never told anybody to lie.

I promise you.

I read it every year or two. Each time it's different.

I really liked Summer.

I saw our entire relationship, from present to future tense.

I see the passion in your eyes

I see you drank my boyfriend under the table.

I see you've been eating noodles.

I should want them to hate me.

I should, shouldn't I?

I slept with Charlie!

I start crying.

I still feel pretty lost, especially when it comes to relationships.

I think he was completely plastered.

I think I'm a little out of my league here.

I think it'll be a big deal for about a week, and then the storm will pass...

I think you should go.

I think you should keep it. You should read it when you're lonely.

I think you should tell me the story of you and my mom.

I think you're wrong.

I thought he was gonna be different than the other jokers,

I thought we had a plan.

I thought you were gone through the summer.

I took a job with the city education department.

I used to love what I do, and now I feel like a complete hack.

I wanna marry you because you're the first person

I want the real deal.

I want to make amends with anyone I ever hurt.

I want you to all understand that it's gonna be as a direct result

I wanted to, but I couldn't 'cause she was writing the article.

I was gonna say, did I ever tell you about the day my dad proposed to my mom?

I was just curious.

I was just telling Emily how Arthur sent you to Albany as part of the advance team.

I was too busy working on the campaign.

I was with him like an hour ago. Now he's gone.

I wonder why Emily gave it to you to give to me.

I would love that.

I wrote three speeches for Congressman Sweeney.

I'd just really like you to be happy for me.

I'd... Yeah, I'd love dinner.

I'll be fine. But this song, it's an excellent cure for the will to live.

I'll keep that in mind.

I'll need filled immediately.

I'll never forget that day.

I'll put you down for one table, then. That sounds great.

I'll take you out for dinner, for a birthday dinner.

I'm a workaholic.

I'm down. Are you okay?

I'm Emily, your college sweetheart. Is there something you wanted to ask me?

I'm funnier over here.

I'm going to the office. It's... Got a big day. Nice meeting you.

I'm gonna count to 30, okay?

I'm gonna find Maya.

I'm gonna hold you back from all these...

I'm gonna keep my eye on the ball. Emily and I have a future. We have a plan.

I'm gonna put it in my cell phone, and that way I'm never gonna lose it, okay?

I'm gonna put these in some water.

I'm gonna start working on that right away. You got any tips for me?

I'm gonna tell you the story,

I'm guessing you weren't her first boyfriend.

I'm happy.

I'm having a little party Sunday.

I'm in love with you, April.

I'm in New York, and I was thinking

I'm just waiting for April.

I'm just, I don't understand why you have to work for Clinton in New York.

I'm mentioning him now.

I'm not kidding.

I'm not. I just know that these bozos you're working for,

I'm not. This is a money gig. I get paid 12 an hour,

I'm really sorry I lost your number.

I'm saying I would love to hear a song.

I'm serious.

I'm so glad it's you.

I'm sorry about the other night.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I think I was just nervous to tell you.

I'm struggling with the copy machine.

I'm talking about you and me.

I'm walking! Back in half an hour.

I'm watching you right now.

I'm working for Bill Clinton. He's running for President.

I'm writing these really dumb items for New York Magazine.

I've already got it memorized, so I'll just leave it on the table.

I've always liked you.

I've been saving money.

I've got a crush on you, sweetie pie

I've had it for a while.

I've heard Bush has a mistress.

I've never spent the whole day in bed with a really great guy.

If I remember correctly, I believe it was my "plan," wasn't it?

If it means "there is none" that is a completely true statement.

If she lets us in, tell her the story like you told me.

If they didn't want a baby, then how come they had sex?

If you could just please paste it onto a menu,

If you want, I'll still continue with the story. Does that sound good?

In 1992 to be exact, in a little town called Madison, Wisconsin,

In a second, you're gonna say something impossibly charming.

In a second, you're gonna say something impossibly charming.

In fact, I haven't had sex since Clinton was re elected.

In fact, I know so much, I could bring you both down.

In the beginning of the story always gets dumped.

In the meantime, here's a sample of the coffee and bagel order

In the New York primary and by a comfortable margin.

In the story, you know, like Mom became Emily,

In your apartment?

Instead of the other way around.

Instead, he's the eldest son of George and Barbara

Into somebody else's vagina...

Iran Contra. Arms for oil, no problem.

Is I wanna go to all those places that I know nothing about.

Is it true you graduated first of your class at Madison?

Is it?

Is that I like you.

Is that your Emily?

Is the picture of the eagle and the pretty pastel colors.

Is there anything else you should tell me?

It doesn't work that way.

It is complicated, isn't it?

It means that you get to a certain age and then you're ready.

It seems to be about 300 pages or so.

It tastes different, your tongue.

It tells me different things.

It was 1994, and New York was full of new life.

It was cowardly, and I'm sorry.

It was just one week before the primary, and I had graduated

It's a beautiful edition, known for the cover illustration.

It's Emily!

It's gonna blow over. Right.

It's hard enough to get elected the first black President

It's her first night out since the baby was born.

It's inexcusable.

It's just like the day that my...

It's killing me that you're going out with the kid.

It's like she said. If she didn't write it, someone else would have.

It's like when something is staring you in the face

It's me, Will.

It's my favorite man boy. You look very manly.

It's not like his dad slipped on a banana peel.

It's okay. I just didn't think that Lucas would approve.

It's probably hard for you to imagine a relationship based on mutual respect

It's really bad.

It's stupid, but it's become this, like, weird superstitious little...

It's Summer, isn't it? And you're not my father.

It's weird. It was never quite right. You know?

It's your birthday party. Everybody is waiting for you.

It's...

Jane Eyre, Random House, 1943.

Jesus! Mercy!

Jesus. That's awful.

Just heard we got the Quaker Oats account.

Just her name alone, Summer Hartley, is driving me...

Just take a second.

Just want to let everyone know that the new signs are ready.

Keep a hard copy. That might be nice for me.

Kevin, phone!

Kevin.

Let me ask you a question. How could you let this happen?

Let them.

Let's call her...

Like an "I feel sorry for you

Listen,

Listen, I want you to know I've donated my organs to medical science

Listen. I was young, and I was stupid, and I haven't smoked in years.

Lock it!

Look at you, Will, you're a mess.

Look it! You got a tear right there! I see it.

Look, have you ever actually had sex with a sexagenarian?

Look, I'm just saying this as a friend, and I swear, it's just as a friend,

Look, look, check it out.

Make 500 copies, use a union shop. We're gonna be home free, here.

Make yourself comfortable. I have to finish this application I'm writing.

Man, if this guy's smart, he'll go back to baseball.

Many years.

Marry me?

Marry me?

Matthew

Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. Tell me and we'll find out.

Maybe it was some nerdy guy, or maybe he was mean.

Maybe we could get a cup of coffee and catch up.

Maybe you should mail it to her.

Me, neither.

Me, three.

Me, too.

Meanwhile, he accepted an invitation

Miss Lewinsky.

Mom, can Dad come with us to the zoo?

More jobs, more money.

More love.

Move over! Another foot! Go, another foot. Move over!

Mr. Arthur...

Mr. President! Hey, Mr. President!

My boyfriend, Lucas, was taking me out for dinner and then to a party.

My heart, stupid.

My joie de vivre

My number is 212 664 7665.

My number...

My shit is a mess?

Nice glasses.

No wonder you didn't want to be with her.

No, but you're off to a great start.

No, hold on. You're an Independent, aren't you?

No, I didn't mean it like that.

No, I think you'd definitely enjoy meeting her.

No, I think you'd definitely enjoy meeting her.

No, I thought so, too, but this crazy thing happened.

No, I'm not getting down on my knee.

No, I'm not. I'm letting you go.

No, it wasn't the plan. I was scared of you and your dreams,

No, it's not time for bed! It's time for you to tell me the story!

No, no, I get the whole politician thing. It's easy to like you.

No, no, I know it's corny, but I also think

No, no, no, I really don't agree

No, no. Don't eat it yet! Not till we get to our bench.

No, really, when I was with you, I thought, "This is it."

No, they're for Arthur. I need them like, 15 minutes ago.

No!

No! Stop! Stop right there. We're not gonna read this. We can't.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. I left her a message. She didn't get back to me.

No. Until I was 16, I wanted to be an actress. I wanted to sing on Broadway.

No. Yeah.

Nobody's dying.

Not happening. God, you're such a drama queen.

Nothing.

Nothing. I wanted to wait till she came for a visit,

Now he tells me to deny it.

Now here it comes.

Now, every time I pass a second hand bookstore,

Now, if Bill Clinton wins,

Now, it's a great feeling when you find the right track to go with the day.

Now, that's how important the work is.

Now, this young man was deeply, deeply in love with his college sweetheart.

Of course I'm watching.

Of the commitment and the energy of every person in this room.

Of Timothys and Williams would be

Oh, Christ.

Oh, come on! No.

Oh, God! They have fresh mint tea. I love fresh mint tea.

Oh, good.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! I didn't think you'd be here!

Oh, my God! I'm your mom!

Oh, my God. It never ends.

Oh, my goodness. I'm in big trouble. I love this girl!

Oh, okay.

Oh, please! Daddy.

Oh, this is...

Oh!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Okay, but Mrs. Gallagher didn't actually say "thrust."

Okay, give me your number, right now.

Okay, great. Thank you, Mr. Bishop.

Okay, I look forward to seeing you next Thursday.

Okay, I'm coming!

Okay, kiddo, here's the deal.

Okay, stop. Now go forward, slowly.

Okay, thank you.

Okay, they...

Okay, we have to inhale at the same time for the same amount of time.

Okay, you know what? I think we should stop now.

Okay? It's two months in New York. I'll be back before you know it.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. All right, munchkin. Let's go!

Okay. Go, go, go. Go be your brilliant self.

Okay. Good night, Maya.

Okay. Here you go.

Once upon a time,

One night I'm dancing with Paco and he kisses me,

One that never, ever happened.

One thing they've left intact.

Open it.

Or foursome if that old dude is still in the picture.

Or maybe

Or run down the stairs and say...

Or shine like the sun, and it always makes me feel better.

Or Social Security, or the tax code?

Or the pH balance... I don't know what I'm talking about.

Over, over, over!

Ow!

People don't really care about this stuff.

Please save it. I don't need to hear this right now.

Please tell me you're not in love with him.

Poor April.

Poor Hampton.

Probably because I'm stuck in a rut with this guy.

Probably not.

Put the picture back!

Put your coat on.

Read his plans on health care. Read his plans on education.

Ready?

Really?

Really? It's not the booze or the cigarettes or the sophomores?

Really? Why do I feel like I should hide the razor blades?

Really.

Really.

Remove his hand from my ass,

Right here, I got a desk, and I got a list.

Right now I'm seeing this guy, Kevin.

Russell and I started our own consulting firm,

Sammy Boigon's sister said he was an accident.

See you later.

Seeing as I was so pissed about the earrings,

Seriously, why?

She fluffs up my hair and tells me to be brilliant

She gets it tomorrow. I made a reservation

She is a freak!

She said something was missing with Kevin,

She said that she wanted to get to know our most important supporters.

She said that she wanted to get to know our most important supporters.

She traveled all over the world, just like she always dreamed of doing.

She wants to be the girlfriend, except it's too late.

She went traveling.

She would have heard through the intercom and let us in,

She'll like it. She'll like seeing you down on your knee.

She's like the character in the story who's always been the friend.

She's mine, not yours.

She's so his type.

She's starring in somebody else's diary now.

She's the only girl I know in New York.

She's trashy.

Six, six, five. See? Now I got it. And I'm never gonna lose it again.

Smoke.

So did she? Did she break it?

So Emily is what, like, your college sweetheart?

So go back to Madison.

So I lost my girl, I lost my job, and I lost my friend.

So I'm here to repeat in front of all of you...

So if there's not as many chemicals in them,

So if you wouldn't mind...

So tell me about Bill Clinton.

So tell me about yourself. What's your deal? What do you aspire to?

So the last time we saw William Hayes,

So there's never been a guy, ever, that made you think, "This is it.

So what happens now?

So will you...

So you're absolutely positive, 100%, that Emily is the very same woman

So, did I ever tell you... I was gonna...

So, the magazine asked me to do a follow up on Robredo.

So, we'll change together.

So, what took you so long to finally call me back there, red?

So...

Some reassuring idea about your lifestyle. The rest is pretty much crap.

Some reassuring idea about your lifestyle. The rest is pretty much crap.

Something always seemed to be missing with Kevin.

Something cute.

Something I should have sent her a long time ago.

Sometimes it's all a big surprise

Sorry.

Summer said to hang tight. She'll be back. She wants you to wait.

Summer, listen to me.

Summer! Daddy's hungry!

Summer's come.

Swallow!

Table seven's up. Six pasta. Two fish. Get it out the door, now!

Take it easy, Maya. It's just a story.

Tell us the truth, my friend.

Telling me this story, this mystery love story.

Ten, nine, eight...

Thank you so much.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Scotch, rocks, please.

Thank you. Yes.

Thanks.

That each and every one of you is...

That I said to her on her birthday.

That I want to look at when I wake up in the morning

That I'm gonna tell you this story and it's gonna make everything better?

That is a beautiful woman right there.

That is a cellular telephone

That is an impressive mental leap, Russ,

That maybe we just needed a different plan?

That means I'm gonna have to kill you. I've killed before, Hayes.

That should be a good time.

That sometimes the husband and wife penguins get separated

That sort of thing.

That the Governor comes from a town called Hope.

That the Governor has a character problem, Mrs. Perleman.

That the Vietnam War was just a terrible idea?

That was the start of the Internet. And overnight, everyone in Manhattan

That way Summer gets a break, and you get the word out.

That would be my daughter, Maya.

That would be wonderful. No, thank you.

That you don't want the same things

That you just love her.

That's a game that adults play sometimes when they're bored.

That's a very good question.

That's also true.

That's apathetic.

That's because he doesn't have any. Right, babe?

That's complicated.

That's funny. In a minute, I'll have 40.

That's good because it's ironic.

That's Hampton Roth. He's an incredible writer.

That's interesting, coming from you, April.

That's it! That's how I figured it out!

That's kind of cheating, isn't it? Bringing your daughter?

That's like if your girlfriend catches you in bed with another woman, then you say,

That's my guy, Will. My guy.

That's not funny, Hayes. That's very...

That's pathetic. It's so puny.

That's the difficult part to explain.

That's very interesting, Dad, but what about girlfriends?

That's what Mom does when I'm upset.

That's why you keep me around.

That's...

The campaign manager would realize how brilliant I was.

The guy's been in New York politics for over 20 years

The hotel workers won't let anybody into the building.

The next Kurt Cobain than being my boyfriend.

The other thing I can't believe is that you'd risk leaving Emily here with me,

The satisfaction of me being right

The Teamsters won't set up the satellite feed!

The thing is...

The way you take the simplest statement,

The weather cleared in Chicago. The President will be here by 8:00.

The world will pardon my mush

Then again,

Then how about a nice cup of tea?

Then she realized she doesn't just want to be the friend.

Then what happened?

Then why don't you just marry her?

There I was, arriving in the city I always dreamed about

There is no right track for what awaits you.

There lived a young man named William Hayes.

There! Right there!

There's a book!

There's a fetching young intern who just started a week ago.

There's just no room for truth in journalism.

There's no union seal on the menus or the programs.

There's union seals on all the menus, my friend.

These allegations are false.

These are for you.

These people earn 200 grand plus a year.

They don't care about anything more than their own ambitions.

They don't put as many chemicals in them.

They just keep playing it over and over and over again.

They need him, Em. Will's the man. I can't believe you're letting him go.

They put saltpeter in your cigarettes,

They should cost less, not more, don't you think?

They still haven't come up with one yet, but I'm sure they're working on it.

They were a perfect couple.

They'll be part of the 46% that doesn't live happily ever after.

They're beautiful.

They're looking good.

Think of it like a tire blowing out on the highway

This is Dr. Levenstein

This is Kurt Cobain. This is Nirvana. Do you like it?

Those chubby redheads with the long, fake fingernails?

Those were delightful, weren't they? Sorry about that.

Throw back their heads,

Time to go.

To capture me

To keep that rampant, rapacious ambition of yours in check.

To the home of his ex girlfriend, Summer Hartley,

Toilet paper guy! Toilet paper guy!

Told me it was for my own good.

Told you New York was gonna change you.

Trust me, Dad. You're not happy.

Trust me.

Truth is he's far more interested in being

Trying to figure out how to get kids to eat Cap'n Crunch instead of Froot Loops.

Twenty nine and a half.

Twenty nine and a quarter.

Twenty nine and three quarters.

Two seats.

Two seats.

Uh huh.

Uh oh.

Uh uh.

Uh uh.

Um,

Um...

Very cool.

Very nice of you to come to our little shindig.

Wait a minute.

Wait, don't tell me. You work for your daddy.

Wait! I almost forgot. You have to give this to Summer.

Wait! Stop! Stop right there. Now, go back.

Wait. Who's that? That's April.

Waiting for my big break.

Walk me home?

Walk with me. Why would you wanna work for a hack like Arthur Robredo?

Walking toward us right now?

Was I snoring?

Was in love with another man.

Way to go. You must be completely psyched.

We became great friends.

We can just sit here and we don't have to worry about

We do nothing.

We do. The President's coming in from Chicago.

We even did one for the local dog catcher.

We have a $10,000 a plate fundraiser on Monday with 15 empty tables.

We learned all about sexual intercourse at school yesterday.

We need to talk.

We're still walking, Hayes.

We've come a long way from that hotel room on 8th Avenue.

Weeks and years working in an advertising agency

Well, a week after Kurt Cobain died, she broke up with her boyfriend.

Well, actually, I'm not judging. Look at you.

Well, aren't actresses needy and emotional and, you know, insecure?

Well, at some point, we all make copies. Your time is now.

Well, because now that you're getting divorced,

Well, because they don't need me here. They need me in New York.

Well, Dad was on his way to meet my mom to propose,

Well, I don't need a guy. I never really did.

Well, I never welsh on a bet, so I'll tell you what.

Well, I think I discovered who my mom is in the story.

Well, if you look on the back, they all have one common song, which is...

Well, if your deal with Emily is so gosh darn wonderful,

Well, sometimes they're apart for years, but they almost always find each other.

Well, thank you, thank you. That's the aim.

Well, what do you mean, "Will you, um, marry me?"

Well, you could let us in.

Well, you had a plan, Will. You have a really big plan!

Well, you're right about one thing. He certainly gets women.

Weren't you listening? She came home for you.

What a dick.

What about civil rights or women's rights?

What am I doing here?

What am I doing here?

What am I supposed to do now?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing in there?

What are you doing? This is good stuff, man!

What are you gonna say?

What are you saying, Hampton?

What are you saying? That I don't need? That I don't have emotions?

What are your dreams? What are your fancies?

What comes after that?

What did happen to us?

What do you call it?

What do you care if I'm in love with him, huh?

What do you do now? You...

What do you mean?

What do you mean?

What do you wanna be when you grow up?

What do you want to be when you grow up?

What does that mean? I don't know what that means.

What else did he tell you?

What happened when the article came out?

What happens if they give him one of the hard words, like "truth"?

What have you been up to?

What is it?

What is this?

What made you become a Bill Clinton supporter?

What story?

What story?

What they didn't say was he was on the couch with the dean's daughter.

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What's a threesome?

What's all that noise?

What's that all about?

What's that?

What's the boy word for slut?

What's the happy in that?

What's the word from upstate?

Whatever. So what happened with Emily?

When all that love and admiration would start to irritate him

When I realized who that person was,

When people read this...

Whenever I figure out whatever I'm supposed to learn from all this,

Where did... How come you never, you know, mentioned anything about him?

Where the hell are you?

Where's Russ?

Which by the way, I totally respect.

Which felt nice, which made me feel even more upset,

Which idiot forgot to check the menus and the programs?

Which is better than babysitting, which is what I've been doing way too much of.

Which is perfect timing.

Which is when the man removes his penis from his pajamas

Which make them burn faster, which make you smoke more.

Which may involve some type of threesome now.

Which means it might not be missing with you,

Which means maybe Summer Hartley is my mother.

Which means, at the end of the day, your cigarettes actually cost more, not less.

Which they never put down.

Which was tragic as it turned out 'cause it was the last present he ever gave me.

Which, on a good day, add up to a sophomore, I suppose.

Who cares about Chicago?

Who talks like that?

Who the hell's Kevin?

Who was always really in love with Hampton.

Who, if she does turn out to be my mother, I'm running away to Canada.

Who's Kurt Cobain?

Who's the lucky guy?

Whoa, did you just say "energy"? Will, you did not just say "energy."

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Why are you so upset?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait! Did he say that?

Whoa.

Why are you so concerned with all of this anyway?

Why aren't you out celebrating?

Why bother? He's having enough sex for the entire country.

Why can't you just work for him in Madison?

Why couldn't you have told me when you had your shit together?

Why do you keep saying "my mom" like I've never met her?

Why does everyone have to be a Democrat or a Republican?

Why don't you use that newly acquired scintilla of power and influence

Why would you be nervous to tell me?

Why?

Will Hayes, I worked on the '92 campaign.

Will Hayes.

Will select their next Democratic nominee for President.

Will you please put it on?

Will you spend the whole day in bed with me?

Will you,

Will, did you know there was gonna be a sex ed class today?

Will, I don't want that, and you don't want that.

Will!

Will?

Will?

Will's a lot of fun.

William

William Hayes!

William Hayes?

William Hayes.

Wisconsin! Yes, the Cheese State.

With all these really cool people, and there was this guy that I liked, Paco,

Without even the slightest hint of whatever you call it, masochism.

Without having Julia Roberts on your arm at the inauguration.

Without me.

Wow, I am sorry. You must miss them.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow. Really?

Yeah, and you never listened to me. You were always with the rings.

Yeah, April. Who'd you think it was? Are you watching or not?

Yeah, give us a call sometime. We should all go out for dinner.

Yeah, I get it.

Yeah, I've been... Me, too.

Yeah, if Dad wants to come, sure.

Yeah, in fact, I know more about Bill Clinton than his own mother.

Yeah, let's fill up the tub and drop in a toaster.

Yeah, me, too.

Yeah, really. Is that hard to believe?

Yeah, see, I don't think that's gonna matter, because he's the tough on crime Democrat.

Yeah, she can,

Yeah, that's funny, the toilet paper.

Yeah, that's real mature. Where are you going?

Yeah, that's right, everybody. My desk.

Yeah, the dinner's next Thursday.

Yeah, there's a lot of drinking involved.

Yeah, well, I kind of figured you'd chew him up and spit him out.

Yeah, yeah, he did, and I am. Very, very happy.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. I just need to lie here for a sec.

Yeah. I know what you mean.

Yeah. I'm her daddy.

Yeah. No, thank you.

Yeah. Summer tells me you're writing speeches now for Arthur Robredo?

Yeah. Yeah.

Years.

Yep.

Yep.

Yes, I understand your concern, but I think you should remember

Yes, I was Bill Clinton's lover for 12 years.

Yes, when I spoke with Hillary this morning

Yes, you are.

Yes. I am, in fact, the toilet paper guy,

You a Jehovah's Witness?

You a vegetarian this week or not?

You already did.

You always said marriage was overrated.

You and my mom, whoever she is, you're getting divorced.

You are so hot!

You are.

You can't talk to a Teamster like that! Come on.

You could do anything on earth, and you work in a bookstore.

You don't look happy or excited about the prospect of our marriage!

You invite us inside, and we tell you the story.

You just bought a diamond engagement ring for someone!

You just read it.

You know exactly why I never told you. You'd never be interested in me.

You know something? I'm gonna tell you the real, true story

You know what I love?

You know what I mean?

You know what I really wanna do

You know what I've never done?

You know what the funny part is? It's $1,000.

You know what?

You know what? At first, I didn't want Summer to be my mom.

You know what? I think it happened such a long time ago,

You know,

You know, I love the zoo. Let's go to the zoo.

You know, I originally wrote,

You know, I'll see if I can make it.

You know, it really isn't so bad.

You know, it's funny that you should mention that.

You know, that's usually a good thing.

You know, there's one part, though, that kind of bothered me.

You know, you're ready for kids or a commitment or, you know...

You know.

You look great.

You might wanna look at that. I'm gonna propose a toast.

You missed your birthday cake.

You never gave it to her? After all that time?

You screwed up, man. You really screwed up.

You should dump him.

You should practice with me. I'm really good at that. I will be Emily.

You smoked?

You still have to tell me the story of why you fell in love with her.

You think he did it, don't you?

You think it's ridiculous that I want to be a politician, don't you?

You think this guy, Bill Clinton, is gonna make a huge difference?

You want me to get coffee?

You want some aspirin?

You wanted to be President?

You were completely and totally on purpose. I knew exactly what I was getting into.

You were friends for the longest time,

You were wonderful, darling. Is he being nice? You being nice?

You, I don't know who you are, but your fly's down.

You.

You.

You're a Democrat, right?

You're a great writer. I mean...

You're a mess.

You're an idiot.

You're asking me to give up my freedom,

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful. You're sophisticated. You're a very talented writer.

You're drunk.

You're early.

You're getting warm.

You're hot.

You're hot.

You're in a good mood.

You're just gonna have to figure it out for yourself.

You're kidding me!

You're never coming back.

You're not helping.

You're right.

You're right. I'm sorry.

You're such a sweetie. You're a sweet guy, you know that?

You're the one who set us up, remember?

You're the toilet paper guy.

You're welcome.

You're wrong. He's gonna make a difference with African Americans.

3.25? These are $2.15 in Madison, Wisconsin.

3.60. New tax and a new warning.

4:00. No excuses.

4.25? You pay $4.25 for a pack of cigarettes?

"'In secret kept, in silence sealed..."' "'In silence sealed

20 bucks. I got 20 bucks.

Actually... No! I give up. What do you do?

Advance team. Yeah. How'd it go?

All right. No, come on.

an incredible, deep kiss. Spare me the details.

and babysitting. No.

And I baked it. You baked it.

and I walked away. Good move.

And she's off. Bye. Bye bye.

And then she'll know. Know what?

And then we'll see how smart you are. I like it. It's like a love story/mystery.

And what do I do? I don't know. What'd you do?

And you. Okay.

Anybody else? I was too busy.

April here? No, she's at school.

Are you gonna call her? Are you insane?

Are you okay? Oh, yeah, I was just getting a little exercise.

Are you seeing anyone? Me? Am I... No, no. Absolutely not.

As you know. Yes.

Bitch. Maya.

boy man I seem to be. Did you learn anything?

Boyishly? I mean... Yeah.

But I understand. I get it. I actually think it's very sweet.

but I'm not telling you who your mom is. Fine.

But nothing serious. What about April? What happened to her?

Can I get 10 copies? Put them on the pile.

Can I get a pack of Morley Red, please? 3.25.

Can somebody get me an aspirin, please? Watch it!

Can't a girl miss a guy? And you know that's gonna end badly.

Change can be good. If we change together.

Come in. Okay.

Come on, let's dance. No.

Come on. I'm just doing my job.

Come on. We're walking. We're walking.

Could we maybe go for a walk? Yeah.

Dad, maybe this wasn't such a good idea. What?

Dating? Not at present. You?

Did that Clinton inhale or not? What does it matter?

Do you want a cup of tea? Yeah. I'd love one.

Do you? I think I have a pretty good idea.

Don't forget to write. That's right. Don't forget to write.

Drink? No. No. It's a little early for me.

Emily, when I saw you this morning... Will, please.

Emily! Emily!

Emily. Yes, William.

Emily... Wait! You've got to get down on your knee.

Enchanté. Yeah. Salud.

Exactly. Okay. All right.

Explain how Sammy was an accident. That's complicated.

Fine. You convinced me. You're nothing. I'm nothing.

flirting or all the attraction stuff. All that stuff.

flirting or all the attraction stuff. All that stuff.

Gareth. Hayes.

God, you're beautiful. Thank you.

God. Died in his office. Heart attack? Yeah.

Good luck. Thanks.

Great. Great.

Great. Yeah, it is great. It's also...

Great. Sounds good. You ready? No.

Guess what, Mom? What?

Hampton? Are you gonna join us?

Hard to compete with that. Well, unless you're the competitive type.

Have you ever read it? No.

Haven't talked to her in ages. We'll be moving in together in the fall.

He did this? Yes.

He didn't make the cut, huh? Yeah.

He died last year. Yeah.

He's functionally retarded. I am worried New York's gonna change you.

He's funny. He dumped me for a sophomore.

Heartbreaker? No.

Hello? Are you watching?

Hello. Hey, it's Will.

Hello. Hi.

Hello. Pack of American Eagles, blue, please.

Here. Yeah.

Hey, how are you? Nice to meet you. We're walking, Hayes.

Hey, I love you. I love you, too.

Hey, Will, man, Happy New Year. Hey, yeah, you, too.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hi.

Hey. How do you accidentally...

Hey. Gareth Henderson. You're Gareth.

Hi, Emily! Hi, Emily!

Hi, Olivia. Hi, Will.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. What? Hi.

His book on the McGovern campaign is... Yeah.

How'd it go? Man, it went great! Great.

How's Emily? Emily.

How's it going? Still got a lot to do.

How's the Professor? The Professor is wonderful.

I called you. I know.

I can't believe it, either. That leaves April. Maybe Summer.

I can't. It's your diary, so I can't do that. No, really, really. I just, I don't need it.

I do. He's gonna do what's already inevitable.

I don't know! Whatever else you do.

I forgot to tell you the happy ending. What is it?

I got divorced. I know.

I had lost your number. Of course.

I haven't. Well, then you shouldn't really judge.

I just don't know if she's my mom. Why not?

I kept the book... Yeah?

I know you will. You go here.

I know. I really thought

I mean, tears are rolling down my cheeks... Of course you start crying.

I ran up the stairs. Okay.

I read a page. A page.

I read the Robredo piece. Yeah.

I really want you to. I'll make it.

I should go to "life rehab"? Yeah.

I think we can, at least, manage that. I think we could.

I think you should go, Will. April?

I told you I was dating someone. Dating someone.

I took the red eye! That's incredible!

I walked away, Will! From Paco! Good move.

I want you to meet her. Summer Hartley?

I was, wasn't I? No.

I'd be honored. Lennon and McCartney.

I'd get your men off that truck and in this... Gareth!

I'd vote for him again. In a heartbeat.

I'll call Klein's agent. Great.

I'll have another, please. Pleasure.

I'll write you a letter! Yeah, can't wait.

I'm a William. Don't interrupt.

I'm an incredibly needy person. I'm not saying that.

I'm not apathetic. Yes, you are.

I'm not getting down on my knee. Such a mistake. Okay.

I'm pregnant. You're what?

I'm really sorry. Yeah. That's fine.

I'm sorry? Give us a song.

I'm still working on it. I don't know. Oh, you should work on it with me.

I've Got A Crush On You. Every one of them.

Is that so? Tell me how it happened.

Is that why you and Kevin never... Oh, God, Kevin. No. Kevin...

It is! Summer.

it was so unexpected. Here we are, sir.

It's a diary. Sweet Jesus. Let me see.

It's a long story. Really?

It's all about power and money. I've read every single one of your books,

It's amazing how you do that. What?

It's complicated, Maya. Everything with you is so complicated.

It's good to see you. You, too.

It's great to see you. Yeah. You look...

It's not stupid. Thanks. Hobby.

It's really, actually, impressive. I'm amazed. I didn't mean to do that.

It's weird. Your tongue tastes different. What?

Jesus. I'm kidding.

Just stand up, Will. Stop. ...with absolute clarity.

Just to get some air? Yeah, you could see New York.

Kevin. Kevin.

Let's think about this. I'm not afraid of this.

Look at that. Look at that.

Maya? Okay.

Maya. I need to know!

Me, too. Still live in the same loft? Living in Brooklyn.

Migratory. Migratory.

Mom! Mom! Hey!

Mr. Roth has had an aortal rupture. What does that mean exactly?

My God. I mean, look at his record in Arkansas.

My shit is together. Your shit is a mess.

Nice? Yeah, he can handle himself. Sure, I can handle myself.

No kidding. Anybody see Hayes?

No one walks away from Paco! I like the story.

No politics! Maybe he should be impeached.

No, it's true. You know what? Will...

No, you didn't. I did. I so did.

No. No, don't tell me!

No. No?

No. No.

No. Oh, my God.

No. Yes.

Not like this. Like what?

Oh, God. There he is!

Oh, no, go ahead, go ahead. Sorry.

Oh, sorry. No, go. What?

Oh, Will. Yeah.

Oh! That part, yeah. Incredibly descriptive. I felt like I was there.

Oil and water. Sandpaper and bare ass.

Okay, bye. Bye.

Okay, Hayes. Okay.

Okay, okay. We can't worry about that right now.

Okay, or don't. You know, yeah. Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

Okay, that's where you're wrong. Don't make me staple your head!

Opportunist? Double crossing... Uh uh.

Or Emily, for that matter. Well.

Penis! Penis. Okay. All right, that's enough.

Please, sit. Congratulations. Thanks. Thanks.

Pretty sure we both had that plan. I just can't keep pretending

Princess pillow? Thank you.

Real man. Exactly.

Really? Can you believe it?

Really? Really.

Really? Really.

Really? Yeah.

Really? Yeah. It's gonna be great.

Right. Thanks, John.

Sam Knowles. Okay.

School? Yeah.

See, you did it again. Really?

Sex? Yes.

Shake on it? Okay. Let's do that. All right.

She started grad school at NYU. Great. Wow.

She tells me you're dating a sophomore. No. Actually, it's two freshmen,

Sir. ...a mortgage.

Sit down! Okay.

So let's just skip all that, why don't we? Okay.

So those are healthy cigarettes. Something like that.

Somebody had too much to drink. No, I didn't.

Sounds like a great mom. She is a great mom.

Speak of the devil. Better go. Yeah. Hmm.

Stop. What?

Summer. Will.

Sweetie, that's so kind. No, no, not that.

Table's ready. Okay. Thanks.

Take your time. I will.

Taxi! Taxi!

Thanks for telling me the story. You're welcome.

Thanks. You're welcome.

That has nothing to do with this. Nothing to do with it.

that I want to be part of it anymore. You were there

That is weird. It's not bad. It's just different.

That might be a better idea. No.

That's a nice tie. Well, you'd know.

That's gross. That's just gross. You'd be the ass.

That's not true. ...incredible dreams that you have.

That's the thing. What I don't understand,

The plan. Remember that? Yes, the plan.

These? Yeah, both of those.

they want anymore? The best way?

They were good together. Yeah, while it lasted,

This guy... Everything's gonna be fine.

This has been fun. Yeah. Bye, toilet paper guy.

This is great. Thanks.

This just came for you. Thanks.

To Bill and his weaknesses. Yes.

To Bill. To Bill.

Told you he wouldn't be long. Hi! I wanted to surprise you!

Twenty nine. Twenty nine.

Two pages at the most. Two?

Wait, wait, wait. I have no reason to be afraid.

Was I an accident? No.

We will go home and talk about this. I hate you, I hate you!

We'll see how this goes, okay? Gareth.

Well, who else would it be? Nobody.

Well, who is it? Not telling.

What about Mom? Well, I started dating again.

What are you talking about? Do you?

What do you do? What do I do?

What do you get, Hampton? Yeah.

What if Charlie's right? Charlie's never right.

What, is that gonna matter to her? Yeah, it does. Hi.

What? A threesome.

What? Thank you. I'm really happy right now.

What? What are you talking about? Why are you jumping down her throat?

What's he doing here? Hello, Hampton.

When I'm old enough. Yep.

when we made it. And I didn't know how to tell you.

Where are you? I'm close by.

Where is he? Where's Will? I don't know. I was just talking to him.

Where's Kelly? She's right over there.

Who am I speaking with? Why don't we meet, and you'll find out?

Why are you in New York? I live here.

Why didn't you ever tell me? Come on.

Why not? I put my faith in him. We all did. You love him.

Why? A whole bunch of these.

Why? Okay.

Wow. Wow.

Wow. This is pretty good. Will, this is really good.

Yeah, I'm about done. Yeah, me, too.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I just fell asleep.

Yeah! It was a total disaster. At least it got them reading.

Yeah! Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah? I'm hating you already.

Yeah. All right.

Yeah. Hey!

Yeah. I don't even know I'm doing it.

Yeah. Oh.

Yep, nice to meet you. Yeah, it was great meeting you, too.

Yep. Ready, steady, go.

Yes. Thank you.

You already wrote it. Yeah.

You are? Yes.

You bet. Okay.

You have a favorite? Yes.

You heard? I read about it in The Times.

You know what's really cool? I don't.

You know, one of those. Well, I'll tell you what.

You know, we will go home and talk... You do, don't you?

You look... You look...

You must be Maya. You must be April.

You must be Will. Hi.

You must miss him. I do, yeah.

You should know that. What is this?

You slept with my roommate. Oh!

You wanna bet? Sure.

You want a drink? I'm sorry.

You want me to sing you a song? Why not?

You... Yeah. We do.

You're horny. You might be right.

...14, 15, 16, 17... ...14, 15, 16, 17...

...25, 26, 27... ...25, 26, 27...

...because it was the only thing that I had left of you.

...four, five, six... ...four, five, six...

...I knew... Put that back in your pocket.

...which he doesn't notice 'cause, of course, his hands are all over my body,

...you know, you could be a prime candidate for that.

...you realized Mom was the only one for you!

'cause I gotta tell you, I've always had a thing for you...

'Cause I've got a crush, my baby, on...

'Cause if we stay together, Will, we're gonna be miserable.

'cause in a flash

'cause of their migraine patterns.

'Cause there was a time when all I did

"... infantilized by a youth obsessed media..."

"'Whose charms were broken if revealed'

"All I have to do is kiss her."

"And 'syntax' isn't what Nevada brothels pay the IRS."

"and as we reach the stairs, I grab Emily firmly by her wrist.

"and begin their treacherous journey towards the fallopian tubes!

"and make a family, and that's how we made you."

"and we decided to take all that love

"be a happy man.

"But we didn't do it."

"Candidate Brought Down by Speechwriter's Girlfriend."

"Emily and I are the last to leave,

"From your loving father."

"I could run away right now with Caroline Hopper,

"isn't a big woodpecker or some freshwater fish.

"It's our last night, and the plan has been in place for days.

"It's the tongue in our heads!

"Like."

"Listen to the truncated bastard language of today.

"Listen to your kids if you can."

"Love" on the other hand...

"One hundred million are wiped out instantly..."

"Robredo's chief speech writer, is both intense and boyishly handsome."

"She looks up at me expectantly and I know what will happen next."

"Some of us are bold. My new friend

"The average vocabulary is a third of what it was 100 years ago.

"The evenings are hot and sticky.

"The landscape of vocabulary is being hacked down

"The most endangered species in our nation

"This is him. This is the one."

"To my darling daughter, April. 'The human heart has hidden treasures

"We are all half dressed, pretending we can't be seen by the boys.

"whose clothes you wanna rip from his very body,"

"William Hayes has seductive eyes and the intriguing looks of someone

"William Hayes,

"With love and hopes and dreams of second chances. Alice."

"Words fall out of our mouths and die at our feet!