Happy Gilmore (1996) Edit

A colorful, emotional, working class hero.

A guy who can drive the ball that far... he could really draw a crowd.

A guy your size... why not play a real sport, like football?

A kiss for luck and we're on our way

A large and economically diverse crowd here at the Michelob Invitational.

After I graduated, I had a lot of different jobs.

After my dad died, I developed a short fuse.

After one day, Shooter McGavin is leading.

After the funeral, I was sent to live with my grandma in Waterbury.

Aim for a spot six inches in front of the hole. Line up with that.

All right, all right.

All right, cool.

All right, Grandma.

All right!

All right.

All right.

All you ever talk about is being a pro hockey player, but you're not any good.

All you have to do is tap it in. Just tap it in.

Almost nine o'clock.

And any more of this...

And my right arm is a bit longer than my left.

And over and again

And Shooter can't believe it!

And slanting left.

And the guy who comes in last?

And you have to pretend you like it.

And, by God, he's going to win.

And, Happy... dress nice, huh?

Another tournament here in Dallas, and Shooter McGavin wins again.

Anyone else's fingers hurt?

Anyone I get close to, dies. If I were you, I'd run.

Anyone tapped the keg yet? I'll pump. I'm Happy Gilmore.

Anyway, those jobs weren't for me.

Are you okay?

As long as I don't place last the next two times...

At least I didn't punch anyone.

At least ten times.

At the end of day three, Happy Gilmore has the lead.

Back in 1965...

Beat it, McGavin.

Bend your knees. Remember, it's in the hips. You're doing great.

Best of luck, kid. Best of luck.

Bet you I can hit a ball past that tree.

Better.

Bidding will start at $100,000. Do I hear 100?

Bring him to the airport.

Bring it on.

Buddy, do me a favor. You see that lady?

But all I ever wanted to be was a hockey player.

But golf has been waiting for a player like this.

But I tore one of that bastard's eyes out. Look at that.

But if you beat him up, I'll have to explain to the papers...

But if you miss...

But in the minds of the spectators, there are only two.

But it was in my grandmother's handwriting.

But not that great. A lot of that was luck.

But not that great. A lot of that was luck.

But one day my boss, Mr. Larson, got in the way.

But she's an old lady. Look at her. She's old.

But that didn't keep my dad from teaching me...

But the big surprise is young Happy Gilmore...

But there was a guy out there...

But you're in trouble. I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.

But you've made a lot of money. You could buy her a nice condo.

By developing the rest of your game...

Bye.

Calm down or you'll get kicked off the Tour.

Can we get a little time here?

Can't learn that on a hockey rink.

Check out the name tag. You're in my world now, Grandma.

Choke on that, baby!

Chubbs, I know you'll help me here.

Chubbs.

Coach, what's going on? What about me?

Come on, that was funny.

Come on! I can't hear you!

Come with me, Happy. Come on!

Coming right up!

Congratulations, murderer. You killed a golf legend.

Congratulations.

Cool. That's a nice jacket.

Cut it out, kid. We're just doing our job.

Cut that out. You're making me sick.

Cut the golf sissy crap and finish up.

Dad took me to games to see our favorite player...

Damn alligator just popped up! Cut me down in my prime.

Damn it, I hate that Bob Barker.

Damn it!

Damn you people! This is golf, not a rock concert!

Did he really make a 450 yard ace?

Did you call me a freak?

Diet.

Do I get a drop?

Do what you like. What do I know? I'm just a doctor.

Do you always carry a puck?

Doing the bull dance. Feeling the flow. Working it.

Don't be a fool! People would kill to hit the long ball like you.

Don't be alarmed, Mr. Gilmore.

Don't be an asshole. Give me six months. I'll work with you every day.

Don't break the wrist.

Don't get excited. I've been here before.

Don't join the Pro Tour yet.

Don't push me, Bob. Now's not the time.

Don't tell anyone. I'm kind of embarrassed.

Don't turn your back on me. Listen, this is Shooter's tour.

Don't worry about it.

Don't worry about your grandma. She can live with me... be my maid.

Don't worry, sweetheart. The house isn't important. It's just a house.

Don't worry. I won't tell anyone.

Don't worry. It's made of wood... real sturdy.

Don't worry. You're doing fine.

Don't!!!

Donald, it's Shooter.

Doug!

Draft a press release stating Gilmore is being thrown off the Tour.

Easy with those clubs. They're antiques.

Enough, Shooter.

Face it, Happy. You are a golfer.

Feel the flow, Happy. It's circular.

Fifty bucks I can hit it over the highway.

Fine. I quit.

Fine. Thank you.

Fined you $25,000 and suspended you for one month.

First my dad and now Chubbs.

Fit you okay?

Five iron, huh? You're fired. Bye bye.

For Happy Gilmore, anything.

Forget about Shooter. He's just threatened by you.

Forget him. I just want you to be happy, darling.

Forget it. I have to finish.

Forget it. I'll pick up the rest as I go.

Four shots.

Fu..., sh..., fu..., ass...

Gary Potter. Great to have you on the Tour.

Get a blanket and suntan lotion, 'cause you'll never get off that beach.

Get me out of here!!!

Get out of the way.

Get that gold jacket I never got.

Get the little twisty knobs.

Get this off of me! Mister!

Gilmore.

Give me a beer, pal.

Give me my ball! Give it here! Cough it up, you dirty bastard!

Give me...

Go there and all your anger will disappear.

Go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

Go wait in the car, Grandma.

God, that hurt, but I'm okay.

God!

Gold jacket, green jacket... who cares?

Golf is no different... requires talent, self discipline.

Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass.

Good bye, darling.

Good doing business with you.

Good luck.

Good luck.

Good luck.

Good morning, everyone.

Good morning!

Good news... arts and crafts time is extended 4 hours.

Good news... I made the Professional Golfers' Tour.

Good one. He's funny. I'll have mine in three months.

Good plan.

Good shot.

Good! Get the hell out of my life! Who needs you? Beat it!

Good. I'm a hockey player.

Good. Now we just worry about putting.

Good. We'll get it cheaper than we thought.

Grandma is quite a quilter.

Grandma wants me to be happy.

Grandma, Grandma...

Grandma, I came in 9th place. I won $35,000.

Grandma, you could come live with me.

Grandma, you didn't pay your taxes?

Grandma.

Great. I got to run.

Great. Now I have a tower blocking my ball.

Grizzly Adams did have a beard.

Handsome fellow, huh? He said when I grew up, I could be anything.

Happy Gilmore

HAPPY GILMORE

Happy Gilmore accomplished that feat no more than an hour ago.

Happy Gilmore answers back with a birdie.

Happy Gilmore approaches the tee in the 72nd annual Cleveland Classic.

Happy Gilmore from nine feet.

Happy Gilmore leads the pack.

Happy Gilmore, come on down!

Happy Gilmore! Drive it 400 yards!

Happy Gilmore.

Happy is really on today.

Happy learned how to putt. Uh oh.

Happy place.

Happy place.

Happy with a long eagle opportunity.

Happy, concentrate.

Happy, I'm so glad to see you.

Happy, look out!

Happy, shut your trap.

Happy, shut your trap.

Happy, the ball has its own energy or life force, if you will.

Happy, the gold jacket's yours. Shooter will choke.

Happy, you look upset. What's wrong?

Happy...

Happy... Rules!

Happy's on the 18th green, where a car driven by a crazed fan...

Harness energy, block bad.

Harness in the good energy, block out the bad.

Have a nice afternoon.

He and Bob Barker are now dead last.

He got a hole in one on a par four.

He got in a few lucky punches, but I feel I won the fight.

He got one. Give me one of them big ones, I don't care.

He has a lot of intensity.

He has to focus now. He has to save this one for par.

He hates me.

He is now tied with Happy Gilmore!

He spends more time in the sand than David Hasselhoff.

He stole my jacket!

He wasn't a big guy, but he feared nobody, just like me.

He's a disgrace to the game!

He's bringing in some big crowds.

He's going to be on the Tour. Super.

He's going to play.

He's just trying to make some money. Leave him alone.

He's laughing, having fun.

He's on the 17th green right now, having trouble closing out his day.

He's right. I don't belong in golf. I'm a hockey player.

He's right. Take your shot, Mr. Gilmore.

Hell, no. An alligator bit my hand off.

Hello, Happy. I'm Bob Barker.

Hello. I'm Verne Lundquist, with Jack Beard.

Hello. I'm Verne Lundquist, with Jack Beard.

Here comes the putter throw.

Here today are elite golfers from around the world.

Here, eat that! Leave us alone!

Here.

Here's my last buck.

Here's to Chubbs, wherever he is.

Here's your pinky.

Hey, Gilmore?

Hey, Happy.

Hey, Happy...

Hey, Shooter, you forgot your nine iron.

Hey, thanks for dressing up.

Hey, um...

Hey, who's that?

Hey, you don't want breakfast?

Hi, Grandma.

His crowd seems unusually small for this type of moment.

Hit it around the tower, sink your putt and we'll go to sudden death.

Hit the ball. There's no goalie anywhere to block it.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Holy shit.

How am I going to play today?

How can I chip with that going on?

How can I do that?

How often do you play?

How would I do that?

I already ate.

I am a bit bummed. I thought we got money for this.

I am good! You know what? You're a lousy kindergarten teacher!

I appreciate that.

I beg to differ.

I believe that's Mr. Gilmore's.

I bet your neighbor can't drive the ball 400 yards.

I bet your neighbor doesn't have a shot to get on the Pro Tour.

I called it first.

I can do that.

I can take extra special care of that young lady for nothing.

I can't accept that. But this is what I can do.

I could make things out of clay and lay by the bay.

I did this to get Grandma's house back. Now I can. No regrets.

I didn't break it. I was testing its durability.

I didn't see him play. I was too busy winning.

I didn't see that. Did it go in? I wasn't watching.

I didn't think so.

I don't have any checks.

I don't know why I'm winning.

I don't want to do that.

I don't want to talk about it. I failed, okay?

I feel a lot of solid energy coming out of you. Good positive aura.

I got a hockey record.

I got a letter back from Brooke two weeks later.

I got his head.

I got it!

I got my hand back, see?

I got something for you, too.

I got something special for you.

I guess that alligator finally finished the job.

I had the biggest crush on Brooke Shields.

I hate that clown.

I have some good interior design ideas for Grandma's house.

I have three fifty. Seventy five anywhere?

I haven't skated since I was a little kid.

I heard about the ace you had on a par four. Impressive.

I hit it off Frankenstein's fat foot. Those are the rules.

I hope he wins. He's a publicist's dream.

I hope you brought your bathing suit.

I just met you.

I just want to make some money.

I just yell 'cause I get so scared.

I knew Happy Gilmore was tough...

I knew the guy working there, so we got extra meatballs.

I know he's a little rough. Let me work with him.

I know that and I'm sorry.

I know we had our problems, but I'm proud of you.

I know what you're doing right now...

I know. Keep it down.

I love it. He looks so handsome. And it makes me hungry.

I love what he's doing for golf.

I love you, Grandma. Bye.

I love you, too, darling.

I love you. I love you.

I meant at golf.

I promise.

I put it in the woods because it's made of wood...

I said I saw it.

I saw that hole in one on a par four. That must be a record.

I saw the finger paintings you bring home... they suck!

I stink. I'm not going to win.

I think you've had enough.

I thought we were friends.

I thought you liked it here.

I thought you were pro material, primed for the big bucks.

I tried to stab someone with my skate. Nobody else ever did that.

I want mine now.

I want to kiss you all over

I want to kiss you all over

I want to see it by 6:00 P.M.

I want you to take extra special care of her.

I was a road worker...

I was looking for the other half of this bottle.

I was nervous, since I didn't know her that well.

I was on this tour for one reason... money.

I was put on this planet for one reason... to play hockey.

I was wrong, you were right.

I wasn't allowed to play pro anymore.

I wasn't really the greatest skater.

I wasn't watching. I saw it go up. Did it go back in?

I will get you, Shooter!

I will not tolerate this behavior. Gilmore is gone.

I will work on what you call behaving. But I won't act like a stiff.

I will, dear. Don't worry.

I worked hard, paid my dues... now it's Shooter's turn.

I would have, but I didn't have any money.

I wouldn't burden you like that and that's final.

I'd like to see you try.

I'd love to punch that guy in the face, but I'd get in trouble.

I'll be right down!

I'll bring furniture from my place. We'll be okay.

I'll do my best.

I'll get it.

I'll give it all to you

I'll give you the old smoochy smoo kissy wissy.

I'll just do my best.

I'll make you a bet.

I'll rip it out of you!

I'm a good shot with a nail gun.

I'm a hockey player playing golf today.

I'm aware of that. Thank you.

I'm close to getting her house back.

I'm dedicating my performance at the Tour Championship to Chubbs' memory.

I'm glad to see you, too.

I'm gone.

I'm not spending the rest of my life with a loser.

I'm not taking her stuff, the government is.

I'm out of here.

I'm out of here. I hear the Asteroids machine calling my name. Peace.

I'm really proud of you.

I'm sorry, Shooter.

I'm sorry. Because you're black?

I'm sorry. Here.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.

I'm sorry. I have no discretion. Her stuff is now our stuff.

I'm stupid, you're smart.

I'm the club pro here... Chubbs Peterson.

I'm turning it into my trophy room.

I'm Virginia Venit, Director of Public Relations for the Tour.

I've never seen anyone...

If Gilmore sinks this, it will cap an amazing comeback.

If he cleans up, he can stay.

If he doesn't, it's your ass.

If he has a chance...

If he misses, Happy can two putt to victory.

If he wants to stay in this thing...

If I beat you, I get the house. You beat me, I'll quit.

If I can beat those other guys... we'll get the house back.

If I don't win more prize money, they'll sell it to someone else.

If I wore clothes like those, I'd have to kick my own ass.

If not for you, none of this would have happened...

If Shooter doesn't get out of the funk he's in...

If you can't repay the money in 90 days, we sell the house to someone else.

If you're free, join us at 9:00 on the ninth green.

In a Pro Am, each golfer plays with a celebrity.

In the event of a tie, there will be a play off.

In the meantime, just stay here and have some fun.

Instead of asking for it back, I hit him in the head repeatedly...

Instead of hitting you, he hits Bob Barker.

Is he kidding?

Is it always like this... TV cameras, people and stuff?

Is that funny? I don't hear you laughing now!

Is that Gilmore again? How many times has he tried out?

Is that good?

Is this a changing of the guard? We'll know in 18 short holes.

Is this your ball?

Isn't this great? Blue skies, fresh cut grass, birds chirping.

It ain't over yet, McGavin. The way I see it, we've only just begun.

It happens. Let's play some golf.

It just may not be big enough.

It reminds me of my grandmother.

It struck my foot.

It that goal regulation size or what?!

It was good to meet you, but, uh...

It would appear so.

It's about time.

It's all in the hips.

It's all in the hips. All in the hips.

It's exciting. We're auctioning off your grandmother's house.

It's good to see you again.

It's good!

It's in the hips.

It's just that it's rainy and that guy... It just slipped.

It's like a carousel.

It's not like I'm taking her stuff over to my place.

It's over. My grandmother will never see her house again.

It's the final day of the Tour Championship...

It's the putter I used when I played... slightly modified, of course.

It's the tour sensation, Happy Gilmore...

It's time to go home, ball.

It's wide open. All you have to do is tap it in.

Its natural environment is in the hole.

Jackass!

Jackass!

Jackass.

Just behave, okay?

Just easing the tension. Just easing the tension.

Just hit your ball, if you can find it.

Just line up the putt. Don't even look at the hole.

Just remember what Chubbs said.

Just remember what he taught you.

Just stay out of my way. Or you'll pay. Listen to what I say.

Just tap it in.

Just tap it in. Just tap it in. Give it a little tappy.

Just the way you never got into the NHL, you jackass!

Ladies and gentlemen, Shooter McGavin.

Ladies and gentlemen, the 18th hole is a par three, 160 yards.

Lately, I've been working construction. It's not bad.

Let me guess... the ninth green at nine trick.

Let me just enjoy the one thing that makes me a bit happy...

Let me show you how we do it in the pros.

Let me through... I'm looking for my ball.

Let the kid fix it for you.

Let's get something at the Red Lobster. My treat.

Let's go get your house back.

Let's hope it doesn't affect his game.

Let's just play some golf.

Let's make a little noise here.

Like that, baby?

Listen, I will get that $270,000 and get your house back.

Look at all these people. What's going on, Happy?

Look at the cabbage he's in now.

Look at this place.

Look at this stupid thing.

Looks like everyone's having fun here.

Man, this is excellent.

Marty, shut up and I'll tell you.

Maybe I'll put a hockey guy on instead.

Maybe not. Two seventy five!

Maybe she can have both. Hey, Shooter.

Mister, you need a helmet.

Mister!

Mister! Mister!

Morons, I told you I want to watch the hockey game.

Most of the time, I was quick to say I was sorry.

Most people are over watching Happy Gilmore.

Mr. Gilmore, I'm your caddy.

Mr. Gilmore, Mr. Lafferty is teeing off now.

Mr. Gilmore, you have the honors.

Mr. Gilmore, you're up.

Mr. Gilmore! Toidy's to the right, dear.

Mrs. Gilmore owes the IRS $270,000 in back taxes.

Must be something in the water. Well, time to play golf.

My childhood was going great, but life is full of surprises.

My dad worshipped hockey. My mom didn't.

My endless love

My fingers hurt.

My fingers hurt.

My girlfriend's dead. She fell off a cliff and died on impact.

My grandfather built this house with his bare hands.

My grandfather didn't build any condos with his bare hands.

My grandma told me I should write her a letter, so I did.

My grandma's been here over 60 years. You can't take her house.

My grandmother's house got repossessed.

My love, my love, my love

My name is Happy Gilmore.

Nah, I'll just beat him now.

Name?

Nap time... that sounds nice.

Next to tee off, Happy Gilmore.

Next up: Lafferty, Daniel and Gilmore... Happy.

Nice grass, nice people.

Nice jacket.

Nice shot! Fifteen feet short of the hole.

Nice to meet you.

Nick Faldo and I won last year. I'd like to win this year.

No matter what, I'm having fun.

No swearing, no throwing clubs...

No way. Happy, come here.

No, forget it.

No, he has to hit it now. "Play it as it lies."

No, I don't.

No, I got to go. I appreciate everything. Wish me luck.

No, thanks. I don't date golfers.

No, thanks. Not hungry.

No, you didn't.

No, you think that 'cause you only got one shoe on.

No!

No.

No.

No.

Nonsense, dear. You're a grown man.

Norman spends more time in the sand than David Hasselhoff.

Not a strong skater, though.

Not if I have anything to do with it.

Now how do you feel?

Now I got a new one... kicking your ass.

Now putt.

Now you'll really be mad. I'm taking the house, too.

Now you'll really be mad. I'm taking the house, too.

Now you're gonna get it, Bobby!

Now you've had enough.

Now, if you get that puck in the net over there...

Now, you make this one in four or less shots...

Number one...

Of course. I've heard you've done some really interesting things.

Oh, dear.

Oh, I do.

Oh, man.

Oh, miss?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, really? Where's yours?

Oh, relax.

Oh, sure.

Oh, thank God! I can't stand to live in this place another minute!

Oh, there's some of it right there.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah? What's that?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Putting.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Oh, you got a hold of that one!

Oh? I hear you broke a rake and threw it in the woods.

Okay, as long as you're willing to admit that. Now...

Okay, everyone. Turn up your volumes. Announcement.

Okay, let's go.

Okay, we'll go on a date. But just as friends.

Okay.

Okay. Fine. But he's your responsibility.

Okay. Good luck, buddy.

Okay. Six inches.

Okay. Well, great. Thanks. Nice to meet you.

On the 18th green, Shooter McGavin putts for the win.

On the Pro Tour, you provide your own.

One has to be impressed with the vast improvement in his short game.

One more time. Double or nothing.

Only the biggest tournament of the year.

Oops. Maybe we should get back inside.

Open it.

Pardon me, but it's nap time.

Perfect.

Playing like he really wants that jacket.

Please don't go.

Plenty more where that came from!

Probably the best I'll hit all day.

Psycho.

Psycho.

Public relations lady, you seen Shooter McGavin?

Put that down! It's my grandmother's!

Put that on my tab.

Putz!

Quit, and the house is yours.

Really?

Really?

Really? I'm sorry to hear that.

Relax, Bob.

Relax. Do what we discussed. Don't look at the green.

Remember the 'gator that got your hand?

Remember what I said.

Remember, it's all in the hip. Come on. Work with me.

Remember, this isn't hockey.

Right now I'm working on a promotion...

Right.

Right. And Grizzly Adams had a beard.

Scared of being a nobody.

Send him home.

Send him home. I'll send him home.

She got hit by a car. She's dead.

She took me to see this movie.

She's stuck in a nursing home. The IRS repossessed her house.

She's very important to me.

Shit.

Shit.

Shooter needs this to put pressure on Happy.

Shooter now has a commanding lead.

Shooter won't let his reign at the top be spoiled by some freak.

Shooter! It's great to hear from you!

Shooter! Shooter!

Shooter.

Shooter's ball is in the woods.

Shut the hell up.

Shut up.

Silver Acres Rest Home. It looks more like a country club.

Sir, could I trouble you for a glass of warm milk? It helps put me to sleep.

Sit tight. I'll be right over.

Slow down. I don't want to be more than friends.

So could a golfer with an arm growing out of his ass.

So long, sucker.

So no matter what, I'll get some money.

So she moved to Egypt, where there's not a hockey rink within 1500 miles.

So she moved to Egypt, where there's not a hockey rink within 1500 miles.

So we'll get the house back?

So you got in a fight with a game show host on national TV.

So you head butt Bob Barker? Who won that fight, anyway?

So you're a hockey player.

So, see you at the next tournament?

Some might call it luck. I like to call it...

Some other time.

Somebody's closer.

Son of a bitch ball! Why didn't you go home?!

Sorry, ladies. I'm not the golfing type.

Sorry.

Sorry. I'll carry these.

Step right up, folks!

Stop fraternizing with the help, Gilmore.

Stop! Stop!

Stupid golf clubs. Why the hell am I doing this?

Subway sandwiches will drive away your hunger.

Suck my white ass, ball!

Sure.

Take care of Grandma. I'll walk from here.

Talk about a hole in one.

Talk to my neighbor... a great golfer. Huge ass.

Tell me, how is that nice girlfriend of yours?

Terrific. The nail comes out next week.

Terry, wait!

Thank you, Doug. I saw Doug play yesterday.

Thank you, Shooter. Sit down.

Thank you, two.

Thank you. Now go get 'em!

Thanks a lot, Mr. Larson.

Thanks, Chubbs.

Thanks, man.

Thanks. Tell your friends.

That ain't doing it. Okay.

That bogey drops him out of the lead.

That commercial puts us up to $275,000.

That couldn't have gone better.

That guy is driving me crazy.

That Happy Gilmore is a real crack up. He's a hoot!

That house is 400 yards away.

That is not entertainment.

That kid stole my party blower.

That makes one of us.

That orderly is nice. Don't you like him?

That son of a bitch!

That was great. I know you will kick his ass.

That was much easier than putting. I should try and do that every time.

That was not nice and easy.

That wasn't very nice!

That worm.

That's a tremendous trophy.

That's awful.

That's cute.

That's funny. Who am I really playing with?

That's got to hurt.

That's great.

That's kind of weird.

That's lovely.

That's lovely.

That's my jacket! It's mine!

That's nice of you to say, but I trained all my life to play hockey.

That's nice of you to say.

That's not possible, sir.

That's real good.

That's two so far, Shooter.

That's why I joined the Tour.

That's wonderful, Happy.

That's wonderful.

That's your home! Are you too good for your home?! Answer me!

The board has done the following:

The board thinks that might be extreme...

The club went further than the ball.

The golfers of the Tour Championship...

The green's that way.

The guy with the long drive.

The other guy is Shooter McGavin, leading money winner this year.

The price is $200 per quilt.

The price is wrong, bitch.

The real favorite is Portland. Every time I visit, it's harder to leave.

The rule says, "Play it as it lies."

The Tour Championship is next week.

Then I'll have to take care of this myself.

Then let's get to work.

Then, who knows? Maybe you'll win the Tour Championship.

There he is.

There is no shame in throwing in the towel.

There is no way you could have been as bad at hockey as you are at golf.

There must be another way to get the $50,000.

There you are.

There's nothing I can do.

They gave me a card that gives us free Subway for life.

They saw my power. They won't dog me this year.

They're auctioning it off.

They're deluged with calls from people who want to see Happy.

They're my grandfather's. They're pretty old.

Think of a place that's really perfect.

Think of it this way. The other team has pulled their goalie.

This call is about business. I need you here in the morning.

This guy sucks!

This is a biggie, pal. I got to make some real money.

This is embarrassing. I'm a professional golfer, for God's sake.

This is golf, okay? Excuse me. Thank you.

This is my first time.

This is not hockey, no matter how much you want it to be.

This is not real smart, kid.

This is pathetic.

This is the exciting part. Have fun.

This looks like the end for Happy Gilmore.

This man is destroying golf.

This song reminds me of seventh grade.

This will be hilarious. Look how he's standing.

Three fifty down front.

Till the night closes in

Time!

To live

Today, one of his fans mooned me. He had "HAPPY" written on his ass.

Tour kingpin Shooter McGavin...

Tournament in Florida. My ball went down by a lake.

True. I just couldn't get the ball in the hole. I wanted to, but I couldn't.

Twenty bucks says you can't.

Two seventy five. And three.

Use a five iron.

Use your shoulders to push the ball, not the arms.

Very good.

Virginia, just so you know, my jacket size is 44 long.

Wait! Hold on a second, babe.

Wait. He's restrained himself. Maybe this is a new Happy Gilmore.

Want to go to Sizzler and get some grub?

We are. I just have to go.

We got work to do before you go against professionals.

We haven't seen Gilmore play this badly since his first day on tour.

We mail them next week.

We should go on that date. I've been pretty good lately.

We'll get it moved and you'll finish tomorrow. Right, Doug?

We're playing together today.

We've only just begun

Welcome to soggy San Francisco...

Welcome to the Waterbury Open. Before we begin, I have a treat for you.

Well, at least we got the house.

Well, better luck next year.

Well, ease it on someone else.

Well, I'm not, Doug!!

Well, moron, good for Happy... Oh, my God!

Well, soon your back will hurt because you just got landscaping duty.

Well, this is handmade quality shit.

Well, well, well. Happy Gilmore is human after all.

What a shot by Happy Gilmore!

What a shot.

What an honor. Nice to meet you.

What are you doing, Happy... riding a bull? You're acting like a damn fool!

What are you talking about?

What do you mean by "behave"?

What do you say?

What do you think of Happy Gilmore?

What do you think she wants more... to get her house back or see you succeed?

What do you think?

What do you think? Slightly downhill?

What do you want for it?

What happened?

What should I do then?

What the hell are you doing?

What the hell is wrong with you?

What was that all about?

What? Friends listen to "Endless Love" in the dark.

What's driving me crazy is you not getting the ball in the hole.

What's going on here?

What's that?

When do you need them by? Okay.

Where are you taking her stuff?

Where were you that time, dipshit?

Where you going? I got Subway.

Where you taking those clubs, punk?!

Where's my check?

White lace and promises

Who are you waving at, Happy?

Who are you?

Who the hell is Happy Gilmore?

Whoa, you're confusing me. Just let me put the ball in the hole.

Whoop dee doo. Get out.

Why do you make me act like that, huh?

Why don't I go eat some hay?

Why don't you come back upstairs, honey?

Why don't you just watch me...

Why don't you send him home?

Why?

Wouldn't you know it? They've been paired together.

Wow, thanks a lot.

Wow.

Yeah, a lot of pressure. Rise above it.

Yeah, bring that shit on.

Yeah, good call.

Yeah, right, I'll see you there.

Yeah, that was my room.

Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I'll see you next week then.

Years later, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records...

Yes, but our ratings are up. We're attracting new, youthful sponsors.

Yes, it is.

You better look out.

You boys are going to pay for that...

You can buy it back.

You can count. Good for you.

You can enjoy your grandma's possessions for another half hour.

You can have fun.

You can tell me.

You can't blame yourself for this.

You can't just take her stuff. She's too old.

You could be a big star.

You could trouble me for a warm glass of shut the hell up.

You don't know who I am, do you?

You don't play with raw emotion. You can't putt angry.

You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?

You get on the horse. It goes up, down and around.

You get one if you win the Tour Championship.

You get this on "Let's Make A Deal"?

You going to recite me a poem? Geez, you love this golf stuff.

You got an advantage over any other golfer.

You got the spirit of a hockey player in you, so I figured... why fight it?

You got to give that up and concentrate on golf.

You hate me, don't you?

You have no serious injuries. Just keep off your feet for a few days.

You have one eye.

You heard about that?

You hit a ball past my ball...

You know Happy will make everything okay.

You know the bedroom next to the stairs?

You know what else is lovely?

You know what else is lovely?

You know what I mean?

You know what's pathetic? You've been playing golf all your life.

You like being the favorite?

You like that, old man?! You want a piece of me?

You like that?

You made a bet. Pay the man.

You must be careful with your health.

You must clear your mind of everything else and stay focused.

You off the Tour.

You played ice hockey?

You should be working at the snack bar, not playing golf.

You should get some sleep. Tomorrow's a big day.

You should play in the Waterbury Open tomorrow.

You suck, you jackass.

You sure crush the ball at the tee. You'd do well in a long drive contest.

You think so? Give me my wedge.

You think you're better than me?!

You took his hand.

You touch me, I burn the house down and piss on the ashes.

You want to beat him? Beat him on the course.

You were the talk of the tournament, Gilmore.

You will not make this putt, you jackass.

You win the Open tomorrow, you're on the Pro Tour.

You won't be around long enough to do that if you don't behave.

You'd make good money, traveling, hustling at driving ranges.

You're going to beat me? At golf?

You're going to make friends in no time.

You're gonna die, clown!

You're not going for good, are you?

You're on.

You're pretty sick, Chubbs.

You're right, but I need money.

You're right. It is.

You're right... his behavior is completely unacceptable.

You're starting to sound like a golfer.

You're still away.

You're the best, I'm the worst.

You're very good looking, I'm not attractive.

Your grandmother hasn't paid taxes in 10 years.

Your happy place.

Your happy place.

Your own happy place.

Are you okay? I'm fine.

Caddy's name? You haven't given me one yet.

Coming? You bet.

Did you see that? Yes. Nice.

How's Grandma? Super. It's arts and crafts time.

It was the first time I heard it. Drink up.

Kick him off the Tour. He hasn't broken any rules.

No. Why? I need to beat the piss out of him.

That can't happen. It can, and I don't want it to.

That's unbelievable. Beginner's luck.

They sold out. Already?

Well, I'm starting to come around. Everyone is.

What happens there? Secret of the pros.

What team do you play for? Easy.

What?! I got to play! What?! Kick him off the Tour.

When will you be back? Never.

Where are you going? To learn to play golf.

Why don't you put it down? I know.

You go. I love you.

You hit him! He shouldn't have been standing there.

You try it. It's not as easy as it looks.

You were great out there today. Thank you.

...a gas station attendant...

...a janitor...

...a security guard...

...all of you are now my friends.

...and a plumber.

...and bad boy Happy Gilmore, just off suspension.

...and especially no hitting other players.

...and he should be with his family.

...and he's gone.

...and I don't like it. So just shut your trap before I put my foot in it.

...and I was the only guy to ever try to stab someone with his skates.

...and is now even with Shooter McGavin.

...and it promises to be a classic.

...and make sure I don't do anything stupid?

...and number forty three. The rest of you...

...are ready to begin. There may be 63 professionals...

...are you ready to work and do what I tell you?

...better luck next year.

...can I have one of those?

...Cold Cut Combo. I eat three every day just to keep me strong.

...considering the fact that our ratings were...

...for the 22nd annual AT&T Invitational.

...giving me crap. It took all I had not to hit him.

...Grandma, Grandma.

...he has to calm down.

...he may miss out on the gold jacket.

...I didn't see it go in.

...Iíll never bother you again.

...meaty, turkey filled...

...most time spent in a penalty box...

...nice and easy.

...nipping at his heels, trailing by only one stroke.

...number nine...

...of winning today, he must do it on the green.

...rammed the TV tower.

...site of this year's Pepsi Pro Am.

...so I wanted to show my appreciation.

...Sports Illustrated said I would be the next Arnold Palmer.

...Terry O'Reilly, "The Tasmanian Devil".

...the secret of making a great slap shot.

...today's winner will be invited to join the Pro Tour.

...vying for the title of world's best...

...we'll finish work so you can watch your hockey game.

...we'll get the money in time.

...wearing one of those beer dispensing helmets.

...well, luck, I guess. So what?

...what kind of big bucks?

...who can hit the ball half as far as you. You got real talent.

...who's attracting all types to this course. I even saw one guy...

...why the new guy beat up Shooter McGavin. More work for me.

...with his huge drives and bizarre behavior.

...you have to give me a big, fat kiss.

...you want to get some food?

...you win the tournament.

...you'd be unstoppable.

"Go to a happy place."

"Go to a happy place."

"The Price Is Right", Happy.

$2,400.