Withnail & I (1987) Edit

A bit early in the morning for festivities, isn't it?

A cat and rain.

A man with three quarters of an inch of brain had taken a dislike to me.

A pair of quadruple whiskies and another pair of pints, please.

A poacher. We got into a tiff, and he threatened me with a dead fish.

A rejection of poisonous inhibition...

A sulfer stained, nicotine yellow and fly blown lung.

A what? Why wouldn't they see me?

According to these instructions,

Ace bets. Ace bets two and it's over to you.

Africa Corps. Little before your time.

Ah, Baudelaire.

Ah, I'm glad you're the proprietor.

Alas, I have little more than vintage wine and memories.

All hairdressers are in the employment of the government.

All right then, lovey. Let's get you to bed.

All right, get hold of it. You hold it down. I'll strangle it.

All right, I'll deal with this.

All right, this is the plan. We'll get in there and get wrecked.

All right, you can stay, but the gun doesn't.

All right, you made your point.

All right. All right.

All right. Give us a tanner, and I'll give him a bell.

All right. I'll walk with you through the park.

All right. We'll get the lunch done, and then we'll leave.

All the glorious trials of youth, dear boy.

Always full of women staring out of windows,

Am I not right? You don't deserve such loyalty.

An expert on bulls you are not!

And a complexion like the inside of a teapot.

And a fecund motion of the soul.

And all at once those frozen hours...

And as Presuming Ed here has so consistently pointed out...

And at night we'd find some barn and fall asleep,

And both bars on.

And breakfasts that 'set in,'

And cellotape this valve to the end of the old chap.

And discuss it sensibly in the street.

And for once, I'm inclined to believe that Withnail is right.

And get you fitted with some good quality rubber boots.

And give 'em a dose of unadulterated child's piss,

And go down to the Rolls for the rest of the wine?

And God fulfills Himself in many ways.

And got progressively more arse holed...

And have a word with him.

And have another look in that shed. Find anything.

And he's gonna do something about the car.

And here we are... we three...

And here we are... we three...

And how dare you tell him I love you.

And how dare you tell him you rejected me.

And I'm sitting in this bloody shack, and I can't cope with Withnail.

And I've got to get some sleep.

And if I spike you, you'll know you've been spoken to.

And in both our interests, I think we should sleep together tonight.

And is now prepared to step back into society and start tossing his orb about."

And it isn't his fault he cannot love you...

And liven all of you stiffs up a bit.

And never a job at the top of them.

And now I'm calling you one.

And procure some uncontaminated urine.

And seep out the pores.

And soon...

And that's precisely the reason I'm off to London.

And that's what's so essential, isn't it?

And that's why you mustn't hold back, let it ruin your youth as I nearly did over Eric.

And the Coalman looks at him and says,

And they have to give you your keys back.

And this one has a definite imbalance of hormone in him.

And transfer your talents to the meat.

And transmit them directly into the brain.

And we can boil this bastard over the fire.

And we got a plate full of carrots.

And we thought that you cleaning your boots...

And we want them here, and we want them now.

And you just sit in here drinking.

And you will be held responsible in law.

And... oh!

Another hand?

Any minute now, he's gonna rush out and get into his tights.

Any more than it's mine that I adore you.

Anyway, I loathe those Russian plays.

Apart from a raw potato, that's the only solid...

Are his clients and occasionally the police.

Are you out of your mind? Pull over. You haven't got a license.

Aren't you getting absurdly high?

As a matter of fact, I'm thinking of retiring and going into business.

As a youth, I used to weep in butcher shops.

Ask him if I exaggerate. He's threatened us, and he's dangerous.

At 2:00 in the morning? It's the killer.

At luncheon, you couldn't tear your gaze from mine.

At some point or another, I want to stop and get hold of a child.

Balls to Monty? I already spent an hour flattering the bugger.

Balls to Monty. We're getting out.

Balls! I'll swallow it and run a mile.

Bastards! You'll all suffer!

Bear right! Bear right! Bear right!

Beastly, ungrateful little swine!

Because a gang of cheeroot vendors considered a haircut beyond my abilities.

Because I don't advise it.

Because it wouldn't have helped if I hadn't.

Because it's crashing,

Before I became a journalist, I was in the Territorials.

Besides, there's nothing invented I couldn't take.

Boy.

Boy.

Brings back such memories of Oxford!

Brrr! Ah, good morning. Did you sleep well?

But he is.

But he told me you were in purgatory because he couldn't love you.

But he's a very low temperature spade, the Coalman.

But he's ashamed. He refuses to come out and accept what he is.

But he's up there with a leg in polythene.

But I only started to grow last summer.

But I really think I ought to be out there getting work done on the car.

But I'll come up after you, and I'll wake you up with a live one.

But I've got us a bottle open.

But it's nothing to do with me.

But not that tired, eh?

But old now... old.

But sooner or later, you gotta get out...

But surely you could forego for just this one occasion.

But there's a psychotic on the prowl outside this house.

But you must leave.

But, uh, keep it under your hat, hmm?

Buy the Wellingtons.

By some vulgar little tumor.

By the time the doors opened, he was arse holed on rum...

Bye.

Cake. What's it got to do with you?

Can't find the rosemary.

Can't, actually. I mean, I'd love to stay, but he's more adamant to get back than I am.

Chin chin.

Christ Almighty!

Christ, Withnail. You'll suffer for this.

Clearly a myth.

Coffee.

Come on, lads. Let's get home. The sky is beginning to bruise.

Come on, old boy. What's in your hump?

Come on. Let's pack up and get out of here before it gets dark.

Come up the drain pipe.

Cool your boots, man. This pill's valued at two quid.

Could I have a word with you, Monty?

Couldn't we allow ourselves just this one moment of indiscretion?

Cunt give him two years.

Danny? How did he get in?

Danny's a genius. I'm gonna have a doze.

Danny's here. Headhunter to his friends.

Dead down the drain? What have you done to them?

Dealt with 'em. What the fuck do you mean?

Do help yourselves to another drink.

Do you like to experience all facets of life?

Do you like vegetables?

Do you mean you've been up here in all this beastly mud and oomska without Wellingtons?

Do you think you could tell me where I could buy some coal and wood?

Do you write poems?

Does his dog get in the oven?

Doing what?

Don't be ridiculous. He's not gonna come up here in the dark.

Don't be ridiculous. I need at least an hour for lunch.

Don't get uptight with me, man.

Don't I? I damned well do.

Don't tell me you're not aware of it. I know what you're up to, and so do you.

Don't vent spleen on me! I'm in the same boat!

Don't you agree?

Dosed 'em. I expect they're dead down the drain.

Early night will do us both good.

Easy for you to say, lovey. You've had an audition.

Eat it? The fucker's alive.

Eat some cake, soak up the booze.

Eat some sugar.

Especially you, prancing like a tit.

Even a stopped clock gives the right time twice a day.

Even the wankers on the site wouldn't drink that. That's worse than meths.

Evidently, country people are no more receptive to strangers than city dwellers.

Except, of course, the problems tend to take the edge off the pleasure.

Excuse me. We were wondering if we could purchase a pheasant off of you?

Fat man, owns the cottage.

Find your neutral space. You've got a rush.

First thing we've got to do is get this fire alight.

Flowers are essentially tarts,

Followed by a left slow hander.

Followed by yet another anecdote about his sensitive crimes...

For Christ's sake, Withnail, stop laughing. This is a notice of eviction.

For God... Will you shut up, for God's sake? You're giving me the fear.

For reasons I can't really discuss with you...

Forgive me. It was inconsiderate of me not to have telegrammed.

Four floors up on the Charing Cross Road,

Four hours till opening time. God help us.

Fresh air, stuff like that.

From the H.E. Bates novel I'd read.

Garlic, rosemary and salt.

Geez. He'd come all this way.

Get any more masculine than him, you'd have to live up a tree.

Get hold of that map and look for a place called Crow Crag.

Get in the back of the van!

Get into the countryside, rejuvenate.

Get that damned little swine out of here!

Get theJag fixed up, spend a week in the country.

Give me a downer, Danny. My brain's capsizing.

Give me a Valium. I'm getting the fear!

Give me the keys. Get out of the way.

Given them all drugged onions.

Gladly.

Go with it. It's society's crime, not ours.

Goes into court in his caftan and a bell.

Good ol'Jake is back.

Good ol'Jake, eh? I told you. He's back.

Good ol'Jake.

Got a bit carried away. Sort of said it without thinking.

Got a randy bull up there. Give me one in the knee.

Got busted coming back through Heathrow.

Grab its ring! Keep your bag up!

Gray yellow sock.

Had a weight under his fez.

Hair are your aerials.

Have either of you got shoes?

Have we got any embrocation?

Have we got any more?

Have you been away?

Have you got any food?

Have you got soup? Why didn't I get any soup?

Have you got soup? Why didn't I get any soup?

Have you had any training in the martial arts?

Have you metJake?

Have you...

Having said that, I now intend to leave for London.

He ain't been here for a couple of years.

He can't. He'll go away.

He doesn't want anybody to know. We're both in it. We're obsessed with each other.

He keeps a sensational cellar.

He knows. Hey, give us a wheeze on that fag.

He lied to you. We're an affair.

He takes exception to this.

He told me about your problems,

He told me that first day you came to Chelsea.

He wants to come in. He's trying to get in.

He was a dreadful little Israelite.

He went to the other place, Monty.

He'll go for you. When he does, I'll jump on his back.

He's an expert.

He's building the prototype now.

He's come in because of this perpetual cold.

He's come to kill us. What are we gonna do?

He's coming through the window. He's getting in.

He's going away.

He's going away. He's leaving.

He's got a better chance of dealing with the other.

He's got our checks. What are you doing with these?

He's in. He's sharpening a fucking knife.

He's lying. Lying!

He's not in my room, all right? That's the condition, all right?

He's over there. Look. Here.

He's right, Withnail. Look at him.

He's so mauve. We don't know what he's planning.

Headhunter to everybody. He doesn't have any friends.

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Hello? How are you?

Hello? How dare you? Fuck you!

Help us out, Raymond.

Here on this fucking mountainside!

Here on this fucking mountainside!

Here. Get a couple more. I'm going for a slash.

Here. Get it with the pliers.

Hey, sarge, what's that clown doing?

Hey, show no fear. Just run at it.

His agent. He's wasting his time because he won't be in.

His head must weigh 50 pounds on its own.

His mechanism's gone. He's had more drugs than you've had hot dinners.

His name is Juan.

His name's Presuming Ed. His sister give him the idea.

Hmm, excuse me.

Hmm?

Hold on. Don't let your imagination run away with you.

Honestly, I've only had a few ales.

How about one of those pheasants? Go on, ask him.

How can I possibly know what we should do?

How come Monty owns such a horrible little shack?

How dare you tell him I'm a toilet trader!

How dare you! How dare you!

How much is it?

How you feel, your desires.

Hurry up, Mabs. We'll keep them here till they arrive.

I adore you.

I agree. It's more a question of selecting to whom one will be faithful.

I ain't got no birds, no more than you have.

I assure you, nothing, M Monty.

I brought two of these in case either of you was any good in the kitchen.

I called him a ponce,

I can never touch meat until it's cooked.

I can't cheat on him. It would kill him.

I can't take aspirins without a drink.

I can't, Withnail. I've gotta walk to the station. I'll be late.

I can't. Those dreadful, beady eyes. They stare you out.

I confiscated it from Monty's supplies.

I could bring you a chicken, but you'll have to go to the village.

I could bring you some logs up later. I've got the cows to feed first.

I could hardly piss straight with fear.

I could take double anything you could.

I couldn't drink it. I've got a cramp in the mouth from grinning.

I couldn't. I'm spaced.

I cracked the boards in my youth, but I never really had it in my blood.

I demand to have some booze!

I deny all accusations. What do you want?

I didn't call you inhumane. You merely imagined it. Calm down.

I dislike relatives in general, my own in particular.

I don't advise a haircut, man.

I don't care what he knows! Monty, you've gotta go! You've gotta leave!

I don't care where you come from!

I don't have the time.

I don't know what's in here.

I don't know. I don't know.

I don't suppose you've engaged, have you?

I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear anything.

I don't want to understudy anybody, especially that little pimp.

I fail to see my family as of any interest to you.

I feel as sick as a pike.

I feel dreadful. I feel really dreadful.

I feel like a pig shat in my head.

I feel unusual. I think we should go outside.

I got a bastard behind the eyes.

I had a punctured tire. I had to wait an eon for assistance.

I had to come. I tried not to.

I had to scrub them with essence of petunia.

I happen to be the proprietor.

I happen to think the cauliflower more beautiful than the rose.

I happened to be looking for a suit for the Coalman two weeks ago.

I have a heart condition. I have a heart condition.

I have absolutely no interest in yours.

I have it specially flown in from my man in Mexico.

I have no idea. I've never met him.

I have some extremely distressing news.

I haven't been up for a job in three months!

I heard a noise.

I invented it in Camberwell, and it looks like a carrot.

I knew you were a services man.

I know that, Monty.

I know where you are, at Crow Crag.

I know you're not asleep, boy.

I know you're not asleep, boy.

I let him in this morning. He lost one of his clogs.

I mean to have you, even if it must be burglary!

I mean, look at us! Nothing that reasonable members of society demand as their rights!

I mean, with no proper facilities.

I might come and see you lads in a week. I might fetch you up a rabbit.

I must be ill.

I must be out of my mind.

I must get in.

I must get out of here at once.

I must go home at once and discuss his problems in depth.

I must have some booze.

I never have wanted it... not with him in it!

I never thought it would be a polythene bag without a hole in it.

I often wonder where Norman is now.

I recommend you smoke some more grass.

I respect you for your sensitivity.

I say, you know what we should do?

I seen a fat man. London type. Queer sort.

I shall be swept away...

I shall miss you too. Chin chin.

I shall miss you, Withnail.

I suggest you both go outside...

I suppose happiness is relative.

I suppose...

I tell you, I can't take much more of this.

I tell you, I've a fuck sight more talent than half the rubbish that gets on television.

I thank you for it,

I think an evening at the Crow.

I think he means it.

I think he'd better sleep alone tonight.

I think I'll call myself Donald Twain.

I think the carrot infinitely more fascinating than the geranium.

I think there may be something alive.

I think there may be something alive.

I think we'd better release you from the lÈgumes...

I think we've been in here too long.

I think you've been punished enough.

I told him there's no question of payin' rent on a property cut with rodents.

I told you, you've been bitten!

I tried to get the fuel and wood.

I trust their shapes will not offend your palates.

I wanna be alone.

I wanna get to bed.

I want something's flesh!

I want something's flesh!

I want you to take one deep breath and fill this bag.

I was allowing memory to have the better of me.

I was dreaming. What do you want?

I was gonna cash 'em in for you.

I was gonna have to have a word with you anyway.

I will say one thing for Monty.

I wondered if you could sell us some food... eggs and things.

I would say...

I wouldn't dream of depriving the dear fellow of his bed, especially in that condition.

I'd be sucked into his trap. One of us has got to stay on guard.

I'd have taken great pleasure in gunning this pullet down.

I'll be sprouting bloody feelers soon.

I'll deal with the water and other plumbing.

I'll murder the pair of yous!

I'll put one of these here black pods on you.

I'll say good night, then, Monty.

I'll see you over there in half an hour.

I'll show the lot of you!

I'll sleep here.

I'll take the bastard axe to him!

I'm 30 in a month, and I've got a sole flapping off my shoe.

I'm a friend of Montague Withnail's. He's lent us his cottage.

I'm a trained actor reduced to the status of a bum!

I'm afraid I can't offer you gentlemen anything.

I'm afraid we must drink from these.

I'm going for a cup of tea. Do you want one?

I'm going to buy some razors and shaving soap.

I'm gonna be a star!

I'm gonna eat some sugar.

I'm gonna have to sit down.

I'm in considerable danger in here.

I'm in the middle of a bloody overdose.

I'm just trying to establish you in some sort of context he'd understand.

I'm not from London, you know.

I'm not having this shag sack insulting me.

I'm so uptight with him, I can't stop myself.

I'm sorry if I frightened you. I should have knocked, but...

I'm sure he wouldn't resent us a parting drink.

I'm sure together we could persuade him.

I'm terribly tired. I need to go to bed.

I'm told you're a writer too.

I'm trying to drive this thing as quietly as possible.

I'm warning you, if you do, you're fired.

I've already put two shilling pieces in.

I've always been fond of root crops,

I've been into his room.

I've been watching you all evening.

I've been watching you.

I've come a very long way to see you both.

I've come in here with the express intention of wishing one on you.

I've got a blinding fucking headache.

I've looked into it. Listen to me! Listen to me!

If I don't get aspirin, I shall die...

If I had known that, I would never have attempted to come between you.

If I hadn't told him you were active, we'd never have got the cottage.

If I hear more words out of you,

If I lay ten mils of Diazepam on you, you will do something else to your brain.

If I medicined you, you'd think a brain tumor was a birthday present.

If I see that silage heap hanging about up here,

If my father was loaded, I'd ask him for some money.

If the Crow and Crown ever had life, it was dead now.

If we had some money, we could go away.

If you don't shut up, we'll get stopped by the police.

If you hit me, it's murder.

If you see anything, tell me. Get hold of that map.

If you think you're gonna have a weekend's indulgence at his expense,

If you want to humiliate me, humiliate me.

If you were hanging on to a rising balloon,

If your father was my father, you wouldn't get it.

Imagination? I just finished fighting a naked man.

Imagine the size of his balls.

In a punt with a chap called Norman...

In fact, he'd probably tell you what he was gonna do before he did it.

In that case, to a delightful weekend in the country.

In this instance, it most certainly would not.

Indeed, I remember my first agent.

Instructions are included.

Is this true?

Isn't it stimulating, getting back to a basic sort of life for a while?

It can stand with its legs on either side of that.

It can utilize up to 12 skins.

It depends entirely on the quality of the wine.

It has voodoo qualities.

It is called a Camberwell Carrot.

It is the most shattering experience of a young man's life...

It takes away your appetite looking at it.

It was a tactical necessity.

It was like walking into a lung,

It will get better. It has to.

It will pass. Be seated.

It won't be the first time I've been left with the couch.

It's a bloody chicken! Just think of it with bacon across its back.

It's all right, Miss Blenehassitt.

It's all your fault.

It's dinner, and Danny's here.

It's gonna need its feet.

It's him. What does he want?

It's horrible, really. But they like that, little girls.

It's impossible to make a Camberwell Carrot with anything less.

It's impossible to use 12 papers in one joint.

It's like a tide. Give in to it, boy.

It's not me, it's him!

It's not my fault if the system doesn't work.

It's obsessed with its gut. It's like a bloody rugby ball now.

It's ridiculous. I've been to drama school. I'm good looking.

It's sort of fashionable, actually. All the actors do it. Even Redgrave.

It's too like Donald Wolfit.

It's trying to get itself in with you. It's trying for even more advantage.

Its landlord was a retired alcoholic with military pretensions...

Jake isn't a friend, Monty. I'd hoped to avoid telling you this,

Jesus Christ! This huge, thatched head...

Jesus Christ! Why have you drugged their onions?

Jesus, look at that!

Jesus! You're covered in shit.

Just because the best tailoring you've ever seen is above your fucking appendix doesn't mean anything!

Just high.

Just say there are a couple of drunks in the Penrith Tea Rooms, and we want them removed.

Keep back, keep back. The entire sink's gone rotten.

Keep ourselves alive till 12:00.

Let go before it's too late?

Let him get his drugs out.

Let me tell you something, Withnail. If he comes into my room again, it's murder,

Let's all have a good laugh, eh, Withnail?

Let's go. He's a madman.

Liar! You've got antifreeze.

Like Greenland in here.

Listen to this. "Curse of the supermen.

Listen to this. "Curse of the supermen.

Listen, I don't know what my... acquaintance did to upset you,

Listen, I know what you're thinking, but I had no alternative.

Listen, I pay you ten percent to do that.

Listen, Monty. Could I just have a quick word with you? In private?

Listen, Monty. This is all very kind of you,

Listen, we're bona fide. We're not from London. Could we have some fuel and wood?

Listen, you young prat. I ain't got no pheasants.

Little tarts. They love it.

Little traitors.

Location, see.

Longtemps longtemps L 'odeur de tes cheveux. "

Look at him! Look at Jeff Wode!

Look at my tongue.

Look! Come here! Down here. Look.

Mad fucking bastard!

Makes no difference, so long as you keep taking the pills.

Making an enemy of our own future.

Marvelous.

Matter? Where's it coming from?

Matter.

Maybe he fucks arses.

Maybe he's written this in some moment of drunken sincerity?

Maybe it's the farmer.

Means we'll miss out Monday but come up smiling Tuesday morning.

Melt through the nervous system...

Merely forced it a little. Sorry if I frightened you.

Milkmen, that sort of thing.

Miss Blenehassitt, telephone the police.

Mistake, I'm telling you. This was a dreadful mistake.

Mm hmm.

Mmm, more meat?

Mmm. As a matter of fact, I got a saveloy.

Mmm. The carrot has mystery.

Montague H. Withnail."

Montague Withnail. You must know him!

Monty used to act.

Monty, there's something I have to explain to you.

Monty.

Monty's car.

Mr. Parkin. What happened to your leg?

Much more of this, I'm gonna apply for Meals On Wheels.

Must be 20,000 sheep out there on those volcanoes,

My boys, we're at the end of an age.

My Dad'll pick up the boxes in a week.

My God, it's a nightmare, let me tell you. It's a nightmare.

My heart's beating like a fucked clock!

My thumbs have gone weird!

My wife is having a baby.

Never point guns at people! It's extremely dangerous.

Night must fall, and we shall be forced to camp.

No fridges, no televisions, no phones!

No idea.

No man's put me down yet.

No need to get uptight, man. I was merely making an observation.

No need to insult me, man. I was leaving anyway.

No way. No fucking way.

No, I haven't got another.

No, I hear you're a little wizard in the kitchen. I shall need you, to work the joint.

No, I'm not in London. Penrith.

No, I'm not. What is it, Monty?

No, it ain't. I looked into it, studied the papers.

No, it doesn't. I'm starving.

No, man. That's a sideline. You can have that.

No, man. This was more like a long white hat.

No, no, dear boy. You must leave.

No, no, no. It'll be too late. I'll be knifed by then.

No, no. No, no. Give me the gloves.

No, thank you. I'll go out for a walk.

No, thanks. I've got a call to make.

No, we have nothing. Sit down.

No, you're not. I can't get my boots on when they're hot.

No.

No. He'd like a bit of pleading. Adds spice to it.

No. I have to keep the gun. I intend to remain awake.

No. I wish I could. It's just thoughts, really.

No. I've got nothing to sell.

No. No more, thank you.

Nonsense. This is a far superior drink to meths.

Not another word. Jake can wait too.

Not as spaced as your rodents.

Not only that, he's a raving homosexual.

Not the attitude I'd been given to expect...

Nothing down there of interest to you.

Now a bloody madman on the prowl outside with eels.

Now get after him. That's the man.

Now look, you. Them pheasants are for his pot. These here are for my pot.

Now what makes you think I should give you something for your pot?

Now, come along. I'm going to teach you how to peel a potato.

Now, last card up.

Now, which of you is going to be a splendid fellow...

Now, would you leave?

Of course he is. If he catches one of us,

Of course you are. You're simply blackmailing your emotions...

Of course you have. You're the poacher.

Off you go, then.

Offer him yourself.

Oh, bollocks to the Wellingtons.

Oh, Christ Almighty! A sinew in nicotine base.

Oh, didn't he tell you? We have to get back to sign on.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Oh, forgive me, dear boy. Forgive me.

Oh, God!

Oh, God! I don't feel good.

Oh, hello! Come in.

Oh, how delicious.

Oh, how I tried not to.

Oh, I hope tobacco sales plummet.

Oh, look at this little bastard!

Oh, my boys! My boys! Forgive me!

Oh, my boys.

Oh, my dear boy.

Oh, Oxford!

Oh, sorry. Sherry's in there.

Oh, splendid!

Oh, splendid! So you're a Thespian too?

Oh, this is ridiculous. I'll have to sleep in your bed.

Oh, tomatoes. Yes.

Oh, wait for us to finish, dear boy. We'll all go.

Oh, you went to Eton?

Oh!

Oh... very well.

Okay. Yeah. Promise.

Old suit? This suit was cut by Hawke's of Savile Row.

On my life, Monty, this is the first night we haven't slept together for six years.

One feels a glorious stirring of the senses...

One hardly says that.

One's ambition ceases.

Opened the oven door, and it was in there looking at me.

Or do you shut yourself off from new experience?

Or do you shut yourself off from new experience?

Or hang on and keep getting higher?

Our car has arrived.

Out mind him.

Out of my way!

Out of the car... please.

Parkin's been. There's our supper.

Penrith!

Perfectly all right. Leave him to me.

Perfumed ponce!

Perhaps the last island of beauty in the world.

Perpetual rain, freezing cold.

Phone.

Please don't.

Please stop!

Please, I don't feel good.

Poacher. Works the lake.

Ponce!

Ponce.

Poor old bastard.

Posing the question, how long can you keep a grip on the rope?

Precisely the reason I'm smokin' it.

Presuming Ed.

Probably wintering with his mother in Guildford.

Prostitutes for the bees.

Quite freaked me at the time. I was gonna cook onions.

Rather busy, Uncle. TV and stuff.

Raymond Duck.

Reckons you owe him 266 quid back rent.

Reflectin' these times.

Rejuvenate? I'm in a park, and I'm practically dead.

Right, you fucker. I'm gonna do the washing up.

Right. Now, we're gonna have to approach this scientifically.

Right. We're going.

Right. We're gonna have to reverse the roles.

Rosemary and salt.

Rubbish. I haven't seen Gielgud down the Labor Exchange.

See him? Look.

September. Bad patch.

Shall I get you a topper?

Shall we look?

She got a doll on Christmas what pisses itself.

She said she'd closed. What do you want in here?

Shhh! Shhh!

Shut that gate and keep it shut!

Shut up!

Sir.

Sit down, do. Would you like a drink?

Sit down, for Christ's sake. What's the matter with you?

Sit down, man. Take control.

So he looks at the Coalman and says,

So there's this judge sitting there in the cape like fucking Batman...

So we can eat it. We're fed up with stew!

So we're gonna make one that shits itself as well.

Sod your pheasants! You'll have to find us first.

Some miserable cheap cigar, and the bastards won't see me.

Something very special about a firm, young carrot.

Something's got to be done. We can't go on like this!

Speed is like a dozen transatlantic flights...

St. Peter preached the epistles to the apostles looking like that.

Stained with the butter drips from crumpets.

Starts comin' on really bald with me.

Stay in this lane. Bear right. Bear right.

Stop laughing, Withnail. This is serious.

Stop saying that, Withnail! Of course he's the fucking farmer!

Stop saying that! You're not in the same boat.

Stop that bull!

Stop that bull!

Stop, please! Please stop!

Stop! Please!

Stop. Get down.

Street, "the embalmer."

Suits me. He can eat his fucking radish.

Survey of rural types.

Tell him, if you must. I no longer care.

Ten minutes, right? You better be on your feet.

That can't be sensible, can it? The bastard's about to run at me!

That is a dog. Belongs to the fellow downstairs.

That is an unfortunate political decision,

That that represents a degree of hypocrisy...

That wouldn't make any difference in last week's payments.

That's all right, Danny. We decided to lay off for a bit.

That's four.

That's it. Next garage, I've gotta do something about that wiper.

That's politics, isn't it?

That's right. Put on the gloves.

That's what you'd say. But that wouldn't wash with Jeff.

That's why he's rejecting me while you're here.

The bastard asked me to understudy Constantine in The Seagull.

The bitch hung up on me.

The Coalman had to go toJamaica.

The greatest decade in the history of mankind is over.

The joint I'm about to roll requires a craftsman.

The law rather appeals to me, actually.

The murder and all bran and ****?

The old bugger's come a long way, and I didn't want to put the wind up him.

The old order changeth,

The only program I'm likely to get on is the fucking news.

The only thing you're in that I have been in is this fucking bath!

The poop will boil through the glaze. We'll never be able to use our dinner service again.

The purveyor of rare herbs and prescribed chemicals is back.

The theatrical zeal in the veins.

The thermostats! What have you done to them?

Then stick it in a soap tray and save it for later.

Then they must be delighted with your career.

Then we must choose our moment...

Then we'll eat a pork pie. Then we'll drop a couple of Surmontil 50s each.

Then why is he wearing that old suit?