Heathers (1989) Edit

A candy dish. Joan Crawford postcard.

A fast early acceptance into an Ivy league school, and please let it be Harvard. Amen.

A serious fuck bomb in the boiler room...

A true friend's work is never done.

A world where I am free.

Adequate mourning times and misused vocabulary words ?

After all, this is a decision that affects all of us,

Ah, well, sit and spin.

Aliens land on the earth and say they're gonna blow up the world in two days.

All because Glenn miller and his band once took a shit there.

All I got here is a couple of kids making out in a station wagon.

All J.D. really did was ruin two pairs of pants.

All of the schools.

All right, listen.

All right, now, here's the one perfecto thing I picked up.

All right, we we, uh we did a murder, and that's a crime.

All right. I got an issue of stud puppy. That's great.

All right. I'm just a little freaked here.

And all are killed."

And all we can think to talk about is...

And boning away on a neighbor's swing set.

And by the time they regain consciousness,

And feast on a turbo dog.

And Heather Duke's head has sprouted back in its place...

And how to hit three keggers before curfew.

And I felt bad every time I did it, but I kept doing it anyway.

And I get crammed in by the taco bell coupon.

And I sold her out for a bunch of swatch dogs and diet cokeheads.

And if you think I'm going to write another suicide note, you're wrong.

And it was a total disaster.

And it'll be one you'll enjoy.

And just... Talk... And feel...

And Kurt doesn't have a date.

And mix it up; it was fun.

And nothing has changed.

And now it's your turn to take the helm.

And our job is being popular and shit.

And really they're just lying there unconscious and bleeding ?

And say they're gonna blow it up in two days.

And slip it onto Martha's "dumptruck's" lunch tray.

And slip it onto Martha's "dumptruck's" lunch tray.

And sometimes I have a hard time dealing with it and stuff.

And the only thing different is my locker combination.

And the same day that that big Ed guy gives you the check,

And the same day that what's his face gives you the check,

And then there's social security, legal fees

And then we decided to chuck the idea...

And then you put a remote control bomb up its butt.

And then, when that blew,

And then... Smash !

And there's Heather. Where are you, Veronica ?

And to think there was a time when I actually thought you were cool.

And we're brushing up on our conversational skills with the scum of the school.

And while we do this,

And you have to believe it's for more than just selfish reasons,

And your worst enemy. Same difference.

And, as she writes so eloquently in her suicide note,

Angel dust, switchblades,

Another fucking Heather.

Another joke, man.

Answer him, dick.

Any contestants worth mentioning ?

Any other principal would take the same position.

Any town, anytime. You pop a ham and cheese in the microwave...

Are they naked ?

Are we gonna be tested on this ?

Are you trying to tell me it is not a time for troubled youth ?

Arraigned but acquitted. Gosh, pop,

As an opportunity to play yet another round of "let's laugh at the hippie."

At least you got what you wanted, you know ?

At the 4 h club. Oh, you're an asshole. Mute him.

Attention.

B u r

B.Q.

B.Q.

Because I was supposed to be this big genius.

Because Kurt and ram killed themselves in a repressed homosexual suicide pact.

Because nobody loves me.

Before a teenager decides to kill himself, there are certain facts he should know.

Before that,

Betty Finn was a true friend...

Blow up a couple of toasters or something.

Bo Diddley ?

Both students and teachers, in the cafeteria...

Bravo.

Bring along a bottle of tequila,

But he said that he and ram had a nice little sword fight in your mouth last night.

But he wants to double with Kurt...

But her soul was in Antarctica,

But I believe the word "Eskimo,"

But I've got no control over myself when I'm with J.D.

But in the meantime,

But no, you took this...

But now I realize I really wasn't boring.

But now prepare to die.

But rather a society...

But she couldn't handle it.

But she said I was boring.

But this is perfecto.

But this suicide thing

But tonight, let me dream of a world without Heather,

But we shared the pain...

But, uh, neither is blowing up a whole school, now is it ?

But, uh, she knew what she was doing.

Bye bye, girls.

Bye, betty.

Bye. Betty, leaving so soon ?

Bye. Bye. Bye bye.

Came to check up on this week's lunchtime poll topic.

Can be cruel,

Can genuinely get along with each other is in Heaven.

Catch a movie ? You know, some miniature golf ?

Chaos was great. Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling.

Cherry.

Color me impressed.

Color me stoked, girl.

Come here. Shit. Tipping is the fucking greatest.

Come on, come back.

Come on, David. Shouldn't we get back to the party ?

Come on, freshmen. Let's get up.

Come on, Heather. Let's take another look at today's lunch.

Come on, Heather. Let's take another look at today's lunch.

Come on, kids.

Come on, Veronica.

Come on, Veronica. I was talking to somebody.

Come on, Veronica. You used to have a sense of humor.

Come on, whoever wants a ride.

Come on.

Come on. Come on. Let's go. Up here.

Come on. It'll be very.

Come on. It's Heather's copy of Moby Dick.

Come on. You did. Mary had a little lamb little lamb, little lamb

Cough up a phlegm glob in it or something.

Could we make an ice run before the funeral ?

Count of three, guys.

Dallas, baton rouge, Vegas.

Damn it, Veronica.

Damn.

Dear diary,

Dear diary,

Dear diary, I want to kill,

Dear diary, last entry.

Dear God, please make sure this never happens to me...

Did too. You did too. I did not.

Did we ? How the hell did you get in here ?

Did you girls bring your partying slippers, huh ? Let's party.

Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast ?

Did you hear ? School's cancelled today...

Did you say a cherry or a coke slushee ?

Did you see that ? Heather number one just looked right at me.

Do I look like mother Teresa ?

Do they even have Thanksgiving in Africa ?

Do you know I'm still a virgin ?

Do you like your father ?

Do you think I mean, do you really think...

Does it not bother you that everybody in this school thinks that you're a piranha ?

Does this answer your question ?

Doing a favor for Heather. Double date.

Don't be a dick. That stuff will kill her.

Don't blame me. Blame Heather. She told me to haul your ass into the caf pronto.

Don't move. I'll, uh I'll get him back.

Don't talk to me like that, okay ?

Don't worry. Ram's been so sweet lately, consoling me and stuff.

Don't you start getting cocky on me now, girl.

Dreadful etiquette. I apologize.

Enough to cause a little blood but no real damage.

Es ki mo. [ sighs ]

Eskimo.

Eskimo. You know, it's so, uh, mysterious.

Even the ones who think big fun are tuneless, gyro fags.

Even when she's not hungover.

Every English class I looked forward to seeing her.

Everybody be like

Everybody's sad, but it's a weird kind of sad.

Excuse me ?

Excuse me, please. Hey, look, here comes the TV crew.

Excuse me. I think I know Heather a little better than you do.

Face it. Our way's the way.

Failing math. My whole life is a mess.

Feelings that this suicide has spurred in all of us.

Fellow students really signed.

First I was going to try and get you back with my amazing petition.

Football season is over, Veronica.

For an unadulterated, emotional outpouring.

Freezing with the knowledge of the way fellow teenagers...

French. All right.

From Heather to Heather.

Fuck me gently with a chain saw.

Fuck you !

Fuck you all."

Get a job.

Get crucial. She dialed suicide hot lines in her diapers.

Get off of my bed, you fucking psycho !

Getting some super

Give it up, girl.

Glad you could make it.

Go ! Go ! Go ! Go !

Go ! Go ! Go ! Go !

Go ! Go ! Go ! Go ! Go ! Go !

Go ! Go ! Go ! Yeah !

God ! [ exhales ]

God ! God !

God has cursed me, I think.

God, aren't they fed yet ?

God, come on, Veronica.

God, it's unfair.

God, that was incredible. Holy shit !

God, they won't expel him. They'll just suspend him for a week or something.

God, Veronica,

God, Veronica, drool much ?

God, you can be so immature.

Goddamn, Heather. You were with me in study hall when I thought of it.

Goddamn, will somebody tell me why I smoke these damn things ?

Goddamn, won't someone tell me why I read these spy novels ?

Got along famously.

Got what I wanted ?

Great bike.

Great funeral, huh ?

Great pate, but I got to motor...

Great. So Heather gets the front page...

Greetings and salutations.

Greetings and salutations.

Gross. Gross.

Grow up, Heather. Bulimia is so '87.

Guess who. Heather ?

Ha ! There's only one of us who knows how to do Heather's handwriting.

Ha. I mean, uh, noose too loose.

Ha. Jesus ! I mean, I've got a meaningfully marked up Moby Dick.

Hail Mary who aren't in Heaven, pray for all us sinners so we don't get caught.

He didn't perform himself.

He made out the signature sheet and everything.

He once told me that the extreme always makes an impression.

He said that he thought you might try to kill yourself.

He said that we should keep you away from sharp objects,

He seemed very concerned about you.

He used a real gun. They should throw his ass in jail.

He's in my American history.

Hear about Veronica's affection for regurgitation ?

Heather ? Veronica.

Heather Chandler did polls. I want you to do a petition,

Heather Chandler is one bitch that deserves to die.

Heather Chandler was that leader, but

Heather Chandler's more popular than ever now.

Heather Duke underlined a lot of things in this copy of Moby Dick.

Heather left behind one of her swatches.

Heather told me she teaches people real life.

Heather, how many networks did you run to ?

Heather, I don't have anything against Martha Dunnstock.

Heather, I feel really sick like I'm gonna throw up, so can we please jam now ?

Heather, I have something going with J.D.

Heather, I think last night, we both said a lot of stuff we didn't mean.

Heather, my love, there's a new sheriff in town.

Heather, why can't you just be a friend ?

Heather, your mother's here.

Heather.

Heather.

Heather's even doing the old note trick.

Hello ? Hello, betty ? This is Veronica.

Hello, Heather.

Hello, Jason Dean.

Hello, ladies. Throw your coats on the floor.

Here it is: "teenage suicide don't do it."

Here's a little gift.

Here's what she said to me

Here's what she said to me

Hey, babe, I need a name.

Hey, dad, how was work today ?

Hey, don't worry about it, Veronica. Sit down, huh ?

Hey, I heard it that time.

Hey, isn't that that flake we met at the open house ?

Hey, Martha.

Hey, mom,

Hey, mom,

Hey, take a break, Veronica. Sit down.

Hey.

Hi, Courtney. Love your cardigan.

Hi, guys.

Hi, guys.

Hi, Kurt.

Hi, Veronica.

Hi, Veronica. A five keeps an Infant alive.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. I'm sorry.

Hi. This is Veronica Sawyer.

Hi. What's your name ? Hi. I'm Heather Duke.

Hmm. Okay.

Hmm. Well, maybe we could, like,

Hold it. "Eskimo." that

Holy shit ! We'll crucify her.

How do I turn off the goddamn bomb, asshole ?

How do you think he'd react to his son...

How very.

I almost forgot to introduce my girlfriend. Oh.

I am not trying to bring anybody back, except maybe myself.

I asked my mother

I asked my mother

I asked my teacher what should I try

I came into the cafeteria, asked them to hold hands.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe this is my life.

I can't believe this. We're going to a party at Remington university tonight...

I can't control myself.

I can't get him out of my head.

I can't. Uh, my mom's making my favorite meal tonight. Spaghetti.

I did not ! Did not ! Did too. Did too !

I did not want them dead.

I did not.

I didn't.

I die knowing no one knew the real me."

I don't believe it. I'm winning.

I don't believe it. I'm winning.

I don't get it. I mean, you were wrong. I was right.

I don't get it. Well, you did last night.

I don't get the point of me writing a suicide note...

I don't know what it's given me,

I don't know, Dennis. This stuff leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

I don't know. I still gotta talk to Heather, dude.

I don't know. Probably row out to the middle of the lake somewhere,

I don't know. There's a lot to be said for throwing off your ow !

I don't patronize bunny rabbits.

I don't really like my friends.

I don't want your money. I want your strength.

I find it profoundly disturbing...

I forgot.

I got a note of Kurt Kelly's.

I got you into a Remington party.

I guess I was wrong. We all were.

I guess that's Heather's way.

I guess that's more on Paulineís wavelength.

I had at least 70 more people at my funeral.

I hate that.

I have her note. [ students ] ooh !

I heard it was really gnarly.

I just got back.

I just killed my best friend.

I just wanna get laid.

I knew it. I was positive. I was sure.

I knew that loose was too noose.

I knew that. I knew that.

I knew this stuff would be too intense for her.

I knew you'd be back, Veronica.

I know I'm not as exciting as your other friends.

I like it. It's got that, uh,

I like to suck big dicks.

I love it. I usually go for the whole sentence myself.

I love my dead gay son.

I made your favorite spaghetti, lots of oregano.

I mean Heather and Kurt were a shock, but Martha "dumptruck" ?

I mean Westerberg does not need mushy togetherness. It needs a strong leader.

I mean, it's going to be a Woodstock for the '80s.

I mean, society nods its head at any horror...

I mean, uh, go ahead, knock me out.

I need you to forge a hot and horny but realistically low key note in Kurt's handwriting...

I prayed for the death of Heather Chandler many times.

I put a Norwegian in the boiler room.

I really missed you.

I remember I won her, um, a rhino...

I said I was sorry. You were out of control.

I said, "so, you teach people how to spread their wings and fly ?"

I said, "you're beautiful."

I saw the croquet set up in the back. You up for a match ?

I say we just grow up, be adults and die.

I see you know your convenient speak pretty well.

I set off a pack of thermals I stuck upstairs.

I should know.

I tell my suitor when he wants more than I'd like to give him.

I think it's a good opportunity to share the...

I think you can.

I told Dennis if he gives me another political topic, I'd spew burrito chunks.

I tried to tell you at the funeral, but you rode off.

I understand that I must stop Heather.

I use my grand I.Q. To decide what color gloss to wear...

I wanna get Heather and put her on my Johnson and start spinning her around...

I wanna pass this note around the class...

I want everyone to clasp hands.

I was afraid of you coming home late at night, and I

I was impressed to see that she made proper use of the word "myriad" in her suicide note.

I was kind of hoping you could rip my clothes off me, sport.

I was looking around the other day and I dug up, uh,

I was supposed to be captain of the cheerleading team.

I was teasing. I loved you.

I was thinking more along the lines of slitting Heather Duke's wrists open,

I was wondering if you wanted all those things you've been saying to really happen.

I was wondering, if you weren't doing anything that night,

I won't be needing it.

I'd go to Egypt... With a girl.

I'd just slide that wad over to my father,

I'd like that.

I'd like to see Heather Chandler puke her guts out.

I'd pay Madonna a million bucks to sit on my face...

I'd probably miss my own birthday for a date. Don't say that.

I'd use the money for an end of the world get together.

I'll ask you to do me a favor,

I'll be your best friend.

I'll get right on it, coach. Oh, a little gift for you.

I'll give you a week's lunch money.

I'll kill you. I'll fucking kill you. I swear to God.

I'll repeat myself.

I'll repeat myself.

I'll tell you the lunchtime poll topic.

I'm a Veronica... Sawyer.

I'm checking it out.

I'm giving Veronica her shot. Her first Remington party.

I'm going to commit suicide. Playing our song.

I'm gonna have to send my M.I.T. scores to San Quentin instead of Stanford.

I'm gonna need a VHS copy of all this by Monday for my Princeton application.

I'm here today to fuse it back again through togetherness.

I'm just so...

I'm not belittling the food list fund, Peter.

I'm not gonna drink that piss.

I'm really sorry I couldn't make it to your birthday party last month.

I'm red.

I'm so angry. It was chaos. Fucking chaos.

I'm sorry.

I'm telling you, man, it would be so righteous...

I'm worshipped at Westerberg. And I'm only a Junior.

I've already started underlining meaningful passages in her copy of Moby Dick,

I've gotten everyone to sign this petition,

I've seen Ms. Pauline Flemingís way.

Ich luger bullets. I'm such an idiot.

If betty Finn's fairy godmother made her cool,

If every nimrod followed her cue.

If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you ?

If I did, I probably wouldn't mind talking to the geek squad.

If I got that money, I'd give it all to the homeless. Every cent.

If I have to sing "kumbaya" one more time what are you doing here ?

If I let these kids out before lunch, the switchboard will light up like a Christmas tree.

If I wanna be ready for that party tonight.

If I wasn't already the head of it, I'd want the same thing.

If it wasn't for the courage of the fearless crew,

If she was going to slit her wrist, the knife would spotless.

If you don't have a brewski in your hand, you might as well be wearing a dress.

If you know what I mean.

If you wanna fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly."

If you're gonna openly be a bitch

In a burst of cleansing synchronicity,

Is it as good for you as it is for me ?

Is it sleeping, dude ? I think so, man.

Is that pate ?

Is that what you said, little miss voice of a generation ?

Is the key to understanding Heather's pain.

Is this turnout weak or what ?

It is another thing to serve them a wake up cup full of liquid drainer.

It is one thing to want somebody out of your life;

It must be rough moving place to place.

It seems we were in a similar position on Monday...

It was it was just that I

It was miserable.

It'll be really very.

It's a family recipe. What did you do, put a phlegm glob in it or something ?

It's a joke, man. Jeez, people are so serious.

It's a lot more interesting than just flinging off your clothes...

It's a shame you can't see what our, uh,

It's a two page layout with her suicide note right up here in the corner.

It's all over, J.D. Help me stop it.

It's always been a fantasy of mine to have two guys at once.

It's another case of a geek...

It's Friday.

It's going to be the kind of thing to infect a generation.

It's incredible similarity.

It's Jesus Christ. And he's in the book.

It's just not gonna be the same here without her.

It's just so unfair.

It's just that she was dissatisfied with her life.

It's just that we're talking teen suicide here.

It's just that you're so hot tonight.

It's kind of scary how everybody's got a little story to tell.

It's Madonna. Jeez, no, not that.

It's more tasteful than it sounds.

It's not my style.

It's not really subtle,

It's over, J.D. Over. Grow up !

It's so great to be able to talk to a girl and not have to ask what's your major.

It's the only way to win.

It's usually because they are being treated like human beings.

It's your turn, Heather.

It's your turn, Heather.

J.D. Told me you committed suicide last night.

J.D., you are not even listening to me.

Jealous much ?

Jennifer Forbes told me the petition she signed...

Jesus God in Heaven, why did you have to kill such hot snatch ?

Jesus h. Christ.

Jesus, man, Westerberg finally got one of these things and I'm not gonna blow it.

Just don't come to school and don't mess with me.

Just feeling a little superior tonight.

Just give me the cup, jerk.

Just how do you think adults act with other adults ?

Just like Kansas. Remember fucking Kansas ?

Just remember he's left handed. [ man ] keep going.

Just think what a better place this world would be...

Keep things business as usual. Heather Chandler is not your everyday suicide.

Keeps me sane.

Killed himself the next day.

Killing Heather would be like offing the wicked witch of the west.

Know the name of that righteous dude...

Knowing that I'm always red.

Kurt and ram had nothing to offer this school but date ****s and aids jokes.

Kurt told us of your little date.

Kurt.

Last time I saw my mom she was waving from a library window in Texas.

Later. Definitely.

Leave him alone, ram. [ motorcycle approaching ]

Let's do it on the coats. It'll be excellent, huh ?

Let's face it, all right ? The only place different social types...

Let's give him a good scare, though.

Let's give that leftover lunch money to people who don't have lunches.

Let's go get a slushee.

Let's go, rottweilers, let's go !

Let's go, rottweilers, let's go !

Let's just hope she's rubbing noses with Jesus.

Let's kick his ass.

Let's kick his ass. Cool off.

Let's see how the son of a bitch reacts to a suicide...

Let's see. Some, uh, mascara.

Let's take a look at some of the homosexual artifacts I dug up...

Let's talk emotions.

Like I give a shit.

Like last night, Veronica ?

Like some mythological thing my eighth grade boyfriend would have known about.

Like totally blew my allowance.

Listen up.

Listen, I I got to get home, okay ?

Listen, my Bonnie and Clyde days are over.

Lock your paws.

Look, I suggest that we get everybody together,

Look, it was J.D.ís idea.

Look, just sign the petition, okay ?

Look, Martha couldn't take the heat,

Look, you believed it because you wanted to believe it.

Looks like Ms. Flem's on another one of her crusades.

Lots of oregano. How nice.

Love in or whatever.

Making it look like a suicide.

Man, if you can't deal with me now,

May I have your attention, please ?

Maybe it's time to take a vacation.

Maybe we could rent some new releases.

Maybe you should see a doctor. Yeah, maybe.

Maybe.

Maybe. There's kind of a dark horse in the running.

Me and Martha "dumptruck" ?

Milk and orange juice.

Mineral water.

Mineral water.

Mm. [ horn honks ]

Mmm, mmm. I can't get enough of 'em. Are you satisfied ?

Monday morning you're history. I'll tell everyone about tonight.

More than just a spoke in my menstrual cycle.

Mother of shit. Call in.

Ms. Fleming, we're ready when you are. Hi there.

My afterlife is so boring.

My date for the prom kind of flaked out on me.

My grandfather snared a shitload of them back in WWII.

My name is Heather no, it it's not Heather.

My name is Tweetie.

My parents are divorced and stuff.

My sax and, uh, some Bach.

My son's a homosexual, and I love him.

My teen angst bullshit has a body count.

Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag !

Never given the matter much thought.

Never say never.

Next call.

Nice guys finish last.

No !

No !

No ? None.

No one at Westerbergís gonna let you play their reindeer games.

No one can stop J.D. Not the FBI, the M.I.T. Or the P.T.A.

No way.

No, but if you're nice, I'll let you buy me a slushee.

No, don't shut up. I'd like to know exactly what I did.

No, Heather. It's Heather's turn.

No, it

No, killing her won't solve anything.

No, my life's not perfect.

No, no, forget it. I got all the answers back here.

No. Hell, no.

No. That's the punch line.

No. That's the punch line.

Nobody's going to care about exact handwriting.

Not because society didn't care, but because the school was society."

Not to be experimented on like guinea pigs or patronized like bunny rabbits.

Now !

Now I know you understood everything.

Now if you'll excuse me

Now that you're dead,

Now where's she going ?

Now,

Now, I rarely listen to Neanderthals like Kurt Kelly.

Now, I've seen a lot of bullshit

Now, is this Heather the cheerleader ?

Now, it could be Westerbergís if we get everybody's John Hancock.

Now, look, I don't feel so good, okay ?

Now, should it be chicken noodle or bean with bacon ?

Now, that is about the least private thing I can think of.

Now, the, uh, note's the punch line.

Now, who would like to begin ?

Of course it is.

Of course.

Of losing three very popular students.

Oh !

Oh, Christ, I can't explain it, but I'm allowed and understanding...

Oh, come on. A lot of people drink mineral water. It's come a long way.

Oh, come on. A lot of people drink mineral water. It's come a long way.

Oh, damn. I'd be willing to go a half a day for a cheerleader.

Oh, for Christ

Oh, great. Here comes Heather.

Oh, hell, yes.

Oh, I just had the nicest little chat with miss dumptruck.

Oh, I know everyone at your high school isn't so uptight.

Oh, man, she knows we listen to this show.

Oh, man, they were fags.

Oh, my I I I I sh should have let you take that job at the mall.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Here we go.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Let's roll !

Oh, sure. Pilgrims, Indians, tater tots. It's a real party continent.

Oh, the humanity.

Oh, the humanity.

Oh, wow. These are great.

Oh, yeah, that's it.

Oh, yeah, that's it.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I'm on my way to a party at Remington university.

Oh, yeah. Tell that to the judge, all right ?

Oh, yeah. They seem to have an open door policy for assholes, though, don't they ?

Oh, you kids are making too much damn noise.

Oh, you're so smart.

Oh. Good idea.

Oh. Oh, my God !

Oh. Okay, you're probably right.

Ohh ! Heather, you're throwing your life away...

Okay, I French kissed Al Springer once,

Okay, I'm going. Jesus Christ !

Okay, just as long as it's not gonna be one of those nights...

Okay, let's start by putting the bomb down on the ground.

Okay, put your hands on your head.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

On the surface, Heather Duke was the vivacious young lady...

One,

Only they break the surface of the skin,

Open the door !

Or maybe not even that. Can you bleach out urine stains ?

Ouch. Lunchtime poll ?

Our love is God.

Our slate is clean.

Our way is not our way.

Outpouring of emotion ?

Over here. Let's see some togetherness.

People love me. You know, you haven't signed yet.

People love you, but I know you.

Please send Heather to Heaven and all that.

Please, Veronica, put Billy the kid on hold tonight.

Please.

Pop some popcorn.

Praise Jesus. Hallelujah.

Press the middle button to turn it off, if that's what you really want.

Pretend I did blow up the school,

Probably.

Promise.

Punch it in.

Punch it in.

Put a lid on that stuff. I say we go with big blue here.

Que sera

Que sera, sera

Que sera, sera

Que sera, sera

Que sera, sera

Que sera, sera

Que sera, sera

Ram, you come over here.

Really ?

Right ?

Right, dad ?

Right.

Right.

Right. Some teenie bopper rag says that,

Rodney, what's underneath the gym ?

Rodney, where's everybody going ?

Ronny !

Save the memorial oak tree society.

Sawyer, guess what today is.

Say it.

Say, "I like to suck big dicks."

Scary stuff. Yeah.

See, we shoot Kurt and ram, make it look like they shot each other.

Sera

Sera

Seriously. People are going to look at the ashes of Westerberg and say...

Seven schools in seven states,

Sexually perverse photography exhibits involving tennis rackets.

Sh my God. Suicide. Why ?

She always said you couldn't accessorize for shit.

She belly flopped in front of a car wearing a suicide note.

She loves to party.

She said, "real life sucks losers dry."

She said, "yes."

She sucked down a bowl of multipurpose deodorizing disinfectant...

She walked into the building two minutes before my dad blew the place up.

She was very popular.

She won't be able to see what she's drinking.

She would never drink anything that looked like that anyway.

She would never drink anything that looked like that anyway.

She'd want you to have it, Veronica.

She's alive and in stable condition.

She's alive and in stable condition.

She's going to cry.

She's gonna wanna cash in on as many 50 cent words as possible.

Sherwood, Ohio has always been a snappy snack shack.

Shh. [ mooing ]

Shh. Shut up, Courtney.

Shit !

Shit ! Another damn pep assembly.

Shit.

Shit. On the count of three.

Shoot the ball.

Should I paint pictures

Should I pry them apart ?

Should I sing songs

Showed those fucks.

So it looks like the person's been shot and killed...

So maybe I am killing everyone in the school.

So she got out of the kitchen.

So we killed them, didn't we ?

So we on tonight, man, or what ?

So you can all feel its pathetic beauty for yourself.

So, it's, uh, come to this.

So, should I just whip it out ?

So, this is what's called a lunchtime poll.

So, tonight's the night. Are you two excited ?

So, what are you gonna do, Heather ?

So, what was the first day after Heather's suicide like ?

So, what was the first week of spring vacation withdrawal like ?

So, what's the question ? Yeah, what's the question, Heather ?

So, why don't you ask your little friend to stay for dinner ?

So, will we get to meet this dark horse prom contender ?

Some damn tribe of withered old bitches...

Something lame like that ?

Sorry to hear about your friend.

Strength, damn it !

Strength.

Such a pillowcase.

Suicide gave Heather depth, Kurt a soul,

Suicide is a private thing.

Suicide. Double suicide. They shot each other.

Sure, I was I was coming up here to kill you.

T e r b u r

Take a break, Veronica. Sit down.

Take the two shots or send me out ?

Talk about your suicide pacts, huh ?

Technically, I did not kill Heather Chandler.

Teenage suicide she blew it

Thank you, Ms. Fleming. You call me when the shuttle lands.

Thanks. I just got it last night from limited.

That example is Heather Chandler.

That funeral yesterday must've really been rough, huh ?

That had a limp wrist with a pulse ? [ snickering ]

That is bullshit. Shoot.

That little prick.

That Martha "dumptruck" tried to buy the farm.

That my parents and these Remington university assholes have chosen to ignore.

That only proves my point more. The word is a badge for her failures at school.

That person could be me.

That pud whapper just stepped on my foot.

That son of a bitch.

That sounded like a good one. Hey, you got the dogcatcher.

That tells its youth...

That that that knife is filthy.

That the answers can be found in the MTV video games.

That thing you pulled in the caf today was pretty severe.

That was my, uh, first game of strip croquet.

That we can put in the Heather Chandler yearbook spread.

That we're told of the tragic destruction of youth,

That would be Heather McNamara.

That'll, uh, induce her to spew red, white and blue then.

That's good, but Heather would never use the word "myriad."

That's good. Have you done this before ?

That's gotta be the most spooky ass question I ever heard.

That's it. We're breaking up.

That's okay.

That's okay. Your mom said you had a big date.

That's one word.

That's perfect.

That's pretty sick, eh ?

That's right. "teenage suicide don't do it."

That's the stupidest question I've ever heard.

That's... Very good, Peter.

The American teenager can think to bring upon itself.

The boiler room.

The cops.

The door was open.

The future's not ours

The future's not ours to see

The future's not ours to see

The future's not ours to see

The future's not ours to see

The last Guy I had sex with...

The minnow would be lost, and you are too.

The most popular people in school are dead.

The note will give her shower nozzle masturbation material for weeks.

The note will give her shower nozzle masturbation material for weeks.

The number one song in America today is "teenage suicide don't do it" by big fun.

The way that life can suck !

The way that parents can be unresponsive...

The what ? Well well, take a look.

The white whale drank some bad plankton and splashed through a coffee table.

The whole world is watching.

Then just stay home and shoot your TV,

Then on Friday she can hold her little...

Then you'll get the negatives and everything back then.

There are no stupid questions.

These are ich luger bullets.

These little programs are eating suicide up with a spoon.

These old photographs.

They all want me as a friend or a fuck.

They wanted to move me into high school out of the sixth grade...

They'll be the laughingstock of the whole school.

They're gonna blow up the world in two days.

They're like tranquilizers.

They're making it sound like it's a cool thing to do.

This is important. After taxes, I'll only be getting

This is the last thing she'll ever write.

This may seem like a really stupid question.

This school has been torn apart by tragedy.

This was her wise reply

This will be on TV. Let's show them how you feel.

This wouldn't be that bizarro thing you were babbling about over the phone last night ?

Those fish sticks can wait. Let's go.

Thought she was your usual airhead bitch.

Three !

Three.

Thrilled...

To an uncaring and un understanding world."

To be in a Veronica Sawyer/ Heather Chandler sandwich.

To become a statistic in U.S. Fucking A. Today.

To finally have an example of the profound sensitivity of which a human animal is capable.

To set off a pack of thermals upstairs.

To the myriad of problems life has given me."

Together.

Tomorrow I'll be kissing her aerobicized ass,

Tomorrow, someone else is just going to move into her place.

Transfer to Washington. Transfer to Jefferson.

Treated like human beings ?

Trust me. She skips the Saturday morning trip to grandma's...

Trying to imitate the popular people at the school and failing miserably.

Turn that back on. Can't you see ?

TV cameras happened on to our path...

Tweetie ? Ooh, tweet.

Two,

Ugh !

Uh

Uh uh.

Uh, closed garage doors, chemical, uh, substances

Uh, is she dead ?

Uh, never mind. I'll, uh, carry the cup.

Uh, not right now, tiger. I'm a little busy.

Uh, not right now, tiger. I'm a little busy.

Uh, prescription drugs. Prescription drugs.

Uh, they want to play a prom.

Uh, Tracy, let's not rehash the coroner's report.

Uh, Veronica ? What ?

Uh, Veronica, this is brad. Excellent.

Uh, yeah, yeah. I think what I heard back there was just a bunny rabbit.

Um,

Um, Heather and I used to go out,

Underlined all by itself,

Veronica ? What are you doing ?

Veronica knew you'd have a hangover, so, uh, I whipped this up for you.

Veronica needs something to write on. Heather, bend over.

Veronica, could you come back here a minute ?

Veronica, dinner !

Veronica, have you heard ?

Veronica, I

Veronica, this is my dad. Dad, Veronica. Hi.

Veronica, what are you doing ?

Veronica, why are you pulling my dick ?

Veronica. And Jesse James.

Veronica. What are you doing tonight ?

Veronica. You look like hell. Yeah ?

Wait a minute. Jason Dean.

Wait a second. Wait a second. Do you take German ?

Wait. East. West. God, you sound like a fucking psycho.

Wait. Where's Heather going ?

Want some pate ?

Want some pate ?

Was to put a hot tub in the cafeteria.

Watch it, Heather. You might be digesting food there.

We all knew her to be.

We could have toasted some marshmallows together.

We liked the same kind of clothes.

We must pray that the other teenagers of Sherwood, Ohio...

We must revel in this revealing moment.

We need to connect this cafeteria into one mighty circuit.

We scare people into not being assholes.

We should get off a whole week, not just an hour.

We were doing Chinese at the food fair when it comes over the radio...

We were doing Chinese at the food fair when it comes over the radio...

We were wondering if you had any poems or artwork that Heather did...

We will.

We wore the same size, and sometimes we could borrow each other's clothes...

We'll all miss Sherwoodís little Eskimo.

We'll just concoct ourselves a little hangover cure...

We'll, uh, put it in this.

We're seniors. Goddamn geek !

We're too old for that kind of crap.

Well, everybody's life has got static. Is your life perfect ?

Well, great pate, but I'm gonna have to motor if I wanna be ready for that funeral.

Well, I don't know. He was really detailed.

Well, I've made a circle on each side of the clearing.

Well, it's just like they're people I work with...

Well, milk and orange juice will do quite nicely. Mm.

Well, now it's my turn.

Well, ram asked me out tonight,

Well, we're just gonna write off today.

Well, we're not gonna be using blanks this time.

Well, well, well well, well

Well, you'll live.

Well, you're not just gonna go for those two shots.

Well, you're welcome.

Were too gross and icky for you to face.

What ?

What ? Another gunshot. From the woods.

What ? You can't bring him back. You must know that.

What a life.

What a night.

What a waste.

What about the photographs ? Oh, don't worry.

What are we gonna tell the cops ?

What are you going to do with your life ?

What are you gonna do with the money ?

What are you talking about ?

What are you talking about ? You hated her; she hated you.

What are you talking about, huh ? Today was great.

What are you trying to do, kill me ?

What are you trying to do, sleep ?

What did you say, dick head ?

What did your boyfriend say when you told him you were moving to Sherwood, Ohio ?

What do you do ?

What do you do ?

What do you say we knock off early, buy some shoes,

What do you think I'm going to do with it, take out her tonsils ?

What does she want, a written invitation ?

What else does a suicide need, huh ?

What is this, blackmail ?

What is your damage, Heather ?

What the fuck. Okay.

What will be, will be

What will be, will be

What will I be

What's my thanks ? It's on the hallway carpet.

What's the upchuck factor on that ?

What's your damage ? Brad's saying you're being a real cous.

Whatever will be

Whatever will be, will be

Whatever will be, will be

Whatever.

When I get that feeling, I need sexual healing.

When I thoughtfully suggested we get everybody together...

When I was just a child in school

When I was just a little girl

When I was just a little girl

When our school blows up tomorrow,

When teenagers complain that they want to be treated like human beings,

When we're just gonna be shooting them with blanks.

When you get to the circle, strip.

Where did you get this ?

Where is he ? Where's J.D. ? We have to talk.

Where they get shit faced and take us to a pasture to tip cows.

Where's Heather going ?

Whether to kill yourself or not is one of the most important decisions a teenager can make.

Which button do I press to turn it off ?

Who can solve their problems.

Who's that guy in the coat think he is anyways ?

Whoa ! Oh ! Oh !

Why are you such a mega bitch ?

Why don't you give it a try, huh ? Underline something.

Why so tense ?

Why so tense ?

Will be

With the usual success, of course.

Write the school board.

Y your friend Jason Dean stopped by.

Yeah, 30 of those fourth of July fireworks attached to the trunk.

Yeah, and I left him drunk and flailing in cow shit.

Yeah, but she missed "myriad" on the vocab test two weeks ago.

Yeah, but this is Ohio.

Yeah, I didn't expect to be calling either. I guess my emotions took over.

Yeah, I, uh I don't really like your friends either.

Yeah, in the woods behind the school.

Yeah, right, asshole.

Yeah, so would I.

Yeah, so, what's the deal ?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, that was the one with the wheat, right ?

Yeah, they said her death was an accident,

Yeah, this is officer McCord.

Yeah, well, dude, just remember,

Yeah, well, the extreme always seems to make an impression.

Yeah, well, uh, I've been moved around all my life.

Yeah, where's your urge to purge ? Fuck it.

Yeah. I mean, uh,

Yeah. Just a humble perk from my dad's construction company.

Yeah. You know, these things can get pretty artificial,

Yes ?

Yes, dear diary, I've cut off Heather Chandler's head...

Yet we were forced to live the lie of sexist, beer guzzling jock assholes."

You a Heather ? No.

You blow it tonight, girl, and it's keggers with kids all next year.

You can do Heather's handwriting as well as your own, right ?

You can't be serious.

You chicken ?

You did too.

You didn't say "Simon says."

You don't deserve my fucking speech.

You don't have anything for her either.

You goddamn bitch.

You got power. Power I didn't think you had.

You have been depressed lately. Oh, he left this for you.

You have to believe me.

You inherit $5 million the same day aliens land on the earth...

You know what I mean ? Hmm ? Eww !

You know, betty, your daydreams are a lot better than my realities, believe me.

You know, I have a little prepared speech...

You know, if you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn't be a human being.

You know, some days it's great to be alive. [ laughing ]

You like to suck big dicks. Ow !

You piece of shit fag. You like to suck big dicks ? Cut it out.

You push the button on the bomb, and you and the lion die like one.

You say tomato, I say "to mah to."

You seem pretty amused. I thought you had given up on high school guys.

You stupid fuck.

You think I'll drink it just because you call me chicken ?

You think just because you started this thing you can end it ?

You two.

You two.

You wanna see the canoeing shots ?

You want to clean the slate as much as I do, right ?

You were a bluebird. You were a brownie.

You were a girl scout cookie.

You were nothing before you met me.

You were playing Barbies with betty Finn.

You win $5 million from the publisher's sweepstakes.

You win $5 million in the publisher's sweepstakes.

You, uh you really fucked me up pretty bad, Veronica.

You, um

You'd be a game show host.

You'll be back.

You're a rebel ? Do you actually think you're a rebel ?

You're beautiful.

You're gonna eat this ?

You're not a rebel. You're a fucking psychotic.

You're not funny.

You're not funny.

You've, uh, heard of the group big fun, right ?

Young love.

Your pop's big bud Dean construction ?

Your true feelings...

"gee, I had a really nice " save the speeches for Malcolm x.

[ ram ] say it. Okay, okay.

And Doug Hilton said some people need different kinds of convincing.

Back me up, Heather. Yeah, she really wants to talk to you, Veronica.

Cleansing synchronicity ? And captured this emotional outpouring of emotion.

Did not ! Did not ! Those two deserved to die.

Easy shot, Heather. No way, no day.

Hey, that's Kurt Kelly. Yeah, and the linebacker, Ram Sweeney.

I don't know. It was okay, I guess. Isn't the prom coming up ?

I'll think about it. Don't think.

It's really deep, huh ? Which red button ?

Like a suicide thing ? Yeah.

Oh, Veronica, I'm sorry. Betty Finn. Gosh.

Okay. Thanks.

Pauline shut up, Paul.

She should pay me, though. You go to the zoo and you get a lion.

Sorry, Heather. que sera, sera

Stand up straight. All we want is to be treated like human beings.

teenage suicide don't do it

The beaver's home. Judge told them to slurp shit and die.

What about Heather and Kurt and ram ? [ sighs ]

What do you do ? [ boy ] that's easy.

Why ? Why not ?

You know what I want, babe ? What ?

'cause he is like one of the top brokers in the state.

'cause I don't think I can handle suicide.

'cause you're an idiot.

'cause you're an idiot.

"and even for hate, thou canst but kill.

"bringing every state to a higher state."

"dear Martha, you're so sweet."

"fuck it if she can't take a joke, sarge" ?

"I had feelings too.

"just because you're beautiful and popular,

"life... Sucks."

"no one understood...

"now there is a school that self destructed.

"oh, God, Veronica !" I'm telling it to you.

"our burning bodies will be the ultimate protest...

"our forbidden love to an uncaring and un understanding world.

"people think...

"ram and I died the day we realized we could never reveal...

"the Joy we shared in each other's arms was greater than any touchdown,

"to a society that degrades us.

"to me, though, suicide is the natural answer...

"to neither love nor reverence will thou be kind ?

"today.

"we realized we could never reveal our forbidden love...

"we students of Westerberg high will die...

"what a cruel world, so let's toss ourselves in the abyss" type ambience, huh ?

"you might think what I've done is shocking." yeah.

[ all ] ...E s t e r

[ all ] let's go ! [ girl ] come on !

[ arguing ]

[ beeping ]

[ beeping ]

[ beeps ]

[ beeps ]

[ bird tweeting ]

[ both ] one, two,

[ both yelling ]

[ boy ] ow !

[ boy ] Westerberg feeds the world. Come on, people.

[ boys laughing ]

[ cackling ]

[ chattering ]

[ cheering, applauding ]

[ chuckles ] because I can be.

[ chuckles ] no way, Veronica.

[ class bell rings ]

[ clears throat ]

[ cows mooing, boys laughing ]

[ door closes ]

[ door closes ] [ duke ] hi, everybody.

[ duke ] bravo.

[ exhales ] now blah, blah, blah is all I do.

[ explosion ]

[ fake sobbing ]

[ Fleming ] that's fine. Up on your feet. Let's go.

[ Fleming continuing ]

[ gagging ]

[ gunshot ]

[ Heather ] corn nuts. B.Q. Or plain ?

[ horn honking, brakes screeching ]

[ J.D. ] mmm. I thank you.

[ J.D. ] what is this shit ?

[ J.D. ] you want to go out tonight ?

[ J.D. ] you're gonna pull a super chug with that ?

[ laughing ] masterful.

[ laughing ] we beat the bitches. Oh, beautiful.

[ laughs ]

[ laughs ] what about milk and orange juice ?

[ man ] dudes, if I get one more request for that big fun song,

[ man ] ha ! Look ! There's Heather. [ laughing ]

[ man ] I blame not Heather...

[ man ] I mean, like, skipper's okay, but still, sometimes I feel like

[ man ] if there's any way you could hear me, Kurt buddy,

[ man's voice ] hey, son, I didn't hear you come in.

[ McNamara ] look.

[ McNamara ] Veronica ?

[ McNamara ] what a waste.

[ mom ] terrible thing.

[ mom ] Veronica, dinner !

[ mourners ] amen.

[ mumbling ]

[ objects clatter ]

[ radio static ] Milner, can you hear me ? What's going down ?

[ screaming ]

[ sighs ]

[ sighs ]

[ sighs ] I liked my mother.

[ sighs ] I've seen J.D.'s way.

[ sighs ] yeah, well, I guess I picked the wrong time to be a human being.

[ sparse laughter ]

[ twigs snapping ] I heard something out there.

[ Veronica ] Heather told everyone about Heather.

[ Veronica ] morning, Heather.

[ Veronica ] no way. He used blanks.

[ Veronica ] that thing this afternoon.

[ vomiting, coughing ]

[ woman ] the Westerberg suicides were tough on all of us.

[ yelling ]

[ yelling ] [ whistles ]