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The Money Pit (1986) The Money Pit is a comedy film released in 1986 that tells the hilarious story of Walter (played by )

The Money Pit (1986)

The Money Pit is a comedy film released in 1986 that tells the hilarious story of Walter (played by ) and Anna (played by Shelley Long), a couple who purchase a seemingly perfect dream home, only to discover it slowly crumbling into a never-ending renovation nightmare. Directed by Richard Benjamin, this film takes the audience on a rollercoaster ride of mishaps, escalating costs, and outrageous situations as the house continuously falls apart. With its witty screenplay and charming performances by Hanks and Long, The Money Pit remains a beloved classic in the genre. If you want to relive the laughs, you can watch or download this movie for a delightful evening here.

A bribe? Sure. Can you be here in a half an hour?
A few of the Maestro's things. He moves back in today, you know.
A gardener? No, no. I could handle this. This'd be a piece of cake.
A little care, a little imagination...
A little house in the suburbs, a white picket fence...
A little imagination, and it's gonna be great!
A little work, a little care...
A staircase! We have stairs!
A while ago I thought the Care Bears were here!
About what?
Actually more, because I had to put up with you!
Actually, it was a little special.
Actually, it's a little overdone for my taste.
Actually, what I'm saying is...
After 25 years...
All my personal things are still in this one.
All right. I'm sorry.
All right. Then just go to bed with me.
All right. You've got five minutes.
All you want to talk about is money. Let's talk about love and sex.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.
Amazing, nothing. It'll be a regular miracle!
An attractive woman. He didn't know who you were.
And a positive attitude.
And apparently I, um... slept with him.
And get the hell away from each other!
And I don't want to drag you down with me. Save yourself while there's still time.
And I love you.
And I put on the Bob Hope Desert Classic from Palm Springs.
And I'm bathing it in this mixture.
And I'm working my way to the drum section.
And if that's okay, then everything else can be fixed.
And if they do, I can't pay for it!
And it's very hush hush. Top secret.
And just to round it out... a wife. Will you marry me?
And new, and at the same time older and wiser.
And on goes some nice brandy. Let it bubble up well...
And on goes some nice brandy. Let it bubble up well...
And right next to it is this little short line with only two guys on it.
And that's you. I've known that for a long time.
And the idea of going back to that house, alone...
And the police will come every night. I love you.
And then dip it into your flames...
And then one day...
And those of you whose consciences match your talents...
And thrown her away. I've lost her too.
And we're not going to, not with your attitude!
And you get on this line that reaches to Spain.
And you want me to move out because you've got the hots for Max?
And you will hang for it.
And you'll believe in me? You'll understand?
And you'll get it all back! I told you that!
And, uh, guess what.
Anna
Anna Anna, bo banna
Anna, I have learned that my life is meaningless without you.
Anna? Anna, darling!
Apparently I went to his apartment, I got drunk...
Are you all right?
Are you going to spend the night here?
Are you gonna let her do that? Are you gonna let my mother clean that carpet?
Are you hot? Can I take your life?
Are you in there, Fielding?
Are you jealous of Max?
Are you serious?
Art Shirk. I'm the carpenter.
Auf wiedersehen...
Because I'm standing in a pile of rubble and we don't have the permits to un rubble it.
Because it underestimates me.
Because it would kill him to hear that.
Because now I know how much I really love you.
Benny?
Besides, I think he's got a brother who's a plumber.
Boat has docked. He's here, you're out.
Borrow some bus fare. Or we could hitchhike!
Brad is the executive plumber. We do all the work.
Brad, Brad, bo rad Banana fanna
But check your records, make sure we agree.
But don't you want to hear it back?
But I can't live this life of shame much longer.
But I wanna put the past behind us and begin again fresh...
But I'll get over it because I am shallow and self centered.
But if you did it and didn't tell me, that would really bother me.
But it, uh, it turned out.
But last week we were watching
But she sold six million records last year.
But the house is beautiful.
But those boys are work animals. Well, everything looks pretty well under control.
But we'll be back when you get your permits.
But why do we need a piece of paper from the state of New York?
But you don't get on that line, 'cause you think something must be wrong with it...
But you haven't even looked at my pipes.
But you, you won't because you are complex.
By the way, you have the most beautifully kept pool I've ever seen.
Calm down. You were a little looped. You sang a few songs.
Can we knock this off and go to sleep?
Can we talk about this in the morning? I'm so tired.
Carlos and I were very happy here.
Carlos is from Asuncion.
Carlos, come on!
Cash? No problem.
Come on, everybody
Commitment.
Could be great.
Could you send up some water?
Couldn't you at least hang the door? I've got enough cash for that.
Depends on how you're gonna raise the money.
Did you hear that?
Did you?
Did you?
Did you?
Didn't you ask him? What's the matter, I gotta pay you to think?
Do we have to talk about it? Can't we just put this behind us?
Do you know how hard it is to find a really good carpenter?
Do you know how hard it is to find a really good carpenter?
Do you like it? I'll throw it in if you buy the house.
Don't be ridiculous. He's not even a musician.
Don't be so conventional.
Don't forget to get the water.
Don't rip off my shoes and kiss my feet!
Don't take off your coat. Forget it. You are not calling yourselves "Meryl Streep."
Don't they have any laws in Brazil? Don't they have any police?
Drive to his office and kiss his ass.
Drugs, sudden death.
Duck l'orange.
Either that or the intense pain.
Even if you're rich. And we're broke!
Everything's gonna be fixed.
Excuse the way the place looks.
Fabulous car!
Farm animals, or geese and chickens...
Fielding. Walter Fielding.
Figures.
Filters...
Fine!
Fine! Get out!
Fine.
For example, that you'd spent last night with Max...
For the bloodsucking lawyers.
For you to be without me and unhappy...
Forget love, let's just talk about sex.
Four months since I got those permits. They're not even half done.
Four months.
Four years of law school, law review.
Get to work!
Go stuff yourselves.
God knows what a season under the heavy hand...
Goddam bloodsucking lawyers are bleeding me dry.
Good day.
Good Lord!
Good morning.
Good news? When you hear what I got for you, just remember:
Good night, hon.
Good night.
Great!
Great! Great!
Great.
Great.
Happiest moments of my life since we left Paraguay...
Hasta pronto, if you know what I mean.
Have been spent right here in this room.
Haven't got the right materials. Wood's rotten.
Haven't I gotten the water every morning for four months?
He couldn't forgive me, and I can't forgive him for that.
He goes friggin' nuts!
He has problems because he has a father like me.
He just told me he wants to see you. Sorry, Benny.
He never eats.
He steals the money, I get the bills. Dad, why did you do this to me?
He was supposed to bring me a bucket of water.
He was, and now he's back, and you're out!
He, who last year alone sold 22 million records.
He's lost a wonderful woman, and I know what that's like.
Hello?
Hello. Yes.
Hello... Hello! Hello! I'm here!
Help!
Here he comes!
Here it is, nearly 11:30. You must be parched.
Here you go.
Here! Here she...
Hey Walter, you want this room painted blue?
Hey, buddy, did you really buy this house?
Hey, come on! Wait a minute, fellas, there's a lady inside there.
Hey, keep it brief. I got a chick waiting in the Jacuzzi.
Hey, take a chance.
Hey, watch what you say about my mother, now!
Hey, what the...?
Hi, this is Julia Child with a tip on making crepes Suzette...
Hi!
Hi! You must be Mr. Fielding.
Hi.
Hold it, fellas. Just a second. There's a woman inside there.
Hold it! Come on!
Hold it.
How can he have problems with a father like you?
How do I look in this?
How long will it take to put this place together?
How much do I make a year?
How, exactly, would you define "haggling"?
How...?
How's that?
Hurry, don't let it ring again.
I am happy too.
I am not walking out on him. I am in love with him. Not you, him.
I am sure I did not wash your hair!
I bet ya I can make a rhyme
I can hear you in there laughing at me.
I can see that my presence here could be construed as in poor taste.
I can't. I've tried, but I love Walter Fielding.
I did one other thing:
I didn't expect that water. It had legs.
I didn't sleep very well.
I didn't sleep with him.
I didn't.
I do know how to light an oven.
I do trust you. I just want you to tell me the truth.
I do.
I don't care.
I don't know who you are!
I don't know, Walter. I've never been any good at that kind of thing.
I don't know.
I don't know. It's revolting.
I don't know. You tell me.
I don't say I have an appointment, I have an appointment!
I don't think that can hurt us any more.
I don't wanna talk about money or the house any more tonight.
I don't want the money! This is my house, and I'm not moving!
I feel much better.
I got on the short line once. It was for farm vehicles.
I gotta get some food right now!
I guess I sang a few songs...
I guess it's having just thrown $200,000 into the toilet.
I guess that's the door.
I hate being like this. I'm a disaster.
I have to talk to you.
I have worked and slaved and suffered for this house every bit as much as you have!
I hope you choke.
I hope you don't mind.
I just thought she was good lookin' wool.
I just want to relax in a nice lukewarm bath.
I just want you to be honest with me. I can take anything except lies.
I know I shouldn't be telling you this.
I know we made a mess of things before...
I know where the bucket is. You don't have to tell me where the bucket is.
I know, but he's supposed to be a really good carpenter.
I know. I'm just cranky.
I know. Somethin' must be wrong.
I lied to you about Max.
I like the kissing part.
I looked at them three years ago. You figure they've improved with age?
I love this house!
I love you too, but I did not sleep with Max last night.
I love you very much.
I love you, Walter. I love you.
I love you.
I love you. It's okay. Everything's okay.
I may not ask you.
I mean, he was very pleased with himself.
I mean, I'm not some meat head chauvinist provincial.
I need new plumbing. I need new appliances. A new staircase, Max.
I never want to see you again!
I promise.
I really let it go to hell since Carlos left.
I said I was sorry.
I said let's play a game
I started again two weeks ago. Can I have the damn cigarette?
I still can't get used to the idea of having hot water whenever we want it.
I sunk every nickel I had in the world in this house!
I think I'm going to start dinner. The house is gonna be great.
I think I'm going to start dinner. The house is gonna be great.
I think it's lovely.
I think that's a swell idea.
I thought he wasn't coming back until next week.
I thought jogging was getting you in better shape.
I used to hate you. Now I hate Walter.
I wanna ask you something. You're a lawyer, right?
I wanna talk.
I want this house. I need this house.
I want you to loan me $200,000 in cash.
I wanted you back, and I truly thought I could make you happy this time.
I wasn't drunk, I was insane!
I wish I had a hundred more like him.
I wondered why you did this. I know you never liked it.
I wouldn't give lectures on the value of promises!
I'd better get packed myself.
I'd have to study it, but I'd say you got a great case against Bob Hope.
I'd help you with that, but somebody stepped on all my fingers.
I'd sell it cheap. I need all the money I can get.
I'll even go to SoHo. I looked at a loft there a few years ago.
I'll get it myself. I'll use my new stairs.
I'll get my bags
I'll get you your money back!
I'll not like you any more!
I'll pack a bag for you and send the rest later!
I'll sell him everything I got in the divorce.
I'll sell it to you for 75.
I'm a conventional kind of guy.
I'm a menace to anything I touch.
I'm a quitter, and I'm not ready to quit yet.
I'm already packed.
I'm awfully sorry.
I'm desperate. Can we close?
I'm going to have to do a lot of lying.
I'm gonna share this bath with you because I can't do this a second time.
I'm in the den. I swear it! Please believe me.
I'm just going away someplace.
I'm late for my next job.
I'm mad, and I'm getting madder.
I'm not crazy about the idea of you sleeping with him...
I'm not lying! I haven't tried everybody yet.
I'm not payin' you guys to stand around. You wanna get to work?
I'm not saying anything.
I'm not telling you anything! Now or ever again!
I'm putting in half the money, or I'm not going in.
I'm right here...
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Where should we start?
I'm sure it does. You've never passed a bar in your life.
I'm sure you feel the same.
I'm taking a crepe...
I'm tearing up your permit!
I'm trying to save a few bucks on the lights...
I'm very jealous of Max.
I'm worried, Jack. I'm very worried.
I'm... Look, I'm very sorry I wasn't here this afternoon.
I've always done it myself, but you could hire a gardener.
I've got some papers! The band has to sign these!
I've had it with you, the house, Max, the orchestra and everything!
I've just given our last $5,000 our last 5,000 borrowed dollars
I've lost many. You must hate me.
If I came on a little strong, I'm sorry, okay?
If this is his apartment, we'll get out.
If we can't be honest with each other, what else have we got?
If we do this, we do it together.
If you don't mind...
If you fall, land on the mattress.
If you know what I mean.
In a word, no. The only good part of our divorce was...
In clean glasses.
In debt beyond my wildest dreams... I love the house.
In fact, considering your act, I think I can guarantee a giant lawsuit.
In spite of the prospect of indentured servitude for the rest of my life...
In spite of the way you've played.
In the pan I have a mixture of sugar, butter...
Is it me? Ha! Is it me?
Is Mr. Shrapp in? Mr. Shrapp. Walter Fielding.
Is no guarantee that they'll show up to do the work.
Is such a waste. You are making me sad.
Isn't Jack in jail?
Israeli Intelligence comes to the door.
Israeli Intelligence?
It happens all the time.
It turns out, Carlos was Hitler's pool man.
It was $350 a month. It's probably gone up, but...
It's a big house! We'll divide it up!
It's a great pleasure to be back with you again.
It's a pity that son of a bitch isn't alive...
It's a very nice house, and the price is reasonable.
It's all over now. The living room's in here.
It's called "on time."
It's certainly a lot better than your check!
It's gonna be fun fixing it up. You'll see.
It's happening, honey.
It's him you're talking about, isn't it? The lunatic is back.
It's just that we've been so happy lately.
It's just that...
It's no problem. Could you just give us a few minutes alone?
It's not my place any more.
It's only proved to me how much I love you.
It's only the first day. You're not gonna give up on it already!
It's the best that miserable symphony has ever sounded.
It's the only one I've got. Who wants it?
It's... beautiful.
Jack can help us.
Jack was right. We can't lose.
Jack, are you all right?
Jack's a perfectly legitimate real estate agent.
Jimmy!
Jimmy!
Jog with me, Wally. I don't wanna break my rhythm.
Just a little dinner, some dancing.
Just as soon as your check clears.
Just because he's rich, famous, good looking, brilliant...
Just because they showed up to collect the money...
Just give me a call when you get there.
Just give me a little more time.
Just stay where you are. I fell for that one before.
Just stop! I've got some things I can sell.
Last night you said you loved me, that we would be together the rest of our lives.
Last night you were the animal I remember.
Last Tuesday. That's why I've gotta sell the house.
Last year my father was hit in the head by a golf ball.
Let us assess the damage...
Let's just pack it in, then.
Let's not go there again.
Let's not talk about it.
Let's try Brad!
Life is good.
Listen, if you want any of the furniture, it's all for sale.
Listen, Walter, I gotta take a call.
Little problem in the kitchen. Nothing trivial.
Look, I don't wanna cause trouble.
Look, I gotta get up early tomorrow and go see Benny.
Look, Mom, we're real busy here. Why don't you go watch TV?
Look, this is an old house. It's gonna need some work. You've gotta expect that.
Look.
Lucky guy.
Maestro is back!
Many people aren't.
Martha, in this country we have an expression for almost late.
Max took us.
Max, I'm desperate. I need money.
Max, it's over for us. Over.
Maybe a dog, 2.4 kids...
Maybe we can live here all together.
Maybe we shouldn't press our luck.
Maybe we shouldn't press our luck.
Meet me at the jogging track at 1:00. You won't recognize me. I'm so thin!
Mein wife.
Mr. Shrapp, let's be adults about this.
Mrs. Fielding, don't worry about a thing!
My brother Art recommended you. I don't usually take jobs in this area.
My chest is constricted. I can't shout.
My darling...
My father, not Bob Hope.
My girlfriend's ex husband returned from Europe today.
MY Shoe!
My wife was poisoned and taken to the hospital.
Neither do I. We could just skip town...
New floors, new tiles, new fixtures in the bathroom.
Next month I'm gonna run in a 1 K.
No way! You hear me? No way!
No wonder you've been turned down by every plumber in the valley.
No, and I don't care. I'm just thrilled to see somebody actually working.
No, I don't.
No, I'm not all right. Not at all.
No, if there's something wrong with it it's your fault...
No, it's not. Now tomorrow I've got to take off work...
No, no. I get those calls two or three times a week.
No, no. I would've noticed.
No, she did not throw my ass out!
No, this wasn't an easy one...
No, we have to get out of his place now. It's an uncomfortable situation.
No, you had your chance, man. This is between me and Duke.
No, you weren't.
No, you're not. I was just in there.
No, you're not. I'm not gonna let you.
No,don%!
No!
No?
No?
No.
No.
No.
No.
No. No, he got off with a small fine.
No. No. It's okay.
No. You love me, and I love you.
No. You?
Not again!
Not my shoe!
Not telling me assumes I'm incapable of understanding why you did it.
Not that you did it. Had you done it.
Nothing, dear.
Now, he seemed okay...
Now, I figure that cancels out half my father's debt...
Now, what was over there?
Of course I will. I love you.
Of course, we can't go back to the Four Seasons again.
Of Haydn's Surprise Symphony ever.
Of my esteemed colleague has wrought.
Oh, beautiful! You look beautiful in everything.
Oh, can I unplug...
Oh, God.
Oh, God. Oh, God!
Oh, he was, but you or your wife weren't here to meet him.
Oh, hello, Mr. Stairs. I've missed you.
Oh, hi there.
Oh, honey! It's so beautiful.
Oh, I can't believe I'm gonna do this. It's so stupid.
Oh, I love you too.
Oh, I trust you.
Oh, I'd get her out.
Oh, it wasn't your fault. It was my fault. I was weak.
Oh, it's all right. You'll have plenty of opportunities to make it up to us.
Oh, laughing...
Oh, man. Now I gotta go flush out my paint sprayer.
Oh, maybe a minute, maybe an hour. But he will come.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! You're still here?
Oh, my God.
Oh, saving the good scotch for the company, are we?
Oh, that sounds stupid too, but it's true.
Oh, that's a bummer, I know.
Oh, this is perfect! Guess who suddenly turns into the injured party!
Oh, Walter. Yeah!
Oh, well, thank you very much. I'm not completely helpless in the kitchen.
Oh, well, that makes everything better. Walter, how are ya?
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm sorry.
Oh, yes. We did.
Oh, yes. Yes, I am.
Oh, you're mad! What do you think I am?
Oh. All right. I'm sorry. Look, guys...
Oh. Sure.
Oh. That!
Oh. Well, I'll get to that later. I only got two hands.
Oh. You know you're almost out of birth control pills?
Okay, Fielding!
Okay, okay, I'll buy it. I'll give you the money.
Okay, we promised never to come to your place again, but this is a major crisis.
Okay, we'll stick it out until the house is finished.
Okay, you've seen me. Is that it, or do you wanna talk too?
Okay? Are you all right?
Okay.
Okay. So let's be nice to each other. We're all we've got.
Okay. So the plumbing's not perfect. We'll get it fixed.
One bad experience, that's all. You just had one bad experience.
Or at least he...
Otherwise everybody else would be on it, so you waste three hours.
Our old place.
Out of anybody's name
Over here!
P.S.: Give my best to the Cheap Girls. They were my favorite."
Paint, don't tickle.
Party's over for you guys. You'll have to go home.
People slip up. Christ, I understand that.
Plastering, landscaping, painting.
Please, you gotta help me!
Prep school.
Really?
Really?
Really? That's all? When do you think you could start?
Really? Uh, please tell me you didn't pay.
Really. I'm glad you slept with him...
Reasonable? It's a steal.
Said he'd be back when you grow udders and get milked.
Save yourself.
Say yes!
Seven times in the past five months.
She didn't say nothin' about being married.
She's not nervous. I'm nervous!
Shirk Brothers'll give you a million for it tomorrow.
Smooth strokes.
So do I.
So forget you were up here and forget you saw any of this.
So he kicks in the friggin' TV screen. Now...
So is the kitchen.
So you called my office. Do you have some good news for me?
SoHo, 350 a month. Let's see, Eisenhower was president, right?
Some girl called. Said she'd taken a lot of pills...
Somebody just came in our front door.
Sometimes it amazes me you ever passed the bar.
Son of a bitch!
Sorry...
Suffered and put myself in hock up to my eyes...
Sure, I understand. Have a nice day.
Sure.
Sweetheart, I could really use some water.
Taking what? There's nothing to take.
Talk this over with Walter, and you'll see.
Thank God it's you! Thank God!
Thank God.
Thank you, James.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you. That's very nice of you.
Thanks to the jogging, now I can lift him into the ambulance.
Thanks very much. Keep the change.
Thanks, man.
That I would hope that if there was something for you to tell me...
That I would hope that if there was something for you to tell me...
That is such a dumb idea.
That it seemed to make you happy.
That it would be okay for you to tell me.
That was not so bad.
That way you can save your energy for more worthwhile causes.
That you would tell me...
That's all wood... What do you mean, "like the hallway"?
That's all?
That's it. One more! One more! Hold it!
That's my boy.
That's my wife!
That's nice.
That's okay. I figure she threw his ass out.
That's the basis of real estate. Have we got a deal?
That's two out of three. Art's calling his brother.
The bucket's in the hall.
The burners. I haven't tried them yet.
The burners. I haven't tried them yet.
The ceiling. Seems to be coming down in the bedroom.
The floor just needs a little polish. The bedroom's up here.
The plasterer came?
The point is: You get to capitalize on a fellow human being's misfortune.
The secret is not to, uh, look down.
The stairs. It began right there and it curved all the way...
The Surgeon General's warning should be tattooed across my forehead.
The train is coming, right when we decided to buy the house!
The union forces me to allow you to go to lunch...
The water! I know. I'm getting it.
Then we'll sell it, get our money back...
Then you got your gravel piles, your sand piles, your scrap piles.
There is a house I want to buy.
There isn't any time. Extradition is Friday.
There! Nobody laughs at Montgomery Shrapp!
There's a lot of grounds, but the maintenance isn't too bad.
There's a tricky step. I keep meaning to fix it.
There's no plumbing in that wall.
There's no reason why you should've heard of me.
They bought it! All right, gang! Way to go!
They completely ripped up our house!
They found him in the park throwing bread crumbs at himself.
They ripped the guts out of it! They're work animals, I'm telling you!
They said two weeks for the whole job.
They sure as hell did, didn't they?
They're used to people stealin' from 'em. This is only gonna confuse 'em.
They've got too much money now as it is.
This animal attacked me! I didn't say anything about anything.
This is a conservative club.
This is a nightmare.
This is it, you duck fart! I'm leaving, and I'm never coming back!
This is it! Everything's breaking for us!
This is New York City. It takes months to find a place...
This is ridiculous! You don't even like this house!
This is the short line in Motor Vehicles.
This is turning out to be a pretty good day.
This is where it all started to...
Those that will actually come out here are so expensive, I can't talk about it.
Though I wouldn't recommend it. Are there any living things in there?
To the Shirks.
Too late to put it back together, isn't it?
Turn to crap.
Twelve year old scotch.
Two weeks.
Uh, how much do you make a year?
Uh, Jack, could you sweat the other way, please?
Wait!
Wait. Wait. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Walter and I are through. I hate us both.
Walter Fielding!
Walter, brighten up. I hate seeing you like this.
Walter, can you get your hands on $200,000 by close of business Friday?
Walter, do you want to tell me what you're saying?
Walter!
Walter!
Walter?
Walter?
Walter. Walter!
Walter...
Walter...
Walter's in Philadelphia...
Watch it! Watch it!
Water?
We both knew he was coming back.
We bought into, and I sold off the Tucson property.
We can take off and you can call us when he gets here.
We got off to a late start because I was haggling with Max over the painting.
We had just done probably the finest performance...
We have stairs!
We have very weak trees.
We haven't got all day! Let's go!
We need this house.
We trust you, Walter. We need your advice.
We wanna call ourselves "Meryl Streep."
We weren't? Anna's not here?
We won't be coming to New York for the 2.9 million reasons...
We'll have a fire. Hwang will make anything you want for dinner.
We'll think of somethin'. Who cares?
We're a little busy today, Walter, tryin' to build a house.
We're doomed, homeless, penniless. Doomed.
We're going through a rough time. Let's remember not to take it out on each other.
We're just about to get started. You're free to watch if you want.
We're laughing...
Weasel. Cash.
Well, folks, I guess this is hasta "so long a."
Well, I care, but not enough for us to be apart.
Well, I did.
Well, I know you weren't here last night because I called.
Well, I like a good conversation as well as anybody, but I gotta run.
Well, I think that we'd like to decorate it ourselves.
Well, I'll just put it on the bannister here.
Well, I'm glad it wasn't anything special.
Well, if he ever does come back, you call me and we'll finish the job.
Well, it's amazing. What about the... What do you call these?
Well, let me see. If I sell everything I own, maybe I can buy you lunch.
Well, let's go see.
Well, my girlfr... My wife. What the hell.
Well, okay. If that's what you want.
Well, thanks to that fall we're now the same height.
Well, that was fast.
Well, that's if they show up.
Well, the turkey's done.
Well, then, that's the end of it.
Well, then, you stay here, because I'm leaving!
Well, this is it.
Well, uh, two weeks. It's... It's amazing.
Well, we need a little time to...
Well, what would cut any ice with you?
Well?
What about this?
What are we gonna do?
What are you doing?
What are you doing? He tried...
What did I say?
What did I say?
What happened? What did we do?
What happened? Your old lady kick you out?
What have I done?
What have we done? Oh, my God!
What is it? What's the matter?
What you do? You stayed in bed all the time? Didn't look for apartment?
What?
What?
What? Wait a minute! We haven't even talked about the plumbing yet!
What's that on your face?
What's the matter?
When I didn't think we'd ever be able to put this baby back up.
When I do get the permits, how long will the job take?
Where are you gonna get your half?
Where have you been? You're almost late.
Where is the guy's number? The permit man.
Which reminds me:
Who are we talking about? Who is this guy? Who are you?
Who are you anyway?
Who knows? A divorce, loan sharks...
Who the hell are you?
Why don't I talk to him.
Why not?
Why would somebody sell a million dollar house for 200,000?
Will you stop fooling around, Walter? I'm tired.
Will you stop saying that?
With the Haydn, from the beginning.
Without changing my plea, I would like to know why.
Won't hold a screw.
Would you get the rest of the water, okay?
Would you use the one downstairs?
Write me a check quick, before I come to my senses. Five grand.
Yale. Phi Beta Kappa.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah, I'm awake. What is it?
Yeah, if we can peel the rind off it.
Yeah, right!
Yeah, that's much better.
Yeah! I'm here.
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah...
Yes, I did.
Yes, with the Marine Corps Band. I'm starting with the brass...
Yes, you will! I saved you ten times that in taxes last year!
Yes!
Yes. We're having some problems with our plumbing, and I was...
Yes...
You are more than aware of. Love, Dad.
You are so much less attractive when I'm sober.
You asked for an apartment? Something nice, yet affordable?
You buy or not?
You can count it if you like, but you'll find it's all there.
You can have a hot bath.
You can't go into it with that kind of attitude. You've gotta be more positive.
You can't just quit.
You could've been killed! We could've all died!
You didn't even... Well, I'm not tryin' to tell you your business...
You don't have to worry about that.
You don't understand. I have to get away from here.
You don't want to tell me what happened?
You go to Motor Vehicles to get your license renewed...
You have my congratulations, and you may go home!
You hear about that guy up in the Bronx, went crazy, thought he was a pigeon?
You know Maestro. He surprise you.
You know what this is?
You know, just between us, there were a couple of times...
You know, usually a woman calls a carpenter, she's lookin' for the old "hammer and nail."
You lived in Paraguay?
You look great. Got a date?
You love that painting. That's the only reason I took it.
You love you. I love Walter.
You made what up, Max?
You need a nice flaming set up. I've got a heat source there.
You say you have an appointment?
You seem a little tense.
You should see the... I guess it's the water.
You slept in the bedroom. I slept in the living room.
You slept with Max, and I don't care.
You sound like a parakeet. "Two weeks? Two weeks?"
You stay in your half, I'll stay in mine!
You testin' missiles here, or what?
You think you know somebody...
You want me to tell you the truth, no matter how much it hurts.
You washed my hair. I didn't forget that.
You whore!
You will suffer terrible anguish for the rest of your life.
You won't hold it against me? You can forgive me?
You'd better let me off here. I don't think you can make it up the driveway.
You'll get over it. You'll come back to me.
You'll have no trouble selling this place, that's for sure.
You'll what, huh? You'll what?
You're doin' great.
You're gonna have to make an honest man of me.
You're just going to have to trust me.
You're just going to walk out on him without saying anything?
You're not going to die. I'm holding the ladder.
You're not lookin' at a charity case here.
You're right. If you had to work, you had to work.
You're right. The house is gonna be great.
You're right. You're right.
You're telling me this like I haven't been here.
You're up bright and early.
You've done nothing but complain about it since we got here!
You've spent years and a fortune to make your name a household word.
You've taken a woman who loves you, one of the great women on the face of this Earth...
Your number came up in the drawing this morning.
Your shoulders are up over your ears.
Yours is fine!
"New mom." How old is that girl? Good morning, Walter.
"Walter"? What Walter? Oh, Max, you know exactly what Walter.
A roof. Too middle class. Stop.
Alka Seltzer. Just a minute.
An hour away from everyone. How about "Debbie Reynolds"?
And I don't mean... Yeah, I know what you mean.
Animals! Animals...
Any idea when you're going to be finished here? Two weeks.
Are you all right? Don't I look all right?
Are you all right? Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
Are you awake? Yeah!
Are you happy with that one? I am not unhappy with it.
Because I like you better than I like them. But they're your sister and your brothers!
Can I speak frankly? Anything's possible.
Can we do that? No.
Come on, we're gonna go see a house. A house? Where?
Did you get the water? We have stairs!
Do I ever forget the water? Don't do this. Walter, Walter, Walter!
Do you have a cigarette? I'm sorry.
Do you think I should sleep with him? Maybe just this once.
Don't let go of the ladder! I wasn't really holding it, anyway.
Don't you trust me? It's not that.
Extradition? I'll tell you later.
Five grand... Five thousand dollars? That's just a deposit.
From both of you. You are leaving the symphony?
Get out of my life, would you? Don't touch me, pig!
Great! Hey, I'm sorry about that.
Has this ever happened before? Yeah.
Have you got a cigarette? You stopped smoking five years ago!
Have you seen Mr. Fielding? Fielding?
He tried to attack me. He just thought you were good lookin' wool.
Hey! Let go of her! Stop it!
Hi, Mr. Fielding. Hello.
Hi! Come on in. Thank you.
How long has this been going on? You chauvinist meat head!
How long have you been doing this, Jack? Oh, six months. It's great.
How's it going? Fine.
I didn't realize how big a jerk I was until last night. Neither did I.
I don't have any references. I just... Somebody here call a carpenter?
I don't know actually. Do you wanna buy the bed?
I don't mean to be questioning you... They were willing to take it!
I don't need shoes! Come back to me...
I don't remember the crepe Suzettes. You don't remember the piano?
I don't wanna hear any more. It was incredible. Better than Zurich.
I got a bed, lady. Get the hell outta here! This is private!
I love you. I love you.
I made a nice pot roast. Don't mention that either.
I mean, what's he got that I haven't got? Walls.
I need an answer by close of business tomorrow. Oh, you'll have it.
I think I know how. I know you know how.
I think we should call the police. Hey, let's not get nuts here.
I thought I had a year. You did, but year has come and gone.
I thought you'd give me an argument. If I had any money, I would.
I was just lighting the oven. Just lighting...
I... I think so. You know...
I'm glad you can make an exception. Let's not get ahead of ourselves, okay?
I'm going to help you. Do you have a gun?
I'm not dressed for a restaurant. My place.
I'm not sure it's us. It is.
I'm not the one screwing around! "Just be honest with me."
I'm not the one screwing around! "Just be honest with me."
I'm sorry, Walter. No, no, no. It's not your fault.
I'm talking to him, he won't answer me. When is he coming here?
In Cincinnati... Walter?
Is everything out? Yeah.
Is that all? No. No. I'm jealous.
It does? Well, not to the layman's eyes, of course.
It is. Yeah.
It was beautiful, Max. Better than Szell's version?
It was better. Thank you.
It was duck for dinner. Right? Followed by crepe Suzettes.
It's beautiful, Curly. It is, really.
It's not the end of the world. You didn't see that water!
Last night. Where did you eat? Oh, the Four Seasons.
Let's just finish this thing right here and now! Fine.
Like in the hallway? Blue? No!
Look, Walter, enough is enough. I'm right here!
Lying. What?
Maybe she'll be flattered. No.
Maybe we can clear this up. Clear this up?
Maybe we can clear this up. Clear this up?
Morning, James. Morning!
No water. We've got gas and electricity, though.
No water. We've got gas and electricity, though.
No! Do you realize what you've done?
No! I'm hopelessly addicted.
No! You don't remember any of this?
No. Under the piano?
No. No, that's not a ******* name. You're kidding, right?
No. Tell him the truth. I'll lose him.
No... I can't give him up.
Nothing can be this easy. Sure it can.
Oh, Max. Tell Walter the truth.
Oh, my God. What's wrong?
Oh, South of France, I think. Shouldn't he be here?
Oh, Walter! The stairs are out!
Oh, why did you say that? Look down? It's a secret.
Oh, you're cute when you're mad. I'm serious. Get away from me.
Okay. Okay.
Only, please, God, stop! Thank you, Max.
Say, Curly? Yo!
Sex would have been a miracle. Oh, Max!
She really sounds bad. I think she sounds awful...
So what? Benny, if you don't loan me that money, I'll...
So, what'd you do last night? Oh, nothing much.
So, why did rehearsal run so long? That was my fault.
Sometimes you can be very sweet. I know.
Thank God you're here, honey! Is that you?
Thank goodness it's not that often. All right, that's it!
Thanks, Benny. Don't mention it.
That can be arranged. I'm not going to bed with you.
That doesn't sound good. No.
That painting doesn't interest me. Yes, it does.
That's a long time. Yeah. Yeah...
That's right. Did you tell Walter what happened between us?
That's terrific. Everything's gonna be wonderful.
That's what I thought. Alka Seltzer. Here you go.
The Beatles? The entire catalogue.
The hallway. Blue, right? I want nothing blue. Nothing!
The house is gonna be great. Perfect.
The permit man was here. Oh, that's good.
The plumbers. Are you sure?
They don't make 'em like this any more. It's a beauty.
They testin' missiles here? That's right, buddy, we are.
This can't be it. It's the address.
This is great! Fabulous.
Two weeks. Two weeks? Two weeks?
Very pretty, your new mom. We used to be a respectable law firm.
Wally, will you listen to me? Not if you keep calling me Wally.
Walter! Hey, how are ya?
Walter! Upstairs!
Walter! Walter?
Walter! Well, this is an unexpected revulsion.
Walter... This step. This was our step.
Wanna see the refrigerator? No.
We want to change the name of the band. You can't do that!
We work today! That's great...! Where is Brad?
We're not going to sell it. The land, at least, has got to be worth something.
Well, as long as we're together... nothing bad can happen.
Well, maybe we should stop. No, no, no. These things are unreliable.
Well, that must have been some performance. It was.
Well, you could offer me a drink. I don't know where my manners are.
What a beautiful bed! Could I use your bathroom?
What about your half? I'm goin' straight to the top on this one:
What are you doing here? You missed a rehearsal.
What do you mean "no"? Why not? I love Walter.
What do you mean by that? I thought that was my question.
What else? You don't remember?
What happened? It was no picnic...
What is it? Well, it's the Roy Rogers restaurants...
What is that? Oh, it's nothing. It's a pulse alarm.
What kind of thing? Work.
What the hell does he want? I don't know.
What the hell was that? All I did was turn on the water.
What? I made it up.
What? It's a lemon, honey, let's face it.
What's it called again? It's a Lincoln.
When are you going to tell Walter? Never!
Where are you? I'm in the den.
Where do you think you're going? Someplace where you're not!
Where? In the floor, behind the chair.
Why did we ever get divorced? So we could look better, for one reason.
Ya hear me, Fielding? Yes, I hear you!
Yeah. Benny himself?
Yeah. Don't know any Fieldings around here.
Yeah. Well, I guess I'll be going. Oh, wait a minute! Just wait a minute.
Yeah. Yeah. Who...? I'm from Shirk Brothers.
Yes, thank you. That's it.
Yes, you will. No, no, no!
Yes. And what did he say?
You are more beautiful than ever. Thank you. So are you.
You don't seem nervous. I'm not.
You Fielding? Right! You must be...
You mean this thing works? So far, so good.
You see Benny? What's your problem?
You shout at me? I shout at you!
You would tell me, wouldn't you? Walter...
You... bastard! That's right!
You're hysterical. How is Walter taking it?
You're leaving? Well, I ain't movin' in.
You're the one who's moving! I have worked and slaved...
Zurich? The police came.
"Dear Walter, wedding snap of me and your new mom.
"Exaggerating"? Honey, we're living in Swiss cheese with a door.
"Here lies Walter Fielding. He bought a house, and it killed him."
"I'll pay you back" will be written on your gravestone!
"Mozart"? Mozart is dead. His troubles are over. Help me!
"Shrapp"...?
"Tone"? My voice has no tone.
"Walter Fielding is dangerous to your health. Don't touch him."