Joe Dirt Edit

A girl like that's way out of your league. She wants my body.

A Hemi?

A little white trash treasure that you might know by the name of Joe Dirt.

A lot of kids would have been scared, but I was all tough about it.

A town is a place where everyone hates you. Kids all try to beat you up.

A wig?

About 360 bucks.

Actually, we got separated when I was eight.

Afraid so.

After one of those bastards snapped off my thumb and middle finger.

After that I spent some time with these people who worked on a farm.

All aberration radio, all the time.

All along, were dead.

All along, were dead.

All right, go ahead.

All right, man.

All right, we'll... We'll take a break.

All right, well, then, thank God for Joe Dirt.

All right, you might want to take a few extra steps back on this one.

All right!

All right! We didn't lose him.

All right. Good morning, troops.

All right. I want you to settle down. Don't make me call your probie officer here.

All right. So, finish your story. Now, why do you live with foster parents?

All right. Thanks, you guys.

All's I got to do is keep being a good person.

And "Life's a garden. Dig it."

And a car cover for any Dodge from '79 to '84.

And all the while maintained his positive outlook on life,

And cut open that gator and pulled my folks out of its belly.

And dressed in your Sunday best.

And everyone's gonna want you, but you want to be with me!

And fascinates me at the same time

And for God's sakes, I got to treat her like a sister.

And for that brief second, we were together again, kind of, you know?

And for the first time in my life, I think about not gettin' back up.

And get you a whaa burger and some French cries!

And he would draw them out like photographs.

And I decided it was time to go home.

And I don't think he wants to talk to you, Brandy.

And I don't wanna see you for another 25 years!

And I feel like I know where you live. I've got you in my crosshairs now.

And I guess a little bit of my brains was showing.

And I guess I'm just callin' to say goodbye.

And I remember my sister yelling it in my face when I was growing up.

And I wanna ask her why she was playin' these games with you.

And I wanna get her on the phone right now. I wanna track her down.

And I was getting ready to split that scene, and pronto.

And I'm gonna go... I don't wanna look. I'm sorry.

And I'm sorry I can't buy your beautiful Hemi.

And I've got to figure out a way to sell more fireworks.

And it looks like there's some meat in there.

And it'll blow up the whole city, maybe even half the country.

And it's always gonna be like this, Joey.

And it's amazing to me that you turned out like you did

And it's got Louisiana plates.

And just then, all the tumblers fell into place.

And looking way too much like Richard Ramirez.

And months went by, and he never came home.

And my mom came out too butch,

And no closer to findin' my parents.

And one day, you're gonna be Kicking Wing, animal doctor.

And remember that town you're always talking about.

And riddle me this.

And she goes, "Is this where you want to be when Jesus comes back?"

And she's just plain sick of you.

And she's off doin' her own thing right now,

And she's one of the hottest girls on the planet.

And tell me my story helped them somehow.

And tell me you don't have no Whistling Bungholes,

And that means washed under your fingernails and back of your ears

And that was the closest thing I ever had to a home.

And that's when things got a little weird.

And the answer for me was that I had a home all along,

And the next thing I knew, they were gone.

And the snail can talk?

And the stuff freezes and falls to earth.

And then I just can't help it.

And then it goes bang. All right?

And then you should change your name to Kicking Ass. I would.

And there I was, scared to death, as I dropped like a stone from the sky.

And they came and killed him.

And this door opened in my head, and all at once I understood everything.

And this goes on for years, until one night something amazing happened.

And this is our car.

And walking his dog, and all the time I'm thinking about

And was hopin' maybe I was lookin' at it, too?

And was there ever a time

And we were together.

And we will continue the... The fascinating saga

And what they paid was like a sign from above

And you are a complete loser.

And you can tell he's never even thought of that.

And you can't tell me, in all those pictures they took,

And you know why? 'Cause over the last few days,

And you remember to keep on keepin' on, man, and you'll be a veterinarian,

And your story is really cool.

And your story is really cool.

And, Joe, if you had stayed with them,

And, Joe, if you had stayed with them,

And, Joe, we have a big surprise for you.

And, yes, they are deadly. Don't kid yourself.

And, you know, the thing that drives me crazy

Anyway, I just put an "e" on it, pronounce it "Deer tay."

Anyway, that list had names from all over the state.

Anyway, the cops knew it wasn't a bomb right away.

Anyway, the cops knew it wasn't a bomb right away.

Are careening headlong into yet another hellish day

Are these queer? What's up? What's up?

Are you nuts, dude? You need stuff that explodes, go boom!

Are you okay, boy?

As my head cleared,

At least I know my car will blow his off the road!

August. I don't got this one.

Beautiful? I'm looking for "righteously kick ass."

Beautiful? I'm looking for "righteously kick ass."

Because Gert's asked me to marry him.

Because I wanted to tell Joe in person.

Besides, they won't just hand the records over to us.

Bob Seger? Be honest. Back then you were listening to Leif Garrett.

Boss, the phones are goin' nuts. That was a bombshell.

Brandy was starin' at that same moon.

Brandy, get your ass in the kitchen and fire up that stove.

Brandy, I got a hole in my heart. I don't know how to fix it.

Brandy, I...

Brandy, man. Well, she's too beautiful.

Brandy, what's that got to do with me? We're always gonna be buddies, right?

Brandy, wish I hadn't gotten the machine. It's me, Joe.

Brandy, you see that moon?

Brandy? My Brandy?

Brandy. Brandy is jive.

Brandy. I missed her like crazy,

Brandy's well manicured backyard in those cutoff shorts. Ouch!

Breakfast of champions.

Buffalo Bob, right?

But anyway, did you get the names you wanted?

But are you depressed? I mean, your parents, who you were looking for,

But I guess it wasn't no circus.

But I was flat broke. I didn't have no money for gas.

But I'm gonna pick it up this afternoon.

But I've always said she's a little too hot for old Joe Dirt.

But if a girl answers, her name's Brandy. Give her your info.

But it ain't gonna be no Hemi.

But just for laughs, let's see how much you're worth.

But maybe you'll find your wife in heaven.

But people say Joe Dirt's a weird name, and how cool am I?

But see, I don't know their last name.

But she didn't wanna tell you,

But something happened to my head.

But the more it rolled on down the road,

But the most important part is I'm comin' back to Silvertown.

But then, suddenly, while starin' up at the moon,

But this is the modern age.

But what if when you're gone some guy asks me to marry him, and you're not here?

But you really shouldn't make fun of my mom.

But, you know, until then, we're the people to see.

But, you know, you probably don't wanna hear all my problems.

But... But how exactly do you not go right back to the place

Butt lickin', flea lickin'

Buzz Bottles, Snicker Bombs, Church Burners, Finger Blasters,

By the way, I'm only doin' all of this

Can everybody get a shot of these?

Can I come, too?

Can I go again? Please?

Can I push him off my leg?

Can I say that?

Can we have my new friend Joe over for supper?

Can you be cool and let me just talk to him for a second here, man?

Can't a guy even take a dump in peace?

Carson, just where you wanna be when Jesus comes back?

Charlie had a little sexual encounter with this one's ma.

Charlie, you mangy mutt.

Charlie. Charlie, come here. Come here, Charlie.

Check for footprints?

Check this out, Robby.

Check this out. A '71 'Cuda,

Cherry Bombs, Nipsy Dazers, with or without the scooter stick,

Clem, a kid puked in the cafeteria again.

Clem, Charlene, Kicking Wing.

Clem, I didn't know you didn't wanna be on TV.

Clem, you asshole. Are you alive?

CNN's gonna turn around and go home now.

Come home, Joe, so I can take care of you.

Come on, boy!

Come on, boy! Come on!

Come on, Joe.

Come on, let's move it! Kick it in! Kick it in!

Come on.

Come on. I'll treat you to a Dairy Queen.

Come on. Rocky!

Come on. You're supposed to be good at tracking stuff, man.

Come over here! You don't have to follow him!

Competition orange, '67.

Corn off the cob.

Could be Fat Man, could be Little Boy. We'll nail that down later.

Dad?

Daddy, you been drinkin'.

Damn.

Damn. We tried so hard to find him. We looked high and low.

Dang!

Dang!

Dang! That's cool.

Dang! That's cool.

Dang! Yeah!

Dang.

Dang.

Dang.

Dang. It's out.

Dang. These are yours?

Did he hurt you, baby?

Did she ever track 'em down, and if she did, well, why couldn't she have called you?

Did she find your parents?

Did they die?

Did they get it? Where'd he go?

Did you get it? Yeah. Baby.

Did you kick their asses?

Do it again, I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron.

Do you have any idea what it's like to be a kid and have nobody around to talk to?

Do you see these clown figurines?

Don't ever forget it, Dirt.

Don't focus on the wrong part of the story, brother.

Don't forget to wipe your dirt.

Don't get smart with me, you motherless dirtbag!

Don't pull up.

Don't pull up.

Don't try and church it up, son. Don't you mean Joe Dirt?

Don't you get it, man? Stinky stuff is your milieu. Okay? This is your deal.

Dude, I'm just sayin' it's dull, all right?

Dude, you were eating off it.

Easy.

Enough, you broken record! Okay! I've been down here for two weeks, man.

Especially a cool guy like you, Kicking Wing.

Especially after that brutal run in with Buffalo Bob.

Even me? What's that supposed to mean, man?

Even though you took me to the carnival that I was already at.

Every day you just think you're worthless, and there's a void in your life.

Everybody know that. Goddamn, boy.

Everybody, I'm lookin' for my parents.

Everything's cool with me.

Feast your eyes on a feast of smoke.

For Christ's sake! Here!

For my search at a local grade school.

For real?

For some reason, and I have no idea why,

For the next couple of years,

For the record, I wasn't crying'. There was dirt in my eyes.

For the show in perpetuity.

Freddy, go get Free Bird boy here an all access laminate

From the inside by punchin' out his heart, is my guess.

Frozen in a freezer 'cause it's all wet?

Gasoline. Yeah.

Get her to sew that!

Get in the damn car, you flea bitten,

Get this thing full of lighter fluid.

Get up on the roof and put some bricks in the tooth!

Gimme that mutt. I'm takin' him huntin' with me.

Give me what you got in your pocket, and she's yours.

Go ahead. I'm a roast. Baste me.

Go back! Go back!

Go get him. Run, Charlie! Run like the wind!

God, I hate these nasty things!

God, that Brandy has a nice ass, doesn't she?

God.

Good job, sir. Yeah, keep 'em straight like that. Good strategy.

Good job!

Good stuff?

Gotcha.

Gut Busters, Zip a Dee do dahs or Crap Flappers?

Guy likes to see homos naked. That don't help me.

Had a little boy.

Had exact kind of haircut you got now.

Have I nailed the pertinent facts?

He comes back to you to fix it.

He could do anything, you know?

He has no idea that Brandy even likes him.

He killed all them, too.

He saved us from the mustard gas.

He used to beat me, so one night I just pushed him into the wood chipper.

He was damn good, too.

He was in town here on the Federal witness relocation program.

He was the former boss of the Cammalleri crime family.

He would've liked that.

He'll stop humping as soon as he's done.

He's dead? Man, what happened?

He's Joe Dirt! Yeah!

He's your real hero, people, not me.

Hell, I have half a mind to move there myself.

Hell, yeah, I'm going to Louisiana, brother!

Hello, California.

Hello, Joe Dirt.

Hello?

Help me!

Her eyes were somethin'. Azure, you know.

Here's a picture of Joe when he was a baby.

Here's a picture of them. It's taken

Here's my favorite bands. AC/DC, Van Halen, not Van Hagar, Skynyrd, Def Lepp...

Here's your week's pay.

Hey, baby, I'm on! Yeah.

Hey, boss, I'm goin' on a break.

Hey, Brandy, I'm sittin' here with a friend of yours,

Hey, Brandy, it's Joe. I'm out in LA.

Hey, Carson, how big's your Johnny?

Hey, Dad, look. It's the good stuff.

Hey, Dirt! I thought I told you, buddy,

Hey, everybody, Brandy's here!

Hey, freak boy.

Hey, God forbid you don't win after throwing only two quarters, man.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, TV people!

Hey, how exactly is a rainbow made?

Hey, I got four hours a day to fill, man.

Hey, I'll get that cleaned up lickety split.

Hey, I'm Joe. Where's the throw up?

Hey, if you're taking the dog, I'll go with him.

Hey, is this where you want to be when Jesus comes back, man?

Hey, it puts the Joe Dirt in the hole.

Hey, Joe, did you use the stuff with the tiny scrubbing bubbles?

Hey, Junior Dirt Bag. You talkin' to your rock?

Hey, look at this. Charlie, see that?

Hey, man, I... I can't say don't make fun of me,

Hey, man, you done with that apple core?

Hey, Mister, you know the people who live here, Nunamaker?

Hey, my foot's stuck!

Hey, my man. I got a big date tonight. I'm here to pick up my ride.

Hey, retard, you aren't worth it.

Hey, Robby, what's crappenin'?

Hey, to tell you the truth, brother, between you and me,

Hey, wait a minute, yeah.

Hey, wait... Am I... Am I on? I'm on?

Hey, what's goin' on, man?

Hey, who's this chick over here? Is that your girlfriend?

Hey, you guys, you gotta come hear this guy on the Zander show.

Hey, Zander, Zander, You got to see this guy.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Airplane! Help me!

Hey! You're talkin' to my guy all wrong.

Hey.

Hey. I'm lookin' for a guy named Buffalo Bob.

Hey. You wanna fight, you little queer?

Hi, Joe. Come here.

Hi, this is Brandy. I'm not here right now.

His name's Clem Doore, and he's from Josette, Louisiana.

His old cronies must've somehow found he was down here

Hold up. Ho!

Home is where you make it!

Home is where you make it.

Home where you make it.

Honey blonde hair. Her body...

How about a Whineken?

How could you do that to me? I was only eight years old.

How does she put up with you, Dirt?

How exactly does the Posi Trac rear end on a Plymouth work?

How exactly does the sun set?

How long did you look for me before you gave up?

How long were you ridin' in that car before you realized I wasn't in it?

Huge pert rack.

Hurry up, Phillip.

I agree. So does America.

I ain't the guy that saved them kids.

I appreciate any help I can get.

I bet people in a town like that will be nice to us.

I came up here to check up on you, and, well, I met Gert B. Frobe.

I can't do it.

I can't wait to see you and tell you everything.

I checked my list of Rambler wagons. And there it was, Nunamaker.

I could sell you a car for 450 bucks,

I could tell you were an outlaw.

I couldn't remember my real last name.

I did it! I did it! I roped him with a bungee cord.

I did.

I didn't get to the sad part yet.

I do worry about you, man. You know why? Because you're livin' In a boiler room, Joe.

I don't care how long it takes. I gotta do it.

I don't know what the problem is.

I don't know what you're saying, but that's what's going on, yeah.

I don't know why you ask about that guy. Nothin' happened.

I don't know, Joe.

I don't know. What's goin' on?

I don't mean to interrupt your clown pitch there,

I don't wanna be unkind, but this woman was a little off balance.

I expect your schoolwork to be done every night and laid out for my inspection.

I got a backup mic right here.

I got a good mind to take my outlaw ass and... Yeah, you better walk away, hard ass.

I got a picture of 'em.

I got an idea.

I got it. Now what?

I got lost.

I got myself a real important job in advertising.

I got some crazy stuff to tell you,

I got some pictures here. Look at this.

I got the poo on me.

I got these two sticks.

I got to find out what happened that day at the Grand Canyon.

I got to go back to work.

I got to tell her what happened, why I got weird.

I gotta make a wish.

I guess I'm lucky it wasn't hot chili day today.

I guess this is the place. Buffalo Bob's kind of a weird name.

I guess you won the battle.

I had the doctor surgically put on a wig that's a little more contemporary.

I had this strange feeling that exact moment,

I hear people.

I heard some things. It's not good. He's a bad guy.

I hit pay dirt when I got a job with a traveling carnival,

I hopped a train out of Silvertown and headed east for the big city.

I just can't stop grinnin'.

I just didn't know you were in this witness protection thing, brother.

I just hope whoever he is, he deserves a girl like you.

I just made that last part up for laughs, you guys, I'm tellin' you.

I just pour a little water on here. Now, you hold him.

I just wanna say thanks to all the people that stop me in the street

I just wanna say thanks to all the people that stop me in the street

I know, but that's a deal, what he wants.

I know.

I landed next to an oil rig, and they was hiring people.

I left it here. Friend's house.

I like gettin' hit with hot dogs. It don't bother me none.

I love you, Joe Dirt.

I mean, all these people were on them tour buses that day?

I mean, he's here and now he's gone.

I mean, hell, I'd just shut this old gator farm down and...

I mean, I don't mean to get all scientific or whatever.

I mean, I get this loser talking about the moon

I mean, I got a place up in Malibu, I got lots of friends.

I mean, maybe one day UNICEF will get into the impound business.

I mean, never putting the moves on Brandy...

I mean, your ass and my face. What's up? Here we go.

I might need a pretty little lady

I might say the joint looks great. The toilets are freshly scrubbed.

I need a towel now.

I need more, man. I'll be honest with you. I want to see you in here tomorrow.

I need to find a home, Meteor.

I need you to give me the records

I need you to go find Sheriff Williams.

I need your help.

I never would have said your name on TV, man.

I realized I needed a different approach.

I saw your bumper sticker, "Cowboys' butts drive me nuts."

I sold the gator farm,

I still don't see why we're going to the tour bus company.

I tell you what, buddy. I'm gonna give you a free spin.

I think he got...

I think his... Well, you know how when you get your tongue

I think I'm gonna go to the restroom and take a big Joe.

I think that all I got's, like, 450 bucks.

I think that's little me in the garbage can!

I think these are pictures from the Grand Canyon.

I think we need some resolution here. We need a little closure.

I thought hunting would be, you know, more fun than it was.

I thought this was it this time.

I thought you had a Hemi.

I told everybody you would.

I told them, Meteor. You had my back.

I wanna get married, Joe, and have little Joe Dirts. Come home, Joe.

I wanna get this woman on the phone, and I wanna ask her

I want to hear more of the saga of Joe Dirt.

I was 11 years old now, and I'd gotten into a little trouble here and there,

I was at the canyon, yeah. You know what?

I was finally home.

I was gonna be a janitor.

I was just a little kid.

I was just tryin' to get the word out about my parents, man. I'm so sorry.

I was livin' in the woods outside of that postcard town I said.

I was made for dancin

I was thinkin' about that car.

I was totally bombed on insecticide, I think.

I wasn't getting by on my tracking wages.

I wish he'd never found us! Look what he did to my children!

I wish I knew what happened that one day at that Grand Canyon place.

I would never do that,

I...

I'd floated all the way to North Dakota.

I'd give him 7,500. I used to have one of these. This guy's crazy.

I'll be chirping gears and pulling brodies, going...

I'll hold your half for ya.

I'll just go back to mopping.

I'll pay for this. I'm new!

I'll try the old reverse psychology.

I'm a bit of a crocophile, so don't try this at home.

I'm done with that fart. You want that?

I'm going broke with this venture also.

I'm gonna talk to your lady friend over there. How 'bout that?

I'm guessin' you had reasons for doin' what you did.

I'm here with Joe Dirt.

I'm here, Joe.

I'm Joe Dirt!

I'm just kinda campin' out or whatever,

I'm just saying, I'm beginning to doubt your hetero street credentials here.

I'm kiddin'. But seriously, let's hook up.

I'm lookin' at his father right now, and I'm his mama.

I'm looking for my parents.

I'm new in town, kinda lonely, lookin' for my parents.

I'm new! I don't know what to do!

I'm not messin' around. I'll hit it.

I'm not sure you are a good person, Brandy.

I'm not talkin' about Posi Trac.

I'm on it!

I'm rubbin' it in.

I'm so sorry, but your search is over.

I'm sorry about the noise, sir.

I'm sorry, buddy. Just give her a second. Dang.

I'm sorry, man. Here's the real hero.

I'm taking him with me.

I'm talkin' about me.

I'm wringing this chamois as long as I can.

I'm your sister! I'm your sister!

I'm... I'm not... We're just totally friends. She's out of my league.

I've been lookin' forever for those people, and everyone lies to me, man.

I've got to find my parents.

I've had some good times, I met some cool people, cruised around, cranked some tunes.

If anybody has any information on the whereabouts of 'em,

If I met the right man,

If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

If it isn't dirty Joe Dirt.

If my calculations are correct, this will create ice.

If she caught me doing stuff.

If you find them, are you gonna tell 'em what happened to you?

If you're covered in oil, don't stand next to a fire.

In case you called and I answered the phone.

In fact, in our latest "Is Brandy too hot For Joe Dirt?" poll,

In the tiny existence you laughingly refer to as your life.

Interesting.

Interesting.

Is it done? How much is in there?

Is Joe Dirt's parents ain't dead.

Is that all? No!

Is that right?

Is that right? You think that's queer?

Is that you are so unrelentingly upbeat about your plight.

Is this queer? They're large and in charge and lookin' for chickies.

It ain't no rock, it's a meteor, dum dum.

It does what it's told!

It puts the lotion on its skin, now!

It puts the lotion on!

It was grossing everybody out,

It was right by the garbage can where you left me.

It's a big mess.

It's a business. It ain't UNICEF, okay?

It's a little bumpy.

It's a meteorite. Check it out! That's cool!

It's a pretty big pile of puke.

It's a wig. I was born without the top of my skull.

It's Dirt. Isn't that the name on the family crest? Dirt.

It's gonna stretch 'em more. That's bad.

It's gonna take forever, man. But I gotta do it.

It's Joe Dirt. But if you're just gonna make fun of me, man,

It's just an old crapper tank, people.

It's like a Behind the Music without the music.

It's like in the movies.

It's like the cartoons. I'm seein' all tweet tweet.

It's no big deal. It actually sounds pretty cool.

It's not Clem anymore.

It's not what you like. It's the consumer.

It's not worth it, Joe.

It's okay, don't move.

It's okay. I felt it was time to move on anyway, you know.

It's probably more like this.

It's the wrong tone.

Jeez, drive this piece of crap off a cliff. Do us all a favor.

Joe Dirt, I wish you luck.

Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!

Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!

Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt! You rule, Joe!

Joe Dirt.

Joe, are you all right?

Joe, before we wrap this up, is there anything else you wanna say?

Joe, brace yourself for this.

Joe, can I have an exclusive?

Joe, he's okay now. He's in dog heaven.

Joe, I think happy hour started a little early in California.

Joe, just turn around now.

Joe, no!

Joe, wait!

Joe, what can I do for you?

Joe, what's the matter? Don't I turn you on?

Joe, wherever you are, this is for you, buddy.

Joe!

Joe! Joe! How are you feeling?

Joe! We have a show to do here.

Joe? Joe, come back over here.

Joe...

Joey, it's not cuttin' it, man. It's jive.

Joey, the tale could not be told in one day, and we've asked you back today.

June 13, 1979.

Just as long as I never have "no" in my heart.

Keep that Skoal, baby. That's what I'm talking about.

Kid, give me a break now.

Later that night, I took my mama's hedge clippers

Later, if you come up with their last name, you can go on from there.

Let me ask you somethin'.

Let's break it off for today.

Let's go down there.

Let's go. Come on, come on. Move it, move it.

Life gets hard, you know?

Life's a garden, dig it? You make it work for you.

Life's a garden. Dig it.

Like a Joe Dirt trench coat.

Like age progression and...

Like I'm some sort of white trash perv.

Like one time, I was jerkin' my gherkin.

Like this one guy I fostered out to for about a month,

Listen to you. What's the story here?

Listen. You're on your own.

Long legs goin' up to that tight butt.

Look at him, fellas.

Look at that shit!

Look at that town, Meteor. That's pretty.

Look at you. Jesus.

Look for broken twigs?

Lookie there.

Lookin' for people who took those photos at the Grand Canyon.

Lookin' for skin that he liked.

Looking for tourists who might have photos of my folks.

Looks like Charlie!

Lord, I got to gamble Gamblin' man

Los Alamos.

Luckily, my neck broke my fall.

Ma'am, are you selling this car?

Making fun of poor little Joe Dirt?

Man, a shooting star.

Man, firecrackers.

Man, look at you.

Man, that's a great idea. They could find anything.

Man, we're gonna get so busted! Let's get out of here!

Man, you don't even have a car.

Man.

Man.

Man. I just had the weirdest dream.

Man. Swerve them potholes.

Man. What did I trip over?

Maybe I'll just lie there for the rest of my life, you know.

Maybe if it came out of Charlene Tilton's ass, I'd take a bite.

Maybe we should take it over to that place, the laboratory over in the next town,

Maybe we'll go back down to McDonald's

Message deleted.

Meteor, we call this here "Bein' in burger heaven."

Molar World. One for the kid? Sure.

Molar World. Walk ins welcome. There you go.

Molar...

Mom, Dad, is that you?

Mom!

Mom!

Mom! Dad!

Mostly mopping.

Move your asses. Come on.

Moved!

Mr. Dirt is seen here meeting one of his longtime idols, Eddie Money.

My dad made my last name Dirt for some reason.

My face and your ass. How about that, friend?

My family's last name is Buckwalter. My brother's name is Cletis.

My foot's stuck, see? See, my foot's stuck?

My Hemi! You got it outta hock for me?

My last name's Dirt, her last name's Nunamaker!

My outlaw.

My parents pulled over on the side of the road to look at that big dinosaur

My parents were... This was my home.

My tooth! My tooth!

Nah. Home is where you make it.

Nah. I killed him.

Naming you that, your daddy must've really hated you.

No matter what, good things'll come my way.

No one that cares if you're alive or dead?

No Spleen Splitters, Whisker Biscuits,

No way I'd ever sell you, Meteor. Not in a million years.

No way. And that's my... My dad and my mom.

No wonder this thing's going under. You got nothing. It's wussy stuff.

No, he's dead.

No, I didn't.

No, I don't.

No, I know, man. That's all... That's for you.

No, man, but you gotta keep going. What am I gonna do, quit?

No, man. No, you don't need to bother her none.

No, see, my last name's Dirt.

No, she wouldn't do that. I know Brandy.

No, sir, man. I don't like that crap.

No, you're the one that carried us out.

No, you've been on the ride long enough. It's time to go home.

No!

No!

No! Killer mustard gas!

No.

No. Are your nuts frozen to the porch?

No. No. You know what, guys, I'm fine.

No. That's... That's wrong.

Nobody wants you around, period!

Nobody wants you around!

None of that pussy Skoal, right, Dad?

Not makin'?

Not me! That's the guy!

Nothin' happened with him. Nothin' weird. Nothin'.

Now I have 30 fireworks stands, which completely fund my animal shelters.

Now I have 30 fireworks stands, which completely fund my animal shelters.

Now let's see. In Louisiana, 1968, we sold...

Now that's day one stuff.

Now you tell me your daddy's name, and I'll tell you the dealership where he bought it.

Now, before I begin...

Now, even you liked the way that chick looked, didn't you?

Now, go on, go get him. Go bring help. Go get help now.

Now, here's what I need.

Now, I'll tell you what I could do.

Now, let's see if Rocky's got some cavities.

Now, see, boy? He goes off and fetches the duck.

Now, this ain't no flapjack. Gotta go real easy.

Now, this mofo knows not to mess with Sir Joseph Dirt.

Now, while I'm up here waiting...

Now, you know, except for the ratty 'stache and the pork chops,

Now, you're telling me that you're so ingrained with white trash DNA

Nunamaker! Nunamaker!

Of course, that's not true.

Of everybody who toured the Grand Canyon on them buses

Of my parents being turned into alligator shit.

Of people who might actually have a photograph of you and your parents, right?

Oh, God. She is so fine.

Oh, my God, man. This is my fault.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Brandy, I'm home?

Oh, my God. How'd he find out?

Okay, class, let's hear what these results are.

Okay, okay, that's too much, too much.

Okay, this is a business. This is not a charity.

Okay, this is where that rat bastard lives.

Okay, this is where that rat bastard lives.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Why didn't you say so? Come on!

On account of how you talked about it. It's wonderful here.

On my own again, looking for my parents, but I don't know their last names.

Once in a while you got a problem with the boiler.

One day I'll have a car that badass,

One night, they got swallowed up by the biggest damn gator we ever had.

One swing, and this here ball peen hammer will trigger this A bomb,

One, two, three, go.

One, two, three.

Or one single Whistling Kitty Chaser?

Other than the fact that you dig looking like Jane Fonda in Klute,

Our baby's home.

Out there in California,

Over in Kansas.

Over there in the middle of the lunch room.

People forget we're live. You like the window, don't you?

People like that security guard,

People would remember selling a car like that.

People'll come from miles around to see this thing.

Please call this number, okay.

Please leave a message.

Plum crazy purple.

Probably feels pretty good,