No Strings Attached (2011) Edit

A couple hours.

A hungry pioneer lost on the trail.

Actually...

Adam Franklin!

Adam, I wanted to tell you. I was just about to tell you.

Adam, this is an emergency.

Adam, what's going on? What happened?

Adam, you want to come back strong here. Go from a position of power.

Adam, you're wonderful.

Adam!

Adam! Franklin!

Adam.

Adam.

Adam.

Adam.

Adam.

Adam.

Adam. All right, I'm not the perfect dad.

Adam. Hello!

Adam... old people scare me.

Adam's episode is taping tonight, so Eli wanted to go.

All right, well, good to hang out.

All right? Be there. Bring anyone you want, all right?

All right? Hey. Great job.

All right.

All right.

Almost every day at the lab.

Also, I'd like to leave the door open when I pee.

Alvin and I have been talking about creating new life together.

Am I boring you?

And cut!

And get in your car and come and see me.

And have sex for, I'm guessing, ten minutes.

And he was burying my bare body in the sand.

And he's bringing Vanessa.

And here is a prescription for an anti inflammatory.

And how much money do you have on you?

And I don't care if you think it's too late, I'm telling you anyway.

And I might be kind of good.

And I might start avoiding you in the hallway, that's all.

And I think she really loves me.

And I think that... you got good at being strong for me.

And I think you thought you were at home,

And I was in a bush.

And I'm feeling like I want to see other people.

And I'm gonna laugh in your face, Adam. I'm sorry, but it's what I'm gonna do.

And I'm still pretty high on the cough syrup,

And it never happens like it should.

And it's giving you a Care Stare.

And it's gonna be in the missionary position.

And our favorite TV shows.

And she looks happy, and...

And she's gonna fly down with Bones and help me shop for the dress.

And that I would like it.

And the thing about fucking in a Prius

And then I just thought,

And then I texted you my address, and then you came over.

And then they tell me it's my fault because I left it out.

And then three months in, my therapist died.

And then you said that. It's not what I thought you were gonna say.

And then you're like, "It'll never work, he's too happy."

And they are gonna hire a freelancer, so...

And this is Lisa.

And this is my sister, Katie, and her lover, Kevin.

And tripping our balls off.

And two of someone else's,

And we were spooning with our clothes on,

And we... well, we'd like your blessing, Adam.

And we're behind you a hundred percent.

And we're gonna look at the twinkly lights, and then...

And what were you dressed as?

And you can't... write on my wall.

And you're gonna call me up, crying.

And you're gonna have to deal with that.

And you're gonna think back to this moment,

And your time machine breaks, and you're stuck in the Medieval Ages.

And... I think you knew that.

Anytime. Need some help?

Are you having sex?

Are you kidding me?

Are you OK?

Are you OK? Are you OK? What happened?

Are you there? You're not there, are you?

Are you trying to get rid of us?

Are you?

As the days of the year roll by

At least you're writing, that's what's important.

Awesome. That's awesome for you.

Baby boy

Because clearly you're gonna fall in love with me.

Because he loves Lil Wayne, OK?

Because I love you.

Because my other underwear is dirty.

Because you know I'll be your friend, no matter what.

Because you started taking off all your clothes.

Because you're women. And I think that's a beautiful thing.

Blow is blind, Adam. Blow is blind.

Blow it out! Blow it out! Oh, Adam, happy birthday.

Boyfriend. And my best friend.

Bravo.

Bring your friends. I will take care of you.

But he has this...

But he really likes you and he definitely likes me,

But I got over it. You should, too.

But I have this family thing, and I grew up in Ann Arbor.

But I just need to know how drunk you are."

But I love you. I'm totally and completely in love with you,

But I wanted to tell you in person.

But I'd just end up with a broken heart and a bunch of his old T shirts.

But I'm not prepared to say that we didn't.

But I'm so hungry.

But I'm telling you, be hurt.

But the good news is, she wants to put you on staff.

But the worst thing you can do in life is to say no to love.

But then again, she is a functioning psychotic, so it's like, who knows?

But there is this extra episode right before the break.

But this is like, this is really fun.

But we don't look anything like pumpkins.

But we should hang out. Let me just... I'll get your number.

But we'll definitely be there for the wedding on Saturday.

But you should just know that I'm gonna be there right next to her every day,

But you're not.

But, yeah. That's why I hate planes.

But... there is really no reason

By the way, tell your dad, it's like my favorite show ever.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye. Drive safe.

Can I finger you?

Can I get you a dri?

Can I say something?

Can we get a medic, please?

Can we not tell everyone?

Can you read it for me? Is that weird?

Check it out.

Christmas. I ran into her at a party.

Chuck!

Chuck! Chuck! Will you please fuck off? Please?

Chuck! If I catch you taking pictures of your dick one more time,

Come on, hit me. Give me your best shot.

Come on, it's soup. It's good for your uterus.

Come on, it's... it's one date. Just do it.

Come on, quick, before I get a hernia!

Come on, the "Where are you?" text is like saying:

Come running to me, because I'm a grownup, and I have a real job.

Coming!

Condom?

Crap.

Dad!

Did I have sex with anyone in this apartment last night?

Did I just say "What's up" to Stephen Metzner?

Did I tell you like in a charming way?

Did I, by chance, leave my pants in your room?

Did we? Yes, we did. We went to college together.

Did you have a good time last night?

Did you have sex with Emma?

Did you have sex with Emma?

Did you have sex with some girl and give her a balloon?

Did you make me a period mix?

Did you take your Pamprin?

Did you think we had sex? Oh, my God, we did not have sex.

Do what?

Do you think that you have red velvet in there?

Do you think you can get used to it?

Do you want to do this?

Do you want to go to my room?

Do you want to take it off yourself?

Doctors.

Doesn't mean that you can't look at me as a kind of... mum?

Don't do that. Don't just disappear like that on me.

Don't dress up your penis. Ever.

Don't freak out, OK?

Don't list me as your emergency contact. I won't come.

Don't take this the wrong way, but you're a terrible person.

Don't worry about it. I'll see you Saturday.

Don't worry. You're in good hands.

Don't.

Dr. Anseed, three two five one. Dr. Anseed...

Drink! Drink! Drink!

Eli!

Emma, I have really good news.

Emma, no.

Emma, rounds. Hey, Adam.

Emma, think about your career. Do not do this.

Emma, time to go!

Emma, we have to be in the hospital in ten minutes.

Emma!

Emma.

Emma.

Even if it's dressed up like a Care Bear,

Even ugly women.

Excuse me! Can I have your autograph, please?

Excuse me! Excuse me! You can't do that here.

Feel that?

Fine, I won't.

Fine.

Fine.

For David, there was no bigger miracle than his family.

For you to bring a child into this world,

Frank Sinatra.

From Camp Weehawken.

Fuck this.

Fuck, no.

Fuck, yeah.

Get some sleep, Dad.

Get that shit away from me.

Given the choice between Adam and anyone, really,

Glad I wore a good bra.

Go away.

Go big or go home. There'll be hearts,

Go hook up with someone else.

Go to the nearest bar and have sex with a stranger.

God, I am single as fuck.

Good luck with that.

Good. I was hoping we could do this a lot more.

Google Maps. Nice.

Got a cocktail for the ladies.

Got it.

Great Scott!

Great Scott!

Great Scott. That's funny stuff.

Great. Well done. Well played.

Ground rules. Good idea.

Guys, you get a five minute warning.

Happy birthday

Happy birthday, Adam.

Happy birthday!

Happy ho lidays!

Happy ho lidays!

Have fun at the wedding, and tell your sister congratulations.

Have fun.

He doesn't want me to call him.

He has the best heart.

He sprained his wrist punching a wall.

He was like, "No, you're doing that wrong." It was amazing.

He'll call in the morning.

He's like, "Great Scott"? No?

He's Mom's friend.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello. How can I help you?

Here we go.

Here's my business card. I'm the owner. Me.

Hey, Adam!

Hey, Adam.

Hey, Adam. You left your socks in my room.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, do you know that girl?

Hey, hey!

Hey, I heard. You and your dad are tunnel buddies, huh?

Hey, I was wondering...

Hey, one more thing.

Hey, someone call Charlie Brown!

Hey, wait! If you don't make it back for my wedding, I'll kill you.

Hey, would you ever? I...

Hey, you think when he's busting a nut,

Hey! Hey!

Hey! That's cheating.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Hey!

Hey. Hey!

Hey. How'd it go? Did you find him?

Hey. I'm, like, actually one of those freaks who reads things,

Hey. So... I really feel like it needs to be more ghetto.

Hey. Sorry. OK, so there's good news, bad news.

Hey. Where is he? What happened?

Hi, it's so nice to see you again.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. I'm Emma Kurtzman.

Hi. You didn't call me back, so I thought I'd come here.

How are you guys doing?

How did... How did you know that?

How do they change these lightbulbs?

How do you feel about the two of us having a baby together?

How is your dad?

How long do we have till we have to be there?

How long have you two been together?

How long?

How many?

How was your night?

How you gonna do that?

I actually think that...

I agree, it didn't work. Drop it.

I already texted him.

I also hate war.

I am following your instructions diligently.

I apologize.

I called her, but she didn't call me back. She sent me a text.

I can actually take care of her, you know?

I can almost see where your muscles go.

I can take it.

I can't do this. Could you please take me back to work?

I can't focus on my porn with all this real sex going on around me!

I can't just call him.

I can't keep doing this.

I can't stop thinking about him.

I can't. I have to go to work.

I date guys who steal my credit card,

I didn't know that my body could handle that much pain.

I didn't know that... I'm sorry about everything.

I didn't take it from my parents.

I don't get my own milkshake?

I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't know why I didn't get that. How did you know that?

I don't know why I wasted so much time pretending I didn't care.

I don't know, man. I mean,

I don't know.

I don't know. I heard your show is tonight. Congratulations.

I don't know. I'll figure it out.

I don't know. They could be anywhere. Here's your coffee.

I don't know. What do I do with that? I don't know.

I don't need you to take care of me. I take care of myself.

I don't want to go home.

I don't want to have kids. I... I just... I want to have fun.

I gave him some hydrocodone for the night. It's a very strong painkiller.

I got a hand job on the dance floor to "Who Let The Dogs Out."

I got it!

I got it! I got it.

I got it. I got it.

I got this. You just... calm down.

I got...

I gotta go. I'm still at work, so...

I guess I just didn't want to feel like this.

I hate breakfast. And lying.

I have been seeing other people, Sam.

I have played before,

I have to go to this stupid thing tomorrow. You wanna come with me?

I have to say, this is probably the best birthday dinner ever.

I have to...

I haven't seen her in two weeks, so...

I hope it's OK that I got your address from the W 4.

I just friended you. Do you think you're gonna confirm or ignore?

I just have sex with your son sometimes.

I just pulled a penis out of a VitaminWater yesterday.

I keep bleedin'...

I know that you have issues with your dad, and that's cool,

I know this is random. I just...

I know this might be hard, but just because I'm your ex girlfriend

I know you were trying really hard out there, but it just didn't work.

I know.

I know. I get that. I just...

I know. I hurt you. I'm sorry.

I like you.

I like you.

I lost him.

I love him.

I love it when we're all on the same cycle.

I may have to kill this dog. I just haven't decided how.

I may have.

I mean, it's about high schoolers who sing and dance and blog.

I mean, it's just teenagers singing about homework.

I mean, not since Vanessa.

I mean, she wants you to hook up with other girls.

I might.

I miss you. I miss you so much.

I promise. It's about to get better.

I really don't like the Little Wayne. Can't understand what he's saying.

I really like you.

I should head out.

I should probably get ready now. I don't want to be late.

I think I know her.

I think I'm gonna do it all the time. It's gonna get weird.

I think no.

I thought I'd wait till he got here.

I thought... I don't know what I thought. I just...

I told you not to come. It's not safe in here.

I understand what's going on. You're all on the same cycle.

I want you to meet Adam.

I want your face.

I wanted to get your opinion on this episode that I wrote.

I wanted to leave you with something David said to me

I wanted to make it special.

I was naked. And we were just out there in the desert,

I wasn't supposed to tell you about it. Crap.

I what?

I work 80 hours a week, doing 36 hour shifts.

I wrote an episode.

I...

I... I guess I wanted to hear your voice.

I'd become a weird, scary version of myself, and...

I'd choose Adam, every time.

I'd have sex with a pioneer. For sure.

I'd like to start calling you "honey" and "babe."

I'll be back in like... an hour.

I'll be right back.

I'll call you in the morning.

I'll get my stuff.

I'll go have sex with someone, too.

I'll just be over here if you need me.

I'll pay for everything, and you can reward me

I'll pick you up, and we can talk about our favorite books

I'll take a cab.

I'll take a look at it, sure. And then I'll call somebody.

I'll tell him you said that.

I'll, like, find my way home. Go. Yeah.

I'm 58 years old. I've been married three times.

I'm a doctor.

I'm a mess.

I'm doing my residency at the Westwood Teaching Hospital.

I'm Emma Kurtzman. You tried to finger me?

I'm fine, I just... You know, I just...

I'm getting married!

I'm glad to see you.

I'm glad you stayed.

I'm going to distribute these for an hour or so.

I'm gonna call every girl in my phone

I'm gonna do a video, I think. Vinyasa Power.

I'm gonna do this.

I'm gonna take that thing away.

I'm here.

I'm incredibly easy to get!

I'm just getting some yogurt.

I'm just studying for the doctor test.

I'm mean. But you're fucking crazy.

I'm not gonna see you again.

I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna... Victoria! Hey!

I'm not letting you go.

I'm not saying Alvin and I did mushrooms together,

I'm so drunk!

I'm so glad you guys could join us for dinner.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm the bride. You have to do what I say.

I'm the guy she marries, Adam.

I'm too stoned. Don't argue with me.

I've been ho, ho, hoping that I'd get the chance to talk to you.

I've got cupcakes.

I've got six pictures of my cock on my phone,

I've got the ice chips, honey. Here you go.

I've had a really tough day, so, I just won't...

If we were in a relationship,

If you're lucky, you're never gonna see me again.

In front of the restaurant that I'm eating at.

Is everything OK? Are you?

Is that you don't have to feel guilty afterwards.

Is that you?

Isn't that against your Hippocratic oath?

Isn't that something?

It has been a pleasure.

It hurts.

It looked so soft!

It looks like it's coming right at me.

It really hurt.

It reminded me of my senior prom.

It was a really nice funeral.

It was all right. Nothing special.

It was like you were cheering while you were doing it.

It was nice. You have a really nice penis.

It's a classic.

It's a mix.

It's been a year. It's time to move on.

It's been an honor.

It's been eight months, Dad.

It's Einstein.

It's Emma. Kurtzman.

It's fake.

It's for you.

It's gonna be fun.

It's gonna be OK.

It's hard, you know? Sometimes I laugh.

It's just no one is as...

It's just, you've been kind of depressing to be around lately,

It's like a crime scene in my pants.

It's like a peanut allergy, like... an emotional peanut allergy.

It's my day!

It's nice to see they're supporting your career.

It's not crazy. I mean, thank you for reading it.

It's not really possible. I have no time.

It's obvious. I completely love you. There.

It's OK.

It's perfect.

It's Seven Up, cough syrup and a Jolly Rancher.

It's Shira, and you look like you could use some coffee.

It's your birthday

Jesus. I don't know where to start. My dad's...

Just friends who have sex.

Just take Freckles.

Just take it, or I'm gonna keep singing.

Just thought you should know.

Just to hang out.

Katie, is everything OK? I got your message.

Katie?

Keep bleedin' I keep, keep bleedin'

Keep bleedin', I keep, keep bleedin' love

Keep, keep bleedin' love

Keep, keep bleedin' love

Kind of a sample.

Knowing that... my own son had sex with my girlfriend?

Ladies first.

Let's just go see him, OK?

Let's make fun of the hung over naked guy.

Let's take a look and see what we have here.

Like a real date.

Like a sexual woman?

Like ten bucks.

Like, "Boo! Here comes my dick."

Like, if you really miss me, you need to grow up

Lisa...

Listen, don't fuck one of those girls.

Listen, I want you to know that...

Listen, let me take you to a nice birthday dinner tonight.

Listen, we should keep this simple.

Listen. Hey, nobody knows about this,

Look at my face.

Look at my face. What does my face say?

Look, even if I did like him, it doesn't change what we're doing.

Look, I know I'm supposed to want to be in a relationship.

Look, Katie.

Look... I'm not really an affectionate person.

Love it, own it, lost it, bought it again. It's so great.

Lucy.

Mainly 'cause you're just... so beautiful.

Mama needs to get a cab home, so...

Maybe we don't need to talk about everything.

Maybe we should... Maybe we should stop for a while.

Me too.

Me too.

Megan listens to me. Sometimes.

Merry Christmas. Happy holidays.

MIT? Wow. So you grew up to be a lot smarter than me.

Mom is so excited.

Mom?

Must be a nightmare.

My agent got me one of those medical marijuana cards.

My dad invited me to dinner,

My dad's dating my ex girlfriend.

My friend, she's having a party. I'm already so late.

My mistake. Feel better.

My parents are getting a divorce, that's why I had to go to camp, so...

My throat starts constricting, the walls start throbbing.

Nice meeting you.

Nice memorization. Did you Google that?

No jealousy, no staring deeply into each other's eyes.

No one's ever done that for me before. Do it again.

No problem at all. Just get a little closer, ladies.

No, Adam, I don't. I think he wants to fuck her in his Prius.

No, Adam, it's after 10pm.

No, but that was you, and it felt poignant

No, I'm sorry. I'm the one who's come to your house uninvited.

No, it's fine.

No, it's fine. I'll come to you.

No, it's just... we could just snuggle or something.

No, it's one milkshake, two straws. That's what makes it special.

No, no, it was... it was exciting.

No, no, no. I can't. I can't. Adam, I can't. I've gotta go.

No, no, no. I e mailed it to Megan, and...

No, no. I know you can dance alone, and I know that you'll be fine.

No, that would be bad.

No, then you did this thing. It was...

No, we don't need her. Make her leave.

No, we're not stopping.

No, you didn't.

No! Yes!

No.

No.

No.

No. Do not call anyone. Just read it and tell me what you think.

No. I'm an assistant.

No. No, I'm... I'm not his girlfriend.

No. No, that's not the deal.

No. Things were getting too intense, so we decided not to see each other

No. Tonight is about me, Emma. All right? I'm feeling hot.

No. When we met, you weren't wearing pants.

No. You know, I get it, right? That you're sleeping with Emma?

No. You leave.

Normally, I would remember the name of someone that I've...

Not long. I...

Not yet.

Nothing else.

Now I know why you never wanted to have breakfast with me.

Oh, Adam.

Oh, beautiful! Beautiful!

Oh, but she can.

Oh, by the way, I enjoyed your dad's TV show.

Oh, by the way...

Oh, fuck.

Oh, God, I just love Kevin.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, good.

Oh, I hate you, you dumb fuck! Get the fuck out...

Oh, I'm gonna confirm. For sure.

Oh, I'm not.

Oh, man.

Oh, my God, I'm so hungry.

Oh, my God, Joy. I love you so much.

Oh, my God! I told you that this was a pajama party.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. OK. Do you want me to go with you?

Oh, my God. She's getting on the buffet table? That makes...

Oh, my God. This is happening. Is this really happening?

Oh, my God. You're touching me. This is so happening.

Oh, really? Well, then we just do this

Oh, she wants the dick.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. I'm sorry.

Oh, shut up, Emma.

Oh, sorry. I saw that he listed you as an emergency contact.

Oh, that really hurt. Damn.

Oh, this? I just threw it together.

Oh, we're not.

Oh, well... thank you. I didn't know you were dating someone, Emma.

Oh, wow. This is cool. This is a cool space.

Oh, yeah. You're such a wimp.

Oh, you got your...

Oh, you know what? I need a napkin. Can I just borrow this one?

Oh. I also...

Oh. I row.

Oh. OK, great. OK. Cool.

Oh. That's crazy. I was like, "What's he gonna say?"

Ohio? No, you can't.

OK, 'cause, like, we can just talk about it, if you want...

OK, get in your car and drive away.

OK, guys, we're gonna do this again. All right? Five minutes.

OK, it happened yesterday after the picnic,

OK, let's...

OK, well, we can start with no fighting.

OK.

OK.

OK.

OK.

OK.

OK.

OK.

OK.

OK.

OK.

OK. Don't expect too much.

OK. I got this.

OK. I'm sorry.

OK. OK, this is getting a little too realistic.

OK. The box of 50 doughnut holes is $5.79.

OK. Well, we should head out, so...

OK. Yes. Good. We are getting laid tonight, right?

One date.

One, as if nothing is a miracle.

Ornery thing.

Ow! Don't! Don't!

Patrice!

People aren't meant to be together forever.

Perfect, Dad. Thank you for asking.

Pick up some of that kettle corn.

Put it out! I'm not gonna chase you.

Really? You know, I was thinking...

Right here?

Ring, ring! It's the pumpkin patch! They want their pumpkins back!

Ring, ring! It's the pumpkin patch! They want their pumpkins back!

Sad.

Sari. I told you to play hard to get.

Screw the customers.

Seriously, she was, like, trying to take her shirt off.

Seriously.

Sex friends... I'm old. I don't know what you call it.

She drives me crazy.

She has a boyfriend? Named Bones?

She is not my girlfriend.

She is so good at impressions.

She needed a place to stay because, you know, her landlord is such a D bag.

She said I should hook up with other people.

She was like screaming and crying last night.

She's just using me for my car.

She's quick. Like a puma.

She's tired, she calls you up, you drive over,

Shira texted me about your dad, so I came here.

Shira, chocolate. Now.

Shira, I feel like there are parts of me that I haven't explored yet.

Since you're acting like children already.

So come by the bar. Great place.

So if you wanted to give it to me, that's cool.

So unprofessional. But I read your script.

So we see literally hundreds of penises a week.

So what happens now?

So you can take this with a grain of salt, but...

So, how did I get here?

So, I'm really excited to talk to you.

So, my sister is getting married in Santa Barbara tomorrow, and...

So, then when I was, like, 11, I was in therapy

So, to Burning Man?

So, we won't be there for the rehearsal dinner,

So, we're not gonna tell anyone about this, OK?

So, what'd you write back?

So, when I have to tell someone that someone they loved died,

So, you've told him about us.

So?

So...

So...

So... I'm pretty good at archery.

Something like, "Where am I? Why don't you check your underpants."

Sorry, gotta go. So sorry.

Sorry. Just... quick. Thank you. Beautiful.

Stop teasing him, you guys.

Sure you do. And that's fine, for now.

Sure, I just, I don't know, I had an idea, I just went with it.

Surprise!

Take me to Adam's house.

Taxi! Taxi!

Tea for your 'gina.

Thank you for this. This...

Thank you for what you did back at the restaurant.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. We'll be friends, right?

Thank you. Yeah, that's... that's funny.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks. My sister's getting married.

That comes later, baby.

That hole is my bitch!

That is a chair.

That is a terrible, self destructive plan,

That makes sense.

That was kind of an amazing Drew Barrymore.

That was really hard to watch.

That you and Emma have sex sometimes. I get it.

That, of course, the song was "It Was You."

That'll be useful if you ever have a time machine

That's it. That's all I have.

That's like trading an iPod for a 8 track.

That's my boy.

That's my Christopher Walken.

That's not good.

That's not possible.

That's so romantic.

That's true.

That's weird. You just pulled up

That's what hit. Do you think they could remix the song?

That's what people do, Emma.

That's your script.

That's...

That's... That's not true. It's all you.

The bad news is, Megan is remarkably drunk.

The bridesmaids had pot.

The other, as if everything is a miracle."

The sexy pioneer?

The world can take it.

Then, when she's done having her fun with you, she's gonna

There were so many interesting things going on.

There's one that brings a tear to a daddy's eye

These are really powerful painkillers. I can't feel anything.

They buy each other flowers, and they go to museums...

They helped me move my boxes sophomore year.

They're never gonna eat out my ex girlfriends.

They're not... they're not nice. They're not nice girls.

They're the best. I love them. I'm super straight, though.

Think that's gonna last?

This is a frat party.

This is a gift right now.

This is gonna be like Sideways, except that you're Paul Giamatti,

This is my fault. I should not have made you soup.

This is our friend, Patrice.

This is really good stuff.

This is very exciting.

This isn't really my place. I mean, who am I?

To be your pappy

To help soothe your womb.

To you

To you!

Today and I'll tell you why

Totally. Totally.

Try to use it as little as possible.

Two that I can think of off the top of my head, but...

Until one of us feels something more, and then we stop.

Until someone agrees to have sex with me.

Use each other for sex, at all hours of the day and night.

Using big words...

Usually I spend Valentine's Day catching up on work and stuff,

Vanessa?

Very nice.

Very pretty here.

Victoria! Seriously? Like, I can see you smoking right there.

Vinyasa yoga and the Army Ranger workout.

Wait. Are you sure that you want to do this, though?

Wait. Can we talk about something else? Like, literally, anything else?

Wait. I'll just...

Wait. Should I take my shirt off, or do you want to...

Wait. Why didn't you tell me sooner?

Wallace, could you take a picture of this?

Was I like charming and funny when I told you?

Watch and learn.

Watch out, though. She could be anywhere.

We all get to be passive aggressive and fight.

We can... I can do better than that.

We fell asleep. We were spooning.

We got to talking. About you, mostly.

We have dinner later. Didn't you read the itinerary?

We have like 15 minutes to get food, so...

We probably shouldn't snuggle.

We really have to be somewhere now, so...

We stand next to each other, it looks like he's kidnapping me.

We're counting on you here, man. Man up, man!

We're gonna have to come up with some new rules.

We're professionals.

We're sluts, Emma! We're dirty, dirty, sluts!

Well, but... at least they've seen your writing.

Well, Emma...

Well, I can't date you, either. 'Cause you're not my dad's type, so...

Well, I didn't think you'd actually do it. It's a terrible idea.

Well, this hole's a little bit more complicated.

Well, we're kind of in a rush, so it was good seeing you.

Well, what are you doing tonight?

Well, yeah, but...

Well...

What are you doing here?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?!

What are you gonna do? You're never gonna feel anything?

What are you wearing? What is this?

What are? What are you?

What did you want to talk to me about, anyway?

What happened last night?

What hospital?

What I need is someone who's gonna be in my bed at 2am,

What is this, the Peach Pit?

What the fuck?

What were you, a cocksman? What do they say?

What?

What?

What?

What? Did you tell him?

What? Emma?

What? Oh, my God.

What? Oh, my God. You're sorry? Are you crazy?

What? Well, how old are you?

What's going on?

What's up, Dr. Metzner?

What's wrong with what we're doing? It's working. We don't have to fight...

When we lost your father, I couldn't stand to see you in pain,

When you're married and you do blow...

When your friend stopped by from work.

Where are my pants?

Which is like ten times worse.

Who do you think you are, the old guy from Up?

Who I don't have to lie to or eat breakfast with.

Who is that?

Who? Adam?

Why are you making him listen to Lil Wayne?

Why are you messing everything up?

Why are you not trying to fuck that girl?

Why didn't she tell me?

Why don't you go find some other girl who's not gonna hurt you?

Why would he do that, Vanessa?

Why?

Why? Is this about me not having a date?

Will you just take Freckles?

With an over the jeans cock rub.

With nothing else? Just "H i"?

Wow.

Wow. Prius. Nice.

Yeah, Adam, come on, you're living every man's dreams.

Yeah, and honestly, like, I didn't think that you could write,

Yeah, Eli. I'm with... Adam!

Yeah, friends.

Yeah, he read it, and he gave you notes, and...

Yeah, hi. What are you doing? Where are you?

Yeah, I can come to Ohio.

Yeah, I got it.

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, I told her she'd be crazy to not like it.

Yeah, I'm pretty good at this.

Yeah, I'm the man with the two gay dads.

Yeah, it's... You don't want to be late.

Yeah, just give me your phone. I'll put it in there.

Yeah, just... That'll be easier, switch...

Yeah, look at you. Of course.

Yeah, right. Everyone loves you and your dad's like famous, or something.

Yeah, she's crazy hot, Adam. She's like a sexy scientist.

Yeah, sometimes my neck gets sore.

Yeah, sure. I'll come with you.

Yeah, talking. Communicating. Relationship stuff.

Yeah, that's probably easier.

Yeah, Wallace, I got a camera right here, if you just wanna...

Yeah, Wallace, I got a camera right here, if you just wanna...

Yeah, we got a lot to do. We got to make up for lost time.

Yeah, we should, too. You know...

Yeah, we were just having a romantic night

Yeah, well, I don't know.

Yeah, yeah, but no, I read it and I was like,

Yeah? Where's the cake?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. He was with... with a girl. It was his girlfriend.

Yeah. I felt that.

Yeah. I haven't seen you guys since...

Yeah. I know it's over, and I'm looking.

Yeah. I really liked it.

Yeah. I'll just set these over here and...

Yeah. I'm weird.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Pecking at it with my... fire beak.

Yeah. That just felt wrong.

Yeah. We should...

Yeah. Well, you left her, so...

Yeah. Wow! Do you go here? Why?

Yeah. You did a good job, so... I thought you deserved a balloon.

Yeah. You were...

Yep, I'm definitely gay.

Yes, I do. Perfect.

Yes, I'm ready.

Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. Coffee's good.

Yes. I'm having sex.

Yes. Thank you.

Yes. Yeah.

You always find something wrong with everybody who likes you.

You are not even a woman.

You are such an overachiever.

You bringing Adam to the Christmas party tonight?

You can have the rest.

You can just get it.

You can't fight me, you're miniature. You're like a girl Rick Moranis.

You didn't tell him yet?

You do?

You don't even have to have breakfast with her.

You don't have to feel embarrassed, because we're all doctors,

You don't know everything about your dad.

You don't remember my name, do you?

You feeling any better?

You fight like a hamster.

You find these perfect guys,

You got a good heart, Adam. Try to keep it.

You got...

You have 45 seconds to pull your shit together, OK?

You have a pretty big mouth. Oh, easy.

You have no idea, the stories that I could tell you.

You have two gay dads.

You just gotta walk away, pal. It's over.

You just have to be drunk and look hot.

You kind of even looked like her when you did it.

You know me. This stuff freaks me out.

You know what? Just help me.

You know who I wish was here right now?

You know, for your own safety, you'd better get your stuff and go.

You know, I didn't think that it was gonna be so...

You know, I have to... One minute.

You know, it's just... I know, it sounds crazy,

You know, what if all these grains of sand,

You know, you shouldn't have gotten her a balloon actually.

You liked her.

You look beautiful today.

You look like a pumpkin, bitch!

You looked great!

You might want to have Dr. Kurtzman here drive you home.

You need help?

You need to get even. Go have sex with one of his ex girlfriends.

You need to go over there, man up, you need to go for it.

You piece of shit.

You really think she's just using him for his car?

You remember my sister, Katie. She's just finishing school here.

You see, we were at Burning Man.

You should know...

You texted me that it was an emergency,

You texted me that you were dying.

You think so?

You told me about it last night.

You told me to get her a balloon.

You want to grab a muffin or something?

You wanted to know if you could get off early to see your dad,

You were gonna ask me something before the break.

You were like, "Look at my dick!"

You, me and Vanessa. We have something we want to talk to you about.

You're 22. Do you really think you're ready to quit school?

You're a big guy. Do you work out?

You're a really good cook.

You're always fine.

You're an asshole.

You're coming tomorrow, right?

You're crazy.

You're doing great.

You're fucking my ex girlfriend?

You're funny. It's weird.

You're gonna be having sex with your wife.

You're gonna get more shake, you have a bigger mouth.

You're gonna have to bank it off there. It's all about the geometry.

You're heavily sedated.

You're not gonna hurt me.

You're right. Let's smoke some weed.

You're so dope. Did you know that about yourself?

You're so good at being alone. Mom and I aren't like that.

You're so mean!

You're the guy she fucked a couple of times in the handicapped bathroom.

You're up.

You're... You're calling me because you're at your sister's wedding,

Your dad overdosed on cough syrup.

Your dad told me to give it to you.

Your girlfriend here is a very talented doctor.

Your sister's wedding thing?

Your uterine walls will be shedding for the next three to five days.

"Where are you?" What are you writing?

Adam should be here any minute. Good, 'cause I'm starving.

Adam? Oh, here. You want your coat?

Ah, so you like him. Adam, I'm not yours.

All right, let's... Good job.

All right? Is this?

All right. Well, what'd she text you? "Hi."

All right... Just go. Go.

Already? Yeah.

And I love it. I really do. Really?

and I'm the guy that gets laid. I can't get laid?

And so we... We had this wonderful idea.

And that's a good idea? Yeah, it'll be fine.

And we were dressed up. Yeah. I was dressed as a fire bird.

And we'll see what she says. Wow.

And, yeah, that was a 90210 reference. Yeah, you're super straight.

Anyone special? No.

Are you being jealous? Of that guy? Come on.

Are you crying? No.

Are you excited? Yeah.

Are you serious? Yeah, go...

Are you still there? Yeah.

But this... it's just gonna be fun. OK.

But Wallace cried. So?

But... Yes, she does.

Bye, everyone. Thank you. Oh, thank you so much for coming.

Call him. What? No.

Can I call you later? Yeah. No, I'll get a cab.

Can we try again? Sure. Mulligan.

Come on, baby, I got ya! Don't drop me!

Come on, just sit down for a second. Sit down.

Come on. You can't do Drew Barrymore.

Condom. Get a condom. I know. Condoms.

Dad! Oh, my God, that's so cute.

Dance? Yeah, like...

Definitely. Good.

Did I just pass out on your couch? No.

Did I? You did.

Did we do it? We had sex.

Did you just open the car door for me? Yes, I did.

Did you look at it? Yeah, I looked.

Did you smell my hair? No.

Do an impression, then. Yes, do an impression.

Do I know you? Hi, Adam Franklin of Camp Weehawken.

Do you want to call and just? Yeah.

Do you want to get out of here? Yep.

Does anyone here need a drink? Patrón!

Don't make fun of me. Wow.

Dr. Metzner. Yes?

Drew Barrymore. I don't know if I'm drunk enough.

Emma, Vanessa. Hi. How do you do?

Fully clothed spoon. This is bad.

Give me that! That's my phone!

Go for it! Man up! You keep saying "Man up."

Go. Now.

God, you look so beautiful. And your eyes are so pretty.

Good for you. Adam?

Good seeing you guys. See you later.

Good seeing you guys. Have fun. Yeah.

Got it. Hurry.

Great Scott! Bravo! Bravo!

Great Scott. OK.

Great. That's good.

Happy birthday, happy birthday Birth... day!

Happy birthday, happy birthday Hap... py!

Happy? Annoyingly happy, all the time.

Have you got? Let's do this.

He what? The Purple Drank.

He's an amazing lover. Oh, boy.

He's OK. Good.

He's so old. Yeah. He's getting older.

Here are your pants. Thank you.

Here's our itinerary. You made me an itinerary?

Hey, Benji! Good scene. Cool. Thanks.

Hey, Dad. Hey.

Hey, do you wanna? What?

Hey, Eli. Hey.

Hey, Philippe, it's Adam. Hi. Come in.

Hey, you OK? Yeah. I'm fine, thanks.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Yeah.

Hey. ...three two five one.

Hey. Can I? Hey. Of course.

Hey. I'm Sam. We work together at the hospital.

Hey. Nice moves. Hey.

Hi. Vanessa, this is Emma.

Hi. How do you do? How do I what?

How's that? It's amazing.

I am not a wimp. Well, then be with me!

I can take that. You cold?

I can't believe you chose those girls. Are you jealous?

I didn't have the courage. Oh, my God. This is amazing.

I don't have to go. No. No, go. Have fun, really.

I don't know about "babe." No?

I don't know. Come on.

I don't want to go home. Who is it?

I don't want to go. Yeah, all right.

I got it. OK.

I had a bad trip on The Drank. Yeah, I heard.

I know I can't just call you. No. You can't.

I know you think it's stupid. No. No, I don't.

I know, so that was kind of a bummer. Whoa.

I love you. I know.

I love you. That's good.

I made you a Valentine's Day card. What?

I mean, I know we broke up, but... Emma.

I rowed crew at Harvard. Oh, Harvard.

I shook my dick at you? Yeah.

I thought that's what you said. But no flowers, OK?

I used to write in college, so... OK.

I was a very bad girl on that trip. You're kidding me?

I would never write that. See, I like to be kind of scary.

I'd let you die. Oh, yeah?

I'll take it off. You know what? I'll take it off.

I'm assuming that's a good thing? You make my heart skip a beat.

I'm gonna hold your hand. Wow. This is all moving so fast.

I'm not good at this stuff. At what, talking?

I'm not supposed to tell anyone. Yes! Wow!

I'm so sorry. Yeah.

I'm texting him. Of course you are.

I'm way ahead of you. Fine.

I'm working. OK.

Is it "Do Not Call Her"? No.

Is that really what you want? This Friday.

Is that weird? OK. No.

It was very good. It was OK.

It's from Emma. What's it say?

It's kind of girly, but nice, huh? What do you drive?

It's Patrice. Hey!

It's your birthday Birthday

Joy, come join us. Hey, Joy.

Just "Hi"? "Hi."

Just from a purely logical aspect... What are you doing?

Just have sex with a random woman? Yeah, go.

Leave me alone. You leave me alone.

Let's not talk about it. Oh, OK. OK.

Let's... Why don't we? OK.

Like what? Just something important, OK?

Look at my face. No, I get it. I just...

Louder! Yeah!

Maybe I want to fight. Yeah, well, I don't.

Metzner talked to me the other day. Shut up. What did he say?

Mine, too, please. Certainly.

Nemo. Amazing.

Nice to meet you. Nice meeting you.

Nice. Bravo, bravo.

No lying. Those are good ones.

No shit? Yeah.

No sports or working out for a while. Dr. Metzner?

No, I'm OK. OK.

No, not yet. What?

No, she really tried to like mount it. Yeah, I know.

No, this is gonna be good for us. Yeah. It's great.

No. It looks like something happened.

No. Sorry. You didn't.

Not your job. Yeah.

Oh, boy. Especially because, well,

Oh, crap. Katie, who's Bones?

Oh, don't even think about it. I'm gonna go talk to him.

Oh, shit. Yeah.

Oh. Yeah.

Oh... OK.

OK, ma'am, where's that? Where Adam lives.

OK! Yeah! Great. Great.

OK? No, he's ten one.

OK. Come on. Here. You take that one.

OK. Condoms.

OK. I'll just shut it off.

OK. Remember, we're sluts!

Patrice! Hey! How are you?

Patrice. Hey, I know you. Hey.

Please don't do this. 8:30, STK.

Put that away! Who are you talking to?

Really? So... Yeah.

Really? Yeah.

Seriously, it's distracting for me. Thank you. For reading it.

She's just so hot. I know how hot she is.

She's not into it. Shit. Seriously?

Snuggling? Oh, yeah.

so don't say anything to anyone. OK? All right, I won't.

So make sure you come by. Yeah.

So you just want me to go? Yeah.

So, all is forgiven? No. Nothing is forgiven.

So, that's that story. Cheers.

So, we are cool with penises here. OK.

So, yeah. OK.

So, you ready for tonight? Yeah.

So? I don't know.

Something? Yeah.

Sorry. Yeah.

Take care. Take care, ladies.

Tall? He's so tall.

Thank you. So, you're a paid writer.

Thank you. Sure.

Thanks. Cozy.

That was a really good call. Thank you.

That was really mean. Yeah.

That was such a fail on my part. It's OK...

That's amazing. Yeah, so she... Yeah.

That's it. I'm going for it. Going for what?

That's really sweet. Thanks, guys. Fuck you!

That's strong. Toast to that. Toast.

They're fantastic. No, this.

This is amazing. Oh, you make... Hey!

This is amazing. Yeah.

This is Joy. I'm Joy. Hi.

Wait, let me... It's fine.

Wait. I'm seriously in love with you.

Was that fun, or what? So fun.

We haven't talked in months. I'm the bride, it's my day.

We love you already! Come on, family hug!

We were never together. Oh, that's right. Friends...

We're having sex. I know.

We're just hanging. Thank you.

We're not pumpkins! We're ladies!

We're sex friends. Yeah. Yes, we are.

We're so proud of you. Make a wish.

Well, it won't be me. It won't be me.

Well... How long?

What are we gonna do? About what?

What are you doing at a party of frat? No. I go to MIT,

What are you doing here? I just moved here a week ago.

What did you want to talk to me about? Wait. Just hang out here.

What do they call it? Coxswain.

What do you want to do? Something crazy.

What is he, a drifter? No.

What is it? Some stupid thing.

What was it? Yeah, I...

What was that? What?

What? "What?" Let me ask you.

What? I'll go on a date with you.

What? This was all you.

What? You always do this.

What? No, I mean... No, I'm not here without you.

What's that supposed to mean? It just is true.

What's this? These are my feet, Adam.

What's up? I have to work.

What's up? Look, I should probably go.

When Benji and Sari did the kiss... They committed to it.

Where are you, Dad? It's Nemo.

Where are you? I don't know.

Where's? She went home.

which is, yeah, totally fine. Thank you.

Will you please say something? Wait.

Wow, Wallace! She chose your dad over you, man.

Yeah, Dad's funeral. Dad's funeral.

Yeah, great job, man. Really good, yeah.

Yeah, I could do that. Good.

Yeah, that could work. Yeah, it's not bad. "Hi" is fine.

Yeah! So excited!

Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah. No.

Yeah. Of course. Yeah.

Yeah. OK.

Yeah. Shoot, I left my phone in my office...

Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah. Don't write that. Yeah!

Yeah. I stuck it in. Wow.

Yeah. Of course. It's just easier that way.

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Good.

Yep. Let me just...

Yes, we know that. We heard.

Yes! Yeah.

Yes. Look, in ten years from now,

You can't tell anyone. She just texted him, "Where are you?"

You cried during the show. I liked the show.

You don't? No.

You eat the fucking ice chips! I love you so much.

You got a dog? Seriously, that's... Freckles! Come!

You guys liked it? Like really? Yeah.

You have to come. No, I don't.

You have? Yeah, a lot of other people.

You know this is never gonna work. Why not?

You live here? Yep.

You probably hear that all the time. Not that much.

You remember when I went to Cabo? Yeah.

You said no flowers. That's pretty cute.

You should be taking care of him. I can't do this. I can't do it.

You told me to. You shouldn't listen to me.

You wanna go get a coffee? No, thanks.

You're getting married. I'm getting married!

You're kidding? No.

You're Patrice, right? Yes.

...everyone is happy, and you're not.

...I can help you out. If there's one thing you learn

...I'm falling...

...if you come any closer,

...it's the best sex of my life.

...like a dance?

...naked and crying.

...saving people's lives.

...the tomatoes are Australian.

...then we can all sort of involve ourselves in...

...try to stay away from women who want to fuck you.

...we don't pick who we fall in love with.

...why they call him Bones.

'Cause given the choice between Adam and his dad,

'Cause I'm so happy

'Cause if you want any pointers, you know...

'cause now that I'm saying it out loud, it does sound crazy.

"Congrats"? For what? Having sex with you?

"Do Not Call Her" is calling. Do you want to take it?

"Even Flow," "Red Red Wine."

"God, I want to, like, drive over there and tell him in person."

"Hey, I want to have sex with you,

"Hi, how are you doing?" And then a winky face.

"I've Got The World On A String."

"Sunday Bloody Sunday"?

"The Purple Drank"?

"There are only two ways to live your life.

"You give me premature ventricular contractions."