Tour De Pharmacy (2017) Edit

A cool horse, or something like this,

A few extra pounds on the bike this year.

A fight has broken out, and not surprisingly,

A huge deal for me, you know?

A lot of Oxycodone in his blood,

A man on drugs if you're not on drugs?

A Saint Bernard is the first responder.

A serene landscape that was completely juxtaposed

Abrams: The France 2 coverage of the 1982 Tour de France,

Absolutely. Yeah. I disagree.

Actually going through some pretty weak stuff.

After that, I passed out, but not before,

After that...

After three months, Ditmer owed

Ah fuck! (snorts) Ah.

Ah! What a crazy hypothetical question.

All right, calm calm down. We were just doing our job.

All that built up lactic acid can finally be ejaculated.

All vying for a common goal?

Also, some insulin and anabolic steroids,

An African was going to win the Tour de France!

And and I would hand them this magic piece of plastic

And all my Nigerian brothers and chicks.

And all of these are for sale.

And all start drafting for each other.

And as is with every accident near Switzerland,

And be shouting, "African music!"

And dozens of fans.

And for a brief moment...

And for doing so, he was disqualified as a cheetah.

And for this, I received...

And fuck Marty Hass with his fake African ass!

And had to register as a cyclist to bring my bike on the road,

And he seemed proud of what everyone could see

And he's making quite a mess

And I did it with nothing but my own blood,

And I haven't seen Adrian since.

And I realized, "Hey,

And I won it.

And I'm like, "Dad!

And I'm riding right alongside the riders,

And in love made me so upset,

And in so doing, I became something of a gay icon.

And interest in the Tour has dwindled nearly to nothing.

And it appears Adrian is now untying the rope for some reason.

And it looks like we've got a beautiful fan up ahead!

And it's the most common type of blood cell in your body.

And just when you think it's over,

And likely never will. (chuckles) Right, guys?

And nobody ask me if I'm cheating on my wife,

And openly discussing the use of performance enhancing drugs

And over some of the most treacherous mountain ranges on the planet.

And prove all of you wrong!

And put on Bob Marley, "Legend,"

And put the kibosh on the fracas.

And smooth, taut hamstrings

And started to feel, like, "I want to get to know him better,"

And strong fingers.

And taken a couple MDAs.

And that's what it's like in Africa.

And that's when the cyclists take turns breaking the wind at the front of the pack.

And the downstairs of a horse.

And the following day, the field narrowed even further

And the whole thing, like, really played out,

And the winner is...

And then I'm getting the living shit

And there was a hormone from monkey testicles

And there would be no losers.

And they announced it with a bizarre commercial.

And they would give me the cool thing.

And this included the former president

And this is how I became a boxer.

And throughout his life, Slim excelled at many different sports,

And to no one's surprise, it's JuJu in the lead.

And what's he paying for? Spilling the milk?

And you are like a... champion.

And you give all the money back, for instance,

And... I bless the rains down in Africa.

Anyway, Gustav Ditters was blood doping,

As a boxer, it was offensive to me.

As far as endurance goes,

As he blasts past other riders,

As he continues to burn up the mountainside.

As the town of Basel has gathered to greet

At a pace most sprinters achieve on flat land,

At a young age, Marty established himself as the country's best cyclist,

At least one sandwich from Arby's.

At some point during the three week race,

At the 1982 Tour de France with performance enhancing drugs.

Athletes took drug abuse to a level never seen before or thereafter,

Attempting to traverse

Austrian muscle freak Gustav Ditters is in the center of it.

Baton: Oh man.

Baton: Oh yeah. Oh God. Oui! Hass: Oh yeah.

Beat out of me. (boxing bell dings)

Because I don't know if you know this, but Africa's

Because everyone else was on bicycles made out of wood.

Because he was in this huge debt,

Because he wasn't the only black athlete...

Because I am woman,

Because I am. Ah! I'm kidding. (people gasp)

Because I couldn't draw fast enough.

Because I hated Marty Hass.

Because I said it was true right away.

Because I was also on...

Because my heart was just so full,

Because we showed it to you at the beginning.

Before we went behind that wall,

Being here in France, I miss it back home,

Being your first Tour, were you rattled by anything?

Big news at the Tour de France,

Both: To drag me away from you.

Both: What? And I think I just might.

But a great deal of 'em fight like little bitches.

But at any rate, it's gonna take a lot...

But everyone behind him expends way less energy.

But he did eventually, as you know,

But how do you tell the story of a bike race,

But how exactly does it work?

But I am a a peaceful person.

But I can ride very fast. (cameras clicking)

But I think after what I do here today,

But if a they end the race, then I am punished for what?

But it is also perhaps the most controversial.

But it is weird.

But many suspected something had, literally.

But no, no, no, that's that's not true.

But not the way you'd expect.

But now it's Marty giving a strong push!

But obviously struggled to stand out like his uncle,

But on a serious note, Rex,

But one rider, Italy's JuJu Peppi,

But that day, he lived and won the yellow jersey,

But then I got fired from Henson,

But then one day my bicycle was stolen.

But they didn't know the bike was stolen.

But we found one former cyclist

But what they really didn't know is that I love bicycles.

But when you blow records away and burn up a mountain

But with no major injuries, the race was expected

But, you know, this is a sport

Call my dad, man! Call his a papa!

Call my dad! Basta!

Can he stay up? Oh no! Oh no!

Certainly did not do its job explaining credit cards to the people of Finland.

Conducting my interviews during the race,

Crazy things will happen.

Creating supermen in Superman spandex,

Cyclists are hunks.

Cyclists are incredible athletes

Cyclists dope to get their VO2 max levels up,

Delivering oxygen to all the cells of the body.

Ditman Klerker Klerken. Ditmen Klerken.

Ditman Klerker. Ditmen Klerken. Did I get it?

Ditmen Klerken. Ditmen Klerken.

Ditmer Klerken held a press conference. (reporters shouting)

Ditmer sent every rider a note saying

Ditmer, Ditmer. There are reports that you asked every rider

Ditmer: "Hey, if you don't want to be drug tested,

Ditters: Everyone was cheating.

Does that mean that you could keep your job?

Don't put that in the movie. That, um...

Each night, the depleted muscles

Each unwilling to take the lead.

Edgar Wright: Stage 13 of the Tour de France,

Even taking into account the past 10 days' rest,

Even though life on the farm was perfect,

Everybody's just slowing down.

Everyone think I cannot do what a man can do.

Everyone... except for me.

Everything I did that day,

Excuse me a moment. Just getting word from the home office.

Extra hard to keep up with you out there.

Fabienne: Who is that?

Feeling strong, ready for the race? Woo!

Fighting and his outfits that he claimed to be made

First of all, why is going down on his wife payment for this guy?

First one to ever do it, baby. Woo!

For $50,000 if they did not want to be drug tested.

For a dozen reasons at least.

For a news team to capture.

For a whole genre of cross dressing sports films

For about

Found a way to fuck us over again.

From the lovebirds. Whoa ho!

From this anonymous guy.

From you. That's what I was gonna say! Shall we do it in harmony?

Fuck Marty Hass! Fuck him! Fuck him!

Fuck you! Next question.

Fuck you! Tomorrow I will ride incredibly fast

Fucking the shit outta Fabienne.

Full of love for Marty.

Getting closer! Getting closer!

Getting the scoop straight from the horse's mouth, so to speak.

Give me the blood! Give me the blood!

Give me the Gatorade! (both shouting)

Got another three weeks to go.

Guess what else? I can make cheese, yo!

Gustav did add a foreign substance to his body.

Gustav, my question is, can you ride fast?

Guys came out flying on bikes! Man, I wanted to be on a bike so bad.

Half the world will tune in.

Hamm: And JuJu didn't die that day,

Hamm: And just then... (heartbeat stops)

Hamm: And one by one, nearly every participant

Hamm: Blood doping. Most people are familiar with the term,

Hamm: But he was far from alone that year.

Hamm: But the slow riding suddenly came to an end

Hamm: But what no one knew was that the color barrier

Hamm: By stage 14, Marty and Adrian were

Hamm: Day one, 207 kilometers from Basel to Mohlin,

Hamm: He died... with his dick out.

Hamm: In an attempt to quell the media frenzy,

Hamm: It was all Marty, all alone, heading into Paris.

Hamm: Jabin Dolchey was known for two things:

Hamm: Jabin's punch kicked off the most massive scuffle in Tour history.

Hamm: JuJu wasn't the only one suspicious of Gustav's newfound energy.

Hamm: Over the next seven days,

Hamm: The 1982 Tour de France was the most eccentric bike race

Hamm: The disciplinary cunnilingus shown in the commercials

Hamm: Their romantic tryst

Hamm: There were still other firsts at the '82 Tour,

Hamm: There's an "honor among thieves" code in cycling,

Hamm: Whether it was effective or not,

Has to do with the fact that credit cards

Have great sex, wake up a the next day,

Have you ever had that? I was like, "Where's my Nerds?

He also had apparently eaten

He found himself in cycling's first battle of the sexes.

He had clearly smoked some crystal meth and/or crack,

He is absolutely tearing up the Pyrenees like a man possessed.

He rarely associated with actual Nigerians.

He used Jabin's flailing legs

He was an odd bird,

He was riding with the greatest cyclists in the world.

He will be the champion of the 1982 (bike bell dings)

He's got a gun! What?

He's perfectly still for optimum wind resistance!

He's practically dancing on the pedals

Here in Nigeria, we hate Marty Hass.

Here we are, the beginning of the end of the 1982 Tour de France,

Here we are, Tour de France, day two,

Here we have some footage of him grabbing Jabin Dolchey.

Here's one now, arriving all the way from the United States,

Hey, come on. How do you beat

Hey, hey, bella senora! (echoes)

Hey, hey, hey. Slow down, man. He can't take that.

Hey.

Heya, Huey! Do you wanna play a numbers game?

Hi, I'm a red blood cell,

Hi, Slim. Welcome.

His uncle was Jackie Robinson, who, of course,

Ho, ho, ho, ho, what a hot chick.

Hold up. Hold up. Hold up.

Honeycut: Adrian Baton, the great French mystery.

Honeycut: I'm gonna have to work

Honeycut: Well, this is just awful. (all shouting)

How are you holding up at this pace?

How can you ride a bike with a...

How is he doing this? (heart beating faster)

How you say? You say "pussy."

I actually paint what the experiences are like,

I am a man, you are a man. We don't shave our legs.

I am not cheetah, yeah?

I beat the shit outta that kid, man.

I call it groundbreaking footage for film, period.

I could feel nothing else.

I couldn't get cycling out of my head.

I did in self defense.

I didn't pay Ditmer. What I to do?

I do not know what has got into this guy.

I ended up having sex with a

I got a Schwinn bicycle, and, man, I would ride

I gotta see about something over here.

I guess that explains how he kept up with the pros.

I had no fear when I ran into Rex,

I lose a sight of the road! Man: Hey, JuJu!

I love it here. Stopping the race

I love you. Je t'aime.

I loved Marty Hass.

I make some good cheeses.

I mean, he was right there in the front of the pack

I mean, I was the first black man in the Tour de France,

I mean, no. Fuck! No. I mean no, I mean it's not not true.

I promised to keep her secret

I proved that a woman can cheat at cycling as well as any man.

I remember, making everybody promise

I rocked a trifecta, and I passed out.

I started to notice, like, little things about him,

I still get emotional when I think about it.

I still really don't love watching cycling.

I still ride a bike every day,

I think maybe Marty knew I was woman somewhere deep inside him.

I think that applied in this case.

I totally understand what Slim did.

I wanted to be the first black something too.

I was never a cheetah.

I was originally an animator for Sesame Street,

I was really impressed, what a great rider Rex was.

I will now field questions. Woman: Gustav!

I won the Tour de France,

I would see something, like a cool car

I'll fucking kill you!!"

I'll watch French sports all the time

I'm a better fighter than I am a cyclist."

I'm a never die, not on a bicycle.

I'm eligible to win this thing.

I'm just a guy on a bike following a homosexual couple

I'm like, "Dudes, what happened to the plan?"

I'm not a milkman. I'm a cyclist.

I'm standing here with the legendary Gustav Ditters.

If I didn't know that he was a she

If they paid him $50,000,

If you put cheetah blood in you, it wouldn't make you a cheetah.

If you take too strong a dose of amphetamines,

In an unprecedented decision,

In fact, at this point, I have no idea why we're even out here.

In fact, I could feel nothing at all,

In the autopsy, they found out

In the history of cycling, in large part due to the fact

In the race was disqualified for sending the bribe money.

In what has now become known as the Tour de Pharmacy,

Including the appearance of Marty Hass,

Indeed I am. You know, I miss it.

Is is that true? Yeah, that's true.

Is absolutely burning up this mountain...

Is there no honor amongst blood diamond thieves?

Is, I think, one of the best films.

It appears Rex Honeycut was riding

It is Gatorade. I will drink it now.

It is not blood. It is not blood.

It is truly an honor to be here to represent Africa,

It just all really suited me.

It looked really close from the other angle,

It seemed the Tour would be canceled.

It should be noted, though, that I am probably

It was a very fucked up year for bicycle riding.

It was ferocious and full of electricity.

It was my first time talking in public as a man...

It was the French news wave.

It was worth it... (door closes)

It was... felicity.

It wasn't just impressive footage

It's a terrible crash! (crashing)

It's arguably the best film.

It's beautiful out here.

It's kind of what I felt like when I did the drug.

It's much harder on the rider in the front,

It's really peaty.

It's the lyrics to the Toto song, "Africa."

It's too good of a line. I want to get it right.

Jabin Dolchey! Speed the competition!

Jackie fucking Robinson! (bottles clinking)

Jamaica is not in Africa.

Je t'aime!

Jeez, I sure did after.

Jesus!

Jon Hamm (narrating): The Tour de France, the crème de la crème of cycling.

JuJu now relieving himself,

JuJu Peppi not surprisingly at the front of the pack.

JuJu was on EPO and cocaine.

JuJu, you take the lead.

Just because I have cheetah blood does not make me a cheetah!

Just been working the farm with Fabienne.

Just between us,

Just go with it, Marty! Ride the wave! That is not helping, Slim!

Just One of the Guys, Nobody's Perfect,

Just to kinda brainstorm new ways of shooting things.

Kill these white motherfuckers!

KultaBank issued the first Finnish charge card,

Ladies and gentlemen,

Ladybugs, Juwanna Ma Juwanna Mann

Let's burn this motherfucker down!

Like platelets... Hey oh!

Like taking bribes

Like, a really well written script.

Like, sometimes they'll run out of Nerds candy.

Looks almost like you could play a real sport.

Lost the race, lost my girl,

Luckily, we only have to tell the story of five of them.

Man 2: I don't know. Somebody fucked up.

Man 2: Just wait till he goes to the bathroom, then we all leave.

Man: Holy shit! (crashes)

Man: Oh my God! (crashes)

Man: Oh, cool, yeah. (continues speaking)

Man: Wait. Did you just admit to being on drugs?

Man: Well, fuck. Who why did why did you bring him here?

Man: What are we supposed to do with this guy?

Man: What? Man 2: From the wrong Fab Five.

Marty and Adrian became the first publicly out gay athletes,

Marty and Adrian shared the yellow jersey that day.

Marty Hass. Marty Hass. Africa! What's up, Africa?

Marty: It was it was heartbreaking to try to go it alone,

Marty: Oh, I was I was just, uh,

Marty's father owned a diamond mine

Marty's right. It's just the five of us.

Minutes ahead of the pack.

Most beautifully covered by the French news channels.

Most hard core cyclists know

Must be softened in readiness for the torture ahead.

My parents bought me the bike out of van,

My uncle was the first black something.

My whole life, people have been referring

Near Nigeria's capital... (boy giggles)

Nearly $16 million U.S. to KultaBank.

Nearly all 170 of them.

No one would ride in front, so

No spectators line the streets.

No, I never, uh... I never did see Marty again.

No, no, no. Oui.

No, they're pulling over for a break.

No! Adrian, what are you doing? (panting)

No! Adrian!

No! Don't burn my shop down! I'm on your side!

No! No!

No! No! Please! I'm naked!

No.

No. (continues speaking French)

Now you guys are never going to believe me

Number one, baby.

Of testing all the riders for doping,

Of the 170 riders entered, only five did not send checks.

Of the entire race.

Of the UCI, Ditmer Klerken.

Oh my God! He's fucking dead!

Oh my shit, he is fine!

Oh no! My legs are getting all shaky, man!

Oh, I'm not familiar with that.

Oh, that's when you, um, puke and shit and jizz at the same time.

Oh, this is from when I did meth.

Oh, we have to try every drug on our banned list,

Oh.

On Earth?" A cheetah.

On his cruiser! He's caught up to Marty!

On the bicycle.

One of the most important elements of cycling is drafting,

Only now it's to deliver our dairy.

Only thing I'm racing now is the expiration date on our milk.

Or something like that, and that was strange,

Ortetamine, Bunolol, and Labetalol.

Otherwise her sacrifice would've been for nothing.

Oui!

Our job is perhaps the most important in the bloodstream.

Oxabolone and Nandrolone.

Passing cars have absolutely no clue that an event of any kind is taking place.

People dope. Yeah. They risk their lives,

People: Whoa!

Phentermine as well.

Please! No! No! I beg you!

Plus he had apparently huffed ethanol

Probably to ward off breast growth.

Psyched, psyched, psyched to be there,

Pushing his body to its absolute limits!

Quite possibly the most difficult climb

Raloxifene and Tamoxifen

Real Africans didn't like that song, "Africa."

Real competitive,

Really seem to be enjoying each other's company out there.

Really? You think that people will start

Require deep tissue massage

Rex Honeycut: Well, the atmosphere is positively electric

Right, but as a cyclist, it's essential, isn't it?

Right, right, like the song.

Right. (chuckles)

Right. For example, oftentimes, it'll get pretty warm there.

Right. Sure.

Right. Yeah, because they gotta ship 'em in,

Robinson: Well, it's not my turn either.

Robinson: What the fuck, dude? We said we were gonna take turns in the lead.

Seeing another black man on a bicycle was

Sesame Street was also unhappy

Setting records is standard protocol for the Tour de France,

Showing no signs of fatigue.

Shut the fuck up!

Since he died, you know?

Slim is back on the Tour!

Slim Robinson is back!

Slim Robinson was sports royalty.

Slim Robinson was still back on the outskirts of Marsan.

Slim Robinson!

Slim Robinson. Hey.

Slim, you've done an amazing job, riding slowest today.

So Gustav figured, "Why not add red blood cells

So I can remember the effects of each drug.

So that men could fuck in the hills.

So the rest of us could draft.

So this is a first, uh... (scoffs)

So we know what we're dealing with.

So we were all competing to be in the back.

So you can see how similar the two drugs are.

So, a lot of people think of me as a boxer,

So, this is what I painted while I was on amphetamines.

So, this is why I had to disguise myself as a man.

So, you can see that meth is a very different drug than the other two.

So... (chuckles)

So... there would be no winners

Some estrogen receptor modulators,

Somehow, Marty Hass

Someone smells of lilac. Is it her?

Sometimes you just need a time out.

Sorry, I just noticed the crew is mostly women.

Stage 19. Just two days remain

Stop! We're just attacking ourselves!

Stupendous. I'm Mick Porterhouse and (sniffs hard) Woo!

Suffice it to say, during this section,

Suspicions arise. (glass shatters)

Sweat, and tears, and extra blood!

Take it easy on him! I think I'm gonna evacuate my bowels!

That an African couldn't have won that race.

That bicycle all over New York City.

That cycling was invented

That he had cooked down into a broth that he drank.

That is a sure thing.

That is if I don't pass out immediately.

That makes me even hornier than the picture of a cyclist.

That technically, since I've ridden every stage of the race

That virtually every rider in the race was doping,

That was Ditman Klerker. That was Ditman Klerken.

That was Ditmar Klerken. Ditmen Klirken.

That was Ditmar Perper. (sighs)

That was Ditmer Perten. Was that "Perten"?

That was it.

That was just a shocking moment of television.

That's a basketball player?

That's bonkers! Well, some interesting new developments in the race.

That's his name, okay. But he was crazy, though.

That's right, my boy!

That's right, you heard it.

That's Slim Robinson, taking a moment

That's so bizarre. I was gonna say,

That's something for people to think about

That's where I met Fabienne.

That's why he was lying.

The the shaving of legs.

The 187 kilometer ride from Fontenay sous Bois

The 1982 Tour de France has officially begun!

The final five, which I am dubbing The Fab 5.

The first black French dairy farmer.

The first day was canceled,

The first ever African cyclist.

The function of the red blood cell.

The Michigan basketball team who ultimately became much more famous.

The monotony continues. (man yawns)

The most watched sporting event on Earth,

The only riders left in the race.

The race starts now!

The race was boring.

The reason every rider was on drugs in the '82 race

The riders crawled across France,

The riders who have come from all over the world.

The riders' bulging, shaved quadriceps

The story of 170 extreme personalities

The Tour de France to continue

The UCI has decided to allow

The UCI has just informed me

The UCI should have understood that.

The water bottle created,

The way I say cheetah or the way I say "cheat ah"?

The way the French cover their sporting events is gorgeous.

The... stakes are medium!

Then celebrated that night with a well earned massage.

Then he would go over to the jukebox

There was also Letrozole and Cyclazadone,

There. You talking about Marty Hass?

There's some shit that's about to go down.

These five riders will forever be known as The Fab 5.

These men are literally trying to tear one another apart.

They are absolutely neck and neck right now!

They can act as a super powerful aphrodisiac.

They can act as a super powerful aphrodisiac.

They wouldn't get drug tested that year.

This is one for the record books!

This is the most important shit that has ever happened ever!

This is when I did crack cocaine,

This performance is off the charts!

This was the French news wave.

This wasn't the French new wave.

This wasn't the French new wave.

This year, I'll be on the bike, riding alongside the riders,

Those dudes shouldn't be singing about Africa.

Through flat plains from Basel to Nancy.

To call Jackie Robinson "Slim's uncle"?

To kick other riders in the face.

To me as the nephew of Jackie Robinson.

To really enjoy life.

To resume the following day,

To take turns riding up front

To the finishing line at the Champs Elysées.

To the ugliness that was about to ensue.

To understand doping, we must first understand

Today a man tell Gustav I cannot ride fast,

Trace amounts of Norethandrolone and Furazabol.

Uh, and then something weird happened.

Uh, I'm not familiar with that.

Um, my crashing into Rex

Under the guise of anonymity.

Until he found cycling,

Up and over some of the most breathtaking hillscapes in the world.

Very lilac and very hot.

Wait! What's this? Ladies and gentlemen,

Was a very tiny, misshaped penis.

Was a woman named Victoria Young.

Was considered manslaughter,

Was I happy that a black man won the Tour de France?

Was the best decision I ever made.

Was the first black man in professional baseball.

Was well documented.

We are in for an incredible finish!

We are the delivery men,

We can do this together. No, you do it for us, Marty.

We don't have that in Napa.

We produce dairy here milk, yogurt and cheese.

We saw him spill the milk, so why is she drinking milk in the very next scene?

We tied a rope to our bikes

We work alongside the other blood cells,

We would always be together.

Well, it's only day two. Don't kill yourself.

Well, that moment really set the groundwork

Well, to see Marty in the lead

Well, Tour's over. (scoffs)

Well, you seem very, very proud of your homeland.

Were introduced to Finland the year before.

Were it not for a forsaken water bottle.

What are you having trouble with?

What do you think about that, Gustav? Fucking hell, mate.

What the fuck is in his shorts?

What the hell is this?

What's a basketball player look like?

When a rowdy fan awoke a sleeping giant.

When I finally found out who stole my bicycle,

When I took a large dose of amphetamines,

When JuJu Peppi took his fatal tumble off a cliff.

When you put a crazy person

Where do I even come up with this stuff?

Where he could break the color line.

Where's my Nerds?" Honeycut: A Nerds shortage in Africa?

Which is a good sign. Is a not my fault!

Which is a thing that cyclists actually do,

Which means the debt has not been fully repaid,

Which was very white.

While simultaneously being in a heterosexual relationship.

Who have tied their bikes together.

Who was bold enough to speak frankly

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up, Rex.

Whoa!

Whoa! The dude was a chick!

Why punish me? Look at me.

With 3.5 billion viewers, it is far and away

With an engine in his bike.

With his record setting pace.

With literally hundreds of dollars on the line,

With my creation of the character Huey Black.

With only five guys, you really got to know each of them.

With only five riders left,

With only the five remaining cyclists,

With the finest oils available

With the upper body of an alien

Woman: Oh man! Man 2: It ripped his dick off!

Would not be the only barrier to fall that year.

Would you like to see them?

Wright: A perfect backflip from Rex!

Wright: And Gustav Ditters making good on his promise. (shouting)

Wright: And here we go!

Wright: And here we go. Looks like we're finally getting a race.

Wright: And here we go. Looks like we're finally getting a race.

Wright: And here's Marty Hass approaching the finish line.

Wright: And I have to say, Marty and Adrian,

Wright: And JuJu went in for the grope and is losing balance!

Wright: And that's not all.

Wright: Here we are, Stage 2,

Wright: Here we are, stage nine,

Wright: Here we go! He's into the tuck for the downhill.

Wright: JuJu's opened an impressive lead

Wright: Look at that form!

Wright: Now being passed by an old lady.

Wright: People are beginning to stand,

Wright: The race starts now.

Wright: The riders still holding tight in the peloton.

Yeah, burn it down!

Yeah, excuse me for one moment.

Yeah, hi. Can you ride fast?

Yeah, I mean, look where we are.

Yeah, it's a confusing commercial

Yeah, so, what's next for you?

Yeah, we gotta work together,

Yeah, well, it's not my turn.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes. Fuck Marty Hass!

Yes. This is what happens when you train super hard,

You ever seen the dudes in the band Toto?

You gotta take it down a notch out there, JuJu. You're going too hard.

You heard it here first, ladies and gentlemen,

You know, I love tending the land, milking the cows,

You know, I think it's a bit of a shame that

You know, nobody wanted to do the work.

You know, representing Nigeria

You know, Rex, riding like this has given me a chance to really stop and look around.

You know, there's an old saying in Nigeria:

You look like you're going to be carrying

You probably could, but it would take forever.

You put a little coke a in your nose, take a shit,

You really cared. It was just super strong character development,

You'll notice the woman doesn't climax,

You're not taking this bike! You tell Slim's uncle

...and I think I nailed it.

...and the white blood cells, who are the police force around here.

...because I did what I set out to do.

...JuJu Peppi's heart exploded.

...where he went to an all American private school.

...where he went to an all American private school.

...who are the construction men... Ow!

'cause I should've been focused on winning.

"and you won't be. Thanks you guys, Ditmer.

"Drag me away from you, from this great interview."

"from the creature with the highest VO2 max level

"How can you ride without the dick and the balls?

"make a check out to Ditmer Klerken

"PS, if you tell anyone about this,

(acoustic guitar music playing) (birds chirping)

(all chattering) (whistle tweets)

(angrily) What the fuck did you say to me?

(Armstrong speaks, distorted)

(Armstrong speaks)

(Baton speaks French)

(Baton speaks French)

(bell dings)

(bicycle bell dings)

(bicycles whizzing past)

(birds chirping)

(birds chirping)

(breathing heavily)

(buzzer sounds) Hamm: Not to be confused with the Fab Five,

(calmly) Slim Robinson by a long shot.

(cheering)

(cheering) Fuck Jackie Robinson,

(cheers, applause)

(cheery music plays)

(chuckles, speaks French)

(chuckles) Silly.

(clicks) Ah!

(cyclists moaning loudly)

(Delibes' "Flower Duet" playing)

(distorted voice)

(distorted voice)

(distorted voice)

(distorted voice)

(distorted voice)

(distorted voice)

(distorted voice) ♪ ♪

(door opens)

(dramatic music plays)

(engine revs)

(groans)

(groans) (crowd gasps)

(grunting in unison)

(grunts) Hey!

(heart beating) ...nearing the top of the Pyrenees

(heart beating) Unbelievable! JuJu Peppi's legs pumping away,

(high pitched tone) Hamm: The animator of the proceeding piece

(laughs)

(laughs)

(laughs) Ooh!

(laughs) Ooh!

(man 2 speaks)

(man 2 speaks)

(man 2 whispering) That's Chris Webber.

(man shouts)

(man speaks)

(man speaks)

(man speaks)

(man speaks)

(man speaks)

(man speaks)

(man speaks)

(man speaks)

(man speaks)

(man speaks)

(man speaks)

(man speaks) Oh shit.

(man whispering) Who's that?

(men groaning) Yay!

(officer speaks French)

(people screaming) Man: What the fuck? Jesus Christ!

(phone buzzing)

(pop music playing)

(pops) (shouting)

(roars)

(rock music playing)

(romantic music playing)

(shouting, grunting)

(shouting) (screaming)

(shouting) How is he doing this?

(shouting) Please put me down!

(shouting) Wright: Slim is moving at an incredible pace

(shouts in French)

(shouts) (bikes clack)

(sighs)

(sniffs) Oh, yes, uh,

(somber music plays)

(speaks Finnish, gasps)

(speaks French)

(speaks French)

(speaks French)

(speaks French)

(speaks French)

(speaks French) No!

(speaks French) Woo!

(video game music playing) When I was a kid,

(wailing)

(whimpers) Wright: Adrian Baton is, in fact, a woman.

(window blinds rustle, clack)

(woman speaks French)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪ (film projector clicking)

♪ ♪ Hass: It was a tough day.

♪ ♪ Pigs! Pigs!