How to Get Ahead in Advertising (1989) Fantasy Edit

A big boil. I believe it's justice.

A bowler hat, levitating in shock,

A horrid looking boil, spouting from your neck.

A joke. Just a joke.

A pot of soup would be for the few.

A thriller.

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Ah!

Aah! Have a look at it!

Aah! Mmm!

About as likely as the tits spread with peanut butter.

Advertising conspires with Big Brother.

Agitated it, insulted it.

All I've done is re edit them, re voice them and put in the truth.

All other products, especially those contaminated with advertising,

All right, I'll get you one, but on one condition.

All right, me. It was me. But I was ill.

All right, tell him this afternoon. Four o'clock this afternoon.

All right, then, what about a large turnip?

All right, then. The boil.

All their defences faced the wrong way.

And a little town called Aqaba.

And although I'm aware of the difficulties of coming to terms with this,

And as soon as you've had a proper rest, it'll go away.

And because we have her on a diet,

And believe me, you're going to have a monster on top of you.

And by Christ, Bagley, did I sell some radiators.

And everything from a nosh pot to a white sliced

And everything that is vile with this profession.

And for making our anniversary so special.

And fucks no more than 4.2 times a month.

And get me a couple of dispatch boys. I need some equipment moved.

And I can tell you, a pusher protects his pitch.

And I know everything there is to know about advertising.

And I think you are a vegan who eats meat in secret.

And I'll tell you something else. I didn't burst into flames, either.

And I'm not talking about atom bombs, darling.

And if it hasn't got a price tag, it isn't worth having.

And if it isn't, it must be high in something else.

And if it speaks again, we'll ignore it, won't we?

And in this case, I most certainly do not.

And it adheres to only one rule.

And it said it with this horrible sort of mouth.

And it's a plaque depicting a Marine shoving his bayonet into a Chinaman's guts.

And let me tell you something, boil.

And more than anything, people love their cars.

And most of all, I'd like to thank Julia for organising it all

And people with names like Barbara Simmons.

And please put that cigarette out. That's three in ten minutes.

And prepare yourself for another little fluctuation of blood pressure,

And second, I burnt it.

And secondly, we must reduce your punishing conscience

And she deserves them.

And she does.

And tell me what you see.

And telling you what to do?

And that is its health giving ingredient we will sell.

And that is that I could be awake to see you lanced.

And that is what's worrying Best Co,

And that's how I want to sell this pimple cream.

And that's the difference between you and me, boil.

And the instant she does, the guilt cuts in.

And the rags go along with it because they adore the dough from the ads.

And they're conducting a crime wave of unprecedented ferocity.

And this is its poisonous mouthpiece.

And this is its poisonous mouthpiece.

And underneath, "West London Campaign, 1898."

And what it is, is Lawrence of Arabia

And whee!

And when I've done it, I intend to make it my life's work to encourage others to do it.

And you are unable to accept the guilt for what you feel you've done.

And you can judge my madness for yourself.

And you'd better keep a record of what the boil says.

And you'd better keep a record of what the boil says.

And you're afraid of Big Brother?

And you're perfectly at liberty to hate me for it.

And, painful though it is for me,

And, uh, how long have you been married?

And, under the circumstances, I'm surprised you get to sleep at all.

Any other part of the human body, I'll sell it something.

Anyone but you and they would.

Anyway, what's all this got to do with me?

Anyway. That's not actually what I wanted to talk about.

Anywhere you want to look, they're at it.

Apart from 15 calls a day wondering where the fuck it is, they couldn't be happier.

Appears to be getting worried about its health.

Are not interested in selling wholesome foods.

Are you all right, darling?

Are you having an affair, Julia?

Are you there, Julia?

Are you there?

Are you there? I pray you're there.

As any kind of acceptable alternative.

As far as I know, they were completely normal.

As far as I was concerned, I'd given myself a detonator.

At least, a part of you.

At least, what he says it says.

BAGLEY: Help! Help! Help! Help!

BAGLEY: I don't want to go back in there.

BAGLEY: I love you. I love you desperately.

BAGLEY: Julia! Julia!

BAGLEY: Julia. Please don't scream or pull away.

BAGLEY: No! No! It's the boil! Aah!

BAGLEY: Not for nothing, cos she's free.

BAGLEY: Oh, Julia. Julia, darling.

BAGLEY: Or a pork pie.

BAGLEY: The world is in danger, Julia.

BAGLEY: What do they want another pimple cream for?

BAGLEY: Why don't you shut your trap, you cynical old anus?

BAGLEY: You're talking to the wrong head!

Barbiturate. They gave you a whopping dose.

Bathe it in warm water again.

Because anyone existing on 1,200 calories

Because Best Co wants to go on selling them what it always has,

Because I have eradicated the pimple cream from my life.

Because I know you have.

Because I'm all too aware of the tension you've been trying to conceal.

Because I'm the man who's taken the stench out of everything but shit.

Because it's all they've got.

Because it's written up in the kitchen.

Because this poor, sick creature with a box on his head was me.

Because you're frightened of what you might see?

Best Company Supermarkets

BLUE BIRD: All we gotta do is tell him to throw a rock through their window.

Boeuf bourguignon.

Boil busters. The boil busters.

BOIL: Ask Barbara Simmons. He'd fuck her as well.

BOIL: Bollocks!

BOIL: Breath. For many, the unmentionable.

BOIL: I had a nasty feeling I was going to have to wake up to this.

BOIL: I might be a shanker, but my word is my bond.

BOIL: Mmm. Smells good.

BOIL: Oh, dear, oh, dear.

BOIL: Put an end to the misery of dentures. You could smile again with confidence.

BOIL: Shall I tell you why people buy hydrogen bombs?

BOIL: Suit yourself. Suit yourself. Suit yourself.

BOIL: Who are you talking to, then?

BOIL: You should have had the fish fingers.

Boil!

Boil!

Boil.

Boils don't have ears! Boils don't have mouths that smile!

BOTH: Destruction of the rainforests by, amongst other things, hamburgers,

Breath and false teeth and things.

But he just had his stitches out, so naturally, we're a bit apprehensive.

But he's just exhausted. He's not really mad, is he?

But honestly, I assure you of its necessity.

But I got myself into some trouble with a gas fired heating system.

But I had this terrible, terrible dream, Penny, a nightmare,

But I never know what it's going to say next.

But I'd say you had the mark.

But I'm going to argue about it. I'm going to shout about it!

But I've gotta warn you, at first it might sound ridiculous.

But if anybody touches on anything real, it's irrational?

But if I was you, I'd have an early night.

But in a minute, I'll show you my film

But it is us who watch it. There's one in every living room.

But it was a lot more than that to me.

But it's impossible. You've seen.

But Mr Bristol's on the line again.

But Penny is our guest and I'd like you to apologise.

But the chances are 100 to one certain that it didn't.

But the man who sat here refused to accept my resignation.

But the one thing I'm not, darling, is insane.

But then I suddenly thought of a pork pie.

But there's a perfectly reasonable explanation,

But these boys would be full time into real estate

But we're not blind, we've got our eyes open.

But worst of all, there'd be no more cars.

But worst of all, there'd be no more cars.

But you've created a symbol of foul mouthed authority instead.

But, unfortunately, it's all we've got.

By Christ, they're entitled to them.

By God, I will!

By refusing to allow it to hide.

Can anyone think of a discreet way of changing the subject?

Can come up with a name like Barbara Simmons?

Can we diarise on that?

Can you handle a Monday pitch? It's a quickie. You'd have to go in dry.

Can you hear me, boil?

Can you speak?

Certainly. Everything I do is rational.

Chewing gum would probably disappear. So would pork pies.

Chewing the ends off pencils, smoking myself daft.

Clearly, we are looking for a label.

Cointreau, anyone?

Come along. We'll go and look at it together.

Come and lie down.

Come on, Dennis. I'm not gonna hurt you.

Come on, race! (GIGGLES)

Come on. He needs some help.

Come on. Let's sit you up straight.

Coming up to bed, darling?

Compared to this, piles were a birthday present.

Constantly! I've got a talking boil on my neck!

Cos I tell you, Bristol, any night now,

Cos if you went up, it would save me a job.

Cos it's not the only thing I've burnt.

Create a crime wave and up will pop some perfectly plausible head selling police.

Cut your throat, monster.

Darling, can't you see what you're doing this morning is equally out of control?

Darling, I know you're having a very difficult time at the moment,

Darling, it is not the boil.

Darling, Penny is our guest.

Darling, why don't you forget it a minute? Take the afternoon off.

Dennis doesn't even have a briefcase. He loathes them.

Dennis, for goodness' sake, stop getting so paranoid.

Dennis, listen to me. You're under tremendous stress.

Dennis's psychiatrist thinks it's a good idea to get him back into the swim.

Deserves a little treat.

Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.

Did he? Well, he's wrong.

Did she? Well, she shouldn't have.

Dignity? You're corruption.

Do it, then. Do it. Put me out of my misery.

Do you have trouble in getting an erection?

Do you really think I don't understand?

Do you think I could have a pillow?

Do you think I'm going mad, Julia?

Do you think women like filling their bodies with chemicals?

Don't be too long, because I'm practically dead.

Don't know yet. Right now we're stuck with "Filthy Harry's Final Solution".

Don't mind telling you, I was bored stiff.

Don't pretend you haven't noticed my cardboard box, Julia,

Don't speak. Just listen. I'm desperate.

Don't start getting emotional.

Don't start the old irrational bollocks with me, Bristol!

Don't turn off, darling. 60 seconds and I'll be back.

Don't turn off, darling. 60 seconds, and I'll be back.

Don't worry. We'll sort it out.

Don't you think I haven't noticed?

Don't you think the way you reacted could be considered a little irrational?

Don't you worry, old man. You have a little sleep.

Don't!

Down the bed with a huge black rubber torch.

Dr Gatty says you're simply paying the price of your creativity.

Dr Gatty, please. Julia Bagley.

Either a date or you give me some idea of what you're coming up with.

Even if I wanted to, I couldn't eat. I can't move my arm.

Even if it says something that might be of relevance?

Ever since Dennis came out of hospital,

Every time you say something, you turn away

Everything will be all right. You've had these sort of problems many times before.

Everything you've ever looked at was yours.

Everything's assembled from my old ads.

Everything's under control. Please stay and enjoy the party.

Except I'm gonna do them better.

Except in slow revolutions towards the crest of the next slag heap.

Except tend me moustache, of course.

Firstly, on a purely ideological basis,

Five minutes.

Food would rot in its packets.

Foot deodorisers would climax without hope of replacement.

Foot deodorisers would climax without hope of replacement.

For all I know, in a fortnight's time,

For the moment, make sure he keeps taking the tablets every two hours.

Frozen kippers... Just hang on a second, Bagley.

Fuck me. What I wouldn't do for a cigarette.

Get Bristol on the line and tell him I'm coming in to see him now.

Getting off at Thatchet won't help you. Getting off anywhere won't.

Give me a bald head, and I'll sell it shampoo.

God in heaven!

God, how can you be so naive?

God, it converses. I'm talking to it.

Going along with someone is not the same as listening to a tirade of obscenity!

Good God, this is a madman!

Greed has installed its lackeys into the highest offices in this land,

Greed is abolishing the future.

Greed is abolishing the future.

Happy anniversary, darling.

Has the bastard been whispering to you? Bastard! Bastard!

Has the boil spoken this morning?

Have they? I bought it in Marbella.

Have you gone out of your mind?

He had an operation. Went weird in the bed department.

He knows that, which is why he gets a good look in with the dying.

He said it's an absolutely normal boil,

He says he knows you're avoiding him and he says he insists on a time to see you.

He was overworked and nearly had a breakdown, but he's much better now.

He was under the covers. Said he'd lost something. Contact lens.

He's absolutely sex mad.

He's been peculiar, sexually.

He's obsessed with blackheads and fucking.

He's so shocked, his pigtail's sticking up like an exclamation mark.

Head...

Heh.

Here, have 'em. I've given up.

Here, have another suck.

How about a toast to Bagley and Julia?

How are we getting on with the pimple cream?

How dare some snotty Marxist carbuncle presume to deny them it?

How dare you! How...

How did you find out about my grandfather?

How do you think he'd react to a suggestion of psychoanalysis, Julia?

How nice.

How?

How's the new book coming along, Penny?

How's the new book coming along, Penny?

I am, Julia. It's got nothing to do with me.

I became obsessed with fears of spontaneous combustion.

I beg your pardon?

I believe you was unconscious at the time.

I believe you were about to explain

I can hardly move my arms. I can hardly move anything.

I can't bear it any longer, Julia.

I can't. I've been cancelling him all week. Why can't we cancel this dinner?

I could sell you anything from a boil to a hydrogen bomb.

I did not have a terrible time with piles.

I did not, I merely confirmed what the boil said.

I did. They're over the moon.

I didn't dare wake up and ask

I didn't know you'd invited Penny.

I didn't really want to have this party. I thought we might be rushing it a bit.

I don't approve of its rejection. I can no longer tolerate it.

I don't know why, but I can't. I'm running out of headaches.

I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know!

I don't need to look at the market research.

I don't rush out and buy your latest makeup.

I don't think that's a good idea.

I don't think we should do that.

I don't want to go too far into the details of what this might mean,

I estimate that as the very minimum we need

I even bought a fire extinguisher.

I finally ended up at a specialist who told me I'd given myself an ulcer.

I had absolutely nothing to do under there.

I hardly see a pork pie's got anything to do with it.

I hardly see that I should be the one accused of being silly.

I have a mind of my own. And I have a body of my own

I have bathed it in warm water again.

I have discovered that brains are being laundered daily.

I have found that out, but it shall be no more!

I have to be very quiet.

I have to tell you, Julia,

I have. I'm not smoking it. I'm just holding it.

I haven't got time to give lessons in advertising.

I intended to burn it. It's only going to upset you.

I just sit there, hour after hour,

I know everything about them. She's 37 years old.

I know exactly what I'm doing now.

I know exactly what I'm going to say.

I know it's going to be difficult, but I'll explain properly and you will understand.

I know this must be all sort of upsetting for you, darling,

I know.

I listened to you and all that Big Brother muck.

I looked at it in the bathroom mirror, and it spoke to me!

I may have had a problem getting ahold of them,

I only want one. I don't smoke.

I realise I've been very selfish.

I really don't want you to watch this, darling.

I refuse to argue with a carbuncle.

I refuse to be rendered unconscious.

I said, the bag may also have contained a pork pie.

I saw Harry yesterday. He said you were having problems with the pimple cream.

I see the police have made another lightning raid.

I see. So one could say that it's, erm, the voice of authority?

I see. So one could say that it's, erm, the voice of authority?

I shall not cease

I slept with a bucketful by the bed.

I suppose she does it out of some sort of social duty,

I tell you, I was desperate. I made myself ill with worry.

I tell you, Julia, I'm out of my mind.

I tell you, Penny, I'm still waiting to scream about it.

I think you're contemptible.

I think you're probably right. Not now, Sheila.

I thought by letting you discover the film for yourself,

I thought I was seconds away from bursting into flames.

I thought you were dead.

I told you where I'd put the briefcase.

I told you where I'd put the case

I took a month off and went abroad,

I want a call the moment he turns up.

I want her to see my film. Please?

I want to be heard. I want to be heard!

I want to come in from behind, where they least expect me,

I want to give them the choice of something better.

I want to make them fashionable.

I want to watch the film!

I want you around tonight when the shagging begins.

I wanted to tell the world about advertising.

I was brought up to believe in that, and so should you, but you don't.

I was just getting ready to clear my throat, that's all.

I was the best.

I wasn't getting all I needed out of normal green stuff.

I wish I could come out and talk to you, darling.

I wouldn't care if you were so huge we had to put up scaffolding to feed you.

I, Bagley, will see that they get them!

I'd also like to propose a small snifter to our new star.

I'd be decapitating it, and that could be dangerous.

I'd completely forgotten what a terrible time it's been for you.

I'd like another vodka martini, dry as a bone, twist, no olive.

I'd like to know your reasons.

I'd like to see the knife going in.

I'd like to see you suffer.

I'd say you'd be absolutely right.

I'll be waking up with a bald head and a bit of a grin.

I'll bring you something anyway. There's beef burgers or fish fingers.

I'll buy a couple of polo necks, and we could hop on a plane.

I'll do everything I can to harm you!

I'll give them anything and everything they want!

I'll take care of the problems.

I'm 100 percent normal.

I'm absolutely not gonna think about boils,

I'm already upset.

I'm also an expert drug pusher.

I'm an expert on tits. Tits and peanut butter.

I'm coming up with a brilliant advertisement for a very dull pimple cream.

I'm completing a process of natural selection.

I'm getting increasingly concerned for my future.

I'm getting nowhere. Zero.

I'm going crazy trying to incorporate it into my conversation so I won't upset you.

I'm going through everything in the house and isolating items of genuine worth.

I'm gonna blitz it.

I'm gonna collect something from my office.

I'm gonna turn them on and do them in the middle of an advertisement for themselves.

I'm likely to turn up here and burn this dump to the ground.

I'm not an expert in these things, Julia.

I'm not going to make a speech. I'd just like to thank you all for coming

I'm on the coast of panic. I'm staring over the edge!

I'm sick of hearing about her soya proteins.

I'm sorry, Julia, but I think your husband's completely bananas!

I'm sorry, Julia. I'm afraid Dennis is absolutely right.

I'm sorry. I can't bear that great, pompous herbivore in there.

I'm sure that before any attempt is made to get rid of it,

I'm surprised you need to bother.

I'm taking forever off. I'm going to cleanse my life.

I'm up to here with it. I know everything there is to know about rationality,

I've been going berserk!

I've been living a nightmare, obsessed with other people's acne,

I've come to give you a present.

I've got a boil.

I've had an octopus squatting on my brain for a fortnight,

I've heard all about your boil, Mr Bagley.

I've just seen you in the kitchen. I know you think I'm crazy,

I've washed it, dried it, poked it,

Ie, white breads, baked beans, canned foods

If a boil pops up, force yourself to think of something else.

If anyone came up with a genuine cure for death!

If happiness means the whole world

If I can do that, I can treble the market at a minimum.

If I had been stuck in a trench for three years,

If I had known we were having dinner, I'd never have suggested lunch.

If I was you, I'd turn this off, Julia. It's only gonna upset you.

If I was you, Julia, I'd turn this off.

If it wants to join in, it can pay its own bill.

If it's buggering the eels, think what it's doing to you.

If you breathe air, it works on you. Large one, no ice, please, Richard.

If you insist we have to listen to this bullshit, I need a cigarette.

If you like, we'd love you along.

If you like.

If you look at the market research...

If you tell me, the boil might be quiet.

If you want to sell this pimple cream, you've got to encourage pimples.

If you want to stay in advertising, by God, you'd better learn that.

If you're aware of it, how can you bear to work in an industry that perpetuates it?

If you're selling perfume, it sounds like a lover.

If you're selling something inedible you want people to eat,

Imagine seeing that in Peking. A plaque of a Chinaman

In a crisp, golden batter, my mate.

In my opinion, it should be lanced instantly.

In my opinion, they'd completely missed the brief.

In one of its fucking hatchbacks on a motorway.

In some stinking factory making disposable lighters or Christmas trees,

In the name of humanity, cut your filthy throat.

In the real world, I have a choice.

In this case, it would sound like a dentist, someone in the know.

In this case, it would sound like a dentist, someone in the know.

In where?

In which case, it might well be difficult to persuade him a psychiatrist could help.

Incidentally, in case it's bothering you,

Including eels? Eels full of oestrogen?

Insanity? You still want to sell 'em boils!

Is as nothing compared to the pimples, acne and boils!

Is going to lead to a world commodity crisis, and the commodity will be oxygen.

Is he? Julia out shopping?

Is it? Traffic's appalling.

Is more than just exhaustion, Julia.

Is so I can talk without disturbing it.

Is that him?

Is that it's not the boil that can read you.

Isn't that exactly what you're accusing everyone else of doing?

Isn't that trying to pretend it doesn't exist?

It belongs to Bagley. He left it at the studio.

It can't hear, you see?

It didn't. Believe me, it didn't.

It is you, Mr Bagley, that can read the boil.

It kept going on about a briefcase.

It may also have contained a big turnip.

It might be a relative. His mother.

It might work on everyone else. It doesn't work on me.

It must be appreciated from the beginning

It said Dennis is an incarnation of evil with a briefcase.

It said Dennis wasn't my husband. It said it was.

It seemed impossible. And because it was impossible,

It was me that decided to come here, not it.

It was the only reason I agreed to come off the garage roof.

It would be pointless to go into the reasons why,

It would have some sort of the****utic effect.

It'll all be over in the morning.

It'll sound as stupid as they'll have to be to buy it.

It'll sound as stupid as they'll have to be to buy it.

It's a massacre.

It's a photostat of an arse from a copying machine.

It's a vicious, but quite wonderful circle,

It's alive! It lives!

It's all quite normal, boil.

It's been on the bulletin board for weeks.

It's being forced on me. I just had them on the phone.

It's called peace.

It's called peace.

It's difficult for me to talk, because my sinuses are full of glue.

It's difficult to concentrate with a shanker yacking on your neck.

It's extraordinary how much steam comes off hot peas, isn't it?

It's finished. Just a fine tune. I'll be through over the weekend.

It's grown a moustache!

It's just grown a hair.

It's like a thing in a medical magazine.

It's my totally favourite scent, and they've stopped making it.

It's not finished, of course.

It's not funny, Penny. It's the most terrifying experience of my life.

It's not just the dream, Penny.

It's on a red and white receipt. I'll go and get it, if you like.

It's out of the question.

It's outrageous that Dennis should be allowed to manipulate children's minds.

It's probably a defect from birth. Come and rescue me. I'm being attacked.

It's radical and not without its risks, but I'm certain I can pull it off.

It's the boil shaking it!

It's the boil, Julia! Believe me, it's the boil!

It's the first time it's spoken in front of me, and it might be important.

It's the you know what.

It's turning truth inside out and upside down.

It's turning truth inside out and upside down.

It's you that's had the silly dream.

Jesus Christ, there wouldn't be any more packets.

Jesus Christ! What do you think you're doing?

Jesus, I've forgotten what I was going to say.

John. Bagley. I want to see you.

JULIA: "I thought leaving you was going to be so difficult.

JULIA: Dennis, darling! Dennis!

JULIA: You must stop worrying.

Julia! Julia!

Julia...

Julia's putting a party together. It's our anniversary.

Just ask Barbara Simmons.

Just like Lawrence of Arabia.

Just look at it in the mirror...

Just see Bristol and come home.

Just tell me how a boil

Just thought you might be interested in a little light rabbit to while the time away.

Large boils, blind boils or fat girls' boils, till ten o'clock tomorrow morning.

Large boils, small boils, fast eruptors. They're incurable, all of them.

Let me speak to Julia, and I swear I'll never speak again.

Let me try and clarify some of this for you.

Let's hear you squawk now.

Like, erm... Well, like a parent's voice, almost?

Listen, I don't think I'm gonna make it back tonight.

Listen, we've got to talk about this pimple cream.

Look at him. He's got a cigarette stuck in his bandages. The man's mad.

Look at you! You've got a polythene bag on your head. You look stark raving mad.

Look, I wasn't actually going through your handbag. I need a cigarette.

Look. This is what I suggest. Tomorrow, I'll call you with an appointment.

Look. This is what I suggest. Tomorrow, I'll call you with an appointment.

Lord, they're arriving. I'll tell you about this later.

Lot more likely than what you say.

MAN: There's a lot of boils out there, Bagley.

Marvellous.

Matter of fact, I'm very busy now. I better get back in there.

Maybe I was, but now I've had time to work things out, get everything in perspective.

Maybe the bastard wants to see the sights!

Meanwhile, the filth from their cars is wiping out half the forests of Europe.

Mmph!

Morning, darling. Lovely day.

Mouthwatering fillets of young cod, matey,

My God, you're right!

My grandfather was caught molesting a wallaby in a private zoo in 1919.

My mind slips into a sort of dreadful, oily neutral.

Never knew what was coming down the line.

Never! I'm gonna knife the swine!

Never. No matter what you reduce, I will never go back to advertising.

Nice pair of tits, Julia.

No truth ever gets out of here.

No, darling. Neither does yours.

No, don't! Don't lance the wrong...

No, it's not, darling. It's Dijon with fine herbs.

No, it's not, darling. It's Dijon with fine herbs.

No, Los Angeles 555 0472.

No, Mr Bagley, it does not.

No, no, he's finished. He'll be through Monday, for sure.

No, no. I think we should start again.

No. He's here now. I'll ask him.

No. I'm not afraid of him. I'm one of the few who really understands him.

No. I'm not interested in its opinions.

No. Monica.

No. Perfect, thank you.

Nobody ever remembers a late delivery, Richard. They only remember a bad one.

Nobody in advertising wants to get rid of boils, Julia.

Nobody's forcing them. Everyone knows what they're getting.

Nobody's forcing you to have supper.

Not being a medical man, I wouldn't take my word for it,

Not necessarily. He's almost certainly convinced of his sanity.

Not now, darling.

Not now.

Not particularly. Just the way you said it.

Not when I'm cleaning my teeth, I don't! Not when I'm doing anything, I don't.

Nothing crazy about that. It's a free market.

Nothing. All it does is throb and get bigger.

Nothing. It's just a big boil.

Now come to bed.

Now I'm going to have another.

Now we're going to have a nice dinner, and everything will be normal.

Now, I intend to commence vigorous intercourse at about one am.

Now, we must reduce this guilt in two ways.

Now, you resigned from an important firm with a very highly paid job.

Now. As I see it, we've gotta forget this for at least three months.

Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse!

Of artificial, synthetic, orange flavoured waffle a day

Of converting it back to a normal boil.

Of course I invited Penny. You'd better be nice to her, cos she's my friend.

Of course not. The last thing I want to do is excite him.

Of even one of those reasons.

Oh, Christ, I think I've woken him up. I'll have to be quick.

Oh, for God's sake, let's not have a row.

Oh, I don't know. I'm just so wound up about Dennis,

Oh, it's two o'clock in the morning! Will you please come to bed?

Oh, Jesus! Oh! Oh, my God!

Oh, Mrs Wallace! I didn't know you were here.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Nurse!

Oh, no I don't.

Oh, no, fine, fine. It's going fine.

Oh, no, I'm not. I'm just beginning to see the light.

Oh, no, not yet, you unwholesome pustule.

Oh, no, you're quite wrong, Julia. There's nothing out of control about me now.

Oh, so that's what's worrying you, is it?

Oh, that's interesting. What a complete range of dinners.

Oh, that's where you're wrong, Julia.

Oh, yes! It's time Julia had a baby.

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! You don't have to hold me quite so tightly, Dennis.

Oh?

OK, one o'clock.

OK. Ready? Here I go! Whee!

On England's green and pleasant land!

Once we've done that, we've got a good chance

Only because they're already there and don't eat up more and more and more.

Our warheads are stuffed to the brim with it.

Ow!

Packaging would vanish from the face of the earth.

People will either buy or they won't buy.

Perhaps if they'd hanged Jesus Christ,

Perhaps the fucker wants to go up the Eiffel Tower!

Perhaps they don't.

Perhaps, by doing this, you hope to escape your guilt.

Perhaps. But now, let's have a look at this bully on your neck.

PINK BIRD: Then knock on the door and sell them all a burglar alarm.

Piss like you needs dealing with! You're the enemy within!

Please stop that. I think you're ill.

Poor Penny. I'm surprised she'd come.

Pork pies, turnips, oven parts.

Precisely. Nobody's arguing about it, especially the government.

PSYCHIATRIST: What you must understand

Really?

Really?

Really? (CHUCKLES)

RECEPTIONIST: Sullivan Bristol. One moment.

Removing it in his condition might set up some kind of permanent block.

Rested and got myself a tan and then I came back.

Right, then, you're being rude. Unutterably rude and a bore!

Roads represent a fundamental right of man

Ruin everything we've got?

Running naked around a garden insisting a boil has spoken to you

Say no more, Julia. Don't say more.

Sell some hope, you see?

She has 2.3 children, 1.6 of which will be girls.

She has seven radiators and is worried about her weight,

She said he's got a permanent horn.

She said the boil had spoken to you.

She uses 16 feet six inches of toilet tissue a week

She who fills her basket.

She's telling me off because I think your husband's a genius.

Shouldn't really be telling you this. It was said in the strictest of confidence.

Shove vitamins in their toilet rolls.

Shut up, you little moron! I'd like to wring your bastard neck!

Shut up! I've had enough of you!

Shut up. You never talk in front of people, so don't talk in front of me.

Sit down! I'm going to call Gatty.

So busy thinking of the stress I was under,

So here we are again with our diet.

So I shall dismember them and return them via the sewers to the sea.

So we associate a relatively innocuous drug

So we could say, principally, that it's television that you blame?

So why don't you try and do it with some dignity?

So, how can we help them with that?

Someone or something coming into your life

Something on foot deodorisers in a brassière.

Sorry to disturb you, Mr Bagley,

Sorry. Afraid the clinch is the only dance I know.

Speak to her of what, boil?

Spritzer, please.

Standing on a double layer of foot deodorisers,

Stay away from me! Keep away!

Stay back, Gatty! You blast it on the radio!

Stop getting so wound up about it. It'll come.

Stop saying "the you know what".

Stop saying perhaps! What's perhaps got to do with it?

Tasty bit of glue, is it?

Tell him OK. I'll be in first thing Monday morning.

Tell them to come in, Sylvia, do whatever they like.

Terrific. Didn't feel a thing.

Thank you. Thank you.

That even the nosh pot must be low in something.

That horrible sneer and mouth full of nuts.

That isn't the real world.

That smoking can seriously damage your health

That was the boil. Ignore it.

That wasn't me. That was the boil.

That you keep quiet while you're smoking it.

That you'll keep quiet while you're smoking it.

That'd be lovely.

That's a very attractive oven glove.

That's absurd.

That's nonsense! It was you that suggested France.

That's not the case, Julia. I'm not turning away to speak.

That's right, you cynical bastard.

That's right, you cynical bastard.

That's right. Closeups of hives.

That's very rude of you, Mr Bagley.

That's what's so insane about all this. Anything else, I'm fine.

That's why they're old fashioned and rotten.

That's why you hate them. That's why government hates them.

The bag could have been full of anything.

The bag may have contained heroin,

The bag was full of drugs! It says so!

The bastard looks just like me!

The bastard's on fire!

The boil happens to be able to speak, but that doesn't qualify it to give an opinion.

The boil! The boil!

The bullying, aggressive, dictatorial side.

The distortion of truth by association book.

The fucking's going to start in about an hour,

The greed is out of control.

The idea is we all sort of go along with him.

The last thing they expected was for Lawrence

The level of oestrogen in the sea will be as much as two parts per million.

The market's saturated.

The moment I think of a boil,

The monstrous injustice of it is, we stare at it of our own free will.

The only fucker this ever frightened was the Chancellor of the Exchequer.

The only thing he'd consent to at the moment is me lancing the boil.