Mascots (2016) Edit

A Moosing Grace. A Mascot's Journey to God and Success in Real Estate.

A non league team in South Croydon.

A place called Mount Rushmore,

A spiritual community called Highway to Heaven,

A thousand seats,

A very messy personal life and a terrible driving record,

About some of the prep, that I call it, for the show.

Actually, we have one teacher who's not completely blind.

After all this time. Uh...

After Connor went to college, I had all this free time, I thought,

After his Coco Pops, he said he was gonna go and take that ladder back

Again, in any situation.

All in favor of the motion, say "aye" and lift your hands up.

All of us are going down there because we have a passion for this craft.

All right, let me stop you right there. Why can't you hear them?

All right, Monty, we need to step on it, buddy.

All right, well, I'm listening to you now.

All right? Good luck, mate.

All right.

All the way across the front there.

All those years in the shop, I used to say to you,

All you can eat.

Almost like a T. Rex.

Alvin is Alvin.

Alvin the Armadillo.

And a severe severing of my adductor longus muscle

And added two and a half inches to my left leg, forcing me to retire.

And ask him if he finds the term "squaw" offensive.

And believe me, every mascot knows just how important those awards can be,

And believe me, it wasn't cheap.

And cheerleading, and scholarship, and, um...

And determine whether or not they want to have it on television.

And entertain our citizens, we got a pretty solid future.

And for me, the glass is not half empty, and the glass is not half full.

And for me, the sound of that sound...

And frankly, I'm more offended by the word "leaping."

And he goes, "Well, not like that. You would be in my act as a straight man."

And he said, "No, those are just your eyes."

And he'll just go, "That's a masterpiece," or something. You know what I mean?

And her grown son has moved out of the house,

And I can move, and they can watch me move,

And I can't tell you how much I appreciate you coming all the way from New York.

And I feel so fulfilled, too,

And I fell.

And I found out when I was 16 that my mother, who lives in Electric Mills,

And I go home, and I start researching a little bit,

And I got somethin' percolating in my brain.

And I have volunteered to perform

And I hope she's here to stay. And...

And I hope you're proud of yourselves

And I hope you've got the receipt,

And I just...

And I know that you have the... whole physical thing going.

And I like how that felt, and he, uh...

And I lived and breathed my mascot life, like, 25/8.

And I love Dad, and I love his routine,

And I popped a lot of money for those tickets,

And I see that they're movin' through me and what I do.

And I sprained my ankle, and I had to hobble.

And I think I've had maybe, oh...

And I think we can do it. We'll put our heads together.

And I was a cheerleader in high school, so, um...

And I was bouncing in a place called the Cabbage Patch.

And I was like, "Right on, dude. I'm straight and I party."

And I was like, "Yeah, I'm your sister. I love you."

And I was wondering if maybe you'd like to be my guest.

And I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if we sell out this year.

And I...

And I... [chuckles]

And I'd had a bit involving the ladder, but my dad's not too keen.

And I'll find a Jaffa Cake and all if I can.

And I'm a judge this year for the Fluffies.

And I'm a junior executive at the Gluten Free Channel.

And I'm doing a pratfall,

And I'm not saying crabs walk like that,

And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for your syphilis.

And I've had a lot of personal growth.

And if that happens, well... it's like a whole new level.

And if you throw a little twist in,

And in 1905, the club was formed by the workers at the pudding factory.

And it is now my honor to introduce to you, Gabby Monkhouse.

And it is possible that could happen,

And it said, "I'm your sister."

And it wasn't the beauty alone.

And it's been unbelievable since.

And it's enabled me to quit my job as a real estate appraiser.

And it's fascinating

And it's going well.

And it's not. It's "Jolly."

And making my way, you know, into a crevasse. You know, rappelling.

And meet me here.

And Michael Landon stared back at me through the screen as if to say,

And my father, um...

And my manager was like, "Shut it down." I was like, "What? This is too good."

And next year, fingers crossed, if we're really, really lucky,

And no winner was unanimous.

And not only that, but I mean, he was like,

And now she is divorced,

And now, the World Mascot Association Bronze Fluffy goes to...

And of course, none of this would be possible

And particularly Jessica here.

And people are already lining up

And plus, I get out on top.

And plus, there's gonna be some plumbers in the audience.

And right now, cochlear sex is really trending very hot.

And Ruby has a little one. Ruby Jr.

And said, "It ain't working."

And Santa just went right down.

And Sarah and I now run a lovely little vegetarian café in Purley.

And say hello and meet and greet somebody maybe you've never met before?

And several, several countries.

And she says it so much

And she was so good. She was... You were so good.

And she wrote me another note and passed it.

And she's living in Orange County, California.

And so, certainly, congratulations to all the finalists.

And so, eventually,

And so, I found, as the game progressed, that...

And some opposing players and team mascots.

And that began what is really a family dynasty now.

And that means I'm...

And that really... I mean, that used to, literally, never happen.

And that was kind of a crazy meeting

And that was when the nurse told me that I also had syphilis.

And that's when I clock the audience,

And that's when the crowd is starting to laugh

And the boat carrying Santa Claus turtled,

And the judges and I went through all the applications and the audition tapes,

And the part of the act that people really responded to

And then he wants to sniff it. He wants to sniff all my bags.

And then it's like, "Come on, let's go. Let's go."

And then my policeman Tourette's kicked in.

And then some other states, too.

And then the other piece is that it has kicked open some doors for me.

And then those things generally play well with women.

And then we have anchovy.

And then, of course, the audience is over here.

And then, we have the same birthday.

And then, when I was 16, on my 16th birthday, I got this.

And then, you couldn't do the pageants. So, that was...

And there's another pedal on top of that.

And they decided they wanted to have a mascot.

And they have a ladies fishin' night. We can all go out on a boat.

And they open 'em up.

And they put their hands in my hands

And they're gonna say, "Hey, a plumber wouldn't do that."

And they're starting to get enthusiastic.

And this exercise that I'm gonna teach you

And this is, by far, the best turnout we have ever had.

And those who can't teach gym, teach driver's ed.

And those who can't teach, teach gym,

And to be appreciated for excellence in my field...

And to be fair, I am currently serving

And turning around and acting all coy.

And we don't just work together on the field.

And we even had to hire translators

And we finally narrowed it down to 20 finalists.

And we get to spend way more time together.

And we got a sex problem

And we never really lived down the name the Channel That Killed Santa Claus.

And wear a fez?"

And what do we need to do? We need to change it.

And while I'm at it, if you're a young lady

And while you're at it, have Philip bring along a ladder."

And you can't trust Wikipedia, either.

And you keep knocking it down.

And you know, some of the great groups that I rely on

And you liked when I bought you the baseball team.

And you too.

And you were like, "I wish we could have eaten these popsicles beforehand."

And you'll see what's going on.

And, uh, I think what...

And, uh... [stammering] it grew from there, really.

And, uh... blow into the magical horn

And, um...

And, um...

And, um... it said, "No, you're really my sister.

And, um... you know, couple times a week,

And, you know, I I...

Another little person, shorter than you even.

Anyway, on from there, we went to the Varicose Vein Channel,

Apparently because he needs it to do a pogo stick routine.

Are Tom Thumb and Tiny Tim and Pinky Promise,

Are you centered?

Are you? Do you? I mean...

As my alternate.

Ask me for five bucks.

At a charity event that she's organizing for a group of disadvantaged children.

Babe.

Based on race, creed, gender or sexual orientation."

Based on the spiritual teachings

Bathroom's on the left.

Because he actually got into the club dressed as the Fist,

Because if one of the winners were to sign a major league contract,

Because she's working on the insides and I'm working on people's outsides.

Because so many people think mascotting's been around for 200 years.

Because that's what people'd be looking at.

Because the Gluten Free Channel is sending two executives to watch our show

Because there are some kind of weird languages out there.

Because, later on that year...

Because, literally,

Before that, I was a PA on the hit show Does That Smell Normal?

Behind the kettle, Dad.

Benny the Banana Slug [whispering] failed his drug test.

Best mascot in the world, ever... that year.

Between the age of 48 and 68 in Manitoba, Canada,

Big ladder.

Blumquist, AJ. They should have the John Wayne suite ready.

Boys are looking good. Clemence!

Bronze Fluffy, Silver Fluffy and Gold Fluffy.

But as I lay there in the hospital bed,

But crabby walk gets you in a frame of mind of...

But especially on the side of a mountain, where you feel...

But having crampons on a glacier with an ice ax

But he's East Indian. He's not Native American.

But I also think it's from other people, too.

But I didn't live then, sadly enough.

But I do have a ticket for the mascot competition in Anaheim,

But I enjoy it. It's fine. It's all a bit of banter.

But I have a lot of fans in Mexico, south of the border,

But I know exactly how it happened, and, uh...

But I licked my wounds. I just kept going.

But I love him!

But I really think now is the moment

But I really wanna spend my time giving back.

But I'd like another button on there. Something that's a little more satisfying.

But if a rabbi can get together with a worm

But in my real life, I am Jack the Plumber...

But in one second, you're not here and I'm still here."

But instead, he was promised an empire.

But it felt respectful.

But it meant... "Gay" meant something different...

But it's all gonna be worth it

But it's easier to prepare vegetables than meat.

But it's just not...

But since you are representing something that might be considered offensive,

But studying dance was really, uh...

But that's not the point.

But the popcorn is really, really going on strong,

But the teachers can see.

But then we discovered

But then, the scritching thing you said, what is that?

But we're not on a team anymore?

But when I woke up in the emergency room, I thought to myself,

But with support groups, I've made a lot of progress.

But yeah, she wound up marrying Steve Nunan, captain of the soccer team,

But you can.

But you know, fuck it.

But you know, they ate it up, so to speak.

But you know, you can go too far and then...

But, uh... you always gotta keep your wits about you, don't ya?

But, you know, and that's the kind of chemistry that we have now.

But, you know, the muscle cars and the large cigars.

But... you, you're a better Sid than I could have ever been.

By this time next year.

Call the morgue.

Called Do the Backs of My Legs Look Like Waffles?

Campbell Tile and Carpet. You say it, we lay it.

Can I give you some advice, Hedgehog?

Can I help who's next?

Can you feel the excitement in the air?

Caught my eye because they pulled these incredible numbers out

Coins?

Colorado...

Come on now. We talked about this.

Congratulations to Sid the Hedgehog and all of our contestants!

Congratulations, Heshe.

Congratulations, Jack. Well deserved.

Congratulations, Sid. Congratulations.

Congratulations, Sid. Congratulations.

Couple of beats after the solo, I missed a couple of steps, you know...

Courage. You're drinking for courage.

Dad... Dad was Sid before me, and his dad was Sid before him.

Dehydration, heat exhaustion, the hours in the head, what was it for?

Did he yip or did he yiff?

Do it.

Do what you wanna do, then take it back and get your money back.

Do you prescribe antidepressants?

Do you remember Mr. Drum's technology class,

Do you wanna piss on tradition? Do you? Go to Her Majesty.

Dogs are funny, aren't they?

Don't know. I'm not in that business.

Each one of us had to serve as a tiebreaker.

Even if they don't know who you are.

Excuse me. Purley.

Failure is not an option.

Favorite? Well, they're all about as good as each other, I think.

First, FYI, I found out it's free sausage night tonight at the waffle place.

Five years ago at a mascot competition.

For a...

For about a little over two years.

For me to finish with the big ladder routine.

For me, it is that sound. The sound of that crowd.

For some physical incidents that took place between myself

For the entire length of an extra inning baseball game

For the paper machine.

For the two people that don't know, Danny the Donkey, my mascot, alter ego,

For the World Mascot Association Championships.

For which I was the mascot.

FRC was next, the Fence and Railing Channel.

From Amelia Earhart College for Women in Mississippi,

From Beaumont College in Modesto, California,

From Beaumont College in Modesto, California.

From the Chanderaihi Cricket Club in India,

From the South Fork Herons in Kansas,

From the Tussolon Tigers in Israel.

From the Willingham Rovers in London, England,

From the World Mascot Association goes to...

Fun story. Initially, we were going to be,

George Washington...

Georgia, Florida...

Get back here.

Get back here. Stop that rabbit!

Get it? [laughs]

Give yourselves a round of applause.

Go get 'em, Tiny.

God bless, sweetheart.

Going to college on a cheerleading scholarship.

Golly the Gay, Golly Gosh Gay, Gay Man Golly.

Great. God bless each and every one of you.

Had an affair with her daddy, who runs a filling station.

Hanging from a cliff, you know, from a technical climb,

Have a seat. Let me give you a hand here, buddy.

Have fun.

Have you drank any alcohol today?

He ain't in the building. We've already been here!

He came to me and he said, "I need a straight man for my act,"

He continues to show me a good time. He tells me whatever I do is cool.

He did it!

He explained it to me and I figured it out,

He is your son.

He put the team in my name, and that meant a lot, too.

He said, "Skip," and I said, "No, my name's Buddy."

He was gone,

He was great, wasn't he? [laughs]

He was not making me do a bunch of weird stuff all in one night.

He was not...

He was Randy the Elephant. He was a great, great man.

He went looking for that empire.

He wouldn't have had to do it at all if you hadn't told him to do it.

He'll get out, so...

He's always loved it more than I did.

He's just... If you listen...

He's legally blind.

He's missin' a little button at the end of his act,

He's missin' somethin'.

He's never late for anything. It doesn't make sense.

He's showing me the ropes.

Hedgehog.

Hello, there. I'm Upton French.

Hello, uh, I'm Owen Golly Jr.

Hello!

Hello. This is Cindi.

Help. Help! [laughs]

Her inner soul, heart, mind, all the nerves, that whole world.

Here we go. Other side.

Heshe and the Worm.

Heshe the Rabbi and Willy the Worm, Tussolon Tigers Canoe Team, Israel.

Hey, partner. What's the problem?

Hey, Phil. How are you feeling? Nervous?

Hey, you okay?

Hey.

Hi, there.

Hiding under coffee tables and behind sofas.

Highway to Heaven. Wow, yeah.

Holy cow.

How do you drive a car? Does some... Do you sit on someone's lap or what?

Huh?

Hundreds of mascots wanted to compete in this year's competition.

I always thought he was ****stani.

I am the official mascot of the Blue Lake Mallards.

I bet it's a real tiny, little car, is it?

I brought my nail art here, to the seniors.

I call this the crabby walk, okay?

I can climb it. It's fine.

I can move any way I want, and, um... I love it.

I can see some of you out there sizing up the competition,

I can use my dance, and I can help heal people, really.

I can't go up there and do something you've been doing your whole life.

I can't take my eyes off of you. You're a funny little guy.

I can't tell you how excited I am to be here.

I can't wait to see you do it.

I definitely wanna do this jousting thing.

I didn't know that. Would you excuse me just for a second?

I didn't watch the whole thing, but you did a great job.

I do.

I don't hate your eyes.

I don't know if you can smell it,

I don't know if you know who Jack the Plumber is.

I don't know if you've heard of it, where they have a facade

I don't know it like you do. You are Alvin.

I don't know what I'd do without her.

I don't know, but I found him licking his lips and saying,

I don't know!

I don't remember that.

I don't think it's overstating anything

I don't think so. I think I'm in the John Wayne suite.

I feel like I wanna give you another hug.

I find it so peaceful, and I just...

I give it a beat or two.

I got a really great job

I got you this time. You get back here right now.

I gotta go.

I guess.

I had to find some electrical tape, but we're all good.

I had to wash it away with a little moist towelette,

I have a pretty standard car.

I have Ruby and Jamaica.

I haven't left him, and I think it's because...

I hope you rot in hell.

I just called him Eddy.

I just cut out the middleman and went straight to the fist...

I just feel horrible.

I just wanna stick a hairbrush down there and get it out.

I kind of would love to try sushi.

I know we talked about it. We've talked about it a lot.

I know you.

I know. I know. I'm not disqualified.

I like 'em, yeah.

I like a guy that just thinks everything I do is great.

I like to put my lips on it.

I looked up at the television, and Highway to Heaven was on...

I lost it in a skateboarding accident.

I love all kinds of dancing. I can hip hop. I can pop.

I love him like a son.

I love old people, so... I always have.

I love rappelling because I love holding rope.

I love talking to them, and I love being just quiet with them.

I love that you came.

I love you. You're an old pillock, but I love you.

I love, um... I love putting on the mask,

I loved it. I've been doing it for a long time.

I made a reservation. I got a confirmation number right here.

I make a third of the money, but I'm 50% happier, so...

I mean, did they make you this size just to fit in the Worm costume?

I mean, I remember, I was like, "Oh, my God."

I mean, I'll make some macramé shit bag, you know?

I mean, it was just a fiasco. Emotionally, professionally, personally.

I mean, you can go back to like 1500 BC.

I missed you, too. Mmm.

I need to see your driver's license and proof of registration.

I need you.

I once held the splits

I pretty much grew up at Peacedale Park.

I put you down...

I really think it can be much better.

I remember the mascot. I didn't know that was you.

I see my role in the controversy that was involved in that.

I show up with my bottles of paint, and my nail files and my brushes and...

I sold the butcher's...

I spread it out.

I started as Kenny the Kangaroo for a local high school football team.

I stay away from medical terms like micropenis.

I studied music and dance therapy here at the college,

I think "squaw" is sweet.

I think a lot of people say,

I think I saw you.

I think Mascotting is... To me, it's all about giving back, you know.

I thought I was meant to get out and come and...

I thought the guy was going for my wallet, so I turned around real quick.

I thought the pencil was pretty great.

I thought we were practicing this... This part.

I thought your son's name was Connor.

I understand that.

I used to stand at the Flange Road end behind the goal,

I want him out of the building. I want him on the street.

I want you to look at the tip of my pen. All right?

I was a better Sid than my dad ever was,

I was born... I was born like this.

I was in the other room, and one of them kind of bumped into me.

I was kind of browsing around escort services,

I was online one day.

I was probably this high, you know... [exhales]

I went to the Fluffies five years ago, and I got honorable mention.

I will then surrender the mic to the lady.

I will.

I wonder if that's a real rabbi.

I would second that.

I wrote a tale... [chuckles] documenting that journey.

I'd like to make a motion that we reject the claim against this young lady.

I'll be the tall one looking at you.

I'll be watching from the wings.

I'll go down into the tunnel, where we all live

I'll tell you what,

I'm also currently serving a lifetime ban from the Calgary Cavaliers

I'm Alvin the Armadillo, or Armadilla, depending on where you're from.

I'm always telling him how good he is!

I'm an armadillo. We're not the Leaping Squaws anymore.

I'm an aromatic engineer.

I'm Choctaw.

I'm Cindi Babineaux.

I'm crazy about you.

I'm doing the best I can with...

I'm drinking for courage. I'm in it to win it.

I'm Gabby Monkhouse. I'm in the John Wayne suite.

I'm gonna be around like minded people.

I'm gonna do the ladder routine that I've been working on.

I'm gonna drop my stuff, my gear, there.

I'm gonna enter from over here. Got my bag of... bag of tricks.

I'm gonna say, "Pal, you're gonna get this."

I'm gonna take you with me when I climb Mount Everest.

I'm good at hearing things in voices, and you had a thing with the scritching.

I'm in the business of "it needs to be higher," though.

I'm just not offended by the word "squaw." It means a little Indian girl.

I'm not gonna be able...

I'm not mental. I love meat.

I'm originally from Ireland.

I'm phallically challenged...

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry you can't do it. I really am.

I'm sorry, babe.

I'm sorry, but rule 22C

I'm the program manager of the Gluten Free Channel,

I'm Tommy.

I'm too sick.

I'm trying to get pregnant, so I'm not drinking.

I'm worried that my act is gonna get kind of lost on them.

I've been better.

I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off,

I've been working on this routine for months, Dad, and it's good.

I've come up with what I like to call the scented cup.

I've got bruschetta.

I've got loads of it in the motor home if you want.

I've never been out and about like this before.

I've never thought of "squaw" as being an offensive term.

I've seen the Americans' acts. They're bigger. They've got big finishes.

I've told you time and time again about the ladder routine,

I've weighed 161 pounds since 11th grade.

If he ain't here, we're gonna have to call the police.

If he yiffs... If that happens, well, then you got a problem.

If I lived then, I'd be on the right, be something different, be fun, go nuts.

If I told you you moved your head, you moved your head. Correct?

If you got people yipping and yiffing and skipping and all that stuff.

In any of your social media, "Hashtag, in your ear,"

In fact, could you all just take a moment

In my pretend life, I am a real estate appraiser.

In spite of excruciating pain...

In the field.

Is nature personified, okay?

Is not in service at this time.

Is that a fact? Well, all I want is one.

Is that a margarita machine?

Is that how you got to this size?

Is that we are no longer Mascotting.

Isn't this something?

It all comes down to the next few minutes.

It costs a fortune to phone foreign, don't it?

It could be my last time, you know? This could be my last hurrah.

It had bugs in it.

It has come to our attention

It is truly a dream come true for me.

It is. David's my fiancé.

It is. It's an outfit.

It looks, from your breathing, like you might not be centered.

It might just be hers.

It seemed different. The...

It took away a lot of purpose from me.

It took me seven and a half years to graduate, but I did.

It was around that time that I got into sports mascotry.

It was for today.

It was immense.

It was one of them football notes.

It was one of those small commuter planes, and I kind of... [mimics retching]

It was so sweet, and it just...

It was this sweet, sweet...

It wiped me out of pep rallies and homecoming

It would've been in my hometown. It would've been in Medicine Hat, Alberta.

It's a bit of a legacy. It's not what I dreamed of doing.

It's a form of affection. Furries love to do it.

It's a form of roleplay. It's huge.

It's a pedal extender. And that's it.

It's a squirrel.

It's always full.

It's amazing I made it through school at all.

It's been an emotional day 'cause we lost someone today.

It's been exciting, you know, just to be celebrated...

It's Daddy.

It's for a new bit.

It's hard to do that wrong.

It's hard to thank people when they hurt your face.

It's just a little strain and, uh... Yeah.

It's like a friend in my mouth.

It's like I can be...

It's like nature saying, with a big hand, slapping you across the face and saying,

It's like, you know, walking around with a porta potty.

It's okay.

It's okay. You can help me just by sittin' down. That's fine.

It's one of the few instances of sadism in the animal world.

It's the same as the c word, or the n word or something.

It's what we always do at church. Isn't that fun?

It's what we've all been waiting for.

Jack the Plumber enters, and he's kind of big and looking around,

Jack the Plumber, Beaumont College, Modesto, California.

Jack the Plumber.

Just a nipper when I first went to the ground.

Just being inside of him.

Just don't make me carry it. Please.

Just someone who likes to dress up like an animal with human characteristics.

Just stay off of it for a couple of days...

Kirby, what's up, bro?

Knock, knock, knock. Hello.

Laci passed me a note in class.

Laci, with an "I."

Laci...

Lead the way, my honor.

Let's go and see him! Let's go and see him!

Like you, yes.

Listen to me.

Looking at 'em and thinking, "That's my arch enemy."

Looking good, boys. Looking good!

Lot of people say I'm the bad boy of sports mascotry.

Mascots?

Maybe 200 feet?

Might be the first little guy to be up there.

Might have been "yiff." And I said he was going for the wallet.

Mike has IBS, so it's tough.

Miss Babineaux, a formal complaint has been lodged against you.

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm.

Mmm.

Mmm... I don't know about that.

More just where your eyes end up

More like he was going for loose change, if you know what I'm saying. All right?

Mr. Lumpkin.

My classmates loved that one.

My favorite kind of dance is modern.

My name is Phil Mayhew.

My name is Ron. I'm the Worm.

My name is Tommy, also known as the Fist.

My parents founded a...

My shell.

My swan song.

My wife says that I look like I have cataracts.

My wife's... I'm not.

Never comes out in the day... Maria.

Never listened to my own advice, did I?

Never. Me too.

New York?

No plus one.

No, Dad, there wasn't just a ladder there. I bought that ladder.

No, I announce the gold category.

No, I can do that.

No, I just...

No, I was distracted.

No, sir, you're actually in the Slim Pickens suite.

No, they made me this size when I was born.

No, we're at the Burbank office.

No, you gotta do it.

No, you're not a brilliant listener.

No? Really?

No. God, no. He was insistent.

No. I couldn't resist.

Not my words. The words of Michael Landon.

Nothing. It's just... I think a furry snuck in, and he's scritching.

Now, because there's a ladder here...

Now, go get 'em.

Now, I didn't even know that you could still get syphilis,

Nursing my shattered ribs and my pulsating groin,

Of four of our Founding Fathers on this mountain.

Of Michael Landon in the 1980s' TV program.

Of this very difficult show.

Official mascot for the Beaumont College football team.

Oh, all right.

Oh, are you kidding me? It's my pleasure.

Oh, baby.

Oh, boy, what's her name? [chuckles nervously]

Oh, God. I've been calling him Kent.

Oh, good. Hope you liked what you saw.

Oh, gosh! [chuckles]

Oh, hello. You're too young to be drinking that.

Oh, I could read it if you don't have it prepared.

Oh, I could read it if you don't have it prepared.

Oh, I see. I thought maybe they shrunk you down or somethin'.

Oh, I've missed you.

Oh, it's like a special treat for them, yeah.

Oh, man. It was good times.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Honey, did I ever tell ya?

Oh, my.

Oh, my. Well, it doesn't matter to him.

Oh, no way. That is gonna be good. This is Cindi.

Oh, no, these kids, they just wanna have a good time.

Oh, now, I'm not a good listener?

Oh, so, you're a legitimate little person?

Oh, sorry. That was my fault.

Oh, sweetie.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Oh, thanks, Dad.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Oh, that's okay. Why don't I give you a tour?

Oh, the greedy little bugger. Do you have any coins?

Oh, the kids are so excited.

Oh, yeah. "And carry a selfie stick.

Oh, you know what? He probably did a nickname thing, "Dibs." D I B S.

Oh, you still throwing up?

Oh, you wanna try my gum?

Oh, you're the Worm!

Oh!

Oh! [chuckles]

Oh! He's a little baby. He's a little baby.

Oh.

Ohio, Indiana, Kentucky...

Okay, Alvin, do my sister good.

Okay, but you can tell me with your mouth and not your hands.

Okay, he yipped. If he yipped, that means "hello."

Okay, I'll drive the first shift. Sure.

Okay, right.

Okay, so you want me to recruit a little person for you?

Okay, we actually have you for the Slim Pickens suite.

Okay, well, I hope you have two eyes on the show tonight. [chuckles]

Okay, well, that was too...

Okay, yeah, but I always get chosen for a TSA pat down,

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. All right.

Okay. Crabby walk.

Okay. Right, okay. All right.

Once his knees started going, he was insistent that I took over.

Only... Well, 37% of them apparently enjoy sex very much,

Ooh.

Or biscuits or like...

Or I'm, like, pretending to grab the ref's butt

Or... or having crampons on, which I like to do anyway.

Oregon, Texas, New Mexico,

Otherwise, you know, people think you're talking about something else.

Our chemicals are the same.

Our first contestants,

Our tradition is great.

Owen Golly Sr. Sr., got chosen to be Sid the Hedgehog,

Part of what's helped, and probably the biggest change,

People aren't supposed to eat live fish.

People from the northwest are going crazy for this, this anchovy.

Playing Jack the Plumber at trade shows for a company that makes high end rivets,

Please welcome back our celebrity judges.

Please welcome our celebrity judges.

Pointy and Grindy.

Porta potties, I've been in. Many of them.

Pull over immediately.

Pulled in some very big numbers on a special I ran

Punt.

Really, everybody involved in that production

Religious commune, I suppose you'd call it.

Remember, in this country, you could be anything you want to be.

Right.

Right. It kind of just wiped me out.

Right... but look up. Don't be afraid of looking up.

Robin Wexler, the hottest girl at Higbee High School.

Robin, I don't know if you're busy tomorrow,