Last Action Hero (1993) Edit

A rooftop funeral service in Long Beach. How's that for taste?

A ticket.

Acne, shaving, premature ejaculation and your first divorce.

After I rip off both of your thumbs?

All I have to do is snap my fingers and they'll be here.

All may yet be well.

All right, I'm unarmed. So let the boy go.

All right. Let's go.

All right. Make sure to cover me.

All the courses that I've taken in surveillance,

American history and make this really good.

An all male version of The Diary of Anne Frank,

An animated cat just walked into the squad room. Hello.

And all of a sudden, this was in his hand.

And be careful.

And do not open this door for anyone.

And Hamlet is taking out the trash.

And he made a gesture, Houdini did. Like this.

And he said to me, he whispered, he said, This is a magic ticket.

And how do you know what I said on Vivaldi's terrace?

And I thought perhaps you might like to be inclined to help.

And I want to make sure that the action fans understand

And I'm very good at catching people.

And I've had a terrible day, thanks largely to you.

And if you touch that front door, you're going to need them.

And in the end, everybody dies.

And it was given to him by the best magician in Tibet.

And it will all be okay again. Trust me.

And Jack told everyone he drove her to New England to the diphtheria clinic.

And millions more are listening to us live around the world.

And my pop took me backstage to see him after the show.

And my pop took me to see Buffalo Bill?

And never ever do it in heavy traffic.

And now it's yours.

And pimples and premature ejaculation. I heard.

And point my finger at the house and say,

And so he goes to heaven.

And stop shouting. I'm not deaf. You know why you're shouting?

And takes out the entire Torelli mob, all at once.

And talking about Hollywood,

And that always made me just a little edgy.

And the eye I was wearing?

And the gas tanks. Poof! Were they okay?

And then again,

And then we'll all have a christening for Rosemary's baby.

And then you tell me to let the kid go and...

And this is for blowing up my ex wife's house.

And this is top secret...

And this time, you won't get it back.

And though it may seem that he is incapable of taking any action,

And two, how exactly are you going to snap your fingers

And we could make some shish kebabs for the critics. That'd be good.

And we've been looking for five hours.

And what for? So you can go to the movies?

And what is this business about going to the movies at midnight

And Whitney.

And why didn't you tell me you spent the whole night

And you are going to tell me, huh?

And you know the cost of that door is coming right out of your meager

And you let your hands go and I will catch you. Okay? Believe in me.

And you'll never have to go back to this film again.

And you're going to spot him from up here?

Andy here's been getting nervous. I promised him you'd come.

Andy, pick up the grenade. Go on.

Any second we're going to drive right into a theater.

Are joining forces.

Are you a big time fan of Jack Slater films?

Are you all right, Danny?

Are you sure this is the right address? This don't look like no crack house to me.

Arnold Braunschweiger.

Arnold really turns her on and I just want to be there when it happens, that's all.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's Jack Slater IV.

Arnold, look. Deal's done, right?

As a matter of fact, we had this very romantic scene together.

At Planet Hollywood, we have this incredible

Awfully long way away from home, aren't you? When did you get here?

Bad guys can win.

Be ready for anything.

Beauty part is, nobody knows different. Not till after the funeral.

Because here in this world, the bad guys can win.

Because here, you're just...

Because I saw it all on screen, because this is a movie.

Because it's in the script. You're the comic relief.

Because this movie is PG 13. Admit it.

Because, amigo, Leo the Fart was very, very fat.

Because, believe it or not, Jack, you're the good guy.

Benedict is going to kill Schwarzenegger.

Benedict's here, too, and he's got the ticket.

Better to die.

Beyond even your wildest dreams.

Big mistake.

Big mistake.

Big mistake. That is what you were going to say, right?

Boss?

Boy, does this suck weenie or what?

Brilliant, Jack. Brilliant. I surrender.

Bring the car around.

Burn it.

But I don't find it so new and exciting to discover

But I guess I was afraid it wouldn't work.

But I have to go and establish my alibi.

But I just want you to know that from now on, it's all going to be downhill.

But I kept getting involved in these crazy adventures.

But I realized after the car crash

But if I go, how do I get back?

But if you do this right, the world is your oyster. Trust me.

But it's a start.

But it's not too late. I can still go visit.

But look on the good side.

But now, I got another chance. Could I have the ticket back, please?

But that's all over for me now.

But the craziest part is, I kept surviving.

But the pool could benefit from some attention.

But this... This is for my daughter's black eye!

But we wouldn't want to nitpick. Right, Danny?

But what if he was faking?

But you know, I kept hearing that old music.

But you're fictional, so who cares? I'm sorry,

But you're going to live to enjoy all the glorious fruits life has to offer,

But, I mean, I understand that, for some reason, we look alike.

But, no, you're the typical villain. Dumb.

Call my office. We can get you shopping center openings...

Can't. The helicopter landed on it.

Check fire. There's an officer in the building. I say again,

Check his chin.

Checker Cab, no air bag. Who is dumb?

Chicken, it is.

Chop chop.

Chris, check this out. Look, it's the Ripper from Jack Slater III.

Come here often?

Come on, do it. I double dare you.

Come on, here, let's get him up.

Come on, Jack! Let's go, man. Come here, Jack. Come on, Jack.

Come on, Jack.

Come on, now. Danny, trust me.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Knock on the door.

Come on. We'll use the service entrance in back.

Compared to the last one, where we killed 119.

Costs me a fortune in closet doors.

Could you turn this up, please?

Cross as many as you can.

Dad! Dad!

Daddy! Oh, my God.

Damn it, Jack, how do you do that?

Damn it, where the hell have you been?

Damn you! Let the children go! Damn you, Ripper! Let the children go!

Daniel Madigan from New York City.

Danny told me not to trust you.

Danny, do you know how to drive?

Danny, do you think I would marry someone so stupid

Danny, you got a place I can sit down?

Danny!

Danny! He's ticking! Move the crane as fast as you can!

Danny. Oh, my God. I was so worried. Are you okay?

Did anyone come out of here?

Did Nicholson show up to the premiere of Batman dressed as the Joker?

Did you see a crazy guy with an ax coming out of here?

Did you see anyone come out here?

Do it.

Do it. I'll make it easier for you.

Do you hear this?

Do you know what that's like, Jack?

Do yourself to the drain.

Doctor, doctor!

Does he know that my mob and Torelli's mob have just signed a secret pact

Does that mean that Benedict could use it again?

Doing a fucking tango up and down my Hershey Highway!

Doing an all male version in my fuzzy slipper!

Don't explain so much. You had to get in those last few words.

Don't give up your day job.

Don't leave home without it.

Don't leave home without it.

Don't move.

Don't play games with grownups, little boy. You'll get hurt.

Don't shoot me. I'm Danny Madigan, I'm a kid.

Don't shoot!

Don't talk. Just do it.

Don't worry, she's not. Her name wasn't in the credits.

Don't you understand? We got to get him back to the movies.

Drop! Gas bag, drop!

Drop! Go! Go! Go! Go! Damn you! Go!

Dropped Leo the Fart in the La Brea Tar Pits.

Dump him at his place, huh? But take it easy.

Ever tell you about the time I was about your age

Everybody down! Now!

Everybody keeps waiting for you to work it in.

Everybody knows Tony Vivaldi

Everybody wants to know, what it is, what it ain't and what it will be!

Excuse me, sir. Could I see your invitation?

Excuse me!

Fasten your seat belt, please.

Fifth wheel.

Find out who talked and have him killed.

Focus!

For that stunt you pulled on the beach!

Forget it. You saved my fur plenty of times.

Forgive me for going on like that, sir. I'm a great admirer of your work, too.

Frank?

Frank? Frank? Frank?

Frank. Frank!

Frank. Frankie.

Frankie, why you keep on with the insults?

Freeze!

Gas bag, drop! Damn you! Drop!

Gave him my word of honor he could watch you die.

Gee, did you make a movie mistake! You forgot to reload the damn gun.

Geez, that was a stretch.

Geez! How did you know there was a guy in there?

Gentlemen, since you're about to die anyway,

Get down, Danny.

Get in here and eat some eggs.

Get off me!

Get out of the way!

Get out of the way! This man needs a doctor! Out of my way.

Get out of the way. I'm a doctor. Get out of the way.

Get out of the way. Out of the way. You want a doctor? I'm a doctor.

Get the hell off me.

Give it to me.

Give it up, Benedict. The whole lobby is swarming with cops.

Give me first crack at the deal. I'll beat anybody else's deal.

Give me your badge!

Gives you nightmares the rest of your life.

Go ahead.

Go away! Stop it! No!

Go back up to the top!

Go for it, now. Come on, Danny. Yes.

Go on, go on. Tell me, tell me.

Go pay your respects, huh?

Go!

God damn it, Jack, I'm talking to you!

God damn it, that's all I can take from you!

Good for you.

Good morning. Good afternoon. Good to see you.

Good, Tom, you got the props, too. That's terrific.

Got a present for you. Pigs!

Got all kinds of trucks. '79 pickup, $2,999.

Got to catch the red eye.

Great! Just great! They always run away.

Guns.

Ha! You didn't know I'm gonna say that, did you?

Ha. It's working again.

Hang on, Jack.

Hannibal Lecter can do the catering.

Have a nice day.

He actually believes me and old man Torelli are banding together.

He could do everything but sneak up on you.

He had one with a bull's eye when he was with your second cousin.

He hates his boss. He calls him a Sicilian schmuck.

He is, in fact, one of the first action heroes.

He said you killed Moe Zart.

He said, This ticket has a mind of its own.

He was a good man. A flatulent man.

He was just pulling rank because you destroyed more of the city than usual.

He's going to destroy him.

He's got a damn helicopter circling the building.

He's not on any of my lists.

He's okay. Minor wound. Both cops dead.

He's supposed to be back on duty.

Hello, Mrs. Madigan.

Hello, sweetheart, how are you? It's so nice to hear your voice.

Hello, Toto.

Hello?

Hello. Yeah. I know it's late. Tell him it's me.

Help me. Get me out of here.

Help, angels!

Help, somebody!

Her name wasn't in the credits.

Here they are, Arnold Schwarzenegger and his lovely wife, Maria Shriver.

Here's another one. This is a Long Bed. This is $3,999. Can't beat that.

Here's one.

Hey, '89 Mercury Sable, standard driver's side air bag.

Hey, Claudius.

Hey, give me a break. It's the first time I've been to anyplace real.

Hey, grow up.

Hey, I just found out I was imaginary.

Hey, if you get to Los Angeles,

Hey, Jack. What kept you?

Hey, kid, you always said this is a movie, didn't you?

Hey, Marv. Yeah, I need a tux.

Hey, wait a minute! You got to work this thing!

Hey, wait a minute. Help us.

Hey, we've played this number before, haven't we, Jack?

Hey! How did it go?

Hey. The world is what you make of it, Danny.

Hi, how are you? Look, Time magazine. That's great. Hi.

Hi, I'm Army Archerd, and we are live to you from New York.

Hi, Murray, get me your brother in law, will you?

Hi.

Hi. How are you? Hello.

Hi. I'm Danny Madigan and I realize I haven't had that long of a life,

Hi. I'm Jack Slater's new partner.

Hiya, toots.

Hold it! Don't shoot! He'll drop Leo!

Holy cow!

Honey, honey, come here.

Hostage negotiation and criminal psychology...

How could you do something like that?

How did it go?

How did Slater find out? Will you tell me?

How did you get here?

How did you know all that?

How do you get to Carnegie Hall?

How many times have you heard someone say, Stay in the car and the guy doesn't?

How new and exciting this must all be for you.

How sorry are you now?

Hurt, Jack? You say hurt? What do you know about hurt, Jack?

I agree with you. I think she should be working with us.

I always catch everybody.

I beg your pardon?

I believe you're in the upper... Lower balcony.

I booted. Sorry. I thought I was going to die.

I can move through parallel worlds, in and out.

I can't do it, Jack.

I can't, Jack. We'll fall.

I could arrange for you to gain admittance, that is, you know,

I could have used it all this time and I never used it 'cause I...

I didn't choose any of this. I didn't choose

I didn't tell anyone. I don't even know this kid.

I don't believe this. I'm in the movie, and...

I don't care who does what to your Hershey Highway,

I don't do fiction. Not my field. Sorry.

I don't even know how to drive.

I don't know what to say. I feel a little shy and embarrassed right now,

I don't know.

I don't know. I think I will. Wow.

I don't think so.

I don't want to miss a thing. Come here. Come here.

I don't want to shoot people anymore and blow up buildings.

I drove one of those great big cranes and

I fell off a walk over a bridge. Slipped into your car.

I got the California Raisin Counsel doing

I got the city council chewing my eggs off for that plane you crashed!

I got the mayor scheduling parades, up my Lincoln tunnel

I hate when that happens.

I heard a recording.

I heard him say something was going to happen at a funeral.

I hope you mean Whitney.

I just got fired.

I just hate it when you plug the restaurants or the gyms. It's so tacky.

I kill a lot of people. I can't remember half of them.

I know I did. They're twice as bad as anything else.

I know.

I know. Not until the grosses go down.

I know. The Vivaldi mob is joining forces with the Torellis.

I may as well tell you the entire plot.

I mean something along the lines of, I cut so I could donate a kidney.

I mean, all these years at the academy, studying human character,

I mean, how would you feel if you found out that somebody made you up?

I mean, I don't know, I wouldn't miss this one. I hear Torelli spent a bundle.

I mean, I never just talked to a woman before. It's neat.

I mean, if you had just fired, you would have won.

I mean, really.

I mean, we've already had a dozen explosions in this movie.

I mean, where are the ordinary, every day women?

I mean, you've got a great daughter.

I need a hospital. I think my shoulder is out of the socket.

I never had the courage to find out.

I never used to do that, Danny.

I pay a cashier at the drugstore to call me every so often at the station

I really tried to do what he told me to do,

I really want to hear it.

I said turn around.

I said, I have murdered a man, and I want to confess!

I saved his life in Nam. I'll make sure to be on the lookout. Thanks.

I saw it. I saw it in a movie.

I shall miss you, Jack.

I should tell you that I have killed people smarter and younger than you.

I slurped about all the cock sucking toast I can take from you!

I snap my fingers again, and some time tomorrow

I swear, I don't know.

I think I can manage to avoid them, but if not,

I think some of it's English.

I think the magic was yours, too.

I told you, Blanche isn't here. She won't be back for two hours.

I told you, your ex wife's not home.

I want it on top of the roof in two minutes. Go.

I wanted it for my collection.

I was just in a real police station and this is much nicer.

I was only curious.

I was too frightened.

I was with Jack Slater every step of the way!

I wasn't home, Nick. I was in the movie.

I will catch you. Now, get my hand. Let's go.

I woke up at 2:00 in the morning and I figured you'd gone home.

I would never miss the premiere for a second.

I wouldn't put too much faith into what Vivaldi told him.

I'd gargle anti freeze to beat anybody else's deal.

I'd go completely around and end up back where I started!

I'll be a son of a... Jack!

I'll be back!

I'll be back. I know, I know.

I'll be rich, Jack.

I'll fetch him. Dracula. I can get King Kong.

I'll give you 10 minutes to prove it and then I shoot you.

I'll run with Jane to the store.

I'll take the corpse... l mean, the patient.

I'll take you to the house where your cousin Frank was tortured.

I'll teach you to be vulnerable, you'll teach me to be brave.

I'm a comedy sidekick.

I'm getting a little up in years, kid. Define in.

I'm getting bored. Why don't we just skip to the end?

I'm going to buy it soon, too.

I'm gonna need the manager's office for about five, 10 minutes.

I'm in the movie, and I'm missing the best action!

I'm in the movie. Holy cow, I'm in the movie!

I'm just an imaginary hero, Danny. You have a real life.

I'm not quite sure where here is, sir, but I don't think you want to know.

I'm not really a big fan of Arnold's but she is, you know.

I'm out of here.

I'm scared I'm never going to see you again.

I'm sorry to bother you. I wonder if you'd help me test a theory.

I'm sorry to disappoint you,

I'm sorry, Frank.

I'm the famous comedian, Arnold Braunschweiger.

I'm very flattered, Jack, but I doubt it.

I'm willing to bet that everyone has a 555 number.

I've another little explosive surprise for them.

I've enjoyed... It was just beautiful... l just loved it.

I've got it, Jack. I'll get you home, you'll see.

I've had it up to here with you, Mister. Who stays, who goes...

I've never met a fictional character before.

I've seen it, on screen.

I've seen this Slater six times. I just got worried.

Iced that guy. To cone a phrase.

If I arrest him, I have to arrest half of Congress.

If I were you...

If that little turd, Daniel Madigan, can move through parallel worlds,

If that sort of thing appeals to you.

If this was the real world, I mean, they wouldn't make me your partner.

If we find the guy, I'll give you a call.

If you're looking for trucks, we got trucks. We

In a body bag, if you don't drop that.

In a police station looking at mug shots?

In case my ex wife is around.

In less than one hour for sure.

In, steal whatever I want, and out again. Impossible to catch.

Is Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Is they assign you a freshman, and when he comes to the door, you kiss him.

Is this another one of your movie proofs?

It does what it wants to do.

It fits nice. Moving the button was a good idea. Just get...

It is a shame. It's so romantic.

It looks like 2K in here.

It starred you.

It was a complete and utter balls up

It was given to me by the best magician in India,

It was mine, and now it's yours.

It was your illegal search that rendered the bloody ax inadmissible.

It. I didn't say, Hey, what the hell,

It's a beautiful day and we're out killing drug dealers.

It's a bomb!

It's a no fly zone, fella. Shit!

It's a passport to another world.

It's crazy...

It's got to be here, Jack.

It's got to be here.

It's got words.

It's great, isn't it?

It's just a sorority thing, Dad. What they do

It's kind of like that one, except it's got to be on the other side of the road

It's kind of like your calling card.

It's not much, but it's still show biz.

It's now between you and me, so let the boy go.

It's the key to everything. It's magic.

Jack and I will be working together for the duration of the film.

Jack Slater can't lose! Never has, never will.

Jack Slater IV.

Jack, are you okay?

Jack, did you see that?

Jack, he's just a cabbie!

Jack, help!

Jack, hurry!

Jack, it all makes sense.

Jack, it's a funeral for a guy named Fart. Hello?

Jack, listen to me.

Jack, that toy can't hurt the boy,

Jack, that's him, the henchman with the glass eye.

Jack, there's got to be a thousand theaters in this city

Jack, these are the sequels. They gotta get harder.

Jack, you're not just my hero, you're everybody's hero.

Jack!

Jack!

Jack!

Jack!

Jack! It's the Ripper! He's brought back the Ripper!

Jack... Jack, there he is!

Jean Harlow. Oh, boy, I had a crush...

Jesus Christ, Tom, come here.

Joey, would you teach her the virtue of silence?

John Practice, you old SOB. What are you doing away from Washington?

Just a minute, young man. Aren't we forgetting something?

Just a minute.

Just hold on, Jack. You'll make it. This is gonna work.

Just hold...

Just one gun, Jack? You got to be kidding.

Just what?

Just.

Kid, I don't want to say it.

Kid, let's say this is a movie.

Kid, that ain't the half of it.

Kid, who does the doctor treat?

Knowing how you really feel about each other.

Krause, you're teamed up with the rabbi.

L... l thought I might kill someone.

Leave it. Get the door.

Leo the Fart is going to pass gas one more time.

Leo the Fart was shot yesterday.

Leo was tough.

Let me see what it would be like to be a widow before I'm 40, give that a try.

Let's ax him a question, okay? See if we can get him over here.

Let's go, let's go. Come on. Let's do it, Jack.

Let's hear it for Houdini!

Let's see, what comes next?

Like a tank.

Like clockwork.

Like I didn't know that.

Like maybe you get a postcard from Italy or something.

Like rearranging my sock drawers.

Like that one. In fact, just like that one.

Listen to me, Danny. Listen to me.

Lock the top lock the minute I close the door, okay?

Look at the elbow of my jacket. What is it doing?

Look out there, there's a cartoon cat.

Look, an elephant.

Look, I don't really like you. All right? You've brought me nothing but pain.

Look, the point is there are no unattractive women here.

Look, whatever this is, it's between you and Slater.

Make my day or I am your worst nightmare.

Maybe he used the ticket.

Maybe I need to warm it up first.

Maybe it's on all the time now.

Maybe there's been a mistake. We received an anonymous tip.

Maybe to get help.

Maybe you should start with your designer.

Maybe.

Me and Jack are going out today! I'm helping him on a case!

Meantime, please be careful. Things work different here.

Meet Mr. Benedict.

Memorabilia. Yes, I'm telling you...

Meredith?

Microphones in the statues, are there?

Missed and shot Leo the Fart by mistake.

Mom, I have to help. I'm the only witness.

Mom, I'm sorry. Okay?

Mom. You turned him into a wimp.

Monroe in Bus Stop.

Most of my life's been movies, too. Well, showing them.

Mr. Slater's off tracking a lead somewhere.

Mr. Torelli, I hope it's all right with you I am here.

My arm! You broke my arm!

My father, he was bookkeeper here and he got me my first job.

My God! This man's not dead!

My goodness, it's Tom Noonan, of course,

My name is Skeezy. S K E E Z Y, sir.

My second cousin Frank found out some crucial drug information.

My second cousin Frank found out some crucial drug information.

Neat?

Next time, we get thicker armor.

Nick, fire up the projector. Hurry!

Nick, Houdini wasn't faking.

Nick, it isn't who you think.

Nick, you okay?

Nick!

Nick!

Nick!

Nick! Nick!

Nick?

Nick? Hello?

Nick.

No jewelry, no VCR. A shit TV that will get me 20 bucks.

No one's going to tell this sweet prince, Good night.

No screams?

No sequel for you.

No sirens?

No such number. No such name.

No sweat, kid. You tried.

No way. I'm not going to leave you.

No way. You can't die till the grosses go down.

No, actually it makes absolutely no sense, but I'll try to explain it you. Later.

No, but it's got to work, anyway. It's got to!

No, Danny. It's getting harder.

No, he's not cute, he's hopelessly insane.

No, I slept the sleep of the dead, kid, in here until

No, Jack. I just left one chamber empty.

No, Jack. We're that close to catching pneumonia.

No, no, no.

No, no. I didn't.

No, thanks.

No, this is my little girl's car.

No, you get the shoes! Take the shoes! Come on, we ain't got time. Come on!

No. I only go as far as lackey. Will there be anything else?

No. It isn't possible.

No. No. It wouldn't just be a bomb.

No. They're the wrong color.

No. This is California.

No. This is going to save us.

Nobody wants to miss out tonight. The limos just keep coming.

Nobody. All you have to do is get to school.

Not a word. Not one word.

Not to be.

Nothing, maggots.

Now he's praying, and now I'll do it.

Now here's a nice car. Seventy three, this is a Landau,

Now I know you've never heard of this man, but his actual name, believe it or not,

Now I'm not even a cop any more.

Now I've got the Chamber of Commerce doing cartwheels in my cocoa factory.

Now if you want to give up and go home, then go ahead.

Now if you will just listen to me...

Now remember, don't plug the restaurants.

Now this Leo the Fart is going to have one. Maybe we should look into that.

Now who is this twerp? And why is that smile on his face?

Now, come on!

Now, I believe it was Sherlock Holmes who said

Now, listen, kid.

Now, lose the piece.

Now, this ticket of yours...

Now, we'll hurt you just a little bit, but you'll...

Now, you go in there and it's your badge!

Now, you just follow my lead.

Now!

Now?

O, bosom, black as death!

Of course. My decoder ring has to warm up, too. All the time.

Oh, Christ, please.

Oh, Frankie.

Oh, God, please, don't let him die.

Oh, I've gotta get her a husband. Maybe Blanche can help out.

Oh, Jesus! I'm late. I got to get to work. All right.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no!

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah. Let's push his son off the building.

Okay, close your eyes, stay flat and don't move.

Okay, I got one. What about this girl right here?

Okay, okay. Just make sure they're dead.

Okay, okay. The house looked European.

Okay, would you grab the phone and if it's for me, I'll be out of the shower

Okay?

Okay. Then shoot me.

Okay. What's your home number?

On account of I got the Save The Eagle foundation

On prom night, she stays home and field strips an AK 47.

One eighty, you stupid, spaghetti slurping cretin.

One eighty! If I did a 360,

Only in America.

Or as Zeus in Clash of the Titans.

Or they just show up and then kidnap me.

Or you and Toto can go back to the land of Oz.

Over here, right here, Jack. Come on. Right here.

Pardon me.

Patients.

Pete, it's okay. He's with me. I'm his agent.

Pie, you Sicilian schmuck.

Please, please. Nick, hurry! The door won't open.

Pray tell, just how do I feel about this weird looking sack of puppy poop?

Psyche of the terrorist, fingerprint analysis.

Punch it. Let's get the hell out of here.

Put a sock in it.

Quick, where are the Schwarzenegger films?

Quickly! Quickly!

Radcliff, you're pulling duty with the animated cat.

Real doubtful.

Regale me with the story of your life starting this morning, 8:30, first period,

Remember now, your mom says you're to go straight home.

Remember, Jack? Now lose the gun.

Right you are.

Right. Like in Slater, Part II: The Sagittarius Strangler.

Rip, Rip, come here. What brings you here tonight?

S K E ... No I E. Thank you.

Say this.

Say what?

Scrambled. Have you guys been up all night?

See, Jack, these drug guys, they got more money than the U.S. Government.

See, when I was about your age, Harry Houdini played this theater

See, when I was your age, Houdini was like a god to me.

See? That's my world! He's gone over to my world!

Shakespeare's Hamlet couldn't be more exciting.

Shall I tell you why?

Shall we see if Mr. Slater wins this time?

She is way too attractive to be working at a video store.

She never calls.

She's going to die a young maid. I know it.

Show it to me. That's good. Right there.

Silent, but deadly.

Slater showed me some mug shots. We made your face easy.

Slater!

Slater!

Slater! Don't even think it, Slater, you hear me?

Slater's attempting to enter. Do not let him in. Repeat, do not let him in.

So see me first, give me first shot.

So the guys think I have a private life.

So why was he going to the movies?

So you think for sure you're going to catch him?

So, in exchange for letting him alone, he gives me a profit percentage.

So, is this the day you were talking about saving?

So, who's your friend? He's cute.

So... Is the print ready to roll?

Some of you might have seen him in the Polaroid commercial,

Somebody once told me I talk too much. No more words.

Somebody should be checking that other balcony. Definitely!

Somebody was trying for Torelli and missed.

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark,

Sometimes, he likes to bake while he's shooting people.

Somewhere deep down she didn't want you back.

Sorry, Jack. I didn't want it to go down this way.

Sorry.

Sorry. Whitney.

Stuffed him with TNT, he goes off at the funeral

Suppose he doesn't have to get to me. Suppose all he has to do is get to him.

Sure. I watched you, didn't I?

Sure. What can I do for you?

Sweetheart, want to have a party?

Take him back to where this is just a flesh wound.

Take him home.

Take his shoes?

Tell me how I know they tortured Frank and then stashed him behind his front door.

Thanks for sharing. You couldn't have told me this earlier?

Thanks for the fingerprints, kid.

That doesn't know the real voice from a taped one?

That guy Vivaldi,

That if you eliminate all the logical solutions to a problem,

That kind of stuff doesn't happen here, Jack, because this world stinks!

That my whole life has been a damn movie.

That the ultimate freedom would always elude me

That was for blowing up my second cousin, Frank's house.

That's how I knew you'd come here, Jack.

That's nice. Thank you, thank you.

That's right, Jack.

That's right. Take your gun, point it at my head and pull the trigger.

That's why we have area codes.

The actor who played the Ripper. Who plays the Rip...

The bad guys are in there.

The bad guys are in there.

The bureau thinks something strange is going on between...

The doctor has fainted. Can somebody help this man here?

The door, it must still be open. Come on!

The film is out of focus. The film is out... Never mind.

The genuine article. And, you'd better believe it.

The guy was in the back reading the paper.

The guy with the missing eye, I saw his license plate.

The guy's hanging there by his neck and at the end of the movie he comes back.

The hell with it.

The hell you will.

The illogical, however impossible, is invariably true.

The last time you pulled this jive, jitterbug, tough gonad shit,

The man is a surgeon.

The National Enquirer. Don't talk to them. Okay?

The police called. You're not there, you're not here.

The possibilities are limitless.

The Ripper killed him three years ago. Pulled him down off the roof.

The stars are really shining in Times Square.

The state of New York's never heard of you, Mr. Madigan.

The studio should let me know when they're planning a stunt.

The theater's shut. I'm gonna clear out my stuff, and then it's the wrecking ball.

The thing is, you really do look uncannily like him except for one thing, the eyes.

The ticket works?

The ticket.

The ticket. Jack, he's got the ticket!

The ticket's yours, Danny, and you know something?

The whole morning? He wasn't.

Then everybody knows.

Then step away.

Then, Slater.

There are micro cameras in the statues.

There are nine million kids out there with guns

There are thousands in attendance here tonight.

There can only be 9,999 numbers that start with 555.

There is no comparison.

There was nothing to it.

There, there, and there.

There.

There's a gun in the glove compartment.

There's a plain clothes officer in the building!

There's always a guy in there.

There's politicians and wars and forest fires, and famine and plague...

There's some money in the desk. Take it and leave me and Meredith...

There's two balconies.

These bills are marked, aren't they?

They broke in last night. They cut Leo open like a turkey,

They could have stuffed those inside him. And you know what that means, don't you?

They don't exist, because this is a movie.

They got Jack! Doctor! Hey, doc! Move!

They killed his second cousin. Big mistake.

They were writhing and screaming and leaping to their doom to escape the pain.

They'd assign me to a social worker.

They're all gold. They're all gold.

They're going to take out the whole Torelli mob. We've got to stop it.

Think of villains, Jack. You want Dracula? Dracula? Hang on.

This hero stuff has its limits.

This is a movie set.

This is a movie set. That's how the scenery changed, right?

This is gonna work. It's a movie. I'm a good guy. This has got to work!

This is happening. This is really happening.

This is not happening. Repeat, this is not hap...

This is one hell of a way to spend Christmas.

This isn't the movies any more, Jack. Here, you have to reload guns...

This movie we only killed 48 people

This movie we only killed 48 people

Those are government donuts, my friend. It's not easy work. I got to call DC.

Three canisters of nerve gas were stolen from military trucks the night before last.

Throw that silly thing away.

Throwing cocaine at each other? Just kick the door in.

Tiny Tim is tiptoeing through the tulips!

To be here where you can always find me but I need you to be out there.

To be or not to be.

To control all the drugs in Southern California?

To control...

Tony Vivaldi and the Torelli mob

Top power steering, power brakes, air conditioning. $999.

Tough guy.

Treachery, conspiracy, sex, sword fights, madness, ghosts.

Truth at last. Now, why were they after you?

Turns funny colors when you burn it.

Undercover, of course.

Unfortunately, you're not very bright.

Until Jack Slater was, and forgive the pun, taken out of the picture.

Usher. It was still a vaudeville house. Then I worked myself up to projectionist.

Vengeance is...

Very soon he's gonna tell you he loved you in Gone with the Wind.

Vivaldi owns the town. That's what all this has been about.

Vivaldi's going to blow up that funeral.

Wait a minute. The bad puns, the voice, the hard rock.

Wait a minute. Wait, wait. Wait a minute. I want to enjoy it all.

Wait. How do I get them to do that?

Watch out!

We are that close in catching him.

We both know there's no side entrance to this hotel.

We have a positive ID. It is the Ripper. Repeat, it is the Ripper.

We make up for it with a good story, lot of emotions, depth, dimensions...

We mostly talk muzzle velocities.

We should change the funeral arrangements.

We talked.

We'll be right back after this commercial announcement.

We'll have a nightmare with Freddy Krueger. Have a surprise party for Adolf Hitler.

We're just moments away from the world premiere of

We're just moments away from the world premiere of

We're not *******.

Well, he seems to know a lot about us.

Well, Houdini said something else to me.

Well, I guess there's only one way to find out, then, right?

Well, I think I scared him pretty good.

Well, I'd love to stay and watch the fun,

Well, I'll never get any work done if I stay here and think about that.

Well, I'm checking the print tonight, midnight. Just myself.

Well, I'm not parked behind a desk all day eating those donuts.

Well, I'm telling you this one stays.

Well, listen to this one, rubber baby buggy bumpers.

Well, real enough. For right now.

Well, see if this is clear enough!

Well, tin man, suppose you hit the bricks.

Well, you're young and impressionable.

Well...

Well...

Well... We've got this one little

What a shame. Two tickets to Hawaii.

What are you, nuts? You want to play ax killers the rest of your life?

What are you, nuts? You want to play ax killers the rest of your life?

What did I do?

What do you think Jack Slater says about America?

What do you want? Sixty guys dancing on the lawn,

What happens?

What I don't understand is how you know mine.

What I'm saying is Mr. Benedict can take you out as easy as cake.

What if it did work?

What is it with you? You got junk!

What is this place?

What is this, Benedict? First, you're my friend. Now you turn a

What is this, some kind of a joke? I wouldn't even call this a flesh wound.

What kind of eggs do you want?

What the hell? We're in New York.

What you are going to see is a scene from the film by Laurence Olivier.

What you eating?

What you find so entertaining happens to be my life.

What, are you making some changes?

What?

What?

What's not possible? He's fantastic. This is his best performance ever.

What's up, guys?

What's with you?

What's wrong?

When all I had to do is just drive around the neighborhood

When he came back, you said,

When he was running for the car, it was missing.

When I could be doing something much more dangerous?

Where am I now?

Where am I sitting? Where? Where am I sitting?

Where are you going?

Where do you think you're going? Back off. You can't have him.

Where have you been? Have you got any idea what time it is?

Where is it written I'm a bad guy?

Whiskers! Where the hell have you been?

Whitney alone.

Whitney kissed me on the mouth.

Who died?

Who the hell are you?

Who took the shot? Was it Benedict? Most likely.

Whoever thinks that, will be making a big mistake.

Why am I wasting time on a dime store putz like you

Why can she not be like every other teenager?

Why did we park back there?

Why didn't you tell me that Jack was a cop

Why didn't you tell me you had no friends?

Why don't you just whip a hibachi out from under your coat there?

Why not?

Will the morgue suffice?

Wimp. Next, they'll be talking about sex.

Wohlschlager, you're partnered up with the black and white digitalization

Would he miss? No way. Unless he wanted to miss.

Wow, will you look at this? A method villain.

Wow! Is this what you drive on the weekends?

Yeah, a cop from LA.

Yeah, well, what if it did?

Yeah, would've, should've, could've. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say.

Yeah! And the future of the world may be at stake, and, and maybe...

Yeah. Come on.

Yeah. He's guilty of acting like an asshole.

Yeah. Take off your sunglasses.

Yep.

Yep. Of course. No, just as you say.

Yes, and you know what else? I'm the hero so shut up!

Yes, it's important.

Yes!

Yes.

Yes. It was called The Girl of My Dreams.

Yes... Yes, sir.

You ain't no genius yourself, kid.

You all the time talk to each other. I got to know what Slater knows,

You alone? Okay. Move it!

You and I have had our little tiffs, but this is the Lieutenant Governor.

You are a very brave young man.

You are going to pay. Oh, are you going to pay.

You believed in me in the movies. Why not now?

You can have complete freedom to do whatever you want.

You can't die.

You can't go through life nitpicking every little thing.

You can't smash a car window with your bare hand and not have it hurt.

You can't. You can't possibly say it

You could have taken two minutes to call your mother.

You did great. Come on.

You didn't know I was going to say that, did you?

You die a grandfather.

You don't happen to have a cigar, do you?

You embarrassed me, you low forehead. It was humiliating.

You emerge from several canine recta.

You flipped up on all of it!

You got the ticket?

You got to be a magician, after all, Nick.

You got to get him back. You can do it. I know you can.

You got to have a ticket, Danny, to see a movie, and have I got just the one.

You got to help me move that crane! You got to help me!

You grab my hand, and we get out of here.

You had Slater in front of the eight ball before, but you always screwed it up.

You have your whole life ahead of you.

You just revolutionized the entire history of police training.

You kill me and I'll kill him.

You killed my father.

You know how you always say you wished I had more friends?

You know I'm right.

You know why we do this here?

You know you...

You know, I tried to change, Jack.

You know, I'm in there, lying to a principal, me, a charter member of the PTA.

You know, if you hurry, you're only going to be four hours late.

You know, if you're looking for a new or used car, see me first.

You know, like the kid in the movie with Harrison Ford?

You know, tar actually sticks to some people.

You know, the new Jack Slater opens this weekend at the Odyssey.

You know, there's lots worse things than movies.

You know, you are the best celebrity look alike I've ever seen.

You like classical music?

You mean on other movies? Why would he want to do that?

You mean, it's... Is he...

You must be joking. My second cousin Frank lives in there.

You really believe that we're inside a movie, don't you?

You saved me from public humiliation, Jack.

You see Slater, you tell him to get in my office right now.

You see the hook of that crane?

You see, Hollywood is writing our lives and you know something?

You see, I know that your name is Daniel Madigan.

You see, Jack,

You see, Vivaldi made up with Torelli, but it was a phony.

You should have been there.

You stay here and make sure everything goes on as planned.

You stay. She's always calling me.

You tell my mom who you really were?

You think it's easy? You have to practice a lot

You throw the gun away, right? We did that part and...

You told your dad?

You want me to make him operate on you?

You want to be a farmer? Here's a couple of acres.

You were at the movies again, weren't you? And that crazy old guy is an accessory.

You were right, Jack. He has been going to the movies.

You were saying?

You were trying to sucker me with marked bills, weren't you?

You wouldn't believe how many.

You'll get your badge back.

You're a big action guy. What do you think about this?

You're about to murder Jack Slater.

You're going to love it, Jack. I mean, we're perfect buddy movie material.

You're going to play chicken, aren't you? Just like Jack Slater.

You're going to sacrifice your own child to get to me.

You're gonna sit and wait for the real hostage negotiator!

You're lucky I have a friend who rents tuxedos.

You're lucky you're still alive, you dumb idiot!

You're my dearest friend.

You're not going to do it, are you? And do you know why?

You're not Skeezy, are you?

You're real to me. Don't you get it?

You're saying he meant to miss? Why?

You're the best thing in... l need you to...

You're very clever. And the only reason why I'm not roaring with laughter

You've given this department the worst reputation in the country.

You've seen those movies where they say,

Your dad saw everything.

Your fingers?

Your job, your marriage, your kids.

Your license to kill expired at 4:00 this morning, young man.

Your pop gets in the papers a lot. I'm interested in crime stories.

360 on me. God.

555 3812. Amazing.

a bloodbath. A bloodbath.

All right, Slater, I'll go quietly. The hell you will.

Amish. Whatever ish!

And you promised me you wouldn't tell. I didn't.

Benedict's got the ticket. That's too bad.

But that was you. You were in that movie. You were in a movie?

Daddy! You've gained some weight.

Damn it! Hey, you crazy asshole!

Did you catch that? You ball peen jack a menace.

Do I make myself clear? I'm just doing my job.

Do you have to kiss him? Dad, would you come on?

Excuse me! Yeah?

Frank. Jack...

Gee, how would I know that? No one likes a smart ass.

Get it? No, I don't.

Give me a break. They're dead. Just check, will you?

Go, Danny! Get out! Car crashes can kill you! You hear me?

He saves the day. Or gets killed.

Hello, sweetheart, you look wonderful. Thank you.

Hey, Benedict, get your stuff. Yes.

Hey, people are trying to sleep. Yeah, right.

hiccup. What do you mean hiccup?

How did you get in the car? I...

How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice!

How do you know Frank mentioned Vivaldi? I know a lot about what's going on.

How many people live in LA? Eight or nine million.

How the hell are you going to get back? That's a good question.

I about gave up on you. Sorry.

I don't see you doing anything. I wouldn't want to steal your thunder.

I don't think I've earned it yet. You don't understand.

I don't want to be no fourth wheel. Nonsense, Antonio...

I got to get that crane to the roof. Shit.

I know that. Give me a hug.

I think the taxis are bulletproof. Jack, We got to get that ticket back.

I want to see if Nick's okay. There's no time. Come on.

I won't cut again. Let me hear the p word on that.

I would never insult you, Mr. Vivaldi. When you lie, that's an insult.

I'm getting a flea bath later. Join me? You touch me again, fur ball...

If you harm a hair on her head... Stop!

In a movie? Amadeus. It won eight Oscars.

Is that all, sport? Yep, that about does it.

Is this guy a success story, or what? It's unbelievable.

Is this your kid? This? Oh, no.

It's a live grenade. Yeah, right, Jack. Right, right.

It's not too tight, is it? No, no. It's... It's the style.

Jack, what kept you? Dad!

Look. Dead. They always look dead! Like in Die Hard.

Meet your new partner. Oh, no.

Moe, who? Zart.

Mozart. The guy Practice killed?

Mulcahey! Sir.

Nerve gas! What are you talking about?

No, action. This guy's an action star. Down the center on the left.

Oiler, you're partnered up with Waterman. Give me a partner, Sarge.

Pardon me. Excuse me. Hey!

Piece of cake. Hey.

Practice! Makes perfect.

Promise. All right.

Questions? Yeah.

Quiet. This is a drug bust. A drug bust?

Really? Really? No, not really. I'm lying.

Right. Benedict.

Right. Wrong.

Schwarzenegger. Gesundheit.

Secure the sidewalk. No one in or out. Yes, sir.

See it before it opens? Yeah.

She'll be there when the shift is over. Yes, sir.

Sickness, pain, warts, politicians... You already mentioned them.

Slater, here's what I... When the governor gets here, call me.

So? So...

Stay in the car. No way. I'm coming with you.

Stay thy hand, fair prince. Who said I'm fair?

Stop it! Evening. Uncle Jack around?

Thanks, honey. Wait a minute.

That cat is one of the best men I got! Yeah.

That's Skeezy. I'll get rid of him.

That's what you always say. I do?

The car's a piece of junk, anyway. Drive, bonehead!

The Fart goes off in seven minutes. Get my car.

Then how did he know? Jack Slater I.

This is her first movie. You see?

This man needs a doctor! I'm a doctor.

Wait! I can prove this is a movie. Who the hell are you, kid?

Wait. Where are you going? I'll be back.

Was it beautiful? Perfect in every detail.

We're still here. Are you sure about that? Look.

Wearing thin? Bingo.

Well, what do you think? Well, I've never seen anything like it.

What happened? What happened, pal? What is it, doc?

What the hell was that? Hey! Watch it!

What? It's just...

What? Slater V, the soundtrack.

What? The climax is on the fritz.

What? Trust me.

What's the phone number of this store? 555 2310.

What's winning got to do with this? No! The very first Jack Slater.

What's your real name? Danny Madigan.

Where are we, anyway? Home.

Where are you really from? 355...

Who are you working for, John? What do you mean?

Who did this? Listen to me. This is important.

Who's asking? The tin man.

Will you get in here? Well... Mom, wait.

Yes! All right.

You are obviously much more intelligent. Thank you.

You decided to join me, huh? The Fart is a bomb.

You mean the guy with the glass eye? No.

You put me in a cage for 10 years. You should have gotten the death penalty.

You stay here... Yeah, I know. I stay here.

You think you're funny, don't you? I know I am.

You want me vacuum now? No, thank you.

You'll be dead, but... Freeze!

You're a doctor? Yes.

...Absolutely fabulous. I'm telling you.