BASEketball (1998) Edit

A baseketball!

A double's from the top of the key. You have to shoot from a different place.

A familiar story, but this is no ordinary Joe.

A game they have dedicated to Ted Denslow,

A game where guys with bad backs

A guy? A dude.

A promise that could decide between life and death for this brave boy.

A single's from the freethrow line.

A time tested moneymaker. Every athlete does it.

A triple's from back here, and a home run's from behind the meatballs.

A year for the Toronto Argonauts, plus one season at the Desert Inn,

A young man. His whole life in front of him disappears.

About Joey. Was he...? Is he...?

Above the Lagoon of Peace. Let go!

After playing for New England, San Diego, Houston, St. Louis,

After the gruelling regular BASEketball season,

Airing between Recycled Junk, starring Lisa Campbell,

Al, we've seen some classic Denslow Cup battles in the past,

All you gotta do is make a single from here,

Along with his lovely new wife Yvette.

Alright, guys. You ready to kick some ass?

Alright, sounds good.

Alright, we can come up with a better way. Like how?

Alright, you little bitch. Take a shot!

Alright! Let's go win the championship!

Alright.

An entire league has sprung up. Starting with 12 teams in June.

An new driveway game has captured the imagination of a neighborhood.

And a plane ticket to Calcutta.

And bad knees can get together and compete

And begged me to ask you to visit him, but it's not a good idea.

And gets his driver's license and starts going out with girls

And he's already hit 2 home runs tonight.

And his hero, Joe Cooper, promising to hit 3 home runs,

And it's... gone.

And make everything right again!

And our gas is about to get shut off.

And playing Nintendo? I'm in my 2nd year of med school

And Same Old Crap, featuring teen heartthrob Mark Swenson.

And shitting curry. Guys, knock it off!

And smack my wife in the eye. Shut up, Remer.

And so, the ideal of sports once again blossomed

And staring into his eyes over our morning coffee.

And take advantage of lucrative corporate tie ins,

And that's not all: Prime equity stock options,

And the toothbrush...

And this lotion made you feel better? I've found another use for it.

And this poncho that kept me dry...

And training for the Summer Games. What're you two up to?

And you can shut off our gas, and we'll never call you Squeak again.

And you can, too. Would I have quit baseketball?

And you'll be just fine. You said you didn't want us to play ball.

And, Coop?

Any backup dreams?

Any normal Joe can be a sports hero. Never wanted to be a sports hero?

Anybody call a taxi?

Anyway, I like your little game. How'd you like to go pro?

Are all these kids with you?

Are from the nearly 15,000 on hand for Anal Probe Night.

Are ruined, and all you can do is argue about who has the bigger penis.

Are we going to the zoo?

Are we gonna kick their ass?

As guys who are goosed up on steroids.

As long as we don't have to run or jump or dribble.

As much as at college? What? A lot more! Big money.

As the Beers star tries to regroup. Excuse me,

Asshole!

At least I'm on the team.

At this time, I'd like to ask everyone to leave the room,

Aw shit!

Awesome! We should do it!

Baseketball? I got 3 words for you: National Baseketball League.

Baxter Cain is not going quietly into the good night. Baxter?

Be a hero. You already are a hero, Coop.

Be right with you!

Because his vision brought baseketball from local driveways into big arenas,

Because his vision brought baseketball from local driveways into big arenas,

Because if you don't the team reverts to Yvette.

Because of you the foundation's screwed. Me? Oh, there you are!

Beers have a shot at the conversion! Remer keeps it alive!

Beers Still Winning More and More Games

Beers win!

Beerswear Factory.

Before you make any hasty decisions,

Began to take a back seat to excessive celebration.

Best friends playing ball on the driveway.

Bob Costas, this has to be one of the most exciting baseketball games.

Brittany's underwear. Aw, dude!

But chicks like guys who can cook. What?

But fascinated by the flickering images and the pretty colors.

But I can't remember one that rivalled the drama and excitement of this one.

But I finished it myself.

But I think my lobby could use a good buffing.

But more importantly, into the hearts and TVs of America.

But more than anything,

But no matter how far major sports went, it wasn't enough

But rest assured. No reason to panic.

But the outside shooting of Coop and the deadly accuracy of Doug Remer.

But you can't let it bring you down.

But you're a little bitch.

By the dreams of the young.

By the fact it's Free Range Chicken Night.

Can they do that?

Can you hit 2 homeruns? Of course.

Can't gross me out. Well, check out Coop!

Cardiac syringe coming through!

Chelsea Clinton?

Chicken poo?

Christ! Will you turn that shit off? I'm scared! Listen to me.

Clear!

Cock!

Code blue, nurse! 70 cc's of sodium pentothal, stat!

Come in here! Check it out.

Come in. When you weren't at the hospital, I came right over.

Come on, Beers! Go, Coop!

Come on, bitch!

Come on, Coop. It's over.

Come on, Zane. That was...

Come on!

Come on!

Comprehensive health care, full dental, traveling H.M.O.

Congratulations, Don, this is gonna change your life.

Controlling interest

Coop and Remer.

Coop at the triple line, and Jansen sets up for the psych out.

Coop calls for quiet.

Coop has made a dream come true for that brave little...

Coop is heading for the triple square.

Coop lines up for a double. Okay, guys, 2nd and 3rd.

Coop steps into the single square.

Coop tips, and it's good! Double play. Beers win.

Coop up!

Coop, check out this cool shit we got at the hospital...

Coop, you know what Miss Reed told me tonight?

Coop! Oh, man! Can we talk to him?

Coop! Remer!

Coop's coming up.

Coop's the greatest guy in the whole world!

Could be a double play. Darcy tips.

Could I just once hang out with the team?

Could you sign my chicken? Joe Cooper? Baxter Cain.

Cut the crap, Squeak. You know me.

Dallas Felons' owner, Baxter Cain hoping for another Denslow Cup victory.

Dallas.

Damn it!

Death on the back roads and byways of America!

Deep inside me.

Denslow told me about you. Welcome to our community of owners.

Denslow was right. This season could be different.

Denslow's happy in his worm farm... Dude, I'm not gonna do it.

Did I just fart?

Didn't think you guys would show up.

Die! Asshole!

Dirk Jansen, winner of

Discuss it with your teammate. I don't have to. We think alike.

Do as I say. Play ball,

Do you think Shaq got rich playing in Orlando?

Do you think Shaq got rich playing in Orlando?

Do you think you could hit a home run for me tonight? Well...

Do you want me to move on to the conference room? Not yet.

Does it fold out? Yeah, a great bed! But that's Jenkins' bed.

Does it just suck being you? I'll show those guys

Does this thing work?

Don't feel badly about losing the team. I believe this is merely temporary.

Don't let 'em walk all over your face!

Don't stay too long.

Don't worry. From now, everything's gonna be A OK.

Don't you see what we have here?

Don't you see?

Doug Remer giving his teammate some last minute encouragement.

Dr. Kaiser!

Dream Come True Foundation.

Dude, it's a whole different ball game now that you own the team.

Dude, that is so fucking weak. How am I supposed to get a chick in that?

Dude, that was a hostel!

Dude, weak.

Dude!

Dude?

Duh. It's uh... baseball rules.

Elsie Melcher, a neighbor who asked not to be identified, says

Enjoys full medical benefits and in house child care. We are glad

Even if Coop was to walk in here now, it wouldn't change things one iota.

Even if some guy's trying to blackmail you.

Even your best friend has turned his back.

Every owner has to vote yes. Denslow was already filthy rich.

Everybody in. One at a time.

Everyone at Beers Garden is on their feet!

Everyone's stomach in knots here, as Coop steps up. One more chance

Everything is wrong.

Excuse me!

Excuse me! Brittany!

Excuse me.

Excuse us.

Fat liposuctioned out of Marlon Brando's ass.

Feed. Chicken feed.

Felons on 1st and 3rd.

Felons' fans

Ferries up by one, Coop steps in.

Fight!

Fight!

Final tally: 14 injured, 3 dead.

Finally, my beloved Beers, I bequeath

Fine! I don't need you. I'll get myself a new best friend, too.

Fistfighting and brawling

Five years later

For Jenna?

For that 3rd home run.

For the love of our Caribbean brothers, stop this madness!

For your girlfriend's foundation to go into Chapter 11...

From here?

From Milwaukee, Wisconsin, it's the Denslow Cup,

From now on, we're full partners. Really?

Fuck!

Fucks the sleeve of his favorite jacket. What?

Gentlemen, I'm Ted Denslow.

Gentlemen, those are pictures of the Beers clothing line

Gentlemen!

Gentlemen... Double! Guy on 2nd and 3rd.

Get a hold of yourself! Leave me alone!

Get this guy. I don't know what to do. Nothing works on him.

Give it up! She doesn't like you. She has the hots for you?

Give me those things! You're gonna kill him! Clear!

Go ahead. Go back to your fancy cars, big bank accounts

Go out there and make that shot!

Goddam it! You rip on me 13 or 14 more times and I'm outta here.

Goddam!

Good catch, Coop! I can't believe it!

Good evening!

Got milk?

Got milk?

Great to have you with us. So Miami takes the field.

Guys who kept coming close and then finally got there.

Guys!

Hang on!

Hang on! Oh, my God! Remember to hold your breath just before we hit.

Hanging out, playing Nintendo. Cock.

Hard to believe that just 5 years ago

Hard to believe that just 5 years ago this game was played only on driveways.

Hate to interrupt your celebration, but this might interest you.

Have a seat.

Haven't got 50 bucks. They're no good.

He didn't need the changes. But you do.

He didn't psyche me out! If anyone got the psych out, it should be Denslow.

He is pissed.

He kept screaming, Choke! and lost consciousness. He'll be fine tomorrow.

He missed.

He saw that?

He shoots! It's going, going...

He told everyone he caught you jacking off before the game.

He'd have to quit baseketball, too?

He'll never expect it. Here, say this...

He's been moved next door.

He's blind, Doug.

He's flatlining! You killed him!

He's getting his claws removed. If you'll excuse me.

He's going into the hospital next week,

He's going to remember this day for the rest of his life.

He's here to shut off the gas. You work for the gas company?

He's in deep focus. This obviously means a lot to him.

He's right. That's one out. One out? Give me the damn ball!

He's sleeping, and I really wanted to finish this book.

He's trying to tell you something!

He's turning blue! He's freezing. He needs a blanket.

Hello, I'm Al Michaels along with Bob Costas inviting you

Hello! Victoria Silvstedt, Playmate of the Year.

Her mother, and, finally, the man they called The Whisperer.

Here is your daughter in law... She's my son's wife.

Here's a computer enhanced simulation of what he might look like today.

Here's your decaf mocha, Jenna.

Here's your decaf mocha, Jenna.

Hernandez, look!

Hey, Baxter? I finally got all the chrome off this for you.

Hey, Coop, looks like your boy Denslow's gonna buy the farm.

Hey, guys. Thought I told you we weren't going to watch this game.

Hey, Jansen, nice psych out, dingleberry. Yes!

Hey, Jenna. Hey, Doug.

Hey, Skid Mark Steve! You still hanging out

Hey, Smits! Wanna see a scary face?

Hey, Squeak! Miss it!

Hey, that's my wife. And this is me!

Hey, Watson, have you seen those beer commercials?

Hey, you missed it! We won! We kicked ass! We're in the play offs!

Hey, you! No entrance.

Hi, Brittany!

Hi, I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

High up in the stands, pyrotechnic expert Sergio Lucky Ferouch

His blood sugar's way up since yesterday. Has his fluid intake been changed?

His disjointed voice seemed...

His new, all adult workforce now makes a decent wage,

His sodium level's through the roof!

His untimely death casts a pall over an otherwise sweet victory!

Historic moments, forged by the love of the game,

Hope he looks as snappy in them as I did.

How about One picture is worth 1,000 words? That's a good one!

How about poisoning the reservoir?

I am not! Why am I hanging out with you guys?

I am so jealous of you.

I baked it myself.

I bequeath these season tickets

I called a taxi! We gotta get going if I'm gonna hit those 3 home runs.

I can smell her perfume from here.

I can't believe those assholes taped over the game.

I can't believe you were fired for not shutting off our gas for 6 weeks!

I can't do this shit!

I can't imagine what he had against making money?

I caught the 3rd one in the stands.

I couldn't help but overhear your conversation with Miss Reed.

I did. Here.

I did. Here.

I didn't expect you'd come.

I didn't go over the line, did I? Not at all. Don't worry!

I didn't kill him! You missed the 3rd home run, and you killed him.

I didn't kill him. Get outta here!

I don't doubt that.

I don't have your fucking ball.

I don't know where he is. He could be hanging in his closet. Scenario 1:

I don't know... And Miss Reed, too.

I don't think you're getting the point.

I don't wanna be with high school losers.

I feel much better now.

I fucked your sister.

I gave him the best 3 months of my life.

I get it. You guys are pissed off.

I got the two home run balls I hit in the World Series.

I got this letter... Me, too.

I got you, dude. I got you!

I gotta go. No... Yeah, I'm sorry.

I guess you've got a point there. Alright, maybe I was wrong.

I had nothing but respect for your late husband.

I hear you. Just look at these people!

I just realized I can't stand you!

I knew it was gonna come down to me. It's not just you. We're a team.

I know I could pull through, if...

I know I'll never get that back again.

I know you have it in you to lead the Beers to victory this season.

I leave to my niece Susan. Limited edition, signed

I look out for my wimmins. Before we discuss fabric or color,

I lost the big game and a dear friend.

I love it. Good. I'm glad.

I love kids. Which one is Travis? Heads up, big guy.

I love ya, always have.

I made it myself. Just like you. You made this?

I mean, child.

I mean, the kids are! I try to keep them interested in permanent things.

I mean, whoever it was that month.

I never really minded... Shut up, bitch!

I remember...

I saw some kid in the ballpark with it. You gotta hang on to that.

I saw the pictures.

I see you've been admiring my museum. Is that really...?

I talked to the foundation. They want to make your last wish...

I think I may have a solution to her problem. There!

I thought I'd say hi to little friend Joey.

I thought it was we. It's not just up to you anymore.

I told you this was going to happen!

I totally had it, but my glasses slipped.

I trust that quality isn't sexually transmitted.

I wanna be just like you when I grow up.

I wanna feel you.

I want to tell everyone you're with us. Why it's fine the way it is.

I want you to play ball with me.

I was just fixing clam chowder.

I went to this hospital in France and got together with this chick.

I wore in Rootin' Tootin' Rhythm I bequeath to my nephew Herman.

I would never do anything to hurt... these kids.

I'd have a shitload of nickels.

I'd love to come by. I'll come by. I like hospitals.

I'll take my shot! Sure hope I make it, so I can get home quick

I'm begging you,

I'm doing the Happy Dance...

I'm feeling pretty vulnerable right now. I don't think I should be alone...

I'm getting myself a new best friend.

I'm giving Jenna a pre commitment ring,

I'm going to die.

I'm gonna kick your ass. Easy.

I'm in a hurry!

I'm in charge of the team, and the whole league now.

I'm in, all or nothing.

I'm just saying, we'll be here for Joey. I promise.

I'm just worried about getting attached. I mean, the kids getting attached.

I'm not gonna remember all that! This is for the play offs.

I'm planning to expand the museum.

I'm saying that, because she's a guy. It's impossible! Just look at her!

I'm sick of playing second fiddle to you.

I'm sorry.

I'm talking about Reggie Jackson. He hit 3 home runs in one game.

I'm the King of the World!

I've always dreamed of big game hunting,

I've come up with a plan to make sure Coop never wins the Denslow Cup.

I've got a lot to learn about sharing.

I've got two over.

If a woman wants a mate to respond,

If Coop can make this one, the Beers' long wait will be over.

If I know anything about this country, it will go nuts for baseketball.

If I were a woman, I'd like to be his girlfriend,

If no clear winner emerges, a two man sack race will be held

If not for your mess, I wouldn't be jetlagged

If there's anything you need, don't hesitate to ask. Thanks, dude.

If there's anything you need. Oh, Teddy! He just fell over!

If there's anything you need. Oh, Teddy! He just fell over!

If they ever get out, the Beers and the foundation will be ruined.

If we can't be friends, then the heart and soul are out of this game.

If what, dude? Just say it and Coop will do it.

If what?

If you two miss the next Beers game.

If you'd have agreed to Cain's changes it never would have.

If you've forgotten what baseketball means to America,

In a minute, another unsolved mystery. Come on, kids!

In Calcutta. Oh, just great.

In Denslow Cup IV...

In Denslow Cup IV...

In the river, baby! Come on! No doubt about it!

In the S.W. Division East Northern, then Milwaukee goes to the Denslow Cup,

Indentured servants? Yes!

Involve a miracle cure or something.

Is it really you? Yeah, it's me.

Is readying another spectacular halftime fireworks display.

Is your canine locked up or secured within your domicile?

Isn't this game about being with your friends and having a good time?

It all comes down to this. One shot. If Coop makes it,

It does seem to be raining shit on Joe Cooper right now.

It is the most spectacular extravaganza I have ever seen.

It meant so much to me. All I ever dreamed of was

It was a killer psych out. Really? Shake it off. I got this guy.

It was a team effort. It took every player working together to lose this one.

It was all Coop's fault!

It's a clothing line.

It's a high fly ball to right...

It's all salty and warm. Why would I do this?

It's easy for you. You got the team. We got jack shit! Even Squeak's pissed!

It's good! Coop triples again.

It's good! The Beers are off to a promising start tonight!

It's good! Coop sinks his 2nd home run.

It's good! The Beers stay alive in the 9th.

It's my husband! Somebody help him! Oh, God!

It's my husband! Somebody help him! Oh, God!

It's nice to have a strong, handsome man like you on my side.

It's nice to meet you, Miss...? Reed. Jenna Reed.

It's not like he's asking you to hit 2 home runs!

It's now a 2 run game. Dirk Jansen apparently missed

It's off the rim. Could be a double play, Maxwell tips...

It's strange. He's 8 years old and smells like Robert Downey, Jr.

It's your mess, Remer. I should've kept the team. Dude... Enough!

It's...

Its seed merely lay dormant in the dreams of the young.

Jackson having an incredible night.

Jansen's try...

Jenna Reed, the director of some kids' charity,

Joe Cooper left his house 2 weeks ago.

Joe Cooper, Coop. I know.

Joey, this is great.

Joey? He's such a big fan of yours.

Joseph R. Cooper, the most loved sports figure in the country...

Just like you take it: Non fat milk, low whipped cream and a sprinkle of cinnamon.

Just listen to that crowd. Reggie!

Just one shot! You can do it! We can win this thing.

Just spend a day with the Beers? Could I, Coop?

Keeps it alive. Last chance! Coop...

Killer set up, Mr. Cain. What do you pay in rent? Nothing. I own it.

Kind of like a bunt. Exactly! Doesn't put any runners on base. Sweet!

Know what? You're not my best friend anymore. How do you like that?

Ladies and gentlemen,

Ladies and gentlemen! For the 7th inning entertainment,

Lay some carpet, if you know what I mean.

Let me do the talking. No way I'm doing a deal with this piece of shit.

Let me get straight to the point, Don. May I call you Don? Yeah.

Let's bail. No, let's go to Brittany's room!

Let's make it interesting.

Like when I was a kid and players were treated like...

Like... Jenna, I can explain.

Listen to that crowd!

Listen to those foam heads doing the Beers' chug!

Listen, partner.

Little Joey Thomas undergoing a lifesaving operation tonight.

Live, damn it!

Long wanger...

Look at him, man... he's huge! You want me to psych him out?

Look at me! I've become everything I used to hate.

Look at you guys, fighting on the Malaka Laka board!

Look at you guys. You seem so happy. I guess we were.

Look at yourselves! You're just typical men with humongous egos!

Look out ahead, there's a truck changing lanes.

Look who's here. My biological father?

Look, Jerry Springer!

Losers up first. This is a single, right?

Losing the truck pissed 'em off the most.

Major sports started interleague play. Then they tried intersports play.

Manning rolls right. He's got Plough at the ten... Touchdown,

Many of them, of course, with no understanding of the sport,

Maybe we just grew up too fast.

Me? Never!

Meet their perennial challengers, the Milwaukee Beers.

Minnesota.

Miss it. Steve Perry...

Miss Reed helped me for most of it.

Miss Reed, this is Remer. Like a fresh pretzel?

Miss Reed?

Miss Reed?

Miss Reed's foundation will never worry about funding again.

Mr. Cain, Doug Remer is here to see you. Remer? I asked him to come tomorrow.

Mr. Cain? As part owner of the Beers, I'd like to say: Where do I sign?

Mr. Squeak? What? What grade are you in?

Much like the hired guns of the Old West.

My autographed Ty Cobb bat.

My deepest sympathy! Thank you, Mr. Cain.

My eye!

My name's not Squeak. It's Kenny!

My worst enemy turned out to be me.

Needs a little work on the hands.

Next thing I know, I'm on ESPN and Wheaties boxes.

Nice going out there.

Nicole! Let's say hi to Nicole.

No one in L.A. Seemed to notice.

No pulse! More power! 10,000 volts!

No, Daddy, don't touch me there!

No, I wanna turn off your gas. And don't call me bitch!

No, I'm sorry, Remer.

No, in college. Everybody knows that. It's not about the money.

No, Joe Cooper.

No, just do it really subtle.

No, only my friends call me pig fucker.

No, we get it.

No!

No!

No! I'm not gonna give up on this kid! Calm down, man!

No! It says you're underappreciated and underpaid!

Not allow teams to change cities,

Not if the proceeds go to charity. Think about it.

Not old enough for prostitution, he personally flew there.

Not to mention the wasted space for the oxygen bottle!

Nothing seems right.

Now down to just two, including the inventors of the game.

Now shooting, number 17, Doug Sir Swish Remer!

Now shooting, number 23, Squeak Little Bitch Scolari!

Now shooting, number 44, Coop Airman Cooper!

Now that we're alone, Coop, there's something I wanna tell you.

Now you're a big shot you're gonna act in a Hollywood movie?

Of Baseketball.

Of course we did, cock. Beer?

Of the downtrodden but happy natives: Your Milwaukee Beers!

Oh yeah, he misses... Damn it!

Oh, Coop, I want to believe you...

Oh, God! If I could have one guy out there, it'd be you.

Oh, man! That doesn't even qualify as an air ball!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Did I just fart?

Oh, my God! LA Z BOY has popped!

Oh, my God! You haven't changed at all.

Oh, right.

Oh, shit!

Oh, thank you. Goes great with mustard.

Okay, Squeak, let's just shoot for it.

Okay. I shoot from wherever I want, right?

On paper, the Beers had the far superior team.

One more chance for that 3rd home run.

One of Brittany's mom's pubic hairs!

One, two, three, fuck the Mexicans!

Open your blouse and say Ahh.

Or a giant panda. That's not in the spirit of the foundation.

Or bitch.

Or bitch.

Or he misses.

Or players to be traded. And everybody will get paid the same,

Or throwing flesh eating fish into a public swimming pool?

Our Caribbean brothers in the ceremonial handshake

Overshadowed every athletic competition. As the problems mounted,

People's attention spans today can only be measured in nanoseconds.

Permanent?

Pierce, I hear your mom's going out with Squeak.

Players of your caliber should be making the big bucks. Don't you agree?

Players sold their services to the highest bidder,

Police have several possible scenarios of what happened

Poor Joey!

Poor kids! We can't let this happen. We gotta do something.

Poppyseed muffins! I thought you had your electrolysis appointment today.

Pretty sweet, huh?

Professional athletes come and go. Not in baseketball. There's rules against it.

Really? Would you mind signing these?

Reggie Jackson hits his 3rd home run of the game.

Reggie!

Relax. Do the Happy Dance!

Remember when you had the crabs

Remer heads for the double line.

Remer still nailing down that psych out.

Remer, someday I'm gonna become a big sports star. Whatever you say.

Remer, you better make sure your toe's not over the line.

Remind me to show you the prize in the collection:

Right now you're jealous, but don't blame me for my sweet ass.

Right. The dog's appointment is tomorrow. Honest mistake, Squeak.

Runner on 3rd. This could bring him home.

Scalpel! Where do I cut?

Search your heart. What's the one thing you want more than anything else?

See! She was checking out my ass. She wasn't!

Seems the whole world is out to get you.

She said she wants me to be a big sports star.

She will reveal to him the secret of a woman's duality.

She will tell him about the interior woman,

She's here, that girl from the bar. That's a guy.

Shit, Coop. I'm sorry. I guess the money did go to my head.

Shit, Denslow! These Beers fans have to be disappointed.

Shit, Denslow! These Beers fans have to be disappointed.

Shit! Pretend this is just another game.

Shut up!

Single! Man on 1st. Are you Joe Cooper?

Sir, can I borrow your blanket? I'm here for you, Joey.

Six months later

So I can have a private moment with Coop.

So that's why she didn't move around a lot.

So the team will be mine? Yes. Wonderful, Baxter.

So, what's your dream?

Some little shit got the 3rd one.

Something went awry.

Sometimes I forget why I play the game.

Soon it was commonplace for entire teams to change in search of greater profits.

Sorry I missed that 3rd homerun.

Sorry, I forgot how much Doug Remer cares about kids. Gentlemen!

Sorry.

Squeak has a better chance.

Squeak Scolari walks out to take the last remaining single.

Stadiums and arenas became no more

Starting tomorrow we gotta stop playing games!

Stop it!

Stop that! I'm not crying, because I'm happy.

Stop! Don't shoot!

Subtle...

Sure, once. But that was long time ago.

Sure.

Sweet.

Symbol of brotherhood in many Polynesian countries. In the role

Take that!

Ted told us about it.

Thank you for all you've done for Joey. Oh, it's nothing.

Thank you, Doug. I baked you fresh poppyseed muffins, too.

Thank you, Doug. I baked you fresh poppyseed muffins, too.

Thanks a lot, Dr. Dickhead. You totally fucked me there. It was a joke.

Thanks for flying back, Coop. You really made a difference!

Thanks, Doug. And so... You wanna do an interview with me?

Thanks, dude! Go get 'em, Coop!

Thanks, dude.

Thanks. You know I gotta tell you, it's 'cause of you that I'm here.

That brings up Enrique Hernandez.

That gentleman is Ted Denslow, the father of professional baseketball,

That hurts, man. My clothing line is saving Jenna's foundation.

That inevitably followed even the most pedestrian of accomplishments.

That shit's overrated anyway.

That sucks. I gotta get my trophy. Let's have a hot dog sometime.

That was fair. Let's play ball.

That wasn't a gay joke. That was an Australian joke.

That's a pretty tall order. You'd have a better shot at Bill.

That's against the baseketball bylaws.

That's him, Squeak. That's Tuttle. He's been talking shit about you.

That's kidneys, Coop.

That's nice to know.

That's the defense. We gotta say fucked up shit to make 'em miss.

That's two rooms done. Those corners are tricky! A fine job!

That's way back

The Aliens coming up with the top of their order, the same 3 guys

The always dangerous Grumsky coming up.

The athletes caring less about playing than planning the vulgar grandstanding

The ball Coop has used every day. A time out has been called,

The Beers are gone in the 7th.

The Beers cheerleaders also mourning the loss.

The Beers coming up to bat in this season opener against Miami,

The Beers have done it.

The Beers have done it. They're on their way to the Denslow Cup.

The Beers have to stop Dallas if they want to stay in this game.

The Beers hold them on the 9th on a clutch psych out

The Beers must beat Indianapolis to advance to Charlotte,

The Beers win the Cup and get to keep the team.

The Beers win their 10th consecutive game...

The Beers, vying for a slot in the Denslow Cup. 9th inning.

The cable bill... Check it out! What's that?

The chicks. That sucks, dude. We gotta get jobs.

The Dallas Felons. Now let's all join

The Dallas locker room's over there. I know, but it was so crowded.

The End

The fans became less and less interested. To reverse the trend,

The fans here all wearing yellow ribbons in support of this brave little boy.

The games became subordinate to the quest for money.

The guy in the Chippendales calendar? No, that was Dwayne Zackemore.

The guys on death row only get a meal, right?

The Jazz moved to Salt Lake City where they don't allow music.

The key to the game was when I psyched out Coop.

The kids' lives

The loss of this ball is going to affect the outcome of this game.

The Malaka Laka Balance Board of Trust.

The National Baseketball League is proud to present

The National Baseketball League would like to present to the Beers

The next game is the Denslow Cup. You've been reading the papers.

The night before his disappearance, Coop's girlfriend paid him a visit.

The Oakland Raiders moved to L.A. And then back to Oakland.

The Oilers moved to Tennessee, where there's no oil.

The one that grants wishes to sick and dying kids, right?

The operation went fine. Just after the game, he seemed to be suffocating.

The Pope's visit to Dodger Stadium

The pressure on these players has to be enormous.

The real beauty of this game is anyone can play.

The search for greener pastures went on. Continued expansion diluted

The severed head was postmarked Denver.

The spirit of athletic competition, though, indeed was not dead.

The sports world was devastated by the passing of Ted Denslow.

The talent pool, forcing owners

The talented Felon girls appearing in their 3rd Denslow Cup game.

The team wearing black in memory of the late Beers owner.

The Winter's Warm Douche M.V.P. Trophy. What's your take?

The woman stared hopefully

Then to the National Eastern Division North to play Tampa.

Then we get the khakis. Then the chicks.

Then you have to make the same shot, or else you get a letter.

Theodore Denslow dead at 85. His hairpiece was 24.

There he is!

There is one other thing.

There was a time in America when contests of athletic prowess

There were four of them in the corral: The once proud beast, the broken girl,

There's no reason

These aren't the kind of people to be emulated.

These chaps

They feel a certain connection with you as players.

They make the conversion! The home run counts!

They quarreled.

They stopped serving them after the 7th. Get this man a hot dog!

They stopped serving them after the 7th. Get this man a hot dog!

They want to make your dream come true as long as it doesn't

They'll have to get by Big Ed Tuttle and the L.A. Riots.

Think about the greats who have played this game.

Think you could go any faster? Can I go any faster?

This authorizes me to enter your property and terminate services

This game is made all the more special

This game's pretty badass.

This hand painted plate commemorating

This is Brittany Kaiser's house, and I really wanna fuck her.

This is Coop Cooper. He could hit 3 home runs if you wanted. Huh, Coop?

This is the best day of my entire life.

This is the will reading. Well, in that case...

This place looks like a Dockers commercial. Hey, Stef!

Those girls were only in grade school.

Those little shits never pay full price anyway.

Those pictures never have to see the light of day, if...

Thought so.

Three months later

Throbbing cock...

Till a champion is crowned.

Time just finally ran out for the old cocksucker.

Tip in! Double play, three outs! What? We're up.

To achieve excellence. But as time passed and the country neared the millennium,

To be that guy, have that one shining moment.

To bring the fans back.

To join us here at Beers Garden for Denslow Cup V.

To Joseph R. Cooper.

To promise to pledge we'll get engaged as soon as we make a commitment.

To promote commercial products.

To recruit heavily from prisons, mental institutions and Texas.

To the Dream Come True Foundation.

To the man affectionately known to the world as Coop.

Top of the 7th. Those cheers you're hearing

Tough break, Squeak. Now you gotta fetch the ball, bitch.

Try to stay with me, alright?

Two outs!

Tyler, I hear your sister's going out with Squeak.

Uh, no! What am I doing here?

Unbelievable! The Beers win!

Unfortunately, he stood in the way of making changes in baseketball

Unfortunately, that one man is Squeak Scolari.

Unless Baltimore upsets Buffalo and Charlotte ties Toronto.

Until all delinquent payments have been generated. What?

Until we allow teams to move cities and players to change teams

Update: We still have no fucking clue where this guy is.

Vajoina!

Victoria Silvstedt, Playmate of the Year.

Wait a minute! Why is me going out with his sister fucked up?

Wake up, bitch. You're my best friend. Really? What?

Walking in the park, hand in hand,

Wanna get a sandwich? Yeah, let's get a sandwich.

Warts on your dick aren't going away, less you start using cream every day.

Way to go, dude!

We can explain it more slowly, big sports guys!

We can still win this thing. Can we do it? Yes!

We can win the game with this one. Bring me home.

We can win this thing! Are you with me?

We got 5 runs that inning.

We gotta try open heart massage.

We graduated with Brittany. You graduated?

We have no jobs, the rent's overdue

We invented this game together, but you get to control everything.

We just gotta kick some ass and play to keep this team. You ready?

We just lost the game! Do the Happy Dance!

We just lost the game! Do the Happy Dance!

We spent in the tattoo parlor in Chicago. Come on, baby!

We totally kicked ass. And this is just the start.

We win and they get

We win the game!

We'll never get her. Or any chick.

We'll sort out the stuff when we get to Jacksonville.

We're going to the game!

We're gonna take these mooks out or what? Let me handle this one!

We're in for a classic battle tonight.

We're not interested. Wait a minute! Hear me out.

We're now in month 9 of the play offs.

We're supposed to be a team. Without Coop it's not the same.

We're underway here for the Denslow Cup V.

We're underway.

We're up 16 to nothing. Have the trucks pull up to the locker room.

Welcome to Calcutta. It is currently 95 degrees with a light drizzle.

Well, go! Go ahead!

Well, maybe it'll make him feel better. Joey!

Were a metaphor for the nobility of man.

What a game! The Shirts win the World Championship

What a great picture!

What a story this is!

What about staying positive? Your donor liver's arriving today.

What are you doing here? I jet here, I jet there.

What are you doing here? I'm not sure.

What are you doing? Where are those paddle things George Clooney uses?

What happened out there? Well, you know...

What is it?

What is it?

What is it? I hear your sister's going out with Squeak.

What is it? It's Reggie.

What low life scum would use children this way?

What seems to be the problem, guy?

What sucks.

What?

What? No! I need you to get Coop to go along.

What's a vajoina?

What's going on? Coop? This was Tim McCarver

What's that old saying? A penny saved is a penny earned? Don't eat cheese...

What's that? It's a commitment ring.

What's wrong? Why the long faces? Can't win without Coop.

Whatever! I gotta show you the scoreboard I made!

Whatever. Shit.

When I see one of baseketball's stars with less than $20 in his pocket,

When Joe Cooper discovered that Beerswear Factory workers were kids,

When's the last time you made a homerun without LA Z BOY?

Where the defending champion, the Dallas Felons,

Where's the body? They buried him 2 days ago.

Where's the singing? I don't wanna sing! Come on, sing!

Who came up last inning.

Who is that? Who's it look like?

Who is Ty Cobb?

Who plays Latino cutup Scooter on the comedy series What's the Difference?,

Who the hell are you? I factory manager. Who you?

Who's this bimbo Coop's got the hots for?

Why did you tell those losers? Me...

Why do you play it, Coop? Mr. October.

Why don't you visit sometime? Maybe we could

Why?

Why?

Why? Sorry, dude. If you're looking for Joey Thomas,

Why? Why? Gentlemen,

With a photocopied certificate of authenticity... Jenna!

With baseketball we can start fresh,

With last night's victory over Boston

With that new liver he should be peeing like a champ in no time.

With the exception of Coop, the Beers are ice cold.

With the first 7 months out of the way, the play off picture is now emerging:

With this year's Denslow Cup. Congratulations!

Would you just stop it?

Would you mind signing autographs for the kids?

Wow! The Lord must really have it in for that little boy.

Wrapping my legs around him, cuddling in the spoon position

Yeah, he's a major dude.

Yeah, I could! No, you're a little bitch.

Yeah, I guess we are underpaid. I want to change all that.

Yeah, I'm ready to consider thinking about dating her exclusively.

Yeah, they want me...

Yeah, they were disguised as baseketball players. I was so worried...

Yeah, two outs!

Yes, it was his fault.

Yes, sir, but he's here now in the trophy room. The trophy room?

Yes, thank you.

Yes! Three outs. I'm up. Bottom of the 5th. Joseph R. Cooper?

Yes. When I see something I want, I get it.

You and your colleagues are going to have to continue working for...

You can camp out here for a while. This is pretty sweet!

You can cram 3 seats into the space it takes for one wheelchair.

You can kiss these puppies goodbye.

You can't help thinking about guys like John Elway,

You can't spit beer at me! I can do what I want to make you miss your shot!

You couldn't get a chick if you had $100 hanging outta your zipper.

You didn't make that, did you? No!

You don't want us to show up at all! Of course. It's called blackmail!

You gotta fight.

You guys took me in.

You have to wonder what Charlie Hough is thinking, as Reggie...

You just watch me, dude.

You kids with your loud music and your Dan Fogelberg,

You know what that says to me? Homos?

You know what you're doing? What's it look like? An execution?

You know, Joey, I've hit my fair share of homeruns, too.

You know, Remer, someday I'm gonna be a big sports star.

You know, Remer, someday I'm gonna own a big sports bar.

You lied to me! Again!

You losing weight?

You made a ball? Out of what?

You make that shot, or I'm gonna shove your head so far up your fucking ass...

You mean like horse? It's not like horse.

You miss, you get an out. Ready? Break. What?

You mother's deaf. My mother is dead, you little twerp!

You see, Joey, dreams really do come true.

You should be ashamed!

You think? That's low. Why is that low?

You turned down Cain's offer without talking to us.

You want me to have bigger titties? What?

You were in a hot tub with a Playmate. You know what?

You would!

You'll find Joe Cooper, wherever you'll find the most heinous

You're a big fan of baseketball? No.

You're a little flushed. You have a temperature? No, I'm fine.

You're absolutely right, Jim. Ted Denslow was a hero,

You're excited? Feel these nipples!

You're goddam fucking fat...

You're gonna own 1/12 of the rent, the water bill, the power bill,

You're just saying that, 'cause you want her yourself.

You're the best, Coop!

You're up.

You've won these kids' hearts, but...

Your bed's over there.

Your celebrity friends, and your beautiful women

Your life is spinning out of control.

Your mother's a terrible cook!

Your place is a shit hole anyway.

Your psych outs were the best.

Your Zima, hula hoops and Pac Man video games.

2 outs. Remer heading for the triple square. He's 0 for 12 tonight.

3? Alright. Remer, can I talk to you over there real quick?

9th inning, the Beers are just one out away from making the play offs.

9th inning. Beers still down by 2 runs.

9th inning. The Beers still behind by 3 runs and down to their last out.

15,000!

20 bucks? How about 50? You're on.

...4 runs batted in. And he's already hit 2 home runs tonight.

...enjoying themselves at the final game.

...goes home, does some push ups,

...I'm running outta ideas. That's why we have this short shot.

...when man and beast collide.

'Cause you try, but you can't let go.

[music and end credits]