Keanu (2016) Edit

A damn ass street fight.

A friend of mine went to grade school with the speechwriter

A kid stabbed me 'cause I stole his Ring Pop.

A ****a make a goddamn deal.

About no exchange tomorrow.

About this job that I did in Paris for a couple of months,

About time you passed that shit, eh?

About what exactly went down at the Diaz church massacre.

Absolutely wrong. 100% wrong.

After that,

Again.

Agree to disagree with that one.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah! Yay! You guys are here!

Ah...

Aight, man.

Aight, Papi.

Aight.

Ain't no thang.

All right, dawg!

All right, go, go, go. Just walk.

All right, in or out.

All right, just stay there.

All right, let me explain somethin' to y'all real quick.

All right, listen.

All right, sweetheart.

All right? This one of the greatest recording artists of all time, man.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Hey. I'll be right back, pimpin'.

All right. Okay.

All right. We're good. We're gonna go.

All right. You doin' all right, right?

All this Bliptown family shit?

Allentown or not, y'all gonna be my Allentown ****as today.

Allentown!

Am I in Heaven?

Am I right, Tech?

And at the same time, Cheddar,

And at the same time, I need you to clean up

And be a stunt man in my spare time, yo!

And came down and was still shooting ****as.

And diarrhea is what I'm talking about.

And didn't nobody say nothing

And drain ours.

And everyone gonna say their name

And he probably had a fuckin' father figure

And I failed.

And I got into gang bangin' after I got stabbed by my moms.

And I just want you to be Clarence.

And I ran hurdles in high school.

And I swear to God, this drug is insane.

And I went to a exclusive,

And I'm coming home tomorrow morning instead of tomorrow night.

And I'm just having some really rugged fun, you know?

And I've never done that,

And it's just team building. This is what you do.

And it's time to turn down, man!

And just remember, Rell.

And now I see that you are, in fact,

And now tomorrow, I can mow the lawn,

And Officer Dunn.

And put him in our trunk.

And put him in our trunk.

And so, yeah. I mean, the 17th Street Blips,

And swam.

And that you can't just say it

And the beauty is,

And the only real question is,

And then he shot you, man. That's crazy.

And then two things about yourself.

And then we'll just go see where Cheddar's at, right?

And then, George Michael was trying to do that solo thing, right?

And then, he used to roll with this ****a, Ridgeley.

And then, wham!

And they're gonna take care of it. Right.

And this guy, he let me smoke some of 'this stuff.

And we gonna be on our goddamn way, Spencer!

And we just get Keanu.

And we the only ones that got it in LA.

And what are you gonna do to me?

And what's crack a lacking, beautiful people?

And when I don't stand up for myself,

And when I got back to my grandmamma house, she shot me.

And when them Allentown ****as get tired,

And when you're selling the heavier shit,

And women like bad boys.

And y'all fuckin' ruined it. Y'all fucked everything up.

And you don't meet Cheddar until you meet me.

And you ran up the wall and did a back flip,

And you take it as gospel, you understand?

And... No, that didn't sound right.

And'?

Anything? Beer, wine, liquor, girls'?

Appendix.

Are you okay?

Are you...

As recently, our docket is full, ****a

At a pet store.

Awesome!

Back up!

Be specific!

Because a woman can do anything a man can do, but...

Because I accidentally locked my car keys in my trunk once.

Because Iglesias belongs to my family.

Because it's, like, my favorite cartoon.

Because that would require a driver's license,

Because that's how real people talk, Clarence.

Because that's how we roll, motherfucker.

Because there's a bunch of dead people out here, that's why.

Because when I stand up for myself,

Because you being crazy disrespectful right now.

Because you gonna be in trouble in a second.

Because, my man right here,

Before we get on this job, it's time for us to all

Before y'all go run off and do your little tinkle

Bitch, shut the fuck up!

Bitch, you ain't no fuckin' cop.

Blips was supposed to run this game, man.

Blood bath. Hundred executions.

Blood Grips, Blips.

Bottom line is...

Bring it in right here, homie.

Bring your ass here, little Wendy!

Broke a lot of laws, probably.

Buckshot.

But everything happens for a reason.

But first let me introduce you to Officer Galloway

But I am married.

But I don't have a driver's license 'cause I'm from New York City.

But I'm here now.

But it's all good. It's nothing bad.

But okay.

But right quick, though, rig ht quick, though,

But this ain't no motherfucking pet store, ****a.

But this is practically Neverland fuckin' Ranch out here.

But we can't do that, and I'll tell you why.

But we need to talk about your behavior.

But what happened was I was trying to get my cat.

But why you drive this weak ass van?

But y'all some dumb fucks if you think I'm gonna be a rat.

But you wanna never get pulled over again,

But, baby...

But, you know, the thing about me and Techtonic,

But... l mean, that's not, like, concrete proof.

By Allentown standards,

Call Rell.

Can I help you?

Can you just explain to me what's going on right now?

Can't do it!

Can't leave the door open, you know what I'm sayin'?

Check it. We're going to approach the bar.

Cheddar already told y'all, we ain't here...

Cheddar is a psychopath name.

Cheddar said you was gonna show me how to do this.

Cheddar, seriously, man.

Cheddar, you're under arrest.

Cheddar!

Cheddar. Look,

Chill. Hey, yo, Cheddar.

Chipwrecked? The Squeakquel?

Clarence and I, having killed the Allentown brothers

Clarence,

Clarence, Clarence, they're bad people.

Clarence, I don't want you to see me like this.

Clarence, you can keep on talking, but just know, I think we just won.

Clarence, you did it, man! Fuck, you did it, cuz!

Clarence, you're embarrassing me.

Come here, buddy.

Come here, Keanu.

Come here.

Come on, bro.

Come on, I just want to build motorcycles,

Come on, just tell me what you want from me.

Come on, man!

Come on, man. You got a bunch of shit, man.

Come on, please, please, please! Come sit.

Come on, Rell.

Come on, y'all. Let's go to this party, man.

Come on.

Come on. Drive!

Come on. We gotta get this over with, man.

Cool, yeah.

Cool.

Count of three. We gotta fucking shoot them.

Crazy bitch!

Crimson Tide. Good one.

Cute cat.

Damn straight. Did that, too.

Damn!

Dare.

Deal breaker.

Deal. Why is it a deal?

Deal. Y'all hear that?

Deep breath. Ready?

Did I not mention the whys? The whys, too, motherfucker.

Didn't say goodbye or nothing.

Do it, do it.

Do it. Do it, do it, do it.

Do it. I don't care. I'm not getting into a...

Do it' do it, do it.

Do the honors, dawg.

Do we got a deal or what?

Do you think there's any chance you might find the guys who did this?

Doing an impression of a white guy.

Don't even worry about that.

Don't fuckin' let Anna Faris tear us apart!

Don't kill me. Don't shoot me! I don't want to die.

Don't let white girl tear us apart, Hi C.

Don't make the deal, because we're not those guys.

Don't tell me you just tried to flip,

Don't think too long, kid.

Don't think too long.

Don't turn your back on me.

Don't worry about it, baby.

Don't worry. I'll testify on your behalf.

Drive!

Dude, all you need to remember is...

Dude, look! I get you lost your kitty cat,

Dude, you lost your cat.

Dumb motherfucker.

Even taught my goons some new tricks.

Ever

Every trip is different!

Everybody here seems to like Keanu,

Everybody likes baby kittens.

Everything does happen for a reason.

Everything has a price.

Everything has its price.

Excuse me!

Excuse me. Can I come through here for a second?

Finders keepers, yo.

Fine. I'm fine. Every/thing's fine.

First of all, I don't care

First off, uh, I don't like ****as I don't know.

For instance.

Freeze! Police!

Fuck it! He ain't my friend.

Fuck you, bitch!

Fuck, yeah!

Fuck, yeah!

Fuck, yeah. Let's see what we got here.

Fuck!

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuckin' knew it.

Fucking do it.

Fucking got you, motherfucker!

Gather 'round and whatnot.

Gentlemen, please, why can't we just talk about this?

George Michael is a real ****a, though, right?

George Michael is holding it down.

George Michael.

George.

Ger on your knees Hands behind your head.

Get her! Gel her!

Get her! Yeah!

Get Iglesias.

Get in the back!

Get it, then!

Get my cat.

Get on the ground now!

Get that bitch, Keanu!

Get that bitch!

Get that bitch!

Get the damn cat!

Get the fucking bag!

Get to know each other a little bit better.

Get your seatbelt on, young ladies.

Give me a second before I kill you.

Give me the cat.

Go ahead. Drink some.

Go on ahead, Bud.

Go on, ****a.

Go, go, go.

God damn right, they had him.

God gave you one face. Why would you change it?

God, ow.

Going home, home...

Gonna heat it up. Heat it on up.

Good job today, man. You did really good.

Good.

Good. Let's go.

Gosh, that was so weird, wasn't it?

Got a neat little backpack.

Got a neat little backpack.

Got my trick knee.

Got real close.

Got up in there licketysplit, snip, snip, yeah.

Great. So, no Micah, then?

Great. This is all great. I'm not here for any of that.

Guess you don't know who you messing with

Ha! Can I please see it?

Ha! I'm just fucking with you!

Had a little bit of heft to it.

Hang on, I'm gonna be right there, okay?

Hannah!

Hannah! Baby.

Hannah. A vision, as always.

Has anyone shady come by here in the last couple of days?

Hasn't even been that bad, really.

Have a drink. Sit down!

He ain't want none, did he?

He black, then?

He did n. He flipped n?

He didn't have his own positive male role model in his life.

He does.

He flipped it.

He has a rare disease.

He is not black, and I apologize.

He killed the motherfucker?

He probably tryin' to steal him back.

He serious?

He was gone, too.

He will stab you in the eye.

He's a kitten, you know.

He's gonna be a kitten forever.

He's got Keanu!

He's keepin' his.

He's like one of the family.

He's my kitten, Iglesias.

He's not black. I lied about that.

Hello, Clarence. It's me,

Hello! I'm sorry, Keanu'?

Hello?

Hells bells, hold on to your shells, ****a.

Help!

Here's the deal, man.

Here's the thing, man. I was, like...

Hey, buddy.

Hey, but we're turning it out, man!

Hey, cuz!

Hey, I know you need this back.

Hey, Spencer.

Hey, we're fun dudes. We're friends!

Hey, you know what? I'm gonna swing by right now.

Hey, you know what? Maybe when you get back,

Hey! Fuck. Yo, Hi C!

Hey! If you fucking touch one hair on my cat's head,

Hey! Listen, if you let us go,

Hey! Quit poundin' on the glass.

Hey! Shark!

Hey! You will die!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hi C tells me y'all some bad motherfuckers.

Hi C,

Hi C, what the fuck is this, huh?

Hi C!

Hi C.

Hi, baby.

Hi!

Hi!

Him

His name is Cheddar, and he is a bad motherfucker.

Hmm.

Hmm...

Holding that ****a New Jack as we speak.

Holding up a liquor store.

Holy shit!

Holy shit.

Holy Shit.

Holy shit.

Honey, I'm sorry I can't come with you guys this weekend.

Hot Party Vixens.

How are you? How you doing?

How are you'!

How do you know?

How much you want for him?

How old were you'?

HPV.

Hulka said this is a crazy drug dealer named Cheddar.

Hulka!

Hulka'? ls everything okay?

Hulka's house.

Hundred, 101.

I ain't help you kill them people.

I ain't scared.

I ain't some punk ass bitch who's gonna be intimidated by y'all nerds!

I am doing something that Hannah asked.

I am not breaking the law.

I am so sorry, buddy.

I bet you, out there somewhere

I can see why he did all of that for you.

I can'! get into it right now.

I can't speak to that.

I could tell you like girls.

I dare you

I did not help you.

I did not know that. See?

I didn't tell you about the calendar. Check it.

I didn't want to ruin your weekend.

I didn't...

I do have some news for you, though.

I do it for corporate...

I do not sound like Richard Pryor

I do not sound like Richard Pryor doing an impression of a white guy.

I don? know the man personally.

I don't do team building for drug rings.

I don't drive.

I don't even know how to fuckin' drive!

I don't even know if you remember this.

I don't fucking know how that worked.

I don't know what I'm saying.

I don't know what to tell you, brother.

I don't know,

I don't know, it's a real fucking quandary.

I don't know.

I don't know... Wait, wait, wait. I think we're gonna need more time.

I don't understand. What does that mean?

I fuckin' know everything about hip hop.

I get that.

I got a big exchange tomorrow. I need you.

I got a knock out left hook.

I got an anti sadness strain in here.

I got one, too. Check it out.

I got the low flow toilet to put in.

I got you!

I got you!

I had a fantastic time.

I have a friend. I have a friend.

I have faith.

I heard how it went down at King Diaz's church.

I heard you had a baller crib,

I just didn't think that being in a strip club was your thing.

I just don't understand that at all.

I just want you to do me a little favor this weekend.

I just want you to know

I just was thinking about what's been going on.

I kind of liked Hi C.

I know her well enough to know that she's a woman,

I know you not gay.

I know. And you got him.

I know. Yeah. Oh.

I lost my cat.

I lost my money.

I love you.

I mean, I'm not gonna sell it.

I mean, I'm not saying I roll up, fuckin' with my AK, poppin' fools.

I mean, shit.

I mean, that's what I want, so that's what I'm gonna do.

I mean, we just walked right out of there.

I mean, what the fuck does that even mean?

I mean...

I mean... I talk like that sometimes.

I met you at the club once. Hulka. Hulka.

I might be able to get you visitor passes

I need you to fuck me right now.

I need you. I need you.

I never get to go out. I never go out.

I never had a dissatisfied customer.

I never told y'all ****as how I got this.

I once cut two dicks off.

I said drive, motherfucker!

I said I was gonna take care of you.

I said the count of three.

I said, why are you talking to me like that?

I see. I get it now,

I still gotta get mines, though.

I swear, look.

I think it means cool breeze in Hawaiian.

I think maybe we should go, like, lay down somewhere.

I think that they are going to murder us to death!

I think we need to go to the bathroom real quick

I think we'd prefer to stick to the original arrangement.

I think, in his own way,

I took Keanu to the vet.

I took them, too.

I understand, honey. It's fine.

I wanna give him to my aunt,

I wanna show y'all something. Come on.

I wanna thank you for earlier.

I want you to meet

I wanted to see that movie. Hannah would never go see that with me.

I was just telling these guys

I was just trying to say that, usually in Allentown,

I was thinking I would hold on to the cat.

I will not sell drugs. I can't sell drugs, Rell.

I will shoot you.

I wish that I could be more help.

I would imagine that it's a tough job for a woman to be here.

I'll explain it to you tomorrow.

I'll flip the fuck outta that shit tomorrow.

I'll fuck with him.

I'll fuck with that ****a.

I'll give you New Jack as a gesture of respect.

I'll guide you from there.

I'll let him know you're coming.

I'm about to leave, anyway, so...

I'm Bud.

I'm building a motorcycle.

I'm doing me!

I'm flattered. Thank you.

I'm from Detroit. Detroit public school system.

I'm fuckin' ready, Techtonic.

I'm going, I'm going.

I'm gonna advise that.

I'm gonna let you two talk about that other thing.

I'm gonna need two things, though.

I'm gonna put Keanu in his little nook.

I'm gonna take this moustache and I'm just gonna go like...

I'm gonna take you on a date.

I'm having an amazing time, and these are not bad people.

I'm here because my place got broken into.

I'm here for a very specific reason.

I'm here for you, buddy.

I'm here just to ask you some questions. Like,

I'm Hi C.

I'm just like, where am I?

I'm just messing with you, man.

I'm more one of them pipe smokin' ****as, you know.

I'm not fuckin' around.

I'm not jeopardizing my family by selling drugs, okay?

I'm not saying it's not a good song.

I'm not standing up for them.

I'm not Tech. I'm not Tech. I'm Rell. Clarence.

I'm not your slave.

I'm psyched for this movie, man.

I'm saying we should be listening to this.

I'm saying...

I'm so fucking high right now. I'm not even sure you're real.

I'm sorry, bitch ass ****as?

I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to take that blanket back.

I'm sorry, no.

I'm sorry, sir. I apologize.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I just have a lot of personality.

I'm sure that this Cheddar guy is gonna be reasonable about money.

I'm Techtonic.

I'm Techtonic.

I'm Techtonic.

I'm tellin' ya. Girls, right? Raising girls is the best.

I'm unkillable.

I'm your spirit teacher.

I'm, like, jacked up from that movie!

I'm, uh...

I'ma punch you in the head.

I'ma show these guys how to keep watch.

I've got all that doing me stuff out of the way,

I've never heard you talk to me like that before.

I've starred getting into selling some heavier shit,

If I can get a moment to discuss with my colleague.

If they like Shark Tank more than Techtonic.

If they're not in a closed session!

If you meet a guy named Fluffy Pink Bunny Head,

Iglesias?

Impossible. Guaranteed the guys who kicked my ass

In a sense,

In fact, it's of the strip club variety,

In most burglaries, the guys are never caught.

In samurai times,

Inappropriate?

Inconspicuous, least hardcore,

Is a cross between PCP,

Is our communication skills.

Is that necessary?

Is truth.

Isn't your cat here? We need to get the cat.

It ain't gonna be like you think.

It ain't like my fuckin' lifestyle is some secret.

It can't be that bad if she didn't say.

It does, don't it'? Yeah, yeah. I mean,

It doesn't have to be that hard.

It hurts so bad, you don't even know.

It's Anna Faris, the actress.

It's Anna Faris, the actress.

It's been a long ass time since we heard that.

It's complicated.

It's just I've got all that stuff to do around the house.

It's just milk.

It's just the beginning.

It's kind of like we killed them together.

It's like black Jesus up in here.

It's me. You all right?

It's not about the degrading of women or anything.

It's not turn out, it's turn up“!

It's over.

It's this cat right there!

It's what the kids are doing.

Juan?

Just don't move, all right?

Just find the space. In here!

Just give us a little bit more time.

Just say some... Yeah, dawg?

Just take a little time to think about my offer.

Just...

Keanu Reeves?

Keanu!

Keanu!

Keanu!

Keanu!

Keanu!

Keanu!

Keanu!

Keanu!

Keanu!

Keanu!

Keanu!

Keanu.

Keanu.

Keanu.

Keanu's a cutie.

Kill this motherfucker.

Let me break it down right quick.

Let me show you how we smoke weed in Allentown.

Let me tell you about Allentown standards.

Let's flip the subject and go flip some Holy Shit.

Let's get some tunes goin' in this motherfucker.

Let's go.

Let's just say he made me uncomfortable.

Let's move on. What about you?

Life!

Light this bitch up!

Like Shaq or Steven Seagal.

Like, end his life so the motherfucker expires?

Like, for what?

Listen up, ****as.

Listen, the cops are here now.

Listen' this is life.

Look, come on, man...

Look, Keanu needs you.

Look, take anything. It's all yours, okay'?

Look, there's money. Look at all the drugs around you, man.

Look, you just want to stay in there, okay?

LOOK.

Lord save me now, please!

Los Phantomas?

Lost in Translation?

Love that man.

Luis'?

Maisie broke up with me.

Make sure you got your keys.

Man, fuck!

Man, George Michael the shit, man!

Man, the Blips.

Man.

Maybe it's someone that you're selling all of this marijuana to.

Maybe Keanu will come back, or maybe he'll...

Maybe we didn't wanna be seent.

Maybe we should go somewhere.

Maybe you'll like being a bad motherfucker.

Maybe, just maybe,

MDMA and DMT.

Me?

Mmm hmm.

Mmm hmm.

Mmm hmm.

Mmm hmm. Mmm hmm.

Mmm hmm. Okay.

Mmm hmm. You wanna... I go first.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm. But I couldn't have done it without you.

Mmm...

Mmm...

Mom, not now!

More than they like Techtonic!

Most fucked up?

Motherfucker!

Motherfuckin' soccer mom, Full House thing.

Moustache in here... I'm gonna put my 'stache

Move it!

Move!

Moved you in The House Bunny, by the way.

My man.

My name is Shark Tank.

My name is Shark Tank.

My weed dealer.

N word. Went straight to the N word.

Nah, actually, it made the news,

Nah, I think it's more like you murdered them on your own.

Nah, man.

Nah, ****a.

Nah!

Nah.

Nah.

Nah.

Nah.

Nah. Fuck that. You comin' with.

Nah. I don't fuck with that Holy Shit.

Nala.

****a, ****a...

****a...

****as gonna stop thinkin' they own bitches?

****as is in here caking and shit.

****as, this is George Michael, right here.

No fuckin' way these guys could be the Phantomas, man.

No more Hollywood talk. I'm so sick of this bullshit.

No problem.

No stupid ass ****a in his right mind

No, don't shut that door. No, no, no.

No, I can't do it.

No, I wouldn't want to exploit Keanu's cuteness like that.

No, I'm not here for weed, man.

No, it is not in my experience.

No, no, no, please!

No, no, no, you need a bath.

No, no, no!

No, no, no!

No, no, no!

No, no, no! Not Grandmaster. Not Grandmaster, please!

No, no, no.

No, no, no. There's no way, sir.

No, no, no. We're here, we're here, you're good.

No, no, please don?!

No, no. Look, you got all this money around, man.

No, no. Not like that. Come on, just...

No, not the fucking knife.

No, Rell! Whoa!

No, Rell. Hannah would...

No, this was a bad idea.

No, you're not rolling up,

No!

No!

No!

No! Come on! I didn't do shit!

No! No, it was not us.

No! Please!

No! What is that one'?

No?

No? How about now, ****a?

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. No Micah this weekend.

No. No top secret missions goin' on.

No. No. I...

Nope, Clarence.

Not 5. Too old.

Not 5. Too old.

Not good.

Not really.

Not that you can't,

Nothing makes sense anymore.

Now drop your weapons!

Now we all know things about each other.

Now, I know y'all ain't gonna turn down 20 G's.

Now, I know you don't want to hear this right now,

Now, we'll talk about it later.

Now! On your knees!

NYC, baby.

Of course he has a nook. Everyone has a nook.

Of course you're alive.

Oh, and my cat, New Jack?

Oh, boy. Okay. All right.

Oh, buddy, I'm sorry.

Oh, damn!

Oh, damn.

Oh, dear. Okay.

Oh, finally!

Oh, fuck, man. I'm sorry, bro.

Oh, fuck! Look out!

Oh, fuck.

Oh, God, I didn't want this.

Oh, God!

Oh, God. Oh... Huh?

Oh, he has a nook?

Oh, honey, let me get her for you. Belle!

Oh, honey.

Oh, I miss you so much, baby.

Oh, it's so good.

Oh, let me get a picture...

Oh, look who's up from their nap.

Oh, man, that suck a thick donkey ball.

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

Oh, my God, Rell! What are you doing?

Oh, my God, yes!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Are those tiny penises?

Oh, my God. I think this is working.

Oh, my gosh, you're right.

Oh, my gosh!

Oh, my gosh. You're alive, man.

Oh, no, I can't. There's no way I can spin.

Oh, no.

Oh, Rell!

Oh, shit, you serious?

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit! Don't kill me!

Oh, shit! You fucking crazy?

Oh, shit. Somebody's getting an ass whippin'.

Oh, snap. ls it raining?

Oh, thank God.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, thanks, man.

Oh, that was amazing.

Oh, there it goes!

Oh, this is fuckin'...

Oh, this is fucking gross!

Oh, um...

Oh, well, he ain't for sale.

Oh, well, thank you.

Oh, well, unfortunately, my beautiful bride sends her apologies.

Oh, yeah. Look, bro.

Oh, yep .

Oh, yes, I am a fuckin' cop.

Oh, you fuck!

Oh, you gay

Oh, you know what?

Oh, you're so hungry.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Okay. Well...

Oh. Right.

Oh...

Oh...

Oh...

Oh...

Oh...

Oh... Uh...

Oh... You in that movie?

Okay

Okay, 10 G's plus New Jack.

Okay, great. If that's what you want, then...

Okay, here he is.

Okay, I see.

Okay, okay! Dude's at a strip club called Hot Party Vixens.

Okay, okay.

Okay, ready?

Okay, today's the day where I'm gonna be doin' all the flips.

Okay, we just murdered those people.

Okay, yeah.

Okay, yeah. Let's see that.

Okay, yes, yes.

Okay, you know what, Shark Tank?

Okay, you know, you need to spend a little less time with your family.

Okay, your tum, same question.

Okay? But this dude, their leader,

Okay? Hey, y'all like weed?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Hey, buddy.

Okay. I see what's going on.

Okay. I'm good. I'm good.

Okay. Let's do this. Let's hold this shit down, guys.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Whatever.

Okay. See, there's a problem with that,

Okay. So...

Okay. Stay in the car!

Okay. They're drug dealers, and I get all of that...

Okay. We got this.

Okay. We'll just have a couple more drinks,

Okay. Yes. We gotcha!

Okay...

On the ground?

On the ground. Get on the ground!

On your knees!

On, hey, hey, hey!

On, my God! I just did a flip. Oh, my God!

On, snap!

ON.!

One beer, please.

One of them was long, thin, pointy, like a pencil.

One puff of this, and holy shit!

Only he's flippin' today.

Only I'm flippin' today, y'all.

Only you ain't heard of it yet because it's new.

Ooh!

Ooh. Backpack. Backpack.

Ooh. I like the sound of that.

Ooh. it's gonna be delicious.

Ooh... Shark...

Or dare.

Or else Allentown ****as get cranky.

Our daughters just can't get enough of each other, huh?

Ow, ow, ow!

Pablo!

Parker. Trina Parker.

People can't be excellent to you

Please, Lord, let those be fingers.

Please, no!

Please, no. Look, I'll go away. I'll go away, please!

Please, please. No, don't hurt him. Please.

Please! What do you want from us?

Put your hands up.

Put your weapon down.

Putting them down. Putting the guns down.

R's not over.

Rachel, get the bag.

Rachel, get the bag.

Rell, Rell! Look, look!

Rell, Rell.

Rell, what does that mean?

Rell, you can't drive!

Rell!

Rell.

Rell... No! Why!

Rell'?

Rell'?

Rell's cousin! Fuck!

Right in there. I'm just gonna...

Right now. Stay in the car.

Right now. Turn around.

Right to jail.

Right, yeah, of course. I'm sorry.

Right?

Right? Oh, I stand corrected! No, no, no!

Right. Got it. Absolutely. What do you mean?

Right. On.

Scary Movie 1, 2, 3 and 4.

Scary Movie?

Second, I'm real curious

See, now that's promising.

See, you're talking about explaining the situation.

Seems to me,

Seen

Shark Tank and I, we getting a little sleepy.

Shark Tank, can I catch your ear for a second?

Shark Tank! Come here!

Shark Tank.

Shark, you better hurry up!

She can't make it this weekend.

She said my life wasn't going anywhere.

She wouldn't tell me, man. She hung up!

She's got food poisoning.

She's just found your manuscript and you're ferocious with that.

Shit got crazy back there, huh?

Shit was crazy, shit was crazy.

Shit, don't break the goddamn van.

Shit, ****as!

Shit!

Shit!

Shit!

Shit.

Shit.

Show me your hands now!

Show them.

Shut the fuck up, ****a.

Sir, I'm begging you, please.

Sleepy?

Smokin' crack with God.

Snuck up on them.

So next time we tell y'all we did somethin',

So she can have something to remember my cousin by.

So we can agree on that, right, guys?

So who the fuck are you ****as?

So you make sure you listen to every word they say

So, I give you this one.

So, if y'all so fuckin' real,

So, it was them'?

So, let me tell you how it's gonna go down.

So, let's knock this job out real quick.

So, seriously, what's gonna happen now

So, that's me.

So, that's non negotiable.

So, the reason I'm here...

So, there will be no rolling up with AK's or anything else.

So, uh, maybe y'all can accompany these fools on a run.

So, uh, maybe y'all can accompany these fools on a run.

So, uh...

So, what'? You're so hardcore,

So, yeah, I'm a motherfuckin' dick taker.

So, you're at a strip club having rugged fun.

So, you're gonna stay right there. Yeah.

So?

So.

So...

Some people don't respect the game.

Somebody order some drugs?

Something, man. Tunes, man, yeah.

Sorry, we just want to see the money.

Spencer was inappropriate how?

Stitches did share something about hisself.

Stitches,

Stitches!

Stitches.

Stop walking!

Straight up.

Sup, Cheddar? Finally.

Sup, sup?

Surely should have been.

Take care of each other.

Take care.

Take our word that we did somethin'.

Take pimpin' upstairs to the office for me.

Take the soul out of his body'?

Take this ****a out.

Tell me about it, man. Was it crazy?

Tell me about it.

Tell me!

Thai is, like, the best Liam Neeson's movie I've ever seen in my life.

Thank you for sharing your time.

Thank you so much, sir. Thank you. Yeah.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, Shark Tank.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Thank you. Thanks.

Thanks for sharing, brother.

Thanks for watching him.

That cat just was found on his doorstep.

That cat's name is Keanu.

That felt good.

That fuckin' hurts!

That is a hurtful lie!

That is the kind of shit you should get paid for.

That just worked.

That kicked your ass, motherfucker.

That makes sense.

That means I'm standing up for Hannah and Belle,

That other thing?

That Spencer's been a little inappropriate,

That thing. That leg thing. That's my jam.

That was amazing! Movie of the year!

That was before we even knew if it was real or not.

That was efficient as fuck. Um...

That was so fuckin' badass!

That would love to walk in this room and put a bullet hole in old Cheddar.

That'?

That's $10,000.

That's a lot of money even by Allentown standards, right?

That's a nice piece.

That's awful, man.

That's because...

That's crazy that you say that,

That's good, because now,

That's it. I like when you do that...

That's just a ****a in the trunk, man.

That's Montana.

That's my baby, Iglesias. No, no.

That's my boy, right there. He know how to do it right.

That's my cousin's cat.

That's my wife, though. That was a love pound.

That's okay. That's okay.

That's the backbone of our teamwork.

That's the cutest cat I've ever seen in my life.

That's them?

That's them.

That's too bad. It's too bad. But, uh...

That's unfortunate.

That's weird.

That's what I'm talking about.

That's what you're gonna do to me.

That's whose apartment that Trunk and Bud stole the cat from.

The 17th Street Blips. Okay, where are they?

The Allentown ****as.

The Blips.

The Blips'?

The calendar?

The cat? The cat...

The cat's at Hot Party Vixens. You know, that strip club downtown.

The female lion in The Lion King.

The fuck is this'?

The fuck is wrong with you?

The fuck?

The man asked for the money.

The Matrix.

The one I would never give up to two ****as like y'all?

The one where he died.

The other one was short, girthy.

The whole fuckin' time.

Then get my back.

Then nobody never see Ridgeley ever again.

Then we are going to explain the situation.

There.

There's a non gangster motherfucker

There's consequences to your actions

There's consequences to your actions.

These are good. You take these?

These are the guys that were kicked out of the Bloods and the Crips.

These drinks are for my marriage.

These guys don't usually take pets.

These ****as not strapped.

They did tell me, you know,

They didn't even see it coming.

They gonna break in and fuck my shit up.

They gonna shadow you.

They got Keanu.

They take this kind of stuff seriously.

They took him?

They're communicating.

They're like shadows, man.

They're like the boogeyman and shit, you know?

They're murderers!

They're profession at.

Think about, dig in to yourselves, into your souls.

This dude cheated on my sister and I cut his dick off.

This is fuckin' black on black violence. This is how it happens.

This is the perfect sativa dominant hybrid strain.

This is what you asked for, right'?

This is what you said you wanted, right?

This motherfucker trying to side wind us.

This movie's in about 20 minutes.

This my shit right here!

This ****a acting like

This ****a right here? He stole your cat.

This sucks.

This the last clay this motherfucker's alive, man.

This the real OG up in here.

This was your idea.

This your shit'?

This...

Thought I made myself clear.

Time is good.

To a meeting of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee

To be continued, y'all.

To see a man's brains explode.

To shoot your friend.

To sit at a man's court

Trina Parker.

Trunk is a better name than Dead Body.

Truth or dare!

Truth or dare'?

Truth.

Turf becomes a thing. You know?

Two things about yourself'?

Uh, Cheddar.

Uh, goodbye, Keanu.

Uh, say goodbye.

Uh, where's Micah?

Uh... Kitty, kitty!

Um...

Unbelievable. What...

Unless you're being excellent to yourself.

Usually they're after drugs or something they can sell for drugs.

Video games?

Wait a minute.

Wait till y'all hear this next track, though, dirt.

Wait, what's wrong?

Wait, where are you?

Wait.

Wait...

Was considered a profound insult to his honor.

Was it really like the word on the street?

Was it...

Watch and learn.

Watch the door. Keanu!

We about to be out this motherfucker.

We ain't trying to die today.

We alternate flip days.

We be putting ****as in this trunk all the time.

We can see that new Shailene Woodley movie, huh?

We do, too. We like Keanu as well.

We don't even have to change our voice or anything.

We don't need time. We need...

We gonna go in a circle, first of all,

We got it all on lock. I'm good to go, drawg.

We gotta catch some Z's,

We handle our business a little bit more professionally.

We hire celebrities all the time to help us with cases.

We just feed them some bullshit about New Jack City,

We just got your cat back for you.

We just want the cat.

We killed 25 dudes this month, man.

We killed them together.

We need some time. You need some time.

We need to talk about a few things before you go.

We still got this party shit

We was just dodging bullets on a everyday basis.

We was tryin' to stay incognito.

We will fire these guns and shoot bullets into your body.

We'll figure something out in the morning.

We'll take some. You take some.

We're going downstairs in a second.

We're gonna go home.

We're gonna take our cat, and we're gonna be on our way!

We're not interested.

We've killed people!

Well played, yep. That's what we should do. Mmm hmm.

Well, anything better than being shot, you heard?

Well, Cheddar wants to holla at you.

Well, I beg to differ, ****a.

Well, I mean... Well, um...

Well, I was staying in character.

Well, I was staying in character.

Well, I'm not like that.

Well, legally speaking,

Well, look here, Techtonic and Shark Tank.

Well, she kind of liked you, loo.

Well, show us.

Well, this was a fuckin' mess.

Well, you know,

Well, you know, actually, though, um...

Well, you know, them family reunions gel crazy sometimes, man.

Well...

Well... Ow.

Were twice as big and scary as the guys who kicked your ass.

What about you?

What are you doing?

What are you doing? No.

What are you doing? You all right?

What are you, Daniel Day Lewis all of a sudden? Come on, man!

What game?

What happened? Why?

What is

What is that?

What is that?

What makes you think I can't handle my business?

What the fuck are you doing, Tech?

What the fuck is this?

What the fuck is wrong with you'?

What the fuck is wrong with you'?

What the fuck is y'all singing?

What the fuck?

What was the word on the streets?

What went down with my wisdom teeth.

What you think?

What you're Soaking at

What?

What?

What? No. I'm just outwith Rell.

What? Yo.

What'?

What'?

What'?

What'?

What'?

What'?

What'?

What'd you think my idea of fun was, right?

What's going on, motherfuckers?

What's that'?

What's that'?

What's up?

What's! they get'?

Whatever, Clarence. Whatever.

When a ****a make a deal,

Where are you going'?

Where did all these eels come from?

Where we goin' again?

Where you go from there is a choice I leave to you.

Where, yeah, the dudes that kicked my ass...

Where'd he go?

Where'd you get him?

Where's Belle'?

Which Rocky?

Who are the players and who are the pieces?

Who are you to give me this advice? Are you bad?

Who is Hulka?

Who the fuck are these ****as?

Who the fuck are we'?

Who the fuck aren't we?

Who the fuck is...

Who the fuck taught you how to drive, you bad driving bitch?

Who? Who?

Who's going home?

Whoa!

Whoa! All right!

Whoa. Wait a minute.

Whoa...

Why ain't I never seent you before?

Why are we going through red lights? I'm sorry! Sorry!

Why are you talking to me like that'?

Why did I grab a stick shift?

Why didn't y'all say something earlier, man?

Why don't we go ahead and finish this downstairs?

Why don't y'all come over here, have a seat so we can talk'?

Why don't you search 'em, Bud?

Why is everybody being hasty?

Why is your door open?

Why we?

Why we? No, you did it!

Why would you choose dare'?

Why would you have to do something like this?

Why you think I'm gay, though?

Whys.

Will love it. Hannah will love it.

Word to Big Bird I'm eight, dawg. Blam!

Word, uh...

Wordness to the turdness.

Would let a cat like that go willy nilly.

Wound up? How am I wound up?

Wow, you're working again.

Wow!

Wow.

Wow. But, unfortunately, we

Y'all ain't from fuckin' Allentown.

Y'all ain't gonna see him flip today.

Y'all don't even want to hear about

Y'all drive a hard ass bargain.

Y'all gonna take us to Cheddar,

Y'all hear the father figure part, right?

Y'all talk too damn much.

Y'all them Allentown ****as, ain't you'!

Yeah, get that bitch!

Yeah, go ahead, Techtonic.

Yeah, I got your De La now, bitch.

Yeah, I mean, we've been looking forward to this, dawg. Ha ha!

Yeah, I'm good.

Yeah, I've seen people get killed before,

Yeah, motherfucker!

Yeah, ****a. Yeah.

Yeah, poor thing. She was up all night just projectile vomiting.

Yeah, thank you for sharing, though.

Yeah, that's rig ht.

Yeah, that's right! You a fuckin' nerd!

Yeah, we in the right place, ****a!

Yeah, we taught them how we do things in Allentown.

Yeah, Well, um...

Yeah, well, you know,

Yeah, well, you know... Shit. I mean...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. All right. Okay.

Yeah. Go on.

Yeah. I mean, it was.

Yeah. I'm good.

Yeah. No, it's not like that.

Yeah. Or maybe it was somebody who thought they were breaking into your house?

Yeah. Well, I...

Yeah. You know what'?

Yep. They the ones that killed your cousin.

Yes, motherfucker, on the ground.

Yes, that's good. Yes, thank you, thank you!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes! Finally.

Yes! Oh, my God!

Yes.

Yo, Cheddar.

Yo, I almost forgot.

Yo, I never knew my daddy.

Yo, ii wasn't my place! It was their place!

Yo, kill it! Kill it!

Yo, ****a, you aight'?

Yo, ****a, you floatin'!

Yo, Shark Tank, my ****a. Um...

Yo, that chorus do kick in nice, though.

Yo, this party is crazy!

Yo, you all right?

Yo!

You aight'?

You ain't gonna hit nobody.

You ain't never seen nobody get killed before?

You better behave yourself, too. Bye.

You bring me a couple of bitch ass ****as as a joke, right?

You broke my nose!

You can't talk like that here.

You comin'?

You could make a bundle on this.

You did that on your own.

You do anything stupid, and you're fuckin' dead.

You do it here. We'll do it over here.

You do that,

You don't get to say, Roll on, po po like that

You don't know my wife very well.

You don't need to...

You don't think that going and seeing a Liam Neeson's movie with me right now

You don't wanna mess with him.

You don't want to get mixed up with a dude like me.

You drive a inconspicuous family vehicle.

You ever think about gettin' out the game?

You feel me?

You gonna give us our goddamn cat,

You good, though?

You good?

You got a fuckin nother gun in your ass?

You got it, brother. That's all the skin you get.

You got me on that one.

You got this.

You gotta keep 'em on their toes!

You guys, don't kill me.

You have been very productive.

You have something else planned for the rest of the weekend?

You have to get the last one.

You in Bliptown now,

You in the right place, ****a?

You jokin'.

You just drank it 'cause I drank it.

You know I just wanted my cat back.

You know she's jokin', right?

You know this chick'?

You know what I'm saying?

You know what? I get it.

You know, he light skinned.

You know, I got a lot of enemies

You know, I run a professional business here.

You know, it's not so bad, yeah.

You know, just for survival.

You know, just side bitch.

You know, man, that's how we do.

You know, show 'em how y'all get down over in Allentown.

You know, there might be a chance.

You know, uh...

You know, um,

You know, we gots to do, how we do.

You know, you don't have to

You know?

You know. I'll spare you the gritty details.

You listen to me. You don't shush me.

You live across the way from your weed dealer?

You look kind of like

You looking out, and that's why I respect you, Cheddar.

You lost your cat.

You need help?

You ****as in the right place'?

You one considerate motherfucker.

You only name yourself something adorable if you can back it up.

You ready to go, Keanu?

You ready, Shark Tan k?

You say a pipe?

You sound like John Ritter all the time.

You sound like Richard Pryor doing an impression of a white guy.

You spend so much time trying to be the person

You think if I get out the game,

You think we don't mean business?

You understand? People understand the historical significance of that word,

You wanna get caught, go ahead, drive a little drug car.

You want some, dawg'?

You was kind of close.

You were the one that wanted to come here, man.

You, uh...

You'll get it next time, boss.

You're a cutie.

You're coming with me.

You're George Michael, man.

You're George Michael.

You're just mad because they like Shark Tank

You're just, like, afraid of a little rain?

You're more than welcome, ****a.

You're not getting away from me!

You're not hearing me. You're not hearing me.

You're not?

You're right, Clarence.

You're under arrest.

Your appendix?

Your girl know what's up.

Your little area while I'm gone. Is that cool?

Your turn, my ****a!

Your turn, ****a.

Yup. Hey, but, look,

17th Street.

20.

300 for the dick taker.

All right, settle down. Settle down. Whoo!

And have a good time. We will.

and she said that Spencer did something. What?

Are you at a club? Yeah.

Best Liam Neeson's movie ever. Hands down.

But, see' that's what I'm saying. No, no, no.

Clarence, we gotta do it! I cannot do it!

Come on. Yeah, let's come on, then.

Ever hear of corporate crime? That's not...

Fine. So... Guaranteed.

Get the damn cat! Fuck!

Give him some of that catnip he like. Mmm hmm.

Give me the cat. No! Keanu!

goin' on later or what? Yeah.

He's Shark... The king pimp himself.

Hell, yeah. So, what you got?

Hello. Sup'?

Here it is. You ain't gotta be modest.

Hey, baby. Hello, how do you do?

Hey, hey, y'all. If he start that shit.

Hey! Hey, hey!

Hey. Thank you.

Hey. Here we go. Thanks.

Hmm? Show us!

Holy shit! Holy shit!

Honey! You punched him in the face! Yeah.

I can get my bills done. Hey. Hey.

I can't find Keanu! Keanu! Shit!

I do what I can, dirt. Just do it!

I don't think that's a thing. That's a thing.

I know because I named him. And has been his for months.

I know you got some killer shit. Actually, no, we...

I once shot two dudes with one bullet. Blam.

I said the count of three. I heard you say...

I tell ya, yeah. Yeah.

I think we'd all like to see that. Um...

I'll be right back. Okay, Stitches.

I'll see you soon. Okay. Good.

I'll shoot you! Oh, fuck!

I'm a cop! Get on the ground!

I'm a cop! Hands up!

In the mansion, earlier... Yeah, yeah.

It happens to the best of us, dawg. With a dead body.

It's called Walking on Sunshine. No, no. I don't care.

It's fine. Okay. Well, yeah.

It's not how people talk. Please, please, you're wrong.

Keanu! Keanu!

Let me see 'em! Now!

Let's go. Come on! Yeah!

Let's take care of that. Exactly.

Like a run, run? Yeah.

Maybe you'll like it. What'?

Me? Oh, okay, let me, um... Yeah, yeah.

Mmm hmm. Yeah.

My bad. She got ya. She got ya.

New Jack here is yours. Um...

Nice! Thank you.

No way. Guaranteed.

No, no They're very, very bad.

No, no, no. No, what?

No, no, no. Yeah.

No, you're right. Good eye.

No. Why would this be working?

No. Yeah.

Now let's see you do it. Yeah.

Oh, really'? Yeah, ****a.

Oh, shit. What?

Oh, shit. The little guy? Yeah.

Oh, Stitches! No, no.

Oh, yeah? Hold up. Yeah.

Oh! And more.

Oh! Are you trying to die today?

Oh! It's for personal use only. And family.

Okay, look... No.

Okay? Yeah.

Okay? Yeah.

Okay. Ow. I'm shot in the leg. Ow!

Okay'? I can't talk like what?

Psst. Tell her, man. ****a...

Ready? Yeah.

Really? No.

Really? Yeah, and I'm a Leo.

Rell. You're doing good work.

Right, dawg? Right on, man.

See about it, then. What?

See, you just grooved on it. I'm not saying...

so I'm wondering... It's all right.

So, Allentown... What? ****a, fuck, what? ****a.

So, my name is Rell. And I am Clarence.

Sorry about that. Yeah.

Thank you, man. Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you, man. Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you. Oh...

Thank you. Appreciate it.

Thanks for the gun. I really appreciate it.

That's his cat. And his name is Keanu.

That's my cousin! I got him!

That's okay. All rig ht. Okay.

The flip, hmm? Yeah.

Them's some pipes. Right.

There we go. There. Let's do it, kids.

There you go. That's what happened.

They like Keanu. That's good.

They took it out of my body. What?

They're just pictures. Keep them.

This is December. December'?

Wait, no. Stay in the car! Why? What's going on?

We ain't got no guns. That's why.

We did not have him. No.

We should go. We should go. Ah...

Well, this is amazing. Thanks.

Well... Oh

What about Anna Faris? Well, she's still alive.

What are you doing? What am I doing?

What, no! I didn't shoot anybody.

What? Sorry'?

What? Us? Uh, no.

What? What?

What? No! Come on, man! Kill him?

What? That is me doing me. No.

which you, as a grown man, do not have. Fair enough.

White? White'? Yeah.

Why are you doing this'? Buddy...

Y'all ready? Yeah.

Yeah, pop the collar. Uh...

Yeah. All I care about

Yeah. I want you to try and relax.

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah, at least 100.

Yes, Techtonic. Yeah, what?

Yes! Yes! Get him off me!

Yo, Shark Tank! Yeah, dawg?

You come here! Fuck!

You did'? Yeah.

You feel me? Yeah.

You know what? Mmm.

you think everyone wants you to be. Okay.

You... Nerds...

You're good at it. What?

Your house! My house?

! get ii.

.Hey Hey

.Okay Yep

' Nah!

'cause you flopped, stupid!