MacGruber (2010) Edit

A great sense of style.

A love that forgives in times of anger.

A love that heals in times of sickness.

A love that loves in times of love.

A piece of cloth, a spool, a tennis ball...

About letting Piper here join you?

After Casey, I made a promise to myself...

Agree to disagree, Jim.

Ah! MacGruber.

Aim for a person! Oh! Good call, good call. Okay.

Alive after all these years.

All of it was what not to do...

All right, Vick, it's go time.

All right, we got a nuclear warhead to... Holy shit!

All right. Before we start, there's something I need to say here.

All right. Don't worry, gang.

Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

Am I?

And a major political donor.

And a whole lot of brotherhood.

And do you, MacGruber, take Casey Janine Fitzpatrick...

And do you, MacGruber, take Casey Janine Fitzpatrick...

And do you, MacGruber...

And give you the good news.

And good for fans of justice and truth.

And guess who just made the guest list.

And he took that from me.

And Homey don't play like that.

And Hoss Bender the other day.

And I also had some homemade C 4.

And I am with my brother from another mother...

And I applied that to throat rips.

And I blew it.

And I can't do a goddamn thing about it!

And I can't wait. You know why?

And I don't want to attract attention.

And I lost them all.

And I need to apologize for something.

And I peed my jeans.

And I rip throats.

And I thank you for that.

And I think it will be received loud and clear.

And I'm at the counter...

And I'm not used to feeling that way.

And I've never felt that way about a bone session before.

And if I'm not mistaken, which I never am...

And if you don't tell me who this is...

And it's broken, and I'm really fucking bummed about it.

And it's not so bad?

And l have no choice but to take you off this mission.

And l'm not good with clues.

And my gut tells me he's gonna use it soon.

And no, you can't ride in the trunk, bud!

And nobody's gonna regret that more than Cunth.

And nothing bad has ever happened.

And now we have a chance to get revenge.

And of course, in this line of business, anything can happen.

And right about that time...

And seeing what happens.

And she agreed.

And shove it in your mouth!

And starting tight end for the University of Texas, El Paso.

And stay away from that guy...

And thanks.

And that is a huge advantage to us.

And that is another order.

And that is non negotiable. Who's first?

And that's not a game I plan on losing. Let's go.

And that's when we got them.

And then I told her, ''Not for long,'' and then we rammed.

And then I've got a big pile of money to count.

And then knee your nose into your brain, killing you instantly.

And then we'll just...

And then, l'm going to watch some TV.

And they see that it's not me...

And this guy's that good?

And this is a fucking asshole of a day.

And this time, it's for real.

And three is a crowd, that's true.

And we could use all the help we can get.

And we will be there with bells on.

And whatever you do, just keep shooting.

And why do I have to be you?

And without a team behind you...

And wouldn't you know it, it exploded.

And you had just ripped a dude's throat out with your bare hands.

And you, Vicki, are the cheese.

And you're going to make them pay dearly for it.

And your prize will be getting blown to smithereens...

And, look...

And, you know...

And, you know...

Another beer, Grubes?

Any time, any place.

Anyone else feel like being honest?

Anyone up for a little trim?

Anyway, shortly thereafter...

Are we done here?

Are we... No, we're not done here!

Are you kidding me? Look at all this crap.

Are you sure this is gonna work?

Are you willing to quit your job for him?

Asshole.

Awesome! Check this out.

Awesome. Got another throat rip in.

Back to Ecuador.

Be with Vicki.

Because he thought you were dead.

Because l basically did the same thing...

Because l'm not a fucking retard who blows up his own dudes.

Because of your use of heavy language.

Because people are gonna be staring at me and thinking that l'm talking to myself.

Because sticking a piece of fucking celery up your ass...

Because you just used me as a human shield!

Because you're good at what you do.

Because you're on that team.

Because, Lieutenant, we need the best.

Because...

Because...

Because...

Been there.

Being with you the last few days...

Believe it or not, we were very close friends.

Besides, he would've done the exact same thing to me if he had the chance.

Bet's to you, Senator Garver.

Both of you guys have just done a great job.

Boys.

Bravo, MacGruber!

Breaking your jaw in four places.

Bring him in.

But be on the lookout for one large brown egg.

But first, there's something I've been wanting...

But four is the perfect number for sure.

But he has the passcodes now!

But I also have one of the greatest young military minds around.

But I am definitely going to kill that guy with the pony...

But I can't do that to you.

But I can't say the same about the rest of you!

But I saw it with my own eyes.

But I've already got other plans.

But if anything goes down, we'll be right there.

But if ripping throats gets that warhead back...

But if you go thin end first...

But it was fucking great.

But l can very confidently tell you...

But l know that Vicki can take care of herself.

But most of you are big pieces of shit...

But she's still in his heart, God rest her soul.

But that's an important part of the learning process.

But the game has changed!

But the players are the same!

But there will be more inside.

But there's a nuclear threat going on...

But we lost the trail before we could pin any hard evidence on him.

But you gotta believe me! This has been a big misunderstanding...

But you weren't.

But you're the one he wants to come after.

But, trust me, there's nothing to Garver.

Buy the passcodes! Yup.

By MacGruber in front of my daughter and all my guests.

By the way, does anyone know how he got in?

Bye, Piper! Get home safe!

Bye.

Call 911! Call 911!

Call it a control room, we are going to destroy you.

Call tracer.

Call.

Can I borrow your gun? I need something to stir this with.

Can I get a large Tazo tea?

Can I get your name?

Can I have a small latte?

Can I help you?

Can we talk about this, please?

Capital M A C capital G R U B E R!

Carrying the X 5 nuclear warhead got jacked.

Casey was a very lucky woman to have a guy like you.

Casey!

Casey?

Checking out all the cute guys at the party, Vicki...

Classic MacGruber.

Colonel, with all due respect...

Colonel!

Come and get it.

Come inside. Let me get that bullet out of you.

Come inside. Let me get that bullet out of you.

Come on, MacGruber.

Come on, MacGruber.

Come on, man. You can see it from a mile away.

Come on, Piper. Come on, MacGruber.

Coming at you, Grubes!

Constantine, would you be a lamb and take these two...

Cool.

Cunth killed your wife?

Cunth owns this place,

Cunth, one more thing.

Cunth, you gotta believe me, I didn't write that.

Cunth.

Cunth. What did you do with Vicki?

Cunth's having a fundraising event at his mansion tonight.

Damn it, Jim. You can't do that. Okay?

Damn it!

Did I remember to tell you how ugly l think you are?

Did you just kick my car? Oh, no, you don't.

Dieter, wait!

Dixon Piper, Vicki St. Elmo.

Do I really have to do this?

Do not underestimate this man.

Do you understand me?

Do you want to bite down on this?

Do you want to save Vicki?

Do you, Vicki Gloria St. Elmo...

Don't do it for yourself. Do it for your family.

Don't fucking do it, Cunth! Don't do it!

Don't say that.

Don't worry, l'm gonna keep a real low profile.

Don't worry, this is nothing like Nicaragua.

Don't worry.

Don't worry. I've done this before.

Don't worry. She's with me. She's safe.

Down, now.

Everybody knows that rats like cheese.

Everybody makes mistakes.

Everything Piper just said is correct.

Ew! No.

Fine.

Fine. Look, I don't think I should be talking to you anymore...

Fingers crossed.

First l'm gonna kick you in the chin...

First of all, great party.

First of all, I'd like to thank you for that upper decker you left me.

First of all, you will never be me. And second of all...

First, I got a little business to attend to.

Five, four, three, two, one, zero.

For her getting blown up at their wedding.

Frank Korver, Tanker Lutz, Tut Beemer, Tug Phelps, Vernon Freedom, moi.

Fuck the brass!

Fuck the brass!

Fuck the brass!

Fuck the brass! Let's go, man.

Fuck you, asshole!

Fuck you, Cunth.

Fuck you, Cunth.

Fuck you, dude!

Fuck you!

Further. Further... Stop! Stop!

Game's over, gentlemen.

Getting in and out of ultra sticky situations.

Give this a shot.

Go for Grubes.

Go tell Vicki how you feel about her.

God damn it, Miller.

Good job.

Good looking, rocking bod...

Good news?

Good night, Senator.

Got there at the same time...

Great, hang that in the foyer and go kill MacGruber.

Great.

Great. Can't wait to hear it. Practiced it in a mirror. It is ready to go.

Gross.

Guess who just made the guest list.

Guess who's in your stupid compound.

Guns are for the weak. Guns are for the stupid.

Hand me that lncredi Mop, and that is an order!

Hang tight.

He appears to be in the south wing.

He asked me to be his best man...

He didn't die. But he could have.

He doesn't know anything. Come on.

He has an appointment this afternoon, and all it says is STD.

He has an appointment this afternoon, and all it says is STD.

He hung up. Did you get it?

He killed my wife.

He made a fucking movie.

He walked in the front door, sir.

He walked in the front door.

He was going to use it to buy the pass...

He was.

He'd make a hell of an asset.

He'll be your second in command on this thing.

He'll get close to her, possibly dangerously close.

He's become a respected businessman...

He's been dead for 10 years.

He's bluffing.

He's got every strip club in the city in his GPS.

He's married?

He's not involved.

He's taken.

He's teeming with intel.

He's untouchable.

Hello, Colonel.

Hello, MacGruber.

Hello, MacGruber.

Hello.

Here he is, ladies and gentlemen,

Hey, Cunth, suck your own dick.

Hey, Cunth.

Hey, guys, guys. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. Cool it.

Hey, guys?

Hey, hey! Shit! He'll give it back.

Hey, what the fuck?

Hey.

Hi.

Hi.

Hmm.

Holy shit! It's ringing! Vicki, call tracer.

Hope you enjoy being date ****d, ma'am.

How could you do this?

How did you find me?

How did you know I was wearing a bulletproof vest?

How do you make money killing millions of innocent people?

How's your nose, rookie?

Hurry up, MacGruber!

I always get an erection...

I am so sorry.

I am trying to help here!

I appreciate your honesty.

I asked her to terminate it, obviously...

I bet there was some kind of a clue in there.

I better get you sewn up.

I can tell by the look in his beady little eyes.

I can't do that.

I can't help but feel that l've betrayed you.

I can't stop thinking about that envelope that Senator Garver got.

I can't.

I deserve pain.

I did, too.

I did, too.

I didn't finish my sentence, Dieter.

I didn't.

I do wanna get throat rip in here.

I do.

I do.

I do.

I don't fucking believe it.

I don't have him, sir.

I don't know how many people you're planning on killing...

I don't know how. Okay?

I don't know what happened back there.

I don't know what he's gonna do...

I don't know what I'm doing and everybody hates me!

I don't know what l'm doing! I'm so fucked here!

I don't know what to say.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't know!

I don't want to use the F word...

I expected no less from a washout like you.

I felt comfortable enough around...

I forget your question.

I forget. The last time I saw you...

I got a better idea.

I got him exactly where I want him.

I got it.

I got shot in Nicaragua.

I gotta admit, that sort of worked.

I gotta admit...

I guess l just felt threatened by you, believe it or not.

I had assembled the greatest dream team of thugs...

I have a better idea.

I have a feeling in my gut.

I have to go.

I have to go.

I have to say, I have some serious concerns about this operation.

I have to...

I heard about what happened.

I hope there's something good on.

I imagined there'd be a more complicated explanation than that.

I just can't chance it.

I just freaked out.

I just hope he doesn't blame himself...

I just want you to look good in your coffin.

I just wanted to say that it's been really good...

I killed them. I killed them all!

I kind of make it up as I go.

I knew the whole time, yeah.

I know what you're planning, you frigging turd.

I know.

I like holes.

I lost my best friend that day.

I lost the money.

I love you.

I mean, I only have, like, two of these vests...

I mean, I'm sorry. As me, I'm sorry.

I mean, look, don't get me wrong. She's a good woman.

I mean, they're not expensive.

I mean, this guy's the real deal.

I mean, yeah, but l know you're not into it, so.. .

I might have cut back on the F words a little.

I need you, Frank. It's serious.

I never said it was nuclear.

I particularly enjoyed being humiliated...

I peed them.

I saw him coming out of Cunth's office.

I seriously doubt it.

I shot.

I should have been in that van.

I somehow stumbled on her cell phone.

I specifically told you not to go in there.

I started banging her and mowing her box.

I think he's one of his goons.

I think I actually got him, but you're doing a great job.

I think it's fairly obvious.

I think l've given more than enough to my country already.

I think that you would admit that we make...

I think that's gonna be you, small fry.

I think you're looking in the mirror. You want to go?

I thought he was bluffing there, so...

I thought it'd be fine if he got them.

I thought you could use some help.

I told you, I do not use guns.

I treated you so badly.

I understand. Or at least I think I do.

I want my mommy!

I want to be there when you take Cunth down.

I want to know exactly who comes through that door.

I was actually talking to the Colonel. Colonel?

I was talking to the missile.

I washed it.

I will be at the Gold Street Cafe tomorrow at 2:00 p.m.

I will do it, just join my team.

I will let you fuck me.

I will suck your fucking dick.

I will.

I wish it was through the head.

I'll do it. I'll kill her. I will snap her neck.

I'll let you take this one, Vick.

I'll look at you and... Yeah, you'll know.

I'll suck as many dicks as it...

I'll suck your dick.

I'll touch him wherever l want.

I'm a little busy at the moment!

I'm a virgin.

I'm alive and I'm putting together a team.

I'm all about the large Tazo tea.

I'm all ears.

I'm all in.

I'm being framed by somebody. I don't know who it is...

I'm doing it for all the innocent people out there...

I'm fucking MacGruber.

I'm going to fill you up.

I'm going to fill you up.

I'm going to fucking shoot.

I'm going to need you to poke around, see what you can dig up.

I'm going to shoot.

I'm going to spill it.

I'm going to watch me kill him...

I'm gonna cut off your dick and...

I'm gonna go save the world.

I'm gonna go use the ladies' room.

I'm gonna shoot, too.

I'm in.

I'm in.

I'm just going to pop that into this GPS.

I'm kind of glad you're still alive.

I'm MacGruber. Hey, I'm gonna go pound some Cunth.

I'm more like a three wire guy.

I'm never, ever gonna do that.

I'm not doing this for you.

I'm not going to use a gun! Why?

I'm not so sure that it would be.

I'm not sure I can do this.

I'm not... I'm not sorry.

I'm out of the game.

I'm putting together a team.

I'm really sorry, sweetie. l'm so sorry.

I'm saying I don't use guns.

I'm so fucking stupid!

I'm so sorry, Casey.

I'm so sorry, Vicki.

I'm sorry, Grubes.

I'm sorry, I don't understand what you're saying.

I'm sorry, I must have heard wrong.

I'm sorry, Jim. I had no choice.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I didn't know.

I'm sorry. Sorry. Can l change that?

I'm starting to like this guy.

I'm still alive.

I'm sure that some of you guys are just here on vay cay.

I'm the best chance you got.

I'm the one that's framing you. Me.

I'm told the President is about to enter the chamber.

I'm way ahead of you.

I've been in this situation before...

I've learned a lot.

If it's any consolation...

If it's two kids and me...

If there's anyone to blame here, it's me.

If you change your mind.

If you change your mind...

If you don't, I'll smash it...

If you think he's so handsome, go marry him.

If you think that I would let that monster Cunth...

In front of a mirror.

In here...

In the history of the world.

Into a million, trillion little pieces.

Is everything on schedule?

Is he that handsome to you?

Is in control of a nuclear warhead...

Is it?

Is that an invitation?

Is that clear?

Is that Cunth needs passcodes to make the X 5 operational.

Is the ''amount of your own dick in your mouth'' record.

It can wait.

It doesn't matter.

It just slides right out and you're...

It was a real rookie maneuver.

It was blown up in the explosion.

It was Chechen rebels.

It was good to see you, Vicki.

It was never proven in a court of law...

It would be a real bummer for me.

It's a good line.

It's a veritable dream team of killers.

It's a warhead, MacGruber. You can defuse it, right?

It's beautiful, honey.

It's called sending a message.

It's cute that you're still thinking about that, Vicki.

It's fine. I just banged it into a giant vagina.

It's fun to hear them. That's why I say them.

It's fun to say them.

It's gonna be $3.45.

It's just I've noticed you say that line all the time.

It's just that their kids were there.

It's me, MacGruber!

It's not about Casey. It's about a promise I made to myself.

It's not so bad.

It's nothing. MacGruber, you've been shot!

It's okay, MacGruber.

It's okay.

It's over.

It's the Chinese.

It's time to go pound some Cunth.

It's time to round up a real team.

Jeff, there's no need to apologize.

Jesus Christ, MacGruber.

Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ.

Jesus.

Jim, you can't do this.

Jim! Jim! Cunth is gonna nuke the State of the Union!

Join my new team, and tell the Colonel I can do this.

Just give me one good reason, Vick.

Just go to a beach somewhere...

Just kidding. I still hate you.

Just lick it up. Back on the air, fuckface!

Just like old times!

Just point at something in the room and I'll fuck it for you.

Just tell me what you want me to fuck.

K F B R 3 9 2. K F B R 3 9 2. K F B R 3 9 2.

Kick off your boots and drink a few Molsons.

Kill him.

Kill you right in front of him, and then...

Kneel.

L didn't think you used a gun.

L'm a man of peace. This is my home, these are my people.

Launch commencing in 20 seconds.

Launch commencing in two minutes.

Leave it open.

Leave the case. Piper and I will do it. Okay?

Let me ask you a question.

Let me do this!

Let me guess.

Let me tell you how this is gonna go down.

Let's get something straight.

Let's get that out of the way.

Let's just put this back in, shall we?

Let's move!

Let's move.

Let's see, we got Molsons...

Let's see, what do we got in here?

Let's shoot together.

Lieutenant Dixon Piper.

Lieutenant Piper here is one of the best men we have.

Lieutenant, give us a minute, will you?

Lieutenant?

Lieutenant.

Listen to me, Cunth.

Listen to me, you piece of shit. Hoss and Zeke are...

Listen, Mac...

Little punk thinks his shit don't stink.

Load it up.

Look at this wire. Where does this go?

Look, I just wanted to apologize

Look, I will suck your dick.

Look, I'm freaking out here.

Look, if you care at all about Vicki's cell phone...

Look, Jim, this has gotta be some kind of distraction...

Look, l'm taking you off the case.

Look, Mac, are you sure you won't change your mind...

Look, MacGruber. Two days ago, a Russian convoy...

Look, Vick...

Look, you're gonna be fine.

Looks like 11, 12 that l can see.

Looks like this cell phone's all we got.

Looks like you do, MacGruber.

Looks like you do.

Loud and.

Mac, if this is about Casey, she...

Mac, you're our only hope.

Mac, you've turned into a liability.

Mac.

Mac. lt's not that easy.

MacGruber was right.

MacGruber would never order that.

MacGruber, about that.

MacGruber, can you do this or not?

MacGruber, come in.

MacGruber, I know I'm not what you expected.

MacGruber, I was so worried about you.

MacGruber, I'm watching Senator Garver talk to Constantine Bach.

MacGruber, it's Faith.

MacGruber, MacGruber.

MacGruber, the X 5 is one of the most powerful nuclear...

MacGruber, we have a chopper waiting to take you...

MacGruber, what the hell was that?

MacGruber, your toilet is disgusting.

MacGruber!

MacGruber!

MacGruber! Wait!

MacGruber?

MacGruber?

MacGruber.

MacGruber.

MacGruber.

MacGruber.

MacGruber.

MacGruber.

MacGruber. I thought you were dead.

MacGruber. Thank God.

MacGruber. We've been expecting you.

MacGrubie don't play like Homey.

Machine room! Go!

Making a homemade grenade!

Making a little distraction.

Man, I thought you were dead.

Maybe even slightly before you.

Maybe l've lost it.

Maybe one day...

Maybe you've heard of her?

Maybe.

Maybe.

Might be a little different.

Miller, are you there?

Miller, do you copy?

Must have been really hard.

My family?

My fricking nose!

My fucking back.

My God, l'm gonna frigging explode inside you.

My life is here now. Everything I care about is in these walls.

My name is MacGruber.

My teammates were getting shot.

Never ever say, Never ever.

Never ever say, Never ever. Okay, follow me.

Nice car, dickhead!

Nice gun butt.

Nice try.

No fucking way.

No offense.

No real threat.

No, good for us. And good for America.

No, he wouldn't have. He would've shot you, not...

No, I cannot defuse your missile. But I can do this.

No, I want your throat to stay right where it is

No, I wasn't.

No, it didn't.

No, just let him pass.

No, Mac. You are not to enter that party.

No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no!

No, no, no.

No, of course I knew.

No, say you're not sorry.

No, seriously.

No, seriously. You two are perfect for each other.

No, sir, but that never happened.

No, sir, I haven't.

No, sir, I haven't.

No, thank you. For trying to save my life.

No, this time I can.

No, Vicki, don't.

No, Vicki, don't.

No, Vicki, no tip. What are you doing? Get that tip back.

No, we're certain it's Cunth.

No, what?

No, you didn't. Well, I think you're really ugly.

No, you don't! Real mature!

No, you have nothing to be sorry about.

No!

No!

No!

No! A nuclear warhead's...

No! I'm using it! Use your finger!

No! Oh, my God! No!

No.

No.

No. I cannot defuse this missile.

No. What are you doing?

No. Why?

Nope. There were tons of spots closer.

Not according to your manifesto.

Not everything, Colonel.

Not for long.

Not me.

Not only do I have Vicki St. Elmo...

Not quite the same without its thermonuclear core.

Nothing bad has happened yet.

Now go, MacGruber.

Now just walk on in here, and, I don't know...

Now let's see what happens.

Now remember, MacGruber...

Now that's the guy I want you to check out.

Now, do me a favor. Take some time off.

Now, here is the most important thing. Listen carefully.

Now, I know MacGruber's after you.

Now, I'm not gonna lie to you, Mac.

Now, if you'll excuse me...

Now, look. Even though there are only two of us here in this,

Now, Mac, one thing we have working in our favor...

Now, this guy is up to something incredibly illegal and astoundingly deadly.

Now!

Now! Now! Now!

Number none of your business.

Number one or number two?

Of course, it's going to be awfully hard to fly it without...

Of killer stoppers.

Oh, and Casey?

Oh, fuck!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, God! Oh, no! Oh, my God.

Oh, God. Colonel Faith knows all about this, and he is going to...

Oh, good. I love disaster movies.

Oh, hold on! Don't worry, I got this one.

Oh, I can go...

Oh, I haven't seen her.

Oh, I would love to, but the van's pretty full.

Oh, I'll touch him, rookie.

Oh, I'm not doing it. You are.

Oh, I'm terrified.

Oh, it's not?

Oh, look at me!

Oh, my God, is he dead?

Oh, my God! It's me. I'm writing it.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. I thought we were goners.

Oh, no, wait. That didn't happen to me...

Oh, really. That's too bad.

Oh, somebody's gotta be in there!

Oh, thanks. Because before you said something...

Oh, that's right. You got me. Past tense. They were...

Oh, they're jazzed. How's everything at the P Gon?

Oh, Vicki.

Oh, well, I'm glad that you're having so much fun

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah? Where might that be?

Oh, yeah. You ready?

Oh, you do? Well, then, I guess you'll see.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! I got a barrel!

Oh! See, in about four minutes...

Oh.

Okay, can we get on with your deaths now?

Okay, don't make me beg here.

Okay, good.

Okay, I don't have any lubricant. Do you see any Wite Out?

Okay, I rounded up this wrench...

Okay, I'm walking.

Okay, now head through the entrance, slowly.

Okay, now why don't you move down to the end of the counter?

Okay, now, before we do this, any questions?

Okay, now, piece of advice.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, okay. Okay, here goes.

Okay, okay. So what do l do?

Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, l'm not good with plans.

Okay, so once we take out the guards...

Okay, you got me. About 20 blocks.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Just let me do the talking. Sorry.

Okay. Okay.

On my way.

Once again, I win. You lose.

One of us should probably finish him off.

One second, Grubes.

One year out of the academy, zero combat experience...

Ooh.

Open it.

Open your lips, then tilt the cup back

Or maybe the Colonel was right.

Or the water ambush?

Or, like, copy toner should work, or...

Otherwise things are going to get real smelly here later on.

Piper, there's a big difference between winging it...

Piper, those pliers.

Piper, toss me that copper wire.

Piper, you got a location on Cunth?

Piper!

Piper! No!

Piper.

Please spread the word, ya frigging turds.

Positively banging, Colonel. Right, guys?

Pretty cool, right? Bet you weren't expecting that.

Pretty damn good adversaries.

Pretty good idea, huh?

Pull over and let me out.

Pull over.

Put her there, Grubes.

Put your pants back on. What are you doing?

Really? How were they?

Really? Well, if you think he's so handsome...

Really? Yeah.

Regarding that, Mac...

Remember, they think you're Hoss Bender...

Revenge? It's Cunth.

Right again, Cunth.

Right now, Cunth has no idea you're even alive...

Right, Vicki?

Rip as many throats as I have to.

Round up a couple of flyswatters.

Said his name was MacGruber.

Same old Frank. Always wants to go it alone.

Screw you, Cunth!

Second chance! In your face!

Seems counter intuitive...

Senator, tell me again where you got this intel.

Set to jet, MacGruber.

Seven blocks?

Seven Presidential Medals of Bravery...

She left him for me.

She was actually carrying his child at the time.

She was actually the first person...

Shh! Shh.

Shh.

Shit!

Shit!

Shit! You're right. Shit, shit, shit!

Shit. l gotta go deal with the brass.

Shoes.

Shoot!

Shove it in my mouth. You're like a broken record.

Shut up!

Shut your butt!

Since we had intercourse last night...

Sir, I still don't understand why we had...

Sir, I'm not gonna wear bells.

Sir.

Smooth dresser, talented lyricist.

So anyways, come on over to the control room.

So can you please get out here?

So Cunth is gonna come after me? Well, bring it on.

So he can use the X 5.

So if either of them got shot up...

So if we wanna find out where that passcode deal is going down...

So in a way, you are doing it for me.

So it's gonna take them a little while to...

So it's true what they say about you.

So just gonna order now.

So we could start fresh.

So what do we know so far?

So when are you gonna make your move?

So you could use it to fuck butts.

So, Cunth is having a party?

So, looks like you're keeping your bod pretty tight.

So, MacGruber, we understand you've recruited quite a team.

So, my face is a vagina, huh?

So, two orders.

Some lunatic smashed up the club last night.

Something like that. K F B R 3 9 2.

Songs for My Gruber.

Sorry about last night.

Sorry to bother you, sir, but... Colonel?

Sorry to disturb you, Dr. Cunth.

Sorry, I don't speak Russian.

Sorry, I just took an upper decker in the master bathroom.

Sorry, sir.

Sorry, sir.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sort of worked? I just killed three bad guys.

Stay low! Stay low!

STD is also code for the old Stansfield rail yard...

Stick it where the sun don't shine, Dieter.

Straight flush. Damn it!

Sure, to us, he's a black market arms dealer. But to everyone else...

Sure. Anything else?

Take MacGruber to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Take MacGruber to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Take Vicki Gloria St. Elmo to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Tell me, why didn't you ever settle down?

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six,

Thank you, Colonel.

Thank you, MacGruber.

Thank you?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks for being there, dude.

Thanks for doing this, Pi.

Thanks.

Thanks.

That briefcase carrying pile of shit has the passcodes.

That guy? You think he's handsome?

That guy.

That handsome guy.

That I would never be with another woman.

That is going to buy us some serious time.

That l personally packed in there with my own two...

That means number two.

That Russian special forces have recovered the X 5.

That Vicki and I will never ever be like that.

That was 20. That was maybe three.

That was a close one.

That was a long time ago.

That was beautiful, Vicki.

That was nice work with that lncredi Mop.

That's a pretty gross way to look at it.

That's a whole lot of wampum.

That's a whole lot of wampum.

That's all you do, is talk.

That's Constantine Bach and Zeke Pleshette.

That's exactly what I said.

That's great!

That's me.

That's my car!

That's my phone. Talk to me.

That's not my problem anymore.

That's not my problem anymore.

That's not really a plan, then.

That's really fucked up.

That's right, because most warheads are filled with air.

That's sick.

That's what I'm worried about.

The answer is no.

The guy's a fucking genius.

The man who killed my wife...

The President of the United States.

The Senator's all in for $750,000.

The sushi, excellent.

The turkey?

The X 5 is now in the possession of Dieter Von Cunth.

Theirs is a love that knows no bounds.

Then after graduation, he got engaged to her.

Then don't say anything.

Then I'm in.

Then it's three on three.

Then let's get to it.

Then we better make the most of it.

Then why don't you marry him?

Then why isn't he on active duty?

Then you're sorely mistaken.

There's still enough ammonium nitrate left in that warhead...

There's, like, a bunch of green.

There's, like, a million wires in here.

They actually thought he was mentally handicapped.

They are gonna be so furious...

They didn't feel he posed any real threat.

They laughed.

They were nice funerals.

They're dead because I shot them.

Thirty two seconds!

This is gonna sting a little.

This is just like Nicaragua.

This is my daughter.

This is so exciting.

This is surveillance only.

This is weird.

This is your chance to finally take him down.

This looks like the main duct.

This mission was my chance to do...

This will be one of the most anticipated State of the Unions in history.

Throat lozenges?

Time to go pound some Cunth.

Time to go pound some Cunth.

To be your lawfully wedded wife?

To be your lawfully wedded wife?

To blow up the White House and Congress, combined.

To come all the way out here.

To do for a long time.

To let eat out my butt.

To mix it up with you.

To this day, I have no idea.

Tonight!

Touch one hair on Vicki's head...

Turn off the music!

Turn off the music.

Two is a wonderful number.

Two minutes, MacGruber!

Two, three!

Uh oh! l know that look.

Uh...

Uh... Let's see, how do I put this?

Uh... Someone pays me to do it.

Um... MacGruber.

Understood. So what would you like us to do?

Up your butthole?

Upper decker?

Very touching.

Vicki will walk in dressed as Hoss...

Vicki, did I just use him as a human shield?

Vicki, I have been doing so much thinking

Vicki, l just got thrown out of the party.

Vicki, make me the happiest man on the face of the Earth.

Vicki, that ball bearing.

Vicki, Vicki, Vicki.

Vicki, where are you?

Vicki!

Vicki! Get behind him!

Vicki?

Vicki?

Vicki? Oh, my God! You're alive?

Vicki.

Vicki.

Vicki's cell phone is Vicki, right?

Wait, so we're just gonna wing it?

Wait, wait, wait! I didn't mean that. I didn't mean that.

Watch your tone!

Water under the bridge.

We don't want to attract any more attention.

We got company.

We got company.

We gotta make a run for that door.

We gotta turn over some stones.

We just received intel

We made a pretty substantial Costco run.

We need a new point of entry.

We should be right underneath the control room.

We think Cunth smuggled the X 5 into the US...

We were so in love.

We'll be waiting, and we have a little surprise for you.

We're about to have some more.

We're all done here.

We're gonna die! We're gonna die!

We're gonna go on the count of three...

We're only seven blocks away, so if anything goes down...

We're running out of time!

Weak!

Well, Colonel, I'm sorry I let you down.

Well, every day's a workout...

Well, fuck 'em.

Well, get used to it, 'cause that's my main move.

Well, I bet you wish your nose was a dick...

Well, I hate you. You want to go?

Well, I hope they got a ditch dug out back for all the bodies.

Well, I owed you one.

Well, I was really worried about you, too, Vick.

Well, I'm sure you'll find something useful to do with it.

Well, it's simple, Vicki.

Well, just to let you know...

Well, my life is just as at stake.

Well, then, I'll just have to put together my own dream team...

Well, then, if you'll excuse me...

Well, there's nothing to talk about.

Well, they were fucking great guys.

Well, under the circumstances...

Well, we better scoot. We do have a wedding to plan.

Well, we do have one lead.

Well, we have a lot in common

Well, well, well.

Well, what do you know? It's already routed.

Well, you're a very special woman, too.

Well, you're gonna walk around like a little girl.

Well...

What about your music?

What are the chances?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you talking about?

What are you... Let me do this. What are you...

What do you mean?

What do you say we go get ourselves some passcodes?

What do you want, MacGruber?

What does that.. . There's a green one.

What I am good with is kicking ass and ripping throats.

What is it?

What the fuck is this?

What the fuck? Where is it?

What the hell is that?

What the hell?

What was that? Didn't quite catch that.

What, is MacGruber gonna rip my throat out?

What, you didn't know?

What?

What?

What?

What? I'm going to fill you up!

What? What are you talking about?

What's the mission status?

What's wrong, MacGruber?

What's wrong?

When a beautiful woman uses a pair of pliers near my balls.

When I cut off your dick and shove it in your mouth.

When you turn around at gunpoint...

When you use the old celery trick...

Where have you been?

Where's the Colonel?

Where's the fucking warhead?

Where's the X 5?

Where's Vicki?

Which guy?

Which is about 10 miles from here.

Which one, the desecration of the corpse...

While I have a little fun with MacGruber, here?

Who am I, you ask?

Who I actually would describe as ugly.

Who said Hoss isn't gonna show up?

Whoa! Son of a bitch!

Whoo! Whoo!

Whose lives are at stake.

Why do I have to be Hoss?

Why do you stick around?

With all this money?

With over a hundred years of combined combat experience...

With your left hand, lift the cup up to your mouth.

Wonderful. Beautiful.

Word on the street is Cunth's put together a team...

Would you show Mr. MacGruber the door?

Wow, we had some good times together, didn't we?

Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow!

Wow.

Wow. I didn't expect that. Thanks, MacGruber.

Wow. Wow. Wow.

Yeah, and now he's going to be coming for us.

Yeah, as clean as a pig dick.

Yeah, but if Hoss doesn't show up, they'll abort the drop.

Yeah, he is.

Yeah, he's very handsome.

Yeah, I heard it, Vicki! Jesus, nag, nag, nag!

Yeah, I know what the X 5 is.

Yeah, I'd say it's a pretty good team.

Yeah, it's a bowling term for when you get three strikes in a row.

Yeah, it's really quite a sad story, actually.

Yeah, it's too bad for you. 'Cause they were a part...

Yeah, it's where you take a dump in the water tank and not in the bowl.

Yeah, pop it in.

Yeah, sounds really special. Thanks.

Yeah, that was really disgusting.

Yeah, we're alive. We're coming over there. Meet us out in the alley.

Yeah, with meters.

Yeah, you kind of did.

Yeah, you'll hear it. You'll know.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. But you gotta keep them on the phone for at least 20 seconds.

Yeah. He's that good.

Yeah. I know good lines. I'm really good with them.

Yeah. Sorry.

Yeah. What did you think of my eulogies?

Yep, he's gonna use it to buy the passcodes.

Yes, it is. That's what it is every time I get it.

Yes, Mr. President.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. We should have the passcodes by Tuesday.

Yes, sir. Well, we got MacGruber on this team right in front of us.

Yes!

Yes! I porked Casey's ghost last night. We can talk about that later.

Yes! Yes, he's dead!

Yes! Yes, yes, yes!

Yes.

Yes.

Yesterday, reliable sources informed us it made its way to US soil.

You are shitting me!

You blame the government for the death of Casey...

You can fuck me or get fucked by me.

You can watch me fuck something.

You did not just do that. That is a Blaupunkt!

You do?

You forget l taught you everything you know.

You go. You go.

You got it, MacGruber.

You gotta help me. They want to kick me off the mission.

You gotta keep him on the line long enough to get a location.

You guys hungry? You want a potsticker, a Molson?

You have to move on with your life.

You just look really pretty.

You just made me a teeny weeny bit wealthier than I already am.

You know it!

You know it.

You know, I ran into Zeke Pleshette

You know, see what happens.

You know, you make fun of this stuff, but trust me...

You let him go?

You look great.

You make me sick.

You owe me a Blaupunkt!

You point it and you shoot it.

You probably already know about it.

You really want that throat rip, don't you?

You scared me!

You see that guy over there?

You see, I can't say who 'cause that would be gossiping.

You see, it's filled with American heroes

You son of a bitch! You'll never get away with this.

You suck, MacGruber!

You think? Where's Vicki?

You told me yourself at the monastery.

You were amazing.

You what? Yeah, I humped her.

You'll get the courage to tell him how you feel.

You're an amazing man.

You're being too hard on yourself.

You're going to want to take the whole box.

You're gonna wanna go with the thick end.

You're gorgeous, you have a perfect body.

You're looking pretty good yourself.

You're lying. And you're a piece of shit.

You're right, you're right. Okay.

You're shitting me. You're shitting me!

You're smart and brave.

You're too close.

You're wasting your time.

You're wearing a bulletproof vest? Awesome!

Your butt?

Your car stereo?

Your companion's a very beautiful young woman.

Your manifesto.

Your shit does stink.

Your trampy, backstabbing wife.

Zeke! Hurry the fuck up!

Are you okay? Yeah, I'm okay.

But they're really hard to find. Yeah, I got it.

But three do. Vicki?

Colonel Faith? He's dead.

Colonel! How's it going?

Did you hear that? No.

Fuck you, dickhead! All right.

I did not! No, I didn't! Yes, you did!

I got thrown through a window. Shh.

Join my team. What?

May I take your coat? No.

No, thanks. What?

No. Good.

No. Wow.

Pull over! Fine.

Really? Yeah.

Sorry about that. Really.

Us? Yes.

Vicki wrote that. Hmm.

What? Nothing.

Where are the guns? Shh. Shh.

You ready? Wait.

''Allegedly. I should say that for legal purposes.

''MacGruber, about that.

''Sorry'' is not going to keep us safe from this goddamn warhead!

'Cause after I disarm this nuke...

'Cause at this point, this is our only connection to the X 5.

'cause I don't want to diminish its beauty in any way.

'Cause I thought I just heard you say...

'Cause I will do it.

'Cause I'm going to watch him watch me

'Cause the trunk is filled with over 75 pounds of homemade C 4 explosive...

'Cause then he'll be on my turf, playing my game.

'Cause there's something I've been wanting to say to you for a long, long time.