Whiskey Tango Foxtrot (2016) Edit

A British fighter bomber last week

A bucket of cold water, i suppose.

A dowel,

A lot of women find me very charming, Kim.

A nation accustomed to war

A seven, a six or seven in New York?

A what?

A whorehouse. You're going to love it.

About some bloody wild goose chase in the tribals.

Actually, I told geri that I want New York or D.C.

Actually, I tried to go back

Actually, Kim means who in turkish.

Actually, not bad.

Afghanis is the currency.

Afghanistan should definitely be on our air more.

Again, this incredible footage

Ah, here she is! How are you, Kim?

Ah, snow's killing us.

Ah! Goddamn it.

Ah! It's so pretty, i don't even want to vote.

All men must shave the hair of their pubis.

All right, the Chinese mining concession...

All right, well, come talk to me in two months

All right. Okay.

All right. Uh... dang it!

Also short Brian's dead.

Also, the women, obviously, they don't want the men

Also, they're boarding already.

Although, donkeys aside, he's a good fixer. Mmm.

Although, sir, you would look spectacular

American troops, Chinese gold. Oh, iain, that's really good.

American version of this conversation.

American white lady story I've ever heard.

An addict always needs a greater and greater dosage.

And

And absolutely feel free to say no. Yeah, sure.

And Afghanistan should be on our air more, period.

And as the drums of war

And as we watch it again there, Susanna,

And either way, the show is full tonight.

And even though, as we saw firsthand,

And he got his legs blown off.

And I also give this message to president Hamid karzai:

And I am just...

And I am warning you now, do not sleep with iain.

And I burst into Jerry's office? How about that?

And I end up in prison.

And I guess now I'm a war reporter.

And I have gone backwards.

And I have gone backwards.

And I notice this

And I realize that it's from where my bike used to be.

And I'm black.

And I'm gonna fuck a Scottish guy and write a book.

And I'm not allowed to talk to the women.

And I'm wondering if you could give me something, on background,

And just one bag,

And Kim Baker.

And listen, in three months...

And mentioned it to know why the only good story to come

And no one will sue if I die

And nothing symbolizes that effort more than this place,

And noting as such...

And now Andy lost an eye and jaweed is dead.

And shag strangers in restaurant bathrooms.

And sometimes at night we shoot the big gun,

And that's it.

And that's not a term of affection.

And that's what this job does to all of us.

And the British empire. Yeah.

And the encouragement of virtue

And the engineer's yelling, i got pig iron, i got pig iron?

And the kabubble is well established.

And the state of the war in general.

And the Taliban, they wouldn't have even been there for ubl

And then next time congress votes on a Pentagon budget

And then people make mistakes, people get hurt.

And then there will be some talking, you know.

And then we can make it an even three.

And then we'll go meet some friends in wazir akbar Khan.

And there was a firebombing there the other day.

And there's this pesky little 10% line item for the marines,

And they just prop one up and throw rocks at it.

And today felt like jumping out of an airplane.

And we would wonder how the arm got broken to begin with.

And we're clear. Back in 40.

And we're here to help.

And Wells. Uh...

And what's best for the network.

And when they're back stateside, they become fours again.

And why not?

And you and your crew are clear to tag along.

And you are fucking single, all right?

And you folks here are all the unmarried,

And, hell, you know, if bin laden's parents

And, hey, what, i forgive you!

And, I mean, no offense, but they're all, like,

Andy's in surgery.

Any of them ever get better?

Anything else I'm forgetting? I think that's it.

Anyway, welcome to the fun house.

Are happy about our presence here?

Are reporting high voter turnout,

Are you asking me not to sleep with your soldiers?

Are you familiar with the term four ten four, miss Baker?

Are you fucking crazy, Kim? Please.

Are you fucking mental?

Are you guys getting outside the wire much?

Are you mental? Okay, mate...

Are you okay, ma'am?

Are you saying I'm a four?

Are you shitting me?

Are you still in touch with that isi guy

As far as I understand,

As I said, we could have done this over the phone.

As journalists, we have an obligation to this story.

At a party where alcohol was served.

At least if I'm a fucking woman,

At medical school. I was a doctor.

At the end of that, right? Nope.

Attacks against coalition forces are up,

Aw, your friend is me.

Aye, thank you.

Aye.

Aye. Listen...

Badakhshan, that will keep

Bahzo! There's a bahzo here!

Beat ever louder in Iraq,

Beautiful, mysterious Ikea bags, okay?

Bebakhshid, fahim.

Because

Because Afghanistan doesn't rate anymore.

Because I have to go home.

Because I stole a bottle of sake

Because I think there's plenty of good work

Because I want to get out of Kabul.

Because if I hadn't come back to see you lot

Because it wasn't a bang bang, it was about women's rights.

Because mid coitus you tried to call Tanya

Because of the singer.

Because the fucking pass is still snowed in.

Because the network gave me money.

Because you were in a contract negotiation?

Because you were in a contract negotiation?

Because you're on the hourly plan now.

Because you're what, i mean, you're like,

Because your ministry for the prevention of vice

Become tens when they ship out

Before he takes it all away, and I

Bitch, we are going out tonight! Whoo!

Borderline ten.

Bounce out of Afghanistan

Brian hooper. Tall Brian.

Brian. Huh?

But

But a powerful man such as yourself must actually know something.

But even the army wouldn't take me.

But I didn't think the Attorney General

But I do not know you.

But I'm not exactly a war zone virgin, you know?

But it's worth it to talk to you two ladies.

But make sure you pack extra socks and knickers.

But she has been a bad friend lately.

But that's really above and beyond.

But the dolphins never hurt anyone.

But the problem is, as much as everyone loves the troops,

But they want to walk to the river.

But this Internet connection is the worst!

But we urinate, doctor. Out of our vaginas.

But what?

But when I get back maybe...

But you let this relationship wither and die!

But you probably didn't see that.

But you write news copy.

But, you know, I was... I was in the...

But, you know, it's quiet here. Jesus!

By all means, yeah.

Bye. Bye.

Bye. Okay. Okay.

Call to let me know that you've received this message.

Can any of you geniuses tell me the kelley blue book value

Can get addicted to this type of high.

Can I ask a favor, Kim?

Can I fuck your security guys?

Can I take your bag?

Can this half assed country not even do kidnapping right?

Can you fucking believe it?

Can you see... I don't... hello?

Cannot go back to sitting at a goddamn desk. I can't.

Carrying a hair of the pubis dowel?

Cease laser. Safe laser.

Champagne?

Cheers.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Chow and protection, that's all you can accept?

Chris can suck a fat one.

Christ, man, we've both fucking made mistakes!

Chronicles a decade spent working

Clear copy, miss Baker?

Colonel hollanek is coming to Norton tomorrow

Colonel, the Afghan national army missed

Combat photographer, iain mackelpie.

Come back and we'll get kinetic.

Come on, iain, it's not his fault.

Come on, just put everything in your mouth.

Come on, let's go! Get this shit together! We gotta move!

Come on, she just told her unibrow story.

Come on.

Come to New York and get it.

Coming up, a look at the war on terror

Congratulations on your promotion,

Contact left! Stay in the vehicle!

Copy that.

Copy that. Good.

Corporal coughlin told me earlier that he is still not planning

Coughlin? Yes. What?

Coughlin. I didn't recognize you.

Could you just... State your name and rank?

Couldn't one of you just be Brian?

Cunt.

Despite Taliban threats, election observers

Did he say what he wanted?

Did I not wear a headscarf? Where's my phone?

Did these phones just go down or did that fucker hang up on me?

Did you fucking sucker punch me?

Did you go to the tribals

Did you go to the tribals

Didn't we come this way?

Do I hear swearing over there?

Do I look like a man to walk the streets

Do what?

Do you have a special friend?

Do you have any other connections

Do you have one of those weird little penises?

Do you remember this video?

Do you remember your first embed?

Do you think so? Really?

Do you think the war in Iraq has affected your resources here?

Do you want me to go?

Dolphins? What a joke.

Domestic reportage.

Don't fucking hide.

Don't mix those two up. Got it.

Don't remember me like that. No.

Don't you think that would be great for the corps, sir?

Don't you think?

Ducky, I'm sorry. I fucked up.

Dude, I'm not stealing your job, okay?

Dude, what the fuck?

Eat scrambled eggs off each other?

Enjoy the ride, ma'am.

Especially in cities.

Even nic? You don't want nic for yourself?

Even though you have been a bad friend,

Everybody get the fuck out!

Everybody was drawings.

Excused. Good night.

Execute the radios and televisions.

Fahim, what does the graffiti say?

Fahim, what's going on up there?

Fahim?

Fahim.

Fahim. The police are giving me shit for parking here.

Fair enough. Didn't think of that.

Fine. Forget it. I'll hold it. Women are tough, right?

Finish this,

Fire!

Firstly, I'm afraid of boyfriends. Mmm hmm.

Fix it.

Following a fatal traffic accident involving a coalition truck,

For a very special friend.

For those of you who are behind the scenes, there are

Friday is the only day off in the islamic week.

From a Japanese travel writer...

From an animal that hasn't hurt anyone.

From London, I'll be joined by award winning

Fu...

Fuck off. Ugh.

Fuck this! All of it!

Fuck, man, I don't know.

Fuck!

Fuck.

Fuck. I am...

Fucking carpet anymore.

Fucking hands out of your pockets!

Fucking not as interesting as it got

Fun mistake where one of us had an orgasm.

Funny.

G'day, qadar.

General, excuse me. Hey. General, do you have a minute?

Geri doesn't like me that much. But she does like me now,

Geri...

Get back in the car!

Get down behind the engine block!

Get in the car!

Get out of here!

Get out of the way!

Get out!

Give me a break, man.

Go back to wapping.

Go on in, Kim. Jerry's expecting you.

Go where, dude? It's Saturday.

Goatees and fat strong.

God, I thought you got shot at a wedding or something.

God! Just please help me.

Goddamn it, I'm tired.

Goddamn! Once you got no legs, everyone takes everything so serious.

Good job.

Good on ya, Kim!

Good or bad.

Good thing that x was bodgy or I'd be flying right now!

Got to stay hydrated, ma'am.

Gotten to the point, like, five minutes ago?

Great, thanks.

Great. What am i even doing here, ed?

Gulbahar yousofy, hits the road.

Gunnery sergeant Clinton j. Hurd.

Hadn't have gotten divorced,

Half the accents are fake.

Hang tight, sir. I'm gonna get you that ride.

Have a good... Have a good ride.

Have a happy ending?

He called me a fenian bastard.

He got the whole fucking thing.

He just wants to talk to me.

He likes to watch men with donkeys.

He said that you're upset about the air time you're getting.

He wants to know if you are the Russians.

He's still begging in the street. Hey, abrahaim.

He's the art Garfunkel, right?

Hear me out.

Hearts and minds.

Hello!

Hello! So, wait!

Hello! Where are you going?

Hello.

Hello.

Her network will pay me triple.

Here is your local mobile. The number is on the back.

Here just has shit all.

Here they are.

Here, you're a nine.

Here.

Here. You know what?

Here's my little man.

Hey, Antoine.

Hey, do I have to buy a dress for your wedding?

Hey, don't worry. Just go. Go, go, go.

Hey, I heard that nic quit and you fucked iain!

Hey, it's all right.

Hey, that's my ass! Do you have a mother?

Hey, you guys are 3 5, right?

Hey, you want to have a quickie

Hey!

Hey! Egg boy! Hey! You're a little shitbird!

Hey! Nabil! Hey.

Hey! No, Kim, don't say that. You could have nic.

Hey! You're hooking up Tanya in the tribals?

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. I'm just talking about her safety.

Hi, iain.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. I'm your shooter.

Hi. Was I supposed to say something then

High profile things that you do.

His new book, conflict zone,

Hmm?

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Holy shit!

Home sweet home.

Hooyah, general.

How about an interview with pacha Khan?

How are you standing there the one time I curse?

How are you?

How are you? You okay there?

How can we get to know each other, Kim?

How do I fix it?

How do you think that will affect our draw down in the region?

How does this

How does this end?

How you doing?

How's your baby?

Huh.

I almost fucked a Canadian?

I am a friend of America.

I am a person of,

I am fahim.

I am fucking losing it.

I am now married. I want to have children.

I am sorry, but we have to go.

I am still a man, no?

I am the army.

I appreciate that, but if I hadn't quoted you,

I assumed you two flew here together.

I believe I threw your mobile in my cupboard.

I bet the girl is strong, too.

I bet you're wetter than a submarine with screen doors now.

I can be in New York by Thursday.

I can make some calls. We can take my car.

I can't believe this worked out!

I can't breathe in here.

I can't hear you, honey.

I can't hear you!

I can't smile. My face feels weird.

I can't...

I cannot ask these men about this.

I could fly you first class.

I could make some inquiries, but I can only do this

I did hear about this, yes.

I didn't think there was anything else out there for me.

I dig pits to trap others and I fall in.

I do not think you do.

I do not want to work with you anymore.

I do, Mr. sadiq. Yes, on camera.

I don't care if you can do your job. I care if my men can.

I don't care. No. I drank too much water and I have to pee.

I don't even chamber a round in my weapon anymore, because,

I don't have a good one. I'm just here.

I don't know what that means.

I don't know what to say to you.

I don't know who the woman was it belonged to.

I don't know. I'm in Seattle.

I don't know. It's endorphins, right?

I don't remember what happened last night.

I don't think I can do this.

I fancy you, Kim Baker.

I feel so rude even asking this. No, it's fine.

I gave him, like, $100!

I get it.

I got it. Okay, yeah. Got it.

I got that from a pickup book.

I got you! Hey.

I hate to even bring it up.

I have a video that I think you should watch, sadiq.

I have all the fucking time in the world.

I have bad knees.

I have done thousands of miles on this bike

I have literally gone backwards.

I have to go outside.

I have to go to New York City and justify my life

I have to look at a calendar. I don't think I can do it this month.

I have...

I haven't been on the air in months!

I hope you get salmonella!

I hope you got all that on film, ma'am.

I just have to get out of here before it's too late.

I just need to get out of Kabul.

I just need you to see something.

I just... I couldn't look at that

I just... I don't have one.

I know it's a scam, Kim. So what?

I know they've not hurt anyone, mate. I'm just making the point...

I know. Iain talked to Colin.

I know. It's fucked.

I like you, Kim.

I like your mouthiness.

I lost my legs because of an ied, not because of you.

I love music.

I love that lippy color. What is that?

I love to dance!

I mean, even the Dutch army don't wear orange.

I mean, I've got tons of miles.

I mean, ma'am...

I mean, the army! I mean, that's just hurtful.

I mean, there's only so much any of us have any control of,

I mean, we're both in a really bad place. And then you

I mean, what week goes by that you don't see

I miss you and I want to see you. And I...

I need a win.

I need me time, exactly. That's...

I need something so that geri doesn't decide

I need that story. I need a hit, all right?

I owe you one.

I plot to get what I want

I really shouldn't have my back to the door.

I returned to this country to save it.

I ride after a deer and find myself chased by a hog.

I run a small department inside the interior ministry.

I sent research. He's likely to be Attorney General.

I should be suspicious of what I want.

I should just marry my mildly depressive boyfriend.

I should've googled you.

I started to feel like this was normal.

I swear to god, they blow up another well,

I take another pair of boots off.

I taught you how to clear your Internet history, okay?

I think breakfast is of equal monetary value.

I think I can paraphrase that.

I think it's romantic.

I think on Tuesday. Why?

I think that they have a bunch of old Soviet landmines,

I think we were.

I told you about that?

I told you to stay in the car.

I understand that you are no longer

I want everything in your mouth.

I want to talk to Jerry.

I want to talk to this Jerry whatever, Taub.

I want you to be happy.

I want you to come visit me.

I wanted...

I was at the gym after work one night. Stationary bike.

I was cursing your name at 0 stupid 30, but I'm glad I came out today.

I was just going home from closing a woman brothel

I was kidnapped by the aig when they were still called that.

I was. Drove back overnight.

I went to the gift shop at Taliban.

I would do it.

I would love to be your special friend.

I would never do this.

I would not, sir.

I wouldn't ask that too loudly, Kim.

I'd give you my eggs for $100.

I'd like to kiss you.

I'd say we're both on the wrong side of persia, ma'am.

I'd stay down if i were you, ya wee cunt.

I'll be back.

I'll be doing your security. I'll take your bag.

I'll come with you in the car if there's room.

I'll come with you.

I'll do my best to stay objective.

I'll fix you up next week. Okay.

I'll get the next flight. Okay.

I'll meet you. What?

I'll share my badakhshan thing with you.

I'll take you lying down, come on.

I'll think about it.

I'm a big fan of the movie predator with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I'm afraid all I could get

I'm Canadian, you asshole. Ugh.

I'm dragging this fucking thing along,

I'm dying to know who blew up my well.

I'm flipping you the bird in here right now.

I'm going to go live with it as soon as they let me out of here.

I'm going to let you have one of these.

I'm gonna be in New York at the end of the month,

I'm gonna go discover the wonders of the east,

I'm guessing you didn't come here for the smell of balls.

I'm here until, like, at least the 15th.

I'm joking, Kim. That didn't happen.

I'm just looking for a statement on sharia in kandahar.

I'm just putting my fucking finger in your mouth.

I'm just saying,

I'm Lance corporal coughlin, India company 3 5.

I'm more useful as an ottoman in her fucking office.

I'm not gonna get buggered, you know what I'm saying?

I'm not gonna protect my country

I'm not really surprised she chased the story.

I'm not your mate. I'm gonna ask you again,

I'm off. Excuse me.

I'm saying you carry an orange fucking backpack.

I'm Scottish, by the way.

I'm serious.

I'm sorry that I didn't get back last month.

I'm sorry,

I'm sorry, colonel, i can't accept gifts as a journalist.

I'm sorry, i can't help you.

I'm sorry, I'm freaking out because I saw your

I'm sorry, ma'am, I'm not authorized to answer that question.

I'm sorry, you started talking to her before the uav strike?

I'm Tanya. Oh, my god,

I'm trying to get information about

I'm trying to see if they put my story up,

I'm waiting for the snow to melt!

I've been... I've been using all the wrong swear words.

I've done mostly domestic reportage.

I've got to leverage it into something better.

I've had worse kidnappings.

I've never touched alcohol in my life!

I've seen people with actual experience make bad decisions here.

Iain mackelpie getting kidnapped.

Iain oo hee. Don't bother.

Iain was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Iain, just shut it.

Iain, that's easy for you to say, mate,

If a man's pubic hair was long enough to curl around the dowel,

If brezhnev hadn't have gone and fouled up Afghanistan

If I could just get you to get me a story

If I'm understanding this briefing,

If we fix the well, you can't blow it up.

If we go anywhere, jaweed, we take our vehicle.

If you didn't learn that in Afghanistan, you were not paying attention.

If you want to kidnap someone fucking twice,

If you'd fancy a coffee.

Il y a du monde au balcon. Pas mal.

In Afghanistan, you're a serious piece of ass.

In Afghanistan? Really?

In America, I would get a book deal out of this shit!

In case a missile is fired at the aircraft!

In fact, when the fight or flight instinct

In kandahar that was firebombed

In my culture, we would hug.

In one of those pretty white uniforms.

In one of those pretty white uniforms.

In the first place.

In the meantime, captain stern here

In the middle east and Afghanistan.

In this restive nation?

Indentation in the carpet,

Inshallah.

Iraq is where you get some right now.

Irish twins.

Is activated in the hypothalamus,

Is that a cab?

Is that a cab?

Is that my toothbrush?

Is the same thing as a personality, maybe. Oh!

Is there a shower?

Is this about me going to badakhshan without you?

Is this your first night out?

Is uav a drone?

Is your full name Shakira?

Isaf does not think this was an upper tier organization.

Isn't deciding what's best for the network my job?

It changes your perception of what's normal until...

It is him. That's my guy.

It is sadiq.

It is, actually.

It looks like the Attorney General

It makes me taller.

It means, oh, what a terrible event! Uh huh.

It refers to women who are fours back home

It reminds me of my time living in London.

It sucks. You'll fit right in.

It was a brilliant piece, that.

It was worse than a unibrow. It went all the way into his hair.

It will not happen again. It's not gonna...

It would be fine. But meanwhile...

It's a brothel and a Chinese restaurant.

It's a good idea, right?

It's a great idea!

It's a shame you're going. Hmm?

It's a tent with a shower.

It's bad tradecraft,

It's bananas here. It's, um...

It's beautiful.

It's bugging the shit out of me. Ma'am...

It's capital f, capital w.

It's erse for Owen.

It's fahim. Are you ready to go?

It's fucking Ace!

It's gonna be great.

It's just occurring to me that, unlike jsoc,

It's just work has been a little frustrating.

It's just...

It's Kim.

It's like fucking musical chairs.

It's like the hide of a fine horse.

It's like the wild west out there.

It's not about badakhshan, or Glasgow,

It's not my job. I'm a producer. General news. Enron.

It's okay, come.

It's okay. Hey.

It's okay. I know you're not gonna come.

It's okay. It's all right.

It's okay. It's okay. Here.

It's probably just a wedding somewhere nearby.

It's quite polluted with feces.

It's so nice to have another woman in the house!

It's still not 'cause of you, ma'am.

It's such beautiful hair.

It's the way we work.

It's their only chance to be social

It's too fucking long for me!

It's true. He had a good long run in the military.

It's unfortunate.

It's, like, a foot in front of my bike.

It's, like, a foot in front of my bike.

Jaweed, yes,

Jaweed's dead.

Jerry Taub, head of the network, Kim.

Jesus, Kim! No.

Jesus!

Jesus!

Jesus!

Jesus! What the fuck?

Jesus. Oh, yeah.

Jesus. Oy.

Just a

Just about the security situation here

Just bring us back a six pack, eh?

Just death.

Just got here from New York.

Just incredible. Way to go, Kim!

Just waiting for my guy to give me the green light.

K.I.A.! Killed in action.

Kabul happened, my wee froggy in the pot.

Kabul international airport.

Kandahar's gone to shit party. You know?

Keep sipping that. You're all right. It's okay.

Kim Baker.

Kim is American for white lady.

Kim, are you going to be joining in?

Kim, are you okay? What's going on?

Kim, did you ever feel like you're Manning that tollgate

Kim, don't get out of the car! Kim!

Kim, I was talking to some of the younger men.

Kim, if we are going to kandahar,

Kim, look at these dogs.

Kim, no.

Kim, now. We must hurry. We must hurry.

Kim, sip that. Okay? You all right?

Kim, this is tall Brian.

Kim, today we are meeting Ali massoud sadiq.

Kim, we have a bit of a situation outside.

Kim, you know the frog in the pot of water?

Kim, you've got to move on.

Kim!

Kim!

Kim!

Kim?

Kim?

Kim?

Kim.

Kim.

Kim.

Kim.

Kim. Kim. Kim. Kim, nice work.

Kim. Your hair.

Knock yourself out.

Laser off. Laser safe.

Leaving a message for Susan.

Let me just have a little peekaboo.

Let's apply for another embed.

Let's go, load up! Let's go, move, move, move!

Let's look now at the 12 first tier drivers in the current coin paradigm.

Like real Taliban contacts.

Listen up. Iraq two is happening.

Listen, I think it's impressive.

Listen, rest up tonight.

Listen, the iain thing is not a thing, okay?

Listen, you haven't been home in months.

Literally.

Local time is 15 hours.

Long simmering frustration

Look in the mirror, dipshit.

Look, a month ago, i was writing a story about corn syrup.

Look, everyone in the kabubble is full of shit. It's okay.

Look, geri, I don't know what Tucker has been telling you.

Look, I can't sell Afghanistan in Monday meetings.

Look, Nicky, i know you've been specially trained

Look, the last person who got any kind of

Look, we don't go in blind.

Look, we're good, aren't we? We'll always have Kabul.

Ma'am,

Ma'am, I asked you to stay put!

Ma'am, if you set one foot in front of the other,

Ma'am, you got a sticker on your pants.

Mackelpie is being treated for minor injuries.

Mahboobullah, this is where my best friend Kimberly lives!

Make a hole, Baker.

Man, we are definitely losing the war

Marine!

Marines say oorah.

May I show you something?

May I speak with him?

Maybe none of us would've been in the Stan to begin with.

Me? Oh, no, thank you.

Miss Baker?

Miss Baker.

Mmm hmm.

Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Well, it was hard to understand you

Moon's out.

Mount up! Jesus, stern!

Move on! Move on!

Move out!

Mr. ahmadzai,

Mr. ahmadzai,

Mr. Attorney General. Thank you.

Mr. sadiq, hi.

Mrs. mackelpie.

My best friend here almost died, and I am jealous of her!

My frustration is with our priorities

My god. You motherfucker. Unbelievable. Unbelievable!

My middle name is eoghan.

My nose is running. There's shit in the air,

My point. Let's go. Bullshit.

Nae, haud yer wheesht.

New York or D.C.

Next thing you know, you guys are just part of the Navy.

Nic here does security for Kim, iain.

Nic, you're welcome, too, you big cunt!

Nic?

No one can take it away from you.

No one is staring at me. It's weird.

No way. It's a wee bit fluid down there these days,

No word as to whether it was an ied or a specific car bomb.

No, actually, ****stan. That's where the real shooting shit is.

No, Afghans are the people.

No, he didn't. The zoo?

No, I did.

No, I don't want to see myself.

No, I know. I'm kidding. No, it's arabic for thankful.

No, I wouldn't. I'm not.

No, I'd be back in Norton filling hescos.

No, I'm just getting my pants on. Damn it, sergeant hurd.

No, I'm only here for a few days.

No, iain, don't. It's a scam.

No, ma'am.

No, not biological women. Oh, really?

No, not soldiers. Marines.

No, please. Thanks for having me.

No, really, where are you going?

No, really, you can say whatever you want to me.

No, sir, you do not.

No, thank you. I just need a moment of your time. Ah.

No, thank you. No, thank you.

No, that's my bag.

No, that's terrible! No.

No, they are very good.

No, they will not, Kim,

No, they're just really chapped.

No, this is home.

No, too dangerous.

No, we won't. We won't always have it

No, you didn't, because this is not me.

No, you don't need to be gallant.

No, you're fine. You look good.

No!

No! That was not made clear. That's... no.

No! This is how i want to go.

No.

No.

No.

No. I don't know what that means. But it's very folksy.

No. I don't. No.

No. I know it's a separate thing!

No. I'm not you.

No. No. No. I don't think so.

No. Tell me you didn't go to the tribals because of a contract.

No. What about badakhshan?

No. Whatever you wear in Kabul is fine.

No. Who is your boss?

Nope, that's not what this is.

Nope. Just sit up, smile.

Not all of it.

Not now, Baker.

Not really. We all did hostile zone training in 2001.

Not that either of those things have ever stopped you before.

Nothing to do with it. I'm just...

Now I look great.

Now I'm ready to party.

Now is when you're supposed to say i told you so.

Now you're ready.

Now, I ask you,

Obviously this was just a kabubble thing, right?

Of a 1989 Toyota pickup?

Of all the dozens of women in this country, I chose you.

Of course she will.

Of course.

Of course.

Of no consequence.

Of the islamic Republic of Afghanistan

Of the islamic Republic of Afghanistan

Oh, Christ, what is this?

Oh, Christ!

Oh, Christ.

Oh, fahim, hi! Pleased to meet you.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Oh, fuck off.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fucking hell.

Oh, god, I fucking...

Oh, god, I'm gonna put it in you so fucking hard,

Oh, god! Mmm.

Oh, goddamn it, jaweed!

Oh, great, we're all going to kandahar!

Oh, I know.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, Kim. Cheers.

Oh, my god, fahim. They're gonna kill him.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god. I only washed the front of my hair.

Oh, my god. Tanya. Hi.

Oh, my god. Uh... Kim Baker.

Oh, my shoes. Shit.

Oh, no, Kim.

Oh, no, thanks. Morning shows.

Oh, not again.

Oh, please, do not cover your hair on my account.

Oh, right, it's my fault. Great, Chris. You're a genius.

Oh, she likes it.

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shoot, I... I copied a key for you, so...

Oh, shoot. Oh, sorry, what time is it?

Oh, that hit the net.

Oh, that's Oprah.

Oh, well...

Oh, wouldn't you like to know?

Oh, you poor thing. Can I get you anything?

Oh!

Oh!

Oh.

Oh...

Oi, Tanya? What's her story?

Oi. Now, that there was a bit of fun.

Okay, fuck it.

Okay, great. Are we having the Afghan version of this conversation,

Okay, I deserve that.

Okay, I don't care who the hell's in there. I'm Kim Baker.

Okay, I'll get back in the car.

Okay, let me pitch you something.

Okay, let's go.

Okay, let's try to be adults here.

Okay, look, Jerry has mentioned Afghanistan to me once,

Okay, well, I could go live for the overnights, but this is...

Okay, well, then let's say you're right.

Okay, what if i come to New York

Okay, yes, of course. Thank you.

Okay! Heads on a swivel!

Okay? I was not happy.

Okay? The same bike every day.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Okay. It's okay.

Okay. Well, I'm covering the girls' school

Okay. Yes. Yeah?

On the changing table in the bathroom?

Once again seeks a return to normality.

Once again, thank you for flying with us...

Once again, we thank you for flying with us.

Once you asked me to stuff your knickers in your mouth.

One of their edicts was a rule that

One time. I mean...

Oo hee? Mmm hmm.

Oorah, Baker. Get some.

Opportunities to be on camera.

Or a half of one and we can make it an even three.

Or his friend does.

Or like, you know, like having sex.

Or our future exit strategy.

Or perform jobs of any type on my marines.

Or the cottage with the chickens.

Or your friend pacha Khan knows something.

Oui. For now.

Our own Kim Baker reporting for us live.

Out of there in a year was on another network.

Outside temperature's 18 degrees celsius.

Outstanding.

Ow!

Pacha Khan is a businessman.

Pacha Khan, thank you for your kind hospitality.

Pacha Khan, the warlord?

Pacha Khan, yeah. It's like, adrenaline. Everyone was...

People are gonna get mad.

People think he's in ****stan, right?

Perfect. See you Wednesday.

Piss off, that's it! That's it! Hey! Hey!

Plants, mail.

Please hold. Please come outside.

Please tell Mr. sadiq that his special friend is here.

Precisely. Because you're not you anymore.

Pressers and right of boom crap. Who cares?

Pretty good for you, too.

Probably get them to go up to $125 a day.

Punched nic.

Put a turban on her, she'd make a very handsome boy.

Qadar. Qadar, it's okay. You can go in.

Raise chickens?

Ramadan has ended. They are slaughtering lambs.

Rapono!

Really, general? The elliptical?

Really? You'll meet me in Glasgow?

Reduced this compound to rubble.

Remember that we are at altitude here,

Remember, you're like a six in Manhattan.

Reportage?

Reportage?

Right, well!

Right. I get it. Be my guest.

Roger. Clear to engage target.

Roll off!

Rolls out at zero six.

Said it was, like, military grade.

Satellite time? No, I have a dedicated feed.

Say bye to Kim. Bye, Kim! Say bye.

Secondly, I'm a gentleman.

Security wise.

See you in Kabul.

See? I told you that o magazine

Shall we say tomorrow?

Shall we? Yeah.

She does not call.

She does not invite me to her party.

She has a boyfriend. And she's unconscious, okay?

She says, uh... Welcome to Afghanistan.

She's actually got me over a barrel thanks to that drone story.

She's London, Kim.

She's running a website for women or something.

She's stronger.

Shh. No!

Shit dick!

Shit! Hot! Hot bullet things!

Shit! Shit!

Shit.

Shit.

Shit.

Shit.

Short Brian. Works for reuters.

Since June?

Since when?

Sir, do you have a minute?

Sitting there in your cozzie taking photos of the fucking garden.

So anyway, I took a little something, actually.

So drink plenty of water while you acclimatize.

So I can't give Afghanistan more air.

So I got an expedited visa, like, two days ago,

So I hear.

So if someone at reuters can please call me back.

So if there's anything that you want to say to me,

So lodging, transport,

So people can understand that.

So that lady back at the gym, she's dead.

So these men will probably try to sell him to someone else.

So they don't have to walk to the river.

So while I have this juice,

So while you're outside the wire with my men,

So you must know about my friend

So you think, forget him.

So, do you believe the afghani people

So, I thought I might like to hang out with you for a bit.

So, is there another Brian around here

So, Kim, are you gonna stay for dinner?

So, no comment on sharia in kandahar or...

So, uh, I know how to set up a bgan

So, um,

So, you're good.

So, you're not gonna yell at me?

So, you've been embedded before, then?

So... this is iain. Iain, Kim.

Sold.

Soldiers, athletes...

Some 12 year old haji had to plant that bomb.

Somewhere in that same region.

Somewhere that you're taller than?

Sorry to interrupt.

Sorry, but I've only been here for a couple months.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry. So, just real quick...

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Sounds a lot like the Taliban's old ministry of vice and virtue.

Sources within isaf suggest that isi may be involved.

Special about your embed in korengal, and it was amazing.

Splash.

Standing by approval.

Stay calm.

Stay there! Stay there!

Stop. Stop. I am engaged to be married.

Tactical and institutional...

Take it off. I'm fucking trying to take it off!

Tall Brian? What the fuck?

Tanya vanderpoel, outside lashkar gah, Afghanistan,

Tanya, this is not about my fucking job.

Tanya's got scotch. It won't last long, so...

Thank you for coming on the show.

Thank you, colonel Roberts.

Thank you, Kim.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. My pleasure.

Thank you. That's nice.

Thank you. That's so sweet.

Thanks, fahim. Mmm hmm.

That Ali massoud sadiq does not know about.

That guy? He's dead two years.

That is a word, yes?

That is bullshit.

That is heroin, cocaine and amphetamine, all at once.

That is the national animal of the kingdom I ruled

That is why we drink, do drugs

That kind of exposure?

That kind of stuff.

That little bastard!

That nothing happens here that you don't know about.

That one melted a laptop downloading porno.

That remind a man that you're really only okay looking.

That somebody would care about,

That sucks. That sucks for women.

That the Taliban are far from vanquished.

That was a bomb.

That was a bomb.

That was a men's park, Kim! Men only!

That was a nice fucking well, corporal.

That you would just refuse to repair the well this time.

That's 'cause I'm in warrior mode.

That's 6:00 A.M. i know that, yeah.

That's a pretty big ask, Baker.

That's a term of affection, by the way.

That's a very nice thing to say, but...

That's all I got.

That's all I got.

That's an $80,000 piece of ordnance!

That's bullshit, fahim. No.

That's close to home for those of us who cover it.

That's exactly what i told the mullah, so...

That's just wrong, because this is not about me.

That's like, um, it's like panties, yeah?

That's not true. That's not true.

That's right. I knew that. Thank you.

That's so you can remember my name.

That's the two best places to shoot somebody.

That's what I'm trying to see.

That's what this place

That's what we do. That's what you do.

That's when we return.

That's why I came here.

That's why I'm here.

That's why I'm here.

That's... no, that would never happen. So you're good.

The best, nic!

The car is over here and we go.

The disappearance of iain mackelpie,

The feces smell all the way to here.

The frog doesn't notice?

The general's busy.

The girl at the north face store

The human body produces its own heroin.

The invisible net? Yes.

The Kabul zoo.

The lead vehicle bottomed out.

The marines don't have much to say about Iraq.

The men would steal our morphine.

The NATO mission in Afghanistan grows increasingly uncertain.

The Navy says hooyah.

The network is stretched thin. All our talent is going there.

The New Zealand sas back home.

The only thing I ask is that you make sure my friend is there.

The Russians? Mmm.

The second most powerful person in Afghanistan.

The second most powerful person in Afghanistan.

The surprise visit from secretary of defense Donald rumsfeld.

The Taliban haven't been destroying the well here.

The Taliban used to do this.

The thing is, I have a very serious boyfriend at home,

The travel or the crying?

The vbc use an American contractor

The what? It hit the net.

The whole I'm ex special forces wankers are flat out lying.

The whole point of kidnapping is to get money, right?

The women of the village are destroying it.

The younger one, the boy, he's very strong.

Their mantra is that they are focused on doing the job here.

Then this came along and...

There is a bed here now.

There is a reason to believe that a person

There is nowhere for you to go.

There needs to be a revision to the previously announced draw down

There they are.

There will be an airline representative to assist you to your luggage.

There's a real time clock on this.

There's aught like a good shag.

There's less chance you lose both feet if we hit an ied.

There's my boy.

These coalminers in Pennsylvania,

These men, heroin addicts,

They believe that he may have been sold

They built roads, airport, housing, all that.

They don't actually want to watch them on the news anymore.

They enforced their version of sharia.

They just don't.

They just want money.

They kill us and they break our hearts!

They kill us!

They like to shoot off guns at weddings here.

They say the Taliban came at night.

They sent him to helmand.

They taught us to open our mouths if we get mortared...

They would beat him.

They would walk the streets carrying a small wooden rod,

They'd say, oh, my son, he broke his arm.

Thinking the only consolation is,

This here's a forgotten war.

This is a fucking piece of shit.

This is against what I believe as an American.

This is an orange ruck. No, ma'am. Not on my vehicle.

This is crazy.

This is Kim Baker.

This is not about you.

This is Tucker wang.

This is your life.

This is your room.

This war is like fucking a gorilla.

Those assholes on TV, am I right?

Those assholes tried to shoot us!

Those men in the hospital, the addicts...

Though I'd be thrilled to have you back at your old desk.

To another organization

To be done in the real world,

To be done in the real world,

To check on some of our prt work.

To interview him since the Soviet war.

To know about this, so they are hoping

To lock and load his weapon when he is out on patrol.

To members of the ghilzai family?

To protect New Zealand from, what, fucking dolphins?

To protect the investment of red China

To stump up the money for the helicopter,

Today boiled over into violence and despair.

Today, Kabul's first licensed female driver,

Tomorrow, I'll drive you to the base for your embed.

Tucker? No, I don't know who that is.

Twice?

Two and a half, actually.

Ugh!

Ugh!

Ugh!

Ugh! Did you have that prepared?

Uh, because I'm going to Afghanistan on Tuesday.

Uh, I don't really know, Kim.

Uh, shit. Sorry. I'm trying to find the shower?

Uh, sorry.

Uh, that's my supplies. Camera stuff.

Uh, when do you get back from Houston?

Uh, yeah. Yeah. But I'm on my way to New York to see my boyfriend.

Um, hopefully, the travel.

Um, Larry. Because he's put upon in a way that I identify with.

Um...

Vbc world news.

Very little happens in Afghanistan

Very little.

Vides, make ready.

Wait here.

Wait, oh, no. Um, do you need money?

Wait, what? The pass is open?

Wait, who killed it?

Wait, you have sake?

Wait. For how long?

Wait. Oh, fuck.

Wanted to blow everything up. I just wanted out of my job,

War reporters. Got it.

Was produced by our very own Kim Baker.

Was that.

Was your friend Tanya vanderpoel.

We all have some reason for being here.

We are clear to engage target.

We are going to isaf later, yes? I don't know.

We don't wear ibas on the fob.

We dug that well several times for the women

We grow old together? Get a cottage in the country?

We have interviews.

We have the same size hands. I can't.

We have to know what we're doing and where we're going.

We have to make good calls, right?

We need people, any people, to fill the void in Afghanistan.

We need to enterprise something. Okay?

We need to get out of the bubble.

We should go to kandahar.

We still friends, sadiq?

We'll get you out to a fob as soon as we find a ride for you.

We'll have to wait till they clear the passes.

We're still 5 Mikes. It must be one hairy dump.

We're the same height.

Welcome to Glasgow international airport.

Welcome to the Stan. My name's nic.

Welcome!

Well done, Baker.

Well, guess whose responsibility it is

Well, he didn't want you to have to go buy something.

Well, how about a half of one?

Well, I hope at least they're flying you first class.

Well, I hope i didn't ruin your big moment.

Well, I hope i didn't ruin your big moment.

Well, I'm just saying how it looks.

Well, I'm very sorry for what happened to you.

Well, she said you were an asshole,

Well, that is officially the most

Well, that is up to you, Kim.

Well, that might look like I hadn't done my job.

Well, that's fucking unsatisfying.

Well, then who is fronting the show?

Well, they're in luck.

Well, where are you gonna hide it? Inside a fucking sunset?

Well, you soon might be

Well, you soon might be

Wenge, do you guys have regular access to healthcare?

Went to parties at guesthouses.

What a rush, yeah?

What about the woman thing where the sharia law is back?

What are we talking about, fahim?

What are you doing?

What are you here, like a 15?

What badakhshan thing?

What can I get for you? Some tea? The new PlayStation?

What chickens?

What do dolphins got to do with New Zealand?

What do you believe your mission to be here?

What do you mean, over a barrel?

What does that mean?

What happened to Angela? She left.

What happened to the army, Dr. brydon?

What has vanderpoel ever done for you?

What inspired you to enlist originally?

What is going on with badakhshan?

What is this?

What is this?

What is yours?

What other fucking choice do we have?

What possible interest could I be to the Americans?

What the dick?

What the fuck are you doing?

What the fuck, jaweed?

What the fuck, jaweed? Are they coming or not?

What the hell are you doing?

What the hell is happening here?

What the hell was that?

What you need, Kim, is some time out of the bubble.

What, like, rolling rolling? You have tape?

What, Tanya's thing? No, I've got shit like that.

What?

What?

What?

What?

What? According to no less an authority than grace mugabe.

What? Oh.

What? Pussy!

What? What is that?

What'd he say?

What's going on with my kandahar piece, ed?

What's that mean?

What's your job again? Hmm?

What's your reason?

What's your, uh... Your name and rank?

Whatever happens, you'll have me.

Whatever.

Whatever. You owe me. What else do you have?

When I told my driver,

When I was eight.

When I worked in the hospital,

When it comes to this particular well.

When the Taliban was in power,

When they fucking pulled out a burqa.

When was the last time I saw you?

When you have something concrete,

When you introduced me? Nope.

When your pussy's eating your leg. Shower's that way.

Where are we going?

Where did you learn English?

Where have you come from? I thought you were in badakhshan.

Where in New York we would have

Where is bin laden?

Where you used his soundbite about not loading his rifle,

Where's the shower? Yes. This way.

Which is erse... shut up.

Which is why you should let me interview you,

Which means I need to give Afghanistan fewer resources.

Which means that a cameraman could go on a forecon mission.

Which one?

Which they would roll along the front of a man's trousers.

White pointers and sharks,

Who is fronting the show?

Who is iain? He's a proper asshole.

Who is in your bed, Chris? What?

Who kidnaps a Scottish freelance photographer?

Who knew?

Who said that? Tanya.

Who says he knows who killed Abdul haq?

Who's that white lady?

Who's your favorite three stooge?

Whoa, hold on.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa!

Why am I being told that i don't have a sat hookup?

Why are we stopping?

Why did fahim tell me i could dress like this?

Why dolphins?

Why don't I know who you are?

Why have I never heard of you?

Why would you think that?

Why?

Why?

Will see to it that you get a wet hootch.

With a western enemy of islam

With Iraq, do you feel like people have forgotten about Afghanistan?

With that little koala looking at me.

With the resources we have over there,

With your special friend Chris.

Women who think that an accent

Woodward, I'm back in Kabul again.

Working on it, colonel.

Would come in with a child.

Would increase your understanding of women.

Would you care for some water?

Would you do that? Would you go down there?

Would you like that, Kim?

Would you like that?

Would you not have gone on patrol today if I weren't here?

Wow, good job, Kim! Ruthless!

Writing news scripts for dumb pretty people to read.

Yeah, but how do you know if it's the right call?

Yeah, Chris is not super pleased.

Yeah, I can give you something:

Yeah, I don't think i could get it up

Yeah, I get it. Thank you. Thanks a lot.

Yeah, I haven't done a lot of overseas reporting.

Yeah, I miss it, too.

Yeah, I ordered some money last week. Still in the post.

Yeah, I think it's worth the risk.

Yeah, I'll meet you in Glasgow.

Yeah, it might be a bit much for you, eh, nic?

Yeah, it went well.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, sure, if it was the right call.

Yeah, they're bloody addicted.

Yeah, well, after they aired your story,

Yeah, well, everybody heard about it,

Yeah? Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. I get it.

Yeah. Nope.

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. Or I could buy you breakfast.

Yeah. Or I could buy you breakfast.

Yes, excellent, Kim!

Yes, ma'am. I'd say that surely is the word for it.

Yes, ma'am. Most days. Uh...

Yes, the air here takes some getting used to.

Yes, wait, Iraq.

Yes!

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. Please.

Yet another benchmark for preparedness.

You all right there, mate?

You are a bad friend.

You are a battle tested foreign correspondent.

You are in the blue prison now.

You booked your return yet?

You broke my nose.

You calm the fuck down!

You can actually see the hellfire missile right before it detonates.

You can still come with me.

You can watch video on the phone?

You can't just do this, okay?

You didn't give egg boy money, did you?

You do a Toyota.

You do.

You do.

You drink Tennessee whiskey, miss Baker?

You embrace the suck,

You forgot my fucking birthday!

You fucking American? Are you a yank?

You fucking kidding me?

You fucking tourist!

You get it, you're from Florida.

You got chucked over by some guy

You got it.

You guys allow reporter embeds.

You guys can't go out there, but I can.

You have a bed in your office.

You have got to be shitting me!

You have something they want for the mornings?

You have that call now.

You have two? Yes.

You interviewed a young marine?

You just shot a javelin at a fucking car!

You keep going till the gorilla wants to stop.

You know China won the contract to mine for gold up there.

You know it's not, right?

You know that.

You know what? Fuck that.

You know what? Have fun in Seattle.

You know, Afghanistan produces 90% of the world's narcotic opiates.

You know, Colin was rolling.

You know, especially with seals and delta out there.

You know, I figure accidental discharge is scarier than the Taliban.

You know, I heard that he has contacts in the tribals.

You know, I miss it. The Stan.

You know, it's just a shame that

You know, Kim, the reason that your village well story got traction is

You know, they got me on this book tour at the moment.

You know, they got me on this book tour at the moment.

You know, we help out with community projects and all.

You know? But the aussies and kiwis are so hot.

You look beautiful! You look beautiful!

You make me feel like a young man again.

You mean hekmatyar? Maybe.

You move the fuck forward.

You pay for the trip, I'll share the story with you. Easy peasy.

You raise the temperature bit by bit,

You really are a fixer.

You see that?

You should go to the rock 'n' roll museum.

You sit next to the only two women in a country the size of Texas

You sure? Don't just say that to be polite.

You think you urinate out the...

You think you're in the fucking army?

You were supposed to be in New York, sneaky girl.

You will be the first western journalist

You will in no way distract them, understood?

You will need to buy some new clothes.

You wish to interview me, Mr. ahmadzai?

You would have done exactly what I did if jaweed had gone to you.

You wouldn't have been transferred.

You'd better get ready. I'm fucking making love to you

You're a bad friend.

You're a bit late to the whole

You're a solid Kabul 9.5.

You're ghilzai, right?

You're giving yourself way too much credit.

You're going to Afghanistan on Tuesday?

You're gonna fucking get it. Shh. Don't talk.

You're hiring Tanya. Yes.

You're in the kabubble. You said so yourself.

You're not here to sleep with

You're the new girl.

You're what, like, 42?

You've got egg in your beard. Hang on.

You've got to find your own luck here, babe,

Your body releases endorphins, dopamine and norepinephrine.

Your national animal is the unicorn.

Your room, Kim, is upstairs.

Your war's got chronic same shit different day itis.

4 6800, line six north.

Bye, darling! Good night.

Cheers. Salud.

Gosh, damn it, man. This is a new one.

I think I missed one. Stop!

I'm sorry. Sorry. Piss off!

Is this your car, fahim? Yes.

Jaweed? Jaweed.

Kim Baker. Mmm hmm.

Kim, come back. Kim, wait! Come back.

Like, three months. What?

No fucking way. Mmm, apparently.

Oh, fuck. Really? Yes.

Oh, my god. Oh, no!

Really? Wow.

Shut up. It is.

So they say. Mmm.

Sure. Oh, wow. Well...

This is Kim. Kim Baker?

...coalition capacity,

...is always in purple,

...not to cooperate. Oh, god. Christ, there's a...

...out of having to decide whether

...until here we are.

...you could've killed her, mate!

'Cause I thought it was a Colombian nickname.

'Cause that right there, that's what we do best.

'Cause we got two wars going on now,

'Cause you could come through Glasgow if you wanted.

'Cause you would have done exactly the same thing.

$100? What?