There's Something About Mary (1998) Edit

A fatty who likes beer and golf.

A friend. Baseball bat.

A one and a two...

A pretty teacher's aide named Molly Pettygrove.

Actually. I did almost get married once.

After a short stint as a petty thief...

Ain't that just love's name?

All I got are these damn Nepalese coins.

All right.

All right.

All right. I know what I've gotta do. I know what I gotta do. Where's the phone?

All right. I think you're all set. So just go clean the pipes and it's a go.

All right. Look. I think everybody could use a drink right now.

All right. What the hell is going on here? Can someone explain it to me?

All set?

All we had were some Oreos. How does that sound. Honey?

Almost.

An honest to goodness high. I did all those things for myself.

And from what he told me on the phone just now. He loves you too.

And he's not listed as a Harvard alumnus.

And I am not surprised. I am not surprised at all...

And I still wanna look her up.

And I'm really sorry. I did it. I admit it.

And if you still think he's being silly Then you've still got more to see

And it hurts down to your soul

And it was going along just fine until you showed up.

And she don't answer the cards you send

And so then it was over. We really haven't spoken since.

And that's when I realized I couldn't in good conscience bring myself to do it.

And then the truth is. I started to like her.

And we guarantee just as good a workout as the 8 Minute folk.

And when the Wal Mart cashier job fell through, I hooked up with Peking Pizza.

And where would you and your beer bellied architect be going to?

And why he couldn't wait no more?

And you know something? You were absolutely right. I needed help.

And you know that Puffy, he only barks at the bad people.

And you'd probably dump the poor guy halfway to Katmandu.

And, you know, most artists are...

Anyhow. There was a restraining order. It got kind of ugly...

Anyhow. We're going out tonight.

Anyway, I hope you don't think I'm being meddlesome.

Anyway, I know it's not the type of thing you'd forget, but I guess I just...

Are you a movie buff?

Are you crazy? What makes you think I would pick you anyhow?

Are you getting this? Make sure you get a close up on his face.

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me? He's 230 pounds. he can hold you. You don't have to.

Are you okay?

Are you okay? Yeah?

Are you okay. Ted?

Are you shitting me? Mr. Goody Two Shoes?

Are you sure it's the same Mary? You got the right person?

Are you the little guy making all that big noise?

Are you...? You're not serious. Are you?

At 16, he committed his first murder.

At approximately 10:40 this morning...

Baby.

Back when I was your age. I always used to make myself a big banana split after sex.

Banana, banana.

Be careful, man.

Because I'm tired.

Because if it wasn't for me, she might have married that schmuck.

Because it's right there on your golf bag.

Besides. She's probably married with a couple of kids by now. Girls like Mary...

Big boned? No, no, not at all. No.

Boston, huh?

Both of you are just...

Brett never said those bad things about Warren.

Brian Mone.

But for some reason with Pat, I kept saying to myself:

But I want somebody with freedom in their job, you know?

But I'd be happiest with you.

But I'm already engaged to Freddie.

But I'm fine.

But if this chick turns up with a toe tag, I'm rolling over on you, big guy.

But it was this thing in college.

But the bottom line is, I'm not gonna use my philanthropy as some kind of currency.

But there's something about Mary That they don't know

But there's something about Mary That they don't know

But there's something about Mary That they don't know

But they could be brighter.

But they don't know a thing about love

But they've never fallen in love So his friends need not be asked

But you're married. You have a wife, beautiful kids.

Bye. Ted.

Calm down. Honey.

Can I feel your bosoms before I go?

Can we cut to the chase? I mean, am I. Like, in a lot of trouble here. or...?

Can you do me a favor? Would you mind letting the dog out?

Can you see her as Ted sees her

Car clean? Plenty of gas?

Change your name. Just kind of leave that behind."

Charlie, I think he's masturbating.

Charlie, you are so mean.

Cheating on his wife.

Children and a Labrador: negative.

Christ. Ted. I was only four towns away.

Coconut.

Come here. Baby. Come here. Sweetheart.

Come here. Warren. You okay?

Come here. You ever had one up the hatch in here?

Come off it, Mary.

Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Cough it up. Chompers.

Come on. Let's go.

Come on. Let's talk. Did you knock this skirt up?

Come on. Like you mean it.

Come on. Okay? Come on.

Come on. Puffer. Stay away from the light.

Come on. Tell her the truth. Pizza boy.

Cool.

Could you just...? Hey, I'm sorry.

Dad. You haven't been busting Ted's chops, have you?

Damn.

Damn.

Damn.

Did you get my letter. Mare? The one about Ted?

Did you hire Pat Healy to spy on me?

Did you really mean what you said up there?

Did you take that bio test? Because that was, like...

Didn't we just do that?

Didn't you hear what I just said?

Do what?

Do you expect us to believe that you're going to the prom with Mary?

Do you know your truck is parked in a handicapped zone?

Do you...? You want me to...?

Does Mommy? Does Mommy smell like a gin mill?

Dom Woganowski.

Dom? You're pathetic.

Dom. What are you doing here?

Don't bet on it.

Don't forget. It's a sumo culture. They pay by the pound there.

Don't forget. It's a sumo culture. They pay by the pound there.

Don't get ahead of yourself. You'll be eating a banana split before I do.

Don't make me have to open a can of whup ass on you.

Don't worry. She's a dental hygienist. She'll know what to do.

Don't...

Dumb shit.

Each day is better than the next.

Earl Stein, you old sheep fucker. How the hell are you?

Either you come clean, or I'm gonna kick your fucking ass.

Especially after what I did.

Everybody get out of the way.

Exactly.

Except for the rash thing's still there, right?

Exceptional, my ass.

Excuse my friend.

First chink in the armor, Ted.

First. Tell us why you did it.

Flowers are for you. Ball is for Warren. Had a friend FedEx it from Boston.

Folks, here, let's... We'll break up. We'll spitball this tomorrow, okay?

Foofy and woofy?

For me, it's heaven. You know?

Four kids. Three different guys. but no rock.

Franks and beans.

From that moment on. The guys at school looked at me in a whole new light.

From when you were 5 years old

Fuck calling her. I'm going down there.

Fuck me.

Fuck me.

Fuck you then. You big pussy. I'll drink it.

Fuck.

Fuck. I knew shit, man.

Fucking Patrick Healy. You think your shit don't stink.

Get in closer. That's good. Don't be afraid. Get right in there. A little bit more.

Get in.

Get up, boy. Hey. Warren.

Get your hand off my car. What the hell did you just say to me?

Get your hands out of there.

Giddyup. Warren. There we go.

Give me a break here, okay? I was a little nuts. A little...

Go.

God, Mary, I've missed you.

God, that reminds me. I have to call and cancel with what's his face.

God, that's what I've been trying to explain to you people for the last hour.

Good morning. Magda.

Good pooch.

Good. Good. Good.

Good. He'll be fine. Mary, you're being overprotective.

Good. I'm glad we saw you.

Goodbye.

Great. So I'm lucky because my brother died in an explosion?

Guy turns out to be a blabbermouth.

Had a fucking horseshoe up your ass, my man.

Hang on. Wait a second.

Harold and Maude is my all time favorite movie.

Harvard.

Have you ever thought about maybe moving back up to Rhode Island?

Have you seen my baseball?

Have you seen my baseball?

Have you seen my wiener?

Haven't thought about that in years. Yeah.

He can tell that you're an animal nut.

He chews with his mouth open.

He confessed everything. He told me he's not an architect.

He doesn't like anybody. He never usually likes guys.

He don't challenge her He don't contend with her

He dresses like a complete dork.

He faxed me this this morning. I'll just give you the highlights.

He got ahold of you. Didn't he?

He hardly ever says the right thing, and he probably farts too.

He has to be self employed.

He killed people. I know. It's crazy.

He lived up north, and...

He loves Warren.

He never remembers anybody.

He said that if Warren wasn't in my life...

He shoots down to Miami every couple of weeks. He can help you out.

He was almost perfect.

He was being a pest. I put him in the bathroom.

He was incarcerated until the age of 22, when, despite a grim psychological profile...

He was like an Eagle Scout.

He was so shy and clumsy, and he had this huge mouth full of metal.

He was there closing his deal with the Rice a Roni people the whole time.

He was watching you undress with a silly grin on his face.

He was... He was a little chilly.

He's a claims investigator. He's a hell of a bloodhound.

He's a nice guy. Huh?

He's got a forehead like a drive in movie theater. He's a good shit...

He's got him wrapped up like a baby.

He's had a little too much to drink.

He's no Steve Young.

He's not masturbating.

He's the guy you should be with.

Healy, you dog.

Healy. How smashing to see you.

Healy. You in there?

Heavy? What I wouldn't give to know what heavy feels like...

Hello?

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Her name was Mary.

Here comes the money shot.

Here I thought I was the only one.

Here she comes. Oh, honey. You look beautiful.

Here you go, big guy.

Here you go.

Here. Look. Here's my ID.

Hey, Bob?

Hey, boy. How about the pizza, huh?

Hey, Brett.

Hey, buddy. Come here. I think I know where your ball is.

Hey, Cat, how about a couple of brews over here, man?

Hey, check it out.

Hey, dipshit. be careful with that thing, will you?

Hey, don't look so shocked. Ted.

Hey, get the fuck out of here.

Hey, guys.

Hey, guys. I thought you might like some of these with your beers.

Hey, Herb. How's it going? Apple for you today.

Hey, hey, hey. I'm not a stalker. I'm not a stalker, all right?

Hey, hey, hey. You. where's that coming from?

Hey, I got cash.

Hey, I saw her a couple months ago at a convention in Las Vegas.

Hey, I wanna thank you for the other day.

Hey, I'm proud of you. How about a frosty to celebrate?

Hey, I've got an idea. There's this guy down in my office. His name's Healy.

Hey, Magda. why don't you help me in the kitchen?

Hey, Pat. Do you want a Budweiser or a Heinie?

Hey, Renise.

Hey, Ted, I'm just gonna go upstairs real quick. Okay?

Hey, thanks for picking me up. Man.

Hey, Tucker.

Hey, Warren, I think I found your baseball.

Hey, watch your mouth. She's a great gal, Mary.

Hey, what are you doing tonight? Do you think you wanna, I don't know...

Hey, what do you say we go out and grab a couple of pops before you go to work?

Hey, you wanna go upstairs and watch Sports Center?

Hey, you want your pizza? Here. Man.

Hey, you!

Hey, you're a little worked up. Let me do the talking.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Come on. Want a go?

Hey. Hey, you were on the front line.

Hey. Hey. Take it easy. Cut it out. What the hell are you doing? Take it easy.

Hi. Hon. Just straightening up.

Hi. Mary. You look really pretty.

Hi. Ted.

Highway rest areas.

His friends would say "Stop pining, there's other girls to look at"

His friends would say "Stop whining." they've had enough of that

His friends would say, "Be reasonable" His friends would say, "Let go"

His name's Pat. Met him at the driving range.

Hold on a sec.

Hold, please.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Holy Shit. Jimmy Shay, is that you?

Holy shit. Look. Look. There's Warren.

Honey, where is Puffy?

Honey, your strap's broken.

How about you? How did you manage to stay single all these years?

How about you? The big L?

How are you?

How could you do that, Ted?

How could you have some guy you don't even know spy on me?

How could you see her at a convention?

How do you know that I'm right?

How the hell did you get the zipper all the way to the top?

How the hell do you think I got rid of the last guy. Brett?

How'd you know that?

Husband: negative.

Hyperactive little fuckers too.

I already know it, Mary.

I am a little psyched.

I am.

I brought him a baseball. and I was just trying to give him a present.

I brought you a little thirst quencher, Mag.

I couldn't believe it. She knew my name.

I delivered a pie to her and she answered the door in her nightgown...

I did it because I never stopped thinking about you.

I did once. I called. She wasn't listed.

I didn't do it. He got in the way.

I didn't wanna trick you.

I don't even know how you found me. Let's not forget. Here.

I don't feel good. I feel nervous. I really feel nervous.

I don't get it. I don't know what you're... Healy...

I don't know what that is.

I don't know why anybody would wanna bounce around...

I don't know.

I don't know. Boredom?

I don't know. Dom.

I don't know. It looks like... l think it's a little bit of both.

I don't know. It wasn't like it was a well thought out plan.

I don't know. Maybe a few months in Nepal.

I don't think so. What are the odds of that, one in a million? Jesus.

I don't want a drink.

I don't want Mary to... I don't want her to hear.

I don't watch the new ones.

I feel bad, you know. The poor thing. she's in a wheelchair for God's sakes.

I feel sick.

I felt like I was gonna die.

I get a high from helping all God's creatures.

I get a little stressed out.

I get caught for everything.

I got a date tonight with that Mary girl I told you about.

I got a great practice. I like the people I work with. And Warren.

I got an anonymous letter.

I got in the car with my friend. and we just...

I got it stuck.

I gotta get up at 6 a.m. and help my boss's brother move into his apartment.

I guess I just wish they made movies like they used to make.

I guess I still have feelings for her.

I guess it seems that women today are more impressed by the almighty buck...

I guess it was a rest area. I was just kind of shaking. And...

I guess she packed on a few pounds over the years.

I had my window?

I had to change my name, I had to go to court. I moved.

I have a friend in the Boston Police Department.

I haven't even wanted a beer.

I haven't seen you since...

I haven't swung the wrenches in a while.

I heard he got a scholarship to Princeton, but he's going to Europe first to model.

I heard she's going with some guy named Woogie.

I heard this rumor that this guy I like was gonna ask me...

I just need two minutes.

I just wanna get you drunk so you'll pass out...

I just want you to be happy. Mary.

I just wanted to let you know I'll have your car back to you in a couple hours.

I just wondered if maybe you were going to the prom. And...

I kind of, you know...

I know this doesn't make sense to you, but I can't just turn it off that fast.

I know what you mean. I've been standing in the same spot for five and a half hours.

I know. I know, I know. Does anybody have any pliers?

I know. It sickens me.

I let my head get in the way of this one.

I lied to that poor girl.

I live with my folks up in Pompano. Hey.

I love her. Man.

I love Mary. Man.

I mean. crushes don't last for 13 years, right?

I mean. He should've been a first round draft pick.

I mean. He was so cute.

I mean. I didn't know anything about the guy. I hardly know him.

I mean. I know it sounds crazy...

I mean. Jesus Chris, it's creepy. Okay?

I mean. Lately I've been feeling like...

I mean. Let's face it.

I mean. None of them love you. Really.

I mean. That's not real love. That's...

I mean. What's the story? Are you married? Do you have kids?

I mean. You stole all of my shoes.

I mean. You're a murderer.

I mean. You're in therapy thinking you blew it with the greatest girl ever...

I only went out with him a couple times. but, you know, just the thought of that...

I ran into this guy I haven't seen since high school.

I recommend next time you're up that way...

I remember Mary.

I said seven. Nobody's coming up with six.

I said you got a big...

I say none of us leaves this room...

I see.

I sent my assistant to his apartment with his last check.

I shouldn't be putting this all on you. I'm sorry.

I smell like a gin mill?

I stole her from you? What are you talking about?

I think Harold and Maude is one of the greatest love stories of our time.

I think he needs some male help.

I think I should have a talk with Magda here.

I think that Joe Montana is, like. the most underrated quarterback.

I think you're gonna need one tonight.

I thought about it, but I got too much of a good thing going on here.

I thought that was part of your kick.

I thought you said she was a real spark plug.

I thought you said she was a real spark plug.

I told you 20 times you're not welcome here anymore.

I took a job offer.

I unleashed the psycho on her. She's gonna be fucking pissed.

I want a guy who can play 36 holes and still have enough energy...

I want you to level with me.

I wanted to talk to you about your friend Patrick.

I was going out to pee. I'm walking in the bushes...

I was in a weird place then. Mary.

I was in and out of the hospital in a couple of weeks.

I was just fucking with him, right. Ted? You know.

I was worried about you.

I was worried about you. I thought that...

I was... I decided to...

I went home that night, shaved my beard. And a week later...

I work with retards.

I'd love a brewski if you got one.

I'd say about a deuce, deuce and a half. Not bad.

I'll feed you and Bill soon. Come on. Honey.

I'll get you her number as soon as she gets back from Japan.

I'll see you, Mary.

I'll tell you some stories about this weirdo.

I'll tell you what. I'm gonna set you up with my new assistant at work.

I'm a Niners fan.

I'm a phony. Just like you.

I'm a pizza delivery boy.

I'm fucking with you. Ted.

I'm gonna hold you to that.

I'm gonna kiss you.

I'm gonna take Warren back inside. I'll see you at school.

I'm her brother.

I'm in town to play the Dolphins, you dumb ass.

I'm just having a little fun with the guy. It's prom night.

I'm just saying, there's a lot of psychos out there.

I'm making you feel nervous? Nervous? What's that?

I'm no architect. Don't be a putz, man.

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm not the architect you...

I'm okay. I'm okay.

I'm only waiting seven minutes total.

I'm so lucky to have you as a friend.

I'm sorry, buddy. It's just, you know, you're taking this all wrong.

I'm sorry.

I'm talking sausage hot dogs. Beer. Not lite beer, but beer.

I'm Ted Stroehmann. I'm here to take Mary to the prom.

I'm tired of talking about stalkers. Let's talk about you.

I'm...

I've been going out with a loaded gun.

I've got a vibrator.

I've gotta...

I've paid him enough money. I'm not paying until the job gets done. He can kiss my ass.

If everything else falls apart...

If he likes him. Honey, then you've got yourself a keeper.

If I may, I have a proposal.

If Puffy starts yapping. He's a loser.

If she's as special as you say. she's gonna wanna hear...

If you let me talk to you for one second outside of the truck.

If you're not happy with the first seven minutes...

In his mid 20s and again in his early 30s...

In the future, do a little research before you send a guy like that out into the woods.

In their totalitarianism, so to speak.

Is he good looking?

Is he looking at you? What is he...?

Is she looking for a corpse? You have to be specific when you write.

Is that hair gel?

Is that right? Good for you. Sully.

Is that...?

Is this...? Okay. Is this a vestibule. Or is it a portico?

Isn't that a little politically incorrect?

Isn't that the San Francisco treat?

It must be wonderful having all this.

It now be emphasized

It was just dumb luck, really.

It was not a big deal at all.

It was you.

It was.

It was. But it's over. I think. So it's good.

It.

It'd be great. but I sort of already have plans tonight.

It's about two people connecting, having something in common.

It's beautiful.

It's been a long time. I bet you've changed a lot over the last 13 years. Haven't you?

It's coming from you always skipping out on your tab.

It's easier to succeed. You know. when your head is clear.

It's fine. A little crazy in the afternoon.

It's him. It's him.

It's just a job. Really. Something to keep me moving.

It's just like pulling off a Band Aid.

It's just that I think you should be careful with this guy. That's all.

It's just that this is a little bit heavy. that's all.

It's like shooting fish in a barrel.

It's like you're dreaming about Gorgonzola cheese...

It's not like that, Magda. You know. It's like that movie Harold and Maude.

It's not true. Right, Ted?

It's quite a fine example. In fact.

It's that stalker. Ted.

Jane. Can you get the door for Tucker, please?

Japan? What's happening in Japan? Why is she going to Japan?

Jeez. Mary. where are you gonna find a gem like that?

Jeez. You know. I feel like a royal shit because I set you up with this guy.

Jesus.

Jesus. Do you remember five years ago when your kidneys failed?

Jesus. It's just the humidity down here or something. Come on.

Jesus. Man.

Jesus. That stuff will fuck your head up.

Jesus. You know what? This shit doesn't even taste good to me anymore.

Just because you didn't get her. You didn't have to blow us both out of the water.

Just leave. Okay?

Just let her go into the darkness

Just like a nice. You know. Nice. Big, oversize waffle cone...

Just one pair. You owe me that. you heartless bitch.

Just till I get my PGA tour card.

Just would not shut up. I mean, just...

Keep the change.

Kind of a mook. A schlep.

Knock yourself out.

Last time I had a Pap smear...

Leave him alone. He's just got a big appetite. Right, Warren?

Let go of him. Get down from there.

Let go.

Let her go into the darkness

Let her go, let her go. Let her go

Let her live for all the things there

Let me ask you a question. When you smoke a cigar...

Let's go. It's over.

Let's have a look at it.

Like a drug dealer?

Like I'm gonna try to figure out some guy...

Like. We could go together. The two of us.

Like...

Listen to this one.

Listen, once he gets into that MTV, he'll be there for quite a while.

Listen, you can't touch his ears unless he trusts you. I'm sorry.

Listening to perfect strangers' telephone conversations.

Look at her.

Look closely at this picture

Look closely at this picture

Look what he did at Notre Dame. It's so ridiculous.

Look.

Look. After you've had sex with a girl and you're lying in bed with her...

Look. Come on, man.

Look. Come on, man. You're a real glass is half empty kind of guy.

Look. I know it was brief. but it was definitely love, Dom.

Look. I know that you guys have got a job to do. All right?

Look. I'm sorry to bother you again. but you got change of a dollar?

Look. It's just that something struck me as strange about him last night.

Look. There's something I have to tell you.

Look. Tucker, thank you. I really appreciate you looking out for me.

Look. We're all in love with Mary.

Look. Your brother Jimmy never gave a shit about you anyway.

Looks like I double jumped you. Warren, for the win. Pay up, big guy.

Looks like we found your Mary. Ted.

Looks like we got a jock on our hands.

Loser?

Love can bring up hurt From way down low

Magda.

Magda.

Magda. Magda.

Man, it looks like you really cleaned up your act.

Man, they never look like you'd expect. do they?

Mary

Mary

Mary went to the prom 20 minutes ago with her boyfriend, Woogie.

Mary, cut the crap. What really happened with Brett?

Mary, honey. He's a psycho.

Mary, look.

Mary, wait. First of all. I didn't know that this guy was...

Mary, what did you say Pat's last name was?

Mary?

Mary?

Mary?

Mary? Is that...? It is you.

Mary.

Mary.

Mary.

Mary.

Mary's a fox? What are you...?

Mary's a fox.

Maybe I'll open up a can of whup ass on him.

Meaning?

Miami? What are you doing in Miami?

Mike, Eddie. Get down here quick. Bring everybody. Bring a camera.

More cleaning.

Mr. Perfect. Huh?

Mr. Stroehmann...

Museum, hospital for kids.

My friend says she's a fox. A surgeon fox.

My friend Tucker is upstairs. I want you to meet him.

My leg. Could you. Mary?

My real name's Norm.

My turn now. My turn.

My wiener.

My. A deuce and a half. Huh?

Name's Norm.

Needle nose. Otherwise? Anything?

Neighborhood watch. Is that what we're calling it?

Nepal.

Nice muffs.

Nice swing.

Nineteen months I've been straight.

No

No harm. No foul.

No one's gonna tell me who I can and can't work with, right?

No onions. How are you doing?

No way. That's way too creepy.

No, I can't.

No, I didn't catch it.

No, I haven't seen your baseball.

No, I mean. Are they putting up some sort of a new museum in town. or...?

No, I was thinking along the lines, maybe, of somebody like an architect or something.

No, I was watching the birds.

No, I'm looking for a guy.

No, it's okay. I got a little disc thing, but it's all right. Here we go.

No, just down the street. the Celinto Catayente Towers.

No, listen, I'd really... I'd like to.

No, no

No, no, I said butt plug. She's heinous.

No, no, no.

No, no, no. I haven't walked down that plank yet, no.

No, no, no. We already... We got...

No, no, no. We already... We got...

No, no, she's never been. That's the good news.

No, no. I mean you and me.

No, no. My name's Brian.

No, seriously. If you think about it. they have plenty of sweets.

No, thank you. I'd love a Bundt cake if you have one.

No, that's okay, I'll do it. I mean. If you think he can hold me.

No, there's only one thing to do here.

No, we don't, but, you know, I could bake some.

No.

No.

No.

No. I didn't...

No. I'm not...

No. No. I'm nothing.

No. No. No. Not six.

No. No. Ted. The bad news I got is about our friend Healy.

No. Some guy gave me a couple bucks to track down his high school girlfriend.

No. You know what? I don't need any. Really.

None for me. Buddy. I don't drink any more.

Not in months.

Not until I get something to remember you by.

Not very long, but I like him.

Now I can take him to movies...

Now I'm good. Strong like bull. Really good.

Now we're just gonna back it up.

Now. Exactly what the hell is the situation? What. Did you shit yourself?

Now. If you were a loser...

Now. Mary. I know this is tough...

Now. What exactly are we looking at here?

Oh, by the way, there's someone there to see you.

Oh, come on. Relax. Relax.

Oh, did you...?

Oh, for God and heaven's sake!

Oh, fucking animals.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Not Mary again.

Oh, great. Just my luck.

Oh, hey. Hal.

Oh, hey. Hi, Warren.

Oh, hi. Mary.

Oh, I see. Okay, yeah. Whatever you say. "Brian."

Oh, I wish.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, Magda.

Oh, man. I gotta go.

Oh, man. This is like group therapy or something.

Oh, Mary. Oh, Mary, you got this all wrong.

Oh, my dear friend. Please sit. Please.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. He doesn't flog the dolphin before a big date.

Oh, my...

Oh, my...

Oh, no.

Oh, pain. Pain. Pain

Oh, Sully.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, thanks. The guy said it was tan and taupe.

Oh, the big. Bad beer's gonna get you.

Oh, the hitchhiker?

Oh, yeah, dirt bud. and I'm going with Cyndi Lauper.

Oh, yeah, it's cool for them. but for me, it's much more than that.

Oh, yeah? Hey, they look great.

Oh, yeah? So she's a little...? She's a little chubby?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. And you were right, man. She really is something else. My God.

Oh, yeah. It's Mary. All right. The brother. Warren?

Oh, yeah. That makes a lot of sense. Why would I rat myself out?

Oh, you're gonna go with. Like, a bunch of people. or...?

Okay? I mean, come on. You're liberated. I feel liberated.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Fine, we'll go over it again. I...

Okay. Get out.

Okay. Hey. What does it look like today?

Okay. I'll do it.

Okay. I'll just get you a regular.

Okay. Norm.

Okay. Okay. Just take your time. It's all right.

Okay. Okay. Ted.

Okay. We had fun for a while.

Okay. Well. Here's the catch.

On your ear.

One, two. Three. Four. Five.

One, two. Three...

Or the...?

Or you could blow off that jerk you're going out with tonight...

Or, I mean. Whatever. If you didn't...

Pat Healy.

People get hurt that way.

Please. Mary. Don't listen to him.

Pop, you wanna get me a whiskey sour when you get a sec?

Prom?

Puffer doesn't like bad guys, does he?

Puffer, come on. Boy.

Puffer?

Puffy!

Puffy!

Puffy! Puffy! Puffy!

Puffy. Puffy.

Put that down.

Real psycho, this one.

Really?

Really?

Really? Are you an architect?

Really? So she hasn't changed at all. Huh?

Really? That must make it really tough.

Really? Where did you study?

Really? Where would I have seen your work?

Remember Mary?

Remember that gorgeous, corn fed white boy, honey...

Right.

Right. Yes. Okay, all right. I see where you're going.

See the Sarene boys on Route 1 in South Brattleboro...

See, hon? I told you he was gay.

See, I realized something today. I'm no better than any of these guys.

See, the important thing, doctor...

See, your friend Tucker was lying about a couple of other things.

Seven chipmunks twirling on a branch...

Seven, man, that's the number.

She has it. except she doesn't call it a baseball.

She moved to our little Rhode Island town from Minnesota two years earlier.

She rents the apartment next door. Her husband died a couple years ago...

She's a great gal. Take care of her.

She's a what?

She's an orthopedic surgeon. and...she's still a fox.

She's got another name for it.

She's in a wheelchair? Mary's in a wheelchair?

She's more beautiful than I remember. She's perfect.

She's not in Japan. She has no rug rats running around.

Sheila. Honey, you gotta come here. You gotta see this.

Shit, look at that. You better be careful. Boy.

Shit. This isn't fair. Jesus.

Shut up.

Signed by Tony Conigliaro.

Slow things down a bit. read more books. See more movies.

So anyway, school ended a couple of days later...

So how the hell did you meet Mary?

So how's everything?

So I chili dipped, three putt at the 18th. I lost it six ways.

So I pulled off the road and I just sort of stopped in this...

So I was wondering, I don't know if maybe you wanted to and... Or not.

So I worked all summer to pay off those debts and...

So she's...? She's married?

So that's it? You get one bump in the road and give up?

So then in '94, I went back to Dade Community College for a semester.

So when you say killer. You mean...

So yeah. I was just out on my lunch break with Warren. It's crazy.

So you admit it?

So. What are you doing here?

So. What are you...?

So. What is he like?

So. What's going on with you? You a salesman, or...?

So. What's up?

So. What's your name?

So...

Some of my best friends didn't know my name.

Somebody who can do it anywhere and just leave at a drop of a hat.

Somebody's gonna have to move that station wagon so I can get in.

Sort of like tuna.

Sort of like tuna.

Stalker, huh?

Stalking motherfucker.

Stalking motherfucker.

Step into my office.

Sully. It's me. Healy. What's going on over there?

Sully. Look at you.

Sully. What the fuck happened?

Sully. You were never an alky. You were a cokehead.

Sure. Yeah.

Sure. Yeah. Hey, Docky.

Take a little bit of this.

Take a look at what this numbnuts did.

Te...? Oh. My God. Ted.

Ted and Mary like before

Ted, don't pay attention to anything he says. He's a laugh a minute.

Ted, don't you want the name of the housing project?

Ted, I should have told you. He has a thing about his ears.

Ted, I'm dying.

Ted, I'm not dying, man. Come on.

Ted, I'm the kind of guy who likes to shoot from the hip.

Ted, if you love them so much. please, be my guest.

Ted, Ted. Ted. It's okay. We believe you.

Ted, this wasn't your first time. Was it?

Ted, you gotta finish that novel so you can quit that stupid magazine.

Ted?

Ted?

Ted?

Ted.

Ted.

Ted.

Tell her the truth about Healy. Blow the schmuck out of the water.

Tell you what.

Tender facial tissue left of L7.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks for picking up the lunch tab, Mare. Sorry I forgot my wallet.

Thanks, doll.

Thanks, Mary.

Thanks, Ted.

Thanks. I like your colors.

That explains why she's got an unlisted number...

That grandmother of yours is really something.

That he should have some fun He's suffered long enough

That hitcher was about to cut your throat before you decided to take a piss.

That is a medical fact. And the reason for it is that you're no longer trying to get laid.

That is amazing.

That kid has really... He's really blossomed, you know?

That poor dog.

That seems like an awful lot of speed to give one little pooch.

That sounds great. Yeah.

That vicious strain of genital herpes?

That was fun.

That was, what?

That. Yeah. In addition to many other things.

That's all you got. Pal?

That's because true love is not nice

That's because true love is not nice

That's Bill. Don't worry. I fed him last week.

That's bullshit, man.

That's cute. I don't buy it. But it's cute.

That's from A to B.

That's fun. Huh, Warren?

That's good.

That's great. Woogie. I mean. I'm glad you're doing better.

That's like going out there with a loaded gun.

That's my ad. Print it up.

That's Norm. He's a pizza boy. He's in love with Mary too.

That's probably how he got his victim to drop his guard.

That's right. Mary. You know I'll always be true to you.

That's right. That's good. That's good.

That's true.

That's very funny.

That's what I want.

That's what I was doing. I was just peeing.

That's what this is about? The hitchhiker?

That's what you're looking for, is it? A farter?

The Cardozo.

The guy's walking the streets. I'm kissing him.

The hope you gave Freddy the leper in Calcutta."

The landlady said when he came back...

The most honest moment in a man's life are the few minutes...

The only thing I knew was that you were a fake...

The orphan babies who cried in your arms in...

The problem is. we found your friend in the car.

The sweetest guy in the world.

The teeth. The teeth. I got them capped.

Then I think I saw it right behind your ear.

Then you must have studied under Kim Green.

Then you're in trouble, huh?

There was a baseball here. I swear.

There you go.

There.

There's a disabled schmuck who's in a wheelchair. He's coming back.

There's a handicapped guy. he's got an electric wheelchair.

There's just something about Mary

There's just something about Mary

There's nothing more sexy to me than a guy with a mouthful of big pearly whites.

These are the people you live amongst. You got a right to know if they're creeps.

They have lollipops. they have Fudgsicles. They have Popsicles...

They went away for a little while, but then you came back in my life. Milady.

They're just fixated on you because of how you make them feel about themselves.

They're the bathhouses of the '90s for many, many. Many gay men.

They've tried to set him up With Tiffany and Indigo

Think about it. He never even looked her up down there.

Think about it. You walk into a video store. see 8 Minute Abs sitting there...

This creepy guy who...

This girl really means something to you. Huh?

This guy runs a little hot, but he gets the job done.

This is a pretty nice place.

This is amazing. This just blows me away.

This is an important job, neighborhood watch is.

This is Mary's stepfather. Charlie. I'm Sheila. Her mother.

This is my house. Here.

This only picks up cellular phones in a half a mile radius.

This pad. Those killer wheels.

Those are the plays of the month. Thank you for joining us.

Those goofy bastards are just about the best thing I've got going in this...

Tight little package: affirmative.

Time, she's up.

To find her, follow her around. She won't know anything.

To hell with Brett. You know?

Told you. She moved with her family to Miami.

Touché.

Tough to keep up with in a wheelchair, I bet.

Trick me into feeling something for you?

True love is just not civilized

True love is not nice

Try not drinking so early in the morning because you smell like a gin mill.

Trying to do the kid a favor.

Tucker, everything's okay.

Tucker.

Tucker.

Tucker. This is my friend Pat Healy.

Tucker. What happened to your crutches?

Turn her over to a violent stalker.

Twice last year. Which building is yours?

Unfortunately. the bodies were so badly decomposed...

Unless. Of course, somebody comes up with 6 Minute Abs.

Wait a minute. do I sense a chill in the air?

Wait a minute. You knew those people back at Harvard.

Wait a minute. You two should be kissing my fucking hairy beanbag. You know?

Wait. Brett? Are you saying that Brett didn't say those things about Warren?

Wait. How many is this?

Wait. Wait.

Wanna know mine?

Warren! Warren!

Warren.

Warren. Put him down now.

Warren. Warren.

Warren. Warren. Warren.

Warren. Warren. Warren. Hold it.

Was Mary a little big boned back in high school?

We can do that.

We don't have to do anything. Because. look. I can just wear this over the front.

We had a deal. You said you wouldn't fuck me and I wouldn't fuck you...

We'll be right back with more Cops, live from the heartland.

We'll delve into that next week.

We're dicks.

We're gonna be buying bananas tonight.

Well, have you been to...?

Well, he implied it.

Well, he was a really great guy.

Well, here we are.

Well, his friends say "Look, life's no fairy tale"

Well, his friends would say He's dreaming and living in the past

Well, how the hell did you get the beans above the frank? I mean...

Well, I got news for you.

Well, I know he's a little different. but that's what I like about him.

Well, I may have been blowing a little smoke up your ass there, Mary.

Well, I mean. I have.

Well, I try to be. But it's tough going with all the crap they make today.

Well, I'll try to be a little more careful.

Well, I'm a chiropractor. she's an orthopedic surgeon.

Well, I'm bisexual. So that's hard for a lot of guys to understand.

Well, I'm gonna go hit some golf balls and hook up with Warren...

Well, I've got a little more news about your friend Healy.

Well, is that a yes or a no?

Well, it's an interesting thing that happened. I...

Well, it's obvious. The system sucks.

Well, it's probably for the best. After 13 years...

Well, it's up there.

Well, jeez...

Well, just calm down. Everything's going to be fine. Don't worry.

Well, let me see.

Well, let's just say the kid's limber.

Well, listen, it's not the end of the world. These kind of things happen.

Well, love will make you do...

Well, once.

Well, she's back with her old boyfriend

Well, that I couldn't say. Let me ask you something.

Well, that's what I said.

Well, that's what I'm trying to figure out. How long have you known him?

Well, the good thing about writing is you can do it anywhere.

Well, the hell with that.

Well, there's just something about Mary

Well, they may know About domestic and imported ale

Well, to tell you the truth, I'm sort of burnt out on talking about it.

Well, you know, maybe...

Well, you know, you are a writer, and writers are artists.

Well, you know, you shit out a bunch of kids...

Well, you look great. You look really good.

Well, you were right. I was uptight. I was...

Well...

What a fox.

What about Brett Favre?

What am I gonna do? I'm supposed to meet this guy in an hour.

What are the chances I could get you to give me a little autograph?

What are they, desperate? She's a whale.

What are they, desperate? She's a whale.

What are you doing here?

What are you doing leaving the yard? You're not supposed to leave by yourself.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you saying?

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

What are you...? You know what? Forget it. Just forget the whole thing.

What did I tell you the first time we met?

What do you mean, clean the pipes?

What do you think this falls under? Is this art deco. Or is it art nouveau?

What do you want? You want something else?

What happened to...? You said she was single.

What hotel are you staying at?

What if the families don't want a class action?

What is that?

What is the difference?

What kind of dog is Puffy?

What letter?

What the hell do you want?

What the hell were you thinking?

What the hell's going on here?

What the...?

What the...? Hey.

What was his name? Pack man.

What were you trying to do?

What?

What?

What? No. You know what? I got an idea. Look. Look. I can just...

What. Are you fading? You wimping out on me?

What. Did she scam you out of some insurance dough?

What. That he was a murderer?

What's his face?

What's so crazy about that?

What's that supposed to mean?

What's the matter with you? Stop it.

What's up with your head?

What's up. Doc?

Whatever happened to Mary?

When you're looking at architecture, try to visualize the buildings as a whole.

Where are you going?

Where the hell did it go?

Where'd they find the body?

Where's the rest of it, Warren?

Whiskey sour coming up.

Who the fuck do you think you are, making that shit up about me?

Who the hell is Woogie?

Who told you that? Sully, it's one... It's a lite beer.

Who works out in six minutes?

Who?

Who? Roller pig? Are you nuts?

Who? Roller pig? Are you nuts?

Why can't I ever get a girl like Mary?

Why I did it?

Why the hell are you going out with a schlep?

Why you two never hooked up is beyond me.

Why's that?

Will you marry me?

With little red stitching?

With Rice a Roni.

With who?

Woogie from Bore ington High? Sounds like a loser.

Woogie?

Woogie. How many times did I tell you this at Princeton?

Woogie. I caught you red handed.

Woogie. I did not come back into your life. Okay?

Woogie. I'm asking you to leave.

Woogie. You know you're not supposed to be within 400 yards of me.

Woogie. You're starting to make me a little nervous.

Woogie's got a sense of humor.

Woogie's only, like. All state football and basketball and fucking valedictorian.

Would you like a little clam dip, doll?

Would you mind giving me some pointers here?

Wow. Are those blueprints?

Wrong. It's because you ain't got the baby batter on the brain any more.

Yeah, I cured all sorts of horrible illnesses in Third World countries.

Yeah, sure, 8 Minute Abs. yeah. The exercise video.

Yeah? I was thinking of doing that.

Yeah? Well. Fuck you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Brett seemed so sweet.

Yeah. But when you quit the nose candy. you gotta quit the booze too.

Yeah. Guilty as charged.

Yeah. I called him. Mary. I told him to pick up Warren and get down here.

Yeah. I know. I do. In fact, you know...

Yeah. I'd like to bounce around for a while and do some traveling.

Yeah. If you want a designated driver...

Yeah. It was hard at first, but I'm there. I'm there.

Yeah. It's true, but it's not...

Yeah. Let's just relax here. Okay?

Yeah. No problem. I've been driving for like 15 hours straight...

Yeah. One you can hook on to the clothesline and he can run back and forth...

Yeah. Pufferball likes it when I rub his belly.

Yeah. Real chum.

Yeah. Since...

Yeah. Sure. Don't talk in someone's backswing.

Yeah. Ted from Rhode Island. Ted.

Yeah. That's good.

Yeah. That's what I'm telling you.

Yeah. Warren. Bucking bronco. Okay.

Yeah. We have a lot in common.

Yeah. Well. This is gonna blow that right out of the water. Listen to this.

Yeah. Well...

Yeah. Whatever.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I do. Ted, because I got some bad news.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. ASAP.

Yeah. You gotta bend a little bit, or believe me. You're gonna break.

Yes.

Yes. Very good query, Mary. Well done.

Yes. Well. Don't get all gooey on me. Now. You're gonna give me a big head.

Yes. You noticed, huh? These are called love blisters.

You all right. Warren?

You already laid the tracks. That's the hard part.

You already put a fucking nick in my piano.

You are a lucky son of a bitch. you know that?

You are looking very beautiful.

You choke the chicken before any big date. Don't you?

You ever had a whitehead on your eyeball, Mary?

You forgot your keys.

You fucking son of a bitch. I'm gonna fucking kick your ass.

You got that nervous hive thing again?

You gotta learn to have a pop once in a while or you're gonna fall off the wagon.

You gotta take a look at this thing.

You guarantee it? How do you do that?

You have to say "Seeking deaf mute with, you know...

You heard of this thing, the 8 Minute Abs?

You hot shit. You look fucking pisser.

You just can't take the fact that it was my turn.

You know how I like braces.

You know that guy?

You know that I have actually been through nine years of intensive psychotherapy.

You know what I'd like to see? I'd like to see more meats in a cone.

You know what Tucker said Brett told him?

You know what you gotta do. You gotta call her.

You know what you should do? Hire a private investigator.

You know what? All the same. I think I wanna call her.

You know what? That's not even it. The point is. I just...

You know who I miss? Those guys in Boston.

You know, classics like The Karate Kid or Harold and Maude.

You know, fun stuff.

You know, he's been in there over a half an hour.

You know, I always pick guys from what I feel in here.

You know, I feel like an idiot.

You know, I read somewhere that most women...

You know, I think I'm just gonna quit while I'm ahead.

You know, if it wasn't you who sent the letter and I never sent it...

You know, in Nepal. the villagers there called me kin ton ti...

You know, kindred spirits.

You know, maybe you should just. Like, move down here and marry me.

You know, Pat does projects all over the world.

You know, rest areas are homosexual hangouts.

You know, sometimes I wish I could be like Magda and not go home.

You know, Stroehmann, you are so full of shit.

You know, the guy even told me. The hitchhiker told me it was illegal, so...

You know, there really does seem to be a lot of skin coming through there...

You know, try to see them in their natural state.

You look different. Did you do something with your hair?

You look...

You mean I'm free to go?

You okay?

You pay. I'll pour. In that order.

You probably did it yourself. you piece of shit.

You put me through a lot of bullshit, okay?

You really helped me. You were right.

You really should look her up, Ted. I mean. She's a real spark plug, this one.

You remember? The malaria, the typhoon fever?

You said it, mister. I gotta run.

You see that girl over there?

You sent that?

You sent the letter.

You stole her from me. and now I want her back.

You sure? You want a cookie? Something like that? Honey. We got cookies?

You want in?

You were right. But right now. I'm actually running behind...

You won't even get your heart going. Not even a mouse on a wheel.

You would not believe all the pussy down here.

You, sir, have got a fucking guardian angel. You come here.

You... You are so full of... Look at this place.

You'll learn to feel something for him." But...

You're a fucking liar.

You're actually... You're thinking like a girl, and girls love that.

You're beautiful. And you've got money, and you trust people.

You're being a fanatic.

You're getting crazy now. Why would I cross the line?

You're goddamn right it don't.

You're gonna fry.

You're gonna pay, fucker.

You're gonna tell me you didn't write her an anonymous letter...

You're not buying what?

You're not gonna believe this. We got a kid down here...

You're not that far ahead, Ted.

You're not thinking about going out with this guy again?

You're too good to be true. Come on. Let's go dance.

You're working for him. Aren't you, you little shit?

You've been to Nepal?

You've heard of mail order brides, haven't you?

Your car seats are making me itchy. Man. What are these made out of, cactus?

Your friend Tucker stopped by.

Yup, it is.

7 minute abs

49ers. All the way.

A surprise? Yeah, it's the architecture exhibit.

An old flame? Kind of. Ted Stroehmann.

And. What. Did he ever go to jail. Or he's...? Yeah, in Boston.

Architecture exhibit? Yeah.

Are you familiar with the soccer stadium? Did you build the Estadio Olímpico?

Are you okay? Not to worry.

Are you okay? Oh. Yeah, I'm fine.

Are you sure it won't kill him? I never said that.

Are you yelling at me in my own house? No.

Bake some. Bake some Toll Houses. Oh. Great. Yeah, yeah.

Baseball? What baseball? I had a baseball. I know he likes baseball.

Border terrier. Border terrier. Like Benji.

Brett? What the hell is Brett Favre doing here?

Bundt cake? Bundt cake?

Bye. Cool. Catch you back at school.

Charlie. You could have warned me. Keep it down.

Chocolate chip or butterscotch? Let's go with the chocolate chip.

Christ. What the...? God. You okay?

Closer? Don't be afraid. It's all right.

Come in here. Honey. No. No, don't.

Come on, get up, fat boy. Let's go. Hey, Smokey, take it easy.

Come on. You gotta hear this. What?

Come on. You want something to eat? Not hungry.

Cool. See you. Bye.

Couple more nitrate sicles. Please. Two corn dogs coming up.

Cover yourself. Cover yourself. Shit!

Deco. Deco. Yeah. Yeah.

Did you get your degree up there? You bet.

Do something. What do you want me to do?

Do you want some water? No, I'm good.

Do you work here. Or...? Yeah, no, this is my office.

Does he bite? A little bit.

Does he bite? Nips.

Doesn't cramp your style? Sadly, no.

Don't bust my chops. I know it's corny... Pat. I'm not kidding.

Ear? No, your left ear.

Ever been? What?

Everything. You know. Oh. That's fine.

Exactly. I'm telling you, this year. It's the 49ers.

Excuse me. Oh. Sure, sweetheart.

Four. Four?

Frank and beans. Warren, you just ate.

Fuck! Really?

Get up. Man. Warren.

Giddyup. Giddyup. That's fun.

God, I couldn't live with myself. No, I mean...

Good point. Seven's the key number here.

Good. Good.

Good. How are you? I'm fine, thank you.

Have you seen my wiener? What?

He broke it. I saw.

He broke the table. Son of a bitch.

He doesn't like bad guys. Is that right?

He spent... I don't know how long. He got out?

He was masturbating. People, please move out of the way.

He's a lucky bastard. Yeah, well.

He's a murderer. Yeah. Like, an actual convicted murderer?

He's an architect too. Come on. Yeah. Architect?

He's got a lot of energy. Yeah.

He's great. I have a lot of fun with him. Yeah.

He's only 230. huh? Yeah.

Healy. Come here. Come here, come here.

Hello there. Oh. Christ.

Hello? Hello?

Hello. How you doing? Hey. Hi. Good. How are you?

Here, you want the sports page? Thank you.

Here. Fine. Good. What's going on?

Hey, fuck you. Fuck you.

Hey, good luck, Brett. Yeah. Thank you.

Hey, guys. Hey, Mary.

Hey, shoes off. What the...?

Hey, surprise. Hey, peace. Man. Come on.

Hey, Ted, what are you doing, man? Ted. Ted.

Hey, Tracy, how are the twins? Fuck you, Norm.

Hey, wait your turn. Sorry. I didn't get a...

Hey, Warren, did you say hi to Ted? About 10 times.

Hey, Warren, see you later. Okay, goodbye. Ted.

Hey. Good. How are you? It's good to see you.

Hey. Hi, Warren. Hi, Ted.

Hi, doll. You're in my light. Sorry.

Hi, Mary. Hey, Mrs. Bailey. How you doing?

Hi, Ted. Hi, Mrs. Jensen. How are you?

How are you, buddy? I'm fine.

How are you? I'm... How are you?

How many are we talking here? Hitchhikers? My whole life?

How much coffee did you have tonight? None.

How we doing over here? Okay.

I am? Yeah. Didn't they tell you?

I can go to the prom, deal with it later. Son. Relax.

I can't believe that he remembers you. Piggyback ride?

I didn't do it. It's all right. It's all right.

I don't... Okay, I got all the information you need.

I feel like a dog. Don't worry about it. It was fun.

I got some excellent news for you. Oh. Yeah? Excellent?

I gotta eat something or I get the shakes. We'll eat in 20 minutes.

I gotta fix my dress. I'll help you, honey.

I knew I could do it. I see. Here, let me get the door.

I mean. Everybody has a bit of... Ted, I'm fucking with you.

I mean. Not after 19 months. Exactly.

I swear there was... The bathroom is that way.

I think proms are dumb. I thought maybe we could go together.

I think your life's about to change. Really? So you found her?

I thought we were going to dinner. We will, but I have a surprise.

I was peeing too. Yeah, I'm sure you were all just pissing.

I would go for the 7. Yeah. Bingo. Man. Bingo. 7 Minute Abs.

I'd be there in a second. I'd sell it.

I'll call you. Okay? Hey, Earl.

I'll see you around. Okay.

I'm Detective Stabler. This is Krevoy. Look, I didn't solicit any sex, okay?

I'm gonna go get a soda. You want one? No, thanks.

I'm gonna start my own company. Really?

I'm in the yard now. I'll hide. Okay, go hide.

I'm in. Me too.

I'm just gonna... I'm gonna... So are you going to the prom?

I'm standing here with Mary Jensen. No, no, now it's Mary Matthews.

I'm Steve Tyler with The Troubleshooters. Oh. Yeah. Hey.

I've been thinking about what you said. Good. Good.

I've never even been to Jersey. Okay, okay. Just take it easy.

Into the truck. Get in the truck. Look, I still have to pee. I wasn't...

Is it the frank or the beans? Right.

It means you change your mind too much. No, I don't.

It's a bunion. It'll heal. Bunion? You... I thought...

It's amazing. Yeah.

It's his fault. He hit me with that stuff. Here, let me help with that.

It's you I'm worried about. You're worried about me?

Just be careful. Fucker.

Lenny. Come here. Who...?

Let's go. Can I have a cup?

Let's go. Let's move it out. Let's go. In the truck. Everybody.

Little more wine? Sure.

Look who's here. There she is.

Man. Don't do anything rash now, buddy. Who the fuck is this guy?

Mary, the guy's full of shit. Jesus. This sucks.

Mary. Mary. No, no. Stop.

Move out of the way. None of this ever happened to Woogie.

My God. Are you all right? Killer.

My real passion is my hobby. Really? What's that?

Neighbors said they heard a lady scream. Well. You're looking at him.

Nice meeting you again. You too. Again.

No onions. No onions.

No, I didn't mean that. Yeah, yeah. I'm going down the street...

No, I mean... We got this one kid. Mongo.

No, no, I wasn't... I wasn't... Mom, wait.

No, no, it's stupid. What? Come on. You can say it.

No, no, no. No, okay.

No, no, no. Don't bake any. No, that's a good idea.

No, no, no. You don't have to. You don't... No, really.

No, really. It's moronic. Just say it.

No, really... Oh. My God.

No. Are you crazy?

No. No, you're not. Why?

No. Sheila, honey?

No. Sorry.

No. I've done this a thousand times. Okay.

No. No. Dodged a few bullets. Yeah?

No. Woogie. Yeah.

Oh. Are you sweet. No, I'm not.

Oh. Come on. Mom.

Oh. For crying out... No, Dad. Just give him a minute.

Oh. I resigned. Good luck in Miami, Pat.

Oh. It's a pleasure to meet you. Patrick. Same here.

Oh. It's okay. The guy who... You don't look very handicapped to me.

Oh. Jesus. Ain't it a beaut?

Oh. My God. We hit the mother lode. You guys...

Oh. Yeah. Sure. I'm a...?

Okay, guys, let's huddle up. Come on, Jimmy.

Okay, I... I'm sorry, Mrs. Jensen.

Okay, kid. Listen, I'm coming in. Okay? No, no. Don't.

Okay, let's roll. All right, folks, it's over. Go home.

Okay, sweetheart. Okay. It's okay, Warren. It's okay. Here you go.

Okay, well. I don't... It's okay, Ted. You don't have to.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Bye. Doll. May I make a suggestion?

Okey doke. So tomorrow night? Sure.

Pat is an architect as well. Oh. Really?

Pick you up at 8? Sure.

Piggyback ride. Piggyback. Warren, stop it. Leave Ted alone.

Please. Move. This is serious. People. He was masturbating.

Quiet. Sheila.

Ready? Yeah.

Really, you don't... It's... No, it's fine. Don't worry about it.

Really? Yeah.

Really. She loves this kind of thing. Really?

Remember. No rock? You had your window. Ted. You blew it.

Right, yeah. That's bullshit.

Right. Right. Just didn't need that.

Say it a little louder? I'm sorry, but it was.

See you later. Goodbye.

See? Yeah.

Senior prom. That's right. Senior prom.

She's a friend of mine. Oh. Sure she is.

She's blackmailing you, right? Blackmailing me? No.

So I went out and I got him a leash. A leash?

So I'll see you tonight. Right? Sure.

So one day. Mongo gets out of his cage... What, they keep him in a cage?

So you're a writer. Yeah, well, I'm trying to be.

So you've been out here all night again? Bet your ass I have.

Something nice to the wife and kids. What?

Stone crab time. Let's go to Joe's, huh? Hey, Tucker.

Sully? Hello?

Sure. All right. Good.

Take care now. Bye, guys. See you.

Ted, are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine. Everything's okay.

Ted. He was masturbating.

Thanks for walking us back. Yeah, no problem.

Thanks, Mary. You're welcome, Zack.

That he was getting weird on her. I got 20 bucks that says you're full of shit.

That sounds horrible. It was... Yeah.

That's fun, huh. Warren? He's a real Clydesdale, isn't he?

That's my girl he's kissing. But you just slept with me.

That's strange. Yes, I thought so.

That's the way us Healys were raised. So where the hell are you, Healy?

The museum? Yeah.

The sawbones? Yep.

The Super Bowl? Yeah.

They're changing their image. Yeah, well, listen.

Think about it. 7 Elevens. Seven dwarfs. Seven, yeah.

This is a raid. No. No, no, no. I was peeing.

Too bad you don't live here, Ted. Yeah?

Touchdown. Hi, Mary.

Tucker. Hello. How are you?

Tucker. Behave yourself. I'm sorry.

Unfortunately. This is not a social visit. Really? What's up?

Warren. I didn't realize. You know?

Warren. Warren, come here. Stop.

We got a bleeder. Keep the pressure on it. Keep it on.

We gotta get out of here. Wait a minute. Hey. Hey.

We haven't seen each other in so long. No, it's just I feel really bad.

Well. It's just an enclosure. No, but they keep him confined?

Well. They go that way too. Mary's a...?

Well. They go that way too. Mary's a...?

Well... You gonna smoke that?

What are you doing here? Well. That's a funny story.

What baseball? There was a... It's right...

What do you mean? I mean I'm a fucking fraud.

What do you mean? What...? Well. I mean, is it the...?

What happened to Woogie? She said she broke up with him.

What is he doing down there? Oh. No. I...

What is it? What? No.

What the hell are you doing? Here, here. Mary. Come around here.

What the hell are you talking about? Mary? My Mary?

What the hell did you just say, buddy? Wiener?

What, do you think your shit don't stink? No, I don't think... I mean, yes. It doe...

What? I mean. You didn't...

What? What?

What? Yes.

What? You heard me.

What? You heard me. Goddamn it.

What? No. I don't know what to say. What are you talking about?

What...? You're good, Ted. Real piece of work.

What's that bubble there? What do you think? It's a...

What's the matter with you? I was trying to give him the baseball.

What's your name? No, I...

Where are your offices? Mainly. I work out of Boston.

Who is it? It's Tucker.

Who is that? Hi. It's Ted.

Who? Big guy. Goes to Barrington High.

Who's Freddie? Me? Yes, you.

Why would you do something like that? I'm not handicapped. But the guy who has...

Why? Because you're fucking fired.

Will you marry me. Mary? I would love to. Jimmy.

Woogie? Ted and I had one date.

Woogie? Woogie.

Yeah, I'm doing okay. Doing okay?

Yeah, well, I guess this is it. Huh? I guess.

Yeah, yeah. Can I use your bathroom. Sir?

Yeah! Fight, fight. Fight! Fight. Fight. Fight!

Yeah? I'm a salesman.

Yeah? Yeah. Start fresh in a new place...

Yeah? You getting any? Nothing.

Yeah. Great. I could use some.

Yeah. See. That's great.

Yeah. Sounds cool.

Yeah. Those guys back in Boston?

Yeah. You're the biggest stalker of us all. You're gonna stand here and tell me...

Yes, indeed. Ted, help yourself. I don't think I'm gonna have one.

Yes, you don't see many meats on sticks. Absolutely not.

You all right? Punk.

You and I were already broken up. You're Woogie?

You and me? Yeah.

You are. Aren't you? You got me pegged.

You crossed the line, man. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Man.

You know him? He's my brother.

You know, I really should take your card. Sure.

You look good. Thank you.

You okay, Warren? Mary, have you seen my baseball?

You okay? What the hell is wrong with you?

You okay? Yeah.

You ought to tell him to watch his mouth. Jerk.

You seen my baseball? Yeah, yeah. I seen it.

You think? Oh. Yeah.

You want a g****? A g****? Sure.

You want her dead. Don't you? Dead?

You want me to get those for you? No. I have to learn to do this myself.

You want me to pour you one? Thanks, but I have to be going.

You were following us. Don't flatter yourself. I was following her.

You're dead, motherfucker. Okay. Take it easy.

You've seen my baseball? Well. If it's a big white one?

Your turn? Yeah, that's right. My turn.

...3 pound cock and trust fund."

...A baseball.

...a little kind of... A little foofy. A little. You know...

...a man was apprehended not far from where you were arrested.

...about the things you did.

...after he's blown his load.

...and a...

...and after Princeton. I decided, "You know what? Be cautious.

...and decides. Once and for all, who she really wants.

...and her father got transferred to Florida in July.

...and I can give Mary a good rogering.

...and I don't think she likes being alone, so. You know. She just hangs out.

...and I made up everything else.

...and I started thinking about Mary. and all of a sudden...

...and it turns out that getting your dick stuck in your zipper...

...and right here on Jefferson Boulevard in Warwick. You'll be...

...and right here on Jefferson Boulevard in Warwick. You'll be...

...and subsequently he confessed to the murder you're being held for.

...and there's plenty of room for him to dig and play.

...and they've never heard of an architect named Patrick Healy.

...and you haven't heard squat from her in 13 years.

...and you're bound to put on a few pounds.

...and, wow. That was it for me.

...baseball games.

...because Puffy used to bark his balls off whenever he saw him.

...but they don't have any other meat on sticks.

...but you really will be doing them all a great favor to tell them the truth about us.

...but. I don't know. maybe I can help her out.

...can you tell us his name?

...crazy world.

...do you ever pretend it has balls? You know, like go:

...Dom tells me you're looking for some lady friend you knew back at school.

...eating lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch.

...everything you need to know about that guy in about two seconds flat.

...For 1995.

...fucked up things.

...give up the architect game.

...go out to dinner? You know, catch up on old times?

...he kept talking about falling for some doctor named Mary.

...he was suspected of homicides in the states of Utah and Washington.

...I don't wanna fall off the wagon. No.

...I'm laid out in her office with a broken back.

...if you really ask them honestly, have tendencies towards...

...is you have to distance yourself as much as possible...

...it just didn't happen.

...l trip over this guy. and there were all these cops and...

...l would like to apologize to you for any pain or temporary inconvenience...

...long walks in Coconut Grove, marriage."

...or social standings or age.

...Patrick R. Healy graduated to armed robbery by the age of 14.

...she's probably gonna think I'm a stalker.

...should we be listening to this?

...so I could use the company.

...so I'm gonna find some Bactine. Honey.

...so I'm gonna wait and see what happens there.

...so try to get some sleep.

...so we don't bust his chops too much.

...stuffed full of chopped liver. Chopped liver.

...telling her about our whole deal together?

...than some schmo who's spent 17 years scraping by on Peace Corps wages.

...that he would have popped the question a long time ago.

...that you drop in and take a ganders at it yourself.

...that you just dumped like yesterday's garbage?

...that you may have been caused.

...that you're not nuts about this girl?

...the guy needed leather gloves and an oyster shucker.

...the state was forced to release him.

...there wasn't enough evidence to hold him. And so on and so forth.

...there's 7 Minute Abs right beside it. Which one are you gonna pick, man?

...this is not that big a deal.

...tight.

...to get coffee. Wait. I'll get you the coffee.

...to take me and Warren to a ball game and eat hot dogs.

...until our young Mary here stops jerking us around...

...until we got this fuck out of the fucking picture.

...was the best thing that ever happened to you.

...we're gonna send you the extra minute free.

...well. I never saw Mary again.

...when it's clearly Brie time, baby.

...which means "noble man who is loved by many animal...

...who sent it?

...who, in kind, he loveth too."

...whose idea of courting is blowing farts in her face.

...without pissing this psycho off.

...would they have found a donor with a tissue match so quickly?

...you insensitive prick.

...you know. If they had their own condo in Nepal.

"How's my stomach taste." she says.

"Mary. Grow up. You have so much in common with this guy.

"Seeking sensitive Wasp doctor to share candlelit dinners...

"You could tell her about the irrigation ditches you dug in Sudan.