Caddyshack (1980) Edit

A gopher!

A gopher? Where?

A looper?

A looper. You know, a caddy, a looper...

A lot you fucking know, D'Annunzio!

A thousand bucks you miss that putt!

Actually, Judge, I think it's up to us to pick a substitute.

Ahoy, polloi. What did you just come from, a Scotch ad?

Ain't that right, sir?

Al built our condo in Palm Beach.

Al, if you keep busting your hump 16, 20 hours a day...

Albert Einstein gave me this.

All he needed was a little time and some practice.

All right, everybody. It's time to christen the sloop!

All right, kid, take your time.

All right, kids! Rise and shine! Let's go, everybody!

All right, maybe you are a little bit.

All right, place your bets! Here we are!

All right, show yourself, you little varmint!

All right, Smails, that's 80 grand. Now fork it over!

All right! Let's move out. We've got golfers waiting.

All right! You've got it!

All right. I'll be right up.

All right. Stand up!

All right. Well, I'm still willing to marry you!

An underachiever.

And he called me a baboon. Thinks I'm his wife.

And he says, Oh, there won't be any money...

And I say, Hey! Lama!

And I'll take Ty.

And kiss his ass!

And put on some weight, will you?

And tell the cook this is low grade dog food.

And that's all she wrote.

And this is your grandson, huh? Oh, wonderful boy!

And this is your saliva line.

And you're rather...

And... when you're finished...

Another Rob Roy, Bishop?

Anything would be good. Well, I'm going to clean this up.

Anything. Who's your decorator? Benihana?

Anything. Who's your decorator? Benihana?

Anyway, the good Lord would never disrupt the...

Are we still having tea?

Are we waiting for these guys?

Are you flipping out?

Are you going out with me tonight, Maggie?

Are you going to eat your fat?

Are you kidding? When I was your age,

Are you my pal?

Are you religious or something?

Ask Wang. He'll tell you. We just bought property...

At the end of his four years, the last semester, he was kicked out.

Aw, forget about it. I'm just kidding.

Aye, sir! Very clear, sir!

Back!

Bark like a dog! I will teach you the meaning of the word respect!

Be the ball.

Biggest whore on Fifth Avenue, I'm told!

Bishop Pickering, Dr. Beeper, this is my niece, Lacey Underall.

Bless this ship and all who sail on her.

Bob Hope.

Both of them.

Brown nose!

But I am studying this stuff, so I know it... you know... like...

But, seriously, no b. S...

Buy Bushwood! You...?!

By height.

By the way, what did Mr. Webb shoot this morning?

Caddyshack!

Can I have a drop? Just a drop... myself?

Can I have a word with you? In private.

Can I say something to you?

Can I use your phone? I have a call.

Can you give me a ruling on this?

Can you make a shoe smell?

Cannonball it right back...

Carl Lipbaum died last week in summer school from a severe anxiety attack.

Certainly, Your Eminency.

Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers...

Colored boy?

Come on out, Noonan!

Come on, girls! Enough with the hair!

Come on, honey. Let's go, huh? How are you, boys?

Come on, Maggie. You're just saying that.

Come on! I'm asking.

Come on! One more hole!

Come on. You're an ace. Everybody knows it!

Come to Carl, varmint.

Come work with me. You can bus tables.

Condos over there! Plenty of parking.

Could be in the market... or on a game show.

Couldn't we just arm wrestle or something?

Cut that off!

Daddy wanted to broaden me.

Damn your eyes, man!

Damn!

Danny is an employee of the club.

Danny saw me naked!

Danny. I'm going to give you a little advice.

Dead people? They don't want to be buried nowadays. Ecology, right?

Depends on what's underneath.

Did you brush your teeth?

Did you get out yesterday?

Do you have a pool?

Do you know we're giving another caddy scholarship this year?

Do you know what gophers can do to a golf course?

Do you know what I just saw?

Do you know what the Lama says?

Do you mind, sir? I'm trying to tee off.

Do you take drugs?

Dog food? I'll show him dog food!

Don't count that! I was interfered with.

Don't do it, kid!

Don't do it! I didn't do that!

Don't even think about it!

Don't go to any trouble.

Don't let me down, Billy!

Don't mind this. This is doctor's orders.

Don't play games with me.

Don't put yourself down, Al.

Don't smile at me a lot, okay?

Don't touch it!

Don't worry about this one. If you miss it, we lose.

Don't worry. It's good luck.

Don't you have homes?

Don't you see it?

Doodie!

Double turds!

Driver, please.

Duck?

Eighty thousand dollars!

Ever! They're like the Viet Cong. Varmint Cong!

Every day.

Excellency... fiddlesticks!

Excellent round, son!

Fifty bucks more says he eats it.

Fifty bucks the Smails kid picks his nose.

Find your center.

Fine shot.

Fine! $40,000 apiece!

Fire her up.

Five on Mr. Czek.

Fooling around on the course. Bad language.

For me, there's a subtle perfection in everything I do.

For not being pregnant!

For this young Cinderella who has come out of nowhere,

Fore!

Forget it. I didn't think you'd understand.

Forty thousand dollars... Billy!

Four or five.

Freeze, gopher!

Full steam ahead! Over there. I want to go over there!

Gambling is illegal at Bushwood, sir, and I never slice!

Gee, I had better food at the ballgame!

Gentlemen, this match is all even. Final hole. Doctor, you are away.

Gentlemen, we all know this is illegal and against club practice...

Get a tow truck over here and have it hauled away immediately!

Get back there! What do you think you're doing? Get off of here!

Get back, you idiot!

Give me a coke.

Give me some.

Give me the Mets and three and I'll take the Yankees even.

Give me this. Take it easy, will you, Ty?

Go ahead. It's nothing.

Go ahead. Right back.

Go do it now! No more slacking off!

Go for it.

Golf? Nixon plays golf.

Good luck, sucker.

Good. So what's the problem?

Goodness...

Gophers! Gophers! The little brown furry rodents!

Got to do my doctor thing.

Great big gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts.

Great grammar.

Guess I'm a little overdressed, huh?

Guess you'll just have to keep beating yourself.

Gunga galunga Gunga gunga la gunga.

Have you heard the latest one...

He almost killed my wife with his damn club!

He can't work and play, particularly in something as illegal as this!

He decided to go to college instead.

He hauls off and whacks one. Big hitter, the Lama. Long!

He looks like Dick Cavett.

He made a fortune in physics.

He said there were only two girls and they were both nuns.

He tried to choke me! You saw it.

He was a brown nose, Lou! You hated him.

He was a funny guy.

He was hungry.

He went for four years. Did pretty well.

He'll never come through on anything. He'll quit the game.

He'll never play golf again...

He's a Cinderella boy.

He's a good guy. Don't be obsessed with your desires, Danny.

He's about 455 yards away. He's going to hit about a two iron, I think.

He's going to get that training bra back here real soon. Who's in here?

He's got a beautiful back swing. That's... oh! He got out of that one!

He's got about 195 yards left, and...

He's got to be pleased with that. The crowd is on its feet here.

He's not a member, Grandma. He's a caddy!

He's not going to work at the lumber yard!

He's on his final hole.

He's out.

Hear nothing. Feel nothing.

Hello, Mr. Gopher! It's me, Mr. Squirrel.

Here you are, kid. Park my car. Get my bags.

Here, take this for yourself.

Here, take this for yourself.

Here, take this thing off. This is dirty.

Here's an uncashed check for $70,000.

Hey, baby, you're all right.

Hey, Bigfoot, don't trip in the water!

Hey, Cary Grant. You want to get high?

Hey, doll, could you scare up another round for our table?

Hey, doll, how are you, huh? You live alone?

Hey, I think you and I ought to go outside and have a little talk.

Hey, Judge, cheer up, will you?

Hey, Judge, give someone else a chance! You lucky devil!

Hey, Judge! Double or nothing he makes it!

Hey, kid, I'm Al Czervik.

Hey, look at that!

Hey, Mr. Gopher?

Hey, Mr. Webb. Can I ask you something?

Hey, Rabbi, nice seeing you. Folks how are you?

Hey, Ringo, play something hot, will you?

Hey, save me a toke!

Hey, thanks a lot!

Hey, that's a joke! I'm kidding. Give me the driver.

Hey, this is ridiculous. Let me carry that one.

Hey, tiger, here. Keep it fair, will you?

Hey, wait a minute! That's only 50 cents!

Hey, waiter, here. This is for you, all right? Oh! Captain Hook!

Hey, Wang! What's with the pictures? It's a parking lot! Come on.

Hey, we're all set to go. You know my friend here, don't you?

Hey, we're both starving. When do we eat?

Hey, what kind of shit is this?

Hey, where do we tee off?

Hey, where's the bar? Let's have some drinks here.

Hey, Whitey! Where's your hat?

Hey, you guys, cool it!

Hey, you scratched my anchor!

Hey, you two should get a room, you know?

Hey! Can you make a bullshot?

Hey! Great!

Hey! My buddy!

Hi, Maggie. How was it?

Hi, Mama.

Hold on, Danny. I think I let you have, what, $2.50 yesterday?

Hold on, Judge! That's my office. I better get going.

Hold on, son. Are you trying to make time with my best girl?

Honey, if he doesn't have something lined up by September...

Honey, who is this?

Hooray for the Douglases! Oh, Jonathan! Bad boy!

How about a Fresca?

How about a little something, you know, for the effort?

How about teams for $20,000? You can have Dr. Frankenputz.

How about we go swimming?

How come you're here?

How do I do it?

How do you measure yourself with other golfers?

How hot I can get you.

How many cokes?

How much is that?

How was what?

How would you like to mow my lawn?

However it happened, he was a good caddy and a good kid.

I almost got head from Amelia Earhart!

I beg your pardon!

I bet they'd love a great shopping mall right here!

I bet you slice it into the woods. A hundred bucks!

I can see he's out, numb nuts!

I can't believe the way you hit the ball, sir. You really covered it.

I can't foot the bill for everything around here, so don't ask for money.

I can't pay you. Lou has to.

I could break the club record.

I could put some stick um on there for you. It's my fault.

I demand satisfaction!

I did not throw it. It...

I didn't think so. No, the thing is, do you want to go to college?

I didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.

I don't believe anybody's home.

I don't believe it.

I don't blame you. You're a tramp. Oh, that was a good one!

I don't have the swimwear. Besides, I've never swum.

I don't hold you responsible!

I don't know about that place anymore. I talked to a guy who went there.

I don't know.

I don't know. Did you have to take that Cooter Preference Test...

I don't play golf for money... against people.

I don't think I can handle that.

I don't understand it! I'm playing the worst game of my life!

I don't want to see another caddy body in this pool!

I enjoy... skinny skiing...

I figured a college bound fellow could use a few extra dollars, huh?

I figured as much! Hey, Moose!

I get no respect from anyone!

I guess I don't.

I guess it couldn't have been that great, then.

I guess it's just a matter now of...

I guess the kidding around is pretty much over, huh?

I guess you don't!

I had a couple of burgers and some cokes for lunch.

I hate myself. I'm gonna get that scholarship.

I have a little poem I'd like to read in honor of this occasion, if I may.

I haven't even told him about the scholarship I didn't get.

I heard something about that, sir, but my grades in high school...

I hope that means both of us.

I invented my own kind of grass, too. Did you know that? Look at this.

I just want you to know that because of this...

I kind of slept here last night.

I kind of thought winning wasn't important.

I knew you'd do it!

I know I've made some mistakes in the past. I'm willing to make up for that.

I know why you came here tonight.

I know, but just guess. Eighty? Seventy five?

I like you, Betty.

I mean it now!

I mean, he's been Club champion for three years running,

I need a drink. Nice meeting you.

I never want to see that man here again!

I notice you don't spend too much time there.

I noticed your grips were worn, sir.

I once knew a guy who could have been a great golfer. Could have gone pro.

I owe it to my folks to get that scholarship.

I owe you nothing!

I planned to go to law school after I graduated, but...

I really don't do this very often.

I saw Smails before. He was cheating.

I saw that! That's about 10 bucks and change!

I see it in court every day.

I should have mentioned it to you before.

I should have yelled two!

I smell varmint poontang, and the only good...

I swear I didn't tell anybody anything, sir.

I talked to Pete Scalary last night.

I tell you, country clubs and cemeteries...

I tell you, I never saw dead people smoke before!

I tell you, this steak still has marks where the jockey was hitting it.

I think I have enough butter now.

I think it's about time somebody teaches these varmints...

I think someone is giving you the big eye!

I think they're tunneling in from that construction site over yonder.

I think this place is restricted, so don't tell them you're *******, okay?

I thought you'd be the man to beat this year.

I told you to cut the long grass on the 13th and mow the practice green!

I told you! Today is the day we change the holes!

I tried calling, but they don't have a listing for Mr. Wonderful.

I want a hamburger.

I want a hot dog.

I want a milkshake.

I want the entire pool scrubbed, sterilized and disinfected!

I want to be good!

I want you out of that pool at once!

I want you to kill every gopher on the course!

I want you to meet Chuck Schick. He's clerking for me this summer...

I was born to lick your face.

I was born to love you.

I was born to rub you...

I was hoping to squeeze in nine holes before this rain starts.

I was just loosening up a bit.

I was unavoidably detained.

I will, sir.

I would lug 50 pounds of ice up five, six flights of stairs!

I'd keep playing. I don't think the heavy stuff is going...

I'll be right back.

I'll be the head greenskeeper...

I'll bet you've got a lot of interesting stories...

I'll bet you've got a lot of nice ties.

I'll call you back.

I'll drop by. You drop by my place any time.

I'll give you asthma!

I'll give you nothing! Absolutely nothing, you understand!

I'll just do the same thing, but with gophers.

I'll kill you!

I'll make some drinks for us all. We'll talk about it. Come on.

I'll pay for your lunch and I'll, uh, pay for the umbrella.

I'll play.

I'll put my best man on it!

I'll see you at the table. I'll sign your card.

I'll see you two tomorrow morning on the golf course!

I'll shoot you 18 holes for 10,000 bucks.

I'll slack you off, you fuzzy little foreigner...

I'll slap an injunction on them so fast it will make their heads spin!

I'll take Smails if nobody wants him.

I'll teach you.

I'll tell you what. Let me have the Coast. Any Coast!

I'll tell you what's real satisfying. Cash!

I'll tell you, son. My main satisfaction...

I'll work my way down.

I'm a very qualified... acupuncturist.

I'm afraid you forfeit.

I'm all right and nobody worry about me.

I'm an assistant greenskeeper.

I'm calling the police!

I'm christening my new sloop.

I'm Danny Noonan.

I'm getting a little tired of this. Gentlemen, it's about time we...

I'm getting ready for the season.

I'm going to enjoy this thoroughly.

I'm going to have it! I've already decided!

I'm going to law school, too.

I'm going to put it right on the line.

I'm going to show you.

I'm going to use you guys to do my dirty work for me.

I'm going to.

I'm having a little party at the Yacht Club this Sunday.

I'm in big trouble.

I'm infallible, young fellow!

I'm just going to eat these,

I'm just here to make your last hours on earth as peaceful as possible.

I'm looking at you. You wore green so you could hide.

I'm no doorknob, either.

I'm not going to let you go through this alone!

I'm not making it up!

I'm not sure where they are.

I'm not talking. Stop talking.

I'm playing with Drew Scott today and this is my guest, Mr. Wang.

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you can't come.

I'm sure going to try, sir.

I've always been fascinated with the law, sir.

I've felt grass like this before. I've played on this stuff.

I've got a good idea.

I've got a more important job for you.

I've got my own standards, my own way.

I've got pounds of this stuff.

I've got to get inside...

I've got to go to college. I've got to!

I've just got to win that caddy tournament!

I've never done that.

I've often thought of entering the priesthood.

I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber.

If he bothers you, I'll take care of him.

If he's as good as he says he is, he's got to play me to prove it!

If I can just make this one.

If I could just borrow a wedge or something and...

If they drop a fork, you give them another one.

If you find anything that doesn't look like it...

If you win, I'll make it worth your while.

If you've got the guts.

In Haiti!

In Nebraska? Besides, it costs like $8,000 a year.

In one physical model of the universe, the shortest distance...

In this case, my enemy is a varmint, and a varmint will never quit.

In this place? Good luck!

Is that it? I think it is!

Is that so? Who made you Pope of this dump?

Is this a family business, or what?

Is this Russia? This isn't Russia, is it?

Is this your place?

It might look pretty good on a young fellow's application.

It might not be yours. Okay?

It must be a nice change from dreary old Manhattan.

It slipped!

It was an accident! It slipped out of my hands.

It's a birdie!

It's a good idea. Next time be more careful!

It's a little harsh. Here. Cannonball it!

It's about 30 bucks plus tips.

It's easy to grin when your ship comes in...

It's easy. You fill the water glass, replace the butter.

It's good. You don't know how to do it.

It's in the hole!

It's just a bush. Don't even look twice at it.

It's just that my dad can't afford it.

It's my problem. I can handle it.

It's no big deal!

It's not my fault nobody can understand what you're saying.

It's really awful.

It's the best, man. I got it from a n****.

It's the big rub.

It's yours.

John, you take the Bish.

Judge Smails invited me at the club.

Judge Smails, sir, can I talk to you?

Judge Smails, sir?

Judge Smails, Smails the Third, Dr. Beeper and Bishop Pickering.

Judge! Come on, let's be adults here!

Just a harmless squirrel.

Just a little more oil.

Just let it happen. Be the ball.

Just relax. Find your center.

Just snake a tube down her nose and I'll be there...

Keep it.

Kids! Look, I'm terribly sorry this happened.

Lacey's mother sent her to us for the summer.

Late for what?

Let me have half a dozen of those Vulcan D tens...

Let me tell you a little story.

Let's go into the... patio.

Let's go to your office.

Let's go while we're young!

Let's go, Beeper!

Let's make it $40,000.

Let's not mess the place up. We can handle this in private.

Let's not... cave in too easy, huh?

Let's play golf!

Lf... you understand and abide by the rules of decent society.

License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations.

Listen, as soon as you guys get...

Listen, you were sweet and I'm sorry I was hard on you.

Listen, you're good deep down. I know you'll do the right thing.

Look at the wax build up on those shoes!

Look, I don't want to get married!

Look, sir, just bend a little that way and swing away and...

Looks like you're going to make a lot of money when you're older.

Lou raised the price of coke. He's been losing at the track.

Lowest score wins the hole in regulation match play.

Madonna with meatballs!

Make your future. I'm a veg, Danny.

Make yourself comfortable.

Make... make it!

Makes a lot of sense.

Man in a boat overboard.

May I escort you out, ma'am?

Maybe just open a curtain and I can just get out of here.

Maybe just open a curtain and I can just get out of here.

Me winning isn't! You do!

Mind if I play through?

Miracle, eh?

More like 68, I think.

Motor mouth, take Dr. Beeper.

Mr. Havercamp, your ball is right over here, sir.

Mrs. Crane, you're a little monkey woman, you know that?

Mrs. Havercamp. You go that way and it's right over...

Mrs. Havercamp. You need this.

Much better now, though.

Music is a violation of our personal privacy! He is breaking the law!

My boat needs exactly $20,000 worth of repairs.

My dad... never liked you.

My dinghy is bigger than your whole boat!

My foe, my enemy, is an animal...

My friend, you have no idea how happy this is going to make me.

My name is Fred and I'm just a man, same as you are.

My niece is the kind of girl that has a certain... zest for living.

My uncle says you've got a screw loose.

My, what a nice looking young man! You're from Bushwood, aren't you?

Natural spring.

Nice form.

Nice man.

Nice shot, Bishop. You must have made a deal with the devil!

Nice try.

Nitrogen...

No bare feet.

No fighting.

No fighting.

No, a cheeseburger.

No, actually, I'm a rich millionaire.

No, he's not my type.

No, I brought most of that stuff back from Vietnam.

No, I deserved it. I've been acting like a jerk.

No, I did not do that.

No, I don't want to stick to anything in here.

No, I was kidding.

No, I'm not, Grandpa! I'm playing tennis!

No, I'm not!

No, I've been a creep lately and I just can't help it.

No, I've never had that problem. Why?

No, look, I want to, all right?

No, Mr. Havercamp, the green is right over there. It's that way.

No, no! Nice shot! Right on the beach.

No, no. Dolphin.

No, that guy was Mitch Cumstein,

No, you don't!

No, you're not.

No. I can do it.

No. I'm happy! I'm not pregnant!

No. St. Copius of, uh, Northern...

No. You're in for half of $80,000.

Nobody likes a tattletale... except, of course, me.

Noonan... you can do it!

Not a plastic explosive or anything. Nothing to be worried about.

Not bad, huh? And I'll have 2,000 more units in the next two years!

Nothing to be alarmed about.

Now back this thing out of here right now!

Now I know why tigers eat their young.

Now I've done it. You get that way when you... Oh, I'm sorry.

Now, what the devil!

Now, who did you say the jerk was, jerk?

Now... Maggie's pants.

Odd, it is. Your honor... Your Honor.

Odd!

Of all the nerve!

Of course. You're the young man who wants to be in the Senate.

Oh, all areas. Personal privacy, noise statutes.

Oh, are you Roman Catholic?

Oh, Danny, this isn't Russia.

Oh, did somebody step on a duck?

Oh, God! That's all I need!

Oh, he doesn't keep score, sir.

Oh, how about the grand you owe me, huh?

Oh, I don't keep score, Judge.

Oh, I might, at that.

Oh, I, uh... play a lot of golf.

Oh, I'm hot today!

Oh, it looks good on you, though.

Oh, the graveyard is two blocks to the left, okay?

Oh, there's my phone!

Oh, Webb, I didn't see your name on the sign in sheet for the Club tournament.

Oh, yeah? When? How?

Oh, yes, I took it. They said I should be a fire watcher.

Oh, you want satisfaction.

Oh, you're a funny kid. What time are you due back in Boys Town?

Oh! My arm! It's broken!

Okay, Danny, this is for the Gold.

Okay, let's have a look. That might be a fractured ulna.

Okay, Pookie, do the honors.

Okay! I guess we're playing for keeps now.

Okay! You can owe me!

Open up. Come on.

Orange balls! I'll have a box of those...

Out! I said, out! Didn't you hear me?

Out! I want him out of here!

Ow! That hurts!

Pathetic? Maybe for you, Lacey.

Pay no attention to that bush moving around there by that tree.

People don't say things about you. As far as you know.

Picture the shot. Picture it.

Please! What's going on?

Pretty pathetic, Ty.

Put me down for five.

Put that steering wheel over here where it belongs...

Ratfarts!

Really? Are you going to Harvard?

Really? What areas?

Right in the lumber yard. It's okay. We'll work on it.

Right. If you need any more...

Rocco! Help the judge find his checkbook.

Save me a parking place!

Say, let's have a little bit of this. Look at this. Try it.

Say, you guys are brothers, huh?

Scum, slime. Menace to the golfing industry!

See you on deck, Senator!

See your future. Be... your future.

She's incredible!

Shut up! That means the caddy scholarship is available again...

Silver wings upon their chest...

Sing me a love song.

Sit down, Danny.

Smoking grass. Poor caddying.

So does your brain! You want to double it?

So I jumped ship in Hong Kong and made my way over to Tibet...

So I tell them I'm a pro jock and who do you think they give me?

So I'll give us both the courtesy of not reviewing...

So I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver.

So I've got that going for me. Which is nice.

So let's dance!

So we finish 18 and he's going to stiff me.

So what brings you to this nape of the woods... neck of the wape?

So what do you think?

So what you have to do, you have to fall back...

So what?

So when Mona died last winter, I said to myself,

So, if you guys want to get fired...

Something to be very proud of.

Son of a bitch.

Sorry about this mess. Let me just clean up here.

Sorry, Grandpa. I forgot.

Spaulding can play out eight holes.

Spaulding, get your foot off the boat!

Spaulding, this calls for the old Billy Baroo.

Spaulding! Get dressed. You're playing golf today.

Spaulding! How many times have I spoken to you about your language?

Spaulding! No!

Stop it. The judge will see you.

Stop thinking. Let things happen...

Stop! Stop!

Sure thing, Judge.

Sure thing. Shoot, Timmy.

Sure you don't need me for nothing?

Sure. Go right ahead. Are you getting in a late night or something?

Take my bag, huh?

Take one good guess.

Take over for me.

Tears in his eyes, I guess, as he lines up this last shot.

Thank you very little.

Thanks a lot!

Thanks for helping me back there. You're a good caddy.

Thanks for the dope.

That girl. Listen, I'd put that idea right out of your mind.

That is kind of incredible, sir.

That kangaroo just stole my ball!

That kid will eat anything!

That must be the tea.

That was right where you wanted it.

That would help.

That would work. I'm going to call you if I need that help.

That's a doozie, Judge!

That's a great shot.

That's a peach, hon!

That's a very in thing to say.

That's fine for me. That's good.

That's good, isn't it?

That's great.

That's it, then.

That's it!

That's it!

That's my brother! Give me a hand.

That's right, unless you allow him a substitute.

That's right. Or in the words of Jean Paul Sartre...

That's right. The only reason I'm here is maybe I'll buy it!

That's what they said about Son of Sam. You know something else?

That's your nephew!

That's your nephew!

The 12th son of the Lama.

The amazing stuff about this...

The Dalai Lama, himself.

The dance of the living dead!

The Douglases got fake brick. You don't have to paint it.

The flowing robes, the grace, bald, striking.

The harmless squirrel and the friendly rabbit.

The judge would like to see a caddy named Danny Noonan...

The last thing any of us need right now...

The last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it!

The man is a menace!

The match is for $20,000 each.

The most important decision you can make right now is where you stand.

The normally reserved crowd...

The Zen philosopher, Basho, once wrote...

Then do it, man!

Then split. Okay?

Then you ain't getting no coke!

There have been a lot of complaints already.

There is no God!

There it is!

There she is!

There's a brown Audi parked in my parking space.

There's a lot of... well, badness in the world today.

They invented the game there, except they call it gof...

They say for Italians this is skilled labor, you know that?

They say that doesn't mean anything until I'm the head greenskeeper.

They're all selling? Then buy!

This crowd is going deadly silent. Cinderella story. Out of nowhere.

This is a biggy!

This is a golf course, not a parking lot!

This is a hybrid. This is a cross bluegrass,

This is fine leather! I want that wax stripped off...

This is for you. Tell Ty Webb I'm gunning for him.

This is going to be sweet.

This is it! It's the Title!

This is it! It's the Title!

This is registered. Carl Spackler's Bench.

This is registered. Carl Spackler's Bench.

This is the Isle of Wight.

This is the worst looking hat I ever saw!

This is your fate line.

This is your wife, huh? Oh, a lovely lady.

This looks like it could be gravy.

This stuff is terrible.

This unknown comes out of nowhere to lead the pack.

To kill, you must know your enemy.

Turds!

Turn off all the sound.

Twice. I caddied for Ty Webb in the morning...

Ty, there's someone you must meet!

Uh... no... Homo.

Unbelievable!

Very funny. Why don't you get yourself a real haircut? Here, take this.

Very good!

Wait a minute. I've only got a little.

Wait up, girls. I've got a salami I've got to hide.

Want some?

Was that your ball I heard rambling through here?

Watch it, jerk!

We better start moving.

We built this club, he and I!

We can do that.

We don't even have to have a reason.

We'll just get married.

We're just about to tee off now.

We're waiting!

Well, anyway, today I just stick to real estate.

Well, don't just stand there! Go get some glue!

Well, he got out of that. The crowd is standing on its feet.

Well, he isn't going to be a caddy all his life, is he?

Well, hello! Surprise, surprise!

Well, I ain't paying no 50 cents for no coke!

Well, I have a lot of things on order. You know, credit trouble.

Well, I have been pushed.

Well, I, uh... oh, I will.

Well, I'll guarantee you'll never be a member here!

Well, I'm working on it so I don't ever have to, you know.

Well, if you didn't, how the hell did it get here?

Well, it's kind of difficult with you talking like that.

Well, maybe one drag, then I've got to go.

Well, pick it up!

Well, thanks for nothing!

Well, the world needs ditchdiggers, too.

Well, you can forget about the 13th and the practice green.

Well, you two look like a couple of boogies.

Well! Put it in the college fund!

Well! Put it in the college fund!

What about my asthma?

What are you supposed to be?

What are you, a diabetic?

What did you shoot today?

What do you do for excitement?

What do you mean?

What do you say we bust up this joint, huh?

What do you say, Al? Shall we press on?

What do you say, Ty?

What do you think?

What do you want to do?

What do you want to go to college for?

What do you want?

What does it mean?

What does it tell?

What does that sign say?

What has this buffoon done now?

What have you got in here, rocks?

What is this?

What is this? Hell's Angels?

What kind of grades do I need for this Caddy Scholarship deal?

What seems to be the problem?

What spelling did you use?

What you've got to do is cut the hamstring on the back of his leg...

What's that, Judge?

What's up, Doc?

What's wrong with lumber? I own two lumber yards.

Whatever you decide.

When are you going to get that haircut?

When you were my age, did you ever have trouble...

Where did it go?

Where did you go? Oh, hi, Carl.

Where is he?

Where?

Whip his ass, Tony!

Who are you? What's your name?

Who asked you?

Who do you want...

Who is that disgusting man over there?

Who is the gopher's ally? His friend?

Who says so? The match is a draw!

Who wants it, huh?

Why did I double it? I should have stayed home and played with myself!

Why don't we walk this off, sir?

Why don't you come on in and help me sort my holy cards first?

Why don't you drop by some time?

Why don't you give the St. Copius Scholarship people a call?

Why don't you improve your lie a little, sir?

Why don't you just scamper along now?

Why you got to give me a fight? Can't you just let it be?

Why, just ask my grandson, Spaulding. He and I are regular pals.

Why, this whole place sucks!

Why, you son of a bitch! I'll fix you!

Why?

Why?

Will you come and loofah my stretch marks?

Will you forget... the massage...

Will you get serious?

Winning the caddy tournament, for instance.

With my lips?

With the market these days, if you own anything but land...

Would you come with me, please?

Would you like a drink? Tuna Colada, perhaps?

Yeah, he's a good boy.

Yeah. Did you see my ball?

Yeah... me too. I'm late!

Yes, I do!

Yes, Yes. Winter rules.

Yes. I was getting really tired of having fun all the time.

Yes. To my room? I've got to work in the dining room tonight.

You ain't got it today, Noonan.

You beast!

You better put this on.

You buy a hat like this, I'll bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh?

You can call the chief of police! I built his condo!

You carry my bag.

You don't mind if I just pop in there for a few laughs?

You feel looser?

You get rid of those gophers...

You have to tell him every time he gets money in his pocket.

You have worn out your welcome, sir!

You know what for?

You know what this is called in the East?

You know who that guy was?

You know you're a disgrace. You're varmints.

You know, clubs, bags, shoes...

You know, I've often thought of becoming a golf club.

You know... buddies.

You lose it... buddy!

You might say that.

You missed just that one.

You must have been something before electricity, huh?

You never ask a navy man if he'll have another drink...

You owe me one gumball machine! What's that candy wrapper doing there?

You savage.

You see, my doctor told me to get out...

You shave your ass!

You should play with Dr. Beeper and myself.

You think you're cool, Danny.

You try it, Danny.

You want to make $14 the hard way?

You want to tie me up with some of your ties... Ty?

You want your driver?

You were in the war?

You were in the war?

You!

You! Angie! Pick up that blood.

You! You! You're no gentleman!

You'd be interested to know this uniform was given me...

You'll get nothing and like it!

You're a good egg, Noonan. She needs you.

You're blocking!

You're crazy!

You're going to love it. This is dynamite. Watch out for this.

You're here early.

You're looking lovely this evening, Mrs. Smails.

You're not a creep.

You're not a man. You're a Bishop, for God's sake!

You're not leaving this house until we settle the college thing!

You're not... you're not good. You stink.

You're on!

You're one of the lowest members of the food chain...

You're playing golf and you're going to like it!

You're probably so high already you don't even know it.

You're right.

You're very... small breasted.

You've been acting psychotically lately.

You've got them, Judge!

You've got to win this hole.

You've had it, Noonan! Come on, open this door!

Your ball is right over there. Go straight and you can't miss it.

Your father and I prepped together...

Your robe, Your Honor.

Your uncle molests collies.

No plans. Great!

What are you doing this Sunday? I...

...a flute with no holes is not a flute...

...a jock.

...a little lesson about morality...

...about the Jew, the Catholic and the colored boy who went to heaven?

...and a doughnut with no hole is a Danish.

...and about what it's like to be a decent upstanding member of a society!

...and all his weight is on his right foot...

...and anyone who's interested should go see Judge Smails.

...and be... the ball.

...and carry golf bags a couple of times a week.

...and get this out of here!

...and give me a box of those naked lady tees.

...and he'll be pushing everything off to the right.

...and I get on as a looper at this course over in the Himalayas.

...and I had doubles in the afternoon.

...and I want them creamed and buffed with a fine chamois...

...and I want them now! Chop chop!

...and I'll fill your bagpipes with Wheatena!

...and I'm no slouch, myself.

...and in order to conquer him...

...and just kiss me, you fool.

...and move my appointment with Mrs. Bellows back 30 minutes.

...and northern California sinsemilla.

...and set my friend up with the whole shmeer.

...and who are you going to be today?

...and you've got the stock market beat...

...are the biggest wasters of prime real estate!

...at night on this stuff.

...attractive for a...

...back from Little League, let's get some painting done on this house.

...beautiful girl with a great body.

...because all I do is cut lawns for a living.

...because his weight displacement goes back...

...because I've often asked myself...

...because it's nobody's goddamn business...

...behind the Great Wall. On the good side!

...best game of my life.

...between two points is a straight line...

...but I want you to know about it. It's like acupressure...

...but it's acupuncture.

...but the man worthwhile is the man who can smile...

...but when you die on your deathbed...

...but you were born to rub me first.

...by the Captain of the Links at St. Andrews from Scotland.

...deciding what you wanted to do with your life?

...gallons of water down there...

...gloves, shirt, pants.

...going to bullfights on acid...

...hopefully within six years. That's my schedule.

...how many drinks he's had already, right?

...I bet, are you, huh?

...I have to think like an animal. And whenever possible...

...I think you can still become a gentleman some day.

...I would expect. Don't you think?

...I'm going to ask Tom Burdick to put him on at the lumber yard!

...I'm still convinced that you have very fine qualities, and...

...if you all agree to waive all sanction against said referee...

...if you ever want to rap or just get weird with somebody.

...if you want to be replaced by golf carts, just keep it up.

...in a money match.

...in four or five hours. Testing now.

...in the opposite direction.

...is a lot of loose talk about her behavior.

...is going wild!

...is that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon...

...is working with young people like yourself at our new Youtheran Center.

...it looks like my folks won't have enough money...

...just straight up. That's fine. Great.

...Kentucky bluegrass, featherbed bench,

...looks like he's got about an 89.

...my roommate.

...on superior firepower...

...or badness.

...or I'll be looking for a new greenskeeper! Is that clear?

...over to your clavula...

...pumping about 15,000...

...right at the bottom.

...simply do not belong.

...so I won't have to feel guilty.

...soon as he comes in.

...take it home and just get stoned...

...that makes things happen...

...then one more of these right on top of it! Cannonball coming!

...these are men, America's best.

...they're going to lock me up and throw away the key.

...this dude's hole and crawl around for a few days.

...to look like one.

...to put me through college.

...to teach you a little bit of a lesson.

...until he passes the bar.

...varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang... I think.

...went to war together, played golf together.

...weren't actually all that outstanding.

...what happened yesterday.

...when his shorts are too tight in the seat!

...when you were a senior in high school?

...with the 15 year old daughter of the Dean.

...you could open a curtain, I could get right through that window, I guess.

...you don't have to stop seeing other people.

...you own a popcorn farm!

...you will receive total consciousness.

...you'll end up with a $60 million funeral!