Splash (1984) Edit

A guy down the beach runs people out to the island.

A pretty girl like you shouldn't wear boxer shorts.

A schmuck.

A wall clock, matching washer and dryer,

About a thing she saw

About a thing she saw...

About five minutes.

About not loving me anymore.

After the car, elevator, bedroom,

After you see them 400 or 500 times, the stuff sinks in.

Afternoon, Buckwalter.

Afternoon. You're home early.

Ah, all right.

Ah, come here.

Ah, do you speak English?

Ah, hi, hi.

Ah, I can't. I forget the words.

Ah, I was dropped off on the wrong side of the beach.

Ah, that was a kiss.

Ah, that's a good day's work.

Ah, yes. Well, I'm sure you are, Dr. Ross.

Ah!

Ah.

Ah...

Ahh!

Ahhh!

Ahhh! Ohhh!

Ahhh. Ahhh!

Alert. Alert. Table 5.

All my life I've been waiting for someone

All right, darling. You know where we are if you change your mind.

All right, get away!

All right, let's move out!

All right, Madison, this is getting scary.

All right. Move out.

All right. My name is...

All the way up on East 77th Street.

Allen Bauer. Speaking.

Allen, can you make me some pancakes?

Allen, don't feel guilty.

Allen, don't you want to see Cape Cod?

Allen, wait. I've got to get out early.

Allen, where are you going?

Allen, you're here! I got you a present.

Allen!

Allen!

Allen!

Allen!

Allen!

Allen!

Allen! Allen!

Allen! I want you to meet some friends of mine.

Allen?

Allen?

Allen?

Allen.

And a wooly jaw

And grow lonely, and I'm gonna die,

And he wants to do business.

And I wanna fall in love, and I wanna get married.

And I want to go see him play a tooth in the school play.

And I'll be surrounded by a bunch of rotten fruit.

And love was rare

And maybe, just maybe, we're his new produce suppliers.

And Mrs. Paul.

And now, we continue with Capitol.

And pick you up some clothes.

And she can't make it because of the flu.

And she sees America. It looks good.

And suddenly these rays came out of her eyes!

And they have to let you stay.

And this is Jill, a four letter word.

And top of the refrigerator, you were shy?

And when I find her, she's a fish.

And you do?

And you give us mermaids!

Anne Klein.

Any messages, Mrs. Stimler?

Any of you guys call for an Allen Bauer?

Anywhere but the first three rows!

Are we considering

Are we going back to where you live?

Are we gonna fold her in half and put her in a briefcase?

Are you an American?

Are you considering the possibility that you might be a sadistic pig?

Are you crazy? You want to create a national panic?

Are you from Cape Cod?

As love can be

As soon as you tell me, we can get married.

Augie brings me slimy cherries from upstate.

Augie, good to see you!

Augie, where the hell did you grow these things? Under your arms?

Back to the dock. It's only a few miles.

Bauer! Where are my...

Bauer. Thank you. Honey, what's up?

Bauer. Yeah. That's for her.

Bauer. Your brother told me about your unfortunate experience in Vietnam.

Be careful with that!

Because I didn't love her.

Because I love you.

Before the blood test, I have to tell you everything.

Behold the mermaid!

Believe me when I tell you this.

Besides, she can still do certain things around the office.

Bloomingdale's.

Bloomingdale's.

Bocci balls!

Bone crusher!

Both of you. You're both crazy!

Buried treasure?

But for God's sake, it's usually human!

But I do want to talk about what happened in the restaurant.

But I'm kidding myself.

But if we get the blood test today,

But more importantly, with fresh meat.

But she doesn't seem to understand.

But there was a fog upstate and the highway...

But when I was underwater, I could have sworn I saw...

But you are drunk.

By the time I came home, she was already gone.

Bye bye. Bye.

Calling them sons of bitches.

Can I have some then?

Can I help you?

Can't you talk?

Can't you tell now?

Careful with that.

Careful. Those are hot.

Cindy, hi.

Colgate Winterfresh Gel...

Come and learn to dance

Come back.

Come on, come on. Let's go!

Come on, let's go!

Come on, off the bar.

Come on, son.

Come on, they're happy guys.

Come on, you can handle this deal. Come on, relax.

Come on.

Come on. Don't be doing that.

Come on. From there we can see Cape Cod.

Come on. Here we go. Let's go. We're backing up.

Come on. Oops. Come on.

Come on. Oops. Come on.

Could you take me over to the island?

Cover his face, for God's sake!

Crazy Eddie, 12 great locations.

Crazy Eddie's slashing prices...

Crazy Eddie's slashing prices...

Curly, here's a buck. Wash my car.

Dance Fever.

Darling! That outfit, it's to die from.

Darling. Darling.

Darn! My flash never works!

Did she eat worms?

Did you fix it?

Did you get hurt?

Did you know she was a mermaid?

Did you save me?

Did you see this?

Disco equipment and professional products,

Do be careful, madam. The plate is very hot.

Do I expect too much out of life?

Do you have a broken arm?

Do you like that?

Do you like the sea?

Do you realize how happy you were with her?

Do you think we're gonna steal the mermaid?

Do yourself a favor and stop in the lingerie department.

Does she look a little pale?

Don't call us. Call the comic book companies.

Don't forget. Ushers have to be early, too.

Don't forget. Ushers have to be early, too.

Don't go in there! She'll melt your face off.

Don't let anybody in that room.

Don't whine. Seal off the area.

Don't worry. We'll move it out in the morning.

Dr. Hill, line 5. Stat!

Dr. Johannsen bent down to examine that creature.

Dr. Kornbluth left with the Swedes a few minutes ago.

Dr. Ross?

Drs. Jarred and Johannsen from the Swedish Institute.

East Brunswick, Union, Westchester, Westbury and Norwalk.

Easy.

Either open this door, or I'll break it down!

Enough! Open the door. Something is wrong.

Enough. We have a seminar in three weeks. Be ready.

Ever since then, he runs, gets in a car, and drives away.

Every day people meet and they fall in love.

Every day? Come on.

Everybody, zip a dee doo dah!

Everything's fine.

Excuse me, miss, we're getting ready to close.

Excuse me, miss.

Excuse me.

Eye gouge!

Figures. My mother in law gave it to me.

Fine. Jim?

Flu. Bad flu. She's very sick.

For crying out loud!

For instance, I could give you a job down at the market.

Freddie always marries there. You don't need a blood test down there.

Freddie, dance with me!

Freddie, I don't want to get drunk.

Freddie?

Gee, right. Today's the big day.

Gentlemen.

Get back to work!

Get her! Get her!

Get him out of there so we can concentrate on her.

Get out of my way!

Get out of the way. What's going on?

Get out.

Get that guy on the dock.

Get the hell out of here.

Get up!

Give her a minute.

Give me one second. Madison? Ahh! Madison!

Give me this. You know what's in here?

Give your older brother a kiss.

Go in. Go in.

Go!

Go!

Going on right now with prices that are insane!

Good afternoon, Dr. Kornbluth. I wasn't expecting you today.

Good afternoon, Dr. Ross. Who are your guests?

Got hit in the head by some lightning.

Grab that hose!

Greg Martin, WMET Radio, here with Allen Bauer.

Ha ha! Wha... You, ah...

Have you seen anyone else along this beach?

He doesn't have the slightest clue what's going on.

He had no cash, so we worked this out.

He had two pair. I had a flush.

He was a green beret colonel.

He was on the phone in Nam when the grenade went off.

He's been in the water 12 hours. He's just a man.

He's dirty from the trip!

He's reaching! Get him now!

Heave!

Hello, Allen. How was your day?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello.

Here it comes Here it comes

Here we go.

Here. I want copies for everybody.

Here. She was carrying this.

Hey, Allen?

Hey, B.B. Brain!

Hey, come back! Please.

Hey, hey.

Hey, how 'bout those Knicks?

Hey, I know that guy.

Hey, I love you, girl

Hey, Mac, move that thing out of here.

Hey, put that down.

Hey, that's okay! We'll go to Maryland after dinner.

Hey, that's right

Hey, those skates are rented!

Hey, wooly bully

Hey, wooly bully Watch it now

Hey! Come back!

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Take it easy.

Hi, Freddie. Hey, Allen, where's Victoria?

Hi, guys. Bauer, where's that pretty lady of yours?

Hi, Mrs. Stimler.

Hi, Victoria. I'm sorry.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Are you okay?

Hi. What happened to your head?

Hiya, boys. Come in. The water's fine.

Hmm.

Hold it.

Hold it. Put it down. You see that? It says, "This end up."

Hold the beer. That will be your handicap.

How come little things she does drive you crazy so much?

How come she's got legs?

How did the cops find you naked?

How drunk you get depends on how much alcohol you consume

How far we'll go

How far we'll go

How good we'll be

How is she?

How long we been playing?

How many times do I have to tell you that?

How stupid of me. But let me ask you this.

How the subject is responding to the examination procedure?

How?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh? Oh...

Humility 101.

I admit to a few minor fiascos in my love life.

I am not a fish!

I am not crazy. There's a mermaid in there.

I believe this...

I can fix it. I'm mechanical.

I can go with you and still come back and see Freddie at Christmas.

I can see. I can tell.

I can swim it. I'll be back with the little boat.

I can.

I can't even give her my love, Freddie.

I can't ever come back to you.

I can't tell you.

I caused all this. Now I'm gonna finish it.

I couldn't get one leg in there.

I didn't even like you when we first met.

I didn't know English.

I didn't know you were on the phone.

I didn't mean to.

I don't ask that much, do I?

I don't ask to be famous, I don't ask to be rich,

I don't ask to play center field for the New York Yankees or anything.

I don't care about that.

I don't deserve painkiller. Just drill.

I don't know how to swim! Come back.

I don't know how to swim.

I don't know why I didn't think of it before.

I don't know why. Just...

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. Because I like Cape Cod, Freddie.

I don't understand.

I don't want to die!

I don't want to talk about any part of my face.

I don't want to talk about my nose.

I feel better up there.

I got to get more involved with business, and I intend to.

I got you something.

I gotta take your picture.

I guess it's all right.

I guess so.

I guess they thought you might be one.

I happen to come from a long line of married people.

I have a formal statement to make!

I have a system on the desk.

I haven't told you...

I just didn't think about how it would affect you.

I just don't know, Freddie.

I just had to prove that I wasn't crazy.

I just wanna know if we sell fruit and vegetables, or is it just fruit?

I just want to meet a woman. I wanna meet a woman.

I knew it. I knew that guy was spying on me.

I knew something would happen. What should I do?

I know you have some big secret you think you can't tell me, but you can.

I know.

I know.

I know. Just give me three minutes.

I know. You haven't told me this big secret.

I learned from television. It's wonderful!

I like music! I heard some in the television,

I look at the water and I feel closer to something.

I love it.

I love this guy! Do you hear me? I love him.

I love this guy's head.

I love you, Madison.

I made it. I'm in Penthouse magazine. They printed my letter!

I made up a story about you being wounded in Nam

I mean that this time. I'm going to. I know the business.

I meant to call you back. I forgot.

I must honestly tell you I have never considered you a man of science.

I never went to college, but wasn't that English?

I said, "Let's talk." Put it down.

I saw him on Cape Cod. He was crazy then.

I saw stars

I see. Now you do?

I suppose you're some harmless beachcomber

I take it you know this girl?

I tell you. We'll be rubbing elbows with the big boys.

I think she was in shock from being arrested, you know.

I thought they were coming later with Dr. Ross.

I thought we were going upstairs.

I thought you understood about TV being make believe.

I traded it for the statue.

I want to go down!

I want to stay with you.

I want to talk to the press.

I was 12 years old.

I was born to be married.

I was going to find you a hotel,

I was just a stupid kid.

I was out drinking with this bum all night long.

I was right!

I was shy.

I was shy.

I was there at the beginning with Dad, remember?

I was thinking. You don't have to leave the country.

I was trying

I was trying to do something in there, and I guess I did it very badly.

I wish I could go with you.

I'll ask questions and if you answer correctly,

I'll be back with nuclear weapons. Come on, Doctor.

I'll be right back. We'll whisper some more.

I'll be right there. I'm just changing.

I'll call the Pentagon.

I'll do it myself. Get away. Give me a hand.

I'll find him.

I'll serve.

I'll tell you.

I'm a free spirit!

I'm a man of science.

I'm all right, if anyone's concerned.

I'm confused why you haven't said anything until now.

I'm considering everything!

I'm extremely liberal, a freewheeling dude.

I'm for it, of course.

I'm from People magazine. Is she also seeing Burt Reynolds?

I'm going to grow old,

I'm going to have to call you something in English,

I'm going to insist that you stop doing that.

I'm going upstairs and take a nap.

I'm gonna prove to you and everyone else

I'm gonna teach you a lesson in humility.

I'm home!

I'm in the Forum section.

I'm just a corn fed Kansas boy, but you are the Big Apple of my eye.

I'm just a guy...

I'm just having a little fun.

I'm proud of you. That's great! Which store?

I'm really a nice guy.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Look...

I'm sorry. That's not funny. That's not funny.

I'm supposed to laugh?

I'm telling you. Something in here is not working.

I've been doing a lot of thinking.

I've been on the phone to every employee

I've got the Buyrite contracts ready.

I've got to get back to work. That will keep you company.

I've gotta talk to you. Can I call you? What's your number?

If I don't have my cherries in five minutes,

If I had friends, you could ask them.

If I stay longer than that, I can't ever go back.

If we get our blood test today, we can marry tomorrow!

If we get the test today, no pressure, mind you,

If we were married, you wouldn't just move out like this.

If you'll go inside, the tour will continue.

If you're not in love with her,

In a briefcase. In half.

In Bob Hollins, you have a candidate for Congress

In relation to your total body weight.

Intercept busboy with suspicious hump.

Interesting.

Internal examination.

Is anyone here from Penthouse magazine?

Is she a mutant or missing link?

Is that all?

Is that enough? Do you want some more?

Is there some sort of immigration problem?

Is this really what happens when water gets cold?

Is this the big secret you've been keeping?

Isn't that one kinda dark?

It had two big horns

It has come to symbolize hope for naked women everywhere.

It was embarrassing when you were 10, Freddie.

It was the world

It was the world

It was very educational.

It was. It really was.

It's a mermaid. It's her!

It's about 3:00. I really have to get back.

It's all fabrication. Look at this.

It's beautiful. I love it.

It's Bonanza.

It's called sarcasm.

It's Crazy Eddie's greatest clearance sale ever!

It's Crazy Eddie's greatest sale ever,

It's hard to say in English.

It's just so big!

It's just that you're too skinny.

It's not funny, Freddie! It's not funny.

It's not much.

It's pretend killing that's going on. See, now.

It's the saddest thing I ever saw.

It's the truth, it's actual Everything is satisfactual

It's time for me to tell you.

It's wonderfully delicious and so good for you.

Jennifer, Joanie, Hillary.

Jerry, handle those for me!

Jerry, set up our friend, Mr. McCullough, bananas at cost.

Jerry, where the hell are McCullough's cherries?

Jerry?

Jerry's getting married tomorrow.

Jesus, snails with stems. Forget it. Get them outta here!

Jump start a car!

Just a second.

Just stay out of my way, sonny.

Just tell me who you are.

Keep her on a leash.

Know something? I don't think we're being followed.

Know what that means? This end up!

Kornbluth!

Leave her alone!

Leave him alone!

Leave him alone! Get out of the way! Get out of the way!

Left, right, one, two

Let her go. Show some dignity, for Christ's sake.

Let me go first, okay?

Let me outta here!

Let me try!

Let the girl go. Step back. You're under arrest.

Let us in.

Let's don't take no chance

Let's get her back, now! And arrest him.

Let's not be L seven

Let's not be so choosy with these onions.

Let's pee down his air hose.

Let's sit down and talk.

Let's sit down and talk.

Let's take a good look at what you got.

Let's talk.

Let's try some interaction.

Like jump start a car?

Listen to your father.

Listen,

Listen, you will love being married to me.

Look what I got.

Look what you got. Yeah, let's look at what you got.

Look what you've become,

Look, I'm being serious.

Look, if something works for me, I stick with it!

Love came for me

Love can start

Love let us see

Madison, are you all right?

Madison, I love...

Madison, please? I'm sorry!

Madison, what is it?

Madison, where's your necklace?

Madison, will you marry me?

Madison!

Madison!

Madison?

Madison?

Madison?

Madison.

Madison.

Madison's not a name.

Make you some... Madison!

Manhattan, the Bronx, Brooklyn, Syosset, Paramus,

Many nudie films come from Sweden.

Marineland, Ripley's Believe It or Not,

Marry, like, an American,

Matty told Hatty

Matty told Hatty

Maximum fluoride protection in a great tasting gel.

Maybe I met Mr. Buyrite, owner of Buyrite Supermarkets.

Maybe I went to the "Club A" last night.

Maybe we had a few drinks.

McCullough, your cherries, yes.

Missing petty cash? It was the cleaning girl.

Move out. Let's go!

Mr. Bauer, you had a million messages. I wrote them down right here.

Mr. Bluebird's on my shoulder

Mr. Cornbeef?

Mr. Mango on my shoulder

Mr. McCullough, they came in,

Mr. Police Officer?

Mrs. Stimler, our father passed away five years ago.

My brother bought your slimy cherries?

My daughter is lucky. She's anorexic.

My dress! I can't believe this.

My God, the president is here!

My grandmother. She left them to me.

My heart's beating like a rabbit.

My mom and dad were married.

My name's Allen Bauer. You guys called me.

My, oh, my What a wonderful day

My, oh, my What a wonderful day

Names, names. Linda, Kim...

Next week, he'll get shot on another show.

Nice earrings.

No, Freddie, I'm going to Cape Cod.

No, I've just seen them before.

No, it's fractured in 16 places.

No, just me and the moron twins.

No, no, I didn't,

No, no, no. My home!

No, no. That story was to fool the press.

No, no. This is only TV.

No, no. We'll... I'll take care of it.

No, she's not.

No, thanks.

No, that's it.

No, the blonde I came in with.

No!

No.

No.

No. I don't care about that.

No. I'll go back for the other boat.

No. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No. Please.

No. When I was about eight, I had this accident on a ship.

Nobody could even get in to see her.

Nobody likes me when they first meet me.

Nobody said love's perfect!

None of your goddamn business, that's what!

Not now, Mrs. Stimler.

Not that you don't look spectacular in my robe.

Nothing.

Nothing. You have sex, perversion.

Now he's coming this morning to check out the operation.

Now, what about that, huh?

Of course.

Of course. I want to study her pulmonary system,

Of the United States government

Oh, Freddie, I don't expect it to be perfect,

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, gosh!

Oh, Madison.

Oh, Madison.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my.

Oh, no, no, no. I don't care about that.

Oh, oh, you fell.

Oh, six days.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, you want pain. Well, we aim to please.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh.

Oh. Well, we'll talk about it later.

Ohh.

Ohhh!

Okay, Bauer. You're ruined! Everyone's gonna know you left me dry.

Okay, miss. This ain't California. We don't go for this.

Okay, um, here's the thing.

Okay? Bye bye.

Okay.

Okay. Cape Cod. That's about 300 miles. You got the cash?

Okay. Look.

Once and forever

Once and forever

One fine day

One fine night

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooo, ooo. Can I come in?

Or a brand new car!

Or her.

Or, uh, you could, uh,

Ouch!

Ouch.

Our food is here!

Over the past century, she has seen the skyline,

Ow, ohh, oof!

Pack your bags. Tonight, my man, we're going to Rio!

Painkiller, Mr. Kornbluth.

Pardon me. Excuse me!

People fall in love every day, huh? Is that what you said?

Personally, I think it's kinda cute.

Piece of shit.

Please call again. Don't forget these.

Please make them wonderful.

Please, cut it out! There's water coming in the boat!

Please, not in front of the teamsters.

Please? Huh? People?

Plenty of sunshine heading my way

Plus a selection of floor samples and demonstrators...

President of the Three Stooges Fan Club.

President of what?

Pretty.

Priced at or below cost.

Pull yourself together.

Ralph, talk to him.

Remember when you were eight and fell off the ship?

Remember?

Reproductive organs, everything!

Right over there.

Right, right, right

Right.

Room service. I didn't know what you liked,

Run along, Walter. See if you can't find a unicorn.

She could probably speak English already.

She did? They're beautiful.

She dives in. She has heavy trouble with sharks,

She don't speak no English.

She goes through the Coast Guard, minefields and then she's on shore.

She has legs out of water and fins in the water.

She moved out. My life's a shambles, okay?

She was bright, she was sensitive, she was beautiful.

She was shy.

She works hard for the money

She works hard for the money so you better treat her right

She's a mermaid.

She's a...

She's been here for six hours.

She's exercising.

She's not coming! Okay?

She's okay. That's it.

She's on an ocean liner in international waters.

She's really hungry!

She's really hungry!

She's sick, and she can't make it.

Shining in clear blue skies

Shining in clear blue skies

Should I get him for you?

Sir, we're closing.

Sir?

Sir? Here you are, sir. There you go.

Six days,

So I got you a choice. Fruity Pebbles, pancakes...

So what? So what?

So, how is she?

So, she greases her body up like a channel swimmer.

So, tell me this.

So, tell me.

So, tell me.

Some of these are perfectly good onions.

Some people will never be that happy! I'll never be that happy.

Something about it isn't right.

Something about it.

Something in here not working?

Something new for you.

Son of a...

Sorry, no one comes in

Stay away from me.

Steal the mermaid. Stealing the mermaid!

Stop and let me out. I'll slow them down. Do it!

Stop! Ah, don't!

Suspect heading south on Broadway.

Take a picture of me, Vinnie. Vinnie, take my picture.

Taking a bath.

Taxi?

Thank you for letting me use your television.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you. It's great to be back in New York.

Thank you. These look terrific.

Thanks a lot. Thanks.

Thanks, Jerry. Yeah?

Thanks.

Thanks.

That bitch.

That is, when you weren't driving yourself crazy.

That look is over.

That that girl is a mermaid!

That was a beautiful ceremony.

That was a brilliant touch.

That was simple! We did it!

That was you?

That you have stretched the frontiers of paleontology and zoology.