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Death to Smoochy (2002) Death to Smoochy is a dark comedy film released in 2002. Directed by Danny DeVito, the movie delves

Death to Smoochy (2002)

Death to Smoochy is a dark comedy film released in 2002. Directed by Danny DeVito, the movie delves into the cutthroat world of children's television. Starring Edward Norton as Sheldon Mopes, a cheerful and innocent entertainer, and Robin Williams as Rainbow Randolph, a corrupt and disgraced host, the film explores their rivalry as they navigate their roles in the industry. With sharp wit and twisted humor, Death to Smoochy satirically deconstructs the facade of children's programming, revealing the behind-the-scenes chaos and deceit.

While a soundtrack for the film does not seem to be available, you can immerse yourself in the sounds of Death to Smoochy by watching or downloading the movie. Experience the dark hilarity and offbeat charm of this unique comedy that garnered a cult following over the years.
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A good show, with the foundation of a positive message.
A lot of ugliness and injustice.
A part on the show. You're the executive producer.
A performer of character and honor. Most importantly...
A Rain Forest Benefit freebie bag. Disposable camera...
A rocket ship!
A situation Merv Green holds me accountable for.
A special batch of cookies for a very special rhino.
About you, and how you're a phony like all the rest.
Absolutely. It is my mission to find a replacement.
Admit that smoochy has won and gracefully march forward.
After everything, I realized...
Agreed to meet you. I had a dinner engagement.
All right, boys. Let's go pray and get shitfaced.
All the colors of rainbow From mauve to blue
Always with the accusations. Bitch, bitch, bitch!
Always with the accusations. Bitch, bitch, bitch!
America's favorite rhino. Ladies and gentlemen...
And a cousin named Tommy cotter.
And can lift you up when you're blue
And for free.
And get your life on track Yes, we will
And limber. why we broke up, I'll never know.
And on these rare occasions when I feel the need to apologize...
And the ice show is gonna be so much fun!
And then I just thought you were a simp or something!
And this is my kingdom!
And what would that be, exactly?
And when that happens, it is hard not to get frustrated.
Angelo, hit me!
Angelo, hit me!
Anything. so long as it don't clang, chime or honk.
Are you telling me this is true? You and him?
Are you telling me you wanna give away half the profits?
As a kid I ate frosted. Let's go the old fashioned way...
As christ is my witness, no one's touching a hair on you!
As far as the ice show goes, I suggest you shop for skates.
As far as the refreshments go, they will be provided by me.
As talented as you are, if you don't learn to sell yourself a little...
At least he's got a sense of humor!
At least you know the smack's knocking them out and not your singing.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Back off!
Bad. very bad.
Banquets, benefits, I want it all.
Bastard son of Barney!
Bastards will slap a new pair of tits on the statue of Liberty...
Be patient with new friends like Stan
Because
Because this guy saved your ass.
Because what they sow, they going to reap, Angie!
Before it's too late, make a donation!
Believe me.
Better grow eyes on the back of your head.
Between my client's dwindling cash flow and mounting legal fees...
Big junkies come from little junkies. we'll nip it in the bud.
Bonsoir, le Smoochy.
Boy, being back at the coliseum, back in the arena...
Boys, we have a serious problem.
Buggy Ding Dong, the host of Buggy's Bumpy Railroad?
Buggy?
Buggy?
Burke and Ding Dong equals trouble.
Burke Bennett. I represent kid show talent.
Burke Bennett. I represent kid show talent.
But don't you take a particular glee in the fact you stole his time slot...
But his chances on television are as good as mine in the ring with him.
But it's the rhino, Angie.
But my stepdad's not mean He's just adjusting
But remember, if he's ever abusive to you or Mommy...
But the one thing he can't do is take away my life.
But there was a time in my life...
But you can make a dent.
But you're Rainbow Randolph. That's worth something.
But your stepdad's not mean He's just adjusting
But, Nora...
Call costumes and props and tell them that the old R man is back.
Can I come in?
Can I get an amen, somebody? Are you with me on this, team?
Can I help you?
Can I stay here? I got no place else to go.
Can we talk for a minute?
Can we talk? why was the Please and Thank You song cut?
Can you spare 60 seconds for a smiley old face from your past?
Carl, you know what I'm talking about.
Casting mental patients. I like that.
Cause the smack can lead to crack Yes, it can
Chewing the fat, exchanging ideas.
Christ! where do you dig up these people?
Clean replacements? with background checks?
Come here. You wanna tell me about the rhino?
Come on and howl with me now.
Come on down here, Mooch!
Come on, it's smoochy. Let's go.
Come on, now. That's it.
Come on, wish me luck.
Come on. we got a history.
Congratulations on your ice show.
Congratulations, sheldon.
Cops won't do the ball thing. Against policy.
Corruption in Krinkleland?
Could we just kill that spot and bring the houselights up?
Cousin lan from down at the morgue. You met him at the wake.
Cushy.
Cut that out. Golly, he's not a mental patient.
Damn it, I ought to be the one who raises him.
Danny, go give Mr. smiley a little backrub.
Deliver a positive message, without bells and whistles.
Dian Fossey! when I lived here, it was Bob Fosse!
Did I do good? I did good, right?
Did you bring lunch? chicken and stars?
Did you set sheldon up?
Die, Muppet from hell!
Die, you foam motherfucker!
Die, you son of fluff!
Do not start with your magician's tricks, young Moses!
Do you believe in angels?
Do you ever knock?
Do you hear yourself? I won't do it.
Do you know the power of a condemned man?
Do you realize the shekels we can take in?
Does that say Nora's Magic Jungle? No.
Don't destroy who you are for this piece of shit.
Don't do this, Randy.
Don't ever contact me again, Randy.
Don't expect me to go out on an emotional limb here.
Don't forget, this was meant for you.
Don't go anywhere, smoochy. I'll be right back after I take a dump.
Don't shut my door!
Don't touch me! My name isn't wandolph, it's Randolph.
Don't try and talk me out of this.
Don't worry, we'll deal with them.
Don't worry. Last week you called me a pasty faced, no talent hack.
Don't you move!
Don't you worry. I got a long memory, baby.
Don't. Rat on them and you'll be lucky to find your toenails.
Drop it, shithead!
Enlighten the lad, Nora! You were such a hot little brood mare.
Enough said.
Especially Jesus. I mean, forget about it.
Even a guy who's squeaky clean falls into the mud.
Ever try saying that without the gun?
Exactly. That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Except ethics. Never a whiff of controversy. He's a harmless cornball.
Excuse me if I smell like piss. You know how it is.
Excuse me.
FBI! You're under arrest.
First he takes my career, then my life, now my girl.
First, I thought it was an act.
First, the good news. I've given it thought and decided...
Follow me!
For myself and the soon to be restored methadone clinic...
For the gazillionth time, I have no interest in doing a show!
For the kids? okay. Friends come in all sizes.
For what? Ass wipe money.
Former heavyweight contender Lawrence Spinner Dunn...
Frank, you see this guy? Take a good look.
Freeze! This is an unlawful assembly!
Fresh and organic
Friends come in all sizes Friends come in all sizes
Friends come in all sizes Take it from me
Friends come in all sizes That's a fact, it's true
Friends, friends, we all got friends You've got me and I got you
Friends, friends, we all need friends It's our pals that get us through
From a pal who is true
From me to you
From now on, everywhere you go, we go!
Frosted for old and fruity for young.
Fuck!
Gee whiz. what a day!
Get him out of here!
Get in the middle!
Get in.
Get off of me!
Get out of the car.
Get the gun.
Get up! Get up and look at me!
Get your $50 bump for working in smoke this week.
Give him something else to do on the show.
Give me that gun!
Give me the gun!
Give me the gun.
Give them a cookie.
Give them a cookie.
Giving up that smack Yes, we are
Go ahead, finish me off! I'm nothing!
Go blow yourself, Martha! Look what you've done to this place.
God help us.
God, I hope so.
God! what does it all mean?!
Goddamn it, Nora! The public is clamoring for me.
Going in with Buggy Ding Dong's a mistake!
Golly gee, size never matters When you want some friendly patter
Gonna get a show after the rhino's gone.
Good.
Good.
Goodbye, smoochy.
Great attitude. I wish more people felt that way.
Guess how many compositions I have in the smoochy songbook.
HAL T is a self recognition technique. Hungry, angry, Ionely, tired.
Half the profits will go to rebuild the coney Island Drug clinic!
Hands on your head. Line up!
Have we sunk to that level already? smoochy? what a sap!
Have you forgotten what we once had?
Having integrity.
He ain't no Nazi.
He has experience facilitating in these situations.
He has to get a taste of how we do things.
He just has the sweet disposition of a 5 year old.
He made this. It's made from dil dough.
He slams the door, he stomps his feet
He thinks he'll clean up our business.
He tried to kill you! There he is!
He tried to kill you! There he is!
He was checking me out in the car.
He was checking you out in what car?
He was my friend, you son of a bitch!
He was my inspiration to work in kids Tv.
He's a mascot. It's his cousin, Tommy cotter. Heavy hitter.
He's a miserable cocksucker! A fucking asshole! You hate him, admit it!
He's a pillow biter, you know? The old...
He's doing a job for Burke.
He's excited about the ice show.
He's gonna give me a shot. I'm gonna take the rhino's place.
He's gotta be smart to run a place like this.
He's not quite a dad or a brother
He's the prez of Rainbow Land Yes, oh, yes, he is
He's the real thing. You're the real thing.
Heil smoochy!
Hell of a world.
Hell of a world.
Hello there, Mr. Rainbow. How lovely to see you in the flesh.
Hello, kitten.
Hello, nipple nibbler.
Hello?
Hello? People, wake up and smell the future.
Her and her boys, they run the joint. Irish mob.
Here a dance, there a song Everywhere is fun, fun
Here at the Kidnet jungle, the rhino's now extinct.
Here he comes.
Here we go. Let's shake a stick.
Here's Burke!
Here's the good news.
Hey, Angelo.
Hey, it's smoochy!
Hey, spinner. come here and meet the senator.
Hey, what about sheldon?
Hey. If the jackboot fits...
Hey...
Hip, hip, hooray.
His popularity is stronger than ever...
His temper's bad and he's a slob He's bitter cause he lost his job
Hold the phone here.
Hold the phone.
Horn by horn!
How do you like that?
How do you like that?
How do you like that?
How do you mean?
How does it feel to be a racist scumbag?
How is it being the most hated man in America?
How long was Randolph in your apartment?
How serendipitous.
How thoughtful of me.
How thoughtful of me.
How you doing, apple cheeks? Long time, no see.
How'd you hit the wrong rhino?
Howl it out!
Humor me, rhino.
I appreciate everybody's concern. But I know what I'm doing.
I barely know her. she's been down on everything.
I bet.
I birthed him. I nursed him.
I bring you in. on everything.
I came here to apologize.
I can assure you that this network cannot survive...
I can no longer live in a world where the innocent suffer...
I can see that.
I can't believe you didn't tell me about this.
I can't sit and watch that one horn carpetbagger get my time slot.
I care about getting creative input on my own show.
I could start Monday. No meat. when did you become a vegetarian?
I couldn't. I have too much respect for what he accomplished.
I despise you!
I did it for my first Holy communion.
I did it. It was me. It was all me.
I did. I cleaned up half the poppies in Asia.
I didn't discover you. I delivered you, like groceries.
I do this thing tonight and the spot's mine?
I don't care about smoochy dolls, chocolate, floor wax.
I don't care anymore. I helped you. You abused it.
I don't care how many clinics he's saving.
I don't care if his last job was juggling apples...
I don't feel so good about this all of a sudden.
I don't feel very smoochy like right now.
I don't have to. The picture said it all.
I don't know about his sleeping disorders.
I don't know if you're aware of it, but food like that can lower your chi.
I don't know spanish, but thanks anyway.
I don't know what was going on with the...
I don't know.
I don't like to mention names.
I don't think you want to hurt anyone here.
I feel much better now.
I feel sorry for him. He has issues.
I felt once or twice my voice wasn't being heard.
I got a job to do.
I got more emotional investment in my nail polish.
I got Mr. Boomy, missy! Why don't you tell him about Jingle Jackson?
I got my clout back and I'm gonna use it.
I got news, Nora.
I got swept up in the frenzy of anti smoochyism.
I got that.
I got the whole world up my fucking ass!
I got you some crossword puzzles and stuff to read.
I guarantee that fucking Randolph has seen his last rainbow.
I had no idea it was a Nazi rally.
I hate to take it, but I got a headache from me eyes to me ass.
I have no time for eventually. Eventually, we get old and die.
I have to like myself.
I have to save the rhino.
I haven't thought of that idea. I do see where you're going with this.
I hope I'm dreaming.
I knew he was a jizz bag when he grabbed my ass at Feed the children.
I knew it!
I knew it. I knew if I waited long enough...
I know I was away for too long.
I know we're not partners yet. Let's make a game plan.
I know why we broke up now.
I laid the groundwork. He's a bank with a horn.
I like it.
I loathe you!
I love spinner, but I owe you. I'll see what I can do.
I love when you do the Jiggy ziggy dance, you know?
I love you both.
I love you too, buddy.
I love you!
I may have become a bit hardened over the years.
I mean, I couldn't tell.
I miss smoochy.
I missed you so much!
I must be dreaming.
I need saving! Not that ottoman with a hood ornament!
I need your help. I'm in a pickle here.
I never agreed to a show!
I never played in a tractor parts warehouse.
I never saw anybody get buzzed on orange juice.
I never saw venice!
I never touched the money.
I really do appreciate that.
I saw one in Times square. This little angel with curls.
I saw your performance. It was very spirited.
I say to him, show me the warehouse.
I still value your input. And I consider you a partner.
I take all the things I don't like and I let out a big howl.
I think he'll help us through this moment together.
I think you made a new friend, kid.
I thought that was a good meeting today. we tackled some hot issues.
I thought you weren't coming. You'd forgotten.
I tried.
I walk out of there with a check for 100 grand...
I wanna be on the Tv again. I wanna play my cowbell.
I want smoochy back.
I want the show to have weight. substance.
I want to talk to you for a little bit.
I want to tell you honestly, I felt...
I want to thank you all for having this sit down.
I want to thank you for picking me up.
I was a big fan of your work with the Krinkle Kids.
I was born November 11, 1970. You know what else happened that day?
I won't encourage kids to eat a lot of sugar.
I won't get sucked into your negative energy.
I won't sleep until worms are crawling up your ass!
I'd be happy to end my sabbatical and come back.
I'd go to a restaurant, 10 guys reached for my hat.
I'd go to take a piss, they'd clear the restroom. You know why?
I'd set things straight in this town.
I'll come sunday.
I'll just say it.
I'll open the magic door for you.
I'll see you down at the store.
I'll take him apart, hoof by hoof!
I'll tear him apart! Piece by piece!
I'll tell you a secret: Pop a little liquid alfalfa in it...
I'll tell you something, I'm feeling strong right now.
I'll tell you something. That jiggy ing and ziggy ing makes me hungry.
I'll tell you, I'll go to the locker room...
I'm a big fan.
I'm a fraud. A wicked man who's done wicked acts.
I'm a patriot compared to Mopes. He's a Nazi and gay.
I'm a Rhinette, got that?!
I'm a valuable resource, Nora. Use me...
I'm afraid so.
I'm being compared unfavorably with Goebbels.
I'm bleeding! That's salmonella!
I'm calling from Parents for Decency in children's Tv. Have you heard of us?
I'm doing it myself.
I'm doing my best. The network is watching closely.
I'm fucked up in general, so it's hard to gauge.
I'm getting good at it. You want to see me march?
I'm going down for the last time.
I'm going on a journey today and I hope you'll come along.
I'm going on safari, motherfucker! safari!
I'm gonna get you on these gluten free buns.
I'm gonna halt here.
I'm gonna skate out in circles and then I'm falling on my ass!
I'm happy to do this, but we have trained counselors who can help you.
I'm having second thoughts. I can't do it!
I'm holding the gunpowder. I represent the man who created...
I'm hoping to correct that.
I'm like a goddamn toaster at Macy's! Randolph's ass, aisle three!
I'm Nora wells. I'm v.P. of development for Kidnet.
I'm not pointing fingers. You start pointing and someone gets poked.
I'm not pulling out, because I never agreed to do a show.
I'm not your puppet.
I'm opening the children's wing at the library.
I'm Rainbow fucking Randolph, that's why!
I'm Rainbow fucking Randolph! Kids love me!
I'm Rainbow fucking Randolph. I know the way...
I'm ready. Give me my ax.
I'm saying that the captain, like christ...
I'm smoochy. I don't care about money.
I'm sorry to put you through this, my friends.
I'm sorry, spinner. I'm so sorry.
I'm still in shock.
I'm trying to save a friend from a deranged junkie.
I'm trying to sleep, asshole! Read the fucking meter another time!
I've always been smitten with you, baby.
I've been learning a lot about that myself lately.
I've been reading so much about it.
I've told you how important it is to be honest about your feelings.
If anybody has a strong feeling...
If I didn't share with you what I've been feeling and going through...
If I might interject. we need to re examine our principles.
If that's all, let me out and we can say happy trails.
If you want a cup of juice, the well's dried up. city shut her down.
Illegitimate Teletubby!
Important to the Parade of Hope.
In a country of Neanderthals, it's an honor.
In case you forgot, you're a criminal and a scumbag.
Is Adolf Hitler your personal hero?
It means good luck.
It sure was!
It was a mistake. An honest mistake. I was just trying to help the children!
It was a mistake. I wish I could turn back time.
It was like a nightmare. suddenly... wham!
It'll all work out fine. Just trust me, Randolph.
It's a beautiful city, but there's a lot of grime on it, you know?
It's a big stiffy!
It's a dick! chorizo and the huevos!
It's a happy, it's a happy Happy, happy place
It's a house of mirrors. You can't always tell what you're looking at.
It's a penis!
It's a rocket ship to fly us to Jungle Land! Here we go!
It's a...
It's about a good show without bells and whistles.
It's about doing good work.
It's about sheldon.
It's all about the dough. once you get money, you get power.
It's all taken care of.
It's been a long time.
It's Buggy!
It's Buggy!
It's Burke, he set you up!
It's cut. And I want the cookie lyrics changed back.
It's gonna be great, champ.
It's great to be here, kids!
It's great, what you're doing.
It's in the bag. we might have to massage him.
It's jackboots and Gestapo and smooch Heil, smooch Heil!
It's Jimmy and the twins. Rumple Foreskin.
It's not my intention to try and poke...
It's okay.
It's Rainbow Randolph!
It's starting! Rainbow Randolph!
It's such a fresh change from that dreadful embezzler, Rainbow Randy.
It's sweet of you to assume so.
It's tough to be Mom's second man
It's understandable.
Jam it in there nice and tight.
Just a couple of nights, officer.
Just kidding. It's a machine. Leave a message or catch an appearance.
Just like you asked.
Just you and me, alone.
Keep in touch.
Keep in touch.
Kidnet is currently looking for a performer...
Kidnet is finally ready to pursue a show of smoochy caliber?
Kidnet presents America's favorite kid show host...
Kind of a homosexual Nazi vibe. something that emanates from the Tv.
Know what I'm saying? It'd be painful.
Ladies and gentlemen...
Last I heard, he's playing hospitals and nursing homes.
Leave him to me. once he does it, the rhino's dead.
Let go of me, you fucking junkie!
Let go of me!
Let me get that for you.
Let me have a Five crown.
Let me tell you something. You fucked with the wrong rhino.
Let's go home, smooch. The show's over.
Let's pencil in a few lunch dates, or go on a retreat!
Let's plant the seeds of a collaboration.
Let's recap.
Let's see what we got today!
Life outside the Magic Jungle...
Like a magnificent phoenix, or some other town in Arizona.
Like I was saying, my friends are always saying:
Listen, sheldon, I'm not proud of it.
Listen...
Log on, it's not free.
Look at all the pretty lights.
Look, it's smoochy!
Lookie, lookie, lookie Here comes the cookie
Looking at the faces, I think it's time to wrap things up.
Love that one.
Ma, can I call you back? some asshole's screaming at me.
Macanudos, my ass!
Make it happen.
Man, did you do great!
Man, it's crazy out there.
May I express that I am as shocked and outraged by this as you.
Maybe even start feeling a little bitter.
Maybe we should leave it for the cops.
Me too! I took an anger management class in college...
Mindless spectacles whose purpose is peddling overpriced sugar water...
Mopes is sparkling.
Morning! congrats on the bump.
Motherfucker!
Mr. Green will get a first class ride through the justice system.
Mr. Mopes, let me get that for you.
Mr. Mopes?
My advice? Consider the ice show and stay healthy.
My balls! They're on fire!
My own patch of wheat grass.
Network wanted squeaky clean and they got it.
Never. Even if I live to be 1000 and see the second coming of christ.
No one has ever refused an ice show.
No one's gonna make a penny off of these kids.
No sponsors, no vendors, no crooks.
No worries. A chance to have smoochy at our soiree...
No, a lot of people went out for that clinic gig.
No, but that's an issue close to my heart. I was just talking to...
No, but you're going to anyway.
No, I gotta work tonight. I can't.
No, I just look like him.
No, it isn't. It's just beginning.
No, it's not. You're the one who taught me.
No!
No!
No. I wouldn't take pleasure in someone's misfortune.
No. You know, yeah.
Nor would I ever agree to do a show and...
Nora says you have an obsession with Mopes.
Nora, how could you do it with Wally the Whale?
Nora!
Nora! Nora!
Not one dirty hand will touch this.
Not that I want to make you feel bad...
Not the Parade of Hope. It's suicide.
Not very smoochy like.
Now I got a bar mitzvah boy! That's a great decision.
Now lock it. Thanks.
Now you're talking. This is a big step, I'm proud of you.
Now, I am very excited...
Okay, be careful.
Okay, okay. All right.
Okay, stop talking. I'm gonna make this real easy for you.
Okay.
Okay. That's...
Once you get power, you can have smoochy walk out...
One might say grasp While the other says snatch
Only I can do that.
Or catch me at the methadone clinic.
Or is that just part of your dog and pony show?
Organic, twice the protein and nobody gets killed.
Otherwise, he might need a little coaching.
Our survey shows a dead heat.
Parade of Hope. They like to sign the tab.
Passionate, yet tender. old fashioned, yet experimental.
Penis maximus! A willie! Mr. Jiggle Daddy!
Perhaps it's time to heal.
Plant this!
Please. It's small, but it's fierce!
Pre rhinoceros.
Put me out of my misery.
Rainbow Randolph busted by feds in midtown Patsy's Bar.
Rainbow Randolph is the king
Rainbow Randolph is the man Yes, oh, yes, he is
Randolph, you've lost your mind.
Randy!
Ready to start whistling tunes for the kids.
Really? I used to have dinner engagements. Four or five a night.
Relax, it's all good.
Relax!
Remember, you can't change the world...
Rhino's got me in a box with no ventilation!
Run me through this again. I have complete creative control.
Sap's just the pill we need. Get your feet off.
Save it, stokes! we got nervous sponsors and an angry public.
Save the Rainbow!
Save the rhino!
Save the rhino!
Save the rhino! The African black rhino.
Say hello to the boys and girls out there.
Say it before God and all the bones of the saints!
See the neck? snapped like a twig. Animals.
See you out there.
Sends me to bed with zilch to eat
She saved my life.
She spreads like cream cheese.
She used to like to play with his bells.
She was the only one that cared about me.
She was the only one that cared about me.
She's not your girl anymore.
She's right. Don't make the same mistake I did. Keep your dignity.
Shel, help me. He's banging this thing from morning till night.
Sheldon Mopes?
Sheldon, I love you.
Sheldon, look, I been practicing and practicing.
Sheldon?
Shut the door, please.
Shut up before I jaw you again.
Shut up!
Silly songs, absolutely, but with a message.
Since Randolph got pinched, there's air in the pipes. How are you fixing it?
Since when? Get your spongy pink ass out there and dance for the cameras.
Since you come in, he can't stop yakking, smoochy this, smoochy that.
Sincerity is an easy disguise. It's hard to know who's on the level.
Sing along if you know it.
Smoochy and Rhinette dolls would be sold separately.
Smoochy is back! And boy, did we miss him.
Smoochy is the face of evil.
Smoochy, I'll do it, watch.
Smoochy!
Smoochy! Hey, I'm spinner!
Smoochy?
Smoochy's fuchsia, Moochy's burgundy! Read a paper!
So don't peddle your sap to me.
So remember, kids, a stepdad is a lot like a new puppy.
So three cheers for the man That I proudly call Stan
So who wants to do the Jiggy ziggy?
So who wants to do the Jiggy ziggy?
Sodium free pretzels, apple slices, organic smoothies. Everything healthy.
Some like to toss While others to catch
Somebody like yourself.
Somebody toss me a beach towel, because my head is swimming.
Someone touched my ass. I want room to breathe.
Sometime.
Sometimes being a good person... well, that just isn't always enough.
Sometimes I do a longer set, but...
Sometimes in this life, a man's got to answer for his indiscretions.
Sometimes light is really dark. sometimes crows can sing like larks.
Sometimes old doesn't happen.
Sometimes winter feels like spring. Don't think you know everything.
Sometimes, boys and girls, it'll make you flat out mad.
Sorry, Frank.
Sorry, our pretzels are salt free.
Spinner has taken a real shine to you.
Spinner? He couldn't run a water faucet.
Spirulina with almond butter?
Squeaky clean, sir.
Squeaky fucking clean!
Squeeze his neck until his eyes pop out!
Start yakking.
Stokes cut a deal with Buggy for the smoochy slot.
Stokes will get an education on the pH balance of the East River.
Stop doing this. Don't piss your life away.
Stop him!
Sure.
Sure.
Sure.
Sweetened with juice For an energy boost
Take all that frustration inside...
Take it easy.
Take it easy.
Tell him the one about the prick...
Tell that to the mob outside. They want my ass!
Thank you very much. save the rhino...!
Thank you, Mother Teresa.
Thank you, sheldon.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thanks a lot, fellas. Ladies, yeah.
Thanks a lot, kids.
Thanks for coming all this way!
Thanks for stopping by.
Thanks for visiting!
Thanks.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Thanks. Bye.
Thar she blows!
That is concrete, sister. That is integrity!
That sounds extreme. Just try a please.
That was a long time ago. I was young and stupid.
That was a setup. I'm telling you!
That was later. The light was in my eyes.
That was so much fun!
That'd be great. see you then.
That's a great story, but the thing is, with me, I don't care about that stuff.
That's bullshit! I'm on the same dosage I've always been.
That's how I got this.
That's me.
That's more than I can say for some people.
That's okay. I'll grab a cab.
That's one of our big numbers.
That's Randolph!
That's right!
That's right! Everybody in the middle!
That's the first time anybody recognized me out of the suit.
That's the lesson. The moral anchor.
That's the solution.
That's the way these network goons operate. I remember Stokes tried to screw him...
That's the way these network goons operate. I remember Stokes tried to screw him...
That's true.
That's why the wee ones love your show.
That's you. You get me.
The cookie song is meaningless fluff without it.
The cops will jump on you like a trampoline.
The coq au vin in your Brooklyn mouth.
The devil sent him from hell to destroy me.
The energy was just really, really clicking.
The fact is, I don't know you, okay?
The first Sesame Street.
The flames are too hot! They're driving me mad!
The guy who earned for you? Put the Armani surplus suits on your back?
The Krinkle Kids are 10 feet under. with you.
The one eyed wonder weasel!
The one you do during silly Time?
The only reason you're on Tv is because Rainbow Randolph is a scumbag.
The other half we use to fund education programs.
The Parade of Hope has sponsored every ice show since 1964.
The presenter will be a young orphan with mild asthma. can you attend?
The reason I'm here...
The rhino better learn to play ball, and soon.
The rhino is screwed o The rhino is screwed
The rhino too!
The rhino's a Nazi.
The rhino's still a little green. Eventually, he'll come around.
The Smoochy on Ice show will be squeaky clean.
The smoochy slot will be safely occupied by cartoon reruns.
The thing is, television is a very complicated medium.
The thing is, we gotta put it to rest. The rhino is up way past his bedtime.
The truth is, your shoes have become my shoes.
Their names are different Their shoes don't match
Then don't tell me how to run my fucking business.
There was the whole Nazi thing!
There, I had a painting of a naked chick holding a plant.
There's a lot of kids and junkies out there who are counting on me.
There's nothing I can do for you. You're a pariah.
There's only one way out of this, partner.
There's talk that you're pulling out of the ice show. True?
They all are. Marginal talents, off Broadway runoff...
They found Merv's head in the Grand concourse.
They kicked me out of the penthouse. I'm homeless.
They need patience while they adjust to their surroundings.
They're beautiful.
They're calling me fascist.
They're the roughest charity.
They're there online for you at RainbowRandolph.com.
Think of it as a tool of the trade.
Think of it as the high life. Get used to it.
This costume's making my nuts itch.
This Fetalkunkle guy said it was for kids.
This is a kid show.
This is a story about a venomous rhino...
This is about Mopes. The rhino's become a menace.
This is children's entertainment.
This is for spinner.
This is for you, smoochy!
This is one tab they should have left blank.
This is private property. You're fucking trespassing.
This makes me very sad.
Those are children I'm singing to out there.
Time out, people. Let's hold the phone a second.
To the star and new executive producer of The Smoochy Show.
Tommy's here! Tommy and her boys are here.
Tomorrow, smoochy raises his baton for Parade of Hope.
Too much for brain. Pressure building.
Totally!
Tough to get a sing along.
Trust me, it's a handy accessory to have in this business.
Truth is, I thought he was pretty talented.
Try not to hurt anyone, Roy. what would Jesus do?
Until he discovered the joys of black mule heroin.
Until now. smoochy doesn't sell out. That's it!
Very tasteful, no bush. Not a picture of your mother!
Veto power over merchandising. corporate penthouse.
Wait till I tell my folks I met spinner Dunn.
Wait.
Want me? I'll be in my office. It's the big one. with a view.
Wasn't that fun, in an awkward sort of way?
Wave bye bye!
We all got our bad days.
We can do better than Mopes. He brings nothing to the table.
We could have worked through that.
We got a part spinner would be perfect for.
We gotta deal with this. Rhino's out of control.
We have wrinkles in the communication and collaboration departments.
We helped each other. Till someone messed up...
We investigated ourselves.
We know you didn't kill spinner, so just cool your jets!
We light up the Macanudos!
We need to focus on putting together the best show possible.
We take a little, everyone's happy.
We'll cut off his balls and shove them up his ass!
We'll get you off that smack We'll kick that monkey off your back
We'll get you off that smack Yes, we will
We'll get you off that smack Yes, we will
We'll go to the police tomorrow. I'll explain everything.
We'll take the whole ball of wax.
We're deciding if smoochy o's are frosted or fruit flavored.
We're flying over the trees on our magic rocket.
We're getting a lot of ink. It's great.
We're relying on a smack addict. Terrific.
We've always made arrangements. why the fireworks?
Welcome to Fatty Arbuckle land.
Welcome to The Rainbow Randolph show!
Welcome, all the way from the Lalwood Downs Rhino Preserve...
Well, how do you like that?
Well, how do you like that?
Well, it's like the song says:
Well, Nora wells, Miss v.P. of Development...
What a special day!
What about rumors that you're crazy?
What about the Klunky wunky dance?
What about wally the whale?
What are you doing? That's a picture in picture!
What are you doing?! I thought you cleaned up!
What are you talking about?
What did you say?
What do you mean?
What do you mean? I'm not. I still love you, Nora.
What do you want?
What happened to your precious integrity?
What round is it?
What should we do about these guys?
What the fuck am I watching here?
What will you wear to the show? I hope a thong.
What you doing, Rainbow Randolph?
What?
What? You got things to do? You don't have time for me?
What's up?!
What's with the costume? Big erect horn.
Whatever, fucking peasant.
Wheels are turning!
When I tell people about Rickets, they look at me weird.
When I was a kid, he was the one face I could trust.
When I'm hungry, what time is it?
When that pressure starts building...
When this guy comes over, don't talk to him...
When we'd play cowboys and Indians as kids, I was a chinese rail worker.
When you wanna talk, I'll cut the strings.
Where am I supposed to go?
Where can you go when skies turn gray
Where did you say you're from?
Where is our guest of honor?
Where the sun always shines And the animals play
Who could that be? Right, it was Rainbow fucking Randolph!
Who gives a shit? This is impossible. I want to strangle Rainbow Randolph.
Who grabbed my ass? Get away! Don't touch me!
Who knew he had a cousin? They're identical.
Who made you sad, Tommy?
Whose toes you gotta suck to get a drink?
Why would stokes replace smoochy with a smack addict?
Will you be my friend?
Wipe your forehead, Frank. You got plenty of time to sweat.
With a bow on it.
With great pleasure I introduce to you, together for the first time...
With some fun, fun here A laugh, laugh there
Without him, you'd be sitting in Kaplan's...
Yeah, he's a good man.
Yeah, I'd be happy to.
Yeah, I'm doing backflips.
Yeah, you do that.
Yeah! He's gonna put me back on the air.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yes to the smoochy ice cream, the string cheese...
Yes, he gets cross But still, he's the boss
Yes, I believe we're ready to push ourselves to that level.
Yes, they do
Yes. Yes, I do.
You all came here to hear your favorite smoochy songs...
You and Frank are in a bind.
You believe what they're saying?
You big drink of water! How are you?
You boys ever traveled together before?
You call the shots, right?
You came on the H train?
You can count on him He can count on you
You can learn and laugh at the same time.
You can't build a foundation with plaster of Paris. You use concrete.
You can't change the world, buddy.
You can't change the world, but you can make a dent.
You can't do a show and cut out the vendors.
You dated Jingle Jackson too?
You did this to me!
You don't even see children anymore. You just see wallets with pigtails.
You don't get to tell this boy what to do anymore, you uptight...
You don't retire with an 81 and 59 record and end up governor.
You don't want to kill yourself. You know that.
You get out!
You get such a sparkly glow when you berate me in front of everyone else.
You go ahead. It was a real honor.
You got a problem, son.
You got nothing left?
You got three seconds to pry your ass off my couch.
You gotta fix this. I want my old time slot back.
You guys are the greatest!
You had something to do with this?
You have one for me, okay?
You have the right to remain silent. If you give up...
You have to cock it.
You haven't been listening!
You helped give it a little more polish.
You inspired me to use my juice to put that together.
You know fairy tales then.
You know what else comes in all sizes? Our products.
You know what I do when I get mad, boys and girls?
You know, Nora...
You know, this rhino came from my womb. okay?
You know...
You look good with your foot stuck in your mouth.
You need someone for that slot and I'm here to reclaim what's mine.
You need your true friends by your side.
You okay?
You okay?
You probably heard I went through rough times.
You pull a gun on me? A gun I gave you as a gift?
You seem to forget...
You shot smoochy, you bastard!
You should be proud to have a client who can say that.
You spud sucking fucks! I'm suing your Riverdance ass!
You strapped that horn on pretty fast! You're a Krinkle Kid, say it!
You sure? I got some fennel tea. we can hang out.
You sure? The cops have a lot of evidence against Randolph.
You think?
You through?
You wanna see me do it?
You want your booger eater on my show?
You were an asshole, and I didn't love you.
You won't see another Rainbow Randolph in this lifetime.
You wouldn't believe what it took to get soy dogs here.
You? The whole, like...
You...
You'd be my partner, down the middle. Even ice shows.
You'd think the 50 foot swastika might have given you a hint.
You'll be pissing on $100 bills just to see the look on Franklin's face.
You'll get yours!
You'll let my boy dance up front? Gets to sit in the chair?
You'll make more with him than 20 Randolphs.
You're a good boy. we remember favors.
You're aggravating me.
You're bitter, misguided and you got issues with sexual identity.
You're different. It was another time. I was another woman.
You're funny! There's vodka and chips back there if you're hungry.
You're going to learn about shame, my dear smoochy, and I'm your professor.
You're looking forward to it, aren't you?
You're not nothing, all right?
You're only human, darling. come on. Let's go away.
You're talking fast.
You've made a lot of children happy.
You've shown me a world that I never thought could exist.
Your client's put me in a hazardous situation.
Your job is to smile and nod your head.
Your little soap opera? shut up!
Your office is over here. If you need anything, let me know.
Your time will come!
911!
...but you can make a dent. You bet.
Are you serious? Yeah...
Buggy Ding Dong? Heroin mule.
Buggy. Angelo.
Buggy's been here. The Dong man?
can I get a pretzel? lf that's what you want.
can you give him a little floor space? Floor space?
congratulations, Mr. Mopes. Thanks a lot.
cork it, asshole! does somebody wanna explain to me what this is all about?
Do you read Mein Kampf? Is Smoochy code for white power?
Do you sense my lack of interest? over 300...
Does the bridle still fit? hey watch your mouth...
Don't make me. A bottle of syrup with legs!
Everything okay? I'm drunk.
Excuse me, senator. sure.
Frank! Get me smoochy!
Freeze! Drop the briefcase!
Get out, hippie! You get out!
Get out! You did not! Yes!
Get the fuck out of here! You eat with that mouth?
Get the gun. what?
Go out there and hook a horn! Thanks!
Has Burke been here tonight? Haven't seen him. can I help you?
He loved you, shel. I know.
He wanted to be in the show so bad. stop torturing yourself.
He's bottom rung. This is the guy!
He's higher than a prom dress in June. I got a bad feeling about this.
He's talking to people he shouldn't. That's an ugly string of words.
He's the reason I created smoochy! I don't believe this!
Hello? Mr. Mopes? I'm Benjamin McKnucklepeck.
Hello. Hi. This is Nora wells...
Here you go. salt.
Hey, lady. Hey, nice job.
Hey. smoochy the Rhino.
Hi? Randy, is that you?
Hi. what did I do now?
Honey, it's smoochy! smoochy!
I can't accept this. No?
I can't even be seen with you. Don't do this to me.
I don't believe in guns. Really?
I like frosted. I like sweeter. Me too.
I missed you so much! I missed you too, pal.
I should go. wait.
I wanted to be a priest. I know.
I'll be fine. Fine, nothing!
I'll tell you a secret about a gun. what?
I'm not taking the blame for this. I'm not through yet, rhino.
I'm so excited to meet you! I'm excited to meet you too, spinner.
I'm spinner. Right.
I'm supposed to feel honored? I may have been harsh the other day.
Is that spinner Dunn, the boxer? Fried beans.
It was an accident. I want you out of here!
It was circumstances. circumstances? You killed spinner!
It's a cock! It's not a rocket! what is this?
It's me. I gotta talk to you. There's nothing to say.
Know what my motto is? something inane.
lf I didn't, you'd still be here. I am.
May I have some? For a smile.
My God, I feel dizzy. This has nothing to do with us!
Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.
No need to panic He didn't change it.
No shit. I have to go to the show.
Not half. AII. All the profits!
of course. Yes, very much.
off you go. Thanks a lot.
okay, let's just all take it easy. Bite me, Buddha! I had her first.
once and for all, now and forever! what happened to marching forward?
Piece by piece! You said it's time to heal. stop it.
Princess Poppy? Don't bust my balls.
Put your slippers on and get out! Please! I need help!
Randolph! Get him out! Look. It's a cock and balls!
Randy? Angie. Fucking traitor!
Really? Yes.
Really? Yes.
Rhinette. say it. I am a Krinkle Kid.
Rickets the Hippo? You remember him?
Rock bottom is a college education. Ready for the really good news?
Roy, have you got the hammer? Always got the hammer, Tommy.
see you do the Jiggy ziggy? Yeah!
sellout! what are you talking about?
sheldon, halt! Don't do it!
skippy Black and the Trolls? Deported. And the Trolls...
Smoochy the Rhino! Hello, New Jersey!
sorry. Listen, Mr. Mopes.
special cookies. Are you blind?
spinner would've wanted it that way. Poor spinner.
square Dance Danny? wife beater.
stay a while. I got Rickets on tape. It's late.
sure you don't wanna try? No.
The one and only. seems like a sweet guy.
The stepfather segment went well. oh, yeah?
They all have views, dumbshit! Not looking this way!
This is really exciting for me. Me too.
very nice. I've been shot!
wanna hear the best part? I'm holding my breath.
we should call it off. I can't.
we took his head and... okay, that's definitely...
we will change the world! All right, sheldon.
what are you doing? I got business with stokes.
what are you gonna do? I've compiled a list of replacements...
what are you talking about? Buggy Ding Dong shall rise again.
what did you do, you snake? A graduation present.
what do we do now? survival of the fittest.
what kind of world is this? The real one.
what was his name? Randolph, I think.
what? Magic cookie Time!
what? Not really.
what? That's right, baby.
what's that guy's name over there? Merv Green.
what's this? Keep it down.
what's wrong? Nothing. I'm just...
who wants the first cookie? Me!
why didn't you tell me? I don't want to spoil all your fun.
You did great, buddy. I'm gonna go get drunk now.
You gonna shoot me? Yeah.
You have to go back to kindergarten?! All you said was hit the rhino.
You left me for the rhino! I gotta eat, don't I?
You like kids, huh? sure, of course!
You okay? Yeah.
You raise money for hospitals. we've added a brick or two.
You should get that. Bye. It's okay.
You want a drink? vodka.
You're a fan of the show. smoochy, you know what I love?
You're going down to their level. I'm just wising up.
You're hurting me! You wanna go down in flames?
You're not doing the ice show? No. Now I know what they're about.
You've got a good man there. Just rest.
...and cheap plastic toys that splinter...
...and get lodged in some kid's septum.
...and his aggressive campaign...
...and his twat du jour.
...and take all my headgear off, and you...
...and the wicked thrive!
...and villainize my good name!
...and with the crowds, and they're just cheering...
...and you're shoveling dirt on his corpse?
...another Rainbow Randolph.
...as a heart attack.
...ball it up and let it out in a howl!
...boys and girls, here's Smoochy!
...boys and girls, please welcome smoochy the Rhino and Rainbow Randolph!
...boys and girls, who's your favorite rhino?
...but they won't help a poor hophead. Just once I wish I had a little clout.
...but we've got something different, something personal to me.
...but with alcohol, you're consuming empty calories.
...can get pretty complicated.
...either of you.
...for Pygmies in the congo.
...hand lotions, no animal tested...
...has anyone ever suggested to you that yoga...
...how is that your concern?
...I am gonna do the ice show.
...I knew somebody would come along one day...
...I want to thank you all for being here.
...I wanted to say I'm sorry.
...I'd stick my willie in a nest of funnelwebs if I had to.
...it helps if I'm shitfaced.
...it wasn't about the bells and whistles, it was all about the work.
...it's a crime to waste your power.
...it's a little hard to sing to your friends when you can't see them.
...it's blastoff time.
...it's gonna be like... It's gonna be like heaven.
...Kahlua flavored peanuts...
...let's you and me go make history!
...maybe a high colonic, could loosen you up?
...maybe intimidating, now that the power has changed.
...more information than I care to have at this point.
...my cousin, Moochy!
...of Dicky Dolls that weren't moving. we're friends for years.
...on subjects from vegetables to the importance of donating plasma.
...once the evening meds kick in, it's pretty much sleepytime.
...or he'll stay here yakking all night.
...out of merchandising points. claimed he had a warehouse full...
...owns and controls every inch of smoochy the Rhino.
...side by side, shoulder to shoulder, ladies and gentlemen...
...stokes is sitting with his thumb up his ass.
...sucking club soda through a paper straw...
...that all the bugs will be worked out.
...that gets his head chopped off with an ax!
...the cola. we're in a dick measuring contest over the shampoo.
...the friendliest friend on earth, Rainbow Randolph!
...to introduce a surprise visitor to Jungle Land!
...to slander, vilify, defame, denigrate...
...to where I feel I won't be able to take it anymore?
...very sad right now.
...was found shot to death in a rhinoceros outfit early this morning.
...was someone you could really believe in.
...we found this guy, dug up his corpse, handed him a show...
...we had to name a person representing love and patience. I named him.
...what are the magic numbers?
...when he couldn't sell his face.
...when I was a bit of a kiddie host groupie.
...which contains no less than two addictive substances.
...while your table at 21 was occupied by the new Marion Frank stokes...
...with a dildo strapped to his head.
...you'll always be playing to a very appreciative, but limited audience.
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