Balls of Fury (2007) Edit

A clock. That's noon.

A high stakes tournament, at a secret location.

A true Ping Pong player must always be aware of his surroundings.

After you.

All right, first up we have Andy...

All right, let's keep the love going for our very next act,

All right, they don't expect us to catch Feng.

All right!

All right? You're here to win. Get your head in the game.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. I'm in.

All right. Thanks, man. Appreciate it.

All we did was play Boggle.

Always read the fine print, amigo.

Am I right?

And a smash by Manslaughter. And Randy Daytona makes the save.

And again, I'm sorry about abbreviating your dates on the headstone.

And by extension, all of Orange County.

And checked off Czechoslovakia in round two.

And e mail me when you make up your mind.

And he never trains gweilo.

And holder of the Canadian cup,

And if he lives to be 100, he'll never live down that Disneyland line.

And if we want Feng's scouts to see Randy win some trophies,

And now in 1988, the name on everyone's lips,

And now, eat, drink, enjoy.

And right offhand, I don't know what those names are.

And sold it again to the Crips.

And teaching gweilo is forbidden. You know that!

And the crowd rises in anticipation!

And then you're in. You got it?

And we'll go for a ride.

And what, man? What do you want me to do about it?

And when Le Ping tried to go straight, he killed him.

And yet these things that I say, over and over again,

And you use Lady Speed Stick.

And you were 15 minutes late to the banquet.

And...

ANNOUNCER: Breathtaking intensity surrounds the table

Any last words?

Anything in the government's power if you help us out.

Are you a real, fully licensed FBI guy?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me? Uh uh.

Are you okay?

Are you still waiting for your backup?

As Daytona and Manslaughter fire away at each other.

As I recall, you kicked me out.

As Reno's golden boy was humiliated in the semifinals,

As you can see, the paddle contains a riddle in Chinese.

AUDIENCE: You suck!

Back to the old grindstone.

Back!

Backup's right outside, they just signaled.

Bad guys have homing beacons, too.

Be careful. Okay?

Because I think you'd make a wonderful addition to the Triad.

Because she is the only prostitute I can afford.

Before he scores another point. All right? Relax.

Blow it out your ass, bitch.

Boring. Kill them. Kill them both.

Both men distancing themselves from the table now.

But didn't I hear you speak English on the phone yesterday?

But I'm gonna snoop around today.

But Master will accept.

But some agent was looking for you backstage.

But you did teach me one thing, Master.

But you keep coming back for more and more.

But you missed the table!

By the super group Def Leppard.

Bye.

Can I hear a double huh huh?

Can I hear a word?

Can I talk to you for a second?

Can you dig it?

Can you...

Caucasians.

Check this out.

Chop chop.

Come back, gweilo.

Come here, baby.

Come on

Come on, fast, fast, fast. Heads down. Heads down.

Come on, guys. Can't we talk about this?

Come on, let's bring him out.

Come on, little kid.

Come on, man. They're gonna kick your ass!

Come on, man. You got a hidden camera on you, right?

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come, gweilo.

Come, walk with me. Randy, I have a proposition for you.

Coming up after the break, the final round.

Competition will continue as scheduled.

Cufflinks? It's a ring.

Cut it out. You're not allowed to do that.

Dad, you promised.

Dad!

Damn, bro.

Daytona.

Deutschland! Deutschland! Deutschland! Deutschland!

Did that hurt? Yes!

Did you find anything?

Do I have to eat that?

Do not signal unless you have proof of what Feng is up to.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a panda these days?

Do you think I'd come in here without a backup plan?

Don't be so hard on yourself, you know. You got mad skills.

Don't hate. The school's upstairs.

Don't let it happen again.

Don't screw this up, Rodriguez.

Down the hall, eighth door on the left.

Dragon say, May Wong's school of table tennis last 1,000 years.

Dragon say, This is not over yet, whitey!

Dragon says, This serve, no can defend.

Drinking martinis, saving girls from danger.

Drive me crazier

Dude, I totally knew you'd rescue me!

Dude! What?

Each player can bring a coach, a doctor, two carry ons.

Eat it!

ELECTRONIC VOICE: Five minutes to detonation and counting.

ELECTRONIC VOICE: Self destruct sequence activated.

ELECTRONIC VOICE: Two minutes to detonation.

Endurance.

Enough shop talk.

Entering to his unofficial theme song, Rock of Ages,

Ernie Rodriguez, FBI.

ERNIE: Okay, no more games.

ERNIE: The man with the umbrella is our target.

ERNIE: We have reason to believe he's about to make

ERNIE: We're here.

Every day.

Every time you miss, the voltage doubles.

Everyone, wear a nametag.

Excuse me!

Excuse me?

Explain the house is rigged to blow. That will buy us time.

Eye hand coordination.

F E N G.

Fantastique.

Fantastique.

FBI!

FBI!

FBI!

Feeling good? Oh, yeah.

Feng only finished one half of his training.

Feng was my most gifted pupil.

Feng, not Fang.

FENG: Randy.

Feng!

Feng?

Feng? Feng.

Feng's match is coming up.

Fine!

Fine. I'll pick.

First of all, I know getting here was the commute from hell.

First player to lead by 3, wins.

Follow me!

Foolish secret agent man.

For as long as I can remember, guys have been in here

For hard cash and cheap, ugly women.

For the last five years, I've been at a desk, typing.

Four time Australian champion, Mr. Wedge McDonald!

Freddy Fingers Wilson.

Freeze!

From here we go alone.

From Japan, Mr. Yukito Nagasaki!

Game not in paddle, game in you, is usually my big finish.

Game not in paddle. Game in you.

Gary. Yo!

Gentlemen, time is money.

Gentlemen. Athletes.

George Takei? Mr. Sulu? I know. It's not, though. We checked him out.

Get out!

Get out. I don't teach gweilo.

Get to the boat!

Get to the dock!

Get your own boat, Pedro! I call this one.

Get your stink out of my theater.

Give it up for Master Feng.

Give me a hand with my balls, Maggie.

Give me the thing.

Gives wax off a whole new meaning.

Go ahead and kiss her already!

Go ahead.

God, slow down.

Gonna start a fire

Good luck on the new school, gweilo.

Good luck, kid.

Good luck, Randy.

Good luck, secret agent man. Take care of Uncle, okay?

Good luck.

Good to be back on the circuit again, huh?

Goose, run them through the hardware they'll need.

Got change for $5? That's all I got.

Guess a guy like you has to have a lot of security around all the time, huh?

Guns is my new business, and business is booming.

Guys!

Guys! Guys!

Gweilo loses,

Gweilo,

Gweilo, only you can restore our honor.

Gweilo! Have I taught you nothing?

Hands on training.

Hands on your head!

Have you seen my dad?

Have you tried these pleasure girls?

Have your grandma pull the car around.

He began to steal and extort.

He lured my brother Le Ping in with him.

He needs to go to bathroom.

He only takes Chinese students.

He played for the Chinese when he was a kid.

He played table tennis like the devil in short shorts.

He stretches.

He took my Uzi.

He won, right?

He'd have wanted you to have it.

He's back and he's bad, the one and only Karl Wolfschtagg!

Hello, Feng's mansion!

Hello.

Here he is showing us his skills with his lucky Def Leppard paddle

Here you go, dude.

Here, use this paddle.

Here's the thing. You're bananas.

Here's your money.

Hey, a volunteer! How you doing, buddy?

Hey, actually, I thought that was part of the show.

Hey, big guy, I just want to make sure you're ready.

Hey, Dad. I'm sorry I haven't been around in awhile.

Hey, gweilo!

Hey, how you doing, Master? Good morning.

Hey, I wanted to thank you for everything that you've done for me.

Hey, secret agent man.

Hey, these shoes look like they need a shine?

Hey, you want a brew? I sure could use one.

Hey!

Hey! Hey, come on. That stings. Who said that?

Hey.

Hey. Less talkie talkie. More Ping Pong.

Hey...

Hi.

Hi.

His face has never been photographed.

His men go to tournaments all over the world,

His name is Mr. Feng.

Hola. You like chorizo?

Hop to it. The rest of you, get out.

How could I know that he had a bad heart?

How did you know that we were gweilo?

How was Disneyland?

How was Disneyland? Did you meet Dumbo?

How was I supposed to know you were gonna change your mind?

How's everybody feeling this afternoon?

How's my collar?

Huh?

I assure you.

I believe it's my serve, Feng.

I bid you toodles.

I blow you a fart. How do you like that?

I broke it.

I came to ask you for your help.

I can take these punks.

I can't guess. What is it?

I can't keep running away from that German fruit salad.

I can't tell you how disappointed I am.

I changed the rules a little.

I could use the cash. Ha ha.

I demand retribution! I did not come all this way...

I demand.... Blah blah blah. Get over it.

I didn't sneak in two of these for nothing.

I do matinee shows. I get introduced by a cockatoo.

I do not mean them.

I don't know why you couldn't just say that you love me.

I don't usually give strangers the full tour, but I don't know. Randy...

I don't want to work.

I give you my word.

I got a huge day tomorrow. Big day.

I got a plan B.

I got something to say

I got this girlfriend back home.

I got... Two tickets to paradise!

I guess it's a theme that it's haunted. Something.

I hate you guys.

I have assembled today, for your entertainment pleasure,

I have no choice. I have to disqualify you.

I have said some cruel things about you to my friends here at the tournament.

I have stripped everything down for you.

I have to be a smidge off the beaten track here.

I haven't gotten to wear a tuxedo

I heard that.

I just want to bang on these drums all day long. Am I right?

I just want to say

I just... Put it back.

I knew that.

I knew you could do it, man!

I know because you're fired.

I know what you're trying to get, table jockey.

I know.

I know. Huh?

I know. My serve, I think.

I love jewelry.

I love that smell.

I love the smell of pancakes.

I love you, Maggie.

I love you, Randy!

I love you!

I mean, I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do now.

I mean, she's not my girlfriend. Yet.

I meant pancakes.

I missed you, too.

I missed you.

I need some time to warm up.

I never would've gone to that audition in Orlando.

I said you could have been great, but you never finished your training.

I said, Yes!

I shall carry it with me always.

I should have told you.

I suppose Karl is our champion.

I tell you something right now, the truth.

I think he would be very proud of you.

I think we all assume that it is Randy.

I think we'll have to sneak this in the old fashioned way.

I think you'll want to help us catch him, Randy.

I thought this would be much more interesting, huh?

I told them that the reason that you hate me so much

I told you I was rusty. I haven't competed in 19 years.

I want you 'cause it would break Wong's heart.

I want you to have this.

I was just going for more Cheese 'n Mac.

I will destroy him!

I will help you, secret agent man.

I won't bite. Not anywhere that will show.

I would've given you anything. Anything in the world!

I...

I'd hate to have to relocate. The place ain't much, but it's homey.

I'd like you to come and work for me as my personal assistantlhanger on.

I'll tell the elders.

I'm afraid your reputation has preceded you, Agent Rodriguez.

I'm cool, man. I'm cool.

I'm exaggerating, of course, but you get my point.

I'm FBI, pendejo!

I'm gonna go tell Rodriguez.

I'm gonna save the panda!

I'm just trying to get better acquainted.

I'm not a spy, man.

I'm not gonna let you lose, Maggie.

I'm not gonna play you, Randy.

I'm not joking, man. I'm FBI. I swear.

I'm not leaving without you, Ying Ying!

I'm not. It's just a game.

I'm [email protected]. Pradafan is all one word.

I'm serious, man. I mean, why...

I'm sorry for you that your papa is not here to see you.

I'm sorry, man.

I'm still trying to figure out if it's a dude or a chick.

I'm sure you'll get an invitation.

I'm the backup plan.

I'm up to 70 words a minute.

I've waited many years to meet you again, face to face.

If gweilo beats the Dragon, it will reach Feng's ears,

If he returns to America, a life of shame.

If it isn't my old master.

If the guns are there, I'll set the beacon and my guys will be here

If we stop playing, it will kill us both.

If you help Randy and me get to Feng's, we'll nail him.

If you're as good as you used to be,

In my hand I hold a cricket.

Invitation only.

Is because I had sex with your mother.

Is it always this crowded?

Is such a Kodak moment.

Is to build a temple on shifting sand.

It belongs to the greatest player I have ever known.

It has defeated many enemies.

It is better to die like a tiger than to live like a pussy.

It is played in the shadows, in dark alleys and backrooms

It is with great honor that I present your host.

It means round eye. Gringo. You, man.

It takes patience.

It takes years to learn her tricks.

It was on sale.

It will bring my spare change great honor.

It would be an honor for me to give you my life.

It's a new lucky cricket.

It's a pretty okay water slide, though. It's called Eerie Canals.

It's impossible, man. Nobody can do that.

It's my own private table. Custom made.

It's nice. Thank you very much.

It's not just a game!

It's not like I get these shoes for free.

It's on the back of the paddle here in English.

It's really not necessary.

It's your point, Feng.

Jesus!

John Wayne Airport, maybe. They got a private hangar there

Just hurry!

Just say, Yes.

Karl Wolfschtagg!

Kick some ass out there. Kick some ass, all right?

Laughs at you when you are naked.

Le Ping's daughter was left fatherless.

Let me guess.

Let me help you with that, Master.

Let me show you my pride and joy.

Let me tell you what you can tell the Dragon.

Let the games begin.

Let them work it out, man. Let them work it out.

Let's get out of here. He's gonna be really mad.

Let's go to heaven

Let's go, pussycat, one more time.

Let's settle this, once and for all.

Like sex slaves?

Listen to me.

Listen to me. You said that you were gonna get me out of here, right?

Listen to me. You said that you were gonna get me out of here, right?

Listen, you kill me now,

Longest day. Wednesday, nine letters.

Look out!

Look, I joined the company for action, man.

Look, if I don't spend the night in here, it's...

Look, this year Feng's invited a who's who

Look, you don't have to do anything but play Ping Pong, man.

Lots of luck!

Maggie, come on.

Maggie, is that you?

Maggie!

Maggie! No, Randy, no.

MAHOGANY: Game point.

MAHOGANY: One One.

MAHOGANY: One zero. Randy Daytona.

MAHOGANY: Set and match.

MAHOGANY: Three point game to the death.

MAHOGANY: Three point game. To the death.

Man, I got to get you in shape.

Man, we were way off George Takei.

MAN: (SINGING) Two tickets to paradise!

Master had a fantastic time last night.

Master, are you all right?

Master, look. It's your brother's paddle. It's my winning paddle.

Match forfeit to East Germany.

May I interest you in an Altoid or some Axe Body Spray?

May I invite you to select from one of Mr. Feng's courtesans of pleasure.

May the best man win, huh?

Maybe he missed the show.

Maybe he's dead. I'm not sure. I'm not really sure what they eat.

Maybe I never should have.

Maybe we need to take a break. Get some fresh air. Cool off.

Maybe we should keep this closed.

Me, his old pupil, luring his protégé to the dark side

Me, the money and the Chinese broad are taking off.

Me? Yeah.

Mr. Daytona, we'll see you at the tournament.

Mr. Daytona, you're the only one who can lead us to Feng.

Mr. Feng does not extend credit.

Mr. Feng has gone to great lengths

Mr. Feng, there's been an accident.

Mr. Feng?

Mr. Freddy Fingers Wilson.

Must win by two.

My girl, she really knows how to handle a man.

My goodness!

My master, Mr. Feng, would be honored to have you at his tournament.

My mother died when I was two. I hardly knew her.

My name's Sarah.

My personal odds on favorite from the '88 games,

NARRATOR: 1936, Jesse Owens. 1960, Cassius Clay.

Never hug a man with a million bucks worth of hardware up his crack.

NEWS REPORTER: The golden boy who iced Iceland in round one,

NEWS REPORTER: Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles here in Korea.

Next thing I know, boom. Sex slave.

Nice plane.

No can do.

No hard feelings, huh?

No mercy, Randy.

No one has hit it back in five years of table tennis.

No serenade, no fire brigade

No, but you got to win here to get to State.

No, don't...

No, I couldn't do that.

No, I couldn't. I couldn't.

No, I'm not kidding.

No, no, no, no. No FBI.

No, no, no. I will carry the box.

No, no.

No, you must be mistaken, because I don't speak any English.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

Nobody else would be caught dead on Operation Ping Pong.

Nobody's ever made it past three zip.

Noon, Wednesday, John Wayne Airport.

Not to give them a heart attack, Randy!

Not you, you're doing great.

Now comes the difficult part.

Now every five years he brings the best to him.

Now I am proud.

Now why don't you put on some big boy pants

Now, for the time being, you will practice with this.

Now, gweilo, we begin.

Now, here's how it's gonna go down.

Now, presenting East Germany,

Now, presenting the United States of America,

Of course not, no.

Of course.

Of the greatest Ping Pong players ever to take up the sport.

Of the international most wanted list.

Oh yeah! Oh yeah!

Oh, boy!

Oh, come on!

Oh, crap!

Oh, crap!

Oh, dear.

Oh, Feng!

Oh, God! I didn't mean to hurt that guy!

Oh, God.

Oh, great, blow dart, yeah?

Oh, gweilo.

Oh, jeez.

Oh, let's go, let's strike a light

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

Oh, my God!

Oh, no, no, dude. I want a rematch. Best out of seven!

Oh, no!

Oh, right. Yeah. Right.

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Oh, thank you.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, that's right, man. I'm in Chinatown.

Oh, them. They're just for show. Nobody'd try anything in here.

Oh, wait. Yes, I do. I do get them for free.

Oh, we got the golden paddle.

Oh, well.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you got to be kidding me. Where we going, Tijuana?

Okay, let's get out of here.

Okay, well, time out.

Okay, you do that. You do that.

Okay, you're not here to have fun.

Okay! All right! Okay! All right! As a friend! As a friend, I rescued you.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Okie dokie artichokie.

On the longest day, two hands reach towards heaven.

On the longest day. Yeah. It's 5 7 5. That's a haiku.

One bounce, it counts. My bad.

One more time.

One that calls for a man of your unique skills.

Only when I'm not teaching.

Oops. Clumsy, clumsy hippos.

Open! Eat it!

Or at least until the lease is up in August.

Other than myself.

Ow!

Owned by a Japanese corporation goes by the name of Haiku Cargo.

Panda's totally fake.

People bet on Ping Pong here.

Ping Pong is not the Macarena.

Ping Pong,

Possibly the greatest player ever to emerge from the West.

Practicing in front of a mirror.

Promptness.

Pudgy.

Put it in a tube of toothpaste, something like that?

Randy Daytona

Randy Daytona is the victor.

Randy Daytona versus Karl Wolfschtagg.

Randy Daytona versus Yukito Nagasaki.

Randy Daytona, unable to finish.

Randy Daytona!

Randy Daytona! Randy Daytona!

Randy Daytona.

Randy, I'm trying to sacrifice my life for our love.

Randy, let me cut through the bullpoop.

Randy, something big's going down.

Randy, the eyes of all America, and indeed the entire world,

Randy, wait.

Randy, you're only 12 years old, and already they're saying

RANDY: Give it up!

Randy!

Randy!

Randy?

Randy? Randy?

Randy? Randy? You okay?

Randy.

Ready, gweilo?

Real Ping Pong is not played for trophies.

Really hard.

Really? Me?

Remember what I told you, gweilo!

Remember, you suck when you are nervous.

Represent.

Rise up, gather round

Rock this place to the ground

Rodriguez?

Rodriguez?

Rule one, gweilo. No touching my niece.

Same way that I can tell you are 30 years old.

Say hello to my little friend!

Searching for the best of the best.

Seriously, stop it!

She brings her father, Le Ping, great honor.

She is cruel.

She is like a fine, well aged prostitute.

She say,

She say, No fair. She wasn't ready.

She say, That wasn't real no can defend serve.

Shit!

Shit!

Silence. What's done is done. Let's hope it works.

Since my goddaughter Martha's quinceañera, man.

Slow down in English.

Slow down.

Snazzy.

So I got you a little something.

So let me guess, fellows.

So proud of you that he would probably bet some money on you again.

So sorry, don't speak English.

So they will stay for the loosest slots on The Strip.

So turn off the charm, table jockey.

So watch out.

So what? What? What are you gonna do?

So why don't we take a moment to meet the real Randy Daytona?

So you just plant it, flip the switch and backup's on its way.

So you think you're good, huh, gweilo?

So, I'm good.

So, Maggie, what do you do when you're not here?

So, Randy Daytona.

So, we meet again.

So... So.

Some kind of a major shipment into the US.

Something I can work with. You know what I mean.

Son of a bitch!

Sorry, gweilo, I'm out.

Sorry, Rick. It will never happen again.

Sorry. It's okay.

Sounds like somebody's getting lucky.

Soup got cold.

Sport of emperors and bandits alike.

Stole it back,

Stop being such a dick!

Stop it! Are you insane? These are not replicas!

Stop!

Substitles : Passion MAN

Super.

Sweet dreams, Mr. Daytona.

Table jockey.

Take a bow, honey.

Take it, you are ready.

Tastes good.

Teaching outsiders is forbidden.

Team Daytona.

Tell me, Randy, does he still dress as if he shops at Elton John's garage sale?

Tell your dead parents I said, What's up?

Thank you, Bethany.

Thank you, Master.

Thank you!

Thanks a lot, kid!

Thanks, man.

Thanks, man.

Thanks, Master.

Thanks.

That is my lucky cricket.

That is right!

That sounds like a challenge to me.

That was nice.

That your name will go down among those

That...

That's impressive. Yeah.

That's my point, Feng.

That's my point, Feng.

That's not why I'm here.

That's the guy that killed my father.

That's won him over 200 amateur matches.

The backhand.

The batteries in them store enough electricity to kill 3.8 men.

The Dragon is the most feared table tennis player in all Chinatown.

The FBI needs you to take part in a top secret mission.

The first competitors are...

The game is to 11.

The golden boy who couldn't even bronze. You're Wong's new protégé.

The Hammer.

The joke's on you, pretty boy. It's not cologne, it's Lady Speed Stick.

The man who sold the Dragon his fire,

The men's table tennis semifinals.

The most talented table tennis athletes from around the globe.

The new slide's a little close, isn't it?

The numbers were, like, 100 bucks a pop, and apostrophes were free so...

The panda's dead!

The part of Karl Wolfschtagg will be played by...

The Peppermill's very own Ping Pong wizard...

The Ping Pong table doesn't know that.

The switch is on the right.

The tournament is single elimination, sudden death.

The way I play, you could hit it off anything you want.

The whole place is wired to blow.

The world's greatest Ping Pong instructor owns a takeout restaurant?

The years have not been kind to you.

There she is!

There will be a slight change in today's program for the final match.

There you go.

There's a gate here. There's a blind man walking around.

There's a high elevation lob. Tremendous accuracy.

These are... These are all...

These guys, these are dudes.

These new polymer guns go on sale Thursday.

They are fully prepared to satisfy each and every one of your desires.

They are fully versed in both the sensual and the erotic arts.

They go right through a metal detector.

They got 20 agents working other angles, man.

They got this place locked down pretty tight,

They were supposed to be here by now. Look, don't worry, Randy.

This guy doesn't seem so tough to me.

This guy here, five time world champ.

This guy looks really tough.

This guy's blind, so let me do the talking.

This is an outrage!

This is an outrage!

This is far from over, Daytona!

This is Freddy Fingers.

This is not very honorable!

This is the FBI.

This is the real security.

This is your homing device, this is the transmitter.

This next one, this, no can defend.

This one is for you, Daytona!

This pen contains enough cyanide to kill everyone within 100 yard radius.

This rescue sucks, dude.

This sketch is based on the description by a late agent of the ATF.

This way, gentlemen.

This way. Up the stairs!

Till the paramedics showed up, I was laughing my ass off.

Time out.

Time we don't have. Feng's tournament's in two weeks.

To bring the bewonderment of live theater to these people,

To select the most beautiful courtesans from around the world.

To strengthen the body and not the mind