Bull Durham (1988) Edit

A big fucking donut hole for 16.

A gork. You get a ground ball.

A new league record.

A staggering start by LaLoosh.

A woman should be so strong and powerful

About commitment to a young boy you can boss around.

Actually, nobody on this planet ever really chooses each other.

Afraid not, pal.

After 12 years in the minor leagues, I don't try out.

After sweeping the July 4 doubleheader the Durham Bulls were tied for first.

Ain't he warming up yet?

All my limbs put together aren't worth seven cents a pound.

All right, he's gonna throw the deuce now.

All right, here we go. Stay back. Relax.

All right, honey, let's get down to it. How was Ebby Calvin LaLoosh?

All right, Meat. Give him your heat.

All right, one and two. You can hit this shit. Relax.

All right, then.

All right, yeah!

All right, you've seen all his pitches.

All right! Good way to start, baby.

All right?

All right.

All right.

All right. Nobody's gone out there.

All right. Take the first shot at me.

Also, new league records.

And as the batter steps in...

And Crash, who kept hitting dingers

And don't hold the ball so hard, okay?

And for one extraordinary June and July

And frankly, sports fans, he used a certain word

And have a nice smile, does not mean you are not full of shit.

And he's breathing out of his eyelids like a lava lizard.

And he's not dim. He's just inexperienced.

And hooves and everything, that in another lifetime

And I am going to the Show.

And I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.

And I don't wanna think about nothing.

And I don't wanna think about quantum physics.

And I think Susan Sontag is brilliant.

And I think this is one of those times.

And I wanna hear every damn one of them,

And if you ban me, he just might take that scoreboard away.

And kicked the holy shit out of Greensboro in a three game set.

And kind of dangle off your thighs and buns in such a wonderful way.

And kind of hold onto it for a few hours

And nobody seems to know what to get Millie or Jimmy

And now batting for the Bulls, number eight, Crash Davis.

And now WRDU radio presents

And now, "The Greatest Show on Dirt,"

And possibly the worst Durham team in half a century.

And pretty.

And the fundamental ontological riddles of our time,

And the good Lord willing, things will work out.

And the good Lord willing, things will work out.

And the good Lord willing, things will work out.

And the only church that truly feeds the soul

And the press will think you're colorful.

And The Sporting News didn't say anything about it.

And the winning streak came to an end with a 3 2 loss.

And then rechannel it into your pitching tonight.

And there are 108 stitches in a baseball.

And turned your right arm into a thunderbolt.

And what did he say?

And when you speak of me, speak well.

And woke up with a note.

And you just got lesson number one, don't think.

And you, Larry Hockett, should recognize me

Annie nailed you? Annie did?

Annie only wants you 'cause she can boss you around. Got it?

Annie Savoy. Wanna dance?

Annie says it'll keep one side of my brain

Annie says it's my new nickname.

Annie,

Annie, you can't seduce me.

Annie.

Annie.

Annie.

Annie. Annie.

Anybody ain't in this shower in ten seconds gonna get fined $100.

Anything bothering him?

Anything that travels that far ought to have a damn stewardess on it.

Anything that travels that far ought to have a damn stewardess on it.

Anyway, a good friend of mine used to say,

Anyway, my attempts at housekeeping were feeble as usual.

Are we gonna fuck or what?

Are you out of your mind?

Aren't you glad to see me?

At least the son of a bitch left me breakfast.

At the ticket box for her daddy, Cedar Baker.

Baby, come on. Fire one in here.

Back! Back! Back!

Bad news was it was the wrong guy.

Ball hit deep in the right field, off the wall.

Ball two, in the dirt.

Ballparks are like cathedrals.

Base hit to center field off LaLoosh.

Baseball may be a religion full of magic, cosmic truth

Beats the hell out of working at Sears.

Beautiful as the winning streak was, I was getting damn lonely.

Beautiful night for baseball here in Durham.

Because it doesn't work that way, you fool.

Because you got talent.

Because you weren't thinking about it, 'cause you were pissed off at me.

Beg me! Pretty please, beg! Pretty please, beg!

Begging the question, what are these boys thinking about?

Besides,

Better find our "bonus baby."

Between your feet and your testicles.

Big club's expanding its roster to finish out the season.

Big club's got 100 grand in him.

Big mistake.

Breaking ball.

Bring it on, baby!

Bring it! Bring it! Bring it!

Bring it. Bring it. Bring it.

Bring it. Bring it. Bring it.

Bring me the gas.

Bring me the gas.

Bus leaves 6:00 in the morning.

But bad trades are part of baseball.

But he also said that there were times for discipline and self control.

But hope to turn it around tonight with the professional debut

But I still think you should leave.

But I'm sure nobody else did.

But it just didn't work out between us. The Lord laid too much guilt on me.

But it's also a job.

But most of all, it's out there.

But now I'm tired and I don't want to think about baseball.

But Nuke was still confused.

But the fact is, it's a spacious non time kind of time to it.

But why is he all twisting up like that?

But you don't respect the game, and that's my problem.

But, Joe, this guy's got some serious shit.

But...

Bye, y'all. Bye.

Call me a cocksucker, and you're out of here!

Can I give you my testimony?

Can you believe it?

Can't you even let me enjoy the moment?

Catch?

Charlie, here comes the deuce.

Charlie, here comes the deuce.

City Council Little League Cash Drop Day.

Come inside, I'll buy you a drink.

Come on, Annie. Think of something clever to say.

Come on, Crash.

Come on, Crash. Just relax. You got it, honey.

Come on, folks. Let's hear it for Max Patkin,

Come on, just once. I won't bother you the rest of the day.

Come on, man. Let me have some of that stuff.

Come on, Meat. Bring me that weak ass shit.

Come on, Meat. Throw me that weak ass shit.

Come on, Nuke. Settle down. Settle down, boy. Take your time.

Come on, Nuke. You're the man. No batter. Chuck hard, baby.

Come on, rook. Show us that million dollar arm

Come on, sweetie. I just want to have you alone for a second

Come on!

Come on. Get your ass in gear.

Come on. Put your hands together for Crash.

Come on. Show them what you got, Super Nuke!

Come on. You ain't getting that cheese by me.

Come over and sit down.

Come over here.

Congratulations.

Couple flares drop in for me, I'm right back in the groove.

Crash Davis? I'm Joe Riggins.

Crash must have called the guy a cocksucker.

Crash tells me I gotta quit worrying about him

Crash took off at dawn.

Crash was right, Nuke had a gift.

Crash, Crash. Nuke, what's happening?

Crash, shut the door.

Crash, that was fabulous.

Crash, wait! All's I want is a date.

Crash, you got room!

Crash?

Crash.

Crash.

Cut it!

Cute? Baby ducks are cute. I hate cute!

Dad would love a shutout.

Dad!

Damn it!

Damn, Crash, how you doing?

Damn, nobody's ever said no to a date with me before.

Damn!

Damn!

Day in, day out, is the Church of Baseball.

Despite my rejection of most Judeo Christian ethics

Did you boys stop fighting?

Did you hear what I said? I'm going to the Show.

Did you hit me with your right hand, did you hit me with your left?

Did you hit me with your right hand, did you hit me with your left?

Did you see that? Because your delivery was fully integrated

Dim pretty boy.

Do you think I deserve to wear white?

Don't be such guys. Max, let's dance.

Don't I look nice?

Don't let him in your kitchen.

Don't take this personal, Millie, but if I catch you in here again

Don't think too much.

Don't think, just throw.

Don't think, just throw.

Don't try to strike everybody out.

Don't worry about it.

Don't you think?

Double off the wall by Higgins.

Drive careful.

Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh,

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh.

Ebby tells me you taught him a lot about discipline and self control.

Ebby, honey.

Ebby!

Ebby's told me a lot about you.

Eight and 16.

English 101 and Beginning Composition.

Even if it is the Carolina League this is a chance to play every day.

Even if it probably is latent homosexuality being rechanneled.

Everybody into the shower!

Excuse me, Dad.

Excuse me, guys. I've got a game to pitch here.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. What the hell's going on out here?

Exploding sliders.

Fastball again? Why's he want the heat?

Fastball.

Fastball.

Fear and ignorance.

Fire one in there. Come on.

First time the Bulls have been ahead in weeks, eh, Whitey?

Five earned runs, five hits, five strikeouts, five walks and five wild pitches.

Folks, we have a little lost girl up here.

For a while, all right?

For instance, there are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary

For their wedding present.

Forget it.

Foul ball!

Foul ball!

Fuck it! It's a cocksucking call!

Fuck me.

Fuck!

Fuck.

Fun, God damn it.

Funny thing was I stopped worrying about Nuke.

Game starts in four minutes. Why ain't you warm?

Get a hit, Crash.

Get the broad out of your head!

Get the hell out of here.

Give me a piece of that!

Give me a rag.

Give me the ball.

Give me the ball.

Give me the ball. Come on. I'm tired of hearing this.

Go ahead. Put it back on.

Go get 'em, boys! Hit them where they ain't.

Go get 'em, one, two, three, babe. Get 'em, big guy.

Go, Crash!

God damn it. Time out.

God damn, I hate people that get the words wrong.

God, I can't keep giving you these free lessons.

God, I like this song.

God, I think you're real cute.

God, I'm tired.

God, stupid fuck, Crash.

God, that was beautiful. What did I do?

God, you are gorgeous.

Goddamn, son of a bitching, motherfucking shithead!

Goddamn, son of a bitching, motherfucking shithead. God damn it!

Good idea. Did anybody bring a ball?

Good idea. Did anybody bring a ball?

Good luck.

Good night.

Good night.

Good punch.

Good.

Good.

Good. It's time to work on your interviews.

Good. Physical exhaustion can be spiritually fabulous.

Got it! I got it!

Guess what, man.

Guy gets a free steak.

Had a gun on him tonight.

Has a major league fastball, but sometimes has problems with his control.

Have my mojo working.

Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?

Have you ever been tied up in bed?

Haven't you ever noticed how Fernando Valenzuela,

He called it the Bermuda Triangle.

He just doesn't even look when he pitches?

He said a man could get lost in there and never be heard from again.

He said that getting lost and disappearing from the face of the earth

He said, if I give into you, I'll start losing again.

He says his chakras are jammed.

He started throwing strikes, and we started to win.

He still ain't touched the plate!

He walked 18.

He was kidding. He was kidding.

He was so encouraged by his victory

He's a Mayan Indian.

He's a young, wild,

He's as full of shit as anybody.

He's coming. Go home! Home!

He's crazy.

He's got the best young arm I've seen in 30 years.

He's gotta waste one.

He's having trouble breathing out of his left eyelid.

He's kind of cute.

He's my new catcher.

He's played in more ballparks than I have.

He's probably a bust.

He's really different.

He's right behind home plate. Don't look. Don't look.

He's shaking me off. You believe that shit?

He's the boss.

He's thrown five outs on nine pitches, all of them strikes.

He's using his parietal eye, just like Fernando.

He's wearing garters

Hell of a shot.

Hello?

Hello? What?

Here you go. Let me get that black bag.

Here, Millie.

Here, wait a minute. Watch. Watch.

Here's the pitch.

Hey, Annie, what's all this molecule stuff?

Hey, boss, I got a question.

Hey, Crash. Does that mean what I think it means?

Hey, Dino.

Hey, fellas, that's what we need, man.

Hey, hey, hey! Come on, Crash!

Hey, hey.

Hey, I'm Millie.

Hey, Jimmy!

Hey, Millie.

Hey, Mr. Hormone, check out this.

Hey, Nuke.

Hey, Skip, it's me.

Hey, Skip, that Max, hell of a guy.

Hey, why you shaking me off?

Hey, you guys. Don't throw me anything.

Hey! Hey!

Hey.

Hey. I'm Millie.

Hi, 18. Hi, 12.

Hi, boys.

Hi, darling. Get in here.

Hi.

Hi.

Hit me in the chest with that.

Hit my dinger and I hung them up.

Home run for Burt Crook of the Fayetteville Generals.

Home run.

Honey,

Honey, hold on. Slow down.

Honey, I want you to wear these when you're pitching on the road.

Honey, we all deserve to wear white.

Honey, you are a regular nuclear meltdown.

Honey. Sweetheart.

Hop in.

Hope I can help the ball club.

Hope you end up on the cover of Sports Illustrated

How about a little back rub?

How come in former lifetimes everybody is somebody famous?

How come nobody ever says they were "Joe Schmoe"?

How come you don't like me?

How dare you tell Nuke to stay out of my bed.

How embarrassing.

How much time did you and Jimmy spend together

How would you know?

How's Annie?

Huh.

Hundred bucks says I can get us a rainout for tomorrow.

I actually saw him read a book without pictures once.

I ain't paying for this. Crash, pay for this.

I ain't paying for this. Crash, pay for this.

I ain't pissing nothing away. I got a Porsche already.

I ain't queer. No, I ain't.

I am not some, quote, "piece of ass," unquote.

I am so proud of you guys.

I am warm.

I am, within the framework of the baseball season, monogamous.

I beg. I plead. I try to be a nice guy.

I believe in the Church of Baseball.

I believe in the sweet spot, soft core pornography,

I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone.

I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment

I can do that, too.

I can expand their minds.

I can get us a rainout.

I can't remember the last time I had a base hit.

I dare you to throw me the hammer.

I didn't mean to hit you, man.

I don't believe in quantum physics when it comes to matters of the heart.

I don't dance.

I don't know what to do with these guys.

I fucking quit, all right? I quit.

I give up. I give up. Let's go inside and make love and fall asleep

I got a 911 with a quadraphonic Blaupunkt.

I got a lot of time to hear your theories.

I got lured.

I gotta find Crash. Come on. I'll dump you off.

I guess you do.

I have been known on occasion to howl at the moon.

I heard about shit like this.

I heard already.

I hook up with one guy a season.

I just like seeing you get all worked up.

I just wanna be.

I just wanna give it my best shot.

I knew it. You're trying to seduce me.

I know how to pitch.

I know things.

I know what it is.

I know women like you.

I know y'all think I'm pretty square, but I believe what I believe.

I know you're in there. I can hear that crazy Mexican singer.

I know.

I know. I have that dream all the time, too.

I know. I know, I know, but they're nice hips.

I know. I know.

I know. Write it down.

I love a little macho male bonding.

I love winning, man.

I mean, baseball seems like a linear game with all those lines and box scores.

I mean, because you understand about nonlinear thinking.

I mean, every time I pitched, it was like throwing gasoline on a fire.

I mean, I...

I mean, it doesn't just feel out there, it feels out there.

I mean, it wasn't the first time I went to bed with a guy

I mean, later.

I mean, the Durham Bulls can't lose, and I can't get laid.

I mean...

I needed a man.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

I prefer metaphysics to theology.

I put in a word for you with the organization.

I quit.

I remember. I should have thrown a slider.

I said it was a cocksucking call! You can't throw me for that.

I sometimes get easily distracted.

I swear to God. Just touch the bat once.

I teach part time at Alamance Junior College,

I think I'll just take a little nap.

I think it would be great. The Sporting News should know about it.

I think it's sweet. I do.

I think probably with my love for four legged creatures

I thought maybe we could work on some fundamentals

I told him.

I wanna be exotic and mysterious.

I wanna bring heat.

I wanna thank everyone!

I wanna watch.

I want you bad.

I want you to be aware of the chakra connection

I want you to throw the next one at the mascot.

I want you.

I was great, huh?

I was in the Show for 21 days once.

I was just gonna ask Crash to show me how to throw a breaking ball.

I was lousy. I was worse than lousy.

I was playing damn near naked.

I was probably Catherine the Great or Francis of Assisi.

I won't.

I'd kill you.

I'll be back when we lose.

I'll be back.

I'll just read Emily Dickinson or Walt Whitman to him.

I'll take the hex off the fucking glove. Give me the glove.

I'm "the player to be named later."

I'm a little nervous. My old man's here.

I'm all for rechanneling, so who cares, right?

I'm committed to Nuke for the season.

I'm confusing him?

I'm Crash Davis. I'm your new catcher

I'm Crash.

I'm doing a damn poor job of it. Aren't I pretty?

I'm figuring I'm just gonna cave in and sleep with her.

I'm going to the Show.

I'm going to the Show.

I'm gonna be leading a daily chapel service here in the locker room

I'm just happy to be here, and I hope I can help the ball club.

I'm just happy to be here.

I'm just totally exhausted.

I'm not gonna fall in love with you or nothing.

I'm not sure which one.

I'm quitting too.

I'm sorry. He hit .376. That's a career, man.

I'm there. I'm ready.

I'm too old for this shit.

I'm trying to play with your body.

I'm trying to thank you. Come on. Let's get out of this dump.

I've never seen Crash so angry.

I've tried all the major religions and most of the minor ones.

I've tried them all, I really have.

I've worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu,

Ice skaters. God, look at them.

If he's so great, how come he's been in the minors for 10 years?

If I throw too hard, I'm gonna hurt the girl.

If there's one chick who'd know you were pulling your hips out early

If you believe in voodoo.

If you believe you're playing well because you're getting laid

If you don't mind my saying.

If you fell out of a fucking boat.

If you give in now, you might start losing.

If you win 20 in the Show

In addition, he hit the sportswriter,

In the bottom of the eighth, and I tattooed it

In the Show, everybody can hit a fastball.

In the Show, they would have ripped you.

In the South Atlantic League.

Is like a Martian talking to a fungo.

Is she as good as they say?

Is that Greek? Raye Anne. It's a beautiful name.

Is this gonna happen? Us?

It can only hurt the ball club.

It feels out there. It's a major rush.

It says he's not bending his back on his follow through.

It says, "I wanna make love to you. Crash."

It'd be Annie.

It'll help you see things differently.

It's 25 hits.

It's a long season, and you gotta trust it.

It's a miracle.

It's all a question of quantum physics, molecular attraction and timing.

It's an egg. Hold it like an egg.

It's an old Mayan deal.

It's kind of a personal note, kid, so don't read it.

It's kind of my own spring training.

It's like pheromones.

It's more democratic.

It's more tiring than fucking.

It's my job to give him life wisdom and help him get on to the major leagues.

It's okay, Crash. You take it easy, honey.

It's okay.

It's Skip for you.

It's time to tell it like it is, sports fans.

Jeez, sorry. Didn't recognize you.

Jeez, the fact is

Jesus Christ!

Jesus, Annie, I don't know.

Jesus, Ebby, this is your professional debut tonight.

Jesus, Ebby, you look like a truck ran over you.

Jesus, get out of the box, you idiot. Where's your head?

Jesus, man.

Jesus, what kind of chick are you?

Jesus, what's got into Nuke?

Jesus, you got a game to pitch.

Jesus.

Jimmy, God damn it. Loosen up and get laid.

Jimmy, we all pitched in, and we got you a little gift.

Jose made three errors with his cursed mitt.

Jose, come on. Just touch my bat once.

Jose, I am zero for 16.

Just because sometimes you manage to be clever

Just one more dying quail a week and you're in Yankee Stadium.

Just relax out there. Don't aim the ball.

Just throw it at the bull, all right?

Kind of a special wedding cake from the Durham Bulls.

Kind of radical in a kind of tubular way, you know.

Knock knock, you know? Come in.

LaLoosh looks in for the sign. Here's the pitch.

Last chance, your place or mine?

Last five pitches he threw were faster than the first five.

Let her go!

Let the bonus baby pay for it.

Let's bend over, and I'm gonna show you...

Let's celebrate!

Let's go, man. Come on. We're waiting.

Let's go.

Let's go. Come on.

Let's go. Come on. We got five hours. Hurry up. Five hour drive coming up.

Let's play ball! Let's go!

Let's see if the real Nuke LaLoosh will show up.

Like the lava lizards of the Galápagos Islands.

Listen to this.

Listen up, guys. Can I have your attention a minute?

Listen, I am sick and fucking tired of you calling me Meat.

Listen, sweetheart, you shouldn't listen to what a woman says

Listen.

Look at that. He hit the fucking bull.

Look, he's waving. Hey, he's just your old man.

Look, I don't believe in fighting. Let's just...

Look, Nuke,

Looks like a convention. Pretty soon they're gonna call the roll.

Making love is like hitting a baseball,

Man, that is not belief. That's desperation.

Man, there ain't been a cloud in the sky in weeks.

Max, how do you just keep coming back every year?

Maybe a place setting or a silverware pattern's good.

Maybe I am.

Maybe you could find out where she's registered.

Millie, you gotta stay out of the clubhouse.

Million guys give their left nut to be in your shoes.

Mmm. God, he's so romantic.

My girlfriend put a curse on my glove.

My God.

My interviews? What do I gotta do?

My!

My!

Nasty... Nasty work.

Never fuck with a winning streak.

Nice shot.

Ninety five miles an hour.

Ninety six miles an hour. He looks good

No problem! No problem!

No way, man. I don't hit no man first.

No, fear and arrogance, you hayseed, not ignorance.

No, honey, I said, "Nuke."

No, I mean it, that's very hot.

No, I mean it, that's very hot.

No, I'm fine.

No, I'm okay.

No, man, we didn't fuck.

No, no, he's looking for heat.

No, she read poetry to me all night.

No.

No.

No.

No. His professional debut tonight, and he forgets about it.

No. Just no. Please.

No. No, no.

Nobody gets "woolly." Women get "weary."

Nobody's got "stress," they're wearing a "dress."

Not getting that cheese by me, Meat.

Now batting for the Salem Bucks, the center fielder, Joe McCorkle.

Now take it off slowly.

Now that Nuke's gone, they wanna bring up some young catcher.

Now we have got a 12 day road trip starting tomorrow.

Now you get your ass out there!

Now you try. Go ahead.

Now, get. Come on.

Now, I want you to breathe through your eyelids.

Now, that's progress. Come on up here. Get your butt up here.

Nuke could be one of those guys, but you don't give a fuck, Meat.

Nuke, do you know who this is?

Nuke, honey.

Nuke, honey.

Nuke, you got it all wrong.

Nuke. Call me Nuke.

Nuke. Nuke, excuse me. Time to go to work.

Nuke's overthrowing tonight. Don't look loose.

Occupied while I'm on the mound, thus keeping my brain slightly off center

Of course I'm trying to seduce you for God's sake.

Of course you can't breathe through your eyelids.

Of course, a guy will listen to anything if he thinks it's foreplay.

Of course, what I give them lasts a lifetime.

Of heralded young pitcher, Ebby Calvin LaLoosh.

Oh, Annie, I'd like you to meet my father.

Oh, cute. That's really cute.

Oh, God, Annie. Jeez.

Oh, let's not.

Oh, Millie.

Oh, my goodness!

Oh, my Lord!

Oh, my Lord!

Oh, my, what a nice back.

Oh, my!

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

Oh, my. Damn.

Oh, no, he's shaking off the signs.

Oh.

Okay, he's got vision there. Get close, baby, you got it.

Okay, let's get to it. Go get 'em.

Okay, shall we go to my place?

Okay, well, candlesticks always make a nice gift.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Well,

Once again, he goes to the rosin bag.

Once again, the Durham pitchers are unable

One ball, no strike to Willie Foster.

One more, baby, one more. You got him.

One night with some of these skaters, we can get right back on track.

One out away from a stunning two hit shutout for LaLoosh.

Opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve

Or an Aztec. I forget which one. I get them confused.

Or because you're not getting laid, or because you wear women's underwear

Or making love to you using his name?

Or maybe a cereal box.

Or we could just take all that sexual energy

Or William Cullen Bryant. I don't know. I get 'em mixed up.

Outlawing AstroTurf and the designated hitter.

Over the Michelin tire sign, beat you 4 3.

Pals now?

Play ball!

Playing naked.

Plus, it'll remind you of me, which is a lot nicer

Praise the Lord.

Quick bat. Quick bat.

Quick bat. Quick bat. Quick bat.

Raye Anne, right? That's a beautiful name.

Read it.

Relax, all right?

Relax. Let's have some fun out here.

Right eyelid.

Said he heard there might be an opening for a catcher in Asheville

Sandy Grimes hit .371 in Louisville in 1967.

Saturday is Bull Day down at the Northgate Mall.

Says her name is Lana Ann Baker.

Scotty, baby, take this to Crash.

Scotty, baby, take this to Ebby Calvin.

Sears sucks, Crash. I once worked there. Sold Lady Kenmores.

See this right arm? Worth a million bucks a year.

See you at the yard, Meat.

Send me a postcard? Hey, I made it.

Send you a postcard.

Seven Mississippi, eight Mississippi, nine Mississippi, ten Mississippi.

Shake him off. Throw what you want.

She also said I should throw whatever pitches you call for.

She's dancing with me.

She's getting pretty steamed, actually,

Shit!

Shit! Piss! Fuck!

Shorten up, Crash. Bring me the gas, kid.

Show them there, Super Nuke! Super Nuke!

Shut up.

Shut up. You're gonna wake everybody up.

Since we're not gonna make love, and improve your hand eye coordination.

Siva, trees, mushrooms and Isadora Duncan.

Skip, I know I'm in a goddamn slump, but I hit the ball hard today.

Skip, it is me.

So I can hold the flavor of the month's dick in the bus leagues.

So I think it's a good opportunity to go for a quickie.

So is somebody gonna go to bed with somebody or what?

So quit screwing around and help me up.

So we can say goodbye.

So why don't you go then?

So you sabotage it with some, what is it, bullshit

So, how's it feel to get your first professional win?

Some lizards have a parietal eye behind their heads so they can see backwards.

Somebody else carries your bags.

Something full of magic, religion, bullshit.

Something had to be done.

Sometimes it seems like a bad trade,

Sometimes when I've got a ballplayer alone

Son of a bitch throws hard.

Sorry it got wasted.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sort of all over the place.

Starting to think how embarrassing it would be

Stay back and wipe that silly grin off his face.

Stay on his case all year. He can go all the way.

Stay there. Give me the ball.

Step outside and party, man.

Stepping in for the Peninsula White Sox is leadoff hitter Willie Foster.

Stepping in for the Peninsula White Sox, second baseman Allen Powley.

Stepping up to the plate for Durham, our own Crash Davis.

Stop it.

Stop it.

Stray cats, lost causes

Strike outs are boring. Besides that, they're fascist.

Strike!

Strike!

Strike!

Strike!

Strike!

Sucker teed off on that like he knew I was gonna throw a fastball.

Sweetie, I'm not gonna try to seduce you.

Takes the curse off the bat that brings me hits.

Teach me something new. I need to learn.

Teach me something.

Than thinking about all those nasty hitters.

Thanks for your note. You're right. I wasn't bending my back.

Thanks.

That about right? We're dealing with a lot of shit.

That batter ain't nothing. Come on, Nuke.

That closes the book on LaLoosh today.

That don't make me queer, right? Right.

That he vowed not to have sex until he lost.

That is a religious ritual and it happens to be working,

That means if you get just one extra flare a week. Just one.

That the novels of Susan Sontag are self indulgent, overrated crap.

That's a no no with umpires.

That's better. Okay. Now... You got your radar ready?

That's Crash Davis. Hey, Crash, come here.

That's funny, that's my job, too.

That's good.

That's good.

That's great. He looks just great.

That's great. That means you're gonna have a great year.

That's hot.

That's hot.

That's nice.

That's really sweet. "I don't believe..." Fuck you, you pussy.

That's the first home run of the year for Crash Davis.

That's the point. Write it down.

That's the secret.

That's what I'd do.

That's why I better leave.

The Bulls off to a slow start, having dropped their first three games.

The Bulls will attempt to end a six game losing streak

The clown prince of baseball.

The Durham Bulls began playing baseball with joy and verve and poetry.

The good news was that a man was about to come calling.

The guy in the booth.

The hanging curveball, high fiber, good Scotch,

The hotels all have room service.

The moment's over.

The organization wants to make a change.

The other day, Crash called a woman's... pussy...

The other day, Crash called a woman's... pussy...

The other was in paradise watching our Bulls play like big leaguers.

The public address announcer, the Bull mascot twice.

The record's 246.

The rose goes in the front, big guy.

The small of a woman's back,

The two sides of my own brain were all jumbled up and cross wired.

The voice of the Durham Bulls, Teddy Garland.

The women all have long legs and brains.

The world is made for people who aren't cursed with self awareness.

Then you are, and you should know that.

There are laws we don't understand that bring us together and tear us apart.

There might be an opening at Visalia next year.

There might be an opening for a manager in Visalia next spring.

There you go! Dig in there!

There you go.

There's a great song by Motley Crue. Do you know it?

There's never been a ballplayer who slept with me

There's no relationship between sex and baseball.

There's six months in a season. That's about 25 weeks.

These are the ground rules.

These big league hitters are going to light you up like a pinball machine

These young fellas, young men, I should say, over here to my left...

They are too strong and powerful for that. Now say it,

They don't get "woolly."

They got engaged. Can you believe that?

They say the darndest things.

They throw ungodly breaking stuff in the Show.

They're gonna hug your waist and snuggle

They're kids. Scare 'em.

They're releasing you from your contract.

They're sending me up to the majors. I leave first thing in the morning.

They're your friends. Write this down.

Think about that for a while.

Think classy, you'll be classy.

Think I could make it to the Show as a manager?

This game's fun, okay?

This girl has handled a lot of pitchers

This guy starts me off with a breaking ball

This guy's crazy.

This is a simple game.

This is hopeless. This is utterly, fucking hopeless.

This is ridiculous. I'm a professional.

This is Sandy Grimes.

This is the toughest job a manager has.

This is the toughest job a manager has.

This is the toughest job a manager has.

This son of a bitch is throwing a two hit shutout.

This will help put things on the right side.

Three, two, one.

Throw it, come on. Right in the chest.

Throw it, man.

Throw some ground balls.

Throw that shit again, Meat. Throw that weak ass shit again.

Time for another quickie.

Time out!

Time out.

Time out. Why do you get to choose?

Time out. Why do you get to choose?

To miss in front of all these people, how somebody might laugh.

Told them I thought you might make a fine minor league manager someday.

Too bad, Butch. Too bad.

Top of the ninth. Two outs.

Trust me.

Try taking off your shoes and socks first.

Twenty five hits in 500 at bats is 50 points. Okay?

Twenty one greatest days of my life.

Two Mississippi, three Mississippi,

Two nothing Bulls in the second.

Two nothing Bulls in the second.

Unfortunately, however, he kept on winning

Until it's time to go to the ballpark.

Until you win 20 in the Show, however, it means you're a slob.

Up to the plate, Junior Chavley.

Usually takes me a couple weeks to pick the guy.

Wait a minute. Where you going?

Wait a second. Who dresses you?

Wait.

Walt Whitman once said, "I see great things in baseball."

Want a ride?

Was approaching the minor league record, though I told nobody.

Was sometimes a good thing to do, especially like that.

Watch your head.

Way to go. Hustle in!

We ain't scored any runs all year.

We both just knew.

We fight, she gets the clown. How's that happen?

We got a boy going to the Show.

We got him! We got him!

We got ourselves a natural disaster.

We got three minutes.

We gotta play 'em one day at a time.

We gotta talk. We gotta...

We lost.

We need a live rooster to take the curse off Jose's glove

We need a live... Was it a live rooster?

We swept a four game series at Kinston, two games at Winston Salem

We want you to mature the kid.

We want you to room with him on the road.

We were talking about it. All the great ones have nicknames.

We were worried that he might get involved in the wrong crowd.

We're almost home.

We're so pleased he met a Christian woman.

Welcome to the Eastern Seaboard Tobacco Growers

Well, he really hit the shit out of that one, didn't he?

Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy,

Well, my AAA contract gets bought out

Well, you two are the most promising prospects of the season so far.

Well, you will.

What a trip.

What are you doing out here? I'm cruising, man.

What are you doing? What are you doing standing here? I gave you a gift.

What are you talking about? You're a great catcher.

What are you, a goddamn witch?

What do we need a scoreboard for?

What do you mean, you're not gonna fight me, you fuck?

What do you think of "Pokey"?

What happened?

What is all this "I, I, I" stuff? What about me?

What is it you see in this guy?

What is that?

What the hell's wrong with you?

What they give me lasts 142 games.

What was that? What the hell was that?

What we need is a rainout.

What you need is a good game of catch.

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What's he know about fun? I'm young. I know about fun.

What's it say?

What's it say?

What's the problem?

What's this guy know, anyway?

What's wrong?

What's your problem, man?

When Crash got thrown out, the game got out of hand.

When Crash hit his 247th home run, I knew the moment it happened.

When Nuke started listening to Crash, everything fell into place.

When she's in the throes of passion.

When somebody leaves Durham, they don't come back.

When you get in a fight with a drunk, you don't hit him with your pitching hand.

When you know how to make love, then you'll know how to pitch.

Where's Ebby?

Which is where it should be for artists and pitchers.

While one side was being neglected

Who are you? I mean, do you have a job?

Who are you? Who's he?

Who can forget Frank Robinson for Milt Pappas, for God's sake?

Who the fuck are you, man?

Who we play tomorrow?

Who's that?

Whoever told you such a ridiculous thing?

Whoo, that was a humdinger.

Whose records are a lot better than one and seven.

Why don't I get to choose? Why doesn't he get to choose?

Why is he always calling me Meat?

Why not? You hit 20 more this year

Why the hell am I back in A ball?

Why? I'm finally throwing it where I want to throw it.

Why's he calling for a curveball?

Will that work for me?

Will you just give it a try and lean in?

Winston Salem. Batting practice, 11:30.

Word on LaLoosh is that the good looking, young pitcher

Word on LaLoosh is that the good looking, young pitcher

Would you rather I'd be making love to him using your name

Y'all don't forget

Yeah, Bobby. Shut the door.

Yeah, I want that shit that don't smell bad.

Yeah, I was in the Show.

Yeah, I'll step outside.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Yeah, Skip?

Yeah, Skip?

Yeah, Skipper, you wanted to see me?

Yeah, you said, "Crash."

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah? From what I hear, you couldn't hit water

Yeah? Wait till I tell him she's gone down on half the Carolina League.

Yeah? Where can I go?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. All right.

Yep.

Yep.

Yep. I wouldn't dig in there if I was you.

Yes, a switch hitting witch.

Yes, he most certainly is here.

Yes, I do.

Yes.

You ain't that stupid.

You Annie Savoy?

You are messing with my private life!

You are. You're exotic and mysterious and cute.

You be cocky and arrogant, even when you're getting beat.

You better cool off.

You boys gonna fight over little old me?

You breathing through the wrong fucking eyelid again?

You can keep going to the ballpark and keep getting paid to do it.

You can let the fungus grow back on your shower shoes

You can't ban me from the ballpark 'cause my daddy donated that scoreboard.

You can't breathe through your eyelids.

You catch the ball.

You coming or not, homeboy?

You could be one of those guys.

You crazy?

You did not get lured. Women do not get lured.

You don't need a quadraphonic Blaupunkt.

You don't respect yourself, which is your problem.

You don't want a player. You want a stable pony.

You ever heard about Walt Whitman?

You get 300 million of them, they can build a cathedral.

You get a dying quail.

You get a ground ball with eyes.

You get three ants together, they can't do dick.

You gonna sit there all day?

You got a gift. When you were a baby, the gods reached down

You got him breathing out of the wrong goddamn eyelid.

You got him parading around the locker room like a fruit.

You got it?

You got room!

You got something to write with?

You got three minutes.

You gotta cut the head off a live rooster.

You gotta cut the head off a live rooster.

You gotta play this game with fear and arrogance.

You guys, you lollygag the ball around the infield.

You had your chance the other day.

You have to learn your clichés.

You have to respect a ballplayer who's just trying to finish the season.

You hear what I'm saying? It's like better than losing.

You hit 227 home runs in the minors.

You hit the ball.

You hit white balls for batting practice.

You hung a curveball on an 0 2 pitch in a 3 2 game

You hurt my eye!

You just gotta relax and concentrate.

You know how it is.

You know how the hair is kind of in a V shape?

You know something, Annie.

You know what a mojo is?

You know what that makes you? Larry.

You know what the difference between hitting .250 and .300 is?

You know, having a conversation with you is like...

You know, I just wanna give it my best shot.

You know, I've been telling everybody that.

You know, to calm her down.

You know, you gotta play 'em one day at a time, though.

You know, you gotta play 'em one day at a time, though.

You know, you never handle your luggage in the Show.

You lollygag in and out of the dugout.

You lollygag your way down to first.

You look great, man.

You look great. I'm sorry.

You made it. You made shit.

You may kiss the bride.

You mean Nuke. You said, "Crash."

You need a nickname, honey.

You own these guys.

You see, there's a certain amount of life wisdom I give these boys.

You see, there's no guilt in baseball

You should be at the game, Annie.

You stand here showing up my pitcher? Run, dummy!

You still don't know what I'm talking about, do you?

You think Dwight Gooden leaves his socks on?

You think I need a nickname? I think I need a nickname.

You think this is a little excessive for the Carolina League?

You throw the ball.

You too, Meat.

You understand?

You usually start me off with a hammer.

You wanna dance?

You wanna make it to the Show, you'll listen to me.

You wanna step outside?

You want me to tuck you in?

You want something for that sore shoulder?

You want something for that sore shoulder?

You wanted to see me?

You were pitching for El Paso, I was hitting clean up for Shreveport.

You were? Yeah?

You'd be great.

You'd be great.

You'll never make it to the bigs with fungus on your shower shoes.

You're a cocksucker.

You're a powerful young thing, Ebby Calvin.

You're a regular patron saint, you know.

You're awake.

You're banned from the ballpark.

You're confusing him!

You're gonna be the all time minor league champ.

You're gonna get everybody in trouble.

You're gonna have to study them, you're gonna have to know them.

You're in the wrong business! You're Sears & Roebuck material!

You're in the wrong business! You're Sears & Roebuck material!

You're leaving your fastball in the locker room for some piece of ass.

You're not going to be needing these anymore.

You're okay.

You're on.

You're patronizing me, and I will not be patronized.

You're pulling your hips.

You're pushing it, buddy! You want me to run you out? I'll run you!

You're scared.

You're smart. You're a professional.

You're the man! You're the man! Easy game!

You're thinking too much, Crash. Get out of your fucking head.

You've been around.

You've been in the majors?

You've been in the Show, man?

You've been pitching out of the wrong side of your brain.

You've seen them all.

Your dad's here? Where's he at?

Your fastball was up. Your curveball's hanging.

Your own Durham Bulls!

Your shower shoes have fungus on them.

'Cause they don't happen very often. Right.

"things will work out." Things will work out.

Ask Crash. I did.

at 3:00 in the afternoon. Amen, brother!

Aztec. Aztec deal.

Cedar, come on and get your little girl. Crash.

Chakra. Your right leg and left testicle

Did you call me a cocksucker? No, I...

Don't bump me! He still hasn't touched the plate!

Excuse me. "It is..."

Fine. You know why?

Forget it. Hey.

four Mississippi... Get in there! Hurry it up!

Fuck. Why am I a fuck? Why are you a fuck?

Fucking forget it. Hey, Meat.

Get your ass out there and check it out. You bet.

Give me a break. It's true.

Give me the ball. Fuck!

Have you seen Ebby? No.

He called me a cocksucker! He missed the tag!

He did know. How?

He did? Yeah.

He did. Who?

Hi, Max. How you doing, Crash?

How do you like that? That was much better.

How'd we ever win eight? It's a miracle.

I held it like an egg. And he scrambled the son of a bitch.

I like that. I bet you do.

I looked up your records. You what?

I never told him to stay out of your bed. Yes, you did.

I said, "I want you." Stop it.

I'd better take them. No, you're ready.

I'll be all right. I'm talking about my mirror.

I'll buy you a beer. Hey.

I'm a great catcher? Yeah.

I'm just... Talking about one time. Are you out of your mind?

I'm not interested yet. Who you calling a boy?

I'm not your slave. No, that one over there.

I'm Tony. I play second base. I know.

It's on back order. Give him some of that shit.

It's pretty boring. Of course it's boring.

keep your hands out of this. I never told him

Larry. One Mississippi,

Left eyelid? Right eyelid.

Let's go, homeboy. Come on, Ebby. There he is.

Let's play some baseball! Hurry up!

Lollygaggers. Lollygaggers.

My eyelids? Yeah.

My hand eye coordination? Unsnap my stocking.

My left. Good. That's good.

Nail him, drop him. Hit him, man! Hit him!

Never heard of him. Oh, good.

No way. Come on, Meat.

No, no. Serve it up. Yeah.

No. Let's go.

Nuke's chastity was your idea. I know! I'm telling you

One and six. Give me the goddamn ball. Oh, sorry.

Ready. Go to it.

Safe! No, I got him!

See my hips? Yep.

She'll be waiting... It's for Crash.

Shut up. You guys hear about Jimmy and Millie?

So do I. Stand up for a second.

Struck out 18. Another new league record.

Sure. No, you don't.

That's a great deal. Nice.

That's not bad. Don't tell anybody.

They're really hot? Yeah, and so are the pitchers.

Time out! Time out!

To announce your what? Announce my presence with authority.

to stay out of your bed. You most certainly did.

Wake up. Huh?

What a nasty thing to say. He didn't mean it nasty.

What are they? They're garters.

What do you have in there? Nothing.

What do you mean, "William Blake"? I mean, "William Blake."

What is that? Chicken bone cross.

What the fuck is that? Holy shit!

What, I'm full of shit? You are full of shit.

What, I'm full of shit? You are full of shit.

What? From Annie.

What? I was naked.

What? It's not "woolly."

What? Who dresses you?

What's our record, Larry? Eight and 16.

What's that? That's my leg.

Which one of us? Both of you, of course.

Who's he dancing with? All of them, I think.

Why? Why do you get to choose?

William Blake? William Blake!

William Blake? William Blake.

Words like, thank you. You're confusing him.

You calling my place a dump? No, he's not. No, he's not.

You can't run me for that. You missed the tag!

You got a gift. What do I got?

You got a live arm there. Thanks.

You having fun yet? Oh, yeah, I'm having a blast, thanks.

You just spit on me! I did not spit on you!

You missed him! I didn't miss him!

You said, "Crash." Oh, no.

You wanna dance? Yeah.

You want me to call you a cocksucker? Go ahead. Try it.

You want some more soup, honey? No, thanks. That was great.

You're a cocksucker. You're out of here!

You're bending his mind all out of shape. I'm what?

.376.

'cause five years ago in the Texas League

'cause his eyelids are jammed and his old man's here.

'cause I got a good idea about that five cent head of yours.

'Cause I love the game, Annie. I love it.

'Cause it sure ain't baseball.

'Cause of Ebby Calvin LaLoosh.

'cause you're starting to think about it already.

"And discorrupt them and charge them full with the charge of the soul."

"And waste its sweetness on the desert air." Thomas Gray.

"Dear Crash, you have a lovely swing but you're pulling your hips out too early."

"Full many a flower is born to blush unseen,

"Good Lord willing

"Got to play..."

"I did not get lured. I accept full responsibility for my actions."

"I sing the body electric"

"It is curiously in the joints of his hips and wrists"

"it is in his limbs and joints also."

"It will repair our losses and be a blessing to us."

"It's our game. The American game."

"Limitless limpid jets of love, hot and enormous."

"Limpid jets of love."

"Limpid jets of love."

"love flesh swelling and deliciously aching."

"One day at a time."

"or 6'3" homeless studs.

"Pokey."

"Raye Anne, she's a stay in." No?

"Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose."

"The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom." William Blake.

"They will not let me off till I go with them, respond to them"

"This is a very simple game."

"To announce your fucking presence with authority?"

"You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball."