Miss Congeniality (2000) Edit

A brief, shining moment, and then that mouth.

A part of you is gonna miss this.

A sniveling, obsequious weasel of a human being.

A theater major...

Absolutely, Miss Morningside.

After the rehearsal and a photo shoot, you can settle into your rooms.

Afterwards, she told a reporter from Pageant Magazine...

Agent Matthews!

All clear, sir.

All hair removal units, wax, electrolysis, laser...

All right, all right, all right.

All right, I'll just...

All right?

All right. I need eight double tall

All right. Let's say your assailant comes at you from behind.

All the contestants are actively involved in ending tobacco dependence.

All the winners have been chosen.

All you did was to destroy the dream of young women all over the country.

All you need is a light jacket.

Aloha to you too!

Aloha, aloha.

Aloha.

Am I hearing this correctly?

Amen.

And after I'm finished, you can see the ladies.

And Alana Krewson, Hawaii.

And by the way, you're doing a great job.

And even though I'll be retiring this year....

And get me a spring water.

And girls like that.

And her performance in a little film called Arma Get It On.

And here it is. You must achieve a Zen like state.

And I don't have friends because I work 24 7.

And I have...

And I know that this year will be our most exciting event ever!

And I'm the best we have.

And if anyone...

And if they ran, I would hunt them down.

And it has been ever since my reign.

And it's an honor to have made it this far.

And last but not least, Rhode Island.

And now, put it together...

And now, the moment of truth and beauty.

And now, the moment of truth and beauty.

And now, the musical stylings of Gracie Lou Freebush.

And one of those five...

And our fifth finalist:

And remember, smile.

And thank you, Stan.

And then I came here...

And there they are! This year's Top 10 finalists.

And they really don't like fire.

And we're following. Come in for that reaction.

And welcome to a night of beauty, talent and poise.

And welcome to the Miss United States Preliminary...

And you have no idea why I am the way that I am.

And you're a little bit sloppy.

And you're just in time for the orientation breakfast.

And, world peace.

And...

And...

And...

Another keg for you?

Another round, ladies?

Another two coats. And a sealant.

Any one of these could have planted a bomb.

Any woman that does this is catering to misogynistic Neanderthal mentality.

Anyway, he attacked me.

Are most of the people in here agents?

Are we doing full deployment?

Are you crazy? We can't have pizza and beer!

Are you getting your information from a pajama party?

Are you kidding? It's Hart.

As a matter of fact, here's an agent. Gracie Hart.

As far as I can see, she's still with us.

As long as it's not, Thanks for the Country Music Award.

As long as you go with me, Tex Ass.

As long as you smile.

As you may know, there are many who consider...

Aside, please. Thank you.

Asshole.

At least sc**** off the toppings.

Attack me!

Attention. Attention.

Back to work. Get ready for the Alamo.

Bad hair decade, really.

Because even though you're a federal officer...

Because I am the best.

Because I am the job...

Because I'm preparing to run away.

Because if they see what I see, then...

Because you'll probably need their cooperation.

Belinda Brown, Tennessee.

Beth Carter.

Beth is an undergrad at Vassar, doing a paper on law enforcement.

Beth!

Betrayal implies action. You stood there.

Better up to them, don't you think?

Bikini wax.

Bizarro!

Bizarro?

Both painful...

Brownie meeting.

Buddy up to her, you know, girl talk.

Bumper. Commercial. Can we say lesbians?

But as a private citizen. Turn in your badge and your gun.

But both times it was screwed up.

But do you want to come in?

But his equipment is like this big!

But I can leave you this. I was saving it for tonight.

But I feel like I'm in the right place at the right time.

But I'll see you later. We'll hang out. You like caps?

But I'll try my best not to.

But just remember to sing.

But now you're a lady! I did that.

But she's getting fired this year, which she didn't tell us.

But she's up and at it.

But then the winner mysteriously got food poisoning.

But this time, he used a signifier.

But what a way to go!

But what about all these other letters from terrorist groups threatening us?

But you forgot to mention incredible intelligence.

By helping me to announce the Top 10...

By putting yourself and 5 agents in jeopardy?

By the way, you look like hell.

California!

Can I borrow that drill?

Can you do a search?

Can you really be this superficial?

Check it out, Ivan's packing.

Check one, check one

Cheryl Frasier from Rhode Island.

Cheryl Frasier is a science major. Her field is...

Cheryl Frasier, with members of a radical animal rights group...

Cheryl, did you report him?

Cheryl, don't.

Cheryl, I think you have as good a chance as anyone to win.

Chew with your mouth closed?

Come and have a midnight snack with me and some...

Come on, Hart. The van's waiting.

Come on, muffin.

Come on, quickly!

Come on!

Come on.

Come with. No?

Compliments of my daughter: the Dress Up Sally web site.

Congratulations on the op. It's a big shot.

Congratulations to me.

Could I have a moment alone with Miss Hart, please?

Could we put out an APB on my Frappuccino?

Couple of geniuses I'm working with.

Cut it off. Let's go back to work.

Dalai Lama, Dalai Lama, Dalai Lama....

Damn it.

Damn right I do.

Dear Jesus, please forgive me...

Definitely not Rain Man.

Definitely, world peace.

Denied.

Describe your perfect date.

Did I tell you Stan Fields was getting fired?

Did it sound like I was?

Discussion is over.

Disgusting, perverted Frank?

Do all the women have to wear those really masculine shoes?

Do I have eyes in the back of my head?

Do not mess with the dress.

Do you have an agent in mind?

Do you have paint in your ears? We caught the guy!

Do you understand?

Do you understand?

Don't do it.

Don't do that!

Don't look at me like I betrayed you.

Don't look down, don't look down.

Don't take the crown.

Don't take the crown. Trust me.

Don't tell me I don't understand.

Don't worry, we all sucked.

Don't! Wait! Not my homework!

Double up on the cup.

Down... down....

Drop it!

DUI, assault, even a weapons charge.

Eagle Eye.

Eight double tall lattes. One with no foam.

Enjoy running the Miss San Antonio Women's Correctional Facility Pageant!

Enjoy the rest of your night.

Entering Barbie town.

Especially when you're from a small state

Especially without their knowledge.

ETA, 20 minutes.

Ever seen one this big?

Every operation is bound to have its screwups.

Every season, girls would plead with me to train them.

Everybody, I suggest we start packing.

Exactly follow orders? There's no such thing.

Except for...

Excuse me? What is your problem?

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. I am in the middle of a REM cycle over here.

Excuse me. Sir, ma'am, please back off.

Eyebrows. There should be two.

Favorable.

Female field agents under 35.

Feminists...

Fifty, including myself.

Finale positions.

Finished?

Fired! They steal my life, they steal my beauty pageant.

Five decaf lattes with a long straw.

For five years you've wanted it.

For Kelly Beth Kelly, all the world is a stage.

For me, this experience has been one of the most rewarding...

For the last three days I feel like I'm completely lost.

Forget it. They bagged the Citizen.

Forget those guys.

Four caramel macchiattos.

Frank took it to get it polished.

Frank!

Frank!

Frank!

Frank.

Frank.

From sea to shining sea

Gentleman?

Gentlemen, you can't go in

Get back to work.

Get down!

Get her off of there!

Get her off the stage!

Get it? The Women's Correctional

Girl talk.

Give it a rest.

Give yourself a break and cut Vic some slack.

Glad you enjoyed it. Now excuse me, I have to go unscrew my smile.

Glide. Glide.

Gliding.

Go back up and do it again. Never, ever look down, okay?

Go on, now.

Go on.

Go to Stan!

Going live.

Good cover! We worked that out together.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

Good evening.

Good idea, boss.

Good job! Good job

Good luck, ladies! Keep it moving. Let's go!

Good luck, ladies.

Good show, everybody.

Good show, Mr. Tobin.

Good, hair spray. Finally something I recognize.

Good, perfect. I'd hate for him to fire me over the phone.

Good, that's what I want to hear.

Good. That's the one I use at home.

Gracie Lou Freebush hopes to become a pediatrician.

Gracie Lou Freebush?

Gracie Lou Freebush. I memorized the orientation pamphlet.

Gracie, I would love to get a woman's point of view.

Gracie, it's you. Go!

Gracie!

Grant, what have we got out back?

Grease some wheels so they like us...

Guess it's time to apply at my local Hooters.

Gun! Gun! Everybody down!

Guys, he has a gun. He has a gun.

Hair, gel, mousse.

Hair, makeup, shellac, whatever it is you do. That shiny stuff

Hands folded. ..

Hands up! Back off!

Hard to believe, right?

Hart, is that you?

Hart, waiting for visual confirmation.

Hart, we can't see a damn thing. We need to see the discs.

Hart.

Has anyone seen Gracie? I can't believe she missed dress rehearsal.

Have a good show. You guys excited?

Have fun!

Have lunch. Totally on the Bureau.

He changed it to cover his many indiscretions.

He is such a pathetic loser.

He loves to make a splash. His target will be public...

He says he's expecting lots of gifts.

He slipped up, or I should say she.

He takes one look at that fake rack...

He wanted to discuss a paper, right?

He was holing up in a shack in Nevada.

He's moving, he's moving.

He's not good enough for that.

He's not retiring.

He's our pageant consultant.

He's punishing me, isn't he?

He's right behind me, isn't he?

He's still armed! Nobody moves!

He's with me.

Hear me out a second.

Hemorrhoid ointment? You think the judges will look that closely?

Her hobbies include figure skating, water ballet...

Her pageant years she was a runner up.

Here we are.

Here. Take these.

Here's the envelope.

Hey, can I get another one of these tubie things?

Hey, get lost! I'm waiting here.

Hey, girl.

Hey, Hart! You think she's hungry?

Hey, Rhode Island, how you doing?

Hey, we got a cab.

Hey, you cannot park

Hey! You're drinking my talent!

Hi, Mom.

Hi.

His ego is this big.

His victims didn't get a chance to choke on a peanut, did they, sir?

Hold on, ladies. Let's hear her side of the story.

Hold on, nothing. Hit the save button because you won't see that again.

Hold on. That's not bad.

Hold on. Wait a minute.

Hold your crown up high

Hold your crown up high

Hope you have a good time at the mall.

Hopefully, remove the beer stains and steak residue.

Hopefully, we'll get a lead before somebody gets killed.

Hot.

How about a little song for the drive?

How are you doing? You okay?

How are you?

How can you ask that? You heard my interview.

How do you feel about gun control?

How does she do it?

How?

How's she doing?

How's your head, my little piroshki?

However, I can't accept this job.

Hundred bucks on Matthews.

I am somewhat less than amused.

I asked some of the other girls...

I believe no woman should be without a basic knowledge of self defense.

I bet she'll do the same for you.

I can see this is an incredibly embarrassing situation for you.

I can't believe this!

I can't even do it with me in my head.

I can't go up there!

I can't open the goddamn bottle.

I can't talk girl talk with a guy in my head.

I can't.

I checked out Kathy Morningside.

I could contribute.

I could shock you with the intimate details I'm privy to.

I couldn't

I did it.

I didn't exactly follow orders

I do not need this now.

I don't appreciate your immaturity...

I don't argue. I never argue. When do I argue?

I don't care what he said, you know? I don't care.

I don't even care. All I want to do...

I don't even own a dress. I don't even own a brush.

I don't feel like a real agent anymore.

I don't have a gun.

I don't have breasts, my thighs I should wear a muumuu.

I don't have relationships because I don't want them.

I don't know what to say.

I don't like you. Now everybody thinks I need a girl to fight for me.

I don't need it. With all this foil, I'm getting HBO.

I don't think she ever got over those rumors.

I don't think you're gorgeous.

I don't want variety. I get pork fried rice every

I earned it!

I feel the situation bears further scrutiny and our continued presence.

I figured it out! I tried to create a content based pattern...

I forgot my breasts. Hold on, I'll be back.

I forgot the Alamo.

I get these made special by the guy that put the tattoo on my ass.

I got 20 people here waiting for confirmation.

I got here three days early so I could

I got just the girl.

I got the winner right here.

I got to do everything? Like...

I gotta do something. I'm gonna go do laps.

I gotta get my glasses.

I guess we'll be needing more pizza.

I had a girl who rearranged furniture.

I had no idea.

I had to beg him to let you do this.

I hate when I don't see a wet paint sign.

I have a background in profiling and decoding.

I have a really strong feeling something will happen to these girls.

I have avoided this experience all my life.

I have to protect those girls. It is my job.

I have to tell you...

I haven't seen a walk like that since Jurassic Park.

I hope I'm not disturbing you.

I hope it's Ricky Martin.

I just finished writing them.

I kind of hoped it wouldn't. But now that it has...

I knew she'd like that one.

I know all 49 ladies by name and picture.

I know everyone thinks I'm a screwup.

I know we all secretly hope the other one will trip and fall on her face

I know you're all concerned about Grant's condition.

I like the book. I like knowing what I can and cannot do.

I look in the mirror and say, Who's that old man in my pajamas?

I love my job!

I love you, Karen!

I made it very clear you weren't responsible for making her credible.

I made some of my famous hot chocolate.

I mean it! Drop it!

I mean, Miss Freebush.

I mean, Vic says this thing that's so....

I mean, yes. Have I offended you in some way?

I mean... I like you.

I might have a heated discussion with somebody.

I never thought anything like this would happen to me.

I overslept my beauty sleep.

I refuse to give in to their cynicism.

I remembered you liked that.

I respect what you're saying. I'd say the same to me...

I saw that gentleman stop by the room.

I saw this cheerleader doing it at a football game.

I suppose that would be the civilized thing to do.

I think the gentleman will think twice before he lights up again.

I think we have reason to monitor Morningside.

I think you date.

I think you know the one I mean.

I think you might have been right. Frank is Kathy Morningside's son.

I want all the lesbians to know...

I want preliminaries by 3. That's it.

I want to keep mine for the next 20 or 30 years.

I want you all to know, I believe what it says on the sign at the Alamodome.

I want you to firmly plant your feet.

I was once the most sought after, highly paid...

I was right in the middle of my song!

I was thinking...

I wasn't told to provide a talent. I can't do so in the next five hours!

I wish I could do something like that.

I wish I could explain...

I won't let you down.

I wonder which one of these...

I would have to say, I used to be one of them.

I would have to say, world peace.

I would like to bring out my assistant, Eric Bob.

I would so love to hurt you right now.

I'd have to say April 25th...

I'd have to say April 25th...

I'd love to, but I have a pressing social engagement.

I'd never get you here unless you could shoot someone.

I'd rather cancel the pageant than have them blown up.

I'll do whatever you want, Yoda.

I'll get you an official FBI cap.

I'll have it by the time they announce the winner.

I'll save the rest for the review board.

I'll take a rain check. I got to take care of some FBI stuff.

I'll take that bet.

I'm an FBI agent, right? I'm not a performing monkey in heels.

I'm confused.

I'm Eric Matthews. We spoke.

I'm fine. I'm cool. I'm good.

I'm gliding here!

I'm gonna move the chair.

I'm good.

I'm having a bad hair day.

I'm helping her get an inside look.

I'm not just talking about my cohost...

I'm on it. You just concentrate on being Gracie Lou, all right.

I'm sorry he's obsessed with me, but at some point it's like, Hello!

I'm sorry?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I had a bite of my bagel and I forgot to pray.

I'm suddenly very aware and proud of my breasts.

I'm sure we all will.

I'm taking him out.

I'm up to 75 cents.

I'm with him.

I've been fighting all my life against your type.

I've been waiting five years to run my own op.

I've never been in a beauty pageant.

I've taken a woman without a smidgen of estrogen...

If all else fails, go for the four sensitive areas of the body.

If I ever had a daughter, I imagine that she would be...

If I ran my pageant like this, we'd be holding it in someone's basement!

If we happen to have sex afterwards, so be it.

If you can do this, then you can convince anyone that you belong here.

If you weren't a girl, I'd beat your face off.

If you weren't a girl, I'd beat your face off.

If you're on the phone with someone who won't stop talking...

Imagine she's me and you want to know, but I don't want to talk about it.

In a bizarre incident at the Miss United States Preliminaries...

In a tasteful one piece!

In a way, America is like a big ship.

In all honesty, I might let you down.

In five, four, three....

In Hawaii, don't you use Aloha for hello and goodbye?

In her spare time, she works in a homeless shelter...

In place of friends and relationships, you have sarcasm and a gun.

In some cases, your attacker might come at you in a frontal assault.

In the meantime...

In this case, the word miss...

Is it because McDonald hates me?

Is that enough? Have you no pride in yourself, in your presentation?

Is that what you think?

Is there any reason to suspect Morningside?

Is this you not arguing? Because you suck at it.

Is this your idea of doing final preps on the convention center?

Islamic Jihad. They're not so nuts about the Swimsuit Competition.

It accounts for 30% of your total score.

It better be a big one.

It doesn't inspire much confidence.

It is not a beauty pageant. It is a scholarship program.

It stops the suit from riding up.

It takes a very secure man to walk like that.

It was his idea, Gracie Lou.

It was wrong, but that's it. It's over.

It wouldn't be like that.

It'll be ugly.

It's It's kind of like....

It's all in the buttocks. Don't I look pretty?

It's been working really well for me for the past 30 years, all right?

It's for the baggies under your eyes.

It's in the bag. Did he say anything about last night?

It's light beer and she's gonna throw it up anyway.

It's not the bloody Ice Capades.

It's only a cleaning.

It's so fun it should be illegal.

It's the 75th Annual Miss United States Pageant. ..

It's the Miss United States Pageant.

It's your size, I believe.

It's, you know, it's like a surprise.

Ivan, out the back.

Jersey's gone berserk!

Jesus Christ!

Jesus, Hart.

Jesus, we've only got 48 hours.

Just for a tiny minute.

Just like the Citizen letter.

Just up!

Karen Krantz, New York.

Kathy, these people want to put one of their agents...

Kathy's got a boot up her ass about something.

Ladies and gentlemen, agent Gracie Hart of the FBI!

Ladies, give Lori some room to breathe.

Ladies, I would like you to meet Gracie Lou Freebush from New Jersey.

Ladies!

Last night, you earned it. Pick your team.

Leg waxing, fake orgasms, the inability of men to commit.

Leslie Davis, California.

Leslie Williams is a music major.

Let me get you Victor Melling's number.

Let's get that ambulance in here!

Let's go find Frank.

Let's go home, honey.

Let's go! Get it back online!

Let's pack up and get out of here.

Let's suspend reality for a second...

Lightly ascending from cloud to cloud...

Like Lady Liberty

Like when I did my interview question.

Like you contributed last night?

Listen to me!

Listen to your breathing, feel your heart...

Little Eric looks a little scared.

Look at all the hoochie mama!

Look at yourself.

Look how she walks. She's floating.

Look to the left.

Look to the left.

Look, I know I made a mistake. I'm sorry.

Look, she's gonna cry again. If I only had a brain!

Look. Liberace's got her in a nice evening gown.

Lots of girls.

Matthews, what do you got?

Maybe he can do something to help.

Maybe he got his girlfriend to lick the envelope.

Maybe he needs a little applause.

Maybe she couldn't take the pressure. She ate four slices last night.

Maybe she's an accomplice. Maybe she's his inside connection.

McDonald didn't want to hear about it. It's just us.

McDonald's more feminine. I'd rather kiss him.

Mike, give me a beer and....

Mike, give me a pint.

Milk. Give her milk.

Miss Hart, you don't understand.

Miss Hart?!

Miss Morningside, if it's possible...

Miss United States from San Antonio, Texas, home of the Alamo.

Miss United States is always well spoken and polite.

Model citizen. Beauty contestant, pageant director, loving mom.

Moe and Larry in the house.

Mom, you're a little scary.

Mom?

Mom.

More changes? Follow her. Stay on her.

More... fluffy.

Morning, everybody.

Morning, sir. It's....

Most important, we're getting our issues out there for people to hear.

Move on! Get over yourself!

Mr. Melling.

Mr. Vic, we got everything you asked for. Where do we start?

My 1 :00 or your 1 :00?

My ancestors were Quakers.

My duties are stated in a contract, and I have fulfilled them.

My florist has a gun.

My God, I'm good.

My God, that is disgraceful.

My God! It's the crown!

My idea of a perfect date would be a man...

My mother wouldn't buy them!

My nose!

My parents don't like anything ostentatious.

My roommate's asleep, or she's starting to mold.

Nebraska!

Neck up!

New Jersey!

New Jersey!

New Jersey!

New Jersey! Which means...

New Jersey? Welcome.

New Jersey.

New York!

Nice work. See you back there.

No arguments, sir. None whatsoever.

No disc yet.

No English.

No insults today?

No mercy.

No one's going to ruin that.

No place I want to know about.

No problem. Breakdown?

No shit.

No takers? No?

No water glasses?

No wonder you're still a virgin.

No, Frank. I'm just pissed off.

No, I never told anyone before this.

No, ma'am.

No, my contacts.

No, no, I was dating him for a little while because...

No, no, no!

No, no. Don't pick your feet up. Don't pick your feet up.

No, sir.

No, sir. He's not gonna die.

No, Stan told me she got a letter a few weeks back from the network...

No, stay on her. Go with it.

No, that's why they let me pick you. Know why?

No, wait. Wait.

No, we are finished.

No! I would like....

No! Stop it! No!

No. After the Top 10! I am completely on my own.

No. Evening gown, now.

No. Just a casual dinner.

Nobody fires me and gets away with it.

Nobody moves until I see some goddamn Lazhitsa na pol!

Nobody said this job was easy.

None of your damn business.

Not anymore. The cocoon is open.

Not anything like baton twirling or anything.

Not happening.

Not just a babe fest.

Not really my color, is it?

Not so fast!

Not the This in the

Not the pastry!

Not this year.

Not unless it's The Miss Lamaze Pageant.

Nothing on Frank Tobin.

Now get out of here!

Now glide. Glide.

Now if someone comes at you

Now you can wear Satan's panties!

Now you're going down.

Now, there is a hardened criminal.

Now....

Of course, after that article came out...

Official business. Step aside.

Oh, God!

Oh, hey, New Jersey? This one's empty.

Oh, I have sarcasm?

Oh, look at all that cheese.

Oh, look at all that cheese.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, no, I was just, you know...

Oh, no, it definitely wasn't Rain Man.

Oh, no!

Oh, she had a busy night.

Oh, that guy?

Oh, there was this one thing in college...

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yes!

Ohio. Oh hi yo!

Okay, everybody.

Okay, everybody.

Okay, gentlemen.

Okay, Gracie Lou, listen up.

Okay, that was bad luck.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. With all due respect here...

One and the same.

One day I came to his office. He said he wanted to discuss a paper I wrote.

One little mistake and I'm a bloody bellhop.

One of these two ladies will wear the crown.

Oops.

Open.

Operation Thong has commenced.

Or is it, like, a woman thing?

Or perhaps it's because everyone else worth having had a contestant.

Or, as they say in Russian:

Or...

Original. You come up with that all by yourself?

Pageant identity.

Part of it is following orders.

Place had enough C4 to make a new Grand Canyon.

Places, everybody! Let's go!

Please, Mr. Melling, give it a chance. Sit down.

Please.

Prepare for what promises to be...

Pretty good, actually.

Problem, gentlemen?

Put that back in your ear.

Question:

Raise it to the sky

Really?

Really?

Relax. Don't annoy him. Don't say anything. Don't argue.

Returnable cans, sir.

Rhode Island!

Rhode Island!

Rhode Island's Cheryl Frasier!

Riding up where?

Right back at you.

Right now there's a huge gap between my brain and my spinal cord.

Right. In a thong.

Roll your hips.

Rough day?

S I N G.

Sandwich, I mean.

Scholarship ladies.

Scorekeepers ready?

See you later.

See? Glide.

She believes in the healing power of music. Loves opera, reggae...

She fits the profile: loner, introverted.

She lit her batons on fire and did this sexy dance.