Vicious - Season 1 Edit

A bit, darling. Bollocks.

A close mate? I guess.

A good friend of mine. He was very dear to all of us.

Aaaah.

After all, I did spend a year playing the detective in

Ah, here's one that hasn't been opened.

Ah. A call to your...?

Ah. You're young. You'll meet that special someone.

Always, Clive.

Am I saying that correctly?

Among others. Other prostitutes?

And children. Weren't there children?

And good luck with the flat. I do hope we become neighbours.

And I hope you've had fun.

And I was going to be a model. You were never going to be a model!

And maybe learned a little bit about social graces as well.

And then put the whole ugly business behind us.

And there has not been a right time!

And yet still younger than the biscuits.

And you can bring round here anybody you like.

And you remember our friend Violet.

Another one. Shit!

Anyway, I do feel bad about Clive. I just hope he didn't suffer.

Anyway, thank you for calling, Mother.

Apparently, they had to cut a foot off,

Are you shy, darling, is that it?

Are you through interrupting or shall I hand you a microphone?

Are you wearing mascara?

Ash, why don't you pour yourself a cup of tea

Ash, would you prefer to sit on my lap?

Ash. I didn't even know that was a name.

At least he didn't suffer.

At least I've had a career. And I'm still at it.

Balthazar? Why? What's he doing? He's just lying there.

Because you are behaving oddly.

Being fed apple sauce by a Jamaican woman.

Bit parts in rep and one episode of Dr Who?

Boys, girls, whichever you prefer.

But in the past, you have been in a relationship with another... person?

But now I see it's just you.

But they don't usually believe me.

Can I get anybody another sandwich?

Can I get you some tea?

Care for one?

Clive is dead.

Clive was smitten with me that entire summer.

Clive would have loved this.

Close those curtains! The light! The light!

Dear, sweet Clive.

Did you find out if he's...?

Did you hear about the foot? Yes. Unfortunate.

Do you go to the theatre often, Ash?

Do you know, Freddie, as grotesque a thought as it is,

Do you know, why don't I read out one of Clive's old letters?

Do you mind if I use your toilet?

Do you really think you would have had a better life without me?

Do you suppose he's family?

Do you think I've been happy? With you simpering around this flat,

Don't be sorry. I'm Freddie.

Don't let's do this now. I'm so tired.

Egg and cress sandwich, Mason?

Entertaining is exhausting.

Er, dunno.

Every young man wanted to be seen on the arm of Clive St. Claire,

Everything all right in there, Ash?

Everything all right?

Exactly. Interact. Ask questions.

Fine, don't answer. I prefer it.

For a moment, I thought those high pitched, piercing shrieks

Freddie tells me the good news!

Freddie Thornhill.

From Zac Efron, remember?

Go and see what's going on. No, no, I don't want to disturb him.

Go on. We're done with you for now.

Great. I love spending time with OAPs.

Great. Yes, great.

Had you been with Clive instead of Freddie.

Has anybody ever said you remind them of Zac Efron?

Has he been here this whole time?

Haven't I seen you in my yoga class? I go to yoga. I'm great fun.

He had children, he was married. Wasn't there a second wife, too?

He really loved you. No, he didn't.

He says it right here! Because I was kind and generous and handsome!

He says, Hello, Mrs Bixby.

He's 20, you see.

He's more of a doorstopper at this point.

He's not Chinese!

Hello?

Hello. Can we help you with something?

Hey! His accent just came out! You all heard it!

Hi. I hope you like cakes.

How dare you?

I aged five years just sharing a taxi with you that night!

I also killed a prostitute on Coronation Street.

I always thought Clive was so dashing.

I am nothing.

I bought two sandwiches that I can cut up into sixteenths.

I came as soon as I heard.

I can never forget it.

I can't believe he's gone.

I can't imagine my life without you.

I could always cut you a slice of nothing.

I could have had a completely different life if I'd seen the letter.

I dare say those thick ankles of his put up quite a fight.

I didn't think dogs lived that long.

I do believe I was.

I do believe you broke his heart, Freddie.

I don't get to the theatre much.

I don't know what would be preferable at this point,

I don't see how we can ever get over this.

I don't think so.

I don't understand. I never even received this letter.

I guess. Do you have a very close friend, Ash?

I have no idea. Are you expecting anybody? No!

I have very strong bones.

I have. But I've never been in love.

I hope I'm not bothering you. Bothering us?

I just wish I could've had the chance to have known

I know which I'd prefer!

I never know when I'm going too far, but I'm always so glad when I do.

I only hope his flesh didn't rot off where you touched him.

I see. And is this your special mate?

I seem to remember a wife. Wasn't there a wife at some point?

I shan't be able to return to sleep now, thanks muchly.

I should probably go and see that flat now.

I should probably go. It was nice meeting you all.

I should really go.

I stepped on him and he didn't move.

I still have some of the old letters that Clive wrote to me.

I suppose I'm not tired because I do nothing. I did nothing.

I suppose.

I think he's unconscious. Oh, no, he's only sleeping.

I think I hear the dog.

I think there's something wrong with your dog.

I think. I'm not sure, really.

I thought Graham Norton was straight.

I thought it was a crumb surrounded by a toothpick.

I was here to see about the flat. Is this a bad time?

I was just going to pour myself a drink.

I was just stopping by to let you know I got the upstairs flat.

I was on tour with erm... Shakespeare, I believe.

I was thinking perhaps we should host a small gathering here tomorrow.

I was young, handsome, famous.

I would leave everything behind to start a new with you.

I would think you'd be a little more upset considering your history.

I'll tell you what would've happened to you.

I'm covered either way now.

I'm going to make another pot of tea.

I'm here with my... flatmate.

I'm hoping to smush them all together to create a bite.

I'm just going to use the loo before I go out.

I'm not quite sure how to behave. Have you never been a guest before?

I'm quite certain I'm old enough to be your father. Yes, I'm quite certain too.

I'm still working! You've had nothing. You've done nothing!

I'm surprised you could see it

I'm waiting for the right time.

I've been to Oxford.

If I only knew you felt the same,

If you woke up dead or I did!

In fact, I'm moving in today. Oh, marvelous.

Independent, free as a bird.

Instead of being stuck with you in this penitentiary.

Instead of sitting there like a statue. I'm sorry.

Is he going to be all right? Stuart? Of course.

Is it something we're doing?

Is it us? No, it's definitely him.

Is it?

Is Leytonstone any better than Wigan?

Is she getting the news directly from Satan?

Is that someone calling? This lunacy!

Is that what that is?

Is that why you look a thousand?

Is this over yet then, Freddie?

It most certainly didn't! And at least I'm not from Leytonstone!

It must have got mixed in with all my fan mail.

It says kind and generous. You added handsome!

It's all right, darling. Sit.

It's Ash!

It's been 48 years!

It's better than being from Leytonstone.

It's empty. There's a fresh pot in the kitchen, I'll get it.

It's like Victoria Station!

It's not as if Clive was any great prize.

It's sad that it took the passing of a dear friend

It's so tricky to tell now.

It's very rude to disturb attractive people.

Just our little circle.

Just say yes.

Let's cross that bridge when we come to it, shall we?

Let's just see who it is,

Look at the envelope. It's addressed to Stuart! Stuart?!

Mate. I see.

Maybe he's shy.

Mind? We'd be devastated if you didn't.

My father's 46. Ah, and so am I.

My God!

My mother, if you must know.

My one and only...

Nicely done, Miss Marple!

No, Clive was a true man's man.

No, he's being very cagey.

No, I'll get it.

No, I'm not one. He is. Not me.

No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, not at all.

No, thanks. I'd just really like to see the flat.

No, this is a person who exists.

No.

No. It is not.

No. Not with you sucking the life out of me!

No. We also don't go around pulling cords in other people's flats.

Not now, no. I see.

Not this hell I've been trapped in!

Now, I must ask you. Anything, darling.

Obsessed, really.

Oh, and by the way... I'm straight.

Oh, damn, I wanted to tell you.

Oh, didn't we tell you? This is more of a tea/wake.

Oh, for Christ's sake, Stuart.

Oh, for God's sake, Violet, nobody wants to **** you.

Oh, God.

Oh, goody!

Oh, he did.

Oh, hello, Mother.

Oh, hello.

Oh, how dreadful!

Oh, how dreadful!

Oh, I dozed off again.

Oh, I have some of my old letters that were written to me...

Oh, I'm going to miss Clive.

Oh, I'm sorry. Who died?

Oh, look, somebody brought something.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my. That much?

Oh, that is it!

Oh, that was ages ago, and it was only for 19 years.

Oh, well, I prefer to remember him as I last saw him.

Oh, what on earth?!

Oh, what's happening? What is that?

Oh! He's still in there! Who's still in there?

Oh. That's troubling.

Or as an adult.

Or is it a place?

Or... any of the others.

Other shows. You're becoming very annoying.

Ouch! Should I go?

Our postman's been in The Mousetrap.

Penelope?

Penelope? One more time, darling.

Penelope?! Oh, I'm sorry. I was sleeping.

People used to think I was your nephew.

Perhaps you'd like some of what you brought?

Please tell Stuart I said thank you. Of course.

Please, don't pressure me! I'm very emotional already.

Poor Clive.

Poor Clive. Yes, it's been a great shock, as you can imagine.

Poor Freddie, you were quite close, back in the day.

Poor Oliver!

Pouring your blandness onto every surface.

She always rallies for a funeral.

She speaks!

She was very distraught.

Sleeping? Your eyes were wide open.

So I assume there was some discomfort.

So that's it, then? I don't see what else we can do.

So, you never use the huge window?

Somebody do something. I'm so frightened I'm going to be ****d.

Sometimes I pretend to be, in order to get concessions at the cinema,

Stuart, I'm sorry. Oh, that's all right.

Stuart, my friend, will be so pleased.

Thank you.

Thanks very much. Of course.

Thanks.

That is preposterous! Why would he have been interested in Stuart?

That must be our new neighbour.

That should do it.

That was a long time ago. We were all in our early 20s.

That will be lovely.

That's a lot of dogs. We went through several very quickly.

That's a person, right?

That's right, the two of you were old school chums.

The boy from the toilet?

The flat for rent is one floor up. Oh, sorry.

The most eligible bachelor in London.

The Mousetrap. Oh, please!

The one who was flirting with me shamelessly?

The young man who came to see about the flat upstairs. He's been ages.

Then you should leave. It's quite clear he hates you.

There has to be somebody who hasn't heard about that foot.

These aren't calling hours!

They have no manners nowadays.

They're over there.

This is complete lunacy!

This is not the time to contribute, darling.

This is our friend Violet, Ash.

This is outrageous!

This is Stuart, my friend.

This used to be a bus route.

Through the milky film that coats your cataracts.

To make me realise how special I am.

Try calling him again. No, you try.

Uh... OK.

Um... your hand is really high up on my thigh.

Was she calling to tell you when she'd be dying?

We are disconnecting this bell!

We had magical weather, it only rained 60 days.

We should give you a key.

We were, a long time ago.

We're absolutely devastated.

We're both very excited. Freddie tells me the good news.

We're not talking about your life now!

We've had some frightful news.

Well, Chinese people are very quiet.

Well, Clive was very much smitten with me, that is true.

Well, I don't see what the problem is.

Well, I must prepare for our guests. I want everything to be perfect.

Well, I'm certain I know you. Have you ever been to Zac Efron?

Well, I'm going to give this intruder a real dressing down.

Well, it doesn't matter now anyway. That was 50 years ago.

Well, it's a reminder that we should spend as much time as possible

Well, my dear Stuart, I will work it out.

Well, of course, you're a young man, you do young man things.

Well, that came out of nowhere.

Well, we can't leave him in there all day.

Well, we tried.

Were coming from a gaggle of schoolgirls.

Were you good friends?

What a kind, generous man you are.

What actually is this?

What an awful thing to say.

What an illustrious career to look back on!

What are you talking about? And you have lipstick all over your teeth.

What did I miss?

What exactly have you done with your life?

What if he comes out and ****s me?

What that life could have been.

What, I was 19. I wasn't in my 20s.

When?

While I'm in the other room. I'd be very embarrassed.

Who do you think you are? The Earl of Grantham?

Who on earth is that?

Who were you squawking at on the phone just now?

Who writes a lot of letters!

Who's there?! It's Violet, darling.

Why? Did you finally tell her about us?

Why? Don't be ridiculous. Of course not.

Wigan's worse! I'm from Wigan!

With those we hold dear while we're able.

Would you excuse me a moment? And do not look at my awards

Wouldn't that be lovely? Not unless you read it in another room.

Yeah, sorry. Had to make a call.

Yeah. Ash.

Yes, because you told them you were my nephew.

Yes, for lunch.

Yes, I'd like ten more, please.

Yes, I'm still awake.

Yes, she's our friend and Stuart here is my friend.

Yes, six.

Yes! I could have been happy and successful,

You are making such a fool of yourself.

You behaved abominably today!

You could ever want since the moment we met.

You have one fan.

You just don't go about ringing people's doorbells!

You know what it can be like with certain friends.

You let a complete stranger use your loo?

You might have been the love of Clive's life.

You must engage in the conversation.

You must forgive Stuart. He was never loved as a child.

You must join us for tea. Thanks.

You must meet our friends. This is Penelope and that is Mason.

You probably recognise me from the television or the stage.

You remember him? Shrunken, old gnome?

You said some very hurtful things which you can never take back.

You see, you would never have had Balthazar

You were barely one of those things.

You were pulling pints in a pub! I was the manager!

You would've ended up the same worthless prat you are today!

You'll tell me if I'm ever pronouncing that wrong.

You're all dressed in black. Is... is everything all right?

You're from Wigan.

You're practically melting onto the rug!

You're still going on about that? Will you forget about it, please?

You're up late.

You've been in hell? I've provided you with everything

You've come to the wrong door, I'm afraid.

Your accent just came out!

Your mother is always the first to know when someone dies.

Your mother looked well for someone who doesn't have a heartbeat.