Master of None - Season 1 Edit

A 20 or a 30, that's bad.

A car.

A computer!

A cool mix of Eastern and chill wave.

A couple months ago, I was in a grocery store,

A couple of tunes that I need you to check out.

A crazy eternal bond with this gentleman

A drawer full of dental dams beside your bed?

A feminist is a person that thinks men and women

A guy from the neighborhood came up and said,

A guy jerking off on the subway, on a cake.

A guy just died.

A hooded sweatshirt and New Balances?

A large man is walking in there right now,

A little bite.

A lot of people get me mixed up for Danny Glover all the time.

A pasta maker? I love it!

A pea protein marketed just towards the Indian weight lifting community?

A powerful redbone named Carla

A thousand times every 15 minutes?

A vacation for a first date?

A veal Francese,

A wonderful future beckoned and winked.

About a month after our thing.

About a retirement facility in Maryland

About destroying the audition.

About Hollywood's top ten ugliest calves.

About how we're on this path,

About the commercial.

About this whole Alice situation, you know?

About three years.

About what happened to you.

Act like it's all taking over your body.

Action!

Activate containment protocol!

Actually, I'm gonna buy a bunch of those grills,

Actually, it was Pavement.

Actually, let's hope that Nashville does such a good job fighting poverty

Actually, that whole thing brought to light

After a thoughtful discussion.

After this bullshit,

Again, man, sorry about the girlfriend.

Against an Alpine sunset

Ah, cool.

Ah, Dev!

Ah, grazie, hombre.

Ah, it's pretty rude to flake, man.

Ah, just go.

Ah, shit, okay.

Ah, there she go.

Ah, yeah, I remembered your name.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah! No!

Ah.

Ah.

Ahh, just a friend. Nothing romantic here?

AKA Princess Love.

AKA, go to Pluto?"

Alex, this is Arnold.

All girls like his ass.

All good.

All I'm saying is to just sit for a beat

All my Gremlins merchandise.

All of us first generation kids,

All our sacrifice is worth it. He will have a better life.

All right, a silly one.

All right, back to work.

All right, boys.

All right, bye, Ma.

All right, bye.

All right, bye.

All right, bye.

All right, come on.

All right, cool.

All right, cool.

All right, Dev. Let's go.

All right, do you want to write your number down

All right, don't do that. That's fucking scary.

All right, fine. I'll pay for it.

All right, fine. Just give it to me. I'll buy it.

All right, fine. We'll go there. Let's go.

All right, frozen yogurt. We made it.

All right, good news.

All right, Grandma Carol.

All right, guys.

All right, here, give me the iPad.

All right, holla!

All right, honky, let's go tonk.

All right, I don't know what she does.

All right, I get it! There can be two gays, all right?

All right, I like that.

All right, I'll call you later.

All right, I'll make an exception this one time for you.

All right, I'm gonna put my dad on now. Bye."

All right, I'm in. I'm your wingman.

All right, I'm sorry.

All right, last but not least,

All right, let me call you back later.

All right, let me see if one of these ladies will go, okay?

All right, let's break for a soft 15, okay?

All right, let's get you situated.

All right, let's not beat around the bush.

All right, man.

All right, night night.

All right, open them.

All right, open them.

All right, ready?

All right, Sam.

All right, so I'll just stand in the corner,

All right, so let's say

All right, stop.

All right, take it out of here!

All right, talk to you later.

All right, thank you.

All right, thanks, Dev. That was great.

All right, that's enough footage, all right.

All right, that's you.

All right, the guy said this was

All right, um,

All right, we'll do one more take.

All right, well, can we go at your house?

All right, well, date over.

All right, well, good luck with that.

All right, well, guess I'm doing this.

All right, well, I'm with my friend, so...

All right, well, in that scenario,

All right, well, it's obviously broken in this hypothetical scenario.

All right, well, let's nap.

All right, well, she didn't miss anything, anyway.

All right, well, thanks so much. Enjoy the film.

All right, well, that's cool.

All right, well, um...

All right, well, um...

All right, well, um... Uh, yeah, just text me your address.

All right, well, you got to get your hands on this shrimp.

All right, what is it?

All right, whatever accent you were just doing,

All right, whatever.

All right, where should we go eat?

All right, who wants to go play in the park

All right, y'all have a good one.

All right, you got these, right?

All right, you guys. Why don't you get some snacks?

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Boom.

All right. Fuck The Amazing Brandon.

All right. Good to see you guys.

All right. Great.

All right. Here we go.

All right. How the fuck do you know Busta Rhymes?

All right. I give up.

All right. I'll grab these.

All right. I'll see you guys.

All right. I'll see you later, Dev.

All right. Sure.

All right. Well, we met at a bar.

All summer long.

All summer long.

Also, might be strange to play Gandhi

Also, that's an adorable worst case scenario

Also, the cake is 100% gluten free.

Although, just so you guys know, even before all of this,

Am I in a lucid dream right now?

Am I not enough of a madam?

Am I supposed to wear a coat?

Am I wrong?

Am I, like, Vanilla Sky ing myself right now?

Amanda, can I have yours since you're eating their thing?

Amazing pause

An idealistic search for a soul mate

An intimate conversation with Beatrice.

An intimate little chat with Charlemagne.

An Uncle Taj?

And a pack of other lovers

And action!

And action.

And all that stuff, it just It just freaked me out.

And all women, even in our little progressive world.

And another fig was a brilliant professor,

And another fig was a famous poet,

And another fig was Constantine and Socrates and Attila

And another fig was Europe and Africa and South America,

And another old Indian dude?

And anything else?

And apologize.

And as I sat there, unable to decide,

And at one point,

And be like, "Shit, forgot to do it."

And be the Indian Al Sharpton and get some phony apology.

And being entertained by this stuff?

And beyond and above these figs

And bring it back when you visit me next week?

And buy them in person?

And buy you anything under $2,000.

And by the end of that meal,

And Charlemagne met Beatrice.

And computers so man and machine become one.

And could somehow organize, it'd be a fair fight.

And cover them in Tickler's signature white barbecue sauce."

And diapers or whatever fucking kid shit they have to buy.

And didn't tell us.

And do great things one day... hopefully.

And do something about it.

And do you, Rachel, promise to make

And don't write, "I want to fuck your face,"

And eventually, they moved into the same castle together.

And eventually, they went home together,

And every now and then, they fought about silly stuff,

And everything happened so fast.

And feed him, like, chicken and dumplings."

And five and six and seven and eight and one and two

And for the lady...

And forget about the brief amount of non rocking time we had.

And go into a store.

And go pick something out together?

And go.

And hang with Grandma Carol?

And have him sing a song to make you feel better?

And he can't go.

And he changed his mind.

And he couldn't sleep,

And he encroached on my bounce space.

And he got so excited.

And he heard the... [grunting] sound,

And he just goes, "Hard time,"

And he kept the lovely Princess Rachel awake,

And he made stuff for Elvis and Johnny Cash.

And he ran down to the basement to watch,

And he seems super excited.

And he slammed his head on the low ceiling.

And he thinks he's a dinosaur and won't go onstage.

And he told me to get out of his fucking way.

And he was just kind of sitting around a lot.

And he was like, "Oh, I love the Buzzcocks."

And he wasn't very impressed with my kite situation.

And he won the Oscar for it, so...

And he's always looking for his daddy.

And he's thinking about moving here

And Heads, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes.

And his charming Indian friend.

And honestly, seems like he just wants one of us.

And how she always wanted to live in Paris,

And I am feeding off your energy.

And I asked a bunch of other people to come,

And I can help you carry it home.

And I can make connections I can use with some of the cooler bands

And I can't do it anymore.

And I can't wait to have that feeling

And I could tell she wanted me to make a move.

And I don't rock for what I did earlier.

And I don't want to carry it around all day.

And I don't want to miss the trailers.

And I don't want to wake up one day

And I feel horrible about those ducks, but...

And I fully support that.

And I got cut out completely?

And I got you a month of lessons too.

And I guess there's only one thing left to say.

And I had your kid Kids, actually.

And I hardly ever go and see her.

And I hate their music, and I hate my job,

And I have been known to make silly faces

And I have nothing against him, but why can't there be a Pradeep

And I just got us both a shot of tequila.

And I just kept giving you answers.

And I just wanted to talk to you

And I knew him only for a week or so.

And I know, like, vows are super romantic or whatever,

And I like answering those movie trivia questions

And I like this.

And I love answering those movie trivia questions

And I love that you wrote that down,

And I love you. I do.

And I need somebody to bounce ideas off of.

And I really cannot wait

And I said yeah, and I got paid pretty well,

And I saw a man leave his car running

And I think I've come up with a title for the film:

And I think it's you.

And I think that high heat melted most of my boys.

And I thought we had this connection, but...

And I want it.

And I want you and Ravi both.

And I wanted to get you a gift to say I'm sorry.

And I was just like, "A'ight."

And I was really into Japanese culture and stuff

And I will cherish it forever,

And I won't take no for an answer.

And I'll ask this girl Sarah

And I'll cover all the changes and stuff.

And I'll figure something out.

And I'll meet someone magical that'll change my life.

And I'm at a Father John Misty show, I'm already fudged.

And I'm destroyed.

And I'm done.

And I'm gonna learn about her life."

And I'm not gonna get that part.

And I'm not saying cheating's good by any means,

And I've basically invested two of my prime years with you,

And I've been there for about six years.

And I've pretty much been there for the past, like, 15 years.

And if I catch any of your clothes

And if I don't do this now, I don't think I ever will.

And if I showed up by myself, that'd seem kind of lame.

And if you got this strict diet,

And isolate the drumsticks

And it came on,

And it doesn't even close slowly.

And it doesn't work that way, you know?

And it feels like you're in Europe.

And it got stuck in a tree.

And it has many parts, one of which is monogamy.

And it just sucks because it just feels like

And it looks like we're going with 50 Cent

And it looks like we're pretty good on time.

And it says,

And it sounded so awesome.

And it turns out that there's another ghost among us.

And it was a little hard 'cause we were in an airport,

And it was attached to my body.

And it was incredible, you know?

And it's a lot of pressure.

And it's accepted.

And it's all 'cause our parents made these crazy sacrifices.

And it's like, "Oh, well, guess that plan's dead."

And it's not cold inside,

And it's real nice meeting you.

And journalist?

And just said thank you?

And just text me when you guys land, okay?

And later on,

And learned more about their lives

And let it ruin your career long term!

And listen when I talk to you.

And little Dev went over and said,

And look at NBA trade rumors on my phone.

And loving it, because it'd be adorable.

And make it beautiful as it goes through you.

And make sure this is something you want to do.

And Mekhi Phifer's there.

And move to Italy and go to pasta making school.

And my personal favorite,

And not going the Short Circuit 2 route.

And now a baby's come out of that same vagina.

And now he drives a car that talks to him.

And now he, like, runs a scuba shop, and he lives there.

And now he's dead.

And now I feel like it's pretty routine.

And now I have to throw them out?

And now she's never going to.

And now they're gonna make more of an effort

And now you get a conscience?

And now you're talking about moving all the way to Chicago

And on my way home... stepped in dog poo.

And one day,

And one of the Billies is obsessed with feet.

And our special white barbecue sauce.

And over here, the examination rooms.

And people lose jackets at shows all the time.

And possibly never working again.

And posted that shit all over Facebook?

And pretend I was shopping for a puppy for 30 minutes

And put it all over his face.

And puts it into a physical object.

And rakes too!

And rakes too.

And rakes too.

And rubbing it on all the packages of frozen waffles.

And said not to tell anybody.

And said they were trying to find a minority

And save some room for dessert.

And screaming and yelling,

And second of all, who says that going in

And see that the window is already closed.

And see who can curry our favor, hahaha."

And seeing if there's an old lady in there?

And she definitely loves those Funyuns.

And she didn't have any emotional attachment to the guy?

And she had the nicest bumps ever,

And she says they're the biggest divas she's ever worked with.

And she was like, "Oh, yeah, that was me,"

And she was really cool and funny.

And she was standing at this jukebox,

And she went crazy, and she beat his bumps.

And she went to the bathroom, and she's been taking a while,

And she's definitely little.

And she's sitting around with three of her buds

And some dude went and grabbed me groceries from Whole Foods.

And sometimes they fought about more serious stuff.

And sorry about your lizard.

And spilled Campari on the kitchen counter.

And staring at the street.

And starts laughing at me.

And talk like I'm talking now.

And tells you what you want to eat.

And text nonsense to forever.

And that this love would never fade.

And that was a political policy introduced into their ecosystem,

And that you don't like the road

And that you love strawberry lemonade.

And that's a good relationship, right?

And the chicken and crepes.

And the hood started smoking.

And the police came and got him.

And the president's like,

And the scientist is like, "Kentucky, Madam President?

And the texts are off.

And the tree dies.

And then a little bit of this, and then we're done.

And then another octopus that feels like

And then as you get older,

And then Chang lost to Sampras.

And then Colin goes on to save the world.

And then Dev was like, "Ooh, I'm gonna kiss her."

And then ended it by being kicked out

And then give him a mean mug afterwards.

And then he got kidney stones,

And then he lost to Michael Chang.

And then he's like, "Nope, we're in Brooklyn."

And then his cousin comes from India and has to stay with him.

And then I sent a cop a photo of the guy's dick.

And then I started to think about what you said

And then I thought about my sister

And then I tried to order them online... Out of stock.

And then I'll see you later.

And then later on,

And then later, the scientist is with the president, right?

And then one day, I fell, and everyone panicked,

And then one of them bends down and picks up my knife.

And then she had to call the police.

And then the condom broke.

And then the other guy dropped out.

And then the whole pretending to be bad?

And then they called me back again, and I got it.

And then they just die.

And then they said they cast this other guy.

And then we both just start laughing.

And then we go to tonight's show.

And then we jump into a helicopter, right?

And then we started dating.

And then went back to making fatty foods.

And then when it doesn't come out anymore, I throw it away.

And then when they start getting gross and being dicks,

And then you can hit these different kind of angles.

And then you decided to drunkenly berate the director?

And then you have a roaring fire,

And then you throw a kid in the mix...

And then you're eating pasta

And then, boom, we're there.

And then, I see a group of four commie soldiers

And then, like, walked into another room.

And then, out of nowhere, he's just dead.

And there is a movie... I'll grant you that.

And there was karaoke involved.

And there's less surprise and less excitement,

And there's this other girl

And they brought a plate of desserts for us to look at.

And they did their vows,

And they form, like, this zombie pyramid,

And they give you a little robotic seal.

And they had so much fun.

And they had to go get the magic potion

And they have new manta rays there.

And they just hitch a ride.

And they put me in this god awful place.

And they really love the kingdom they built together.

And they said no.

And they said that my grandma's missing.

And they started talking and dancing,

And they thought they were never gonna see each other ever again.

And they totally got it,

And they were drinking and dancing and having fun,

And they would tend to your farm,

And they're all trying to climb in.

And they're deciding on pilots this week,

And they're like, "Oh, great.

And they're wanting to meet with you tomorrow.

And this concert's tomorrow.

And this guy came up to me

And this guy started following me around, so I left.

And this is from somebody who repped Mariah Carey.

And tossing me in a landfill.

And totally assimilated.

And try to figure out what the hell happened.

And try to make it work with Rachel

And try yourself an ethnic," and here we are.

And turns it into all these beautiful colors.

And two Martinelli's as well.

And wags its tail.

And wake up with a kid in my lap

And wanted to know if you could read now via Skype.

And waste everybody's time,

And we add sesame caramel and Luxardo.

And we both got pretty drunk,

And we both Instagrammed the picture of that frittata?

And we can sort it all out.

And we create a little

And we drew you a picture to go with it.

And we get to become ghosts,

And we have old Arnold buy you a brand new Blu ray player?

And we have to throw the leftovers in the trash.

And we just bought a house in Montauk,

And we never get to see them.

And we never thank them.

And we really thought we could pull it off.

And we saw this dude jerking off.

And we should celebrate with a Cinnabon,

And we started texting back and forth.

And we were being ugly to each other

And we'd see your grandpa for a minute.

And we'll find a place that's still open?

And we'll just meet up later at your place?

And we're gonna show it to the cops.

And we've had every version of sex, right?

And we've never really shown our appreciation.

And what do you do again?

And what I'm saying is that there are a lot

And what was after that?

And what's the other option?

And when I hit the ground, I see

And when somebody, especially my boyfriend,

And when this train stops, there's gonna be cops

And when you change your mind, text me.

And who knows if the clip will go viral, you know?

And whoever says yes, you take her.

And work on some more dumb shit

And yelled, "Miami," a bunch?

And you add that, then you put in the big logs,

And you apply it to everything else.

And you do your thing, okay?

And you don't fucking want to do this or something.

And you get struck by lightning?

And you just know where you're gonna go,

And you just started getting mad at me.

And you know I got diverse cultural tastes.

And you make 50 to 75 million dollars

And you put them under a microscope,

And you realize you fucked up your life.

And you rock.

And you see what's ahead.

And you slam their head down like this, boom!

And you want something to drink?

And you went to a public high school for students, uh,

And you'll remember the times we had together that did rock

And you're at home with this beautiful,

And you're excited about a free $4 thing of popcorn?

And you're kind of right.

And your critically acclaimed dramas?

And your father went to work.

And Zach's awesome.

And, look, in the meantime, I can do good things

And, uh Fuck.

And, uh, we hooked up that night.

And, um, he's just never been the same since.

And, um, there's a chance that what he did

And, what, and I fucking hate my life?

And, you know, don't tell anyone

And, you know, I'll just meet up with you later.

And, you know, rather than having you audition

And... we just decided to go in this new direction.

Andrea, I remember the first time I met you.

Another Indian guy.

Another reason I want to be a spy is,

Another reason that we wanted to take you guys out

Antibodies are stable.

Anush?

Any Indian sweets?

Any popadam?

Anytime I turned around, they were just causing mayhem.

Anyway, here's the bathroom.

Anyway, how about this?

Apparently there's no farmland in Manhattan.

Apparently, there's a difference in curd size.

Apparently, they both died in a fire,

Are any of your grandparents still alive?

Are from a different culture and everything.

Are having a barbecue, and one of their wives

Are there any other stories that you remember

Are we ever gonna get to order a drink?

Are we supposed to be together forever?

Are you fucking serious?

Are you fucking serious? Another Indian dude?

Are you going out for Three Buddies?

Are you gonna, like, propose to me or something?

Are you guys doing anything fun for the summer?

Are you guys having a hard time with these accents?

Are you implying that I'm the dirty one

Are you on birth control and stuff?

Are you on this text chain with all the parents?

Are you ready to give up

Are you really just gonna take that?

Are you really mad at me right now?

Are you s I love the aquarium.

Are you serious?

Are you serious?

Are you serious?

Are you sitting down?

Are you sure it's milk?

Are you sure that you can watch them?

Are you sure you want to move all the way to Chicago?

Are you the dude from the Mucinex commercial?

Are you the one person that I'm supposed to be with forever?

Are you trying to spice things up?

Aren't you the one making your boss come

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito are twins.

Arnold, how you holding up, son?

Arnold, what were you saying?

Arnold, what's going on in your love life, buddy?

Around Penn Station eating pretzels.

Arthur Ryan, father of the groom.

As a matter of fact, I just recently recorded

As a minority,

As a sort of thank you/I'm sorry gift.

As am I.

As long as we got back before curfew.

As soon as she stood up, I was like, "Oh, no."

As the evil senator who looks the other way.

As the pre ejaculate leaves the body, however,

As we speak.

Ask him where he's from.

Ask the conductor to call the police?

At 169 Bar Saturday night.

At a bunch of photos of me and her, just like,

At a different angle is gonna solve anything?

At Babeland yesterday.

At Bamonte's?

At Garden Depot, they have the best deals

At Garden Depot, they have the best deals

At least you got paid pretty well.

At least you got to know him a little bit.

At least you still got to attend the wrap party.

At some point, I would love to do something crazy,

At the end of one of those, uh, fast food commercials.

At the pie eating contest got scrapped.

At this age, it's really intense.

At this point, I just don't want you to bring Brian.

At this shitty hotel bar.

At your age, your father

Ate some rice, and went to bed.

Aw, come on. I didn't say old.

Aw, fuck! My favorite sneakies!

Aw, it's a little racist,

Aw, man. Game over.

Aw, shit.

Aw, thanks, man.

Aw, that's nice.

Aw, that's nice.

Aw, you got to be shitting me.

Awesome!

Awesome.

Aww, man...

Babeland has a very strict return policy

Baby Justin!

Baby Justin? Who's that?

Baby Justin.

Backwards.

Bamonte's combination salad?

Bamonte's, Bamonte's, Bamonte's, Bamonte's, Bamonte's!

Bamonte's.

Bamonte's.

Basically.

Batman has a Batmobile. Thor has a Thor mobile.

Be careful?

Beatrice and Charlemagne?

Beatrice.

Because Chopped is amazing!

Because he took you to a basketball game?

Because I invited a lot of my friends and family.

Because I talked to them how I was unhappy working with all the crappy bands,

Because I tried to have a conversation,

Because I'm a really big fan of the band.

Because if I just made a mess every day,

Because it looks like we're selling giant rakes.

Because it sounds like that's what you're saying.

Because nobody would understand me because of my accent.

Because of the aforementioned Cinnabons.

Because she got thrown out of the venue.

Because the Blue Billy fucked the Red Billy's wife

Because there was all this drama

Because they love each other very much

Because we both like the outdoors,

Because we used to have, like, crazy, amazing sex all the time.

Because you have that sick ticket,

Because you kept asking questions,

Because you love me?

Because you see this phone right here?

Because you're a man of principles.

Because you're right,

Because your movie was garbage.

Because, Dev, I'm inspired by you,

Before discarding them into the recycling bins?

Before the battle at The Shelter.

Before you get matched up.

Before you go,

Behind the telescope?

Being a creeper the whole time.

Between us,

Between us, Timothy,

Between us, what's the worst thing you've ever done?

Big move.

Black lady! Chinese man!

Black people just got to "there can be two" status,

Blacklist. It's a great show.

Blink if he actually got murdered.

Blow up the whole thing 'cause one part is broken.

Boníssima!

Boom!

Boom.

Boop, pop a couple in, keep on riding.

Bounce house.

Brad Honeycutt situation.

Brad Honeycutt, Brad Honeycutt, okay.

Bradley Cooper's characters do in movies?

Brah, little bit loose of a hug, don't you think?

Breadsticks. Redskins.

Break it up!

Brenda got pregnant,

Brian and I just wanted to take you to a nice dinner

Brian appreciated it.

Brian Donkers: "I'm in!"