All About Nina Edit

A big part of me just wants to leave.

A bit of performance, a bit of hope.

A married cop?

A walking stereotype. So am I.

About their childhood.

Absolutely.

Actually gagged.

Actually this is the first time I've ever been to a comedy club.

Actually, yes.

Actually, you're not that smart.

Against abuse.

Ah, now, you deserve better than that.

Ah, the usual.

Ah, they were clingers.

Ah, you don't have to do anything.

Ah!

Ah. I invited you in,

All healthy shit.

All I can tell you is that Rafe is a solid dude.

All right, you guys ready for your first comedian?

All right? Here's what I'm gonna do.

All right? I don't need to sit in a circle to own my truth.

All right. Real defensive.

All right. Well, I'll get in touch with you later.

All right. You can put your claws away there, Wolverine.

All these people are here to see you.

All those references are worthless now.

Am I supposed to know? Are you some sort of...

Am I turning Cher southern?

Amy, do you remember we had a conversation

Amy's parents, they live in LA.

And also the underbelly of a fairy,

And also, I find it pretty amusing

And another guy, he saved dolphins for a living

And ask you what your favorite color is.

And couldn't possibly imagine that it was a human smell.

And going on to solve the energy crisis,

And have a good time.

And he was just like a... a beautiful human being.

And here's something else you probably don't know.

And I can understand why you would feel that way.

And I can't stop fucking him.

And I didn't stop her.

And I don't like that, so...

And I don't want you to think this is a hit and run.

And I had spinach in my teeth. Like, how embarrassing.

And I said, "Welcome.

And I smiled every time you recapped Days of our Lives

And I think I'm gonna...

And I want to fuck her.

And I want you to know that I believe in you.

And I will come after you if something goes wrong. I will.

And I would still be bonerific...

And I'm glad that we agree.

And I'm wondering if that's all people are gonna see

And I've tried.

And if I hadn't called?

And if you do?

And in walks Joe.

And it's easy to think I'm into casual sex,

And it's like, you can just tell me you're gonna try to choke me in bed.

And it's your turn now.

And it's, you know, not a warm room.

And just because I grew up next door to you,

And just get up in the face of everybody who accidentally bumps into you.

And just shit that blood out.

And just the kind of asshole I like to ride.

And let a guy stare into your eyes

And let me pay for a fucking drink?

And make you come before the kids wake up.

And move on from.

And my girlfriend is not in town.

And now I have to go handle your career.

And now you know.

And on top, millions and millions of urban electrons.

And once he knows I'm in the business

And over the next day or two,

And play Phil Collins,

And put plates on top of it,

And quiet.

And rage.

And she's dead now.

And so you're like... [grunts]

And some fruit.

And stating one instance in which

And that is not gonna go away.

And that's not what I want.

And then be able to express those feelings.

And then just be like, "I read your horoscope, babe."

And then, if somebody comes at us with a machete,

And then, the 90s ended.

And they hate it when I do that.

And this is Bijork ordering a smoothie.

And usually pudgy.

And we can hang out and I'll make you dinner.

And when you ignore a request of mine,

And yes, he hits me. He's a cop. Duh.

And yes, I am jealous of them.

And you are a female.

And you just take a damn shit.

And you never been with anyone?

And you shouldn't out her, Carrie.

And you were... You were great.

And you're like, "Ah, I gotta take a shit."

And you're like, "Oh, I gotta take a shit."

And your asshole tighten?

And your material possessions

Angry.

Any Ganja equivalence in your life?

Any guy walking into a guitar center.

Any other things you wanna share?

Anyway, I know this is a lot of information.

Are they pitting us against each other?

Are we asking for too much?

Are you gonna show up, or are you just gonna fuck the doorman

Are you like a motivational speaker or something?

Are you okay? I've been trying you all morning.

Are you sure? 'Cause if I give up my apartment in New York,

As far as I'm concerned,

As soon as I saw it, I knew I had to live here.

As we get out of the car,

At least I don't smell old.

At least man up to it, you slut.

Bad.

Be straightforward so I can...

Because considering the shit I've been through,

Because I don't get it.

Because men never talk about their dicks,

Because now you're the comedian who was ****d,

Because you always want to fuck her.

Breathe.

Brendan Fraser at the Oscars a few years ago.

Bunch of old, bloated white guys being like,

But a big part of me wants to be 80 and still going on stage.

But a bunch of dudes that just couldn't stop thinking about

But also people I know I'm gonna feel comfortable with

But did you know that I tested for Comedy Prime?

But do me a favor and don't tell anyone.

But he gagged when he smelled my pussy.

But he just left his wife for you?

But here's the thing.

But I actually do cook.

But I also kind of can't stop staring.

But I do have to ask you a favor.

But I do that with every guy.

But I got it, I fucking got it.

But I mean, you have to have more than that, you know.

But I promise,

But I want you to understand

But I'm just telling you the truth about Ganja.

But I'm over it.

But I'm saying, let's just take it one step at a time.

But I'm sensing your energy...

But if he had trimmed his nails,

But instead I made up a story about

But it seems you don't like that I'm that way.

But it was by mistake. It happens.

But it was me. It was my smell.

But it would have been too much.

But Larry is still gonna have to see you do stand up.

But people didn't know about it then.

But that's exactly what pisses me off.

But there's something that just been bothering me,

But they really want a curated reality.

But we should still thank them for their presence.

But weirdly no men.

But you are freaky sometimes.

But you fucked her instead?

But you fucking asked.

But you fucking asked.

But you need a publicist.

But you try to hide it?

But you will come by.

But you're still here.

But you've also come out

But, ah, you just wanna fuck your lab assistant.

But, I mean, what is he talking about,

But, no.

But, no. Now I know you're a fucking ghoster.

But, yeah. No, I want kids.

By coming here tonight.

By going around the circle

Bye bye.

Bye.

Call 'em up.

Call me back, okay?

Can I help you?

Can I still audition for Comedy Prime?

Can we get fucked up now?

Can we have a Jack and ginger, please?

Can we have some water, please?

Can you help me set it up?

Can you start a tab for me?

Carrie told me you were coming.

Cat?

Chaos,

Cheers.

Cheers.

Coconips.

Come here.

Come here.

Come in. I'm gonna show you the house.

Come on, I can't just make you flautas the first time.

Come on.

Come on. I'm loving the band...

Come on. Look, she wanted to have a baby with me

Come on. What? What?

Come.

Comedy Prime, right?

Congratulations on the job, girl!

Considering your performance on Friday,

Continue straight.

Cordyceps, reishi and maca.

Could you not like look at me maybe? I don't...

Crazy night.

Cy. Fine.

Daddy stuff?

Damn.

Dating, dating, dating,

Dating, dating...

Defend you from what?

Dentures fall out, I don't even care.

Did I say make you dinner?

Did it get in your pussy?

Did you hate my thighs?

Did you just say... Did you just use... Oh, God.

Did you know, that's why we haven't found a cure for cancer?

Did you make flautas for Ganja?

Didn't you say you were gonna make me dinner?

Do I need to tell you not to leave the sponge

Do I want to?

Do something about it,

Do we really wanna do that? I mean...

Do you wanna get married or have children, or any of that?

Do you wanna just go, then?

Do you want me to call them for you? 'Cause I will.

Does anybody walk?

Does he have kids?

Does he know his way around?

Does he make your labia throb,

Does the cat make you feel better?

Doesn't mean you're gonna like my social media posts now, okay?

Don't be mad.

Don't call me a bitch, you bitch.

Don't do nothing.

Don't feel sorry for me.

Don't fuck it up.

Don't fucking touch me.

Don't leave, don't leave. No, no, no. Nina.

Don't worry. I'm anti war now.

Don't you know that?

Don't.

Dope.

Dr. Streisand, pick up the phone.

Driving me fucking crazy.

Eases most people into conversation.

Eight years down the line, when you've heard all his stupid jokes,

Eight years of **** will, um,

Either you're not being honest up there,

Even more insulting then, God.

Every time somebody says hello to me.

Everybody would want to take you home to mama.

Extremely rare for a comic.

Face down on the floor,

Face down on the floor,

First of all,

First of all, she's not a model.

For putting me up and everything.

For what?

For your trip to LA.

Fornication,

Freaking at 3:00 A.M.

From men trying to fuck us

Fuck off, dude.

Fuck you, Amy.

Fuck you. [laughs]

Fuck you. Why are you following me?

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck! Don't you fucking move!

Fuck! Goddammit!

Fuck! Nina!

Fucking girl comic.

Fucking hilarious.

Fucking shit!

Fucking that hot Israeli translator.

Fucks me right.

Get that.

Get that. Yes, get that.

Get the fuck off me.

Get the fuck off my daughter!

Get the hell off my property.

Girls I know don't have the balls to talk like you.

Give it up for our next comic, Mike Hall.

Give it up real big for Nina Geld.

Give me a kiss.

Give me your dick.

Gives you a fucking day off for bloodshitza.

Go fuck a dolphin, I'm out.

Go, go.

God, I must be more fucked up than I realized.

God, you're always picking on men." Yeah.

God, you're so fucking solid.

God!

God.

Gonna let the mouse out.

Good job.

Good night.

Good night.

Goodbye.

Great.

Great.

Ha ha ha ha. Yes, it's me, Emma Stone.

Have a drink, talk.

Have fun jacking off to me tonight, right?

Have you guys checked that out yet?

He do that to your face?

He hands us his headshot.

He hates New York though. He's not gonna go there. He hates it.

He left his wife for you.

He said he'd have to think about it, so...

He starts talking about films.

He was like, "Jenny, you should know

He wouldn't take you home to mama?

He's a breath of fresh air at this moment,

He's a joke.

He's been an extra for Marty,

He's done comedy, blah, blah, blah.

He's funny and sexy, and...

He's here.

He's my husband. We got two kids.

He's not a good guy. He's a cop. Hey...

Hell of a dad though, right?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello? Carrie? Hey.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello. I am Nina.

Hello. Wow.

Help us hide the body of the dude we just shot.

Here's what really matters.

Hey, Bree. How you doing?

Hey, can I get a Jack and ginger?

Hey, don't fuck with me.

Hey, ducky, ducky.

Hey, fellas.

Hey, get back here!

Hey, hey.

Hey, I just wanna say thank you

Hey, I'm starting to feel like I'm getting into

Hey, Ken.

Hey, ladies.

Hey, Nina. It's Carrie. Good news.

Hey, what's up, guys? Thank you for showing up.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, where'd you go?

Hey, who the fuck is this guy?

Hey, you should come to my club.

Hey!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey...

Hi, Mom.

Hi!

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. I'm Ganja.

Hi. Mom, hi.

Hi. Nina.

Hi. Wanna buy me a drink?

Hills, roots.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm. No.

Hmm. Yeah. Thank you.

Hold on.

Honeless people are like crazier here.

Hope things are well. Talk soon.

Hope... Hope for that.

Hopefully everything will be fine.

How am I a cougar?

How are you?

How did I lose my virginity?

How did I lose my virginity?

How did you lose your virginity?"

How do you know about that?

How do you know you was ****d?"

How do you... How...

How does... When he...

How many times

How many... How many women have you been with?

How old are you?

How old are you?

How was that?

How you... How you doing?

How... What do you...

I already feel old enough as it is.

I am plucking the hairs on my chiny chin chin.

I am, too.

I apologize. It's my fault.

I asked you to come up here, and I want you to stay. Okay?

I believe despite everything,

I believe in you, Nina. Oh, shit.

I bet he chokes black people for fun, too, huh?

I bet in Canada the National Health Service

I bet you do.

I bleed through my pussy every month.

I brought this, 'cause I know you like red wine, so...

I called her a worthless bitch.

I called you and I called you.

I called you.

I can't fucking believe it.

I can't tell if that's good or bad.

I can't. I can't.

I could have been a contender.

I could have sworn you said, "Where is your vagina, bitch?"

I did a whole thing about "where's the..."

I didn't mean any of the things I said about you.

I didn't think you'd come.

I didn't... I didn't know.

I do what I love.

I do. And I'm not the only one either.

I do. I...

I do. I'm asking you to dinner, not fucking.

I don't actually think there's anything going on between us.

I don't know what the fuck you're saying,

I don't know why.

I don't know.

I don't know. It felt like I was being interviewed by the patriarchy.

I don't know. It's just, um...

I don't like being like a celebrity.

I don't like going out. I just don't...

I don't like...

I don't mind it.

I don't mind.

I don't think you're really over her.

I don't usually date, so I've never really...

I don't wanna fucking go home with you.

I don't. I fuck.

I fear a little fear in...

I feel like I'm being blamed.

I feel that way also,

I feel your energy tired.

I feel...

I figured you'd need a drink one way or the other.

I follow you on the computer and it's really sad."

I get diarrhea.

I get it. I'm not special.

I get to audition?

I got a call from a friend one morning. She's been ****d.

I got her.

I got you, I got you.

I gotta come up with material and stuff, so...

I gotta get my fucking jacket.

I gotta take a shit.

I gotta think about it, Nina.

I guess that's too much...

I guess that's what's expected of me,

I guess you can audition.

I guess you don't really know how it goes.

I guess. But I don't know.

I had to build my confidence up.

I hadn't thought about him in so long.

I have a meeting with a client in Venice.

I have mouse phobia.

I have no idea what we're talking about anymore.

I have some cereal here.

I have to go. I gotta get my stuff.

I hear you.

I hear you.

I heard you sort of had a bit of a meltdown tonight.

I hire talented performers,

I hope not, Jesus.

I just didn't want you to think that...

I just need to have a cry.

I just wanna... Just wanna...

I just wanted to make sure you knew.

I just wanted to see if you were into me.

I just... I don't know why I did that.

I kid you not,

I knew I wasn't that special

I know I might sound sexist.

I know that.

I know what I wanted to talk to you about.

I know what you're thinking. "She's black."

I know you can do wonderful things here at Comedy Prime.

I know you... You might like that.

I know you're not gonna lie this, but,

I know.

I know. Comedy Prime.

I know. I gotta go though.

I left her just like I... Nina, look at me.

I left her, Nina. I left her for you.

I left her.

I like nice things.

I like that.

I like you too much for that.

I look down, it's like a scene from fucking Saving Private Ryan.

I love Carrie. Don't you love her?

I love it. You're so old.

I love you very much., Nina.

I love you.

I love you. I love you.

I make flautas.

I make things with my hands.

I mean, ass is good.

I mean, guys come up to me all the time after sets,

I mean, I can give it to someone else.

I mean, I have to like something about someone.

I mean, I would have made flautas,

I mean, I'm gonna be here a while. So...

I mean, in certain instances, yeah, it's good.

I mean, into the cherry blossom cycle.

I mean, it's better than having the sponge all around.

I mean, it's scary, but you're not familiar to me.

I mean, life is beautiful.

I mean, not every guy out there knows how to do that.

I mean, stand up is tough to sustain, you know.

I mean, this is great and all, but,

I mean, this whole idea that you gotta go out to dinner,

I mean, what else could I do then?

I mean, you said we're not gonna fuck.

I mean, you've had plenty of people on your show

I mean...

I might even be able to love somebody some day

I missed you so much.

I need to go and to be able to support you as well.

I need trees around me.

I never had sex like this before.

I never. It was so...

I own my truth already.

I put a little something together for you,

I read there's a German word for it.

I really like everything about you.

I really want that Best Picture Oscar. [laughs awkwardly]

I recently ran into this woman

I remember this party I went to in college where... [sniffs]

I respect phobias. Okay?

I saw my father hit my mother, too, when I was a kid, Lake.

I saw my father hit my mother.

I saw that you were acting here,

I saw your post. I thought you were funny.

I see I'm on the hot seat already.

I see you.

I should probably.

I shouldn't be with 20 year olds.

I swear, I'm like three years older than you.

I swear. If men were ****d as much as women,

I think I'm a little nervous here.

I think I'm kind of your perfect guy.

I think if that information prevents people from enjoying me play Taylor Swift,

I think it's because I know we're not gonna fuck tonight.

I think it's just somebody else.

I think we need some water.

I think we're doing a great job with not having sex.

I think you are gonna have a great life out there.

I thought he was dead.

I thought you did.

I thought you turned it off?

I thought you were the one that said

I told you, I'm 40.

I turned down a date with Joaquin Phoenix for you.

I understand that.

I used to live on the west side, but it was too wavy.

I usually just fuck the wrong guy and move on.

I want her to get on the phone whenever she's done taking a shit

I want my own show. I want...

I want to ask you about that.

I want you to come by if you would like to,

I wanted to see if you would call me.

I was gonna call you.

I was good. I was great. I was good.

I was just kidding. Just kidding.

I was on another call. That's what I do. It happens.

I was thinking that...

I was trance writing.

I was worried.

I was, but she broke my heart.

I was, um... We...

I was...

I wasn't taking a shit.

I will see what I can do.

I will. I would love to.

I won't do this to you. I promise.

I won't.

I wonder if we can tell the audience that we're doing characters.

I would have called you.

I would have told you I was coming, but you fucking blocked me.

I would like a neurotical smoothie

I would love to see you.

I would take you home to mama.

I, uh, wanted to know how you felt about it.

I, um...

I...

I... I promise.

I'd kiss you, but, I'm afraid you have chlamydia

I'd like to put an original bone in your body.

I'd love to see your stand up.

I'd love to. Yeah. What are you doing here?

I'll get you a drink. I'll get you a drink.

I'll just be a minute.

I'll talk to you later. Goodbye.

I'm a 40 year old man.

I'm a big, fat fuck.

I'm a California native.

I'm a comedian.

I'm a contractor.

I'm a little acerbic.

I'm a reasonably good person.

I'm Amy. I'm your mother's best friend.

I'm an improv actor.

I'm black now.

I'm Celine Dion.

I'm confused.

I'm done embarrassing myself.

I'm getting millions of bitcoins right now."

I'm glad you got it off your chest.

I'm gonna call you.

I'm gonna cook Mexican.

I'm gonna cry in a bathtub.

I'm gonna fuck it up.

I'm gonna fuck it up.

I'm gonna get that table.

I'm gonna open the door,

I'm happy for you on the inside.

I'm happy to tell you about my parents, sir.

I'm here filling in for a friend.

I'm here. I came to visit you.

I'm jealous of their mothers who come out to visit them.

I'm just auditioning.

I'm just gonna share it with you.

I'm Lake. My pronouns are she/her.

I'm leaving.

I'm moving out there.

I'm moving to LA.

I'm no longer married.

I'm not actually a bartender.

I'm not doing it on purpose just to piss you off.

I'm not getting on stage next.

I'm not gonna fuck you, okay? I'm not.

I'm not saying I want my women pretty and quiet.

I'm organizing this fundraiser thing tonight,

I'm pretty fucking cheery.

I'm Rafe.

I'm Rafe.

I'm Rafe.

I'm Rafe.

I'm Rafe.

I'm serious this time.

I'm so glad you're here.

I'm so sorry!

I'm sorry I left.

I'm sorry to wake you, but I have to go to work.

I'm sorry, what?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I like the fucking you part.

I'm sorry. I realize it's a mixed message,

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry to bother you.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. What do people...

I'm special.

I'm special.

I'm special.

I'm staying at my agent's friend's house.

I'm supposed to be like fourth.

I'm supposed to say, like, she's really funny, but she's hot.

I'm taking these. So...

I'm tired, I'm new here.

I'm truthful on stage, but I'm not...

I'm trying really hard to be honest with him.

I'm water based, so I need the balance.

I'm whiskey based, so that's more my thing.

I'm writing down an idea.

I'm your ally. Mercury is in retrogade.

I'm...

I've asked you

I've been here for, like, over 15 years.

I've been reading a lot of stuff about myself recently.

I've lived right over here for years.

I"ll put you in touch with Bunny.

If I lose weight you'll fuck me?

If I move, will it kill me?

If I wasn't having a panic attack right now,

If it works out, you're gonna have plenty of miserable fucking years to find out.

If we do this, I'll be just another guy that you fucked

If we weren't always defending ourselves

If you can call him that.

If you can call it that, was with this guy.

If you sat on any of the stools in this pub,

If you weren't just trying to fuck us all the time.

If you're not gonna tell me a joke.

Impressive.

In fact, I'm... I'm bleeding through my pussy right now.

In my 20s, I got into a horrible argument with my mother.

In the beginning they would wonder where it came from,

In the bottom of the sink?

Insanity,

Instead of graduating, getting her doctorate

Intimacy issues. I get it.

Is Cher southern?

Is everything okay? Did I get fired from Comedy Prime?

Is if he can go down on you

Is it just me, or are there more people here tonight than usual?

Is it me? You said you liked my thighs.

Is it?

Is she's lucky I don't turn into the Hulk

Is that a joke, or...

Is that good or bad?

Is that it?

Is that supposed to be funny?

Is that your Tonight Show set you're working out?

Is this how guys in LA are?

Is this when you would usually...

Is this your move?

Is what I'm saying.

Isn't this what you've always wanted?

It didn't bother me, okay? It didn't.

It doesn't matter who he is, okay?

It doesn't work for me.

It doesn't work unless we do it for 15 minutes straight.

It happens to a lot of us women.

It has nothing to do with your weight. You know why?

It has the effect that you want it to have on others.

It is gonna be so fantastic.

It is really nice.

It keeps me from falling asleep during sex.

It made me sad.

It makes no difference to me, you see.

It must be nice, huh?

It should have almond milk,

It should not have dairy.

It takes years

It was all in my head.

It was an awful thing.

It was decades ago, though.

It was like the top female comedians that they're considering.

It was on Chugfeed.

It was... It was good seeing you.

It won't happen anymore.

It would be like a serpent screaming

It would help remind me

It's a brand new world now.

It's a list.

It's a long time.

It's a super endocrine.

It's actually making me kind of horny how funny you are.

It's always good to know.

It's because of fucking lab assistants.

It's because there's not a single original bone in your body.

It's been hours, Nina.

It's built around that tree there and the rocks.

It's cool. Really cool.

It's from Angie's list, so they're very... They're reputable.

It's gonna be great. It's gonna be great.

It's gonna be really good.

It's good that you feel that way.

It's good.

It's just a tiny rodent.

It's just all the waiting.

It's just like a massacre in there.

It's just like you're really aggressive.

It's just not.

It's just the right amount of screwed up.

It's just what I do.

It's liberating.

It's like, "Talk to me, boo.

It's like, first of all, you know what I'm going through.

It's my agent.

It's never really worked for me, the whole dating thing.

It's not every day you get to witness

It's not gonna be easy.

It's not really what I was expecting

It's not what I do.

It's okay.

It's okay. I can handle it.

It's our fucking time to get out fucking fantasies out there.

It's probably not that safe.

It's really a hug there.

It's really, really cool. Thank you.

It's right in here, just giving me heartburn.

It's so good that you're here.

It's such a boring thing to talk about.

It's the relationship part that I can't do.

It's true. You smell young and fresh.

It's weird.

It's yummy, so there's no leftover. I'm so sorry.

Jacking off to you is gonna be the best part of my night.

Jesus.

Jesus... How did you get in here?

Joaquin Phoenix.

Joaquin?

Joe, the guy I mentioned.

Joe.

John said that to the ****, and look where it got us.

Just as I'm about to take my friend in for her **** test,

Just before I get my period every month,

Just fuck!

Just like there should be an app that tells you all your new guys' issues.

Just offer to buy me a slice, so...

Just please take this smoothie for me, please.

Just saying hi to a friend.

Just talking about dating?

Just the pure, unearned self assurance

Just wanted to make sure you knew.

Just... I'm here for you.

Kids, hold on a second.

Kind of a lot of pressure on you to do great.

Lake, Lake, Lake.

Lake.

Lake.

Larry Michaels wants to meet me,

Larry. Okay.

Let alone on stage.

Let me be your man.

Let me hear it.

Let me hear it.

Let me take care of you.

Let's get it out of the way. I don't date.

Let's go to your bedroom.

Let's go.

Let's talk about it later. You have a show.

Like a car crash.

Like make the child that night.

Like really kooky. Talking about fucking your dad or something?

Like stand up, single...

Like that time I had spinach in my teeth,

Like you did last time?

Like, all I do now is just wait for Larry Michaels to call,

Like, as a girl comic.

Like, how many comics have forged careers

Like, how many Ganjas are there?

Like, I can be freaky...

Like, it's too much. No woman can handle it.

Like, look, when he walks into a room,

Like, this dance is stupid.

Like, this one's a mama's boy, or this asshole never tips,

Like, when I was younger there was the wine and paint instructor

Like, you work with fish all fucking day.

Listen, can you book me?

Look at that. You'll be fine.

Look what the cat dragged in.

Look, let me say this. You're right.

Look, look, look. Hey, Nina, you have time. It's okay.

Look, man. It should be a good weekend. It gets a little wild.

Look, the truth will set you free.

Look, you know what? Have a seat. Let's get at it, 'cause...

Looks like you already got a Ken.

Lose some weight, you fat fuck. Look at yourself.

Losing my virginity to a boy I used to love.

Lot of people here tonight. Um...

Loud.

Machine washable.

Make anybody a little irritated.

Makes me nervous. I don't know what to do.

Maybe I will.

Mike! Mike, Mike, Mike!

Mine, um... Mine committed suicide.

Mmm hmm.

Mmm hmm. Exactly. Like a female bake off.

Mmm hmm. Yeah.

Mmm. Desperate?

Mmm... not so much.

Mom.

Mom. Mom, I'm hungry.

More than usual. I'm a little bit...

Most of them even get to the first step.

Moving on.

Murderer.

My dad left.

My immediate instinct is to break a fucking beer bottle over his head.

My name is Geronimo, but you can call me Smoky.

My name is Jamie Lactus. Have a good night.

My pussy would still be throbbing.

My tampon fell out mid kiss,

Never really done this before.

Never?

Nina Geld, everybody.

Nina, did you commit a crime?

Nina, the truth

Nina, this means it's gonna happen.

Nina!

Nina. Look, Nina.

Nina...

Nina... Nina!

No "yeah, yeah" me, huh.

No fucking way. Sorry.

No Matt Damon, just the all female reboot.

No name yet, but I cannot wait to get to know her.

No one?

No one's ever turned me down before.

No pants on, just like,

No problem.

No snappy comeback now? What?

No, did I say that?

No, don't stop. Come on. No.

No, fuck him. he wouldn't turn the Packers game off.

No, hold on.

No, I am.

No, I didn't... Stop. I can't...

No, I don't know.

No, I don't want her to call me back.

No, I know if people are laughing, or if my joke bombed.

No, I know. But that's a great time.

No, I mean like a comic. You don't have that vibe.

No, I mean, I'm...

No, I'm just reassuring you that I already know

No, I'm just trying to be honest. We're being honest.

No, I'm not drunk.

No, I'm with him because I'm a fuck up.

No, it has everything to do with my weight.

No, it's LA.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

No, no, no. Wait a minute.

No, no.

No, no. Hold on.

No, no. Let me guess.

No, no. You should hear this.

No, seriously. It was decades ago.

No, we want our men to cry.

No, you're holding your liquor well.

No? Well, I don't know if I want to buy you a drink

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. I want my men strong and sensitive.

No. Moving in the next day?

No. No.

No. No.

None of us got calls.

None of your fucking business.

None of your fucking business.

Nope.

Not at the same time.

Not even those amazing thighs are worth her blabbering fucking mouth.

Not even you.

Not getting it, right?

Not just in your vagina, but in your head, too.

Not that long ago.

Not the casual sex part.

Not the type of girl you'd want to bring home.

Not to just punch some dude out

Not what you expected?

Nothing.

Now, I usually like to ask people I'm interested in hiring

Now, I'd like to begin

Now, would you like me to get it?

Now.

Of course, I fucking know. He's my husband.

Of course. Not a problem.

Of plumbers.

Of recovery and therapy, and...

Of the deepest parts of my soul.

Oh, call me Larry, please.

Oh, come on. Let it go.

Oh, come on. Let's do it.

Oh, everybody's so tan, and they run.

Oh, fuck, yes! Oh!

Oh, fuck! [grunts]

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fucking finally! Where?

Oh, girl!

Oh, God. That's a relief.

Oh, he fucks like a God. Oh...

Oh, he runs Comedy Prime.

Oh, hey. What up, Nina?

Oh, it affected you.

Oh, like a fake off.

Oh, man!

Oh, my God, take you out of your game hot,

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. I can't believe we both did Bjork.

Oh, my God. It's so boring.

Oh, my God. You're so cute.

Oh, my gosh! It's Amy.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my... Okay.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm not doing this.

Oh, no!

Oh, no.

Oh, no. Stay home, watch some hockey

Oh, no... [laughing]

Oh, now that he comes up you're gonna get...

Oh, really?

Oh, shit.

Oh, so this is what you want? You want us fighting over you now?

Oh, sorry, sir. You said...

Oh, that is so sweet.

Oh, that's good.

Oh, um, I...

Oh, well, that changes everything.

Oh, yeah, yeah. There are.

Oh, yeah. You've been on the hot seat ever since I found out

Oh, yes. I had her yesterday morning.

Oh, you haven't seen anything yet.

Oh, you look real cool.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh.

Oh. Hi. Um...

Oh. Oh, oh.

Oh. Thanks. Thank you.

Oh. What vibe is that?

Okay, Ganja. You're always talking about Ganja.

Okay, good.

Okay, look. This isn't for everybody.

Okay, okay.

Okay, please call me.

Okay, thank you.

Okay, what's going on?

Okay?

Okay?

Okay?

Okay? 'Cause he keeps showing up,

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. I know I'm not supposed to talk about my pussy on stage,

Okay. Is that Werner Herzog?

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Uh, it's Cy actually...

Okay. Uh... I'm gonna go.

Okay. Um, I'll take Kristen Stewart's order.

Okay. Um, what if we got one of those sponge holders?

Okay. Well, Bunny will call you.

Okay. Well, I'm 30.

Okay. Well...

On stage.

One thing you shouldn't have seen.

Only to get to it.

Ooh. By the way, do you wanna do an SVU?

Ooh. Yeah, that's not good.

Or a freak in bed or whatever, but I'm not.

Or did you ghost your wife, too?

Or do stand up, or now fuck you.

Or do you hate my thighs?

Or he was the Zodiac Killer.

Or my dress got stuck in my underwear,

Or people who lived in a bubble of protection their entire lives.

Or Syria, or Saudi Arabia, or whatever.

Or this guy's into toe fucking, or whatever.

Or whatever it is she's doing.

Or you're not being honest now.

Otherwise they're gonna be like super fucking confused.

Our fears are gonna sink.

Peace between Israel and Palestine,

People are like, "Oh, you're such a man hater.

People say that, but that's...

People seem to think I'm negative.

People think they want reality,

Periods and shitting liquid, and all this stuff.

Pick up the fucking phone, please.

Playing slapsies at 3:00 A.M.

Please don't.

Please give it up for Nina Geld!

Please leave your message and I will get back to you

Please pick up the fucking...

Please.

Plus, I sent out a mass email.

Polarizing.

Put the moves on?

Put your shit together. Okay?

Rafe...

Read this.

Really?

Really?

Really?

Really.

Rechargeable.

Refundable.

Reiki.

Relax, man.

Remember that time you were supposed to help your friend Jamie

Rescued a duck in Echo Park.

Right here in the bed with you.

Right, ladies? Ha!

Right, ladies? Who's with me?

Right?

Right?

Right?

Right.

Rise and shine, sleepy head.

Sandy, right?

Say the word and I'll kick him out, Nina.

See what that does for your opinion of men.

See? No, don't do that.

Seem nervous.

Seen some of the clips

Semper Fi, baby.

Seriously. I know this is the type of thing they warn you about on Jezebel.

Sharing all this personal stuff and then just

She actually, uh, left me for one of my friends.

She can put me in a dungeon, tie me up,

She died the next day.

She does have amazing thighs.

She failed that test.

She fucking bumped into me. Did you not see that?

She has to take a shit.

She hasn't moved there yet.

She lives with her mother now and manages a Lids.

She read my first book when it was just a manuscript.

She was like, "Nina...

She'll be fine.

She's gonna be on Comedy Prime!

She's horny as fuck, right?

She's on Comedy Prime. I gotta watch the show.

She's real cute.

She's really funny, isn't she?

She's red smoking,

She's supposed to do characters.

She's the best, and she was also a **** victim.

She's...

Shelley Duvall from The Shining.

Shit was dope.

Shit!

Shit.

Shit. So goofy.

Shoot up heroin,

Sia.

Since you came out of a vagina.

Slap a guy in the face and laugh.

Slapsies, huh?

So can you book me shows there or what?

So don't fuck it up tonight.

So he drives us to The Bronx, and he's chatty in the car,

So he's married?

So how was work?

So how was your interview with Larry Michaels?

So I don't need to move all the dishes on top of it

So I go with her to the cops.

So I just don't do it.

So I thought, why don't I just go see what Deb's kid does.

So I'm fine.

So I'm gonna sit this one out.

So I'm just gonna...

So it makes sense that my energy would be.

So it's not just you that's auditioning.

So it's scary.

So let's just get drunk, talk it out,

So nice to meet you. Thank so much for this opportunity.

So no one can see them.

So then of course you'll tell me a joke?

So they're gonna give one lucky lady their own one hour special.

So they're good. They're reputable.

So this is a nice house.

So we gotta go to The Bronx.

So what? You just hang out in clubs and pick up comedians? Is that what you do?

So what... What happened?

So what's the deal there? You haven't seen her since you split?

So what's the truth? Like, what's the real you?

So who cares?

So you never saw anybody more than once?

So, actually we don't give free liquor to the comics.

So, did you miss your improv set

So, is this it for you?

So, is this whole, like, cougar thing common for you?

So, it's no pressure, but there really is.

So, please!

So, sobriety chip and a full bar. Wow.

So, this can't be it,

So, this is what you do, I guess, huh?

So, um, you're not working, are you?

So, um... You okay?

So, what was that?

So, what? You're telling me you're one of those people

So, what's that they say? They say the truth will set you free, right? Yeah?

So, yeah, all in all, I think I'm doing pretty well, you know.

Something... like ass?

Sorry, I don't have her right now. Can we try you back?

Sorry. I don't... I don't think it's you. I, uh...

Sorry. I'm Mexican, and we don't do the hand thing.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

Sounded like a dying buffalo.

Stalker territory,

Stay open.

Steel enforced dick.

Stream, ocean, brook!

Stuffed.

Suicide trumps abandonment.

Supportive.

Sure, sure.

Survivor.

Talking about the smell.

Tell me what you're feeling."

Tell the truth.

Tell you what. We can figure it out over dinner.

Thank you for dinner, guys. That was so good.

Thank you for donating your time

Thank you for honoring yourself

Thank you so much for coming to see my follow up **** routine.

Thank you so much for letting me stay here, Nina.

Thank you, Fred.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Thank you. Thanks.

Thank you. Thanks. Thanks.

Thanks a lot, asshole.

Thanks for coming in to see me.

Thanks for coming.

Thanks for listening.

Thanks, Carrie.

Thanks.

Thanks. Hmm.

Thanks. I mean, it sounds good. I hope it's good.

That all sounds very nice.

That always gets what she wants?

That can't be your moves.

That didn't sound right. Okay.

That has to like somebody before you sleep with them?

That have had drinking problems, or drug problems, or...

That I ghosted my wife, 'cause I didn't.

That I'm not special.

That means that you care about him.

That part was real.

That seems a bit perfunctory.

That turns you on?

That viral video...

That way, maybe if I could see it,

That when I leave the sponge at the bottom of the sink,

That works out. That's great.

That you feel.

That you're not thinking about me when you do that.

That you've been putting on the Internet.

That's a beautiful sound. Yeah.

That's a lot of...

That's actually a great idea.

That's bad.

That's beautiful, Nina.

That's great, Nina.

That's great.

That's great. I love being judged on my gender.

That's kind of shitty, right?

That's not cool, right?

That's not the funny part.

That's on you and your dumb, dumb dick.

That's on you.

That's really nice of you. Come on in.

That's so nice. Wow!

That's so retro.

That's very sweet.

That's what he does, okay?

The beginning and the end of a relationship in one night.

The circle of truth.

The day my dad walked out on me.

The fuck out of here.

The hostess is like, "How did you...

The last significant relationship I had,

The last time I liked a guy, I turned out to be really wrong.

The new species. We've been discovered.

The outside looks tense...

The thing fucking Amy doesn't get

The truth, here.

The way that they deserve it.

Then fucking leave.

Then I ghosted her.

Then that's on them.

There is no going back.

There'd be an automatic death penalty for rapists.

There's all these women that came before us.

There's constant crying in the house.

There's gonna be a lot of other comedians who are auditioning, too.

There's snacks upstairs, too.

There's so much anger in you.

There's still something going on between us.

They are, and I think it's because

They don't talk to people often.

They have got to hire you. You are so fanta...

They know it's a sausage fest over there,

They probably hit women.

They were playing stupid truth or dare games.

They will take care of you.

They're also *******.

They're changing things up over at Comedy Prime,

This guy, he's a goofy.

This is Bjork

This is Chelsea Handler talking to a baby.

This is Cher talking to you right now,

This is fucking bullshit.

This is so exciting!

This is the first night, and I get this shit?

This is... This dude is dumb.

This next one is Jabba the Slut.

This one time, I saw my girlfriend

This place is beautiful.

This right here is rage.

Three impersonations. Got it?

Three weeks.

Three.

Three. I'm 33.

Throughout my inner intestines.

Throw you against the wall and...

Tight, yeah.

Till it wasn't.

Time's almost up.

To hold us when we cry.

To leave the sponge outside the sink

To look down from your ivory tower.

To not put it inside of the sink.

To our Topanga Cat Sanctuary.

To tell us we look beautiful even when we're waxing our mustache.

Trapped in an armoire.

Truly, fuck you.

Try again.

Try it.

Turn left.

Turn left.

Turn right.

Two. I'm 42.

Ugh!

Uh, yeah. You're a comic, right?

Uh, your ex.

Uh...

Uh...

Uh...

Um, but the exercise was

Um, I'm trying to be more truthful in my life. So...

Um, I'm trying to get a Jack and ginger.

Um...

Um...

Um...

Unbelievable!

Unbelievable. I'm gonna fuck it up now.

Van Halen one. You were right.

Wait, is that you?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, what's your name again?

Wanna try again? Wanna try again?

Want some?

Was that before or after you were all up in her thighs?

Was there something going on between us

Was there?

We can't do this.

We could have done it like five times by now.

We could have fixed that a long time ago,

We don't like that.

We don't walk. Are you kidding?

We fought, and our drummer died of a drug overdose.

We got drinks right here.

We just do beers.

We kiss.

We need some water.

We ready?

We want our emotionally intelligent man to just like fucking...

We're good together.

We're in a funny place right now.

We're in here.

We're not asking for too much.

We're not driving. We're taking the Uber chopper.

Welcome to the rest of your life.

Welcome, children.

Welcome, Nina."

Welcome.

Well, actually, everything you said was really true.

Well, guess what.

Well, here. I brought you a shirt.

Well, how long ago was that?

Well, I admit, most guys who come up to me after a show

Well, I am tired.

Well, I guess it's nice for you, you were asleep.

Well, I have fucked you twice now, so, yeah.

Well, if you don't mind.

Well, maybe you can keep your fucking husband in line.

Well, the reason why I ask is,

Well, this is going well already.

Well, what do you do?

Well, you know what? I guess was thinking...

Well, you make more than me, so it's only fair.

Well, you're trending now, Nina. It's a great thing.

Well?

What about you?

What am I, a slow loris?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you having?

What are you talking about?

What did their parents do. That type of thing.

What do I like about him?

What do people order here?

What do you mean "hopefully"?

What do you mean?

What do you think?

What do you want?

What happened with that? The band? I mean, that was amazing.

What I wanted to say was what happened.

What if I fuck it up?

What if the truth sends you to jail?

What is it?

What is it? I mean...

What is this, now?

What is... Have I entered another dimension?

What really matters is that the guy lights you on fire.

What the fuck is your problem?

What the fuck, Nina?

What the fuck?

What was what? Did you not...

What were the other girls like?

What would you like?

What, already?

What, am I acting drunk already?

What, am I not ladylike enough for you now? Is that it?

What, like a bake off?

What, what, what? What?

What, you wanna fuck through this?

What, you're just being an asshole?

What, you're just gonna go on stage and act like

What?

What?

What?

What?

What? No!

What? Really?

What? What are you thinking?

What? What now? Cat got your tongue?

What? Yeah, you wanna make sure I don't have a record.

What... What are you doing here?

What... What time is it?

What's going on?

What's gonna matter

What's that smell? Oh, Maria!

Whatever, dude.

Wheatgrass,

When a guy asks for my number,

When are you gonna fuck me?

When I go to the bathroom and I'm done shitting liquid while I check Facebook,

When I think about all the amazing things men could have accomplished,

When I was 12, eyes on my cat, while my father ****d me.

When I was 12, eyes on my cat, while my father ****d me.

When I was riding you for 48 hours?

When I'm with my friends talking shit about him.

When it's over, he'll ghost you.

When people tell me to cheer up.

When shit hits the fan.

When they see you.

When you said you were a contractor.

Where are you right now?

Where is he, Larry?

Where you're staying if there's no hot water.

Where'd you sleep?

Where's the beef?

Where's you, Charlie?

Which is a representation

Which was a really romantic evening.

While his roommate slept.

Who am I? Who are you, man?

Who finger banged me to Jackass,

Who is he, and what happened?

Who just wanted directions.

Who right at the top of the date

Who the fuck is Larry?

Who told you about the toe fucking?

Who, um, I lived next door to since I was a kid.

Who's the boss? Who's the boss?

Who's the boss? Who's the boss? Who's the boss?

Why are you reminiscing?

Why are you so angry?

Why did you get a car?

Why didn't you call me?

Why do I wanna fuck her?

Why do you say that?

Why don't I bring over some wine? What do you prefer?

Why don't you drink that puke?

Why is she doing stand up?

Why will you do that?

Why?

Why?

Will anybody book me? I need to get back on the horse.

Will set you free.

Will you do something? Will you fucking protect me?

Will you go down on me, Joe?

Wish you'd defended me like that.

With Bob Saget and Dave Coulier?

With her AP biology test,

With the sweat of a newborn deer.

With this very powerful voice

Woman the fuck up, Nina.

Woman to woman.

Woman's intuition.

Word gets around fast.

Works out perfectly.

Would you just give me a fucking break

Wow. What a guy. Okay.

Yeah, catch you next time.

Yeah, good. Go.

Yeah, I know you, Amy.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, I know. But I didn't think you'd show now.

Yeah, I know. It's not great party conversation,

Yeah, I know. It's not great party conversation,

Yeah, I know. Negative. Huh!

Yeah, I think I might be really starting to like him.

Yeah, I think we are.

Yeah, I told you about mine.

Yeah, I was impressed.

Yeah, I'm also... I'm gonna leave.

Yeah, I'm just hungover.

Yeah, I'm still on hold.

Yeah, it is. It is liberating.

Yeah, it's all right.

Yeah, it's not beautiful for everybody, Amy.

Yeah, it's really gross. And I don't care.

Yeah, like fucking herpes.

Yeah, Mom. Give 'em a call.

Yeah, no. I can still smell her pussy juice.

Yeah, of course, it's a sexist thing, right?

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, thank you.

Yeah, that's what art is.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Yeah, um...

Yeah, we want our men to be sensitive.

Yeah, yeah, I see.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I get it. Listen, um...

Yeah, yeah. I got it. I'm...

Yeah, yeah. My 12th book is coming out next week.

Yeah, you can have her, you fucking bitch.

Yeah, you do. But, listen.

Yeah, you said that. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Fuck, yeah. Of course, I will.

Yeah. I'm so sorry, honey. I had no idea.

Yeah. I'm, um...

Yeah. Let's eat.

Yeah. Like, my mom was hilarious.

Yeah. Well, I mean, clearly it's bothering you.

Yeah. Well, I mean, sometimes more than others.

Yeah. Yeah, like a car crash.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yes, sir.

Yes, you do. Of course you have to watch.

Yes.

Yes. Ganja.

Yo, what...

Yo.

Yolanda Oliver!

Yolanda, just go.

You are amazing.

You are filthy when I jack off to you.

You are gonna be on Comedy Prime.

You are so sweet.

You at home now, huh?

You can do it.

You can stay as long as you want.

You can't control every reaction.

You can't just start a fight

You dated a Euro trash model half your age whose name is weed.

You did say that.

You do now have HPV. I hope that's cool.

You do that.

You don't be... I'm telling you.

You don't know exactly how people feel.

You don't?

You ever find yourself at your lady's house

You ever, um, find yourself at your guy's house

You fuck guys like you write home about.

You fuck so good, but you don't have that sex addict vibe.

You go.

You got a great ass!

You got it? [chuckles]

You got the audition for Comedy Prime.

You gotta see a gynecologist.

You gotta take some chances.

You guys all look beautiful...

You guys got agents, too?

You guys look good. She looks good. How are you?

You guys, uh,

You have no business reading my shit, you cunt.

You have reached your destination.

You invited me.

You just charm women into your beautiful lair.

You just have to tell him whatever the fuck is bothering you.

You just sound like you want to have control over...

You keep being honest. What the fuck is the matter with you?

You know it.

You know that, right?

You know what, Nina? Why don't you come home?

You know what? Don't tell me.

You know what? Fuck Larry Micheals and his...

You know what? I think you're drunk.

You know what? I'm gonna let you two talk.

You know who's not a ghoster?

You know why I will really never fuck you, Mike?

You know you're still gonna die, right?

You know, do you feel it?

You know, I gotta go.

You know, I gotta shave. I gotta wax and...

You know, I was gonna do... I had a whole bit about, like

You know, I wish I had the confidence of, like,

You know, isn't it great like how all of a sudden

You know, it is really nice here.

You know, it's, um...

You know, just in case you need one

You know, let's take... I'm gonna take you home.

You know, maybe it would have lasted a little longer.

You know, only virgins ask this shit.

You know, they're from New Jersey.

You know, to have feelings.

You know, you create something so that

You know, you have sex with them and they move in the next day.

You know, you're a name now.

You know?

You looking for some food?

You love Nicholas Sparks.

You mean, like a cop?

You must be Nina.

You poor thing.

You probably lived with a bunch of them.

You promise me that you're gonna show up?

You ready to see a cool comic?

You said you didn't have relationships.

You saw something you shouldn't have seen.

You should be on that show.

You should have looked out for me just a little bit.

You should have taken care of me.

You started a fight with her for no reason.

You still don't believe me.

You sure?

You think I'm some kind of idiot?

You touch me again, you fucking midget...

You try being ****d by your own father for eight years.

You wanna hear about all the embarrassing stories.

You wanna talk about it?

You want men fighting over you now?

You wax?

You were in the Marines?

You, uh, seemed a little...

You're a comedian?

You're a very strong performer.

You're about to find the cure of cancer.

You're filthy.

You're gonna come visit me in LA?

You're here.

You're hilarious. I just saw your set.

You're hot.

You're in such distress.

You're into... Is it Prime...

You're jealous already?

You're old. You should know better.

You're the strong, independent woman

You're too quick to say you're over her.

You're very funny, Nina.

You're, uh... You're forward.

You've got her for a little while. Treasure her.

You've got two minutes.

You've made a breakthrough.

6:00.

...got it. You got it?

[audience cheering] Thank you.

[audience cheers] Who's with me?

[audience chuckles] Just like any guy.

[audience groans] What?

[Carrie] Hello. Hey, did you have your baby yet?

[laughs] Slapsies. Yeah, slapsies.

[man] Hey, Nina. Mm hmm.

[mouse squeaking] [screaming]

[Nina laughs] Ah!

[Nina over phone] I met somebody. Okay.

[Nina] Hello? Nina. Oh, my God.

[people cheer] [laughter]

[Rafe] Appreciate that. [waiter] Enjoy.

[Rafe] Uh... Oh, yeah.

[sighs] So, I don't know.

[turns off music] Actually, I'm done entertaining.

[vomiting] Oh, God! Oh, God!

all the time. [laughter]

Amy. I am your mother's best friend and neighbor. Oh, God. Yeah.

Are you serious? Yeah.

as soon as I can. That's...

Bad? Yeah.

Bar fight. Oh.

Bunny? Bunny.

Come everyone. Sit down. [ringing bell]

Did you just say cougar? No, I didn't.

Does it? Yeah, definitely.

Don't make fun of me. No, no, no. I'm not.

Enjoy. Thanks.

Five times? Wow. Wow.

Fuck you. Cool.

Good, Mom. Oh, John.

Hey, I'm Joe. What's up, man?

Hey, Nina. Oh, Pam. Hey.

Hey. Can I help you?

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Hmm? Right. Yeah.

I do? Yeah.

I fucking got it! [yells excitedly]

I get it. Okay, okay.

I got it. What?

I know. It's gonna be lots of hurdles.

I love that. Yeah?

I sense it. But the inside is joyful.

I want it back. I know.

I was really good. I'm sure you were.

I'm a good listener. I'm sure you are.

I'm putting it out there. You know, you sound like you do on stage.

I'm sorry. Don't...

I'm sorry. Oh, God.

I'm special. Ugh!

If you like it. It's fantastic.

Is it alive? [chuckles]

Is it Ganja? [chuckles] No.

It's gone. [speaks indistinctly]

It's not... Oh, hundreds of us?

It's over. It is?

Jesus Christ, Joe. Who is this guy?

just about this? Yes, I do.

Let me kiss you. Shut up.

Let's do this. Okay.

Listen, I... Such finality.

Mmm. No. Yeah.

Moves? Mm hmm.

Nice. They're blonde, but I know they're there.

Nina, I'm ready to come. Good.

No, I'm sorry. Okay.

No! Yeah.

No. Come on. 'Cause we can.

No. Come on. The conflict, you know?

No... What are you...

No... Yes.

Oh, God. Yeah. Um... Awesome.

Oh, hey, Amy. Oh, Debora, look at that.

Oh, I don't know about that. Well...

Oh, I missed you. Missed me?

Oh, I'm so sorry. Watch it, bitch.

Oh, it's perfect. Come on.

Oh, so you're a writer? Yeah.

Okay, please hold. Thank you.

Okay? [woman] Whoo! Yeah.

Okay? Okay, okay.

Okay. It's okay.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Um... What's wrong?

on the second date. Mmm.

Playing games? No.

Really? Yeah.

Relax. Breathe. Okay.

Right. It was over.

See that? Yeah.

Sensitive, right? Yeah.

Shit! What?

Stay. You should fucking leave.

Strong. Ouch.

Thanks. Speaking of...

Thanks. Yeah.

That's sweet. You snore.

they know that we're funny? I know.

This is gonna be your room. Oh, wow.

Tight? Tight.

Truly. Truly, fuck you.

Ugh! I'm sorry.

Well, see that? Mm hmm.

Well... Come on, man.

What? Will you go down on me?

What's up, Ganja? Hi.

What's your last name? Hines.

Where are you? At the bar down the street.

Wow. Hi.

Wow. So...

Yeah, I'm cool. Are you?

Yeah. Because I meant order.

Yeah. I'm Dustin.

Yeah. I'm Rafe.

Yeah. No, I'm so sorry.

Yeah. Whatever. I'm just telling...

Yeah. Yeah, cool.

Yeah. Hi. Oh, I'm here visiting my parents.

You know? Oh, great.

You nervous? A little bit, yeah.

You okay? Yeah.

You wanna stay on the line? Yeah.

You've been drinking too much. I'm not.

...a husband who goes down on me regularly.

...diminished.

...everything.

...frankly drinking,

...intimate.

...tells me you may have shit your pants.

'Cause I can just keep going, you know.

'cause I can't fucking take it anymore.

'cause I was just complimenting you, but, like...

'Cause I'll lose... I'll lose weight.

'Cause I'm about to punch you.

'cause I'm frank and I talk about sex.

'Cause it seems like this is your move.

'Cause my vagina's blown to pieces.

'Cause that's what I would have liked.

'Cause that's what's gonna matter.

'Cause this is great for me. I need this.

'cause, to be honest with you, I've, um...

"Bloodshitza."

"How is everybody doing tonight?"

"Well, if you don't remember nothing,

"Where is Venice Beach?"

[all clamoring]

[all exclaiming]

[Amy] Oh, my gosh. Is that Nina?

[answering machine] This is Rafe. Leave a message.

[applause]

[audience cheering]

[audience cheering]

[audience clapping]

[audience claps]

[audience claps]

[audience laughs]

[blender whirring]

[both chuckle]

[both speaking indistinctly]

[Carrie] Nina, please don't be rude to my assistant.

[cell phone ringing]

[cell phone vibrating]

[cell phone vibrating]

[cell phone vibrating]

[cell phone vibrating]

[cheers and applause]

[child speaking indistinctly]

[chuckles mockingly]

[chuckles] Hi, I'm Rafe.

[chuckles] I'm just playing.

[chuckles] Oh, very funny.

[claps rhythmically]

[clears throat]

[coughing]

[Debora] Amy, bring the wine over after Nina's gone.

[Debora] Oh, my goodness. Honey.

[dishes clatter]

[dishes clattering]

[door opens]

[door slams shut]

[doorbell rings]

[doorbell rings]

[emcee] You guys ready for our next act?

[exhales heavily]

[exhales]

[female comedian] I went on a date recently with this guy

[Fred] Oh.

[gasps] Nina? Nina Geld?

[giggling]

[giggling]

[girl] Congrats. A little clap for you.

[GPS] 0.6 miles.

[groans]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[hyperventilating] Will you call me back?

[imitates Ganja] Do you like my thighs,

[imitating Bjork] ♪ I've been stuck inside Of here for so long ♪

[imitating Bjork] I would like the memory of my first Christmas,

[imitating Shakira] ♪ Goji berries Some bananas ♪

[in fake accent] Nina... Nina, this is Celine Dion.

[instrumental music playing]

[Joe] Ah, fuck!

[Joe] Fuck! Jesus Christ!

[knock on door]

[Lake grunts in frustration] Paula!

[Lake] I love you, Pau.

[Lake] This is gonna be great.

[laughs]

[laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter]

[line ringing]

[man on radio] Blue skies, muted gold...

[man over phone] Hey, Nina. You still there?

[man singing in Spanish]

[man] Here's the thing about living with all women.

[man] Hey, Nina. You're on. Carrie.

[man] Yo! You're Nina, right?

[Mike] Nina Geld. Round of applause for her.

[mumbling indistinctly]

[music continues]

[muttering]

[Nina laughs]

[Nina speaking indistinctly]

[Nina] At least he's hot.

[Nina] Hello.

[Nina] How did you lose your virginity?

[Nina] I hear about these set ups people do for one another.

[Nina] I imagine he's out there.

[Nina] I'm feeling a little bit better.

[Nina] It just feels like people get off on it.

[Nina] It's incredible, the things us women could be getting done

[Nina] Lake.

[Nina] Okay, who are you?

[Nina] Should I drink it?

[Nina] So, house cats. I thought they'd be bigger.

[Nina] Well, I'm quicker.

[Nina] Whoa, Los Angeles. Hi. Hi.

[Nina] Yeah...

[Nina] You figured right.

[panting] It's a mouse.

[Paula] I love you.

[Paula] You're welcome.

[people chatting]

[people clapping]

[phone ringing]

[Rafe] He's a good actor.

[Rafe] I should have called you.

[Rafe] That wasn't even supposed to be there.

[Rafe] Watch how quick I am.

[retching]

[rock music playing]

[scattered laughter]

[scattered laughter]

[scoffs]

[scoffs] I don't have time for your bullshit right now, okay?

[scoffs] No.

[screaming and shuddering]

[screams]

[sighs heavily] Yeah.

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs] Come, Nina.

[sighs] Honey, that's what relationships are all about.

[sighs] Oh, God.

[singing indistinctly]

[slow clap]

[Smoky] Lake, some birds weren't meant to be caged,

[sniffles]

[sobbing] Please!

[sobs] And I've never forgiven myself.

[softly] Oh, fuck.

[somber music playing]

[Spanish song playing]

[speaking indistinctly]

[speaks Spanish]

[stutters] I don't know. I don't like being famous.

[techno music playing]

[text alert chimes]

[typewriter clacking]

[typewriter continues clacking]

[typewriter continues clacking]

[typewriter continues clacking]

[upbeat music playing]

[wailing]

[waiter] And I'll have some wine brought over, on the house.

[whimpering]

[whispers] Please.

[woman] I go to work and I can hear people talking about me.

[woman] Just a quick announcement before I go.

[woman] Nina?

[woman] What's up?

[woman] You've reached the office of Dr. Joan Streisand.

[Yolanda] I'm sure they didn't really notice.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪ Add some M protein Throw in them mangoes Spirulina ♪

♪ And I feel so good

♪ Eddie Vedder From Pearl Jam ♪

♪ Eddie Vedder Sings like this ♪

♪ I love you

♪ I love you

♪ I'm Celine Dion And I love you ♪

♪ I'm so happy all the time I'm Shakira ♪

♪ It's the same voice Basically ♪

♪ Nina, I love you

♪ Or Scott Stapp From Creed ♪

♪ Shakira

♪ Sings like this

♪ Smoothie for Shakira

♪♪