The Tender Bar Edit

A bar on Long Island.

A book. With a book, you'll go years

A doctor at school says I have no identity.

A father son breakfast might be tough.

A little while later, after being arrested while on air

A lot of people don't.

A vote's taken and, um, I can't tell you who voted how or why

A, it's in remission.

Ability as a concept, turned into a mechanical, empirical construct.

About me?

About what?

According to the laws of the sovereign state of New York,

Actually, he owes me this fucking car.

Adam, excellent.

Ah, this guy's got nothing.

Ah, we all make mistakes.

Ah.

Ah.

All I really remember about him is that fucking voice.

All props to the 82nd, but your little fucking airdrop on Grenada is not a war.

All right, all right, all right. Ready?

All right, and I want you to do things that you do with your dad, all right?

All right, answer me this.

All right, fuck this.

All right, give me a hand.

All right, guys, put invitations on my desk.

All right, here you go. Nice grip.

All right, one more.

All right, shut the fuck up.

All right, so she gets agita, whatever that is.

All right, so she gets that and she needs her space

All right, so you're gonna make your own invitations.

All right?

All right? Got that?

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All those assholes are now characters.

Also, the Gatsby thing, you know?

Always take philosophy, okay?

And after college at Harvard or Yale!

And after failing to pay our rent for five months,

And an occasional nervous breakdown.

And bring the kid in here and you're traumatizing him.

And do you know why?

And don't play sports.

And fixed it up for all you little assholes.

And Harry S Truman did not use a dot after his...

And he's doing this he's farting and saying he didn't do it,

And her time and all that, right?

And I say you got it.

And I talk to them about canceling their whole life and getting term,

And I will pick you up at your grandfather's at30.

And I work at a family business.

And I'm gonna always tell you the truth.

And I'm sitting here with somebody who actually is a psychologist

And I'm so down here.

And I'm telling you, JR, I promise you, whether you write at The Times,

And if it's gonna have any structure...

And if they don't, you get the fuck out of there.

And in his case, this was 20 years ago.

And is going to have it out.

And it becomes very obvious very fast.

And just my luck, publishing was headed toward memoir.

And one of the things she always loved to do was ride around

And over all these years,

And said he put a contract on my mother's life.

And she's a secretary.

And so are his friends legally men.

And sometimes that's all there is.

And spend all their money and throw back

And tell her that you've improved your position,

And that is why you

And that semester just flew by for both of us.

And that was it dumped in Connecticut.

And that was it.

And that's why he lives at home.

And the continual questions about it have left him without identity.

And The Exorcist scared the fuck out of me, by the way.

And The Times uses them anyway.

And then I loaned the guy 30 bucks, which...

And they're gonna be opening for The Who for three days

And this is great.

And watch Don't Look Now with Donald Sutherland.

And we're gonna make invitations.

And were descended from the lucky.

And when my byline appears every day.

And when you're 11 years old, you want an Uncle Charlie.

And wonder what life must be like in them.

And write me a ten page paper.

And yet you all end up back here.

And you can enjoy a cocktail with your old man.

And you cast it in this very negative light

And you come from a long line of fuckups.

And you know what might happen?

And you rip his fucking lungs out.

And you sit there looking for errors in baseline perception.

And you still won't have the background Sidney's looking for

And you take care of, if you have one, your woman.

And you'll be mainly blossoming as a barfly.

And you'll be registered to win $500.

And you'll find in life that most of them are not.

And you're gonna read to them from your schoolwork,

And, above all, delusion,

And, uh, how's your mother?

And, uh, I've been here and there...

And... probably not gonna get a whole lot better,

And... you made the list.

Any questions? Yes.

Anything else?

Anyway, long story short, I picked Venice.

Anywhere is the same as prison.

Apricots.

Aquinas.

Are you any good at writing?

Are you in psychotherapy? I should think you would be.

Are you in search for your father?

Are you reading this paper?

Aristotle. I think.

As for you, keep listening to the radio.

As God is my witness,

As if you would always know your father instantly.

As kidnapping comes with responsibilities.

As you know, the editors have had a chance

As you make your way through the text.

At Grandpa's, like everybody.

At Kathy's.

At least that's my experience.

At Madison Square Garden, starting...

Aw, you must be the apple of your mother's eye.

Aw.

Back 'em up on me, too, Charlie.

Be a full house.

Be a good son.

Be good to your mother.

Be nice to her.

Because everything I see is unattainable.

Because he's a selfish old prick who resents taking care of his family.

Because she didn't have a good son.

Because she's dumped you like nine times.

Because she's getting married on Memorial Day.

Because that will take away all the power and the majesty

Before you realize that that doesn't mean anything, either.

Being somebody.

Besides being a lawyer and suing my father.

Bet you write like nuns fuck.

Brothers are partners.

Bucolic. Fulcrum. Inimical.

But above all, it's where Uncle Charlie lived.

But here is this the furniture is held together with duct tape,

But I cannot figure out what the fuck they are saying in Henry V.

But I loved it.

But I never let you win.

But I think Yale mostly took care of her anxieties.

But I wondered if it was like a thing you would always know,

But I'm wondering if this is JR.

But I've only seen him a couple of times.

But in America, have a car.

But in Paradise Lost.

But it is not easy.

But it took place in Venice.

But men get really fucked up.

But that didn't mean some dime store fifth grade shrink could go toe to toe.

But the Mets drink at The Dickens.

But then they blame you for dispensing it once they get it.

But there was something about her, something different,

But Uncle Charlie thought this was a less serious threat,

But we have to be conscious of the trend, right?

But you commit. You make a decision.

But you got to have a drink your drink.

But you have a relationship.

But you're a writer the minute you say you are.

But, um, the end result is

But... big decision, Chief.

Calm down. I didn't say you were good.

Came on the train didn't have a car.

Can I just not come to the breakfast?

Can people read those books?

Can they read...

Can you fucking come to me with this shit, please?

Can't have any kind of fucking rapprochements

Change a tire, jump a car, take care of your mother, don't drink your stashies.

Charles Dickens. You know who that is?

Charlie, back 'em up on me.

Charlie!

Chaz says you're insecure at Yale.

College ain't for everybody.

Come here. Come with me.

Come on, Chaz, back 'em up on me.

Come on, get it by him. Get it by him.

Come on.

Comes into the bar.

Dad owns the firm.

Dad?

Deal with it.

Depending on the economy.

Did you go and...

DJ (over radio): There's your Golden Earring,

Do I remind you of him?

Do not tell her you want her back. Did you say that?

Do puzzles, you don't get Alzheimer's.

Do very well in school.

Do well in school, and you get to see Italy.

Do well in school.

Do you have plans in your head to make something of yourself,

Do you want some water?

Do you want to meet Brian?

Do you?

Doesn't mean he's gonna show up.

Doesn't stand for anything. His name is JR.

Don't accept it.

Don't be like one of these assholes here who acts like

Don't be trying to be a fucking tough guy, all right?

Don't carry your money like a drunk. Oh, and, uh...

Don't come back!

Don't look at me like that.

Don't look for your father to save you.

Don't say I never gave you nothing.

Don't tell anybody I'm a good grandfather.

Don't they know the way the world is today?

Double Scotch, whatever the well is,

Edited and translated by me.

EE Cummings uh, no, uh, periods.

Even if she stabs you with scissors.

Ever since I was a kid, I've just...

Every great writer, every great book.

Every time you walk in the door forever.

Everybody alive is lucky

Everybody needs to know the cesspool isn't taking it.

Falling in love is a blessing. Try to enjoy it.

Fastball is in there for a strike, and it's two and two.

Fasten your fucking seat belt.

Father based?

Fill yourself up.

First movie was The Exorcist.

First thing he did when he got out of the hospital was light a cigarette.

Five.

For being a shitty father, I'll give you the first shot.

For nonpayment of child support,

For the time being, in this class, though I beat against barbarous current,

Four gin martinis, up with a twist.

Fregosi is the hitter facing the right hander Jenkins.

From that moment on, I wanted to be a writer.

Fuck you, Charlie.

Fuck you, you stupid son of a bitch. Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Fuck you! Learn how to fucking drive, you twat.

Fuck you.

Fuck you. First one is mine.

Geez, Mom.

Get one.

Get that before your grandmother does.

Get the fuck out of here.

Get your drink. You get your butts.

Girls become wives and mothers. That was his point of view.

Give me my 30 bucks or get the fuck out of the car.

Give me the fucking phone.

Go and sweep her away?

Go around to the bar. Get me a pack of cigarettes.

Go get a ball.

Go.

Goddamn, you look like you had some kind of a breakthrough.

Good day with the kid?

Good night, JR.

Good night.

Good to see you, young man.

Good. Be out of here in a few days.

Goodness. Evidently, tonight, you guys are backed up on Chief and Joey D.

Got it.

Got your pack of butts, right?

GRANDPA (singing along):

Grandpa needs a pack of Old Golds.

Grandpa resents taking care of his family.

Grandpa.

Great. Thank you.

Handily contained for you in one book,

Handmade invitations for the father and son breakfast.

Have you applied to newspapers?

Have you ever been there?

Haven't got any.

He also threatened to kidnap me,

He has dubiety about his identity, possibly.

He has no identity, which causes rage.

He knows Greek and Latin.

He played Top 40 hits, and he'd talk about the musicians.

He runs a bar.

He said to be ready at 30.

He shows up.

He was always on the radio, in New York.

He was Johnny Ace or Johnny Michaels on the radio.

He was right, of course.

He was self taught.

He's a prodigy, that kid.

He's in North Carolina doing a talk show.

He's just a guy on the radio.

He's just an asshole who happens to be on the radio.

He's not in the radio.

He's not my father.

He's on the radio.

He's the likeliest to be able to leave my house

He's throwing down.

Heard it here first.

Hello?

Hello?

Help me pitch?

Here comes the pitch.

Here it is.

Here we go.

Here you go, kid.

Here you go.

Here.

Here's the thing.

Hey, asshole.

Hey, Bobo, get me a size 13, will you?

Hey, Charlie, back him up on me.

Hey, Charlie. How's it hanging?

Hey, Dad.

Hey, don't be a fucking... You know what?

Hey, get that kid a drink on me.

Hey, I got an announcement.

Hey, I'm glad you made it.

Hey, now, eat your cereal.

Hey, uh...

Hey, your mom tells me you listen to your old man on the radio a lot.

Hey!

Hey! (clears throat)

Hey! The fuck are you guys doing here?

Hey.

Hey. He's looking for you.

Hey. JR.

Hey. Whose kid is that?

Hi, honey.

Hi, sir.

Hi.

His mother's a secretary. She's busy. She's not here, so I came.

Hiya.

Hmm. I never thought about it like that.

Hmm. Okay.

Hmm...

Hold on a sec. Let me get those.

Home never meant the same thing to my mother as it did to me.

How are you supposed to be a student at Yale?

How are you? He wants to know.

How did you get sick?

How do you get to go places?

How how was the party?

How is your Uncle Charlie?

How long were you in Vietnam?

How sure are you about your identity? Hmm?

How would you like to see a ball game with your old man?

How?

How's your mom doing with the cancer?

However, if it is a memoir,

However, the Church is on her last legs.

Huh? What?

I already did.

I also don't want to talk to you about all those.

I also like to read.

I always love to see you on this train.

I am gonna be late!

I am.

I am. I am gonna die.

I can enjoy a cocktail.

I can't explain it, really, why I kept going back.

I cannot offer you a position as a reporter.

I cooked a chicken, got some vegetables.

I could use a little help in here.

I couldn't have picked him out of a crowd.

I didn't do that.

I didn't know what he looked like.

I didn't need Sidney.

I don't even have any shit to get together.

I don't have a father complex.

I don't have a father.

I don't have more.

I don't know what it is, but if you don't have it immediately...

I don't know where Alex is.

I don't know, my feet are getting bigger, apparently.

I don't know.

I don't know. Maybe.

I don't like male jewelry, but I thought,

I don't see much of him.

I don't think I told you over the phone

I don't think you should dwell on it.

I don't want to be a junior.

I don't want to have the same name.

I doubt it.

I fear that sometimes the question is too little asked.

I get to go bowling 'cause I did the Wordy Gurdy.

I go fucking bowling every fucking Wednesday! Fuck you!

I got a great job.

I got into Yale to be a lawyer.

I got to go.

I got you, uh, something.

I guess you think you're a man now, huh?

I had four, but Mrs. Cafferty took a fall

I had to sneak, 'cause after he left us,

I hadn't been to New York City to see his face on billboards and buses.

I have stuff in the Yale paper.

I have yet to see since.

I hope so, 'cause she's sad.

I I I didn't make it, as you know.

I just don't have one.

I just don't want a relationship.

I knew that my first great love probably wouldn't be my last.

I know a lot of guys that think they're writers,

I like it.

I like to read.

I live with him.

I love that.

I love to read everything I could get my hands on.

I love you anyway.

I make an excellent gin martini.

I make the rules.

I mean, I can do Wordy Gurdy all day long,

I mean, I I know you think this is supposed to change everything, but...

I mean, I just failed an English exam, but a house is a dwelling

I mean, I just feel like Sidney's so up here

I mean, I'm good at sports, too, but...

I mean, the set of pipes.

I mean, what can't she go to?

I mean, what do you study at Yale?

I mean...

I mean... no.

I need to go to Sidney's for Christmas.

I never gambled. That was my problem.

I only met him once, and I was pretty young,

I promise.

I quit drinking.

I remember you.

I said shut the fuck up!

I said you can ride the fucking bike.

I said, you know, you could be.

I saw you in the yard playing sports.

I still teach Western literature,

I swear to God, I have no idea how

I think a Yale man should drink gin myself,

I think I should take you to the train.

I think I'm okay.

I think I'm seeing someone else.

I think I've always studied people.

I think she's been paddling both of ours for a very long time.

I think The Times is probably out of my league.

I think you should go back to sleep, wake up in 20 years,

I thought you were gonna be a writer.

I told her not a dime.

I want to back up Bobo.

I want to be a writer.

I want you to succeed.

I was dumb.

I was expecting a kind of Brideshead Revisited thing.

I was gonna hold on to it for a minute, but I'll give it to you now.

I was kind of into the "clean break" idea.

I was ready at30 so as not to fuck up.

I was trying to fucking help you pitch.

I was young.

I wasn't naive.

I will have a job writing a novel.

I will.

I won't get in.

I wonder,

I would really like to meet your Uncle Charlie.

I... I got an interview at Yale.

I... To be honest, I'm not 100% sure we should go memoir.

I'd really like for you to meet my Uncle Charlie.

I'd spend the next two years just focusing on making something of myself.

I'll get a couple tickets. (clears throat)

I'll see you back at the house.

I'll see you downstairs.

I'll see you on the flip side.

I'll take care of you.

I'll take that as a compliment.

I'll tell you when I know you better.

I'll walk you.

I'm a broadcast professional.

I'm a writer.

I'm a... I'm a copyboy.

I'm allowing myself a cocktail from time to time.

I'm at the bar a lot.

I'm calling for you.

I'm curious because you seem very interested

I'm feeling weird.

I'm getting agita.

I'm going to be a writer.

I'm going to Manhattan.

I'm gonna be a novelist.

I'm good at school.

I'm I'm not here. Whoever...

I'm just a poor boy who wants a rich girl.

I'm just here on a lucky break. It's just a lucky break.

I'm letting myself have a cocktail from time to time.

I'm Lucky Sperm Club, and no one's ever noticed that I'm an idiot.

I'm named after my father.

I'm never gonna let you win, ever.

I'm never gonna train you out of it, am I?

I'm not going to law school.

I'm not sick.

I'm not the maid.

I'm seeing someone.

I'm sorry I brought you for Christmas.

I'm sorry. You don't have to be such a dick about it.

I'm still short 30 bucks.

I'm working on my novel.

I'm worried about you.

I'm writing fiction, I think.

I've done some research,

I've heard it from someone else.

If she loved you, she'd take you poor.

If someone abandons you, what does that tell you?

If you also have a car.

If you didn't believe his concrete proof, the Church would cut your nuts off.

If you drink, you keep your shit together.

If you get your heart broken, you'll live.

If you go to Yale but you don't have any balls,

If you have a father complex, it's kind of a red flag.

If you read enough books, maybe, if you're lucky,

If you take a leak, take it outside.

If your shit's not together, you don't drink.

Important thing is you never, ever drink that money, right?

In a house with her parents, who are both kind of nuts.

In fact, fuck Sidney.

In his father and his absence,

In my official capacity, I have to say, is the only thing

In order to hit on his mother?

In retrospect, what you do next is gonna be important.

In the purple.

In the text, it declares you officially a lawyer.

In the Yale class of 1986."

In which everything derives from two epic poems,

Incidentally, where is the old man?

Infield playing in.

Insurance is taken.

Is agita the root of agitation?

Is that good?

Is that Uncle Charlie?

Is the desire to see the face of God the Father.

Is there trauma?

Is this for Sidney?

Is this seat taken?

Is, you know, "Fonda's Hondas."

It is my belief that the uncertainty about the meaning of his name

It makes Mom sad having to keep going to Grandpa's house.

It may be possible to kill me,

It means the people who think they're rich.

It might be malignant, hmm?

It was 1973,

It was about this same period that he called up drunk

It was for Mom, but you got her pregnant.

It was Jesus who came down and made him late for work

It was possible.

It was time.

It's a complicated thing.

It's a hospitality business.

It's a house bike. I took that bike out of the dump

It's a man's car.

It's a puzzle.

It's a signal that you're reaching the end.

It's a Yale ring.

It's all good.

It's also luck. Everybody's lucky.

It's America. Pick something.

It's better than not gambling.

It's Christmas in Connecticut, with a Volvo.

It's either all in or nothing.

It's for you.

It's gonna cost $11,000.

It's hard to know where to begin.

It's hard to tell people about your father, JR, because...

It's in Westhampton. I got a desk.

It's just not romantic or sexual.

It's not correct.

It's not for you to help me pitch.

It's not gonna fucking kill anybody.

It's not his fucking bike anyway.

It's not my place to judge what she's looking for, but...

It's not the worst thing if the man puts the woman on a slight pedestal.

It's our first night at Yale.

It's people. I like to have people.

It's Saturday morning.

It's the foundation of English law. You should know it.

It's time. Wesley has a place.

It's very complicated.

It's Yiddish for "nerves."

It's your bike anyway.

It's your mom.

It's... my life's been hell.

Italy. Jesus, Venice. You ever been to Venice?

Jenkins sets, looks in and delivers.

Jesuitical.

Jesus Christ!

Jesus Christ.

Jesus, fuck.

Jesus. (laughs)

Jesus. How old were you?

Jimmy, Jim.

Jimmy? Jim's good.

JR those are his initials?

JR got a job at The Times.

JR is a writer.

JR, come in.

JR, open it!

JR, say hi to your father.

JR, this girl has abandoned you how many times?

Junior, JR.

Junior.

Just not romantic or sexual.

Kid, I'm just trying to keep you out of the ruling classes. That's all.

Know what I mean?

Know what you also do?

Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a warm welcome

Laid your line of bullshit on the subject to him right to his face.

Leave some for Charlie. Your grandpa already ate. I love you.

Let me show you something, okay?

Let me tell Brian that.

Let me tell you something.

Let's get fucked up.

Let's go back and get graduated.

Let's go.

Life's hard enough without puzzles.

Lighten up on your drinking.

Like Dad?

Like everything is...

Like, uh... "Jane's vehicles"

Limited edition brass belt buckle,

Listen to me. Your mom is gonna be okay.

Locked in a downward spiral since the Carter administration.

Look who it is. Sit down there.

Look, I'm not a genius. It's an obvious question.

Looking at houses like this one

Lose the drawings. Just get rid of 'em.

Lot of people do. (chuckles)

Luck, asshole it's why we're all here.

Lucky bastard.

Ma, I have to ask you something.

Make up for your disappointments?

Mama shellacs 'em and puts 'em up.

Man, you can't shut your daddy up.

Many.

Marches to his own drummer, but that's what I like about him.

Maybe in the future of transportation

Maybe the police can make him go?

Maybe this is a weird time for me to tell you that I'm not a psychologist.

Maybe you can tell me what this is all about.

Maybe you forgot.

Maybe you said that.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Maybe... maybe this is the point where

Mets or Yankees?

Mets play the Braves tomorrow night.

Mine.

Minion. Eclectic.

Mmm.

Mom can use some money.

Mom says he might have lost his mind.

Mom wants me to.

Morning, sport.

Most illogical city I have ever seen in my life.

MRS. I understand you have an absconded father

My brother had a hard on for Julie Christie.

My congratulations on your fine work.

My father was a radio DJ in New York.

My Iliad is just getting better and better as the evening progresses.

My mom and I had to move back home to my grandpa's house.

My old man said, "Pick a city."

My old man's in a radio.

My senior year was gonna be epic.

My sister's.

Nah, it's "Junior."

Nah. No.

Needed to believe there was a God, so he offered the world concrete proof.

Neither am I.

Neither of us know how.

Never keep somebody away from their cigarettes.

Never mind.

Never order a well Scotch.

Never order it neat.

Never under any circumstances hit a woman,

Nice to meet you.

No chemo, no radiation.

No fruit. Okay.

No money, no idea what it is I want to do.

No psychotherapy, no.

No, he's my Uncle Charlie.

No, honey.

No, I mean, can I read them?

No, I think so.

No, it's "Junior."

No, let JR open it.

No, right, but on what subject?

No, so he can help you with your fines about the septic tank.

No, you have so much to offer her.

No, you're not. You're a copyboy.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. Men who want things are.

No. Thank you.

Nobody gives you a diploma.

None.

Not because Homer makes you think you suck.

Not in my Yale essay.

Not in your own worst impulses

Not one bit of it makes any sense.

Not yet.

Nothing in my mom's life came easy.

Nothing is face value, and you're the smartest guy in the room,

Now I can tell her.

Now they're moving to Colorado.

Now, as some of you hopefully may know,

Now, I don't want to talk to you unless you read all those.

Now, I know there are a lot of rug rats running around,

Now, tell me, when was the last time you made a good confession?

Now, what you do is you read all of those.

Of her finding this out for herself.

Of Satan.

Of you and everything else, and that is why you can't write.

Oh, come here and give your old man a hug.

Oh, come on, don't fuck with me.

Oh, for fuck's sake. Give it to me.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, here we go.

Oh, I knew it! I knew it.

Oh, I love scones, sir.

Oh, it's 60 grand.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no, I'm promoted when I become a full fledged reporter

Oh, one more thing very important.

Oh, that's it kid's earned his stripes.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah. We all have our jobs.

Oh, you're backed up on Bobo.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Did he pass on?

Oh. I knew it.

Oh. No, he's not dead.

Oh. No, thank you.