Happiest Season Edit

A chapter has ended, and a new one's begun,

A conversation about the fish at some point.

A romantic relationship, and you've been lying

A teaspoon of coconut oil‐‐ add some nice moisture to those hands.

ABBY and RILEY: ♪ Santa's got boots and a suit of red ♪

Abby is my‐‐ ‐ Orphan.

Abby, what are you doing in the closet?

Abby, you and Harper have a perfect relationship.

ABBY: [ chuckles ] Yeah.

ABBY: [ whispers ] Hey.

ABBY: God, I'm so excited.

ABBY: Hmm? ‐ Good.

ABBY: How'd you sleep?

ABBY: I'm sure that you could review some footage.

ABBY: My parents loved Christmas.

ABBY: No, I'm not tense. I'm great.

ABBY: No, no.

ABBY: No, thank you.

ABBY: Oh. JANE: You don't need to be.

ABBY: Oh. TIPPER: Okay.

ABBY: Okay. ‐ Go on.

ABBY: Should I have some sort of cover story or something?

ABBY: Should we stop them?

ABBY: Um, I‐I was‐‐

ABBY: Um, I'm just moving it right now.

ABBY: Um...

ABBY: Well, let's see.

ABBY: Yeah, uh‐‐ ‐ Are you all right to do that?

ABBY: Yeah.

ABBY: Yeah. Oh, gosh, my phone, too.

Abby! [ clears throat ]

Abby's her girlfriend.

Abby's heterosexual ex‐boyfriend,

After she wouldn't stop biting in preschool.

After the holidays.

After they died, I‐I couldn't really bring myself to acknowledge Christmas.

Ah, good. I can't wait.

All are well. ABBY: What about the fish?

All of this is happening because Harper is‐‐

All right, I think I'm gonna grab a beer. ASHLEY: Shots, shots, shots, shots.

All right, that's enough.

ALL: ♪ Must be Santa, must be Santa ♪

ALL: ♪ Must be Santa, must be Santa ♪

ALL: ♪ Santa's got a long cap on his head ♪

Also, a fact you don't know about me:

Also, I am loving these fish.

And a loss of $12 million?

And after spending her entire night, like,

And again, my apologies for the spectacle.

And another daughter who...

And breaking bad?

And decorated them. ‐ No.

And didn't talk to me for 13 years after I told him.

And do you know why?

And every year, no matter how early I start planning,

And everybody was so awful to me.

And guess what.

And Harper basically just said that I am gay

And Harper can adopt a "don't ask, don't tell" policy

And he's gone. Sorry, what were you saying?

And help him write his speech for Carolyn's dinner tonight.

And I am done keeping secrets.

And I am in love with Abby.

And I am scared that if I tell them who I really am,

And I bought a racehorse online.

And I can't wait to be your mayor.

And I have come to get her back.

And I just don't know, uh, 'cause it's so busy and‐‐

And I know, if I don't tell them, I will lose you.

And I sort of think I made the right decision, but at the same time‐‐

And I still don't have a white elephant gift, on top of it all.

And I stop believing in Santa Claus,

And I thought she loved me and was happy, but I...

And I understand how you feel about Christmas

And I want to just get out of here, but it would cost me

And I will not be left out anymore!

And I won't hurt you like this again.

And I‐I'm sorry, I don't think that's fair.

And I'm done, too.

And I'm sorry for making you think

And I'm telling them everything after the holidays anyways.

And if that doesn't convince you to love Christmas,

And if we cannot manage to post one,

And if we veered off their course, we lost it.

And it doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

And it just didn't feel like the right time,

And it will take time, but all I want for you

And it's just making me wonder who the real Harper is.

And maybe you all don't because I'm not fancy.

And me being gay just didn't...

And my version and everything in between.

And not just this election.

And now Harper's entire family thinks I'm a criminal.

And now they make gift baskets.

And one day, one of Harper's friends found one of the letters,

And our whole Christmas is about impressing this person,

And propose on Christmas morning.

And ready to mingle, so...

And relieved.

And sales have been through the roof ever since.

And serving you on the city council

And she asked Harper wh‐what it was about,

And that I wouldn't leave her alone.

And that is the only way we will keep safe and strong.

And that is the only way we will keep safe and strong.

And the Christmas trees?

And the money doesn't matter.

And the truth is I didn't tell you

And the way I can ensure depravity doesn't seep in

And then now he's trying to get the support of this donor,

And then once you say those words,

And then that'll make it so much easier when I do tell them.

And then within a couple days, like, everybody in school found out,

And then, freshman year, we became more than friends.

And they knew that I stopped believing in Santa Claus,

And they took it really well?

And this is Harper's friend Abby.

And this is Kelly and Ashley.

And trying to make her your property.

And we would, like, leave these little love letters

And what is a better representation of our family

And with this next song, we're gonna need a little help from you.

And yes, we'll have‐‐

And you are going to...

And you don't know what's coming next.

And you have to be ready for that.

And you should feel bad about it and yourself.

And you'll get home okay?

And‐and I want to give you such a great Christmas.

And‐and I wish that I could undo everything,

And‐and now that we have converted the pantry

And‐and your roommate want to get out and hang out,

And, fine, I got carried away, but it's because I love you

And, Jane, I...

And, uh, this is my wife Tipper.

And...

And... [ sniffles ]

Are you having the most terrible time?

Are you okay? ‐ Um...

Are you ready? [ chuckles ] ‐ No.

Are you sure? ‐ Mm.

Are you‐‐ Are you doing anything right now?

Aren't there cameras in malls?

Artificial colors‐‐ Red 40 Lake,

As friends, um, like acquaintances.

ASHLEY: ...of the square.

ASHLEY: Come, come, come, come, come. ABBY: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Hi!

At least you used to be.

Autolyzed yeast extract,

Aw...

Baby, I'm just not a huge Christmas person.

Be good, you two.

Be with me.

Because all of the yellows taste so different.

Because Harper forgot to tell you about it.

Because I do my homework.

Because I thought, if I won,

Because she was afraid

Because we're late now.

Because without my family I'm worthless to you.

Because you lost your parents, and you just don't have‐‐

Because your parents are no longer with us.

Before we get to my parents' house.

Before we leave for dinner.

Behold. [ chuckles ]

Being in love with somebody that is...

Bet you could teach me a thing or two.

Blurry. Boring.

BOTH: Aw.

BOTH: Jane. ‐ Okay, fun. Yeah.

BOTH: Oh! [ camera clicks ]

BOTH: Shut up, Jane!

Boy, Carnegie Mellon, huh?

Brought home her lesbian friend for Christmas?

But Carolyn thinks it would just be better if you weren't at the dinner.

But don't be.

But don't lie.

But don't worry, you'll have total privacy.

But enough about me.

But I don't know. I‐‐

But I don't trust her to do them on her own,

But I have.

But I know how much appearances and reputation matter to you,

But I promise I will tell them everything

But I promise you I will make it up to you.

But I‐I know that it's what she needs right now, so...

But I...

But I'm probably gonna ask her dad for his blessing

But I'm ready for more.

But if it is... [ sighs ]

But if you need anything, you can obviously call me.

But it's for your own safety, clearly.

But maybe we don't even know what perfect is.

But nobody knew that, obviously.

But now that I'm going home with her...

But please...

But since you are here, enjoy.

But that was a long time ago.

But the dog and the fish need to be seen morning and night.

But the one thing that all of those stories have in common

But then I have something meaningful to get out of bed for, so...

But they don't even really like me that much, so...

But they gave it all up to raise their beautiful twins,

But they're my parents,

But we got through it.

But whether you like it or not, I'm a part of this family,

But who's gonna look after all those pets?

But with less arms and more powers.

But, uh, merry Christmas.

But, um, I have to put the finishing touches

By engaging in one of the most archaic institutions

By trapping her in a box of heteronormativity

Bye, babe.

Can we hang out tonight after the dinner?

Can we just talk for a second?

Can we please go?

Cannot be at this place sober.

CAROLYN: Charmed. This is my assistant Levi.

CAROLYN: Harry.

CAROLYN: Now, Harry's tough.

CAROLYN: Oh, I'll have to check out Goop.

Cheap freaking puzzle.

COLLEEN: I'll have one brought over.

COLLEEN: Is this all right?

Come here.

Come on, we're gonna be late.

Come on, you want to hear her sing, right?

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Come with me.

Come with me.

CONNOR: Abby. Yeah. Absolutely.

CONNOR: Hey, you guys.

CONNOR: Hey.

CONNOR: I‐‐ ‐ What? ‐ What are you doing?

CONNOR: It was ground zero for chicken pox.

CONNOR: Merry Christmas. ‐ I don't know.

CONNOR: Oh, hey. Connor. ‐ Hey. ‐ She's an orphan.

CONNOR: One, two, three. Go.

CONNOR: Very quickly. TED: The two of them

CONNOR: Well, that was fun.

Contact stupiditis.

Cool, huh?

Correct? [ horn honking ]

CRYSTAL: Miss, put it down. ED: Ma'am!

CRYSTAL: No, we stopped keeping food in here. ED: No.

CRYSTAL: You're gonna regret it. ‐ No.

Did you guys get yours? ‐ Yes.

Didn't leave the cabin for the whole trip,

Discover that the gemstone that they thought was inside the gork

Do I‐‐ It's‐‐ Do I stick it out for two days?

Do the tree and watch, like, every Christmas movie.

Do you have a boyfriend, Abby?

Do you know these people?

Do you know where I could do that?

Do you need something?

Do you want to switch? ‐ No.

Does that sound about right, or‐‐

Doesn't seep in through the cracks of our community

Don't let her throw you.

Don't you peep at me.

ED: Go ahead. CRYSTAL: I'm gonna make this little birdie

ED: Oh, ma'am! CRYSTAL: Ma'am, we're gonna stop you right there.

ED: You know what? Fine. ‐ No, I'm not doing any‐‐

ED: You're in charge now. CRYSTAL: Yeah.

EM K. ULTRA: ♪ On his head ♪ OTHERS: ♪ On his head ♪

EM K. ULTRA: ♪ Who's got boots and a suit of red? ♪ ‐ I'll help you.

EM K. ULTRA: Here we go.

EM K. ULTRA: Yeah, perfect! MISS L'TEAU: ♪ Who's got a long cap on his head? ♪

Enjoy your family, and enjoy Connor.

Enough!

Eric, can you make them be still?

ERIC: Excuse me, all.

ERIC: No, they'll tire themselves out eventually.

ERIC: Ted. ‐ Eric.

ERIC: We got everything out of the van.

ERIC: What are they doing? ‐ They're racing.

EUGENE: There's not, or there were? Were there?

Even as children, you never behaved this badly.

Even though I know it's not elegant.

Every year at our Christmas Eve party. ‐ Oh.

Everybody's story is different.

Everything that happened yesterday was a complete misunderstanding.

Fed him, fed the cats.

Fit into the plan.

For an annual average of four deaths,

For them to see how amazing and kind and smart you are.

For your father to give voters a peek behind the curtain.

Found you! ‐ [ gasping ]

From the family.

Fuck.

Get in here. ‐ Come on.

Get off me!

Giddyap.

Give me another chance.

Go ahead, kids.

Go tweet, tweet, tweet, becau‐‐ ‐ Go ahead.

Go. ‐ [ both grunt ]

God, I‐I was in such a daze. TIPPER: I'll get all this.

God, it's the best party of the year.

God, sorry, just seeing the three of you standing next to each other

God, that's a lot of work for something that's just gonna turn to shit.

Good to see you. Hi. ‐ [ Abby sighs ]

Good to see you. SLOANE: Hi, Mom.

Gosh, you're so big.

Great party.

GUEST: Merry Christmas. Thank you. SLOANE: Thank you.

Harper is our powerhouse, and, uh, Jane...

Harper isn't out, and her parents don't know we're together.

Harper not coming out to her parents has nothing to do with you.

Harper, do you want to tell them, or should I?

Harper, I need you to bring your A game.

Harper, I read your piece about that senator.

HARPER: [ sighs ] Okay.

HARPER: Abby. Hey.

HARPER: Are you having fun?

HARPER: Connor, you made it.

HARPER: Dad, Abby would never do this.

HARPER: Hey.

HARPER: I don't want to lose you. ABBY: You're not.

HARPER: I hate that you're gonna be alone on Christmas.

HARPER: I know. I just‐‐

HARPER: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

HARPER: Mm‐hmm.

HARPER: Mm! ‐ [ squealing ]

HARPER: Mm.

HARPER: Mom, I thought you were gonna

HARPER: No! You're such a cheater!

HARPER: Oh, I have asked you not to do that.

HARPER: Oh, no, no.

HARPER: Oh, no.

HARPER: Oh.

HARPER: Oh.

HARPER: Oh. ‐ This is Abby.

HARPER: Okay, Mom, stop, please. TIPPER: Mm.

HARPER: Okay. I'm sorry. TIPPER: Oh, I know. I know.

HARPER: Please promise me you won't say anything.

HARPER: Please, Dad, just be‐‐

HARPER: Uh...

HARPER: Um, yeah.

HARPER: Whew. Yeah.

HARPER: Yeah, I think it's just a matter of time.

HARPER: Yes. ‐ Yes, I'm familiar.

HARPER: You keep your mouth shut, psycho!

Harper.

Harper's father and I are always happy to open our doors to those in need.

HARRY: I'm gonna stop you right there.

Has this weird lock, so if you jiggle it,

Have you managed

Have you seen it?

Have‐have a nice day. I'll see you later.

He even hired his nephew Otis to play Santa Claus for many years,

He graduated top of his class at Yale‐‐

He was a‐‐ He was a milk... man.

He's gonna introduce us.

He's got to resign, right?

He's half human, half Quazzle. ‐ Mm‐hmm. Mm‐hmm.

Hello?

Her parents must be proud.

Here, help me out here.

Hey, big night tonight, girls. ‐ That's too much.

Hey, Carolyn.

Hey, come on. Um...

Hey, everyone, please come down!

Hey, girls, come here. TIPPER: I'm good. ERIC: Hi.

Hey, Harper, was there someone else?

Hey, it's Abby.

Hey, it's good to see you.

Hey, Ted.

Hey, um...

Hey.

Hey. Can you watch them for a bit?

Hey. JOHN: Okay, so...

Hi, Abby. ‐ Hi.

Hi. It's been a minute. ‐ Hi.

Honey, I have a list of party errands that Jane has volunteered to run,

How about you?

How are you here?

How bad can it be?

How can you not like the lights and the decorations

How did you get down here?

How long do you guys think‐‐ ‐ Don't‐don't tell them that.

However, it's a task I am not only up for but eager to take on.

I actually just went through a breakup.

I am actually very good with parents.

I am an orphan, but we live together.

I am asking a lot of you.

I am here.

I am more than capable of taking care of a few pets for two days.

I am not a lesbian.

I am something.

I basically have to reimagine the entire party.

I can make myself real small.

I can relate.

I can't believe I'm finally gonna meet everyone.

I can't do that to Abby... [ chuckles ]

I can't do this for you anymore.

I did it.

I did not put that in my bag. There might‐‐

I didn't tell them.

I didn't think you'd be here, but here you are.

I don't care what they think.

I don't know her.

I don't know, a scarf might be good, actually.

I don't know. Just...

I don't know. Uh, what do I do?

I don't want Connor.

I don't want to lose you.

I don't‐‐ I don't think that she...

I expected more from you, especially you, Harper.

I feel like I really put you on the spot last night,

I get it, okay?

I get it.

I get it. Girl talk.

I had no idea he was gonna be here.

I hate flowers.

I have a perfect record.

I have a way with routers.

I have been tracking you.

I have invited Harry Levin and her husband to our Christmas Eve party.

I have loved being your city councilman,

I have to run an errand. Um, Santa promised them

I ju‐‐ It just came to me.

I just don't know why you're keeping tabs on me.

I just feel totally unprepared.

I just needed a bit of a breather.

I just think the choice you're making is dumb

I just think we‐we need a break

I just want to know it's safe.

I just wanted to mention‐‐

I just‐‐ I feel like we just need some space.

I knew my mom would be busy for the next two hours.

I know a lot of places that aren't malls.

I know it's weird, like‐‐

I know that if I tell them now,

I know we're all having a great time tonight,

I know why you're worried.

I know.

I like myself.

I like you. I think you can win, too,

I like your jacket. [ sighs ]

I love champagne.

I love that you love it.

I love you.

I love you. ‐ I love you.

I made it.

I mean, I haven't had a family Christmas in ten years.

I mean, I've lapped you like 12 times today.

I mean, it‐it looks good.

I mean, love in our house wasn't something we just got for free.

I mean, really.

I mean, you are the love of my life.

I mean...

I might have been a little judgmental when we last spoke.

I once took too many Ambien,

I only care about you.

I probably wouldn't have a good time.

I promise.

I saw two of their cousins get in a fistfight

I should have created a safe space for you to share

I still need to get a white elephant gift anyway.

I still regret it.

I swear.

I think I'm gonna go.

I think we could be in business.

I think you just forgot to mention that Connor

I think you made your point. ‐ [ chuckles ]

I think.

I told you, Harper's gonna tell her parents everything

I took all the money I had and went to Paris for a month.

I understand this is very old‐fashioned,

I walked the dog.

I want to do better,

I want to give you a little early Christmas present.

I want to...

I want you.

I was arrested by mall security yesterday,

I was coming to dinner last night?

I was going to, and then Dad told us

I was out there before you came out.

I was terrible.

I was thinking about that trip

I was thinking maybe something everyone might like.

I wasn't who you wanted me to be.

I will lose them.

I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you.

I won't be mad.

I won't be out late.

I‐I can run out and grab one today.

I‐I don't know, he didn't seem like an important part of the story.

I‐I know it's messed up, okay?

I‐I know this isn't about me. I just feel crazy, like‐‐

I‐I see her here, and she's so terrified of what everyone thinks,

I‐I want to be with someone who is ready.

I‐I want to build a life with you.

I‐I'm gonna meet up with her in a bit.

I‐into my bedroom, it's a two‐bedroom.

I‐is the only reason the Internet ever works in this house.

I...

I'd really like to drink some alcohol.

I'll be right back. Oh, enjoy some champagne.

I'll just be a sec.

I'll never bring it up again.

I'll see you later? ABBY: Mm‐hmm.

I'm Abby. We met last night.

I'm all in on Christmas.

I'm calling the police. ‐ [ gasps ]

I'm done.

I'm gay.

I'm gonna google it. Thanks.

I'm gonna miss you.

I'm gonna‐‐ I'm gonna need to give this a think.

I'm Harper Caldwell's friend.

I'm here to rescue you. Please get your things.

I'm just checking on the animals.

I'm just getting them Jane's old Game Boy.

I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding. I would never.

I'm just so content taking care of other people's pets

I'm responsible for the careers of dozens of authors.

I'm so sorry about your painting.

I'm so sorry about your parents.

I'm sorry about this.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys sooner,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sure my mother's hairdresser wants to show me her weird finger again.

I'm telling them after the holidays.

I'm telling you this because I'm not just looking at you.

I've accomplished a lot in my life,

I've got all my daughters under one roof.

I've got the pets to sit.

I've missed you.

If I have you, that's all I need.

If I knew that part of what I was agreeing to

If I remember correctly. CONNOR: No. ‐ Oh, my goodness.

If I wanted to buy the exact same one for myself,

If my friend ditched me at a party where I didn't know anyone,

If the NSA can do it, so can I.

In a country club that didn't let women have

In the history of the human race?

In town?

In‐in each other's lockers.

Inside of handmade reclaimed wood vessels.

Into this campaign.

Is an essential element of every candidate's feed,

Is by making sure there are no cracks.

Is by making sure there are no cracks.

Is everything okay? ABBY: Yeah.

Is right up there with my most rewarding life experiences.

Is that all right?

Is that moment right before you say those words,

Is that okay?

Is there more? RILEY: Mm‐hmm.

Is to find the same joy and happiness

Is tricking the woman you claim to love

Isn't this the best time of year?

It brings out the worst in everything.

It doesn't mean she never will be,

It is Glank who takes the first step."

It is something that we competed for,

It just‐‐

It was great seeing you. ‐ [ grunts ]

It was really beautiful.

It was something.

It will lock, but you have to make sure that you do that.

It, like, really hurts.

It's a‐‐ Ready? Cheers. ASHLEY and KELLY: Cheers.

It's about building a life with her.

It's about our whole family.

It's been like ten years.

It's been to watch the person that I love choose to hide me?

It's big. ‐ [ laughter ]

It's brilliant.

It's five days.

It's for my‐‐

It's kind of fun having a secret.

It's lovely seeing you.

It's not good timing?

It's over.

It's‐‐ Harper texted me.

It's‐it's not that long.

It's, um...

Jacking a roost?

Jane, I know you‐you just wanted to be included.

Jane, too much. Too much. JANE: You're always safe with‐‐

JANE: "Once they cross Corvall Chasm,

JANE: And then in the third chapter, the Shadow Dreamers

JANE: Aw.

JANE: Bye. ‐ Hi.

JANE: Daddy. ‐ Uh‐huh. Uh‐huh. ‐ Got it.

JANE: Guys, you keep ripping it more!

JANE: Hi, Eric. Hi. ERIC: Hi, Jane.

JANE: Hi. ‐ We'll meet you there?

JANE: Hi. Merry Christmas. Hi. CONNOR: Hey, guys. Merry Christmas.

JANE: Huh. I wonder what this one is.

JANE: I do think it's getting bigger.

JANE: Milady. ABBY: Thank you.

JANE: No!

JANE: Oh, my God. They all look so nice.

JANE: Oh. Yay! HARPER: Oh.

JANE: Okay. Well...

JANE: Ready?

JANE: So, the Shadow Dreamers

JANE: Thank you so much. It looks so good.

JANE: This is all for me.

Jesus, Abby, where do you think it goes?

JOHN: [ whispers ] Abby.

JOHN: Abby?

JOHN: Because of the blatant Thorfian rights violations.

JOHN: Did you know that you're standing

JOHN: Hmm.

JOHN: Oh, they're all good.

JOHN: Okay, listen to these ingredients:

JOHN: Thank you so much.

JOHN: The hell did it go?

JOHN: Uh...

JOHN: You know what, I think I should google it.

Just be you. ‐ Okay.

Just because Harper isn't ready,

Just got too hard and‐‐

Just rip it.

Just smile.

Just, uh, enjoy yourself. ‐ Great.

KELLY: Harper?

KELLY: Oh, lovely to meet you. ‐ Yes.

Kicked me out of the house

KIDS: ♪ Mother and child... ♪

KIDS: Bye, Daddy.

KIDS: Thank you, Mommy.

Kind of always felt like there was something...

Kind of felt like there was something you weren't telling me.

Last election, I almost backed Dave Grady.

Let myself hurt Riley...

Let's go play.

Let's just avoid any further incidents, yes?

Let's look at it.

Like a thousand dollars to get a ride, and‐‐

Like, about anything.

Like, hang out again, if you got time.

Like, since we‐‐

Like, um...

Look at me. Come here. Look at me. It's okay.

Look, I'm gonna talk to my mom, and I'm gonna make sure that

Look, it's gonna be so boring anyways.

Look...

Looks like it's just us ladies.

Loves me as much as I thought she did.

MAGNUS: Playing hide‐and‐seek like Abby and Aunt Harper.

MAGNUS: We love that game.

MAGNUS: We're sorry.

Maltodextrin,

MAN: [ on TV ] Um, for the chicken breast,

MAN: Thank you.

MATILDA: But that's our room.

MATILDA: Why does she get to sleep in there?

May I? ‐ Yeah, of course. Thanks.

Maybe another one of your exes will bring out dessert.

Maybe I wouldn't have. ‐ [ sighs ] God, Abby.

Me, too.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Minus the bad cafeteria food.

MISS L'TEAU: Everybody! ‐ Whoa.

MISS L'TEAU: Yeah. Yeah, we want to hear her sing. ‐ [ cheering ]

Mm, mm, mm, mm. [ clears throat ]

Mm, mm. ‐ This is great content.

Mm.

Mm. ‐ You okay?

Morning.

My dad...

My daughter Harper, who writes for the‐‐

My daughter just arrived.

My dear, dear friend, Councilman Ted Caldwell.

My friends want to go out, and‐and we can go with them

My parents were professors there,

Nice of you two to join us. Where are the twins?

Nice to meet you, too. CONNOR: Hey, you guys.

No judgment.

No one's supposed to know yet.

No problem.

No, I mean, I‐I told you that the long distance

No, I'm‐I'm just tired.

No, no, no, no, I‐‐ [ sighs ]

No, she's just helping your dad.

No, this is perfect. ‐ Okay.

No, this is so fun.

No. They also think that I'm...

Nobody would disagree that fish belong in the ocean.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Nope. Shut up, shut up. Oh, no.

Not me. I like the morning.

Nothing like this happens for the rest of the trip, okay?

Nothing.

Nothing. [ inhales deeply ]

Now is just very bad timing,

Now, I don't know about you, but I am single

Now, I don't know if Sloane's revelation last night was true,

Now, this house was originally owned by Herbert Flackshaw,

Of course, I wish my daughters had bothered

Oh, but that's kind of like your law degree.

Oh, I can't tell you, because it's for the white elephant party.

Oh, I'm so glad you made it.

Oh, mwah. Oh. ‐ Carolyn, you are a vision.

Oh, that is Harper's old high school boyfriend Connor!

Oh, uh, Carolyn, I'll call you later.

Oh, um, this is my roommate Abby.

Oh, where should I put this white elephant gift?

Oh! ‐ [ screams ]

Oh.

Okay, come on, you two.

Okay, come on. Let's get you two to bed.

Okay, I nailed that, and she is fabulous.

Okay, none of these will do.

Okay, so I just want to preface this by saying that

Okay, when you finish, um,

Okay?

Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. [ shivers ]

On family, tradition and faith,

On my Christmas gifts.

On track to make partner at her firm before she left to start a family.

Ooh, you guys got to look at this house.

Or is it just him? HARPER: Okay.

Or we can not go with them, but...

Our entire life, we have been expected to be

Over a quesadilla maker at this party once.

Paltrow. Goop picked us up,

Pathetic.

PATRONS: ♪ Santa's got a beard that's long... ♪

People will start arriving any minute.

Perfect.

Pervert. ‐ [ laughing ]

Please be quiet.

Please order me several drinks.

Please, let me say this.

Please.

Put the bag on the floor and slide it to me.

Ready to go?