The Shakiest Gun in the West Edit

A big...

A coyote.

A dress shop?

A dress shop? Hold it, Penny!

A husband? Mm hmm.

A nickel?

A real dentist.

A seven shooter?

A tooth saved is a silver dollar in the bank of health.

Aaah! Scare ya?

Abacus cadabacus!

Abel Swanson will sell you anything you want.

Able to understand the machinations of the Oriental calculating abacus.

Add that up, will you, Wong?

Adjustments are free up to 60 days. After that, it's a dollar a visit.

After 30 years of rustling cattle and holding up banks, I'm packing it in.

After all, this is the final examination for these dental students.

Ah wan no.

Ah wan no.

Ah, a professional man! What a pleasure to do business with a man of science!

Ah, si, si.! Senora dentista. Aqui.

Ah. Ah. Watay?

Air!

All right now! Hold it! Hold it!

All right, everybody out of that stage. Come on!

All right, everybody. Stand back. Give this man air.

All right, make way for the mother of a dentist.

All right, Mr. Kid.

All right.

All right.

All right. Come on, men. Let's go.

All right. I'll give you $ 1,000.

All right. I'll give you $850.

All right. It's true.

All righty, Miss Stevenson. Now, first things first.

All the years we've been together, I never heard you mention that once.

All you need is somethin' wearin' pants goin' that way.

Always room for an emerg...

And Arnold the Kid from the window.

And besides, m my main mission in life right now i i is to go west.

And Celia's Leonard was going to give you...

And for your all being so nice and everything.

And fulfill my lifelong ambition.

And he sure ain't no Mormon.

And I came out here all the way from Philadelphia

And I intend to go further west!

And I'll pay nothin' but a fair price.

And I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

And I'm leaving on the next wagon train out!

And I'm too thin.

And in two months, California!

And one in the pants.

And one in the pants.

And one in the pants.

And parents.

And she used me.

And she... she tricked me.

And suddenly, out of the blue sky,

And that'll be cash, of course.

And then a plan began a formulatin' in my mind.

And to apologize for, uh...

And to make it even, it'll be just you against me and the good Reverend here.

And we'll just take care of it.

And you can tell him that just because I'm from out of town,

And you up there, throw down that strongbox!

And you, Jesse, are hereby man and wife.

And you've always kept your word, Ma.

And, well, when I see something like that,

And... west.

Any notion as to how the rifles are getting to the Indians?

Anytime you're ready, Heywood.

Appears to me like he could be of some help.

Are we going to open up that mouth?

Are you all right? Uh huh. Yeah. Fine.

Are you beddy bye?

Are you changing?

Are you coming back?

Are you kiddin'?

Aren't you going to ask me to come in?

Arnold the Kid.

Arnold, kill Heywood, I'll give you $600.

As I said, it was all part of the plan.

As we, uh, stand on the threshold...

At least we can ride together as far as Hole in the Wall.

Atta way, Doc. Boy, you sure are something.

Attaboy, Reverend! Now, just hold it!

Attaboy! All the way down!

Attagirl.

Aw, Ma! Now don't "aw" me.

Aww, a "purty" little thing like that and a derby dude,

Aww.

Awww.

Bang. ( Gunshot]

Be careful.

Be sure he gets on it.

Beats me.

Because the West is a place where few, if any, dentists have trod.

Better hear me out. This paper's a full pardon.

Bloated thin failure! That's me!

Blue ducks.

Brush your dentist twice a day. Visit your toothbrush once a year.

But all the plans, all the nice surprises.

But I ain't seen you all day. Doc Heywood! The sheriff wants you!

But I don't get it. One minute you're a bank robber,

But I don't like to be called a tender ninny.

But I have a terrible toothache.

But I wouldn't want you to come with me.

But our marriage is getting pretty shaky.

But rules are rules and I gotta stick to 'em.

But the government said they'd clean up my record if I did this job for them.

But watch him. He's real slick.

But we have a toothache, haven't we?

But you said... I mean, I thought that we...

But you're my wife.

But, Doctor, you've always been such a delicate little boy.

But, Jesse, dear, it stands to reason... Uh, Ma, Ma, Ma!

But, uh, I'd like very much to see you socially sometime.

But, uh, well, I'm just gonna tell you straight out.

Butt out! I'm family!

By the authority invested in me by the Church,

Call me "Doctor."

Chance to get away! You wanna let me tell this, fella?

Come on now! Come on now! Wh Where ar... are you?

Come on, Doc. Drink up.!

Come on, Doc. Speak up.

Come on, let's go.!

Come on, Lyle! Ernie, come on!

Come on, you little dickins! I'll find you!

Come on!

Come on. I wanna close up.

Come on. Out.

Come... Come on! Wait a minute! Wait...

Complete closure of the oral cavity, eh?

Could you tell me where I could buy a wagon and a good team of horses?

Darn women. So excitable.

Darn you, Lyle! Dr. Heywood!

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here...

Dentist, you're crazy! Are you all right?

Devils! Hold it.

Did you hear about it? I heard.

Did you know I had to take my own cousin to the graduation dance?

Did you want me for something?

Didn't mean to scare Indian fighter.

Do you know what I think?

Do you know what I think?

Doc Heywood's with 'em. He sure is.

Doc the Heywood, the well known Indian fighter,

Doc the Heywood.

Doctor, we have an emergency in the lobby.

Don't get caught, Pop. Remember your dress shop.

Don't know nothing about the federal government.

Don't look back, Ma.

Don't mean that I ain't artistic.

Don't you get it, Zack? She's got the sweets on me.

Don't you understand? If the Indians get those rifles, they'll wipe out this town.

Done and done.

Double dare, knock off the chip!

Dr. And Mrs. Jesse W. Heywood.

Dr. And Mrs. Jesse W. Heywood. Philadelphia.

Dr. And Mrs. Jesse W. Heywood. Philadelphia.

Dr. Friedlander?

Dr. Heywood! Wake up! Wake up!

Dr. Jesse W. Heywood, dentist, Philadelphia.

Dr. Jesse W. Heywood. Room three.

During the music? Yes!

Emergency.

Escape marriage all these years?

Everything going okay, Heywood?

Everything's just moving too fast.

Except for these bindings. They're killing my hands.

Excuse me, bunky. Is this about it?

Excuse me, sir.

Excuse me. Excuse me, fellas. Excuse me.

Excuse me. I'll let it go for a hundred dollars.

Expecting someone a bit more horsey?

Expensive? Too expensive for a vehicle worthy of transporting...

Extraordinary mind. You, sir, are amazing.

Faculty, students...

Failure, failure, failure, failure.

Failure, failure, failure.

Fifty cents a foot! Wholesale!

Fine. Speed it up. The wagon train leaves in an hour.

Fine. Uh huh. Fine.

First you came to me with a toothache; we got married;

First, I must warn you, I'm not taking on any new clients.

Fix this crate. What are you trying to do, get us thrown in jail?

For $3.00 a month.

Forget my husband.

Fort Tyler?

Forty seven dollars? The stove was $7.50.

Four rolls of wallpaper.

Fred, got a passenger for ya on the through stage.

Gant and Basch?

Get in the wagon.

Get me out of here!

Get out of my way.

Get ready. They're comin'!

Get the women and the kids back into the church. Get back in the church!

Gettin' ready to head west.

Go ahead!

Go ahead. Laugh!

Go to Boston and open up a little dress shop.

Goin' out west, partner?

Golly Ned, Mother!

Good bye, dear.

Good day, sir. Abel Swanson, proprietor, at your service.

Good for you, Ma.

Good night, Doc.

Good!

Good. We'll leave day after tomorrow at sunup.

Gosh, honey, I didn't realize you missed me so much.

Government business? What kind of government business?

Gracias, senor.

Gracias.

Gracias. It was a pleasure doing business with you, sir. Chop chop!

Gratitude! Gratitude! Some nice gratitude!

Great work, Doc. You showed them.

Guard duty, Dr. Heywood.

Gunfighter.

Hands have always run in my family.

Handsome...

Have a little supper...

Have you ever been in the Orient, sir? Huh?

Have you ever been in the Orient?

He has instructed those who have entered into this relationship, etc.

He sure looks like a dentist to me.

He was a spottin' their signs!

He was blowing his nose in the middle of the street.

He was run over by a beer wagon!

He'll cheat you if he gets a chance.

He's crazy about me.

He's just some Philadelphia jay I got tied up with to get me out here.

He's no minister. And he's no minion.

He's probably got a badly impacted wisdom tooth.

Heck no! You kiddin'?

Heck, you're always better off with a specialist, anyway.

Hello, Dentist.

Hello!

Help! Help!

Help! Ohhh!

Here, Ma.

Here, read this.

Here, you may need it.

Here, you want me to give you a hand with this?

Here. We're gonna need this when we make our break.

Hey, I think you might have something with that Minister Gant.

Hey, maybe you and your husband could scout around the church.

Hey, this is pretty excitin'.

Hey, you sure handled that nice last night, Doc.

Hey! Great! Attaboy!

Heywood, I'm even gonna let you draw first.

Heywood!

Hmm? Yeah. I'm awake. I'm awake.

Hmm.

Hmm. Emergency.

Hold it like that now.

Hold it, driver.!

Hold it, Penny. Count me out. What?

Hold it, please. Just a minute.

Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Why, you...

Hold it! What's the matter?

Hold your voice down!

Hold your voice down. Of course.

Hoot owl.

Hot digs! Come to 2,200 apiece.

How am I gonna get out west if I don't have any horses?

How come you sold me that wagon and all that stuff?

How did a wonderful professional man like you...

How did that happen?

How many did we give out?

How much is it? Built of the finest oak.

How much? One hundred and fifty dollars.

How strange fate is!

How would you know?

How you gonna do it?

How're you doing, Heywood? Fine. Fine.

How's it going, Heywood? Fine. Fine.

Huh, I didn't know it myself!

Huh?

Huh?

Huh? Oh... Oh, sure! Yeah! Come in, come in.

Hurry it up! He don't answer.

Hyah!

Hyah!

I am Bad Penny Cushings.

I can't believe this! I just can't...

I can't get married without telling my mother.

I can't tell you any more.

I can't... I can't get loose.

I come to relieve you, Doc. I reckon you got some chores you want to fulfill, huh?

I couldn't sleep, so I decided to take a walk.

I declare that you, Penelope, and, uh, you, uh...

I don't feel at all that this is actually... I mean, the whole... the thing...

I don't know about grabbin' women! I ain't married!

I don't know what you're talking about, lady.

I don't know, Penny. Everything's just moving too fast.

I don't know.

I don't know. Something just come over me.

I don't think you're too thin.

I ever had this much money at one time in my whole life.

I expect to be leaving town shortly.

I figure the best time to get out is after they all get a little drunker.

I figured I'd lay back a ways and draw 'em off the main body.

I get that from my mother.

I got on a romance track.

I got two stagecoaches lined up next week. A hundred miles apart.

I gotta get back on that dentist's track.

I gotta have water. L...

I guess we don't need this anymore.

I have always been...

I have the same trouble every place I go.

I have to tell you.

I hear he's pretty good with a six gun.

I hear that Arnold the Kid's in town.

I heard two shots.

I just can't believe it.

I just hate this kind of stuff! Grab her, Floyd!

I just love a man that can't make his...

I just love this kind of stuff. Oh, come on!

I just sort of go all fuzzy.

I just wanted to express my deepest sympathy...

I killed twelve Indians and two horses in one fight.

I knew it! That whole dentist outfit was a dodge.

I know this is no time to bring this up, but how much is it?

I mean, I feel bad about that. Makes me feel terrible.

I mean, none of those...

I mean, teeth are fallin' out right and left out there.

I mean, you just don't fix a tooth one minute and get married the next.

I meet you.

I probably should have made an appointment.

I promised myself I wouldn't cry.

I realize how busy you must be.

I realize that this is hardly the time or place to bring this up,

I said I think the best thing to do is to go to bed.

I said, "Celia, I'm not going to cry at the station."

I shot the Indians from inside the wagon.

I shot two at the can,

I should've known better.

I suppose so.

I think I might faint.

I think you're very nice.

I think you're wonderful.

I thought you wanted to get rid of that jay.

I threw up on her dress.

I told you to do that before we left!

I want to get a rig and a couple of good strong horses.

I was in the same boat as you 35 years ago.

I was watchin' the whole thing. Now, let's see. There was, uh,

I wasted all my shots like a darned dumbbell! Don't you remember?

I will, Ma.

I wonder what she's up to.

I wonder. What?

I, too, am alone and going west.

I'd at least like you to meet my mother.

I'd like to see Mr. Swanson about gettin' a good rig and a team.

I'll bet you think I'm crying right now.

I'll bet. I cried like a baby.

I'll explain it later. Right now I'm on government business.

I'll explain one of these days, but not right now.

I'll get a professional.

I'll get, uh... get something else here.

I'll head north and try to draw 'em off. Good luck, honey.

I'll help you here. I'll get that... There. Open that...

I'll just change in the closet.

I'll just, uh...

I'll make my play. I'll make my play.

I'll meet you here in half an hour.

I'll never forget my wedding night as long as I live.

I'll tell you what. Could you just, uh... open your mouth?

I'll, uh, tie it over here.

I'm a dentist!

I'm a roofer. Been a roofer all my life.

I'm afraid not, dentist. You couldn't hit a bleeding elephant in the snow.

I'm afraid not. But...

I'm back.

I'm crazy about you. Isn't that enough?

I'm gonna spread dental health through the West like a plague!

I'm gonna tell you something. I'm in teeth!

I'm her best friend.

I'm not a failure.

I'm so glad you're back.

I'm sorry to bother you like this,

I'm sorry to have to tell you that, dentist.

I'm sorry.

I've been looking all over town for you.

I've got to get to Fort Tyler to get the military.

If he were mine, I'd know what to do. Put him across my knee.

If I found out who's smuggling rifles to the Indians.

If that skinny little Philadelphia jasper could be a federal agent.

If you don't believe me, ask Celia.

If you don't get that mouth open and get that tooth fixed,

If you don't open your mouth, then I can't see anything.

In a few hours, we'll stop...

In one week, I'll be in St. Louis.

In two days, I'll be in Ohio.

Indians! Indians!

Ippity doo, kanaba dip,

Is a fake.

Is it a real pardon?

Is it in your mouth? Oh, yeah.

Is that right?

Is that you?

Is the only one of its kind west of the Mississippi.

Isn't that Laughing Deer's daughter?

It doesn't pay to drink too fast when you're thirsty.

It scares me this much.

It was all part of the plan!

It was your father's sinuses that killed him.

It would be, wouldn't it?

It's a pleasure to do business with a discerning man.

It's a trick! I just love this kind of stuff!

It's all bloat.

It's been exactly a half hour.

It's Gant and Basch!

It's got the governor's signature on it.

It's her. She's the agent. Let's get her.

It's important that you cooperate.

It's our wedding night.

It's really none of your business. Now, let's get out of here.

It's really very attractive.

It's true! It is absolutely true!

Jesse, Jesse, Jesse!

Jesse! You're alive!

Jesse.

Jesse. Jesse.

Just 'cause I'm rough and dirty and don't wear underwear,

Just a minute, son. Penny, look... He says it's important!

Just a second. Hold 'er up.

Just as long as I'm standing here, right here, right now. It's the truth.

Just think, Ma.

Just... wa...

Keep your eye on the road.

L I almost forgot. Well, what about the horses?

L I don't even know you.

Laugh all you like.

Leonard, get that picture developed as soon as you can.

Let me go! Jesse's out there. ( Gunshots]

Let's go, Reverend!

Let's go.

Let's go.

Like what? Like stealing rifles from a nice church?

Lizard roll.

Look at those clothes. He's a gunny for sure.

Look, you might as well know.

Looks like we're going dancing.

Love your hat!

Lovers' quarrel, that's all. All right, back to bed.

Ma, what's that?

Ma, you got something for the porter? Got a nickel?

Ma'am? Wa... Wait just...

Madam, madam, please be patient.

Make camp...

Make your play!

Man!

Mark in life.

Marshal Bates here wants to talk to you.

Me too!

Miss Cushings, I've got a proposition for you.

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm. Yeah. Thanks. Good luck.

Mmm mm. Mmm.

Mmm!

Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom.

Mr. And Mrs. Hiram Remington. Atlanta.

Mr. Huggins? That's right.

Mr. Swanson?

Much obliged.

My mother will just never forgive me for this.

My profile?

My wife got him from a window.

My wife.

Naka washa.

Nice couple.

Nice going.

Nice posse size. Let's get outta here.

No need to poke fun at my only weak point.

No single women. Company rules.

No women alone on the wagon train.

No, I never have.

No, it's no trick. Now listen to me carefully.

No, no, you see, if, uh...

No. I'm gonna take this here money...

No. No more.

No. Not now. Let's wait till Doc Heywood ain't here.

No. The Deer girl married White Antelope.

Nobody ever loved me.

Nobody? Nobody.

Nope. There could even be some on the wagon train we're taking.

North, south, east...

Not interested!

Now I realize that that may have come about as a result of your grief.

Now listen, I think 150 will be okay. Sold!

Now remember that! Come on, fix it!

Now simmer down! You just simmer down, Penny.

Now that seems kind of expensive to me!

Now then, the witnesses there, Mrs. Longbaugh and Slosh White, are 25 cents each,

Now wa... We're strangers. You know that, don't you?

Now wait a minute! Hold it!

Now we're just gonna take a little look see at your general dental condition.

Now what do you think about that?

Now you've gone just a little bit too far.

Now, can I count on you to keep this quiet? Of course!

Now, everything you need is right over here.

Now, how do you like those bananas?

Now, I don't want you to think that I'm not grateful for the drinks,

Now, I want to know what's going on.

Now, let's put you into a wagon. Right this way.

Now, let's see. A stove, $7.50; skillet, $4.20; flour, $8.50; $9.75 for an axe.

Now, look. I don't know if you realize it,

Now, Miss Stevenson,

Now, open your mouth, dear.

Now, stay in your chair and try to relax.

Now, uh, what do you think about that?

Now, wait a minute, Reverend. I ain't gonna tangle with him.

Now, wait a minute! J Just wait a minute!

Now, what's this all about?

Now, who killed 'em?

Of stepping out into new horizons:

Oh, boy!

Oh, come on, now.

Oh, do you know something? Hmm?

Oh, excuse me, is this car 24?

Oh, golly, heck! There's always...

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just so darned excited.

Oh, Jesse!

Oh, Jesse!

Oh, Ma, that's an old wives' tale.

Oh, say. Can I have that? I'd kind of like to keep it for a souvenir.

Oh, uh, thank you, dear lady.

Oh, uh... I like to keep my hand in.

Oh, uh... uh, ma'am?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah. Thank you. Well, I'll just, uh...

Oh, your hands! Oh, they're lovely!

Oh!

Oh! Oh, uh...

Oh! Oh! Help! Aaah!

Oh! Well, I, uh... There!

Oh? Strictly federal business.

Oh.

Oh. Excuse me.

Oh. Howdy.

Oh. Well.

Oh. Yeah.

Ohhh.

Ohhh.

Okay.

Okay. All right. Now, all right.

Okay. I'm gonna tell you something right now.

Once owned by one of the great pioneers of our west,

Once there, we get in touch with Will Banks.

One at the skillet...

One at the skillet...

One of the great scientific minds of our day?

One, maybe two months.

Oooh! Aah!

Oooh! Aah!

Op... Open wide.

Open that rotten little mouth!

Open up, boys. Everything's under control.

Open up. Come on, come on.

Pass the word to clear the street.

Payable immediately following the ceremony.

Penelope Cushings. Won't you come in?

Penelope?

Penelope?

Penny, hmm. Penny, she's really somethin', you know that?

Penny!

Penny!

Penny! ( Floorboard Creaks]

Penny! ( Penny] Shut up.!

Penny! Keep it quiet!

Penny! Pen...

Penny! Penny!

Penny! What are you doing?

Phony gunfighter.

Put it on, Heywood.

Put me down!

Relax. Up we go.

Remington! Tyler! Some of you men, let's go!

Rest stop! Rest stop!

Reverend Zachary Gant and my loyal minion, Matthew Basch!

Reverend. Minion.

Rider coming in!

Right.

Rotten Buffalo's cousin? Ohhh!

Run over those figures for him again, Wong.

Sam Huggins would be talking to you now, but they shot him.

Sat tey wahn ney.!

Sat tey wahn ney.!

Say, Doc, now we hear tell that you fell far behind the main wagon train.

Say, Doc, tell us just how you killed all them Indians.

Say, Doc. How 'bout us havin' a real gunfight, huh?

See what's in them boxes.

See, actually I'm a dentist. See, I'm not a doctor.

See, I'd been spotting their signs for quite a while.

See, there's one thing you gotta keep in mind about Indians.

See? That's the way that works.

She made me think...

She won't open her mouth.

Shhh!

Shots came from across the street. This fellow staggered in.

Simple. I'll have you pick a fight with him. Gun him down in the street.

Single handed to fight oral ignorance!

Sir, this wagon befits you.

Skilled in the arts of mathematics, physics, chemistry.

So I am going to trod there.

Somebody's been smuggling guns to some renegade Comanche Indians.

Sort of get the lay of the land.

Sort of.

Sounds like maybe 10 or 15 horses.

Speaking of west, that is the direc...

Speed it up, Reverend.

Strictly federal business?

Strictly.

Sure am, partner.

Sure, Doc. Help yourself.

Sure. Well, you just sit right down there,

Take cover and start using that six gun!

Take my friend Black Eagle and fix him up with a big rare steak!

Tall...

Teeth are falling out in Philadelphia too.

Tender ninny!

Territory tax?

Thank you.

Thank you.

That comes to $47, even. Now for the wagon...

That comes to $232.55.

That Doc's a gutty little cuss.

That don't mean I don't know what it's all about.!

That girl. I think I know her.

That is correct.

That is the direction that I personally am going to.

That means, uh, he's got four to go.

That name don't scare you?

That she loved me.

That tallies 181.

That was good, though. Was good.

That was just to get on the wagon train.

That was on purpose.

That was to give the wagon train a chance to get away.

That you, Willie?

That's 'cause you're strong, Ma. ( Whistle Blows]

That's all.

That's amazing. Simply amazing.

That's an even $250 with the territory tax.

That's dandy.

That's good! What is that?

That's Heywood out there practicing.

That's not Episcopalian!

That's okay.

That's part of it. The main thing is if he nicks me,

That's right! Clean shot!

That's right. This was my last job.

That's Sam Huggins, the lawyer.

That's six. Call him out.

That's the story of my life, you know.

That's the ticket. Just pull up behind that last wagon.

The church? Aqui.

The government promised me amnesty...

The greatest! Attaboy, Doc!

The hands of a surgeon.

The Heywood wagon. It ain't with us.

The late Sir Lincoln Boone.

The man who got Arnold the Kid. Well.

The marshal wants you to work as an undercover agent.

The minister and his loyal minion?

The moon is on the wane.

The most failure of anybody,

The mother of Jesse W. Heywood, valedictorian.

The next minute you're working for the government.

The only thing I can recommend is you find yourself a husband by 5:00 tomorrow mornin'.

The skillet was $4.20. That's $11.70. Then you have...

The song is 50 cents extra. Would you like the song?

The sooner I get rid of him, the better.

The wagon you are beholding... soon to be yours...

Them Indians is ten times as scared as you are...

Then a plan began a formulatin' in his mind!

Then beddy bye.

Then I found out you're a crook. Then you're not a crook, you're working with the government.

Then I got on a gunslinger's track.

There he is! Hey!

There he is! Hey! Doc!

There isn't any time. We've got to catch the wagon train,

There was a reason for that.

There was two at the can,

There we are.

There. That'll be a real nice picture for us.

There's a potbellied stove, wrought iron skillet,

There's plenty more where that came from, Pop.

They ain't likely to be federal men.

They checked on him back East, and he ain't no Pentecostal.

They couldn't find one persuasion that ever heard tell of him.

They told me this outfit was an original.

They're gainin' on us. We gotta split up.

Things are moving too fast.

This is really the beginning...

This is really the beginning... Louder.!

This is so sudden, Miss Cushings.

This is your lucky day!

This'll be easy pickin's, Pop.

Those Bible boxes were sure long and heavy.

Those half naked savages must have colds all the time.

Thought I heard something.

To Doc Heywood, Indian fighter!

To pull the wool over Jesse W. Heywood's eyes.

Tonight's our wedding night.

Twelve Indians, two horses and Arnold the Kid.

Twenty pounds of flour, one axe, two extra handles.

Two at the sign,

Two at the sign,

Two at the sign, one at the skillet...

Two in the can,

Two men held us up out on the Willow Creek Road. They got the strongbox.

Two things have always been my downfall.

Uh huh.

Uh huh.

Uh huh. Okay. All right.

Uh uh.

Uh, all the way down, mack. Thank you.

Uh, back that way. Huh. Well...

Uh, come on now, Miss Stevenson. Seriously. Open your mouth.

Uh, Dr. Friedlander,

Uh, have you seen this "ladiola"?

Uh, I didn't know you could shoot like that.

Uh, I'll see you. Oh, wait a minute!

Uh, is this car 24?

Uh, look, I hope I didn't give the hotel a bad name by fainting.

Uh, look, Mr. Welsh, I have got to get on this wagon train.

Uh, ma'am, uh...

Uh, ma'am! Oh, ma'am!

Uh, ma'am. Excuse me, ma'am.

Uh, n no charge.

Uh, Penny! Penny!

Uh, there's something that l...

Uh, uh, uh...

Uh, well...

Uh, well... Now wait a... That's enough. I, uh...

Uh, west is that...

Uh!

Uh!

Uh! Air! I gotta have air!

Uh...

Uh... it's you!

Uh... l... I need my mirror.

Uh... morning!

Um, are you going to take your tree and your dog along with you?

Vaya con Dios, amigo.

Wagons west!

Wait 'til I get...

Wait a min... Uh, well...

Wait a minute. Hold it. Hold it!

Wait a minute. There's a doctor right here in the hotel.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a second! If you didn't have any horses for sale,

Wana tonka. Wana tonka?

Watay?

Watay?

Watay? Uh huh watay.!

Watay.

Watay.

Watay.

Watay.

Watay. Watay.

Watay. Watay.!

Watch me carefully.

Water.

Water. I gotta have water.

Water. Water.

Way.

We are assembled here in the presence of God to join together this man...

We can't trust anybody.

We figure they won't be suspicious of a woman posin' as a homesteader.

We got enough on you to send you away for 300 years.

We got on the wagon train; bang, bang, bang; hurray, hurray.

We just like to keep busy. You have no right to...

We may get the feeling that this is the end.

We need your help to find out who it is.

We'd better hurry if we want to catch that wagon train.

We're closed. Well... Now just wait a minute!

We're coming! Dr. Heywood, Dr. Heywood! Please, wake up!

We're to take the wagon train to San Miguel with you posing as my wife.

We've already lost two men.

We've got horses right back there, Penny. Let's go.

Wear it in good health.

Wear your gun.

Well, all right.

Well, all right. Where are you gonna be later? I'll be around.

Well, Doc, somebody killed them dozen Indians.

Well, figures don't lie.

Well, gee, Ma, that's kind of nifty.

Well, I don't know anything about that.

Well, I reckon it would sound kind of funny in front of the other gentlemen.

Well, I think the best thing to do is to go to bed.

Well, I'll just show you what I think about that.

Well, I'll sure know where to look if I ever need a coward.

Well, I'll tell you what I did!

Well, I'll tell you.

Well, I'm not going to cry.

Well, I'm what they came up with, so let's get down to business.

Well, I've got to find some way.

Well, if that's the way you want it.

Well, it got your Uncle Metcalf safely through the Civil War.

Well, Ma, I guess this is it.

Well, Ma...

Well, Miss Stevenson, don't we look lovely today.

Well, Mom, the West needs dentists.

Well, now, do you have everything you need? Yes, I think so.

Well, now. If it ain't Doc Heywood,

Well, they're sure takin' their sweet time about it.

Well, uh, I've always felt I was a little too thin for marriage.

Well, uh...

Well, wait a minute, Penny.

Well, well, well. You did it, ma'am. What's the new name?

Well, what do you think, Penny?

Well, what happened to me there last night.

Well, yes, but you're... Well, not like you.

Well, you'd be lonesome, too, if your husband were on guard duty.

Well.

Well...

Well... thank you, dear lady.

West is that way.

West! And I'm gonna find me a couple of horses,

What about supper? I've got something to do. I'll see you later.

What an age we live in.

What are you doing wandering around? Shut up!

What can I do for you, Miss Cushings?

What do you want?

What do you want?

What happened, Arthur?

What is it?

What job?

What seems to be the trouble, Heywood?

What the...

What time do you have, sir? Huh? Oh, 5:30.

What?

What?

What?

What'd you do that for?

What'll we do?

What's a tender ninny like you doing out here in the first place?

What's going on?

What's that got to do with me?

What's that, Pop?

What's the matter? 'Fraid he'll kill you?

When you turned away, I noticed your profile.

Where? Where?

Where's that federal marshal? He's on his way over.

Where's Willie?

Which one's Doc Heywood? Right there.

Who did it?

Who? The sheriff wants to see you.

Who'd have believed it?

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa! Penny, there ain't but one thing to do.

Why did I choose the West?

Why, Jesse? Why?

Why, surely you jest. There hasn't been a horse for sale in over three weeks.

Why, the scar will just ruin my looks.

Willie! Willie!

Women just come runnin' after me, wantin' to kiss me on the mouth.

Wong reveres knowledge. We are at your service.

Wong, add that up. Forty seven and 150.

Wong, let us not forget. Our house is honored by the presence of a physician.

Wong, observe the analytical mind of the trained scientist.

Wong, our house is honored by the presence of a physician.

Write me as soon as you get to the West.

Ya ninny! He wants to give you a pardon!

Yeah, but Philadelphia is overrun with dentists. There must be seven!

Yeah, it looks like one of'em.

Yeah, well, I better come with you. I'm pretty handy with a gun, you know.

Yeah, well, my ha...

Yeah! I know.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah?

Yeah?

Yeah? Well, he'll have to get up pretty early in the morning...

Yeah.

Yeah. That's $47, all right.

Yep, Matthew. That's our man. We've gotta get rid of him.

Yep.

Yep. Right across the street there.

Yes, that's me.

Yes. Fine, fine.

You ain't never seen a dentist in your life.

You are indeed a fortunate man!

You are really my kind of guy.

You can't sleep like that! Those spurs'll kill me!

You character. One of ours.

You dang fool! The marshal wants you to work for the federal government.

You do and I'll shoot you... right in the mouth.

You don't graduate. Mm hmm.

You follow that stream there.

You fool! Here's the trouble.

You got him... zang! With one shot while you was a fallin' down!

You got the Kid because we all seen it. Right!

You got yourself a deal.

You heard me. Get out of my way!

You just happen to know what I did? Do you happen to know what I did?

You just sit down there. There we go.

You knock off that chip and you'll see what it's all about.

You know something, Penny? This is the first time...

You know something?

You know? Okay. All righty, open your mouth.

You mean you're a thief? A cattle rustler? What's this all about?

You mean, I didn't...

You might get hurt.

You mind if I tell everybody?

You promised yourself you wouldn't. And I'm not!

You ready to go?

You see, it was all part of the plan.

You wanna know what I think about that?

You wanna know what that's all about? I'll tell you what that's all about.

You were looking for a woman, weren't you?

You?

You... You cheaters! Cheaters!

You're a lot spunkier than I thought you were.

You're in my way, Heywood. You're in my way!

You're kidding!

You're not a real aunt. Just my mother's best friend.

You're not family! I'm your aunt!

You're on your own from here on, Heywood.

You're really asking for it.

You're soft.

You've always had your father's delicate sinuses.

You've got a rig? Waiting out in the staging area.

You've got no right holding a defenseless woman prisoner!

You've got no right!

You've got such touchy sinuses.

Your average Indian's the healthiest person in the world.

Your shoe's untied.

Your Uncle George was going to give you an office over the harness shop...

Did anybody call a doctor? Doc Gifford's out of town.

.

'Bout the only thing that saved me was the old killer instinct.

( Applause]

( Banging Drums Gunshots, Whooping]

( Banging Drums, Whooping Continue]

( Banging Drums, Whooping]

( Banging Drums]

( Bartender] Give him a chance to clear the dust out of his throat.

( Bell Clanging]

( Bell Ringing, Whistle Blowing]

( Bells Ring]

( Bullet Ricochets]

( Chattering]

( Chip Hits Ground]

( Conductor] Board.!

( Coyote Howling]

( Dog Barking]

( Dog Yelps]

( Floorboard Creaks]

( Footsteps]

( Footsteps]

( Footsteps]

( Giggling, Frolicking Continue]

( Girls Laughing]

( Gunshot]

( Gunshots Continue]

( Gunshots, Whooping Continue]

( Gunshots]

( Gunshots] They're Winchesters.

( Heywood] Penny.!

( Howling Continues]

( Indians Singing]

( Indians Whooping]

( Kissing Noises]

( Knocking]

( Knocking]

( Laughing, Protesting] Just a second.!

( Laughter]

( Leonard] Yes, please.

( Man Downstairs] Let's go up there.!

( Man] I'm sorry about your husband passin'on, ma'am,

( Man] Louder.! As we stand on the threshold of graduation,

( Man] Whenever you're ready, Leonard.

( Men Snoring]

( Mirror Shatters]

( Mr. Welsh Shouting] Everybody up.! Everybody up.!

( Mr. Welsh] What's going on here?

( One Person Applauding]

( Penny] Get back here, you idiot.!

( Penny] Poor little dude. You're tired, aren't you?

( Punching, Falling To Floor]

( Rustling]

( Snoring Continues]

( Twig Snaps]

( Willie] Almost done, Ma.

( Wind Blowing, Whistling]

( Wind Whistling]

( Woman Screaming] Oh, help.! Help.! Help.!

( Woman] Willie.!

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪ Both day and night ♪

♪ Both day and night ♪

♪ Both day and night ♪

♪ But he has a little trouble with his trigger finger ♪

♪ But he stands for right ♪

♪ But he stands for right ♪

♪ But he'll win the fight ♪

♪ But he'll win the fight ♪

♪ He came out west on a northbound train ♪

♪ He may lose the battle for a while ♪

♪ He may lose the battle for a while ♪

♪ He rides in the saddle like an elevator man ♪

♪ He's a dude done over you can see at a glance ♪

♪ He's a humdinger a western swinger ♪

♪ He's an underfoot tenderfoot king of the mess ♪

♪ He's corny as corn bread seedy as grain ♪

♪ He's got a phony pony that was made in Japan ♪

♪ He's got hair in his eye and a gleam on his chest ♪

♪ He's the shakiest gun in the West ♪

♪ He's the shakiest gun in the West ♪

♪ He's the shakiest gun in the West ♪

♪ He's the shakiest gun in the West ♪

♪ He's the shakiest gun in the West ♪

♪ He's the shakiest gun in the West ♪

♪ He's the shakiest gun in the West ♪

♪ He's the shakiest gun in the West ♪

♪ His boots are shiny and so are his pants ♪

♪ Oh, promise me that someday... ♪

♪ The crooks die laughing but they're dead just the same ♪

♪ When he takes aim it's anybody's guess ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, he stands for right ♪

$232.55?