Nine Months Edit

A boy.

A clitoris. Don't even know what he needs.

About my wife and I having another baby.

About what?

Absolutely. Congratulations. Absolutely.

Absolutely. Sit. Sit. Sit. Relax.

After 10 years, you've seen one rat ass, you've seen them all.

Ah!

All he has to do is ask.

All I'm saying is that there should just be two areas on the beach...

All right, I know it hurts, but you have to come back now.

All right, madam. If you would take off your clothes

All right, okay.

All right.

All right.

Alone?

Always let her know how you're feeling. You've gotta talk to her.

And a baby would change everything.

And a big wind came along and bam...

And all my girlfriends are single.

And Dad's a bastard.

And embarrass me in front of my friends at my home?

And get undressed, we will begin, okay?

And gobbled me up like some praying mantis. Not for me.

And have a life of deprivation...

And I assume everything else is as it should be.

And I bought all the other stuff.

And I love you, big guy.

And I really want this baby.

And I sold the Porsche.

And I would love to marry Samuel.

And I'm completely in love with you for having it.

And I'm prepared for that.

And I've worked pretty hard for it.

And it's fine, is it?

And just destroy a child's life.

And last month, I received my new license,

And nothing whatsoever here?

And now I'm able to deliver human babies.

And now...

And of losing you

And our lives are practically unrecognizable!

And probably wouldn't be a dad, so...

And puts pins in her diaphragm.

And she started dilating a little,

And she'll get me through this.

And the baby was conceived March 17.

And the world is overpopulated.

And then when the baby comes,

And then, you know, everyone's happy.

And there's no way you could've had it and just not noticed?

And they really don't want to hear all that beastly stuff, all right?

And we know who we can thank for those problems, don't we?

And you had absolutely every right to walk out on me.

And you know that that child knows that you're their dad...

And you push!

And you're an even bigger dick for taking his side over family.

And your baby... your baby

And...

Another clamp, please. Another clamp.

Anyone who doesn't believe in change is a coward,

Are gonna have a new baby.

Are we on the maternity floor? Good grief, we're completely lost.

Are you okay?

Are you sure?

Are you trying to kill everyone in San Francisco, you asshole?

Arnie loves you. You penis head.

Arnie: You hit like a girl, you flatulent butthead.

Ask Gail if I could babysit your kids on Saturday afternoon.

At Pasklovansky Hospital in Leningrad, now St. Petersburg.

Aw, poor baby. Shh.

Awesome, huh?

Bad Chinese. Buddy!

Be affectionate with her. Kiss her a lot.

Be careful, Sam.

Bec, I'm sorry.

Bec, wait.

Bec?

Bec.

Because I know about babies now. I've been reading up.

Because I'm as flipped out about this as you are, Samuel.

Because if I can feel it, then it can feel me.

Because like an idiot, I was under the impression

Because of this nonsense.

Because then it will convince Rebecca that I like being around children.

Because we filmed every one of her births.

Because, you know, we live in a fantastic apartment,

Being an alcoholic or being deprived in some way.

Blood everywhere, things are shooting in and out,

Boy, he's gonna love this.

Breasts like sponge cake.

Breathe. We'll help you.

Buddy! It's about time.

Busy.

But any complete moron can become a parent

But Christine wasn't pregnant or anything like that?

But don't lose Rebecca.

But he likes it. Say uncle!

But how about another one of them kisses?

But how's she gonna play for the 49ers?

But I don't know who would do that.

But I don't see you making any contributions.

But I guess you'd know that, since you're...

But I just want you to reconsider.

But I really have to speak to her, okay? I want her back.

But I still want to.

But I think it's just a bit early for me to get involved.

But I want to buy a new car.

But I would love this baby

But it was not a party for me.

But maybe we could fool around tonight.

But me and you, we're getting older.

But my feet are really swollen and my back's killing me.

But now my breasts don't hurt,

But she hasn't even mentioned your name in the last two weeks.

But some people are too drunk, they don't remember.

But that doesn't mean that what I do isn't respectable.

But the first three months were really tough on me.

But they can suffocate the baby, they could claw the baby.

But this is his first time. You've got to give him a chance.

But when you see your child look into your eyes

But you know what?

But, hon, you know how much I love my car.

But, you know, he's got very severe problems.

But, you know, that's the idea.

By which you mean...

Call the anesthesiologist. This woman needs an enema.

Can we still call her Samuel?

Can you wait here for just a minute? I have to go to the bathroom again.

Can't you give her something for the pain?

Car seat, family extras.

Change is great. Change is what it's all about.

Check the goddamn computer.

Check! Leave the breakfast.

Cheers.

Chewed up my manhood, swallowed my youth,

Christine has her faults,

Christine wanted a baby?

Clitor... you need a thesaurus is what you need!

Come back. Sit down! Samuel, sit down!

Come here.

Come here. This is the car for you.

Come on, baby! Let's roll!

Come on, Sprinkler, let's go.

Come on, we'll crack another bottle, okay?

Come on, you bitch!

Come on.

Come on. Come on, you little wiener!

Come on. Don't be such a stiff.

Come on. We'll have some fun.

Come on. Work for your baby. Work.

Come with me into here. I warm my hands up for you.

Come! Quick!

Cost a bit of money, but it's only three months old.

Could you be a little more positive about this? More supportive?

Cracked you right on the noggin.

Denied her my essence.

Didn't sell one painting, and now his stuff goes for $40 million.

Dinner?

Do you think I planned this?

Do you think I planned this?

Do you wanna come up for sex?

Do you want more?

Do you want the baby?

Doctor, this woman is also dilated to 10.

Don't deny it! I saw the two of you kissing!

Don't get up. You may have a concussion.

Don't strangle the little boy.

Don't yell at me! Please don't do this to me.

Don't you dare leave me alone with him.

Dr. Kosevich: We go see Papa.

Easy, easy, easy. Easy. Easy.

Eat that, honey.

Elaborate on a little bit for me, Truman?

End of sentence.

End of sentence.

Epidermis? What is it? Epilady?

Even if you're alone?

Everybody gets tired, you know?

Everything is fine now. We're all back online.

Everything looks fine.

Excellent.

Excuse me.

Feel exactly the same as you.

Figures.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine. Fine. Fine.

Five incredible, incredible years.

Five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10.

Folks, we're real sorry.

For the nice cheese and give him a big hug.

For what?

Forget it. Forget it. Come on, let's go.

Four, five, six, seven...

Fuck me! It's not working.

Gail and I have gotten to be really close.

Gail and I...

Gail: God, I am so sorry about that.

Gail: Kids, let's say thank you to the man

Gail: Oh, that's so sweet.

Gail.

Gee, I didn't say nothing, mister. You must be hearing things.

Gently, gently.

Get off me, you fat bastard!

Get off the phone and drive, limey scumbag!

Get out! Get out!

Get some smelling salts and get these men up off the floor!

Giddyup.

Give me a few minutes. I'll seat you right away.

Go, go, go. I'm sorry, folks.

Go! Go! Go!

God strike me dead for admitting this,

Good. Interesting.

Great.

Great.

Great.

Had a little teeny element of actual control about it.

He is on vacation. You are two weeks early.

He was a bit tense, so I thought we'd have a bit of dancing here.

He's a little nervous.

He's half blind. He hasn't got the strength to suffocate anyone.

He's just a replacement. Dr. Green will be the...

He's someone pathetic in a dinosaur suit.

He's very handsome. He's got very big testicles, too.

Her calves are like calzoni.

Her skin is like ribbon candy.

Here it comes.

Here you go! The baby's head is out. Syringe.

Here, quit reading that book. Go call the neighbors.

Here, watch this with Rebecca. She forgot to take it.

Here's one for the queen.

Here's the problem. There are function keys.

Hey, cut it out. (grunting)

Hey, Doc, have you been celebrating a little bit there?

Hey, Doc. You all right?

Hey, guys. It's the 30th.

Hey, honey, it's the people from the beach.

Hey, honey, off the bed. Off the bed.

Hey, mister, you'd look great in one of my "Arnie Loves You" t shirts.

Hey, tell your sister to let go of my tail,

Hey, there, fellers.

Hey! I'll get him, Sammy!

Hey.

Hey. How are you? This is Bobbie.

Hi, everybody. Smile big!

Hi, everyone. Hi, I'm Dr. Newsoe. I'm here to administer the epidural.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Hi. How are you feeling?

Hi. Look, I'm sorry to bother you, but my wife's pregnant.

His little heart's beating.

Hold on a moment here. Not obstruction. It's obstetrics.

Hold on. Okay. What is wrong?

Honey, do you think we're hurting the baby?

Honey, I'm so proud of you and I love you so much.

Honey, listen. I'm just thinking, about the baby...

Honey, what? Who eats fathers?

Honey!

Honey. Honey, smile.

Hope we didn't ruin your picnic.

Horrible thing you can do.

How about one of my new "Arnie Loves You" videos?

How about taking home a new Arnie doll for the kiddies?

How are things?

How could you say that to me? You were the one who pointed out,

How do you know that?

How long are you gonna have to be dead before you can pay that phone bill?

How much do I owe you for four minutes?

How you doing, buddy? Good to meet you.

How?

Huh?

Huh? What moved?

Huh. What are you doing on the maternity floor?

I adore you.

I also want a patient who won't bite me.

I always get those confused... enema, pedicure, epidermal.

I am completely sexually frustrated. I do not sleep at night.

I am in the middle of a nervous breakdown.

I am not a communist. Well, I was briefly member of party,

I bet if we wait a while, we can feel the baby move again.

I bet they do, but no, thank you.

I bought all that cowboy stuff and I bought the sports stuff

I can see. You're gonna have a thrombo.

I can smell the room service on that painting.

I can tell it's a boy by the way she's carrying it all in the front.

I can't be a father.

I can't stand it. I don't know why.

I can't take the pressure. Don't yell at me.

I can't.

I cannot believe you're fighting now!

I checked her cervix. She's dilated to 10.

I deep sixed it. There. Sleep with the fishes.

I did not sleep with this woman!

I didn't realize this was a frickin' group therapy session, Doctor.

I don't care what I think or don't think anymore.

I don't give a damn about me.

I don't know about Truman. I mean, I'll get him to open up.

I don't know if you noticed,

I don't know what I want anymore.

I don't think so, Sean.

I don't think there'll be a problem in that direction.

I don't wanna move in with my parents

I don't want to brag. What's his name?

I don't want to die like Van Gogh. It's terrifying.

I don't want you to tear. You have to control your push.

I feel for you, buddy. But if I let you in here,

I feel...

I felt like I really made a contribution to this world.

I found her. Come here, kiddo. Where you been?

I got it all on film. The kids are gonna love it.

I got the doctor's machine again.

I guess having another girl's not so bad.

I guess I got plenty more time to feel it.

I hate him. I loathe him. I detest him.

I hate you. You did this to me!

I have a computer program here that I have written myself

I have sometimes very low tolerance for pressure.

I have these appalling nightmares all the time.

I have to get rid of the cat I've had for 16 years.

I just don't think we should make love until we talk to the doctor.

I just want to say thanks.

I knew it!

I know it might not be a big thing to you.

I know it's been two months since we made love,

I know now exactly what a bastard I was.

I know that I've changed.

I love you.

I love you.

I mean, highly edible. Highly edible.

I mean, I know I've missed a few appointments, but...

I mean, I know that it's fashionable, PC, all that,

I mean, I know...

I mean, my youth is here, doing well.

I mean, size wise and all that kind of stuff?

I mean, this is the second month

I mean, we'd have to move out.

I mean, we're not ready for a child.

I mean, you're incredibly attractive,

I mean...

I met you last year at Sean's loft. I'm his sister, Gail.

I need something. Knock me out!

I never said that.

I really appreciate your asking us to come along.

I should buy myself a clitoris.

I spent a year in Afghanistan.

I suppose it must've been shock.

I swear I won't forget the next time.

I swore I wouldn't miss it. I've missed it.

I think it was just a little bit unexpected.

I think it's time for us to face our responsibilities.

I think she's getting over you.

I think you're great.

I think...

I thought about leaving Marty all the time.

I thought it was supposed to be foolproof.

I thought you were trying to French kiss me.

I thought you were using birth control.

I told you about it two weeks ago. And then last week.

I was a disgrace.

I was a scientist. In Russia I was chief of obstruction.

I was away at a child psychiatry conference in Boston, remember?

I was getting worried about you guys. What happened to this car?

I was just listening to what you were saying there.

I was scared of losing control

I was scared.

I was... I was completely selfish,

I will get the clamp. There we go. And the scissors.

I would love to have a family,

I would walk over there and kick your bony little ass

I...

I'd really love to believe this.

I'd say life was dangerously close to perfection, actually.

I'll be right back.

I'll be right back. First, I have to circumcise your son.

I'll get an apartment. I can do it by myself.

I'll go.

I'll shove an "Arnie Loves You" lunch box up your ass!

I'll take both of you wieners on.

I'll tell her now.

I'll throw a party, and you'll meet some new people.

I'm a little nervous, okay? It's my first delivery.

I'm cruising for chicks. Come on, I'm having a baby, for God's sakes.

I'm facing a lifetime alone

I'm going to pull a few strings.

I'm gonna be in the dog house big time and I'm gonna have to live with you.

I'm gonna put her in with another one of my patients.

I'm in a much more fragile state now.

I'm just saying how I feel.

I'm kind of hoping that this will get Samuel excited about having a baby.

I'm leaving.

I'm not doing anything with your knee.

I'm over 30, and I feel

I'm pregnant.

I'm Rebecca Taylor. I'm here to see Dr. Green.

I'm recording history. I'm making you guys a souvenir.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, folks. I'm sorry. Come on, get away from him.

I'm sorry. We're a little overbooked, okay?

I'm such a coward. Sorry.

I'm telling you, we'll learn a new sport.

I'm telling you.

I'm thinking about leaving him.

I'm trying to be positive.

I've got an announcement to make.

I've got it under control, madam. Thank you, though.

I've got stitches, heart attack, woman in labor,

I've loved you since the first moment I saw you.

I've never seen her before in my life.

I've read about it. Cats can be dangerous for a baby.

I've thrown away the most important thing in my life.

I've told you so many times, she refuses to see me.

If I take any more of this in, I'm gonna be painting cats and clowns.

If I wasn't gonna have my five year old daughter do it!

If it's a girl, it's up like this. If it's a boy, it's down like this.

If there aren't any delivery rooms, where is she having the baby?

If you want to know the truth,

In all kinds of other things... politics, music, art.

In fact, she's due in two weeks, and I was just wondering...

In my life only just weeks ago.

Is it just to ruin my weekends

Is it magic when they do that little dribble of vomit down your shoulder?

Is it Rebecca? You haven't heard from her?

Is she here?

Is that any better?

Is that something you can maybe

Is there another one in there, honey? What happened?

Is this... is this noise...

Isn't it cute? Yeah, lovely.

Isn't this jolly, Molly? Yes.

It has to be at the right time for you, but really it's a miracle.

It hasn't been lucrative, that's true.

It is a full moon. Everybody is going into labor.

It just needs a family.

It just sometimes happens in the seventh month.

It was one of the most exciting moments of my life.

It was only for medical reasons.

It was our parents' home.

It's a boy.

It's a pile of shit.

It's a total shutoff.

It's all right, honey. It's fine. It's fine.

It's beautiful.

It's burning. It's burning.

It's cheaper for guys to buy a copy of "Playboy."

It's empty and pointless, all those women.

It's how you... it's how you use,

It's just insane to spoil it.

It's just such a privilege.

It's just that Dr. Kosevich is new. From Russia.

It's just that the whole thing is just such a life changing event.

It's King Stanislaw's daughter, isn't it?

It's like a really good World War II movie.

It's like bubbles.

It's like our profound biological right.

It's like people just have babies on a whim.

It's not one thing, it's your mother.

It's nothing to do with you.

It's nothing to do with you.

It's okay, baby.

It's one of the many, many joys of pregnancy.

It's only 97% effective. It says so right there on the box.

It's perfect.

It's so incredible that the state requires you to take a written test to drive a car,

It's something men can never experience.

It's still quite painful, actually.

It's such baloney and such a cliché

It's terrible. But it's you.

It's that you're around.

It's too late for the medication. Hold on. I'm coming.

It's very good for tension.

It's...

Jeez. Good luck on your new baby.

Jesus Christ Almighty. Where is the bloody doctor?

Jesus, poor Gail.

Jesus.

Jesus.

Jesus. I mean, you love Rebecca, right?

Just like that.

Just relax. Lie down.

Just stay there. Just stay there.

Just the two of us... that's how it should be.

Keep breathing. Breathe, breathe.

Kids! Stop that! Your manners!

Killing us in a head on collision is not what I call positive.

Knock me... ow!

Lady, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Last night.

Leaving in five minutes, sweetie.

Let me help you, honey. Just be gentle!

Let's go take a look at your Volvo, okay?

Let's go!

Let's just deal with this accusation of rudeness.

Let's just keep it to ourselves, huh?

Let's talk about this for real. My God.

Like a bum. Like Van Gogh.

Like something's missing.

Like you bring her to a grocery store

Lili, tell her. Wasn't I completely faithful?

Lili.

Listen to me. Okay?

Listen to this: Buy some new clothes.

Listen to this.

Listen, forget about Rebecca.

Listen, how's Rebecca?

Listen, I swear to you, on the life of my child,

Listen, I'm sorry about your camera.

Listen, I'm sorry, man. I got a little carried away.

Listen, I'm sorry. We were over there flying a kite,

Listen, I've seen the second ultrasound,

Listen, Marty.

Listen, stop down by the lot. I'll make you a good deal.

Listen. Sorry. And I'm gonna take off.

Little family business.

Look around you. There are not enough doctors.

Look at that.

Look at Van Gogh. He, while he was living,

Look what I've become.

Look, at least just tell her one... just...

Look, I'm on the way to the hospital, if you'd like a ride.

Look, I'm sorry. That's beluga. It's $64 an ounce.

Look, you don't care about me.

Look, you see? That is why women have the babies.

Looks like it's gonna be a full house this weekend.

Lose the earring.

Man, I'd give anything to have Christine back.

Marry me, Captain Renaldo.

Mart...

Marty and Gail's?

Marty, please do this for me!

Marty: All right, seriously folks, if you guys travel a lot,

Marty: Kids, kids, break it up. Come on now.

Marty: You can be the toughest guy in the world,

Maybe I'll put it in the...

Maybe it's crazy, but I feel it living inside me.

Missy, of course you do.

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm. Right into her spine.

Mm, boy.

Most people know that,

My dad's a giant asshole.

My dad's an asshole.

My husband is having a heart attack!

My practice is really good, it's thriving as they say.

My sister Gail is right. If I continue this way,

New toast:

No more nausea, no more insomnia. I feel great.

No more nausea, no more insomnia. I feel great.

No more tennis for today. That's it.

No, animals.

No, but I haven't finished the food.

No, I do. I do now.

No, I don't think so.

No, I haven't heard from her.

No, I'm fine. I'm fine. Thank you, Truman.

No, it's just that you and Gail used to be interested

No, my kids will hate it because they think your show sucks.

No, my water broke!

No, no, don't scoff.

No, no, leave that.

No, no, Marty!

No, no, no. That's gonna get me in big trouble with Gail.

No, no. Not lunch. I mean more for us.

No, really. We underestimated you.

No, she's not. I've already got three girls.

No, thank you, buddy.

No, thanks. No, I've had lots.

No, thanks. No. I'm just gonna shoot off.

No, the thing is, Lili, I think...

No, we're in the fifth month. It's too late.

No, you don't understand. He's completely uninvolved.

No!

No!

No! No!

No! No! Hi.

No! Please. Here, eat this.

No. I don't believe you. If it was all so innocent,

No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. Okay, if it's a boy,

No. We can see Dr. Kosevich.

No. What do you mean? Like, on the sly or something?

Nobody wants to take dance class from a big, fat pregnant lady.

Not bad, eh?

Not many teeth left in the left hand corner of my mouth, but cute.

Not only can they give a baby toxoplasmosis,

Nothing happened. I was completely faithful to you.

Now check your computer again.

Now it's just nothing but kids, kids, kids.

Now it's time for dinner.

Now suddenly I have to sell the car I love,

Now we're ready for the final push, all right?

Obviously, with imagination and passion whatever it is...

Obviously.

Oh yeah, yeah, with the small worms.

Oh, a week ago.

Oh, baby, you were incredible.

Oh, but very sweet.

Oh, Christine left me.

Oh, Dr. Green's been out with pneumonia.

Oh, God. I'm okay.

Oh, good news.

Oh, good, everybody's old friends. Back to work!

Oh, gosh, thanks. I didn't even realize I'd left it.

Oh, gosh, thanks. I didn't even realize I'd left it.

Oh, gosh.

Oh, gosh.

Oh, I don't believe that.

Oh, it stopped.

Oh, Jeez. Watch out!

Oh, just a little.

Oh, long story.

Oh, missy.

Oh, more of the sort of technical side.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

Oh, no, there's plenty. It's fine. Help yourselves.

Oh, no. I want someone else.

Oh, no. I was out of line. It's my fault.

Oh, no. Why would you think that?

Oh, okay. Okay. Excuse me.

Oh, please. Without you, come on. Hey, we make a great team.

Oh, Samuel.

Oh, shit.

Oh, that's clever.

Oh, there we go.

Oh, yeah, I did.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure, you are.

Oh, yes. What brings you here, then?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Okay now, when you bring your arms up round, like this...

Okay, bye.

Okay, Eleanor? Round. Round.

Okay, girls, you tell your mommy if she loves you,

Okay, give me a moment. I'm thinking.

Okay, great.

Okay, it's gone.

Okay, just enjoy the car.

Okay, just forget it.

Okay, let's drop the whole thing.

Okay, now it is time for the physical examination.

Okay, now,

Okay, open your eyes. Open your eyes!

Okay, that's it.

Okay, then.

Okay, well, it is your choice.

Okay, you run along. You go play with your sisters, okay?

Okay?

Okay? Lie down.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Come on! Move!

Okay. Hey, congratulations, Papa.

Okay. Huh?

Okay. I think we've worked out all the insects.

Okay. Let me get it ready for you.

Okay. Oh, gosh. We're gonna have a baby.

Okay. Okay, I will.

Okay. Rebecca is pregnant. There.

Okey dokey. (chuckles)

On March 17,

On my salary? Come on.

On one condition.

On the sly, or just, you know, in the run of things?

On the... no.

One for adults and one for children.

One is for humans and one is for simians.

One more push and you will see your baby.

One... two... three.

Only because I didn't want to upset you because you were in a fragile state.

Open it.

Open your eyes. Take a look at your son.

Or a restaurant or something and I just happen to be there.

Or an eye in the middle of its forehead.

Or later.

Or what we had together, and losing my youth.

Our apartment's not ready for a baby.

Our society has too many starving children.

Ow!

Party time then! I'm sorry. Get back in there.

Patsy, no. That's not funny, my love.

Penelope Leach. I've been to a Lamaze class.

People are screaming, stuff's getting torn apart

Perfect example of the product of change.

Perfect.

Please, come in.

Please, come sit down. One moment.

Please, do something for me. Just organize a chance meeting.

Please, please, just let me talk to her for two seconds.

Please, that's an old wives' tale, that stuff.

Please?

Please. It's the seventh month.

Please. Please, sit down. I'm very sorry.

Please. Please. Please. Please.

Pleasure. Pleasure.

Plus, there are special ways to ensure that it'll be a boy.

Poor old Bec. She just had some bad Chinese.

Pregnant women need a lot of support.

Push. One, two, three, four,

Ready when you are.

Ready.

Really?

Rebecca and me, we're wonderful together.

Rebecca, I...

Rebecca: Oh, yes! Thank God!

Rebecca: Well, I guess you don't want the baby.

Reminded me that she was the most important thing

Reply to my letters.

Restrict her movement.

Right, but you're gonna have a baby now,

Right? Okay?

Right.

Right.

Right.

Right.

Right.

Right.

Right. How do I feel on that one?

Right. Lovely.

Right. She's really doing okay?

Run.

Sam, my life's a pile of shit.

Sam, she's 25 years old.

Sam, what's the matter? What's the matter?

Samuel, stop!

Samuel, you almost ruined everything, and I...

Samuel: Where is Dr. Green?

Samuel!

Samuel?

Samuel.

Samuel.

Say hello to Papa.

Say to yourself, "Do I really want to become a parent?"

Sean, I got a quick question for you.

Sean: No, what I'm saying is that I just think

Sean: This is where you two are gonna stay.

Sean!

See, if you have a baby, that means he's gotta grow up.

See, this is why I don't want kids.

Shannon, there are other children here,

She just started having some contractions

She knows what it's like to be pregnant,

She left about 15 minutes ago.

She said she never wants to see you again.

She took my first name. See?

She wanted a child.

She was hungry for seed.

She was pretty emotional earlier.

She was... so she wanted... she...

She won't answer my calls,

She would have devoured me from the head down,

She'll buy you the whole Arnie collection.

She's a professional. She's better than me.

She's attractive. She's very attractive.

She's been reading these Harlequin romance novels

She's crazy about sex.

She's going through a hiding phase. It's something kids do for attention.

She's got your eyes.

She's great. God bless America, okay?

She's looking at me.

She's the best thing that ever happened to you.

She's... please!

Shit.

Shit.

Shit.

Shit. Another one.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Sir, do I have you down for an appointment?

Sir, I think he's all right.

Sir? Your car will be ready in a minute.

Skippy is 16 years old. He can barely move.

Slime sucking son of a whore bitch!

Smile for me, honey. I love you so much. Smile.

Smile, Doc. How's she doing over there, Doc?

So he can call me a bastard in 10 years' time?

So I closed the iron door.

So I was thinking, you know,

So I'd like to make a toast...

So I'll take a rain check on that. Another day.

So listen, Lili, how long is the wait for a table gonna be?

So long, you fat ass pussy.

So therefore, 3% completely bloody ineffective.

So they just want to keep her here overnight,

So unless you want to deliver this baby yourself, follow me!

So we hear you're from Russia.

So what do you feel?

So why would you want to change things?

So you just be quiet, hmm?

So you know you're having a boy, right?

So you're gonna need something bigger.

So, can I see her?

So, what do you think of her?

So...

So...

Some places they use last names. Here, they use first names.

Some places, they do that. They take the first name.

Sometimes I think I'd like to be a father.

Sometimes I'm not sure I want this baby.

Sorry if we woke you.

Sorry to bring you that news.

Sorry, honey. I completely forgot.

Sorry, honey. Sorry. Just a bad dream.

Sorry.

Sorry. Ridiculous. That's stupid. Stupid.

Sorry. Right, you're serious. You'd probably make a good dad.

Spooky, Sam. Jesus. That's a she snake.

Start with a smile. Just smile, for heaven's sakes.

Stop it. I love it. Go on.

Sure.

Surely to be a parent,

Talk to her. Christine and I never talked.

Talking about it before the third month is bad luck anyway, right?

Tell them to call off the search party. Please, please, go.

Thank you both very much, but Skippy is old and clean.

Thank you for choosing me.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, Arnie!

Thank you!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. I've always wanted to be carried over a threshold.

Thanks for coming down, man. I missed you.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks. Excellent. Excellent.

Thanks. Thank you.

That could scare the hell out of a baby.

That means, presumably, you can actually see his whatnot.

That the artist has to be messed up

That thing you're doing with my knee.

That was interesting. That was a key sentence.

That was the single most satisfying sexual experience of my life.

That will calculate your due date very accurately, okay?

That you were the one monopolizing the conversation.

That'll be just as much fun.

That's all right, man. I've been lied to before.

That's certain... no, of course not.

That's fine, I'll wait in...

That's fun.

That's gonna take a lot of convincing.

That's it. Obstetrics.

That's my name.

That's nice on a cross country journey. Listen, I'll be right back.

That's okay. There you go.

That's perfect, sweetheart.

That's pretty direct.

That's right. She volunteers here. I've sold cars to almost every doctor.

That's some voodoo woman who stays up at night

That's the most hateful, cruel, sneaky,

That's the truth. And sometimes...

That's what he's really afraid of. The baby's the fun part.

That's what I'll tell her.

That's what it is. It's terrible. Look at that.

That's why I'm painting this way. You're very unhappy.

The appointment was at 11:00. I can make it.

The baby can hear you.

The baby will be due December 8.

The baby, it moved.

The bastard. Come on. Please go faster.

The cat or the baby.

The doctors don't know yet, but she's with them.

The female mantis, after she has sex with her mate, she eats him.

The kiddie, you know, shrink.

The latest nightmare is that the baby is deformed.

The most beautiful pregnant woman in the whole world.

The one you left at Dr. Thatcher's the day I was late.

The point is...

The swelling's gone down.

Then I make them dinner every night.

Then why did you lie about knowing her?

There are not enough nurses and not enough delivery rooms, okay?

There might be a problem with the pregnancy.

There must be someone else. Find me another doctor!

There we go. And she is free from you.

There we go. Got it. Got it.

There you go. There!

There you go. Were you here March 23?

There's children around here, for God's sakes.

There's hundreds of women

There's moments of sheer happiness.

There's no one else! All right?!

There's not one good reason that we should keep this baby.

There's this.

They always show up uninvited.

They come in extra extra extra large.

They don't need some pregnant person living with them.

They don't often carry them at the back, do they?

They eat the father! They eat the father!

They should put that on the box.

They're monsters.

This baby is not a good idea.

This is great. Don't worry, we didn't bring a kite this time.

This is my moment.

This is somebody who can get me over the rough spots.

This is terrible. Here. Bon voyage. Goodbye.

This is the perfect vehicle 'cause you got a lot of room in the back.

This is the problem. It is feces flying into the fan.

This is, amazingly enough, to us.

This is... that's actually him? That's my son?

This John McEnroe thing is scaring me.

This pregnancy was an accident. It took us completely by surprise.

This sucks! It tastes like poo.

This whole baby thing really scares him.

Three days ago. And twice, I think, yesterday.

Three one one. Okay.

Three one one. Okay.

Tie the baby to the hood like a deer?

Time for the final push.

Time to get up.

To be a strong, independent single mother,

To come out!

To have a mother and a father.

To my wife,

To stability.

Today's our first doctor's appointment.

Today's our second ultrasound. I've missed it.

Uh huh. Good. Excellent.

Uh oh.

Um, see what, my love?

Um...

Valium!

Wait. Did she just say it was the 30th?

Wait. Wait for me!

Wanna come up for coffee?

Watch out!

Watch out!

Watch your step.

We are absolutely certain about this, right?

We can go baby shopping. Have lunch.

We could use a man like you down at the car lot.

We don't have space for a child.

We don't have time for this.

We don't know what could happen, hon.

We get on, I think, better than most married couples.

We got some great videos you can watch,

We happen to have a few around here, you know.

We must get this woman on the delivery table immediately, if not later.

We were idiots. We threw it all away, and now look at me.

We'll honeymoon in Paris.

We're a family.

We're all getting on well here.

We're gonna be fine.

We're gonna need something bigger, something with four seats.

We're here to see the gastrointestinal specialist.

We're off.

We've been doing really great together,

We've been looking for her for an hour.

Well, for today. For...

Well, I aim to please.

Well, I never get a chance to work with people in Russia.

Well, I would say our society has too many starving artists.

Well, I'd... I'm not sure.

Well, I'm sorry, too, if I'm a little excited

Well, look, leave this to me.

Well, my kids happen to be very meaningful to me.

Well, no, but maybe you could get your own car.

Well, put it this way: I'm not getting rid of the car. Simple as that.

Well, so what if I did? That was then, but now it's over.

Well, succès.

Well, sure. Hey, no hard feelings, okay?

Well, that's nice.

Well, the cats, they spread the disease.

Well, think, you commie bastard!

Well, this is very painful for me,

Well, we're already here. We may as well see Dr. Kosevich.

Well, what about an abortion?

Well, what do you suggest we do?

Well, when we made love...

Well, yeah, nothing is foolproof.

Well, yes, he would have.

Well, you know, I was worried about you and the baby.

Well, you know, whatever.

Well...

Well... (laughs)

What ab... you mean what...

What about hygiene? You know, in the kitchen.

What about the cat?

What about you?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing?

What are you doing? Go away from here.

What could possibly be missing? Let's look at that.

What did I tell you about spitting in other people's food?

What do you mean special ways?

What do you mean, praying mantis?

What do you mean? What rough spots?

What do you mean? You have a wonderful time dating young girls.

What do you think of this? Take a look at this.

What happened to your British etiquette?

What if the baby can see?

What if your penis hit it in the head and caused brain damage or something?

What is wrong with the thing?

What kind of problem? What are you talking about?

What?

What?

What?

What? George! Are you all right?

What? Pregnant?

What? Wait there.

What's going on here, honey? I bought all that cowboy stuff.

What's the matter? Why?

Whatever happens, we can work it out.

When did you sell the Porsche?

When my first was born,

When was the first day of your last menopause?

When?

Where could he be? At some bloody doctor's party?

Where is Dr. Green?

Where is that bloody number?

Where's Dr. Green? Where's our doctor?

Whether it's now

Which is what I was.

Who spend thousands of dollars every day trying to get pregnant.

Who would do that?

Whoa!

Why change what's perfect? You know?

Why do you guys really come here?

Why would I want to have a child?

Why? What's wrong?

Wide. Wide. Okay. Okay.

Will be born on December 15.

With a woman you've never seen before in your life?

Without a family.

Without you and Gail, I just probably wouldn't be here

Woman: Brendan!

Women are spouting them out like crazy.

Would you be my wife?

Would you leave me alone? Leave me alone, you mad witch!

Would you like some help with your children?

Would you mind repeating it just so I can get it down?

Wow.

Wow. (chuckles)

Wow. That's quite a breakfast you've got there.

Wow. Yeah?

Yeah, all right.

Yeah, and is that a reason to exclude other people from the conversation?

Yeah, because if things don't change, then...

Yeah, but you're on a first name basis

Yeah, Gail's taking her out shopping and they're exercising and stuff.

Yeah, he's just probably having trouble facing it.

Yeah, I suppose it could.

Yeah, if you tell me his name, I could tell you what floor he's on.

Yeah, Marty, that's it. After all, he does have a point.

Yeah, she is. The first month was bad, crying a lot.

Yeah, that's what Gail said.

Yeah, yeah. I suppose I just thought that birth control

Yeah, yeah. What an idiot.

Yeah, you could never fit a car seat in there.

Yeah! Whoo!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, you'll just have to keep trying for a boy.

Yeah. Okay, good.

Yeah. Right. 97% effective.

Yeah. That's much better.

Yeah. What?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yep. Marty gave me a terrible deal on a big family car.

Yes, I was head of obstetrics research

Yes, I'm a psychotherapist.

Yes, it can.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. It's fine. It's fine.

Yes!

Yes! That's what I mean.

Yes.

You all right?

You bastard!

You believe Dr. Zhivago in there?

You can actually put a queen size waterbed in the back.

You can see his associate, Dr. Kosevich.

You carry him low down, like this. You know?

You certainly got your appetite back.

You cheap shit.

You did this all by yourself?

You didn't realize that you were a crashing bore.

You didn't realize that your dog was a menace.

You didn't tell me they were coming for the weekend.

You don't believe in change.

You don't care about this baby.

You don't look so good.

You get cat hair on a baby bottle, a cat can lick a baby's dish,

You gotta get on with your life.

You guys are gonna be here all weekend, right?

You guys take it easy. We'll see you around.

You have a big, beautiful girl.

You have a girl. Unless I cut the wrong cord.

You have a small pussy.

You have it.

You insult the only family you have.

You keep this up, you'll die alone, like a dog.

You know how mad she gets. No.

You know it. Bye bye.

You know, Dr. Brazelton.

You know, he just tried to sell me a new car. Can you believe that?

You know, I can do that.

You know, I'm not ready to be biologically extraneous.

You know, it's missing an arm or it's got little cauliflower ears

You know, just out of the blue, you say you're pregnant.

You know, the lip and eyes in the right spot?

You know, the... (meows)

You know? I mean, look at all this stuff.

You look like you're gonna puke or something.

You look terrible. Just terrible.

You look uncomfortable. I'm going to raise you down.

You may stay in the room, sir, if you like.

You mean the sex of the baby?

You mean we're sharing a room?

You miserable piece of dick brained horseshit!

You need a new outlook.

You need to loosen up.

You ready? Here we go. Ready?

You said it at the tennis court.

You said that this baby wouldn't change our life!

You see? Because men can't handle the pa...

You see? Breeders.

You think I got pregnant on the sly, behind your back.

You wanna dance with Mommy?

You want an ambulance?

You weak wristed nancy boy!

You weak wristed nancy boy!

You, please call the sheriff before the choppers go up.

You! Over here.

You'll see.

You're absolutely right.

You're aiming specifically at the hotel room market now, huh?

You're an asshole.

You're going to inject that thing into my wife?

You're gonna get it dirty. And God only knows what's on there.

You're just not ready to be a father.

You're like the antidote to exhilaration.

You're looking good. You're dilated to seven centimeters.

You're not the replacement doctor, are you?

You're paranoid.

You're pretty good at it, though.

You're right. It's a hotel room painting.

You're Sean's friend,

You're so beautiful. It's not bad, is it? It doesn't hurt.

You're the one! You are the one!

You're the only one I want to be the father of my children,

You're the only one I want to be the father of my children,

You're too tense.

You're too wrapped up in your own feelings to deal with this pregnancy.

You're welcome, buddy. I love you.

You've got no wife, no kids.

You've got to film your first one, 'cause that's the best, it's the bloodiest.

You've got to get that book "What to Expect When You're Expecting."

You've gotta be honest with her, you know?

Your home? This isn't your home.

Your penis coming toward it.

Your pupils aren't dilated. All right, you're okay.

(breathing heavily) Very good.

(clapping) (Sean groans)

(clinks glass) All right, everybody.

(crashes) Shit.

(groaning) (laughs)

(kids shouting) (dog barking)

(record scratches) (laughing)

(screaming) (screaming)

♪ Baby, I love you ♪ ♪ Baby, I love only you ♪

♪ Love is for you and me... ♪ No, thanks! Okay?

♪ Oh, darling... ♪ Aren't you a little old for this?

♪ Then come on... ♪ Oh, wow.

♪ We are one big family. ♪ Shut up, okay?

34. I mean...

38. "Am I ready for that responsibility?"

38. "Am I ready for that responsibility?"

Abstraction? Obstetrics, I think you mean.

Ah! ♪ Oh, darling ♪

All good. Sounds very good. Where's my husband?

All right? Great.

All right. Sorry. That's okay.

An enema? Enema?

and sewn back together. Oh, honey.

and she's just obsessed with it. Marty: It's kinda cute, really.

And she's out! (baby crying)

And the baby? I'll raise the baby.

And they're good doctors. Jesus Chr...

And your hair and your figure, in fact. Shut up.

Animals? Only rats and monkeys.

Are you all right? Excuse me, ma'am. I know CPR.

Are you all right? Excuse me, ma'am. I know CPR.

Are you all right? Yeah. Yeah. Good.

Are you nauseated? Very.

Are you serious? I don't know. I don't know.

Aren't you now? No, especially not my youth.

Asshole! You broke my camera.

Baby. Congratulations, guys.

Bec, what's his name? It's "Doctor" something, isn't it?

Bec? Hi. I'll be right there.

Both: Yes. Okay.

Brute! (grunts)

But it only seats two people. It always did.

But, you know, just drop it. Sean, he's a dick.

Can I help you, sir? I'm looking for Mr. Dwyer.

Careful with him. No lawsuit.

Check it! Check it!

Come here, you. Sweetie! Sweetie!

Come on, we got stuff to do. Thank you!

Come on. Let's go. Where are you taking me?

Completely faithful. There. See?

Did you try his home number? Yes.

Do you have that number? Yeah, it's around here somewhere.

Does Rebecca know? Yes.

Does your head hurt? Yes.

Don't upset her. I won't.

Dr. Thatcher, please. She's in there.

Drugs, yes? Yes!

Enema? No. She needs a pedicure.

Epidural, asshole! That's right!

Epitaph! She's not dead, you moron!

Four, actually, counting this one. Holy shit!

Gail took one of those amnio tests? No.

Gail: Well, it's so exciting. Marty: We're happy for you.

Get off! Sorry. (groans)

Give me a smile. What are you doing?

Go on, then! Epidural. Epidural.

Go. Yeah.

Good to see you. How you doing? Fine.

Good. Are you all right?

Good. No lawsuit. Okay.

Goodbye. Thanks.

Got it. Jesus. Here. Take this.

Have a little bit. No, no! Honey.

He did? Yes, it's parked outside.

He didn't say anything. Forget it. Bye bye.

He has a heart condition! My wife...

He started it. I'll wipe the floor with you.

He's right over there. Thanks.

Hello. Hello.

Her water's broken. I'll get the doctor for you, sir.

Here I am. (both scream)

Here you go. Thanks.

Hey, buddy. (screams)

Hey, buddy. I'm sorry.

Hey, don't push me! Okay, I beg your pardon.

Hey, guys! What the hell? Hi.

Hey, hey, Sam. Fuck!

Hey, Sean. Stephanie.

Hey, you guys! Nurse!

Hey! Hey, we did it, huh?

Hey! Where are you going?

Hey. Hey. Samuel: Sean.

Hi, honey! We'll be right with you. He is such a jerk.

Hi. (screaming)

Hi. Bec.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. So is she gonna be all right?

Hi. What a coincidence.

Higher! Yes, higher.

Honey, we gotta go. Okay.

How are you feeling? I'm okay. I've been a little tired.

How are you feeling? Okay.

How much is that? Like that. Okay? Got it?

Huh? Hmm?

I brought him back, everybody! He's okay.

I brought you back. Rebecca: Sir.

I cut my hand. Wow, that's bad.

I didn't... Hold on, I have figured it out.

I don't feel anything. No, just wait.

I don't know. I know, I know, I know.

I don't think so. Yes. Yes.

I got it. The bicycle!

I had you as a baboon. Okay. Sorry.

I heard what you said! Come on, Marty, forget it.

I hope they don't spoil your weekend. Oh, no. We'll be fine.

I know. I love you.

I know. It's really weird. I'm sorry. Marty, please. Please.

I love it when you do that. Do what?

I need some help. (both gasp)

I need something for the pain. Okay, I'll get you something.

I think so. Yeah.

I was the only single father there. Really?

I was trying to scream. Don't get up.

I was. Yeah. Right.

I'll be right back. What?

I'll get the doctor. Honey, how are you feeling?

I'll give you my number. Call me. I'd like that.

I'll stay. I'd like to stay. Very good.

I'll write you a check. No, it's fine.

I'm having chest pains. I'll call an ambulance.

I'm in love with my child. You are?

I'm not gonna buy your damn video! But the kids will love it.

I'm not the father. What?

I'm sorry about what happened. Oh, no.

I'm sorry if we're boring you, pal. Just a joke.

I'm sorry. Are you okay?

I'm sorry. Are you all right? Get me out of here.

I'm sorry. Are you all right? My leg is broken.

I'm sorry. Are you all right? You stupid son of a bitch!

I've got it! Oh, thank God.

I've got something to show you. Yeah?

Is Rebecca coming? No.

Is that the baby's heartbeat? Yeah.

Isn't it great? Get that thing off her face now!

It is your moment. This is my miracle.

It's all right, honey. I beg your pardon.

It's an incredible feeling. Yeah?

It's Doctor... This is ridiculous.

It's like magic. (chuckles)

It's my mom, honey. But your mother's dead.

It's not dog food. Oh, sorry.

It's okay, honey. Help me. Help me.

It's so exciting! All right. Congratulations.

Jesus. (Lili screams)

Jesus. Hi.

Just put him down. Sam!

Just stay back, okay? Bye bye. Bye!

Learn to drive! I'm sorry.

Let him up. Oh, sorry, buddy.

Let me give you my number. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Like it? Samuel: Yeah. Lovely.

Like this, Miss Rebecca? Look. Look at that.

Listen, Bec... Samuel...

March 11. March 11. March 11.

March 11. March 11. March 11.

Marty, hi. Hi.

Marty! Samuel!

Marty! Look who's here. Hey, look who's here!

May I help you? Yes. Rebecca Faulkner for Dr. Green.

Menopause? Menstruation.

Menstruation. Period.

Miami. Miami?

Mr. Faulkner? Yeah?

Mr. Faulkner? Yeah.

My water broke. We'll get you another.

No kidding. That'd be the reason for the crash.

No one. What?

No time for an epidural. No? Why?

No, no. Come on! All right.

No, wait. Wait. I've been thinking.

No! Don't touch anything! All right. All right.

No? Marty, we had an agreement. She's in the hospital, Sam.

No. I mean, we'd have to redecorate.

No. Yeah, right.

Now, I heard that! Heard what?

Nurse. Yes, Doctor?

Obstruction? Abstraction?

oh, and broken leg. (screams)

Oh, bloody hell. Marty: Hey, hey.

Oh, cat! Yes, we have a cat.

Oh, God! Shit, honey. I hit a guy. Come on!

Oh, hi! Hi.

Oh, hi. Hi.

Oh, hi. I'm Rebecca. Nice to see you again.

Oh, I'm not pregnant. You're not pregnant?

Oh, my God. Hi.

Oh, my God. What is wrong?

Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, right. Here. Put your hand here.

Oh, you're conscious. Yes.

Oh. But, thanks. Thanks anyway.

Oh. What's going on? Yeah, we found her.

Okay, who loves you, girls? Arnie.

Okay? Okay.

Okay. Congratulations.

Okay. You want Anastasia? What?

Or you can reschedule. Yes. Just reschedule.

Pedicure? This ain't no goddamn beauty parlor.

Penis. Penis. Yeah.

Promise? Yeah, promise.

Rats? I like a little change of scenery.

Ready in a minute. Good.

Right! That was nothing.

Rude? You think I'm rude? Yes. Yes, I do.

Sam, are you okay? All right. Fine.

Sam, please, no. Let me just explain.

Sam. I'm sorry. For a moment...

Samuel, what are you saying? Maybe I should leave you two alone.

Samuel! (gasps)

Samuel? Oh, my God.

Samuel? Yeah?

Samuel. Hang on. This is quite serious.

Samuel. Hi.

Samuel. That is going to need stitches.

Samuel. What?

See you guys! Okay.

Shannon, no hitting. Gail: Shannon.

She called you Samuel. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

She could play. No. You think so?

She doesn't want to see you. I know, I know.

She wasn't due for three weeks. I know, but it's a full moon.

She's great. You're taking good care of her?

She's just setting the table now. Do you know her?

She's not yours. She's yours. No, she's not.

Shit, we're in trouble. Oh sure, run to Mommy.

Shit! Help me.

Shit! What? What?

Shit. Yeah.

Shut up, you limey bitch! Sorry.

Silly, silly dream. Okay. You worry too much.

Sir? (knocks)

Small worms, yeah, in the... In the poop.

So long. So long.

So you gonna keep the car? Yeah, it's fine now, thanks.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Oh, my God.

Sorry. What did you say? You are rude.

Strong. Yeah.

Suddenly, it smiles. It's like... I just cannot explain it.

Tacky or what? Yeah, but he's right.

Thank you. Thanks very much. Wow. That's great.

Thanks for the ride home. Pleasure. Pleasure.

Thanks very much. Mm hmm.

Thanks. You're welcome.

That is so good. Samuel?

That lunatic is not delivering me. That's fine, he won't.

That means it's time, doesn't it? That's right, it's time.

That's a knife in the back. Yeah.

That's fine. I'm going. No, wait!

That's it! No.

That's my game. Fuck! Shit! Shit!

The baby's ready. What do you mean ready?

the big M, mariage, huh? Well, yeah.

The computer is very accurate. No, now.

The guy is rude. He's rude. Drop it.

The hospital? Yeah.

The hostess? Mm hmm.

The kids seem adorable, really. Oh, they're monsters.

The monkey doctor? He's right about the cat.

Then we've gotta go to the hospital. Right.

There is nobody else. There must be.

They eat him! Honey... what, honey?

Think so? Yeah.

This is fun, isn't it? Yeah.

This is Rebecca and Sam. Hi.

This water broke? Yeah.

Three weeks. Three weeks?

Toast time. All right.

Today? Yeah.

Toxoplasmosis. Toxoplasmosis. Thank you.

Valium's no good for her. No, for me.

Wait here for me. Yeah, right. Right.

We watch them at Christmas. Give it to me!

We won't let it change us. No.

We're gonna talk about it later. You weasel!

Well, come on! One moment. I will check it.

Well, how do you know, then? I just know.

Well, my period's 10 days late. Right.

Well, sorry. Go on.

Well, that's hideous. (laughs)

Well, you must get rid of it. What?

What a shame. Yeah.

What about his beeper? Yes. No.

What did you say? Huh?

What do I think? Yeah.

What happened to Christine? Oh, long story.

What happened to the nudes? They weren't selling.

What happened? Well...

What is it? I think that...

What is it? It moved.

What, hon? You slept with her, didn't you?

What? I found the little hairs on the bag.

What? You know, the koska.

What? Dr. Kosevich! Shit!

What's his name? His name?

What's the matter? This isn't happening. No.

What's up? Shit.

Where are you sending him? There's no time for an epidural.

Where are you taking me? Shut up, or I'll break the other leg!

Where will you go? Marty and Gail's.

Where's that? Just around the corner.

Which room is Rebecca Taylor in? 615.

While we were apart. Listen, it was completely innocent.

Who? The hostess.

Who's Captain Renaldo? Marry me. Make me your wife.

Who's the blonde? No idea.

Whoa, I got a great shot of the head. I don't give a...

Why, is there a problem? No, no. Oh, no, no.

Wow! When are you due? Yeah.

Yeah, I adore her. Okay, okay.

Yeah, she could do anything. She's got a pretty good arm.

Yeah, she's gonna be fine. Oh.

Yeah, why? Shit.

Yeah? ...we used special positions.

Yeah. Sounds great. Good to see you.

Yeah. Think of all the new positions.

Yeah. Well...

Yeah. With her?

Yeah. (grunts) Sam, I'm sorry.

Yeah. Marty Dwyer. Samuel Faulkner.

Yep. I'd have to quit my job.

Yes, I am. No.

Yes, that's it. Hey, Sam!

Yes! Uh oh.

Yes! Help! Help me.

Yes? I need to see her.

You and that pussy boyfriend. Right, you bastard!

You betrayed me. She just hit me incredibly hard.

You don't believe me. No.

You don't even have seat belts. I don't even know where the trunk is.

You don't want natural childbirth? No!

You ever been on a waterbed? I love waterbeds.

you get cat saliva everywhere. Now just wait.

You have a boy, a beautiful boy. Oh, my God.

You have a problem with that? No, no.

you have to plan ahead a little bit. 36.

You know, his parents. 32.

You know, I know you. I don't think so.

You mean the blonde? Yeah.

You mean the blonde? Yeah.

You mean you don't know? Kind of.

You scum sucking bottom feeders. Come on!

You scum sucking bottom feeders. Come on!

You see this? I know. It's great, isn't it?

You wanna dance? No.

You want to babysit for my kids? Yes! In fact, it's brilliant,

You're a great kisser and all, but... Gail: Marty, who is it?

You're lucky the engine's in the back. Right.

You're madly in love with her! Who's King Stanislaw?

You're not a simian. No, I'm not.

You're silly. Yeah.

Your car's ready now, sir. Great.

Your membership fees are due. My sister takes care of that.

"I removed the victim's brains with an ice cream scooper."

"What to Expect When You're Expecting."

(baby crying)

(baby crying)

(baby crying)

(baby giggles)

(cat yowls)

(children shouting, laughing)

(chuckles)

(doctor speaking Russian)

(doorbell rings)

(gasping)

(gasps)

(girls giggle)

(groans)

(groans)

(groans)

(groans) I'm such a...

(growls, barks)

(horn blowing)

(horn honking)

(laughing)

(laughs nervously)

(laughs)

(laughs)

(laughs)

(laughs)

(laughs) Bad joke. I'm very sorry.

(laughs) What a puss.

(machine beeping)

(moaning)

(moans)

(moans)

(muffled groaning)

(people laughing)

(Rebecca shouts)

(screaming)

(screaming)

(screaming)

(screaming)

(screaming)

(screams)

(screams) Please, don't do that.

(shouts)

(shrieks)

(shrieks) What is it?

(snaps fingers)

(sobbing)

(soft music playing)

(soft music playing)

(stammering) How long have you been working here?

(tires squealing)

(tires squealing)

(vocalizing)

(whooshing)

♪ 'Cause this is the time ♪

♪ 'Cause this is the time of your life ♪

♪ Always thinking about you... ♪

♪ Always thinking about you... ♪

♪ And a kiss goodnight ♪

♪ And if you feel ♪

♪ And leaving would be the last thing on my mind ♪

♪ And leaving would be the last thing on my mind ♪

♪ And our treasured find ♪

♪ And the song of glory ♪

♪ And though I really keep trying ♪

♪ And though I really keep trying ♪

♪ And we would have a love so divine ♪

♪ Baby, I love you ♪

♪ Baby, I love you ♪

♪ Baby, I love you ♪

♪ Baby, I love you ♪

♪ Baby, I love you ♪

♪ Baby, I love you ♪

♪ Baby, I love you ♪

♪ Baby, I love you ♪

♪ Baby, I love you ♪

♪ Baby, I love you. ♪

♪ Baby, I love you. ♪

♪ Better make it last ♪

♪ But if I had just one more try ♪

♪ But if I had the chance... ♪

♪ But the pain is getting deep ♪

♪ By the sparkling river ♪

♪ By the sparkling river... ♪

♪ Can't sleep at night ♪

♪ Can't sleep at night ♪

♪ Come on, baby ♪

♪ Come on, baby ♪

♪ Come on, baby ♪

♪ Come on, baby ♪

♪ Come on, baby ♪

♪ Crying freedom ♪

♪ Don't even know what questions to ask ♪

♪ Don't fool with it ♪

♪ Don't fool with it ♪

♪ Don't have no answers ♪

♪ Don't think about the future ♪

♪ Don't think about the future ♪

♪ Don't think about the past ♪

♪ Don't think about the past ♪

♪ Don't waste it ♪

♪ Don't waste it ♪

♪ Girl, I need you. ♪

♪ Have I ever told you ♪

♪ Have I ever told you ♪

♪ His timely grace ♪

♪ How good it feels to hold you? ♪

♪ How good it feels to hold you? ♪

♪ I can't help it if I feel this way ♪

♪ I can't live without you ♪

♪ I love everything about you ♪

♪ I love to hear you call my name ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ I think I may start crying ♪

♪ I think I may start crying ♪

♪ I want my arms around you ♪

♪ I would be wishing today on a four leaf clover ♪

♪ I would be wishing today on a four leaf clover ♪

♪ I would be yours alone ♪

♪ I would turn back the hands of time ♪

♪ I'm better off saying nothing ♪

♪ I'm looking down on the rooftops ♪

♪ I'm lost if I don't see myself in your eyes ♪

♪ I'm so lonely without you ♪

♪ I'm so lonely without you ♪

♪ I've been really trying, baby ♪

♪ If I could turn back the hands of time ♪

♪ If I could turn back the hands of time ♪

♪ If I could turn back the hands of time ♪

♪ If I could turn back the hands of time ♪

♪ If I could turn back the hands of time ♪

♪ If I could turn back the hands of time ♪

♪ If I could turn back the hands of time ♪

♪ If I could turn back the hands of time... ♪

♪ In the night ♪

♪ Into wine, all right ♪

♪ Into wine. ♪

♪ It isn't easy to explain ♪

♪ It isn't easy to explain ♪

♪ Let's get it on ♪

♪ Let's get it on ♪

♪ Let's get it on ♪

♪ Let's love, baby ♪

♪ Like I feel, baby ♪

♪ Mmm, remember, girl ♪

♪ My heart can't wait another day ♪

♪ My heart can't wait another day ♪

♪ Of the one magician ♪

♪ Of the one magician ♪

♪ Of your life ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Oh, come on, whoo ♪

♪ Oh, darling ♪

♪ Oh, I'm so glad I found you ♪

♪ Oh, tell me that you feel the same ♪

♪ Oh, the hurt keeps getting stronger ♪

♪ Oh, the radiant heart ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, your smiling face ♪

♪ Oo whee, baby ♪

♪ Oo whee, baby ♪

♪ Please, baby ♪

♪ Please, baby ♪

♪ Sugar, let's get it on ♪

♪ Than telling you lies ♪

♪ That I love you ♪

♪ The changes are coming too fast ♪

♪ The time ♪

♪ There is no past ♪

♪ There is no past ♪

♪ There is only future ♪

♪ There's just this moment ♪

♪ There's just this moment ♪

♪ There's only here ♪

♪ There's only here ♪

♪ There's only now ♪

♪ There's only now... ♪

♪ There's only the future ♪

♪ These are the days ♪

♪ These are the days ♪

♪ These are the days of the endless summer ♪

♪ These are the days, the time is now ♪

♪ These are the days. ♪

♪ This is the love ♪

♪ This is the love ♪

♪ This is the time of your life ♪

♪ This is the time of your life ♪

♪ This is the time of your life ♪

♪ This is the time of your life ♪

♪ This is the time of your life ♪

♪ This is the time, baby ♪

♪ Trying to hold back this feeling for so long... ♪

♪ Trying to ride out the fire ♪

♪ Turn the water ♪

♪ Turned the water ♪

♪ Until the day I die ♪

♪ What you gonna do with it? ♪

♪ What you gonna do with it? ♪

♪ What you gonna do with it? ♪

♪ When you kiss me I've just got to say ♪

♪ When you kiss me I've just got to say ♪

♪ Whoa oh, whoa oh oh oh ♪

♪ Whoa oh, whoa oh oh oh ♪

♪ Whoo hoo... ♪

♪ Yeah, you better get it right ♪

♪ You better face it ♪

♪ You better face it ♪

♪ You better get it right ♪

♪ You better make it last ♪

♪ Your gracious presence... ♪