Hamlet 2 Edit

A little boy

A Mexican boy, lives by his wits.

A penny for your thoughts.

A sequel to Hamlet by Shakespeare?

A slip noose hanging in my darkest dreams

About the vitality of shared experience.

Abso fucking lutely.

Ah! My eyes!

All night long

All night long

All night long

All night long

All night long

All night long

All night long

All night long

All right, mystery man.

All right, we're back on track!

All right.

All right. I'll come.

All the arts programs are on the chopping block.

All the terrorists would just kill themselves.

Also known as never.

Also stars Glenne Headley.

Altar bound, hypnotized

Altar bound, hypnotized

Am I fat?

Am I shooting blanks?

And a terrible person! Oh, really?

And all its trials.

And all the seniors are gonna be like security

And B, where are my pants and underwear?

And because we live on the poor side of town

And butterflies are free to fly

And butterflies are free to fly

And could never get a decent agent,

And didn't finish your sentence.

And he's definitely not using Shakespearean language,

And I feel like Nicolas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas.

And I forgive you.

And I got a call from one of Elton John's people,

And I like taking care of people.

And I started on anti depressants

And I thank you for giving me back my smile.

And I'm gonna put on my top hat,

And I'm guessing zero is the number

And I'm much more comfortable with my sexuality.

And it will always be too tight.

And it's all about being a fucking celebrity now.

And it's one more beer and I don't hear you anymore

And just blowing his brains out?

And kick the asses of anyone who tries to stop this play.

And let's face it, we're not producing any Oscar winners here.

And look how much work it takes,

And next thing you know, we're in show business.

And now it all goes out the window because of him?

And please take this opportunity to turn off all cell phones.

And put on your crazy ass play,

And she's dancing like she's never danced before

And shop and arts and crafts, and drama was the only elective left.

And show me some form of identification.

And so am I.

And start doing commercials again.

And start making some real money.

And steaming piles of shit flying left and right.

And the gay thing, I just thought you'd be more comfortable...

And the rent's due on Thursday.

And the role has also been reduced significantly.

And the violence is getting a little too real for me,

And there isn't any money,

And there was a message from this guy at the New York Times.

And there was still time on the meter.

And turns out we are very compatible.

And we can't forget to mention The golden rule

And we cannot be stopped!

And we said, "Shit, we got some wire,

And we stopped smoking weed Well, at least not as much

And we're also sold out.

And we're moving out now.

And when things get a little rough, you act like a fucking pussy?

And while he's one of the more spiritual people on Earth,

And wish all my troubles into a cornfield.

And you accidentally grazed my boob

And you call me a drunk?

And you can't take that form back,

And you turned him down?

And, "You're a loser."

And, yes, he does have a real set of low hangers.

Another gem of an insight from Gary.

Any creative person will tell you,

Any of that shit ring a bell?

Anyone tell what kind of animal Rand is?

Anything is better than this.

Anyway, I know we're broke and that we needed a roommate,

Anyway, there's a real shortage of nurses out there,

Anyway, to Dana.

Apologies, the Snackatorium is no longer available, regrettably, because

Apologies.

Are my testicles an empty tank?

Are people still walking out?

Are you going to be all right?

Are you okay?

Are you on my side? Yes.

Are you sending me to the gas chamber?

Are you shitting me?

Are you tired? Overweight?

Art is happening.

Artistic integrity!

As if the air was perfumed with possibility.

As in cutting edge. All righty!

As long as he keeps his mouth shut. Anyway.

As long as we have enthusiasm.

At the sperm doctor on Wednesday.

At this point, it felt to Dana

Awesome.

Because he caused me so much pain,

Because he inspired you?

Because he, like I, believed that theater has the power,

Because I don't get paid for this job.

Because I'm too excited.

Because no matter where you go,

Because of its unwholesome content,

Beer, liquor, dope, coke, meth, chicks with dicks, then jail.

Before I have security, a.k.a. the 2nd Avenue Angels,

Believe it!

Better never than late.

Blasphemy! Blasphemy!

Blasphemy! Go back to your seat.

Breathe!

Brie, I would never judge you.

Brie, I'm starting to think you are not a very nice person.

Brights!

Bruised, but not broken.

But 7 Elevens are not as vulnerable as they used to be.

But also the audience.

But dreams are ephemeral, and sometimes impossible.

But he also has a gift.

But he really knows what he's doing.

But he's also got abs that transcend space and time

But he's got a swimmer's bod like nobody do

But I believe that.

But I really think it's sexy when he kicks Satan's ass

But I shall not be deterred.

But I still get anxious around ethnics.

But I swear to God, I can't live like this anymore.

But if you're shooting blanks, I swear to God,

But it's still disrespectful.

But it's supposed to be intermission now.

But just as Icarus flew high on wings of wax,

But most of the time he was serious.

But she takes pills.

But that doesn't mean you give up.

But the dude's got lats that make me feel gay

But the fates had long ago deigned

But totally not disappointed.

But we got shit to do.

But why now?

But why? You're my wife.

But you could say, like Hamlet's ghost, I'm still haunted by him.

But you know the only reason that we're here, right,

But you look a lot like my favorite actress of all time, Elisabeth Shue.

But you really look like her.

But you'd never know it.

But, I'm gonna talk about all the insecurity and the self Ioathing,

But, seriously, you gotta let your balls breathe, okay?

But, you're doing this at school with the kids, right?

But... And so, what about funding for drama next trimester?

By unlocking the power of natural juice

Can I get a virgin strawberry, please?

Can I talk to you, please, privately?

Can I use your bathroom?

Can suck a bag of dicks,

Can suck my balls.

Can we not share this space in peace?

Can we please wait until lunch to do that?

Can you get the... Thanks.

Can you tell me how

Can you tell me how he deals with all the

Cancel how?

Careful, Brie. You know how you get.

Cases with controversy and headlines

Changing movement into light

Channel 5 is coming.

Check these out. They're all

Christ in a basket, Dana. That's too tight.

Class, thoughts?

Combined with my wife's intense desire to get pregnant,

Come closer.

Come here, boy.

Come on, guys. I said no drinking.

Come on, let's go hang with the gang.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Coming.

Compared to Tucson.

Completely. Forever.

Consider yourself served.

Could we talk more?

Could you not even Google her?

Cricket Feldstein, American Civil Liberties Union.

Damn it, listen to me good

Dana Marschz's wavering consciousness

Dana Marsha?

Dana? Dana? Hey, I need some money.

Dana.

Dana.

Dana. I have had, hands down,

Dangerous Minds,

Dead Poets Society, starring... What's your name?

Decided to cancel drama.

Did anyone pick drama as a first choice?

Did Rand give it to you?

Did you do something different with your hair today?

Did you just say "hand job"?

Did you know that?

Did you see this article in the paper?

Didn't you hear what I just said?

Didn't you, dear?

Do I need to sign anything?

Do it!

Do it.

Do unto others as you would have them

Do unto you!

Do you believe that?

Do you think he realizes that every time he wears a dress

Do you think I should be writing more of my own material?

Do you wish you could look and feel young again? You can!

Doctor! Oh, my God!

Does anybody know what this means?

Doesn't everybody die at the end of the first one?

Doesn't make them gang bangers. Got it?

Don't ask me how I know that.

Don't do it!

Don't do that to my friend!

Don't fuck with me, homey! I'll cut you.

Don't make me do this.

Don't you call me a bitch! Hey, simmer down.

Drama has been cancelled.

Eat shit and die, you tramp.

Eight is the age of my son.

Electric and phone bills are right there,

Elisabeth Shue, get up here.

Elisabeth Shue, is she real?

Elisabeth Shue.

Entirely beside the point.

Epiphany?

Even if we have to take on the whole ghetto.

Every time I try to go for something,

Every trimester we get fisted by this guy!

Everybody deserves a second chance!

Everyone, keep going!

Everything is out of control.

Except Gary and I are together, and we're a couple,

Excuse me for a second.

Excuse me, I'm sorry to be so forward,

Excuse me, Mr. Marschz.

Excuse me! Excuse me, but they're off book,

Excuse us.

Feeding the small chute.

Feline good.

Figures.

Finally! Now you can go back to your job at Rite Aid

Fine.

First of all, acid is a very strong drug,

Five more seconds.

Fly away

Fly away, bye bye

For a controversial piece of socio political agit prop theater?

For instance, ten. That's how many months old my baby girl is.

For more racial understanding,

For the school district and paramedics.

Forget about the money right now.

Free speech is alive and well in Tucson,

From a dairy farm in Manitoba,

From an organization called AA.

From Denmark 400 years ago?

Fuck!

Gary and I have been getting closer for a while now,

Gary has a car.

Gary, let's go.

Get away from me, you devil bitches.

Getting drunk and beating up on a little boy?

Give me your number.

Glenn, we've done it!

Go Mustangs!

God awful crap that's handed out to him without

God, I almost believe you.

God, I really have a tough time speaking in front of people.

God.

Goddamn gravel! The bane of my existence!

Goddamn macho bastards and their fear of the arts.

Good luck with the play.

Good luck.

Good morning, class.

Good, because if I had to give up booze,

Got a question for Ms. Shue?

Got it!

Grain alcohol.

Great observation there, Gary.

Great, let's do it! Okay then.

Great!

Hamlet 2?

Hamlet 2?

Hang on, I'm going to run myself a big bath.

Happy you finally succeeded in taking me down?

Happy? Huh?

Have you ever considered doing a play

He acts like a huge dumbass,

He can't hear his music. Imagine that?

He could have turned everything around.

He could have turned everything around.

He died for our sins You got to believe us

He died for our sins You've got to believe us

He does lighting and stuff like that. See Vitamin J,

He does?

He got stuck inside my time machine.

He lays down science, really blows my mind

He made me hit him.

He once gave me a ride to my bus stop.

He said, "No way."

He should buy some underwear.

He thinks he's going to save drama with this play.

He traveled through time in an awesome custom van

He was supposed to be here two hours ago.

He won't even let me be in it, and I'm his girlfriend.

He works for gas money?

He would have to market himself like a celebrity.

He's a gang banger. A deadbeat.

He's a pussy.

He's about to go through the center of the Sun.

He's also very attractive to you.

He's attractive to me?

He's dead now,

He's flashing his balls at us?

He's got a 3.9 and an early acceptance to Brown.

He's not bipolar. He's a freak.

He's not gay. He's bi curious.

He's not right in the head.

He's so much more powerful than any other actor I've...

He's the son of God, and I think that's cool

He's totally the man The man with the plan

He's walking on water!

Hell, we could do that.

Hello, Gary.

Help him up.

Help me fix my play!

Here.

Hey, are you mad at me?

Hey, check this out.

Hey, Dana.

Hey, don't forget. We have an A P P O l N T M E N T

Hey, dumbass!

Hey, gang, what's up?

Hey, guys, I'm Groucho Marx.

Hey, guys, thanks a lot for donating your wire work services.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, mister, un serve me!

Hey, hey, just because they're Latinos

Hey, I'm just trying to be friendly.

Hey, I've learned a lesson here, but I hope you all have, too.

Hey, it's done.

Hey, it's Mr. M. Hi!

Hey, look, I'm sorry, okay?

Hey, M. Hey.

Hey, Max. Hey.

Hey, mister.

Hey, Mr. M. New York's pretty cool.

Hey, Mr. Marschz.

Hey, Mr. Marschz. What?

Hey, my buddy's meth lab burned down.

Hey, Noah Sapperstein.

Hey, the reviews are in.

Hey, there's no delicate way of saying this except...

Hey, we got the TVs.

Hey, we got you another mango iced tea.

Hey, well, why don't I take you out to dinner to apologize for my rudeness?

Hey, what would happen if you have a drink?

Hey, what's cheap and strong?

Hey, you fucking bastards!

Hey, you get off school property in the next 10 seconds

Hey, you little thing. Come on.

Hey!

Hey! Guess what I've got!

Hey.

Hey. Hi.

Heywood Jablomey.

Heywood, it's late and my wife is ovulating.

Heywood, that was very powerful.

Heywood.

Heywood...

Heywood's a bad boy.

Hi. I just want to say I think your make up is pretty.

His holiest of ways Ain't never gonna leave us

His moralistic ways Totally ease us

His name is Jesus Christ.

His zen zing zang is gonna appease us

Hmm?

Hold on! Okay.

How about six?

How are you supposed to get to know me, sunshine?

How can you say that if you haven't seen it?

How did you get the balls to do that?

How do you keep your head held high when people keep throwing

How to set our souls free And do all the shit we should

Huh?

I am revoking permission for my son to appear tonight.

I am, too.

I am? What is it?

I believe that with every fiber of my being.

I can't believe this is happening to me.

I can't do the play.

I can't get pregnant.

I could be a flaming ass crack.

I could go for some nachos.

I could put you away for a year, you fire fucker.

I couldn't be happier for all his success.

I don't care to see my son used as a political pawn!

I don't care.

I don't have a drink.

I don't know what it means, but I think it's the best set I've ever seen.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. I thought maybe I could work through my grief in song.

I don't like airing our personal business

I don't lose it when I...

I don't want to spend time with you.

I don't want your pity.

I feel like I'm in a cage.

I feel like I've been ****d.

I feel so connected to you. Yes, I do.

I feel, for the first time, I can make a genuine difference.

I felt this electric charge!

I forgive you, Father!

I forgive you.

I forgive you. Father, I forgive you.

I forgive you. I forgive you.

I get a little nervous.

I got the chip on my keychain to prove it,

I got the mind to put you through that wall.

I gotta go clean the hamster cages.

I had so much fun making out with all those cute actors.

I had to spend some time with the lawyers

I hate you, you stupid, fat fucker!

I have a device.

I have a PhD in literature.

I have access to the activities van.

I have so much anger.

I have the first act and reams of notes in my inspiration box.

I have to be a part of it.

I have to elevate it.

I have to go back to work.

I have to say something, guys.

I have to take exception to that characterization.

I have to tell you something.

I haven't bought an item of clothing in over 10 years

I heard everything. I heard everything!

I heard that, man.

I heard the play was disgusting.

I just don't even care.

I just don't want anything to change.

I just get scared.

I just got that.

I just wondered why in Hamlet 1 everybody has to die.

I just wondered why in Hamlet 1 everybody has to die.

I just, you know, got kind of sick of the business, you know?

I know the topic of **** isn't nice

I know, I know.

I liked you better when you were an uptight racist bitch.

I mean, make a real difference.

I mean, that's just disrespectful.

I mean, were you just paralyzed with awe?

I mean, your portrayal of Bottom

I miss kissing. In love scenes.

I never realized the passing hours of evening showers

I pick cases that I can win because I wanna win big.

I put a lot of myself into my work.

I re watched a fantastic movie last night,

I really do feel like a sexual victim

I really think Mr. Marschz is bipolar.

I regret it now, but what a fun bunch of guys.

I saw it on the Discovery Channel.

I say funny stuff.

I seriously, seriously wish you would start drinking again.

I should have said something.

I simply go through the motions

I stole it from Starbucks.

I think blue makes people sad.

I think I need a quesadilla. Immediamente!

I think it's going terrific.

I think my heart soul is falling from grace

I think that your enthusiasm is remarkable.

I think the play's gonna be really good.

I think we have a First Amendment case on our hands, Mr. Marashka.

I think we shouldn't pass on this gene pool.

I think when all is said and done,

I think you need to take a look at it.

I thought Octavio was amazing.

I thought you were just having a nervous meltdown.

I wanna party with you, Jesus.

I wanna preserve the original cast.

I want to

I want you out of this community.

I want you to meet a friend of mine.

I was a dealer, not a pusher.

I was an extra in an Al Jazeera TV movie.

I was just thinking about all those voices saying, "You can't do it,"

I was molested as a child.

I was quite taken with your play.

I was thinking, what if me and my whoadies

I was very moved when Hamlet forgave his father.

I wasn't ready.

I will never not hug this unborn baby!

I will take that! I will take it!

I work for gas money, which is why I skate.

I would do anything... I'd do chores.

I would love it if you hit me.

I would love to get your notes.

I would love to go home.

I would love to stay and hear this.

I'd be happy to play Laertes as bi curious.

I'd blow my brains out living in this shit sack city.

I'd clean your rain gutters.

I'd like to see your Bottom.

I'll get everyone a snack.

I'll show you why, vato.

I'm a short blond chick, but I play to the death.

I'm actually a nurse now.

I'm afraid we don't have rain gutters.

I'm doing this play for my own reasons.

I'm freaking out.

I'm going to inspire this year.

I'm going to stab you to death in your sleep.

I'm gonna go back to dealing pot, I swear...

I'm having a herpes outbreak right now.

I'm here for her. I'm here for her.

I'm in the wrong place.

I'm just kidding.

I'm just so surprised that one of you people can act.

I'm like... My brain is like mush.

I'm not doing carbs, but maybe they have a salad or something.

I'm not getting any of this.

I'm not interested in this monkey spunk play. Come on!

I'm not punching a guy in a dress.

I'm pregnant.

I'm simultaneously horrified and fascinated.

I'm so sick and tired of you, Epiphany.

I'm sorry about my husband.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm sorry, son.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Sorry about that.

I'm still a little drunk.

I'm strangled by your haunted social scene

I'm such a dick.

I'm suing everybody!

I'm trying to save drama!

I'm way more nervous than you.

I'm with the New York Times.

I'm working on an original play.

I've been going to a shrink five days a week

I've got a little something something.

I've got a real tough nut to crack.

I've heard the word "shit" before.

If I kick this trash can...

If I'm lost then I'll squeal It's a pretty raw deal

If it's the sex and violence, I can totally tone that down.

If we use my time machine, then we could save thy sister, thy father,

If you are moved by tonight's work,

If you don't have a ticket, get the fuck out of my face.

If you don't like this class, get out.

If you should dare not to keep it

If you sign a consent form, that means you're giving consent.

If you're wondering about the Feldstein, I married a Jew.

Immaculate conception really makes my day

In A Midsummer Night's Dream. A Midsummer Night's Dream.

In front of you know who, Gary,

In Hollywood, you pretty much have to swim in it.

In looking at my relationship with my father.

In my prayer circle, I've been praying

In regards to this performance?

In that crotch of yours. What?

In the face!

In the real time world no one sees her at all

Inspirational...

Inspired me to take some bold steps

Into the body of a freaking little drama critic.

Is because there's asbestos in the portable classrooms,

Is blue the right color

Is he acting?

Is it all a ruse when I go kergluge?

Is it because of my resistance to these gang bangers?

Is it true that Jeremy effing Irons wanted to do your play

Is Jesus, like, a swimmer?

Is that the purpose of your plays?

Is that why you are so quick to decline

Is this guy for real?

Isn't that a question every artist must ask himself?

It can cut you like a knife

It doesn't matter how much talent we lack,

It doesn't matter.

It gave me a little insight into your character, Mr. Tough Guy.

It has a bidet.

It is nice.

It is to embody the dreams of man.

It really helped out a lot.

It takes a real set of low hangers, mister.

It was dramatic. It was visual.

It was gangster.

It was poison!

It was stupid, but it was also theater.

It was stupid.

It was?

It will always be better than Tucson.

It would be that you don't get to make out with your patients.

It's 4.00 in the morning

It's a figure of speech.

It's a kaftan, my friend.

It's a parting embrace before the moment of damnation.

It's a piece I've been working on.

It's a really kickass sunny day outside today, man.

It's about my childhood.

It's about my troubled relationship with my father.

It's called Hamlet 2.

It's fantastic.

It's free. Wake up.

It's fricking exciting having Elisabeth Shue in class.

It's from Ethiopia.

It's in that pamphlet I read.

It's inappropriate. I'm sorry. It's just...

It's irrelevant.

It's just until I, you know, get an agent

It's like he's giving me hope.

It's like my father got reincarnated

It's like...

It's Marschz. You really think so?

It's my understanding that there are forces

It's not a good idea.

It's not broken and, yes, I will still be able

It's not so bad. I mean, Gary has a car.

It's nuclear war!

It's okay. It's Marschz, by the way.

It's ridiculous. But I love it.

It's strawberry.

It's stupid to compare.

It's such a downer! I mean, if Hamlet had had just a little bit of therapy,

It's the award for theater.

It's the celestial message.

It's the play Mr. Marschz wrote.

It's totally.

It's true, Papa. I done saw it.

It's very thoughtful.

It's what's best for the play.

It's written by a buddy of mine, you may have heard of him,

It's... And the corduroy has got to go, especially with the skating.

Jack Wiggum, please.

Jack, it's Elisabeth. I'm ready to act again.

Jean Paul, the crew, Burning Man, the lunar cycle, yeah.

Jesus Christ!

Jesus H. Christ!

Jesus has a rocking swimmer's bod.

Jesus has a swimmer's body,

Jesus is sexy to you. Which leads us on to the musical interlude,

Jesus is very lean...

Jesus Jones! Rocker's changed the locks.

Jesus kicks the devil's ass.

Jesus, come on.

Jesus.

Just a pawn out played by a dominating queen

Just a steel town girl on a Saturday night

Just in case we have any trouble, you know what I'm saying?

Just kidding. Hope I'm not freaking you out.

Just like my cousin.

Just like that wonderful film Master and Commander,

Just wake up, okay?

Keeps my balls at room temp. Now, do it.

Kicks Satan's ass!

Kicks Satan's ass!

Lacking energy?

Last night, the school board, which is facing major financial cuts,

Lay a hand on him, and I will make you regret it.

Leave me to the vultures.

Led him to believe that he was leaving this Earth

Left you a protein shake in the fridge.

Let go of me! Hey, hands off!

Let me give you a piece of my mind.

Let me see.

Let me show you the way out.

Let there be light.

Let's go around and find out why drama is suddenly so popular.

Let's go to work.

Let's hear it.

Let's just say that when you get to the scene

Let's just say, it's new and different.

Let's talk about this.

Like a cheap hooker at a gang bang.

Like to see my what?

Like, all the tickets were bought.

Listen up, guy. I've seen your plays.

Listen, listen, I've given my life to this class,

Locking rhythms to the beat of her heart

Look, all I'm saying is,

Look, I have a life plan, and it does not include you.

Look, I thought you should know as soon as possible.

Look, it's about if Jesus came to Earth in modern times,

Look, the county and the school district are in fiscal crisis.

Look, they throw parties here.

Look, you've been so busy with your play, and these things happen.

Look. I studied French at Vassar.

Looking for the fight of her life

Man, that's some racist shit right there.

Man, you keep talking about making us extraordinary.

Man, you need to be careful.

Mango iced tea is my kryptonite.

Maniac on the floor

Marschz?

Marschz?

Marschz? Yeah.

Marschz.

Marschz.

Marschz.

Marschz.

Marschz. Yes?

Maybe he's out shopping for a dress.

Maybe I can get him to run me over with it.

Maybe it is. No, it's not.

Maybe it's better that I just...

Maybe it's buried emotions

Maybe that's why I'm so angry.

Maybe you'd stop being such a pinche joto.

Meyerschz? Yeah, I need a copy of your insurance card.

Minimal.

Moralistically, he taught us to be good

Morning, Dana.

Morning, Gary.

Mostly left. How's that sound?

Mr. M,

Mr. M, are you okay?

Mr. M, you're not getting it.

Mr. M!

Mr. M!

Mr. M? Oh, my God!

Mr. Marashka?

Mr. Marschz,

Mr. Marschz, have you seen our new class yet?

Mr. Marschz, these guys are drunk.

Mr. Marschz!

Mr. Marschz? Are you okay?

Mr. Marschza? It's Marschz.