Hubie Halloween Edit

A guy from your neck of the woods.

A luncheon at the, uh, Captain's Table on Foster Street. Thank you.

A question. How would I go about getting the information to you?

A werewolf.

A wise decision.

Abort. The killer's cell phone is in your house!

About an hour ago, I got a strange report

Actually, I had a good time with you guys after all.

Actually, I think she might have a little something for you, Hubie.

After I laughed it off as usual, I got a call from the kid's mother.

Ah, Officer Steve. You always had it going on.

Ah! No! Ah!

Ah! Oh!

Ah! The dead speak!

Ah.

Ah...

Ain't nobody say nothin' 'bout your big ass mama.

All right, Blake. I got it. Thank you.

All right, guys. Take care. I'll miss you.

All right, we gotta get these guys back to the mental institution.

All right!

All right.

All right. First of all, we're not gonna use code names.

All right. It's here if you want it.

All right. Let's go see if we can get ourselves a confession.

Almost, like, an hour now.

Also, happy Valentine's Day.

Also…

Always thinking of everyone else, never thinking of yourself.

Always thinking of everyone else, never thinking of yourself.

Always, Hubie.

Am I your special someone, Mom?

And a few blocks over, we got a street fair.

And all other related Halloween activities.

And all the candy that was part of the tower before it collapsed,

And also, Lambert's real name is Nick Hudson. Yeah. Walter Lambert

And didn't you testify against him, Steve?

And enjoy the last half hour of Halloween under the covers.

And every time I walk into a room, I feel silly.

And frequent caller, Hubie Dubois. And have a safe and fun time.

And happy Halloween.

And have your costumes all picked out.

And he responds with humor and... and kindness.

And I am so proud at how hard you work

And I got a lot of real issues on my plate.

And I just haven't been myself these past few days.

And I know he would get a great chuckle out of this.

And I look like a California raisin?

And I love the Wicked Witch costume. It's classic.

And I think we are gonna dehydrate. Let's break that up.

And I think you've been eating too many of your own boogers, Dan.

And I wanna press your face against that radiator!

And I was gonna take poor Peanut

And I'm not gonna let no high school peckerhead jeopardize that.

And if you get dirt on my good funeral shoes again,

And it's gonna be a great day in Salem. Right, Jenna Thomas?

And it's October 31st, which is a special day across the country,

And it's pretty obvious. What are you guys doing for Halloween?

And just hope that whoever you cuddling isn't a madman.

And lock this door! No matter what, don't answer it!

And looks like we're neighbors.

And my mom's at work, so I kind of run the house when she's gone.

And my son did her one better. He just saved four ungrateful jackasses.

And now, Wake Up Boston's Tracy Phillips is live with the Mayor of Salem,

And Red Riding Hood.

And she asked to dedicate a special song to Hubie.

And since I struck out with you, I'm gonna take it out on him.

And so, another Halloween has come to Salem.

And stay out!

And that is a boner on my part.

And that word is…

And the cutest couple would have been Violet and Hubie.

And the cutest couple would have been Violet and Hubie.

And the driver was...

And the most important thing is

And the one and only Mr. Walter Lambert.

And then he bit me, and I became a werewolf.

And then I heard poor Peanut make a God awful squeal.

And this is chicken gumbo with a hair dryer.

And watch out for all kinds of freaky things

And watch out. It's always the quiet ones who get the most naughty.

And we all need that special someone.

And what's the code word again? Over.

And why am I doing that?

And why would God do this to such good people?

And you drop that log right here.

And you gotta love the old school ghost you got working over there.

And you know what that means. Halloween in Salem is in full effect.

And you're expecting some pretty impressive crowds here this evening.

And you're in my world now.

And your butt just made some room.

And… action!

And… today, did you...

Announce yourself!

Answer the door if it's a trick or treater.

Any idea of someone who might have a thing for you, or…

Anyone in town who seems like they might actually enjoy talking to you.

Anyway, I saw something earlier.

Anyway, we came over here to tell you that there's no lost kid.

Anyway, you take care, Hubie. All right?

Are here to make sure that kids without parents end up with a mom anyways.

Are those pee stains?

Are we even going the right way?

Are you a human being, or are you a moon crazed beast

Are you here to protect me from this weirdo man that's trying to hit on me?

Are you hittin' on me?

Are you still mad at me?

As a trained volunteer, I've been asked to initiate spot checks.

As in, secretly dropping by the corn maze earlier tonight?

As you can see, we're already setting up our world famous Halloween parade.

As you know, I'm a longtime listener, and I always respect the advice you give

Asshole!

Attention, first through sixth graders.

Attention, haunted house patrons.

Aurora?

AUU stands for "Auxiliary Undercover Unit."

Baby, this is Hubie Dubois.

Bad news, gang.

Be careful today.

Be careful, guys! Safety first!

Bearded, human ogre when I could have been with you.

Because a fine young man was abducted under my watch.

Because I'm not gonna tell her that you're out here playing Romeo

Because if so, that is incredibly sick.

Before you go?

Blake, I need you to go out to 59 Elm.

Boners that I wish I could get back now.

Boo!

Boo!

Boo!

Boobie! What are you doing?

Boy, that nickname spread like warm peanut butter.

Boy, that was quite a tumble you took there, fella.

Burn him!

Buster, my baby!

But do you have any silver bullets?

But Hubie uses big words, and they come out so natural for him.

But I guess that's why you're a hero.

But I guess that's why you're a hero.

But I happen to be an excellent listener if you want to, you know,

But I think you guys got a connection problem.

But I was going to get popcorn earlier,

But it doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to deduce malicious intent.

But it's given me time to be introspective.

But most especially in Salem, America's unofficial Halloween capital.

But now I know that you're ready to spread your wings and fly without me.

But remember, you cannot contact us, no matter how dire the emergency.

But Salem needs me.

But sounds like a good idea to cuddle up with someone special

But that don't mean the fun stops for all of us.

But the spooky preparations are in full swing around here.

But the spooky vibes are gettin' heavy, baby.

But then I cried in my squad car for about half an hour.

But there was a commotion, and I did not ignore it. And...

But there's a situation going on here!

But this year, you're gonna have to find that bravery that's deep within you.

But to me,

But tonight, I have failed massively.

But we must stay out of the danger zone.

But what has to be done, has to be done.

But what he does have is hope.

But what if I can't get her to confess? Over.

But what kid would wanna pet a pig that look like that?

But you can sprinkle some on top of your cereal.

But, my little Halloweenies, we can all still celebrate

By the way, I wanted to say that I'm sorry

By the way, my mom was talking about you tonight.

Bye, guys! Bye bye!

Call the hotline.

Called home. None of 'em picked up.

Can one of you tell me why?

Can you guys stop kissing and check out our costumes?

Can you help me down?

Can you trace it now?

Can't believe I don't have a compass on my thermos.

Catch this!

Catching some Z's, huh?

Code word is pumpkin.

Coffee?

Come here!

Come on over here and let me punch your mom in the face!

Come on, baby.

Come on! Come on!

Come to me.

Coming from my house, it's nothing to be concerned about.

Condolences, by the way.

Cooky!

Could any of you take the abuse you dish out to my Hubie?

Could it be because you feel threatened?

Could not have happened to a nicer woman.

Could you possibly point me in the direction of this strange vehicle?

Could you say the same?

Cut your gizzards off. That's what I should do.

Dad? Is that you?

Damn him and his hope!

Dan, Louise, let's table this discussion for a moment, okay?

Danger is afoot.

Danielle!

Danielle! Cooky!

Danielle! Mom isn't home yet, and I can't find Tommy. I'm scared.

David Benson, and... Tracy, you went with Harley Quinn, too?

Did anybody get...

Did that darn skeleton frighten you again, Hubie?

Did that turn you on?

Did that turn you on?

Did we just fall for the old Frankenstein trick?

Did you go pee pee while you sleepy, huh?

Did you hear about the Andersons?

Did you hear anything or see anything unusual last night?

Did you lose your thermos or some shit?

Did you make a messy?

Did you see how scared Scooby was when that car started moving?

Did you send backup to my residence to have eyes on my mother? Over.

Did you suddenly get cool?

Did you try to show me just how much you love me?

Didn't I see you on Union Street a couple of hours ago trick or treating?

Dig in.

Disrespectful?

Do not be fearful, little one!

Do you know the quickest way to Wallace Orchard?

Do you like him?

Do you understand me, Tommy? That's why I'm putting this family on lockdown.

Does Mom know you're still alive?

Don't call me.

Don't do this to me. Hubie, I'll be your friend forever!

Don't kill me.

Don't worry, we'll find Tommy.

Dude, I would never even consider your sister in that way.

Ears are in open position.

Eat some shit!

Eh, my whole life.

Eighty five percent of the tourism dollars spent in this town

Even though this is Halloween, and even though I know this is...

Even to those who are being cruel to you.

Everybody knows who he is.

Ew!

Excuse me, excuse me, Bride of Skankenstein. Yeah, thank you.

Excuse me, sir?

Excuse me. Smokers for chokers.

Father Dave. My childhood friend, Richie Hartman.

Fifty Nine Elm Street. Check on it.

First off, there's no salary.

First, Mike Mundi. Now, Mr. Landolfa.

For my attitude yesterday at the deli counter.

Frankenstein!

Frankenstein!

Freeze, Mrs. Dubois!

From beyond the grave, grave, grave?

From the film Ghostbusters by Ray Parker Jr.

G ghost?

Get him!

Get us out of here! Help!

Ghost!

Give me a half pound of roast beef.

Give them something to do while they're waiting.

Give to the less fortunate. Does anyone know what less fortunate is?

Go get candy, baby.

Go, go, go.

Go!

God rest his soul.

God would want this.

God, I love the way you phrase things.

Good luck!

Good morning!

Good night. Please keep the fishnets for fishing next year.

Good people? All those two ever did was abuse you, man.

Good to see you. Happy Halloween.

Got some spaghetti and meatballs for ya.

Got ya!

Got you, O'Doyle!

Great, Freddie Mercury.

Great. Start there.

Guess how much? Fifty cents!

Guys, let's get him!

Ha ha ha!

Halloween central.

Halloween's upon us!

Hang on, baby.

Hang on! All right.

Happens every year!

Happy Halloween to all! And to all, a good fright!

Happy Halloween.

Hartman?

Hasn't had any sex.

Have a happy Halloween tomorrow, Hubie.

Have a round of applause, everyone.

Have a seat, man.

Have counted up your candy corns and are gettin' ready for bed.

Have fun with that.

Have fun, Pubes.

Have you?

He actually never made it home.

He can weather all of your insults and your thrown objects,

He doesn't strike me as a forgive and forget type.

He flew like 25 feet!

He never died?

He said it was an honor to be arrested by a Muppet.

He worked hard every single day of his life.

He's courteous, he's cheerful, he's considerate.

He's helpful.

He's so… Hubie!

Hello, Hubes. What did you do wrong?

Hello, my witches and warlocks.

Hello, Webster Elementary School.

Hello!

Hello!

Hello?

Hello?

Hello.

Help me!

Help me!

Help me!

Help me!

Help me!

Help me!

Help me! Help me!

Help, Hubie!

Help!

Her? And you?

Here again to talk about Halloween safety

Here she comes.

Here, Walter.

Here's some Happy Halloween word searches I printed out.

Here's what I'm thinkin'. Name Richie Hartman ring a bell?

Hey, coffee boy.

Hey, Hubie!

Hey, I just wanted to give you a heads up.

Hey, I'm home.

Hey, Karen.

Hey, Mr. Pubois.

Hey, no. I talk to my girlfriend all the time.

Hey, pimples!

Hey, Pubie! Give me back my cat!

Hey, Steve. It's Kenny Fonda with the Westford PD.

Hey, Tommy, hey!

Hey, whoa! I'm sorry. Come on, I couldn't resist.

Hey, you got Sergeant Downey.

Hey, you quakin' in your boots?

Hey!

Hey! Easy, Mikey. My sister's a freshman.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey. What can I get you guys?

Hi, David. Hi, Tracy.

Hi, Hubie. What school do you go to?

Hi, I like... I wanna make a request, please?

Hi.

Hi. Can I get a black coffee?

Hilarious.

His arms were very, very hairy.

His best quality is this.

His name…

His shirt was torn up. He was barking at the moon.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm. Yeah. Well, maybe after my mom comes home, I'll... I'll try to swing by.

Hold your fire until my command.

Hold your fire until my command.

Homeboy. Are you okay, man?

Hoo ah!

How 'bout you thank the man?

How 'bout you thank the man?

How can I help you?

How did you do this?

How did you get to be so badass?

How is sucking on fake fingers supposed to turn me on?

How old are you?

How we doin', ladies?

How we doing, guys?

How would somebody detect such a situation?

Hubie Dubois is probably the nicest guy in this town.

Hubie Dubois!

Hubie Dubois! Is that you?

Hubie Dubois.

Hubie Dubois.

Hubie hasn't had a lot of sex.

Hubie just saved your lives, and you treat him like this.

Hubie, do be mine.

Hubie, do be… careful.

Hubie, how long have you lived in Salem?

Hubie, I've been in love with you since the first grade.

Hubie, nice little sash you got on there. What is that, monitor?

Hubie, please, get us out of here!

Hubie, that's gas!

Hubie, there's something wrong with your mom!

Hubie, what was that?

Hubie, you need to turn down your radio.

Hubie!

Hubie!

Hubie!

Hubie!

Hubie!

Hubie!

Hubie?

Hubie.

Hubie.

Hubie. It's funny seeing you here.

Hubie. Yeah.

Hubie's smart, has nice hair, and sex hope.

Huh?

Huh. That's quite commendable.

I acted like I didn't hear him.

I ain't doin' that.

I am a member of the AUU. This is what I was trained to do.

I am actually doing a follow up on a classified situation.

I am chaperoning my daughter's field trip.

I am not a ghost, but I play one on TV.

I am your father, and I demand some respect.

I assure you can arrest me right afterwards.

I busted a guy for DWI last week, and, uh…

I can't believe it's finally Halloween.

I can't believe that I spent three years with a self confident for no reason,

I can't believe this.

I cannot, in good faith, allow you to hurt another soul tonight,

I did call the hotline 100 times,

I do have a girlfriend. She lives up in Canada.

I don't have an Internet, so I'm not up on my latest abbreviations.

I don't know his name. The goofy idiot from the supermarket deli.

I don't know if I like you much better now.

I don't know.

I don't know. I thought I saw you hold open your bag to get some candy.

I don't know. It was a noise!

I don't know. That sounds like a big boner.

I don't really believe in keeping track of that kind of thing, Hubie.

I don't think anything.

I don't wanna do this.

I don't want Mom to get home and see that Tommy left us by ourselves.

I don't. Who is he? One of your boyfriend?

I dropped out three years ago. Shut up.

I faked it for the doctors, but I'm really just dumb.

I feel a lot of pressure to be cool all the time.

I feel bad for him.

I feel bad you got yourself in even more trouble just to save me.

I feel like you're the second most frequent caller we get.

I felt my purpose was to make sure everybody

I found a ticket to the drive in at the scene.

I get that feeling every time I leave the house, Mom.

I give you free hot water for your dehydrated soup sometimes.

I got a great idea.

I gotta say, it's pretty impressive how long he's been a loser.

I guess my radio voice throws people off sometimes.

I had this nightmare I was talking to an idiot.

I have a feeling something's going to happen.

I have never felt sexually fulfilled.

I have to make it good for you before I go.

I heard a voice in the sewer.

I heard him scream, "Help!" Then he started crying.

I heard some odd noises when I was walking by.

I heard you can't hold it in.

I hope you're ready for tomorrow night and all the spooky things that frighten.

I hope you've made all the necessary preparations.

I just always wanted to be as nice as you, Mom.

I just broke up with my Canadian girlfriend.

I just get scared.

I just wanna say happy Halloween to everybody in Salem.

I just wanted to tell you that I have been in love with you since second grade.

I knew I liked you, freshman. Come on.

I know I am.

I know that howl.

I know you do.

I know you said if there was a commotion, I should ignore it.

I know.

I know.

I like it. What are you? A Muppet, right?

I lost my hair 20 years ago,

I love you!

I mean, the good news is you're still alive. I was...

I mean…

I met the fellow who moved into the Andersons' house next door.

I met the fellow who moved into their home. A Walter Lambert.

I never really told anybody.

I only remember that name because there is something off about his tombstone.

I pissed on a tombstone, pissed on the street.

I realize I might have gone too far for your teenage mental capacities

I really wasn't feeling myself.

I said I would clean it up! It's not a big deal!

I saw 'em coming through the Old McMillan shortcut.

I saw Andy O'Doyle buying suspiciously massive amount of eggs and toilet paper.

I saw the man destroy his home earlier today.

I say, "Marco." You say, "Polo." Marco!

I should've left with the others, 'cause I have no idea where I am.

I suggest we cancel the fireworks show immediately.

I swear to God, if you jump out of one of these bushes,

I think he means a lycanthrope.

I think I saw a little kid get lost in the Corn Maze.

I think so. Is he a good guy?

I think we'll all get in really big trouble for that.

I think we're good!

I think you got the problem.

I thought I was your best friend.

I took the liberty to print up some happy Halloween word searches.

I wa...

I want to be honest with you. Might not be a good year for it.

I was diagnosed with dyslexia in the eighth grade.

I was in love with our teacher.

I was there.

I was wondering, Violet, do you think perhaps that we can...

I was.

I wish it was you that was knifed up instead of peanut.

I would have asked you out.

I would keep for myself.

I would like to speak with the human being that is deep down below your fur.

I would never hurt you.

I'd recognize that voice anywhere. You look exactly how I pictured you.

I'll be okay.

I'll give you a head start in the name of romance.

I'm a dentist. I help people!

I'm a little short handed tonight,

I'm asexual, but that girl's making me hella horny.

I'm coming!

I'm feeling emotional.

I'm fine. Is that a new shirt?

I'm getting a location. Steve, look at this.

I'm gonna bury one up your butt.

I'm gonna do what I do every October 31st.

I'm gonna invite you and Mom over for dinner once I get my kitchen set up,

I'm gonna kick your ass for this, Lester.

I'm gonna punch you in the face!

I'm gonna stop you there, young lady.

I'm guessing…

I'm jealous of Hubie being able to be himself.

I'm just kidding. One black coffee.

I'm looking forward to hearing your real voice.

I'm making the kids' costumes out of tinfoil

I'm officiating a funeral.

I'm sensin' a big "but" coming.

I'm so sorry I left guys. I'm so glad you're okay.

I'm sorry about before. In the basement.

I'm sorry, son. I just...

I'm sorry. I didn't recognize him.

I'm sorry. I don't know why I said Pubie. It just came out.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mommy. This is my fault.

I'm sure he's been there the whole time. Without a doubt.

I'm talking to you, Violet Valentine.

I'm truly sorry.

I'm Walter!

I'm working all night, okay?

ID? I don't…

If she picks up, we can implicate her that way.

If the mayor can do it, so can you.

If you brought me a Kit Kat bar.

If you can hear me, please call out so I can determine your whereabouts!

If you can play the theme song

If you don't fight back, the bullies never stop.

If you ever hear some commotion

If you feel like you've done all you can, or you feel like you're in danger,

If you hadn't bought that cheap Ikea stuff and put it together with a butter knife!

Illuminate me.

In any way whatsoever. And...

In case he gets sentimental for his hometown.

In fact, it's important that you don't.

In the garbage can directly outside Town Hall.

In the what?

Indeed it is, Tracy.

Instead of watching your two little sisters.

Is a silver bullet right between the eyes.

Is anyone out there? Sound off!

Is anyone out there? Sound off!

Is he inside your feces?

Is just some name that he got off a tombstone on his way into town.

Is Salem's Official Volunteer Halloween Helper,

Is that Michael Mundi you're eating right now?

Is that the first girl you ever talked to, Pubie?

Is that where you live?

Is the fight over? Did I win?

Is there somebody watching us right now?

Is Walter Lambert.

It almost made me forget that I buried my father today.

It comes and goes.

It is very painful. It's...

It just breaks my heart.

It looks like you made that sash from one of your mother's scarves.

It pisses me off.

It was fun. Hope we do it again next year. Give a hoot, don't pollute.

It was funny, 'cause not many people know where that shortcut is.

It was on purpose?

It's a pleasure, Hubie. I'll tell you what.

It's a prepaid phone.

It's a shame what they've done to your lawn!

It's actually pretty sweet, isn't it?

It's been your favorite holiday since you were knee high.

It's fun working with you, always.

It's gonna be a full moon, so the monsters will be out.

It's kind of like a Swiss Army thermos. I made it when I was in the Scouts.

It's kinda evil, but stick with me.

It's nine o'clock in Salem, which means all you trick or treaters

It's not a costume.

It's not even dark yet here in Salem,

It's not pathetic.

It's on.

It's Sunday, dumb ass.

It's that one.

It's the best news I ever heard in my life.

It's time.

It's your ghoulish DJ Aurora.

Janet at the library has not been herself lately.

Janitor, some drunk guy dressed as Captain Underpants

Just do your job. No breaks on Halloween.

Just know that I'll always love you.

Just look at him!

Just me and a friend of mine, Richie Hartman. When I was a kid,

Just me.

Just playing.

Just pumpkin.

Just some fun pissing stuff, you know.

Just that you are nice.

Just threw up in the jail exhibit.

Know what? I don't want the roast beef.

Lambert and Hartman have been in custody during the whole Landolfa disappearance.

Lambert broke out about a month ago, and then Hartman broke out yesterday

Landolfa did go back into the haunted house to look for Hubie.

Last night, I thought I felt a little draft. So…

Last one. Sorry.

Leave public property? I don't see that happening.

Leave. Or I'll beat you with a tire iron.

Lester!

Lester!

Lester!

Let him speak. He's a human being!

Let me tell you what it entails, okay?

Let them know you're staying at a friend's. That's for you.

Let's break this down. Did it sound like this?

Let's just go back, Danielle.

Let's take a look.

Liar! Lucifer!

Like Kenny Rogers', is to make sure there's great tunes on the radio

Like, I made a big boner in math class.

Listen to me. It's time to worry about yourself.

Listen, give me a minute head start,

Listen, I am a fan of a Halloween zinger as much as the next guy, but…

Lock your doors! Make sure you don't open them!

Look at these nerds.

Look who's here.

Look, I know it was just a pig.

Looking out for the community. That's important.

Looks like a dummy.

Ma! He's an idiota, deficiente!

Ma! Ma!

Ma. Ma.

Make sure every citizen in this town is safe and protected.

Mama!

Marco!

May I?

Maybe a glass of Chardonnay?

Maybe if I wasn't such a scaredy cat like mom was sayin',

Maybe sometime you and I could possibly…

Maybe you should go as a butt faced, red haired piece of dog puke

Maybe you've had enough bike riding for one day.

Megan McNally, you like underclassmen?

Megan, you call your parents.

Messing with Shoobie Dubois. A Salem tradition.

Michael Mundi in the house!

Michael Mundi.

Michael Mundi.

Michael? Michael!

Miss Glennon?

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm. Feels exactly the same, too. We got Hubie Dubois spying on everybody.

Mm mmm. 'Cause you're, like, three times my age, okay?

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm. Havin' a nightmare about your hairdo.

Mmm…

Mmm… I only have 30 left.

Mom!

Mommy, I would've been satisfied if you put itching powder in their sleeping bag.

Mommy! No! Help me, Mommy!

Monster!

Move quickly and quietly toward the exits.

Mr. Dubois!

Mr. Dubois!

Mr. Dubois? Hello!

Mr. Hennessy! Mr. Hennessy!

Mr. Hennessy. How's night school?

Mr. Lamb...

Mr. Lambert, you're better than that.

Mr. Lambert!

Mr. Lambert! Get over here!

Mr. Lambert?

Mr. Lambert?

Mr. Lambert?

Mr. Lambert? Mr. Lambert?

Mr. Lambert.

Mr. Lambert.

Mr. Lambert.

Mr. Lambert.

Mr. Lambert.

Mr. Lambert.

Mr. Landolfa…

Mr. Mayor Dubois, let's get you downtown.

Mr. O'Doyle.

Mrs. Banerjee and I went to the thrift store today.

Mrs. Hennessy.

Mrs. Phillips, I'll be with you in a minute.

Muah! Muah!

My brother in law once said that I had no ambition.

My dad, you know, he died unexpected,

My eyes are on fire!

My family's been a part of Salem for, uh, going back to the witch trials.

My father passed away a couple of years ago.

My God, it's just... It's just a little kid!

My grandma gave him his first titty twister.

My great great great great great grandmother laid down her life,

My mom wouldn't break up the furniture

My name is Hubie Dubois, and I am here to tell you that Halloween is fun,

My parents got me a royal princess dress from the Disney Store.

My whole life,

Negative! Request armed units to that vicinity. Over.

Never mind that. Cop a squat.

Nice observation, toolbox! Now get us out of this!

Nice to meet you, Walter.

No clue.

No one's lost?

No, I definitely don't.

No, I don't want some s...

No, I would never hurt anybody. I...

No, it was good to get out of that place for a while.

No, it's a good thing. I mean, not for him so much,

No, ma'am.

No, this is good.

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No! I was just practicing yelling, Mom. Everything's good.

No! It wasn't an accident.

No! No way!

No! No, no, no, no!

No! Oh, God!

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. But there is a number that needs to be dialed immediately.

No. Give.

No. He... You know, he's just...

No. He's a grown man. I've known him since kindergarten.

No. It's Tommy, Violet Valentine's son.

Nobody gives a crap!

Nope. That's...

Northern section. Ontarionto.

Not a costume? Okay. My boner.

Not anymore.

Not cool! Not cool! Not cool!

Not if I find you first!

Not sure what's happening in this creepy town,

Not tonight!

Not yet.

Nothing at all.

Nothing broken, physically speaking.

Nothing.

Nothing. What are you doing?

Now you're all in big, big trouble.

Now, before you get too excited,

Now, I know that Halloween is very special to you, sweet boy.

Now, it's Halloween. In Salem.

Now, see, that does it for me.

Now, that turns me on.

Now, Tommy, you call your mother. Let her know you're home.

Now, we have an old friend on the line, Hubie Dubie.

Now, you've brought us many instances of unlawful conduct

Now! Pumpkin.

O'Doyle!

Of a missing high school kid from Hubie Dubois.

Of course, Hubie.

Of course.

Of course. That's my great great great great great grandmother.

Of pain...

Officer Steve, I saw my ne...

Oh ho!

Oh my…

Oh, 'cause of the dumb thing.

Oh, and Hubie.

Oh, and who is this?

Oh, and you two. You guys are gonna be hittin' the parties later,

Oh, at least my mama don't stink the toilet up so bad,

Oh, Buster! Hey, my big boy.

Oh, by the way, he ate a silver bullet if you wanna check his feces tomorrow.

Oh, dear boy. This town is making you so jittery.

Oh, did you get a Hubie Dubois Halloween safety talk?

Oh, dope.

Oh, God.

Oh, hey, Violet.

Oh, Hubie, how lovely.

Oh, Hubie. Don't go out there tonight.

Oh, I see you in the hallways

Oh, I'm Chantal.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry. I just thought 'cause of the thermos.

Oh, is this...

Oh, man. That's another one.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. I know, I know. It's so pathetic.

Oh, my God. Isn't that so sweet? My wife brought snacks.

Oh, my God. This is a travesty.

Oh, my soup!

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. That was the Epsteins.

Oh, no. They got Father Dave.

Oh, now, you're eating it!

Oh, sorry!

Oh, that'll never happen.

Oh, that's adorable.

Oh, that's who you are every day.

Oh, they just found Lester Hennessy's car abandoned in the middle of Whipstick Road.

Oh, they live for it.

Oh, we're expecting over 70,000 people to visit Salem this evening.

Oh, well, I don't worry about me. I worry about my kids.

Oh, well, look at this. I cannot believe we have this.

Oh, whoa. Ho ho!

Oh, why? Do you want some soup?

Oh, yeah, I don't have any kids. As far as I know.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you fostering this mumbling zombie now, too?

Oh, you gonna bring up my mama in front of the police, huh?

Oh, you jealous now?

Oh, you just keep a log. A very detailed log.

Oh, you were nicer.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! You must be Mrs. Dubois!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Okay, Hubie. It's showtime. Remember, we're lookin' for a confession.

Okay, kids, you can't have candy for breakfast,

Okay, look, I was just trying something, okay?

Okay, well, how did the package even know that I was in here?

Okay, whoa, there.

Okay, yes. Would you put it on me, please? That's right.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Handle your high.

Okay. Let's Lady and the Tramp that shit.

Okay. Number 59. Looking for 59.

Okay. Well, I know it's your big night, Hubie.

Okay. Well, I'm gonna need to see some ID, freshman.

Okay. Wow.

Okay. You want some soup?

On Halloween?

One clam, one chicken noodle, and one split pea.

One slice, one soda, one dollar, if you wear a costume to the shop.

One thing I still don't get.

Only one day a year you get to show your ex what he's missin'.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh! Get that candy, kids.

Ooh! Hey, baby. How you doin'?

Ooh! This is some Dateline NBC shit.

Ooh. My belly just said yes for the both of us.

Oops!

Otherwise, just stay in the house, Ma.

Ouch. That even hurt me.

Over and out...

Part of the fun of Halloween is its ways of teaching us life lessons.

Peanut was not just a pig, officer. He was my best friend.

Peanut's dead!

People die every day, dummy. They don't skip holidays.

Perfect.

Please, Hubie! Oh, my God!

Please... please don't cry.

Prank? No, I knew that.

Psycho on the loose!

Pubie!

Pubie!

Pubie!

Pubie?

Pubie? Uh, who's... who's Pubie?

Pumpkin what?

Pumpkin.

Put me in, coach. I'm ready to play.

Ready for trick or treating and all the spooky stuff.

Really? Does he scare easy?

Remain in place! I will find you!

Remember we used to come here in high school?

Richard Hartman.

Richie Hartman?

Richie Hartman's been locked up since Carter was president.

Right between…

Right here, Pubie.

Right now, I'm in dire need of the most perspicacious advice

Right o.

Right there.

Right. I know it is. I was just saying, you know…

Rocky Balboa style.

Roger that. Bogey on my twelve.

Roll it! Roll it!

Safe Halloween, Mr...

Said there's no such thing as witches.

Same corn over and over.

Same corn over and over.

Sasquatch could not handle that!

Say hello to Hubie.

Say the code word. At that point, we'll call the burner phone.

Say, Mr. Lambert.

Scarecrow?

Scary ghost. Yes.

Scheduled to come to the Creature Double Feature.

Scientists would call him a lyco thorpe.

Scooby Dubois on the case!

Seems like a decent guy.

Shame on you.

Share anything with me.

She always dedicates a song to a special someone.

She come in the house and broke all the furniture.

She saw some bad things happening, but she spoke out.

She's got no personality and a greasy forehead.

She's not answering.

Shmell...

Shouldn't you and your cohort be, uh, in school right now?

Smell my feet.

Smell my feet.

Smell my feet.

Smell...

Smell...

Snitch.

So I asked Father Dave to keep an eye on her.

So I made these for you.

So lit to have freshman girls here. New crop of hotties to hit on.

So, any intel that you have, it's gonna get to us. We'll know about it.

So, did I miss anything?

So, drop a log in a garbage can?

So, how are you and Officer Steve doing? I saw him yesterday in his squad car.

So, how'd you know I was a freshman?

So, I am a big fan of your husband, Aurora.

So, I am available.

So, I came from there. I already was there.

So, I had to fight back for you.

So, I know what it's like when the spooky fun gets outta hand...

So, I like the costumes.

So, I saw there were massive lines out front.

So, I'm gonna let you two guys take off without me.

So, if you run out of soup and you need a refill, just stop by the diner.

So, it couldn't have been them.

So, it was payback time. Wasn't it, Hubie?

So, maybe boner donor means I donate mistakes.

So, Mayor Benson, the sun sets in eight short hours,

So, now's the time for us big boys and girls

So, Violet Valentine.

So, we are cancelin' the fireworks

So, we're going to take a word from our scary sponsors.

So, you best take the advice of our beloved Mayor

So, you don't need to come over and check on me or anything.

So, you probably couldn't find her up there.

So, you seem a little stressed. I mean, what can I do to help ya out?

So, you went with the full moon, huh, God?

So, you've had eyes on them for 45 minutes?

Some improvement over those Andersons.

Some people's purpose is to make sure all the streets are clean.

Some people's purpose,

Some people's purpose, like you,

Somebody put a firecracker in my mail slot.

Somebody's down here!

Something suspicious.

Sorry about that!

Sorry to bother you, mayor, but it's important.

Sorry, freshman.

Sorry, Mom! I'll clean that up!

Sorry. I can't spare the manpower tonight.

Sorry. Werewolf Treatment Center.

Sound familiar?

Squealin' like he was callin' for his daddy!

Step out of the vehicle!

Stormhawk in position and petrified. Over.

Sure did, Erin.

Sure does.

Sure thing, Mr. Lambert.

Take care of your children! I'm gonna steal a boat!

Take me, evil one! Just do not harm the child!

Terrific costumes, guys. Especially yours, Cooky.

Terrific!

Thank you so much.

Thank you, Aurora.

Thank you, sir. I would like a word with you all.

Thank you. Pumpkin.

Thanks for the free breakfast.

Thanks, Pubie.

Thanks. I learned it all from my mother, who's right behind you.

That concludes our service.

That is a good one.

That is not on the menu tonight.

That is you in a nutshell, Hubie.

That is you in a nutshell, Hubie.

That just answered my question.

That makes sense.

That man on the radio sounds like the guy who talked to us in the cafeteria today.

That Salem's Halloween is getting shut down.

That sounds like Hubie Dubois.

That was Dad.

That was me, actually. I had a case of the late night munchies.

That was so terrifying!

That wasn't cool, man.

That we can all sing along with on road trips.

That'll chill you to the bone.

That's a good roommate. Yes.

That's me.

That's my cue. Call me if you get lonely, Violet.

That's not babysitting, that's trick or treating.

That's some matzo ball soup, also with a flare gun.

That's what makes you so wonderful. And that's why I have to do it.

That's you in a nutshell, Hubie.

The Andersons used to throw garbage into my bedroom window.

The best part is spending time alone with you.

The big barn at Wallace Orchard. It's mostly juniors and seniors.

The blood. It's going to my...

The cops are here! You're goin' to jail, you crazy old bat!

The eyes!

The family has invited you all to a luncheon.

The G.

The G.

The high school hat trick, Violet Valentine.

The high school hat trick.

The killer's in the house! The killer's in the house!

The leftover candy, I would donate to the homeless shelter.

The man wolf has eaten his kryptonite!

The name's Hal I.

The night is young. Appreciate you being nice to me.

The old lady said they'd be in the backyard.

The only way to slay the beast

The package got by me. He moves quickly to the left.

The police department is advising everyone to stay home and lock doors.

The power of observation, the ability to blend in.

The power of observation, the ability to blend in.

The reason I take it for free is 'cause I don't have money.

The scariest night of the year has arrived, kiddies.

The soup kinda went right through me.

The supermarket is selling expired bacon.

The transformation is complete.

The way they used to toss firecrackers at you.

The whole neighborhood'll hear you, Ma. You're practically screaming.

Then I saw him at this haunted house, his tail wagging in murderous glee.

Then I saw him in the pumpkin patch.

Then maybe should I head inside?

Then tell him there's a kid stuck in the corn maze.

Then who? Are there any clues?

There should be a guy there. New in town. Possibly shirtless.

There was nobody left at the station. We had to.

There's a diaper in Dori's pond.

There's a time and a place for hijinks!

There's a Walter Lambert buried right near my grandpa in the Pine Street Cemetery.

There's a weird station wagon at the senior center.

There's no badge.

There's no one in the house but her.

There's one woman, but she's the nicest lady I ever met my life.

There's somebody in the road.

There's this goof headed his way. Hubie Dubois.

They both came by and turned themselves in, like, 45 minutes ago.

They didn't know I had an extension. I'm so sorry, Mr. Tayback.

They must've got loosened out of me with the landing.

They're men's fingers. Are you saying I have men's fingers?

They're not down here, either.

They're not up here.

They're probably just watching a movie, though, and…

Think you've been watching too many scary movies, Louise.

This is a direct order from the AUU.

This is extreme.

This is gonna sound nuts.

This is my real voice.

This is not real. You get that, right?

This is not your fault!

This is your dad's funeral? I'm so sorry. I didn't...

This Richard Hartman thing has got you jumpy as hell.

Three on a match. Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

Thrice. I was born around the same time you had your first heart bypass.

To be honest with you, you don't look like the way I was picturing you.

To get up to some real mischief.

To kill his next victim?

To make sure that Halloween is safe and fun for everyone in this town.

To me, that's a great deal, but it's also a riot waiting to happen.

To meet who?

To our attention over the years.

To so many callers.

To the Halloween Carnival tonight for the petting zoo.

To try to find him and convince him to come back.

Together?

Toilet? Is it a big toilet?

Tommy, I want mom to bring half my candy to the homeless shelter in the morning.

Tommy, where are you?

Tommy!

Tommy!

Tommy?

Tommy?

Tonight's temperatures will dip below 28 degrees!

Truth serum. She said she's gonna show you how much she loves you on Halloween.

Try hard.

Trying to save innocent people.

Turn down the radio.

Uh, Canada Dry region.

Uh, excuse me, Grandpa Thermos, you need to leave the party right now.

Uh, yeah.

Uh…

Uh… no.

Um, between us, there is a man wolf on the loose.

Um, but do you have a bathroom I could use? 'Cause I, uh…

Um…

Um…

Unbelievable. You can say a lot of things about me, I was never a nerd.

Upstairs.

Valentine family, where are you?

Very good. What's your name?

Violet Valentine.

Violet Valentine. What a, uh, pleasant surprise.

Violet, where the hell were you? We're falling behind out there.

W… T… C… H.

Wait a second.

Walter Lambert!

Walter Lambert. Seemed like good people.

Walter!

Walter.

Walter.

Walter.

Walter. Come!

Was safe and sound on Halloween.

Wasn't plannin' on it. Hey, Dot.

We ain't canceling a damn thing, Sergeant.

We all get scared.

We all have a purpose.

We can do this the easy way or the paddle way. It's up to you.

We can't acknowledge you officially

We fell for that twice in one night.

We gonna eat Peanut tonight!

We gonna eat Peanut tonight.

We gotta expect a scare here or there. Kids being kids.

We gotta get rid of the shower curtain.

We gotta try that with the orderlies when we get back.

We had someone escape from the psych ward up here.

We have a special presentation today in lieu of recess.

We need to talk.

We used to finish our band practice and shoot right through there.

We want him in the hole.

We were talking shop. You know, code 10 4, 10 5. That kinda thing.

We'll find them.

We'll get through it together here on…

We're having a conversation.

We're just trying to raise money for our school.

We're out of food, I guess. Yeah?

Weirdo!

Welcome back. You're Watching Wake Up Boston.

Well, all you witches and warlocks, the daylight is fading,

Well, hello, there.

Well, I had to take out my two new sisters, remember?

Well, I have a few.

Well, I know where I'm gonna be tonight. Reporting from Salem, Tracy Phillips.

Well, I think boner's another word for a mistake.

Well, I was on the phone with the credit card company.

Well, I woke up 'cause the animals sounded agitated,

Well, I'm taking my sisters trick or treating.

Well, if I had a real man, then I wouldn't have to do it myself now, would I?

Well, imagine that they're your fingers.

Well, it's not right what those hooligans did.

Well, looks like I have company.

Well, not on my watch, Mr. Whiskers.

Well, since we've been divorced four years,

Well, son...

Well, Steven, let's talk turkey.

Well, Steven, let's talk turkey.

Well, take it from me. Nice matters.

Well, that garbage can, that's monitored, 24 7.

Well, that's a glass window. The package could see ya.

Well, they all seem nice till they kill you.

Well, to be honest with ya, I don't drink beer.

Well, we're *******, so that eliminated Christmas and Easter and Ash Wednesday.

Well, who was it chased you around the yard with a tennis racket?

Well, you can't even thank him without insulting him.

Were those your feces on the newspaper, Mr. Lambert?

What a bad, bad man.

What a buffoon!

What a man! What a mouth! And on his first try.

What a nice young lady. I remember you just had a foster son.

What are we screaming at?

What are you cleaning up? Did you have an accident?

What are you up to?

What are you?

What brings you all the way here this evenin'?

What is it supposed to be? Little penises?

What is it, Sergeant?

What is that fool doing here?

What the heck?

What the heck?

What the hell are you doing?

What the hell, Mike? Why would you do that?

What the...

What the...

What the...

What took you so long?

What?

What?

What?

What? What'd you say?

What'd she say?

What'd she say?

What'd you ask me out here for, Hubie?

What're you gonna do, Mr. Dubois?

What're you monitorizing?

What's the desperate sicko's name?

What's up?

When he gets here, I'll handle the scaring.

When I was young, I used to build a tower with all my candy.

When I was your age, I made some huge boners.

When the town toughs only used to throw crab apples.

When this freaky old timey car pulled into the lot.

Where are you?

Where does he live?

Where?

While I understand that you are now a mindless killing machine,

Who is nice and kind to 'em and makes them feel loved.

Who is that?

Who's a good roommate? Yes. Yes.

Who's next?

Who's reading at a second grade level even though he's 11.

Whoa! For real?

Whoo hoo!

Why aren't you watching my mother?

Why did his mom have to kill Peanut the pig?

Why did we bring them again?

Why don't you go cuddle up with your best friend, Peanut, huh?

Why he talk about his boner?

Why should someone like Hubie have such a thick, luxuriant head of hair,

Why, yes, Hubie. Why wouldn't I be?

Why, yes, I did, Hubie. I truly did.

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why? You have secrets, Mr. Lambert?

Will you tell her when she gets home?

With nature's fireworks lighting up the night sky.

Wow, that is badass.

Wow, uh…

Wow.

WTCH has just learned

Ya!

Yeah, and Megan. I work down at the coffee shop.

Yeah, but could've told the package that I'm a mannequin or somethin'.

Yeah, but you know what? I hope he comes looking for me.

Yeah, go that way…

Yeah, I got him right here. Him and your boy, Richie Hartman.

Yeah, it's just Mike Mundi trying to pull a prank on you.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, that October wind will... It'll sneak up on you.

Yeah, that... I think that's it.

Yeah, well, welcome to your first high school fight.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you kicked his ass. Come on.

Yeah, you just missed the best part!

Yeah. Apparently, Lambert is Hartman's roommate at the mental hospital.

Yeah. Hubie seems to be around a lot of people before they go missing.

Yeah. Just thought you might wanna know

Yeah. Middle aged, growls a lot, glue on hairy hands?

Yeah. No, baby. He overstayed his welcome.

Yeah. Well, I've got two foster daughters now as well.

Yep!

Yep.

Yes, Erin. Clear and a balmy 61 degrees.

Yes, he does.

Yes, he's Hubie.

Yes, Miss Taylor?

Yes, of course. Come on.

Yes, you are.

Yes, you, Hubie. You're a stud.

Yes!

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. Much appreciated.

Yes. Nice to meet you, ma'am.

Yes. We had Miss Colestice's class together.

Yo, dawg! That's my bullet!

You and whose army?

You are cursed!

You are grounded for the next six months.

You are so cute with them.

You are, Pubie. Landolfa called you that yesterday.

You better be, 'cause I'm your new attendant.

You can never be seen talking to me or any other officer in this place.

You can pass it out to the kids.

You didn't tell anybody about that, did you, Hubie?

You don't have to be scared anymore.

You don't have to do this. This is too much.

You ever hear of an AUU?

You got a big dog, Mr. Lambert?

You got a dog, Mr. Lambert?

You got the wrong guy.

You gotta be... Whoa.

You guys will get through this rough patch.

You have a girlfriend?

You have ever given to any other human...

You have to learn to stand up for yourself.

You hear this? Can I borrow your gun?

You just did help me by listening to my story.

You just gotta see it to believe it.

You just sit back and enjoy.

You knew that high school kid from the corn maze was missing.

You know how much credit card debt I'm in right now?

You know it. Ooh! Ooh!

You know what I think done it?

You know what spooky fun is really getting outta hand?

You know what that means? Our brother's in love.

You know who should feel bad right now? Our wonderful mayor.

You know, age is just a state of mind.

You like that?

You look like a dummy. Go out and get it out of the way.

You mean in human years?

You need a hand?

You never kissed me like that, Violet.

You okay, big man?

You really want me to smell them?

You see this, officer?

You see, basically, doing a door to door candy etiquette.

You see, Hubie. True bravery's being kind.

You see?

You should go as a girl who doesn't even know who her real parents are.

You sick man.

You son of a...

You suck!

You two, do me a favor. Eat all the candy you want, and then go straight to sleep.

You wanna help me frost 'em?

You want me to get out this car and beat you with that ugly cat?

You, sir! Step on up.

You, too, Mrs. Banerjee. I hope you get more tricks than treats.

You... Did you really wanna defecate in front of me, sir?

You're a dummy!

You're a good friend, man.

You're always thinking of everyone else and never of yourself.

You're most friendly, most popular, and best looking.

You're okay.

You're probably all surprised.

You're that freshman, right?

You're the best person I know.

You're the man!

You're usually there. You know it's true.

You've been a very good neighbor to me.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated...

Your kids must have helped you with all of this.

Your mom was talking about me?

Your nervous system cannot handle that!

Your tombstone says that you have yet to die.

Yummy.

617 555 0968.

911!

'Cause you got a big heart. Thanks.

A couple days back… Oh, man.

Ah. Look at those purple mums. Mom planted those.

And a little horny. Ooh!

And me. And definitely me.

And me. And me.

Asked by who? Yeah.

Bam. Mr. Dubois, I screwed up.

Besides that one lady. Someone calls more than I do?

Bitch used a burner. Mm hmm.

Bring it in here. Get in here. What's up?

But he did love to laugh. Okay.

But you told nobody. Yeah. Bad for business, I guess.

But... Oh, shut up, Lester.

But… Okay.

Can I lick the spoon, or… Deal!

Chantal? Yeah.

Chardonnay, eh? You know what they say about Chardonnay?

Cooky, what are you gonna dress up as? A robot.

Cooky. Well, you're a smart cookie.

Did you check the basement? I checked everywhere. He's not here.

Do we do... Get out of here!

Do you think we could trace the number? I don't need to. Caller ID.

Dubois. Dubois.

Dude. No!

Even April Fool's Day? Shut it.

Father Dave. Have you been planning this all along?

Garbage can? Yeah. Tin Man.

Give me some of the lamb's head. Lamb's head? We don't have lamb's head.

Good to wash off the dirt. Here, let me help you.

Gotcha. So, you ready to join the team?

Happy Halloween. Not looking, guys!

Have you? I...

He was my... You be quiet, too. You next.

He's the nicest. You said this already.

Here? Yeah.

Hi. How are ya?

How about if I give you a lift home? You're not gonna have to drive far.

How much fun was that? That was so much fun.

How you doin' there, Kenny? Good, buddy. Good.

Hubie Dubois. Yes.

Hubie, get in here. Okay.

Hubie, I can't do this. Michael Mundi was abducted.

Hubie, what do you want? Hey, Officer Steve.

Hubie! Hubie!

Hubie! Hubie!

Hubie. Murder!

Hubie. Okay, there it is.

I can't find my sisters. You don't know where the kids are? Huh.

I don't really know how he's doing. Oh, well, don't lose faith.

I don't think he knows what boner means. No, definitely not.

I got four people missing here. Officer Steve, listen to me.

I just think that you're not... Smell my feet.

I just think that... Smell my feet.

I just think that... Trick or treat, smell my feet.

I think I know who did it. Oh, so do I.

I wanna press charges. Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

I'm so sorry. I tried to explain to you already, Hubie.

I've never seen you with a girlfriend. She is a Canadian resident of Canada.

Incredible costumes, guys. Whatever.

Is that Officer Steve? Yeah.

Is that what it is? It's a werewolf.

Is this the way you found him? Yeah.

Isn't that Woodsy the Owl? No, he was Tootsie Pops.

It's ringing. Is this a prank?

It's... it's fine. It's natural. It is.

Just hang up your phone. Please stop.

Let's kill him! Yeah! Yeah!

Makes... makes sense. Yep.

Man. Freeze, Mrs. Dubois!

Mm hmm. You'll see.

Mmm. Hey! Hey.

Mom, I really don't want you to do this. I know, Hubie.

Mr. Lambert. Walter.

My bad. Guess they're talkin' about this fella.

My sweet boy. I love you.

No one can see us or hear us. She must not have the phone on her.

No sign of Lester or Mary. No!

No, I'm not surprised. Nope.

No? What's that right there? Which one?

Nobody pees more than you. I'm peein' now.

Noises, huh? Yeah.

Not a crime to buy eggs or toilet paper. Oh, yeah. That goes without saying.

Not for you. Oh.

Not hot chocolate? Oh, I don't drink hot chocolate anymore.

Now do you want me? No!

Off how? Well, I know you, Hubie Dubois.

Officer Steve! I'm sorry, buddy.

Officer Steve. Not now, Hubie.

Oh, and, uh… Yes?

Oh, for sure. Cookies are done.

Oh, my God. Miss Valentine, this is for you.

Oh, say, that's some heck of a thermos. Yeah, that's my baby.

Oh, well, that's nice. Yeah.

Okay? Copy.

Okay? Yeah.

Okay. Hubie, I will lock you up.

Okay. It's such a…

Okay. Go ahead, guys. Take care, now. Thanks, Mr. Dubois.

Okay. Yeah. Lambardi's Pizza's doin' a sale tomorrow.

Ooh! Ooh! Yeah!

Ooh. The unfortunate dangling Dave.

Our kids are so creative. They are amazing. Mmm!

People who have messed with him. Did the Hennesseys mess with Hubie, too?

Please don't. Hubie, stop her.

Right, baby? Yes, we do. Oh!

Salem PD. Yes. Your officer, this is Hubie Dubo...

Show us what you've got. Please. Let's see it. Oh, my God.

Shut up! Shut it!

Smell my feet. Really?

Something different. Jeez, man.

Stormhawk, abort! I thought you were out of my league.

Straight to pumpkin? Yeah.

Thank you. What brings you here?

Thanks for calling. Sit on it, pal.

Thanks, Dad. Yeah, of course.

Thanks! Have fun!

That sounds like a donkey. No. How about…

That was even crazier than last year! Yes!

That... that was... that was... Ah...

That's good. I'm Pete Landolfa.

That's not funny. All good, baby, okay?

That's okay, Hubie. Hubie!

That's on me. No.

There's your killer. Salem PD.

This is Hubie Dubois. Hubie, I'm standing right behind you.

To be continued, I guess. Oh, you guess?

To Heaven? No. Probably going to Hell, Hubie.

To trust the honor system. Hello!

Tommy! Tommy! Oh, my God!

Tommy's keeping an eye on them. Tommy?

Uh, no, thanks. Your friends?

Untie us, dummy! Come on, you stupid dummy!

Untie us, now! Are you paying attention?

Ups and downs, emotionally. Yeah. My dad was a serious man.

Very brave. Yeah, maybe too brave.

Wait, you talking about my dog, Buster. That was Walter Lambert!

Walter Lambert? Yeah.

Walter who? Lambert.

Wasn't she, like, 70? I liked the way she smelled.

Watch it, GI Jackass. You wanna die?

We didn't find them. Hey! It's okay. We'll figure it out.

We talked about this before. I just keep hearing myself.

Well, at least everybody's safe. No one in Salem is safe tonight.

Well, now I feel bad. I know you feel bad.

Well, now I feel bad. I know you feel bad.

Well, then I better do this now. My God. No, lady. Wait.

Well, then I better do this now. My God. No, lady. Wait.

What a bunch of jerks. Should we go tell him it's a prank?

What the hell? I gotta go, Kenny.

What was that? What was that about?

What? Hello?

What? I'm just kidding.

What? Yeah, not on my watch.

What's up, old man? Got some ID for that drink?

What's your problem? I got a problem?

Where are you? Should we split up?

Which party? One manly black coffee.

Who the hell is that? It's not moving.

Why don't you just go see what it is? On it.

Why would you mace me? Yo.

Why? Stormhawk, repeat, abort!

With his ping pong paddle at the ready! Oh, my God!

Yeah, I heard you the first time. Yeah, I said it twice, it's important.

Yeah, well… Dad, don't forget your sash.

Yeah. And have a happy Halloween.

Yeah. Thanks.

Yes, sir. It means someone who needs help.

Yes, we did. You were the first kid to get earrings.

Yes! Oh, yeah!

You did me a favor. Thank you. Did you do anything fun?

You don't have to say over. Okay.

You gotta be kiddin' me. Dialing.

You had one this morning. Well, I quit.

You happen to have any A1 Sauce? Yeah.

You moved here? I'm Walter Lambert.

You surprised? No.

You want me to kick his ass, Father? Not yet. But stay close.

You're right. What is this package they talkin' about?

…Hubie. With an H.

…she had a couple glasses of Chardonnay. Her guard was down,

…this town is as full of bullies now as it ever was in the 1600s.

'Cause he will be in a world of pain.

'Cause I am going to scare the living crap out of him.

'Cause I do. They're right here.

'Cause I got a lot to do.

'Cause I just moved in right there this morning.

'Cause I live right over here.

'cause I make the best chili east side of the Rockies.

'cause I'm old school, Teresa.

'Cause the whole school was throwing food and sharp objects at him.

'Cause they called her a witch and ended up like this fella.

'Cause you know I'm more than capable of it.

"Best looking."

"Boner donor?" Now, what does that even mean?

"Most popular."

"Smoke 'em if you got..." What the hell is he talking about?

(\an8) Bye! Love you, Daddy!

(\an8) Excuse me. May I say something? Yes. Please, go ahead.

(\an8) What could the G stand for? Go home?

(\an8) What the hell? It's for the best.

(\an8)"Most friendly."

(\an8)"Most likely to marry his pillow." Still don't get that one.

(\an8)Ah, the good old days.

(\an8)And all the candy I used before the collapsing of...

(\an8)And… action!

(\an8)Bye! We love you. We'll see you later!

(\an8)Ghost. Scary. But also the key to Halloween safety.

(\an8)Help me!

(\an8)Help me!

(\an8)Hubert Shubert Dubois, do you hear me?

(\an8)Hubie!

(\an8)I'll see you at the apple bobbing contest at ten o'clock tonight.

(\an8)Murder!

(\an8)No! No! No! No!

(\an8)So, um…

(\an8)Thank you, Danielle and everybody.

(\an8)That's a good roommate.

(\an8)This has been a magical night in Salem, Massachusetts.

(\an8)We are here and we are live at an unfolding scene of Halloween horror.

(\an8)What are we screaming at?

(\an8)What are you?

(\an8)What are you?

(\an8)What the what?

(\an8)When I was a kid, I used to build a tower with all my candy.

(\an8)Who are you?

(\an8)Yeah. No, it was fun throwing hot dogs at him.