UHF Edit

A file that represented two months of intensive research.

A giant warehouse of spatulas for every occasion.

A red snapper.

A serious discussion about our various career options.

A sophisticated piece of machinery like this...

A trophy.

A twinkie wiener sandwich!

A UHF station!

A unique business opportunity.

About this Channel 62.

About what goes on at a television station.

Absolutely nothing!

After 15 years, they just toss me out

Ah, Foofie, are you psyched?

Ah, George, you know I couldn't do that.

Ah, Richard, you shouldn't have.

Ah! Ooh!

Ah.

Aha!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

AIRLINE ANNOUNCER: Continental flight 414 now arriving

All in good time, Mr. Bilchik.

All right, it's a deal. Thanks a lot.

All right, now, just take it easy.

All right, say it again.

All right, who's got the research report?

All this week on "Town Talk."

ALL: To "Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse"!

Also provides him with his own home when he sleeps.

Always controversial, he deals with topics

And "Fun with Dirt."

And all of a sudden, they'll say, "Hey! We screwed up!

And as soon as you sign these,

And because we eliminate the middleman,

And bugs and hairballs and stuff.

And business was great tonight.

And don't forget to visit our new salad bar.

And don't forget, kids,

And forced into weight loss programs...

And from now on, you can forget all my birthdays

And he's got this hard, protective shell

And how much life sucks

And how we're all gonna grow old and die someday.

And I don't want it to pop its ugly, greasy head around here,

And I'll be back in a few days

And I'll tell you about it then, hmm?

And I'm not gonna take it anymore!"

And it lives at Channel 8. And I've seen it,

And most of all, he gets the ratings.

And not too many people know this,

And now our sponsors are pulling their accounts.

And outstanding invoices,

And sometimes life gets full of dirt and crud

And sometimes, sometimes life sticks to the floor so bad,

And start all over again and...

And take that ridiculous thing off!

And that eventually, when the time was right,

And then join us for some hilarious fun on the all new

And there was this weird lizard, you know...

And there were these other birds, you know,

And they work for weeks and weeks

And this is my friend Bob.

And this time, he's mad.

And TV Star."

And we're in competition with other networks,

And welcome to...

And welcome to... Raul's Wild Kingdom,

And what better way to say "I love you"

And yank as hard as you can!

And you gotta... you gotta really scrub.

And you won't want to miss "Celebrity Mud Wrestling,"

And, boy, oh, boy are we gonna have some big fun today.

And, boy, oh, boy,

And, hey, Mom,

And, oh, yeah, they hate it when you do this.

And, this weekend only, take advantage of our special liquidation sale.

And, why?

ANNOUNCER: Are you tired of sloppy, cut rate funerals?

ANNOUNCER: Conan the Librarian.

ANNOUNCER: Conan the Librarian.

ANNOUNCER: He blew the lid off Satanism.

ANNOUNCER: He's a one man wrecking crew.

ANNOUNCER: It's a whole new weekend on U 62,

ANNOUNCER: Never before in the history of motion pictures

ANNOUNCER: Sometimes shocking,

ANNOUNCER: Spatula City! Seven locations!

ANNOUNCER: The world watched in amazement as he unlocked the mysteries

ANNOUNCER: There is only one law...

ANNOUNCER: There's just one place to go

ANNOUNCER: There's lots of fun coming your way

ANNOUNCER: This is a special bulletin from the U 62 news room.

ANNOUNCER: This is one bad mother

Anything special you want, you just let me know.

Anything.

Are we gonna have big fun today.

Are you daydreaming again?

Are you kids having a good time?

Are you ready, Weaver?

Are you ready? Okay.

Are you sure he knows what restaurant we're at?

Aren't you R.J. Fletcher?

As a festering bowl of dog snot.

As a festering bowl of dog snot.

As he is repeatedly crushed and maimed!

As we premiere our dazzling new game show

As you "Stay fit!" With Mike and Spike.

At $10 apiece.

At a fraction of retail cost?

Aw, George,

Aw, jeez, you better not let Big Edna see that.

Bad news, Mr. Bilchik.

Badgers?

Badgers?

BARTENDER: Yeah. We're watching it, too.

Be there! Huh huh, yah.

Because he's got imagination."

Because of some fly by night UHF station!

Because the mayor is supposed to be coming out any minute.

Because they're real fishy.

Because tomorrow is another day.

Because we're through.

Been thoroughly crushed and defeated,

Beer.

Before attempting to operate

Before this transaction takes place.

Beginner's class today, huh?

Besides, a little competition

Besides, he's going to California.

Betty, hold my calls.

Big Louie is a very punctual kind of guy, you know what I mean?

Blue.

Blueberry daiquiri.

Bob o's been eating Yappy's Dog Treats.

BOB ON INTERCOM: Okay, Philo, go to commercial.

BOB: George.

BOB: Hey, where are you going?

BOB: How could you do this to me?

BOB: Now, we're not asking for donations.

BOB: Yeah, and what are you gonna do about Fletcher?

Bob?

BOTH: Whoa!

Boy, I really like what you've done with your hair.

Boy, it's quite a scene this morning

Broads don't belong in broadcasting.

Building these intricate little tunnels.

BUM: Nope.

But don't you worry,

But he also knows how to party.

But I don't want them to do that.

But I love anchovies

But I...

But I... I didn't...

But I've been watching you lately.

But if that doesn't work, if that doesn't work, you can't give up.

But it's just something I had to do. Don't worry about it.

But now I'm gonna have to take you

But now, as luck would have it,

But the turtle is also nature's suction cup.

But there is one good thing about broadcasting

But we've still got a long way to go.

But why? Why?

But, I don't work here.

Buy 9 spatulas, get the 10th one for just one penny.

Can I help you?

Can I help you?

Can single handedly disrupt and destroy

Can withstand a sudden charge of 60,000 volts.

Can you believe that? I...

Can you tell me where I can find a book on astronomy?

Change? You got change?

Change? You got change?

Channel 62?

Channel 62? Oh, yes.

Chief engineer.

Clowns and kids alike can't resist the mouth watering, lip smacking taste

Come here, come here, Foofie.

Come on, big fish!

Come on, Bob. Cheer up, will you?

Come on, forget about it. It's only a mop.

Come on, George. We're busy here.

Come on, give me one more chance, please!

Come on, Teri!

Come on! Come on!

Come on. Let's go check it out.

Come to Mama! Come on!

Coming to you live from my apartment.

Coming to you with an interview with Mr. Earl Ramsey.

Coming to you with the most incredible turn of events.

Compounded by ongoing fixed expenses

CROWD: Aw!

Dad? Where's my dad?

Darlin', let's leave this place right now.

Dear friends,

Did you have a good time in there, Stanley?

Did you see that? It sticks! Ha!

Do I have to remind you that we are a network affiliate?

Do I still get to be the janitor?

Do you believe this?

Do you mind, George?

Do you mind? Get out of my way.

Do you realize that stealing mail is a federal offense?

Do you see anything missing from this desk?

Do you see that file on my desk now?

Do you think that your brain would blow up?

Does this look like a No. 2 pencil?

Don't even breathe.

Don't forget, they make great Christmas presents.

Don't let your mom know that you do this.

Don't move, Spadowski.

Don't spend it all in one place.

Don't tell me we actually showed up on the list.

Don't worry, Bob. It's just like working in a fish market,

Don't you already own Channel 8?

Don't you like "Bonanza"?

Earth to George.

Easy, easy.

Effective immediately, you're off the air.

Eternal peace at affordable prices.

Every minute that Stanley's not on the air, we're losing money.

Exactly where I want them.

Except you don't have to clean and gut fish all day.

Excuse me?

Excuse me.

First, slam your way to health

Five... four...

FLETCHER III.: Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor!

FLETCHER: But I feel it is my duty as a concerned citizen

FLETCHER: Harvey.

FLETCHER: I have decided not to tear down the building after all.

FLETCHER: Now let me tell you something...

FLETCHER: The community? Let me tell you something.

FLETCHER: This is indeed a sad day for Channel 8.

FLETCHER: What are you doing here?

FLETCHER: You idiot! Can't you do anything I tell you to do?

Followed by "Underwater Bingo for Teens"

For all your spatula needs.

For good.

For irresponsible pus brains!

For the next three months.

For those of you just joining us,

Forget about it.

Forget it, pal.

Four porcupines, two armadillos, three badgers.

Friday night, 10:00.

Friends,

From a guy who says he can swallow his own face.

From common household items.

From Crazy Ernie's Used Car Emporium.

From his annual city budget meeting.

From job to job ever since I've known you.

From Los Angeles at gate seven.

From the owner and general manager of Channel 8,

Gee, I don't know.

Gee...

Gentlemen, what can I get you?

George doesn't know I'm here.

George Newman has turned that little station

George Newman is a two bit little punk

George Newman? You are a selfish,

George, I want you to know that I'm mighty proud to be a part of your team.

George, my friend, he gave me this mop.

George, wait till you hear this.

George, we're the number one station in town.

George, what's the matter?

George, you know, I was wondering, like...

George, you're my best friend in the whole world.

GEORGE: But my uncle Harvey...

GEORGE: Fletcher...

GEORGE: Hey, he trusts me.

GEORGE: Well, I see you've brought some equipment with you today.

GEORGE: What are you doing?

George!

George! George, dear, can you come over here for a second?

George?

Get out of here.

Get out of my office!

Get out!

Get ready and fly!

Get this. I get a call this morning

Give it a big spin!

Give me a steak, medium rare.

Go ahead, really. Please. Just bash it right in!

Go ahead.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Got the delivery here for your next show.

Great to see you. R.J. Fletcher.

Great! How'd you like to do it every day?

Gun control is for wimps and Commies.

Guns don't kill people.

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Happy Birthday.

Happy Father's Day, Dad.

Harvey Bilchik is flying in tonight to close the deal.

Harvey Bilchik, get in here!

Harvey Bilchik.

Harvey, have you been gambling again?

Harvey, I know somebody who'd be perfect for the job.

Harvey, I still don't understand

Has there been a screen presence

Have you finished your meeting?

He delivers us this package. It's supposed to go to R.J. Fletcher.

He doesn't want to be bothered with it.

He gets the answers. He gets the facts.

He got a 60 share! Do you know what this means?

He pries, he pokes, he digs deep.

He probably threw it out when he was cleaning up in here.

He starts where the others stop.

He what?

He's back,

He's Conan the Librarian.

He's out to kick some butt.

Heh heh heh!

Hello, and welcome to town talk.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello.

Hello. Ha! Isn't he great, huh?

Hello. This is Sy Greenblum, president of Spatula City.

Help. Let me out."

Here he is now. I think that we should be able...

Here it is. Been sitting here all the time.

Here we go.

Here.

Hey, are you all right?

Hey, Big Louie. What's happening?

Hey, come on. Can't you help a guy out?

Hey, Dad,

Hey, everybody,

Hey, everybody, they're back.

Hey, George.

Hey, hey. Who's next? Ah, Gigi.

Hey, how about if I take you and your folks out to dinner?

Hey, how about that cartoon? That was a weird cartoon, wasn't it?

Hey, I didn't get an umbrella.

Hey, kids, where do you want to go?

Hey, kids, where do you want to go?

Hey, Kuni.

Hey, listen, Louie.

Hey, Louie.

Hey, man. This is Raul Hernandez,

Hey, mister!

Hey, mister!

Hey, my shirt glows in the dark!

Hey, nice going, kid.

Hey, R.J.!

Hey, Stanley, congratulations. You really pulled us through.

Hey, Stanley.

Hey, sweetheart, take my advice.

Hey, wait a minute.

Hey, welcome back to "Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse."

Hey, what's going on here?

Hey, you guys!

Hey, you really went beyond the call of duty on this one, pal. Thanks.

Hey, you really went beyond the call of duty on this one, pal. Thanks.

Hey! Hey, I know you.

Hey! W wait a minute.

Hey! What are you complaining about?

Hey.

Hey. Wanna go for a ride?

Hi, George. Well, I finished with the TV show.

Hi, Pamela Finklestein here

Hi, Teri. It's George.

Hi! George Newman, U 62.

Hi. I'm George Newman.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Hi. Pamela Finklestein here,

Hi. Richard Fletcher. Channel 8 news.

His law.

Hiya, George.

Hold on. You don't understand...

Hold these.

Honey, where's the spatula?

Hope you enjoy it!

How about if I just come back later?

How about that, huh?

How much did you say that was again?

How one small television station

How would you like your own TV Show?

How's everything?

Howdy, friends. It's Crazy Ernie

Huh, kids? (LAUGHING)

Huh?

Huh.

I always know I've got them

I am going to turn it into a laundromat.

I ask you!

I can't believe it!

I can't believe the incompetence in this place.

I can't delay the broadcast

I can't stand those sniveling maggots.

I come before you tonight

I could be part of them?

I didn't know you had it in you.

I didn't mean for it to... whoa!

I don't believe this.

I don't know about this, George. I mean, I don't know the first thing

I don't know how many times I've told those boys

I don't know, George.

I don't know, something like, uh...

I don't pay you to think!

I don't really think that's such a good idea.

I don't see a Noodles MacIntire.

I don't see it. When did you put it here?

I don't want to have to tell you this again.

I figure this station will be flat broke by the end of the week.

I finished polishing all the doorknobs.

I got an itch. I got an itch.

I got an itch. I got an itch.

I got enough cars to choke a camel!

I got enough money to buy a whole bunch of shares,

I got so many cars people come up to me and say,

I got three guys out here

I guess I'll have to turn this place into a parking lot.

I guess you know why I called you in here.

I guess you know why I called you in here.

I heard he's not the nicest guy in the world.

I just don't know anymore.

I just don't know what's wrong with me!

I just thought I ought to tell you, sir, there's a lot of talk in the street

I just want you to know that I'm so proud of you.

I just wanted to congratulate you, Mr. Bilchik.

I kind of like the idea of us having our own TV station.

I knew she was going to say that.

I knew this was gonna happen.

I left the report on your desk, sir.

I lied. There is no good news.

I like peppers.

I liked their spatulas so much, I bought the company.

I love you. (KISSING)

I mean, isn't it illegal to own two television stations in the same town?

I mean, like, you're going real fast, like the speed of light,

I mean, what time do you normally go home?

I mean, you've been wandering aimlessly

I miss my first mop, but this is still a good mop.

I must now return to my home

I never had anybody give me a trophy before.

I never should have taken this job.

I own this place now.

I promised George that I'd give him a chance

I really thought this was gonna be different.

I should have known it would turn out like all the others.

I sure am, Kuni.

I think he... oh yeah, here comes the mayor now. Let's go over.

I think he's having some sort of last minute business meeting.

I think I got a little water in the phone here.

I think I've proven my point.

I think it's time you boys paid

I think you'd just better clear out your desk and get out.

I think you're developing a bad attitude here.

I thought I told you I wanted a Rolex!

I thought you never wanted to see me again.

I told them that in another couple of hours

I told you, I just gotta wrap up a little business deal,

I turned into a bird with a candy bar head.

I wa... I wanna show you something... ugh!

I want to find the toy.

I want to make sure that you're very comfortable.

I want to show you

I want to show you something.

I want you to take this crowbar and...

I was just wondering if it's too late

I will not tolerate this kind of behavior at Channel 8.

I would be moved up to news, which is really my forte.

I wouldn't wanna keep him waiting.

I'd let you have all the time you wanted, but you know,

I'd like to talk to you about Channel 62.

I'll be expecting payment in two days.

I'll handle this.

I'll meet you at Cafe Francais at 7:30, okay?

I'll see you kids later.

I'll sue.

I'll take the box! The box!

I'll take whatever you got left.

I'll tell you what, George. Let's start fresh.

I'll wash them for you.

I'm a miserable, worthless hunk of slime.

I'm dead meat.

I'm George Newman, and today our special guest

I'm glad to have been of service, George.

I'm gonna club this baby seal!

I'm gonna do a really good job. You won't be sorry.

I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

I'm gonna go show everybody right now.

I'm gonna, I'm gonna eat some corn flakes.

I'm in hell! Teri!

I'm mighty glad to meet you, George.

I'm not so sure about this.

I'm Philo.

I'm really gonna do a good job for you, George. I'm a good janitor.

I'm sorry.

I'm sure he'd be happy to lend us money.

I'm sure that one day you'll realize

I'm sure you'll get another job right away.

I'm telling you, George, Fletcher's behind this. I just know it.

I'm the new station manager.

I've been working on some new ideas.

I've got all the cash right here.

I've noticed your that station is late

If nobody comes down and buys a car from me in the next hour,

If there were only some way we could keep an eye on him.

If we succeed, then the station will belong to all of us.

If you could just get that overactive imagination of yours

If you didn't drool all over yourself first.

If you hadn't stuck your face in our business...

If you took their combined IQ and multiplied it by 100,

In fact, I'd like to present you with a small token of my gratitude.

In filing its license renewal this year.

In the futile pursuit of a sadistic roadrunner...

In two days.

Inside every box of Mrs. Hockenburger's...

Into something this community cares about.

Is always good for the community.

Is check out the wonderful world of turtles.

Is local high school shop teacher Joe Earley.

Is my face red! Oh.

Is punishable by a stiff fine,

Is that the kind of professional courtesy you teach your news department?

Is there anything else you want me to do?

Is there something I can do to help?

Is this a face you could die for?

Is this it?

Is to sell 7,500 of these

Isn't it a little late for you to be working?

It is an ancient, sacred Hovitos symbol.

It just may take a few minutes longer than we expected.

It may even shock you.

It works.

It'll be a good chance to meet the competition.

It's a friendly place.

It's a giant supermarket of cars!

It's a little UHF station on the edge of town.

It's a pretty good mop. It's not as good as my first mop.

It's a Rolex. See?

It's a sad, depressing story about a pathetic coyote

It's a toy man.

It's an orange. Get it?

It's been on the brink of bankruptcy for years.

It's certain death for anyone who enters.

It's getting pretty late. Why don't you call it a night?

It's just not fair.

It's kind of hard to get promoted

It's my guess that you threw it out.

It's not good enough... it's not good enough.

It's over.

It's so good to hear from you.

It's your pal, Bob o the Clown!

It's... it's big.

Joe, thanks for joining us.

Joel Miller! Let's hear it for him!

Just anchovies 'cause they're good.

Just bash my head right in!

Just call me Mr. Butterfingers.

Just look at how much Bob o here likes them.

Just shut up, kid.

Keep in touch.

KUNI: Stupid!

KUNI: Today, one of these lucky contestants

Lesbian Nazi hookers abducted by UFOs

Let go, you idiot!

Let go!

Let go. This is station property.

Let go. This is station property.

Let me kill him.

Let's find it.

Let's get back to the meeting.

Let's go this very minute.

Let's see what's in the box!

Let's see...

Letting you run his TV station.

Like an old bag of moldy tangerines.

Like, if you were traveling through outer space,

Listen, I can see you guys are pretty busy.

Listen, let's get one thing straight.

Listen, we'll definitely have the money for you,

Look at all the old reruns this station is airing.

Look at this face.

Look at what George gave me!

Look out.

Look what I got here, Bob.

Look, all I was trying to say...

Look, I thought we could...

Look, it just seems to me that

Look, kid, if it was up to me,

Look!

Lookie here! I got red cars, I got green cars!

MacIntosh at your service.

MAN: Got a pizza here for Mr. Stanley Spadowski.

MAN: Hey, baldy!

MAN: Hey, mister!

MAN: Is this it?

MAN: Look everybody! He's coming back on!

Mashed potatoes? My favorite!

May I call you Stanley?

May I speak to you for a moment?

Maybe we can borrow some money from your Uncle Harvey.

Maybe we can get a few words out of him.

Maybe you could... (SIGHS)

Me? I thought you hired him.

Mine's a two seater.

Miss Phyllis Weaver.

Mm, boy!

Mmm.

Mmm. That's good.

Mmm. Very tasty.

More people watch the fish tank at Leo's pet store.

Mr. Bilchik, while you're here in town,

My demolition team is looking forward

My mop!

My name is Philo,

My uncle Harvey wanted you to have this.

My! Where did you get that lovely spatula?

Never call chicks "broads."

Next, everybody's favorite, Chef Bernie invites you to go...

No matter what happens tonight,

No more Mr. Passive Resistance.

No peppers or olives or onions.

No, dear, please. Let's wait till tomorrow.

No, I... I don't mind. Go... go right ahead.

No, I'm not here about a job.

No, no, I was just admiring how clean and shiny this grill is.

No, no, like this.

No, no, no, George, get me some bubbles,

No, not him. Forget it. No way.

No, sorry.

No, Stanley. That's okay.

No, thank you. We'll wait.

No, thanks. Just taking a few measurements.

No, you don't understand how serious a crime this is.

No, you moron.

No! No! It's my mop!

No. I've looked all over.

No. No. Please. It's all I've got left!

No. That's okay. I I'll take it over myself.

No. The boss just wants us to keep him on ice for a while.

Nobody here appreciates a guy with a good imagination.

None of your horses came in.

Noodles, those things are fragile.

NOODLES: Oh, did I do that?

Nope.

Nope.

Not any more, buddy!

Not at all.

Not at all.

Not gonna get me.

Not now, okay?

Not only has the once powerful corporate broadcasting giant

Not unless you've got $75,000.

Not with a bunch of punks broadcasting out of a closet!

Nothing!

Now I don't even have a job anymore.

Now listen to me. There was a very important file on this desk,

Now look at Mr. Frying Pan.

Now, I'm calling out an SOS!

Now, look carefully.

Now, Mr. Ramsey is the president of the local chapter

Now, normally, this kind of violation

Now, remember, you gotta pace yourself.

Now, wait just one minute! What do think you're doing?

Now, what are we doing here?

Now!

Now...

Now...

Now... what do you say we take care of a little business?

Of Al Capone's glove compartment.

Of Mrs. Hockenburger's Butter Cookies.

Of the American Gun Association.

Oh, and he's got these tiny, teeny little legs

Oh, blow it out your ear, scuzbag.

Oh, boy!

Oh, boy!

Oh, come on. He can't be all that bad.

Oh, didn't I tell you?

Oh, duh.

Oh, excuse me, Louie.

Oh, George,

Oh, George, that is just terrible.

Oh, George! George, you've got to do something.

Oh, great. What you got?

Oh, he'll be out soon.

Oh, hi, George.

Oh, hi, honey.

Oh, ho, ho, thanks a lot, mister.

Oh, I bet I know. You're hungry, aren't you?

Oh, I just want to see if my interociter

Oh, Joel Miller,

Oh, look!

Oh, look! It's a toy man.

Oh, no.

Oh, okay. It's a deal.

Oh, right.

Oh, shut up, you pinhead!

Oh, Teri!

Oh, thanks, mister.

Oh, that's the deed to Channel 62.

Oh, that's too bad.

Oh, uh, no, sir. No, uh...

Oh, um... sure.

Oh, well, I guess I'll just have to send it back to him tomorrow.

Oh, will you look at that?

Oh, yeah, yeah,

Oh, yeah? I won again, huh?

Oh, yeah? Who's that?

Oh, yeah. I think we'll have the...

Oh, you don't understand.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Oh, Teri!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Well, George...

Oh. Well, we'll have to take your car.

Oh...

Oh...

Oh...

Oh... do I have to?

Okay, bye.

Okay, come on, come on, come on, shut up, shut up.

Okay, first thing we're gonna do today

Okay, Fletcher...

Okay, give me the bad news first.

Okay, I'll call you later.

Okay, kids, let's go.

Okay, kids, where do you want to go?

Okay, let's play the game.

Okay, Mouseketeers, come on.

Okay, okay. I know a lot of you people

Okay, so, the turtle is a member of the reptile family,

Okay, talk to you later.

Okay, Weaver, listen carefully.

Okay, you get over there and spin the Wheel of Fish.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.