Unicorn Store Edit

A good day.

A real one, not pretend.

A unicorn will love you forever, Kit.

Aaron and Matt are already on the account,

About professional single women getting murdered,

About the lingerie.

Actually... Um...

Again.

Ah.

Al right, I'm gonna get you some tea. How about tea, right?

All of these kids, they've got a pretty sad story

All right, well, um, we'll just go get some pita chips,

All right, well, we'll just try the screen on...

All right, well, we're going to work.

All right.

All these paintings you did in school, they won't sell.

All you need to do is a simple typing test.

Am I pretty enough to be sexually harassed?

And a pretty good reason for hiding from who they really are.

And also, are you gonna murder me?

And build a new thing out of this.

And do you think that you could put the magazines inside the copier

And don't let her go searching for people that can't see who she really is.

And every time I do, I just want to draw rainbow kittens.

And for her parents...

And Gary really does believe in me.

And he he screamed like a little child.

And he has a beautiful head of hair.

And here...

And hug the shit out of your very own precious pink unicorn?

And I am The Salesman.

And I came with McSalsa and chips.

And I don't really have to worry about their feelings.

And I have a secret, and it's really good. Are you gonna tell me what this secret is or what?

And I love you.

And I read books, so...

And I see you're taking a crack at the cursed vacuums.

And I should probably watch that.

And I would make jewelry shaped like little food.

And I'm gonna love it, and it's gonna be my best friend in the whole world.

And I've made a decision.

And I've taken a temporary position at a public relations firm.

And if she doesn't, then she can just go back to her sad little forest, okay?

And it would be so filled with love and magic

And it would be...

And it's finally happening, and...

And it's something we tell the kids all the time. Okay?

And Karen was abused by a neighbor.

And maybe, if we're lucky, we can just buy it in a store.

And now I can use a sliding compound miter saw.

And now that this dream is coming true, it just makes me think...

And proof of financial responsibility and some other forms speculating on

And she didn't try hard enough to like things that are disgusting.

And she'll be working very hard to achieve said goals.

And so, in conclusion,

And that he's gonna give it to her.

And the opposite of murder.

And then I found Temporary Success.

And then other people say that they're nuts

And then they took it on a Disney vacation...

And then you decide, okay?

And then, uh, my parents bought a dog.

And there I was, sitting on my couch, flipping through the channels,

And there was a recreational lounge.

And there was one time you got so mad that you lost that you...

And there was this like giant screen right here,

And there's only so much time you can spend talking to your stuffed animals

And these are my curtains.

And they are for real superstars who actually know what they are doing.

And they'll love you forever.

And they're all, like, "We're burning these up."

And this unicorn is gonna love all of my energies,

And what do you and Steve like to do?

And what do you think about that?

And who are we to say what's real or not real

And who are you?

And whoops, it's all over the floor.

And wi fi.

And you guys reminisce.

And you like what you're doing?

And you will.

And you'll have to go hiking with your own spirit self or some shit.

And you're gonna be just fine.

And you're gonna play checkers with her whenever she wants.

And, like, Virgil seems like someone I can relate to, like...

And, uh, at first I thought it was cute,

And, you know, it's a little sexist that you think so.

And...

And... and coffee.

And... you know...

Any questions?

Anyway, um... have a good day.

Are these fairies cleaning your house, or just regular people?

Are we in the right building? This just isn't right.

Are we seeing another presentation?

Are you building a better place?

Are you building another place?

Are you cleaning up?

Are you gonna have to broadcast? You can tell me. Tell me in a whisper.

Are you kidding me?

Are you making fun of me?

Are you really getting a horse?

Are you still using that super sad profile picture?

Are you tired of feeling like a failure?

Are you Virgil?

As a person who works in a unicorn store,

As I mentioned some time before, I've signed up with a temporary agency

As I mentioned, Angie, Kit's just a temp, so...

Baby.

Bake it cookies?

Basically.

Beautiful.

Because a lot of people with my same name have done terrible things.

Because I have other more meaningful things in my life.

Because I keep trying to draw vacuums

Because I think that they know so many things.

Because I'm a delivery guy and 'cause I'm kind of hot, but...

Because I've always had a dream where I could open my own Etsy shop,

Because Jesus isn't just walking around on this earth,

Because let me tell you this. I tried the 30 day fiber fun diet for seven days.

Because that name doesn't really sound like a hardware store guy type name,

Because that's really funny.

Because this is nothing that you're gonna have to handle or take care of.

Because you're gonna freak out.

Before you press the button that says "copy"?

Before you start to want more.

Behold the whimsical land

Behold!

Behold!

Behold!

Boy, these kids, it makes them dig deep.

Braid its hair?

Bring it in.

Bringing a unicorn here is not an easy or inexpensive endeavor.

Brush their hair, and shiny them up a bit.

Build a home worthy of a unicorn.

But better than a pony.

But first there are... certain requirements.

But he doesn't think that he's one.

But he says that there's another woman who wants it, too.

But I didn't give him any money. I just had to prove that I deserved a unicorn.

But I I really wish that I could just vacuum them up, you know?

But I know you have a tape measure.

But I think you and your unicorn could have a great future.

But I will.

But instead, I've been here with you.

But it's... it's Kit's share.

But more important than that... how are you?

But my parents wouldn't pay for the lessons?

But new Kit has achievable life goals,

But no.

But not the regular kind of love that fades, or changes, or goes away.

But now it seems like it could be true,

But smaller than a horse.

But the people who do believe it really do,

But they are.

But this Gary's record is clean.

But unicorns aren't real.

But we could use some of the wood.

But we'll do it Monday.

But you don't seem like that. That's my point.

But you have until Monday to come up with something, yeah?

But you told me to.

But you worked it out, right? 'Cause we have your unicorn!

But you're not a Care Bear.

But, um, you need to talk to Virgil. He can help you right out, okay?

But...

But... I just don't know.

By building an entire unicorn store?

Bye bye.

Bye, Virgil.

Can I give you a little friendly advice from one woman to another?

Can I help you?

Can I see your portfolio?

Can you understand that?

Cleaning never looked so good.

Come come sit down, honey.

Come in!

Come in.

Come on.

Come on. Okay, baby.

Consisting of g****fruits, and flax seeds,

Creating the artwork for the new Mystic Vac Vacuum.

Dad, I am keeping myself just as busy as Kevin is.

Depression can make you feel deeply unloved,

Despondica can help.

Did you always know that this was what you wanted to do,

Did you do all of this?

Did you ever think that maybe I actually like you?

Did you Google my name before you came here today?

Did you know that?

Did you meet some new people or make some friends?

Did you quit your job at the hardware store?

Did you really ride up here in the elevator?

Do my parents like my dog more than they like me?

Do they ride up the elevator?

Do you have a nurturing family environment?

Do you have dimensions for this horse?

Do you have enough love in your life for this unicorn?

Do you know about a place called The Store?

Do you know how to push a button on a copier that says "copy"?

Do you know what magazines are?

Do you need to use the copy machine?

Do you think you could do this one for me?

Do you want a best friend? I will be your best friend.

Do you want a puppy?

Do you want the unicorn?

Do you want, uh, some breakfast? Can I get you a pop tart?

Do you?

Do your parents call you, like, every day?

Does it read a little childish?

Does she want to come out of there?

Don't be scared.

Don't you want to just jump into that screen

Dreams!

Drinks coffee,

Enjoy it while it lasts.

Especially with a vacuum that has 30% more power than the leading brand.

Even when she thinks that there is nobody who could love her in the whole world.

Everybody needs some magic in their lives, even if they're all grown up.

Everything I've achieved is super attainable.

Exactly how she is.

Excellent job, Matt, Aaron.

Except he wants to help me remove all my layers.

Fear.

Feel it.

Feel like you want to try sharing?

Figure it out.

Fine. Good. I'll be there.

First day of what?

For selling the things that they sell?

For your... imaginary friend?

Forever.

Forever.

Forever.

Full of mystery and wonder, but I'm getting a unicorn friend.

Gangster children, they they just cry.

Gary, I have been thinking a lot about my long term goals.

Gary, what about you?

Gary's assistant.

Gene?

Get out there and show us what you can do.

Get out! Get out of my space!

Get ready for what?

Get ready.

Go, go, go!

Go. Go, go, go, go, go, go.

Gosh, I don't know if it's really totally quiet.

Great job with the canoe.

Grow! Grow!

Growing up, I never had a pet.

Growing up.

Guys, you did great.

Hang on.

Has anyone ever told you you are a very selfish person?

Has granted me the coveted position of assistant store manager.

Hatred in your heart is like a dagger to hers."

Have their own lives, their own dreams, their own reasons

Have you ever been in this situation before?

Having been separated from her parents,

Hay, hay, hay.

He fell in the river.

He just doesn't want to do it, I think.

He just said that you might help me with some work I need done on my house.

He said that you might take it on the side. Wink, wink. I don't know why Joel would say that or why he would wink.

He's a good looking kid.

He's got an apartment right by the mall,

He's in there?

He's older, but in that sort of old fashioned way,

He's the first artist to put a stick in a box.

Hello, parents.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Here...

Hey, Bob, there's one in my cubicle. I'll grab it for you, okay?

Hey, Kevin.

Hey, Kit!

Hey, Kit. Looking good. Got a letter for you.

Hey, take a look at this.

Hey, Virgil.

Hey, you need a bigger space.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hi, it's Virgil. Leave a message.

Hi, unicorn.

Hi.

Hilarious, because they don't even know each other, right?

Hmm, hello.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Holy shit.

Holy shit. Brock wants you.

Home again!

Honestly, Kit, truth be told,

Honey, I'm holding some hay.

Honey, what what is this?

Honey, what are you doing? What are you doing?

Honey, you remember Kevin.

Honey!

How about how about you, Kit?

How about we use this? How about we use my, um...

How about you, Kit?

How about you, Kit?

How did it go with your family? Was there hugging?

How did that make you feel?

How do you know that they'll love you forever?

How do you know where I work?

How do you like the new gym?

How much glitter do you have?

How to feed your unicorn in body and mind.

Huh, you don't really look like a Virgil.

Huh, you don't really look like a Virgil.

Huh?

Huh? I didn't hear you.

Huh.

Huh.

I am going to lock myself in my house,

I am so sorry, Kit, that we didn't build you a better playhouse.

I am.

I believe that they made you believe.

I called you Steve.

I can't believe

I can't get enough.

I decide what I'm off the hook!

I didn't qualify because I fought with my parents.

I didn't realize you'd have something ready.

I didn't really think that much about it because I'm just really excited.

I do crosswords, y'all.

I don't care! I need an answer.

I don't even want to live here.

I don't have negative energies.

I don't know how to be a grown up,

I don't know if you're ready for that one yet.

I don't know Kit, will it?

I don't know, but if that is a party, I better get one.

I don't know.

I don't know. It's just, when he said the name Virgil, I was sort of relieved,

I don't think so.

I don't want to be a temp forever.

I don't want to wonder my whole life.

I don't want you to be my best friend.

I don't want you to worry about this,

I don't.

I found this letter on my desk.

I get your point, but it's not sexist.

I give, to all of America, Mystic Vac.

I got a lady on the waiting list.

I gotta take this.

I guess it's not really a pet, because unicorns are independent creatures

I guess it's...

I guess they're just busy with their own lives.

I had been kicked out of school and was living in my parents' basement.

I had one of my...

I had to just build a stable, prove that I was financially capable.

I have a girlfriend.

I have a kind of personal question for you.

I have a vacuum presentation that I should be working on right now,

I have all the confetti... Why are you in a costume?

I have loving energies,

I have to know that you're for real.

I I don't believe you anymore.

I I I might hate rainbows.

I I really just want our house to be a happy one.

I just can't put that on them.

I just can't take any more rejection!

I just do what everybody else is doing.

I just saw something that I don't believe to be true.

I just took it out of the trash and hung it up.

I just want to tell you one thing.

I just went to Whole Foods to pick up some hay, but they didn't have it, so the trip was pointless.

I keep looking at 'em to make sure they're not gonna fall down, and they haven't yet.

I know that I screwed up.

I know that you think that I'm joking, but...

I know things.

I know what I want to do tomorrow.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know. It's this really weird place

I love the model.

I made that in my first art class.

I made that one as a kid.

I made that.

I made you a tiny hat.

I mean, I think it's great that she had the opportunity

I mean, who's Gary? He's just like my professor.

I need to find anything that you might have on unicorns.

I promise you, I'm not a crazy person. It was here!

I really am getting a unicorn,

I really like pound cake.

I see my problems, and they're all over the floor.

I specifically came here to work on our loving family energies.

I swear I didn't know I was pregnant.

I swear I will not freak out.

I take great offense in that.

I think I understand why I don't have a boyfriend.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

I think so.

I think that rowing is you're reaching into the future,

I think that there's something wrong with my brain.

I think that you're doing a really good job with the power tools.

I think you could have a really great future here, Kit,

I think you're smart enough to see what's happening here.

I thought that a unicorn lived in my closet, but...

I thought that I was getting a real live unicorn.

I took his class. He's extremely prolific in the art world.

I transferred to another store

I understand, but I think we need to honor that.

I used to dream about you.

I usually just get in fights with my Care Bears,

I want to be full time, maybe.

I want to see one up close.

I want to show you what I can do.

I was told by that guy with the walkie talkie

I wasn't before you said that.

I went by there yesterday.

I went on a date.

I will be making a breakfast for myself

I will!

I will.

I wish I could vacuum up all the haters.

I won't.

I would have liked to see that.

I would like to see what that looks like.

I would say you paid too much for a horse.

I wouldn't know.

I'd love to answer it.

I'll load it for you.

I'll probably be using a lot of them from now on.

I'll probably be working very long hours from now on, because as I've learned from the television set,

I'll say fear.

I'll tell Crystal that we're doing lunch?

I'm I'm happy, I'm I'm excited.

I'm a grown up now.

I'm a youth counselor there as of two weeks ago,

I'm confused, and...

I'm Crystal.

I'm Gary.

I'm getting a pet unicorn.

I'm getting a unicorn.

I'm getting hay.

I'm getting really nervous about this presentation,

I'm going to my room. Uh, about that...

I'm gonna gonna take care of everything.

I'm good.

I'm good. I'm good. I brought my portfolio to show you.

I'm in the market for some lumber.

I'm intrigued, Gary. I mean...

I'm just glad that we're, you know, talking, and...

I'm just kind of like busy.

I'm just really scared, so...

I'm Kit.

I'm Kit.

I'm not doing anything.

I'm not trying to save the day.

I'm okay now.

I'm proud of you.

I'm pumped.

I'm really liking the sexy lady vacuuming.

I'm saving up for an island.

I'm saying that I'm getting a unicorn.

I'm so glad you're having this experience.

I'm so stupid.

I'm sorry.

I'm starting to realize that that doesn't make any sense.

I'm stupid, but he says that the unicorn is there,

I've got plenty of hay.

If either of you are out for the day,

If I got a girl, I was gonna name her Zoe.

If I have one brought here,

If I told you...

If you want it.

If you want it.

If you were a building, this is what you'd look like.

In a vacuum that is powerful and also attractive?

In fact, I'm just realizing right now...

In my opinion, Truth Circle is bullshit, is what it is.

In order to ensure the safety and happiness of said magical creature,

In pink, blue, and multi color.

In the colors of our choice

In the lumber section to talk to a guy named Virgil.

In the mind of the true believer?

In your mystical...

Into the future, that's it.

Is it okay that I'm hugging you?

Is it personal? I can clear up my schedule.

Is it strong enough to withstand something kind of...

Is she okay?

Is something wrong?

Is that what this is?

Is that what you need done at your house? Need me to count some stuff?

Is that your playhouse?

Is there a way for you to do it tomorrow?

Is this the right place?

Is your shampoo coconut?

It did not do anything and I did not have any fun.

It doesn't mean I'm gonna do anything...

It doesn't smell like hay.

It feels electric.

It is so wonderful...

It is the best thing in the world.

It is, I bet.

It is.

It only takes five minutes.

It takes a while and...

It was the only thing I ever wanted.

It's a privilege, and, you know, now that's over,

It's a surprise.

It's a two horned flying unicorn.

It's an art show of my life.

It's easier than the truth.

It's gonna come live in the backyard in that stable that you're building.

It's in the name,

It's just your straight, you know, garden variety,

It's just, if my mom sees you, she'll think that you're my boyfriend

It's just, you work at a hardware store.

It's me again.

It's my own creation.

It's not about office supplies.

It's not about you. It's about the other people in this restaurant.

It's not sad. It's like a neutral expression.

It's nothing. It's private.

It's ready for me.

It's really

It's scary. Like, you know, the canoing was scary, but...

It's the magic one.

It's the one that I've been wanting!

It's these dudes that I just tiptoe around

It's what they're born to do.

Jeez Louise!

Joel hates me.

Just allow me to show you around,

Just burning them up like that campfire right there.

Just down here.

Just kidding.

Just secretly.

Just wait.

Just... I'll say my parents, too.

Kevin fell in the river with his life vest on.

Kevin from down the street?

Kevin just shared and he feels a lot better. Right, Kev?

Kevin made it.

Kevin's challenging himself to do the tent by himself today.

Kit, dinner's ready!

Kit, do you think this is some kind of joke?

Kit, he's waiting for you.

Kit, is something wrong?

Kit, Kit, what are you doing? Hang up the phone.

Kit, what are you still doing here?

Kit, you are being weird on purpose.

Kit, you're you're tracking glitter on the floor.

Kit!

Kit!

Kit?

Kit.

Kit. What?

Ladies, period got you down?

Lemon pound cake.

Let me ask you this.

Let me help you with that.

Let's have you meet with the whole Mystic Vac team next Monday.

Let's just call the police.

Let's just keep this really real and grounded.

Like a presentation? Okay.

Like a stable. A horse stable?

Like Jesus?

Like no one understands you.

Like that Seinfeld. When did I hire you?

Like, making them kind of like cartoon Pokemons,

Like, part time or full time?

Like, sharp and pointy stabbing it?

Like, what? Like, did I dream of figure skating,

Like, you look like you could be named Jack or... Fox.

Lisa.

Listen, you missed something I really think you would have liked.

Look around you!

Look at her clothes.

Look at them magically vacuum away.

Look at this. What is that?

Look, Kit.

Look, you don't have to be embarrassed. He tricked you.

Look, you were conned. This guy is trying to steal your identity or something.

LPI. LPI. Remember our tools?

Magical...

Maybe I just like knives.

Maybe I just like to draw pictures of knives.

Maybe I just like to draw pictures.

Maybe one day I can look like that when I vacuum.

Maybe we'll have a family meeting. Just, uh, hang in there, guys.

Maybe you just need to figure this one out for yourself.

Maybe.

Me too.

Me too.

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm. See, I I know some things about my daughter.

Mmm, it's like your basic sort of structure for a horse,

Mmm, no, thank you.

Mmm. Okay. Great.

Mmm... it was a little bit of both.

Mom!

Mr. Unicorn, I think. Are you a boy?

Murder?

My boss, Gary.

My dad built it for me when I was a kid.

My parents think that I'm insane, and I have no idea what Gary is thinking,

My parents?

My psycho parents hate me.

Mystic Vac!

Mystic, mystic, vac, vac.

No, he's not an idiot.

No, I don't.

No, I guess I don't.

No, I'm thinking of something better.

No, Kev.

No, no, go ahead.

No, no, no. What are you saying?

No, no.

No, something's not right, because

No, that was just old Kit,

No, they're dead.

No, this is the first time, surprisingly enough.

No! I don't have an imaginary friend.

No! It's not like that.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. I didn't qualify.

No. No, no. I think that he really does believe in your skills and talents,

No. Or or... yeah.

No. Those have been there for months.

No... you don't like me.

Not every man who walks the Earth knows how to build amazing things with his bare hands, okay? Okay. It's

Now that you've built this foundation,

Now you're living life.

Now, for the next step,

Now, I'll call you when it gets here.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be on my way.

Of a unicorn long gone.

Of a unicorn long gone.

Of course I'm confused.

Of course I'm ready. I'm building a home worthy of a unicorn.

Of course not, Kit, but I do.

Of the company, not the United States. Though, maybe someday. Ha ha.

Of the rest of my life.

Oh, come on.

Oh, gosh. I have to set it down.

Oh, hell no.

Oh, hello.

Oh, hello. It's, um...

Oh, I just I just bet you weren't.

Oh, I'm glad that you think so, but whatever you were doing

Oh, it's so heavy!

Oh, Kevin.

Oh, Kit!

Oh, Kit.

Oh, my God, like, so sad for all my tube tops.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Is she there? Where is she?

Oh, my God. Look at the time.

Oh, my God. Me too. Let's...

Oh, no, I'm just listening.

Oh, no, not really. They're all just really heavy.

Oh, no, um...

Oh, no. Sorry. Um...

Oh, not quite yet. I'm waiting on a 397.

Oh, now I see it.

Oh, please. Rest your feet.

Oh, shit.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, what a surprise!

Oh, where have you been? Crystal keeps asking me where you are.

Oh, wow, you are a lot bigger than I thought.

Oh, yeah, it's like...

Oh, you think you don't know, but you totally know. I know.

Oh!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. It's an invention I came up with.

Oh. Like, the whole team? Like...

Oh. Should we talk to the cows?

Oh. These are just my clothes.

Oh. What makes it mystical?

Okay, but does it taste good?

Okay, but guys don't want super sad girlfriends.

Okay, but what do I say?

Okay, but what if I said:

Okay, bye.

Okay, first question.

Okay, great.

Okay, honey.

Okay, I know what you're thinking. Like, "Meh, unicorns aren't real."

Okay, so what do you want done? You want a ceiling fan?

Okay, the doorknob thing was a little dramatic, but

Okay, then. Don't mess it up.

Okay, um...

Okay, you know something You know what? I get paid either way.

Okay, you know, um...

Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. All right, okay.

Okay. I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay. Well, look.

Okay. You just don't sound very friendly.

One, two, three.

Ooh, is it like a cool pop up? Because I never go anywhere fun.

Ooh.

Ooh. Welcome.

Oop

Or Beyoncé.

Or did it ever occur to you that maybe, just maybe,

Or did you want to do another thing first?

Or Hay staurant, as we like to call it.

Out of pity slash obligation, it's obviously over.

Pick it up.

Pity slash obligation? Jesus, Kit. Give me some credit here.

Please just don't give it away before I get there.

Please!

Please?

Please.

Plenty of sand.

Pretty good.

Pretty nice, huh?

Prove it? How? What did you have to do?

Really good if it was.

Really nice, sweetie.