Feast of Love Edit

A bit of unsolicited advice for you,

A cool breeze, softball game,

A couple of cheeseburgers and some French fries.

A son.

A table...

A young girl asked me for advice today.

Aaron died last year

Across the hall.

Agatha, that's my dog.

Aggie, I need that dog, okay? Please. I...

Aggie!

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

All right, guys.

All right, listen, we're rushing the dog thing.

All right, pull up, Eric, and Lee, square up by the tree.

All right, your turn.

All right.

All right.

All right. Here we go. Ready?

All right. It's the future, okay?

All the horrible shit they've done,

All the more reason to stay out of their way.

Almost as hard was the fact that

Almost.

An absence of disqualifiers is a rare and beautiful thing.

An innocent man.

An open hearted man.

An unusual man.

And always fool me

And before you know it, they're at each other's throats,

And besides, there are hundreds of shirts like this

And Diana and David.

And don't worry. It's gonna be okay. Just...

And gets shitfaced.

And grabbing the little guy before somebody else gets him.

And he is not unhandsome, either.

And hut!

And I believe that it won't be very long

And I can't react

And I didn't know that you already knew that terrible things were going to happen.

And I don't know why.

And I press the button and put the address in

And I'm all alone in the world, kiddo, and I need...

And I'm heading home from whatever cool thing it is that I decide to do.

And I'm sorry.

And if we were to make this... tape,

And if you find some great place, I'll help them out.

And if you lose Oscar,

And it stands out from all the rest, you know?

And of all the gifts arrayed before me,

And she didn't run away.

And she was right. This dog, Harry,

And so sexy.

And suddenly you're thinking about a woman.

And that morning I woke up and I went to my first meeting.

And the bad news?

And then I felt sorry for them.

And they can blind us.

And this is Harry Stevenson.

And this one...

And this whole thing is over.

And two women falling in love.

And was she right?

And what makes you think I'm a druggie?

And within weeks or months, they're moving out.

And you know that, but you got me one anyway, because you...

And you look back years later

And you look out the window and you see me.

And you're in the foyer.

And...

Are you ever going to buy a house, or are you just jerking my chain?

Are you serious?

As a gift. Maybe for her birthday.

As Billy's mother, my responsibility is to him first, okay?

At least it was a man this time.

Atta girl.

Bat drove her away.

BAT: You do it right now, damn it! Do you hear me?

BAT: You hear me?

Be our little girl.

Because I can pay those bills.

Because I think that would be best for both of us.

Because we're hot.

Because you can't go through your entire life

Because you have your head so far up your ass.

Being afraid of little puppies.

Besides, isn't that what relationships are all about?

Big, beautiful, hazel eyes.

Billy, your Uncle Bradley's here! He brought along a friend.

Both Laurel and Hardy are telling me

Brad... Bradley!

Bradley asked me to marry him.

Bradley looked up from his paper one day and realized

Bradley realized that

Bradley, if you get the dog,

Bradley, look. Try focusing on simple pleasures.

Bradley, meet Bradley.

Bradley, shut up!

Bradley, the coffee guy?

Bradley, there's something I need to share with you.

Bradley, we have to talk.

BRADLEY: Anyway, I mean, I could tell you one thing, they...

BRADLEY: It seems like I'm just this transition

BRADLEY: Shit! Get out of the fucking way!

BRADLEY: Wait for your pitch, sweetie.

BRADLEY: Yeah!

BRADLEY: You know what I feel like doing? I feel like just driving over there

Bradley's in love again.

But Billy loves the dog and we love the dog.

But I hate dogs and you know that.

But I just can't help but think maybe I did something to cause it.

But I'll tell you what. Right now, look at this.

But never had it returned.

But that one's got a button missing from the left collar.

But that's not enough.

But the end is always right there in the beginning.

But the important thing to remember about this place is...

But then there's junkies where all the horrible places they've been,

But they were still bored, so they invented love.

But what? Never cheated.

But why here?

But you can't have the dog back. We're going to keep him.

But you wouldn't know that,

But your Aunt Kathryn

But, Esther, my wife,

But, I mean, I'm just a little old girl.

By a woman.

By the powers vested in me by the laws of the state of Oregon,

Call me.

Can I ask you one?

Can I have a coffee? Large, black, to go.

Can I trust her with Oscar?

Can we just stay on track here, Bradley, for a minute?

Can't remember.

Cheers.

CHLOE: I think if we were doing it just for the money

CHLOE: Oscar?

Chloe...

Classical, in fact, like Romeo and Juliet.

Come on, Bradley.

Come on, let's show them how it's done. Come on.

Come on.

Come on. You would have found a place sooner or later.

Congratulations.

Crazy dream?

David, this wine is excellent. Do you want a glass?

DAVID: I'll make a hand off to Craig and cross at the middle. Okay, Oscar, you...

David?

David.

David's just so busy.

Diana Croce?

Diana Croce.

Diana, this is Professor Harry Stevenson.

DIANA: Oh, my God.

DIANA: You are so... You're so fashion phobic. It's great. I love it.

DIANA: You like it? BRADLEY: Yeah!

Diana.

Did you see the video guy? Did you talk to him?

Did you talk to the dean today?

Didn't you tell me your wife was afraid of dogs?

Do we?

Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?

Do you mind if I smoke?

Do you sleep with him?

Do you think love is a trick nature plays on people

Do you want it back?

Do you want the good news or the bad?

Do you want to have dinner with me sometime?

Don't be nervous, okay?

Don't be ridiculous. They're just kids.

Don't even think about it.

Don't say anything.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Don't talk to me about love, okay? My wife left me.

E?

Esther and I want you to come and live with us.

Esther and I will give you and your baby all the love we have left to give.

ESTHER: Look at me.

ESTHER: Oh, I thought you were working on your book.

Esther...

Esther's amazing.

Every day I try to figure it out.

Ex jock druggie who still has a teddy bear?

Exactly.

Except it's haunted

Except Oscar and he's not yours.

Excuse me. Hey. Hello.

For a means to the end?

For better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health,

For women on their way to something better.

Forever young

From now on, that'll be our song.

From what I've seen out the window, she's quite a looker.

Funny thing is, nobody noticed.

Get it! Get it! Get it!

Get to the top yet?

Getting out of bed

Ghost

Go ahead.

Go for a walk?

Go right.

Go! Go!

God doesn't hate us, Harry.

God is either dead or he despises us.

Goddamn it!

Goddamn it!

Goddamn it!

Good job on that.

Good night, sweetheart.

Good point. You're hired.

Guaranteed prediction of the future $20.

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Hallelujah Hallelujah

Handsome boy, almost pretty. That the one?

Happy birthday, sweetheart.

Hard to say.

Harry Stevenson.

Harry, I swear to God, I'll lose my mind.

Harry, I took your advice.

Harry, please.

Harry, this is Kathryn.

HARRY: A man living alone is a king of sorts.

HARRY: Bradley.

HARRY: If you'd studied that hard, Bradley, you might have been a decent student.

HARRY: Of course, by then it's too late.

HARRY: Sometimes you don't know you've crossed a line

HARRY: The unexpected is always upon us.

HARRY: There is a story about the Greek gods.

HARRY: You know when two people belong together.

Harry! Harry! Please!

Harry?

Harry?

Has gone away to a place where boys aren't allowed.

Have I told you how grateful I am you came into my life?

Have the cardiac team ready.

He actually became friends with Kathryn and Jenny

He called in. Said he'll be a little late this morning.

He got it!

He had, like, a secret life.

He is a mean son of a bitch, but I can be, too.

He likes you.

He said that if I didn't get clean I was gonna die young,

He was my son.

He's a... He's a regular over at the shop.

He's fine. Thank you for asking.

He's gonna be fine. He's gonna be just fine.

He's not a bad dresser, he's not unemployed,

He's not around much.

He's not breathing! He's not breathing!

He's not breathing. Somebody call 911!

He's not obnoxious, or violent,

He's okay.

Heartbreak they can't even imagine.

Hello, Bat.

Hello, David.

Hello, missy.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello... Otis.

Help! Please!

Here it is.

Here. Come, sit.

Heroin?

Hey, are we supposed to bring something to this party?

Hey, don't be scared, all right?

Hey, Gordon, don't be sad. Somebody's gonna pick you, okay?

Hey, honey! I want you to meet somebody.

Hey, how come you two never had kids?

Hey, how you doing, Billy? Come over here.

Hey, how's your boyfriend?

Hey, I'd like you to meet Professor Stevenson.

Hey, I'm gonna ask you a question, okay?

Hey, Oscar, I want you to...

Hey, we all got dreams.

Hey, what happened?

Hey, where's the little girl's room?

Hey, you in the suit.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Hey, Oscar.

Hi, Janey.

Hi, Sophie. Aren't you a pretty girl?

Hi!

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. I left my bike out on the street. Is it gonna be safe?

His death was hard enough to accept.

His name is Bradley Smith.

Hit me.

Hmm!

Hmm?

Hmm.

Hold still.

Honestly, I feel like I'm the luckiest man alive. I...

Honestly, I just don't feel like I can be of much help to them now.

Honey, honey... Honey, this is really important.

Honey, this isn't working out.

Honey?

Honey...

Houses aren't cursed, now. People are.

How come we're wearing long pants and you guys are still wearing shorts?

How do I make a change? I can't go through this again.

How do you know that?

How is he?

How long have you guys been married?

How many bedrooms?

How so?

How was your walk? Did I miss anything?

How'd you pay for those?

Huh?

Hut!

I agree.

I am gonna marry him.

I asked her questions. All very Socratic.

I can't believe it! You know, I love this street. I love this area.

I can't sleep.

I did?

I didn't lie.

I didn't see that much of your future, so I'm gonna give you a little refund.

I didn't.

I do.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. We're having sex, I guess. That's what we do, you and me.

I don't think I can take any more bad news.

I don't think we've had the pleasure.

I don't want a goddamn dog!

I figured after today...

I figured this would be the best place to see it.

I find him exceedingly lovable.

I found a house with a great neighborhood.

I gave that marriage everything that I had.

I go get the mail out of the box, and we've got these huge fucking bills.

I guess when it comes to porn, that's a drag.

I had them closed for so long.

I had this dream one night while I was wasted.

I have an appointment to show somebody a house.

I have this boyfriend, Oscar.

I hope not.

I hope you told her no.

I just kind of felt a harmonic convergence in this place.

I just took the afternoon off. I...

I just... I don't know if you've heard or not,

I know, I know, and someday, when you get a little older,

I know. Well, I have to take it back. It's null and void.

I left the house, I asked my wife, "Do you have the directions?"

I let her make up her own mind. The same way I spoke to Aaron.

I live next door.

I love this place, really. It's perfect for you. It is.

I love you, Mrs. Smith.

I love you.

I made love to her on a regular basis.

I may need a little help.

I mean, Chloe and Oscar need a place to live.

I mean, he was a top student. He was a doctor.

I mean, I might as well be invisible to you. What color are my eyes, Bradley?

I mean, I want to buy new tits and a hybrid.

I mean, if that's all right with you.

I mean, she's a passionate woman with needs, you know?

I mean, they're practicing three nights a week.

I missed you. I missed you so much.

I need some advice.

I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.

I only need you to keep him till Friday, Kathryn's birthday.

I saw the most remarkable thing just now.

I see right through you, whore.

I should have warned you. I didn't think he'd be back this early.

I swear I never took anything from your house,

I think I scare guys off because I'm so intense.

I think it would be better if we just don't see each other again.

I think she was telling me that she wanted that dog,

I think so.

I think what you should do is go straight to the pound

I think you'd better hire the girl or you're going to lose Oscar.

I thought I was alone, but down on the 50 yard line

I thought you were just being kind to an old man

I used to be.

I wandered into the stadium.

I want the truth, Mrs. Maggarolian.

I want to feel

I want to feel

I want to live

I want to live in a world where I belong

I want to see

I want to see the kingdom come

I want you to go buy yourself a brand new dog.

I wanted to feel,

I wanted to have a little talk with you. How are you?

I was envious.

I was faithful to Karen for 11 fucking years!

I was hoping you'd say that.

I was just looking for some piece of happiness,

I was told that that was because of a congenital heart defect.

I wasn't ready for what they saw.

I watched for longer than I should have.

I will bring even better wine, some lunch. I promise.

I would have said anything to get out of that room.

I'll have to agree with you.

I'll protect you from anything.

I'll take it.

I'll use it to christen the fridge.

I'm a doctor.

I'm afraid so.

I'm alone, okay? I want a dog. I need that dog!

I'm aware of that.

I'm Bradley Smith.

I'm going up the stairs.

I'm gonna go get a drink. Do you want anything?

I'm gonna walk outside right now,

I'm Hungarian, from Budapest.

I'm just not feeling very festive.

I'm keeping the leash.

I'm not a thief.

I'm not scared of anything.

I'm pregnant.

I'm really sorry, Bradley,

I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry about it.

I'm taking this.

I'm working on it. Nothing in here we can afford. I...

I'm... I'm sorry. Could you excuse me?

I've got this feeling

If he did, he wouldn't have made our hearts so brave.

If Kathryn's meant to be with women, so be it,

If we turn, turn

If you faked it.

If you really love him...

If you're going to go back to teaching next semester,

If you're going to marry this Bradley person

If your sport's suddenly being taken seriously,

In fact, I know it. What do you think?

In my body, as much pain as I feel in my heart.

Is it because you never met anybody as lovable as me?

Is it true, what I heard?

Is that Uncle Bradley's car?

It also makes a good doorstop.

It doesn't matter. It's too late.

It doesn't scare you?

It looks exactly like me.

It must be pretty weird to be married and straight,

It used to be plain old Chloe, but I customized it.

It was awful, wasn't it?

It was really good. Very athletic.

It was seven months and two weeks ago.

It was too sad.

It would definitely be wrong.

It's a dog.

It's a peculiar thing, what happiness does for people.

It's a wedding, not a funeral. What's the matter?

It's an unbearable prospect.

It's been lonely for you, I know.

It's been really nice talking to you, Bradley, but I gotta be somewhere.

It's every goddamn thing! I cannot do this for one more day!

It's going to be, like, Kathryn and Jenny.

It's important to take the future with a grain of salt.

It's like living with a wild animal, or...

It's not like it's something we don't do all the time anyway.

It's not over.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's perfect.

It's pretty much exactly what you asked for, Bradley.

It's the house. It's cursed.

It's this guy that I met, Bradley Smith. Runs this little coffeehouse called Jitters.

It's... Okay, okay, okay.

JANEY: Come on, look at the camera. Hi, wave.

JANEY: Say hi to the bride and groom.

Jenny and Kathryn.

Join us. Sit down.

Just a beer, please.

Just a way of bringing more screaming babies into the world.

Just an average day, but somehow... You know, perfect.

Just towards the end of the ceremony, right before the "I do."

JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: And do you, Diana, take this man to have and to hold,

KAREN: David?

Karen's car is in the shop. I gotta pick up my son at swim practice.

Kathryn said I never saw her.

Kick it off into a flower bed?

Kids.

Laurel and Hardy says it is.

Let's go home.

Life will never be the same for either one of them again.

Like I felt before

Like... Like what?

Look at that. Brilliant.

Look, I don't know what you're talking about.

Look, just take a... Take a step.

Look. See how adorable they are?

Looking out the window

Makes them better people than if they'd never used in the first place.

Man the fort. Keys!

MAN: Come on, come on, come on! DIANA: Okay?

MARGIT: Careful!

MARGIT: Weak pulse. CHLOE: Breathe!

Margit? Where are you from?

Margit.

Marry me.

Maybe I never saw Diana either.

Maybe.

Michael, nice to see you.

Mine are dead, and Oscar's only got the Bat.

Miss? Miss? I have an injured man who could use a little help here.

Mmm hmm?

Mmm hmm.

Mmm hmm.

Mmm?

Mmm?

Mmm...

Most junkies, you know, even if they never use again,

MOVER: The dolly's in the truck, right, Dave?

My ex wife left me for another woman.

My eyes are hazel! I mean, Christ! You're an artist!

My eyes.

My heart goes out to you, sweetie. I think Kathryn is a selfish bitch.

My husband, Dave, and I bought a house from you a few years ago.

My mom gave it to me when I was a kid.

My wife give it to me in Atlantic City.

My wife's got a softball game out here today.

My, my. You're even more beautiful out of the rain.

Need help with that?

Never mind.

Never seen anything like it. Dentist, mortgage, electricity...

Next minute there was this person right in front of her,

Nice to meet you.

No, hold on.

No, I didn't know that.

No, I don't think so.

No, I tried to give her a perspective.

No, it's a little late for that.

No, it's not the same thing!

No, more conventional this time.

No, no, no, no. They're not gonna bite you.

No, no, no. Not anymore. I mean, she... I cured her.

No, Oscar didn't die. He's fine. He's just fine.

No, smartass.

No, thanks.

No, you don't. You... You love dogs.

No.

No.

No. No, no. That's not... It's the dog.

No. Well, that's true, though. Answer me this.

No. You look happy.

Not according to my ex.

Not anymore. He's bonded with us.

Not bad, huh?

Not because you won the lottery or anything, just...

Not even the husband, two feet away.

Not in the way he deserves.

Not these. They're organic.

Not two women again?

Nothing hotter than that.

Nothing that you could have done would have stopped him.

Now, don't you go falling in love at first sight.

Now, how is it possible that you were unattached?

Now, I'm a man of logic. I think it's just coincidence.

Now, listen to me.

Now, this has happened three times in a row.

OD in an alleyway on a pile of garbage.

Of a heroin overdose.

Of course I did hear a rumor

Oh, and did I mention? He's not married, either.

Oh, God. Forget it! No way! There is no way that I'm going in there!

Oh, Harry.

Oh, is she ever! I mean, what the heck she sees in me I...

Oh, man, we're going to have adventures, you and me.

Oh, my God, I'm actually going to buy a house!

Oh, nice. I was just dreaming about cheeseburgers.

Oh, right. Pisces, Virgo rising.

Oh, right. The two story Georgian.

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit. Bradley, listen.

Oh, they'll order it. Blind people will order it.

Oh!

Oh! Those are the ones that cure cancer.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh...

Okay, but there's a little greenish, hazel tint.

Okay, honey, what you want to know about?

Okay, I gotta know something.

Okay, I've got a pulse. Let's get him to St. Luke's.

Okay, in the foyer, I see...

Okay, we'll start with a palm reading. You sit there.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. All right, so if you are going to marry this guy...

Okay. Well, if you're so fucking nice, what are you doing here with me?

On me. Okay?

On our wedding night, you remember how scared I was?

One bedroom plus a studio.

One day, there'll only be one of us.

One minute she was married,

Or boring, or annoying.

Or do you think that it's everything,

Or they'd throw all their things in the street.

Oscar and Chloe knew it.

Oscar and me really need parents.

OSCAR: And they put those grandfather clocks there and...

OSCAR: Good one, man.

OSCAR: Hey, Chloe!

OSCAR: She'll learn to love it.

Oscar! Goddamn it! You get that girl out of your room, Oscar!

Oscar?

Oscar?

Oscar?

Oscar.

Outta the way, outta the way. Outta the way.

Over the years, we've watched happy young couples move in here

Overcoming your deepest fears?

Pass over? You mean die?

People call him the Bat, so that ought to tell you something, right?

People can keep other people alive.

Pisces, Virgo rising.

PLAYER 2: Don't let him get around the outside, man.

PLAYER 2: Get there.

PLAYER: Yes!

Please say yes.

Please?

Pleased to meet you. The name's Chloe.

Pretty little face.

Probably.

Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice

Randolph needs a haircut.

Really?

Really.

Remember when they first moved in here?

Say hi.

Say yes.

See my face?

See my little jig there? Got my water bottle. What's wrong?

See you later.

See, I think Kathryn was trying to send me a subliminal message.

Seeing you back at work.

Separately.

She believed her?

She did.

She didn't crawl into a hole.

She fell in love, that's all.

She found them a house,

She is this force of nature. I mean, she is so smart

She loves you. She'll forgive you.

She said that I had my head so far up my ass I never saw her.

She said, "I don't have the directions."

She thinks supernatural forces are at work.

She thinks the place is cursed.

She threw away her birth control, and she married him.

She was trying to decide if she and her boyfriend

She went to some psychic lady who predicted the whole thing.

She's a lesbian.

She's right, you know? I felt the same kind of thing.

She's sorry she couldn't be here. She's writing up an offer.

She's the one who keeps saying she's not ready.

Should make a pornographic movie.

Should we do it?

Shouldn't you at least try to be with him exclusively?

Sir?

Six weeks and I still can't find half my stuff.

So did Bradley and Margit.

So I closed my eyes and jumped.

So I didn't answer.

So just do it, though, you know? Go for it.

So many kids I can't count.

So picture this, Oscar of the future,

So that we'll make more babies?

So they could stand it.

So we get in the car and start driving and I use my little thing,

So we get in the car and start driving and I use my little thing,

So you're the honest type.

So, I've got about 10 minutes to get across town.

So, why'd you quit?

So, you better be right.

So, you think this place is haunted?

So?

Someone who has given tremendous love

Sometimes.

Sorry, buddy.

Stop on your way home and get Oscar

Stranger things have happened. A re gift.

Sure be a shame to open her up.

Sure, why not?

Sure.

Sweetheart, there was no one before you.

Ta da.

Take this sinking boat and point it home

Tarot reading is $12, palm reading, $12.

Tell her that what happened between us was a mistake

Tell your friend he's an asshole.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks.

That fucking bitch!

That his future prospects are not so hot.

That looks a little big. Let me guess. An ex boyfriend's.

That no one burns for him.

That song goes out from Jenny to Kathryn.

That sounds good. You all right?

That those things are supposed to be bad for your health.

That was a long time ago.

That was amazing.

That we'll always be all right

That'll do it.

That's all, folks.

That's Bradley Jr. That's the dog you picked out.

That's cool. You need time. Just think about it.

That's fantastic! We're... I...

That's it?

That's my girl.

That's my mom. She took off when I was in junior high.

That's not for me to say.

That's not what I mean.

That's really sweet.

That's the only time he can make it.

That's the second time this week.

That's what you do to the nice ones, Diana. Come on, I know you.

That's why we have to love each other as hard as we can now,

That's you.

That's... That's my shirt you're wearing.

The day after the barbecue, actually.

The defender should bite. Head for the end zone. Game over, okay?

The dog, Harry, the dog she named after me,

The fact that they come back from it

The first sign.

The guy, you know, that looks at your eye when you can't...

The important thing is whether or not you had fun last night.

The moment I didn't see.

The movers told them to shut the hell up

The newspaper said there was gonna be a meteor shower tonight.

The only meaning there is to this

The only meaning there is to this crazy dream we're all trapped in.

The owner will take a second mortgage,

The patient is barely breathing.

The place that I have right now is actually perfect,

The second one.

The second one.

Then he comes home, thinks about my mom,

Then they weren't bored any longer,

Then when I finally opened them,

There was a young couple making love.