Airheads (1994) Edit

A band of failed musicians lashing out at the society that won't listen to them.

A big fat media bomb!

A cassette makes my background vocal sound like someone's stepping on my nuts.

A crate of CDs?

A gecko. And this one is so cool.

A giant baby bottle? Give me a break.

A live performance by The Lone Rangers.

A plastic gun?!

Affirmative. These cowboys are more dangerous than I thought.

Agh!

Agh!

Agh!

Agh! You got a big mouth, man!

Ah, no, but I'm just saying that would be bad if it did.

Ah, shi... You, man... Kayla, there's something I gotta tell you.

All right, but can we move this along? Now, why did you come here?

All right, dammit! Turn the goddamn power back on!

All right, dude. Thanks a lot. Whoa!

All right, everybody on the floor right now.

All right, fine. You have your orders, Chief. Now get cracking.

All right, that's it.

All right, we didn't do nothing, right?

All right, what side did you take in the big David Lee Roth Van Halen split?

All right! Rock 'n' roll!

All right.

All right.

All right. Come here.

All right. Now, what do we want?

All right. Stand back.

All right. You would've been cool, but then this penis had to step in and get heavy.

All we wanna do is to be heard, and then go.

Allow me to demonstrate.

Aloha out there in radio land. This is Oedipus Rex on WKPP Rex...

Am I rockin' or what?

And don't say anything about us having a gun to your head.

And I feel bad for all you guys gotta put up with.

And I'm thinking to myself "It's 7 PM, he's in dungarees and his equipment is bone dry."

And then you chew me out in front of your friends!

And this?

And toss me some ID.

And you keep kicking me out! It's making me insane!

Are we... are we still on the air?

Are you all right? Cos I'm really sorry. I just came out for a cigarette.

Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

As long as we're here let's hear decent jams.

As part of our final hurrah we have a special segment:

Bag that. What for?

Bastard!

Bea Arthur. Outstanding.

Beats the shit out of the fruity music you listen to, tough guy.

Believe me, I understand. Just cool it, huh?

Blonde, wearing something tight and black.

Body count! Body count!

But not me, man. It's just too cool.

But remember that fat kid on Hard Copy with a toy gun?

Calm down. We don't have anybody trying to break in. I wouldn't do that.

Can I ask you something? What's with you guys and these tattoos?

Can you believe it? A record exec came all the way down here to meet you guys.

Can't do that, man. Console's busted.

Chazz says once we get a contract, chicks with breast implants pick out your clothes.

Chazz, come on.

Chazz, I have been with you... almost as long as these two assholes!

Chazz, it's been months.

Chazz, let's just play the tape on air. They'll throw deals at us.

Chazz! Chazz!

Chazz! Chazz. Guys.

Chazz...

Check it out. Come on in.

Check it out. I got this barbed wire here.

Chester.

Coloring, razor cuts, popcorn, perms and weaves. It brings out the rock star in you.

Come here.

Come here. We can't do that. Don't make us be lame.

Come on down!

Come on, babe. You know that once I make it you got a free ride.

Come on, bro. I was havin' a blast!

Come on, come on, let's go.

Come on, come on, move, move.

Come on, come on. Stay back now! Back there!

Come on, fellas. Let's put a sock in it, OK?

Come on, Rex. Rex!

Come on! Let's go!

Come on.

Congratulations.

Cool!

Cos if you are, pop Milo first. That guy's a bozo de luxe.

Cos you never play 'em, babe. You suck.

Cos you're being a complete...

Cover me.

Cover your mouth. You're shooting phlegm all over my ass.

D'you find anything in that van? Drugs?

D'you mind? I've got a station to run here.

Dammit.

Damn.

Did his time, went back, rocked the place.

Did you hear that? It's a plastic gun. We're moving in.

Die, dog!

DMV says his occupation is master of ceremonies.

Do you know what it's like to be on the bill, play for 15 minutes...

Do you mind if I sit in a chair? I don't wanna get all cruddy.

Don't anybody move!

Don't call me G.

Don't forget to shake.

Don't talk to me about rock 'n' roll! I'm out there in the clubs living it!

Don't you think you're out of your league, chunk style?

Doug Beech. I work at the radio station.

Entertainment executives make their living screwing people.

Everybody get back to the booth!

Everybody get back to the booth! Get back! Hurry up!

Everyone warned me!

Everything's all right. It's cool.

Everything's square. Just autograph it on the last page and you got yourself a deal.

Excuse me?

Fine. Now there's cops outside with guns, and you're holding people hostage, right?

Fire me? Well, guess what? I quit!

First of all I'd like to say thanks to Ian and Rebel Radio for playing our single...

For all you care our album could be Pip farting on a snare drum.

For the first time ever, I'm willing to bet...

Get in the truck, dingus.

Get out now! Get lost!

Get out of here! Get out of here!

Get Security on the second floor. We've got a bogey in elevator one.

Get the guy who did the Guns N' Roses video.

Get the other copy of the demo.

Get these morons off the air. I'm warning you.

Get your hands up over your head. Get down on the pavement! Get down!

Go about your business.

Go to the back.

Go!

Go! Go! Go!

God help us all!

Goddamn.

Good luck.

Good, cos I'm taking over the interior perimeter. You and your boys can fall back.

Great. Grand. Wonderful.

Guys! Guys!

Hah! We got a contract!

Have Dispatch give us their number. Let's call them.

Have you got any personnel at home you want me to call, like a wife?

He doesn't wanna talk.

He had this whole stack of invoices and he made me arrange them by date.

He used to blow bong hits in his iguana's face and make the thing watch cartoons.

He wants to know your demands for releasing the hostages.

He wants you to go out and talk to him.

He wipes his ass with his record contract.

He won a radio giveaway and when he went to the station they wouldn't let him in.

He's got a stockpile of easy listening shit shingles in his office.

He's got himself a whole crate of Kenny G CDs and you're talking trash?

He's right. My ex boyfriend Parker was a model, and one time they stole his shoes.

He's still got no hair on his balls, man.

He's that guy.

Hello there, boys.

Hello. Police.

Help.

Here's the Sons of Thunder from their album Scrambled Eggs and Wobbly Legs.

Here's your tape.

Hey, bro, we got signed.

Hey, buddy, you swear you can get us off?

Hey, but this is the real thing, man. This is rock 'n' roll. None of that gimmicky stuff.

Hey, butterball, I think you're exceeding the maximum weight limit for that belt.

Hey, Chazz, what's up?

Hey, Chazz! Chazz!

Hey, Chazz. Chazz.

Hey, check out Barney Fife.

Hey, come on, you know where I'm coming from. Be a sport, will ya?

Hey, guys, bring in the stuff.

Hey, guys, we're all rock 'n' rollers here.

Hey, guys, you're on TV.

Hey, hey, we're partyin' in here. Whoo! We got all kinds of beer.

Hey, hey, you guys think you're gonna waste anybody?

Hey, hold this. Thanks.

Hey, I don't have to explain myself to you, man.

Hey, Ian, man, wait till you hear our stuff. We kick ass.

Hey, look at all the stuff we found. There's $5,000 worth of backstage passes.

Hey, look, just shut your pie hole and keep working.

Hey, man, you can't be putting me on the spot.

Hey, man.

Hey, Pip.

Hey, Rex, man. We're gonna go to jail, huh?

Hey, Rex. Rex, it's me. Rex!

Hey, she's gonna be jealous in six months from now...

Hey, stop squirming, pussy!

Hey, what about me?

Hey, you like working here, man?

Hey, you! You shut your mouth, you bastard...

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Hey! You've gotta check in here!

Hey.

Hey. How was your day?

Hi again.

Hi, Chazz. Jimmie Wing. Remember me?

Hi.

Hold it!

Hold it! Hold it!

Hold on a second, Brad.

Holy shit!

Holy shit!

Honey, I'm home.

How about when you go into a store and all the clerks start starin' at you...

How did you morons get in? They've got electronic locks on the doors.

How does he do that?

How many practices have you missed cos you're cleaning up some stiff's pool?

How you doin'? My name's Chazz. Chazz Darby.

I always knew you were a loser!

I am offering a long term contract to get your music out to millions, plus a whole lot more.

I am rock 'n' roll!

I came here for a lousy three minutes and 31 seconds of airplay. That's it.

I can't believe this, after all I've done for you!

I can't take that tape from you. It's called unsolicited material.

I can't wait for you to put that gun down, cos when you do we're gonna throw down.

I cut a deal with them. We've gotta send one person out.

I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. OK. Look, maybe they're just on patrol.

I don't know. Maybe we didn't make the demands weird enough, huh?

I don't wanna go to jail. I'm fragile.

I dropped my underwear on the floor one time...

I figure I'm screwed up enough that I could write a song that'll live on for ever...

I figure if I get a record contract, I can make it up to you. I'm doing this for you!

I got a million things to think about, I don't need you, too.

I got booted out of Palatine Records, my girlfriend kicks me out of the apartment...

I got free concert tickets here!

I guess I should have waited longer myself. Let me tell you about the shrew I married.

I guess you woke up when the sun was warm...

I had a meeting with a big record executive and, uh...

I had really short hair.

I hate you. You are nobody and you are never gonna be anybody.

I just feel a little goofy trying to be a badass with a water pistol.

I just said you're on the air, numbnuts. So talk already.

I knew from looking at him that he was a bomb about to go off.

I know it's steep, but think how many people will listen.

I know the procedure.

I know what the Civilian Review Committee says, but they're not doing crowd control.

I know you think I'm a dick... cheese... burger, or whatever, but you need a negotiator.

I know, but then every time you tell somebody to get on the floor...

I know. It's just that I made an appointment with my proctologist...

I like your hair.

I love a parade!

I love you, Chazz!

I may need you to come in tomorrow.

I mean, that that happened.

I mean, these things require a certain measure of delicacy.

I mean, we could draw straws.

I need to talk to you about Chazz Darby.

I play D&D, too!

I played Dungeons and Dragons.

I promise you, someday we're gonna be backstage at the Forum laughing about this.

I said open the door, Milo.

I say we make this an open forum. Let's hear the man out.

I suppose now you're gonna say you love me.

I swear, if you guys play ball. That's what I'm here for.

I think I let her down, but I still want us to be tight.

I think it's about time they treated me with a little respect!

I thought I'd wait for exactly the right moment.

I told you to stock the end caps and mop the employee lounge.

I understand you're trying to make a statement, but this is getting out of hand.

I used to come home tired every night, sometimes five or six in the morning.

I used to masturbate... constantly.

I used to wear corduroy pants.

I wanna be a rock star someday but on my own terms.

I want some tickets to that show with Penelope Lovestocking and Crimson Shroud.

I want those media people back. Come on! Move it! Get it back!

I want you to control this crowd.

I want you to do something but I can't let you put yourself at risk.

I want you to talk to me directly and me only. I have a number for you.

I wanted to get in touch with you, but you didn't leave me your phone number.

I was a geek in school.

I was editor of the school magazine.

I will not be pushed around by Hollywood Boulevard trash like you.

I will offer my services for 10% of the pretax gross. That's standard.

I would love to hear it, but if it's unsolicited, I can't touch it.

I wrote that song before I even met you.

I'll be right there.

I'll fill your face so full of lead, you'll be shitting bullets for a week!

I'll go.

I'll have a record executive for you here soon.

I'll tell you what, Mr. Program Director Man, you put our goddamn tape on the air.

I'm a part of this. You wrote that song for me. That's my song!

I'm coming, you bastard.

I'm cutting loose some dead weight. There'll be a lot going on.

I'm giving you the same rate as everybody else.

I'm gonna get a leather jumpsuit with the crotch cut out.

I'm gonna get some more cash and probably color it in or put some chaps on it.

I'm gonna treat you like gold.

I'm in this band and we've got this incredibly sweet demo. I think you should hear it.

I'm not goin' anywhere.

I'm not pulling pud here. My entire life force is on this tape...

I'm sending out a sweep of Sunset Strip for the girlfriend. I want you there to supervise.

I'm sorry. I wanna talk to the guy with the gun.

I'm trash?

I'm warning you. Don't bring Chazz down!

I've got a reality check for you, curly. What you're doing is a felony, maybe worse.

I've got goose bumps, frankly.

I've no idea what you're saying right now.

If anybody gives us any static, I shove this in their face.

If Chazz needs any bail money, you can just tell him to forget it.

If she doesn't sit on the floor, I don't know why I have to.

If they give you any trouble, cuff 'em and throw 'em in the squad car.

If they're so hot, how come they're not tearing up the charts, babe?

If we go outside, we get roped. We stay and figure it out.

If you guys don't do it, we don't have a deal.

If you would just think for one second instead of trying to be little glory boy.

Improvise.

Is that her? She's a... real looker.

Is that it? I'm not going nowhere, pal!

Is that love or what?

Is that right? So you're gonna tell me that "Purple Haze" says something?

Is this on?

It fell in the toilet.

It was like this total security building. They slid his ticket through a slot with salad tongs.

It's a demo tape. We wanna play it on the air.

It's a plastic gun!

It's a plastic gun!

It's all right, Chazz. Stay calm. We're pulling back.

It's Chester.

It's gonna be a slaughterhouse, with bodies flying through the air like dolls on fire!

It's gonna get some airplay or my man's gonna gank you here and now!

It's gotta come unsolicited.

It's guys like you and Jimmie Wing that ruin everything...

It's kind of weird us meeting like this, huh?

It's more like power slop but with an edge.

It's OK. You can get up when... Goddammit, get back!

It's one thing to goof around but we do have a serious agenda here. Are you with that?

It's that guy in the delivery uniform again.

It's the inbreeding.

It's the middle of July!

It's the police.

It's this or nothing.

It's total anarchy!

It's your show.

It's, uh... the Grim Reaper. See?

Jeez, do you wanna blow this? You know how much these stupid hats set me back?

Jimmie, get out of there. You're ruining my shot.

Just another small town punk comin' out west to be a star.

Just do it, Marcus!

Just keep quiet and get that reel to reel deck down to the booth.

Kayla, I don't have time for this noise. Did you come to bitch at Rex or to help us out?

Kayla, if you're listening, I really need that demo tape.

Kayla! I tried to call you. I'm sorry, it was my fault.

KPPX, where the action never stops.

Later. Let's go.

Leave a message for Chazz. We'll call you back soon, so don't have a spaz!

Let me get this straight.

Let me in! Let me in!

Let's give it to 'em.

Let's go.

Like hell you are. Didn't you hear? We don't have a situation.

Like this Uzi water pistol. They got rid of it cos it looked too real.

Like what "a whole lot more"?

Listen up, guppies, Ian the Shark is back and have I got a surprise for you.

Listen up, you lowlifes, what the hell are we doin' here on a Thursday night?

Listen, Chazz...

Listen, dirthead, shut your mouth and do what you're told.

Listen, I guess I've just tried to wait to meet the right woman.

Listen, I own you! I own you!

Listen, I want you to be my man inside.

Listen, when you're in the line of fire you do what's necessary to get the job done.

Listen, you shaved ape, I could have you picking up garbage for the rest of the decade.

Listen, you sick sack of swill, if you hurt one single...

Look at Chazz doing his thing.

Look at them stupid pantaloons.

Look at this crap. What do we give away first, hats or hair care products?

Look, Chazz says you've got a tape.

Look, I don't wanna have to bring you boys in on a 148.

Look, I know who she is. I'm just a street cop. How am I supposed to find all this stuff?

Look, there's a situation down at Rebel Radio. I'm gonna need to take you in.

Looks like you got your hands full, Mr. Hostage Negotiator.

Mace, I'm in the middle of negotiations...

Mace, we have contact with the man inside.

Man, Chazz is right. All we gotta do is make our own action, you know?

Man, he hustled. That's how come he gets to pork Heather Locklear.

Man, these are my people.

Man, you got hot CDs here and I never hear them. Why don't you ever play these guys?

Maybe if I clean it up and re spool it. Christ!

Maybe you should get a job.

Me, and the lawyers from Palatine Records, we walk. Now do you get that?

Mike, it's him. The wacko's back.

Milo, didn't I tell you to knock when you come in?

Milo, I get six minutes of talk an hour. What do you care how I spend them?

Milo, Milo, Milo.

Milo!

Milo.

Mm hm. Yeah, for, like, six hours a day.

Mm mm.

Moody.

My name's not Chazz.

My whole life, people have been cramming this classic rock crap down my throat.

Nah, just some toys and a bunch of pool cleaning gear.

Nah, you won't be held accountable.

No deal! Yesterday he kicks me out of Palatine Records...

No deal. No.

No offense, but today's music doesn't have a whole lot to say.

No, he's right. But make that 5%, Milo, you scum sucking weasel.

No, I was being a bitch.

No, no, I don't even have a home. I've got a condo.

No, they played this song on the radio, and they got an album. That's what we gotta do.

No?

Nobody look at me!

Nobody's gonna hurt you. Everybody OK?

Now back up against the wall and put your hands above your heads.

Now stay.

Now we have Chazz Darby here.

Now what are you gonna do about that?

Now what?

Now, Chazz, you say all you wanna do is be heard.

Now, when are you planning on breaking this to everyone?

Now, you know my rules. How about sending out another hostage just as a sign...

Number 13: naked pictures of Bea Arthur.

Number three: a Zon walnut bass with a graphite neck.

Number two: a helmet filled with cottage cheese.

Of course. The Partridge Family. Which one of you is Laurie?

Officer O'Malley. Jimmie Wing.

Oh yeah, and we want a record contract, so let's get some record executive here pronto.

Oh, be quiet.

Oh, boy.

Oh, Christ.

Oh, don't. I don't want you to lose your job over this. Milo, this was my bust.

Oh, Gary is a tremendous asshole.

Oh, God!

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, hey, dude.

Oh, hi.

Oh, man, you actually listen to that Seattle bullshit?

Oh, man. Most of these guns are discontinued anyway.

Oh, my eyes!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my... Here.

Oh, now what?

Oh, please, no. Don't do this. I can't take it, man. My aunt was buried alive!

Oh, what a drag, huh?

Oh, what have we here?

Oh, what?! Hey! Oh!

Oh, whoa. What happened to this?

Oh, why? We need that, too?

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah! You can't see nothin' from back there, you filthy scumbags!

Oh, yeah.

Oh! Dammit!

Oh! Uh, Brad.

Oh.

OK, be wild. Be as wild as you wanna.

OK, done.

OK, everybody, shut up!

OK, fine.

OK, give us a real nice intro.

OK, if this bullshit happens again, I'm gonna start blasting!

OK, kiddies, listen up because this is Ian the Shark's final night at KPPX.

OK, this is my girlfriend Kayla. She brought the tape.

OK, um...

OK, we're here to party tonight...

OK, you've sold out the Forum, you're standing in front of 20,000 screaming fans.

OK.

OK. Come here, come here.

OK. Get over there, please. Thank you.

OK. Roll tape.

OK. Super duper.

OK. The cops are going to get Kayla.

Ooh, let's turn down your radio, asshole.

Ooh! Ooh!

Open it up. I'm gonna short circuit it.

Ow!

Ow!

Pepper sauce. Active ingredient: capsicum.

Perhaps it won't be long until this thing blows over.

Pie hole? That supposed to be some Cracker slang?

Piece of cake. Watch this.

Pip is my man with a gun.

Pip, put the monster away.

Pip?

Pip. Pip.

Play it! What are you waiting for?

Play the thing, Milo. Do what he says.

Play, you little maggot.

Please could you put me through to someone on the scene. I don't have much time.

Please don't look.

Please!

Please!

Please.

Pool cleaning gear? Give me that damn phone.

Pool filter, my ass!

Really? What happened?

Rebel Radio oh oh oh oh!

Remember that guy Doper Greg? Remember that guy, man?

Remember, this only works if you still have the hostages. OK, Kayla? Guns up.

Rex, can you set up the sound system so Jimmie Wing can hear the tape?

Rex!

Right, right, right. Who'd win in a wrestling match, Lemmy or God?

Right. The machine inside ate the original. My girlfriend's got the only other copy.

Rock 'n' roll!

Rock 'n' roll's been all downhill since Lennon died.

Rodney King!

Rodney King! Rodney King!

Rodney King? What's that supposed to mean?

Rodney King. Rodney King.

Run!

Say "gesundheit". I say it for you, man.

Section G, the force majeure, where it says "riots, disturbance, war, acts of God", etc.

She booted you out again, huh?

She's not like what you'd think. She's actually really cool...

She's totally pissed at me, but...

She's...

Shine on that, Chazz. It ain't worth it.

Shit, man, you guys oughta to have fun.

Shit! Babe, come on.

Shit! Here comes the cavalry.

Shit! We're surrounded.

Shit.

Shit. I gotta go. Bye.

Shoo, dog. Oh, shoo!

Shouldn't you be The Three Rangers?

Shut your face! Just shut your stupid face! I know exactly what I'm doing.

Sit down on the floor now! Everybody else gets to sit in a chair except for you.

Small price to pay to be a legend. Remember when Ozzy pissed on the Alamo...

So just because that anus couldn't get in means that we can't?

So she boots me out of my own house and now I'm at the motor lodge.

So she says to me "He was only cleaning the pool filter, S****les."

So they got the cards. We got the numbers!

So why don't all you little idiots press your faces up against the speakers...

So you, like, answer the phones and all that stuff?

So you're gonna leave me high and dry? That's a nice team attitude.

So, there's only one thing that you can do.

Some Hollywood Boulevard trash comes shimmying up the rain pipe...

Sons of Thunder? Didn't we blow them off the stage at Chez Bang six months ago?

Speak to me. What's goin' down?

Special unscheduled announcement: effective Monday, this station goes...

Stay strong, sister.

Strictly a judgment call. They sold a lot of records after David left. One more question.

Sunday at midnight the station goes soft rock.

Sunday! Swamp motorcycle racing at its best.

Super duper. Thanks.

Suzzi, caller 50 needs some tickets.

Swell. Yeah, I can't wait to hear your brilliant song.

Swimming pools.

Take care now.

Technically I can't do that, Sergeant. The Civilian Review...

Tell me what I can do to get you to end this.

Tell me.

Telling me to shut up now? A brother can't talk without the white man slap him down.

Thank you, Rex.

That can be construed as an act of public enemy.

That, and we're being forced to re staff.

That's how these things work.

That's it? You'll scream "Rock 'n' roll"? You're gonna go to jail for that?

That's Milo's call. Why don't we play 'em?

That's never happened. Does that happen to you?

That's obstruction.

That's right.

That's right. We're gonna get serious. Mano a swine.

That's the problem with you guys. You think cos you have a big job you know something.

That's the quiet cool. Chicks, man, they just flock on it.

That's the way it is, little bro. D'you think Tommy Lee waited for the bus?

The "big deal" is that I'm doing the bullshit work and you're living the rock 'n' roll life.

The amps are props. We'll play your tape through the PA system and you pantomime.

The cop zapped him with a Taser till he went bald.

The cops told me you're looking for a record contract. We've gotta take advantage of this.

The Incredible Crash Dummies. Whoo!

The leader? Hold on.

The Sons of Thunder, for Christ's sake? Pablum.

The USSCA brings you the ultimate in swamp race action.

The voice of the resistance: this is Chazz speaking. Yo!

The water's all clear and cool, and you spin around in there like an egg.

Their target, the only capitalist edifice their MTV soaked minds recognize:

Then he sued for a million bucks when his pubes didn't grow.

Then you realize there's a million of these Jimmie Wing bone smugglers.

There we go.

There's a box of that crap right there.

There's a saying, Milo: "If it's too loud, you're too old."

There's always someone who wants to lump you together with the other buttholes.

There's gotta be a reel to reel. Find it. It's a radio station.

These guys are running the industry...

These guys rule. You're gonna hear some new shit.

They don't know that I'm here.

They don't know that. They think it's real. Now show me what you got. Come on.

They have some more demands.

They wanna talk to you.

They'll cart us off before you can say "Rudolph Redpecker".

They're gonna be all over the news now.

They're shorts, Ian. You know, pants with little legs?

Thing is, she could have left me for a plastic surgeon, but a lousy pool cleaner?!

Things are gonna happen to us no matter what that chimp from Palatine Records says.

Think about it. These things can be very tricky.

Think I give a shit about the Beatles?

This is a major media event. We have lights, crowds... We are gonna bury Lollapalooza!

This is a soggy dream come true!

This is for real. I gotta cut a record.

This is great.

This is my job. I am trying managers, record executives, club owners. That's hard work.

This is one of the things we're struggling against.

This is primo advertising.

This is rockin'. Yeah!

This is the chimp from Palatine? I told you, man. We scored.

This is what I want you to do, Beech. I want you to check in with me periodically.

This thing smells like piss, man.

This was handed down from above, Ian! I fought this kicking and screaming!

Those are free promos. I use 'em as stocking stuffers.

Those sound like concert tickets to me. What do you say we take a few calls?

Time magazine, Larry King Live.

Together, you know. You catch that one, G?

Ugh.

Uh huh? Go.

Uh, 67 copies of Moby Dick.

Uh, Chazz?

Uh, how long?

Uh, we're workin' on it. I don't know, pretty soon.

Um...

Um...

Usual crop of retards.

Vince Neil only got 30 days and he killed somebody.

Wait a minute. I don't see why you automatically have to choose a woman.

Wait a minute. That can't be right. You can't pluralize "Lone Ranger".

Wanna see the cops shut this party down?

Warp speed, Mr. Sulu!

Way to go, Pip.

We are sitting on a gold mine here.

We can't play this tape. We're only set up for CDs and cassettes.

We got a contract!

We got a record contract!

We had to break in.

We have an army of attorneys looking out for all our investments.

We haven't lucked out yet. Stay here, Pip.

We made it, babe. We made it.

We round everyone up, put 'em in the station and nobody leaves until we figure this out.

We should've brought a cassette.

We start touring in six months.

We were wondering if you could set us up like you did with the Sons of Thunder.

We'll see about that. Let's go. Out! All you losers.

We're a band.

We're changing formats.

We're down, man. Hendrix was God.

We're going on the air, Pip. We're going live!

We're gonna soon witness the culmination of this extraordinary rock 'n' roll drama:

We're making records.

We've been trying to get solicited...

We've got these guys by the short curlies. We could demand free stuff from the cops.

Well, Chazz, my man...

Well, I guess all we have to say is that we wanna be heard.

Well, I suppose I could come in for most of Saturday.

Well, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to conjure up...

Well, it's kind of sexist, don't you think?

Well, it's like death is stalking me...

Well, maybe you could have gone and bought one.

Well, OK, O'Malley.

Well, that fried out most of the board.

Well, that's very nice of you.

Well, then maybe a gimmick would help. The cream always rises, OK?

Well, there's three of you. You're not exactly lone.

Well, there's three psychotic musicians with guns. How would you feel?

Well, three months if they behave themselves.

Well, we talked about solicitation...

Well, what do you call an office full of hostages?

Well, you've got the whole world listening. What have you got to say?

What a bitch.

What am I supposed to do, beg him? What are you doing to get us out of here?

What am I talking about? There's probably cool stuff here. Play track two.

What are you doin', man?

What are you doing sending me in with these animals? They're out of control.

What are you doing, MacGyver?

What are you doing, you little buttnut?

What are you doing?

What are you doing? We're filming.

What are you talking about?

What are you thinking about?

What are you, a crack baby? Give me that. I'll show you.

What did he say? Why didn't you tell me?

What did I do? I'm just yankin' the guy.

What did you do to my tape? Can we even play this?

What do you think, Ian?

What else can I say?

What have I got? My guitar, my bike and my woman. That's all I got in the world.

What is your musical vibe?

What the hell are these?

What the hell is going on? Get those people outta here! Get 'em outta here!

What the hell is this, O'Malley? Now you bring in a cop to try to kill me?

What the hell is this? You invited me to come out!

What was she on the Clydesdale scale?

What?

What?

What?

What's this attitude, Kayla? Know what I've been through today?

When the weather gets like this it brings all you nutbags out...

When they hear this song they'll go apeshit. It's just gonna take time. What's the big deal?

Where do you get the balls to fire me?

White man with a gun. Same shit been happenin' to my people for 425 odd years.

Who gives a shit?! I'm trying to think here, OK?

Whoa.

Whoo!

Whoo. OK, who's got a Tic Tac?

Why don't black people like me?

Why don't we give ourselves up? We could say we were joking around.

Why don't we let Yvonne go, man? She's very nice.

Why don't you cut your losses? You're in over your head.

Why don't you give it up, Chester? You can talk it over later.

Will you both shut up, please?! OK. You're brothers, all right?

Wilson, get over here!

With that "I seem so stupid I must be cute" routine?

Work your way up the vent ducts to the roof. Two of my men will meet you there.

Wow. Now you got yourself a whole arsenal here.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah, forget it. Come on, just play it.

Yeah, I seen that. Anthrax and Public Enemy, that was outta control, man.

Yeah, I'm back. If the cops kill him before the spot runs, you'll get a complete refund.

Yeah, I'm up here in A&R right now.

Yeah, that's where you gotta figure how many Clydesdales it'd take to tear her off your face.

Yeah, they love us.

Yeah, we're almost there.

Yeah, well, we got the look, man. We're gonna be huge.

Yeah, well, we've kind of established that. What else?

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah! Blood's gonna come out of your head...

Yeah! Sweetness.

Yeah? What am I doin' now?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. That's it there.

Yeah. Well, I figured you'd come around.

Yes, sir.

Yes. Yes.

Yo, scumbag, are you selling ads on our airtime?

You again! You just can't learn, can you, scumbag?

You better figure it out, or it's curtains for everyone.

You blast this in somebody's face and they're all like "Oh! Oh!"

You called on the phone, but we're not at home.

You can't buy this kind of media exposure.

You can't cuss on the air.

You can't smoke here, babe.

You don't break the law but occasionally you bend it. When that time comes, improvise.

You don't even care what happens to me!

You don't even listen to music. What are you doing with a whole crate of CDs?

You flake! You don't care about this band. You run around all day in your fudgies.

You get to sit in a nice office all day smoking and drinking coffee.

You go and pull this moron stunt.

You gotta come down because we've got free tickets to give away...

You gotta get it to the station.

You gotta make it happen.

You gotta scare these people. Practice. Just try it.

You guys are an unsigned band...

You guys are crazy, man.

You guys suck.

You have my word. How long before you play your tape?

You have to send out one of the hostages just as a sign of good faith. That's my rules.

You heard it for about five seconds and then it got ate.

You heard the man. Hit the deck or I smoke you.

You just hung up on an important man.

You just keep your eyes open and your tail down.