Bad Santa 2 Edit

A dry hand job to Isaac in Accounting. Boom.

A guy who if I asked him to choke me, would enjoy it just a little too much.

A hard on?

A hundred. Or I'm gonna carry my ass outta this old piece of a room right now.

A penguin. It doesn't have to be alive.

A stuffed cow that moos but doesn't poop.

A stuffed cow that moos but doesn't poop. Some duct tape so I can build a boat.

A very special member of our choir.

Actually, there aren't such things as endings at all,

Ah, fuck.

Ah, rohypnol. Excellent icebreaker.

Ahhh.

Ain't that but a bitch!

Alcohol led me to make some not so good choices.

All right, big shot. You can stay out here with your GD flask.

All right, honey. Good girl.

All right, let's sync them up, boys. At 7:45, the power goes down.

All right, listen, you gotta quit fucking calling me, okay?

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Fifty, or I'll just go get your mother.

Alrighty, here we go.

Am I funny?

And a note.

And after that... lobster.

And August. Yeah.

And finance the whole operation.

And he squirrels them away in an offshore account.

And he wouldn't know any fucking difference.

And I always had a drink on your birthday... January third.

And I broke that sacred bond. It's not an excuse.

And I could still fill that shot glass with this man's jizz.

And I didn't even get a chance to smell that pussy.

And I know you're not my real family,

And I know your sorry ass does too. Look at you, man.

And I still chase him off

And I thought my family was fucked.

And I trust you about as far as I can throw her.

And I'm going to have to ask you to suck my fucking dick.

And if a fight breaks out, go straight for the nuts or gouge an eye out.

And if we got no access to the building, we got no access to the safe.

And if we got no access to the safe,

And if we're being honest here, you, you guys should be supplying us

And if you don't have cash, you can always text XMAS 999...

And it's actually better because then you get to pick the people

And just fuck that pussy like you can't imagine.

And like the kid says, "The best gifts are always a surprise. "

And not with some little nubbin dick gun,

And nothing up my ass. You done took all that, Willie.

And pure shit on a good day.

And rub one out right now.

And second of all, what in the fuck is he doing here?

And she's a mean fucking bitch, so don't go getting any ideas, all right?

And shows and whatnot, so I snagged this one just for us.

And spit on me.

And stay away from the nuts?

And tear your little panties off and get that ass in my face

And that is one piece of motherly advice I hope you took to heart.

And that is, if yours happens to be a bag of dicks, then fuck them.

And that made the policemen really mad. So they followed him back to the house.

And that was just to keep warm out there. I'm freezing my nuts off.

And that's our target. Right here.

And that's why I followed you to Chicago.

And the drummer that didn't have shit to give him but some perfume...

And the kid, he still creeps around every now and then

And the King Midas or one of them threatened to cut the kid in half,

And then at night, they store that cash in the safe in Regent's office.

And then get the hell out of there before anybody knows what's hit them.

And then I'd... spit them right in your little mouth.

And then punishes you because you were naughty.

And then, you can go to the common room and pick up your uniforms.

And there's only one thing that can change that.

And they want to bring us in and put us up in some fine ass metropolitan digs

And this is the first present Willie ever got me for Christmas.

And this year, they requested Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus.

And we want to thank you all for being here tonight.

And we're very grateful. But you reek of whiskey.

And went and killed all them Filipinos.

And when do you pull your little Roy Rogers pistol out on me again?

And while they're rolling their fat asses down here,

And Willie ran really fast and he almost got to the door,

And Willie was in such a hurry to get me my elephant

And without further ado, I would like to introduce our choirmaster, Renee.

And you can drop them off at the front desk, please.

And you gotta go and take a dump on that too.

And you'd just, you'd just squint your little...

And you're afraid I'm muscling in on your fucking fondle territory.

And you're the family I picked.

Anyone?

Anything unusual, I wanna know about it. And cover the whole building.

Anyway, I think you ought to be working the sexual angle with her,

Anyway, it took this new set of teeth to finally see the light.

Anyway, Santy ain't no arms dealer, so I can't help you out.

Anyway, still good to see you.

Are you off of your goddamn nut? Is that what you do?

Are you shitting me? I mean, look around here.

Are you shitting me? Really? You know the old lady's right.

Are you talking about the true meaning of Christmas?

Are you washing your fucking hands right now?

Aren't they great?

Arrested? Christ! William.

As soon as you're done, run to the bathroom, wash your crotch.

As you know, Christmas is a time for giving.

Asshole.

Aw, come on, we're having family time here.

Bad boys, you know. Guys who don't give a fuck and treat me like shit.

Be right back.

Because even when he was a baby, he tried to butt fuck everything.

Because I can. Wouldn't be the first time.

Because I didn't want you to spend Christmas alone.

Because I know for a fact that that husband isn't getting it done.

Because I'm all about the birth of Christmas.

Because no one's going to be at our Chicago house for two weeks.

Because there's not enough beds? I only counted one, plus a couch.

Because they'll try.

Because they're so low to the ground already?

Because we don't allow alcohol or drugs of any kind at Giving City.

Because when some shit gets over with,

Because you the only two people I know. Why would you call?

Before the romance takes a shit.

Besides that, I'm a fucking guy. You didn't turn funny, did you?

Besides, it made a man of you. You are who you are because of me.

Bitch, let me tell you something.

Boarding room's downstairs on the left. Any bed that's not taken.

Both shoes. And you have to watch.

Boy, you been selling your blood for booze?

Breathe through your mouth so that you don't puke.

Bringing food and shelter to those in need."

Bullshit. No fucking way. Fucking cash only.

But as far as Christmas miracles go, shit, I don't know.

But even when I was in the joint, I thought of you.

But he was clueless enough to think

But I always burn my hand getting them out of oven.

But I don't mind. I'm just into, you know, more mature, experienced guys.

But I got a touch of the Parkinson's and my hearing ain't what it used to be,

But I think I can sneak you guys in. Come on.

But I thought your dad was the one you hated.

But I'm gonna need a key to the electrical room to access it.

But I've cleaned up my life.

But I've worn the suit enough to know a perfect Christmas gift when I see one.

But if we get fired, we got no access to the building.

But it's not home if there's nobody there.

But Lois got all up in my kitchen.

But sometimes, you have to lose something to gain something.

But thanks for the lobster.

But that's only because I had to run off to the little boys' room.

But then they shot him like eight times in the back.

But they know your work.

But when I put this suit on, I feel like...

But when you don't have real family, then you have to make a new one.

But with adult man sized bullets.

But you don't see me holding my breath, do you?

But you gotta understand, it was only business.

But you said that when I was 21 that you'd pop my cherry.

But you're a fucking man now and you gotta face up to it.

But you're still my Santa.

But, uh, in the meantime, let's you and me head out, all right?

But, um, I gotta tell you, you got gigantic titties.

But, you see...

Bye, Elf. Bye, Willie's mom.

Bye.

Bye.

Call me "Santa."

Call me "Santa."

Call me Santa.

Can we get a Chicago pizza? It's like pizza, but in Chicago.

Can you still crack a safe?

Can't you see I'm trying to eat a fucking pizza here?

Chair.

Checking their list twice.

Chicago, you racist moron fuck!

Christ, am I the only one getting anything done here tonight?

Christmas Eve, they have a big charity concert.

Christmas in general gets me so drenched.

Clitoris, son. Do it for Mama.

Come here.

Come on, baby. Come on.

Come on, boy. Be just like old times.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Come on, man.

Come on, shitstick. Bring it on home to Mama.

Come on, Willie, I need this.

Come on. Get out of here. Put a fucking diaper on.

Come on. Let's go.

Concert's tomorrow night. So you better step up, buddy boy.

Copy, checking.

Copy.

Copy. Ladies' room is already taken care of.

Crazy bitch had me all turned around with her magical Laotian pussy.

Cut that shit out. We're not back together.

Damn it, Willie. Hurry up! We're gonna miss our train.

Damn, girl, I wouldn't pick you out for that kind of shit.

Damn. Shit.

Darlene says I should put butter on my hand, but that's stupid.

Davis! Davis!

Deal.

Did you even score once while I was away?

Did you forget about this?

Didn't put it in my ass, I had to go and get pregnant.

Do you ever feel like you hit rock bottom?

Do you got a pencil or some shit to write on?

Do you not take a hint? I fucking told you that I ain't that guy.

Do you want me to get you a Christmas tree?

Don't be weird. Tell me how dirty this is.

Don't buy their shit, William. No such thing as an alcoholic.

Don't even think about it, Willie.

Don't forget about the meeting tomorrow night at 7:30.

Don't let the door hit you in the ass.

Don't say "Mama." No mom stuff!

Don't worry, Willie. I'm okay. It's just in my butt.

Done ate ten pounds of lobster

Dorfman, get up here.

Drop the weapon! Get down!

Drop your weapons! Put your hands in the...

Elf!

Empty your pockets. Place any metal items in the tray.

End of the year accounting stuff.

Evacuate the concert! And search everyone.

Every year, these rich assholes throw this huge party to benefit the needy kids.

Except I don't know anyone at that Hungry Hoagies.

Except that one jerking off over there. And that one watching him jerk off.

Excuse me?

Excuse me... little people, we had Willie.

Find out everything. Schools, arrests, financials, meds.

Find them. All of them!

Fine, get in.

Fine! A file, then.

Fine! If it's an emergency, call me, all right?

Fine.

Fine. I'll give you a second chance. If you give me a chance to help you.

Five ways? How many holes do you have?

Flouting?

For a minute there, I thought you were going soft.

For four weeks.

For his own good.

For real? Ha!

For the kids. I won't piss on the suit. I really won't.

Four thousand followers and counting, motherfucker. Ha ha!

Fuck it.

Fuck me like the dirty little slut that I am.

Fuck me, Santa!

Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa!

Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa!

Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa!

Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa!

Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa!

Fuck you.

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck! Fucking pussy!

Fuck! Oh! Get out of my brain!

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fucking asshole.

Fucking associate. No goddamn way.

Fucking dimes? Are you shitting me?

Fucking shit.

Get a bite of this pumpernickel bread.

Get out of my car!

Gina, check the security cameras.

Give me some. Yeah.

Give me that, you fucking lush.

Give me the goddamn chair.

Giving City is a charity at 98 cents every dollar

Giving City's gonna lose a record amount of money this year.

Go ahead. Shoot me, shitstick.

Goddamn it, let go of the fucking bag!

Goddamn it!

Goddamn it.

Goddamn it.

Goddamn it.

Goddamn it. You gotta be shitting me.

Goddamn right.

Goddamn, what a shit hole.

Goddamn!

Goddamn.

Goddamn.

Goddamn. Are you a complete fucking retard?

Goddamn. You're 21 already. That's creepy.

Goes to this A hole at the top.

Goiter Face or Drunk Slut.

Good one, shitstick.

Grab the money, throw it down the garbage chute

Guess I did learn one thing about family from that crazy bitch.

Guess you don't know what today is.

Guys who are well traveled, cultured and into butt stuff.

Ha ha. Very funny. Wait... for real?

Halle fucking lujah!

Hang on a second here.

Harder!

Harder! Yes!

Has been one long fucking miserable nightmare most of the time.

Has hallucinogenic aftereffects if you eat too much of it.

Have a seat. What can Santy Claus get you?

He can't even crack his own ass. Fuck that.

He heard "Pop That Pussy" in the vent, and that is a big fucking deal.

He heard a noise in the fucking vent. What's the big deal?

He helped me find focus.

He should show you some respect.

He takes in tens of thousands in donations,

He was different when he was in the Peace Corps.

He was my original elf. Remember those times, Willie?

He won't even know I'm not there.

He'd love to, darling. Strong, strapping man like him.

He's always been too goddamn soft. Probably because he was born early.

He's Cook. I'm Davis. We're here for the orientation.

He's fucking Alice.

He's home schooled.

He's the fucking kid diddler, not me. I'm a hero!

He's with his little nub, going.

Hell if I know, I ain't his fucking secretary.

Hell, I didn't even know I'd given birth until I tripped over him.

Here you go, lady, how about a little money?

Here, drink this.

Here's your ID.

Hey, Cook!

Hey, Cook!

Hey, Di. Is it the midget that's fully proportional?

Hey, don't forget to remind people,

Hey, goddamn pussy! You motherfucker!

Hey, Greta. Could you, uh, get me a rag and a real drink, please?

Hey, hang on a second. She's got the money, I'm just a fucking guy!

Hey, I'm gonna be home late again tonight.

Hey, kid, listen.

Hey, listen, can you kind of stay up on the business end

Hey, listen, little man, I don't speak politically correct,

Hey, Shaft, you ready to stick it to this chick tonight?

Hey, watch your language.

Hey, you know why we call him "shitstick"?

Hey!

Hey! Get off of him you little shit!

Hey! Hey! Open the door!

Hey! You get that key?

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. We still good for tomorrow? The plan.

Hey. You know what? I got you a gift.

Hmm.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

Ho, ho, ho. What's up, Santas?

Ho, ho! Come on, you got Jesus and the lambikins watching over you,

Hold the fucking phone.

Horny drunk!

How do I look?

How we looking, Alice?

How you doing, beautiful?

Huh? We were gonna wait at least another year.

Huh? Yeah.

Hundreds are better. What?

I ain't dancing around with a bunch of candy canes and shit.

I ain't sticking around. Just give it to Opal after.

I also found what was the closest thing I ever had to an actual girlfriend.

I always wanted to fuck me a Santa.

I am all about those kids and the Christmas concert.

I am going to have to ask you to watch your language

I am not that kind of person. I get wild.

I am strictly first class.

I bet that pussy got lips like an orangutan.

I bet you got no idea how beautiful you really are.

I can't, sir. It still has eight minutes to reboot.

I caught a fucking midget murdering fucking armed robber.

I cleaned your apartment, Willie. And I fed your insects.

I did it once, but it felt weird.

I didn't exactly have to talk her into it. She was wetter than Lake Michigan.

I don't even know what fucking year it is, kid.

I don't go in for all the sappy shit.

I don't know about that.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. I think I've got some idea.

I don't mean to be indiscreet, but I do pretty well.

I don't think I like it here, Willie.

I found out the hard way once when I messed with my own kind.

I fucking read you wrong. I was just...

I got a whole Instagram of that shit of me tea bagging you.

I got an associate out there who has got this thing all lined up.

I got chicken feet in the fridge.

I gotta see who the dingleberry gives his last rose to,

I guess the abortion didn't take.

I guess there is a God.

I hate him more than anything in the goddamn world! Except her.

I hate your guts, motherfucker. But business is business.

I have no idea what that shit is.

I just don't want you hacking up your lung in my drink, okay?

I just thought it might be fun to spend Christmas with the only family I got left.

I just wanted to invite you to the Christmas concert tomorrow, Willie.

I knew I should've left, second I saw your miserable fucking face.

I knew you couldn't stay away. You always were your mama's boy.

I know we left on bad terms.

I know you're busy, but it's only for an hour and all the parents are coming.

I lay them on your forehead and take a picture of it.

I mean, a guy breaks into your house, eats your food

I mean, give a broke dick motherfucker a chance, will you?

I mean, he's just steamed a little bit. He'll be fine.

I mean, the one time your son of a bitch father

I mean, you're the one that brought that little shit in.

I need a refill.

I need full dossier on a Randall Cook.

I need some air.

I never sucked jizz out of nobody's ass. I mean, with a straw.

I never would've gotten pregnant with you.

I rooted out a pervert.

I said I fucking handled it. What are you, deaf?

I said I was sorry. You gotta let that shit go, Willie!

I said I'd get it done by somebody else.

I said I'm fucking busy!

I sure did. In my late 20's.

I swear to God, a fucking electric oven.

I taught this muskrat everything he knows.

I think I'm gonna go upstairs and watch It's a Wonderful Life

I thought it would be a bonus. And I just wanna remind you of something.

I thought the midget was doing it.

I thought you were all done with the gooks.

I traveled all the way across the country to rob a goddamn charity?

I tried seducing the girl myself but she's strictly dickly.

I used to chew and feed you caramels, just like a mama bird does.

I wanna know who he is.

I want Minecraft, Halo 5 Guardians, Rise of the Tomb Raider,

I wanted to surprise you for Christmas.

I was born in the Pulaski County Juvenile Detention Center in Little Rock, Arkansas.

I was just telling your mom how you're a hero.

I wasn't the worthless piece of shit everybody else thinks I am.

I what?

I, I can't. I can't come.

I'd chew and chew and chew till they were all milky.

I'd like to call to the stage now

I'd like to get you in that back seat there.

I'd rather them have it than your sorry ass.

I'll be smoking like an old Buick, all right?

I'll break it down, all right.

I'll look for you and I'll wave like this. Okay?

I'll make sure she knows you got the hots for her.

I'll see if I can find you a cat somewhere.

I'll tell you why I care. Because the world's a fucking shit hole.

I'll up your commission to five percent.

I'm 21 . Officially a man.

I'm a goddamn hero.

I'm a good girl, Mr. Cook, but sometimes I need to be bad.

I'm a soprano. My friend Ronnie says I sound like Mariah Carey.

I'm Davis, you're Cook. End of fucking story.

I'm fine.

I'm glad I tea bagged your drunk ass, you fucking piece of shit motherfucker!

I'm gonna live like a king this time.

I'm gonna need a hand getting into position.

I'm gonna remind you to fuck yourself.

I'm gonna spend my whole day with a bunch of damn kids on my lap?

I'm in Chicago, but I can't find you anywhere.

I'm in fucking Chicago, kid.

I'm in this for the dough, period. You get me?

I'm just tired of that fucking coughing.

I'm not missing The Bachelor finale.

I'm saying, do you think she knows that her fucking husband

I'm singing in the choir.

I'm sorry, what?

I'm sorry. I was under the impression that was the correct nomenclature.

I'm supposed to be a Santa.

I'm talking about addiction, Mr. Cook.

I'm talking Chrysler 300, factory direct, fully loaded.

I'm talking microphones, cameras, everything.

I'm talking two mil here.

I'm telling you, if it had a butt, he'd try to fuck it.

I'm the one that's been in prison for ten years.

I'm warning you.

I'm working on it, okay?

I've been chasing your ass off ever since I fucking met you.

I've been dealing with the kid, all right?

I've gotta get this stuff to the auditorium.

If I cut ties with every numbnut who tried to shoot me,

If they couldn't cram your three foot ass in there.

If they don't have cash, they can always text in their donation.

If you gotta take a shit just stand over it, couple of feet away,

In the cowboy movies, they say that's not even fair.

Including me.

Is he always this fucking useless?

Is ripping off the goddamn charity?

Is the oven on? Are you making Hot Pockets?

Isn't that kind of like the pot calling the other cot a fuck kettle,

It ain't, so don't eat it. That's the bulls eye.

It was a one time thing. That never happened.

It was always supposed to be this way, William.

It was probably making you forget all the fun you had.

It's a heavy deal for me. Pretty damn heavy.

It's a part of my release from the joint. I've been there 3 months.

It's Christmas. A time for forgiveness. For family.

It's dirty.

It's gonna be the easiest 20 bucks you ever made.

It's got a lot of paper trash in it,

It's just a semi. Don't get all bent out of shape.

It's loaded now. You're good to go.

It's my birthday.

It's okay to like what you see. I like what I see.

It's pretty, pretty fucking dirty, I guess.

It's raining money!

It's when you play with your wiener and think about your mother.

Jesus, I already need a fucking drink.

Just a sign of a weak liver.

Just did a little digging, a little Googling,

Just fucking pull over, okay?

Just get off of him. Hey!

Just hurry your ass!

Just think of the damage we could do. Just the two of us. All the time.

Just to have me to go to shit ass Mexico with you?

Keep it down.

Keep poking it in there till he spits up.

Keep the world from becoming some n**** Land of Oz.

Kicked him out of the hotel and the ejaculate conception

Kid, get over here and take your pants off.

Kid, how'd you get my number?

Let go of the bag, William. Let go of the bag.

Let us through right now. We're chasing a suspect.

Let's do this.

Let's go.

Let's just say my whole life

Life sucks a big, giant dick, kid.

Like a piece of ass who didn't look me in the eye

Like sex? Or booze?

Like that will fucking stop me? Rigor mortis just make the pussy tighter.

Listen kid, seriously. You're all grown up and shit now, okay?

Listen, I'll tell you what,

Lockdown level ten.

Look at all the Santas! I really get to stay here?

Look at that.

Look at this, this is not so bad. Look, you got bunk beds.

Look at those cheeks!

Look, I, I put up with a lot of shit from kids...

Look, I'm not gonna pretend I was a perfect mother.

Look, I'm trying to make up for lost time here.

Look, Ronald, I'm just gonna cut to the chase here.

Look, when you were a baby,

Lucky for you, Giving City has a high standing in the community,

Lying little fuck.

Make it ten, and I'll let you do that thing with my shoe.

Make yourselves at home. Bedroom's mine.

Marcus couldn't fuck his way out of a wet paper bag.

Matter of fact, I think she roofied me.

Maybe I don't blame you. But things change at the end of the road.

Maybe if you put your thumb up my ass?

Maybe next time, you'll feel comfortable speaking.

Maybe we should take this upstairs.

Maybe you can just talk to me if that's easier.

Maybe you're not as smart as you think you are.

Meantime, we wear the suit, hit the pavement,

Meeting started ten minutes ago.

Merry fucking Christmas.

Merry fucking Christmas.

Mind giving me a hand over here?

Mind if join you?

Mmm.

Mmm.

Money!

Motherfuckers!

My first shot at a good piece of ass after nearly ten years

My mom's in Jesus' house with Mary and Joseph and the talking walnut.

N ice job on the safe, though. Yeah, I'm real proud of you.

Never mind. What the fuck are you doing?

No sweat.

No way these assholes have 2 million bucks.

No, come on. You remember.

No, I don't do that.

No, I don't need no fucking hug from Santa.

No, I mean hurry up and cum. I can hear someone.

No, I suppose they don't.

No, I think Diane hired someone to spy on me.

No, I think I'll hang on to it.

No, I waited for you.

No, I'm not anything like you.

No, I'm wondering why they were together.

No, seriously. I did get you a gift.

No, shitstick. I brought you in. You're the safe cracker.

No!

No!

No! Fuck no!

No! Your height has nothing to do with it. I don't even see height.

No.

No. I need a Santa suit. This is an elf suit.

No. No, I don't.

No. The Hungry Hoagies people tested me. I'm top of the spectrum.

Not a chance. Nah, this chassis' built to last.

Not a man or a woman or an animal or anything.

Not everyone. Just you.

Not my dad, other people's dads. They're the best.

Not so big now, are you?

Not that I would know.

Not working with that poison bitch. Never again.

Nothing and no one is getting in the way of me spreading my joy!

Nothing but an old address somewhere outside Albany.

Now get your filthy ass in the car.

Now if you think you can handle that,

Now listen, don't be sitting on any toilet seats.

Now please join me in welcoming the Giving City Children's Choir.

Now step the fuck back!

Now we're gonna get this party started with an old favorite.

Now where's your fucking midget? It's getting late.

Now you're asking the right questions, shitstick.

Now, hang on a second. You're firing me?

Now, I'm dating again, and I'm ready to find The One.

Now, if you're six foot five and they called you tripod,

Now, listen, here's how it works.

Now, see? Who the fuck does he think he is talking to you that way?

Now, you stand behind her and drop your rig.

Of course you may have to make the first move,

Of course, it's harder for the girl because she's gotta get off

Of course. I'll be right back.

Oh, baby!

Oh, Christ.

Oh, f...

Oh, Gina!

Oh, God! Oh, make Mama cum.

Oh, here he comes.

Oh, hey!

Oh, how could I have forgotten?

Oh, is that you? I thought it was me.

Oh, jeez, I'm sorry.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! That feels amazing! Holy shit!

Oh, oh, yes! Oh, oh, yes! Yes, oh, come get there.

Oh, shit!

Oh, sorry about the confusion. That's all we have in your size.

Oh, wait, wait. That's not my... H uh.

Oh, well, don't lose your focus. We still need that key.

Oh, well, if we're being honest, I don't like being lied to.

Oh, yeah, she's something. I'm sure they only made one of her.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah? Well, joke's on you because my wife died six months ago. Boom!

Oh, yeah. Don't worry. I'll find you. But, hey, do Santy a favor, will you?

Oh, yeah. Who's got the pussy lips now, motherfucker?

Oh, yes!

Oh, yes. I have it right here.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Fuck me!

Oh! What the fuck is tha... Oh, shit! No!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Where's Cook?

Okay, call Detective O'Neill at Precinct 12.

Okay, feed the kids. Come on. Give it up.

Okay, go, go, go, go, go!

Okay, I'll go. But this package came to my house for you, Willie.

Okay, if you want me in on this, it's you and me against her.

Okay, just wait right here. Keep it running.

Okay, shitstick, just give me back the money for the train ticket,

Okay, so here's how it's gonna go down. He's already asked me where his cherry is.

Okay, you wanna share half of your take with him?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Fine.

Okay. I'll only call if it's an emergency.

One fucking thing I get to enjoy and you shit on that too.

One time, I ate too much turkey bacon, I didn't poop for two weeks.

Ooh, no teeth. That's hot.

Oops!

Or a good drunk when I didn't choke on my own vomit.

Or did you get carpal tunnel from jacking off?

Or else I'll get her done.

Or I won't let it hit me in the ass. Whatever the fuck it is.

Or wanna show me pictures of her fucking vacation.

Or you could do your dumb ass self a favor, at least hear me out before you quit.

Otherwise, leave me the fuck alone, okay?

Ow!

Ow! Bottles! Recycle that shit!

Ow! Goddamn, kid! Fuck!

People ask me if I miss my old teeth.

Perfect amount for my cut.

Please don't make me picture that. I'm on it.

Please say hello to Thurman Merman. Thurman?

Probably take me about three minutes. Three and a half tops.

Project X Zone Two, Assassin's Creed Chronicles Trilogy, As...

Put that shit away.

Randall sounds Irish. I want something whiter.

Really? That's funny, I don't see your fucking name on it anywhere.

Recon. Good. We'll go tonight.

Refined taste...

Regent and I haven't had sex in over a decade.

Regent Hastings.

Regent likes to focus on the business, but I'm like you.

Ronald Davis. I was told you have a suit to fit me.

Room 523.

Same day as the President's Day sale at Blue Mesa Toyota and Scion

See that? I told you. I knew he didn't have it in him.

See you later.

See you, babe.

See you.

See, that's what I thought.

Seriously, you need to give my bike back. Now.

Seventh.

She and her husband run the joint.

She don't get a fucking nickel of what's in that safe. Get me?

She was about 150 fucking years old, anyway.

She'll have one, so don't worry about that.

She's gonna pull her rig off. And she's gonna get on all fours.

She's got a gun!

She's in heaven with God, you know. Watching me.

She's so sweet. I wish I had a hundred volunteers like her.

Shit!

Shitstick! Let's go! I got a side gig, just the two of us.

Shitstick! What's it been? Fifteen years? Twen...

Shouldn't be a problem for you. You got it?

Show these boys to the line up. They're late.

Shut the fuck up! Early release. Overcrowding.

Shut the fuck up.

Shut the hell up! Just break it down for him, Sunny.

Shut up.

Sir? This way, please.

Sixty.

So can you come? And then maybe after we can go to SantaCon or...

So how long is the kid staying here?

So I help field incoming calls for the Santa appearances

So I think it should be a light landing for both of you. Okay?

So I'm gonna need you on the safe.

So if a happy ending is staring at you right in the fucking face,

So if you can't bring your A game, don't even try.

So if you got a problem with that, you take it up with the Lollipop Guild.

So like I was saying, finish filling out these forms

So maybe there is no such thing as a Christmas miracle, or whatever.

So they made me a full time sandwich consultant.

So we're perfect for each other.

So while the kids and volunteers are all singing,

So you could tell him to put his dick in your purse

So you haven't done it with anybody yet.

So you see, happy endings are bullshit.

So you won't get charged.

So you're not coming back for Christmas?

So, while you're playing Santa, I'm gonna clean these buggers out.

So...

Some other whole thing starts that sucks ass.

Some pity case on account of you're a genetic defect?

Son, this bus goes to the Arrowhead Premium Outlets.

Sorry, Santa. I had to go.

Sounds like a happy ending, don't it?

Stand clear.

Step right up. Don't be shy.

Sure, he was a mouth breathing, snot dripping 8 year old

Sweet Jesus, you made it!

Sweetheart, I'm not sure you could handle my A game.

Take aim and blow it in there.

Thank you for helping us out again.

Thank you for that, Jason.

Thank you.

Thanks, Sunny.

That asshole Regent ended up getting busted

That big bitch is mine.

That guy never rocked a clit in his life.

That her husband's fooling around with the help?

That I guess he forgot to pay for it.