Click Edit

A cheeseburger? I said a hamburger.

A good magician never reveals his secrets.

A husband that I can kiss and love and give juice to.

A magician never reveals his secrets.

A quarter. Now, Grandma does not let me eat ice cream...

A two run shot into the right field seats for Hideki Matsui.

A wise decision...

A young, fat man. You could win Donna back.

About what? Why? What happened?

Absolutely not, that's gonna hurt me."

Actually, I just canceled the honeymoon.

Actually, Michael is just an associate.

Actually, we're playing some drop, because Ben hasn't caught one yet.

Actually, yes. I don't have any friends. Will you be my friend?

After all these years.

After getting to know you a little bit, I realize this is not what you're about.

After you do all this work and become a big player at your company...

Again. And push.

All of my husbands...

All of them have emotionally abandoned me.

All right, all right, everybody. It's sexual harassment speech day.

All right, America! Have your laugh! I'm an idiot!

All right, leave me alone. Leave me alone.

All right, let's get dinner over with. Next.

All right, let's take a look at some of the girls...

All right, please, please just read my note.

All right, that's probably me.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. All right.

All right. Bye, Dad.

All right. I want to, it's just I got a lot of things going on at work right now.

All right. You want me to look at it? Let me see.

All she's thinking about is, "I am not kissing that beard.

All showered and dressed and looking sexy.

All you gotta do is draw up the construction plans.

All your dreams came true, huh, moron?

Alone in my basement at last.

Also, Michael Jackson, the first man to clone himself...

Ammer didn't make you partner, did he?

Ammer put me on a project.

An angel?

And he can bark in over six different languages.

And I feel like Michael's making no effort to connect with me at all.

And I got a plane to catch.

And if I fast forward, who knows how long I'll fast forward for.

And now, everybody, it's time for Mr. Newman to say a few words.

And now's the time.

And Oh, my God.

And put big drain in floor for wet T shirt contest.

And she prefers to be called Alan now. Remember?

And stop with the Yodels.

And when you are, you're just sitting there staring off into space.

And you better always take care of her...

And you. Nice jump! I love you.

And, my God, you looked beautiful in that pink sweater you were wearing.

Anyway, the sooner you get back to work...

Architect of the year, 2018.

Are you deaf? Move it! I don't wanna have to ask you again!

Are you gonna have to work late again tonight?

Are you happy?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me? No more phlegm?

Are you kidding me? You guys have been dating a couple months now?

Are you okay?

Are you shitting me?

Armani, Calvin Klein, who cares?

Ask me what?

At dinner.

Aunt Peggy, is that you?

Autopilot?

Babe?

Bar is Here's the bar. Now, the waterfall

Bask away, partner.

Bath. Bath.

Beautiful. Look at her.

Because good guys need a break every once in a while.

Because I ain't exactly Thurston Howell, you know?

Bed Bath & Beyond it is.

Bed.

Bed. Bed.

Before we order, I was looking at our proposal. You know what?

Ben, Ben.

Ben, honey, slow down. It's not a race.

Ben!

Ben!

Ben!

Ben!

Ben? That's you?

Ben. I didn't miss my son's wedding.

Ben's wife...

Benjamin. Benjamin. What am I holding?

Besides, the woodland creatures will laugh at you...

Beyond?

Big Ben, that was great progress out there, huh?

Big Ben's gotta go on his honeymoon.

Bill, Bill, Bill.

Bill, since it's our son's wedding...

Blue collar, white collar, a woman, a man.

Boob water's gotta go someplace, Michael.

Britney Spears had her 23rd baby today.

Building a better world for all of us.

But apparently I did.

But as soon as I'm done, I'm on it. I promise. Hang in there.

But did you see her Kate Spade handbag? It was gorgeous.

But do me a favor. Just give us your account and your trust.

But don't let me ruin your evening. I'll talk to you later.

But Eric Lamensoff is the head of the whole international division.

But goddamn it, you're right.

But he is one of our brightest young architects.

But his anticipation quickly turned to dismay...

But I already told Kevin O'Doyle I got a new bike.

But if you check this out...

But look at you. Wow. You are out of his league, aren't you?

But she says nothing, however, about a tasty quarter.

But six months later...

But the way my life's been going lately, that ain't such a bad thing.

But we'll get through this, okay? I promise.

But when he gets there at the end of the day...

But you know, it isn't the Fourth of July, it's only the second.

But you still gotta have brains.

But you're still a young man.

But, well, Dr. Bergman helped us work through it, didn't he, honey?

By the way, your wife? Absolutely gorgeous.

Bye, Daddy.

Can I go to the bathroom?

Can I help you?

Can I see that? Can you bring that a little closer?

Can we watch Dragon Tales, please?

Can you let me do my work?

Can you take me to the last time I saw him, please?

Can't you? I just I got so much stuff to do here.

Captain.

Change the channel! How do you do this?

Cheaper one, like I said. Now, just let me do my e mail.

Check it out. You hit the fast forward button.

Check out Julio Iglesias... Pretty.

Christina.

Closed.

Closed.

Come and get them.

Come here. Oh, my God.

Come in the back with me.

Come on, come on! Yes, Ben. Yes, you did it!

Come on, I love you!

Come on! Pay the man, let's go!

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Pocahontas is off duty. I'm out of here.

Come on. Time out. I thought we were past that.

Come on. You're kidding me, right?

Congratulations. Let's have the best night, okay?

Cool.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you fast forwarded through an entire year.

Cough syrup's kicking in again.

Cute.

Dad, how much longer are you gonna live?

Dad, what are you doing?

Dad? Dad?

Dad.

Dad. Hey, how you feeling?

Dad's gift is

Damn it! The O'Doyles got a stinking universal remote control.

Darn it.

Did a fuzzy dog push me over?

Did you smoke crack, Daddy?

Do not. Hey, Dad.

Do you think you'll have time to finish building the tree house ever?

Doggie years go by very quick, so it's time to enjoy the real thing.

Don't be mean.

Don't do that. Come on, Morty. How do I get it to stop fast forwarding?

Don't get the Hulk angry. You won't like him when he's angry.

Don't give me that look.

Don't go, don't go. I'll stop working so much, okay?

Don't light another damn one!

Don't look at me!

Don't mention Sundance. The kids just stopped crying.

Don't say that.

Don't worry. I'm not dying.

Don't worry. I'm not gonna work tonight.

Don't yell at Peanut because he found your Twinkie stash.

Don't you know it.

Don't you wanna know how I ?

Donna and I were gonna get hot chocolate.

Donna, don't go.

Donna, I wanna tell you what's going on right now so bad...

Donna, I'm gonna get you!

Donna, my favorite.

Donna!

Donna!

Donna!

Donna.

Donna. Donna.

Donna. Oh, my God.

Dope is for dopes, buddy!

Dr. Bergman. What do you mean?

Dragon Tales is for babies, Dad. I wanna watch CSI.

Dude! You suck so bad.

Eat as fast as you can.

Eat me, grandpa!

Eating cupcakes like your old man. Right here, baby.

Egghead watched a bad documentary on Asian architecture.

Enjoy.

Eric Lamensoff will assume my day to day responsibilities...

Even Montel Williams thinks you're crazy...

Even the office slut.

Even the rabbit did! Even the rabb

Eventually, it will program itself.

Every account you worked on turned into gold.

Every time you had a conflict between work and home, work won.

Everyone goes on autopilot now and then.

Everyone's done but you, buddy. Let's go.

Everything Michael's been doing lately is very unhealthy for him.

Everything's incredible, Ma. I just wanted to tell you I love you.

Excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt...

Family comes first.

Family. Family. Family comes first.

Family. Family. Family.

Fast forward me to my promotion.

Fast forward.

First he's eating like his father, now you're talking like him?

For helping me pick up the slack now I'm spending time with my lady.

Forever and ever, babe.

Forever and ever, babe.

Forever and ever, babe.

From now on, we're gonna exercise and I'm not gonna wear a Speedo.

Fuck, yeah.

Get away from me. Just get away. Get away. Leave me alone.

Get back here, you freaking gremlin!

Get off me! You sticking up for him?

Get this off of me.

Get your ass in this house!

Get your ass upstairs, put normal clothes on.

Give me a break, Michael.

Give me those big lips.

Go away! Go away, I hate you!

Go for it, tubs.

Go get them, Michael! Speech!

Go home and watch VH1, old man.

Go say hi to Daddy. Go on.

Go to the bathroom. I told you, you don't have to ask me.

Go, little me, go!

Go.

God, you got old.

Goddamn it.

Good for you. Can you watch the gang for 10 minutes while I clean up?

Good hands! Nice hands.

Good morning, Mr. Newman.

Good night, Michael.

Good night, sweetie.

Good night. Thank you.

Good one, Donna.

Goodbye.

Got everybody in on it, huh? Sundance did very well also.

Grandpa died, Dad.

Great dinner, honey.

Great news. Eric Lamensoff killed himself.

Great, I love giving massages.

Great, you gonna start watching TV at dinner?

Great. Have a great Fourth of July with the kids. I'll put Swardson on it.

Great. See you later at happy hour with Prince Habadabee.

Guys, I'm sorry. You're gonna have to leave. He needs his rest.

Habeeboo! Hubba Bubba is chewing gum.

Habeeboo. I thought I said that.

Hang on for a second, someone's at my door.

Hate you! I hate you! I hate you!

Have a great day!

Have you considered the consequences...

He ain't right. You're a schmuck! Look at it!

He didn't see me finish.

He died a while back now.

He died?

He was hanging out with Ping Woo for some reason.

He's always chasing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

He's finally letting himself feel it.

He's gonna be hot when I burn his house down.

He's gonna kill himself.

He's like a machine. He can't still be hungry.

He's not. He's just doing whatever Michael's doing. It's driving me crazy.

Head turns right. I know. I just forgot at the end.

Hear, hear!

Heart attack?

Hell, yes.

Hello? How do I get you back here, pal?

Hello? Mr. Ammer.

Her inappropriate weekend with my brother in Cabo...

Here I am, staying up all night...

Here we go! Mama!

Here we go. Sexual harassment can come in many forms.

Here.

Here's one you might remember from The Cranberries.

Here's the pitch to Matsui. A deep drive.

Hey, Dad, see Kevin's new robot dog?

Hey, Dad. Sorry to bug you.

Hey, Dinkie.

Hey, do you mind? I am trying to concentrate.

Hey, fella, you're a long way from walking out of here.

Hey, Grandpa.

Hey, hang on. Susie, push my next meeting.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey. Keep it down, dude. Everybody's sleeping.

Hey, hey, psychedelic. Where are we?

Hey, hey.

Hey, I would love for that to happen, but

Hey, it's just that you don't mess with another man's wife!

Hey, look at Sundance wrestle his duck.

Hey, man?

Hey, Michael? I'll see you tonight at the swim meet?

Hey, Michael. Michael, who are you talking to?

Hey, Morty. It's Michael Newman.

Hey, my new star. Congratulations. Sit down, big guy.

Hey, pizza boy. Life ain't about being creative.

Hey, who wants to have a pillow fight?

Hey, you said you gotta go. Go already, man.

Hey, you were great too.

Hey! There are families here!

Hey. Good thing is, Daddy was here to see you finish.

Hey. Man, get out of here.

Hey. Somebody noticed. Thank you.

Hey. What are you doing? Put a sweater on. Cover them up.

Hey. You're up. How you feeling?

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Mr. Newman.

Hilarious sexual harassment, if you ask me.

His father's stereo blows!

Holy motherfu !

Honey, get your sweet little buns downstairs too. Come on, come on!

Honey, I think you just opened the garage.

Honey, you remember what I was wearing?

Honey, you were so great.

Honey. The song that was playing during our first kiss.

Honey. We can't argue, okay? No more arguing.

Honeymoon. Honeymoon.

Honeymoon. I love you.

How big a deal is that? I am so tired of having this argument.

How can I sleep with two Twinkie burglars roaming around?

How can you get close to nature in a tin can like that?

How can you goons sleep when you know I got you presents?

How dare you compare Prince Habeeboo's Bikini Hut...

How much is this thing?

How the heck did he do that?

How you doing, buddy? Playing some catch?

How you doing? Bill Herlihy. Ben's coach. You must be Dad.

How's he doing for you and Donna?

How's it feel, killer?

How's this? I'm gonna rough it today, like in the Old West. Okay?

However, if you invite us over for dinner more

Husband? Donna?

I agree with you, Michael. You know how hungry I am?

I am a little tired.

I am so hungry, I could eat this.

I believe we're sometime after your conception.

I can skip chapters.

I can't promise you that.

I can't see.

I can't take a whole night of this.

I can't take this anymore.

I did. I did.

I didn't make 200, but I love you.

I didn't wanna lose Donna!

I didn't want the whole thing to go that fast.

I don't got time to be sick, so no.

I don't know about that, pal. I see a good looking man right there.

I don't know about you Americans...

I don't know the O'Doyles...

I don't know what it means, but he's down.

I don't know, I Hello.

I don't know. Ask your father.

I don't remember doing any work this weekend.

I don't think anybody did.

I don't think so. Maybe for a blanket?

I fast forward through it, what am I gonna miss?

I fast forwarded through sex one time, I don't wanna skip it forever.

I feel bad that we keep arguing.

I feel better now that you guys are here.

I forgot to tell you. I hung out with your friend Janine this weekend.

I got ghost stories, charades, the dishes...

I got juicy titties!

I got myself a celebratory cigar too. Why not?

I gotta be honest with you. This place looks bigger from the outside.

I gotta get back to work. Can't we just do it?

I gotta go work.

I gotta go.

I gotta see my son.

I gotta talk to my boy.

I guess I could talk to my wife.

I guess the O'Doyles' remote can bite my advanced technological ass then.

I guess when you combine...

I had a rabbit named Pepper. And that rabbit abandoned me too!

I hate that man.

I hate you.

I have cancer?

I have had self esteem issues since I was a kid.

I have two fathers.

I hope she's doing your brother right now, you big headed buffoon.

I hope that atrium idea didn't take too long to configure, Michael.

I just couldn't let him know I knew that.

I just need someone to come up with a design proposal. Intrigued?

I kicked your father's ass in high school!

I knew it! I knew you'd be psyched! I love it! I love you!

I knew something was funny with you today.

I knew you'd call me on that. Your mom will teach you.

I know how you do the stupid trick. I've always known.

I know our song. Our song. Of course I know our song. Our song is...

I know you'll do the right thing this time.

I know your mother won't come...

I know, but I just think, you know, they're too Slavic.

I know, I just gotta build an entire model tonight.

I know, Ma.

I know, so, I mean, we're talking a couple of months here.

I know! It's gonna be the best!

I know. Don't be upset, okay?

I like sex. It feels good.

I like that. I

I like the old moves. Come on.

I love you too, Dad.

I love you too, honey.

I love you, son.

I love you, son.

I love you, son.

I love you, son.

I love you!

I love you.

I love you.

I love you. Do you still love me?

I love you. Go to sleep.

I mean, I don't have any new moves for you. It's the same stuff.

I missed you, I missed you. Look at you, boy.

I need to watch this documentary on Asian architecture.

I quit, I quit. Thanks for everything, all right, but I

I really wanna be friends, but I can't do that if you

I remember this place.

I said, "Land the Watsuhita account, you'll get promoted."

I saw what you did to the duck. Very good. Nice work.

I saw you. You jumped in there, you swam here.

I should never have done that Montel Williams show.

I single handedly landed the Watsuhita account.

I skipped an entire cold?

I skipped the whole fight.

I spent money I don't have.

I think I smell marijuana in it.

I think maybe there in the middle?

I think you've given enough juice to everybody.

I thought an angel was supposed to protect people.

I thought Bill was your father.

I thought I was already your partner.

I thought they weaned you off the morphine.

I thought, "What a great opportunity."

I told you, this item is nonreturnable.

I took it out of Kevin's hands. Yeah, he was smoking like a chimney.

I tried to get rid of the problem, it almost ended up in my ass.

I wanna be with you every minute of my life, that's why I gotta leave now.

I wanna keep my bike!

I was desperate for companionship!

I was just joking.

I was just watching you sleep.

I was technically engaged in sexual harassment.

I wish I had time to do all that stuff.

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

I'd like to spend more time together. All of us.

I'll be here.

I'll be with you. Just stay with me.

I'll be your friend. I'll be your

I'll eat anything.

I'll make you a deal.

I'll miss you.

I'm a schlub?

I'm about to rock your world.

I'm an angel, Michael.

I'm asking for 10 minutes, not for, like, a whole day.

I'm back in the store?

I'm coming. I'm coming.

I'm counting on you.

I'm Fourth of July ing with the kids. When I get back, I'm all over it.

I'm freaking out. This thing, it's broken.

I'm getting sick, man. Fast forward me till I'm better.

I'm going to the bathroom to slit my wrists.

I'm gonna ask them to cut back on painkillers.

I'm gonna be alone on the Fourth of July?

I'm gonna do the best I can and I won't let you down, I promise.

I'm gonna finish the tree house. We're gonna sleep in it next weekend.

I'm gonna get going now, sir.

I'm gonna go change into my Pocahontas costume.

I'm gonna go to work and try to figure this out.

I'm gonna let him drown?

I'm gonna live for 200 years. Is that long enough for you and me?

I'm gonna show you a remote we just got in...

I'm having conversations on autopilot, then.

I'm just messing with you. We're good.

I'm just planning ahead. I know.

I'm just saying, give me some support. All right?

I'm not freaked out enough?

I'm not out drinking or gambling or hitting on chicks.

I'm not supposed to do this, but you seem like a good guy.

I'm really confused.

I'm sick of this.

I'm so horny now.

I'm so sorry I barged in.

I'm sorry about your father.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. What was that?

I'm the angel of death.

I'm working my ass off so my family can have a better life...

I'm young again. I'm young again.

I'm young. You're kind of on the back nine.

Ichiro and Matsui are baseball players. You just insulted their national heroes.

If he wants a playroom made of pizza, then why not?

If Samantha wanted her cheekbones shaved down, I think I'd freak out too.

If Watsuhita commits to the bulk of the funds...

If you come, I'll show you the quarter trick.

If you have any questions...

If you massage me first.

In fact, let's just throw it out, all right? Start from scratch.

Is he really my dad?

Is Peanut dead too?

Is that a man or a woman?

Is that my parents?

Is that your girl?

Is there a doctor? We need a doctor here!

Is this a porno or something?

Is this a stickup? Or are you just happy?

Is this one of your partners?

Isn't that true, son?

It couldn't have gotten any smaller.

It is.

It jumped on its own. I didn't even hit the button.

It looked like a little Tic Tac.

It remembers stuff? What do you mean?

It was just a dream? A terrible, terrible dream.

It was the one year hump that was the tough part.

It was your decision to move out! So stay out!

It won't take you there.

It'd be fun for them to be here for the sleepover.

It's a little deviant, but it's kind of turning me on.

It's a very powerful device. Use it with caution.

It's a woman.

It's about kissing ass, playing it safe, making your boss a lot of money...

It's all good.

It's all right! I There was a mouse! I killed it!

It's all right. Goodbye.

It's amazing.

It's an advanced piece of equipment, like TiVo.

It's been...

It's chock full of goodies.

It's dead! But it broke the table first!

It's due Tuesday. If I don't finish, I'm off it, so...

It's Fourth of July, I'm gonna celebrate with my wife.

It's just corn flakes.

It's just every choice I make, everything I do...

It's just It's fast forwarding on its own now.

It's like opposite of hoochie.

It's my flap, I'll do whatever the hell I want with it!

It's not a bike or a cowboy hat, but you're gonna like this, I hope.

It's not a malfunction, it's a feature.

It's not gonna kill you to eat dinner with your family, sweetie.

It's not my fault.

It's not that big a deal.

It's simple. Think of a time and a place...

It's simple. You must have been on autopilot.

It's so cool.

It's the episode when they find the lady's arm.

It's time to go.

It's using its memory to execute your preferences.

It's your life. What you do with the remote is your decision, Michael.

James Earl does a lot of voice over work.

Jeez! Man, that's all we ever do is get through it.

Jesus. I'm talking to my boss, Ma. Take it easy.

John Ammer's office.

John, I just feel we should stop wasting our energy...

Just have her back by midnight, all right, champ?

Just kidding, I...

Just kidding.

Just not used to seeing you all grown up like this.

Just point, click.

Just remember, right arm out, head turns left. Left arm out

Just take me home.

Just think of last time and use that.

Just watch your toons and have a great day with Mommy today, okay?

Keeps eating more and more.

Kensington deal might fall through, so I gotta go do damage control.

Kevin O'Doyle, you get your ass in this house right now!

Kevin O'Doyle. Yeah. Always a pleasure.

Kevin O'Doyle's gonna shit himself.

Kidding me? I had fun.

Let me try to give you a real life example because I'm sure I've done it.

Let's build more rooms and maximize profits.

Let's concentrate on what really matters, the work.

Let's get out of here.

Let's get to it.

Let's go get some cake.

Let's just keep the plans simple, forget all the niceties, maximize our revenue.

Let's just say she will eat you up, sir.

Let's just take out the atrium and run with that and there's your drain.

Let's let Michael bask in his glory. Cheers.

Let's see what you got, mate.

Lie to yourself. But you cannot lie to the remote.

Life changing. I feel freer.

Like a signature building we're talking about.

Like the day I said, "You want a promotion, break out the lotion."

Look at me, turning my own TV on. I'm a freaking whiz kid.

Look at me.

Look at you, Ma. You look amazing.

Look at you.

Look how big you got. You're enormous.

Look how gorgeous you look. I'm so scared.

Look how long your hair's getting.

Look who's here. You guys wanna ride these bikes?

Look who's talking, Captain Twinkie of the S.S. Fat Ass!

Look, Bill's my husband.

Look, I should go. Bill's waiting for me downstairs.

Look, Michael, I'm trying to have a civilized relationship with you...

Looks like it is.

Love juice.

Love, Morty.

Lucky for you, it's not in the bar code system yet.

Ma.

Make bar longer.

Make sure you don't keep disappointing the wrong people.

Makes life a lot easier for old people like you.

Man, I gotta go.

Massaging away here.

Maybe he's gotta grow up sometime and get the hell off Fantasy Island.

Maybe if you would take me to Pilates like you said...

Maybe that's a pe ? That's a penis. That's my penis.

Maybe that's a penis.

Maybe they'll help you finish quicker.

Me too, bubbala. Me too. Me too. It's beautiful. Beautiful.

Michael considered demanding that Alice sc**** the cheese off...

Michael knows he's my one and only.

Michael Newman, I didn't know you smoked cigars.

Michael Newman.

Michael Newman.

Michael Speedo Michael Newman. Sorry.

Michael was eagerly awaiting the arrival of his lunch order.

Michael, are you awake?

Michael, are you okay?

Michael, dinner's almost ready. Invite your friends if you want to.

Michael, have you lost your mind? He's 7 years old.

Michael, honey, wake up. You'll be late for work.

Michael, honey. Are you awake?

Michael, it doesn't have to end now.

Michael, Janine and I decided to drop out of the rat race...

Michael, just hit menu.

Michael, you have a phone call.

Michael, you haven't kissed me like that since you were a little boy.

Michael, you've been so generous taking care of all this...

Michael!

Michael!

Michael!

Michael! Stop it! Stop it, Michael!

Michael.

Michael.

Michael. Look, I'm heading out to the Hamptons in a couple of minutes.

Michael. Stop it. The sleepover will catch us.

Mom, wake up! There's a crazy noise downstairs.

Mom, why can't we camp in an RV like every other family?

Mommy!

Morning, Janine, you're looking very Slavic.

Morning, Michael. You're looking very crappy today.

Morning, sweetie.

Morty, I'm Michael Newman.

Morty! Why did you do this to me?

Morty?

Morty? Where are the cameras?

Mr. Ammer, Denise just called.

Mr. Ammer, if you need female companionship this weekend...

Mr. Newman.

My boyfriend, the hottest boy in school, hello?

My God.

My life has a commentary?

My mother says hello.

My old office.

My schmeckel got bigger now that I'm older, just so you guys know that.

My son has a swim meet tonight that I have to get to s

Next.

Nice hat.

Nice Speedo, buddy.

No atrium. Just make bar longer for Prince Habeeboo.

No disrespect, Prince Hubbida Hubbida.

No more arguing. No more sickness.

No more showering, no more traffic.

No more Tylenol!

No, Dad.

No, I know. Well, I thought she should've gotten voted off.

No, I wasn't!

No, Kathy, this isn't mine.

No, Linda, I think Stacy gets the most beautiful feet award.

No, no, do your meeting. It's fine. I'm just dizzy.

No, no, no, we're past this argument. No, you're right, no big deal.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

No, no, no. I'll change, okay? I'll be a better man, I promise.

No, no, no. You got more.

No, no. Absolutely not. I I Can't it just wait three days?

No, no. I She I'm just playing. She knows that.

No, no. I want to. I want to. It's I'm on autopilot.

No, no. No. I'm just teeing off, baby.

No, that's your daughter Samantha.

No, the first few months were easy.

No, the menu at the Red Lobster. Yes, on the remote.

No, we can't just do it. Honey, come on.

No, you had cancer.

No, you shut up, big mouth!

No!

No!

No! And who the hell's Dr. Bergman?

No! I said That's not what I said!

No! No, no, no! I don't want a promotion!

No! We're in my mother's vagina?

No.

No.

No. Donna. Donna. Donna!

No. Go to Sundance, not the duck.

No. Just working out with Bill five times a week. Same as always.

No. No, I didn't wanna waste all that time.

No. No!

No. No.

Nobody goes drowning in my pool.

Nobody's laughing at you, Michael.

Not about that. Are you happy about where our lives ended up?

Not even close.

Not just because of that Watsuhita project either.

Not necessary.

Not that I'm mentioning any names...

Nothing. You know, he just got old. That's life.

Now I'm gonna kick yours!

Now, anyone can be a victim of sexual harassment:

Now, get your rest, because tomorrow we're going camping!

Now, I gotta get back to work, so hit play.

Now, there is also homosexual harassment.

Now, this is like when one dude comes up to another...

Now, you're kidding me, right?

Of course I wasn't.

Of course I'm happy, our son just got married.

Of course it is.

Of course. Ben's wife seems like a nice kid, huh?

Of course. I remember what Janine was wearing.

Oh, and Sundance!

Oh, boy, Dad's quarter trick. I can't wait not to see it.

Oh, can we?

Oh, come on. You call that camping?

Oh, darling, that's so sweet.

Oh, God, I'm not. Get me out of here.

Oh, God, no.

Oh, he's such a big boy, isn't he?

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

Oh, it looks like a tongue...

Oh, it's a trick coin you buy at a magic shop.

Oh, look at her.

Oh, look at you now. You're all yellow from the scurvy.

Oh, man!

Oh, Matsui.

Oh, Michael.

Oh, Morty likes it too.

Oh, my God, I'm a fat guy!

Oh, my God, it didn't take the duck long to get over Sundance.

Oh, my God, you're kidding! Honey, congratulations!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. I want that so bad.

Oh, my God. Lake Winnipesaukee.

Oh, my mother, typical, you know, she says:

Oh, my, it's out of here!

Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no, no. So what, everything I fast forwarded...

Oh, no, that's not wrestling.

Oh, Shaggy the miracle dog?

Oh, Ted. Oh, Teddy!

Oh, that feels good. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, there'll be other Junes in my life, sir.

Oh, there's Barney.

Oh, this is where the quarter trick started.

Oh, yeah, the notes.

Oh, yeah? Well, tell him to get a life.

Oh, you got stuff to do?

Oh, you know what, sweetie? It's none of our business.

Oh. No, no, I don't want that. Come on, man.

Okay, good night, you two cowboys.

Okay, I gotta call my dad and tell him to get the old tent ready.

Okay, let's go to sleep.

Okay, Morty.

Okay, Mr. Junk Food...

Okay, so great. Yeah.

Okay, very good, Mrs. Newman.

Okay, well, if that's your way of telling me that I look pretty, then thank you.

Okay, where's the groom? Show your face.

Okay? I'm just glad you're here.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Absolutely. I'll take off for you.

Okay. I'm up.

Okay. Is this some sort of reality show? Are you the host?

Okay. Let's get you that tan you been searching for.

Okay. Quietly try and coax me into it.

Okay. Seal the deal, pal.

Okay. Thank you.

Okay. We could cut into the atrium a little bit.

On his big cell phone. Big boy.

On the remote?

Once again, Michael left Donna in bed confused and unsatisfied.

One clicker controls everything.

One dance, you pop an artery.

One day, you are gonna be the hottest chick alive.

One more tummy tuck should take care of it.

One night when the duck's head was off...

One of them told me he was gonna live till he was 200. Remember?

One, two, three.

Only one thing you need to know, Michael.

Open.

Opening virtual blinds.

Or we could eat at my Winnebago and watch Three's Company.

Out of all the songs, huh?

P.S.:

Papa, take a seat. Let me get you a water, okay?

Please learn to accept that. I really have to go.

Plus, it's more fun to have to keep each other warm at night.

Pop, I'm just getting ready for this meeting.

Pop, Pop. Pop. There he is. There he is.

Pop.

Pop.

Pretty sweet, eh?

Prince Habeeboo drive red Lamborghini.

Prince Habeeboo, we will I will make this happen.

Prince Habeeboo.

Prince Habeeboo's not chewing gum.

Proceed.

Proud father Kevin Federline says he's now considering getting a job.

Put it all together, that's like 30 minutes' worth for you.

Really good for my self esteem.

Really?

Really? What's she like?

Red Lamborghini? I meant blue Ferrari.

Remember the leprechaun?

Residential architecture...

Right this way, Michael.

Right, my ass. Why don't we talk about it in my office.

Samantha. My little angel. Look at you.

Samantha. Samantha.

Samantha's been here like 36 hours straight.

Scared the crap out of me.

Screw it up, though, and it's "Back to the mailroom, atrium boy."

See that parking garage over there on 56?

See you guys in a bit.

See you later, Grandpa, I love you.

See?

See? That's you on autopilot.

See? Was that so bad?

Sexual harassment, eh?

She always does this to me.

She fell for a schlub like you.

She has so many problems. Why do you have to be so mean?

She moved to Accounting. Couldn't handle your hours.

She said she wouldn't leave the hospital until you woke up.

She scared the shit out of me then.

She's gotta go to rehab again, so she can't make it to the Hamptons.

Should I do my work and become partner now? I think so.

Show some respect, you pieces of shit!

Shut up, James Earl Jones!

Six more years! No! No! It skipped all my sickness.

Smooth, buddy.

Sneaky.

Sniffy Longdroppings, today.

So any of you wanna come by my tent for some supper?

So here's to Michael Newman...

So I present to you your restaurant.

So I'm gonna have to just give it to you.

So I've learned, Morty.

So if you guys have any cool ideas, draw them up for me.

So if you think about it...

So just know there is a problem.

So relax, hon.

So she did tell me.

So that's what I'll do.

So then you, me and the kids can do whatever the hell we want.

So tired of my life.

So tomorrow I'm gonna teach you calculus.

So we good for tomorrow?

So you better stop with the junk food, Mr. Chairman...

So, Michael, I had a wonderful idea.

Some moron in a red Lamborghini parked in my spot so

Something stinks like stale french fries.

Sometimes it's better to keep certain memories just in your head.

Sorry about last night. And I love you. I'm s

Sorry to sneak up on you. I just

Sorry, I don't work here. I'm waiting for my friends.

Sounds good.

Speaking of life changing...

Stacy!

Stacy! Did you put shit in my lunch?

Still smelling good, huh?

Surprise.

Swim meet.

T.G.I. Friday's!

T.G.I. Friday's.

Take it.

Take me where?

Take my time, massage her, make sure she is fully satisfied.

Take you out for ice cream. How's that?

Taking him wasn't something I wanted to do.

Ten for you. Thirty for you.

Ten years ago you told me you wanted to be CEO.

Ten years, you're not finished yet?

Ten years? How much worse can things get?

Thank you so much for giving birth to me, I know it hurt. Okay?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you, guys. My family thanks you.

Thanks for being so cool about this too.

Thanks to you, baby! I love you!

Thanks.

That hotel design? I'd like to rip it up.

That Samantha?

That was We did good, right?

That way we can get the hell out of this dump, go to T.G.I. Friday's...

That'd be nice, huh?

That's a girl's bike. All the kids will make fun of me.

That's a great idea. Thank you, thank you.

That's a looker. Blondie, big lips. Chesty.

That's a lot of sex.

That's even better. Happy second of July, honey.

That's his second one in five minutes.

That's humiliating.

That's incredible. I knew it was gonna be a great day.

That's it. Get some sleep. Thank you, Mr. Ammer. All right. Good night.

That's it. That's it.

That's me in the Jets shirt.

That's my boy! That's my boy! Kid, you were great!

That's not bad for your third liposuction.

That's pretty huge for this one.

That's probably what caused your heart attack.

That's something you shouldn't know about for another 10 to 30 years.

That's sweet.

That's the craziest thing I've ever heard.

That's what happens to you when you fast forward.

That's what I'm talking about.

That's what it's all about anyways, the profits.

That's you, Samantha? When did you get boobs?

The architect. How did this happen?

The big difference is now you've got a nifty remote...

The ceiling's too high, the hallway's too narrow...

The family was up late last night celebrating.

The floor is so mushy and slippery. Feels good on my feet.

The kids have been talking about camping all year.

The king is home! Hello, hello!

The latest, greatest universal remote not even on the market yet.

The lights are on but nobody's home.

The note you wrote her, it's in your pocket.

The O'Doyles got a universal remote control.

The one from the cereal ad.

The only way for that to happen is for me to watch this stinking show!

The remote goes by your behavior.

The remote is lie proof, so you can't change what already happened.

The remote lets your mind skip around...

The river in the lobby idea, what an egghead move.

The same time you did, Dad. Now can I go?

The stupid idiot and soft fur.

The weight. How did you do it? Staple treatment like your old man?

Then maybe Michael will wanna hang out with you too.

Then we can get out of here...

Then you better get started.

There, I had my water. What's going on?

There's only one place left for it to pop up.

These are the coolest bikes in the whole town.

These guys are Japanese. They can't wait for their fish to cook.

These morons are so boring.

They ain't gonna hear us. Come on.

They lied to me, I guess.

They make me wanna chop my own dick off.

They told me at the pet store it was a female.

They went to work. You had sex with their unemployed brothers.

They're making you. Like bunny rabbits.

They're very understanding about not going camping this weekend.

Think I don't know that?

Thirty arguments and a haircut?

This hotel project? It's a big fish.

This is 1010 WINS news. February 5th, 2017.

This is bad, this is bad.

This is last Tuesday.

This is not the life I wanted.

This is This is very nice of you.

This is what happens. He's gonna answer his phone.

This item is nonreturnable.

This one is cheaper.

This one's got the duck doing all the work.

This thing is the best.

This time you be Sundance, I'll be the duck.

Those machines are keeping you alive.

Three's Company.

Time and a place. Time and a place.

To do these documents is gonna take me months.

To the moment he died. You weren't there.

Took that bastard a year to promote me?

Traffic, traffic, no more traffic.

Tree house?

Twinkie. You don't need it. You don't need it, man.

Two queen beds, full kitchen, steam shower...

Unfortunately, there was a mix up at Daddy's work.

Very funny, Mr. Newman.

Very quickly, please, count to three because it tastes terrible.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. I'm sorry, it might be a boy.

Wait a sec!

Wait, hold on a second, Trudy. I gotta say hi to your son.

Wait. When I get to that place and become a boss...

Wake the O'Doyles, let them see what you got.

Walk His Majesty through our design concept.

Wanna have a flap fight? You gotta see this

Want me to take my shirt off for you? Because I don't play for that team.

Watch Dragon Tales together. What do you say?

Watsuhita wants to knock it down and build a luxury hotel.

Way to go, champ.

We could go, we could whistle at pretty girls.

We don't have any other choice, guys.

We don't wanna interrupt.

We gotta postpone the camping trip.

We need to bring the bikes back for now.

We should go to lunch tomorrow and pick out your dad's birthday gift.

We thought you were sleeping, Daddy.

We'll see you guys later. Okay, bye bye.

We're gonna have one too.

We're taking off. Thanks for a great night.

Wedding cake. Wedding cake.

Welcome to Newman Architecture.

Well, I mean, you're not "young" young.

Well, I'm gonna be partner soon, and I'm gonna need new building designs.

Well, if you guys love Ichiro and Matsui so much, let's order them both.

Well, it's stupid. Next. What is yours made of?

Well, that's all right.

Well, the interesting thing, Prince Habeeboo...

Well, we can paint my old bike and make it look new.

Well, whoop de do for the O'Doyles.

Well, you gotta get some rest sometime, sweetheart.

Well, you're gonna freeze your bun buns off.

What a family.

What are we celebrating?

What are we sitting for?

What are you doing? Come here! Give me my Twinkie!

What are you doing? What are you doing?

What are you talking about?

What did you just say?

What do you mean "taking him"?

What do you mean I just got here? Why are you saying that?

What do you mean, "might be"? What is that?

What do you think?

What do you want from me?

What else did I miss?

What else we got here?

What happened to Alice?

What happened?

What happened? I missed the whole Dragon Tales era?

What happened? Oh, God, what did I do?

What is it? Well, if you bring your tushies downstairs, we'll find out.

What is this, Animal Planet?

What is this?

What is this? This is titties.

What is with you?

What kind of stereo you got in that blue piece of shit?

What the heck did I do?

What the heck happened? I didn't even touch the remote.

What the heck is going on?

What the hell was that song?

What was going on there, huh?

What What is that?

What?

What?

What? It's Monday already?

What's all this?

What's going on?

What's gonna happen? You got an answer to that?

What's that, Michael? You had a bad dream?

What's this?

Whatever happened to "forever and ever," honey?

Whatever happened to the good old days...

When did you get so handsome?

When did you grow up? Ben, get over here.

When exactly did I hurt my head?

When is it gonna end?

When Mr. Ammer explained to me the type of man you are...

When was it? Like, six years ago?

Where are we?

Where did you find the time to get a tan?

Where is Where's bar?

Where was I?

Where'd all my fat go?

Where's the box? Does it come with directions?

Which one of these turns on the TV?

Who are you?

Who is this bigmouth? Why can't you and I just talk?

Who needs a stupid river in the lobby?

Who's Peanut? Where's Sundance?

Who's that, James Earl Jones?

Whoa, cowboy.

Whoa, hey, hello.

Whoa, what are you, half a dolphin or something? That was incredible.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's the catch here, man?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who the hell's this Derek guy?

Whoa, whoa!

Why are you always trying to hurt me? One day I'm gonna hurt you back.

Why are you doing this, then?

Why does he have a bathing suit on?

Why don't you do the humpy pumpy on the duck, okay?

Why would I wanna return something I got for free?

Why? Because there is no talking to you. You're never home to talk to.

Why'd you make me waste my entire life?

Will you give me a break one time?

Will you just hold it in for five minutes and keep the freaking volume down?

Will you please stop yelling? It is so embarrassing.

Will you stop already?

With Johnny G String over here?

With pleasure.

Wolverine's goofy cousin.

Word up, big guy.

Would you mind looking at my shopping mall design again?

Would you stop flapping that thing?

Would you stop talking and fix the sewer?

Wow, I just got a big headache!

Wow, man.

Wow, this is terrific, buddy. Who's the lucky lady?

Yay, Michael!

Yeah Keep the pants on.

Yeah, Ben!

Yeah, but what controls my dance skills?

Yeah, can I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah, come here, I'll freshen your breath.

Yeah, CSI.

Yeah, Dad. It's kind of been halfway done for two months now.

Yeah, go get some, baby.

Yeah, good RoboDog.

Yeah, he's incredible.

Yeah, I mean, you're right. In the short run...

Yeah, if he hadn't knocked you on your noggin...

Yeah, it's much cooler than your stupid, human dog.

Yeah, Newman. Get it.

Yeah, that's what I heard.

Yeah, the river in the lobby. This is actually pretty good, man.

Yeah, well, let's kiss and make up.

Yeah, well, my father's stereo is a Bose.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Very nice.

Yeah!

Yeah! That's what I'm talking about, baby!

Yeah? I'm gonna take my clothes off, then

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Basically you want me to design you an Arabian hoochie house?

Yeah. I forgot to tell you.

Yeah. I'll get you next time.

Yeah. Just one device to do it all for me...

Yeah. No! I can't shower because then I'll fast forward.

Yeah. What are you saying, I shouldn't do it?

Yeah. Why not, why not?

Yeah. Yeah, you're right, Dad.

Yes, my crappy car!

Yes, sir.

Yes, yes!

Yes, you heard me. If you keep up this weird attitude...

Yes! Look at me.

Yes?

You are the best, Ma. You know I know that, right?

You bastard.

You both really need to get some sleep.

You come over tomorrow night, and the night after that. Any time you want.

You could call it MeVo.

You did this to yourself, Michael.

You do need a Yodel, though. Okay. Good job.

You don't have to do that much.

You don't wanna know.

You done?

You getting sick, sheriff?

You got a remote for a blanket?

You got family here. You're busy. Come on.

You got it, Bill.

You gotta admit, you can always count on Matsui.

You gotta poop again?

You gotta tell me how you do the quarter trick, it's driving me crazy.

You guys deserve the best...

You guys got a universal remote control back here?

You guys got any universal remote controls in there?

You had a fun time hanging out with me?

You had your fun. Just take me to a good place.

You hate me?

You have no idea. But, honey, please, stay off the bong pipe.

You have to eat sometime.

You just got here, Dad. I saw you.

You just gotta give me some time.

You know calculus?

You know that.

You know way too much about me.

You know what? I never checked, Kevin.

You know who I am.

You know, fast food shortens your life.

You know, I wouldn't be surprised...

You know, Michael, your father would've loved to be here.

You lived the life you chose, big shot.

You look a little pale there, pal. Let me fix that.

You look You look good.

You looked like you were having a crazy dream.

You master that, people are gonna think you're a half a dolphin out there.

You mediocre, middle class piece of shit!

You okay?

You really knocked one out of the park last night, didn't you?

You reel it in for me and it's "Howdy, partner."

You said we'd go to lunch tomorrow and pick out your dad's birthday gift.

You see, what is hilarious to some, could be offensive to others.

You should get some work done.

You son of a bitch!

You take it back, I'm deactivating my service.

You wanna see what a stud I used to be? Yeah?

You wanna shower first?

You want a friend? You want a friend? I'll be your friend, baby.

You want me to open the garage for you?

You want time to think? Why don't you think about the fact that you just wo

You wanted a universal remote control that remote controls your universe.

You wanted to see me?

You were fast forwarding through your life...

You, me and Ben should go and have a boys' night out.

You... This is not...

You'll feel that in a second.

You're a big boy. You set your own priorities.

You're a regular Derek Jeter yourself, O'Doyle.

You're crying?

You're dead.

You're going to work in your bathrobe?

You're just jealous because Donna and I are going to the gym...

You're kidding me.

You're laying there disappointed, I'm smiling.

You're looking for a universal remote control?

You're not going anywhere. Now, get back into the bed.

You're not gonna be the life of the party, but yes.

You're not my dad.

You're not supposed to lay in the beds, but I do sometimes.

You're on it now, yeah. Yeah.

You're pathetic.

You're right. I'm wrong. All the time. You want a kiss?

You're still with Speedo Torpedo?

You're such a schmuck for letting her go.

You're the only person to gain weight during chemo.

You've already cheated on three different husbands with their brothers.

You've always known.

Your dad, it was his time.

Your daddy has wanted to know how I've done that trick...

Your entire ass is gone. What happened? Good for you.

Your face. Your skinny face. You're shaving now, huh, kid?

Your father's stereo blows? That's too bad.

Your first day as a partner, you come to work in a fricking bathrobe?

Your mother must have some superpower eyesight...

Your mother's playing canasta with her friends tonight.

Your wife's rocking body still drives me crazy."

...and says something cheeky. This will be good.

...because of my diabetes. True.

...but this is kind of important. Okay.

...it's gonna do it on its own now? Pretty much.

...to this hoochie house? This idea's...

"Good one, Donna"? Michael, relax.

"Making of"? Just click.

Absolutely. Thank you so much.

All right, I love you, Michael. Your life menu.

All right, Michael, save us. I'm all over it, baby.

All right! All right.

Amazing. What is?

And I'm not going to. Q, R, S, T, U

And wipe off all that makeup! Right!

Are you done? Can we relax now? Sorry.

Are you kidding me? Sneaky.

As far as you know. What?

Awesome! No way! Yeah, yeah.

Bad news. There's no hot water. What? I gotta take a shower.

Ben. Don't you ever say that again.

Benjamin. Look at that. Look What?

Bring me back the Twinkies! You're so cruel!

But Daddy gave them to us! Because he loves you.

Bye, you guys. Bye, sweetie.

Can I ask you something? Yes.

Can we take a walk? Sure.

Can't. What do you mean you can't?

Click it. Click it.

Come on, just take it. Until we meet again.

Congratulations, Mr. Newman. This is great. Thank you.

Dad! Dad!

Dad! Dad! Help!

Dad? Yeah.

Dad? Yes, sir?

Daddy held it in so long. He was the best dog!

Daddy's gonna die in one minute! Oh, no, honey.

Don't think I forgot my beautiful wife. Oh, my gosh.

Excuse us for a moment. Absolutely, Mr. Watsuhita.

Feels incredible, sir. Well, you earned it. I'm telling you.

Finish? Did I finish? I believe I finished.

For a shower curtain or a bathmat? For a television.

Go to the bathroom. Okay.

Go, Michael, go! One Mississippi. Two Mississippi.

God. I love it. It is simply awesome.

Good morning, Mr. Newman. Good morning.

Good morning, Mr. Newman. Hello.

Good morning, Mr. Newman. Hi.

Good morning, Mr. Newman. Man, Alice...

Good night, honey. Love you.

Great. They could have a sleepover instead.

Hello, Michael. Where'd you come from?

Here you go, Pop, drink this. All right. Drink some water.

Hey, Dad. "Hey, Dad"?

Hey. Please. Don't give me that finger.

How did you get in here? I had a feeling you wanted to see me.

Hubba Bubba. Habeeboo!

I can't sleep. You can't?

I didn't mean right this second. But I already told my wife, sir.

I get the paper. I got the crayons.

I gotta go to that? Yes.

I guess I can do it all, sir. You can do it all.

I heard our song on the radio. We have a song?

I love it! You look good, baby.

I love you. I love you so much.

I love you. I love you too.

I taste shit. You do?

I think she's wonderful. Definite keeper.

I told your parents to come for dinner. Really? That sounds good.

I was a jerk. You are a jerk.

I'll race you there, Dad. Come on. Okay.

I'll see you upstairs. I'll bring the duck.

I'll take a kiss. I can't. If I give you a kiss...

I'm down for that. See? He's down.

I'm kidding you. I'll be there. Okay? All right. I love you, Michael.

I'm the leader! No, I'm the leader!

I've been your partner one day. So?

Is that my daughter? Mom, I'm going to Derek's!

Isn't that Colin Farrell? Where?

It must have cost a million dollars! That's chump change now.

It started already. What?

It's a girl. It's a girl!

Janine. Everything okay?

Julie and I can go to Italy anytime. No.

Just think about it, Michael. Absolutely.

Knock, knock, gang. Hey, sweetie.

Let's see here. Look at that. Very impressive, Michael.

Looking good, Mr. Newman. Really? Thank you very much, Judy.

Love you, kid. Love you too, Dad.

Michael, stop. No.

Michael? Yo.

Michael. Sorry I'm late, sir.

Michael. Yes.

Mom said you were still a little loopy. No, no, no. I'm feeling terrific.

Morocco? Morocco.

Need another massage or anything? Oh, go away.

No cupcakes yet. But I'm starving.

No fair! I don't wanna return my bike! We have to, honey.

No, not true. Lie to your wife.

Not anymore it ain't. RoboDog!

Not at all. Thank you.

Of course. I said so, so I'll be there. Okay.

Oh, It's a girl. Thank you so much. Thank you for that.

Oh, Michael, it's beautiful. I heard you talking to my mother.

Oh, my God. Help! Help!

Oh, shit! Yeah, you better run!

Okay, sweetie. Calm it down. No, no!

Okay. Rock 'n' roll.

Okay. Yeah. I'll show you.

One minute. One minute?

P yew! Was that a stinky dink bug? Good job.

Pickles. Oh, don't be a baby.

Prince Haboobee Habeeboo!

Promise? I promise. Swear. Come here.

Put a sweater on! Don't take it off! Okay, Daddy.

Reach for the sky, Pocahontas. No, back to bed.

Really? Yeah.

She is, isn't she? Perfect face. Tight, rocking body.

Shit. Need something, Mr. Newman?

Shit. You're born and you live and you die.

So I talked to the kids. Oh, yeah?

So I'll probably Bill?

Sorry, Grandma. How do you do that, Grandpa?

Sounds sweet. It is sweet.

Still itchy? You got it.

Stop, I'm gonna have a heart attack. No, I have the heart attacks.

Stop. Yes.

That make you happy? Did you eat a bad Yodel?

That's a tiny schmeckel. Yeah?

That's my Donna. It's true.

That's not fair to your wife. Dad...

That's the spot. Smack my heinie!

Then what stroke was he doing, Dad? He was doing the shut up.

Think I like this holiday. Yeah?

Unfortunately, yes. Is there anything we can do to help?

Was I hit by a train or something? I didn't see anything.

We can't argue! Donna, please! I hate you! I hate you!

We did it? Well, you did.

We have a boy! Is it gonna work?

We have a boy! We have a boy!

We have some designs for you. It's not a good time, man.

What an idiot. It's okay, it's okay.

What happened? What ?

What have I got here? Two, three.

What the hell's this room made of? Pizza.

What's going on down here? Ben. Ben!

What's wrong with me? Bunny rabbit, bunny

What's wrong? What happened? Nothing's wrong.

What's your name, anyways? Call me Morty.

Where am I? You're in Bed Bath & Beyond, sir.

Who are you? Kirsten, your assistant.

Why are you crying? I'm dizzy from the operation.

Why are you so mean to me? Get them on now!

Why'd you do that? Because. You're my father.

Will you look at the man? I'll tell you the secret.

Yeah, what was that about, huh? The kid was drowning.

Yeah! Let's take them outside!

Yeah? But you gotta massage me first.

Yes. That smells good. What?

You did? What is it?

You don't understand the metaphor? I won't do it, all right.

You got the commission? Not yet.

You scared Honey, what's going on down there?

You staying downstairs tonight? Why? That's getting you going?

You want us to bring you one? You cheating on me?

You're a horndog. Michael.

You're gonna make me cry, Dad. You don't You don't have to go.

You're gonna wake up 400 pounds. Okay.

...a millionaire, a big shot, the first thing I'm gonna do...

...a visionary who prides himself on originality...

...and all the guys are gonna be hitting on us.

...and do Jell O shots at America's greatest cultural achievement:

...and fix his butthole.

...and he's seen a lot of shit.

...and I should've and I'm sorry.

...and I'd like you to take his job.

...and make sure nobody touches her except you.

...and satellite TV with surround sound.

...and that's what you're gonna get from now on, okay?

...and the kids' honeymoon.

...and then I gotta sew the duck's head back on for Sundance...

...as he realized Alice had brought him a cheeseburger...

...because I didn't see anything.

...but decided not to...

...but it might lead to an argument. We can't argue because off I'll go.

...but they can bite it hard.

...but to me there is no doubt...

...but you won't let me think!

...but you, Samantha, Grandpa, Grandma.

...but your body actually stays put for the boring stuff.

...call me.

...do some Jell O shots till this guy pukes up a lung.

...do you mind if I dance with my ex husband for a minute?

...do you think you're gonna have more time for us...

...fearing that Alice may spit in...

...for that was exactly what Alice was planning to do.

...for the kids' sake.

...got nothing to do with hoochies, Michael.

...he tried to hump my leg and I didn't let him...

...hit rewind, and you're there.

...I can reexperience any part of my life I want to.

...I disappoint somebody.

...I said to myself, "Let's smash the mold and redefine elegance."

...I used to fool around with before I met Donna.

...I was stuck in traffic for an hour and a half. When's the meeting?

...I won't be able to work for a year and have to plan 10 more vacations.

...I'm Ammer's newest partner

...I'm gonna have a face and a body...

...I'm looking at my new partner.

...Ichiro is the greatest of all time.

...if one day you ended up being our CEO.

...if you collapse trying to put up the tent this weekend.

...in hopes one day he might throw you a stinking bone. All right?

...instead of a hamburger as he requested.

...is hire a bunch of idiots just like me to do all my work.

...is now suing himself for molesting himself.

...is that the building codes in Manhattan will allow us

...it might lead to something else, then... three minutes goes by.

...it's just corn flakes.

...licking.

...long before you ever met me.

...make my life a little easier, quicker, not so damn complicated.

...mass quantities of cough syrup with Yodels...

...my wife's friend Janine, wow.

...of the thing you're thinking about doing?

...on corporate brown nosing and worrying who's got the better suit.

...or are things just gonna get even more out of control?

...or otherwise defile the burger in some manner.

...or you'll end up killing yourself too.

...people wouldn't think I was Rosie O'Donnell!

...plastic surgery is a hassle.

...she gets it. Keeping the business going is more important.

...since he was your age.

...since the injury, you haven't been healthy a full day.

...slow down, move to Morocco.

...Stacy.

...stairway placement makes no sense at all.

...than I dreamed of when I was a kid.

...that's gonna get me to places where I wanna be.

...that's probably the most advanced piece of technology...

...the greatest partner I could ever dream of.

...the sooner you'll be partnerized.

...there's something, or actually someone, I'd like to talk to you about.

...to help you decide when.

...trying to come up with activities for our Fourth of July camping trip...

...we have in this place.

...welcome to the family.

...well, that was a potential speed bump.

...when you pulled the knob and on came the boob tube?

...you get acid.

...you wouldn't have had the CAT scan that found the cancer before it spread.

...you'll see it has a much better natural flow

"Dad"?

"Ended. " It's not over yet.

"Forever and ever"?

"I'm on autopilot." More like auto zombie.

"Like I said, 'Good guys need a break. '

"Linger" by The Cranberries was playing during our first juicy kiss.

"Oh, this procedure is too risky."

"They're magically delicious." That guy?

"Very nice"? This thing is worth more than your car.

"What are we celebrating?" We're healthy, we got a great family...

♪ I love you, you love me ♪

♪ Mr. Ammer is here ♪

♪ That jogger had giant boobies ♪