Little Voice (1998) Edit

A bit of a...

A brown envelope? What's on telly?

A little girl that's big... a northern light... a rising star...

A long time since I've been dragged down the Northern clubs, Say.

A spot of "Who do you do?" For Mr. Boo, like.

A talent... an undiscovered treasure...

A the one, a the only Little Voice, ladies and gentlemen!

A tribute to his life's loves.

About services and all that.

Acts that can be bothered. Night, all.

Ah, Sadie, it's me.

Ah, well, I didn't think he looked like the shirt liftin' type somehow.

Ah, yes, you little bastard.

All I can say is that she might stand an outside chance as a mime act.

All right, Mari? Okay?

All right, then. Get 'em back up.

All right?

All right?

All right.

All right. Well, hold him there. I'm coming down now.

All she did was keep it shaded and safe...

All that cooin' and flappin' and shittin' all over shop. They want shootin', them.

All you're doin' is gettin' in the way.

All you've got to do is step on from the side.

All your records all around ya.

An act of wonder, ladies and gentlemen.

And a gob on me for every occasion.

And after a while, it gave her his heart.

And all you can dream about is bloody Duane.

And at least there's the thick wad of his wallet...

And double me palpitations.

And even you squeak from time to time, don't ya?

And guess which exotic part of the world I came across tonight's star turn?

And he knows everyone.

And I always liked a man in a uniform, me.

And I'm not gonna leave here ever, ever again,

And let me rustle up one of Ray Say's famous breakfassays.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for our first act...

And see 'em fly, and better still, see 'em back, well, it's, it's dead exciting.

And some shit tight bloody bra.

And the duck says, "Certainly not. What sort of duck do you think I am?"

And the lovely Elaine!

And the lovely, lucky Elaine!

And then sing to it and stroke it...

And together... you and me... we could set this place on fire.

And under the bloody stars.

And we all know what that entertainment is, don't we?

And you can do nothin' but whisper and whine like your father before you.

And you're feeling, "This is it."

And you're still in the way now.

And your nights and your nights and your nights...

And your nights and your nights...

And your pals and your nights...

And, to her great surprise,

Any new star you name, love, he got 'em started.

Anyway, pretty people, enough of me.

Are you receiving me?

Are you watching this or what?

Aren't we all, love. She'll be all right once she gets on there.

Arndale Centre weren't built in a day, you know.

As a matter of fact, here. Take one of me new cards.

As you know, Boo braves anything,

At all times,

At last! Yes! Yes!

Aye, but look at me, luvvy, eh?

Aye, callin' long distance, me.

Aye, well, I'm off out on the razz.

Aye, you see, that's all you get when she's upset...

Aye. Come in, Ray. Come in.

Aye. There's a big race today. They start off from France at 9:00.

Aye. Where's the first call?

Aye. You let 'em out, they fly around and come back.

Bangers and bubble and a fuck hot tea, ta. Twice.

Because we've pulled out all the stops for your Friday night frolickings!

Been workin' on the act... planning and that.

Believe me. Let's do it, eh?

Bit of gray matter and a bit of gray matter. All it takes.

Bit of nouse, bit of coat hanger, and, bingo, let there be light.

Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the Earth. But when, eh? When?

Bloody hell. All right, all right.

Bloody hell. That's gratitude for ya.

Bloody hell. This is it, eh?

Bloody marvelous, that. Who else you do?

Bluebirds.

Boo! Boo!

Boo's? You what?

Bright lights, a bit of glitz, snazzy frocks. All that.

But at least he knows how to slide and dart and take a throat.

But before it flew to its freedom,

But I'm a big noise in these parts.

But I've got 'em in the fuckin' used car business.

But she's going to have to in a minute, otherwise she'll be going on like she is.

But that's all in the future. That's to look forward to.

But we're not doin' it now.

But what she did was so simple.

But with fine lights.

But you wanna get this lot seen to, you know. Could bring the house down.

But, really, you're a devious little bastard, aren't ya?

But, Sadie, what a night I had me last night, eh.

By wasting my time listening to singers that don't sing.

Called, "It's Over."

Christ. Do you think I don't have birds I go to?

Clean and tidy. That's nice.

Come in.

Come on then. Lead us to the dotted line.

Come on, love. Enough of this.

Come on, love. Squeak to me, eh?

Come on, then. Let's roll about.

Come on! You can do better than that. How are you all doing? All right?

Come on. I've had enough of you lot tonight. Dress on now. Move it, will ya?

Come on. Look after me.

Come on. Off out of it. Make way for a woman in lust.

Come on. You can do better than that. How y'all doin'? All right?

Come on. You can do better than that. So how you all doin'?

Cooped up there in the dark all day, like a friggin' bird trapped in the rafters.

Couple of bloody nothin's, the pair of ya.

Crappaty records full bloody blast.

Curtains!

Dad.

Dad.

Darling.

Dead.

Did he ring, LV? Did he ding a ling? Eh?

Did you ever meet...

Did you get her dress from the dry cleaners okay? Yeah?

Did you not see her? Legs of jelly she had for me.

Didn't your mum tell you? No?

Do another one. Go on. Do some more.

Do anything. Anything. And, Jesus, look happy!

Do what?

Do without that sort of crap just before show, eh?

Do you want to give me an 'and?

Does, does that stand for something?

Don't come the fucking impresario with me.

Don't go. I'm just interested. You know, what with me being in show business myself, like.

Don't speak for a minute.

Don't spoil it, Raymondo. We go so well together.

Don't think she liked it. Won't be doin' it no more.

Don't worry, Billy.

Don't you think it's like puttin' me face in flowers after you?

Double, and a Campari chaser.

Down as likely as up,

Duane.

Duane's a pigeon, right?

Dump her home. Let's go eat.

Eh, and listen, you.

Eh, come on, lover. I'm mad for it here.

Eh, do it for your mum, eh?

Eh, don't know. Hello. You must be George's wife.

Eh, I'm doin' it now, Ray, love. Yes, I am.

Eh, it was Mr. Boo himself introduced us the other night.

Eh, listen. You, me, cafe, now. Last one out door pays, all right?

Eh, look at the red on him now. Lookie. Oh, dear.

Eh, speakin' of which, I can call Sadie on me new instrument.

Eh, you're too quiet to be me friend, you. Fuck off!

Eh, your mom's a live wire, ain't she? Bloody hell!

Eh? [Whispering] And fuck off.

Eh? And you know me.

End of story. Now come on, Ray.

Er, a big, flashy set.

Er, I forgot to leave you this... reading matter.

Er, mine's, mine's a double Scotch, Boo. I'll see you up there, eh?

Even taught one of them to talk once.

Ever!

Everything all right then?

Everything your throbbin' throat could desire, lover boy.

F Forgot to leave your, er, reading matter...

Fine lights.

Fine. Is that Duane?

Finished, fucking finished me.

First that little phone fart, and now you all droolin' over that little stick of shite.

Five lads all built like Buddha.

Five minutes, tell 'em. All right? Toodle pip.

Flyin' all over her house.

Flyin' free.

For fresh talent to spice up your midweek merriment here.

For God's sake, wise up, woman, eh?

For one not known for his over usage of words, you don't half pick 'em, do ya?

For the turn of turns... a the one, a the only...

For Wild Trigger Smith...

Freddie "Mr. Parrot Face" Davis?

Frig me. That's ama... That's amazing.

Fuck me.

Fuck off, ya jumped up little prat.

Fuck!

Fuckin' hell.

Giving Mr. Boo here a shufti at me clients.

Go on, love. Fire away.

Go on.

Go on. Go on. Go on. Sing.

Go on. I bet you can.

Go on. Slap some food about for me.

Go on. What's that you're eatin', anyway?

Go upstairs now, Sadie. See if star turn's ready.

God! The little bird's bleated and died with all the shock.

Goes anywhere in his perpetual quest...

Good boy. Jump!

Good fucking bye!

Got Boo to let us have another go. I've worked it all out.

Got it nice here, haven't you?

Guess who I just spoke to... only Bunny Morris.

Happens sometimes, once they're out.

Happy as a lark. Oh, there be no bloody croonin' for your dead mum.

Has, has Duane come home?

He knows all about showbiz, and all you have to do is sing.

He never spoke up to ya,

He puts 'em in all the big clubs and all the TV shows.

He wants you down anyway. Show Mr. Boo what you can do.

He went into a library in Essex...

He'll make it in anything, Ray Say.

He's down at Mr. Boo's nightclub all the time.

He's one of them lovable twat sorta types.

He's quiet, isn't he?

He's, er... He's not in yet.

Hello, me.

Hello?

Hello...

Her and that Shirley Bassey drinking our bloody cocoa.

Here he is... Mr. Ray Say.

Here it is.

Here you are. I've got you something.

Here, make me a cup of tea, LV, love.

Here's to the rise of rise of Little Voice.

Hey, did you win?

Hey, give us that paper, here.

Hey, speakin' of sparks,

Hey, stay calm. Don't get mad at me.

Hey, steady on. Billy's fond of his birds.

Hey, this one doesn't speak neither, love.

Hey, you, you twat!

Hey, you. What's this, then... one of them rave thingies?

Hey. So could you...

His daughter.

Hoff and on.

Hoff. Mari Hoff. Crappaty name, isn't it?

Hold on, Boo. It won't take a minute. Honest. She's dead special.

Honest, Mari, I, I can't believe it.

Honest. Wild bluebirds.

Huh? That would have really been something, eh?

Husband dead and out the way and all, eh?

I am the one?

I bet that Judy Garland never went on stage in her bloody pajamas,

I bet your dad would have liked that, eh?

I can do 1 4 7 1. It tells you who was ringin'.

I can't be doin' with that.

I can't start again, can I, now?

I can't start the day without some dribblin' fat, can I?

I can't wait, Mari, can you? I'm buzzing. Fit to burst. Big crowd, proper job.

I did meet Des O'Connor, though, and Charlie Williams.

I do 'em for all me artists... when we're on foreign engagements, you know.

I don't know what it is. My spine turns to custard.

I don't know. Have we got some entertainment for 'em tonight? Of course we have.

I don't think our paths ever crossed.

I found you, right?

I get goose pimply all over.

I got tits and all, you know...

I had an auntie once who was, though.

I had me doubts about her doin' again at first, but, well, he won me over.

I had something really special.

I had something... ladies and gentlemen.

I I never said anything about anything.

I I'll grant you that, no. But I can take care of that.

I In show business, yes?

I just had that feelin' in me twat bone.

I knew there was something down for us, me and red hot Ray.

I know you're there, LV.

I left it for you in case I missed you.

I love 'em. I'm up Pigeon Hill all the time, where lofts are.

I love it when you talk swanky.

I may not have friends in high places, Ray,

I meant the other one.

I never spoke up to ya,

I only ordered a phone, not a mobile bloody library.

I reckon you're better off up here.

I said "our souls," madam. The biggest thing in rock,

I shall go to the ball! Oh, you darlings from the sky!

I spend me life and me fortune in them slot boxes. Really, I do.

I suppose the biggest name I ever met was... Monroe.

I think I know how he feels.

I thought you were done, you.

I told you you was wasting your time on the little slit!

I wouldn't give one of these to just anyone, you know.

I, I gotta go, Mari, but what can I tell ya?

I, I heard about what you did tonight.

I, I've never felt like this before... about anyone!

I'll do anything. Just sing.

I'll do it.

I'll have... a cup of tea.

I'll just pop down and get me cigarillos.

I'll see you again somewhere then. Eh?

I'll see you, Billy.

I'm Billy. Can I ask you your name?

I'm frightened, Auntie Em! I'm frightened!

I'm gonna have to get someone else to look after her.

I'm nearly done.

I'm not one for collecting things meself.

I'm off then.

I'm pleased.

I'm shown up, which was more than she was, stood there in bloody dark.

I'm tellin' you you're sittin' on a gold mine...

I'm tired of getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop.

I'm tryin' to make an impression and she can't even be swivel to a friend,

I'm wearin' me share price knickers tonight,

I've got to be off. Got other acts to see.

I've seen a lot of big talent wasted in my time.

If anyone phones before I return,

If he rates 'em, that's it. Nobody says no to Bunny Morris, and neither did I.

If you could ask her or her or her,

In fact, now that I look at 'em, it's the same band. [Chuckles]

In our heads and in his wanderin' hands.

In show business,

Instead of that lousy, dopey drip of a dead dad!

Is Mr. Say there presently, please?

It stopped... on the window ledge.

It's all right, Mari. She's just tired. Bright lights and all that.

It's all right. They know me. We're in for a grand night tonight!

It's happened at last, eh?

It's just one of those once in a lifetime things, eh?

It's like at the races when you know you're on to a certainty,

It's like there's a circus parade passin' over me paps!

It's LV. She's dead tired. She's really...

It's Mari Hoff.

It's not all glamour, this game.

It's one of the services mentioned I i i in the readin' matter.

It's only me.

It's what I've been lookin' for for ages.

Just for a few hours, 'cause, look, we're cutting things a bit fine now.

Just go!

Just... stay calm and relax.

King of cabaret... manager of miracles.

Later, when it grew strong,

Let me open that front door...

Let's fly! Come on. Let's go for a fly.

Li i i i...

Like at home.

Like one of them answerin' thingies. You can only leave messages, like.

Like the twinkling star that you are.

Like you're only interested in these bloody things here.

Lions and tigers and bears! Oh, my!

Listen to concerts.

Listen, calm down, calm down. She'll be along in a sec.

Listen, LV. Listen.

Listen, Say. I didn't get where I am today by wasting my time...

Listen. Then it's down to the harbor for a pronto snog.

Little Voice!

Little Voice.

Look at it. Just a pile of old junk no fucker wants.

Look, just don't let them do it to ya.

Look. It's gold.

Lookie here, little sparkle neck me.

Love, luvvy. Don't worry. It's only us... me and Ray.

LV, cool it!

LV, I'm worried. Are you all right?

LV, management is here.

LV, uh...

LV, we out of bacon?

LV!

LV!

LV! You got ten fucking seconds!

Mari, you look...

Marvelous with 'em she was and all.

Maybe they'll be there.

Me heart in me mouth, his hands up me skirt...

Me home, me walls,

Me name's Laura.

Me telly, me phone.

Me. Always remember that.

Mention bacon and eggs and she shifts like Linford friggin' Christie!

Mi i i ister Boo!

Mr. Boo would like you to sing at his club on stage.

Music ringin' in my bloody ears.

Music.

My ass. My golden old ass in Ray Say's hand...

My crap house, and you know what they say,

My dad used to bring me here.

N No, I forgot to leave this, er, readin' matter. It tells you...

Never felt like this before about anyone, he says.

Never mind. That's it, then, eh?

Next day or something... when hubby's out,

Nice tune, that.

No Gracey airs, and if you don't like it, you can piss off out of it.

No problem. Pas de problemo.

No, feathered variety... pigeons and that.

No, I mean, thanks for gettin' me out.

No, I'm all right. I'm all right. All right.

No, it can't wait. No.

No, it's not all right. She spoils everything, her.

No, uh... No, that weren't a chicken, was it? Uh...

No?

No? What, and me all dressed up and no place to go?

No. I'm afraid we're not quite that advanced yet.

No. No, no. Not yet.

No. That's her. That's LV.

No. The car, Boo. The car.

No. Well, I, I, I was just thinking we, we could have included them, uh, in the, er,

Not back from France yet.

Not dazzling, like you,

Not fond of pigeons neither, is she?

Not in yet? That's not like your Duane.

Not with this. It's foolproof.

Nothin'.

Now we're cookin', aren't we? You hear about this chicken?

Now, look. I know you're a bit on the quiet side,

Now, then, I'd thought you'd be showin' up here sooner or later. You goin' in?

Of neglect!

Oh, aren't you tired?

Oh, aye. Yeah.

Oh, bloody hell. Here's me imaginin' all sorts of slap and tickle,

Oh, bloody hell. What now?

Oh, but, Ray, it were crap awful, weren't it?

Oh, Come on, LV, love, whatever it is that's buggin' ya, just let it stop, eh?

Oh, come on, phone. Ring.

Oh, come on! LV, love, please.

Oh, do somethin' for me, for Christ's sake,

Oh, for fuck's sake, speak, girl.

Oh, hello. Um...

Oh, I don't know what to say now.

Oh, I don't know, Sadie. Maybe this once...

Oh, I know. I'm sorry, darling.

Oh, I know. Your records.

Oh, I, I don't go out. [Sniffles]

Oh, I'm just friggin' into him so!

Oh, just working, you know.

Oh, Mr. Boo's.

Oh, my God! I've blinded me god.

Oh, no! He's here! He's here! Jesus! Jesus!

Oh, no. Not Duane.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, shove something on, something for me, LV, love.

Oh, sod this. I'm off down the cafe, me.

Oh, stop it. Me ears won't take it.

Oh, take it back. I don't like the front.

Oh, that. Oh, okay.

Oh, that's all right.

Oh, the music was in our heads...

Oh, up and down and down and up...

Oh, well, there you go.

Oh, well. Never mind. Er, let's plonk you down here, love,

Oh, what am I doin', and in front of you?

Oh. Right.

Oh... go on. Drop her off.

Ohh.

Ohh. Liquor, lacquer. Liquor, lacquer.

Okay. Leg over and out.

Old enough to be your bloody grandma.

On and on and friggin'...

On stage, down at Boo's.

One love, his songs,

Only debts. [Laughs]

Only the wires of me home's cracklin' up on me.

Ooh, but them uniforms are not very becomin'.

Ooh, I'll be wired up to the world soon, me... in touch with all parts.

Ooh! [Screams]

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Or stop at home for a bleeding quiet night in. Be a real riot, that would.

Order and hush. Hush and order...

Other people who are, well, still alive.

Other people who...

Over the fuckin' rainbow, eh?

Ow! Bloody hell!

Put me right off, that has.

Ray gun. Me very own Ronnie Ray gun.

Ray Say.

Ray, love, there's, um...

Ray, no. What are you sayin'?

Ray. Sun Ray. Sting Ray.

Ray'll be here in a minute and your mum's getting just a little bit fucking irate, all right?

Ray's going to kill me. He's going to throttle me.

Reading matter.

Reading matter. That's the best one.

Recent bacon, I mean.

Remember that. It's Ray who's the big shot. [Chuckles]

Right, you. You got a fuckin' second to get in shape.

Right. If you could just sign this, Mrs., er...

Right. Sod the bitch. We'll have our own on.

Route bloody One... London, Leeds, Las Vegas.

Sadie, love, you pick up the dress?

Sang.

Screwin' around more like. You come on all quiet...

See ya, then.

See, Sadie? It's a love token.

Sees the return of young Little Voice.

Seriously, LV. It'll never happen again.

She could've made an effort and done some Spice Girls or something, for Christ's sake!

She did the whole thing to spite Mother. I know her.

She just needs a, a big band or something to boost her confidence...

She plays records all the time.

She set it free.

She's a redhead, my wife. No hair, just a read head. [Feeble Chuckling]

Shh, shh!

Shh! I'm listening.

Shipley Street. Domestic installation.

Shirley Bassey?

Shirley? Dear old Shirley? Shirley, Shirley, Shirley.

Sing, for fuck's sake. Sing!

Sing! Like what you do best anyway.

So a big welcome, please, to Wild Trigger Smith...

So I don't know why she wants to.

So please give a big Mr. Boo welcome...

So smack one hand against t'other, if you will, for the turn of turns return!

So, how you all doin'? All right?

Something I'll never forget. Fuck.

Someways I wish I could lash it 'round me finger.

Sorry, George. Sorry.

Start of the war, Bobby Moore.

Steady, steady. Steady.

Stop clinging, will ya? You're all over me all the time, like the bloody pox.

Stop messin' about. We're late.

Strong winds forecast. Don't like winds, don't Duane.

Sung by his only other love...

Ta da!

Ta very much, but just... flap off.

Take Fat!

Takes time to get dressed up like this.

Talk finer details and finances.

Telephone Bill. Little Birdy boy.

Tell 'em... she'll be back.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thanks very much, Mr. Cable.

That fucker fate's smilin' down on us, eh?

That happens to the best of 'em, you know.

That I am, sexy. Well and truly plugged in.

That lass.

That will freak her flabby ass.

That's because they can't fucking hack it.

That's my fuckin' daughter!

That's right, isn't it, Ray?

That's what homin' pigeons do... except Duane, like.

That's what I said. Well, Boo's a man of his word, I'm afraid.

The adorable Mr. Ray Say, ladies and gentlemen,

The bluebird under the moon and over the stars.

The chuckle bag himself:

The compare of all compares;

The door that leads to success.

The fixer. Bunny "Mr. Starmaker" Morris.

The funniest man ever to have been on television;

The lights. It's the lights.

The little stick who wrecks everything.

The man the Northern Echo called "quite amusing";

The manager says, "Do you want that condom on your bill, sir?"

The one with music.

The only good pigeons are in pies.

The overall effect I want, Frank, is like Las Vegas.

The tiny little slit!

The voice of a thousand stars. The girl with the greats queuing up in her gullet!

The world's finest emcee;

Them three there.

Then it turned to her...

Then it's back to your place for a, a listen.

Then what'd you be like, eh, with me murdered? Oh, be up and about, then, I suppose.

There you go. Best I can do.

There's no way that you're coming with me and her to better things. No way, love.

There's people other than your dad who, well,

There's the makings of a first class act there... real class.

They don't get much respect, do they?

They go on till you do.

They like it.

They never bloody started. Bunny Morris. Bunny "Starmaker" Morris.

They trying to make you do it again?

They'd all tell you the same thing.

They're stuck in her head and she can sing 'em and it gets on my wick.

They've all had nights like that, you know. Isn't that right, Judy?

Think about... Judy.

Think about... Marilyn.

Think about... Shirley.

Think of the fuckin' neighbors!

Thirty nine, sixty six and me age, twenty eight.

This is me crappaty home, and this is how I am, Ray.

This night off? This night? This is the night, love!

This, ladies and gentlemen, is me.

Though what you want to get your leg over that for I'll never know.

Thought things couldn't go downhill with you, Ray. What am I gonna tell 'em?

Timid little thing, it was. No bigger... than your thumb.

Tits, gob and an ass to die for, me!

To be honest, love, as I remember,

To Brenda Bailey and her farmyard frolics.

Today this crap house, tomorrow the bloody world.

Tonight, for the second consecutive night in a row,

Too bloody right, Sadie. Get up there and get it on.

Too scared even to leave his cage.

True story, that.

Try as I do, I cannot say no to that man.

Ttl l l le...

Turn out the lights.

Two seconds and his hand's on me ass.

Two things... that's all you had to do... get the dress and have her ready.

Une tasse de the a la Ray.

Up you get. Come on. Come on.

Up yours, stick leg.

Very nice.

Very, very soft every day.

Voi oi oi oice!

W Why did you want to come down here?

We go nowhere. For a start, you're past it. You're body's gone.

We haven't had a band in here this big since VE Day.

We just... m missed a call.

We We'll do, we'll do, we'll do "Chicago."

We'll never be off the telly. MFI Friday, Letterman... he'll fix 'em all.

Welcome to Mr. Boo's. I'm Mr. Boo.

Well, a man with a plan or what, eh? My Ray.

Well, er, she's not what you'd call a performer.

Well, I saw him again last night.

Well, if it's a roller coaster of unbridled excitement you're after,

Well, it saves on travel expenses, don't it?

Well, it's just like I said. She'll not sing. I told you.

Well, mine has.

Well, never mind then, eh?

Well, say hello.

Well, that's it. I give up.

Well, we've got, we've only got one more.

Went to see the girl, George...

What a friggin' championship night!

What a tongue he has on him, eh, Sadie? Half raspberry, half razor.

What are you on about? Bunny Morris is there. He's there now, waiting.

What are you talkin' about, relax? Look at her!

What did I say? What did I say?

What did I tell ya? I said if you didn't laugh at my jokes, I'd sing.

What do you say we continue our little conversation down the cafe, eh?

What do you think you're bloody playin' at?

What do you want, anyway?

What the fuck am I gonna do?

What was she like?

What will I do, eh?

What, her up... Oh, Jesus.

What?

What? Oh, frig me, no!

What? She's not even dressed? We can't have this, Mari.

What're you doin'? Here, get this on.

What's happened here, then, little match girl?

What's he doin' in France?

What's it like then, eh? To watch your master at work.

What's the number again? Oh, no. Don't tell me. I remember.

What's up with you lot? Never had a shag in a Chevy?

What's up? Cat got your tongue?

What's up? Hey, angel.

Whatever, whatever.

When Bunny sees her, he'll do the same.

When he had his records on, he sparkled.

When you need to be concentrating your mind.

When your clothes go, I can't keep track of it. It's all over the place.

Where do I fit in, eh? Need a fuckin' second class act?

Where's LV? Have you seen Ray Say or LV?

Where's she then?

Which are your dad's favorites?

While he stands there tellin' jokes to Mr. Boo.

Who might think something of you, and, ah,

Who'd want me anyway, hmm?

Whoops. There she goes again...

Wife? You bastard!

Will you bear with me? Uh, anyway, as they say in the business,

With a little song about his show business career...

With what you did last night, you know.

With your men and your shouting...

Won't be a tic.

Worked it all out, he has. Gonna take us all to Tarby land.

Works every time. Bedtime readin', I call it.

Would you like me to get it for ya?

Yeah, but we're not comin' down, Boo. Up to the sky we're goin'. Up to the bloody sky.

Yeah, he is. He's comin' here, honest. I gotta pick him up at the Grand at 7:00.

Yeah, well, we'll get a few quick drinks down us,

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. A shame.

Yeah. Of course I do. I'll see you at the Red Lion, okay? All right, love. See ya.

Yeah. Well, I mean, it's similar, innit? I mean, similar case, Tina.

Yes!

You are a star, you.

You are bloody doin' it, girl!

You are my discovery.

You can imagine me feelin's on signin' marriage register... Mr. And Mrs. F. Hoff.

You could go out, you two, for a silent night, holy night.

You did it again, didn't you? And again, tonight, it says.

You don't know nothin' about electrickery, do ya?

You drove him as fast as you could to an early grave!

You go back with the reading matter... leaflets and that.

You great long streak of piss!

You have a nice night in with your pals, eh?

You have a remarkable daughter, Mrs. Hoff.

You know him. Everyone knows him.

You know him. He's agent to the stars...

You know me, Boo. I wouldn't bring you down here for nothing.

You know what I mean.

You know what I'm on about.

You know... the act.

You like Marilyn, yeah?

You look a bit on peckish side to me.

You look like you been chucked in a tool bag, you.

You look stunning, Sadie. We gonna have a dance down there later, eh?

You remember him? The singing bus conductor.

You run a club that no one in their right mind wants to go to.

You should try it sometime, LV.

You should've seen me. Queen for a night, I was.

You suddenly remember a socket ya unplugged, eh?

You tell jokes that no one in their right mind wants to laugh at.

You tell them I'll be back in five minutes, all right?

You want to see her? Then sod off down club and pay like everyone else.

You were in the way the first night I heard her,

You what?

You won't even look at it?

You'll have a cup of tea!

You'll have to come up there with me, LV. See for yourself.

You'll love it... everything tailored to your personality.

You'll never guess what she collected.

You'll never guess who.

You're a nothing, Boo. It's me with the contacts now, me with the friends in the high places.

You're a nutter.

You're all right, love?

You're just damn selfish and useless, you.

You're not gonna let a little hiccup like tonight put you off, are you?

You're on.

You've got him thinking you can do something or something.

You've had it, Mari.

You've not opened your beak all day to eat or to squeak.

Your dad must have spent years buildin' up a collection like this.

Your phone's ringin'.

Your very ow w w wn...

"Too, too true, boo boo be doo." Don't!

[Angry Shouting] ♪ Two, three, four ♪♪ Ray!

[Applause] ♪ You better chase all your cares away ♪

[Beeps] Are you messin' with that Mari Hoff?

[Bell Ringing] Hiya.

[Bell Rings] Perk, girl. Perk!

[Boisterous Response] That's more like it.

[Boo Continues, Indistinct] All you've gotta do is stand here and sing.

[Buzzing] [Man's Voice Muffled] ♪ I'm gonna love you ♪

[Car Door Closes] [Engine Starts]

[Chattering] [Man] Get off!

[Chattering] ♪ Goldfinger ♪

[Cheering] Thank you.

[Chuckles] [Laughs]

[Clicking] [Gasps]

[Cooing] ♪ The mill ♪

[Cork Pops] [Boo] Well, a star is bloody born or what, eh?

[Crackling, Crashing] [Phonograph Slows To Stop] ♪ I wanna die ♪♪

[Crackling] Fuckin' house!

[Crashing] [Billy] LV!

[Creaking] ♪ Burn, baby, burn ♪

[Disgruntled Murmurings] I love her terribly, I do. That's what she says, anyway.

[Door Opens] Oh, I've got to go.

[Door Opens] See ya.

[Drumroll] ♪ Keep them doggies rollin' Rawhide ♪

[Elaine Screams] [Audience Gasps]

[Electrical Cracking] Fuck! Fuckin' house!

[Gags] Wait a minute.

[Gasps] [Clicks] [Ray] Normal service resumed, eh?

[Gasps] I'm just checking to see if your wires are all right.

[George] Now then. [Gasps]

[Glass Shatters] This is crazy, Ray. The punters can't see.

[Groans] [Chuckles]