Mystery, Alaska (1999) Edit

A committee of town fathers decides who plays and by what rules.

A couple of short rights knocks the helmet off. Another one. Are they gonna get tired?

A huge save by Holt!

A little further up my ass, please?

A sense of giving back to the place where I grew up.

After all, I am the father of this child.

After you, Skank.

Against a Cinderella team from the tiny town of Mystery, Alaska.

Ah! Whoo! You can't catch me!

All I did was suggest we meet, and then he pulled out a gun.

All I've got...

All right, folks. Gotta go.

All right, just follow the light.

All right, well, we're not the Partridge Family.

All right!

All right? It isn't exactly rocket surgery.

All right.

All right. Let's go again.

All the hoopla is over.

All the words are crossed out.

All we know is they have poor dental health and can skate like the wind.

Along the boards, you gotta fight for it!

Amends.

And a couple of guys can really shoot the puck.

And all of you, and all the TV commentators...

And another Ranger line comes back warm from the locker room.

And back comes Mystery. Birdie Burns with Biebe.

And Banks wins it. Biebe carries.

And don't kid yourself. The New York Rangers are taking this game personal.

And hard! He stamps the captain into the screen!

And having Chuck Fuck as our liaison with the network doesn't help.

And he got his wings trimmed right there, man.

And he just missed it!

And he never said it like it was something we should have to apologize for.

And he rips the shot over Gainer's glove!

And here come the boys of winter.

And here come the red, white and blue.

And here comes Mystery. Let's see how they work the puck.

And here they come, five on four!

And I can't help it if it impressed the hell out of you.

And I would step off that train and say,

And impanel Monday.

And isn't it exciting for Charlie...

And isn't it exciting for Charlie...

And it's kind of in keeping with the whole idea, don't you think?

And it's Mystery two and the Rangers zero.

And it's not fair to the Saturday game.

And joining me right now is hockey legend Donnie Shulzhoffer...

And Mystery comes streaking back the other way.

And now the New York Rangers want to come.

And now, 43 seconds to play.

And now, to sing the National Anthem, the one,

And Phil, you don't see a guy just lie down in front of a Billy Wasson...

And Silvie Walker repeated it to Sarah Heinz.

And that smile is not for me.

And that ties it up at two.

And that'll keep the blade flat on the ice.

And the captain is the town sheriff.

And the helicopter was...

And the hick ass fucker shoots my foot off! Cock fucking shit!

And the Native Americans who do live here call themselves Inuit, shark meat.

And the network figures a 14 share, minimum.

And the Rangers are finally on the board.

And the size of this ice surface could be an equalizer for the Mystery team.

And the Sports Broadcasting Corporation,

And then the rest of your lives.

And then there's Connor Banks.

And there's the pass.

And two time Stanley Cup winner, Phil Esposito.

And we can skate.

And we further order Price World to pay damages...

And we need you to start playing like a big guy.

And when you get the puck, you don't pass.

And, as women reporters go, I find you supple.

And, uh,

And, uh, maybe sometimes it's a little too connected to how well we play hockey,

And...

And...

Anyway, I'm gonna do everything I can to win this game...

Appears to be, uh, well fed.

Apuck shot to... Shoots and he scores!

Are you okay? Let me see. Are you all right?

Are you sure?

Arrest him for what?

As it has in so many communities across this country.

As mayor of Mystery, Alaska,

As soon as you cross the blue line,

As the puck comes off the ice, the left wing will always drop back.

At this time I'd be asking the court to dismiss the charges...

Aw, shit!

Baby son.

Back into the slot, shot, scores!

Back off! Back off!

Back over the blue line. And it's intercepted!

Back to Billy Wasson. He moves up and gives back toJackson.

Back to Wasson, wide open. Shoots... What a save by Holt!

Back to Wasson. He winds for the shot. Marden drops to block.

Bailey!

Bailey! Bailey!

Balls to the walls, huh?

Banks wins the draw. Over to Marden, up toward Burns.

Because every time he met somebody he liked,

Because he loved this place.

Because somebody repeated what was said in the locker room.

Because they can't play.

Because they're the two most fun things in cold weather.

Bedroom. Morning. Expressive. Tender.

Before we get into that,

Besides slave over a hot stove, rub my fat husband's feet,

Besides, if they're going to be doing a profile on the town,

Better not hear your grades are dropping off.

Between the warm dressing room.

Biebe back to get it. Neskorami on the porch.

Biebe scores off a great pass from Birdie Burns.

Biebe slowing it down behind the net.

Biebe. Banks. One timer! Scores!

Biebe's got it! Here comes Connor Banks!

Big doings we've got going here in Mystery these days, huh?

Birdie Burns is caught trying to do it all by himself...

Birdie. You don't pass, you sit.

Black ice, wide open surface, it's all about skating.

Blow it out your ass.

Boards, blue lines, referees.

Boards, offsides, two line passing.

Bobby Michan goes in at goal.

Both to Binghamton, huh? Two way contracts.

Brian!

Brought to you live by the National Hockey League...

Bullshit!

Burns lays it behind the net to Weeks.

Burns shooting!

But also, it's minus ten outside.

But I really do not need you taking his side.

But I'm telling you, some pretty good goals. I'm loving these kids.

But I've always thought you were a bit of a prick.

But next toJudge Fuck Nut, you know most about hockey.

But on the pond,

But our reputation has been hurt.

But the article sparked some kind of brainstorm at the NHL.

But the Rangers continue to control.

But the Rangers control the puck.

But we do have our pride.

But what needs to be decided first is, do we want this game?

But you have your star center back.

But... our boys on a pond?

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Camera three, stay off the Rangers. They look miserable.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Can't we just enjoy the attention tonight?

Cangrapoole along the boards. Lane pitches, and the puck squirts free.

Carries out of his own zone.

Charlie fuckin' Danner!

Charlie. You've been smiling a little more.

Coach Higgins must have had one of his screaming fits...

Cock fucking suck ass fucker!

Come on, Birdie!

Come on, boys. Cover it!

Come on, boys. Let's move it.

Come on, guys!

Come on, guys. Let's start gettin' our heads into it.

Come on, let's go!

Come on, this is your puck!

Come on, Tree. Let's go, baby. Come on, Galin. Let's go now.

Come on, you guys! Pick 'em up!

Come on! It's not over! Mystery! Mystery!

Come on! One more! One more!

Come on! Pull it off!

Come on.

Come on. Pass it off.

Coming!

Community pride.

Connolly trailing. Drop, pass, shot.

Connolly trails. He has it in his sights.

Connor Banks and a one timer from Biebe! Wow!

Connor, trust me. They're not gonna lock up our leading scorer.

Could we make a game of it?

Dear Abby.

Defensemen...

Depends on rules.

Did he say anything, Mr. Walsh?

Did it appear to ricochet off a wheelbarrow?

Did you say that, Mr. Walsh?

Did you say,

Did you see your daddy out there?

Different story in the second period.

Dig splinters out of my ass that I get while sitting around pining for you?

Do I look impressed?

Do I look like I'm okay? The fucker shot me!

Do not give these guys too much respect.

Do you know where a guy can get a rub and a tug around here?

Do you like massages?

Do you understand me?

Don't be saying anything to me.

Don't bring the Yankees.

Don't panic. Don't panic.

Don't rush the shot. Three men across the blue line.

Don't talk to me about betrayal.

Don't tell me you're fine.

Don't worry. I didn't come here to sleep with you.

Don't you ever wish you lived in a town that had a museum...

Donna Biebe, wife of captain John Biebe.

Donna's inside, Johnny.

Donnie, let's get right to it.

Donnie, the Mystery boys... two unanswered goals in the first period.

Down the borders with Lane checkingJackson around the net.

Eskimo soup.

Ever since he came back...

Every ex player turned coach says they prefer coaching to playing.

Everybody here always says on a pond, nobody beats us, right? Nobody.

Everybody in!

Evidently, the Ranger players...

Excellent. Back to you.

Except for Connor, nobody here comes close.

Except for Connor, nobody here comes close.

Except you wonder what it would be like with him...

Face off at the Mystery blue line.

Face off on the Rangers'end. Rangers get the draw.

Fancy.

Fat men don't shovel, Bailey.

Filed some kind of grievance with the players' union,

Finally, Holt controls the rebound.

Fine. Take me in, John. I don't care.

Five unanswered goals, and the Rangers are steamrolling.

Flying in here on a helicopter,

For dead Bailey,

For God's sakes.

For Mystery,

For you.

Forget about that fucking circus out there.

Forty three seconds,

Forty three seconds. You own that time.

Fraud.

From right wing to right point, down low to Birdie Burns.

Fuck 'em, Johnny. Fuck 'em.

Fuck it.

Fuck me!

Fuck!

Fuckin' moron.

Fuckin' wind chill. This ain't right.

Galin knocks the puck to brother Ben and carries it into the zone.

Game's back on?

Geez.

Geez.

Get away! Get away!

Get it out, guys! Get it out!

Get somebody in here now!

Getting his article published in Sports Illustrated?

Give me that, at least.

Go ahead.

Go! Go, go, go, go, go! Let's go!

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Goddamn, John, what do I gotta do?

Good game! Good game!

Good night.

Good. Good.

Good. The Rangers are starting to breathe through their mouths.

Good. Twist it! Yeah, that helps.

Great game, Judge.

Great game, son.

Great pass! Great pass!

Great save, Holt. Come on, guys.

Guys, it ain't my birthday.

Guys! It's just a name, you know?

Hang on. Hang on. " Perfecting the art of the pass is John Biebe,

Has brought one of his lumberjack players with him...

Have a good game today.

Have been going around saying that this is a farce...

Have fun in jail, asshole!

Have you done this before?

He could have left if he wanted, but he stayed.

He dishes it around behind the net forJohn Biebe.

He don't make a million bucks a year!

He heard it in the locker room, Dad.

He hit a wheelbarrow. It ricocheted.

He kind of embellished a little.

He leads left, goes right, shoots... Scores!

He loves it.

He loves the game of hockey!

He moves it around to Yeaton. Swings a pass on the take to Lovulette.

He moves it to Wasson, over to Robertson.

He never made the Saturday game.

He plays to play.

He said it was...

He shoots. He scores!

He shoots... Scores!

He skates to skate!

He takes it wide and gains the Mystery zone.

He threatened to shoot me if I didn't leave the premises, and then he shot me.

He won.

He... scores!

He's a...

He's always been so smart, that Charlie. I knew when he left he'd make it big.

He's back up and rejoins the play.

He's gone on the breakaway. This could really put Mystery away.

He's got a shot!

He's got Banks on the wing. Pass to the middle. Robertson catches it.

He's got the fans into this one early, Sam.

He's having a heart attack! Somebody help him!

He's not breathing!

Heads up!

Hello. I'm Doug McLeod, and with me is NHL Hall of Famer...

Here comes Burns, working for a shot. He's gonna shoot.

Here comes Mystery. Banks trying to get free.

Here comes the odd man rush. It is Ben and Galin.

Here comes Weeks. He is behind the advance.

Here he comes.

Here we go at center ice.

Here we go. Let's play hockey.

Here.

Here's what I want. One man in, wings on wings.

Hey, fuck you!

Hey, guys, you are not gonna believe this.

Hey, he promised something that he couldn't deliver.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a town meeting.

Hey, hey. That's enough.

Hey, Johnny!

Hey, listen, buddy.

Hey, Mike.

Hey, Sarah, sorry to be calling on you so late, but have you heard?

Hey, that one is too small, eh?

Hey, we're on the air.

Hey!

Hey. I'm goin' on a piss later. You wanna join me?

Hey. What did you say?

Hi, Bailey.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. God, you look good.

High sticking, fuck shit!

His heart would grow a little.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hockey is played at both ends of the ice.

Holt comes out and sheriff's deputy...

Holt stood on his head. I've never seen a save like that!

Honey.

Hooked by Neskorami, Marden goes down.

How about a quick rattle?

How can you look this good? What do you have, like nine children now?

How is your husband, anyway?

How's Donna doing? Does she miss me?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh? This town is hockey, hockey, hockey, right?

Human. "

I ain't sheriffin'. I'm just a teammate concerned for his freedom.

I beg your pardon?

I bet this is a big accomplishment for him.

I better check on Mike.

I brought 'em here. Why don't I get a parade?

I brought the salts, Dad.

I came to see your husband.

I can't feel my fingers.

I come bearing the New York Rangers.

I didn't even get the condom on.

I didn't mean to hurt you.

I didn't think she was gonna say anything.

I don't care how fast a skater you are, if you don't play this game...

I don't care. I'm about to be on the cover of Sports Illustrated.

I don't exactly trust Chuckie boy.

I don't know how to coach.

I don't know where else to do it.

I don't wanna hear another word about a hockey game. We talked about this.

I don't wanna lose you toJody Lange just 'cause she gives.

I don't want a trial now. Suppose I lose? I get jail, I miss the game.

I don't want to hit you, Johnny.

I don't... I don't want you to feel bad about that either,

I feel really bad for these boys, Jimmy. I really do.

I figure, what the hell. I ain't that attractive.

I got a condom too.

I got it. Look. It's three pages with pictures and profiles.

I gotta go.

I hate you bastards! I hate you all!

I have a toy pony. He takes big shits.

I just wanted to say,

I know that your being mayor and all,

I know! She's supposed to be this shy girl.

I love this town, too, John.

I love you.

I love you.

I make a business call. I give him my card.

I mean, he's a grocery clerk, for crying out loud.

I mean, what else do I have to do, really,

I mean, you paid for the whole stick.

I need a captain on the ice.

I never chose to stay. I chose you.

I never would've said that to her face.

I play hockey and I fornicate...

I see.

I should arrest him. That's what I should do.

I suggest we cling to both.

I suppose you have to let them sell it. I suppose.

I thank God every day I gave birth to boys.

I think we should celebrate you making the team.

I thought, um...

I want to adopt them. How's that?

I want to clean them up and raise them as my own.

I want to keep the score close. As long as it's not a rout, we go home winners.

I want you to meet the folks from the network.

I was wondering.

I, uh,

I'd like to call up here someone we all know and...

I'll be back in a couple of months.

I'll beat 'em.

I'll play those Rangers.

I'll probably just end up a drunk, like my dad.

I'll talk to you tomorrow.

I'll vaccinate her quick, get home for an early sack, beat what's left of the bishop.

I'm a premature ejaculator.

I'm beginning to have second thoughts about this.

I'm entitled to know what's going on under this roof.

I'm fine, Donna.

I'm gonna extend a little invitation to the New York Rangers!

I'm gonna say goodbye to Connor.

I'm I'm sorry. I must have...

I'm not beaten!

I'm not for it at any price.

I'm not going to the New York Rangers right away.

I'm not gonna leave you on account of not having sex.

I'm not in the mood, Mr. Pruitt.

I'm notJohnny! I'm a New York Ranger!

I'm really sorry, Scott. I don't... I don't even...

I'm sick. Oh, God, I'm sick. Oh, God.

I'm slow in the feet?

I'm sorry for only wanting to play hockey, and I'm sorry that you never played...

I'm sorry I don't feel like goin' to college and getting some degree.

I'm sure he'd be happy to repeat it.

I'm tellin' you, Tree, there's rumors.

I'm telling you, she got her February fat now in the second week in December.

I've had a chance to see the Mystery team practice. They skate fast,

I've lost my appetite.

If I'm coaching,

If nothing else, it's good for morale.

If Price World did come here...

If they're gonna be pouring a lot of money into it,

If this game happens, it's only 32 days away.

If we're gonna make a game of it, it should be you.

If you all settle down, we'll, uh, we'll try to answer all your questions.

If you lose a puck...

Implied third party contract too.

In a world perpetually covered with ice and snow.

In fact, that's what we're calling the team: The Mystery Eskimos.

In from Flin Flon, Manitoba.

In front of the net, you don't got dinky do.

In the amount of $42,000.

In the Saturday game, but I would think there are bigger tragedies in life!

Inuit, Eskimo... whatever. Just zero in on faces that look local.

Is enough in life.

Is it legal to shoot in the vicinity of people in this town?

Is that legal? That's not legal.

Is the notion that being adored by your husband...

Isolated by rugged mountains and vast glaciers,

It is a two man hockey game right here!

It is not just a random smile, Donna.

It is one on one with Sam Gainer.

It might be broken.

It might help if Mystery had a face there.

It was 'cause of your sister's breasts. They're perky.

It will be.

It won't be, John.

It would threaten to put every merchant in this town out of business,

It... Maybe. So what?

It's a big gimmick. I mean, Mr. Pruitt himself...

It's a cheap stunt, Your Honor, and everybody knows that.

It's a hockey game.

It's a pleasure to welcome a famous TV personality.

It's a Rockewellian Christmas up here...

It's a shooting gallery out there!

It's a weekly ritual celebration. "

It's about our...

It's as good as a commercial.

It's beautiful, honey.

It's better. You're in the Saturday game!

It's even bigger than the Olympic rinks.

It's five man, not four. It's complicated.

It's great. It's something, actually.

It's It's in my brief.

It's keeping the kids awake. Come on.

It's me that embarrasses you, isn't it?

It's not that easy!

It's okay, Stevie.

It's payback time, and that one's for Stevie Weeks.

It's really starting to unravel for Mystery.

It's the Great Alaskan Hockey Rush...

It's two tenths below zero. The committee won't be happy.

It's your time. Am I right?

Jackson controls again. Over to King.

Jackson dumps Banks and gets the draw.

Jesus Christ, Scott! Ow!

Jesus!

Jesus! Oh, man!

Jimmy, you gotta love these kids. God knows I do.

Joey!

John Biebe is the anchor, for God's sakes!

John, can we win?

John, everyone in this goddamn town peeks over the snowbank and wonders.

John, excuse me, but this game is gonna be played on a pond.

John, I'm asking you as mayor of the town.

John, that was high school.

John?

John?

John?

John.

Johnny, I heard.

Judge turn you down?

Judge,

Just 'cause I haven't had a relationship that's lasted longer than six weeks...

Just like that, Tree.

Just read it.

Keep reading.

Knock it off. That'll be enough.

L I could go down as fast as I come up.

L... Does this mean we're done?

Let me know, huh?

Let's go, guys! Let's do this!

Let's go, guys. Let's go!

Let's go, guys. Three on three.

Let's go!

Let's go! Let's move!

Let's have some order, for God's sakes! John.

Let's play hockey.

Let's rock, boys. Let's get it going!

Like Connor says, that Weeks kid, he's got jump.

Like this?

Like we said, folks, this is a small town.

Listen to this.

Little Richard, I'm from Mystery.

Little Richard.

Look around. Look at yourselves.

Look at the passing here!

Look for Burns to pull their goalie.

Look out!

Look out! Yeaton rips the head off him!

Look, it's not fair to the Weeks boy to keep him back.

Look, John, these are the developments.

Look, the Alaskans have never taken on a team of this size and skill before, okay?

Look, think about it.

Look. Christmas is a lonely day for a guy to be choking his own chicken.

Love to stay, but, uh, gotta go.

Love. Patience.

Madly.

Making these fat sounds.

Man, he's lucky to get out of there alive.

Margie has relatives in Waterville, Maine.

Marla.

Maximum.

May I?

Mmm!

Money.

Montreal had its rocket. Mystery has its cruise missile!"

More potatoes?

Move it, Stevie!

Move it!

Move it!

Move that puck, fellas! He's opening up!

Move that puck, fellas! He's opening up!

Mr. Pruitt, I don't want to hear anything about Price World.

Mr. Pruitt? Are you all right?

Mr. Walsh, that bullet that struck you,

Much of its esteem from hockey.

My boy Mike once asked Bailey how he got to be so fat.

My own jimmy? You know what? Why don't you go plan a rummage sale...

My, uh...

Mystery gets on the board first,

Mystery gets the loose puck and heads the other way.

Mystery is giving everything they've got. This is great hockey.

Mystery is hoping the cold of night will stem this Ranger tide.

Mystery is rattled. They're running around like a house league.

Mystery! Mystery!

Mystery! Mystery!

Mystery's gonna keep their goalie on the bench.

N Now? Here?

Nervous?

Next time send me a bigger one.

Nice assist.

Nice game.

Nifty toe drag around Banks. Shoots! And a save by Holt.

Nipped in the bud.

No blood. Judge!

No, "Wow, nice helicopter"? No, " Hey, great article in Sports Illustrated"?

No, he came in the condom.

No, he passes the puck to Biebe! Shoots!

No, I don't think so, Steve. No one thought...

No, it's dry. It's dry.

No, it's not.

No, just over here. There you go. Over here. Come on.

No, no, no. Easy, son.

No, no, Shawnette.

No.

No.

No. Look.

Nobody thinks the Dallas Cowboys are actually cowboys.

Nobody told them it was just a show.

Not because other worlds weren't available to him.

Not that big.

Not the important ones.

Nothing in the basic agreement allows them...

Now Marden is slow to get up.

Now Mystery sets off on the power play in the Ranger zone.

Now send the kids out of the room.

Now Skank Marden carries out.

Now we're playing on a rink in a box...

Now Weeks takes it and carries it on down the wing.

Now, either you thought about that,

Now, hold on just one second.

Now, if we gain the zone, you get across the blue line, you dump.

Now, instead of spending these days off at home with their families,

Now, last night Skank took a shovel to the temple...

Now, nothing is definite.

Now, this is a little town that derives...

Objection, Your Honor.

Objection! Now, that question...

Of course he is.

Of course it's gonna be good. That's the whole point.

Oh, a Zamboni. Gettin' wet just thinking about it.

Oh, he's landing a couple of big ones, and so is Domi.

Oh, I... Clearly not.

Oh, I'm I'm... I'm sorry.

Oh, Jesus. Can't hold a stick.

Oh, man, I'm dying.

Oh, shit! Mother...

Oh, Skank!

Oh, Skank.

Oh, some celebrity.

Oh, that was lovely. It's a shame we weren't rolling for that.

Oh, uh...

Oh, wow.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! And a huge hit by Biebe!

Oh! What a hit!

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh...

Okay, hit me.

Okay, I think I've been pretty patient with this little jealousy thing.

Okay, Judge.

Okay, ready, five? Take five.

Okay, that's it! You're gone!

Okay, well, you got a chance to prove it now.

Okay? Are you a big guy?

Okay. All right. Okay.

On a standard ice rink, no, we don't come close.

On On his, uh, serpent.

On open ice.

On pure skating ability, the boys of Mystery, Alaska...

On the grounds of patriotism.

On the wing to Weeks. He gains the zone.

One of us is going down.

One step and he was gone.

Or someplace where brothers and sisters were off limits to each other sexually?

Or we can simply leave the decision to the committee, which I'm quite happy to do.

Or you didn't.

Our dignity and our illusions.

Our tourism might grow.

Our town is a big joke.

Outta here. Get out.

Over here! Whoo!

Ow! Jesus! What, did you put your finger in it?

Pass it out to the wing!

Pass the puck! Pass that puck! That a boy!

Pass! Damn!

People of Mystery, I give you...

Pick up the man in front! Pick him up!

Pick up your feet!

Pitting the New York Rangers...

Plenty of time! Plenty of time!

Plus we need new boards, lights, and they're sending us a Zamboni.

Plus, this may be an old lady talking,

Price World wants to come here,

Price World's not gonna come, Mom. We're not big enough, for God's sakes.

Push over!

Put a body in front of him!

Rangers go back to work now. Robertson to Wasson.

Rangers on another rush. Three on two, wide across the ice.

Rangers press as Mystery breaks out.

Rangers take their first lead of the game, three to two,

Rangers win again. Duffin chased into the Mystery zone.

Rangers win the draw. Back to Rory.

Rangers win the draw. Robertson for the empty net!

Ready four? Take four.

Really?

Relying on Charlie Danner's word.

Reputation? Price World tried to move up there, you opened fire.

Right here, Connor. Thanks. Hot, hot, hot!

Right.

Rival any team in the National Hockey League!"

Rules that keep everything bunched. It's a different kind of game.

Sarah Heinz.

Saturday after Saturday, for as long as anyone can remember.

Saved! Michan stacks the pads!

Say it!

Says he was aiming at a sack of Puppy Chow, trying to scare him.

Scores on demand. "

Scores!

Scott, I don't coach.

Scott, you got a Zamboni here in Mystery, Alaska.

Scott, you'll need him to play, right?

Scotty. Hey.

Second degree assault.

See? You're the big guy.

Seem like a monumental request.

Seriously, though. I mean, forget about me.

Shame they couldn't take Skank with them, huh?

She just smoked the hog, man. I wasn't myself.

She said as soon as Price World moved in,

She's riding me like a wet walrus,

Shit, they used to call you the Bear.

Shit!

Shit!

Shooting, passing, stick handling... The truth?

Simple.

Since we broke up in the 12th grade.

Six on five, with the empty net behind.

Skank Marden is a master of sticky sores... "

Skank Marden's been in this bed.

Skank, I'm sorry.

Skank, we're committing adultery. It's not like I threw in trust as a perk.

Skank, you in the middle.

Skating, barbecues, snow.

So I bring back the New York Rangers.

So that blocked shot must have really hurt, huh?

So that's what this is all about, Charlie?

So the puck carrier is always facing three defensemen.

So why'd you wanna come? You never wanna come when I plough.

So, uh, you two have already,

So, uh... Well, so did it?

So, who are you gonna get?

So, you're a producer, huh?

Somebody repeated to Silvie Walker,

Someone who's not surprised, Brian.

Son of a piss whore. Our town in Sports Illustrated.

Soon, it'll be you out there.

Sorry, Johnny.

Sorry.

Sports Illustrated, for God's sakes.

Stamina.

Starting to piss me off.

Stay high. All the way in, Stevie.

Stevie doesn't wanna sleep with me.

Stevie, how many fingers have I got? Hmm?

Stevie! Stevie! Stevie! Stevie!

Still sleepin'?

Stretch 'em out.

Sweetheart, I know your smiles.

Take care.

Take the sled, will ya? I wanna wait for the mail.

Take your time! Take your time! And the captain holds it there.

Thank you, Mr. Walsh. Reserve the right to recall, Your Honor.

Thank you.

Thanks a lot.

Thanks for coming, Johnny.

Thanks. Um... Well, first of all, it's really great to be back.

That boy has a heart bigger than this whole courtroom.

That could tear the heart out of this place.

That eventually his body had to expand to accommodate.

That kid can actually fly.

That kind of cold can be rough on the New Yorkers.

That makes it five to three, and Mystery has a pulse again.

That photographer said I have one of those expressive faces.

That sets off another scuffle.

That this is all a big joke.

That was then.

That's a not guilty verdict on Connor. Betty?

That's all I came to say.

That's assuming that money damages could make us whole.

That's fair. That's fair. And to answer that,

That's great.

That's it? That's all you got for me?

That's it. Neither of you guys are coming to the locker room again.

That's okay.

That's okay. That's... That's okay.

That's right. Good. Excellent.

That's still black ice. This is our pond.

That's That's not a very nice thing to say.

That's us! That's us!

That's what's bothering him. Why should he tell me how to play?

That's...

The biggest one you got.

The bottom line is, you only get a few days off during this long season.

The citizens attend with religious devotion in sub zero weather.

The damage award is vacated.

The day I checked out of here, all I could think about...

The deal here is we're selling this as a human interest story.

The defendant is free to go.

The defendant will please rise.

The fans are into it.

The game has become more than a sport.

The game is tentatively scheduled forJanuary 16.

The league is taking the players' union...

The Mystery team has a shot, right?

The New York Rangers are professionals.

The New York Rangers?

The New York Rangers.

The NHL feels it'll be great publicity,

The NHL named Wayne Gretzky as its player of the month.

The only rocket you got is your meat whistle.

The only, Little Richard!

The puck drops here.

The question is, do we really stand a chance?

The Rangers are platooning back and forth...

The Rangers continue the pressure.

The Rangers have all the momentum now. Five straight goals.

The Rangers look stunned, Doug.

The slap shot beats Holt on the stick side,

The State of Alaska versus Connor Banks.

The strange snowmen who play on a lake... the Mystery boys.

The superstar scored 17 goals with 22 assists...

The truth is, I've been a little bit flattered. Now I'm getting insulted.

The Winetkas lead the way. They gain the zone.

Their fastest guy is a high school kid...

Their strides are getting shorter.

There are things you do in public... and things you don't.

There were just so many good people in Mystery...

There's a move behind the net to Rourke.

There's an estoppel argument you could make.

There's more to the game than speed, Scott. Experience counts.

There's no doubt about it. But Mystery's going to need more than the cold on their side.

There's no room on that thing. I got a car waiting to take me to Fairbanks.

There's one rule we got we live by.

There's some serious turnip to hoe in New York City.

There's still a period to go. Twenty minutes. Any hope?

There's still some dealing to be done with the players' unions and things.

These four swing around here, try and force the puck this way.

They can't do that.

They hone their skills by playing each other,

They just lost their composure, and now they are paying for it.

They They won't, sir.

They want the Ranger players to go up to the North Pole and play pond hockey...

They want to get that extra attacker into the play.

They won't be coming back.

They, uh, got into a beef.

They'd probably elect you mayor.

They'll be working to free up Connor Banks in the slot.

They're chasing, butJackson's all alone.

They're freezing already. Why the hell is he singing so goddamn slow?

They're going for it. Everything's on the line!

They're looking to find Connor Banks. He is the sniper.

They're not coming.

They're not that good. We can beat these guys.

They're sending me to Binghamton, which is like the AHL.

They're told they gotta go to Alaska and play a game of pond hockey.

Things have changed. We want you to coach.

Think about trimming those nails too, Tarzan.

This fuckin' town.

This game is a real positive reflection on you.

This is a criminal trial.

This is A number one, first class hockey.

This is an honor.

This is great, huh?

This is not a pond.

This is not an easy place for a woman, John.

This is our pond.

This is Ranger hockey.

This is what this game's all about.

This kid Connor has got a shot like a bullet.

This kid still has got the jets. Yes! Yes!

This town spent money,

Three men on the puck. Defense, you gotta pinch!

Throw it at the net. Everybody's gotta crash.

Tic tac toe, wide open skating.

To check with the New York Ranger players about this.

To federal court in New York on Tuesday.

To help him further the exploitation.

To New York.

To play against our boys?

To schedule exhibition games.

To start with. They'll make it.

Tommy! What?

Tree, am I a big guy?

Tree, you've got to take the man!

Tree!

Tuesday?

Twice in one year, Charlie. What do you want this time?

Two minutes into the first period,

Two nothing. Let's keep it up!

Two things we've always had in Mystery:

Uh huh. Yeah. Until you can find a way to bump me again.

Uh, a little problem, Johnny.

Uh, I don't think so, no.

Uh, th... Thank you for seeing me, Mister...

Uh, the truth is, I don't really think about anything.

Uh, Walter, get out. This is private.

Uh, well, I'm I'm doing it.

Uh, you know, had relations?

Uh... Um, here's the thing.

Um, remember, you want to sound out the words.

Um...

Um...

Use each other as outlets.

Very effective, Walter.

Walter, if you don't leave, I swear I'll tell you.

Was the day I would chug back in with a Pulitzer in my hand.

Wasson, a shot. Jackson shooting.

Wasson's back for a shot... and Winetka steals!

We agreed to a game of pond hockey,

We can be serious about this,

We do have our pride.

We don't award damages to criminal defendants.

We don't know who they are or what they are.

We don't talk about hockey at the table.

We find the defendant not guilty.

We gotta get goin'.

We gotta have a new rink, Donna.

We knew one day eventually... I'm fine.

We never even had sex.

We play four on four. They play five on five.

We talked about this.

We'll be right back with the third period.

We'll get our shots. We're not out.

We're a hockey town.

We're bringing them down, guys!

We're gonna learn it so we can beat it.

We're here with defenseman Matt Marden and...

We're in this game!

We're just kissing.

We're sleeping together, for God's sakes.

We've been married 12 years. Three kids.

We've been talking about it for 20 minutes.

We've been talking about the magazine.

Wedding. " John.

Weeks over the boards and into the Ranger bench! Wow!

Weeks scores on the breakaway, and Mystery leads, one to nothing.

Welcome back. I'm Jim Fox.

Well, actually, I heard he left 'cause he skated like a homosexual.

Well, eight seconds in. Domi leads the league in penalty minutes.

Well, good for you, John. You'll be back in the Saturday game then.

Well, he conveyed his anger at the idea of Price World moving into the community.

Well, he's out again.

Well, I don't think it refers so much to your ethnicity.

Well, if it's all over what he said, I'd just as soon it'd be all over that I hit him.

Well, if you can't talk to your own mother...

Well, it works just like new,

Well, leaving out the fact that you set all this up for your own benefit,

Well, now we really have something to talk about, don't we?

Well, tape it, 'cause I'm not coming out.

Well, that's just great.

Well, that's something I've never seen. That's not legal.

Well, the committee feels you can best help the team by, you know, coaching.

Well, the Rangers have stepped it up, Phil.

Well, there are only 11 skaters to the Rangers' 18,

Well, they're not gonna play the Rangers with just ten guys.

Well, they've been sniffin'.

Well, we all know. Charles Danner.

Well, we can't hold Stevie Weeks back any longer.

Well, we don't have to say goodbye, really. I hope to be back in June.

Well, we're not Eskimos.

Well, you know, it's the kind of news you wanna deliver in person, you know,

Well, you said it, I didn't.

What did he say?

What do you mean, not coming?

What economy?

What happens in this room,

What if we lose this game 25 zip, Charlie?

What is going on? Somebody lit a fire under their ass.

What reputation?

What say you, Karen?

What the fuck ass fuck of a bum fuck, shithole town is this?

What What did you call... You called my friend something before.

What whole idea?

What you say in the room stay in the room.

What?

What?

What... What are you doing?

What's a producer do?

What's in it for you, Charlie?

What's it like seeing your husband out there with the New York Rangers?

What's said in this room, stays in this room.

What's that, "vacated"?

What's that?

What's to talk about, MaryJane?

What's wrong?

When a puck goes into a corner, a Winetka comes out with it.

When he, uh, you know...

When I get too old to play in the game,

When was the last time you scored a goal?

When you read my smiling at him as a threat, that insults me.

When you're singing the National Anthem...

Where does it say Canadian National Anthem?

Where, uh, was the condom...

Where's the dignity in not trying?

Which is about hockey.

Which makes what I'm about to ask...

Which Stevie Weeks can't get till we call him up.

Whoa!

Whoa. Why don't you break my goddamn nose too, huh?

Whoo!

Whoo! All right!

Whose precision and accuracy more than compensate for slowness of foot.

Why don't you impound my helicopter?

Why would they all say that?

Why? It's my Zamboni, right? I brought it here.

Why'd you say yes to boards? Sponsors?

Will you coach?

With a big heart and a big bag of knuckles...

With a bunch of Eskimos.

With the one stop shopping and the low, low prices,

With you on the team, Stevie, a lot of girls are gonna be,

Women don't like being referred to as fat mammals, Skank.

Word is Biebe is out and Weeks is going up.

Wouldn't start again?

Wow, Johnny!

Wow.

Yeah, Chuck exaggerates.

Yeah, good news makes the compass point north.

Yeah, he won't like that.

Yeah, his first game. He'll be fine.

Yeah, I was pretty blown away myself.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Yeah, John.

Yeah, Johnny.

Yeah, wait till we beat 'em. Then we'll see who's a joke.

Yeah, we can. All right, man.

Yeah, well, associate producer.

Yeah, well, forgive me, Your Honor. I'm fat.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah! Ha! Yeah!

Yeah.

Yeah. He's got some bug up his colon.

Yeah. Heard you lost a little.

Yeah. I'm happy.

Yeah. The original.

Yeah. Yeah, it's good.

Yes, Miram?

Yes.

Yo, maybe we should fast forward to the hockey part.

You all right?

You are... You are happy, I take it?

You became half dead the minute you were bumped from that team. You disappeared.

You better.

You brought back the one thing...

You can sue the league for restitution.

You can't even skate.

You can't take this game away from us.

You can't. It's not about money.

You don't care very much for our community, do you, Mr. Walsh?

You give it to the other team.

You gonna let the kids keep the school?

You got a great family there.

You gotta be kidding me.

You gotta get out to Gagney Grocers. Connor Banks just shot a guy.

You guys have never played with boards. Won't that be a huge advantage to the Rangers?

You guys know what you're made of. You know what you've got inside.

You have embarrassed my courtroom.

You have exalted this game above what is right,

You have to coach.

You know I'm not a fan of that tippy tappy,

You know what I'd settle for is a thank you.

You know what it's like in there.

You know,

You know, after you.

You know, that I'm sorry.

You know, this is the kind of opportunity that...

You know, when I left, this town rejected me.

You left this town, Charlie Danner.

You look good.

You look like the back end of a moose, Sasquatch.

You lose a puck over there in the bank,

You might as well use it all, huh? Try it.

You need to rub 'em on a nice warm Yuletide log.

You never touch me.

You saying fuck you to all of us?

You sent him, didn't you?

You skate like a figure skater.

You skate like you can and you'll be fine.

You slept with another man.

You taught half the kids in this town how to skate. You played 2 A college.

You teach him that?

You think because you scored two goals today, you played a good game?

You think we gotta do it?

You understand North American hockey.

You want one of those goddamn TV trucks to fall through the ice?

You want to sympathize with the guy, fine.

You, you coast in your own zone.

You'll be first alternate, of course.

You're a sick man, Skank.

You're in this now, old bear.

You're the guy. They all look up to you.

You're using words like "we" and "our boys. "

You've been in the Saturday game 13 years, Johnny.

You've been smiling a lot lately.

You've been walking around with a big "what if" on your face.

Young man, lift your elbows.

Your Honor,

Your Honor, nothing has ever limited this to pre season. You know this, Harold.

Your Honor, we've already spent a lot of money on this game.

Your little garden is gonna have fun.

Your very own Zamboni.

1:26. Two goals down.

90 mile an hour slap shot very often.

A comedy. A horror story.

A face that tells a story. Too bad it's a tragedy.

A shot at what?

Aah!

Aah! Oh, no!

All right, the starting lineups...

And both Winetkas forecheck. Take it in!

And some Rangers take exception to that hit.

And there goes Holt. Six attackers. The net's empty.

and this home crowd is going crazy. Whoo!

And time is running out for Mystery. Desperation time, Doug.

And, uh, this is Janice Pettibone. My nostrils just froze.

and, uh... We tapped ourselves on the construction.

Anybody fuckin' tired? No!

Anybody here tired? No. No.

Anyone special in New York? Uh, no.

Are we gonna play it? No.

Are you gonna arrest me? Do you want me to?

Are you saying that we're not going to get that money now?

Bailey! Give him some air!

Bailey? Mr. Pruitt?

Bailey? Bailey? Bailey? Somebody get this man some help!

between periods. Now, look at this.

Biebe on over to Banks in the corner. Go to Connor!

Biebe. Good work, Tree. You killed him.

Biebe's right. We gotta take it to these guys.

Big. Uh huh. Yeah.

Birdie, you with us? Yup.

Birdie! Try and pass me!

Boys. Sheriff.

Burns carries through centre ice. Pass it!

Caboose, holding on back there? Yeah.

Can I get one? Okay, everybody, get your newspapers here.

Come on, let's go! Right with you, sir.

Come on, let's work it around. Don't leave him alone!

Come on, Mystery! Damn!

Come on, Stevie! Steven Weeks, on the move.

Come on, Tree. Hit me! Johnny...

Come on!

Come on! And now they help Weeks back onto the ice...

Come on! Jackson fakes and shoots!

Come on.

Connor pulled a pistol. Happened over in feed.

Connor! What about Connor Banks?

Connor? I'm ready, John.

Could I be heard? Go ahead.

Cut. What?

Dad! Thanks, Mikey.

Did I say that, Brian? I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment.

Did you see that? Mystery, Alaska, one goal away from tying the New York Rangers.

Do it! Come on!

Don't chase! Don't chase! Get it!

Don't get too far. Yeah, Dad.

Don't say you're sorry. Okay.

Donna. Hey. Hey.

Ew! Fuck me! That's a lung biscuit.

Excuse me? Ever since he came back.

Excuse me? He's right.

Fighting the puck a little. Oh, let him find his legs.

Finally got them down. Uh huh.

Fine by me. All right, next Tuesday.

For real? Can you believe it?

From who? Everyone.

Gentlemen. You sorry piece of tit meat!

Get it, John! But the Rangers are right back on the attack.

Get on him! Get on him! Okay, guys, come on, now!

Give it to me! Try it! Try it!

Go for it! Hey, what's your name?

Goal by 29. All right, we're back in it, boys!

God, it's cold! The taters are hot.

Good game. Good game.

Good game. Good game.

Good writing, I guess. The New York Rangers.

Good! Good, McGowan! Good.

Great hit. Did you see that? That's my Tree!

Hang if you have to, Connor. Got it.

He played college 2 A, Birdie. 2 A isn't the Saturday game.

He started it. Don't!

He'll see you now. Oh!

Head was down. I know. I know.

Here you go, Stevie. Wow.

Hey, Charlie. Yeah?

Hey, Chuck... One second.

Hey, is the magazine out yet? Monday.

Hey, Johnny. Hey.

Hey, this is it! Sounds like fun, Barry, but evidently not for everyone.

Hey, you got the magazine? Damn. The mail didn't come yet.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. What?

Hey. Why don't you get yourself that milkshake?

Hi. Look, you, uh... you may have heard.

Hi. How you doin'? Hi. Good.

Hit me! Stop it!

Holt, you come, Skank, you go. Yeah.

Holt? I'm just warming up, Sheriff.

Honey, what's wrong? Nothing.

Honey. Look at this. Hey.

How are you? I'm good.

How are you? Welcome to Mystery. Oh, my God!

How does she know what kind of dental health we have? Guys!

How many times are you gonna let him hook me?

How's he doin'? He's a little happy.

I bet you're back on the team now, right? Maybe.

I can't believe you're leaving. I know.

I can't feel my nose. All right, then.

I didn't mean to shoot him. Call Bailey Pruitt. Talk to him.

I do. Yeah.

I don't know. We're playing these guys?

I hate to say it. They're done like dinner. Aw, bullshit.

I have nothing against your community, Mr. Pruitt.

I ordered one for you too, Dad. Thanks, Mike.

I told her confidentially. Aw, Jesus.

I will. I will. We gotta do it together, man.

I win no matter what side, huh? Win this, Tree.

I won't kid ya, it would be a goose to the economy.

I'm a big guy! Okay!

I'm in. I'll play.

I'm okay. Birdie, I'm sorry. All right.

I'm sorry. Connor, you just shot a guy.

I'm talking about we're beaten. We're not beaten.

If this ends up making fun of us... Scott, it won't.

In Mystery, Alaska? Right here.

in that New York way. Give me my stick!

Is there a legal argument coming? It's estoppel.

It'll definitely help. I've never seen ice this big.

It's gonna be a hot one today. Hey, tape!

It's not over yet! Who would have ever guessed it would get to this?

It's okay. It's all right. Hello.

It's your call, Skank. Oh, I want it.

Jackson's got it! Eleven, pick him up!

Jackson's on a breakaway! On center ice.

Jesus Christ. Bailiff, call 911.

Jesus! All right, all right, all right, all right.

John, it was an accident. You read him his rights?

John. Hey, Donna. Hey, Scott.

Johnny? Yeah?

Johnny's supposed to get a copy expressed. Maybe we made the cover.

Just talkin' about the game. Yeah.

Just try to hold it there. Are you trying to hurt me?

Let's do it, Sheriff. Sticks!

Line 'em up, Michael! Don't give me Tree. I wanna win this week.

Look at this! Wow. No respect. I love it.

Make it out to Stevie. Stevie.

Marden was hooked. Are you crazy?

MaryJane. You got it?

Maybe it's you and me, huh? Winetka.

Mmm. Mmm.

Move it, Birdie! I'm moving!

Mystery! Mystery! Mystery! Mystery!

No way. And Lane chases.

No! So much for a friendly exhibition game.

Nobody pinches. Trap the neutral zone. Why? We're down.

Now, don't be alarmed. It looks 100 years old.

Of course we can schedule exhibition games. Pre season exhibition, but...

Oh, I don't know. It will, Stevie.

Oh, man! Yeah, I know.

Oh, Mommy. He really took one in the siege for the team.

Oh, my God! Is the whole team in there?

Oh, my god. Oh, man! Does that gotta hurt!

Oh, there we go. Oh, Domi and Langdon.

Oh! Oh, yes, indeed!

Okay? Okay? Okay.

Okay. Let's try again.

Okay. What is going on? You tell me.

One newspaper apiece. Hi. Enjoy the game.

One slip of the tongue. All right, that's it. Rules are rules!

or renew a fishing licence? If you try pulling something, I'll be so far up your ass...

Ow! Daddy!

Ow! Ow, ow! Johnny?

Paul. Brown's the winner.

Play the man! Mystery has settled a bit,

Plenty of time. Plenty of time. Let's go! Come on, guys!

Rangers score! What the hell was that?

Really? Yes, I'm liaising with the locals.

Right on! Take it! Take it!

Saved by Gainer! Shit!

Scores! Yea!

Send in only the first guy. What are you talking about?

She's cold. She's weird.

She's much fatter naked. Yeah! No.

Shit. Rangers in control. Holt with another save!

So? So?

So... Marla.

Steroids? Yeah.

Stevie Weeks too? Yeah.

Stevie! Hey.

Stevie? Huh?

Stevie? Stevie! Give him some air.

Sweetheart... I don't wanna talk about it, okay?

swinging the New York Rangers from his belt. Come on, John.

Take him. Read him his rights.

Tape it. We'll look at it after the game, all right?

That's a record! I can still play.

That's cool! Unbelievable.

That's enough. Well, he started it!

That's Jonathan Slaven. Scott Pitcher. Hi.

That's... The important thing is that you're happy. Right.

The committee. You seen Weeks lately? He's been skating the river.

The magazine's supposed to be here, express. Okay. Better be good.

The mayor should get first look. Not bad, right? Wow.

The New York Rangers! You don't get it, do you?

The only player without lightning speed. Every team needs its thumper.

The Rangers? Yeah.

There's John. A mix between Bobby Bond and Moose DuPark.

There's no way. Hey, I'm next. They'll be callin' me next.

They didn't pull a dog sled, did they? No.

They didn't skate the river, did they? No.

They're not that good! You're damn right we can!

This can't wait till tomorrow? No, no, we gotta be on the ice at sunup.

This is a joke. Turning now to real hockey news,

Three kids. I know how many kids you have.

Thwap, thwap, thwap. The boy's got no shame.

To sing the National Anthem? Uh huh.

Toot, toot! Uh oh! Uh oh, we're gonna crash!

Tree, take the man up front! Defense!

Trial date? This Tuesday.

Try and hold still. Could you jam the oxygen tank...

Uh oh. Great!

Uh, hi. Janice, see how everybody skates here?

Was it the gas line? I don't know. I'll ask Tinker.

We ain't on the cover. He said it would be a big story with pictures.

We just did it. I heard.

Well, um, could you pull over? Sure.

Well, what a period. Yes, it was.

Well... I'm cold.

What are you doing? Come on. Get down.

What did you call him? A lumberjack.

What happened down here?

What problem? Uh...

What the fuck was that? Biebe torpedoed into the net!

What the hell do you think you're doing? I'm leaving town.

What the hell kind of bird is that? Bobby, throw some tape.

What? 42,000 bucks?

What? Uh, we got a problem.

What? You wanna hear a thwap?

Who is he? A rep from Price World.

Whoa. That guy can shoot, huh? Yeah.

Whoo! They act like lumberjacks!

Witch tit cold, huh? Yeah.

Wow! Maybe the cold slowed him down. Beautiful.

Yeah, Stevie! The town's grocer is their best scorer,

Yeah!

Yeah! Five to four, Mystery down by one,

Yeah! Read. Read!

Yeah! That's hockey!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah? There's a helicopter hovering over town hall. Looks Russian.

Yeah. Even on the sidewalks. We should get some shots...

Yeah. Good idea.

Yeah. Good idea.

Yeah. Work it down low, look for Connor. Don't rush it.

Yes, Coach! Hunt in corners!

Yes, Johnny. Come on. Say it.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir!

Yes! Yeah!

You all right, John? Yeah.

You all right?

You can't blame Charlie for that. Who else is there to blame?

You could've told me. I can't give you that kind of information.

You have the right to remain silent. Oh, come on, John!

You hit me like that, I'll kick your ass.

You kill one more wolf... Ain't no sheriffin' in here.

You need to relax. Charles!

You okay? No, I'm not okay!

You ran out before I could say hi last night. I know. Hi.

You see Stevie Weeks yesterday? Chump.

You think I'd let that happen? For business, who knows?

You wanna get some coffee? L... Where's my parade? Huh?

You want me to take you in? What, are you gonna arrest me for reckless Zamboni dri...

You'd bite off your own jimmy if the price were right. Really, Scott?

You're goddamn right. That's right.

You're gonna need some stitches, John. After.

You're insulted? Yes, John.

You're not going on the helicopter? No.

'Cause I have three hours till my crew's ready to leave.

'Cause if all that's gonna happen is we'll get laughed at,

"Body.

"Clears the crease like a snowplow. " Well, he can't not like that.

"Eskimos On Ice. "

"Mother walrus going thwap, thwap, thwap"?

"On the left side,

"Radiant.

"Skank Marden, a master of the stick,

"The legendary hockey players of Mystery, Alaska, were born on skates...

"The Winetka brothers forecheck like gophers.

"This is a hockey town," he'd say.

"Tutti Frutti"!

"What the fuck ass fuck of a bum fuck shithole town is this?"

"Why don't you skate on this, you... "